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BRIAN
It took me a while to realize that something odd was going on. Can't blame me for that, really; the things that happen in this house can usually be categorized as far more than odd. This wasn't too high on the scale of odd, though--at first it was sort of normal, even though the object in question was a large purple dildo. In this house finding such a thing on the floor of the upstairs hallway or standing impudently beside an exquisite Tiffany lamp happened from time to time, used and then forgotten in the heat of the moment. These occurrences always brought on a smile accompanied by feverishly lustful thoughts, but it didn't seem all that strange at first.
It was when I began to notice that it was that particular dildo, the big purple one, that I'd come across in increasingly strange places--almost as though it was being hidden. I'd take it, run it through the dishwasher with any others that had been in use (though there were none of the hygienic problems that would occur had humans been using the same items) and then put it back in its place in the infamous Organizer that resided on one end of the closet in their bedroom.
When I found it in the freezer, I almost wrote it off as another phase in their ongoing games, but the more I thought about it, the more curious I became. A mere chilling in the freezer would hardly be a blip on the radar of their considerably outré sexual adventures--the purple dildo itself was something I'd thought was long retired as being pretty tame in spite of its impressive measurements, at least as far as such joys went when applied to them. I ran it through the dishwasher and returned it to its place and forgot about it until it showed up in another improbable place.
There’s a raised koi pond in one corner of the courtyard, artfully planted so that it looks as natural as such a thing can. One afternoon I went out to feed the fish, something I enjoy. They’re beautiful creatures with heavy, muscular bodies and personalities as distinct as their individual markings. I watched their exuberant pushing and jostling as they strove against one another for the food and that’s when I caught a glimpse of purple at the edge, something beneath the drift of white impatiens. Curious, I moved the plants aside and found the purple dildo nestled neatly into the mulch. Overcome with a fit of laughter, I reached and took it from beneath the flowers, careful not to shake any of the mulch into the pond. It was a joke, I decided. Had to be.
I asked about it the next time they were available; the lights were on in the front room and that was often a signal that they were not otherwise engaged. They were languorous, sprawled on the deep sofa, an old film flickering on the television, the sound off.
“Hello, Brian.” Lestat said. It was clear they'd both fed quite heavily.
“I can come back.” I said, feeling suddenly foolish.
“Not at all.” Louis said. He'd seen what I had in my hand and inclined his head. “Have you come to entertain us?”
“What? I…well...no," Louis always knows just what to say to throw me off. "I just thought maybe you'd let me in on the joke now.”
“Joke?” Louis raised an eyebrow.
“Come in and sit down.” Lestat said. He was looking at the dildo in an odd way. “And put that down, will you?”
I laid it on the table near the door and sat down at the far end of the couch.
“Yeah. I mean it must be a joke, right? I keep finding that thing all over the place. I found it by the koi pond this afternoon. So, what's the deal?” I had a tentative smile on my face.
“By the pond? Really.” Louis said. There was a smile in his voice, though his face was bland.
“It's not a joke.” Lestat said. “It's haunted.”
I blinked, certain that I'd missed something. “What's haunted?”
“That.” he pointed at the dildo.
“The dildo is haunted.” I said.
“Just so.” Lestat said, sitting up and leaning forward in a conspiratorial manner.
“A haunted dildo?” I said dubiously.
I looked at Louis, still reclining behind Lestat and this time the smile was unmistakable. He shrugged and tapped his temple twice before Lestat turned to glare at him. “I hate you,” he said.
“I know you do,” Louis responded, still smiling. He stretched, arching his back, cat-like.
“A haunted dildo?” I said again. “Come on. How can a dildo be haunted? “
“Use it and see,” Lestat said darkly.
“But who would haunt a dildo? It's not like you got it used or something.”
“I don't know, Brian. Perhaps it was something to do with the manufacturing process.”
I let that pass. “I thought you didn't see spirits—ghosts or whatever.”
“I don't make the rules, do I?” he said. His voice held an edge of irritation “I don't usually see them, no.”
“Memnoch?” Louis murmured. His pose was still languid but his eyes were sharp
Lestat turned to glare at him. “Not that again! Put the pins away, Louis, I'm not in the mood.” He turned back to me, exhaling strongly through his nose. “Look, Brian...I didn't technically see anything.”
“Okay. How do you figure it's haunted then?”
“It makes him uncomfortable.” Louis said helpfully.
Lestat nodded, though he was still eyeing Louis suspiciously.
“Looks like it would make anyone uncomfortable,” I remarked, glancing at it—it was prodigious and I know it would have made me more than a little uncomfortable.
“I think you know that isn't what I mean, Brian.”
“Agreed.” Louis said at once. He made a fist and regarded it meaningfully for a moment. The look they exchanged made my head reel.
It took me a moment to recover but I managed it. “So, why not just throw it out, then? What's with hiding it all over the house?”
“I did. Several times, in fact,” he said tightly. “It came back.” His glance dared me to laugh. I didn't.
“It came back?”
“Right. It seemed like it wanted to be in the house, so I left it alone. Then you started putting it back in the closet.”
“I wouldn't have if you'd just told me...”
Lestat interrupted. “I knew it would be like this. Questions. Louis and his pins and you and your incredulous looks,” he muttered.
“Did it always make you uncomfortable? I mean when you first got it?”
He frowned. “I don't know. Maybe. I don't remember.”
“Discomfort isn't the same as uncomfortable” Louis stated. Sometimes his remarks were baffling but this time he made perfect sense.
“Does it make you uncomfortable?” I asked Louis.
“No, except for in that it worries Lestat.”
“It doesn't worry me!” Lestat snapped. “I just don't like it. Something's wrong with it. And it would be nice Louis if you would stop being so condescending. You haven't a sensitive bone in your body when it comes to...to this sort of thing.”
“As you say.” Louis conceded.
“What if we burn it or something?” I was bemused by Lestat's uncharacteristic preoccupation with something that seemed innocuous if inexplicable.
“I think not.” said Louis. “If there is a ghost or some other entity trapped in that, it might possibly be released.” There was no telling if he was serious—his face was smooth and unreadable. “It might then become more than...uncomfortable.”
Lestat regarded him with high suspicion but then agreed, albeit with a degree of sarcasm.
“Yes. God knows we wouldn't wish whatever it is to take it into whatever passes for its head to possess you, Louis”
“Indeed not.” Louis looked at me for a long moment. I couldn't swear to it, but I think there was a gleam in his eye. “Perhaps an exorcism?” he said.
This time I couldn't help myself—I laughed. “Oh, right. Just go up to a priest and ask him to please exorcise your dildo? Come on!”
That made Lestat grin. “Too much?” he said.
“Talk about the wrath of God.” I was still chuckling. “Look. When you said it came back – are you sure it wasn't just me putting it away?”
Lestat fetched a deep sigh. “No. I put it in the trash weeks ago. I forgot about it until I found it in the shower one night. It gave me a start to see it there, so I moved it. That's when you started putting it back when you came across it.”
“How'd you know it was me?” I asked
“I just know.” he said, gazing at me sharply. “You've handled it---didn't you notice anything?”
“I would have said something by now if I had. I just wondered why I kept finding it in so many different places. Didn't seem like it was one of the---aah---things you'd been using recently.”
“Do you keep track?” Louis asked, turning his unsettling gaze my way.
“If I didn't pick up after you, this room would be knee deep in sex toys and bloody, shredded clothes.” I said, attempting an unperturbed air.
“I don't know how I ever managed, before you, Brian.” Lestat said sarcastically.
“You had someone else pick up after you or you moved and left everything behind. You told me that yourself.”
“He's got you there.” Louis said.
“What if it has a curse on it?” I said because I could see Lestat was getting irritated. “Maybe you've been crossed.” I glanced at Louis. He looked thoughtful but didn't comment.
“Well?” Lestat said to him. “You know all about that sort of thing. Could it be that?”
“Anything is possible my love, though I would expect it would be someone with quite a vendetta and a good smattering of power to have invested the time to have such a thing...follow you merely to make you uncomfortable.”
“Why don't we mail it to your buddies in the Talamasca? Maybe they can contain it. Stuff like this is right up their alley.” I was half-joking.
Two heads turned to look at me with matching wondering expressions and then they looked at one another.
“It has a certain elegance to it, no?” Louis said.
Lestat nodded. “Oh, yes. A brilliant plan, really.” He was grinning broadly.
“One can hope it will make them...uncomfortable.” Louis said.
“I'll ship it off tomorrow. You have the address somewhere, right?” I said.
“Somewhere.” Lestat said. Delight warred with the relief I heard in his voice and I wondered once again how such a thing might have caused him any kind of worry at all.
“Doesn't matter.” said Louis from behind me. “I am grateful that you have eased his mind, You must allow us to show our appreciation.”
I couldn't speak, not sandwiched between them as I suddenly was. It's very nice to be appreciated.
FIN