Chapter Text
In hindsight, Chief Simpson probably should have seen something like this coming.
It was a Wednesday, he remembered that much because that was the day that he was supposed to be offering out Captaincy position to station 118 again. Having spent the night before frantically reading through Bobby’s old case notes, eye witness accounts and even old news coverage of the team.
He had been staring at official photographs of Firefighter Wilson and Firefighter Han. Knowing that of course Han would make an excellent Captain, but Wilson, even if she had turned it down, slightly had the edge that-
“Chief Simpson, Sir?” Penny, his assistant of many years blurted from where she suddenly stood in the doorway. Her eyes wide and movements frantic as she panted from presumably running there.
“Yes?” He asked, bewildered and already bracing himself for more bad news.
“It’s Diaz and Buckley, Sir”
Chief Simpson sighed and lowered his head in exasperation. His hand slid towards the stack of paperwork on station 118 that just kept building. How did all of this keep happening to one station? In all his time of-
“Sir” she probed. Voice strained as she gestured behind her at the hallway, her posture stiff as her eyebrows somehow seemed to continue to climb up her pale forehead.
“What have they done this time?”
She winced then, tilting her head and shaking the blonde curls surrounding her face from her eyeline. She stepped forward cautiously, crossing her sleek black heels as she shook her head.
“It’s not uh…them per se. It’s their therapist”
Chief Simpson and Penny stared at each other for a second, eyes wide as the seconds grew closer to a minute.
“Their-? As in a couple’s therapist? They really should have disclosed that earlier when-“
“No Sir, I…” she sighed, giving up and shaking her head again. “Shall I just send her in and get her to explain the situation?”
Chief Simpson nodded, rather solemnly as he straightened himself up.
“Yes please do, thank you Penny”
She nodded, smile forced and also exasperated. “Sir”
She turned and hurried precariously towards the door, pausing only when Chief Simpson said:
“Oh, Penny?”
“Yes Sir?” she turned, edging in increments back towards reception.
“Just to be clear, you’re sending in their therapist right now? Not Diaz and Buckley themselves to speak on the matter?”
That made her fully stop, straightening her shoulders as she shook her head firmly. “No Sir. Apparently they’ve been bickering in the car park for the last 15 minutes”
Chief Simpson exhaled harshly. He closed his eyes and raised his right hand to rub at them as she held his head.
“Great, of course, obviously” he muttered to himself. Turning to semi-glare at the memorial portrait of Captain Nash still sitting on his desk. “I bet you’d see the humour in this, old friend”
“Sir” Penny probed again, voice tinged with sympathy. Hesitant almost to continue with the matter at hand until he waved his hand.
He shifted the portrait out of sight and nodded. “Send her in”
Penny’s retreating footsteps, clicking heels in the hall, were soon approaching back again joined with a twin set. And then a woman with long dark hair and startled brown eyes stood in his door way. Once elegant and professional, now frazzled and unsettled.
“Chief Simpson Sir, this is Dr Rutland. Dr Rutland, Chief Simpson of the Los Angeles Fire Department” Penny introduced, smiling tensely as she held a semi-welcoming arm out.
“Thank you for meeting with me, Sir” Dr Rutland said with a strained smile, her words carefully placed together.
“Of course. Thank you for raising anissue with us Dr Rutland” Chief Simpson smiled, with a curt nod.
“Please call me Rosa and uh…” she trailed off, eyes vacant until the Chief cleared his throat.
“You can leave us Penny. Thank you”
Penny nodded, smiled at Rosa and left the room. She closed the door and get Chief Simpson swore he heard curse as she presumably bought up the car park cctv footage on her screen, even from several feet away.
Rosa gratefully sat in the plush red cushioned chair offered to her, exhaling steadily and counting down from five. Her once sleek black bun protruded with flyaways and her eye makeup was slightly smudged from where she had rubbed it. But despite that, the Cheif still recognised her as a usually very composed, competent and confident therapist that was approved for use at the LAFD.
In fact, he had approved her himself. Which left to question…
“What brings you here, Rosa?”
Rosa sighed and shook her head. She glanced at the firefighter paraphernalia that decorated the office and looked away like it had burned her (ironically).
“I really didn’t mean for this to happen Captain. Honestly I swear to you if I knew sooner I would have reported it. Or at least I would have made one of them switch or at the very best make them talk to each other but…”
“I understand this is about Firefighters Diaz and Buckley?” He said firmly, crossing his hands before him to hide his creeping wariness.
Like a scared mouse, Rosa’s head shot up and her eyes widened.
“Yes. How did-?”
“Penny mentioned it when she forewarned me of your surprise visit. What seems to be the matter?”
“This is completely against my oath and I am sworn to secrecy at all time for my client’s identity and protection. But this feels like something I should disclose” she explained, hands wide at her shoulders as she blinked heavily at him.
“Understood.”
“The thing is sir. For the last few months, I’ve been counselling them. Both of them. Separately. And I had no idea until-“
“Just to clarify quickly sorry for my notes. You’ve been counselling both Buckley and Diaz at the same time?” Cheif Simpson asked, watching Dr Rutland carefully for signs of concern.
“Yes sir. Unknowingly may I add. This is exactly my concern”
Chief Simpson shook his head and cursed mentally at the chaos that was the current state of the LAFD admin department.
“Our apologies. There must have been a fault in the system”
“No Sir that’s just the thing, I looked it up in our records and they were both recommended to me by their captain, which raised my suspicion”
“Captain Gerrard?”
“No Captain Nash, Sir. And whilst I know it can be seen ans unethical to treat two firefighters from the same house, which again I would have reported if I’d been concerned about, of course. What actually feels like a conflict of interest to is that I am counselling specifically the two of them”
Chief Simpson leant forward, eyebrows furrowed as he began to scribble notes. “Oh? So why does this specifically concern you?”
Rosa tilted her head and momentarily looked as though she may cry. She pressed her lips together and inhaling heavily again, refocused her gaze and said clearly:
“What concerns me is the way they feel about each other sir”
Chief Simpson raised his eyebrows and felt his mouth fall open. The pen falling onto the pad before him.
Rosa stared back, terrified.
Chief Simpson cleared his throat and leant back in his seat. This was fine. It’s not like firefighters hadn’t dated from the same house before, but why would a therapist be so concerned on the topic?
“Why don’t you tell me a bit about how you got here in the first place Dr Rutland?”
“Of course. Chief Simpson. I suppose it all started when…”
Notes:
Yah so this is semi canon (yeah I know what the fuck am I thinking).
Follow along for the ride! Idk how long this is gonna be but I'd like to think I'm gonna base each chapter after another ep starting from when Eddie leaves for El Paso so that's like what 8 maybe? We'll see, I have no idea.
You can now follow me on twitter! @yellowdiaz - but I'm gonna be real, I've found the 911 fandom (esp fan twt) pretty anxiety inducing and unhealthy for me. So I won't be super super active, but I will be checking it if you wanna say hi!
Thanks so much!
La :)
Chapter 2: Double bookings
Summary:
Buck and Eddie both seek out sessions with Dr Rutland on Bobby's prior separate recommendations.
Notes:
Hi!
For clarity, Buck knows the therapist as Dr Rutland and Eddie knows her as Rosa. The therapist knows Buck as Evan and Eddie as Edmundo.
Based loosely and partially on the events of 8x11.
I hope that makes sense!
- La x
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
It was under the harsh bright white light of a grocery store deep in El Paso that Eddie Diaz first reached for coconut water.
“It’s full of health benefits, Eddie!” Buck had exclaimed through the phone only the night before. “Electrolytes, increased hydration, and essential minerals!”
Eddie raised an eyebrow at the blue carton, condensing in his grip as he mulled it over. Then with a shrug, he placed it in the cart next to Chris’ requested barbecue Pringles and a multipack of bathroom wipes that were on special.
He walked past the fridge of juice next to the coconut water without looking up.
The coconut water sat in the fridge for a few days, even when Buck asked him about it., it sat there next to the tomatoes and bacon. At one point, Chris acknowledged it with a raised eyebrow and a judgmental look. Finally though, when a commercial came on for premade pina coladas, Eddie finally reached for it. Cold to the touch and seemingly staring at him as the tomatoes and bacon grew thin in their packaging.
He sighed at the little blue carton, shining back at him innocently from its designated place.
What he wouldn’t do for a pre-made pina coladas. One summer Chim got quite good at making them on their days off, with Bobby on the barbecue and Buck attempting to use some second hand decks that conveniently got lost when they all helped him spring clean his loft the following year.
Eddie twisted the top off slowly and curiously sniffed at the semi opaque liquid inside. He was reminded then of Bobby cooking a coconut shrimp dish probably that same summer as Chim’s pina colada phase, the smell wafting across the loft and down into the bay. Or of the suncream Buck chased Ravi down with a few summers ago when Ravi came back from teaching at the academy. Of the coconut chocolate bars Chris used to like when he wasn’t concerned over what was cool and what wasn’t. Or even, on a deeper level, the smell of Shannon's shampoo on the pillow when Eddie woke up to the note she’d left.
Blinking back tears, Eddie put the coconut water down and retreated to the living room. He beelined for the couch and sat back on it heavily. He fumbled for his wallet, pulling out the little white card that Bobby had given him a couple months back and rand the number written in Bobby’s looping handwriting without further thought.
With Eddie, it was always better if he didn’t think about it.
“Good Afternoon. You’re through to Dr Rutland’s office, this is Miranda speaking. How may I help?”
Eddie rubbed at his eyes, barely listening to what she was saying.
“Uh hi, I was hoping to speak with Rosa? I was given this number?” Eddie began. Clearing his throat against the dry sensation that had built sans coconut water.
A pause and then: “she’s with a client at the minute. But I can take your name and number and we can arrange a trial session for you if you would like? Are you based in Los Angeles?”
He sniffed and cleared his throat again.
“Uh no. I used to be though, hence me having this number”
“That’s fine, occasionally she takes on over the phone clients, so I’ll see what we can do for you Mr?”
“Diaz…uh, Edmundo Diaz”
“And shall I use the number you’re calling from for Dr Rutland to contact you, Mr Diaz?”
“Yeah that’s fine” Eddie nodded even thought she couldn’t see him.
“Perfect. I’ll get her to give you a cal, thank you so much for calling today Mr Diaz”
As she hung up Eddie stared down at the phone and felt the reality of what he’d just done sink in.
A glance at the clock told him Chris would be down with school soon. He grabbed his keys with a clink from the bowl Maddie and Jee had made for him as a goodbye present and headed for the door.
He put his phone on do not disturb.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
Buck climbed down the engine ladder and startled when he found Ravi stood directly behind him. Staring at him expectantly.
“Jesus Ravi!” he cursed. Glaring at him as Ravi raised his hands and his eyebrows raised under his curly black hair.
“Sorry! I was just about to say your name before you turned around. Bobby wanted me to ask you if you’d called Dr Rutland…?” He trailed off, tilting his head and briefly making eye contact with a rookie who he’d taught in the academy over Buck’s shoulder.
“Oh” Buck said, blinking and jumping the last step onto the concrete and rubbing at his eyes. “Right. Not yet”
Ravi raised an eyebrow, leaning against the engine.
“Not sure what the story is there Buck, but you definitely should. He was super serious about it. Especially with everything that’s happened with Maddie and Eddie and-“
“I’m sure” Buck cut him off hastily, with a roll of his eyes. “Was there anything else you needed Rav, or?”
“No” Ravi said, eyes wide and words lingering. “Wait no, there was something. Ah yeah! Apparently Eddie’s new potential captain called Cap and-“
“Great. Well that’s just great isn’t it” Buck balled up the cloth in his hand and threw it in the general direction of the laundry bag. “He gets to move on and we’re what? Acting like everything’s fine?”
“Buck”
“What?” He yelled, spinning on the spot to glare at Ravi. The station around them had fallen silent. A distant radio humming some early 00s song and someone was whistling from outside the firehouse. But the surrounding firefighters stared on in silence as Ravi stumbled back in surprise, his eyes somehow wider.
All innocent curls and bright brown eyes, Ravi pouted at him. Buck resisted rolling his eyes.
“Are you…alright?” Ravi attempted with a wince.
“Yes”
“If you need someone to talk to I can-“
“I’m hitting the showers” Buck brushed off, marching away from Ravi then as he began to stutter and whisper to the firefighters that flocked around him.
“Buck” he heard, urged from above. Buck stopped with a groan and did roll his eyes that time. Buck glanced up to see an expectant Hen and Chim watching him from the loft. Both with crossed arms and expectant patient looks.
“Call her” Hen stared with a raised eyebrow.
“Do it for Maddie Buck, come on” Chim implored. Smacking chewing gum that made Buck feel like he could hit something.
“Don’t put Maddie against me Chim” he warned.
“I will if it works” Chim warned back, his mouth pulling into a firm line.
Buck rolled his eyes again, then turned to glare at Ravi over his shoulder. He was still surrounded by their doting team, but visibly jumped when he met Buck’s eyes.
“Fine, I’ll call her” Buck said, too quiet for anyone else to really hear him.
Much later, when the sun was high in the sky above down town and when Buck was pacing around in Eddie’s fucking bedroom. All of his stuff still packed in boxes and piled around him. Buck rang the number Bobby had written down for him weeks prior.
“Good Afternoon. You’re through to Dr Rutland’s office, this is Miranda speaking. How may I help?”
“Hi Miranda. I was hoping to book an appointment with Dr Rutland? My Captain gave me this number”
“Oh! You must be from the same group as-“ but she was cut off as someone called her name in the background.
He pulled the phone away from his ear to check that the call was still connected and frowned at the screen.
“Uh, hello?” He tried again, pressing the screen back up to his ear again, a little too hard.
“Sorry Sir, we absolutely can get that arranged for you. Can I take a name?”
“It’s Evan Buckley, but my friends call-“
“No worries Mr Buckley, I’ll get Dr Rutland to get in touch” she said in a rush. Muttering something quietly to someone beside her.
Buck blinked. “Uh…Okay?”
His phone beeped at him as she hung up. Leaving him alone and silent in Eddie’s empty echoey house.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
“I signed up for therapy” Eddie said, his voice ringing out in the dark of Eddie’s own bedroom...Buck's...whatever. Tonight Buck was going to attempt to sleep here, even if it killed him.
Buck had been sifting through one of his moving boxes when Eddie rang, staring at his possessions like he’s never seen them before. Like Taylor hadn’t given him those nice sheets for his birthday the year they’d dated. But anything was better than the blue cover that protected his mattress currently.
Buck stopped, hands loosely still gripping the sheet. He spun away from the box to look at Eddie face’s in his screen. His fave illuminated by the light of his own phone thousands of miles away, his cheeks flushed and rosy from the Texas heat.
“Oh? Uh, me too actually!” Buck said, smiling.
“Really?!” Eddie raised his eyebrows.
“Yeah! Bobby recommended someone to me after yanno uh…everything” he paused and bit his tongue to stop that trail of thought. “I haven’t spoken to her yet but I’ve heard she’s nice”
“Me too” Eddie nodded, a strange look in his eye. Buck wasn’t sure what part he was relating to but brushed part it and kept smiling for Eddie’s sake. “I’m also seeing a woman. A female therapist I mean, not uh…yeah”
“Oh nice man, guess we’ll be like…therapised together?”
Eddie huffed a laugh. “Therapisised”
“It’s totally a word” Buck grinned.
“Uh huh”
“But anyway man, I’m happy for you! This is really great, especially with your situation and the Texas of it all”
Eddie’s smile slipped slightly and he nodded. “Thanks man, I’m happy for you too”
Buck opened his mouth to press further when there was a knock at the door.
“Oh shit, sorry Eds I gotta go. Rav’s here”
“Rav?” Eddie teased but with a crease in his brow.
“Yeah, Ravi! We’re going out for drinks tonight”
Eddie picked at a loose thread on his sleeve, his voice suddenly tight and a loose strand of hair curling past his eyebrow.
“Replacing me already I see” he said flatly. An attempt at teasing gone hollow.
Buck tilted his head.
“It’s not like that I-“
“I’m joking Buck, to have fun! Give my love to Rav” Eddie smiled but his eyes remained distant, blank, almost…empty.
“Your love?! What a-“
The knock sounded again. Buck turned his attention away from the phone. Barely making Ravi’s silhouette out against the window.
“I gotta go. Bye Eddie, give my love to Chris!” he finalised, hurrying towards the door.
“Bye Buck”
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
It was less than 12 hours after his conversation with Buck that Rosa first rang him. Eddie was multitasking from his tablet to his phone. He had been scrolling through job listings and switching between his two pinned text threads.
Eddie: Hey Chris! How’s the chess going?!
Eddie (2): I hope your Abuelo isn’t being too harsh on you
Eddie (3): I was thinking of popping over tomorrow again if that’s okay?
Eddie (4): no pressure though
Chris: ok
And then there were the texts from Buck last night:
Buck: Edddieee
Buck (2): I was just telling Rav about the biot
Buck (3): *bopo
Buck (4): *BOOT
Buck (5): rememberrr?!/:
Buck (6): Man you wert grae that dayu
Buck (7): Youere always greatt
Buck (8): oh
Eddie: You get home okay?
He glanced back at his tablet.
DOG WALKER NEEDED URGENTLY! $10 an hour
tree trimmer for decent pay - no funny business
Bartenders needed at The Alma Inn
His phone pinged again:
Ravi: I didn’t know you had a silver star.
Eddie frowned at the screen and swiped down to reply to Ravi. But then his phone was ringing: Rosa’s office (therapist)
“Uh hello?”
“Hi there, is that Edmundo?” Rosa greeted, the warmth of her tone seeping through the line and settling the rapidly beating heart in Eddie’s ribcage. He settled back against the sofa cushions.
“Yeah it is, hi. It’s Rosa right?”
“If that’s what you’d prefer, then I don’t mind” she said and pushed on before Eddie could question: “how are you today?”
“I’m…okay? Straight into it just like that huh?” Eddie chuckled and pushed a hand through his hair. “You gonna start asking about my childhood already?”
“That does prop up in my screening questions genuinely yes” she laughed. “But not to fret Edmundo, I’ll keep things very light”
“I appreciate that, thank you. Okay hit me with it”
“My initial question usually is asking what brings someone to therapy. But I understand you recently moved to Texas from California, if that’s right? So I think I might start there and work backwards if that’s okay with you?”
“That’s right and yeah sure”
“Do you want to tell me a little bit about that decision?” she encouraged.
Eddie clenched his fingers into his knee and relaxed them again. Watching his knuckles turn white and finger tips turn pink with the pressure.
“My son he uh…he lives here. We were living in LA for a few years and he moved back here with his grandparents. Something happened and uh…” he took a deep breath.
“That’s fine for now Edmundo, don’t feel like you have to push yourself. Thank you for sharing that. How old is your son?”
“Chris is 14”
“Gosh, you must have been young when you had him then”
“Yes. His Mum and I were 19”
“That’s very young, how did you find that?”
“I uh wasn’t around a lot, I was in the army. Afghanistan”
“I see I see, so you’re ex military. We’ll come back to that. What do you currently do for a living?”
“Well I was a firefighter in LA”
“Ah yes of course, that must be how you came to my recommendation”
“Yes, my captain recommended you to me”
“What does your wife think of your occupation?”
“She’s not- Shanon died. A few years ago. But we had only just been reconnected after some time apart”
“I’m really sorry to hear that Edmundo. I am really glad to hear you’re reunited with your son again”
Something tight was building at the back of Eddie’s throat, the feeling increasing in pressured waves behind his eyes. He swallowed. Blinking fast.
“Me too”
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
Buck watched Tommy leave with several words still left unsaid in his mouth. His arm outstretched.
As the door slammed behind him, Buck’s arm fell limp at his side.
“Shit” he said to the empty room. “Shit.”
Buck pulled his phone out, ready to call Maddie, or Ravi or fucking someone. When he saw Eddie’s name bold and bright at the top of his notifications.
Eddie: You get home okay?
Buck looked up around Eddie’s living room. A scuff on the white wall from where he’d been pressed up against it the night before.
“Shit” he said again, to the empty room.
His stomach lurched unpleasantly and he tensed his shoulders as the ghost of Tommy’s touch itched on his skin. The taste of him unpleasant and lingering in his mouth. The smell of cooling breakfast food in the kitchen mixing unpleasantly with last nights liquor still clinging to his skin like a physical tough.
Maybe he needed to throw up. Throw the mattress out. Or throw something.
If he still had Blaze he could throw a frisbee.
If Eddie was here then-
No.
His phone, still clutched tightly in his hand vibrated. Startling him and making his head pound. He nearly dropped it against the hardwood floor, but fumbled with his fingers just in time.
“Yeah?” He said, holding it to his ear and accepting the call without looking at the caller ID. His voice thick and strained, sluggish even. He expected it to be Maddie, or Ravi or even Ed-
“Hi there, is that Evan?”
Buck glanced out the window. Tommy’s car drove past, heading towards the junction at the end of Bedford Street.
“Yeah it is”
“Hi Evan, it’s Dr Rutland calling”
“Oh!” Buck said, feeling his headache increase as he glanced in the direction of the several post-its he’d left on the fridge to remind himself of this call. “Yes hi, hello, sorry”
“Is…now a good time?”
“Yeah perfect! The best time even. I’m so glad you called. Thank you for…calling!” He cringed at himself. Imagined Ravi’s face staring across the table at him judging.
Dr Rutland laughed. She sounded nice at least. Buck let himself take a breath and ran his fingers through the tangled mess of his hair.
“I’m sorry if I caught you off guard Evan. How are you today?”
“It’s fine honestly, my fault for forgetting. I’m okay thank you. Actually…” he paused, eyeing up the beer he’d left half drunk on a box at some point before Ravi had turned up. His stomach lurched and he swallowed against the familiar sensation of bile. “Actually I’m pretty hungover, I’m really sorry about this. I promise I’m not usually like this…anymore…whatever I-”
“That’s quite alright Evan. Thank you for being transparent, I was wondering if I’m honest. Heavy night?”
Buck glanced at the scuffed wall again and scrunched his eyes shut. The pounding of his head thumping irritably as he tried to make sense of it all.
“Something like that”
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
Sittin’ on my own, chewin’ on a bone
A thousand million miles from home
Notes:
Thanks for reading!
Follow me on twitter: @yellowdiaz I’m trying to take a step back from it, I’ll pop on occasionally :)
- La x
Chapter 3: Parallels
Summary:
“Guess my body remembered or whatever those self help books say”
“The body keeps the score. Correct” she smiled and made a note with a pleased nod.
-
Buck and Eddie recount recent events (and past ones too, oop)
Notes:
Hello hello,
This chap is based around the events of 8.12 and I do actually use real quotes. So I guess disclaimer I don't own 911? lmao imagine
Anyway I love them and they're dumb and stupid about each other, enjoy!
- La :)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“Tell me about your sister, what’s your relationship like with her?”
Buck blinked. Dr Rutland waited patiently.
Her office was bright white and almost painful to look at it. Maybe that was the point. With large floor to ceiling windows, oceanic art and a purple orchid that in Buck’s opinion looked like it needed a good dose of orchid feed. Her office was made up of a few therapists, with her stationed right at the far end of the corridor. So Buck supposed he’d struck lucky getting appointments with Dr Rutland herself.
He’d tried to get this information from Miranda, her receptionist. But him saying “I guess I struck lucky” with no context and a smile had her a) staring at him like he’d just committed arson and b) left him feeling like shit. He pondered over his life choices as he sat under one of the motivational quotes and waited for his name to be called.
He thought about what Tommy said only a few days prior, smirking about Eddie being straight (which to think him as anything else was stupid). Thought about the competition thing and how he couldn’t wrap his head around it. To see Eddie as competition in anything would be stupid because Tommy would loose every time. Not that he thought of it like that of course, Eddie was straight.
“Evan?” Dr Rutland said from the waiting room doorway and he got to his feet. Smiled, shook her hand, asked her how she was. Usual pleasantries, like Bobby had taught him.
Dr Rutland had long dark hair, large brown eyes and was dressed immaculately. Perfectly pressed charcoal trousers and a carefully ironed starch white shirt. Buck figured that if she was recommended by the LAFD and Bobby particularly then it would take a lot to ruffle her clean cut image.
And yet, here they were talking about Maddie. And Buck felt anything but immaculate and definitely ruffled.
“Things are…good. I uh, I guess I’m quite a lot younger than her but it never felt like that”
“That’s nice. And you’re close?” She has taken out a pad and began to hand write, Buck tried nod to focus on it. Clearing his throat.
“Yeah, I mean she practically raised me. My parents were kinda uh…lacklustre, I guess”
Dr Rutland raised her perfect eyebrows
“Not present?”
“Right. And look in hindsight I don’t blame them, at least not fully like I still think…anyway what do I know about parenting?” He huffed a laugh, shaking his head as Dr Rutland tapped her pen against her notepad.
She considered something that she had already written. Something small and scribbled alongside it something that Buck couldn’t make out no matter how hard he squinted at it. Yet he watched her draw a question mark next to it and move on.
He averted his gaze as she caught him looking at her notes. He laughed nervously.
“I think you know more about parenting than you like to think, Evan” she said, peering at him and almost smiling. Tapping her pen: one, two, three.
Well that was ominous.
“What do you-“
“Why do you think Maddie stepped in to look after you?” She cut across, something akin to a smile ghosting her features as he stared at her. He shrugged.
“Instinct I guess. They were too busy grieving” he drew absentminded circles into the material of his jeans.
“Ah yes, for your older brother, correct?”
He nodded.
“Daniel, yeah”
The folded photo in Maddie’s box, the bike rusting in the garage, the ghost over their shoulders. The man Buck met in a dream, so close to death himself.
“Why do you think Maddie had that instinct?”
“I think she was the only one who wanted to. To my parents I was just the failed hope at saving my brother”
As the words left his mouth Buck pressed his mouth shut, eyes wide. Shit.
She analysed him, tilting her head with her mouth a thin downward line. He stared down at his lap. Caught.
“Is that what you feel like? Failed hope?”
“Not…not so much anymore”
“Oh?”
“My job it…makes me useful. Helps me save people” he muttered. But this was handbook stuff, academy stuff, she couldn’t possibly-
“And yet when you took on the job you didn’t even know about your brother”
He scratched at a curl by his ear, still a little stiff from the new mouse he was using. Less flammable aoparently.
“Guess my body remembered or whatever those self help books say”
“The body keeps the score. Correct” she smiled and made a note with a pleased nod. “How did your body feel when Maddie went missing?”
“My…body?” he said dubiously.
“Yes”
“Um, I felt kinda numb if that’s what you mean? Like I went into shock or something”
Watching the fear creep into Chim’s eyes. The determination in Athena’s. The worry in Hen’s. The sympathy in Eddie’s. God.
He reached for his water and took a large sip.
“Had she been known to disappear without leaving a trace?”
His hands trembled as he put the glass down. He watched as her eyes fell to his hands and pushed on:
“Yes and no. She left a note before…but I knew she was gonna be alright. It’s Maddie, she always pulls through” he smiled weakly.
“And this time?”
“This time was different. And I was right. But I was so preoccupied, it’s like I didn’t even have to think about it. Wired yanno? We drove around for hours and I wasn’t even thinking about it. How bad is that? Then we realised of course she hadn’t run away again, but that instead she’d been kidnapped and got her throat fucking slit open I-“ he raised his hands, breathed deep and stopped as she waited patiently for him to finish. He took another slow deep breath and drunk from his water. “Sorry”
“You have nothing to be sorry about. You’re a very passionate person, Evan. Sometimes that materialises out through anger, but anger hides other emotions which we should aim to unpick. At another time though I think, when this isn’t quite so raw”
“Right” he agreed, nodding along. Eyes zeroing in on her writing something again as he put his water down. “What are you writing now?”
“You said you were preoccupied with something else and also said ‘ we ?’”
Buck blinked, his hands tightened on the arm rests. He could heart his heart in his ears and the vague sensation of it pounding in his chest.
“Uh, yeah. My best friend he…he quit and moved across country. I was…thinking - lot about that when Maddie went missing. He drove us around when we were looking for her”
“Is this Eddie?” She guessed.
“Yes”
She nodded, writing again. Buck felt like his bones were vibrating.
“Do you want to know the reason you were recommended to my practice, Evan?”
Buck shrugged. “Sure”
She looked up at him again. Curious.
“Maybe you should take a guess?”
“My sister got her throat slit open” he said bluntly. Gesturing with a palm out like it was obvious.
“Yes…?”
“…and Eddie left” he dropped the palm, limp on his lap.
She nodded and smiled somewhat sadly.
“Your Captain writes that there was a public heated argument between the two of you in the firehouse. Is that right?”
“I…” he trailed off, and leant back in his chair.
“You must have been upset that he left. You two worked with each other for…7 years?” She flicked through her notes and nodded.
“Well yes, but I-why didn’t tell he everyone? I didn’t-“
“And then your sister suddenly goes missing whilst you’re struggling to process the fact that he’s going to move away. Potentially forever?”
Buck felt his stomach turn unpleasantly and swallowed against the harsh dry feeling in his throat.
“My sister got her throat slashed open, Dr Rutland. She was kidnapped by The Weepy Killer” he exclaimed, hands on his head like he was hearing the police report all over again.
“But you were upset about your friend leaving at the same time”
Buck huffed and stared down at his lap. Shaking his head, guilt carried through him like something toxic.
“Maddie nearly died Dr Rutland. She lost so much blood. And she's pregnant with my future nephew, their future son. And yet all I kept going back to when she was missing was…”
She raised an eyebrow.
“Him leaving me”
She hummed and nodded, gesturing for him to take a sip of water. He felt a tear slip down his cheek and brushed it away, unaware that he had even teared up to begin with.
“What kind of brother does that make me, huh? After everything she did for me, after everything she’s gone through?”
“Evan” she said firmly and he glanced up, blinking against the tears that just wouldn’t stop forming. “You’re allowed to feel both those things at the same time. In both scenarios you faced loosing two people you care deeply about. And they care deeply about you too, that’s why this all feels so overwhelming”
He let her words sink in. Thinking of two sets of brown eyes, both meaning something different to him. One pair warm and maternal, like chocolate ice cream and laughter in the hot Hershey summer. One pair deep and endless, with movie nights and heart to hearts at 2am whilst the world slept, mysterious.
“I bet it doesn’t help that I'm living in his house now, huh?” He laughed, defeatedly.
Dr Rutland’s eyes widened.
“You’re what?!”
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
Just before the door closed behind Chris, he looked over his shoulder at his Dad with a look that could only be disguised as disappointment. Then the door shut behind him as he joined his friends to no doubt play video games and talk about how lame Chris’ Dad was.
Eddie pressed his forehead against the steering wheel and groaned.
Out of all the possible times for him to move to El Paso to try and fix things with his son, he picked the one time EPFD had a hiring freeze?
If there was a god, then he sure as hell had it out for Eddie, that was for sure.
He leant back in the driver’s seat, tipped his head back and sighed. Eyes shut with a wave of exhaustion that only he could conquer up.
How long was it before Chris told his grandparents that Eddie was barely scraping by on tips? Or that the wiring in his house was faulty? That he’d traded in his beloved truck for a sedan .
How long before Chris cut him out completely? With Eddie getting served custody papers with a lawyer he couldn’t pay for? Before he ended up on Buck’s couch back in LA?
He inhaled shakily, raising a finger to accept the next passenger. Then his phone vibrated so violently with an incoming call that it nearly fell off the new docket he’d barely scrapped enough for.
Incoming call: ROSA
“Oh for fucks sake” Eddie groaned. It was Tuesday, obviously.
He couldn’t even keep track of days let alone a job . Get it together Diaz!
“Hello?” He answered dejectedly, catching sight of himself in the window and curling over the wheel away from the face no one wanted to see right now.
“Good Morning Edmundo” Rosa greeted, welcoming and comforting in only a way Californian therapists could be. “How are you today?”
“I’m okay, how are you?” He said, closing his eyes again and rubbing the bridge of his nose.
“I’m well thank you. You don’t sound okay, would you like to talk about it?”
“Sure” he sighed, thinking of how much the LAFD was trying to prioritise mental health access when everything else in the budget was being cut. “Let me just find a better place to park”
“Sure. I can wait”
“Thanks Doc” he murmured. Sounding much more Texan than he had in years. His heart thumped fast at what that could mean.
Still, Eddie managed to drive away from Chris’s friends house and temporarily took himself offline from appearing on the map.
“Sorry Rosa. I’m ready when you are”
“I hope so” she said and Eddie didn’t have time to question it as she barrelled on. “What’s been happening?”
Eddie looked at the little picture of Chris on his dashboard. His head felt so heavy like it would after a 48 hour shift, but this felt worse somehow.
“I think I’m lonely” he blurted out, eyes widening at his own admission. Meeting his own face in the reflection in the window and meeting his own look that said seriously?
“Moving to a new town can be hard Edmundo. Have you been able to reconnect with anyone from the last time you lived there?”
“Only my family. Most of my old friends were my ex wife’s friends, so I stopped hearing from them when she left but especially so after I moved and then the last after she died. I get it yanno? I went to Afghanistan and left her with Chris when no one understood why he was crying so much”
“Your son has CB, correct?”
“Yes”
“But you love him all the same?”
Eddie stared at the phone like it had burned him. “Obviously?” He said, incredulous.
“Well that’s all Christopher can ask for. You were so young, Edmundo. So was your wife yes, but you were allowed to be scared and want to care or provide for your family”
“I think I knew I was running”
“Because it was scary. But you came back”
“And then I let him down again”
“But again, you’ve come back for him” she insisted.
“Is that enough?” He questioned.
“What matters is that you’re trying. You’d be surprised how little that matters to some of the Father’s I work with”
He smiled a little at that, shaking his head.
“It’s never felt like a challenge. He’s my kid, I love him more than anything” he said firmly. “But I guess it helps that I’ve always had help, Shannon didn’t really. Even when I came home. Then she left us. Twice”
He bit back tears with a groan, rubbing furiously at his eyes and shaking his head at himself. His gelled hair was growing loose at the side, he felt a strand fall loose on his forehead and pushed at it with an antsy hand.
“You can’t change the past Edmundo. But you can change how you feel about it. Do you think your anger at your wife leaving outweighs your original guilt for in-listing?”
“Yes. Up until I let Chris down again”
“But that in itself was a moment riddled with grief. I think we’d all jump at the chance to speak to our lost loved ones again. Even if it’s to speak to someone who looks just like them”
“The situation was so fucked up though doc. I let so many people down. My son, my dead wife, my ex girlfriend, Buck…like who does that?!”
“Not to point fingers but it sounds like this Kim lady quite willing let you grieve to her. But I think we should spend some time pulling apart that grief. Perhaps we could focus on that next week?”
“Okay”
“You mentioned that when it’s been just you and Chris you didn’t feel like you were ‘ doing it alone’ . Could you explain what you mean by that?”
“Yeah, well I mean there’s Buck”
“Your best friend” she clarified.
“Right yeah” Eddie smiled. “Chris loves him, so that was pretty smooth sailing”
“How did that translate since I understand you were work partners originally?”
“Well yeah. But he’s my best friend too, I don’t know, we grew close. One of my first shifts, there was this earthquake and I was so worried about Chris and he just drops me at his school, no questions asked. Started hanging out with me and my son at the same time, video games, visits to the zoo, going to see Santa. When the tsunami hit LA I was at work but Buck was off on sick leave so he would look after him and he’s the reason my son survived getting caught on the pier. They’ve been inseparable since really…well, until now”
“That’s really lovely Edmundo. I’m really glad you have him in your life, that support system”
Eddie caught the reflection of his face in the window again. His features were doing something complicated, he blinked and looked away quickly.
“Yeah” he said to fill the silence, staring down at his hands still gripping the wheel.
“And how was he when Chris left? That must have been hard”
“Well he was pretty wrapped up in his new boyfriend at the time. Not that I was annoyed at him for that, but it meant I…well, he was there when it all went down and tried to convince Chris to say. But in the aftermath I was doing a lot of it alone- god it sounds awful when I say it like that”
“Did he help out at all or was he completely in the honeymoon phase?”
Eddie cringed, he felt itchy almost. Like his skin was too small. Like he’d walked into something he shouldn’t.
“Yeah he checked in on me, obviously we saw each other constantly at work but…I didn’t feel like I could 100% reach out and ask him for him help. He was busy”
“And how did it feel seeing him with his boyfriend?”
Eddie frowned, glancing over his shoulder and scratching his stubble absentmindedly.
“I mean, they were kind of together because of me. I was friends with his boyfriend first, but…then I learnt about his past. He was a real dick to my other colleagues and…kinda a shit boyfriend to Buck”
“So you think Buck deserves better?”
“Obviously”
She made a considering sound that despite Eddie keeping the phone close to his ear, seemed to ricochet around the car.
“Did he speak to Christopher at all? Whilst he was away?”
“I’m not sure. But I don’t think so”
“Because of his boyfriend?”
“No…because of me I think. I think it was like a ‘I don’t wanna cross that line if Eddie can’t’ sort of thing. He’s sweet like that”
She made another considering noise whilst Eddie thought of Buck, standing alone in the rain, growing smaller in his side mirror. He had felt nauseous that day, didn’t eat his cookies for hours, but it was probably the nerves. Yeah, definitely.
“It sounds like he’s a good person in your life Edmundo. You should call him more, so you’re not isolated”
Eddie met his own gaze, this time in the rear view mirror. He forced himself to hold it, his hair was (mostly) gelled back and his eyes looked tired. Yet he looked.
“Okay. I’ll call him, I promise”
And that’s the first thing he did when the session ended.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
Maddie stared at Buck, all sad and pouty like when he was a kid.
“Maddie, stop looking at me like that” he complained, feeling his shoulders droop.
“Like what? I’m just looking at you” she shrugged, unloading from a shooting bag. Her scar was shiny in the low kitchen light, a mottled pink against her skin that he wanted to smooth away along with the memory of how it got there.
“No, your face is all scrunchy!”,
“So is yours!”
“Because I’m worried about you? Uh hello?” Buck said, gesturing from her scar down to her baby bump.
“And I’m worried about you” she said, gesturing back at his well everything.
He scrunched up her nose and she matched it perfectly. Glaring at the other.
“Damn those Buckley genes really pulled through today, huh?” Chim smirked, walking past with Jee chattering away about something.
“Hi Uncle Buck!” She chorused before disappearing into another room with her Dad.
“Hi Sweetie!” He called after her, breaking his staring match with Maddie who cheered victoriously.
“Will you leave me alone now?” He whined, resting his head on the cool kitchen counter to avoid her eyes.
“Not until you tell me what’s going on”
“I told you what’s going on!“
“You miss Eddie”
“Well duh! But don’t start that whole I’m in love with Eddie thing again, cause I can’t talk about this right now”
She raised an eyebrow and made eye contact with Chim over Buck’s shoulder, but said no more.
“And how are you?” He said, gesturing again.
“I’m obviously not fucking alright Evan” she hissed under her breath. “But I get through by surrounding myself with everyone I love right now. Something that I think you could really benefit from”
“I went out with Ravi and stumbled into-“
“I didn’t mean Tommy. God Buck, I’m never talking about Tommy. And quite frankly I don’t you ever are either”
Buck stared at her. Eyes so wide he could feel a tension headache coming on. She stared back, waiting, patient.
“If you say his name a third time he might appear like the bogey man” Chim said with a sigh, closing Jee’s door behind him with a sigh.
“No wait a minute, what is that supposed to mean?” He looked between them, headache forming rapidly as be kept looking.
Maddie and Chim shared a look. Chim lifted an eyebrow and raised his hands to signify he wanted no part in this. Maddie sighed deeply for what felt like the hundredth time that day.
“Nothing about this whole Tommy saga has been about Tommy, Buck. You must realise that”
Buck laughed but no one else did, he looked between them still, waiting for the prolonged punchline.
“Okay, what?” he was too tired for this, any of it, ever. Nope, no thank you.
Maddie sighed and rolled her eyes. She yawned into her palm, smiling sweetly at her husband.
“I’m going for a quick nap, Chim?”
“Yup I’ll join you”” he said, reaching for the hem of his shirt.
“Ah!” Said Buck, shielding his eyes. “What the hell?! You’re just leaving me here?!”
“Well Jee will probably wake up in half an hour if you want to wait to speak with someone on your level. She’s smarter though” Chim grinned and Buck rolled his eyes and reached for his things.
“Oh and please keep talking about all this with your therapist!” Maddie encouraged over her shoulder. “I hear she’s good!”
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
With his a thousandth groan of the day, Eddie pushed the door shut behind him with his boot. The door rattled in its hinges dangerously and Eddie froze as if that would help the situation.
Freaking door.
He made a mental note to call Bobby about the situation. There had to be more he could do to fix things himself instead of spending money on getting someone out.
He thought about what Buck said.
You didn’t fail, Eddie.
Your worst nightmare already came true.
And yet, this didn’t exactly feel like a sweet dream.
Without calling Bobby, Eddie sets his eyes on a strip of old blue wallpaper that he knew he could just tear at. But as soon as he tried he found himself staring at his phone, waiting, praying that Chris replied.
He wasn’t sure why he lied if he was being honest. Like yeah, Chris was a little scared of something happening to Eddie when he was younger, but he loved that his Dad was a firefighter overall. But still, lying about getting the job instead of just saying he’d got something else to tide them by? Bad bad bad.
So he reached for his phone. Determined to keep trying. Just like Buck had said, because if anyone knew Chris even half as well as Eddie did it was Buck.
His desperation was laid out like a true modern tragedy. A trail of blue text bubbles with no grey responses.
Eddie: Hey buddy, sorry I lied to you, can we talk?
Eddie (2): I totally understand you’re angry
Eddie (3): I’d be mad too
Eddie (4): sorry, you’re with your friends. We can talk later
Eddie (5): if that’s OK
Finally, at a last attempt for at least the next few hours. He added:
Eddie: any chance you’re up for dinner?
He sighed, fingers hesitating over the keypad before he continued
Eddie: but no pressure
And just like that. A knock at the door.
And there Chris was, with his PS5 as he explained that he wanted to return it.
Though it hurt, Eddie understood. After everything. Why wouldn’t he? He pictured his own Dad, coming home from days on the road with bright boiled candy for them to eat, never taking one as his Dad stared him down, only succumbing when he crept down in the night to grab a lemon one. Lemon was his favourite.
Buck’s words still haunted him like a ghost. So he sat on the table across from Chris on the sofa. So close he could hug him, but he didn’t, not until that was okay to do again.
“Look I get it, I wouldn’t wanna keep it either”
“No, I do want it” Chris countered, so grown up. Thoughts, feelings and emotions. God when did that happen?
Eddie raised his eyebrows. “Why don’t you keep it?”
“Because you need to save your money if you’re gonna stick around”
The words wound tight around Eddie’s ribcage. Warm with promise. So hopeful he felt winded by them. He tried to remain calm. Do not cry Diaz.
“You still want me to?” He pressed, gently.
“Yeah. You’re my Dad” Chris said like it was the easiest thing in the world. So much like his Mother in how he could say the most simple thing and it could rock Eddie’s entire world.
With tears burning at his eyes, Eddie took a steady breath. He held eye contact with his son and trying to think about what Rosa said, about how he was trying. How he was here.
“I’m sorry about lying about being a firefighter…I…was just so embarrassed when it fell through…I…just…just wanted you to be proud of me” he stuttered slightly, still trying
“I am proud of you” Chris said, immediately. His own eyes glossy and his voice thick with emotion. Banked emotion, but they’d get there.
When they hugged, Eddie told him he loved him and Chris said it right back.
Yeah. They’d get there. They were going to be okay.
Even if they still had loads to talk though. They’d get there.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
I wanna talk tonight
Until the morning light
‘Bout how you saved my life (You saved my life)
Notes:
Ok parallels!
There's a bank holiday this weekend so imma try and get another chap up asap! :)
Follow me on twitter!: @yellowdiaz
Thanks for reading!
- La :)
Chapter 4: Thoughts and feelings
Summary:
Rosa/Dr Rutland grills Buck and Eddie. Chris is an icon.
Chapter Text
It was late.
His head was spinning.
And he was at Eddie’s door step before he could think twice about it. Sat with a beer in one hand, his dignity in the other.
Eddie had answered the door, flushed, in a pink shirt and in his fucking underwear . And Buck, who wasn’t planning on having much of a conversation anyway, felt his throat completely dry up. Soothed only by the beer that Eddie had so graciously opened for him.
Eddie had raised an eyebrow, stepping back to let him come in. Sitting beside him on the sofa as they drunk their beers together in silence.
Buck had glanced over to miles and miles of tanned skin, stretched out onto the coffee table in a pair of toned legs. His nimble, capable hands were wrapped around his beer. His hair all floppy and face sans moustache.
Then, with a blink, warm eyes met his. Deep, curious and so beautiful. Fluttering his eyelashes. His cheeks flushed in the low light as they stared at each other.
All Buck wanted to do was reach out and touch.
The urge was too strong to ignore.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
Buck jolted up in his bed, panting hard as the dream faded. He fell back against the pillow to press his hands against his head, bewildered.
“What the fuck” he said aloud to the room.
His phone read 3:23, he cursed.
He lifted the covers to check and yep, he was half-hard. What the fuck.
He swung his legs out of bed. Swiped at his sweaty forehead and reached for his phone. He’d missed a couple late night instagram memes from Ravi and an article link from Maddie where she’s obviously woken up from the baby kicking or something.
3:25. He had a shift in less than 5 hours.
Fuck.
He inhaled and swiftly made for the bathroom. Crossing across patches of moonlight through the blind he’d left open again . He reached for the cord and pulled them shut. Complete darkness. Which was probably for the best with how he was going.
He knew the route to the bathroom of course, even in the dark, had traversed it a million times. Knew which floorboards to avoid so he didn’t wake Christopher, knew where the light switch was a bit sticky that Eddie always swore he was going fix, knew that in the summer the pipes could creak a bit from the heat. Knew all of this and yet it still felt wrong, because when he’d been cautious of these quirks, learned those tidbits, learnt the routine, it had been whilst he was sleeping on Eddie’s couch . Not Eddie’s bed.
Buck’s bed. Whatever .
The light in the bathroom switched on in a flood of yellow light. The bulb buzzed above him as his eyes struggled to adjust. The extractor fan grumbled to life and rumbled as he rubbed at his eyes again. Buck glanced at the familiar green smudge above the bath where Chris’ bath crayons had stained several years ago, much To Eddie’s horror. Then to the sink where a chip revealed the memory of Eddie trying to do some diy on a hot summers day, hands slick with sweat as the screw driver went array and part of the porcelain came off in his hand.
His hair always went a bit wavy when he was sweaty. His face a bit pink.
Bad bad badddd . Buck shook his head and finally looked at the mirror.
His reflection stared back at him in the mirror. Startled, tired, terrified.
It was a fluke. Just a fluke. He’d been thinking about Eddie so much that
his brain had miscalculated how to interpret that. Dreams don’t have to mean anything.
His reflection nodded back at him at this line of thought. His hands gripped both sides of the sink…but that was assertion or whatever!
Yeah, exactly . And it wasn’t his fault that Maddie and fucking Tommy had filled his head with this new perspective of Eddie. And he had been vulnerable that night, Tommy had just broken up with him then, there was no way he could-
Yeah, yeah . Whatever .
He splashed water on his face and ambled back to his bed. Pointedly ignoring the angry throb from his shorts. Too tired to think of any other reason why he was dreaming or Eddie like that.
He sat back on his mattress, pulling the comforter back over himself and yawned.
He reached for his phone again to check the time. 3:34 am.
But below that, almost missed as his eyes narrowed, heavy with sleep. Was a new text from Eddie.
Eddie🐧: you awake?
How did he-?
Buck: yeah I’m awake. You ok?
Eddie🐧: not really
Eddie🐧(2): can I be honest
Buck frowned down at his phone. Eddie wasn’t exactly a dishonest person, but he never ever laid out his honesty for Buck to console him on either. He hurried to type out a reply.
Buck: Eddie, have you been drinking?
His phone started to ring then, Eddie’s name flashed bright in the dark of Buck’s room. The penguin emoji he’d picked out for Eddie years ago after a specific trip to LA zoo, flashed at him tauntingly.
“Eddie?” he whispered, concern laced into ever syllable as he sat up against the headboard.
“So what if I have been drinking, huh?” Eddie slurred, with a huffed secretive laugh. “What would you say to that, Buckley?” he challenged further, a deep chuckle vibrating along his throat. His voice heavy and thready at the same time.
Oh .
Buck’s heart was beating so frantically he could feel it in his throat. He briefly had the thought of asking if Eddie still had beta blockers lying around for his anxiety attacks for him to pop out a few, because maybe there was something wrong with Buck after all.
He didn’t even swallow at Eddie’s tone, he gulped. Shook his head for the thousandth time that night at himself as the silence crept between them.
“I would say it’s nearly 4am there and I’m worried about how you getting trashed might affect your sleep cycle” Buck murmured. He grinned, despite himself. His own voice thick with sleep and something else that he knew he couldn’t, shouldn’t dwell on.
Eddie chuckled again, gravelly and measured like molasses. He hummed, the line vibrating with it. Buck felt a bit like he was sat in one Athena’s interviews, a harsh white interrogation light shining on him, analysing his next move, all his moves, every move he’d ever made, actually. Watching how he carefully sewed his words together as he answers the next question.
“I barely sleep anyway at the minute” Eddie continued to slur. Breaking Buck from his bizarre thought process. “Uber lets you set your own hours and sometimes I try to do both day and night shifts. And if it’s not that keeping me awake, then I have weird dreams or I wake up remembering…well… everything yanno?”
Buck could imagine Eddie right now. One arm behind his head, one the other hand gesturing at the ceiling. His phone on his chest in loud speaker as he laughed so bright up at the ceiling, eyes sparkling with it, a half drunk bottle of whiskey on the side.
“I do” Buck croaked. “I really do” and oh weren’t those words familiar? Then: “how have you been finding therapy?”
“Good” Eddie responded, lighter in how he was speaking. “Yeah, it’s going okay actually. She’s nice, patient, uh… validating”
“That’s really great Eddie. I’m proud of you for going, I know it’s not easy for you” Buck smiled, mirroring how he imagined Eddie’s position to be with a shuffle.
“Hey now, I’m proud of you for going too, Buck. Especially with everything with Maddie, like that’s so fucked up”
Buck gasped out a surprised laugh.
“ Eddie ” he chastised.
“What? It is!”
Buck rolled his eyes fondly. Shifting his head around the pillow.
“Yeah, well thanks man. She’s yeah my therapist it pretty great. She asks things that are a bit left field sometimes, but I think it’s working” Buck spoke, tracing patterns against the comforter and making constellations from Eddie’s popcorn bedroom ceiling… Buck’s popcorn bedroom ceiling.
“Good. That’s good”
A pause then. Buck drifted back through their conversation to check he hadn’t said anything that even hinted at his dream. Even going back to think about his texts.
“So…You asked if you could be honest”
“Oh?”
“Yeah so…obviously, please do. You can trust me, Eddie”
Eddie said nothing for a moment. But Buck could hear his breathing, careful, heavy, controlled. It sounded like he muttered “yeah I know” but then he spoke properly:
“I guess I kinda miss LA”
Buck became aware of how hard his heart was still beating, violent in his chest, like it could remember Eddie’s hands restarting it all those years ago in the pouring rain.
“Yeah?” Buck whispered.
“ Yeah ”
“What do you-“ he swallowed, cursing himself for not grabbing water on his way back to the bedroom. “What do you miss?”
“Everything, really”
“Humour me”
“I guess the scenery, the connivence of having everything close, the weather…heat’s different here…the people. Definitely the people, El Paso’s kinda lonely even at the best of times. So yeah. The 118. You”
“Yeah?” Buck queried, almost breathless.
“Yeah” Eddie mumbled.
“Well LA misses you too”
“Oh yeah?” Eddie hummed.
“I miss you. Like so much”
Buck’s voice felt thick then, he clamped his mouth shut as emotion welled in him. Tears pricked the back of his eyes as he clutched the phone to his ear.
“Well, uh. Thanks, Buck. That means a lot. Hopefully I’ll be able to visit soon, or vice versa”
“Yeah” Buck smiled. “I’d like that”
Eddie hummed sleepily into the phone.
“LA can be kinda lonely too” Buck mumbled into the line, trying desperately to keep his voice steady as he felt a tear slip down the side of his face.
“But you’ve got-“
“I know. Lonely without you, I mean. It’s…it’s not the same”
“I appreciate that, Buck. It’s not the same without you either”
Silence then. Eddie’s heavier breathing. Buck didn’t even realise he was crying more tears until he tasted the salt on his tongue, wiping at his face with his free hand. The sun was rising through the blinds. Fuck .
“I’ll let you go then. You’ve got a shift tomorrow morning, right? Thanks for answering my call. Give my love to everyone”
“Yeah okay. Will do. Give my love to Chris and…everyone”
Eddie huffed a laugh again. Amusement coloured his words as he said: “uh huh. Bye Buck”
“Bye Eddie”
His head and heart still pounding. Buck put his phone down and rifled through the bedside table that Eddie had mostly left.
A few aspirin, no beta blockers, but then his fingers brushed something metallic, cold and tangled. He looped his fingers around it and pulled out a medallion on a silver chain.
He turned on the bedside light to inspect it. It was Eddie’s dog tag from one of his army tours, with his unit number and DIAZ printed in bold pressed letters.
With shaky fingers, Buck carefully slipped it around his neck and fell back asleep without looking at it too carefully.
Extra sluggish and a little bit exhausted, Buck ran for the shower the next day. He had jumped in and was already halfway through scrubbing himself before he remembered the chain. Slipped on in such a daze that he hadn’t really thought too hard about it before his eyes were closed.
Wet with shower water, with suds skidding down the silver plate, Eddie’s name shone in the harsh bathroom light.
Buck just stared down at it. Then traced each letter with a lump in his throat.
E-D-D-I-E.
Thought of Eddie staring down at it all those years ago, side by side with his St Christopher.
He left it there, allowed himself a moment to decide how he felt with it against his skin. But ultimately decided to leave it on, feeling lighter somehow than he had in weeks.
He rushed into the firehouse nearly 15 minutes late. His hair still drying and curling tighter, with his tshirt damp as he rushed for the changing rooms.
Ravi was there with a cup of coffee ready, thrusting it Buck’s way before he could object.
“Man you look like shit” he remarked with raised eyebrows.
“Thanks so much, Probie” Buck sighed, rolling his eyes and taking the cup with an appreciative hum. “How’d you know I’d need this?”
Ravi shrugged and held up a hand, counting off his fingers as he went.
“1. I’m not a Probie and I’ve worked here for like most of the time that you have, 2. You’re hardly ever late so I knew something was up and 3. Eddie sent me a ballerina capuchina meme at like 4am, so I put two and two together”
Ravi stared at him, waiting.
Buck hid his face in his coffee cup and cleared his throat.
“Thanks Ravi”
“You’re literally so cryptic, Buckley. I don’t even wanna know!” He exclaimed, staring at Buck like Buck was just supposed to pour his heart out to him at 8am in the morning. 8:15 even.
“Wanna know what?” Chim asked, smacking gum and leaning against the doorframe. Looking between Ravi and Buck with a smirk.
Buck shrugged the rest of his shirt over his head and rolled his eyes.
“Nothing” him and Ravi said at the same time.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
“I’m scared he’s going to say no” Eddie said, fiddling with the loose seam of his ‘work jeans’. “Then what? I’m just here. Pathetically waiting”
Rosa sighed.
“Not pathetically, no. But waiting yes. There physically, yes. He told you was proud of you didn’t he?” She enquired, with the tell tell sign of her own scribbling away already.
“Being proud of me is one thing, actively wanting me to be here as his Dad is another” Eddie sighed.
“Right. But he hasn’t told you to go back to California, has he?”
“No”
“He didn’t reject you when you told him you were coming back?”
“No”
“And he actively turned up at your house, on his own accord?”
“Right-“
“Edmundo, I think you’re being too hard on yourself. And we need to unpick why that is exactly”
Eddie groaned. Carding his fingers through his hair and realised how long and floppy it was getting. He wouldn’t if he could fork together enough for a hair cut.
“Because chances are your son is going to move back in and you’re still going to feel like this about yourself. My job is to help with that”
Eddie rolled his head against the back of the sofa and closed his eyes. Rubbed his hand against his forehead, pushing the messy strands aside.
“I’m trying” he complained.
“How’s making new friends in El Paso been? You mentioned loneliness last week?”
A blurry phone call with Buck, a drunk haze, barely remembering what was said.
“Uh- not great”
“Have you spoken to anyone back in California? From your old fire house perhaps?” She questioned, hopeful.
“Yeah, I speak to Buck all the time. I uh…got pretty drunk the other night and rang him”
“Oh?” Definite interest.
“It was late. he had a shift. I felt…bad, afterwards”
“What made you want to drink?”
“I don’t know. I missed it I guess. I mostly drank with him so it makes sense. We used to stay up all night talking when we drunk a lot”
The therapist hummed.
“What did you use to talk about?”
Eddie smiled.
“Anything, everything. He’s…the only person I can do that with. Be fully myself”
“It’s really important to have someone like that in your life. You must miss him” she probed.
“I do” Eddie agreed quickly, then cleared his throat. “I guess” he tacked on, cringing.
“It’s okay to miss him, Edmundo. Why do you think it’s not?”
“I don’t…I don’t think I like how it feels if I let myself miss him” Eddie struggled, throat dry. “What does that mean, Rosa?”
“It means you care for him deeply but you’re worried about how you care for him. Do you think he feels bad for missing you?”
“Yes” he nodded. “Because he knows I’ve done this for Chris. But the other night I think he said it back, that he missed me”
She hummed and with alarm, Eddie realised she was writing so fast he could hear the pen practically scraping on the paper. “Doc?”
“Do you think Buck is the closest relationship in your life? Other than your son?”
“Probably” Eddie shrugged. “Like I say, I don’t know what I’d do without him”
“Is that all there is to it?”
“What?” He sat forward.
“Best friends. Is that all that is?”
Eddie frowned. “Rosa, if this is because he’s bi-“
“I didn’t know he was bi, I did know he had a boyfriend in the past. But I was actually referring to you, Edmundo
“Me?”
“How would you describe how you feel about Buck?” She prompted, pen paused.
Man Eddie needed to get his A/C unit fixed, it was hot as hell in his house.
“We’re yanno…close?”
“Would you say other best friends are close like you two are?”
Eddie thought of Hen and Chim, laughing in the ambulance and grabbing lunch together. He shook his head even though Rosa couldn’t see.
“Well maybe not, but they haven’t been through what we have”
“So is it a brotherly like friendship?”
Nausea flipped Eddie’s stomach and he shook his head.
“Definitely not” he said quickly.
“What then?”
“I’m not gay, Rosa” he stared, staring across the room at the window. “If that’s what this is about”
Eddie could have sworn that Rosa sighed. But she pushed on.
“Maybe we should put a pin in this. Tell me about your little sisters”
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
When Buck called Eddie and they both cooked dinner together, Eddie didn’t bring it up. Neither did Buck. Still they laughed and smiled so Eddie felt like they were okay.
Besides, Eddie was distracted. The Barbacoa/Maverick game persuasion on his mind, supported by Buck too.
“And you’re setting your honey trap with barbacoa”
“And the mavericks this weekend”
“Mavericks. That’s Dallas, right”
“Got us tickets” he said with a wink. Something he wouldn’t even recall doing until much later when he staring at the ceiling.
His parents arrived early, arms laden with take out, not helping Chris as they pushed through to the dining room. Eddie of course rushed to help him, the step of Eddie’s house being particularly unforgiving. The discussion about Eddie’s grades, the discussion of Lubbock and chess and how Eddie hadn’t been told.
His back to the three of them as he tried to calm down. Struggling both not to say anything and to simultaneously try and get his point across. Words stuck in his throat.
Well then, Diaz men.
“You’re here early” the receptionist quirked as Buck was buzzed in.
Buck smiled, tight. Scratching absentmindedly at the back of his head.
“Yeah. I was on my way home from my shift and was passing by here so I thought what’s another 10 minutes in the waiting room” he paused, smile slipping “if that’s okay?”
“Of course, Mr Buckley” she smiled, brighter and probably because of the new girl sat beside her. “Come on in”
He signed in and she clicked him off.
“Between you and me” she smiled in a conspired way. “I think you may be one of Dr Rutland’s favourites, not that she is supposed to have favourites of course?”
“Oh?” He grinned. “Just one off?”
“There’s another client she makes extra special time for. But that information is classified I’m afraid”
The new girl next to her shot her a look. Manicured brown nails tapping away at her keyboard even as she stared her colleague down and looked back at Buck.
“You can go right in when you’re ready Mr Buckley. Dr Rutland won’t be long now ” she nodded, smile tight. Looking at her colleague again out of the corner of her eye.
“Thanks!”
So Buck sat in the waiting room. Staring at the familiar but unusual nautical yet motivational theme that Dr Rutland’s practice had going on. He kinda hated it to be honest, feel too fake and not at all like how Dr-
Then, like a freight train, he sat up straight in the chair. Eyes wide with a gasp.
“Jesus” a woman opposite and to the right said, clutching her chest.
“Sorry” he apologised. But he wasn’t
Eddie had winked at him
Eddie had fucking winked at him.
Was that something they did ?
Buck looked at the woman opposite, who was still staring at him. He must look like a crazy person, but at least he was in the right place for that.
As he tried to settle in his chair, he felt the dog tag he was still wearing skim his skin. Cold, a weight to it, feeling the letters of DIAZ dig into his skin.
Buck inhaled deeply, letting his eyes close.
“Evan?”
He looked up with a jump to see Dr Rutland smiling and beckoning him into her office. Her smile fell as she presumably saw the look on his face.
He dragged himself and all but flopped into the chair. The plush cushion feeling particularly uncomfortable as he sunk into it.
“He winked at me” he said, before she even opened her mouth. “We don’t wink at each other”
Dr Rutland raised an eyebrow and clasped her hands before her.
“Some friends do…” she trailed off, sounding unconvinced. Placating him with a tilt of her head.
“Me and Eddie don’t” he shook his head. “In fact, I remember him winking at his girlfriend, but never at me” he stared down at his hands, outstretched and blotchy from stretching them so far and shook his head.
“How did you feel when he winked at you?”
He flushed, felt the heat climb up his neck under the dog tag. Looking up at her carefully.
“I don’t think I really registered it at the time. We were both cooking, he was talking about his son…”
“Domestic duties” she nodded and he huffed.
“Uh, right. But now when I think back to it, it uh….well, I’m certainly feeling something” he breathed, searching for the omnipresent glass of water she usually had ready to go for him
“Something…?”
“Panic maybe? Definitely panic”
“Sudden feelings can cause panic when we don’t recognise it. So what are you feeling?”
“Caught” he said and nodded at himself like that was right. “Yeah, caught. Like I’ve been caught doing something I’m not supposed to”
“Caught is more the action of realising you’re feeling something though, Evan” she pressed deeper. “Think about it, try and identify it”
“I feel…confused”
She nodded, somewhat dejectedly.
“I can work with that” she nodded again, reaching for her notepad. “Tell me about your call with Eddie”
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
The drive to Lubbock was long. Too long, in Eddie’s opinion. Because it meant he had time to think.
He thought about the failed dinner fiasco and his parent’s lack of faith in. How they announced Ramon would be taking Chris to his chess game on Saturday, with Eddie sat there to bear the heavy load of what it all meant.
Or how Eddie made sure to shop when his Mom did. Her guilt tripping him for making his Dad potentially loose his spot on the bus.
Then how Buck had made some out of field comment about damaging Chris, joking, like Chris hadn’t suffered enough. How he needed to ‘ dad up ’ or whatever.
Then again, Buck seemed distracted. Probably because he’d forgotten Hen’s birthday. How the hell did Chim forget? Karen?! And why didn’t Athena mention it to Bobby?
Anyway - Lubbock. Cool fine whatever!
Chris was spending time with his Grandfather. Great! His Mom was being a bit controlling about it? Whatever, showed she cared! And Eddie-
Well.
Eddie was driving over last minute trying to show Chris he loved him.
He wondered if Rosa took out of appointment calls, up until he saw the turn off point signed up ahead.
He haphazardly parked in a space way too close to someone’s SUV and legged it to the event space. Hoping he’d catch at least some of the match.
And then, in true Diaz tragic turns of events, everything seemed to go down hill from there.
From Ramon being described to Eddie as Chris’ Dad, to Chris throwing up, to Chris telling Eddie that he hated Chess. Eddie was struggling to keep track of everything unfolding whilst trying to make mental notes to relay to Buck and eventually Rosa.
Still, as Eddie knelt in front of Chris in the bathroom and cleaned him up, he felt more hopeful that he did in months. More connected to Chris.
And maybe all the loneliness in Texas was worth it. All the fear. All the mistakes and second guesses.
So when Eddie told Chris that he was moving in with him and Chris asked if that meant Eddie would be his Dad again. Eddie thought yeah, I am, I will .
Second chances were something he usually excelled in anyway.
Blood pumped rapidly in his ears as he walked towards the front door of his parent’s house. His adrenaline was spiked and barely able to hide his grin as he remarked to his Mom on not wanting his Dad to loose his seat on the bus.
Walking into Chris’ room, he collected his things. Watched his Mom’s disbelief at Chris hating chess, thinking about himself ballroom dancing at 14. Softened the blow by telling him he loved her and was grateful for her, kissing her on the forehead.
His heart still raced as he left the house, felt it in every step and every blink. Yet felt light as he bounced back to Chris in his car. The pair grinning at each other.
They drove away laughing. Chris wheeled his window down and the warm air of late Texas Spring drifted through the open windows.
“Should we stop off and get some lunch before we go home?”
“I could eat” Chris nodded eagerly, beaming at his Dad.
Don’t cry Diaz. Don’t cry Diaz. Don’t cry Diaz.
“Great! I think there’s a diner this way, they used to do really good milkshakes”
They pulled up outside, Eddie’s parking significantly better and more calm than his parking at the chess match. Eddie let Chris take the lead with making his way in, helping him slightly with the small step.
The diner was exactly as Eddie remembered it, with red leather booths and a 50s-esque interior. A jukebox, neon lights and small dance floor that he’d lost many a night too back in the day. The memories of the place ached, feeling it in both his bones and the bones of the place as he took it all in. Choosing a window booth for the two of them.
As their milkshakes arrived and they ordered their food, a chicken sub for Eddie and a burger for Chris, Eddie looked back over at the dance floor.
He’d danced with Shannon on that dance floor, could still see her spinning in her red polka dot dress. Her hair all long down her back and smile the brightest it ever was.
He looked back at Chris and as Chris raised a curious eyebrow, he took a deep breath. He knew what he needed to do. What needed to be done.
“I used to bring your Mom here” he nodded over at the dance floor as Chris turned to look at it.
Chris’ mouth went tense but he nodded expectantly, so Eddie pushed on.
“She…used to love dancing here. She always ordered a Shirley temple and a slice of cherry pie”
Chris tilted his head down. An unreadable look crossed his eyes before he fixed his Dad with a look. Eddie’s palms were sweating under the table, he shivered.
“Did you take Kim dancing too? Or did they both just look the same?” There isn’t a lot of malice to it, in fact the emotion Chris was portraying is hard to pin down. Still, Eddie went cold and numb.
Here goes nothing.
“Chris-“
“We’ve never spoke about it, why is that Dad? I ran away to Texas with Abuelo and Abuela and what, we just pretended that was a normal thing for a teenager to do?”
Okay, so he is angry. Eddie’s spine prickled unpleasantly, Diaz men are always angry.
“No” he said. “It wasn’t normal because nothing about what happened was normal” Eddie declared, holding eye contact when all he wanted was to run. “And I am so sorry Chris that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to express the extend of how sorry I truly am to you”
“I was so angry at you Dad” Chris stated clearly, with a shake his head. “So so angry. Not only were you seeing someone who looked exactly like Mom, but you made Marisol look after me whilst you went for dinner with her. Do you know how fucked up that is?”
Eddie could have criticised him for swearing, but he let him have this one, just this once. He nodded.
“I know. Chris I am so sorry”
“Stop saying sorry and talk me through what happened. Cause I’m not a kid anymore Dad, I know loosing Mom was the worse thing that happened to both of us. I’m not going to throw a fit if you talk about her”
Eddie nodded again, his eyes prickling with the threat of tears.
“I think there was so much unsaid that I still wanted to say to your Mom. How angry I was at her for leaving us, how warranted her anger was at me when I enlisted. So many conversations we never had. So much guilt and shame and pain…I” he shook his head, tongue thick. “I…god…when I saw…her”
“Kim. You can say her name”
“Kim, right. When I saw Kim, the spitting double of your Mother. I thought god in another world I could say everything I needed to say. But there were so many lies and illusions with her, I should have never gone into the shop, Marisol had just moved in or uh…move out I guess. But it was like old times for a while and then I did get to say everything I wanted to say. But she obviously couldn’t…” he trailed off, feeling a sob rise in his throat which he stifled with his hand.
Chris placed a hand on his arm.
“You want to know what angered me the most Dad?”
Eddie looked up at him, tears falling so free down Chris’ face that his heart ached. The urge to wipe his own face not present for Christopher, he bet he’d leant that from Buck because he didn’t learn that from him that’s for sure.
Eddie nodded. Felt like all he could do was nod.
“Yeah sure, walking in and seeing you hug the dead ringer of Mom was bizarre, so confusing and eerie as hell. But the fact that you’d been sitting in all this grief and never spoke to me about it and suddenly were spilling your guts to total stranger who yeah, looked like Mom, but wasn’t…hurt”
“I’m so sorry Chris” he said “I don’t know how I can take it back”
Chris traced a colourful line on his menu, took a sip of his milkshake and smiled at his Dad.
“I saw a guidance counsellor for a while at school. I told my teacher not to tell Abuelo and Abuela but…he said that we all grieve in different ways. It’s okay to hurt Dad. I’m sorry I moved away, but…I didn’t know what else to do or even say to you. But we’re here now”
“When did you get so grown up?” Eddie breathed, smiling at his son.
Chris smiled and shrugged.
“Chris” Eddie said again, once last word. “I loved your Mother. It’s important to me that you know that”
“Obviously, or you wouldn’t be prancing around LA with some doppelgänger” he smiled, sly.
Eddie scoffed. “Joking about it now, are we?”
“I say so, yeah”
They laughed tearfully, the waiter gave them their food, looking a little concerned but with no questions asked. Eddie knew he had to leave a generous tip.
“Oh and Dad?” Chris said, as Eddie reached for his sub, his stomach grumbling.
“Mhm?”
“I didn’t learn what love was from you and Mom, by the way. Just so you’re aware”
Eddie frowned. Furrowed his eyebrows, hands still on his sub as he clocked his head at his son.
“What?”
Chris shrugged and smiled conspiratorially.
“Nothing. Just If there’s anything you want to tell me or talk about…I’m open to it. And I love you very much. It’s okay”
“Okay, you’ve officially lost me. I’m not…seeing anyone? If that’s what you mean?”
“Uh huh” Chris said, huffing a laugh and reaching for his burger.
Eddie frowned at him.
“Eat your food, Dad” Chris smirked.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
All your dreams are made of strawberry lemonade
And you make sure I eat today.
Notes:
T*m M*inear fulfil and conclude your character arcs challenge.
And ya, everyone’s buddingmaxxing in this, idk what to tell you!
Bet you know what comes next huh :( but first I think I'm gonna hand the reigns back to Dr R/Rosa, so look out for that soon!
Follow me on twitter!: @yellowdiaz
Thanks for reading!
- La <3
Chapter 5: Interlude
Summary:
Chief Simpson has questions for Rosa (and Penny does too)
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chief Simpson started across his desk at Rosa in disbelief.
“You didn’t realise that your clients, one with the surname Buckley and one called Edmundo, were Buck and Eddie?” He clarified, lifting an eyebrow.
Rosa cringed and shrugged her shoulders, trailing her dark brown finger nails across her trousers like she was physically trying to relieve the tension. “No! Like look, I know it sounds obvious. But I just didn’t make the connection, not until today of course…” she trailed off, eyes wide.
“Did they not have very similar accounts of matters and events?” Penny asked, which Chief Simpson hadn’t even realised she’d crept in, but allowed it. She’d put with a lot of paperwork around station 118 over the years, so she probably deserved a bit of absurdity. She’d put her glasses on at some point, thick black frames so she could make more conscience notes on her little LAFD branded notepad.
“Well yes, but I didn’t realise they were talking about each other. These ‘Buck’ and ‘Eddie’ characters were repeated names in each other’s stories rather than the Evan and Edmundo that I had been counselling”
Penny, who perched herself on Chief Simpson’s rather over expansive desk nodded slowly, turning to look at him. He raised his eyebrows at her as she tilted her head and nodded. Consideringly.
He stared at her, bewildered.
“You can’t seriously …”
“No. I mean yes! Wait, no kinda…” Penny glanced at Rosa and forced a smile, then turned back to her boss with a conspicuous look. “I mean without context it could make sense. But what I don’t understand is the fact that Firefighter Diaz moved? I’m assuming your Edmundo moved too? Did that not raise alarm bells? ” She asked, turning back to Rosa, pen poised.
Chief Simpson rubbed at his eyebrows with one hand. It was going to be a long day. The longest of days in a while.
“Well yes. But Evan never clarified where his friend Eddie moved to. And then perhaps I should have picked up on whole ‘moving for his son’ element, but then again…lots of people have sons…” she trailed off, her argument in tatters around her as she tried to find a suitable argument.
Chief Simpson dragged his palm down his face and muttered: “god help me”
Penny was watching her carefully, as Rosa twiddled her thumbs and stared at her lap. She twirled a strand of curly blonde hair around her finger and hummed.
“So wait, something must have clicked right?”
“What do you mean?” Rosa asked, raising an eyebrow”
“Well I mean, you’re sat here now and you said that the problem is how they feel about each other?”
“Penny…” Chief Simpson warned, raising an eyebrow at her.
She spluttered indignantly and pointed across at Rosa with a splutter.
“Sir ! I have a bet on this with the people from station 6. Please let me stay to hear her out, I have a lot of money waging on this and I know so many stations across LA do too” she mock whispered, grinning slowly. She nodded at the wall of firehouse classes in his region, sat together like school class photos. “Think of how this could benefit so many firefighters! We’ve had so many budget cuts this year…”
Penny pouted. Chief Simpson huffed and gestured for Rosa to continue.
Rosa’s stared at them dubiously. Chief Simpson challenged her with his strong signature eyebrow and she knew she wasn’t one to argue or judge. Maybe the whole of LA knew about the growing tension between Buck and Eddie?
“Yes. Well, I suppose matters took a real change when Edmundo started having in person sessions with me. When he came home to California for a bit” she glanced at the Chief. Her was voice softer and the vibe in the room instantly different as her mouth down turned as she said:
“I think you know why Mr Diaz originally came back. Don’t you Chief Simpson?”
Penny glanced at him, eyes downturned and her hands clasped together. She sniffed and he knew if he saw her get upset it would only set him off.
He stared down at the paperwork on his desk which he hadn’t finished filling out. The official pictures of Wilson and Han. The team photo Pannikkar had provided for the obituary. A barbecue picture provided by Lucy Donato from one of the air rescue teams. Floods of photos from 118 in the tsunami and blackout from local news stations.
“Yes” he said, clearing his throat. “I believe I do.” He took a large sip of coffee, long gone cold and said: “but, please do continue when you’re ready Rosa. Let's pick up...there”
Notes:
I’m gonna skip writing about 8.14 & 8.15 but prepare yourselves for the chap I write about 8.16 cause oof :,(
Also I'm going on holiday so who knows when I'll next upload, but it'll be hopefully soon!
Follow me on twitter!: @yellowdiaz
Chapter 6: Tragic reunions
Summary:
A devastated Buck and Eddie struggle to lean on each other as Bobby’s funeral looms.
Notes:
So sorry for the large gap in uploads, I got lazy on holiday and came back to so much work to do.
Enjoy!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Airports could be such lonely places.
And for Eddie, they nearly always were.
His first memory of an airport was his Dad leaving again, when traffic was bad and he couldn’t hit the road. With Eddie him there himself, in silence, barely a word said between them.
Then there was the time Shanon was visiting an Aunt in Kansas, waving her off without the knowledge of her being pregnant. Watching her leave with the uncomfortable feeling in his stomach, that she would come back.
Then of course there was the military years, more often than not turning up alone. How Shanon would refuse to even look at him as he left with little more than his uniform and his St Christopher medallion.
Then all the weddings, retirements, parties back home…funerals.
Funerals.
And in the moment, there he stood at LAX baggage claim. Willing himself not to cry again. Like he’d done in the car over, or on the phone to Rosa in the car park, or when he had in the airplane bathroom.
Alone.
Again.
As he walked through arrivals, duffle in hand, the sight of LA outside of the doors had him gritting his teeth. Turning away from the constant sunshine and shaking his head.
How dare it be so sunny with Bobby gone? A constant source of light in Eddie’s life for as long as he could remember.
Swallowing against the lump in his throat, Eddie rummaged for his phone to book a uber. He stared at his phone, several missed calls and texts from Buck, Hen, Karen and bizarrely Maddie. He began reading the first when:
“Eddie”
Buck.
Buck.
“Buck”
Eddie felt like his knees were going to cave in, instead Buck rushed at him, Eddie dropped his bag with a thud, and they fell at each other.
“Oh my god” Buck said, gripping at him. “You’re here” he shook his head. “You’re-“ cut off with a suspicious sound like a sob.
“I’m here ” he said back, just as tearfully, a hand almost in Buck’s hair as they held each other.
Eddie wasn’t sure how long they stood there holding each other for. Until an insistent chiming trilled from Buck’s pocket.
Buck pulled away, eyes avoidant as he rummaged for his phone.
“Sorry”
Eddie couldn’t help but glance at Buck’s screen.
Maddie: did he land okay?
Maddie (2): Evan
Maddie (3): I swear to god
“She uh…wanted to know when you were back” he explained, but there was something there. Something unexplained.
Eddie gripped his shoulder, forcing him to look at him. Buck’s eyes were wet and his eyebrow was quivering like it always did on difficult calls. Yet he looked at Eddie like Eddie held all the secrets of the universe. Eddie knew he probably didn’t look much better.
“Buck” he said and Buck nodded. “I’m here now”
“Yeah” Buck agreed, nodding heavily. “You are”
And this time Eddie pulled him in, letting the shoulder of his tshirt grow damp as Buck shook in his arms.
A baby screamed nearby and it shocked them away from each other. As Eddie looked at Buck, he felt inclined to cling on. Yet wasn’t sure if they were back at that point yet.
Looking at Buck was usually like staring directly at the sun. Like you couldn’t stare for too long because you weren’t worthy of the light it was giving. But now he was all overcast and cloudy, calm before the storm, brewing with unsettled chaos.
Buck gestured at Eddie’s duffel. “Car’s out front. I don’t know how long I paid for so we we should probably get moving”
Eddie nodded, tried to smile.
“Okay”
The drive back was longer than Eddie remembered it being. Buck stared ahead, eyes distant and elsewhere as the traffic pilled up. Eddie watched him carefully, knew better than to ask.
“How’s Maddie?” he heard himself ask. With a vague idea of how the others must be.
Buck blinked and glanced at him, processing for a second.
“Oh she’s okay, yeah” Buck monotoned. Forcing his mouth upwards in an attempt at a smile. “Latest scan went well, baby’s healthy”
“I bet Jee’s excited”
“Very excited. She still thinks it’s a girl though”
Eddie frowned. “She doesn’t know?”
“Oh. Did I not tell you about that? Sorry”
The car fell silent again.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
Earlier that morning, Buck had been in therapy with Dr Rutland.
The white walls were too white, the lights too bright, the lack of sleep heavy behind his eyes.
“Evan?”
“Sorry?” He replied, snapping back from the wandering of his mind.
“I asked how the funeral preparations are going?”
Buck inhaled sharply, tried to smile. Dr Rutland was watching him with a look he couldn’t quite name.
“Fine. I’ve been given catering as my task to sort, so I’ve been helping more with the wake than the actual ceremony” he picked absentmindedly at his jeans. Trying to keep his breathing steady.
“And you’ll be in the ceremony I take it? If it’s like a military funeral” she wrote as she spoke and Buck tried to not think too hard about what that could mean.
“Yeah as one of the…pall bearers” he replied, clearing his throat.
She nodded. Writing something additional in her notes. Her mouth screwed to one side and eyes wide with pity. Buck was so tired of pity.
“How do you feel about that? That feels like a big task” she tapped her pen against her desk. One. Two. Three.
“Well we’re doing it as a team. My colleagues and I. And also uh…my ex”
She raised her eyebrows. “Oh?”
“My friend Hen said we should ask someone from…his….past teams. My ex was the first to respond”
“Interesting. Is that comforting to know that he’ll be there?”
Buck shook his head. “Definitely not”
“Is Eddie going to be there?” She said, too quickly as a follow up for Buck’s licking.
“Yeah…he’s also one of the pallbearers. He’s coming home for it”
“Have you spoke to him about what happened?”
Buck blinked at her. “What?”
“That day in the lab”
Buck closed his eyes, took another breath.
“No”
“Why not? He’s your bestfriend, it might be good to confide in him about how you’re feeling”
Buck shifted in his chair, scratched his eyebrow, folded his hands together. She watched every movement.
“I’m fine. I’m in therapy” he said, rehearsed like he’d said this a few times to himself. Gestured around them to solidify his point.
“Correct you are in therapy. Yet you refuse to talk about the matter, Evan”
Buck frowned and shook his head.
“I told you about what happened and what he said to me before he…”
“Yes. But you seem to not want to break down what that means. How it feels, or allow yourself to grieve Evan”
“Because I’m fine”
Dr Rutland’s shoulders heaved with her unimpressed inhale.
“What do you think Bobby meant when he said that ‘ they ’ were gonna need you? That you were going to be okay?”
“That they need me and that I’m okay? Is this a trick question?” He frowned.
“No. He said it specifically to you ”
“Because I was the last person there before I went and got his wife” his voice broke and he cleared his throat again. Dr Rutland made a note.
“Yes but he said those words specially to you. Why do you think that is?”
“I don’t know. He was dying, he probably didn’t have time to think about it”
“But he made sure to say something poignant that you would remember. He told you that he loved you”
“Why are we pulling this apart? There’s literally nothing we can do to understand what he meant”
“No, but we can talk about how it made you feel”
“Well it made me feel fucking awful!” He exclaimed. Then leant back in his chair as Dr Rutland straightened in her chair. “Sorry I…it’s a lot”
“It’s fine. Let’s make it feel less overwhelming, let’s talk it through”
“Talk what through?”
She tilted her head. Her long hair brushed her shoulders as she adjusted her new glasses. Peering at him. Buck stared at her.
“Well go on Doc. There’s evidently something you want to say”
She pursed her lips.
“You want me to tell you what I think?” She asked, raising her eyebrows and folding her hands.
“Yes”
“I think you’re trying to be okay for everyone else because Bobby said they were going to need you. What he didn’t say is you’re allowed to not be okay and grieve and be upset”
Buck’s heart thumped in his chest, he could feel a headache coming on. His hands clenched and unclenched in his lap.
He stood up.
Then made for the door.
“Evan? Where are you- the session isn’t over with yet? Come b-“ the door closed behind him as he advanced down the hall and past reception, curious eyes following him. He stopped at the elevator for a moment, then he took the stairs over the elevator two at a time.
When he was safely in his car. He reached for his phone and called his sister without a second through.
“That is weird though Buck. That you haven’t talked to him about it”
“What can I say Mads? He’ll only feel guilty”
“Well you need to get over it and start talking. If you won’t talk to me the others or even your therapist, then you have to talk to Eddie”
Buck sighed, tapping at the plastic interior of his car where it had warmed in the sun. A man and his son walked past, the dad raising him in the sky and beaming at him as the kid giggled. Buck glanced away, feeling nauseous.
“This shouldn’t be what Eddie’s coming back for” he mumbled. Feeling tears burning hot in his eyes for the first time since he had woken up from another nightmare this morning.
“So what should he be coming home for, Buck?” She asked gently, pressing and pleading and hoping-
Buck huffed.
“I’ve got to to go Maddie, his plane lands soon”
“Evan…”
“Bye Maddie”
So, when she texted him later, obviously tracking his location to the airport. It wasn’t a major surprise. Checking in without checking it.
When all Buck wanted to do was check out.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
It was nice to see Ravi.
Really it was.
And if anything, it broke the solemn silence as Buck and Eddie had sat across from each other. Coffees undrunk.
Last time Eddie saw Ravi, things were so different. He was on the B team, living it up with Stevens and Fry. Played pickleball at the weekends and was learning the guitar.
Now he was his replacement.
That youthful smile, bright gleam in his eyes, large tentative smile was gone. And before him stood a man that Eddie hardly recognised, worn and tired and lost.
“Good to see you, Rav” he said, hugging him tight. Avoiding Buck’s eyes as Ravi hugged him back.
“It’s great to see you too. I wish it were under different circumstances”
“Yeah, we all do” he mumbled, eyes sliding to Buck who watched them intently and glancing back at Ravi. “I should’ve been there”
“Hey” Buck said firm, holding eye contact. “You’re here now”
Eddie inhaled and shakily nodded.
Later, when Eddie was in his new expensive suit he walked back into the bedroom searching for a diffeeent cologne to the one he bought (which frankly smells too happy for a funeral but Eddie was packing in a panic okay?). He stopped in his tracks, nearly hitting his hip on the doorframe as he finds Buck stood in front of the mirror. his hands tight on the tie loose around his neck.
Buck’s eyes meet his in the mirror, eyes wet with tears. As Buck wiped hastily at his eyes. Eddie felt his chest hurt so harshly and suddenly that he briefly thought that maybe he should call his cardiologist again.
“Oh sorry” he muttered, taking a step back to leave when Buck stops him, still staring at him in the mirror.
“It’s fine. Did you need something?”
“Yeah. I was looking for a different cologne”
“Oh you can use one of mine” he nods at the dresser where there is at least a dozen glass bottles of different shapes and sizes because it’s Buck .
He picked up a brown striped bottle and showed it to Buck who nodded.
“That’s a nice one, yeah”
He looked back in the mirror, lips pressed together as he fiddled with the tie.
“Need some help?” Eddie asked, gesturing at the material. Buck nodded slowly.
Eddie approached. Trying to keep distance between them as Ravi watched TV in the background. Tried to keep away as Buck’s eyes burned into him again. Tried to at least dissociate or something as he brushed Buck’s neck with his fingers and Buck exhaled a breath.
“H-he uh…always did my tie before formal work events” Buck whispered as Eddie looped the fabric.
Several memories flashed through Eddie’s mind. Medal events, galas, weddings, fundraisers. Bobby there in the middle always. Strong and constant and comforting as he did several mental counts of their heads as they manoeuvred around. Smiling at him in the crowd. Cocking his head to check in.
“I know” Eddie breathed, clearing his throat as his voice came out heavy. “Turn around for me”
Buck turned around, watching him carefully.
“Tell me when’s high enough for me to stop, okay?” He whispered, beginning to pull the knot up towards Buck’s neck.
Buck nodded once, eyes fixated on Eddie, mouth slightly agape.
Eddie’s heart thumped so hard he wondered if Buck could feel it through the fucking tie. Basically plastered together chest to chest. Yeah, he needed to call his cardiologist.
“That’s good” he whispered, breath hitting Eddie’s knuckles as Eddie freezes. He nods.
“Nice. Uh…very smart” he appraised clunkily. Buck attempted a smile.
“Thank you”
“Anytime” he rushed to say, staring at Buck.
Buck’s eyes search his and fell to his lips and Eddie’s heart seemed to have vacated to his throat. He pressed his hand to Buck’s collarbone, a familiar spot and swiped his thumb back and forth. Buck exhaled shakily, clenching his eyes together and blinking then open to be full of tears again.
“Eddie” he mouthed, barely audible. “I-“
“Guys I think something’s burning” Ravi yelled from the living room.
Both men sprang apart, eyes wide in alarm.
“Fuck” Buck said. “The crumpets”
“I got this” Eddie reassured, rushing from the room toward the over and pulling them out with oven gloved hands. Barely caught and if anything extra crispy.
He takes a minute to breathe, then reached for a still too hot crumpet and began to chew on it. Letting it scold his mouth so he could feel something else.
After Buck cryptically left him and Ravi to ‘pick something up for the service’, Ravi drove them to the church. An old RnB album played quietly from his stereo as Ravi stared ahead, wordlessly.
As soon as Eddie got out of the car he spotted Hen. Her face crumpled at the sight of him.
“Eddie” she cracked, meeting him halfway in tight hug.
Eddie gripped her tight, resting his head on her shoulder, closing his eyes.
“Hi Hen”
She pulled back and attempted to smile.
“You’re here” she whispered tearfully.
He nodded. “Wouldn’t have missed it”
Eddie felt another pair of eyes on him and shivered unpleasantly. When he looked up Tommy had looked away, talking to one of his old colleagues.
“I’d conveniently forgotten about that particular element of today” Eddie said flatly.
Hen shook her head and rolled her eyes.
“I’m just going to pretend he’s not with us”
Eddie nodded. Shoving his hands in his pockets.
“Agreed” he said, wrapping his arm around her as Buck and Chim appeared. Chim was chugging from a large bottle of water and Buck was guiding him to where everyone was waiting.
“Better face the music” Ravi whispered, monotone walking to stand next to them as the hearse rounded the nearest corner.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
Buck stared at the beer in his hand, swiping his thumb across the condensation that was steadily dripping down the bottle. He hadn’t opened it yet, in fact it had probably been several minutes since Ravi had handed it to him.
“Hey” Eddie greeted, beer in his own hand as he came to a stop. “Are you gonna open that or just stare at it?”
Buck huffed and reached for the screw cap.
“Hey don’t feel like you gotta. I hear Simpson made a non alcoholic lemonade punch or something which has your name all over it”
Buck let his hand go limp and nodded.
“That does sound nice, it’s hot today”
From behind his back Eddie produced a plastic cup containing a too-yellow liquid. Something swooped in Buck’s stomach as Eddie passed it to him but there was frankly too much happening on that day to unpack that.
He’d taken his suit jacket off and that stupid strand of hair had escaped the gel jail that Eddie had spent at least 10 minutes on that morning. He was flushed with the head, eyes slightly pink from the funeral.
“What?” Eddie said. “Have I got something on my face?”
Buck shook his head and took a sip of his drink. The bright flavour burst on his tongue and he hummed.
“Uh no, I was just thinking I should probably take this jacket off. It’s so thick, but now-“ he raised both hands, one of with rhe lemonade and one with the beer.
“Here, lemme get it”
Eddie side stepped behind him, pushing at Buck’s arm so he got the message to transfer the beer into the other hand for a sec, barely grabbing at both drinks. Then suddenly concerned with the probability of spilling them both as Eddie reached across his chest and began to peel the fabric away from him.
Eddie’s hands drifted across his shoulder and down his arm as the fabric went away. As Buck looked at him he found his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Didn’t realise he had been holding his breath until his hands were insistent across his back, making him release the breath in a sharp breath.
But as Eddie worked on slipping off the other sleeve. He glanced up and frowned.
“Oh good” he said sarcastically and Buck looked up too.
Tommy.
Staring at them from the memorial table, his own beer gripped tight against him.
Eddie folded Buck’s jacket over his own arm and again, the swooping sensation that followed Buck tried to ignore. Especially right now as something in Eddie’s face caused Tommy to begin to cross the room.
“Let me handle this” Eddie whispered to him.
“Eddie-“ he started, with a horrible feeling that he knew what Tommy was going to say. But he cut himself off as Tommy stopped in front of them.
“Well would you look what we have here” Tommy said, looking between them with a look in his eyes that Buck knew too well unfortunately. “Diaz and Buckley, together again. And what’s that? Smells like you’re wearing his cologne, Diaz. That was fast”
Buck closed his eyes with a huff. Wished for a different scenario. Different place. Different universe. Different life . He wasn’t picky.
“Hello Tommy, I’m fine thank you for asking. Yes, I am indeed back from Texas, well spotted. Ah yes it was a very touching ceremony” Eddie responded sarcastically with a roll of his eyes. “It costs nothing to be pleasant and have manners”
Tommy’s mouth opened slightly and he raised his eyebrows. He worked his jaw and shook his head.
“I was going to say how nice it is that you made the effort to be here”
Eddie cocked his head and frowned.
“Eddie” Buck hissed, giving Tommy a look. “Not here”
“I’m not starting anything” Eddie assured unconvincingly. “I just want to know why you think I wouldn’t be here?” He questioned, glaring at Tommy challengingly.
“Well. You’re not in the 118 for starters”
Buck snapped his head back at Tommy.
“Oh and you are?” Buck challenged.
“I was ”
“So was I” Eddie pointed out.
“I was in his original team”
“Oh yeah and what a great time that was. I’ve heard the stories, Kinnard”
“Guys” Buck hissed. Glancing over to where Maddie and Karen were looking over.
“I’m just doing my bit. I worked with him for years ” Tommy continued, squaring his jaw and shoulders.
“Do you know how many people have worked with Bobby?” Eddie said. “ Hundreds . But you just had to step in, didn’t you?”
Tommy rolled his eyes.
“At least I was there when it happened, Diaz. Where were you?”
Buck almost gasped. Eddie blinked.
“Tommy” Buck hissed.
“Because Evan called me and I did my part” Tommy said with a smirk.
Eddie narrowed his eyes.
“Don’t start something you can’t finish” Eddie warned.
“Well. Evan knows all about that, don’t you?” He looked at Buck and Buck’s stomach twisted unpleasantly.
Eddie looked between them. Lost. But slowly processing. Shit.
“And between us Diaz, it’s a shame you’re back even temporarily. Because I quite like what Evan did with your place”
He smiled at Eddie, laying the trap.
Eddie slowly smiled back. Sarcastic and mean.
Buck looked around them and begged for this to end.
“ Well ” Eddie said, stepping closer. “At least I know what my house looks like with Buck living in it”
Tommy glared at him, glancing at Buck who glanced away, biting a smile. He grabbed Eddie’s arm and begun to pull him away.
They were stopped before they could get that much further by Karen, who shook her head and sighed.
“Karen, I-“
“Save it Eddie. I’m not going to argue, I just-“ she looked over at Chim and Hen, hugging by the buffet. “Did that have to happen, here ?”
“Sorry Karen” Buck said.
“Yeah, sorry” Eddie agreed.
“It’s not your fault. That man is a reptile to put it lightly and I will be telling Athena so she can write him a strongly written letter. But, I do expect better from the both of you. Don’t rise to people like that”
She glanced at Buck expectantly with a raised eyebrow and he wasn’t sure what to make of that to be honest.
“Come on. I hear Ravi’s been working on some really touching florals”
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
Buck watched as Eddie unfolded the comforter onto the sofa. Patting the cushions like that would make Buck’s sofa any less uncomfortable.
“Are we going to talk about it?” He asked, voice a murmur and directed mostly at Eddie’s socked feet.
“Tall about what?” He said, still smashing at the cushion seat like it had personally offended him, increasing in intensity. “What, you sleeping with Tommy? You don’t need to tell me everything”
Buck swallowed. Tommy’s words from that day haunted him like tiny little banshees, screaming at him when he had a moment of silence. Like this, like now.
“I…right. But he was here, in your home”
Eddie let out a breath and finally stopped hitting the poor cushion. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“It’s fine” he said, forcing a smile and throwing up at his arms slightly. “It’s not my home anymore”
Buck winced.
“But when I brought him back here, I hadn’t even unpacked. Your mattress was still-“
“Buck” he said, holding up a hand and shaking his head. “I really don’t want to know”
“And really you should blame Ravi, he’s the one who-“
“Buck”
“And Maddie was saying all this stuff about meeting new people and-“
“Buck”
“And I only called him the other week because of the helicopter! He really wasn’t that-“
“Buck!” He raised and Buck stopped, mouth clacking with it. “Please. I’m too tired for all of this. It’s fine”
“So you’re not mad at me?”
“A little honestly. Because you deserve so much better than him. But it’s your own business. Please can we stop talking about it now?”
“Eddie-“
“Buck, please ”
“Okay” Buck said, holding up his hands. “Good night”
“Night”
Buck had barely changed when he heard footsteps in the hall and Eddie was in the doorway. Buck tensed and Eddie watched the movement with a creased brow.
“Your couch is so uncomfortable” Eddie complained. Shoulders visibly sagging as he shuffled further into the room.
Buck snorted. “I told you. You should have just taken the bed”
“Uh huh” Eddie agreed. “So scoot over”
Buck felt himself flush, heat creeping up his chest and splashing his face pink.
“Sorry?”
“Unless you want the lumpy couch?” He gestured with a thumb over his shoulder.
“No. But Eddie…” he sat tempted, trailing off as Eddie’s bare thigh brushed against his under the covers. Eddie blinked at him, a picture of innocence and Buck prayed to every deity that his body would behave overnight.
“Yeah?” Eddie murmured, breath hot on Buck’s collarbone.
“This isn’t the uh…same mattress” he swallowed. Could feel Eddie’s shoulder brush his rib, his elbow on his stomach. God .
Eddie groaned.
“Jesus okay. Now stop talking about it”
“And I’m never going to see him again. Ever . Unless I unfortunately bump into him at that grocery story we both love”
Eddie snorted into the pillow, his dark hair was product free and flopped all over the pillow. Buck’s chest ached with it.
“Well then don’t shop there, dummy” he huffed a laugh, checking his phone and putting it on his old bedside table.
Buck turned the light off, felt Eddie press closer in the dark. Centimetres between them as Buck tried to let his eyes adjust to see Eddie’s face.
“I’m really glad you’re here” Buck whispered. Almost gasping as the words slipped free in his drowsy state.
But then:
“I’m glad I’m here too. I just wish it was sooner” Eddie replied, hushed.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
Eddie stared at the ceiling.
Buck snored beside him, not loud but soft. Sweet. Endearing almost.
Tears in his eyes as he stood beside Eddie at the service, across from him as they carried-
Jesus. What a mess. He couldn’t think about Bobby, it was too much, too painful.
The whole Buck and Tommy thing on the other hand. Burnt him so deep that he felt himself start to unravel.
Why did it bother him so much?
In his house. On this exact bed frame even if Buck had replaced the mattress. The scuff on the wall that wasn’t there before Eddie left and was probably…
God.
He got up, his head spinning as he tried to make his way quietly to the fridge. Opening it and grabbing the first thing he could to drink.
Blinking he looked down at the label.
Coconut water.
Eddie’s head spun with how Buck had looked at him as he’d driven away to Texas. How he’d looked at Buck. How they’d fought in the fire house. How angry he was.
That horrible sick feeling he got every time he hung up from a FaceTime with Buck.
The way he felt whole again when they’d hugged in the airport.
The ache in his chest every time Buck so much as looked at him.
The way that everything around them was so devastating right now. But at least they had each other.
Right ?
There were fresh tears in his eyes as he uncapped the coconut water and drunk it. He blinked them away and shook his head, passing back to Buck’s bedroom.
Buck’s hand has fallen into the space where Eddie had laid. Searching as he shifted on the mattress, face all screwed up with his curls messy against his forehead.
Eddie climbed back in, facing away with the fear that Buck would wake up at the movement.
But Buck’s hand gripped his waist and pulled Eddie against his chest, winding his arm around him.
He made a content noise, vibrating against the back of Eddie’s neck.
Eddie didn’t have a session with Rosa booked in until he got back to Texas. But he wondered at that moment if she wouldn’t mind a face to face visit.
Because Eddie was so fucked.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
Sleepin’ on a plane, you know you can’t complain
You took your last chance once again
I landed, stranded
Hardly even knew your name
Notes:
I really wanted to try and capture Eddie’s experience of Bobby’s death because they did him so fucking dirty.
But actually writing an ep based on the lab episodes? Pls no.
Also this whole work is gonna be longer than I thought! But should be two more chaps, a mini chap and an epilogue.
This bizarrely took me ages to write but feels kinda short. I was gonna add another bit about Eddie seeing Rosa but imma save that for next time!
Thanks!
-La :)
(@yellowdiaz on twitter)
Chapter 7: Our Eddie
Summary:
Buck and Eddie spiral in more ways than one.
Notes:
Hi!
It’s been 84 years I’m so sorry. Everytime I think I know what I want to write, I run blank. BUT we’re so close to the end now!
Thanks for your patience!
Based (very) loosely on the events of 8x17
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“Edmundo” Rosa smiled. “It’s so nice to meet you in person. I just wish you were back in California under different circumstances”
Eddie’s guilt sunk to the bottom of his stomach like one of the rocks he used to throw in the lake in El Paso as a kid. To even be in therapy and not be thinking about Bobby felt pretty shitty, but needs must and he knew Bobby would understand.
“Rosa” he smiled. “Its so great to see you, thank you for meeting me so last minute”
She smiled bright and nodded, already surveying him from under black wire glasses. She gestured and turned to walk away. He followed her down the very white hallway into a room decorated with oceanic art and a brand new blue orchid. Someone was playing an old Elvis song in another room and he tapped the rhythm against his thigh as she closed the door.
“One of my clients brought me a new one” she said, nodding at the flower as he complimented her on it. “Very sweet of him. Anyway, please take a seat Edmundo”
Eddie nodded and took a seat, shifting on the chair slightly. He crossed his legs, uncrossed them and folded his arms.
Rosa didn’t even pretend she was nor making note of that. She glanced at him, eyebrow raised.
“I’m assuming there was a pressing issue as to why you booked an appointment so urgently, Mr Diaz?”
Eddie took a deep breath. As he glanced down he noticed his hand shaking, he cleared his throat and nodded.
“I uh…I’ve been sharing a bed with Buck”
Rosa made a surprised noise from the back of her throat, but said no more. Eddie glanced up at her slowly and she had her eyebrows raised.
“And…it’s killing me”
“That bad? I would’ve thought with how close the two of you are…”
“No….yes…But its making me question everything”
“Oh?” she leant forward, her chair creaking as her elbows brushed her knees.
“And now I’m freaking out and thinking I should accept the job at El Paso fire”
Rosa paused, frowned and shook her head.
“Oh god, what?”
“It’s just…didn’t you say you came home for a funeral? That’s what I thought this might be about. Anyway, let’s break this apart-“
Afterwards he goes and sees Hen and Karen. He doesn’t tell them what he told Rosa.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
So it had come to this.
The pair of them staring at each other in the harsh light of the kitchen. Breathing heavy into each other’s space. Buck starring at him with so much hurt and anger it felt palpable.
Eddie, with his left hand on Buck’s shoulder as it always seemed to gravitate, and his right pointed at Buck. Accusing him of everything he couldn’t say. His voice stuck in throat under a thick layer of tangle emotion.
And Buck, left staring at him with watery eyes, devastated. It was all so devastating all together. He was helpless in Eddie’s gaze and Eddie knew if he stood here for a moment more he would say something, do something he’d regret.
So he walked out of the kitchen. Hands shaking. Eyes full of tears he couldn’t cry yet.
He could feel Buck’s hesitation, tangible, with the need to follow him. To let him sleep on the sofa instead of the bed. He bundled himself onto the sofa, Buck’s eyes on him like a brand as he lifted his legs up to make it clear where he would be sleeping tonight.
An intake of breath then, like Buck was going to say something. A heavy step forward. Then a huff and several steps towards the bedroom, then he closed the door behind him.
They hadn’t even eaten. It was still early evening.
As if things couldn’t get any worse.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
“It feels different” Buck said as Dr Rutland tapped her pen against her infamous notepad. “As if there isn’t enough going on, we can’t be normal around each other”
The edge of Dr Rutland’s mouth twitched. But she said nothing.
“There’s so much I want to say to him. But I can’t. So much we didn’t say before he left, so much I should have said so long ago now that the memories are all fuzzy”
“Why don’t you now then, Evan?” She pressed, lips pressed right together.
“Because Bobby’s dead and everything sucks and Eddie’s leaving again. Forever”
“How do any of those things change what you want to say?”
“Because I don’t know what I want to say? I’m so confused. Nothing makes sense and I can’t even look at him”
Dr Rutland pursed her lips, tilted her head and tapped her pen again. One, two, three. He kinda hated when she did that, wondered if it was a tactic or a method that she used to distract him.
“What do you think you’re feeling? Why does it feel so big?” She gestured with her hands and her nails were painted green, a sage sort of green like that sweater Eddie had that looked so good on his Buck couldn’t stand it.
“Like emotions?” He queried with a raise of his brow.
“Whatever comes to mind”
Buck breathed and let himself try and clarify the fog in his head.
“I don’t want him to go. I want him to stay. I want Bobby to be alive, I want Maddie to have her baby and not worry about the next big thing killing someone else off. I want everyone to just…I don’t know…peacefully coexist or whatever. But if I had to put a word to all of that, I guess I’m just upset”
“Upset” she repeated. Writing it down.
“Yeah” he nodded.
“And do you think you were feeling all of that when you argued with Eddie?”
“Yes. Absolutely. He was upset that he wasn’t there the night Bobby…” he shook his head. “And I guess I was upset he didn’t tell me about his new job”
“Why do you think he didn’t tell you his job?”
Buck inhaled slowly and blinked heavily.
“I think we keep a lot from each other to stop the other feeling hurt. The details of that day in the lab or moving away permanently for example”
“Why do you want Eddie to not feel hurt? Not your other team mates, your sister?”
Buck looked her incredulously.
“Well obviously”
“But you talk about Eddie specifically. When your captain died you tried to stay strong for quote ‘everyone’. But you only talk so specifically about Eddie”
Buck shrugged. “He’s my best friend. We’ve gone through the most together”
Dr Rutland rose a hand to her head and scratched at it, eyebrows raised in a strained way.
“What?” He pushed.
“Evan…” she sighed.
“Just say it, Doc. There’s always something you want to say to me too, so why don’t you just say it?”
“Because it is not my responsibility to put words in your mouth”
“But it might help me to put things into perspective. Please”
“I think if you let yourself feel everything you need to, you and Eddie would not be in this mess” she raised her eyebrows.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Oh look at that, our time’s up”
“Dr Rut-“
“See you next week, Evan”
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
Chris walked through arrivals, tired, but smiling ear to ear with an escort by his side.
“Hey bud!” Eddie chorused, bounding towards his son. Chris accepted a hug but raised an eyebrow.
“I’ll leave you to it” the escort smiled, handing Eddie Chris’ rucksack. “He’s a really great guy!”
“Thanks Cindy” Chris nodded as she beamed and walked away.
“Cindy?” Eddie teased, with a smirk.
“Shut up Dad. Why are you so happy? You came to California for a funeral. What’s changed?”
“Yeah. And that was awful. But now you’re here so things are only going to get better from here on up. Guaranteed” he winked.
“Operation cheer up Buck” Chris nodded, game face on. “Are we picking up Aunt Peppa first?”
“You know it”
“And on the ride there you can tell me what actually happened in your fight with Buck. Don’t look at me like that Dad, I know you said something crazy”
The trials and tribulations of Evan Buckley, a tragedy told in 97 acts.
Eddie shrugged. Not holding eye contact,
“Uh huh, that’s what I thought. Now let’s go!”
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
Buck was expecting to spend another evening alone. Wallowing and probably ordering shitty take out and finding excuses not to call Eddie.
What he was not expecting was for Eddie to still be there, with Chris and Tia Pepa. With the purpose of cheering Buck up.
Truthfully he couldn’t remember the last tell he’d felt so happy. It had to be way before Eddie left for Texas and honestly maybe even a few months before that too.
Over dinner, he kept looking at Chris, trying to see if he was really real and really sat there in front of him. Laughing at Aunt Pepa rolling her eyes at Eddie recounting how bad LAX traffic was. He’d grown so much, his hair was curly, his eyes bright and he looked happy.
Pepa looked great considering she was still in recovery from her stroke. It was kinda shitty of Eddie not to mention that when Buck literally lived in the same town as her, but considering everything that has been happening, he let it slide.
And Eddie. God, Eddie. Tired and a bit rumpled. His hair fell free from the gel he’d smothered it in. His eyes so warm and deep as he beamed at Chris. His eyes slid to Buck’s and his smile went soft at the edges as he rested his head on his hand and tilted his head. Buck was even sure Eddie might be wearing his clothes which he shouldn’t be thinking too much about this close to Aunt Pepa.
Fuck.
After he left Eddie and Chris playing a game together and he helped Aunt Pepa with the dishes, he was riding so high he worried he’ll never come down.
Then Pepa called him ‘our Eddie’
Our Eddie.
Our Eddie our Eddie our Eddie.
Like Eddie was partially his.
Buck felt numb with that thought as they said goodbye to Pepa with hugs and kisses and so much affection. Numb with it as Chris plodded back to his old room like nothing had changed and Buck hadn’t touched it either which brought tears to Eddie’s eyes. Numb as Eddie looked at him with so much fucking affection that Buck couldn’t stand it.
“Are you gonna come back to bed tonight?” Buck asked when they’re just sat there staring at each other. He blinked as Eddie stared at him “I mean-“
“Yeah, if that’s okay” Eddie cut across with a smile. Buck nodded heavily and Eddie laughed, such a beautiful sound that Buck wondered if he might keel over if they keep staying stood. “Your couch is so uncomfortable. I mean we should probably talk about what we both said but-“
“But we were both spiralling about…everything” and Buck felt himself slip away from temporarily happiness. Saw the pain flash across Eddie’s face as he felt it fresh bright and cutting in his gut.
“Yeah” Eddie agreed simply.
“Beers first, then bed?”
Eddie nodded and as Buck turned his back to him to head to the fridge he heard: “Buck?”
“Yeah?”
“I know you did everything you could. I’m…I’m sorry”
Buck breathed deeply.
“I’m sorry too”
Bobby’s face staring at him through the glass. Telling him he loved him. Having to leave him to get Athena, so they could have their last… Jesus Christ.
He hastened for that beer. Tried to let the sensation of the cooling tin calm him down somehow. Wiped at the tears on his face.
He joined Eddie on the couch, moved to hand him the can. But when Eddie didn’t reach for it Buck looked at him properly.
Eddie was staring off into space. His eyes kind of glazed, sort of frowning and out of it apparently.
“Eddie?”
“Huh?” He jumped which made Buck jump. “Sorry. Shall we put something on?”
“Yeah” Eddie mumbled.
It was a few minutes of small sips and barely watching some car show when Buck felt Eddie looking at him. He didn’t dare look back.
“It was so great to see Pepa” Buck said instead, hastening to stop Eddie from saying anything. He looked at him from the side of his eye and sure enough Eddie’s mouth was open with something unsaid. “And I can’t believe you brought Chris home to…”
“Cheer you up” Eddie supplied, quietly.
“Yeah” buck hummed and smiled. Shit, he was gonna cry again.
Maybe Buck could have Eddie for a few more days.
Maybe that will be enough to quell the plethora of emotions in his chest.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
They laid side by side staring at opposite walls.
With his face smushed into the pillow, Eddie said the two words out loud for the first time. In a whisper, but still out loud. What he had recently come to know was true, but what had been his whole life.
As his eyes filled with tears he bit into Buck’s fucking pillow and clenched his eyes tight.
“Eddie?” Buck whispered, tired but concerned. The mattress springs squeaked unpleasantly as he rolled over. “Did you say something?”
Feigning sleep Eddie shook his head slowly, begging the fresh tears on his face to stop already.
“Are you sure? You’re…you’re shaking”
Eddie bit his lip. Nodded.
More shifting and then a rapid source of heat as Buck pressed his nose and forehead against Eddie’s shoulder. He reached out to wrap his arm around his waist.
“It’s okay Eddie. Whatever it is, it’s okay”
And despite that making the situation worse in the long run , Eddie fell asleep with tear tracks drying on his face.
Maybe it would be.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
I’ll never say that I won’t ever make you cry
And this I’ll say, I don’t know why
I know I’m leavin’
But I’ll be back another day
Notes:
Thanks for reading!
Maybe next chap things will come to head for Dr Rutland 👀
Love
- La x
(yellowdiaz on twitter!)
Chapter 8: Revelations
Summary:
Things finally start adding up
Notes:
Hiii
So sorry it’s been like another month but pressure is on now that the premier of s9 is so soon so imma get this finished I promise!
Based loosely (v loosely lol) on the events of the 8b finale.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Sunlight streamed through the gap in the curtains and Buck winced away from it as he opened his eyes. His head knocked against Eddie’s shoulder and as he glanced up, Eddie was squinting in the light too.
“You should get blinds installed” Eddie groaned, squirming up and away from the bars of light that fell through as he shielded his eyes with his hands,
And despite himself, Buck felt the smile curve across his face. Eddie made to turn over but Buck caught his arm, forcing him to turn back with a roll of his eyes.
They smiled at each other for a moment, despite the sun shining across Eddie’s brow. Then Buck’s phone dinged and dinged again from the bedside table. Eddie suppressed a sigh as Buck reached over to grab it.
He sat up against the headboard and Eddie watched as something different flashed across Buck’s face. The calm, peaceful softness of Buck’s morning demanour shifted into something tense, something harsh.
“You okay?” Eddie asked softly, voice still hoarse from sleep.
“Yeah” Buck nodded. But he was miles away, slipping away from Eddie and their sun lit bedroom.
“It’s not T-“
“No” Buck said, irritated. As Eddie opened his mouth again Buck raised a hand in dismissal “please don’t. Drop it”
He swung his legs over the edge of the mattress and padded on bare feet to the bathroom. Eddie watched after him with pinched brows.
“I’m having a shower” he stated. With no usual light hearted dibs called over his shoulder, or bantered debate over who got to go first or even Buck waiting for Eddie to go first.
Eddie felt his heart sink.
“Oh” Buck said then, appearing again and Eddie’s chest felt warm, bright and hopeful for a second until it sunk again at Buck’s stony look. “I’ve got therapy later. But I know you were going to go shopping this morning so….”
“I’ll tag along” Eddie nodded.
“Right” Buck said and nodded once before disappearing again.
Eddie sighed.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
“You want to transfer?!” Dr Rutland almost exclaimed. Het thick dark eyebrows climbing high as Buck threw his hands out in front of him.
“No! I just…” he sighed. Shook his head. “I hate how the 118 feels right now”
“And you think transferring is the right answer?”
Buck blinked at her and held out his hands like duh.
“Nothing has felt right for months, if u can’t fix it I need to leave” he justified, feeling his knee bounce up and down as he nibbled at his lip.
“Evan-”
“I can’t do it anymore. The-the fake trying and the fake smiles and everyone looking so devastated when they think no one else is looking. Ravi staring at me like I’m going to explode and Hen staring into space like she can’t stop thinking about it and Chim looks…well he doesn’t look good”
“And you?”
“I hate it. I’m either sad or angry or…miserable. And just when I thought everything was going to be okay, I fought with Eddie too. And he’s all like 'Buck you need to talk to me' but he won’t talk to me either. Make it make sense!”
As he sat there, breathing heavy with his rant. He shook his head at the thoughts and feelings that had run rampant through his head, he slowly realised the lack of reply from Dr Rutland. Which wasn't uncommon, but something felt...
He glanced up.
Dr Rutland was staring at him, mouth agape and eyes wide. The clock ticked away loudly as the silenced stretched further and he cleared his throat a few times before she actually said anything else.
“What did you just say?” she uttered shakily, her voice caught in her throat and pulled tight.
“You’re not serious. I’m not repeating all of that, no offence or anything Doc"
“No-no” she scrambled, waving her hands around frantic as her eyes were wider than Buck could ever recall.
“What does Eddie call you?”
“Uh...Buck?” he said like it obvious, because it was.
She nodded slowly.
“And that’s your nickname?”
“Yeah? God have I not mentioned that before”
“And Eddie’s...son calls you that?”
“Chris? Yeah”
She nodded like a bobble head and then slowly, shakily got to her feet. She was pale and kind of clammy, taking slow deep breaths like she'd probably been taught to calm patients down.
“I’m really sorry Evan uh…Buck? Jesus Christ - I um…I’m not feeling well. Please speak to my receptionist, they’ll give you some of the money for this session back I…” she stumbled to the door and Buck, alarmed, followed hastily after.
“Doc? Are you okay? Do you need me to c-”
“Yeah! Yes everything’s fine I…” and then she speeding towards the elevator, Buck hot on her heels, jamming at the button before he could spare a second glance.
He glanced back at the receptionist who raised an eyebrow.
“What was all that about?” she questioned, glancing at the elevator where the doors had not long shut.
“I don’t know I…I’ll be back, I just need to check on her”
He took the stairs two at a time to find Dr Rutland running for the door, throwing it open only to find Eddie parked closer than expected in the parking lot, two ice creams in his hand.
“Oh!” He said, smiling behind those really nice sunglasses he'd treated himself too a few years back.
“Hey Rosa!” he greeted sunnily.
“Rosa?” Buck said, stepping forward as Dr Rutland froze staring between them back and forth a few times like she had whiplash. “You know Dr Rutland?”
“Uh yeah…she’s my therapist”
Then, like a lightbulb had gone off. Eddie said: “oh”
And Buck as the realisation crept in like dread said: “oh shit”
They both stared at her, as she glanced between them, pale and startled before she fled for her car.
“Should we….” Eddie trailed off.
Buck watched as her car haphazardly cut a corner and left the parking lot, leaving an eerie unsettled silence in her wake.
“Uh…I actually kinda need to go back, she just like...left”
“That was really weird. This…is really weird” Eddie said gesturing between the two of them with raised eyebrows.
And Buck wasn’t really sure what to say to that.
“Yeah” he added.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
Eddie stared at the tv screen. The crumpled building. The 118 truck.
Felt Pepa’s gaze burn hot and bright and knowing into the side of his face. With Chris’ not far off, his hand slowly creeping towards his Dad’s across the sofa.
“Dad you gotta go”
He glanced at Chris, the news coverage reflecting off his glasses, one AirPod still in his ear where he’d pulled the over out. Face pulled tight with worry.
Worry for Buck.
Eddie’s mouth fell open but nothing came out, as he glanced up to finally actually look at Pepa she nodded.
“Go, Eddito”
He looked back at Chris who stared at him.
“Dad why are you still here?! We can get another flight, go”
Eddie nodded, darting across the room for his turnouts slung over the chair.
“I love you both” he said, voice wavering as he marched out of the house.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
Hours later and Buck and Eddie trudged through the door, the silence between them heavy and loaded as they kicked off their shoes.
Exhausted after being away from the job for so long, Eddie ran a hand over his face and stared at Buck over the tops of his fingers. But was bracing against the back of the sofa, his shoulders tense.
“Chim’s right you know. You shouldn’t leave just because things are different” he said, watching as Buck froze.
“You’re one to talk, Eddie"
Eddie opened his mouth to retaliate, brows furrowing but shook his head. He forced himself to walk past Buck into the kitchen without further discussion. He checked his phone to see several texts from Pepa that Chris would stay with her for the night since she wasn't sure if a) how long he'd be gone and b) if he needed space following whatever he came across on call.
Right now, Eddie just needed a beer and to not get stuck in it with Buck...again.
The floorboards creaked as Buck followed him. Eddie continued to stare out of the kitchen window.
“He’s right about you too. You should stay”
“That’s not up to me Buck. That’s up to Chris”
“It should be up to you too”
Eddie sighed, closing his tired heavy eyes and shook his head. He grabbed a beer finally, silently handed on to Buck and moved back into the lounge to sink onto the couch.
Buck followed him. Again.
“It’s not as simple as that. It doesn’t work like that”
“He encouraged you to come today, no? Maybe he knows the 118 is where you belong”
Eddie pushed a hand through his hair and reached for his beer, taking a long drag.
“I’ll talk to him” he huffed exasperated.
“Is that what you want to turn that job down with EPFD?”
“Buck you need to stop flip-flopping with me here. It’s not about me”
“But it should be” the couch sunk as Buck finally sat beside him. “It’s your life too, Eddie. You need to think about what you want too”
“What I want is to sleep and make sure that bruise on your ribs isn’t a fraction”
Buck smiled slightly as Eddie tried to smile.
“I'm so glad you were there today, I don’t know what else Rav and I would have done”
“Well I wanted to help”
“See. You wanted to” Buck grinned in success.
Eddie huffed and rolled his eyes.
“It was the 118…it was you. What was I supposed to do?
Buck blinked, surprised as his eyes grow wide.
Shit.
“You were worried about me?”
“Obviously” Eddie scoffed like he could play it off, leave it, let it die.
“Eddie-“
“All I saw on the news was the 118 truck. I wasn’t gonna catch a flight in the midst of that. What if something else happened?”
Buck’s face goes blank.
“Eddie-”
“And you” Eddie stared at him, breathing hard. “You throw yourself into danger every time. How was I supposed to know if you were okay this time? I never know. I couldn’t sit around and rely on the others to make sure of it”
Body alight with emotion, Eddie stood up and began to pace. Remaining on the couch, Buck watched him, body tensed all over.
“Eddie-”
“Stop saying my name, Jesus”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why does it matter if something happens to me? Athena and Chim were trapped and you barely blinked an eye”
“They had each other” Eddie rushed, scratching his head and looking away.
“I had Ravi”
“Ravi’s a problem solver Buck”
“Oh and I’m not?”
The couch squeaked as Buck got up. Double shit.
“Like I said. You’re more likely to throw yourself into danger”
Buck inhaled deeply and shook his head, eyes blazing.
“Stop. Eddie stop it. You always do this, try and get all angry at me instead of addressing the issue or answering my question”
“What issue?”
“Stop trying to get out of this Eddie”
“No. Go on, what issue?”
When had Buck got so close? Eddie could see the fury sparking bright in his deep blue eyes.
“You keep yelling at me instead of talking about it!”
“Talking about what?”
“Oh for fucks sake Eddie!” Buck exclaimed, roaring into Eddie’s last remaining inches of space. “This. Us”
Eddie feels his retort get caught in his throat, exhaling heavily instead. He glared at Buck and his slight height advantage. His heart thumped rapidly against his ribs, so loud he wondered if Buck could hear it.
“That depends” he uttered, trying to keep his voice stead as Buck’s eyes darkened. “Are you going to do something reckless again?”
Buck huffed a disbelieving laugh, he run his tongue against the back of his teeth as he shook his head. Eddie watched it, rapt. A rubber band ready to snap.
“I don’t know Eddie. Are you going to fuck off back to Texas before I have a chance?”
Eddie’s hand moved on a reflex, wrapping around the back of Buck’s neck to what? Steady himself? Make sure Buck ke[t looking at him like that? Pull him closer?
Yeah. That one.
Eddie searched Buck’s furious eyes and, for the first time in nearly 8 years, found the strength to pull him closer.
Yank more like it, not that Buck seemed to complain as their mouths finally met.
Buck made a muffled noise against Eddie's lips but then pulled him closer. His hands falling on either side of his face as Eddie pulled at his ribcage.
They kissed like how they fought, intense, heavy, almost violent. Their hands drifting into hair and pulling tight. Teeth and tongues and scratches of stubble. Heavy breath and swooping stomachs and heart beats loud and roaring in their ears.
Eddie cursed as his back hit the wall, he gasped out a breath as Buck pulled back from him. Looming over him, all half shadows and light as Eddie heaved a breath.
“Answer me, Eddie” Buck panted, his pupils dilated and his face flushed. Eddie couldn’t look away if he tried, hands curling around Buck like a vice.
Eddie swiped his tongue across his lip and Buck followed the motion. The hand in Buck’s hair clamped down and yanked his head back to expose his neck.
Leaning forward, Eddie swiped his open mouth across the delicate skin of Buck’s neck.
As Buck’s sentence stuttered and he groaned, Eddie leant in and begun to suck bruises into the skin. Stopping to bite and kiss alternatively across the skin.
“Stop…stop trying to distract me” he hissed as Eddie nibbled a clustered path of red marks.
Eddie huffed and shook his head: “never”.
Buck pulled Eddie’s face back up to kiss him again, immediately invading his mouth with his tongue and silencing Eddie’s noise of surprise. Then pulled them away from the wall and towards the bedroom with little issue. He missed the doorframe slightly and Eddie bumped his elbow, but otherwise-
“You’ve done this before” Eddie gritted out as Buck got payback and bit down Eddie’s jaw as they stopped at the doorframe. “Is this the route you took with him?”
The thought of it made something unpleasant rise amongst the hot heat in Eddie's stomach. Buck growled and shoved Eddie further into the bedroom and straight onto his back on the mattress. The force of it pulling them apart.
“No” Buck spoke, firm. His flashing dangerously as he straddled Eddie’s hips. Eddie’s hands grappled for his hips as Buck pulled his t-shirt over his head, leaving Eddie semi-speechless at the display of inked milky skin and miles of muscle.
For the first time since they kissed, Buck almost smiled. The side of his lip tilting up as he leant down.
“I didn’t love him” Buck clarified into the air between them watching Eddie’s mouth fall slack with the unsaid. “Now are you gonna answer my question, or are we gonna be here all night?”
Eddie raised an eyebrow and Buck rolled his eyes.
“You know what I mean”
“Are you always this talkative during sex?” Eddie said, somewhat hysterically.
Buck tilted his head and raised his eyebrows again as if to say obviously. Then teased:
“Oh, is that what we’re doing? Having se-“
But then Eddie was pulling his own t-shirt over his head, flinging it past Buck in one smooth motion. When Buck’s eyes fell to his abs he rolled his hips up, creating friction where they were both hard and straining behind their jeans.
“Shit” Buck hissed, shuffling back and away from what he needed most. “Just answer my question and we can get focus on the task at hand”
Eddie snorted. Cheeks blooming with something akin to joy.
“Fine” he said, tracing patterns across Buck’s spread thighs and bunching up the denim as he drew his fingers higher and higher. Listening for Buck’s hitched breath.
“If I tell you, will you tell me why you‘ve been all skittish?”
Buck nodded.
“You and your compromises” Buck chuckled, swatting at Eddie’s hand and leaning forward to trace lines himself across Eddie’s chest.
Eddie grabbed him by the ass and yanked him forward as he ground his hips up again, Buck gasped out a moan and Eddie bit at his lip.
“I don’t hear you complaining” Eddie smirked as Buck leant even further into him, catching his breath.
“Eddie” Buck glared at him, stretching his face to keep his smile away.
“Sorry” he smiled. “I just uh…can’t help myself I guess”
Buck beamed and Eddie felt the flush travel down his chest.
“You’re so cute” Buck simpered, poking his red cheek. “Now spill”
“You matter most” Eddie almost whispered, cupping Buck’s face and swiping his thumb across his cheek. “I love the team with my whole heart, but if something happened to you I wouldn’t be able to stand it. And I realised recently I want to be uh…closer to you…than I ever have before, in a different capacity”
Buck’s face flushed with a smile, his eyes crinkling at the sides.
“How’s that? Are you gonna let me kiss you again?” Eddie whispered.
Buck laughed, Eddie’s favourite sound that he had missed so much.
“Yes. But fair’s fair. I keep acting all antsy because ditto I guess. Realised what I’d felt for you all this time probably wasn’t what best friends felt for each other”
Eddie nodded solemnly, matching Buck’s big smile.
He threaded his hand through the curls at the base of Buck’s head.
“Come here” and Buck conceded, Eddie briefly pressed their lips together before Buck pulled back again. Eddie groaned as Buck left the space small between their faces.
“I had a sex dream about you when you were in Texas you know? That night you called me and you were all drunk and flirty” he smirked.
“Oh?” Eddie poked, raising an eyebrow. “How am I matching up so far?”
“Eh, not bad”
With a huff, a determined look and a lift of his hips, Eddie had Buck on his back with Eddie leering over him. Eddie grinned and leant in to kiss Buck some more and prove a point.
“Wait” Buck said and Eddie pulled back with a groan. “Last thing I swear cause I gotta get you out of those tight as fuck jeans but…I gotta ask...gotta know..so like are you…uh”
“Gay?" Eddie finished for him with a small shy smile. "Yeah. I figured it out when we started sharing a bed and your fridge was stocked up with coconut water”
“Coconut water?” Buck frowned.
Eddie rolled his eyes. “Enough talking already” he said leaning down for a kiss and spreading a hand on the space where Buck’s neck met his chest. He pulled back again.
“Wait. Is this my my dog tag?” He asked, trailing his fingers across the metal around Buck's neck, his confusion morphing into mischief as he smirked.
“You said enough talking!” Buck squeaked, feeling himself flush as he reached for Eddie’s belt to shut him up.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
Eddie’s phone nearly vibrated off of his nightstand the next morning. Shocking him awake and almost suffocated by Buck’s long arms wrapped around him like an octopus.
“Ugh” Eddie complained, groggy and sleep deprived as he answered the phone. “Hello?”
“Mr Diaz? This is Dr Rutland’s office; we’re really sorry if we woke you”
“Huh? No no it’s fine” he glanced over his shoulder at Buck who was listening in with raised eyebrows. “How can I help?”
“Well you don’t happen to know where Mr Evan Buckley is do you? It appears there’s been a bit of an admin error and we’d like to speak to you both. I understand you're originally from the same firehouse? ”
“I’m sure I can get a hold of him” he said, trying to keep his voice even as Buck kissed a line over already sensitive marked skin, hearing him huff a laugh against Eddie's dampened skin. “You want us to come to her office?”
“LAFD headquarters actually. Can you be there for say 11?”
Eddie glanced at his clock reading 8 and back at Buck who wiggled his eyebrows. Eddie bit his lip.
“Yeah that gives us enough time…I mean that should be fine” he rushed, widening his eyes as Buck snorted.
“Smooth” he whispered as Buck whacked him with a pillow.
“Uh huh” the woman said knowingly. “See you then”
Eddie hung up and Buck rolled Eddie onto his back in seconds. Continuing to kissing at Eddie’s neck.
“Ohhhh Dr Rutland is gonna live for this” he giggled as Eddie frowned.
“Rosa has probably seen enough of us. But I won’t lie and say I’m not curious to see if we’re owed compensation or something”
Buck frowned at him. “You’re no fun sometimes”
Eddie grinned wickedly “you wanna bet, Buckley?”
“Try me Diaz” Buck retaliated, golden and delighted.
⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅
When something hit me
Somewhere right between the eyes
Notes:
One chap left an epilogue!
Thank you for reading and your patience!
- La <3
Follow me on twitter @yellowdiaz :)
Ruby_artii on Chapter 1 Sat 13 Sep 2025 06:45PM UTC
Last Edited Sat 13 Sep 2025 06:45PM UTC
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