Work Text:
Louis ducked out of the cabin where the rest of the team was having lunch, closing the door on the voices and laughter. Rain drenched his scalp as he cupped his phone against his ear.
‘Yeah?’
‘Hi. This Louis?’
The voice of the unknown number on the other end of the line was familiar. He’d been replaying it in his head for a week. Louis blew a breath through his teeth.
‘Yeah. Taylor.’
There was a warm laugh. ‘Hey. I wasn’t sure if I should be flattered or worried when Joanne said you’d asked if they could give me your number. What’s up?’
‘’Wasn’t sure if you’d go back there,’ Louis said. ‘’Didn’t know how else to reach you, though. Uh. I have to tell you something.’
‘Okay... Little ominous,’ Taylor laughed. ‘Go ahead, handsome.’
Louis swallowed.
He’d been trying to figure out how to say this all week.
‘The condom broke.’
Or maybe there wasn’t much to say at all.
‘ Oh Jesus.’
There was a dead silence on the other end of the line for several seconds. Louis kept walking, stepping under the shelter of the temporary first floor.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t see it until you’d left, and by the time I’d sorted myself out-’ Sitting there with your dick out and covered in slick and come in a dingey stall in the back of a piss-stained pub bathroom wasn’t the most graceful moment to have an existential crisis. ‘-you were gone.’
‘No, it’s okay. I mean, it’s not okay, that’s fucking- Christ. Okay. But it’s not on you, I meant. I should’ve- Fuck. Okay. Okay.’ There was rustling at the other end, a clatter that could’ve been a door banging shut in the distance. Some deep breaths. ‘Okay.’
‘I’m clean,’ Louis said awkwardly. ‘For what it’s worth. So it’s just... Yeah. I wasn’t sure.’
‘No, yeah, I’m clean, too.’ There was a pause. More breathing. ‘Okay. Thanks. So much, for following up, I know a lot of guys who would’ve just washed their hands of it, you know, acted like it wasn’t their problem- Fuck. No, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s only been a few days. I’ll make an appointment.’
Louis stood and stared at the view of the boxy terraced houses on the other side of the road, hazy grey through the rain.
That answered that, then. It’d been stupid to hope it wouldn’t be an issue, anyway.
‘You okay?’ he asked quietly.
‘Yeah.’ A steadying intake of breath. ‘Jesus, haven’t had this happen before. Fuck.’ Taylor laughed, a bit manic sounding. ‘Not your fault. I mean, I should’ve known better- Everyone says normal fucking condoms aren’t rated for knotting, right? They put it on the fucking box. Don’t know why I was so stupid, Jesus.’
‘It wasn’t just you. Neither of us thought about it,’ Louis said.
Taylor laughed again. It sounded a fraction more normal. ‘Yeah. Heat of the moment. Oh well, shit happens. Guess I’m lucky I picked a considerate hunk like yourself, hm?’
Louis said nothing for a moment. He ground his knuckles into his eyesocket and breathed.
‘Okay. Well.’ Taylor cleared his throat. ‘Thanks. This was... not exactly how I was hoping this call would go, I’ll be honest, but it could’ve been worse.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Louis grimaced at nothing, eyes still screwed shut. ‘If you need anything...’
Taylor snorted. ‘God, I’m not going to be after you for child support, don’t worry. Fastest I can get this sorted, the better. I’ll find out if it even did anything, I guess, and if I have to, I know the drill. It’s fine.’ A stiff moment of silence. ‘I’ll get out of your hair, then.’
‘Sorry.’ Louis blinked out at the rain again. ‘I should get back to work.’
‘Yeah. Thanks, Louis.’
‘Sorry for putting you in this position.’
‘It takes two to tango, big guy.’ He could hear Taylor’s smile in his voice. ‘Catch you later.’
‘Bye.’
Louis took the phone away from his ear, but the call had already ended.
He dropped it into his tool belt and put his hands in his pockets, and he stood there and looked out at the grey, listening to the patter of the rain, the drip drip drip of it pooling and seeping through the cracks in the ceiling and onto the floor somewhere behind him.
Louis peeled off his wet work jacket as he was nudging the front door closed.
The smell of Korean fried chicken made his nostrils flare. He unlaced his steel toed boots and left his wet things where they wouldn’t drip on all of Seth’s smart coats and dress shoes.
He followed the scent into the kitchen in his slightly damp socks.
‘Hey,’ Seth said over his shoulder, casting Louis a flicker of a smile. ‘You’re late.’
‘Sorry. Denny had to take off early to get his kids from childcare, so I had to lock up.’
‘It’s fine. I only got back ten minutes ago, I was just expecting you’d be home before me.’
Louis washed his hands and filled a couple of glasses of water.
The cartons of chicken and dduk-bokki and kimchi fried rice were already on the table. They sat down and served themselves. Louis stuck a piece of chicken in his mouth with his fingers, licking them clean as he chewed.
Seth was still in his shirt and tie. He’d rolled up his sleeves, though. He took a bite of rice, and sighed.
They ate.
‘I need to talk to you,’ Seth said, when they’d made it about two thirds of the way through the food. Well, Seth had. Louis was on second helpings.
Louis’s hand froze halfway to his mouth for a split second, and then he finished the motion.
‘About?’ he asked, after he’d swallowed.
Seth sipped his water and tapped his fingers on the table. ‘About the pregnancy.’
Louis put down his fork.
‘We have to address the possibility that it’s not happening because it can’t.’ Seth was looking off into the corner of the room, speaking quickly. ‘I know the last time we did fertility tests, everything looked normal, but it’s been eighteen months. I’ve had six heats, and we’ve been trying four or five times a week and nothing’s happening. That’s not normal for an alpha-omega couple.’
‘I thought you said Fatimah said it was normal.’
‘She said it can be, nothing’s guaranteed, but this would put us somewhere in the ninety-fifth percentile. If it was going to happen, it should’ve happened by now.’
‘Okay. So what are we doing?’
‘I’ve booked an appointment for Thursday next week. I went in this morning so they could do some blood draws, so they’ve sent those off for testing, and she’ll be able to explain the results when I’m there. And she said she can do some more tests in person. Ultrasound imaging, and maybe some other things.’ Seth’s voice cracked slightly, and he cleared his throat. ‘It’s at three o’clock, so I’ll have to take the afternoon off.’
Louis’s fingers flexed around his glass of water.
‘You want me to drive you?’ he asked.
‘No, it’s fine, you’ll be working. I’ll take the car.’
‘Fuck work. I can take the time off. If you want me there.’
Seth hesitated. ‘That-’ He cleared his throat again. ‘That would be nice. Yes. Please.’
Louis put his glass down, wiping the condensation on his work trousers, and got up. Seth looked at him quickly, for the first time since they’d sat down, and then sucked in a breath as Louis reached for him - but he didn’t resist. Stumbling to his feet, Seth let himself be pulled into Louis’s arms.
‘Fuck.’ Seth’s fingers curled into the back of Louis’s worn, still clammy t-shirt, hunching a little to tuck his face into Louis’s neck.
‘They can probably do tests on me, too,’ Louis muttered, holding Seth steady as he spasmed and made small, strangled little sounds into the cotton of Louis’s shirt. ‘Like you said the other week, I’ve not been knotting you as much as I should’ve.’
Not not been knotting at all, though.
The taste of chicken and rice soured on the back of his tongue.
‘This is just a starting point,’ Seth agreed, voice a little rough, his arms tightening around Louis’s back. ‘We’ll see what she says, and if we need to, we can make an appointment for you as well.’
‘Okay.’ Louis nosed at the rust-coloured waves of Seth’s hair. He smelled like rain and oakmoss shampoo.
Seth breathed deep and squeezed Louis’s shoulders, and then pulled back and cleared his throat, turning to clear the table.
Louis wasn’t hungry anymore. He picked up his glass and drained it before he collected the plates.
‘I know it’s difficult to hear something like this,’ Doctor Tahir said. She had a dark blue patterned headscarf on today, and she pushed her horn rimmed glasses up her nose so she could meet Seth’s gaze.
Seth was sitting straight-backed in the uncomfortable chair, hands folded on his lap. Louis leant with his elbows on his knees, fiddling with the sleeve his jacket that was folded across one thigh, gaze not quite focussing properly as he watched Seth’s knuckles flex and whiten.
‘I want to be clear that the diagnosis we’re looking at doesn’t affect your ability to carry a child safely to term. While you might not be able to conceive naturally at this point, we have several options we can talk about. I do need you to consider seriously whether you’d be willing or able to go through the process of IVF.’
‘I will do anything it takes to make this happen,’ Seth cut across her, sharp and a little too high.
She smiled at him gently. ‘The follow-up tests we talked about will help us find out whether we can induce ovum production with hormone therapy. That’s the first step. If we can get a positive result there, then we may be able to extract from you and fertilise in vitro, and then implant the embryo manually. But if the answer isn’t what we’re hoping for, it may be necessary to look for a donor.’
Seth breathed in quietly through his nose, shoulders pinching as his posture stiffened fractionally more. The doctor paused a moment, shuffling papers on her desk and clicking on something on her computer, and then gave him another steadying smile. She glanced at Louis as well, for the first time in a while.
‘I’ll give you some pamphlets to take with you,’ she said quietly. ‘I recommend taking some time to talk about this together in detail if you want to look at IVF. It’s not a simple process, and it can be quite expensive, as well as taking a long time.’ She spun her chair around and reached for some folded leaflets on a shelf behind her desk. ‘I know it might not be your preferred choice, but I’ll also include some information about adoption and surrogacy procedures, so that you can make an informed decision once we know what the next steps may be.’
‘I’m not interested in raising someone else’s child,’ Seth snapped, ignoring the leaflets as she held them out to him, sitting back sharply in his chair. His arms wrapped around himself in his suit jacket, like he was warding off a chill. ‘That’s not what we want.’
Doctor Tahir didn’t comment, just put her offerings on the edge of the desk within reach. Louis took them and folded them into his jacket pocket.
‘I would also like you to consider seeing a therapist to help support you through this,’ the doctor went on smoothly, pulling a small card out of a drawer by her knees. She slid it across the desk with two fingers and looked at Seth over her glasses, serious black brows making a straight line across her forehead. ‘I can recommend Eileen Simmons. She specialises in fertility counselling. I think you could really benefit from talking to somebody neutral who can help you to make sense of how you’re feeling at the moment.’
Seth pursed his lips, but took the card.
Doctor Tahir patted the desk lightly and readjusted her glasses.
Louis bowed his head and looked at the pattern of the carpet between his boots.
‘Seth-’
Seth moved fast as soon as they were out of the office. Louis had to jog to keep up.
‘This isn’t a good time. I’m supposed to be back in the office as soon as possible,’ Seth snapped, not looking at him. ‘The appointment already overran by ten minutes.’
‘Can you stop? We should-’
‘Later, Lou, for god’s sake.’
Louis clenched his jaw, lengthening his stride to stay alongside.
A few more yards down the hallway, there was a sign over a doorway. Wordlessly, Louis grabbed Seth by the elbow and hauled him into the mens’ loos, ignoring his hissing protests.
‘Stop,’ Louis said flatly, pushing Seth towards the mirrors.
Louis tossed his jacket onto the countertop beside the sinks.
There were little paper cups in a dispenser on the wall, and a special tap that said filtered, drinking water. Louis filled a cup and handed it to Seth silently, reaching for a couple of paper towels and damping them in the sink while Seth sullenly drank.
Seth let Louis put the empty cup aside and unbutton his collar, and closed his eyes for Louis to gently wash his face. Louis worked slowly, mopping away all the traces of perspiration and smoothing out the stress-lines with his thumb. Tossing the scrunched-up paper away, he cupped Seth’s cheek, and there was a quiet moment where they both just breathed.
The clinic’s bathrooms smelled of disinfectant and lily of the valley soap. Seth’s scent was invisible under his blockers, only a hint of his tobacco cologne.
‘We can take five minutes,’ Louis murmured. ‘’Won’t make any odds now.’
A cracked sound broke out of Seth’s mouth, opening like a gasp, and he crumpled. Louis caught him and Seth’s arms coiled around his neck, snakelike, tight enough to strangle as he pressed them together from shirt collar to mismatched shoes, Seth’s dark brown wingtip oxfords slotting between Louis’s grubby work boots. Louis folded his arms around Seth’s waist.
‘I can’t,’ Seth whisper-wailed, damp breaths against Louis’s t-shirt where his head was bowed. ‘I can’t. I can’t.’ Drops of hot-wet-salt prickled at Louis’s skin through the cotton.
Louis closed his eyes and held on.
‘It’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair.’
‘I know.’
It was longer than five minutes, probably. Louis didn’t check his watch. It could’ve been a thousand years, and he’d’ve still told Seth they had time.
Pulling back, unwinding, clearing his throat; Seth looked away before Louis could hold his gaze, reaching for his cup, and Louis stood aside and let him splash more water on his face and have another drink.
‘We have to go.’
Louis nodded and grabbed his coat.
The waiting room was busy as they headed for the clinic doors. Men, women, screaming kids playing with the wire-and-block toys in the corner. There was no reason to go to the intake desk this time, Dr Tahir had already put through their follow-up appointment.
Someone else crossed in front of them as Seth was reaching for the door - a tall figure in a sapphire blue bolero and tight, patterned black leggings - and Seth snatched his hand back as they nearly collided.
‘Oh, shit, sorry,’ the guy said, dodging and spinning to give them an apologetic smile.
It sort of froze on his face, though, as his gaze skittered across Seth and found Louis.
‘It’s fine,’ Seth said, curt and unnaturally steady, stepping aside.
Louis didn’t move. His feet were fixed to the floor.
Taylor’s eyes darted between Louis and Seth a second time, then a third, more slowly. He took a quick breath, chest rising and falling under the strings of necklaces that rested against the smooth, lightly furred V of golden skin, framed by the plunging neckline of his floral-patterned black lace top.
He was holding a piece of paper, a little crinkled in his fist.
‘No.’ Seth’s voice broke through the haze of dread, and Louis flinched, tried to turn away. Seth was watching them, expressionless. ‘Don’t,’ he said, voice harder, louder- ‘Don’t fucking say it.’ He made a sound, sharp and hard and furious, and spun on his heel, slamming his way out through the glass doors with a clatter that made several people look round.
‘Shit.’
Louis followed Seth out into the car park. He was several metres behind, Seth moving fast on long legs and putting more distance between them with every stride. Louis broke into a run.
The car flashed its lights and beeped as Seth veered for the driver’s door, wrenching it open and throwing himself into the seat. Louis caught up and yanked the passenger side open, throwing his jacket into the back as he scrambled to get in. He still had one foot on the tarmac, though, when Seth slammed his fists against the steering wheel and yelled wordlessly, voice painfully loud in the confines of the vehicle, flinging himself back out and spinning in a circle like he was searching for something.
‘Fuck! Fuck! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck everything, fuuuuuck!’ Seth raged, snatching the phone holder off the air vent on the dash and throwing it across the car park. It smashed, some piece of shrapnel splintering off it and pinging off a neighbouring car. Seth snarled, tossing a half-empty bottle of water after it, cheap plastic bursting on the pitted surface of the tarseal. ‘Fuck fuck fuck fuck!’
Louis stood by the open car door, hands limp at his sides, watching the broken bottle roll and spill progressively smaller waves of stale, lukewarm water across the ground. He flinched at the bang of Seth kicking the car door closed, the whole vehicle rocking beside him.
There was movement a couple of parking spaces down. Louis’s gaze flashed to it reflexively. Taylor stood there, his piece of paper clutched in his fist; his stare flickered between them silently, sombre.
Spinning in place, Seth caught sight of him as well, and Louis lurched, almost clotheslined himself on the open car door as Seth suddenly burst into motion.
‘You,’ Seth snarled, voice bouncing off the walls of the clinic and the rustling trees that bounded the car park. ‘Who the fuck are you? How many times have you fucked my fiancé? How long have you known him? How fucking dare you?!’
Taylor was already backing up as Louis scrambled around the car and bolted after Seth’s fast-moving form. Hands up in placation, Taylor’s piece of paper flapped in the light breeze.
‘Whoa, hey, hi, please don’t come any closer,’ Taylor said, steady but warning. ‘Hello, we’ve not met before, I don’t know your name. Are you okay?’
Louis caught up too late, grabbing uselessly at Seth’s shoulder, because Seth already had Taylor’s stupid little blue jacket by the lapels. Taylor’s back thudded against the side of the neighbouring four wheel drive.
‘You? You don’t know my name?’ Seth snarled, thunder and lightning. ‘You fucked my alpha, you fucking bitch, don’t fucking ask me if I’m okay, I’m never going to be okay, I’ll fucking kill you!’
‘Seth-’
‘How fucking dare you, you disgusting slut, I should slap the shit out of you, you fucking bitch whore!’
Taylor flashed his teeth, face hard, shoving Seth off and dodging aside.
‘Your alpha?’ he spat back, avoiding Seth’s lurch forward with another quick step back. ‘Your alpha didn’t feel the need to mention he had a bitch at home, piece of shit seemed to think he was pretty single when he was knotting me in a pub bathroom last week.’
Seth staggered like he’d been punched, and Louis’s grip fell away from his arm as Seth whirled on him.
‘You knotted him?!’
The drumming of Louis’s pulse was like a physical thing, bang bang bang inside his head, too loud too big too much-
Seth’s face was a mask of the kind of pain he hadn’t bared so openly on his skin in years, not since he was fighting with his parents, not since he was cutting them out of his life when he was in his teens, and it was biting into Louis’s chest, ripping, tearing, bleeding-
The ringing slap across his cheek flared like a burn, echoed among the parked cars, and then Seth was beating his fists childishly against Louis’s chest, shoving him, pushing him backwards as Louis staggered on unsteady feet, numb and blinded by the sight of Seth’s tears spilling over. Louis reached for him, his arms, his hands, as Seth made a strangled sound, a hateful sob that twisted in his throat.
Then something shifted on Seth’s face, the shutters coming back down. He jerked back out of Louis’s reach, smearing the wetness from his cheeks, and turned on Taylor again. Taylor, who was still there, a few metres back now, at a safe distance, but still watching them in silence with a small grimace.
Seth pointed at him. No, at his hand - the piece of paper that Taylor was still holding by his side.
‘Are you pregnant?’ Seth said, loud and flat. ‘Is that your results? Did he fucking knock you up?’
Taylor winced. He waved the printout sort of awkwardly. ‘No, it- This is my prescription. I already... It’s only been, like, ten days, so. Don’t worry. I’m not keeping it.’
The quiet sound Seth made, low in his chest, was like glass shattering. He spun on his heel and stormed for the car without a backward glance.
Louis stood very still for a few seconds. He swallowed once, staring halfway through Taylor as Taylor looked back, and then turned towards the car-
The engine roared, and Louis nearly stumbled as he jumped back out of the way. The wheels screeched on the tarmac as Seth accelerated past where Louis was standing, and the smell of burnt rubber and exhaust made Louis cover his mouth and nose as his back thudded against a parked Prius.
In his wake, with the fading sounds of the car veering out of the turning and merging with nearby traffic, the car park was very quiet.
Louis touched his face. His cheek and jaw hurt. It felt like there was a slight scratch at the corner of his eye.
Taylor blew out a noisy breath and said, ‘Well. Glad I didn’t call you to see if you wanted a booty call, you lying prick.’
His voice was wry. When Louis glanced at him, he grinned back crookedly, thumb tucked into the waistband of his leggings.
Louis just blinked and looked away.
‘Why didn’t you say anything?’ Taylor asked. ‘You didn’t want to try and do any damage control? Do you enjoy getting the shit slapped out of you or something?’
‘What’s there to say?’ Louis said hoarsely. ‘’Wasn’t like he was wrong. ‘Sorry’ wouldn’t exactly have fixed it.’
‘’Would be a good start.’
There was a minute of silence. A different car pulled into the turning, passed them; Louis watched the water bottle Seth had thrown get crushed under its tyres.
‘He wants a baby,’ Louis said finally. ‘So badly. We’ve been trying for two years.’
Taylor sucked air through his teeth. ‘Shit.’
‘The doctor just told us he probably can’t make his own eggs anymore. He can’t have what he wants.’
‘Double shit.’
Numbly, Louis patted his pockets. He was just in his t-shirt and jeans. His jacket was... still on the back seat of the car. With his wallet, and his phone, and his keys.
Fuck.
Taylor huffed quietly. ‘That’s all you’ve got to say?’ he observed dryly. ‘No further comments at this time?’
Louis shrugged, blinking at a pebble on the tarmac.
‘What else do you want?’ he said. ‘I fucked up.’
‘’Sorry’ would be nice. I don’t especially enjoy getting wrapped up in other people’s relationship drama. I’m a nice boy, I don’t usually fuck around with nearly-married guys.’
‘Sorry.’
Taylor made a half-amused, half-exasperated noise, and sighed.
‘I have to go back inside,’ Louis muttered. ‘’See if I can call someone to get a ride.’
‘Oh shit, he took off with all your stuff?’ Taylor laughed.
Louis grunted, turning for the door.
Taylor gave another, heavier, more long-suffering sigh, and grabbed Louis’s upper arm as he passed by.
‘Fuck it. Get in the car,’ Taylor said gesturing to the Prius that’d been propping Louis up. He raised his eyebrows at Louis’s uncomprehending stare. ‘I’ll drive you wherever.’
‘Oh.’ Louis looked at the car again, and rubbed his face. It stung. ‘Thanks.’
Taylor unlocked it, grimacing. ‘I’d say any time, but... Honestly, let’s hope this never fucking happens again.’
Taylor gave him a wary glance when he worked out that the address Louis had given him was a friend’s. ‘Too scared to go home?’ he said dryly. Louis just grunted.
They didn’t talk for the rest of the drive.
Pulling up at the kerb outside Jim’s place, Taylor turned off the quiet engine and sat with his hands still on the wheel and the gearshift for a few moments. He only stirred when Louis reached for the door handle.
‘You’ve got my number,’ Taylor said.
Louis paused. Glanced at him sideways.
Taylor grimaced. ‘Don’t fucking call me. That’s not- We are never fucking again, you’re an arsehole. But- This is weird.’ He sighed and rubbed his temples, a grimace marring his smooth forehead. ‘You can give it to your ex. If you think he won’t punch you for it. Just- Let him know he can call me, if he needs anything. I owe him an apology.’
‘You don’t,’ Louis said, voice raspy. ‘It wasn’t your fault.’
Taylor gave him a stony look. ‘No shit. Not about that. You’re the one who lied and fucked around on him,’ he said flatly. ‘I meant for earlier. I didn’t mean to throw it in his face. I didn’t know about the... baby thing. I wasn’t thinking, I should’ve fucking figured out why you guys would be there. I feel bad for hurting him.’
Louis nodded. ‘Okay.’
Taylor nodded too. ‘Okay.’
Louis got out of the car.
‘Thanks,’ he said, before he closed the door.
‘Good luck not screwing up the rest of your life,’ Taylor answered.
The door slammed, and Louis walked up the garden path as the car drove away.
He sat on Jimmy’s front step, concrete scratching and tugging at his jeans as he rested his head back against the door and looked up at the clouds scudding across the sky.
Louis reread Seth’s texts as he stepped down off the bus.
< Meet me at Milk&Honey tomorrow
11:30
We have to talk.
Before that, the last messages had been nearly three weeks back; a reminder to get margarine and wet wipes from the shop, and that Seth would pick him up from work in time for the appointment with Doctor Fatimah.
It was only a hundred metres or so around the corner to the café. Louis stuffed his phone back in his pocket and hunched his shoulders against the light rain, which prickled over his buzzcut and down his neck.
The café was stuffy and noisy inside, smelling of roasting coffee beans and warm, buttery pastry and burnt sugar. Louis glanced around, wincing slightly at the scream of the milk frother, and caught sight of Seth’s slicked back reddish-brown hair in a booth near the back.
He slid into the seat opposite without speaking. Seth’s gaze flickered up at him, but sort of glanced off his shoulder and his collarbone, never quite making it to Louis’s face.
Seth’s phone was on the table, resting on a folded napkin so it wouldn’t touch the worn timber, neatly squared so it was in line with the corners of both napkin and table. There was a notepad next to it, similarly arranged and protected from possible germs, the silver pen resting crosswise on top of its closed cover.
Although Seth’s hands weren’t touching the table, the cuffs of his wool coat brushed against it where he was fiddling with something. The thing glinted, warm toned, catching the soft light of the bare bulbs hanging over the counter opposite.
Louis put his hands in his pockets, his thumb rubbing over the smooth metal of his own engagement ring. He didn’t wear it all that much, with work, but recently... It’d seemed... Well.
There was a pause.
‘Coffee?’ Seth said.
‘Sure.’
They ordered. Seth got a single origin something or other; Louis asked for a cappuccino. Seth got a chicken salad with rice noodles on the side, and Louis asked for the full breakfast, eggs scrambled, not fried. They looked out of the window while they waited.
‘Fuck you,’ Seth said finally. Not very loud.
Louis nodded.
Seth cleared his throat. ‘I’ve been talking to a therapist.’ His fingers twiddled the ring faster, around and around, the small cluster of leaf-shaped green peridots glinting at the corner of Louis’s eye. ‘The one Fatimah recommended. I’ve been going three times a week, because I was... in crisis, apparently.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Louis said hoarsely.
Seth dismissed him with a flick of his fingers, never letting the ring stop moving. ‘Although she agrees with me that you’re a fucking arsehole, it has been... brought to my attention... that I may have been... emotionally unavailable. To you. For a while.’
Louis stopped picking at the seam of his jeans and looked at Seth properly.
‘What?’ Louis said.
Seth pursed his lips, gaze still fixed on a sign across the street. ‘I’m here so we can talk. About what went wrong.’
Louis breathed out.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said quietly. ‘I know that’s not... enough. But... I didn’t go out planning to do it. I never thought about it until it happened. I was drunk, and... not doing great. In my head.’ He stopped, clenching his fists on his knees. ‘It was just the once. I regretted it the second it was over. I just... wanted you to know that.’
Seth didn’t react, just sitting there against the high back of the booth, very upright and brittle. After he seemed to be sure Louis was done, he nodded.
There was an uncomfortable pause.
‘So... What did you want us to say?’ Louis asked.
Seth huffed, flipping the ring back and forth between his fingers. With each movement, it dipped down over a fingertip - almost slipping on - before he pulled it away again. Louis watched it twist back and forth.
‘That’s up to you,’ Seth said curtly. ‘I want... I’m supposed to ask you how you felt. About...’ He grimaced. ‘Not that. Just. Us. Our relationship. What... wasn’t working. How... my diagnosis... made you feel.’
Louis hesitated. ‘I... Why? To... find out why I did it?’
Seth’s face twisted in disgust. ‘No. Absolutely not. I don’t want to hear your justifications for finding yourself a hotter, younger guy to fuck, I never want to hear anything about that. But our relationship was better, before. Before we started trying for a baby. And we never talked about that, so. We should.’
They were interrupted, the waiter sliding their rustic earthenware coffee cups onto their table with a cheery burst of chatter, divvying up the plates of food, passing out cutlery. Seth paused to ask for more napkins and a glass of water. The guy whisked away and then back with the requested items before Louis could finish buttering his wholegrain toast, and then they were left alone at their table again in the semi-silence of the echoing café.
‘I don’t understand,’ Louis said, not looking up from his plate. He speared a piece of sausage, toast, and hashbrown on his fork. ‘Is this... closure? Did your... therapist, doctor, whatever, think it’ll help?’
Seth tsked, busy polishing his cutlery with one of the spare napkins and a little bottle of food-safe sanitiser. ‘God, I don’t fucking know, Lou, I’m not an expert, am I? She said if we’re going to work it out we have to talk about it, so here I am. IVF is supposed to be incredibly stressful, it can take years, it’s hard and emotionally draining- We’re going to have to address our issues so we can move forward, or we might as well not bother.’
‘What?’ Louis looked up at him over a forkful of beans. He blinked. Seth made another irritated noise, pursing his lips.
‘She gave me a referral, so we can start doing joint sessions with a couples’ therapist. The new lady specialises in fertility, as well, but how it affects the relationship as a whole, not just... individually. I’ve made us a Zoom appointment for Tuesday evening to get started, if you can come over after work. If you can’t make it, fine, we can reschedule. But asking you about your feelings is my homework for the week so I can prepare for my next session, anyway.’
Louis put down his fork.
‘You want to stay together?’ he asked quietly.
Seth sat bolt upright, bristling. ‘You don’t?’
‘No- Yes! I do! Of course I do,’ Louis blurted, shoving his shaking hands under the table to grip his knees. ‘I just didn’t- I thought- You left. You kicked me out, I thought you’d never want to talk to me again-’
‘I didn’t kick you out,’ Seth hissed, placing a hand flat on the table as he leant forward, which was a mark of how angry he was - he hadn’t even put a napkin down first. ‘You didn’t come home, but my therapist agreed it would be a good idea to have some space while I was working through the... feelings. Of betrayal. And grief. So. I wasn’t going to order you to come back before you were ready.’ He straightened up, reaching for a napkin automatically and re-sanitising his hands. ‘Especially if you were still... with him.’
‘I’ve never been with him,’ Louis cut in quickly, roughly. ‘Not like that, not- It wasn’t an- an affair, it was a stupid fucking mistake I made once, that’s it. The only times I’ve seen him were that night and the day you met him. I talked to him once over the phone to tell him about th-... the condom breaking. That’s all. I’m not going to see him ever again.’
Seth nodded curtly, skewering a piece of crisp lettuce to the plate with his fork. He scooped it up with a sliver of chicken, twirled a couple of fine rice noodles around the tines, and popped it in his mouth.
Louis had a sip of his cappuccino and listened to Seth’s demure chewing.
‘Your story matches his,’ Seth said after a little while. Louis looked up at him, watched Seth dab his lips with a clean napkin. ‘He said the same thing. So. Either you’ve been practising your script, or you’re both telling the truth, I suppose.’
‘You’ve talked to him?’
‘You gave me his number.’
‘Because he asked me to. I didn’t think-’ Louis stopped himself, reached for his coffee again. ‘I did it ‘cause he asked. I thought you’d be pissed off.’
Seth shrugged, putting together another perfect bite with his knife and fork. ‘Your note said he wanted to apologise personally. I wanted to hear what he had to say.’
Louis nodded. Breathed. Picked up his own cutlery again.
They both ate.
‘It wasn’t his fault,’ Louis said after a while. ‘It was just me. I never told him.’
‘I know. He said.’ Seth sipped his coffee. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I wanted to. I was- I...’ Louis stared at the tomato sauce from the baked beans mingling with the curds of creamy scrambled egg at the side of the plate. He forked a piece of toast and smeared it through the mess. ‘I didn’t know how. I was trying to work out what the hell to say. I was... scared. Of how much it’d hurt you.’
‘Well, that didn’t help,’ Seth pointed out acerbically.
‘I know.’ Louis cleared his throat. ‘It was stupid.’
There was another pause. Louis ate more mostly-cold sausage and toast and eggs.
‘Is that why you’d been coming home late and making excuses to avoid fucking me for a week and a half?’
‘I- Yeah.’ Louis grabbed his coffee cup like a lifeline. ‘I was... It felt wrong. Without telling you. And I still hadn’t spoken to him, about the condom, so I didn’t know if... I hadn’t got any tests done. I didn’t know if I could’ve caught anything. I wasn’t going to put you at risk.’
Seth scoffed quietly and dabbed his mouth with a napkin.
Louis finished his coffee.
‘Well, you should come home this weekend,’ Seth said, pushing fragments of lettuce around his plate. ‘We have to be in one place if we’re going to work on this. And we have our appointment on Tuesday. You can sleep on the couch, so we’ve still got some distance.’
Louis nodded. ‘Okay.’
‘Hey, it’s me.’
‘Welcome home,’ Louis called from the kitchen as the front door closed.
There was the rustle and thud of Seth taking off his coat and putting away his shoes.
‘Hi.’
Louis glanced over his shoulder where he was standing at the sink. Seth smiled at him, a bit - slightly pinched, slightly drawn, the way he had more or less every time for the week and a bit since Louis had been home. He looked tired.
‘’You okay?’ Louis asked. ‘How’s Nicole?’
‘Fine. Busy,’ Seth said, loosening his tie and reaching past Louis to wash his hands. Louis gave him space, but not too much. Seth’s body was a warm line against his side.
‘Kettle on?’ Louis offered.
‘Mm. Please.’
Louis flipped the switch with a knuckle and went back to rinsing dishes.
Behind him, Seth rattled around in the fridge for a minute, and then disappeared in the direction of the bathroom. With the kettle coming to a boil in the corner, Louis couldn’t hear whether or not the shower had come on. He set out the tea mugs anyway.
The tea was cooling slowly on the table when Seth reappeared, ruffling his damp hair and dabbing at his neck with a towel. He took his mug, the one with the skinny handle which he said was more comfortable to hold. It was bone china, very fine and delicate, so you could almost see through it when you held it up to the light. Louis was always paranoid he’d break it somehow.
‘You cleaned the bathroom,’ Seth said, cradling his mug, glancing up at Louis over top of it. ‘And vacuumed.’
‘I had the time,’ Louis said, putting the last of the plates away with a clatter.
‘Thank you.’ Seth paused. Sipped his tea. Put it down, and dropped his towel on the back of a chair.
Louis startled slightly when he turned and found Seth stepping into his space. They were still on strict no-sex rations, they’d agreed it would be better that way at their first therapy session, to have time to rebuild trust and stuff. It meant they hadn’t really touched that much in what felt like centuries, though.
Wordless, not making eye contact, Seth cupped Louis’s stubbled jaw and leant in to press a soft little kiss to his cheek. He hesitated, lips still sort of brushing Louis’s skin.
His scent was warm and musky and familiar, settling on the back of Louis’s tongue now that Seth had washed his blockers off. Sweet, almost. His fancy shampoo, mingled with the real-alive-human scent of his skin.
Louis breathed out raggedly, hands reaching for Seth, touching his waist- and then pulled them back.
‘It’s fine,’ Louis muttered. ‘I know how you do it. Or- Sorry, if I missed anything.’
Seth made a low, disagreeing little noise, fingers circling Louis’s wrist and pulling it back to his hip. He turned Louis’s head just enough, their noses nudging together. They shared breath, and Seth held Louis’s gaze; his blue-grey eyes clear and focused and unflinching, a rare and precious thing.
Louis sighed into it as Seth kissed him softly. He cradled Seth against him, one hand sliding under the hem of Seth’s t-shirt to touch the smooth skin at the small of his back.
Actually- Louis’s t-shirt. It was one of his work shirts, with the company logo stitched on the breast. He must’ve borrowed it.
It felt like forever since Seth’d done something like that. They had separate drawers. It wasn’t something you did by accident.
‘Dinner smells lovely,’ Seth murmured against the corner of Louis’s mouth. ‘Thank you.’
‘Ten more minutes in the oven,’ Louis rasped.
‘I booked us that bike tour. There weren’t any openings until next month, but they had a few slots on the tenth.’ Seth nuzzled Louis’s cheek, ducked his head to nose down his neck and breathe in his scent at the crook of his shoulder. It made Louis shudder.
‘Sounds- Sounds good.’
‘We need to pick something else for next week.’
‘Museum, or something?’ Louis was having trouble focusing, fingers exploring the play of lean muscle over Seth’s back, reaching for his shoulders under the rucked up shirt. They’d stop touching soon. Probably. They’d agreed.
‘Would that bore you?’
‘No.’ Louis hesitated. ‘Maybe not art.’
‘There’s the technology and architecture museum downtown.’
‘Yeah. If you’d like it.’
Seth raised his head, cupping Louis’s cheek again, stroking a thumb over the shell of his ear - then back, to play over the velvet of his shorn-short hair. The touch was unfamiliar, confrontingly intimate, a battering ram to the fragile scaffolding of intimacy they’d been slowly rebuilding. Louis stopped breathing.
‘Yes, please,’ Seth said quietly, gaze flickering from Louis’s mouth to his eyes again, and then his rusty lashes fluttered shut and he leant in for another light, lingering kiss.
The timer went off with their hands still on each other’s hips and shoulderblades, still affixed to one another at the mouth. Louis hummed apologetically, and Seth made a little grumbling noise, but he pulled himself away, adjusted his shirt and his soft sweats. Louis went to check on the chicken.
‘Let me run you a bath,’ Louis said over dinner. ‘After. We could watch a movie later. I could give you a foot massage.’
Seth finished his mouthful, cutting another small morsel of herb-crusted chicken thigh meat from the bone, picking up a piece of roasted parsnip and some beans and rice to go with it.
‘We could share the bath,’ Seth said, without looking up. ‘I’m too tired for a film, but it would be nice to be close for a while. Since we’re still not allowed to go to bed together.’
‘Allowed’ was maybe a strong word. It wasn’t like their new therapist would enforce it. She’d just made a few suggestions.
‘If you want,’ Louis said.
Seth nodded.
They tidied up together. Seth filled the dishwasher and put it on. Louis tubbed up the leftovers and put them in the fridge for lunch. They moved around each other a little less awkwardly now than they had done a week ago, but still more off kilter than they’d used to.
After, Louis headed to the bathroom and turned on the hot water, filling the air with steam. He put a scoop of Seth’s favourite bath salts in, even though it made the tub feel gritty under your arse; a few drops of lavender oil, as well, and the weird milky stuff that made the whole thing go cloudy white, like you were soaking yourself in badly mixed paint.
Seth joined him as Louis was fluffing the towels on the heated rack, and he closed the bathroom door quietly to keep out the draughts, putting the little stack of their folded pyjamas on the countertop beside the sink. They brushed their teeth side by side, apart from when Louis paused to check the bath temperature and turn off the tap.
Louis stood aside as Seth peeled off his clothes, revealing acres of skin nearly as milky as the bathwater, and all those brown-sugar freckles that cloaked Seth’s back and shoulders and the tops of his thighs.
‘Come on,’ Seth said over his shoulder. ‘You have to get in first, we have to share the head end.’
Louis stripped off and did as he was told.
The water slopped and steamed around them as they shuffled carefully into place, Louis’s shoulderblades digging into the cool enamel above the waterline, Seth’s body cradled against his chest and between his thighs. Seth rested his head in the curve of Louis’s shoulder with a comfortable sigh. Louis rested his own head back against the tiles and closed his eyes.
‘I spoke to Taylor today.’
Louis froze. Seth’s hand was on his knee, tracing little patterns over his skin, both damp from the milky water.
‘He hasn’t got rid of it yet.’
Louis’s stomach dropped out. His head spun like he was falling in one of those horrible fairground rides, the ones that kept on swinging and swinging, up and down, up and down, like they’d never stop.
Seth’s thumb traced the shape of the half-moon scar on the side of Louis’s kneecap.
‘He says he’s going to, but... I’m not sure.’ Seth’s voice was low and husky, almost dreamy, like he was thinking out loud. ‘He said he didn’t know about the heat symptoms, so he needed to work out his schedule. Get time off.’
‘Does he have a safe space?’ Louis hadn’t meant to say anything, but it was reflex. Doctors didn’t always know to talk about it - a lot of them still weren’t that well trained about AO shit. Assumed you could just throw pills at it and make the problem go away, like normal people, like beta women could. If they hadn’t explained it to Taylor- Jesus. Things were supposed to get better, not worse.
‘Yes, he lives with a flatmate he trusts. He said he’s had heats there before,’ Seth answered. He sighed. ‘He’s on a long suppressant cycle, apparently, so he said it’s been a while. But he’ll be fine.’
Louis closed his mouth. Nodded, once.
‘I think he’s putting it off,’ Seth burst out. It sounded like it’d been fighting to get out for a while. ‘I think- He told me he got the pills the first day, he’d had them for four days when I called him the first time. There’s no reason he shouldn’t have just done it, if he wanted to. I don’t think he wants to.’
Louis clenched his eyes shut and breathed steadily through his nose. Lavender and soap and steam, and the tendrils of Seth’s pheromones, all tangled-sad-happy-angry, bitter-sharp zest and cinnamon warmth.
‘He feels guilty,’ Seth said, voice thick and strange. ‘Or- or something. I don’t know. He hasn’t said it, but- I think he feels like it’s wrong, getting rid of it, because of- because of me. Us. Trying. So he hasn’t... He can’t make himself do it.’
Louis didn’t say anything.
Seth’s breathing was shaky; Louis could feel it against his chest, hear the echo in the damp, sweet scented air.
‘How do you feel about that?’ Seth asked finally, a little rough.
Louis took a deep, slightly trembling breath. He opened his eyes, stared at the ceiling. Listened to Seth breathe.
‘How do you feel about it?’ Louis asked quietly.
Seth choked out a laugh, an audible grimace. ‘Ragingly jealous. So, so fucking envious, I’d rip it out of him with my teeth and shove it into my own womb by hand if I could. I covet. I want that fucking baby so badly I want to cannibalise him for parts.’ The words rang off the white walls like gunshots in the abrupt silence. ‘But he seems sweet,’ Seth added, with a husky little laugh.
Louis’s chuckle was a rasp, like it was being ground down to nothing trying to get out of his throat. He swallowed thickly.
‘’Didn’t talk to him much,’ he admitted. ‘But... yeah. He seemed like a good guy.’ There was a moment of fragile silence before he added: ‘’Deserved better. Same as you.’
Seth made a quiet sound that was probably agreement.
The tap dripped. From the house nextdoor, there was the faint murmur of music.
‘You didn’t answer,’ Seth said. ‘How do you feel about Taylor, now, and the- the foetus?’
Louis hesitated.
‘I... don’t think I understand,’ he began haltingly. ‘Why he hasn’t done it yet. We didn’t really... talk about it. But he seemed... sure, when we did.’
Seth was quiet for a while. The bath sloshed, the sounds echoing off the metallic surface, as he unbent his long legs and shifted in Louis’s lap, propping his crossed ankles on the end by the tap. There was another pause.
‘Why do you think you knotted him?’ Seth said. ‘When we hadn’t. For months.’
Louis’s stomach was trying to turn itself inside out. He swallowed a few times, convulsive, unable to stop it. Seth had to be able to feel it where he rested against Louis’s skin.
Seth flicked the surface of the water with his fingertips, sending droplets of milky water trickling down his calf muscles and the tiled wall. ‘It isn’t just about physical attraction,’ he said, into the echoing silence. ‘Everyone knows it’s more psychological than physical, even you’ve told me that. And you weren’t in love with him, you’d just met.’
‘No, of course not,’ Louis bit out, taking a breath through his nose. Seth’s scent was bitter-sour, acrid with resentment. ‘I don’t know shit about that guy. And you’re still the most beautiful man I’ve ever known, even if that made any kind of difference. It wasn’t anything like that.’ He stopped again, unsteady.
They’d half talked about this at their first appointment, but Seth had been too upset, and Louis had stopped talking because he didn’t know the answer and that scared the ever-loving shit out of him. The therapist had changed the topic, said they shouldn’t focus on that because it was an autonomic response, not something with a conscious cause. Still. They’d both known it was a cop out.
‘I think... I just... felt... wanted,’ Louis said, very soft.
Seth twisted in his arms, tilting his head to look back at him, a frown pinching at his mouth and turning his eyes hard. ‘What does that mean?’
Louis swallowed thickly, didn’t look away. ‘I didn’t feel like you found me attractive anymore.’
‘That’s ridiculous.’
‘You hadn’t been actually aroused when we were having sex in, fuck. I don’t know how long. You stopped getting hard. You stopped getting wet.’
‘I was depressed.’
‘Yeah, I know that. We know that now. But you weren’t talking to me about it. I’m just-’ Louis broke off, breathing steadily, as Seth shifted with a slosh and turned his head away, pinched-mouth-hard-eyes. ‘I’m just trying to answer the question. I didn’t knot with him because he was special. I popped for him because he made me feel... special. Or something.’
Seth breathed out. His fingernails tapped an offbeat rhythm on the side of the bath, tink, tink, tink. He swirled his other hand through the water, making it lap against the sides of Louis’s knees, tickling his leg hair.
‘I want you,’ Seth said. Curt. Painful.
‘I want you, too.’
The water slp-slapped against the end of the tub as Seth moved his feet again, dipped them back under the surface. He scooped up a palmful of milky water and dribbled it over his freckly knees.
Louis watched the runnels of it trickling down Seth’s skin, dragging the downy red-gold hairs the wrong direction, turning them dark and making them stick together.
‘I thought.’ Louis stopped and cleared his throat again. ‘When we were at the clinic. For your appointment. I’d always... thought that... I wanted to have a kid with you, because I knew it was something you wanted. I wanted to make you happy.’
Seth’s shoulders tensed against Louis’s chest, and Louis lifted a dripping hand out of the water, cupped Seth’s arm, stroked it softly.
‘But hearing that we might not be able to, ever- It really fucking hurt.’ Louis’s voice cracked a bit, and he took a shuddering breath through his nose. ‘For me. Not just for you. I knew it’d fucking kill you, but- I didn’t know how fucking much I wanted it, too, until she said we might not get to have that.’
Seth breathed out, slow and even, and reached for Louis’s hand, twining their fingers together and resting the weave against the milk-white skin of his thigh.
‘Do you still have Taylor’s number in your phone?’
Louis looked up from where he was crouched on the doormat, unlacing his boots. ‘What?’
Seth was in his comfy pre-bedtime clothes, barefoot on the hardwood floor, and the air smelled like onions and anxiety.
‘He hasn’t answered my messages in three days. I tried to call him earlier and it went straight to voicemail.’
Louis lowered his head and finished with his boots. ‘I deleted the number,’ he said. ‘After I gave it to you.’
‘I think he might’ve blocked me. Fuck.’ Seth buried his fingers in his hair, spun on his heel, disappeared through the door into the living room.
Louis stood up, toed his boots off onto the rack, and hung his jacket on the hook beside the door.
‘Was there a reason you needed to talk to him?’ he asked, following Seth though into the kitchen. Seth was pulling plates out of the cupboard with a clatter of crockery.
‘No. I don’t know. I was asking how he was doing, that’s all, but he hasn’t responded. Am I being pushy? He said it was okay, before. We’ve talked a lot, it’s not like it’s anything I haven’t said a hundred other times, and he didn’t mind it then. Why would he block me?’
‘Hey.’ Louis caught Seth’s shoulders, steadying him. The plates were at risk of ending up on the floor, the way he was waving his arms around. ‘Maybe he’s just been busy. It’s a long weekend, he probably had something on. Give him some space.’
Seth breathed out sharply through his nose, and nodded. ‘Dinner’s basically ready, the salad’s in the fridge,’ he said abruptly. ‘I’ll finish laying the table.’
‘Okay.’
Louis went to wash his hands.
They sat down to eat. The conversation stayed a little stilted; Seth was distracted and quiet. Louis drank his tea, praised Seth’s cooking, and talked placidly about work so Seth wouldn’t have to answer. It wasn’t a lie. The food was good.
Louis was doing the dishes and Seth was wiping down the countertops when a phone rang. Seth startled, swearing, and dropped his cloth. Louis grabbed it, rinsing it out in the soapy water as Seth fumbled around for wherever he’d left his mobile.
‘Oh, fuck, it’s him,’ Seth blurted, and disappeared through the kitchen door.
Louis wrung out the dishcloth and hung it over the tap, and went back to washing the plates.
It was quiet. He heard the bedroom door close, and then nothing after that. The sink glugged as he let out the greying water and put the baking tray under the tap to start working off the carbonised cheese.
He heard Seth’s footsteps before anything else, as Louis was putting away the last of the dry dishes and putting the clean recycling into the basket to take out in the morning. He looked up as Seth appeared in the doorway.
Seth had his phone clutched to his chest. For some reason, Louis’s gaze was drawn to his feet - Seth’s feet were quite long, mostly hairless except for a persistent few red curls that always grew on the top joint of his big toe, something he hated and always trimmed off because he said it got caught in his socks. Under Louis’s gaze, Seth’s feet seemed too close together; his toes curled like he was making himself small.
‘It’s done,’ Seth said quietly. ‘He did it over the weekend.’
Louis put down the baking dish and reached for him, and Seth darted across the open stretch of floor and folded himself into Louis’s arms. He was solid, warm - muscle and blood and bone under Louis’s hands, all of it trembling as he cried.
Louis rested his head on Seth’s shoulder and breathed.