Chapter 1: Denial I
Chapter Text
My hands, they were strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet
But there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say
They were never true, never true
And the games you'd play
You would always win, always win
~ Set Fire to the Rain - Adele
It is another one of those nights Remus is looking forward to less than anything. Friday night dinner with his best friend Lily, her amazing husband James, and his best friend, the possible cause of Remus's early death, Sirius Black. Remus honestly has no clue why Lily and James still try. When it is just the three of them it's always so nice. No matter if they have a picnic in the park or a movie marathon or go to the cinema or for a late brunch. It's always fun and easy and just a nice time. So why can't Lily and James just leave it be?
He already has to see him at least five times a year for special occasions: Lily's birthday, James's birthday, Harry's birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Plus, every other weekend during summer when Lily and James throw one of their legendary garden parties. So really, it is at least 15 times a year. And that doesn't count the very big occasions like the wedding or Harry's birth. Remus still has to wince when thinking about almost ruining his best friend’s wedding.
And surely that should have been a warning for the couple to never bring Remus and Sirius into the same room more often than necessary. But still, they won't stop doing those awkward Friday night dinners that would feel like a weird double date if it wasn't for Sirius's heterosexuality or their shared hatred for each other.
Hatred, yes. That's what it is. Complete and honest and mutual hatred. At least that's something they can agree on. So obviously, those dinners can't be something Lily and James enjoy either when all Remus and Sirius do is bicker. Over almost every goddamn topic. Both of them jumping out of their skin literally the second the other man opens his mouth.
Remus has no idea how a funny, charming and selfless person like James can have this asshole of a best friend. Sirius is everything Remus detests. Rich without ever lifting his own finger, pretentious and over the-top flirty towards every human being in reach (with a shocking amount of success), arrogant and cold-hearted towards Remus and possibly everyone else beneath his dignity.
And lastly, to Remus’s utter agony, he's insanely hot as the fucking sun itself. All tight leather jacket, shiny curls, pale skin and sparkling eyes. He even rides a fucking motorcycle, that absolute tosser. No wonder women and men start drooling left, right and centre the minute he enters a room. And the worst of all is that he bloody knows it. He knows what effect he has on people, knows how they all look at him. Everyone except Remus, hah!
So, Sirius is a pretentious fucking douchebag. Cold-hearted and proud with one tiny exception. And this exception is what Remus probably hates most about him. The only times something tender and nice shines through Sirius's facade of ridiculous sexiness and pretentious coolness is when he is around Harry. Remus rolls his eyes every time to pretend that there isn't a tiny part inside of him melting whenever he watches the two of them. With Harry, Sirius is all funny faces, easy giggles and soft cuddles. And every woman and man around starts getting baby fever. Remus excluded!
But still, during those moments Remus almost understands James's choice to make Sirius Harry's godfather. Not that Remus couldn't have handled the job on his own. Though he gets that it is fitting somehow: the childhood best friend of the mother and the college best friend of the father joined to become godfathers of their firstborn. Remus was, and is still, honoured beyond measure and he absolutely adores Harry.
The only problem is that the position binds him to Sirius forever. So maybe that is why Lily and James still organise those bloody Friday dinners. Desperate for their best friends to at least stop ripping their heads off every time they see each other.
It's Lily's and Remus's favourite restaurant. The one they already went to occasionally when they were still in school. Nothing fancy but cozy with friendly staff and good food.
Remus is the first one to arrive, because he went on a walk through town after he closed the shop for the day. It’s one of those nice sunny days in late summer. When you can already feel the first hints of autumn, but you won’t need a jacket yet. He heads for their typical table at the window and pulls out his current book. When the waiter comes, he orders a gin and tonic because his flat is in walking distance and if he has a choice, he just can’t endure Sirius Black while being sober.
Ten minutes later he hears the sound of an approaching motorcycle, and he does not look up. The front door opens, and Remus swears the atmosphere of the room shifts. Probably because multiple people started craning their heads in the direction of the person who just entered. A beat later said person enters Remus’s field of view. He still tries not to look up but when a huff disturbs his reading flow, he can’t resist the temptation any longer. Sirius chose the chair diagonally opposite him. Typical. It’s just like next to him or directly opposite him would be too intimate. Later, James will make fun of them.
"You're early," Remus says as some kind of greeting. Closing his book and ignoring the amused look Sirius gives the cover. It’s ‘My Policeman’, yes. Just fuck off! But the way Sirius recognises it by its cover tells Remus enough. Because secretly Sirius likes to read almost as much as Remus does. But apparently that’s not a cool enough hobby for a bike-riding, leatherjacket-wearing badboy. He knows as much because over the years he has noticed that Sirius always knows what kind of book Remus is currently reading and also likes to judge him out of habit, no matter what it is.
"I want to get this over with," Sirius says in return, shrugging while putting his hair up in that ridiculous bun, he holds up with that even more ridiculous pin. It’s driving Remus insane. A young waiter approaches (far quicker than earlier when Remus arrived) and brings Sirius a pint a mere minute later. It’s a mystery how someone half a head smaller than Remus can be this demanding without even opening his mouth.
"Don't worry, I won't order dessert," Remus huffs while inwardly begging for Lily and James to arrive soon. He really doesn’t need to be alone with him longer than necessary.
"Yeah, but James might," Sirius rolls his eyes in fondness.
Remus has to suppress a smile at the thought of James distinctive sweet tooth. "You could act like you're having a stomach-ache. I'd cover you," he shrugs.
"Cheers," Sirius huffs back and drowns half his beer.
Twenty minutes later they’re still sitting at the table waiting for Lily and James to arrive. They’re late and Remus hates this. He could be in his small but cozy flat right now. Reading without being in public. Drinking without a second thought. Instead, he’s trapped at a table in a restaurant with Sirius fucking Black. Their silence is surprisingly not cringe. Well, Remus pulled his book back out fifteen minutes ago. And Sirius started a conversation with the two women sitting at the table next to them. They seem to be delighted, and Remus really enjoys his book. But when the women receive their food, Sirius’s attention shifts back towards him.
"Where the hell are they?" he asks, emptying the rest of his beer.
Remus frowns, looks out of the window across the street and closes his book absently. "You don't think something might have happened?"
"Nah, they're probably just late. Maybe their babysitter turned them down last minute," Sirius thinks out loud.
"Or they’re not coming because they want us to spend the whole evening on our own," Remus grins across the table and Sirius mirrors his expression with an eyeroll.
"Hah, well joke’s on them, because that clearly won't happen."
Remus nods. "Of course not. It's not like I'm gonna spend a minute longer with you than I'd really have to."
Sirius huffs another laugh. "Same. And it's not like I don’t have something better to do."
Remus can’t stop the little annoyed groan escaping him. "Yeah, I can imagine. Exactly how many dates did you turn down tonight in order to not disappoint our friends?"
Sirius looks over at him and his grin turns smug. "There are three women I could have had dates with indeed," he nods.
"Jesus," Remus breathes more to himself.
Sirius’s expression becomes mockingly. "And your alternative? All the books you couldn't read due to dinner with me?"
"Fuck you," Remus murmurs half-heartedly.
"No thanks," Sirius grins back, raising one pierced eyebrow. "Well, I'm gonna go and decide which of those women I'm texting back instead of sitting here with you." He pushes back his chair and puts his leatherjacket back on quickly. "Tell James and Lily I'm terribly sorry but I won't waste my Friday night in a restaurant with a librarian."
"Again, fuck you. And I'm not gonna wait here either. Believe it or not I have other stuff to do as well. Even if those aren't poor women with terrible taste," Remus returns while also pushing his chair back and standing up. After all, there isn’t much more satisfying than Sirius Black having to crane his neck up at him.
"Mhm, terrible taste, isn't it?" Sirius replies with that damn eyebrow raised again.
"Indeed," Remus smiles back tight-lipped and rounds the table.
"See ya, Lupin," Sirius greets. He winks at the women on the next table and practically struts out the door with long strides.
"Hopefully not too soon," Remus murmurs to himself before leaving the restaurant as well.
~~~~~~~~~~
He receives the phone call half an hour later. He barely made it into his flat when his phone rings. There is a woman on the other end saying she's sorry, saying there has been an accident. When she uses the words ‘dead’ and ‘immediately’, Remus’s mind shuts down. White noises. He drives to the hospital on autopilot and all he hears is white noise. He doesn't think, he doesn't blink, he doesn't cry. He's surprised he even manages to still breathe properly.
When he arrives in the emergency room there are various people. Doctors, the police, pastoral care. They’re talking about an accident. A car leaving the road, crashing, crashing, crashing. Remus feels sick. There is white noise. He bends over. His breathing speeds up. Someone leads him towards a chair. Another person pushes a cup of water into his hand. Remus's head is turning. He might throw up. There is a hand on his shoulder. Murmuring around him. Faint noises, white noises. His ears are ringing. Beeping of instruments Remus doesn't understand. Clattering of rollaway beds with people inside them Remus doesn't know.
He wants to ask when he will be allowed to see Lily. Where is James? Are they still in surgery? Is it going according to plan? Why is no-one giving him any information about their wellbeing? He knows the answer to all of those questions, but he does not want to hear them yet. It's like suddenly his mind is made of two parts. One that's desperately asking questions, demanding answers. And the other knows everything but refuses to deliver.
After what feels like an hour but might only be one minute Remus manages to question something out loud. He directs it at no-one specifically but after a beat a young female police officer shifts into his vision.
"They..." his voice sounds like he hasn't used it for a decade. "They have a child. Was he...," he gulps audibly and his voice quivers. "Was he with them? In the car?"
"No, the son was in the custody of two young boys, neighbours. He was brought into a children's home and spends the night with a foster family."
Remus is about to protest when he hears a motorbike engine turning off outside the building. He's on his feet in a heartbeat and pushes through the glass door in mere seconds. The first thing he notices is that Sirius must have been so quick, he forgot to put on a helmet. The second is that he’s never seen the other man looking so haunted.
Sirius’s gaze meets his immediately and Remus can see it in his eyes, that until now, there was still some hope that all of this might be some cruel joke. But with Remus standing in the middle of the emergency room across from him it's all shattered to pieces in seconds. His eyes well up and his head sinks down, and Remus is in front of him just in time before his legs give way. And when he feels Sirius's whole body trembling against his own, that's when his mind finally allows him to let go as well. He tries to hold both of them upright as tears start streaming down his face.
"Harry?" Sirius rasps into the fabric of his shirt.
"He's alright. He's alright. We're gonna get him now," Remus gasps back and it’s a promise he doesn’t even know he can keep.
Chapter 2: Denial II
Notes:
Just a small one this time. The next one will be longer!
Chapter Text
Just one more tear to cry
One teardrop from my eye
You better save it for
The middle of the night
When things aren't black and white
This song has started now
And you're just finding out
Now isn't that a laugh?
A major sacrifice
But clueless at the time
~ End of Beginning - Djo
When they get out of the hospital, Remus takes control. He tries to find it in himself to be strong enough for both of them, and Sirius doesn't protest. He doesn't protest when Remus leads them out of the building and past his motorbike. He doesn't protest when Remus holds the passenger door of his car open for him. In fact, he doesn't say another word at all. Not on the car ride. Not when Remus parks in front of the house. Remus has the spare key with him all the time, and Sirius doesn't say a word when Remus unlocks the door and steps inside.
The house is dark and Remus notices that he's never seen the place like this. Lily always lights up candles. Most of the time the fireplace is burning, not just in winter, and there are fairy lights hanging from the window front that leads to the garden. Remus reaches for a light switch to his right and the entrance is filled with a warm glow.
Sirius is still hovering next to him as if waiting to be allowed inside. Sirius never waits to be allowed inside. This is basically his second home. Remus can count the times he came over with Sirius not already there on one hand. He always found it odd, the way the other man just strolled in through the door directly to the fridge to get a drink. Or into the general direction of the kitchen, because most of the times, James would have cooked or baked something. And then slump down on the couch, or a lounge chair outside, or a blanket on the floor next to Harry.
Remus always envied his easiness. Now he wishes Sirius would just do something instead of waiting for Remus to lead the way. But if Remus's guidance is what Sirius needs right now, he's not gonna protest. He takes one look to the side and is shocked by how young the other man looks. His wet eyes and dishevelled hair, his slumped shoulders and hollow breaths make him seem at least five years younger. The lump in Remus’s throat starts growing again. But he rips his gaze away quickly and crosses the invisible border between the entrance and the open living room.
He walks over to the kitchen island and pours Sirius and himself a glass of tap water. Both of their hands are shaking when he puts it into Sirius's open palm. He drinks the whole glass in one go and then reaches for his phone in his back pocket. He dials the number of the youth welfare office he got from the police and waits. It rings one, two, three times, and he can see Sirius tensing behind him. Finally, a young man picks up the phone.
Remus clears his throat. "Hello." He clears his throat again. "Good evening. This is Remus Lupin. I'm the godfather of Harry Potter," he rasps out, trying desperately to keep his voice stable.
Five minutes later, he is still on the phone and Sirius has started pacing the space between the kitchen island and the edge of the couch while Remus slowly loses his composure.
"No, listen. I don't understand why we can't get him tonight. We're his godfathers, for Christ's sake. His parents chose us for a reason. And we're here and we can take him.” His voice is surprisingly confident. He doesn’t know how he manages to be this forward. It’s like the anger temporarily washes away the pain. Shouting into his phone is a pretty effective way of suppressing his actual feelings. “I don't understand why he needs to be with some strangers tonight," he adds, a tiny bit more polite and maybe with a hint of desperation in his voice. But still. The man on the other end of the phone keeps talking about regulations and paperwork and office hours, and after two more minutes Remus slowly accepts that there is nothing else he can do. "Yes. Yes, I can be reached under this number," he breathes into the phone, before hanging up.
Sirius’s head whips around unnaturally fast and he looks at Remus with huge, slightly disappointed eyes.
Remus sighs and pockets his phone again. "Apparently this is normal procedure. He stays with a foster family tonight and tomorrow morning we can pick him up at... at the orphanage," he forces out, the words hurtful on their way out of his mouth.
Sirius’s eyes well up immediately and he turns away from Remus.
He gulps and tries to rip his gaze away from Sirius’s broken posture. "I suggest we stay here tonight. In case they call on the landline, and we can drive over first thing tomorrow morning."
Sirius just nods and sinks down on the couch a moment later.
"You can take the spare room if you like. I can sleep on the couch," Remus suggests, his hollow voice still too loud for the silence of the house.
"Don't be ridiculous. You're at least one foot too tall to sleep on the couch comfortably," Sirius replies quietly, directed to the dark fireplace in front of him.
"I don't think I can sleep at all, to be honest," Remus murmurs in return.
"Yeah, me neither."
Remus thinks about just going upstairs. Hiding in the spare room, trying to forget this day ever happened. But Sirius looks like he is trying to shrink into the cushions of the couch, and Remus takes pity. He walks over to the glass cabinet where James keeps the good stuff and grabs a bottle blindly. He sits down on the other edge of the couch and flips the cap open.
They drink straight from the bottle, not bothering with glasses. After three passings, Sirius starts crying again, and again Remus can't hold it back himself once he sees the shoulders of the other man shaking. After two more passings, Remus accepts sleeping half-seated on the couch. And when Sirius leans back after placing the now half-empty bottle on the desk in front of them, he shifts and lets his head rest in Remus's lap. He doesn't protest. He watches as Sirius’s small sobs, slowly develop into even breaths. He waits until he's sure that Sirius is asleep before he shifts down slightly and lets his head fall back against the backrest of the couch.
Chapter 3: Denial III
Chapter Text
Yes, I understand
That every life must end
As we sit alone
I know some day we must go
Stay with me
You’re all I see
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t, I’m a fool, you see
No one knows this more than me
~ Just Breathe – Pearl Jam
When Remus wakes up for the first time, it’s still dark outside. And Sirius Black’s head is still resting in his lap. He has a pounding headache, either from too much whiskey or too much crying. It takes a moment for him to realise why he was crying so much in the first place and when it hits him again, it all comes crashing down. He feels numb. Numb and greasy. The whiskey left a sharp taste on his tongue and his neck hurts from falling asleep in this unnatural position.
He manages to lift Sirius’s head cautiously and places it back down on the couch. Then he heads upstairs and takes a shower. Standing under the hot stream the white noise comes back and there is no use in washing away the old tears as there are new ones mixing into the water that runs down his face. The events of the evening hit him with full force, and he has to bend over due to the pain that rushes through his chest. His forehead pressed against the cold tiles, he spends way too long in the shower.
When his fingers are all shrivelled and his skin prickles from the too-hot water, he turns off the stream and puts his old clothes back on. He finds an unused toothbrush and some painkillers and is then scared off by his own reflection in the mirror. There are deep dark circles under his eyes, and the sadness is practically printed on his face. When he leaves the bathroom, his gaze lands on the half-closed bedroom door. He heads over quickly and closes it with finality, not daring to take a look inside. Instead, he walks over towards the spare room and collapses on the bed.
When he wakes up for the second time, he hears water running in the room next door. For a second he thinks that he might have forgotten to turn off the shower. Then he remembers that he’s not in his flat, but at Lily’s and James’s house. And then he remembers that it’s not, can’t be one of them showering, but Sirius, who came here with him last night.
It’s still barely dawn outside, but Remus knows that he won’t be able to sleep again. He leaves the room and walks downstairs and when he arrives in the kitchen, he notices that the dishwasher is still loaded. So that’s what he does first: unload the dishwasher. Sirius takes ages in the bathroom and Remus can’t blame him as it was he himself who stood under the stream last night for what felt like hours as well. At eight o’clock sharp his mobile phone rings. Sirius comes down half an hour later.
His hair is still damp and the dark shadows under his eyes match Remus’s. “Hey,” he greets softly, the dry walls of his throat objecting around every word.
“Hey,” Sirius rasps back. “Did someone call? The children’s home?” he asks and children’s home, not orphanage. Fuck, Remus wants to go back to bed.
“No, just their lawyer,” he answers instead. “She’s coming over shortly to talk to us and then we will be allowed to get Harry,” he clarifies.
Sirius frowns. “I thought that’s what we’re doing first thing in the morning.” His frown deepens, and he looks at Remus almost accusingly. “I don’t want to talk to their fucking lawyer now.”
Remus sighs, trying to keep his patience. “She said it’s something important, and she said that once we give her some signatures, we can probably keep Harry for longer and not just see him,” he explains quietly.
“I thought that’s what’s gonna happen anyway,” Sirius snaps back.
Remus closes his eyes and places both hands on the kitchen counter. “Sirius, please,” he sighs again. “I don’t know how this stuff works either. The guy on the phone last night was just the night shift. It makes sense that we can’t just walk in there and take Harry with us, doesn’t it?”
Sirius takes a step closer and glares at Remus from the other side of the kitchen island. “We’re his godfathers. That’s what we’re for. That’s what Lily and James chose us for.”
Remus feels his patience slowly crumbling. “It’s symbolic. We’re not his legal guardians. We’re not related. Lily still has a sister after all. Family comes first.”
Sirius’s clenched fist comes down on the surface of the counter. “I will not let Harry stay with those people!” he forces out through gritted teeth.
Remus’s voice loses its softness. “Of course not, that’s the last thing I want either. That’s why the lawyer comes over now, okay?” he asks, looking into Sirius’s eyes as if that’s how he can talk some sense into him. “I’m on your side. I’m trying to do what’s best for Harry as well,” he adds and after a tense moment Sirius finally nods. Then he wordlessly makes both of them a cup of coffee as some kind of peace offering, Remus supposes.
Half an hour later, they’re sitting at the table with the lawyer. Remus is somehow surprised at her appearance. He initially pictured someone older, but the woman sitting across from him seems to be around his and Sirius's own age. But after all it makes sense that Lily and James picked someone like her to look after their legacy.
She introduces herself as Mary, no surname and Remus decides he likes her right away. She's wearing a plain black shirt although Remus gets the feeling that it's due to the sad occasion and that under normal circumstances, she would be more of a flower patterns and frilly kind of woman. She's polite and considerate, but comes straight to the point nonetheless and Remus likes that even more.
"When we talked about their testament, I asked Lily and James who they’d want Harry to stay with in case both of them pass away," she pauses and looks at them for a moment. "And they named you. Both of you," she adds. "And it kinda makes sense since you’re his godfathers. I know most people see it as something symbolic when their friends ask them such a thing, but as I understand it, Lily and James took it very seriously."
"We do as well,” Sirius cuts in immediately, shifting slightly in his chair. “Take it seriously. Completely, one hundred percent. It's just...," he loses himself a little and Remus jumps in.
"A lot of responsibility," he finishes slowly.
Mary nods and looks at them with the considerate expression again. "Let me be honest with you, I tried to talk them out of it, but they insisted," she explains, the hint of a sad smile tugging at her lip. "They trusted you with it. Both of their parents already passed away and apart from a sister and her husband there is no-one left, and if I understood it correctly, they’re not an option."
"No, they’re not," Sirius confirms without missing a beat.
Mary just nods again and her gaze shifts between the two of them before she leans onto the table slightly, intertwining her fingers. "Listen, I know that's probably not the way the two of you planned on starting a family, but-"
This time it’s Remus’s turn to interrupt immediately. "Oh, we're not a couple," he explains and it’s by far not the first time he has to clarify.
"Oh," Mary deadpans. "Oh, I'm sorry. I just assumed... well, Lily and James didn't say... that," she clears her throat again and leans back in her chair. "Well, that's unusual."
Sirius shifts in his chair again. "What about... could one of us take Harry? I mean on his own? And raise him. On his own?" he asks slowly. Remus’s head rips around so fast he can hear the bones in his neck cracking. Sirius doesn’t meet his eyes but looks at Mary expectantly.
She frowns and takes a quick side-look towards Remus. "I'm sorry,” she begins slowly. “But Lily and James were rather clear on the fact that they'd like the two of you to be Harry's legal guardians. Together." She pauses and her gaze at Sirius becomes stern. "And apart from that, raising a child, as you must know, isn't something you easily do on your own. Lily, James and Harry were a family. The last thing I want to do is come back here in a few months to get Harry and take him to a foster family because one of you underestimated the responsibility."
Sirius shrinks into his chair. "No, that's not what we want either," he murmurs softly.
"Exactly," Mary nods once and then shuffles through the papers lying in front of her on the table. "So, let me make a suggestion. You sign the necessary paperwork to get Harry today. And I will schedule a court date as soon as possible so the two of you can officially become Harry's legal guardians. There will be appointments with a social worker regularly and after let's say a year, and if everything goes according to plan, we can talk about adoption." She looks up at them again and neither Remus nor Sirius say something in return.
"Sounds good?" Mary asks after a moment of silence.
"Sounds like a plan," Remus finally forces out. Sirius just nods.
"Great,” Mary nods again and then places two identical forms in front of them together with a pen. They both sign without hesitation. “I further suggest that the two of you move in here, so Harry is not confronted with a new environment on top of things," she keeps going. "Everything, the house, the garden, the car technically belongs to Harry now. But since he's only one year old, I can make arrangements that everything is yours to use until Harry is old enough to decide on his own," Mary adds and reaches for the signed forms again. And that’s it. Barely ten in the morning and suddenly Remus technically has a child to care for.
Mary leaves without further small talk and Remus and Sirius are on their way to the orphanage. They don’t talk. Remus takes control again. He drives and Sirius doesn’t protest. At the office they have to sign some more papers. After ten minutes Sirius’s gaze snaps up towards the door behind the counter, where a young man just emerged, holding Harry in his arms.
“There he is,” Sirius speaks up and he’s on his feet in an instant. With three long strides, he’s behind the counter, Remus right on his heels. The young man cautiously places Harry in Sirius’s waiting arms, and as if on cue, Harry begins to cry. Though Remus gets the feeling that those are tears of relief rather than sorrow, and he has to concentrate really hard to not start crying with him.
Sirius is not as controlled. He presses Harry’s damp face against his shoulder and buries his own nose in Harry’s mess of hair that always looks exactly like James’s. Remus takes a step closer and slowly runs his hand over the top of Harry’s head. He meets Sirius’s wet eyes through the strands of Harry’s dishevelled hair, and the other man looks up at him expectantly. Remus forces his lips into a sad smile and slowly lets his hand run down to Harry’s shaking back.
“We’re going home now,” he whispers softly and Sirius nods before following Remus out of the building.
Chapter 4: Denial IV
Notes:
This is the last 'heavy' chapter for now. The next one will be more lighthearted, fluffy and funny, I promise.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Looking out the door I see the rain
Fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations
As their shoes fill up with water
Maybe I'm too young
To keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind
So... you'll never know
Broken down and hungry for your love
With no way to feed it
Where are you tonight?
Child, ya know how much I need it
Too young to hold on
And too old to just break free and run
~ Lover, You Should’ve come over – Jeff Buckley
The funeral takes place five days later and there are a lot of people. Lily and James were adored by many, not just Sirius and Remus, so that's no surprise. After the graveyard, they all go over to the house and it’s a little weird, because technically that’s Remus’s house now, so he probably has to play host. Sirius takes care of the college people while Remus talks to Lily’s and his high school friends. There are neighbours as well. A lovely couple with dozens of children and a smarmy looking guy Remus faintly recognises from a garden party. And of course, Lily's lovely last relatives. Her horse-looking sister and her asshole of a husband. And they have got themselves a kid as well, who has been crying ever since they arrived.
Remus plans to have as little contact with them as possible, but it seems like Vernon Dursley has other plans. "Mr. Lupin, right?" he asks, stepping up next to Remus and pronouncing his last name like it’s a bad disease.
"Mr. Dursley,” Remus nods, trying to sound emotionless. “Sad circumstances to meet again."
The other man just scoffs. “We heard that Harry is in your custody. That Petunia's sister and her husband named you and this Black guy his guardians?"
"That's right," Remus nods, beginning to feel suspicious.
"I just wanted to make it clear that we're gonna sign everything that's necessary, to keep it that way," Vernon Dursley explains, looking at him meaningfully.
Remus just frowns. "I don't think there is anything we need from you to keep Harry. We talked to their lawyer already and we'll go to court next week to make it official."
The other man looks delighted. "Great! That's... that's absolutely splendid," he beams, before suddenly turning solemn. "Oh, and just to make sure, don't expect any... financial support, or whatever. Just because that kid is the offspring of Petunia's sister doesn't mean I'm paying a penny," he adds with another disrespectful scoff.
"And why exactly do you think we would want, or by all means need, your money?" Sirius cuts in coldly, suddenly emerging at Remus’s side. He’s standing close and Remus can practically feel the aggression radiating from his posture.
Vernon Dursley turns towards him as well, and his eyes become small. "Well, that shabby bookstore of his can't possibly pay off that much,” he answers with a side-glance towards Remus. “And what exactly was it that you're doing for a living?"
Sirius crosses his arms in front of his chest and raises an eyebrow. "I'm in the management team of the OUBC,” he returns plainly. “And apart from that, I had a really good relationship with my uncle who was so generous, he left me all his fortune, which really is enough to raise at least ten children," he adds with a humourless smile.
Suddenly, Petunia, who hovered in the background with her son in her arms, joins the conversation. At least the kid has stopped crying by now. "Wouldn't you want to save it to raise your own children?" she asks, eyeing both of them up and down.
"Harry is as good as my own," Sirius grits out.
Her expression becomes, if possible, even more disgusted. "Oh, sure, I see. I mean, after all, the two of you won’t be able to get your own, biological children," she frowns with false pity.
"We're not..." Remus starts.
"Exactly," Sirius cuts in. "But good luck with your drills, Vernon," he adds, turning away from him. "Petunia," he nods, before pulling Remus away with him by the arm. "Always a pleasure to meet you," he murmurs under his breath.
Sirius lets go of his arm and joins his college friends again. Remus distracts himself with loading the dishwasher with cake plates and teacups. After some time, the woman with the pack of children steps up to him behind the kitchen counter. She looks like she’s mere days away from giving birth and has another toddler pressed to her side who seems to be around Harry’s age.
“I’m Molly, Molly Weasley,” she holds out the hand that is not currently occupied. “My husband and I live in the cottage down the street,” she adds when Remus lets go of her hand. “I just wanted to let you know that whatever you need, help or advice or any kind of support, you can always come over and ask for it,” she smiles sadly, and a lump grows in Remus’s throat. “Arthur and I know a thing or two about raising children,” she chuckles slightly to soften the situation. Remus just smiles back slightly, too stunned at her kindness to speak. “And if you and your partner need a day or night off, we can always look after Harry,” she keeps going after a beat and when she adds a little wink, Remus wants to scream.
“Sirius and I aren’t a couple, we’re just…,” he clears his throat. “Harry’s godfathers and joint guardians.”
Molly’s smile turns into a frown. “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t want to assume anything,” she says, looking slightly embarrassed.
Remus tries for a smile. “No problem, Molly. Trust me, you’re not the first one.”
Molly’s features relax again. “Fred and George used to babysit Harry now and then,” her glance shifts over to the young twins in the living room. Remus looks over at the two boys as well, who currently seem to be in some kind of competition about who can place more sticky notes to the back of Vernon Dursley’s shirt unnoticed. He has to suppress a grin, the first in days.
“They would look after him, when Lily and James went out for dinner or something. They… they were with him when…” she gulps visibly and looks back at Remus. “When the accident happened,” she finishes, and this time it’s Remus’s turn to look away quickly. Molly shifts slightly and then reaches up to pat Remus’s shoulder softly. “So, that’s always an option, dear. Don’t hesitate to ask,” she adds and squeezes Remus’s shoulder in comfort.
“Thank you, Molly. That’s very kind,” he murmurs back.
“Of course, dear,” she says. “We’re really sorry for your loss and I think Harry is very lucky to have you and Mr. Black by his side.”
Remus just nods instead of an answer, and both of their gazes shift over towards Sirius who’s currently in conversation with Peter and some other guys from college. Snape, the smarmy neighbour, hovers next to them. Remus can’t hear what they say but at some point, Snape seems to join the conversation. First, Sirius just frowns, then he takes a step closer and suddenly, before Peter can hold him back, his fist collides with Snape’s nose.
Molly beside him gasps loudly and then the entire room falls silent, everyone turning in shock to look at Sirius and Snape, who’s pressing a hand to his bloody nose.
Remus crosses the room with a few long steps, grabs Sirius by the arm and practically drags him out through the back door and into the garden.
"Are you out of your mind?” he asks through gritted teeth, not wanting everyone inside to listen. “We're at their fucking funeral," he adds, letting go of Sirius’s arm. The other man stumbles slightly away from him. Remus follows. "I completely support how you handled that Dursley situation back there. But punching a neighbour straight in the face? Are you mad? We could really need those people in the next few months. For once, at least try to be socially acceptable," Remus keeps going, his voice getting louder with every sentence.
Sirius looks livid as he frowns up at him in anger. "I didn't fucking punch him for shits and giggles. What do you think? That I'm just running around, randomly punching people in the face?"
Remus huffs humourlessly. "I don't know where your aggression problems come from. I don't even know what to say to that," he adds, turning away slightly, not quite believing that they’re even having this kind of conversation.
"Well, how about ‘thank you’?" Sirius asks, staring at Remus almost expectantly.
Remus’s attention is back on him at once. “For what?” he asks, eyebrows raised.
"For saving your dignity, asshole?" Sirius grits out, taking a step closer.
Remus almost has to laugh. "What?"
Sirius hesitates. He breaks their eye contact, looks to the side, takes a deep breath and then his tense shoulders slump down. He looks back at Remus and the anger is washed away from his features. "He called you a faggot, that's what he did," he says after a moment. “Said it’s pathetic that Lily’s son is going to be raised by someone like you. He said some shit about James as well. He’s the guy who constantly tried to make a move at Lily. Remember that garden party? So, no surprise there. But when he started with that homophobic shit, I just lost it,” he shrugs. “Sorry,” he adds after a beat and it’s probably supposed to sound annoying, but Remus is too stunned to notice.
“I can defend myself. I don’t need you to do that for me,” he answers, once he has his emotions under control.
Sirius just shrugs again. “But you weren’t there, and I’m sure he wouldn’t have said it straight to your face. So yes, I needed to do that.” And with that, he turns around, leaving Remus in the garden, alone and confused.
Notes:
Yes, I made Fred and George slightly older than they're supposed to be, because I thought it would be cute for them to be Harry's babysitters.
Chapter 5: Denial V
Chapter Text
I've nothing much to offer
There's nothing much to take
I'm an absolute beginner
But I'm absolutely sane
As long as we're together
The rest can go to hell
I absolutely love you
But we're absolute beginners
With eyes completely open
But nervous all the same
~ Absolute Beginners – David Bowie
After the funeral, things calm down. But instead of the confrontation of casual everyday life, Remus and Sirius get hit by the reality of having a literal child to care for. During the first few days after the accident, Harry was all scared silence, big, hurtful eyes and tears of confusion. There was no problem putting him to bed at night. He was so exhausted that he always fell asleep right away. So, no worries there. The thing that had bothered Remus was the fact that Harry’s diapers stayed worryingly empty. Not that Remus was extremely keen on the prospect of changing diapers, but he was starting to worry about Harry’s health.
But the day after the court date, as if some invisible force told Harry that the big struggle was over now, he started to become livelier. And Remus is thankful. Because with a toddler to care for, he has less time to think about the loss of his best friends and even less capacity to be annoyed by Sirius Black. And everything that comes with living under one roof with him.
They’re both in the nursery one evening, preparing Harry for bed in their usual, unspoken kind of routine, when finally, Harry’s diapers aren’t empty anymore. Sirius notices first. Harry is in his arms, already in his nighttime rompers, looking comfy.
Sirius frowns and then pulls a face. "Oh my God, what is that smell?" he asks breathlessly.
Remus can’t help the relieved chuckle escaping his mouth. "Well, I have a good guess, or maybe it wasn't the toddler in the room who just shat his pants?"
"Fuck off, Lupin. Your job!" Sirius returns, holding Harry at arm’s length in Remus’s general direction.
The grin washes off Remus’s face. "What? Absolutely not!"
Sirius just nods and Harry starts to look a little unsatisfied, hanging in the air like that. "Yes, obviously it is."
Remus frowns. "Why? ‘Cause I'm gay?"
"I did not say that," Sirius rolls his eyes, but Remus reaches for Harry anyway.
"What then?" he keeps frowning.
"Don't know,” Sirius shrugs. “You just have that motherly kind of appearance," he adds, a vicious grin tugging at the corner of his lips.
They’re still standing in the middle of the room. And one of them should probably start with changing the damn diaper instead of fighting over role distribution. On the other hand, Remus doesn’t like Sirius to have the last word.
"Oh, so it's a mother’s job to change diapers, is it? While the father does what exactly? Drinking beer and shagging women?" he asks, brows raised in provocation.
Sirius just rolls his eyes again, takes a step closer and snatches Harry back into his own arms. "Oh, for Christ's sake, just... give him to me."
And Remus has to admit he feels a rush of satisfaction watching Sirius Black changing diapers for the first time.
"Oh God! It burns my eyes!" he complains at one point, turning his face to the side in disgust and Remus can’t keep the chuckle inside anymore.
"The tissues! Quickly!" Sirius demands. Remus hands him the package and when he pulls out at least ten sheets at once, Remus bursts out laughing. Sirius shrieks. "Don't laugh at me, Lupin!"
A moment later, Remus is ordered out of the room being ‘no help at all’ and when he steps into the kitchen to heat up some dinner, he’s still grinning to himself.
~~~~~~~~~~
Two weeks after the accident Remus reopens the bookstore and the time Sirius took off is over as well. On most weekdays, Remus can take Harry with him into town. The benefit of owning a bookstore is that it’s a quiet place, so Harry can sleep in peace in the backroom and if he’s awake and sitting on the counter or lying on his blanket, the majority of customers are delighted.
Only on busy weekends does Sirius have to jump in. That is, if he doesn’t have his own obligations. So, they create some sort of timetable. Remus in the mornings and over lunch, Sirius in the afternoons and evenings. Nightshifts are separated weekly and the weekends they share. Only if both of them are occupied, they have to ask Molly. But the Weasley’s only had to step in twice by now.
The first month passes by quickly without interruptions. And Remus can’t deny that he’s a little surprised by how good they manage. He didn’t really think about having children yet. Hell, he’s only twenty-eight. Plus, the fact that there isn’t a man in his life anyway. And he’s pretty sure that Sirius was far from starting a family of his own as well. So after all, they handle the new circumstances pretty well. But that’s probably largely due to the fact that Harry is a literal angel. Calm and tender, as if he knows that Remus and Sirius need some time to adjust.
So, for the first month, they’re doing a pretty decent job, although Remus notices that everything they do is a lot about a sense of duty and constantly thinking about what’s best for Harry. The first time Remus truly feels a hint of the delight in being a parent is when on a random Tuesday evening they once again get Harry ready for bed.
Remus just tucked him under the blanket and is about to step back when he notices Harry’s huge eyes staring up at him. "What's that look? What does he want?" he questions out loud.
Sirius steps up next to him and looks down as well. "He kinda looks expectant, don't you think?
And yes, that’s exactly it. For the last six weeks, since they started taking care of Harry, he always pretty much fell asleep the moment they tucked him into bed. Now he seems wide awake. "Maybe he expects a lullaby?” Remus frowns.
“Should we try?" Sirius asks hesitantly.
Remus can’t help the slight smile creeping onto his features as he looks at Sirius out of the corner of his eye. "Sure, go ahead, Mr. Punk-Rock."
Sirius turns towards him, one eyebrow raised in surprise. "You know that?"
"Oh, come on!” Remus chuckles slightly. “The year after college you and James wouldn't shut up about your stupid band."
"It wasn't stupid!" Sirius complains immediately. "How do you know I used to sing, though?" he asks after a beat.
Remus has to chuckle again, "I heard James doing karaoke. Must have been you," he smiles. Then, he slightly nudges Sirius arm with his own. "Go ahead. Give us a show," he encourages.
"Fine, if you insist," Sirius grins back before turning to Harry again.
"I'm an alligator."
"Oh Lord," Remus cuts in half-heartedly. But Sirius doesn’t stop anyway.
"I'm a mama-papa comin' for you. I'm the space invader."
"Sirius," Remus warns again. When talking about lullabies he thought more about ‘twinkle, twinkle, little star’, although he shouldn’t be surprised that Sirius chose a different tactic. He has a nice voice though. Not a surprise either. It's a little raspy, almost smoky, but not that deep.
"I'll be a rock 'n' rollin' bitch for you. Keep your mouth shut. You're squawking like a pink monkey bird. And I'm bustin' up my brains for the words."
Sirius moves his head from side to side, swaying with the beat. He keeps the melody but slightly stretches the words as if ‘Moonage Daydream’ was always supposed to be a ballad.
"That is so not what I meant with lullaby," Remus murmurs under his breath and instead of singing at Harry, Sirius turns his attention towards him.
"Keep your 'lectric eye on me, babe. Put your ray gun to my head. Press your space face close to mine, love. Freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah!"
Remus rolls his eyes in faint annoyance, but there is a glimmer in Sirius’s eyes he can’t distance himself from.
“Don't fake it baby. Lay the real thing on me. The church of man, love. Is such a holy place to be.”
Sirius winks and then his attention is back on Harry, who surprisingly closed his eyes by now, looking small and satisfied.
“Make me baby. Make me know you really care. Make me jump into the air. Keep your 'lectric eye on me, babe. Put your ray gun to my head. Press your space face close to mine, love. Freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah!”
Sirius lowers his voice with every word, slowly letting the song fade out. And then they’re quiet for a minute, both just staring down at their godson. After another moment Sirius looks up again and catches Remus’s glance.
"What?” he whispers with a smile. “Don't you want to raise your godson to have some exquisite taste in music?"
"Yeah, sure I do. And it worked, I've got to give you that," Remus smiles back, before ripping himself away from Sirius’s eyes and walking over towards the door. "Now come on Ziggy Stardust. Put your intergalactic cock back inside and help me with the schedule for next week," he adds on his way out.
"Wait, intergalactic what?" Sirius asks with a frown.
Remus let’s out a laugh, already halfway down the stairs. "If you have to sing unconventional lullabies, at least learn what the lyrics are about," he answers back over his shoulder, before mentally adjusting to argue over everything he has planned for next week.
That’s one of the new things about living with Harry and Sirius. Remus can’t do whatever he wants, whenever he wants and he has to communicate with Sirius about his fucking time schedule. From now on it's Harry first and bookstore second. But then again, out of financial circumstances, Remus still has to keep the bookstore running. So, they need to make arrangements. And because Sirius is a self-centred, thoughtless little shit it doesn’t take long for Remus’s perfectly planned out weekly schedule to hit the fan.
~~~~~~~~~~
Remus organizes a reading in the bookstore. He had planned to do Saturday evenings like that for some time now and had rescheduled after the accident. But today’s happening is marked in their week-planner for almost a month now. It’s supposed to be with a young author from Brighton. He’s nervous and he has travelled all the way, so rescheduling is absolutely no option. But still Sirius managed to mess up. There is some important trust fund event at the rowing club he has to attend, although that is so not Remus’s problem at the moment.
"I have planned this reading for a month and it's on the damn schedule, I can't cover you Sirius," Remus sighs, while already being on his way out the door. He’s late, because they just argued for half an hour about who’s evening plans are more important. Although that is not the question. The question is that Remus scheduled it first, so now it’s definitely Sirius’s problem.
"Well, what am I supposed to do? I can't take Harry with me," Sirius frowns, following Remus out and to the front of the house. “I’ll be home at eight,” he adds with an almost pleading undertone.
“Call the twins, or Molly,” Remus answers while putting his bag on the passenger seat and slamming the door shut with finality. He rounds the car and catches Sirius’s gaze, standing in front of the house, arms crossed and an annoyed frown between his eyebrows. “But find a solution," he adds. Sirius’s frown turns into an eyeroll. “This is really important to me, Sirius. And I don’t have time.” He gets into the car, turns the key and watches Sirius disappear in the rear-view mirror.
Remus feels bad during the whole drive to the store. Not for Sirius obviously, but for Harry. When he arrives, he has already gotten a text from Sirius saying that the twins are gonna take care of Harry and he finally starts to relax. It’s the first time they need them to babysit. During the day Molly can look after Harry for two or three hours. But on a Saturday night it would just be too much to ask her for help on top of what she needs to do for her own children.
~~~~~~~~~~
The reading goes well. Remus has to promise a lot of people to do these events more regularly in the future. Although everyone is quite chatty, he doesn’t dare to linger. It’s past ten p.m., and Remus is a little nervous about how things went with the twins. On top of it, he didn’t like the way Sirius and he parted ways. They fought much less during the last few weeks. Both of them trying hard to behave. And running away in the middle of an argument is not Remus’s style.
When he drives into the gateway twenty minutes later it’s just in time for Sirius to turn off his motorbike in front of the house.
Remus turns off the engine as well, steps out of the car and meets Sirius in front of the door. The front yard is illuminated by light streaming out from the living room. And Remus doesn’t understand. “I thought you said you’re off at eight,” he asks, stepping up to Sirius, who has the keys already in hand.
He looks up at Remus and then quickly back towards the door. “I got distracted on my way home,” he simply answers, playing with the keys.
And that’s when it hits Remus. He can see it in his fucking smug expression. That Sirius already started dating again. Or well, ‘already’ is the wrong word. It’s not like there is some rule that tells you to live in celibacy after your best friends die. But maybe Remus just thought that it would take him a little longer to pick up his old life with all its habits. He should probably be thankful that Sirius isn’t bringing his hookups here. Because honestly, Remus wouldn’t endure random women coming downstairs every other morning.
So, if Sirius comes home an hour or two later because he shagged someone in his flat, it shouldn’t concern Remus as long as it’s not interfering with Harry. But still, it does bother him. He tries to tell himself that it’s not in a jealous kind of way, but merely the fact that Sirius stretches the time he planned to be away. And just because they found a babysitter does not mean that Sirius can stay out as long as he wants to. Because they do have a child at home and Remus is not going to play along with Sirius’s fuckboy behaviour. Yes, that’s exactly the reason he’s going to use for his anger.
“Are you fucking serious?” he grits out, placing a hand to the door to stop Sirius from opening it.
Sirius can’t hide the grin due to the perfect opportunity for his signature joke. “WelI, I do…”
“No!” Remus cuts in immediately.
Sirius frowns and steps away from the door. “What? What’s the problem?”
“Did you honestly just have a date while the twins looked after Harry?”
The frown develops from confused to angry in a second. “And what if I had? What’s the fucking problem?”
“What’s the…?” Remus takes a deep breath and follows Sirius back into the front yard. “You’re unbelievable, honestly, what the fuck is wrong with you?” He can barely keep his voice down and Sirius is at his level of aggression in a heartbeat.
“What is the matter with you?” he grits back.
“The twins, Harry’s babysitters, are not here to cover for your fucking one-night stands! You said you’re off at eight. It’s half past ten, Sirius! Jesus Christ! We agreed to call them because you messed up with the time schedule. They came to look after Harry because we both had work to do, not so you could shag someone!” he bursts out, finally letting his anger run free.
“Why does it matter where I was or what I was doing? Harry’s safe. He’s at home. I bet they took good care of him,” Sirius shouts.
“Not my fucking point, Black!” Remus shouts back.
Sirius rolls his eyes, and Remus wants to punch him. “I am not having this conversation. It’s utterly ridiculous! Not my fucking fault that you’re jealous of my sex life,” Sirius answers with faint calmness and that’s it, Remus is going to kill him.
“I fucking hate you and I’m not…” he takes a step closer but is interrupted by the front door opening to reveal one of the twins (Fred? George!) looking at them with a casual smile.
“Hey, so we just managed to put Harry to bed. But if you’re going to continue to scream at each other out here, we won’t do it again,” he greets and both Sirius and Remus are dumbstruck for a moment.
Remus rips himself out of his stupor first. “Sorry, Fred, er, George! We’re coming in now,” he says back, quickly walking towards the house and over the threshold, not caring if Sirius follows or not.
“What the hell did you guys do?” Sirius asks loudly once they’re inside the house.
“Sirius!” Remus hushes immediately, eyes fixed on the sleeping Harry on his blanket.
But he’s right, though. What the hell did they do to the living room? There are crayons and papers lying all around the floor. The dining table is covered with numerous pots and bowls filled with some sort of colourful paste. And Harry basically sleeps surrounded by picture books and cuddly toys. Although apart from the mess, he looks possibly more satisfied and knocked out than Remus ever saw him.
The other twin (Fred?) shrugs nonchalantly looking at their mess as if it’s common ground. “We created some kinetic sand with Harry, he loved it! And then we did some colouring. Well, George and I did. And when Harry had trouble falling asleep, we sang him some songs. George is learning to play the guitar, so we used it for the lullabies,” he explains.
“My bass guitar!” Sirius scream-whispers, hurrying over to the couch where the instrument is casually placed against the wall.
“Oh, that’s why it sounded all wrong,” George joins in.
Remus has to suppress a grin at the look of Sirius softly stroking his guitar as if it’s something immensely precious. He didn’t even know Sirius stores it here. After all, both of them haven’t brought many personal items here, apart from clothes, cosmetics and a few books. But Remus wouldn’t put it past Sirius and James to do casual band practices for old times’ sake or whatever.
Sirius is still checking his dear bass guitar when Remus takes Fred and George home. It’s just a short walk to the Weasley’s house, but it’s pitch-dark outside and after all they’re just kids themselves. He talks to Arthur briefly, thanks the twins again and then heads back home. When he steps into the living room Sirius is almost done with the floor. He looks up at Remus and suddenly, without the easiness of the twins, the tension from their argument is back in the room. Sirius breaks their eye contact quickly and reaches down to pick up some pencils.
“If you take Harry to bed, I’ll get done with the rest here,” he suggests, still not looking at Remus, but at Harry, who’s sleeping calmly on his blanket on the floor.
Remus interprets it as some kind of apology, and he doesn’t complain while cautiously picking up Harry and heading upstairs.
~~~~~~~~~~
He wakes up early the next morning and after feeding Harry some homemade mash for breakfast and drinking two cups of coffee himself, he gets bored. And getting bored is bad, because that means he has time to think and if there’s one thing he’s afraid of these days, it’s thinking. So, he does the only plausible thing: he starts baking bread.
Both of his hands are deep in bread dough when Sirius emerges at the top of the stairs. After that very first night he moved to sleep in the smaller spare room in the basement. Although ‘spare room’ is a little euphemistic. It’s basically just a pull-out couch in the laundry room. But Remus is usually up early, so that’s probably why Sirius doesn’t want to keep sleeping in the living room. The couch in the basement is too small for Remus as well and neither of them is quite ready to even take a step into the main bedroom yet.
The grey sweatpants hang low on Sirius’s hips, leaving little to the imagination and he’s shirtless and Remus is entirely too gay for this. He wears his hair down and he looks so soft and young, something deep in Remus’s gut just yearns.
“Morning,” Sirius rasps out, running both of his hands through his dishevelled hair. Remus has to look away.
“Good morning,” he greets back, focusing back on his dough.
“What are you doing?” Sirius asks interestedly, taking a step closer towards the kitchen counter.
“Baking bread,” Remus answers simply.
Sirius huffs a small laugh, but it sounds endearing rather than mocking, so Remus supposes their fight from last night didn’t last. “Why?”
Remus shrugs while trying to get the dough into an even form. “James always made Harry’s mash by himself. I started doing that too and I found that cooking and baking is rather distracting,” he murmurs while finally placing a kitchen towel on top of the bowl and putting the whole thing aside to rest.
They’re quiet for a while, but when Remus turns his back to Sirius to wash his hands at the sink, the other man speaks up again.
“I keep waiting for them to come back,” he says quietly, and Remus feels his breath getting knocked out of him.
“What?” he asks, barely audible over the running water.
Sirius waits for him to turn back around and when Remus does, he notices the slight shimmer in Sirius’s eyes.
Sirius takes a breath and works his jaw as if trying to hide his emotions. “Every other morning, I wake up confused about where I am or I wake up in the middle of the night to Harry crying in his sleep and then I need a moment to remember what’s going on,” he explains, looking down at the floor. “Sometimes there are moments when I think that they’re just on holiday or… or in the hospital or something,” he crosses his arms over his bare chest, as if trying to shrink into himself. “And that’s why we’re taking care of Harry,” he adds, and Remus takes a step closer on pure instinct. There’s still the counter separating them, though. “And then I remember and…” he takes another breath, shuddering this time, and his arms fall back to his side. “It hurts just the same every bloody time. And I walk around their house like they’re coming back. Like I’m afraid to make a mess and I put things back where I found them. You do that too, I noticed,” he finally looks back up at Remus and this time he’s sure there are tears in Sirius’s eyes. “But… But they’re not coming back,” he rasps out. “And I think we should start to really live here, like… it’s ours now. It can’t be good for Harry either if he notices that we’re acting like it’s temporary.”
“What are you suggesting?” Remus asks softly, noticing the quiver in his voice and the tightness of his own throat.
Sirius shrugs, puts his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants, looks to the side and shrugs again. “Maybe we should get some stuff from our flats. Start putting personal things here. I mean, I feel like this is some Airbnb, but it’s supposed to be our home,” he answers, looking back at Remus with unsure eyes.
Remus slowly nods and takes a look around the living room. “Yeah, I mean last night, the house really looked like someone lives in here for the first time in weeks.”
The memory puts a tiny hint of a smile on Sirius’s face. “Exactly,” he answers, mirroring Remus’s nod while looking at him expectantly.
“One of us could use their bedroom as well. I honestly feel a little bad about you still sleeping on that couch downstairs,” Remus suggests, but Sirius immediately shakes his head.
“It’s fine and it’s tiny, so you’re too tall for it anyway.”
“Yeah, but it’s kinda unfair that I have the large spare room while you barely have any private space at all,” Remus frowns and then the topic of their argument crosses his mind again. “And if that’s why you’re not bringing anyone here…”
“No, it’s not,” Sirius cuts in, shaking his head. “I’m not bringing anyone here because of Harry,” he explains. “And because of you,” he adds quietly after a beat.
Remus frowns. “I’m sorry about yesterday, Sirius.”
“Don’t be.”
“I overreacted,” he breathes out and then the tension seems to leave Sirius’s tense posture as well.
“No, you were right,” he answers honestly. “I should have communicated with you more. It’s not just the house. It’s… my behaviour as well. You’re doing really great. With Harry and basically everything. I should start to be more responsible as well,” he concludes, looking up at Remus.
“You’re really great with Harry, you know that. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’d do everything for him. And you are responsible,” Remus says. “When it comes to Harry at least,” he adds with a small grin.
“Yeah, but I should probably start to be more responsible in every aspect,” Sirius frowns and looks out of the window again before meeting Remus’s eyes. “Towards you as well. Because it’s not just about Harry. We’re in this together. We live here, together. We’re always dancing around each other, just enduring the other,” he frowns.
Remus chuckles slightly. “I’m not just enduring you.”
“Oh, come on, Remus,” Sirius mocks, taking another step closer towards the counter.
Remus chuckles again and then nods solemnly. “Fine, if we’re getting more personal stuff and start living here, we could also try to do it more as a team,” he concludes with a smile.
“I’d like that,” Sirius hums back, not breaking eye contact.
And then he smiles and God, that smile. It’s the whole look of him really. That Sunday morning ‘just-tumbled-out-of-bed’ kinda look. When his eyes turn soft, and he looks at Remus, really looks into his eyes, it’s all a little too familiar. But it’s always gonna be that particular smile. That's when Remus is reminded of a weekend ten years ago. A weekend he normally forbids himself to even think about. The weekend he met Sirius Black. Long before James officially introduced them to each other.
Notes:
Soooo, the next one is going to be the first flashback chapter... obviously!
Chapter Text
That night, the stars aligned
Heaven dropped a line
Before you, I was just a flare in the sky
A kid too afraid to go to play in the light
A colorless painter, a man with no sight
Before you, I was nothing, was nothing, had nothing
I only had a kiss, a touch, a song that made me cry
And all the drugs I've done, they never got me higher
Than the first time we met
There's nothing like the first time we met
~ The First Time – Damiano David
10 years ago - Friday
The doorbell rings but Remus barely looks up, too absorbed in the book he's currently reading. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees the new customer walking along the classic section. His attention shifts when the stranger begins humming ‘Rock ‘n’ Roll Suicide’ under his breath. Remus is about to make a comment that they have a record section as well, but when he looks up fully, his breath gets caught in his throat. Because there, by the Jane Austen shelf, stands the impersonation of Remus’s wet dreams. He blinks once, twice, fully prepared for this dark-haired phantom of a boy to vanish any second. Because surely it can't be real that the most beautiful creature Remus has ever seen just strolled into the bookstore on a random Friday afternoon.
He's wearing tight black jeans and a cropped leather jacket over a plain, equally black t-shirt. His raven-black hair curls at the nape of his neck and he keeps pushing a loose strand behind his ear absentmindedly while still humming David Bowie. He lets his long fingers run over the covers of various books, clearly not searching, but just browsing through the range. His skin is pale and seems to almost glow in the soft afternoon light. Remus can catch high cheekbones and a sharp jawline. He knows that he's staring, and rather creepily as well, but he can't seem to stop, still afraid that the beautiful stranger might disappear once he blinks.
Another minute passes by until the stranger turns slightly towards a narrow desk to his left and catches sight of Remus behind the counter. He's still staring and the stranger notices as well. Fuck. Their eyes meet and the first thing Remus notices is that the man, or boy, is younger than he thought. Probably around his own age. The stranger lifts an eyebrow, amused or in question, and Remus feels caught. He clears his throat and rounds the counter, trying to gain some professionalism back.
He clears his throat again to make sure his voice is steady. "Can I help you with something? Are you looking for anything specific?" he asks, coming to a halt a few steps in front of the other boy.
He smiles softly and turns towards Remus. "I do, actually," and God, that voice. Remus might start to believe in love at first sight. "I'm searching for a story set in Oxford. Something that'll help me catch the vibe, you know? I just arrived and I saw the bookstore, and something kinda pulled me inside, and I thought why not start my new life here with a good story?" he chuckles and looks down at his boots quickly before raising his gaze again to meet Remus’s.
"Mm, I see," Remus nods and turns towards the narrow table in front of them. "Well, there are multiple famous authors, who studied and wrote some of their best books in Oxford. Lewis Carroll for example. J.R.R Tolkien and C.S. Lewis as well," he lists, while pointing at the copies on the table.
The stranger takes a step closer, beside Remus, and suddenly he’s standing so close, their shoulders are nearly touching. "Sounds good,” he hums, looking down at the table as well. He pauses and his next words are spoken with an audible grin in his voice. “Although I thought a bookstore employee could impress me with a little more than basic children's books I've finished reading by the age of 10."
Remus turns towards him, slightly baffled. "Wow, okay," he chuckles, amused. The eyes of the stranger meet his with a sparkling hint of daring, as if he’s sure Remus has more to offer. "I believe that ‘Through the Looking Glass’ is always worth a reread, but fine,” Remus nods again. “Challenge accepted."
He turns back towards the shelf instead and takes a few steps into the fantasy section, the other man naturally stays by his side. “’A Discovery of Witches’ by Deborah Harkness, if you’re into fantasy,” Remus starts, pulling out a blue-covered paperback and handing it to his customer. “It has witches and vampires, it’s mysterious and the author is clearly a book and literature lover herself,” he adds, watching the other man closely as he reads the summary.
“Or ‘The Bone Season’ by Samantha Shannon,” he keeps going, pulling out another book. “If you’re more of a science fiction and dystopian guy. It’s set in a criminal underworld in the future and the plot is a mixture of romance and crime,” Remus explains, cautiously placing the book in the stranger’s other outstretched hand. He’s still not making a comment yet. Just keeps smiling and reading the summary again, before looking up at Remus with a soft smile.
Remus takes another step sideways, to the crime section. “Or ‘Doomsday Book’ by Connie Willis? It’s also science fiction, but in a more historical way, as it is about time travel. I really enjoyed it,” he adds, exchanging the other two books with the new one. Their hands touch shortly, and Remus basically has to force himself to not linger. He starts to get nervous. Not just because of his uncommented recommendations, but because of the close proximity they’re sharing ever since Remus started handing copies.
The stranger reads the summary again and then hands the copy of ‘Doomsday Book’ back to Remus with an almost apologetic smile. “Maybe something more realistic?”
“Mm, okay,” Remus smiles, nods and takes a moment to think. He bites his lip absentmindedly when pushing past his customer to walk back to the classic section. “How about Jeffrey Archer’s ‘Not a Penny More, Not a Penny Less’?” he asks over his shoulder and then pulls out another paperback book from the shelf. “It’s his first published book. Great characters and a good mystery crime story,” he adds, handing the book over, and this time he’s almost sure the other man makes their hands touch intentionally, while also not breaking eye contact. Remus’s heart literally skips a beat, and he can’t keep his eyes from the long, pale fingers that run across the book cover.
“Maybe something with a little romance too?” The stranger asks, not even really bothering to read the summary this time. Their eyes meet again, and Remus is met with a smile that’s immediately mirrored on his own lips.
Romance. So that’s what he’s searching for? Remus decides to be brave. He takes the copy out of the stranger’s hands and places it back on the shelf. He chuckles slightly when he turns back again. “I would recommend ‘Maurice’, but unfortunately that’s set in Cambridge, not in Oxford, because that’s where E. M. Forster studied,” he explains, turning back again, and the stranger must have taken another step closer, because now Remus has to slightly look down to meet his gaze. Remus gulps down the giddy feeling that starts rising in his chest.
The stranger’s smile develops into a grin. “I keep it in mind if I ever get to visit Cambridge. I watched the movie though. Great story.”
Remus waits another beat and then he pushes further, because honestly, there isn’t much to lose. “It is, yes” he nods. “If you enjoy a little queer subtext and, er… let’s say homoerotic allusions, you should definitely read ‘Brideshead Revisited’ by Evelyn Waugh,” he suggests, blindly reaching for the copy to his right, because he always knows where this one lies. “It’s one of my absolute favourites and although the queerness isn’t as forward as it is in ‘Maurice’, there is definitely some very gay tension happening between Charles Ryder and Lord Sebastian.”
The other man reaches for the copy in Remus’s hands, their skin touches again, and this time he really takes time to read the summary and inspect the cover and inside. “This sounds interesting,” he speaks up after a moment. Then he chuckles. “I can relate to the disintegration of a wealthy aristocratic family,” he adds, although kinda more under his breath. Then he looks up and stares into Remus’s eyes again with this hypnotic kind of smile on his lips. “I take it,” he announces after another moment of eye-contact that made Remus’s heart beat in his throat. He feels jittery and kinda adventurous. And he desperately wants to know more about the mysterious stranger and what exactly made him decide for ‘Brideshead Revisited’.
“Great,” he rasps out, taking the book back and heading towards the counter. Inside, he’s already mourning their parting. Don’t leave yet, he thinks, hoping that the other man might be able to read minds.
“The store is very nice, by the way,” the stranger speaks up again.
“Thank you, I’ll tell Mr. Stanton, he’s the owner,” Remus answers, while scanning the copy. “I worked here through all of my grammar school time,” he adds, clearly not really knowing what to say.
“Good place to meet people, I assume,” the dark-haired boy returns, and then he winks at Remus and Remus probably dies a little in that moment.
He catches himself and a chuckle escapes his lips. “You’d be surprised,” he grins, taking the banknote, the other man just handed him. “Even if I’m asked for help or my adequate opinion on literature, it’s mostly by elderly women,” he adds, and the other man breaks into a laugh as well. Remus slides the copy and receipt over the counter. When their eyes lock, he speaks up again, trying to keep the hopeful edge out of his voice. “And guys my age just don’t seem as impressed by my knowledge.”
“Hm, can’t relate,” the stranger hums. And then they basically just stand across from each other at the counter. Eyes locked into each other’s, smile plastered to their faces. And it literally seems like they’re both holding their breath, desperate for the other to just do something.
Ask, please just ask, Remus thinks. Don't make me look like a fool. I can't ask, I'm working here, and it would be creepy to ask out random customers. Although nothing about the mysterious stranger is random at all.
“Well, I guess this is goodbye then,” the stranger speaks up again, and Remus might just imagine it, but somehow, he gets the feeling that the other man doesn’t want them to part ways yet either.
“I guess it is,” he replies anyway, still begging for something to happen.
The stranger smiles one last time, turns towards the door, takes two steps and Remus is seconds away from calling him back, when suddenly he turns back around on his own.
"I, er..." Yes, ask. "This might seem a bit strange," No, not at all. "But, at what time are you usually off?" Fuck, yes!
"I'm closing the shop in half an hour," Remus grins.
"Great, and er, do you have any plans for... for after that?" the other man grins as well, pushing that loose strand of hair back behind his ear again.
"Not yet," Remus shakes his head, grinning even wider.
"Would you maybe want to..." he starts.
"Yes," Remus cuts in, shaking his head at his own eagerness. "I mean no," he frowns. "I mean what was it you wanted to ask?"
The stranger chuckles, looks to the side, shuffles a little on his feet and then finally looks up at Remus again. "I, er... wanted to ask if you'd like to spend the evening with me? Or the rest of your day, or just however long you want. Like I said, I'm new here, like I arrived today, and you could show me around. If you like," he adds, suddenly sounding much more unsure.
"I'd love to," Remus nods repeatedly.
"Yeah?" the stranger smiles hopefully.
"Yes," Remus grins back.
"Okay, great!" he chuckles again, relieved this time. "I'm, er... just gonna wait outside. Like sit on the bench there and start my... reading," he adds, waving with the copy of ‘Brideshead Revisited’.
"Okay," Remus nods again. "I'll find you soon," he hums. And then they grin at each other again, before the other man rips himself away, turns around and leaves the bookstore.
~~~~~~~~~~
Needless to say, the next half an hour seems to be the longest of Remus’s life. Especially with the other man constantly sitting in his direct line of vision. There are just three more customers, and when the clock hits 6 p.m., Remus can’t get his stuff done fast enough. He hurries so much, he has to actively calm himself down before stepping out of the store. After all, there is some coolness, he has to preserve when spending possibly the whole evening with a guy who looks like he came out of a fucking Chanel advert.
"Hey," he greets, stepping up to the other boy, who immediately closes his book and rises from the bench to stand in front of Remus.
"Hey," he smiles back "I just realised that I didn't even ask for the name of my tour guide yet," he grins and Remus chuckles in return.
"I'm Remus," he answers, and the stranger’s grin grows, if possible, even wider.
"Remus, that's a nice name," he hums. "I'm Sirius," he adds.
Remus frowns slightly. "Like the star?" he asks.
"Exactly," the other man nods, and his expression turns a little surprised as if it doesn’t happen that often that people make the connection to the dog star.
"Oh, wow," Remus murmurs more to himself.
"What?" Sirius asks, another smile tugging at his lips.
"I just... it really fits you," Remus admits. And it’s true. Sirius. The brightest of them all, just like the man standing in front of him. His parents must have had some kind of prophecy, or Sirius was just astonishing right from the beginning. ‘Cause honestly, a common name would come close to an insult in the case.
"Do you think so?" Sirius asks, a spark in his eyes.
"Absolutely," Remus nods.
"So, Remus. Are you about to study here as well or do you already go here?" Sirius asks casually.
Remus feels a slight pang, because really, they’re meeting at the most unfitting time. "No, I'm about to start college as well ¬—" he starts.
Sirius whole face lights up. "Really, that's..."
" — in London," Remus finishes and Sirius face falls.
"What?" he asks, confused.
"I'm about to start college in London. I'm leaving on Monday. Today was actually my last shift at the bookstore," Remus explains, sounding almost sorry.
An unamused huff escapes Sirius’s mouth. "Oh, you gotta be kidding me," he mutters, looking to the side.
"Why?" Remus chuckles at the almost offended look on Sirius’s face.
He looks back at Remus, and the grip on his book tightens. "You're telling me I just left London to study in Oxford, I walk into this bookstore on pure instinct alone and I meet the hottest librarian to ever walk this earth just for him to tell me that he's about to piss off to the very city I just fled from, in three fucking days?"
Remus can’t help the disbelieving laugh escaping his parted lips. "So, we better make the best out of this weekend, I guess?" he suggests after a moment.
Sirius sighs, and then there’s an actual little pout forming on his lips. It looks cute, and Remus wants to touch it. "That's just bad luck, or karma. Maybe I did something to annoy the Gods above,” Sirius hums, shaking his head, before looking back at Remus. “Damn, I thought about destiny when you agreed to show me around, but here we are," he adds and for a beat Remus is stunned at his honesty.
"Could still be destiny, that you found me," he answers quietly after a second. But the next moment Sirius’s facial expression suddenly changes, and his eyes become huge.
"Oh my God, you probably have better things to do, don't you? If you're leaving on Monday?” he asks, shocked. “Like packing or… or I don't know, maybe you wanna see your friends or say goodbye to the city on your own?"
Remus just laughs softly again and raises both hands in midair to calm the other man down. "Everything's already sorted out,” he assures him. “And my best friend is on holiday with her parents. We did a goodbye party last weekend. So, I really have nothing else to do," he adds, and honesty, even if that wasn’t the case, he probably would have said yes to their date anyway. Or well, date? Remus has no clue if this is a real date. But then again, the other man said he’s the hottest librarian to ever walk this earth, and that strongly sounds like date to Remus.
"Perfect,” Sirius smiles, the pout washed away from his face finally. “Then I will shamelessly claim your company."
"I'm looking forward to it," Remus winks back and then they start walking in the general direction of the city centre.
"Why on earth would someone want to leave Oxford to study somewhere else anyway?" Sirius asks after a moment of comfortable silence.
Remus chuckles and looks around them as if to remind himself why, in fact. "I spent my whole life here. I just thought I might want to see somewhere else," he shrugs.
Sirius huffs another laugh and nods. "Yeah, same. Just the other way around."
"What are you going to study?" Remus asks, interested, still not really able to place the other guy.
"Management,” Sirius answers shortly. “It was the compromise between what my parents wanted and what I want instead," he sighs, and Remus gets the feeling that Sirius would want something else entirely.
"What would that have been?"
"Art," Sirius smiles back.
"And management is the compromise?" Remus asks back, disbelievingly, eyebrows raised.
"Better than law," Sirius says with a dismissive shrug.
"That's probably right."
"What about you?" he asks in return.
"Literature," Remus smiles back, and when he looks to his side, Sirius returns the expression softly.
"Makes sense," he hums.
"So, which tour do you wanna get?" Remus asks casually when they come closer to the city centre.
"Oh, there are different options?" Sirius purrs, beaming up at Remus in an almost overenthusiastic manner.
"Oh, definitely," Remus nods with faint seriousness. "There is the classic literature tour, the Harry Potter tour, the Alice in Wonderland tour," he counts on his fingers.
Sirius thinks about it and then just shrugs and chuckles slightly. "Just anything but college, I guess? I think I'll see enough of that during the next few weeks," he answers.
"Well, that rules out Harry Potter," Remus thinks out loud. "And literature as well," he adds, and then chuckles too. "To be honest there isn't much left if we exclude every university building."
"Then I want the Remus exclusive tour," Sirius smiles. "All your favourite places. An original. The Remus... tour," he adds and then frowns.
"Lupin," Remus answers the unspoken question. "That's my last name."
"Remus Lupin," Sirius hums, and Remus has to admit he kinda likes his name coming from the mouth of the other man. "Sirius Black," he adds, placing one hand to his chest and indicating a little bow.
Remus has to suppress an eye roll. "You gotta be kidding me," he laughs out loud. "Sirius Black? Who's named like that?" he asks, disbelievingly. For a moment the other boy looks almost offended, before he seems to realise that Remus actually made him a compliment. "Are you a musician?" he adds.
“Well, I play the guitar,” Sirius shrugs, looking a little smug at Remus’s obvious attraction.
“Of course you do,” Remus hums back under his breath.
~~~~~~~~~~
And then they walk for hours that feel like mere minutes. Not even really heading for a concrete destination, but just strolling through the city. Remus explains something about a building or shop or café here and there but during the meantime they just talk. And talk and talk, never reaching a dead end, never creating uncomfortable silence. And Remus learns a lot about Sirius. He went to a boarding school. He has a little brother. His favourite band is Queen. He prefers movies over TV-shows. He plays the guitar. He's half French. He likes to read. His favourite author is Oscar Wilde. He's a vegetarian.
And it's not just what he explicitly tells him with words. A lot of stuff he just learns by the way Sirius scrunches his nose or worries his lip or raises his eyebrow. For example, Remus has noticed that he has a pretty complicated, possibly bad relationship with his parents. He's also nervous about leaving everything in London behind but is determined to start over. And Remus is pretty sure that Sirius probably never acted out his sexuality or general attraction towards men, that he probably isn’t even out yet. It's not just that he doesn't talk about past crushes or situationships, but sometimes when they walk through narrow alleys, he glances around nervously. And when a couple of guys their age cross their way, he brings some extra distance between Remus's and his body.
After what could be not more than three hours, Remus still feels like he knows Sirius for a lifetime. He has never felt so close to someone after such a short time. And he has the slight feeling that the other man might feel similar. It’s not just their conversation. There are touches as well. Hands placed on the other’s shoulder or arm in conversation, bumping hips as they walk side by side, brushing hands as if by accident, but it still electrifies Remus’s whole body every time.
When the sun sets, Remus guides them to one of his favourite pubs by the river side. They each grab a pint and step outside again, walking over to the railing to look over the water. The sun hangs low over the surface, painting everything in soft orange light. Sirius is close to Remus’s side, casually leaning against the railing, face pointed towards the sun. And maybe it’s the way the sunset harmonizes with his beautiful features, or the way his whole body is faced towards Remus, or how passionately he tells a story about a prank he and his friends orchestrated during their school days.
Maybe it’s those last few hours they have spent together as if nothing else on earth mattered. Maybe it’s the beauty of the city, or the soft evening glow, or the warm wind that dishevels Sirius’s dark curls, but Remus suddenly is painfully reminded of the fact that there are only two full days left before he’s leaving for London. And that right now there’s nothing he wants more than to make the best of his last few hours in the city. And the best way to do that is by kissing Sirius Black. Maybe it’s half the pint he already drank, or Sirius’s soft smile or his piercing gaze, but suddenly everything around them fades away and the need to at least try is overpowering.
Sirius has merely finished his story when Remus licks his lips, takes a tiny step closer and tilts his head slightly to look down at the other man. Sirius looks up at him expectantly, and Remus gets the feeling that he’s holding his breath as well.
“I’d really like to kiss you right now,” he manages to whisper breathlessly, and immediately a smile spreads on Sirius’s face.
“Well, what are you waiting for?” he hums back and that’s all Remus needed.
He takes another tiny step right into Sirius’s personal space. When he runs one hand around Sirius’s neck, the other man is on his tiptoes, practically melting into Remus’s embrace. Their lips meet and Remus’s world explodes into fireworks. That really is the only possible way to describe the feeling of Sirius’s lips on his own. They’re soft and full and warm and they fit against Remus’s perfectly. Sirius’s arms wrap around Remus’s torso, and when his other hand finds Sirius hip, pulling them even closer together, the other man sighs into their kiss, and Remus uses the opportunity to slowly, cautiously let his tongue dive into Sirius’s mouth. Sirius’s sigh develops into a quiet moan. His hands fist into the fabric of Remus’s T-shirt, and when their tongues touch, Remus feels like his knees might give out.
They start kissing more greedily, their tongues stroking against each other wetly. Remus head swirls, and the next thing he knows, he’s pressing Sirius against the railing. The other man slightly tilts his head to the side to give Remus more access, and when Remus presses their bodies against each other, there’s another soft moan escaping Sirius’s parted lips. Remus’s hand dives into Sirius’s hair, and when his hand slightly grabs a handful to pull his head back even more, Sirius whines. He fucking whines and the sound drives right down between Remus’s legs.
He breaks their kiss, leans back, hand still fisted in Sirius’s hair. They’re both panting and when Sirius slowly opens his eyes, his pupils are dilated. Remus frees his hand from Sirius’s head and shifts back a bit to give Sirius some air to breathe.
“Damn,” Sirius whisper-chuckles. He looks to the side as if to check that they’re not just giving a whole show to half the population of Oxford. But there is only a small group of people on the far end of the railing, right in front of the pub.
When he looks back at Remus, his lips part into a smile and Remus just wants to kiss him again.
Remus first mirrors his smile and then chuckles. “Well, I have kissed people before, but that was…,”
“Yeah,” Sirius agrees, and then they both just chuckle again. When they continue with their walk a short while later, their hands find each other as if it’s second nature. After another hour, and when the streets are already dark and deserted, they reach the entry to Remus’s building. He didn’t even lead them there purposely, too distracted by their conversation.
"We could step inside,” Remus suggests, nevertheless. “I mean, only if you like," he adds, not wanting to sound too eager. But Sirius had started shivering slightly twenty minutes ago, his leatherjacket clearly not as thick as it looks.
"I actually don't really have a place yet, so yeah, why not," Sirius chuckles in return.
Remus startles. "You don't know where you’re going to sleep tonight?"
Sirius just shrugs and smiles slightly. "I thought I just get a hotel room until Monday. That's when I can move into the dorm."
Remus can’t stop the amused laugh that escapes his mouth. "And the alternative was to find some polite local who could show you around and invite you to his flat afterwards?” he jokes. “That's pretty clever."
Sirius joins his laugh. "Thanks, I do that in every city I'm new to,” he grins. “But usually, my tour guides are neither as hot nor as funny, intelligent, or interesting as you are," he adds with a wink.
"Interesting, am I?" Remus smiles, eyebrow raised.
"Definitely," Sirius hums back.
They take the narrow staircase to Remus’s rooftop flat, and Remus really hopes that his place doesn’t seem too creepy. Then he remembers his unmade bed and all the half-filled moving boxes lying around.
But when they step into the one room apartment Sirius just looks around curiously, catching up on random details and taking his time to examine everything.
"How come you already have your own flat at the age of 18?" Sirius asks, putting back a copy of ‘Wuthering Heights’ into one of the boxes filled with books.
Remus leans against the kitchen counter at the window front to observe Sirius’s exploration tour. "I grew up in Oxford with my mother,” he starts. “My parents got divorced when I was ten. Five years ago, my father moved to Cardiff. He's a professor and travels a lot,” he adds, and then pauses. Sirius turns around to look at him. “Three years ago, my mother got really sick and needed to stay at the hospital over long periods. My father wanted me to come to Cardiff as well, but all of my friends were here, and I wanted to take care of my mum. So, we agreed that I could stay here and get a flat closer to town and the hospital,” he keeps going and then pauses again. He breathes in deeply and Sirius takes a step closer towards him. “My mother died 15 months ago, but I still stayed here to finish school," he finishes quietly, and when Sirius doesn’t respond right away, he smiles sadly at him.
"I'm very sorry, Remus,” Sirius answers after a while. “That must have been hard."
“It is what it is,” Remus shrugs sadly. “But my dad’s great. We have a really good relationship even though we don’t see each other that often,” he adds more lightly.
“That’s great,” Sirius adds with a smile, although he still sounds a little sad. “You know what? I think it’s really unfair that some people, like you, have great parents and then they lose them way too soon. Meanwhile, my parents are cruel assholes and will probably live forever,” he adds with such casualness, Remus is dumbstruck for a moment.
“You wouldn’t believe how often I had to listen to people telling me that my mother died because she was so nice and pure, God just wanted her to be with him,” Remus says with a disgusted frown between his brows.
“What utter bullshit,” Sirius laughs humourlessly.
“Yeah, I agree,” Remus simply replies. “Anyway, sorry for ruining the moment,” he chuckles after a moment of shared silence.
“No, please, after all, it was me who asked and I don’t mind some darker themes sometimes,” Sirius smiles back softly.
~~~~~~~~~~
After that, they start talking about happier stuff again. Remus pulls out a bottle of gin he got from some school friends as a goodbye present and finds half an empty bottle of tonic in his fridge.
Either it’s the drink or just the comfort of Remus’s flat, but he can almost feel the rest of Sirius’s hesitation melting away. Not that there was that much hesitation before, but now the force of attraction between them grows so strong it feels almost magnetic. They’re sitting on the edge of Remus’s bed, completely turned towards each other, and their bodies seem to lean more into each other with every sip of their drink. When their glasses are half empty, Sirius places one hand on Remus’s left leg in conversation and then just lets it rest there. When they finish their gin and tonic, Remus places their glasses on the floor, and when he sits back up, suddenly Sirius’s lips are on his again. A little surprised sound escapes his lips before his hesitation is washed away by Sirius’s tongue asking for entrance. His hands find the other man’s hips automatically and he pulls Sirius into his lap.
The other man starts making those beautiful little sounds again. Although this time he doesn’t seem to hold back anymore, and when Remus lets his hand run into Sirius’s soft curls to tilt his head to the side, there’s the whining sound again. Remus’s grip tightens and Sirius starts grinding down. This probably happens way too soon, way too fast, but when Sirius pushes Remus back by his shoulders so that he lies flat on his back, his doubts evaporate into thin air. Sirius starts moving more greedily, their kiss becomes sloppier, and Remus gets hard so quickly, it’s probably some new record. Sirius must notice too, as he moans against Remus’s parted lips, and when Remus reaches around and starts running both of his hands over Sirius’s arse, the other man breaks the kiss to pant into the crook of Remus’s neck.
Remus tries to catch some air as well, letting his hands rest on Sirius very firm, very round ass. The other man has stopped his grinding and when he lifts his head to look into Remus’s eyes, he looks beautifully dishevelled and hungry for more.
For a beat they just stare at each other, Sirius’s face above his own and softly illuminated by the streetlights, shining like a halo.
He pushes a strand of hair behind his ear and then his expression turns slightly unsure. "I, er… I've never done that," he admits after a moment.
"Me neither," Remus answers automatically, sitting up with Sirius in his lap again.
Sirius smile turns disbelievingly. "I mean I've never done anything," he clarifies, crossing his arms behind Remus’s neck.
Remus smiles back softly. "That's alright, we don't have to do anything."
Sirius shakes his head immediately. "No, I want to. I really want to do this. With you," he explains. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm not that experienced," he adds, biting his lip.
"Doesn't matter," Remus hums. "I could show you, if you like," he adds with a soft smile, and then he chuckles. "I mean it's not like I've done much, but... What would you like?"
Sirius releases a shuddering breath. "I don't know. Everything. Anything. This. I..." he stops and pushes back against Remus hands while simultaneously rolling his hips on Remus’s crotch again. "I want you like this," he adds and then he bites his lip again, and Remus might go insane.
"Maybe we should start with something else? Ease into it a little?" Remus suggests, slightly breathless again. And it’s not like he doesn’t want this. Now. With Sirius. Hell, nothing ever sounded better than sinking into Sirius Black. But penetrative sex is the one thing Remus hasn’t done yet. And he doesn’t want Sirius to regret anything. He doesn’t want him to feel used. And yes, maybe there might be some worries about performance issues as well. It’s not like Remus doesn’t know how it works, but he would probably hate himself forever if he wasn’t capable of making Sirius feel good. With hands and mouth, at least, he’s pretty confident.
Sirius, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to worry about this whole thing all too much. "Yeah, please, Remus. Just... anything," he pants back and then they kiss again. Sirius starts grinding down again and Remus presses their middles together with a firm grip on Sirius’s ass. Even through the fabric of both of their jeans, the feeling of them against each other is incredible. Still, Remus needs all of these clothes gone, now.
He rolls them around on his mattress in one smooth movement, and with another deep moan, Sirius opens his legs for Remus to lay down between them. Sirius’s t-shirt is off first, and for a moment Remus just admires the soft and pale skin underneath. He places kisses all over Sirius’s chest, and when he starts running his tongue over his right nipple, the other man practically lifts off the bed. Sensitive. Remus makes a mental note for later. While he traces kisses down Sirius’s upper body, the other man starts greedily tugging at Remus’s jumper and with some fumbling it’s off as well. Sirius pulls him back up and they start kissing again, and honestly, just the feeling of skin on skin is almost too much. Remus is eager to know what Sirius might feel wrapped around him, fully naked. After Sirius’s confirmation, Remus opens up the button and fly of his jeans, and when he continues his kissing trail down Sirius’s body, he simultaneously pulls down the other man’s trousers and boxers. He gets rid of the rest of his own clothes quickly, and when he sits back on his heels, Sirius lifts up on his elbows as well.
For a moment they just stop to observe the other. It should probably feel weird, but Sirius’s eyes are like fire, roaming over his exposed body, and he’s so distracted by the sight in front of him, he doesn’t even think about getting self-conscious. Sirius is beautiful, there simply is no other word for it. His skin seems to almost glow in the dark, his arms and legs are long and slim, his chest rises and falls with his breathing and there’s a small trace of tiny black curls leading to his neatly trimmed pubic hair. His dick curves up slightly to his flat belly, and Remus’s fucking mouth waters. Well, that is a first as well. There are veins visible on his forearms, his neck, his dick. Remus wants to taste every part of his body. Sirius still lies with his legs spread and parted, and Remus wants his picture printed to the ceiling of his future flat in London so he can never forget this sight.
When their eyes meet again, Sirius bites his lip and Remus places both of his hands on the firm skin of Sirius’s thighs. He pulls him down on the bed, closer towards himself, and then settles between the other man’s legs. He keeps his eyes on Sirius’s face when his lips wrap around the tip of his cock, and he can witness Sirius’s head falling back into his neck. His arms lose their strength, and he sinks back into the pillows. Remus smiles around the tip, and when he sinks all the way down, the quietness of the room is filled with a loud groan.
Remus keeps his hands pressed on top of Sirius’s thighs. He hollows his cheeks and starts moving his head up and down slowly. One of Sirius’s hands dives into Remus’s hair, and his now bent legs fall widely open to the side. Remus hums around Sirius’s dick and picks up the pace slightly. The other man is a whimpering mess, making sounds that shoot directly into Remus’s own very hard cock. His tongue trails a vein on the underside of Sirius’s length when the other man suddenly starts tugging at Remus’s hair.
“Wait, wait,” he rasps out. Remus releases his dick with a pop and looks up at the other man, who meets his gaze with lust filled eyes.
“You’re okay?” he asks, and Sirius’s pupils dilate even more at the sound of his rough voice.
“I’m close, come here,” Sirius whispers back. “Need to feel you as well,” he adds. And hell, Remus doesn’t need to listen twice.
He’s back on top of Sirius in a heartbeat, and that’s it. Their skin against each other’s feels beyond. Sirius’s chest and thighs and arms feel like they’re made out of satin. He wraps his shaking legs around Remus’s waist, his hand finds Sirius’s hip, their upper bodies are pressed against each other’s, and when their middles touch without any piece of fabric in between, they both moan in unison. First, they just move slowly, enjoying every slow friction. But soon their lips find each other again, and their hip rolls become more frantic. When Remus pulls back slightly, his dick springs free and shifts between the tightness of Sirius’s ass cheeks, and suddenly it’s hard to tell who of them makes the needier sounds.
Sirius’s fingernails scratch over the skin of Remus’s back, and his toes curl at the back of Remus’s knees. Remus, on the other hand, starts panting into the crook of Sirius’s neck, completely overwhelmed with those new kinds of sensations. With the tip of his length, Remus can feel the smooth skin of Sirius’s entrance, and his hips start to buckle just from the imagination of pushing past it. Sirius clings to Remus with every brush over the soft spot, and he feels himself getting closer with every grinding sensation. The tension in every muscle of his body is almost unbearable. With the next movement of their joint bodies, he pushes a hand between them and wraps long fingers around Sirius’s leaking cock. The other man goes limp underneath him. One, two, three strokes and a light brush over his tip with his thumb and Sirius comes all over Remus’s hand. Remus follows shortly after, and the grip of Sirius’s hands on his shoulder blades becomes so tight, Remus hopes it’s gonna leave marks.
They still their movements and when they look into each other’s eyes again, it’s like every boundary, every wall or fence or hurdle is gone. Remus feels so seen and understood, it’s like he just arrived in one of his favourite romance novels. It’s like they just became one.
“Fuck,” Sirius breaths-laughs after a moment.
“Yeah,” Remus agrees, an equally stupid grin on his face.
They untangle slowly and when he’s certain his legs will carry him again, Remus gets both of them a glass of water. When he lays back down, Sirius curls into his side as if cuddling after sex is the most natural thing on earth, no matter that they just met a few hours ago. Remus nods off slowly with Sirius half pressed to his side, half laying on top of him.
~~~~~~~~~~
When he wakes up again, he doesn’t know how long he has slept and what time it is, but he has turned to the side, now spooning Sirius from behind. And he’s hard again. His dick pressed to Sirius’s ass. He’s already shifting away slightly, when Sirius stirs in his half sleep. He moans quietly and then grinds back on Remus’s half-hard cock. His grip on Sirius’s hip tightens and he hides his face between the other man’s shoulder blades.
"Remus?" Sirius half whispers, half moans over the top of his shoulder.
"Hng?" Remus just hums, trying to concentrate with Sirius’s soft skin around him again.
"I still want to sleep with you," Sirius murmurs back.
Remus chuckles against the skin of Sirius’s back. "We just..."
"No, I mean…” Sirius cuts in, rolling onto his back slowly. “I really want you to take me like... all the way," he rasps out, looking up at Remus, who has pushed up on his elbow.
Remus stills, suddenly wide awake with a beating heart. "Are you sure? You want that with me?"
Sirius’s eyebrows draw together slightly. "Don't you want to?"
"No," Remus shakes his head quickly. "I mean yes, of course I want to," he adds. "Believe me I really, really want to," he rasps out. "But it's a big deal, isn't it? You really need to trust me for this."
A small smile creeps onto Sirius lips, and he captures Remus’s face in both of his hands. "I'm not some damsel in distress, Remus," he chuckles. "And this is sex we're talking about, not brain surgery," he adds, and Remus lifts an eyebrow. "But I do trust you. And I want it. With you,"
"Okay," Remus presses out. He surveys Sirius for another long moment, and the other man stares back patiently. "Let me just get..." Remus starts and then he frees himself from Sirius’s hand cautiously to lean over towards his bedside table. He pulls out the lube he sometimes uses for wanking and the condoms he got for his 18th birthday half a year ago.
"You're prepared," Sirius laughs, when he places both items on the mattress beside them.
Remus grins, ignoring his nervousness. "I guess you never know when some hot and mysterious guy is about to stroll into your bookstore to take your virginity," he jokes.
Sirius laughs again and this is good. Laughing is going to make this a lot easier. "I think you’re about to steal mine," he replies instead.
"I'm not gonna steal anything from you," Remus hums back softly.
Sirius grin becomes cheeky. "No, you're gonna give it to me, right?"
Remus can’t keep his eyes from rolling. "You're unbelievable," he chuckles. "Careful or I change my mind."
"No, you won't," Sirius teases, biting his lip.
"No, I won't," Remus agrees. And suddenly the light and funny mood calms down. They look into each other’s eyes and Remus starts to think that this is absolutely incredible. It’s possibly the middle of the night. He’s wide awake and his heart his hammering with nervousness and excitement.
Sirius leans back on the mattress, spreads his legs and then he bites his lip again as if challenging Remus. Remus on the other hand has a hard time opening up the lube bottle with shaky fingers. He lets one hand run smoothly over Sirius’s right thigh while the other scoops up some of the liquid. Sirius follows Remus’s movement with eagerness, but the second Remus reaches out and slowly circles his entrance with a slick finger Sirius’s eyes flutter close. Remus takes his time to coat the ring of muscles before very slowly, very cautiously pushing past it. Sirius’s breathing hitches.
“You need to talk to me, okay? Tell me to go slow or stop. I really don’t want to hurt you,” Remus says quietly. Sirius whispers back his agreement and Remus dares to push deeper. His gaze is fixed on Sirius’s face, observing every tiny change in his expression. He’s knuckle-deep inside of Sirius and God he’s so warm and tight Remus has to concentrate hard to not think about this feeling around another body part of his. When Sirius starts shifting his hips impatiently Remus pulls out again and then starts moving in and out of Sirius with one finger. The other man starts breathing deeper.
“Keep going,” he whispers after a while and when Remus pulls out almost all the way he slowly adds another finger. Sirius clenches around him and a pained sound escapes his lips.
“Fuck,” he rasps out, placing his arm over his face and tightening his grip on the sheets.
“Does it hurt? Should I stop?” Remus asks immediately, stilling his movement.
“No, I… mean, yes. I’m fine. Don’t stop,” he rasps out.
So, Remus keeps going. He picks up his movements again, slowly and cautiously letting both fingers move in and out of Sirius. Just the sight of it is beyond sexy and Remus’s cock starts leaking on his own stomach. After a few pushes he slightly crooks his fingers and when he pushes further Sirius clenches around him again, this time paired with a deep moan.
“Ah, fuck, Remus, that… shit, that’s it,” he groans out.
A smile spreads on Remus’s lips, and he repeats the movements until Sirius gets so loud, he dares to add a third finger. First Sirius winces again, but after some time Remus’s fingers ease in and out of him and when he crooks his fingers again Sirius arches his back.
“Oh my God, Remus… please, I’m ready, I’m ready. That’s enough, don’t make me wait any longer,” he huffs out, opening his eyes again to look at Remus pleadingly.
“You sure?” Remus asks quietly.
“Yes, please. Come here,” Sirius asks, reaching out for him.
Remus cautiously removes his fingers, rolls on the condom with slightly less shaky hands and then finally leans on top of Sirius. He places his hands on either side of his head to not put too much weight on him. “How do you want it?” he asks after placing a few kisses on Sirius’s jawline.
“Like this,” the other man rasps back. “Want to look at you.”
Remus almost groans at the confident demand. He shifts between Sirius’s parted legs, lowering down and when his tip brushes against Sirius’s hole, they both moan. Sirius’s hands are a tight grip around his upper arms. He locks eyes with the other man when he slowly starts to push inside. Sirius’s jaw tightens and his brows furrow together slightly. Remus tries to halt but when Sirius runs one hand into his hair again and pushes their lips together, Remus is so lost in their kiss that suddenly their hips are flushed together. Remus's consciousness explodes into a million pieces. Sirius clenches and fucking pulses around him. It’s tight and so hot and Remus gets lightheaded already.
Sirius whines against his lips and Remus immediately leans back to look into the other man’s face again. Sirius bites his lip and for a moment they just stay like this, entwined in each other. After another beat, Sirius releases his own lip and then nods encouragingly. Remus pulls his hips back and then slips back into Sirius again. The look of resistance is washed away from Sirius’s face. He relaxes, his hips open up on the mattress and he sighs when Remus pushes back in. And Remus has to concentrate really hard, the feeling so good he probably could come right away. He pushes in deeper, finds a rhythm and then suddenly when Sirius hocks one of his legs around his hip, the angle changes and Sirius lifts his lower back off the mattress.
“Ah, Fuck!” he moans out.
Remus startles. “What? Should I go slower?” he pants.
“No, don’t you dare!” Sirius shakes his head frantically. “Just… do that again,” he rasps. So, Remus does it again. He pulls his hips back and then snaps it forward quickly, pushing deep into Sirius’s tightness.
“Oh God,” the other man moans and then his fucking eyes roll back into his head. A vicious smile spreads on Remus’s face.
“There?” he hums, while repeating the movement, pushing their hips flush together every time.
“Yes there, fuck there. Keep going,” Sirius moans, his fingers tightening in Remus’s hair.
Remus fucks in and out of him, completely gone in another dimension of desire and want. Sirius clenches around him and starts to move his hips in sync with Remus’s.
“Oh fuck, Remus. That’s it, fuck,” he groans.
“Fuck you’re…” Remus huffs out, burying his face in the pillow beside Sirius’s head.
“What?”
“You’re getting tighter,” he rasps out. Sirius answer is another loud moan. “God, you feel incredible,” he adds. And then he shifts, sitting back on his knees and slightly pulling Sirius on top of his thighs. His gaze is fixed on the other man’s face, scrunched in pleasure. Sirius’s jaw slacks and Remus can feel his orgasm rapidly coming closer. He picks up the pace while still trying to hit the spot that makes Sirius clench around him.
“Fuck, Remus, I think ‘m close,” Sirius breathes out. And Remus doesn’t even get time to answer before Sirius comes all over his own stomach. Untouched. Remus follows quickly probably just from the sounds the other man is making, and his climax hits him so hard he nearly collapses onto Sirius who went completely limp on top of the bedsheets.
They lay entwined into each other, Remus still inside of Sirius, both desperately trying to catch their breath. Remus recovers first. He pulls out cautiously, gets rid of the condom and then shifts next to Sirius again. He pulls the smaller man towards his chest after reaching for the thin blanket and unfolds it on top of them.
Remus places one hand on top of Sirius’s chest and when his heartbeat finally slows down, Sirius opens his eyes and smiles at him softly.
“Are you alright?” Remus whispers into the dark. Suddenly scared to disturb the atmosphere with too loud a noise.
“I feel fucking brilliant,” Sirius beams back. “How long till you can go again?”
Remus huffs out a laugh. “Give me a rest, you maniac. I can feel every muscle in my body,” he chuckles.
“I’m joking,” Sirius grins back. “I’ll probably won’t be able to walk tomorrow,” he adds.
Remus frowns. “Did I hurt you badly?”
“Not at all, love. It felt fucking incredible,” he hums, placing a hand around Remus’s jaw to pull him down into a kiss. When they part, Sirius curls into Remus’s side again and this time they really sleep, deep and peacefully. “I’m really glad we met today,” Sirius adds after a moment, voice already half asleep. And when Remus drifts into unconsciousness he thinks that maybe Sirius doesn’t just mean their earthshattering sex, but something much more.
Notes:
Well, this kinda got out of hand. I ranked the story up to explicit, as you might have noticed. There will be two more flashback chapters after this one (Saturday and Sunday) and then we’ll head back to the present. There’ll be more flashbacks later on, explaining how things went from this to mortal enemies....
I really enjoyed writing this chapter, though. I love soft!Sirius and honestly, this felt like writing a completely different story where they don’t hate each other, lol.
You might also be able to tell that Before Sunrise is one of my favourite movies. The whole “two strangers, one intense day” premise kinda gave me the perfect excuse to lean into vulnerability and chemistry without a full slow-burn arc (we’ll get that in the present timeline don’t worry) and there obviously is a shortcut to intimacy as well…
Chapter 7: Flashback II
Chapter Text
Independence is still important for us though
(We realise)
It's easy to make the stupid mistake of letting go
(Do you know what I mean?)
My weaknesses, you know each and every one
(It frightens me)
But I need to drink more than you seem to think before I'm anyone's
And you know
It's a question of lust, it's a question of trust
It's a question of not letting what we've built up crumble to dust
It is all of these things and more
That keep us together
~ A Question of Lust – Depeche Mode
10 years ago - Saturday
They sleep almost until noon. When Remus opens his eyes, the sun is already high in the sky, shining through the curtains of his windows. He's normally an early riser, but he has no idea how long they stayed up last night. Besides, on most mornings he wakes up early due to a painful back or hip. Last night he slept like a baby. May it be from the exhaustion of late-night activities or just the fact that he had a warm body pressed to his side for the whole night.
He turns to the side and his gaze immediately lands on Sirius. An almost stupidly happy smile creeps onto Remus's features. Sirius looks peaceful and soft, his lips slightly parted, hair a mess on the pillow and the blanket shifted down to pool around his hips and legs.
Remus gets up with some restraint. He uses the bathroom and gets dressed. When he walks back out, Sirius has shifted to his back, and he stirs slightly at the sound of the closing bathroom door. Remus takes a step closer and leans over Sirius's side of the bed to gently run a hand over his arm and shoulder.
"Hey, don't wake up yet," he whispers into the quietness of the room. Sirius stirs again and his eyes flutter slightly. Remus’s heart squeezes in his chest at the sigh. "Just tell me if you like cinnamon rolls," he adds softly.
A sound half-snorts, half-chuckle escapes Sirius's parted lips. "Fuckin' love cinnamon rolls," he mumbles in his half sleep.
"Coffee or tea?"
"Coffee. Black," he murmurs, already drifting back into sleep again.
"Of course," Remus chuckles adoringly. "I'll be right back," he adds, and then quietly leaves his flat.
~~~~~~~~~~
When he arrives back about fifteen minutes later, Sirius seems to have just woken up fully. He smiles up at Remus and then moves into a sitting position against the headboard. He shifts slightly on the mattress and then winces.
Remus freezes. "I hurt you." It's a statement, not a question.
Sirius frowns, shakes his head repeatedly and then smiles again. "No, you didn't. Remus, relax. Like I said yesterday, I'm not some damsel in distress," his smile develops into a still-tired grin at Remus’s disbelieving glance. "And anyway, riding is much worse," he adds.
When Remus’s eyebrows shoot up, he breaks into a laugh. "Horse riding. Oh my God,” he bursts out. “But honestly, I always get a sore ass from polo. Show jumping is even worse."
"You're so weird," Remus huffs out, shaking his head, but he can’t keep the affectionate sound out of his voice.
“Good morning, by the way,” Sirius purrs when Remus places the cups and the bag filled with cinnamon rolls on his bedside table.
“Good morning,” Remus hums back, and then he leans forward to press a small kiss to Sirius’s lips out of pure instinct. The other boy doesn’t seem to mind at all. After all, he’s the one still naked underneath the thin blanket, scrunched in his lap.
“Do you mind if I step into the shower quickly before we eat?” Sirius asks, stretching his arms up above his head so that the blanket shifts even lower, revealing sharp hipbones.
“Feel free,” Remus smiles, kicking off his shoes. “Do you want something to wear after?” he adds while sitting down on the edge of the bed.
“Do you need me to cover myself?” Sirius asks back teasingly. “Sweatpants would be great, though,” he then smiles.
Remus just nods and begins to rummage through one of the boxes that contain his clothes. “There you go, they’re probably way too long though,” he speaks up, when placing a pair of thin grey sweatpants in Sirius’s lap.
“Cheers!”
“Where’s your stuff anyway?” Remus frowns a beat later.
Sirius stretches again and then stands up from the bed. Some part of Remus quite enjoys that Sirius seems to have no problem standing stark-naked in front of him., “My parents ordered my belongings directly to the dorm. I have a backpack for the weekend in a locker at the train station. Kinda forgot to grab it yesterday,” he grins. “But I have my wallet, my phone and a copy of 'Brideshead Revisited', what more could I need?” he adds jokingly.
“We could grab it later,” Remus thinks out loud and then hesitates. “Or, I mean, you could, or, er… whatever it is you have planned for today,” he rambles on.
Sirius takes a step back towards the bed and leans down slightly to look into Remus’s face. “I thought you said we’re making the best out of the weekend,” he purrs. “Unless you have other things to do,” he adds, eyebrow raised.
“Like I said, everything’s already sorted out,” Remus grins up at him. “I’m yours until Monday morning. If you want me,” he says, mirroring Sirius’s expression. Instead of an answer, Sirius just presses a quick kiss to his lips and then vanishes into the bathroom, sweatpants in hand.
~~~~~~~~~~
When he comes out of the shower, they settle on Remus’s bed for breakfast. Sirius’s hair is still damp, and the sweatpants hang low on his hips while pooling around his ankles. He looks ridiculously cute in them, and Remus has to concentrate on his cinnamon roll so as not to constantly reach out to touch him.
When they have finished their drinks, Sirius crawls on top of Remus, and for the next twenty minutes or so, they just roll around the bed, making out passionately. Sirius’s mouth tastes of black coffee, and cinnamon and the muscles of his bare back flex under Remus’s soft touches.
When Sirius rolls on his back to catch his breath, his head lands in Remus’s lap automatically, and they just stay like that for a while. Remus’s feet are propped up against the headboard, while his head is almost reaching the end of the mattress. Sirius lies diagonally across the bed, and somehow Remus’s right hand finds his hair, where he starts to absentmindedly play with Sirius’s soft curls.
"This is weird, isn't it?" Sirius asks into the silence after a moment when they were both just lost in their thoughts.
"What is?" Remus asks back, slightly craning his neck to look down at Sirius, whose head is still placed on his lower stomach.
"This? Us,” he clarifies, momentarily looking at Remus before his gaze drifts back towards the window front. “I feel like we're living in this dream. This bubble. It's like the world around us just vanished. Allowing us to be who we are apart from anyone else who exists in it," he continues in an almost hushed voice. "I feel so close to you, but it feels so… fragile."
Remus thinks about it for a moment while his hand keeps running through Sirius’s hair. He looks out the window as well and tries to imagine people walking by the building. It’s hard to think about anyone else existing outside the calmness of his flat, really.
"Like we're messing with time. Like we weren't meant to meet originally,” he thinks out loud, joining Sirius’s theory. “You were meant to come here, and I was meant to move to London, but our paths were never meant to cross. Like we're living in this parallel universe, out of time and space," he adds, voice just as soft as Sirius’s.
Sirius takes time to answer as well. Before he does, he leans up on his elbows to look at Remus, and a soft smile spread on his lips when he speaks. "No, I believe in destiny, Remus Lupin,” he winks. “I think we were meant to meet. Our paths were always meant to cross."
~~~~~~~~~~
A few minutes later, Sirius discovers Remus's record collection in one of the open boxes. Remus puts his record player back out, and they listen to Queen, David Bowie, Led Zeppelin, Fleetwood Mac, T. Rex and the Cure well into the afternoon. When the sun begins to set, they move over to OMD, Depeche Mode, Joy Division, Ultravox, Midnight Oil and A-ha. Remus probably won't ever forget Sirius's passionate choreography to ‘Take on Me’.
While Sirius is still dancing and swinging through the flat, Remus starts to prepare some dinner with the few things left in his fridge. When Sirius stops to look over his shoulder and into the simmering pot, he announces that they will need some wine for the pasta. He comes back ten minutes later, three bottles of white wine in his arms. When they have finished dinner with the first bottle, Remus has reached Sirius’s level of giddiness. There is still music playing in the background when Sirius makes a plan for their evening.
"Let's go out!" he suggests, bright-eyed and with a dopey smile plastered on his face.
Remus places his cup back down and looks at Sirius sceptically, not quite ready to leave the flat and their carefully built-up cocoon of snogging and deep talk behind.
"Come on! There have to be some great clubs around," Sirius pushes on.
There probably are, but Remus is a boring nerd, who spent almost all of his free time during grammar school in a bookstore or in hospitals. So, he has absolutely no plan of the nightlife in the city he grew up in. When Sirius is in the bathroom, he texts a quick S.O.S. to Lily, who immediately sends him back various options. Remus chooses the queer one. Obviously.
In one of the clothing boxes, he finds a crop top he once got from Lily and was never brave enough to wear. It’s dark grey, with short black sleeves and the outline of a blue star embroidered on the front. Sirius beams at the metaphor. On his smaller figure, it’s not as cropped, just leaving a small line of his abdomen exposed. Still, when he steps out of the bathroom, Remus nearly faints.
He wears his skinny jeans from yesterday and then fishes an old, worn flannel shirt out of another box. It shouldn’t even fit together, but somehow, on Sirius, it looks ridiculously hot. Like some punk rocker who doesn’t really give a shit about how he looks but pulls off his grungy stage outfits, nevertheless. Remus lets himself be persuaded to wear his high-waisted jeans, paired with a simple, tight-fitting black tank top. They finish another bottle of wine while getting ready, and then they’re out on the street again.
The nightclub, Remus leads them to, is located in an underground venue in the heart of the city. From the outside, it looks rather unimpressive. Just a black sign next to a large rainbow flag above the entrance. But when he follows Sirius down the stairs, he can already feel the bass in his chest, and when they enter the club, the room is bursting with people. No surprise on a Saturday night right before term.
For a second, they stay right in front of the entrance, mesmerized by the view in front of them. The ceiling is low, and the old cellar vault is still visible, but with the lights dancing across the walls and the glittery bodies on the dancefloor, it still seems new and intriguing. Sirius rips away from the view first. He turns around to Remus, takes his hand, and pulls him into the crowd with a broad smile.
Remus stumbles after him and then their pressed together by the dancing mess around them. Sirius starts to move to the beat and in sync with the vibe around them immediately and for a second Remus can do nothing but stare.
Because of course Sirius Black can dance. Those fucking hips. Remus can barely keep his hands to himself. He has his head thrown back, eyes closed, and then he reaches for Remus blindly, pulling him even closer. By the third song, they’re all over each other. Sirius’s hands pull at the back of Remus’s top, while his own arms are placed on top of Sirius’s shoulders.
Sirius’s hips roll against his, and when he cranes his head back again, Remus lips are on his neck in an instant, devouring the tender skin underneath his ear. The bodies around them vanish into an unknown mess, background noises to the spark that flares between them.
They dance for two hours before they decide that they want to be alone again. When Remus unlocks the door to his flat, they barely make it over the threshold before they start ripping their clothes off. They tumble towards the bed, and a blink later, Remus lies flat on his back with Sirius straddling his lap.
They’re even greedier than before, and Sirius barely gives him enough time to prep him as carefully and profoundly as he did last night. When Sirius sinks down on his cock, Remus eyes flutter shut immediately, and his hands grip the other man’s hips tightly. And Remus tells him to go slow, but Sirius rolls his hips in such an obscene way, making noises Remus never heard before, who is he to tell him to stop?
Chapter Text
I'm so used to getting damaged
Then you know I hate this part
So I gotta take advantage of a fully broken heart
Won't you stay a little longer even if it's all pretend?
And maybe by the morning, I will be ready for the end
I'm not ready to let you go
So just give me one more night
Hold me like you're still mine
Oh, love me for right now before you leave me
I know it's gonna hurt
Watching your footsteps strides
So love me for right now before you leave me
~ Before You Leave Me – Alex Warren
10 Years Ago - Sunday
"So, Sirius Black, tell me, do you believe in star signs?" Remus asks, shifting on the bed slightly to look up at Sirius who sits with his back pressed against the headboard.
“Because of my name?” he chuckles slightly in return, raising an eyebrow at Remus.
“Mm,” Remus hums, leaning up on one of his elbows and resting his chin on his hand.
"Well, I'm a Scorpio," Sirius starts, grinning down at Remus. “That means I’m living in an intense way. I’m passionate in highs as much as in lows. I can be mysterious and inscrutable,” he continues thoughtfully. “I’m very loyal, but people have to earn it. I’m brave, but can be a little too determined sometimes. I have a sense for details, and I like to analyse things. I can be painfully emotional, but also manipulative, intransigent and very, very jealous,” he ends with another broad grin.
Now it’s Remus’s turn to raise an eyebrow, half impressed, half surprised. "So, you not only believe in star signs, but in horoscopes as well?" he teases.
"Those are two completely different things," Sirius returns with faint outrage. He changes his position and crawls across the mattress to lie down on his back next to Remus. He looks up at the ceiling and continues, while Remus once again catches himself studying the other boy’s features. “When talking about horoscopes, I’d say that Scorpios do believe in soulmates because they trust in deep connections and love and are very devoted once they find the right partner,” he explains, smiling up at the ceiling. “And according to horoscopes that would be with a Cancer, Virgo, Capricorn or Pisces.”
"Pisces, really?" Remus grins and nudges Sirius in his side playfully.
"Yeah, why?" Sirius asks, glancing at Remus out of the corner of his eye.
"I'm Pisces," Remus shrugs nonchalantly.
“Mm,” Sirius furrows his brows in concentration. Then he crosses his arms behind his head and starts another listing. “Sensitive about other’s feelings, creative but can also get lost in their fantasy worlds. Caring to the point of losing themselves, strongly optimistic when it comes to their visions and dreams, tolerant and patient,” he explains. “In relationships they need honesty and loyalty, and they’re quite the romantics,” he adds with a grin towards Remus.
"Sounds about right," Remus chuckles, still glancing down at him. "So, do you come from an esoteric kind of family?" he asks further.
"Oh God, no, not at all," Sirius huffs humourlessly, his gaze shifting towards the window. "My family is really religious and... conservative," he adds hesitantly after a moment. "They’re in some kind of Catholic group or something. I never showed interest, but they often tried to convert me, obviously," he forces out, brows furrowed in what Remus by now identified as sad anger. "My childhood was filled with that stuff, my, er... esoteric spirit I got from my uncle,” he adds, finally a small smile creeping back to his features. “Alphard. He's more like me than the rest of my family could ever be. And he despised that religious bullshit as well," he finishes with a grin, before quickly glancing up at Remus with big eyes. "Wait, you're not religious, are you?"
Remus grins back and shakes his head. "I like to describe myself as agnostic," he explains with a shrug.
"What's that?"
Remus reaches out on instinct and places a calming hand on top of Sirius’s own, laying on his chest. "I accept the possibility that there is simply no way to either confirm or deny the presence of some higher spirit above. May that be a God, or the devil or some alien mentality."
"Sounds about right," Sirius nods slowly while absentmindedly intertwining their fingers.
"Yeah, live and let live, I think," Remus says with another shrug. "Although I absolutely don't accept when people use their religion and faith as an excuse to spread hate into the world," he adds solemnly after a beat.
Sirius starts drawing circles on the back of Remus hand, but his movements falter when he speaks up again. "Yeah, I'm having a hard time accepting anything the church does when they just keep thinking certain groups of people are beneath their dignity or whatever," he frowns.
"Mm," Remus hums in agreement.
"Although they do have nice buildings," Sirius adds with a smile audible in his voice.
"What?" Remus chuckles, pulled out of his thoughts.
"Churches," Sirius clarifies, smiling back up at Remus. "I think, architecturally, they’re very interesting, very impressive buildings," he deadpans, and Remus snorts before nodding along.
"Yeah, true," he agrees. "I like cemeteries as well."
Now it’s Sirius’s turn to huff a disbelieving laugh. "What? Why?"
"I don't know,” he shrugs. “Sometimes I just take a walk over a cemetery and it's, I don't know... calming? It's not even that much about death or anything. It's just about kinda feeling close to... I don't know, origin? Or... or just the concept of transience?"
"I don't understand a word you're saying, and yet I still feel like I know what you're talking about," Sirius answers right away.
"Yeah?" Remus chuckles, biting his lip in the process.
"Yeah," Sirius nods, and for a beat they just stare into each other’s eyes. God, Remus thinks. This is getting ridiculous. I’ll never be able to let him go.
After a moment of shared silence, Sirius rips his gaze away again and picks up his fiddling with Remus’s hand. "There might also be a bit of this morbid passion and desire. Like how you feel when reading ‘Dracula’," he thinks out loud.
"Yeah,” Remus nods, trying to get his own thoughts clear. “Or like giving something back to the world. Like we come from earth, and we go back into it. Like atoms and molecules. What we humans are made of. And when we die, we give it all back to earth to… grow into a tree maybe," he adds and then immediately cracks up at how utterly gone this sounded.
Sirius joins in his outburst quickly. "Jesus, Remus, what did you put into the coffee we had earlier?"
~~~~~~~~~~
They stay like this for a while, Remus’s hand still placed on Sirius’s chest, focusing on the rise and fall of his breathing and the soft thud of his heart underneath. It’s calming, and combined with the light strokes of Sirius’s fingers, he gets lost in his own thoughts. Both of their gazes are fixed on the bright blue sky visible from their position on the bed. Remus can hear faint noises from the street in front of his building. Tourists on a Sunday Walk or students on their way to some day-drinking. But even with the buzzing outside, it’s still easy to get lost in their own little world they created during the last two days.
After some time, Sirius’s eyes are back on him and when he glances down, the other man blinks up at him with some sort of tired happiness.
"So, Remus Lupin, tell me, are you into Roman mythology?" Sirius murmurs, his lips parting into a teasing smile.
“Because of my name?” Remus chuckles, his thumb stroking across Sirius’s sternum.
“Obviously,” he nods, and Remus can feel the vibration of the word beneath his finger.
"I actually prefer the Greek one," he admits after a moment. "Or, well, no, scratch that, they're not that different from each other anyway. Let's just say I feel more drawn towards the Greek one."
"Yeah? How's that?" Sirius keeps asking while shifting his head slightly to get a better look at Remus.
Remus licks his lips and thinks about the question for a moment before answering. "During my childhood, when my parents were still happy and together, we did a lot of vacations on various Greek islands," he starts. "My father would do his studies, my mother did cooking classes and herb courses and stuff, and I would read for like the whole bloody day, finishing book after book," he adds, a smile forming on his lips due to the memories. Sirius mirrors his expression and softly squeezes his hand, wordlessly encouraging him to keep going. "Then in the evening, we would all meet up to have dinner and tell each other about our, let's call it researches," Remus continues with a small chuckle. "One summer I read Homer's Illiad, I must have been eight or nine, and after that I never read anything but Greek mythology when being on holiday. It's also a big part of my love for literature in general."
"You read the Illiad at the age of eight?” Sirius asks disbelievingly, his eyebrows raised in surprise.
“Or nine,” Remus grins back.
“Jesus, you sound like the definition of an academic family," the other man chuckles and shakes his head in admiration. "What do you like about Greek mythology so much?" he asks after a moment, and Remus’s heart flutters at the obvious and deep interest in his person.
"The bittersweetness of tragedy," he answers without missing a beat.
"Explain," Sirius smiles.
For a moment Remus thinks about the perfect answer, worrying his lip absentmindedly in the process. Sirius still glances up at him patiently. When Remus starts talking, his chest clenches. "When Patroclus sacrifices his life for Achilles, it's not just sad, it's tragic. He follows him to Troy out of pure trust and devotion. He wants to be by his side even in dark times, and there is nothing, not even a war, that could separate them. And when he dies it's because of an act of true and selfless and mindless love," he stops, catches Sirius’s eyes and then quickly looks out of the window again. "And in the grand scheme of things, the love between Patroclus and Achilles stretches across time. Every time someone tells their story, they're reunited. Every time someone sacrifices something for love, their love is reborn," he adds, his voice quieter now, and when he dares to look back at Sirius’s face, the other man smiles up at him softly.
Instead of an answer, Sirius leans up on his elbow as well to be on Remus’s level. He looks at him for what feels like eternity. Their eyes lock and Remus’s breath catches until Sirius shifts to lean over and kiss him senseless.
~~~~~~~~~~
After another snogging session, they continue with their deep talk, asking each other questions they never answered before. They laugh and smile and kiss and stare at each other as if some of those answers are to be found behind the brightness of each other’s eyes.
And when Sirius discovers his old Polaroid camera on his nightstand, they start taking pictures of each other. Remus smiles stupidly through the lens when Sirius poses in front of the window in just his boxer briefs, casually leaning against the kitchen counter. And he smiles even more when Sirius leans over him, straddling his lap and pointing the camera in his face while Remus lies spreads across the mattress, arms crossed behind his head, blinking up at Sirius. They don’t say it out loud, but it’s probably supposed to be a piece of memory for each of them to keep.
Although during all of the weekend, they never talk about parting ways. They never talk about meeting again either. They don’t think about what would happen if Remus wouldn’t have to leave. Or who they would be if they met at a different time or place. Both of them seem to wordlessly agree on the fact that it's just the way it is. That for them it might just be this weekend and that it’s sad but that no one will ever be able to take that away from them. Just like Patroclus and Achilles, the memory will stretch across time.
They sleep with each other two more times during their last evening together. First in a heated, passionate and greedy way. It’s fast and sweaty and dirty and sloppy and so fucking hot. They change positions and Remus pulls Sirius’s hair, pins his hands above his head and fucks into him and Sirius starts moaning in French when he reaches his first orgasm. The second time is slow and tender. They take time and it feels painfully like a goodbye.
When Remus wakes up in the middle of the night, he takes a moment to just look at Sirius’s sleeping features. Then he stands up and reaches for the copy of ‘Brideshead Revisited’ that lies on the pile of Sirius’s clothes. He takes a pen and starts writing to the inside of the cover.
I thought my new life would start in London, but damn, Sirius Black, I think it already started when I first looked into your eyes.
Remember what the poets say: you always meet twice.
Until then
Forever yours in memory
Remus
It’s cheesy, probably even romantic and he might regret it in the morning, but he’s half asleep and tomorrow Sirius is going to leave, and Remus will never be able to say something like this to his face. He places the Polaroid Sirius took of him between the pages, puts the book back down and cuddles next to Sirius again.
When Remus wakes up on Monday morning, it is in an empty bed. So what? Sirius saved them both the awkward situation where they have to say goodbye, knowing that they probably won't ever see each other again.
They do, however, see each other again. But that is not until six years later. In the meantime, Remus finishes college, meets new people, starts and ends various situationships and two mildly serious relationships. But during all this time he never forgets the weekend he met Sirius Black. And sometimes, late at night, he’s haunted by memories of soft grey eyes and skin against skin.
Notes:
Hope you enjoyed this little fluffy excursion! Next chapter we'll be back in the present.
Chapter 9: Anger I
Chapter Text
It was last December
You were layin' on my chest
I still remember
I was scared to take a breath, didn't want you to move your head
How can we go back to being friends
When we just shared a bed?
How can you look at me and pretend
I'm someone you've never met?
~ Back to Friends – Sombr
When autumn shifts into winter, the temperatures get colder, the rain turns to light snow, and Remus and Sirius start to move into Lily’s and James’s house. They don’t do it all in one go. There are no moving vans or furniture at all. It’s just boxes, one at a time, like they’re slowly, very slowly, easing into the new situation. It takes time but suddenly there are Remus’s books lying all around the living room. Various of Sirius’s expensive hair products decorating the bathroom upstairs. Remus’s favourite cups in the cabinet over the sink, and Sirius’s Tarantino collection in the cabinet underneath the TV. Remus’s jumpers and zippers and Sirius’s flannels and leather jackets.
They manage just fine, both adjusting around each other surprisingly smoothly and without much fighting. It’s when Remus brings in his last box at the beginning of December that it starts getting awkward. He walks into the house, box in his arms, while Sirius leans over the kitchen counter, typing something on his phone. Remus tries to kick off his wet shoes with the box still in his hands. He shifts to the side slightly, the box tilts over, and due to the abrupt movement, his notebook from the top of the pile falls down to the floor.
It's like he sees it sailing through the air in slow motion. It lands on the floor between the two of them, falls open and reveals either a pessimistic poem or the plot idea for a historical novel. Remus wrote a lot of awkward stuff when he started college. He can't quite make it out, but either way, he's more concerned about the other piece of memory that fell out of the book and now lies directly in front of Sirius’s wool-socked foot.
It's a polaroid. No, scratch that. It's the polaroid. Of course it is. Remus took it ten years ago on a Sunday morning in late September. People who didn't know him back then probably wouldn't even recognise Sirius right away. And not just because in the picture he is a decade younger, but because there is bright sunlight behind him, creeping through the windows of Remus's old flat.
So, on first sight, the person in the middle of the photo isn't much more than a handsome, tight-boxer-wearing silhouette. Only on closer inspection would someone recognise the sharp jawline, the soft, but messy curls and the smile. God, that smile. It's a beautiful picture, one of the best, no, probably the best Remus has ever taken. That’s why he kept it, after all.
And obviously, Sirius immediately recognises the picture, recognises himself in the picture, because he was fucking there when it was taken. For a moment, they just stand across from each other, both staring down at the polaroid on the floor. Then Sirius takes a step closer and for one crazy second, Remus thinks that he's about to pick it up. Instead, as usual, Sirius just bolts.
After that, it’s tense for almost two weeks. Sirius is overly polite but avoids Remus at all costs. Their weekly schedule becomes fuller and fuller, and Sirius comes back late at night whenever he’s not in charge of Harry, being God knows where, fucking God knows who. And Remus is still thankful that Sirius isn’t bringing any women home, he really is. But the more Sirius withdraws, the more Remus feels the urge to change something about their current situation. When he lies in bed at night, not able to sleep, sorrow and grief creeping up his chest, he likes to torture himself with various scenarios of how to confront Sirius with the past.
There is the overly polite and mature version which involves asking Sirius if they could have a talk after dinner. He would sit him down on the couch and ask him to just be honest with each other. He would probably have to lock the doors first, so Sirius couldn’t run away again. And then they would talk and explain each of their views and share feelings. And this is probably the most unlikely version of all.
The next one involves a lot of bickering and teasing. Remus considers provoking Sirius until he’s going to break. He knows how to get under the other man’s skin. And there are hundreds of things he could say to trigger an outburst or at least a fucking reaction at all. But Sirius isn’t stupid, and he would see his plan coming from miles away, so it would probably just end in him withdrawing even more.
The next scenario is the most fun, and Remus enjoys thinking about it endlessly. Caging Sirius in, pinning him against a wall, or forcing him to be pressed against a table, or even locking him into the store cupboard. Using his high and his strength over Sirius to just straight down force the other man to talk, to finally admit. It’s fun to think about, but obviously Remus won’t do that either. Withdrawing is annoying but scaring him away would make Remus hate himself.
And sometimes, only sometimes, when Remus is on the brink of falling asleep, he thinks about a fourth option. The one where he slowly, cautiously seduces Sirius. Where he shows him what he’s been missing out. Where he teases as long as it takes until Sirius just combusts out of lust and want. This scenario is the best, because always in his imagination, Sirius would break and crumble and beg. And Remus would pick him up and then they would start over where they left off.
But in the end, Remus does nothing at all. He just endures the atmosphere, gets lost in work and waits for Sirius to come around.
~~~~~~~~~~
Shortly before Christmas, the atmosphere switches again. Sometimes Sirius is so fast in changing moods, Remus fears he might get whiplash.
He enters the house after a long day at the store, dominated by impatient Christmas shoppers, and is immediately greeted by Sirius's soft voice filling the living room.
“Sleep, my star, the night is deep,
The moon will guard you while you sleep.
A wolf walks softly through the glade,
Where dreams are born and fears will fade.”
He closes the door slowly with a noiseless thud and walks over to the end of the entryway, still trying not to make a sound.
“A noble stag stands proud and tall,
Beside the trees where shadows fall.
A faithful dog with eyes so bright,
Will chase your worries through the night.”
Sirius sits in one of the armchairs with Harry lying pressed against his chest, face hidden in the fabric of his sweater. Remus halts in the doorway, his breath lost somewhere between his lungs and his mouth. One of Sirius’s hands is placed cautiously on top of Harry’s head, smoothing down his hair in soft strokes while his gentle voice soothes him into sleep. Remus’s whole body aches at the scene in front of him.
“A gentle doe, so kind and near,
Will calm your cries and hush your fear.
Above you shines one glowing star,
They watch you always, near or far.”
Sirius notices his presence although he still stands frozen in the half-light of the corridor. He looks almost caught but only for a split second, and he doesn’t stop singing. He holds Remus’s gaze, still stroking Harry’s hair, and ends the lullaby, his voice not much more than a whisper, and still the words cut right through Remus’s chest.
“So sleep, sweet child, the world is wide,
But love will always stand beside.
For you they’d cross the darkest skies,
Four stars that shine in your brave eyes.”
When silence spreads through the room and Sirius still looks up at him, Remus dares to take a step closer towards the sitting area.
"Hey," Sirius greets with an almost shy smile, his voice still quiet.
"Hey," Remus whispers back. "That was...” he clears his throat softly before his eyes land back on the other man. “What was that?" he asks hesitantly.
A small smile creeps onto Sirius’s features, and he looks down at Harry for a second before catching Remus’s gaze again. "You told me to sing more appropriate lullabies to Harry. So, I wrote one."
"You wrote that?" Remus asks further, unable to keep the surprise from his voice.
Sirius just nods. "Yeah, don't you like it?"
"I...,” Remus has to clear his throat again, his voice suddenly feeling too tight. “…liked it. Very poetic and... sweet," he adds with a smile.
Sirius’s own smile develops into a crooked grin. "You sound surprised," he huffs out.
"Maybe I am," Remus admits, and when his eyes lock onto Sirius’s, he thinks he sees something shift behind them.
“Listen, I-,” Sirius is interrupted by Harry, who stirs and then slightly coughs in his sleep.
Remus’s attention shifts instantly. “Since when’s this happening?” he frowns, taking another step closer and squatting down next to the armchair to cautiously place a hand on Harry’s back. He can feel the next cough vibrate through the whole upper body of the little toddler.
Sirius sighs, and when Remus looks back up, his brows are furrowed in worry. “He already had trouble sleeping earlier because of it. That’s why I’m down here with him. I wanted to know what you think of it,” he looks at Remus while biting his lip.
“Doesn’t sound that good to me,” Remus thinks out loud, still soothing his hand over Harry’s back. “I can open the store a little later tomorrow morning and go to his pediatrician with him,” he suggests and immediately, Sirius looks a little less stressed.
“Really?”
“Yeah, sure,” Remus nods solemnly. “You’ve got that training session tomorrow, haven’t you?”
“Yes,” Sirius nods back, looking almost surprised that Remus memorized his timetable. “Thanks, Remus,” he adds after a while.
“Well, better be safe than sorry,” Remus smiles, desperately wanting to wash even that last bit of worry off Sirius’s face. “I’m sure it’s nothing bad.”
~~~~~~~~~~
That’s how Remus finds himself at Harry’s pediatrician a week before Christmas. The doctor’s office is mentioned in Harry’s files, and the phone number is pinned to the board in the kitchen. But anyway, Remus has already heard of the man who is Harry’s pediatrician. Lily was really unhappy with the first one. Dr. Umbridge seemed to be cold-hearted and condescending, and Lily had wondered what made her want to work with children in the first place. So, she and James had searched for a new doctor, and when they found Dr. Montgomery, or Sebastian, they were immediately thrilled by his kindness and patience and professionalism.
On top of that, Lily kept pointing out how ridiculously hot he was. At first, Remus had wondered why James was so cool about it, but then his friend revealed that apparently Dr. Montgomery had the biggest fucking pride flag hanging over the reception desk, and another, smaller one, attached to his doctor’s coat. That’s when Remus understood what the plan behind Lily’s praise really was, and it was confirmed when she casually told him that he could come with her to Harry’s next vaccination appointment. He didn’t come along, because by now he was a pro at escaping Lily’s matchmaking attempts.
But obviously fate kept coming around to bite Remus in the ass, because now he had no other choice but to actually meet Dr. Montgomery, or Sexgod Sebastian as Lily liked to call him. He calls the office first thing the next morning, and he must sound desperate, because the woman on the other end of the line manages to put him into Dr. Montgomery’s lunch break. If he wasn’t so worried for Harry, Remus would feel guilty about it.
It’s on his way to the doctor’s office that he remembers that Dr. Montgomery and his employees probably were informed about Harry’s new life situation. His suspicion is confirmed when the woman behind the counter looks at him with sympathetic eyes and leads him directly towards the surgery instead of asking him to sit down in the waiting area.
When Dr. Montgomery enters the room shortly after, Remus has to keep his jaw from dropping, because Lily was one hundred percent right. This man indeed is ridiculously hot. Not in a Sirius kind of way, more like the exact opposite. Where Sirius’s sexiness is mysterious, almost dangerous, made out of starlight and smoke, this man is pure sunshine and freckles.
He’s tall, almost as tall as Remus, he has gold-blond hair that falls softly into his face, and his white coat stands in stark contrast to the tan that’s peeking out at the collar and at his wrists, and that should be completely out of place in late December, but somehow matches the whole package. His eyes are a bright kind of blue that reminds Remus of summer days at the seaside, and when he smiles there are small dimples forming next to his full lips.
He's in front of Remus with two long strides across the room and shakes his hand with a warm but firm grip.
Remus squeezes back and shifts Harry in his arms. “Dr. Montgomery, thank you so much for sacrificing your lunch break,” he starts right away, slight guilt still pressing onto him.
“Sebastian, please,” the other man smiles back with warm eyes. “And really, that goes without saying,” he assures him before finally letting go of his hand and taking a step back. His gaze shifts towards Harry in Remus’s arms and his expression turns grave. “We were so sorry when we heard what happened,” he presses out softly, and in his eyes, Remus can see that he really is affected by the events.
“Thank you,” Remus rasps out quietly.
Sebastian’s eyes are back on him and a sad smile creeps back to his lips. “You must be Remus, Harry’s godfather,” he states. “Lily told me a lot about you.”
“Oh, yeah?” Remus asks, feeling his cheeks heat up slightly. Seems like Lily was serious about her matchmaking plans. “She told me a lot about you too,” he admits before slightly backtracking. “I mean, Lily and James were both more than happy with your work.”
“That’s nice to hear,” Sebastian nods in return before straightening up slightly and putting his hands on his waist. “So, how can I help you and the little one today?” he asks, smiling down at Harry, who has his face pressed to Remus’s chest.
“Oh, er,” Remus draws his attention towards his godson as well. “He started coughing badly last night and had a hard time sleeping,” he starts. “Maybe it’s nothing, serious but I didn’t want to just give him anything without knowing what we’re dealing with.”
“That’s good. It’s always better to check, that’s what I’m here for, after all,” Sebastian smiles reassuringly again. He gestures towards the examination table in the middle of the room wordlessly, and Remus places Harry down, letting Sebastian take over.
“Has he been eating normally?” he asks, while softly examining Harry’s throat and chest.
“Yes, no loss in appetite as far as I can tell. I’ve been giving him self-made mash only, ‘cause that’s what James did as well and I didn’t want to risk losing that routine,” Remus explains, trying his best to sound like a caring and responsible guardian.
“That’s really solicitous,” Sebastian smiles up at him through full, blonde lashes before taking the stethoscope off his neck.
“Well, I keep thinking I’m doing everything wrong,” Remus admits, watching as Sebastian presses the instrument to Harry’s ribcage, his eyes distant as he listens carefully. “Lily and James were the first of my friends to become parents,” he adds when the other man straightens back up. “I don’t really have experience with children at all, and they were just perfect parents really. I try, but I probably won’t ever be able to live up to that.”
Sebastian’s attention is back on him and his lips part into an honest smile. “Don’t be too hard on yourself. Under those circumstances, it’s completely normal to struggle. Parents don’t always need to be perfect, so you don’t need to have all the answers either,” he says softly. “As far as I can tell, Harry is doing more than fine, and that’s obviously your credit,” he adds with a small wink.
He pushes Harry’s t-shirt back down and Harry looks up at him as if he’s just as mesmerized as Remus is by the doctor. “It’s just a little cold, nothing too serious,” Sebastian explains, running a soothing hand over Harry’s back. “He’s got no temperature and that’s the most important part. I’ll give you something against the cough and you just have to keep an eye out for a fever. If he loses his appetite or burns up, you should come again, but I’m certain it’s going to be better in a few days,” he adds, looking from Harry back up at Remus.
“Thank you,” Remus breathes out, immensely relieved.
“Nothing to thank me for,” Sebastian smiles again before lifting Harry up and placing him back into Remus’s awaiting arms. He turns towards his desk in the corner of the room and starts to quickly scribble something down on two separate pieces of paper. When he turns back around, there is an almost apologetic kind of grin on his lips. “This is the cough syrup and this…,” he hands Remus the other note. “…is for you.”
Remus lifts the note up and reads out aloud. “Bottle of red or white wine, 1-2 glasses in the evening with or after dinner,” he says, and then can’t help but chuckle slightly.
“You deserve to have some time for yourself, relax a little,” Sebastian adds with a shrug, and Remus chuckles again.
“I’m gonna try,” he nods, and because both of his hands are full, Sebastian reaches over and squeezes his arm softly as a good-bye.
“See you soon, Remus, or well, hopefully not too soon,” he smiles. “Take care,” he adds, and then walks over towards the door to open it up for Remus and Harry.
“Thank you,” Remus says and then nods. “Sebastian,” he adds, his voice a little raw.
Sebastian nods back and then bites his lip, and damn, Remus desperately needs to check if Harry might be in need of some vaccinations in the future.
Chapter 10: Anger II
Notes:
I finally found the time to create a playlist with the songs I'm listening to while writing: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4ixfyUsGBmusgN5i8F9WED?si=b0368e797b764c82
Chapter Text
I really hate the way you think that you can get away
By blaming all your stupid problems on your mental state
I'm tired of burnt out lies, oh
You think you know me, but you hardly even know yourself
I'd bite my tongue and let you think I only wish you well
I don't, I know you know it
And I'm tired of letting someone get the best of me, so go ahead and
Cry, cry
Go ahead and ruin someone else's life
Cry, cry
Go bug somebody else, so I can sleep at night
~ Cry – Benson Boone
Two days after his visit to the doctor and when Harry’s coughing is much better, Remus decides to hand in Sebastian’s prescription. He buys himself a bottle of white wine on his way back from work, puts Harry to bed and then sits down on the couch with a glass and a book. When Sirius gets home an hour later, the bottle is half empty and Remus is a little tipsy.
He looks up at Sirius, who takes off his jacket and boots and waves awkwardly with the book his hand.
Sirius’s gaze shifts from the cover to the wineglass in his other hand. "Are we celebrating a little party?" he asks mockingly, eyebrows raised.
"It's just what the doctor ordered," Remus chuckles, although it comes out more like a silly giggle.
Sirius’s eyebrows raise even higher. "Excuse me?"
Remus grins and puts the glass back down on the table at his feet. "Harry's pediatrician. He told me that it's important to loosen up sometimes. And that I need to treat myself once in a while," he shrugs nonchalantly although he can feel his cheeks slightly heating up. Maybe he can blame it on the alcohol.
Sirius scoffs and marches over to the fridge. "I think we should change the pediatrician," he murmurs under his breath.
"What? Why?" Remus frowns, craning his neck to look at Sirius who pulls out the leftovers from yesterday.
Sirius huffs humorlessly again and then shuts the door of the fridge with more force than necessary. "Because it seems a little unprofessional to me to suggest to a freshly made guardian to get drunk on a Thursday night," he calls over his shoulder while putting the pasta Remus made into the microwave.
"Nah, he's not unprofessional,” Remus smiles to himself, ignoring Sirius’s passive aggression. “He's really good actually. Gorgeous with kids. I think Harry likes him as well," he adds, reaching for his glass again and taking another sip.
Sirius finally turns around and glares at him over the kitchen counter. "Oh, in that case we're definitely looking for another pediatrician," he forces out.
"You're not making sense," Remus huffs and empties his glass.
"And you have a crush on Harry's doctor,” Sirius returns without hesitation, pointing an accusing finger in Remus’s direction. “Which is extremely unprofessional," he adds.
"Oh, come off it," Remus chuckles, knowing damn well this is gonna provoke Sirius even more. But sometimes he just can’t help himself. "And I don't."
"Yeah, sure. Whatever," Sirius snaps, turning back towards the microwave to get out his food. He carries the plate over to the dining table and pulls out a chair. Purposefully sitting down with his back turned to Remus on the couch.
And normally Remus would just let it pass. Normally Remus likes to avoid confrontations. But he's a little drunk, so he likes to dig. After all they always bickered the most when both of them were three gin and tonics in.
"Oh, and you mean to tell me that you're completely sober every time you're coming home late because you just carried off some poor woman to your flat?" he asks sweetly. Sirius’s shoulders tense immediately.
"Are you implying that I need alcohol to shag women," he grits out, not turning around.
"Not what I said," Remus mumbles under his breath.
"No?” Sirius asks, standing back up and facing Remus. “What was it then? Do you expect me to log my one-night stands into your stupid weekly schedule?" His voice raises and he crosses his arms in front of his chest. Remus blinks up at him innocently. "Because I hate to tell you Lupin, but those things normally happen spontaneously," he adds with a vicious half smile. "Like I just go home from work, I drive past a bar and then it basically just happens," he shrugs, looking smug.
"Ha, a bar,” Remus snorts. “So, you do need to be drunk. Or is it the women you need to make drunk in order to go home with you," he adds and the second the sentence slips out of his mouth he knows that he crossed a line.
Sirius’s bright eyes turn into slits. "Careful, Remus. Whatever you're trying to imply, you should really ask yourself if you want the conversation to head in this direction."
And Remus honestly doesn't know if Sirius means the fact that he just said that he's making women drunk on purpose or if he's talking about something else entirely.
Sirius uncrosses his arms and takes a step towards Remus. "Every woman I'm taking home with me is coming one hundred percent willingly, just so you know,” he grits out emotionlessly. “Don't try to make me look like some creep just because you're getting no sex at all," he adds, the provocative spark back in his eyes. Ah, so that’s his strategy again.
"You know what?” Remus asks, finally getting up from the couch as well, and it’s pathetic but he always feels better towering over Sirius during an argument. “I should probably be thankful that you’re not bringing them here. And just because I don't need various one-night stands to distract myself from the fact that my best friends just died, doesn't mean I'm getting no sex at all," he adds, his voice a low growl. Sirius face hardens and he’s about to say something, but Remus isn’t done yet. "Do whatever you wanna do as long as it doesn't stand in the way of your responsibility towards Harry."
"Says the one who plans to shag his pediatrician," Sirius hisses through gritted teeth.
"At least that would be a mature choice," Remus fires back.
"Oh, so I'm immature now?" Sirius asks rhetorically, his voice getting louder again.
"Just saying,” Remus shrugs, leaning against the back of the couch with faint calmness. “Sometimes it really feels like I'm the legal guardian of not one but two toddlers," he adds, giving Sirius’s tense posture a once over as if to prove his point.
Instead of freaking out like Remus expected him to, Sirius just deflates and walks back towards the table. "You're an asshole when you're drunk," he answers over his shoulder.
"Yeah, same," Remus returns weakly.
"Fuck you, Remus," Sirius grits out.
"No, fu-" his accusation is interrupted by the doorbell. For a moment they stand frozen across from each other. When the doorbell rings again, Sirius unfreezes and quickly moves to open it. Remus stays rooted where he is, his head suddenly catching up with all the wine he drank. Sirius comes back into the living room rushed and breathless.
"Who is it?" Remus asks confused. Sirius ignores him and instead starts putting various items that lay around into cupboards and drawers.
"What? What is it?" Remus frowns, following Sirius frantic movements.
Sirius points over his shoulder towards the staircase that’s leading to the first floor. "Go! Take a shower!" he hisses at him.
"What?" Remus asks, confused. "Why are we whispering?" he adds.
Finally, Sirius turns to him. His eyes are huge and his whole body seems under pressure. "Take a shower and try to become that annoyingly mature and responsible person again,” he rushes. “It's the woman from the welfare office. The social worker."
"What?” Remus panics. “It's eight p.m. and nearly Christmas. Is she crazy?" he nearly shrieks.
"I don't bloody know,” Sirius hisses back. “Go! Take a shower. I need sober Remus. Now!"
Remus doesn’t hesitate. He rushes towards the staircase and then quickly turns back around and nearly slips and falls due to his movement. He balances with one hand on the railing and then snaps multiple times towards the table in front of the couch to get Sirius’s attention.
"The wine! Over there. Quick,” he whisper-shouts. “Put it away!" he adds before running up the stairs, taking two steps at a time.
~~~~~~~~~~
When he comes back down, wet hair dripping onto his sweater, Sirius finally let the poor woman into the warmth of their living room. They’re already sitting at the dining table across from each other. When Remus reaches the end of the staircase, the young woman turns around, smiles and stands up to reach for Remus’s hand.
She introduces herself as Marlene McKinnon. She has long blond hair, which falls over her shoulders in wild curls. She’s wearing a Fleetwood Mac t-shirt and has a septum piercing. Overall, she’s not exactly what Remus pictured when Mary told them there would be a social worker coming by, and he feels his stiff shoulders relaxing a bit.
Sirius already made some tea, and he pointedly pushes an extra-large cup in front of Remus when he sits down next to him.
“Now that we’re all present, I like to repeat myself. I’m sorry about the late disturbance,” the woman speaks up. “But my visits need to be spontaneous, and on top of that, I thought it might be useful to check in before Christmas. The holidays can be a time ripe for disagreements, and I like to get to know your situation before we can all get into the festive mood,” she keeps going with a suppressed grin. Oh, if only she knew, Remus thinks.
Sirius and Marlene – as she insists to be called – already seem to have talked about the basics, because she jumps right in, making Remus almost choke on his first sip of tea. “So how is the bedroom situation, if I may ask,” she starts casually, looking from Sirius over at Remus.
“Sorry?” Remus asks back weakly.
“The bedrooms? Do you share?” she repeats, and Remus brain short circuits. When both of them still just look at her confused, she chuckles slightly and then clarifies. “I’m asking if you’re sleeping with each other.”
“No!” they both blurt out immediately.
“Good,” Marlene smiles neutrally. Remus frowns. “I mean don’t get me wrong, I can’t tell you what to do,” she adds with another polite smile. “But sex makes everything more complicated. The situation is already complicated – for Harry most of all. So, I’m just asking you to keep that in mind.”
For a moment Remus just stares at her. Then he dares one glance at Sirius, who looks like he’s about to be sick. Remus leans back in his chair, annoyed again and huffs a laugh. “He’s not into men, so there is nothing to be worried about,” he clarifies. Marlene raises her eyebrows and beside him, Sirius tenses.
“Okay, none of my business, but fine,” Marlene nods, her gaze flying back and forth between the two of them. “It’s not just about the sex you could possibly have with each other, though,” she keeps going. “I’m talking about relationships in general. You’re both single, yes?” she asks. Remus and Sirius confirm with a silent nod. Marlene smiles in return. “I obviously won’t ask you to stop dating,” she shrugs honestly. “But I will ask you to start thinking about Harry before anything else,” she adds, her face becoming sterner. “If this is supposed to work out, he has to be your top priority.”
“He already is,” Sirius speaks up, leaning further onto the table as if to prove his determination.
“I want to believe that,” Marlene nods, a small smile back on her face. Her eyes shift from Sirius to Remus and back again, and Remus can’t help but think that she seems painfully observant. But after all that’s probably what all of this is about. “Listen, it’s not my job to come here and control you and tell you off and frighten you to take Harry away. It’s my job to help you to ease into this new situation and to make it work. Because I want you to make it work,” she explains with a firm expression.
“I really want you to become a family and take care of Harry. But I won’t lie,” she adds, a frown developing on her face. “This is an extremely unusual situation and although it’s none of my business, I can sense the uneasiness between the two of you,” she keeps going and her statement makes both Remus and Sirius shift in their seats, slightly embarrassed. “My job is Harry, not your relationship towards each other, but I suggest you sort it out – whatever it is. For Harry’s sake,” she ends with a smile.
Both of them nod repeatedly and then the tension is finally gone. They talk to Marlene about their timetable and how they worked out a system to care for Harry and then show her around the house. When she leaves and wishes them a merry Christmas, she seems satisfied.
~~~~~~~~~~
The holidays pass by like almost every other weekend does. With both of them having no family left, they spent it with Lily and James for the last four years and there is no excuse to do it any other way this time. Remus wants to at least suggest that it would be fine for Sirius to visit his brother, but he has no idea what kind of relationship they have – and technically he doesn’t even know about Regulus, because Sirius never talked about him in Remus’s presence ever again. So, asking him about it would come close to confronting him about that weekend. And this is ridiculous. Remus is a coward.
On Christmas Eve they do a movie night. Fluffy children’s movies first, and when they put Harry to bed, they move over to more adult-ish stuff. They watch 'Die Hard' and 'Iron Man 3', probably both not keen on romantic comedies. So when Sirius suggests 'Love Actually' next, Remus is more than surprised.
On Christmas Day Remus spends the majority of his time in the kitchen, searching for distraction in the preparations for a fancy dinner, while Sirius and Harry take a walk in the park. Dinner passes by in a blur of politeness, and when Harry is sound asleep on the couch, Sirius suddenly crumbles down and Remus cries silent tears as well, but does the only thing he’s capable of: he gets out another bottle of James’s good stuff. They don’t talk, and this time Sirius doesn’t lay his head on Remus’s lap either. They just watch 'Love Actually' for the second time and cry and empty half of the bottle and cry some more and then go to bed.
On Boxing Day Sirius has an event at the rowing club and Remus is thankful. He bakes cookies with Harry and goes for a walk and reads to him and then puts him to bed. Sirius comes home in the middle of the night and Remus bites his tongue so as not to make a comment.
For New Year’s Eve, they’re invited over to the Weasleys, and Remus is thankful he doesn’t have to spend another traditional holiday alone with Sirius, because with all the festive and cozy mood he can feel his resistance slipping, and he’s probably just one crying 'Love Actually'-session away from confronting Sirius about the past through tears and screams.
So, New Year’s with the Weasleys is the perfect distraction. There are a bunch of children, and Fred and George especially are delighted to spend the night with Remus and Sirius. They ask about Sirius’s band and Remus’s time in London, and there is a lot of laughter that keeps Remus’s mind from turning towards sorrow and grief. At midnight they all stand in front of the house to watch the fireworks. Sirius has Harry snuggled against his chest in a soft carrier, and something deep inside of Remus melts and yearns at the sight of them. When the clock strikes twelve and everyone around them cheers, Sirius turns towards him with sad eyes and a soft smile.
“I wouldn’t want to do this with anyone but you,” he whispers, barely audible over the exploding fireworks in the distance. And Remus smiles back, but then he has to turn his face away to hide the tears in his eyes.
Chapter 11: Flashback IV
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place
And I can picture it after all these days
And I know it's long gone and that magic's not here no more
And I might be okay but I'm not fine at all
'Cause there we are again on that little town street
You almost ran the red 'cause you were lookin' over at me
Wind in my hair, I was there
I remember it all too well
And maybe we got lost in translation
Maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there
I remember it all too well
~ All Too Well – Taylor Swift
4 years ago
It's not like Remus thinks about that magical weekend between school and college often, because really, he doesn't. Just sometimes, when he listens to ‘Take on Me’ by A-ha, or smells a hint of cinnamon, or when he gazes into the nightsky and catches a glimps of the star Sirius was named after, he allows himself to be reminded of soft grey eyes and soft black curls and even softer lips.
And those are good memories. He holds them very dear, and he actually likes to be reminded of that lovely weekend. He just knows that dwelling on it too much will set his standards too high, and then he will never find something worthwhile. And it isn't even solely about the man, it's more about that weekend in general. Cuddled in between sheets for two whole days out of time. And maybe that's okay, because after all, the first time is supposed to be special, and if anything, this weekend was special as fuck. So, Remus considers himself lucky, and sometimes he thinks of Sirius with a smile on his face, and then the moment passes.
He comes back to Oxford during the summer after his graduation, not quite sure what to do with his life yet. Obviously, it's not the first time he has come back to his hometown. He has visited Lily at least twice a year and during the holidays and spent numerous weekends with her to meet her college friends and catch up.
When he's back in Oxford, the memories haunt him the strongest. He walks past cafés and shops that they had walked past, or he stops for a second in front of the building where he once lived. He sometimes wonders if Sirius still studies in Oxford. He started the same year as Lily did, so they could even know each other vaguely.
But Remus never asks. Partly because he doesn't want to ruin the memories. He wants to remember the weekend just the way it was and keep it treasured as something special that, amongst many other things, made him who he is today. And partly because Sirius left that morning, and that's still fine because it was never supposed to last or repeat itself. And maybe Remus just wants to remember the version of Sirius he has in mind when thinking about those two days in his flat. He himself has changed so much since then, and he is sure Sirius did as well, 'cause that's just what people do during college, but he likes to keep the 18-year-old, innocent and soft version of Sirius in mind.
That version, however, is shattered when he comes back to Oxford six years later.
~~~~~~~~~~
He is back just in time for Lily's graduation ceremony, and Lily is a little extra nervous because Remus is supposed to meet her new boyfriend as well. He already has heard all about James Potter, although, until some time ago, it was pretentious, annoying James Potter, and now all of a sudden, it's handsome, cute, and generous James Potter. Remus can't deny that he's curious.
During all of her college time, Lily had talked on and on about how annoying James Potter was. Popular, arrogant, leader of the mischievous guys and fuckboys, but at the same time completely and utterly in love with Lily. While his other friends seemed to sleep with every girl, they could get their hands on, James just had eyes for Lily. And although she found it annoying at first, a few months before graduation, his pining finally paid off, and she'd agreed to go on a date with him.
Remus watches from the audience as Lily receives her diploma. He cheers and grins when she waves him off, her cheeks turning a lovely shade of pink. He’s also the first one to hug her once the official part is over. She beams up at him happily, and if possible, her smile grows even bigger when a guy with the most dishevelled haircut Remus has ever seen steps up to them. His dark brown eyes are hidden behind round glasses, and his whole posture seems to shine when he embraces Lily.
"There she is! My girl! Congratulations, love!" he almost shouts, and Remus is surprised that Lily doesn’t flinch. Damn, this guy really has to be something special if she just overcame her second-hand embarrassment.
"Thanks, babe," she murmurs into the crook of his neck before softly untangling herself from his bear hug. "This is Remus, my best friend since kindergarten," she adds, gesturing over at Remus, who stands there slightly awkwardly with his hands in his jeans pockets. "Remus, this is James, my boyfriend," she smiles, and the slight blush is back on her face.
"Boyfriend,” James repeats dreamily. “I still can't believe how lucky I am," he grins before turning towards Remus. "Remus! I was dying to finally meet you,” he beams, and then pulls Remus into an equally tight hug. “I heard everything about you already," he adds, and Remus can’t help but chuckle.
"Hopefully only the good stuff," he grins.
"Oh absolutely! With everything I've heard, I can be glad if I manage to be the second most important man in Lily's life," James jokes, winking at both of them.
"Well, I heard a lot about you too, James," Remus grins back, his gaze shifting towards Lily, who quickly looks down at her diploma as if there might be anything surprising on it.
"And I'm sure that was far from just positive," James laughs brightly.
"I fear so," Remus joins in his chuckle.
"Well, I hope I can show you my best side now," James shrugs shyly, the grin still glued to his face, and Remus immediately decides to like him.
"I'm looking forward to it," he smiles softly, and when he catches Lily’s gaze again, she mouths a noiseless ‘thank you’.
"So, what's the plan, love?” James speaks up again. “Where are we gonna celebrate that we're an academic couple now?"
"You graduated as well?" Remus cuts in, interested.
"Yeah, the ceremony was yesterday already,” James nods proudly. “Management can be boring as hell, but the parties are lit," he winks.
Management. Remus thinks about Sirius instantly. And he already decides to maybe ask James about him later that night. Who knows how many people study management in Oxford, but maybe James can tell him something. After all, Sirius is far from a common name. But his intentions become irrelevant a second later when James beams at someone behind Remus, and then Lily is lifted off the floor from behind.
Remus freezes. And turns hot at the same time.
"Evaaaans! Congratulations!" the boy, no, man, shouts out and squeezes Lily around the middle.
"Ah, Christ, let me down, Black, you maniac!" Lily shrieks, but chuckles at the same time. Remus, on the other hand, feels like he’s suffocating. The air suddenly seems too thin, the lights too bright, his whole attention shrinking into a small quarter of black curls and pale skin.
"You heard her, Padfoot! Hands off my girl," James joins into the laughter, and after another second, Sirius places Lily back onto the floor, stepping into their small circle.
"Remus, this is Sirius, my brother from another mother," James introduces them to each other.
Remus heart beats in his throat. Grey eyes bore into his, and there is the tiniest hint of shock and recognition before he shuts down completely. It's almost like Remus can see the walls building up around Sirius. There is nothing left of the soft boy from six years ago.
His eyes are still the same shade of grey but they’re cold and inaccessible. His hair is longer, much longer, and tied up in a messy bun on top. His cheekbones and jawline have become even more prominent. His arms seem longer, his chest and shoulders broader. There are earrings and a lip piercing, and Remus can see ink peeking out at his wrists. Jesus fucking Christ. All in all, Sirius from six years ago has already been extremely good looking, but this version is the fucking demigod edition of hot.
He is greeted with an uninterested nod, and when Remus lifts one eyebrow and there still isn't any reaction, he lets it slip altogether. Two seconds at most and minimal body language, and the groundwork for their future kind of relationship is set in stone. And maybe Remus is a coward. Maybe he’s too weak or too shy or just confused. But if there’s one thing he’s not, it’s someone who outs other people. Because honestly, what is he supposed to say anyway?
Oh, well, James, I already know your brother from another mother, you wouldn’t believe how well I know him, in fact, like inside out, you could say. And even worse, what should he tell Lily? Sorry, babe, I lied to you, I haven’t had my first time at college in London, but on that weekend right before when you were on holidays with your parents. I slept with this guy right there, four fucking times in 48 hours and never told a soul about it. No, that clearly won’t happen.
A second later, Sirius already slips away again, starting to greet various other people who just graduated. Remus stays with Lily and James and desperately tries not to throw up.
~~~~~~~~~~
During that night, Remus learns a lot about this new Sirius. Although not from himself but from James, who likes to talk a lot. Apparently, Sirius specialised on sports management during his third year of college and plans to work for the rowing team of Oxford he was a member of himself (of course he was).
He’s nicknamed Padfoot because he used to jump into the water after a win no matter how cold, and then shake his long curls dry after it like a dog (come on). And he has the longest list of hook ups in all of their friends’ group. Remus doesn't doubt that as he currently has his tongue stuck down the third’s woman in a row. The other two don’t even seem to mind. Honestly, it’s like they’re all lining up to have a go at him and the worst thing is, Remus kinda can relate.
And he knows he sounds bitter. It’s just the fact that although he himself might look a little different and probably also changed and developed during the last six years, he’s still Remus John Lupin. That person at the other end of the room has nothing in common with the Sirius Black he knew, except maybe the name.
When Peter, another friend of James and Sirius, jokingly asks why James doesn't have a problem with Lily's close male best friend, Lily just laughs and Remus reveals that he's gay, to which Sirius, who didn't even join their conversation up to this point, tenses immediately.
Great, Remus thinks sourly, so the best sex of my life was with a straight guy. And it’s not the fact that Remus needs certainty. He has absolutely no problem with guys who aren’t sure yet. He had numerous one-night stands, hell, even situationships, with “straight” guys. But that weekend was far from an one-night stand. For Remus, it was something special.
But this grown-up version of Sirius Black isn't the person he shared that weekend with at all. And so slowly, during that night, the soft and cute and funny and tender 18-year-old Sirius becomes stoic and pretentious and arrogant and very heterosexual Black or Padfoot, and Christ, what a dumb fucking nickname is that?
The only tiny exception when Sirius's facade crumbles and Remus gets a prove that he hadn't fantasied the whole weekend is when James asks him what he studied and wants to do for a living. As usual, he is next confronted with the question of what his favourite book is. Purely out of habit, he answers with the truth.
"’Brideshead Revisited’? Ha, funny, that's one of Padfoot’s favourites as well,” James grins. “He can talk on and on about it. Trust me, he finds a way to include it in almost every conversation,” he rolls his eyes fondly. “He owns a copy of it and it's like beyond important to him. I once tried to merely touch it, and he nearly ripped my arm off,” he adds with another chuckle. “No idea what kind of kink he has with that book," he shrugs. Well, Remus knows, and it makes him sick, and when his gaze drifts over towards the bar where Sirius tries to hook up with the next woman, he decides that, if possible, he would like to erase every memory he has of their weekend.
Notes:
So here we are, guys. This should give you a sense of why their relationship is the way it is now. But don’t worry, we’ll dig a little deeper into why Sirius behaved the way he did in later chapters.
Chapter 12: Flashback V
Notes:
A soft warning: this is the last flashback chapter for a while. I’ll leave it up to you to wonder what that might mean... Enjoy this final peek into the past!
Chapter Text
And if history's clear, someone always ends up in ruins
And what seemed like fate becomes "What the hell was I doin'?"
Babylon lovers hangin' lifetimes on a vine
Do you miss mine?
Do you miss us, us?
I felt it, you held it
Do you miss us, us?
Wonder if you regret the secret of us
I know you know
It felt like somethin' old
It felt like somethin' holy
Like souls bleedin', so
It felt like what I've known
~ Us – Gracie Abrams (feat. Taylor Swift)
4 years ago
Remus would really like to just leave it all behind. Piss off to London or basically anywhere else and try his best to never think about the weekend or Sirius Black in general ever again. But then his father dies, and he has to arrange a fucking funeral and in the weeks that follow, Mr. Stanton tells him that he wants to sell the bookstore. And Remus thinks: fuck it. This city does not belong to Sirius Black. It has been mine before. I fucking introduced him to it. His own bookstore is what he always wanted, what he dreamed of since he was a little boy. And no one, not even Sirius Black and his cold stares and insignificance, is going to take this dream, this opportunity away from him.
So, he moves back to Oxford. He buys the bookstore from his father’s inheritance and rents a flat and plans to stay as far away from Sirius as possible. This plan doesn’t work out in the slightest. It’s only his second day back at work, and Mr. Stanton is still showing him everything that comes with running a bookstore when suddenly Sirius strolls through the door.
Flashbacks rush through Remus’s mind so fast, he feels like he almost gets hit into the wall. Their gazes meet, and Sirius seems to be just as surprised to see him. Which is ridiculous, after all, this is where they first met six years ago. What is even more ridiculous is the fact that, finally in his eyes, Remus can sense a spark of the old Sirius. Like his boundaries, the walls he builds around himself, aren’t as high today.
"Ah, Mr. Black,” Mr. Stanton greets their new customer, who walks up to the counter hesitantly. “Remus, this is one of your future regulars. He comes here for six years," he adds, unnecessarily introducing them to each other. But Remus is still stuck at the fact that Sirius has come into the bookstore ever since they parted ways.
"Your order has already arrived, I'm sure that's what you're here for," Mr. Stanton keeps going, and Sirius just nods, instead of an audible answer.
Mr. Stanton, still completely oblivious to the tension, turns towards him. "Remus, would you be so kind?"
He also just nods instead of speaking a word. He’s sure his voice would betray him anyway. He walks over towards the office, where they store the orders. He finds the two books under the name ‘Black’ without searching. Some book about sports management and a copy of fucking ‘The Song of Achilles’. Remus is about to be sick all over the floor. He takes a few deep breaths in and out, and when he feels partly ready to face the other man again, he walks back out behind the counter.
He wordlessly places the two books on the desk and lets Mr. Stanton do the rest, who’s eager to enjoy his last few days as a shopkeeper.
"It's actually rather nice that the two of you are getting to know each other,” he speaks up again, still completely blind to the fact that neither Remus nor his regular customer has said a single word until now. “I always thought that you'd get along pretty well," he smiles at both of them. Oh, just how much they got along six years ago. And that’s it, Remus is about to scream, or throw up, or just cry. Sirius keeps his eyes on the desk counter and after a few desperate seconds, Remus gives up trying to catch his gaze.
"Remus comes from Oxford and he just moved back here after finishing his literature studies in London. He's my successor," Mr. Stanton finally explains Remus’s presence and to that, Sirius’s eyes suddenly snap up.
"You're retiring?" he asks softly with a slight frown. And, God, that soft voice is just so much more Sirius-like than the jock version of him a few weeks earlier.
"Oh, yes. I'm done,” Mr. Stanton chuckles. “I saved some money and I'm about to travel the world with my husband. Lucky that Remus came back in time. I wouldn't want to give the bookstore to anybody else, to be honest," he adds with a proud smile. "Although it's due to sad circumstances," he clears his throat and looks at Remus with sorrow in his eyes. And it’s really just due to the awkwardness of the situation that Remus finally opens his mouth.
"My, er..." he stumbles over his own words and then starts again. "My father just passed away. And I bought the bookstore with his inheritance. He would have liked that," he finishes, his words directed to the table instead of a breathing person.
"He would have loved that, Remus,” Mr. Stanton assures him, squeezing his shoulder softly. When the phone in the office starts ringing through the silence of the shop, all three of them jump slightly. “Excuse me for a second," Mr. Stanton speaks up again, and then he’s gone. The quietness that follows seems to swallow Remus whole.
Then, suddenly, Sirius’s soft voice breaks the silence. "I'm so sorry. About your father," he murmurs, and when Remus looks up, piercing grey eyes stare back at him. His heart starts doing somersaults and he feels like he might melt into the floor.
"Thank you," he whispers back, the tiniest hint of a smile creeping onto his face.
And fucking finally, there is a hint of admission in Sirius’s eyes. And he looks like he wants to say something, wants to admit something. But he doesn’t, and Remus wants to reach over the counter, grab onto his shoulders and shake him until… until…
"My father died two years ago. My mother followed shortly after," Sirius speaks quietly again.
"I...," Remus stops, not knowing how to react due to all of the things he technically knows about Sirius’s parents and his relationship with them. "I'm sorry to hear that," he still rasps out.
Sirius just shakes his head, his eyes never leaving Remus’s. "Don't be. There really is no need for that," he says.
"Is Regulus –?"
"So, Mr. Black, anything else?" Mr. Stanton comes rushing back into the main room, and automatically Sirius steps back from the counter, even though he wasn’t that close before.
"That would be all, thank you," he nods politely. He pays, and when he turns to walk away, his eyes meet Remus’s briefly one last time. "Mr. Stanton, Mr. Lupin," he greets stiffly.
"Bye," Remus says back monotonously. "Sirius," he adds with a whisper.
If Mr. Stanton notices that they just used other names than he introduced them with, he doesn't say anything. Needless to say, that this is the last time Sirius comes into the store. Remus tries to not be too pessimistic over the fact that he just lost a regular before even fully taking over.
Although from there on, he and Sirius see each other constantly. Lily’s and James’s relationship starts to become very serious very quickly. It’s like they need to make up for the lost college years they could have already been dating if James hadn’t been such a douchebag. And from time to time, Remus gets incredibly grumpy by the fact that he too could start a serious relationship if his crush from six years ago hadn’t turned out to be an asshole.
Of course, those thoughts are stupid. But somehow Lily and James seem to think that Remus and Sirius should naturally get along, and Remus hates how painfully right and wrong they are at the same time. But they arrange parties and get-togethers with all of their friends, constantly putting Remus and Sirius in unwanted close proximity.
And before Remus really has time to realise what the fuck his life has come to be, it’s all about engagement and stag parties and somewhere in between, Sirius’s ignorance changes into cruel banter and flat but cheeky comments, and Remus again can’t help himself. He plays along. And when the wedding comes closer, the other version of Sirius slowly fades away, and suddenly Remus has a hard time remembering how it felt like to not despise him.
In the end, Remus does the only rational thing. When the memories haunt him and he can’t even bear to look at Sirius and he feels the need to do something about it, he just starts to fuck it out of his system. There are six months of an extensive sex life before Remus comes to terms with the inevitable. None of the guys he takes home with him are able to live up to the memories of Sirius Black.
And Remus feels sorry for them, because it’s obviously not their fault that his mind is twisted, but most of all he pities himself because Sirius apparently ruined him for anyone else. And he desperately wants to talk about it, but he doesn’t, ‘cause he’s loyal to Sirius’s secrets, even after such a fallout.
Chapter 13: Anger III
Chapter Text
You want love but you fear it
Your attention's been shifted
You summed up the feeling
With a simple dismissing
What you gonna do? Deceiving
It ain't you, believe it
'Cause our love ain't easy
It changes with seasons
Where we going I don't know
So baby won't you let it go?
~ Change of Seasons – Sweet Thing
With the new year, their relationship begins to change again. In the middle of January, Sirius comes home one day with his lip piercing back in place. He hasn’t worn it for almost two years, and Remus hates the fact that now he’ll have a hard time not staring at his lips again. A few weeks later, Sirius starts doing yoga for whatever reason, but probably to make Remus crawl up the walls. He does it early in the morning before work. He does it shirtless and with ridiculously tight yoga pants, and Remus flees the house with a semi more often than not.
When February creeps into March, Sirius starts to ask him questions. He disguises it behind the motive of getting to know each other better, but Remus is sure his real purpose is to drive him insane.
‘What is your type in men?’ You, duh.
‘When did you realize you’re not straight?’ Sixth grade, but actually never really questioned it otherwise.
‘Do you use dating apps?’ Rarely.
‘Have you ever been victimized by homophobia?’ A few slurs here and there, but nothing drastic or physical, thankfully.
Remus tries to be patient, he really does. But Sirius’s weird newfound interest in his sexuality is starting to get on his nerves due to their shared unspoken past. Remus tries hard to keep his sanity and instead concentrates on the well-being of Harry. He starts reading books about childcare when the bookstore is quiet and soon has this new fear unlocked that Harry isn’t developing fast enough.
“This book says, that by the age of fifteen months a child should either start talking or walking. Harry is one and a half years old and hasn’t started either,” he voices his worries to Sirius one evening. They put Harry to bed and eat dinner together, which is weird but not uncommon these days. They’re sharing a bottle of wine as well, and Remus has his recent book open next to his half empty plate.
“He babbles,” Sirius tries to calm him. “And he crawls all around the living room. Yesterday, I found him in the storage, because I left the door open,” he adds with a reassuring squeeze on Remus’s forearm. And yes, intentional physical contact, that’s new as well.
“I’m talking about talking and walking,” Remus keeps frowning. “Like full bloody words not just syllables. And walking on two feet, not all fours.”
“Relax, Remus!” Sirius chuckles, although in an endearing rather than annoying way. “I’m sure that’s normal. He had a lot to compensate for the last few months. No wonder he takes a little longer. Let’s not worry about it too much.” He squeezes Remus’s forearm again. Remus turns down another glass of wine and instead sits on the armchair to read some more about child development. No more tipsiness around Sirius. No sitting on the couch next to each other. Remus is strong, but he doesn’t trust himself after half a bottle of wine and with his leg pressed against Sirius’s. Because either they’re gonna fight again, or worse, Remus is gonna pull the other man into his lap.
~~~~~~~~~~
Remus is under the shower when it finally happens a week later. He slept badly and not long enough. After a morning walk with Harry, who woke up early too, Sirius took over, and he decided to loosen his stiff shoulders with hot water. He thought about taking a bath, but a long, hot shower is just as good.
“Remus!” Sirius shouts from the living room downstairs.
He doesn’t react right away. Whatever it is, it can wait another twenty minutes. It’s Sunday morning, for Gods’ sake.
“REMUS!” he repeats, even louder this time and Remus can hear the obvious excitement in his voice.
“What?” he shouts back, eyes closed, water still pouring over his head.
“He walks, Remus! Come! Quickly!” Remus is ripped out of his thoughts immediately.
“WHAT?!”
“HE WALKS! He finally walks. Or, well… He’s about to!” Sirius shouts back. Remus turns off the water and struggles to rip back the curtains. “HE STOOD UP ON HIS OWN!” Sirius’s voice rings up to him.
“Wait for me! WAIT FOR ME!” Remus panics. He won’t miss this. He can’t miss this. Not after twenty fucking books he has read about it.
“HOW SHOULD I TELL HIM THAT?” Sirius screams back, voice slightly pitching up. “Don’t walk yet, Harry. Remus wants to see,” he adds, barely audible through the bathroom door.
“TRY TO STOP HIM!” Remus yells back, nearly slipping in the shower while he tries to reach for the towel. “I get the camera!”
He jumps out of the shower, grabs a towel, bolts out of the bathroom while hastily putting it around his waist, gets his polaroid camera out of his room and nearly tumbles down the stairs. He comes to a screeching halt in the middle of the living room, dripping all over the floor, camera at the ready – to the sight of Sirius looking guilty, one arm frozen mid-air, and Harry, sitting on the bottom in front of him, lip wobbling, just on the verge of crying.
“What did you do?!” Remus screeches, confused.
“I just... I gave him a little nudge,” Sirius mumbles into the hand that shot up to cover his mouth. At least he has the decency to look sorry.
“You what?” Remus asks back, shocked. “Are you insane?”
“I panicked! You told me to wait for you,” Sirius whines, a little pout forming on his lips as if he’s about to join in Harry’s crying. "You told me to stop him."
“Yeah, stop him! Not frighten him so much he’ll never try again,” Remus sighs, his arms waving around in outrage.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius mumbles, picking the sniffling but clearly unharmed toddler off the floor. “He will try again,” he adds, soothing Harry in his arms and turning away. Remus doesn’t miss the way his gaze lingers on his exposed, wet chest.
~~~~~~~~~~
During the first weeks of March they’re blessed with unnaturally good weather given the season, and Harry learns to walk in the big garden behind the house. First, Remus and Sirius position themselves a few feet away from each other, both crouched down in a squatting position and encouraging Harry to walk back and forth between their awaiting arms.
After a few days, they dare to lay out a picnic blanket and watch Harry paddling around it, chasing after bees and grasshoppers. Remus notices that he’s much more relaxed outside. If Harry falls, he falls on the soft grass, not on the hard wooden floor, and they don’t have to constantly lead him away from tabletops at head height. Still, inside the house, Sirius installs stair gates and child safety locks on almost every drawer. Remus has an academic degree and still struggles to open those damn things almost every day.
During those days on the picnic blanket, they find time to talk about stuff again, and with the walking problem solved, Remus has less excuse to hide behind a book. One afternoon, the topic falls on finances. Sirius caught Remus shuffling through their finance file earlier that day, and now he dares to voice his concern out loud.
"It's fine,” Remus tries to assure him. If there is one thing he doesn’t want from Sirius, it’s his pity. “It's just… all of this is way more expensive than I thought it would be," he admits after a moment.
"I can pay more, if you want," Sirius immediately jumps in, glancing at Remus from the side.
"No. Absolutely not,” Remus shakes his head, his eyes still locked on Harry a few feet away from them. “Just because we're living together doesn’t mean you have to pay anything for me. We’ll keep separating equally, that’s it," he adds forcefully.
Sirius just makes a disapproving sound. "Is it the bookstore then?" he asks after a beat.
Remus sighs and shakes his head again. "I just need to cancel my plans for the café corner,” he shrugs. “For now,” he adds, when Sirius makes that sound again. “It's fine. I can think about it in some years again."
"But then the place next door will be taken," Sirius frowns, turning around slightly to face him. Remus keeps his gaze forward.
"It doesn't matter. Harry is more important."
"You could sell your flat," Sirius suggests.
"Yeah,” Remus sighs. “I thought about that too. But it's just really useful, it's close to the shop, and it's my office as well, and there are tons of books inside. I basically need it as a storeroom."
Sirius hesitates for a moment. When he speaks up again, it’s quietly. "Do you still have the old flat? The attic apartment? With the view?"
Remus’s breath gets caught in his throat, and suddenly his heart beats so loud, he’s sure Sirius must hear. He doesn’t dare to look at the other man. "No,” he finally chokes out. “I... it wasn’t available when I came back from London," he forces out, daring a side glance at Sirius, who has turned back towards Harry in the meantime. "Or else I would have taken it back in a heartbeat," he admits, his heart slowing down slightly. "My new flat is nice as well, though," he finishes, and then they’re quiet for a minute. Remus feels like he missed a chance.
Sirius is the first to speak up again. "Listen, Remus,” he starts, and when he looks over at Remus this time, he turns to meet his eyes. “My uncle really bequeathed me a fortune. It's more than I could ever spend in my life,” he adds with a small smile before sobering up quickly and visibly gulping. His gaze drops shortly before he looks at Remus again. “He was a gay man who lived alone for most of his life, coming from a horrible family who wouldn't accept him for who he was,” he frowns. “I could give some of the money to an LGBTQIA+ organisation, or I could give it to you, which is a queer investment as well," he jokes, and Remus snorts in return.
"I am not your charity project," he frowns.
"No, you're the godfather of my godson,” Sirius returns solemnly. “Let me help you, Remus. See it as an investment. You can give it back to me someday," he smiles, and then his hand is back on his forearm, before they both turn to watch Harry again.
Chapter 14: Anger IV
Notes:
So now that we're seeing more of Sebastian: my girlfriend just got a TikTok about a guy named Sebastian from Hogwarts Legacy?? I vaguely remember something about a character everybody simped over, but I have absolutely no clue about Hogwarts Legacy since I'm not really into games in general. So Sebastian was actually supposed to be an OC, although his appearance kinda fits the description, which is totally by accident. I don't even know why it bothers me so much. I think I just kinda wanted to sound original lol. If I wanted to use a Harry Potter character as Remus's side interest, I would have used one of the Prewett twins instead.
Anyway, I chose the name Sebastian because I already used it in my previous Wolfstar fic, it's a funny little reference to Brideshead Revisited, and I might or might not have a big-ass crush on Sebastian Stan haha. So that being said, enjoy the chapter!
Chapter Text
I feel so extraordinary
Something's got a hold on me
I get this feeling I'm in motion
A sudden sense of liberty
I don't care 'cause I'm not there
And I don't care if I'm here tomorrow
Again and again, I've taken too much
Of the things that cost you too much
I used to think that the day would never come
I'd see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
~ True Faith – New Order
During the weeks of March and April, Sirius and Remus start spending more time together in a natural, unspoken way. It started with those afternoons in the garden, when Harry took his first steps. Soon they extend their shared free time to walks in the park and even everyday tasks like grocery shopping. They still have their weekly schedule, but instead of just arranging, they start to include each other. Before, they tried hard to separate their free time from each other’s and just spent time together for Harry’s sake. Now they casually ask if the other one wants to join.
And it’s easy. It’s nice. Their conversations flow naturally and Remus is reminded of all the things they can relate to and have in common. It’s not exactly like it was ten years ago. Mostly because Remus tries hard not to flirt, but it’s friendly and with everything that has happened, it’s more than Remus ever dared to wish for. Still, he has to try really hard to suppress his recurring crush. Friends, he tells himself repeatedly. We’re just starting to become friends.
~~~~~~~~~~
They’re at the supermarket with Harry happily sitting in the shopping cart, beaming and giggling at everyone who walks past him. He has a natural ability to amaze people. Just like his father. Remus stands a few feet away, searching through the different kinds of cucumbers while Sirius stays at the cart, pulling funny faces at Harry.
When Remus walks back towards them, he catches a young woman making suggestive eyes at Sirius. She puts a strand of long blonde hair behind her ear and bites her lip. Sirius smiles back politely. Something ugly seizes in Remus’s chest but it vanishes when he steps next to Sirius and Harry, and the expression of the woman sobers up immediately. Now it’s her turn to smile politely and then turn away.
"Oh my God,” Remus deadpans, following the woman with his eyes as she walks away. “So, this is where you're picking up all your hook-ups," he adds, turning back towards Sirius. It's not a question, it's a statement and Sirius doesn't argue.
Instead the other man just chuckles and shrugs nonchalantly but also a bit proudly. "Yeah, but it's only working if I'm on my own, as you see,” he adds, gesturing towards the section the woman has disappeared to. “Or else people think we're a married gay couple."
Remus decides to ignore the side comment. "And if you're by yourself, they think you're this hot single dad, aren't they?"
"Exactly,” Sirius grins up at him. “Harry works better than any wingman ever."
Remus pulls a face. "That's disgusting."
"Oi! I'm not fooling anyone. It's not my fault women like seeing hot men with babies," Sirius shrugs, nudging Remus’s side with his elbow softly.
They continue towards the cereal section when Remus speaks up again, curiosity getting the better of him. "So, how do you do it? If they're not immediately throwing themselves at you. What's your technique?"
Sirius startles. "You wanna know how I pick up women?"
"Sure,” Remus shrugs, trying hard to sound casual. “It can't just be done with a little flick of your hair, a lascivious smile, and a bit of batting your eyelashes," he jokes.
"Not like that hasn't worked before," Sirius mumbles under his breath with a smile, and Remus immediately regrets that he said something. "But sure, I can show you the standard procedure," he adds with a shrug, and Remus covers his chuckle with an eyeroll.
They take a few more steps and Remus watches carefully until Sirius halts in front of the fresh bread. He picks up a baguette in a brown paper bag and turns back around to Remus with a slight, suggestive smile. "They call this ‘traditional baguette’, but in Paris it would barely qualify as bread at all," he chuckles. Remus answers with a raised eyebrow.
"Sorry, that sounded way more judgmental than I meant to,” Sirius shakes his head while laughing slightly to himself. “I'm half French, you see. Comes with the territory, I guess."
"Oh God,” Remus huffs out. “Of course you're doing the French thing."
Sirius glares and acts as if he wants to stab Remus with the baguette. "It has to be good for something. And it works. Now play along, tosser. You insisted.”
Remus sighs and watches as Sirius places the baguette into their shopping cart. “Well, I guess if you pair it with the right wine and some cheese, it’s alright,” he shrugs, meeting Sirius’s eyes again. “A Chinon maybe?” he suggests, gesturing over to the shelf with a few wines on sale.
"Chinon’s not bad,” Sirius smiles at him. “But I think I’ll go with the Côte du Rhône. My brother runs a small vineyard down there. Family loyalty and all that," he adds with a wink towards Remus, reaching for a bottle and putting it into the cart next to the bread. And yes, he can see how that works.
“Hm, interesting,” Remus grins back, trying to stay in his role and not immediately asking about Regulus. “So, you’re a wine expert?”
"Pas besoin d’un sommelier pour tomber amoureux d’un bon rouge," Sirius purrs back, and Remus has to keep his mouth shut to not start moaning in the middle of the supermarket. "Or maybe I’m just a man with good taste," Sirius adds a little quieter and with another wink, and Remus is ripped out of his stupor.
"Pity,” he grins. “I normally prefer white wine."
Sirius’s eyes grow big. "Wait, since when do you speak French?" he asks, baffled.
Remus clears his throat and glances to the side. "Did a course in college," he shrugs.
"Really? Why?"
‘Cause I had this life changing sexual experience right before college with a guy, who absolutely ruined me when he cursed in French while coming all over his stomach, and I thought by learning his language I could feel close to him again.
"We did a lot of French literature,” he answers instead. “It was practical."
"Was it?" Sirius asks, eyebrows raised in question. He’s about to add something, when someone steps in front of their cart.
"Remus?" a warm voice rips his attention away from Sirius.
"Sebastian?" Remus greets back in surprise. The other man looks soft and handsome in jeans and a plain blue t-shirt. They haven’t seen each other since that day shortly before Christmas and Remus nearly forgot how their meeting made him feel. Now that light and giddy feeling in his stomach is back right away. For a moment, they just stare at each other with a smile until Sirius clears his throat.
"Sirius, hi," he introduces himself. "A pleasure. You must be the pediatrician of my godson," he deadpans.
"Oh, you...,” Sebastian frowns, his eyes darting back and forth between them. “You're raising Harry together? I didn't realize... I thought-"
"We're not together,” Remus jumps in. “We're just raising Harry together. We were named his joint guardians. But we're not together-together," he rambles. In his periphery, he sees Sirius rolling his eyes.
"I see," Sebastian smirks. "Well, how’s Harry?" he adds, his attention shifting towards the toddler in the shopping cart.
"Fine, he... he's great, yeah. Thanks," Remus grins down at Harry as well, still trying to adjust to the sudden change in situation.
"That's good to hear," Sebastian smiles back at him. "And how are you?"
"I'm alright as well,” Remus nods. “Your recipe worked wonders, by the way," he adds with a little chuckle, his cheeks warming up slightly.
"Glad to hear that," Sebastian winks. His gaze drifts towards Sirius for a second before it’s back on Remus. "You know what works even better than a bottle of wine?" he asks.
"What's that?"
Sebastian bites his lip, then shrugs a little shyly. "Dinner and a bottle of wine," he answers. "I mean, now that I know there is someone else who can look after Harry, it's not indecent to ask if you can spare an evening for that."
"For what?" Remus frowns. Beside him, Sirius huffs a humourless laugh.
"A date? With me?" Sebastian asks, eyebrows raised, grin a little lopsided.
"Oh, yeah,” Remus grins back brightly. “I mean, sure, that... that would be lovely," he nods repeatedly.
"Great," Sebastian beams back. "How about tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow?" Remus repeats, his attention shifting towards Sirius to wordlessly ask for his work schedule.
"I'm off at six," he shrugs with faint disinterest.
"Great, yeah, okay, tomorrow it is then," Remus confirms, turning back towards Sebastian with a smile.
"Fantastic! I'm gonna pick you up at seven?"
"Yeah, great,” Remus nods again. “I believe the office has my number, and the address is the same as in Harry's file."
"Great,” Sebastian answers with another warm smile. “See you tomorrow, Remus. I'm looking forward to it."
"Yeah, great. See you. Me too," he hums softly.
When Sebastian is out of earshot and they start walking again, he turns to Sirius. "You know what? I agree, the supermarket is the perfect place to find a date," he chuckles happily.
"Yeah, great," Sirius returns plainly.
Chapter 15: Anger V
Chapter Text
Don't you just wanna wake up, dark as a lake?
Smelling like a bonfire, lost in a haze?
If you're drunk on life, babe, I think it's great
But while in this world
I think I'll take my whiskey neat
My coffee
Black and my bed at three
You're too sweet for me
~ Too Sweet – Hozier
Remus is nervous and he actually tries to make an effort. Still, he doesn’t know where exactly Sebastian is going to take him, so he tries to keep it casual at the same time. He chooses his wide, low-waist black jeans and pairs them off with a plain white t-shirt and his favourite dark grey denim shirt. He puts some bracelets and rings on as well, even though they’ll probably annoy him after half an hour and tries to style his short curls in a way that makes them more prominent.
When he comes down the stairs and steps into the living room, he receives a once-over by Sirius and, by the look in his eyes and the slight smile he tries to hide, he thinks he did a decent job. He’s sitting on the couch with Harry next to him and a bowl of popcorn balancing on his lap. They’re in the middle of ‘How to Train Your Dragon’. Or more like Sirius is watching it, ‘cause Harry seems to be way more interested in his new stuffed Toothless toy than the actual movie. Remus has half a mind to remind Sirius that this movie might not exactly be suitable for a one-year-old, but they look so cute together, he lets it go.
“You look… very good,” Sirius smiles, craning his head over the back of the couch.
“Thank you,” Remus grins back. He takes a step closer, snatches a handful of popcorn out of Sirius’s bowl and playfully ruffles Harry’s hair. Sirius is still looking up at him and their eyes lock, and it seems way too epic with the soundtrack of ‘How to Train Your Dragon’ playing in the background.
Before either of them can say anything more, the doorbell rings and Remus tries to get his breathing under control before walking to the front door slowly and very casually. He opens the door to a gorgeous-looking Sebastian. A gorgeous, dress-shirt-wearing Sebastian. Shit.
“Fuck!” is the very first word that slips out of Remus’s mouth. “I can change! I mean… I… didn’t know where we’re going and –,” he rambles on, completely ruining the whole greeting.
“Remus!” Sebastian cuts in, with a laugh. “Relax! We’re not going anywhere fancy. It’s me. I’m a snob. I just wear this on dates without really thinking about it,” he adds, putting his hands into the pockets of his trousers and shrugging helplessly. “You’re looking very handsome, by the way,” he grins after a moment of stunned silence.
“Thank you,” Remus murmurs. “I’m just getting my wallet and keys,” he adds, gesturing over his shoulder, into the house.
“I’m paying though,” Sebastian calls after him.
Remus rounds the corner and nearly crashes into Sirius, who’s suddenly leaning next to the fridge, arms crossed, and eyebrows raised.
“A dress-shirt for a first date?” He asks mockingly. “That’s how easily you can be impressed?”
“Stop it!” Remus whisper-shouts at him, grabbing for his stuff on the counter.
“I’m paying though,” Sirius imitates in a high-pitched voice.
“Sirius! Stop it!” Remus repeats through gritted teeth.
“I can’t believe that this is your type,” he whispers back, pushing away from the counter to step up to Remus. “Rich, blonde doctors with fancy dress-shirts and the ability to always say the right thing,” he adds with a roll of his eyes and a vicious grin that slowly develops into a frown.
“Goodnight, Sirius,” Remus returns pointedly before turning around and walking back towards the entrance.
“Are you gonna spend the night?” Sirius calls after him.
“No, Sirius. Unlike you,” he starts, “I’m not a slut,” he adds in an aggressive whisper.
Sirius answers with two raised middle fingers. Out of habit, Remus quickly looks over to the couch to check if Harry caught on to any slur or rude gesture. But their godson seems to be quite occupied with his new favourite toy.
“Ready?” Sebastian asks softly once Remus is back at the door.
“Ready!” Remus grins back, stepping up to him and shutting the door.
~~~~~~~~~~
Sebastian takes him to a nice, cozy Italian restaurant. The food is authentic, and the tables are all placed in separate corners for some privacy. Sebastian is charming and cute. All soft laughs and crinkly eyes. They’re leaning over the table towards each other and their conversation flows easily. Their bruschetta has just arrived when Remus’s phone buzzes in his pocket.
He quickly reaches for it to turn it off. “I’m so sorry… I’m just –,” It’s Sirius. “Fucking hell,” he mumbles more to himself before he quickly answers the call. “Please tell me it’s something important and you’re not disturbing my date for some casual shit,” he grits into the phone.
“I need to talk to Sebastian,” Sirius answers quickly, and Remus is immediately alarmed by his panicked voice.
“What? No! What's wrong –,”
“Please. It’s about Harry,” Sirius cuts in, trying hard to sound calm.
Remus puts the phone down and hands it over to Sebastian. “He wants to talk to you,” he says, shrugging helplessly when Sebastian raises his eyebrows in question.
He reaches for Remus’s phone, nonetheless. “Hello? Sirius? What’s wrong?”
Remus watches carefully as Sebastian’s facial expression scrunches in concentration. “Okay… I see… Well, that’s nothing to joke about.” He looks up at Remus with a worried frown, and Remus is on edge in an instant. He still looks at Remus as he keeps listening to whatever Sirius says on the other end of the line. “I don’t mean to scare you, but I think it’s better to drive over to the hospital with him. Dr. Amber is in charge tonight. She’s a friend of mine. You’ll be in good hands.” Remus’s heart sinks to the bottom of the floor. Harry. Something is wrong with Harry. “Yeah… okay… take care, we’ll be there as well,” Sebastian adds and then ends the call.
“What? What’s wrong with Harry?” Remus bursts out immediately.
Sebastian hands him back his phone and tries to give him a reassuring look. “Sirius noticed that he’s burning up. He didn’t want to frighten you before you left, but it got worse,” he starts, and Remus is off his chair right away. Sebastian stands up as well and reaches over to place a hand on Remus’s upper arm. “I told him to drive to the hospital. Fever can be dangerous for young children. But he’s gonna take some time and they’ll be in good hands, so we could –,”
“No!” Remus interrupts. He shakes his head and then runs his hands through his styled hair, probably ruining it completely. “Sorry, but no. I really need to be there as well,” he says, his voice shaking.
“Yeah, sure… no, of course! Let’s go,” Sebastian squeezes his arm and leads him out of the restaurant.
~~~~~~~~~~
When they arrive at the hospital, Remus is immediately overwhelmed by flashbacks of that horrible night a few months ago. He tries to hide it from Sebastian, but his hands start to shake when they enter the building, and his heartbeat quickens in an almost painful way on their way to the elevator. Shit, if he’s close to hyperventilating, how’s Sirius holding up?
They arrive at the third floor, and Sebastian is greeted by a young doctor with a file in hand. Remus wants to stay and asks for Harry’s well-being, but he spots Sirius in a corner of the room, walking back and forth in front of a hospital bed. He doesn’t hesitate. He walks over with long strides and places a gentle hand on Sirius’s shoulder. The other man tenses before he turns around and looks at Remus. And then his arms are around Remus’s middle, his face pressing against his shoulder, and Remus is reminded of their last hug in this very building right away.
“I’m so sorry for your date,” Sirius mumbles against his chest. “I tried to handle it on my own.”
“You don’t need to handle anything on your own, Sirius,” Remus mumbles back, his gaze drifting over to where Harry is lying on the bed. He looks so small on the huge mattress, and the infusion sticking out of his instep looks frightening. “We’re in this together, remember?” he rasps out, to calm Sirius down. “Why didn’t you talk to me earlier?”
“I knew you wouldn’t have gone on the date if you’d noticed that something was wrong with Harry,” Sirius breathes out, leaning away from him slightly to run a hand through the mess of his hair. “It was fine at first, but then he refused to drink, and he seemed so weak all of a sudden,” his voice breaks, and he steps away from Remus to look over at Harry again. “They gave him the infusion and said it’s probably gonna go down soon,” he adds with a whisper, eyes fixed on Harry on the bed.
Remus steps up to him and places his hand on the other man’s shoulder again. “That’s good. That’s good, Sirius. It’s gonna be alright,” he tries to reassure him, even though he himself is worried as fuck.
Sirius just nods, his fingers pressing into his eyes, trying to rub the tiredness away.
“How are you feeling?” Remus whispers in concern.
“What do you mean?” Sirius rasps back, not looking up at him.
“Well, I’m shaking since I entered this fucking building,” Remus replies quietly.
“I hate it here,” Sirius huffs out humourlessly, finally looking up at Remus out of haunted eyes.
Remus’s hand moves from Sirius’s shoulder over to his neck, before they both look down at Harry again. “I’m sure we can take him back home with us tonight.”
Sirius just nods again and then slightly leans into the pressure of Remus’s hand.
“I’m gonna ask Sebastian if there’re any news, yes?” Remus squeezes softly again before slowly stepping away and back into the hall.
“Thanks,” Sirius whispers, barely audible.
“Hey,” Remus greets when he steps next to Sebastian, who’s still shuffling through the file.
“Hey,” he greets back, smiling up at Remus softly. He shuts the file close and places it on the counter next to them. “Don’t worry. I’ve talked to Dr. Amber and it’s looking good. The fever is already going down. He’s taking the injection quite well, and they took blood samples. It’s probably just an infection. Nothing serious,” he explains calmly, taking a step closer towards Remus.
Remus breathes out deeply, and his shoulders loosen up immediately. “Good! Great, that’s… wow, I’m really relieved,” he returns with another deep breath. He runs his hands through his hair again. They’re still shaking slightly. Then he flinches. “God, I must seem like some crazy helicopter dad, right?” he asks with a pained expression.
Sebastian chuckles slightly and shakes his head. “Not at all. It’s okay to be worried. You’re doing great.”
“I’m so sorry for our date,” Remus frowns. “I was really looking forward to it.”
Sebastian just chuckles again and takes another step forward, now standing directly in front of Remus. “Yeah, well, it’s a pity," he shrugs casually. "I was already thinking about how to ask if I may kiss you at the end of it,” he jokes, his smile turning cheeky and a slight blush creeping to his face.
Remus can't help it, there’s finally a little chuckle escaping his lips as well. “Well,” he shrugs, biting his lip to seem casual. “Technically, it is the end of our date now.”
Sebastian hides a grin and searches his face for a moment. “Can I kiss you?” he asks softly after a beat.
“Yes, please,” Remus murmurs back.
Sebastian takes another step forward, captures Remus’s face in both of his hands and pulls him into a kiss. His lips are soft and firm, and Remus’s own hands find his hips to pull him closer. It feels mature and good. It does. Their lips move against each other softly and there is warmth spreading from Sebastian’s hands through Remus’s body. He angles his face slightly, his hands grib into the fabric of Sebastian’s shirt. He tries hard to find the spark inside of him. He nearly forces himself to light up in flames. But it won’t come. They break apart after a short time. After all, they’re still in a bloody hospital.
Sebastian’s hands pull away from his face and Remus brings some space between them as well. They smile at each other and Remus tries to suppress the nagging feeling inside his stomach. It doesn't have to be perfect right away. It's probably just his worry for Harry that wouldn't let him enjoy the kiss fully.
Like he’s pulled by a magnet, Remus’s gaze gets drawn over towards the bed in which Harry still lies fast asleep. Sirius is sitting on the edge of it and is already looking over at him. Their eyes lock, Sirius quickly looks away, and Remus hates to admit it, but a part of him immediately feels like he just cheated on Sirius.
Chapter 16: Anger VI
Notes:
So this is it, guys. I guess a lot of you have been waiting to see what’s happening in this chapter...
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Shadows settle on the place that you left
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness
Destroy the middle, it′s a waste of time
From the perfect start to the finish line
And if you're still breathing, you′re the lucky ones
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
~ Youth – Daughter
It's a week later when things between them finally hit the breaking point. Ten years of carefully built-up caution crumble down in the heat of one singular evening.
Remus goes on his second date with Sebastian. Harry’s infection is wearing off, his fever has long been gone, so Remus finally has a mind for something else. Sebastian picks him up from work and for some time they just take a walk through town, enjoying the first hint of spring and finally getting to know each other properly.
The whole setting is painfully familiar, but talking to Sebastian is nice and easy, so Remus manages to take his mind off the last time he walked through the city in a date-like scenario. Sebastian shows interest in Remus’s college days and his bookstore even though he’s not that much of a reader himself. In return, he offers stories of his work life, and soon Remus’s stomach hurts due to laughing along to all the funny kid stories Sebastian tells him.
They end up in a little restaurant with an Indonesian-influenced kitchen that Sebastian was recommended by a friend. The food is good, and the conversation keeps going smoothly. When they part, they kiss again, in a slightly more passionate way than they did in the hospital. There is no worry for Harry clouding his mind this time, but Remus still waits for the fireworks to no avail.
Sebastian must get up early the next morning, so regardless of his invitation, Remus refuses to go home with him. When he arrives at his own home half an hour later, he immediately recognizes that Sirius is already on edge. Remus, on the other hand, is tired and not in the mood for a fight.
He’s mad at his own body and mind for not reacting to Sebastian the way he wants them to. So he just tries to ignore Sirius’s random grumpiness and plans to go straight to bed. He makes it halfway through the living room when Sirius addresses him. He stood up from the couch when Remus walked in, and he felt the other man’s eyes on him the whole time.
His voice sounds almost casual, but Remus doesn’t miss the vicious intention behind his words. "So did you have his dick up your ass already?"
And that’s it. With this comment, something in Remus finally snaps. He freezes in the middle of the room, and suddenly all the things he has swallowed down for the past four years are on the tip of his tongue. No, he thinks, this time you won’t get away with it. You can’t just run away from a fucking polaroid and then make borderline obscene side comments about my sexual preferences.
Remus feels like his own body moves in slow motion. He turns around to face Sirius, and when their eyes meet, he can almost see the moment Sirius realizes that he pushed Remus over the edge. "We didn't have sex yet, if that's what you're asking," Remus forces out, his voice unnaturally calm, given the situation. He waits for another second, as if to give Sirius one last chance to run away again. "Although if we had, it probably would have been the other way around. You should know I like to top," he keeps going, and the second the words leave his mouth, Sirius’s whole body tenses up. "From experience," Remus adds, as if that’s even necessary at this point.
"Don't!" Sirius forces out, his face a mask, his body so impossibly rigid, Remus thinks he might break apart with his next movement.
"No? Why?" Remus fires back, taking a step closer, crossing his arms over his chest and standing up to his full height. He’s in charge now, and he wants to see Sirius fall apart beneath it. "Why the fuck not? Why shouldn't I mention it? Why are we never talking about it?"
"There is nothing to talk about," Sirius grits out, mirroring his posture with huge eyes and tight lips. It feels like the air between them is pure electricity, and there could be thunderbolts if one of them might make a sudden movement.
"And I was fine with that!" Remus snaps back, his voice slowly getting louder. "But we live in close proximity now, and you don't get to have dates every other night, fucking God knows who, and then come back to me and make comments like that."
"It's not my fucking fault that you're sexually frustrated,” Sirius shouts back, and this strategy is so fucking pathetic, Remus actually laughs in his face. Sirius ignores it and instead takes a step back. “Although I can't blame Sebastian for not wanting the whole package," he adds with a provocative smirk, giving Remus a once-over as if to prove some unsaid point.
"Oh, no?” Remus asks, tilting his head to the side and taking another step in Sirius’s direction. “Because ten years ago you were literally begging for it."
There is another shift in Sirius’s facial expression. "I meant Harry," he grits out.
"So now Harry is a whole package, is he?” Remus shouts back, outraged. He takes another step forward and points an accusing finger at Sirius. “If you think for one second that you can keep going on your little fuck trips while I sit here and wait for you to come home while changing diapers and cooking food, you are so fucking wrong, Black," his voice rings in his own ears and with satisfaction he notices that Sirius flinches.
"Sexually frustrated, just like I said," he mumbles under his breath, turning slightly to the side.
"I am not sexually frustrated!” Remus bursts out. “Just because I know what I want and don't try to run away from who I really am!"
Sirius whirls back around immediately, and this time it’s him who takes a step in Remus’s direction. "What is that supposed to mean?" he hisses through gritted teeth. His eyes are fire, and Remus thinks that he’s actually seconds away from punching him in the face.
Remus deflates. "Nothing," he forces out, his voice much quieter again. "I have no right to assume anything about you. Or your sexuality. Just because... it doesn't mean you have to be interested in men. In general.”
"You know nothing about me," Sirius glares at him, his voice suddenly shaking. From aggression or panic, Remus can’t tell. "And this is not at all what this is," he adds, his jaw working furiously. "You don't understand."
Remus’s anger is back in an instant. "No, that's right, I don't understand," he glares back. "I don't understand how you could have sex with me four fucking times just to become the biggest heterosexual asshole in history and act like we never even met."
"Fuck you, Lupin!"
"You could try to explain it to me though." It’s actually meant to sound like an invitation, but it comes out much too accusing.
"I don't have to explain anything. This is ridiculous!” Sirius shouts back and then marches forward. For a moment, Remus thinks that it’s time for the punch in the face, but Sirius walks past him and reaches for his keys and helmet. “I'm going for a ride," he announces, already at the door.
"How can you still ride that bike when the parents of your child died in a car crash?" Remus shouts after him.
Sirius whips back around to shoot daggers at him. "He is not my child!” he nearly screams. “Harry is not my child. We're not raising a child together, Remus. This is not what this is!"
"What's it then?" Remus asks back, but Sirius is already out the door. When the engine comes to life in front of the house, Remus’s hands start to shake, and when the ringing in his ears stops, he finally notices the crying from upstairs.
~~~~~~~~~~
It takes him nearly half an hour to calm Harry down, and when he’s finally back asleep, Remus almost starts crying from exhaustion too. Sirius stays away for nearly two hours, and by the time he comes back, Remus regrets almost every word he said. He’s surprised Sirius comes home at all. Remus wouldn’t have put it past him to spend the night in someone else’s bed, just to prove his point.
When he walks back into the house, he looks just as exhausted as Remus feels. Remus expects him to start shouting again, but he has a sleeping Harry pressed to his chest where he sits on the couch, and when Sirius’s eyes drive over to the boy in his lap, his shoulders slump down even more.
For a moment, they just hover right where they are, waiting for the other one to set the tone. When Sirius finally speaks up, his eyes are still fixed on Harry. His voice is calm, and Remus doesn’t dare to breathe.
"When I arrived in Oxford ten years ago, I felt free for the first time in my life,” he starts almost emotionlessly. “I moved out from home, and during all of my school time I was that version of myself that my parents, literally everyone, wanted me to be," he keeps going, a small frown tugging at his eyebrows. "I hoped that starting college would mean that I could be whoever the hell I wanted to be. That I could test out every version of myself,” he pauses for a moment, worrying his lip, and for a millisecond his eyes rise up to meet Remus’s, before his gaze drops back down.
“And during that first weekend… with you… I allowed myself to act on this feeling that was buried deep inside of me for as long as can remember,” he pauses again, seemingly struggling to keep his wavering voice in check. Remus sits stock-still, afraid that Sirius might stop talking if he moves too much. “But being with you.... those two days were so fucking intense. I got scared all over again. I got scared of how much I liked it... of how much I wanted it,” Sirius adds, a humourless laugh escaping his lips. “And you would leave anyway. And I had to decide if I wanted to act on it further. On my own. But I wasn't brave enough to do it, so I decided that this version of myself was just for the weekend."
He finally looks back up at Remus, and there is something behind his eyes that looks suspiciously like shame. His tense posture loosens a little bit, and then he's slowly, almost cautiously walking forward to sink down on the armchair across from Remus. He's sitting stiffly on the edge of it, obviously forcing himself to calm down, like he needs to be ready to leave again any minute. He leans forward to rest his arms on his knees, and starts playing with the rings on his fingers nervously when he speaks up again.
"There wasn't any other bloke during my college years who struck me the way you did, so I never really felt tempted anyway. And on the first day of college I met James, and we met a couple of other guys, and suddenly it was all about fucking girls and drinking and everything changed so quickly. And before I could do anything against it, everyone knew that version of me that wasn't really myself, and I just... played along," he shrugs, his jaw working again.
He breathes in and out a couple of times, and for his next words, his eyes are back on the floor. "And then during the holidays of my second year, my mother found the copy of ‘Brideshead Revisited’ in my trunk, and she read your note, and she freaked out like...," his voice wavers again and he audibly gulps before he continues. Suddenly Remus’s heart beats so loud, he almost misses Sirius quiet voice. "They threw me out and I moved in with James and...," he stops again to look at Remus, and then he straightens up in the armchair.
"So yeah, there you have it. I tried to be someone I'm not for the last fucking ten years of my life, even before that, with the tiny exception of one bloody weekend right before I started college. And I don't know if that means I'm gay or bi or whatever, because touching women doesn't freak me out or anything," he shrugs, then frowns, and suddenly he’s out of the armchair.
He looks like he wants to say something else, or maybe he wants Remus to finally react, and when he keeps going, his voice sounds pained and forced. "But sleeping with you was the best sex I ever had, so you can really be proud of that, and anyhow... you won," he grits out, glaring down at Remus. "'cause you know exactly who you are, and you're not afraid to show it, and you're all mature and waiting for the right guy, while I'm still running away from what I really want," he adds, before slightly turning and stepping away from the sitting area.
Somehow in that moment, Remus finds his voice again. There are one million thoughts chasing through his head, desperately wanting to be spoken. But his stupid mind just catches on that very last sentence of Sirius’s monologue. "And what's that?" he rasps out, quietly.
"Huh?" Sirius asks, turning back around halfway.
Remus waits a moment to catch his eyes. "What is it that you really want?" he asks back, voice a little more stable now.
"I don't know," Sirius huffs out. "Right now I want to take care of Harry to make James proud, and dating as many women as possible is probably my coping mechanism to keep my thoughts away from the fact that a part of my fucking heart just got ripped out and it will never be replaced," he adds, his voice breaks, and Remus is off the couch immediately, Harry still in his arms. Sirius follows his movement but takes another step towards the stairs that lead to the basement, obviously willing for this conversation to be over. "Because right now, a whole gay crisis is literally the last thing I want to deal with on top of everything," he keeps going, and Remus surrenders.
"Can I ask one last question?" he asks softly, and after some hesitation, Sirius just nods, once.
Remus looks into his eyes and desperately wants the pain from Sirius’s face to vanish. Still, he needs to know for sure. "After this weekend, you never... there were only ever women since then?"
Sirius worries his lip again, then suddenly the tiniest hint of a smile washes over his face. "You're the only one, yes," he doesn’t wait for Remus to say anything more. Instead, he turns around fully and slowly walks down the stairs. "Goodnight, Remus," he murmurs, already halfway down.
"Goodnight, Sirius," he answers right away. For at least five minutes after that, Remus just stands in the middle of the deserted living room, Sirius’s words repeating in his head over and over again. He has longed for this conversation for the last four years. But now that it finally happened, he feels even worse than he did before.
Notes:
I know this is far from an apology... We'll get to that in the next chapter, when things calm down a little.
Chapter 17: Bargaining I
Notes:
Didn’t want to leave you hanging for too long... hope you enjoy it!
CW for mention of child abuse and bad coping mechanism. It's very very brief but I'd rather be safe than sorry. Take care!
Chapter Text
Pour mercy, mercy on me
Set fire to history
I′m breaking my own rules
I'm crying like a fool
Tall stories on the page
Short glories on the fade
I′ve been close enough to touch
But I never cared for love
It's a church of burnt romances
And I'm too far gone to pray
It′s a solo song
And it′s only for the brave
~ Only the Brave – Louis Tomlinson
The next morning is the very first since they moved into the house that Remus isn’t the first one who wakes up. When he comes down into the living room, Sirius is already sitting on the couch. He has a book in one hand, a polaroid in the other, and when Remus realizes what it is, he comes to a halt at the end of the stairs, fingers tightening around the banister. "You still have that," he speaks up quietly.
Sirius tenses on the couch before he turns around slowly to look at him over his shoulder. Expression unreadable, eyes dark and tired. "Of course I do," he answers, his voice sounding hoarse.
Remus takes a small step closer, Sirius’s eyes following his movements. "I thought you might throw it away," he admits, voice just a whisper in the calmness of the morning. It’s like after all the shouting of last night, they’re suddenly very cautious not to disturb the quiet atmosphere.
A small frown forms on Sirius’s face, the corner of his mouth twitching down. "Why would I do that?" he asks.
Remus can’t stop the small, disbelieving chuckle from escaping his lips. "To destroy every piece of evidence that ever linked us together?"
"But not this,” Sirius shakes his head violently. ”I could never. I am stupid and a coward. But I could never get rid of this," he adds quietly before looking back at the book in his hand, voice softening. “I read it at least once a year.”
Remus takes another step closer. When he stands directly behind the sofa, he leans slightly over the back, peering at the Polaroid in Sirius’s other hand. It’s weird to see that young version of himself blinking up at him. There aren’t that many photos of himself from that time. He never liked being photographed that much. “The story or the note?” he asks back after a moment.
“The story,” Sirius answers without missing a beat. “Your note I read once a month, once a week if I’m having a bad time,” he adds, looking back up at Remus. There’s something open in his expression now, an invitation, as if he’s cracking apart just slightly. Remus stares back, hands in pockets, jaw clenched, waiting for Sirius to say something more. The other man looks up at him kinda expectantly. It takes Remus a moment to analyse the pain in his eyes.
"Please stop looking at me like that," he whispers after a while.
Sirius worries his lip but doesn’t break their eye contact. "Like what?"
Remus breathes in deeply. "Like you need my forgiveness,” he grits out quietly before turning away to walk over towards the kitchen. If they’re doing this now, he needs coffee first.
Sirius is on his heels right away. "Well, I do,” he insists. “I was a massive asshole all the time."
"Yeah, just like me," Remus frowns, distracting himself with the coffee machine.
"But you were confused,” Sirius answers, voice pained. “I was being an asshole on purpose to keep you away from me," he adds, and Remus finally turns back around. He leans against the kitchen counter arms folded, trying to steady his breathing, and waits for Sirius to continue. The other man stands in front of him now, in the middle of the kitchen, sweatpants hanging low, hair a mess, features haunted as if he hasn’t slept an hour last night.
“I’m sorry for yesterday,” Sirius rasps out, searching Remus’s face. “I did it all wrong. I shouldn’t have said the things I said. I shouldn’t have provoked you like that.”
Remus frowns in return. “Were you doing it on purpose?” he asks. “To piss me off? Was it your plan to finally make me snap?” he pushes further, raising one eyebrow in question, arms still crossed as if to protect himself.
Sirius worries his lip again, glancing away for a brief moment. “No. I mean, I… I don’t know. Maybe. Subconsciously,” he shrugs helplessly. And he looks so small, standing in front of Remus, that he just wants to reach out and pull him in, but he knows that for once they need to talk this out. “I am so sorry, Remus,” Sirius adds after a second.
Remus breathes in and out deeply, desperately trying to stay calm. “For yesterday?” he asks with another frown, searching Sirius's face for answers he might not dare to voice yet.
Sirius mirrors his expression. “No, or yes, that as well,” he rasps out. “But I am sorry for everything. For the last four years. For our second meeting at Lily’s graduation. For everything after that,” he winces as if the memories cause him physical pain. Remus stays still. Sirius’s piercing gaze pins him to the kitchen counter, and still, the other man seems to squirm under his stare as well. “I am so sorry for all of that, and I will continue to apologize. I will forever be sorry about it. As long as it takes you to forgive me or forever if you never will,” Sirius’s voice is stable, and he looks up at Remus through dark lashes almost pleadingly.
Remus takes another deep breath, but the uneasiness is still stirring in his chest, and there is still confusion clouding his mind. “I still don’t understand it, though. I mean, I heard the things you said last night. But I still don’t understand how you could be like… like this during that weekend and then this complete other version six years later,” he tries to voice his feelings, gesturing towards Sirius, who's still hovering across from him.
"It was because we would never see each other again," he answers without hesitation, as if the answer should be obvious. "That prospect allowed me to be the purest version of myself. I could one hundred percent be myself because if you didn't have like that person, it wouldn't matter, because I would never see you again," he explains, looking slightly ashamed now.
"But I liked that person, I like that person a lot," Remus winces slightly at his own honesty. It’s too late anyway. "Hell, that weekend made me question the possibility of love at first sight," he adds, quickly breaking their intense eye contact after. He grabs his coffee, which is probably just lukewarm by now, and walks past Sirius.
"But I'm not that person anymore,” Sirius whispers as he passes. “And you hate who I became."
Remus stops in his tracks and frowns. “I never said that.”
“It’s obvious, though,” Sirius shrugs sadly, and Remus sighs and sits down at the dining table, burying his head in his hands for a second.
“I hate how you… how we treat each other,” he speaks up again, lifting his head back up, his gaze fixed to his cup of coffee in front of him now. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Sirius slowly walking over towards him. “You’re right, I was confused. I still am. I felt like it was just me who felt so strongly about that weekend,” he adds before looking up at Sirius again.
The other man stops in his tracks right in front of the table but doesn’t sit down yet. “I was hurt, because by acting like we didn’t know each other, all those memories were suddenly poisoned with hatred and shame,” Remus mumbles after a beat, and Sirius quickly pulls a chair to sit down as well.
“I know, Remus. I felt that too, and I am sorry,” he answers quickly, leaning on the table towards Remus. “I’m so sorry,” he repeats. “Tell me what I can do to make it better,” he adds more quietly.
Remus can’t stop the disbelieving huff coming from his chest. “You want to make it better?” he asks staring Sirius down. The other man nods hesitantly. “I don’t want your apology, Sirius. I want to understand. I want to understand what the hell was playing in your head. ‘Cause you must have had some damn fucking trust in me," he adds, still frowning at him.
"What do you mean?" Sirius asks back slowly.
"I could have said something, couldn't I?” Remus chuckles humourlessly again. “I could have outed you to all of your college friends. Or I could have at least told them that we know each other," he starts, pressure behind each word. "But I didn't. I just went with how you decided our relationship was going to be like. I saw your indifference, and I agreed to act on it. I could have caused you so much trouble. But I never did. I just swallowed it all down. All of it. Four fucking years I acted like that weekend had never happened.”
Suddenly, it’s unbearable to sit calmly at the table with Sirius. The air feels thick, pressing against Remus’s chest. He pushes back the chair with a sharp scrape and instead stands behind it, gripping the back so tight, his knuckles turn white. “And you know what?” he asks, his voice tightening. Sirius stares up at him from his sitting position. “Sometimes your hatred felt so real, I actually questioned if it really did happen or if it was just some crazy fantasy I had,” Remus shrugs helplessly again. His shoulders rise and fall in a jerky motion, fingers twitching against the wood of the chair. When he continues, his voice is barely more than a hoarse whisper. “And other times I wrecked myself with guilt because I wasn't sure if I maybe did something you didn't want me to."
Sirius’s eyes turn huge and he’s out of his chair immediately. "What? No! God, Remus, no," he forces out, one hand reaching out as if he wants to touch Remus before he quickly decides against it and lets it drop back to his side. "Absolutely not,” he shakes his head viciously. “It was one hundred percent mutual. Why would you ever think it wasn't?" he asks, a different pain now all over his face.
"What do you think?” Remus calls out desperately, his voice cracking on the last syllable. “I remembered that weekend in a good way for six bloody years. I had flashbacks, dreams, everything. When I arrived in London, it was actually kinda hard for the first few months because I used to compare every guy I met with you," he huffs humourlessly again, gesturing towards Sirius. His arm sinks down and his shoulders slump with it. "And then I come back, and I can't trust my eyes because I actually meet you again, but just a second later every possible reunion is shattered by the way you fucking looked at me,” he adds, slightly wincing when the memory flashes in his mind. “Like I was the last person you ever wanted to see again. And it broke my fucking heart, but I went with it all those years, and I feel like I deserve some credit for that."
“I know. Fuck! I know all of that,” Sirius rasps back, fisting both of his hands in his hair. He turns towards the window front for a second, chest heaving with heavy, uneven breaths. “And I felt exactly the same,” he murmurs after a beat.
A disbelieving sound escapes Remus’s lips. “You had a really weird way of showing it. And you still haven’t explained it to me,” he frowns at Sirius, the crease between his brows deepening. “Like why you never tried to talk to me in private.”
Sirius turns back towards him and his arms slump back down to his sides. His gaze skitters over the floor for a second before finding Remus’s face. “I didn’t know what to say,” he answers quietly.
Remus feels a new wave of anger rising in his chest. “Yeah, you still don’t know, do you?” he asks, his voice sounding almost disappointed. “Do you need to go for another ride, maybe? To rehearse what you might want to say to me?” he adds mockingly, tilting his head, the bitterness sharp in his tone.
Sirius’s lips turn into a thin line, and he looks out of the window again, avoiding Remus's stare. Remus waits a few beats, breathing in and out deeply. He tries to force the anger back down and then sits. He drowns his coffee in a few long gulps and stares at the other man’s back. The silence stretches, heavy and tense. When Sirius doesn’t seem to come up with anything else, Remus takes pity, shoulders loosening just slightly, and asks the first thing that comes into his mind, remembering the copy on the couch desk. “Is it true? What you said yesterday? Your parents threw you out because of my note?”
Sirius turns around slowly, his eyes dancing over Remus's face. "Not solely because of that," he answers quietly after a moment. He hesitates, chewing on his lip, and Remus waits patiently again. After a few silent seconds, Sirius breathes out deeply and then sits back down as well. His eyes are fixed on Remus’s cup when he speaks up again.
“It was just what made the barrel overflow, I guess. They always suspected something. I was never… like them,” he shrugs. “I never had a girlfriend. I was always particularly drawn towards my uncle. The way I dressed, the way I acted… I don’t know,” he shrugs again, more helpless this time. “When I first painted my fingernails, my mother went completely nuts. I was thirteen. She locked me into my wardrobe for half a day,” he chuckles humourlessly. Remus takes a sharp inhale. Sirius notices, a slight, crooked smile ghosting across his lips before he concentrates back on the cup. His voice sounds distant when he keeps going.
“When I grew my hair out in college, my mother beat me so hard, I was deaf on one ear for two weeks after that,” he murmurs, sounding ashamed, and Remus has to close his eyes for a second, both of his hands flexing under the table. “I know it’s pathetic,” Sirius huffs out. “I was almost twenty at that time, and my mother was half a head smaller than me. But I never stood a chance against her rage. My father was more the emotional abuser type of man. Like humiliation in front of others. Abandonment and constant disappointment. But my mother really had a thing for physical abuse,” he adds, and then finally catches Remus’s gaze again. His eyes glint, vulnerable and raw.
He must recognize Remus’s huge eyes and the bobbing of his throat as he gulps repeatedly. “I wish I’d run away on my own. I don’t know why I waited so long. Why I waited for them to throw me out,” he adds, and then suddenly his posture changes. From slumped shoulders and a hunched posture, he shifts to lean back in his chair. His shoulders roll back, and he crosses his arms in front of his chest defensively, like he needs a shield to protect himself from his own words. “I got my first tattoo on that very day,” he speaks up again, a small smile chasing over his lips.
“James thought I was suppressing something with all the tattoos and piercings I got. When I started with my motorcycle license, he sat me down and asked if there was something more than just the disinheritance. He knew how complicated and bad the relationship with my parents was, so he probably wondered why I suddenly felt the need to go on twice as many dates because of it. I knew I could have told him. Fuck, I should have told him,” he adds, uncrossing his arms and looking at Remus again.
Remus stares back silently, too afraid to cut in now that Sirius finally decided to open up. His hands twitch slightly in his lap, but he doesn’t dare to move. “But I wasn’t ready for any more rejection. I wasn’t ready to lose more than I already had. I played that role in college. I fit in. Even more so with cool tattoos and a motorcycle. I knew what the life of my uncle had been like. I saw what my family did to him. I witnessed how it affected him. I didn’t want that life. And I was so used to playing along, to fit in,” he rasps out, biting his lip hard, and Remus recognizes the look of shame again.
They stare at each other silently for a while. When Sirius raises his voice again, he looks to the side quickly, as if not being able to meet Remus’s gaze for his next words. “And then I met you again and you were so easy and confident about it all. Just like you already were when we first met. But instead of seeing it as an example for how my life could be, I got so grumpy and mad and I… I hated how just being near you made me realize that I made all the wrong choices long ago and that now it’s way too late to change my mind,” he ends, his voice barely above a whisper now. His shoulders sink with the admission.
Remus exhales a shuddering breath, anger long gone and replaced by pure sadness. “What about your uncle? When did you see him for the last time?” he asks quietly, his thoughts not quite clear yet.
Sirius meets his eyes again, a small, sad smile creeping onto his face, the kind that doesn’t reach his eyes. “He was the only one I still had contact with after I left. Obviously. He lived in London, and I tried to visit him as often as possible.” He takes a few deep breaths before continuing, his chest rising and falling unevenly. “I came out to him three months after my parents threw me out. He was not surprised,” he chuckles a little. “And he was the only one I ever told about me. I even…,” he stops, gulps, and his expression becomes slightly uncertain.
“I told him about you as well. About our weekend. That was the only time I ever talked about it. He encouraged me to tell James as well. To come out to him. And I wanted to. I really did. But then my uncle died, and I thought, see, that’s what you get from a life like that. Regret and sorrow, a family that despises you, and then you die from a heart attack at the age of fifty, utterly alone in your penthouse in London,” he takes another shuddering breath, voice low.
“I still wanted to tell James, but there was my mother’s voice in my head fucking all the time. Telling me what a worthless shit I am. That I’m bringing shame to the family. That I wasn’t made to be loved. That no one could ever endure me long enough to… to fall in love with me,” he adds breathlessly. He crosses his arms again, and his eyes close when his face scrunches in pain.
And that’s it. Remus wants to dig up the graves of Sirius’s mother and father and everyone who ever dared to make him feel worthless. Just to kill each of them all over again.
It takes him a moment to suppress the rage, scared that Sirius might misinterpret it. “Thank you for telling me,” he whispers after a moment of silence. His voice wavers with the effort of holding back everything else he wants to say. But this honest and vulnerable version of Sirius is so new, he feels himself getting cautious. Afraid that the other man might crawl back the moment Remus pushes too much.
Sirius opens his eyes again and forces a slight smile to his face when their gazes meet. “I should have done it a long time ago.”
Remus frowns, shakes his head softly, and leans over the table towards the other man. He looks deep into Sirius’s eyes when he speaks again. “I am so sorry, Sirius. How they treated you. No one deserves this. No one should ever be treated like that. I am so sorry for the way they made you feel. For how it made you act, for how it made you hide.”
Sirius shakes his head violently. “No, don’t. Please, don’t be sorry. I really don’t deserve your pity,” he forces out. “It’s done now. I told you, but I don’t want your pity. I just… I just want us to be able to start again,” he adds quietly.
“We can do that,” Remus assures him. He reaches over the table and places his hand on top, palm facing upwards in what he hopes seems like an invitation. “I’d really like us to be friends,” he adds softly.
“Friends…,” Sirius frowns slightly before reaching over and placing his hand inside of Remus’s, slowly intertwining their fingers. “Yes,” he finally smiles. “I’d like that too.”
Chapter 18: Bargaining II
Notes:
A lot of inner monologue. Hope it's not too exhausting to read! :)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Trip down the road, walking you home
You kiss me at your door
Pullin' me close, beg me, "Stay over"
But I'm over this roller-coaster
I'ma crawl outta the window now
Getting good at saying, "Gotta bounce"
Honestly, you always let me down
And I know we're not just hangin' out
~ Wish You Were Sober – Conan Gray
After those morning confessions, things mostly go back to normal. Remus is glad that they’re not acting cringe around each other, but at the same time, he feels that nagging sensation, that somehow, he always thought that the big talk would change more, unravel something deeper between them. There is still that heaviness in his stomach, which he hoped would lift once Sirius finally was honest. He still doesn’t really know how to approach the other man. He fears that if he pushes too much, Sirius might withdraw again, and at the same time, the other man tends to be impulsive and heady, so Remus wonders why he hasn’t done anything reckless yet.
The thing is, Remus has to remind himself constantly that they agreed to be friends. That’s what’s been blooming between them since before the escalation three days ago, and that’s probably what Sirius needs most right now anyway. No matter what Remus hoped for, or what he imagined when thinking about the confrontation, he won’t ruin what they have now by being too bold and scaring Sirius away again.
But then again, he’s not blind either. He notices Sirius’s lingering glances, the way he checks him out when he thinks Remus isn’t looking. He notices the way he dresses up, walks through the living room shirtless, or stretches a little too long so that his shirt reveals a streak of skin. He’s still doing yoga, the lip piercing is still in place, and sometimes he just takes a ridiculously long time to put his hair into that messy bun with the pin between his teeth, until he lets it glide into long raven curls so slowly, Remus has to try not to drool all over the floor.
But he holds back, he ignores Sirius’s flirty comments, meets his winks with an easy smile, and goes to bed early without having a drink. Because, on the one hand, he doesn’t want to push, and on the other hand, he’s terribly scared of getting hurt again. Just because Sirius might be more honest now, with himself and about his sexuality, doesn’t mean that he’s still interested in Remus on a deeper level. Remus thinks about what Marlene said at their first meeting, and that’s his new mantra: this is about Harry. So neither Remus nor Sirius should exploit the situation by just testing something physical and therefore ruin everything emotional. It’s much easier to find arguments for Harry’s sake rather than to come to terms with the truth and the fact that Remus has a massive crush and is scared shitless of Sirius’s rejection.
So, when three days later, Sebastian asks for another date, Remus is glad for the distraction. Sebastian invites him to his house, where he wants to cook for Remus and maybe watch a movie after, and Remus knows what that actually means. He thinks about the feeling he had when he kissed Sebastian for the first time and caught Sirius watching them. This feeling is back now, as he takes the invitation and indirectly agrees to have sex with Sebastian. He tries to ignore it. Sirius had numerous dates since they’ve been living together, and just because Remus didn’t notice anything since Christmas does not mean that Sirius has stopped. He knows that the ‘fuck him out of your system’ tactic hasn’t worked before either, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not worth another try. And maybe Remus is just tired of being the mature and responsible one. Sebastian is hot as fuck, he clearly wants Remus, and Remus likes him a lot as well. If he thinks about this whole Sirius-related mess too much, he’ll never get over it. And maybe, just maybe, the next step will finally light a spark of desire in Remus.
~~~~~~~~~~
When Remus comes home from work on the day of date number three, he finds a note on the kitchen counter saying that Sirius is in the park with Harry, but that he has to attend an event at the rowing club later. The thing is, Remus hasn’t told him about his own evening plans yet. Not because he thinks it might be a problem or because Sirius might care at all, for surely, he won’t. Remus doesn’t know why he hasn’t said anything yet. So, the fact that Sirius isn’t there in the first place makes it relatively easier. He can just answer with a note back, informing Sirius about his absence and be done with it. No confrontation, no talk, no awkwardness. Not that Sirius would care anyway. Right? Right!
He calls Molly first, asking if she or the twins can look after Harry tonight. She’s delighted to take over and says that Harry can sleep at their place, indicating that Remus might not come home tonight. Then he heads upstairs to prepare for the date, making an effort but keeping it casual as usual.
When he walks down the stairs half an hour later, Sirius is back home. He just came back inside and is still freeing Harry from his little trainers.
“Hey,” he greets, smiling up at Remus softly. “Well, I have that thing at the club tonight, like I said,” he adds, gesturing to the kitchen counter, where he has placed the note. “I forgot to put it in the schedule, I’m sorry. Are you okay with looking after Harry until I’m back?” He straightens up, and Harry immediately comes waddling over into the living room. Sirius doesn’t take his own shoes off, so Remus assumes that he has to leave straight away.
Remus walks past him and tries hard to ignore Sirius’s soft expression. “I already called Molly,” he answers over his shoulder, gathering Harry’s stuff from the living room to pack an overnight bag. “He can stay there until tomorrow,” he adds quickly, when Sirius doesn’t say anything.
“Tomorrow?” Sirius frowns when Remus catches his gaze. He takes a step closer, hands stuffed deep inside his leather jacket. “Why? Where are you going?”
Remus breaks their eye contact and focuses back on the bag. Jesus, why does he feel guilty? “I’m meeting Sebastian,” he says, trying to sound casual. “I’m sorry, I forgot to put it into the planner as well,” he shrugs and meets Sirius’s gaze again, with a forced smile. The other man stares back blankly.
“Sebastian?” he asks monotonously, taking a step back instead.
“Yeah,” Remus nods, rummaging through the stuff in the bag, making a mess but not daring to look at Sirius again.
“A… a date?” the other man asks, sounding a little smaller now.
“Well, yes,” Remus nods, then gulps and looks back up. A frown forms on Sirius’s features and he’s worrying his lip absentmindedly. God, this is awkward. Maybe Remus was wrong. Maybe Sirius does have a problem. Whatever it might be.
“Okay,” he answers plainly and nods, still staring at Remus intensely, as if there is some riddle to solve. “Well, have fun, I guess,” he adds more quietly after a moment when they just stare at each other.
“Thank you,” Remus hums back, searching Sirius’s eyes for the problem he seems to have.
Sirius nods once, twice, and takes another step backwards. “Well, see you later. Or… tomorrow?” It sounds almost like a question and Remus still doesn’t understand what the problem is.
“See you,” he hums back, and that seems to snap Sirius out of his hesitancy. He nods once more and then turns to quickly walk out of the house.
The door clicks shut with more force than necessary, and Remus wonders what the hell he missed during the last few days. He frowns at the door for a moment before ripping himself out of his stupor. He picks Harry up, who is playing with one of his shoes, and grabs the sleepover bag in his other hand before leaving the house. He chats a bit with Molly and Arthur at their door, but they seem to notice that his thoughts are miles away, and release him into the night quickly. He walks back to the house slowly. He still has about twenty minutes to spare, and the evening air is nice and fresh. Now, left to his own thoughts, it finally hits him: Is Sirius jealous? Like, actually jealous of Sebastian? Remus halts in the middle of the street.
If he doesn’t want him to go on another date with the other man, why hasn’t he made a move during the last few days since they talked? Why hasn’t he shown Remus that he is still interested, or interested again? Why hasn’t he given him a sign if he wants them to be more than just friends? Or, well, actually, he has made a move. More than one. Small, tiny even, but unmistakable. He has shown that he might be interested, and he did give him signs. Remus just decided to ignore them. What if those small acts and hints, that Remus interpreted as Sirius’s normal and casual flirty behaviour, were actually proof of the fact that Sirius does want Remus on a deeper level? And Remus, the oblivious idiot, just agreed to go on a date with a man who is not Sirius Black. He could slap himself in the face for it.
Because if that is the case, if Sirius is actually into him, if there might be just a chance he has a crush on him too, then what the hell is Remus doing? He feels stupid, but if there’s only a tiny chance of Sirius actually wanting him, he obviously can’t go on a date with someone else. How is he supposed to concentrate on a word Sebastian says if there is a chance to be with Sirius instead? It wouldn’t be fair to either of them to act as if Remus hadn’t decided what he himself has wanted long ago.
He hasn’t even noticed, but during his frenetic thinking he has started walking again and now he’s standing in front of his car, unsure if he should step in and drive over to Sebastian’s, or if he should head back inside the house to… to what? To wait for Sirius to come home? And then?
In the end, he does the only thing that’s fair. To Sirius, to himself, and probably to Sebastian most of all. He pulls his phone out, breathes in and out deeply a few times to calm his nerves, and then he cancels the date. The call is not as short as he supposed it would be. It’s hurtful and a little awkward, and Remus feels bad for how understanding Sebastian is. He hangs up, steps back into the house, and then waits. And waits and waits.
The clock seems to tick a lot slower than usual. Normally those events don’t last longer than 10 p.m. Sure, Remus told Sirius that Harry is going to stay at the Weasleys until tomorrow, but usually Sirius doesn’t like to stay at work longer than necessary. Unless… unless he got distracted on his way home. Remus’s throat tightens. What if Sirius found himself someone else because he thought Remus was on a date as well? What if he’s with someone else right this very second? What if he’s fucking some woman while Remus sits here waiting for him to come home? Fuck, what if he’s sleeping with another man instead? Somehow the thought of Sirius being fucked by a man that isn’t Remus bothers him far more than all the women over the last few months. What if Remus got it all wrong? What if Sirius isn’t interested in him at all? What if it’s just his sexuality he has come to terms with? And now he’s testing it out with someone else?
~~~~~~~~~~
Remus is about to go to bed, even though he’s sure he won’t be able to sleep anyway, when the front door finally swings open and Sirius steps, no, stumbles, into the house. It takes Remus just one look at the other man to recognize that he’s drunk. His posture is a little hunched, which is a stark difference from his usual proud and posh deportment. His steps are a little uncoordinated, as if his shoes were too big, and the keys slip out of his hands the second he steps over the threshold. He leans down to grab them, and when he straightens back up, his gaze lands on Remus.
He seems to sober up immediately. For a moment, he stands frozen in the entrance hall, as if he’s trying to decide if Remus is real or just an alcohol-influenced hallucination. He seems to decide that Remus, leaning against the back of the couch, is indeed real.
“Oh. Hey,” he greets casually with only a light slur in his voice and starts pulling off his shoes and leather jacket. “You’re home early,” he adds, still standing by the door as if he doesn’t dare to come nearer.
Remus breathes in deeply, fixing Sirius with his gaze. “I haven’t left,” he answers slowly, contemplating.
A surprised expression washes over Sirius’s features, and he takes a few steps in Remus’s direction. “What?” he asks, quietly.
Remus shrugs with faint nonchalance, still leaning against the couch, watching Sirius. “I cancelled the date. I… couldn’t,” he answers softly.
“Really?” Sirius takes a shuddering breath in. “Why?” he asks more firmly, before taking a few more steps. “Why did you cancel it?” he presses on.
Remus can’t keep the disbelieving chuckle in. “Come on, Sirius. You know why,” he almost whispers.
Sirius frowns and looks almost hurt for a second. “I don’t, actually.”
Remus shrugs again, trying to maintain eye contact even though Sirius’s piercing gaze is almost too much to bear. “I can’t do that right now. It wouldn’t be fair to him,” he murmurs. “With everything that’s been happening between us,” he adds even quieter.
“Do you mean…?” Sirius starts, then stops himself and looks at Remus intensely. Whatever he’s searching for, he seems to find it in his expression. “Remus,” he breathes out, and then takes two more big steps. Remus doesn’t get any time to protest, even if he wanted to.
Sirius’s lips are on his as soon as he steps into Remus’s personal space. He kisses like his life depends on it. Pressing, demanding, claiming. And Remus’s body reacts on its own. Pure instinct, pure reflex. His mind shuts down, his hands shoot up to grab for Sirius’s waist, and the other man makes a satisfied sound that’s borderline needy. And Remus gives in to it. Gives in to the sound, gives in to the taste of too many Old Fashioneds, and the warm breath that washes over his face. One, two, three seconds, until Sirius slightly stumbles where he stands, from the way he leans on Remus, and his mind catches up to the situation.
Sirius is drunk, like properly plastered, and no matter how much Remus wants this. No matter how much he has yearned for it. No matter how often he imagined it. No matter how desperately he wants to undress Sirius right here and carry him up the stairs to do all sorts of unspeakable things to him. He clearly can’t act on his desire when Sirius’s mind is clouded. This could very well just be some intrusive thought that he might terribly regret in the morning.
He places his hands on Sirius’s shoulders instead and pushes the other man an arm’s length away. "No," he says to articulate his intention.
Sirius blinks up at him out of clouded, confused eyes. "Why not?" he pouts and, yes, he’s clearly even more drunk than Remus thought. "Moony, please, I want you," he adds and then tries to get close to Remus again. Moony, God, have mercy. Remus won’t survive this again.
“Sirius,” Remus scolds slightly. “Please,” he adds, voice more pleading. His hands slip from Sirius’s shoulders with Sirius next movement forward, so instead he grabs Sirius’s wrists, trying to stop the other man from reaching for him again. Now there is an actual pout on his lips, paired with a lovely frown between his brows. He looks up at Remus in an almost offended way. And God, this is so unfair. Where is Remus supposed to get the strength from? “Not like this,” he speaks up again and shakes his head. “I can't be your experiment anymore,” he adds quietly.
That seems to pull Sirius out of his intention to haul himself at Remus. "You're no experiment," he answers, leaning away slightly to look at Remus properly again, his wrists still held in the air between them.
"No?” Remus asks, eyebrows raised. “Can you promise me that you won’t run away again? Can you promise me that you'd like to remember tomorrow morning?" he pushes, shaking Sirius’s wrists slightly as if to prove his point. Sirius’s gaze shifts towards the floor, and Remus lets go of him when he pulls at the tight grip. “Yeah, I thought so,” he huffs out, staring down at Sirius, who won’t meet his eyes. "I don't want it like this, Sirius, and definitely not while you're drunk," he says with finality.
Sirius’s gaze snaps back up and now he glares at Remus. “No, Remus really. I want that,” he takes another step forward, but Remus is faster, stepping aside, away from the couch. “I want you,” he clarifies quietly. But Remus is already at the bottom of the stairs not ready for the expression on Sirius’s face.
“Go to bed, Sirius,” he orders over his shoulder, before quickly disappearing upstairs.
Notes:
Just a short one. Next one will be... longer
Chapter 19: Bargaining III
Notes:
Listen, I really tried to ease into this, but… it kinda got out of hand. Wolfstar always does that to me, lol. If smut really isn’t your thing and you’re only here for the hurt and fluff, feel free to skip this chapter. But the story is rated explicit and I added some tags, so I should be safe. This probably qualifies as “unrealistic sex,” but honestly, sometimes that’s exactly what we’re here for, right? Right!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Let me touch you where you like it
Let me do it for ya
Give you all of my attention
Dive into that ocean of your love, oh
Let me show you just how much I want ya
Oh, dripping down your body like gold
Slowly steaming up the windows
My skin on your skin, again and again
Sweat for me, sweat for me
Oh, I could get lost in a heartbeat
I can get lost in your body
Can't take my eyes off you, baby
Let me love you, baby
~ Sweat – ZAYN
For half of the night Remus tosses and turns in his bed, almost regretting his reaction to Sirius’s move, but at the same time dreading the next morning and whatever talk they’re about to have. More than once he’s about to walk down to the basement to take his rejection back, but then again, he’s still sure about not wanting drunk Sirius to do something he might regret later.
He wakes up early as usual, takes a quick morning shower, and then goes for a quiet morning walk. He debates picking Harry up from the Weasleys, but maybe it’s better to wait and see how the mood between him and Sirius turns out before Harry is in the middle of some arguing again. When he comes back home it’s still early, and he kinda expected Sirius to sleep until noon, but when he steps into the kitchen, he can hear the shower running upstairs. He busies himself with the coffee machine, but that still doesn’t keep his heart rate from speeding up as soon as he hears the water stopping.
It takes another ten minutes for Sirius to come down the stairs. He freezes when he catches sight of Remus behind the kitchen counter. He looks miserable, but in a more emotional way, rather than hungover. But then again, it’s a Sunday morning. Sirius is standing in front of him, wet hair, thin sweatpants, plain white t-shirt, barefoot, and suddenly Remus has a hard time breathing.
“Morning,” Sirius mumbles softly, cautiously, as if trying to test the waters. His eyes wander over Remus’s face.
“Morning,” Remus hums back quietly. He ignores the coffee machine for the moment and instead concentrates on Sirius.
The other man takes a deep breath before he breaks their eye contact to look down at the floor. “I’m sorry for yesterday, Remus,” he almost whispers. “I was so mad about your date and then I got completely plastered at the event and when I came home and you said that you didn’t even go...,” he starts, and Remus’s heart speeds up immediately. “But then I got it all wrong. I planned it for days, really. Or weeks, if I’m being honest. Months probably. But I messed it up and I’m so sorry,” he adds, quickly glancing up at Remus. Remus, on the other hand, feels like flying. “I know that just because you cancelled your date with Sebastian doesn’t change anything between us. Even if I want it to. But it’s not what you want and that’s fine. It’s got to be fine. I –,”
“Sirius,” Remus cuts in, rounding the kitchen counter, then stopping next to it as if scared to come too close yet.
“Yeah?” Sirius blinks up at him.
Remus tries to catch his gaze again and then smiles softly at the other man. “I didn’t want to take advantage. I never said that it’s not what I want,” he hums softly again.
Sirius’s eyes grow huge, and a hesitant smile fights its way to his lips. “What?” he breathes out disbelievingly.
Remus chuckles slightly, now actually taking a step closer towards Sirius. “Come on, have you not been present during all of our conversations lately?” he asks, raising an eyebrow at Sirius. “I thought I was being quite obvious,” he shrugs and then bites his lip so as not to grin like an idiot. He pauses, but Sirius still just stares up at him, waiting. “I never stopped wanting you,” Remus adds, his voice suddenly slightly raspy. “I just couldn’t do it while you were drunk.”
An enormous smile spreads on Sirius’s face, he straightens up slightly, and the arms that were crossed in front of his chest fall down to his sides. "Well, I'm sober now," he answers breathlessly. “And I still –,”
Remus doesn’t let him finish. He’s in front of Sirius with three long strides. One hand on his hip, the other in his hair. He pulls Sirius towards him almost roughly and then finally, finally their lips meet again. Sirius’s knees give up and he melts into Remus’s arms just like he did all those years ago. His breath catches against his mouth as if he’s suddenly able to breathe properly again. And he clings to Remus like he’s a lifeline. His arms wrap around Remus’s neck and his hands fist into his hair so much it hurts. Remus’s whole body lights up with the sweet pain. He feels like he’s bursting up into flames.
It’s so different from their kiss from last night. Soft sweatpants instead of tight black jeans, dripping wet curls instead of a messy bun, citrus shampoo instead of whiskey. Remus adores both versions of Sirius, he craves every version of Sirius. But this is old Sirius, this is ten-years-ago Sirius. It’s memories mixed with common territory. And something deep inside Remus, something hidden, finally opens back up and pours out between them, catching on everything that Sirius is willing to give.
"Moony," Sirius whines into the kiss, and Remus pulls back slightly to look at the other man. Their foreheads press together, and their breaths mix between them.
"You already said that yesterday,” Remus murmurs with a slight smile. “That’s what my friends in school called me. What Lily and James called me."
Sirius smiles back at him and tries to catch his lips again. "Yeah, I like it, it kinda fits you," he hums.
"Well, thank you, Padfoot," Remus chuckles, squeezing Sirius’s hips and pulling him in even closer.
A breath escapes Sirius’s chest. "Doesn't that fit me as well?"
"It probably does," Remus hums before capturing Sirius's lips in another kiss. It grows desperate so quickly it’s like both of them are trying to make up for all the lost moments right here, right now. And Sirius just tastes too fucking good. When Remus’s tongue slips into the other man’s mouth, he notices peppermint paired with a hint of black tea. It’s addictive, and Sirius’s mouth, his lips and tongue, fuck, his whole body fits to Remus’s perfectly, just like he remembered it. Two puzzle pieces finally reunited.
"Fuck, Moons," Sirius pants into the kiss, hands still in his hair, spine curving backwards, lower back pressing against Remus’s hands. And it’s that feeling, that voice, that Sirius, that makes every restriction in Remus combust. It’s that Sirius he wants to cuddle on the couch with, he wants to kiss and hold hands with, he wants to laugh with and listen to music with and talk to and fall asleep with. But right now, it’s this Sirius he wants to rip the clothes off of, push down on a mattress, and fuck into oblivion. "I thought you didn't want me anymore," Sirius murmurs. And honestly? Remus almost laughs at that ridiculous statement.
"I want, believe me. I want so much. I'll always want you," he almost growls back. "I'm starving, Sirius," he adds, and that earns him one of those beautiful whines he missed so much.
“I want to feel you again,” Sirius moans into the kiss, rolling his hips up against Remus’s. “Please,” he adds.
It takes Remus exactly one brush of Sirius’s hardness against his own to decide what’s gonna happen next. Sirius rolls his hips up one more time suggestively, and Remus intentionally turns his mind off. Trusting purely in his intentions and feelings just like he did ten years ago.
He reaches down slightly and catches Sirius’s thighs to wrap them around his hips. “Up,” he indicates against Sirius’s mouth, and the other man immediately reacts with a mini jump into his arms. Sirius’s strong legs lock around his middle and Remus’s hands land on his arse instantly. Even through the material of the sweatpants, he can feel that Sirius isn’t wearing anything underneath. He groans into the other man’s shoulder and then starts walking up the stairs.
“Fuck, that’s so hot,” Sirius half pants, half chuckles, head tipping back, and Remus’s grip on his ass tightens. It takes him a ridiculously long time to walk up the stairs, afraid to stumble and send Sirius flying. But this has been part of his fantasies more often than not, and Sirius seems to enjoy himself, placing kisses all over his neck and jawline.
When they arrive upstairs, Remus kicks the door to his room open and then quickly places Sirius on top of the bed. The other man pulls him between his parted legs instantly and then they’re kissing again. Hungrily, breathlessly, beautifully. Sirius grinds up against him desperately, pulling Remus closer with each movement.
But the thing is, he still has to be careful. Sirius is confident and obedient, almost submissive in the way he blinks up at Remus through long lashes and presses the back of his spine against the hands that are wrapped around his waist. But at the same time, Sirius hasn't bottomed for ten years.
Both of them don't lack a broad range of sexual experience, but while Remus learned all the ways in which to please, in which to completely ruin his sexual partners, if they want him to, Sirius never experienced saying what he likes and doesn't like. To know his boundaries or to push past them if he feels secure enough to try.
All of his experience in sex with another man is limited to what the 18-year-old, inexperienced version of Remus was able to give him, and now he is highly aware of the responsibility he has. It can’t hurt to just ask though.
"What do you want, baby?" The pet name slips over his tongue automatically. "What can I do to make you feel good?"
"Do what you did ten years ago," Sirius pants mindlessly, using Remus’s distraction to reach down for his belt and fly. "And more. I want more. I want everything," he whispers, reaching for Remus’s face to pull him into another kiss, while his other hand gets to work on Remus’s jeans.
"We need to be careful, love. I don't want to hurt you," Remus hums against his lips before leaning back slightly, to look at the other man.
Sirius glares up at him, and it almost looks cute, given the circumstances. "Don't want you to be careful."
"Sirius," Remus warns with a raised eyebrow.
"No, I want to make up for the last ten years. Don't hesitate, Remus,” Sirius answers. And then with a whisper and a bite on his plush lips. “Fuck me like you mean it."
Well, who is Remus to say no to that? "You need to trust me for this. Do you trust me?" he asks, running one hand all the way up Sirius’s side.
"Of course I do," Sirius hums, leaning into the touch.
"But you need to talk to me, okay? Communication is key, love," Remus adds, repeating the movement.
Now Sirius has the actual audacity to roll his eyes. He leans up on his elbows to be at eye level with him. "Remus, I'm a grown-up man. I came fucking untouched within about ten minutes of not only my first time bottoming, but my very first time having sex at all. I rode you on the second evening and you fucked me in the goddamn shower on the third. Cut the bullshit and treat me like you want to treat me," he huffs out before sinking back into the pillows, pulling Remus down with him. The next seconds happen in a blaze.
Sirius’s shirt is off first, his pants follow quickly, and Remus was right, there is nothing underneath. Sirius lying beneath him, naked, while Remus is still fully dressed, is doing things to him, he isn’t quite ready to analyze yet.
He takes a moment to stare down at the man lying on the mattress in front of him. A moment to let his eyes run over pale skin, decorated with numerous tattoos. Remus wants to know the meaning of each one of them. Sirius’s eyes are half closed, his quick breathing makes his chest rise and fall visibly, and his hands fist into the fabric next to him.
When Sirius starts to make those impatient sounds again, Remus makes quick work of his own clothing. When he shifts back between Sirius’s open, inviting legs, they groan in unison at the feeling of skin against skin. Sirius’s soft, porcelain limbs are radiating heat. And Remus’s mind explodes when their hard, leaking cocks align on top of Sirius’s stomach. He lets his hands roam over long legs, neat hips, and strong arms greedily. Tracing tattoos, muscles and birthmarks, trying to memorize every inch, while slowly shifting his hips to create a minimum of friction. Sirius’s head tips back and his legs wrap around Remus’s waist again to pull him closer. "God, Remus. I want you to fuck me into the next century," he groans up at the ceiling desperately.
"Yeah?" Remus hums back, tracing kisses over Sirius’s neck, halting at his pulse point.
"Yes! Spank me, choke me, bite me," he rasps out, emphasizing his need with another greedy roll of his hips.
Remus can’t help himself, with a defeated groan his head falls to Sirius’s chest. The other man chuckles quietly at Remus’s obvious defeat. But no, this is a game two can play at. With quick movements Remus unwraps Sirius’s legs from his hips and opens them up more, pulling him down the mattress at his ankles. He shifts slightly and starts a kissing trail down Sirius’s chest and stomach.
"Bet you tried to chase the feeling of me inside of you, haven't you?" he murmurs against his skin. "Was anything ever good enough?"
Now it’s Sirius’s breath that stumbles over his next words while Remus blindly reaches for his bedside table. "N-no,” he rasps out, hips lifting up from the bed when Remus arrives at his groin. “Fingered myself so often. Thought about you filling me up every time." Remus can’t stop the surprised sound escaping his lips. Well, that’s much more than he'd hoped for. He opens up the cap of the lube bottle with his right hand, and a moan rips out of Sirius’s tense body just from the sound of it. As a reward Remus starts placing kisses up Sirius’s dick, eating up every word Sirius says.
"Hated myself for leaving, hated you for not coming back, wanted you ever since. It was so hard to stay away from you,” he rambles on. “And my fantasies, God, I was going crazy, borderline pornographic, the imaginations I had…" Sirius’s breathing hitches, and Remus purrs a generous amount of lube over his fingers.
"Tell me about them, what did you imagine?" he mumbles against Sirius’s tip.
"You, bending me over the kitchen counter, ah…,” Sirius stops when Remus licks off the drop of precum. “Fucking me against it. Pinning me down on the living room floor,” he keeps going, breathlessly. Remus starts teasing his entrance with two slick fingers and the other man shudders with the sensation.
“Following me into the shower, fuck…,” Sirius moans out when Remus swallows him down in one go while simultaneously slipping one finger past the tight rim. Sirius’s voice is more breathless stutter than actual words, but Remus still hums in approval around the length in his mouth. “Making a mess, pushing me against the cold tiles, God…” Sirius’s back lifts off the mattress when a second finger enters him, stretching him out, scissoring him open.
“I stopped counting how many times I got myself off to the thought of you finally pushing into me again," Sirius whines, and Remus pulls off to lean over him and connect their lips again. Sirius moans into his mouth and Remus dips his tongue past open lips to give Sirius a taste of himself. His fingers continue their work slowly, smoothly, relentlessly, preparing Sirius and transforming him into a moaning mess at the same time.
"God, no-one gives blowjobs like you do, Remus John Lupin," Sirius adds around another moan, and Remus chuckles into their sloppy kiss.
He sits back on his knees to watch three of his fingers disappearing inside of Sirius. The heat of his skin pulses against Remus’s knuckles. He opens up for him, legs parted widely. No shame, no hesitation. And he looks fucking sinful. Made out of marble. All soft limbs and tight skin. Pure muscles and smooth movements. Remus gives them one more minute of preparation until his hands start to shake in desperation.
He pulls his fingers out of Sirius, rolls a condom on, and lays back down in between his parted legs. Sirius’s arms reach out to pull him closer, one hand coming to rest on Remus’s lower back. One last questioning eye contact. Sirius looks up at him out of dark, hungry eyes and then his lips part into that smile. That's all Remus needed. He lines up, pushes into Sirius smoothly, bottoms out, and fuck, that's where he belongs. Ten years and that's what's been missing all along. After so much time, he finally feels like he has arrived again. And Sirius is breathless beneath him. Spread open, gripping the sheets like they might save him. His own lungs stutter, his heart hammers against his ribcage frantically and Sirius clenches around him, hot and overwhelming from the very first second.
"Oh God, you feel just as good as I remember," Sirius moans, eyes fixed on Remus, the air between them intensified by pure desire.
"Yeah?” Remus asks back, his hips rolling forward once. “You feel better. Fuck, Sirius, memories could never do you justice."
He starts slow, giving the other man time to adjust. Firm, steady, deep thrusts while watching every flicker that washes over Sirius’s features. Getting lost in the way his lips part softly with every moan, in the way his long lashes flutter over pale skin when his eyes shut close in pleasure.
"How is it possible that you're even tighter than I remember," Remus pants, not even sure what he’s saying.
"Out of practice," Sirius huffs out, clinging to Remus and moving his own hips in sync with him.
"No,” Remus breathes back, lips brushing over lips. “Made for me, that’s what you are. Only. Ever. Me," he growls out, punctuating every word with another deep thrust, and Sirius tenses and clings to him.
"Remus," he rasps out desperately, and when Remus changes the angle slightly, his whole posture changes. Tension becomes desperation. His head tips back, and the noises he makes become raw.
The rest is pure body memory. Remus almost forgot. He almost forgot the melody of Sirius's high-pitched moans. He almost forgot that obscene way he rolls his hips rhythmically. He almost forgot how it feels when he clenches around him. Almost.
An arch of Sirius’s back and Remus pins both of his hands on the pillow overhead. And Sirius gasps, fingers flexing as if he’s fighting the urge to grab back. His other hand curls around Sirius’s spine to pull him closer, pull him in with every thrust. His movements become sharper, more demanding, claiming. Sirius cries out, and Remus’s hand slips to his thigh instead, gripping the back of his knee to push it up towards his chest. The movement spreads Sirius wider, allows Remus to thrust so much deeper. Your pleasure is mine.
And Sirius turns feral. “Ah, fuck, yes, so deep,” he moans over and over again, knee touching chest. “Who’s lucky I did yoga now, huh?” he huffs out in his breathless delirium, a shaky grin tugs at his mouth even as his legs tremble from the stretch.
“I loved watching you do yoga,” Remus rasps back, lips brushing Sirius’s collarbone.
“You ran away every, ah, fuck… every fucking time.”
“Had to keep myself from taking you right there on that mat,” Remus admits with a slight chuckle of his own.
“Hng, God, ‘s what I wanted you to do,” the other man sighs before interrupting himself with a loud groan. Remus can’t get enough of those beautiful sounds. He wants to earn each and every one of them.
Gripping Sirius’s waist tightly, he rolls them around smoothly, so that the other man lands in his lap. Legs spread wide, he whimpers beautifully when he sinks down on Remus’s cock. Chest rising and falling quickly, hands clutching Remu’s shoulders tightly. He presses his face to the crook of Remus’s neck and Remus will have none of it. He has to see the pleasure in his bright grey eyes. Running a hand into Sirius's still wet curls, he grabs a handful and pulls his head back. Sirius's jaw slacks and his eyes roll into the back of his head. His breath hitches as a beautiful flush spreads on his face and chest. He arches his spine so much, Remus is afraid he might bend in half.
"Fuuuuck," he almost screams up at the ceiling. "You, ah... you remember that?"
"Baby, I remember everything," Remus punctuates his words with a long roll of his hips. Sirius meets him with needy little ruts of his own hips. His face makes all sorts of expressions, mouth still slack, moan after moan tipping over his parted lips.
“You’re perfect, baby. Look at you. So eager,” Remus hums, nearly lost in his own desire, but not ready to miss a second of Sirius’s.
“Oh God, Re,” he pants. “So full, fuck, you feel so fucking good.” Remus shifts his angle, hits that spot inside Sirius that makes him cry out, that makes him arch his back again.
Remus growls and fucks into him harder. Pants and moans and sighs and screams spill against Remus’s parted lips. He breathes in every sound and owns it.
“Are you gonna come for me?” Remus grinds into that exact place again, again, again.
“Yes, fuck, close, so close,” Sirius whines again and then it’s just a breathless cascade of syllables. “Comme ça... oui... vas-y, vas-y!”
God, the French. Remus almost forgot how special that makes him feel. How much he thrives on the feeling of getting Sirius there. Like a secret language only they share, a thread that pulls him closer into Sirius’s world. Like a man possessed. The waves of Sirius’s orgasm become crashes of belonging. Mine, Remus thinks as he pulls Sirius’s fluttering hips closer. Mine, he thinks as he keeps thrusting upwards, pushing Sirius over the cliff and beyond. Mine, he growls against the sharp edge of Sirius’s jawline when the other man screams his name in pleasure.
Sirius doesn’t stop his movements even after he came all over both of their stomachs, and neither does Remus. “Don’t stop, please, want to feel you come too,” he whispers, still desperately.
“Okay, just… like this, baby,” Remus hums back, shifting them around to place Sirius back on the mattress. He slips out of him, and Sirius immediately protests, but Remus runs a soothing hand over his damp side. “Turn around, make yourself comfortable,” he whispers, when Sirius curves into the touch. “Let me have you like this.”
Sirius rolls over onto his stomach without hesitation. Arms stretched out overhead, head facing sideways on the pillows, hips in the air, ready for Remus to grab.
“Come here, come here, need to feel you again,” he pleads.
Remus doesn’t hesitate either. He leans over him and sinks back into his trembling body, mesmerized by the way Sirius shakes beneath him. “Fuck, Moons,” he sighs as soon as Remus is back inside of him.
“God, you’re incredible,” Remus groans back, picking up his movements. He’s so close, his thrusts become erratic. Quick and deep. His eyes roam over Sirius body, zooming into the place where they’re connected, amazed by the way his dick slips in and out of Sirius. His hands flex on Sirius hips, gripping tighter, leaving marks. Owning.
“Hair, please,” the other man demands in a shaky whisper, paired with another desperate sound escaping his parted lips.
“Whatever you need,” Remus answers, running one hand back into Sirius’s raven curls, pushing long, wet strands of hair out of his face, fisting at the back of his head.
Sirius spine curves beautifully. His long fingers fist into the pillows on top, his hips roll obscenely. Legs shaking, cheeks blushing, moan after moan rolls over his tongue, paired with sighs of Remus’s name. When Remus angles his hand and pulls Sirius’s head to the side, sharp teeth bite into plush lips, and his eyes close after they roll into the back of his head. Like he’s made for this. Remus angles again, finds Sirius’s spot again and the other man becomes limp underneath him.
“Fuck. Yes!”
Remus’s whole universe might explode at any second. His heart pounds loud in his ears, muscles tightening, breath shallow and fast as every nerve in his body brims with fire. “God, are you gonna come again?” he groans desperately, disbelievingly.
“I might, fuck, Re, touch me, please.” Sirius is shaking now, voice trembling with need, open and wrecked and glistening with sweat, his entire body strung tight with need. Remus feels every sensation mirrored in his own veins.
He takes the time to run his hand from Sirius’s scalp all the way over damp shoulders and sharp hipbones. He reaches around the other man to wrap his hand around Sirius’s cock, and with the first soft stroke, Sirius’s arms collapse and his face presses into the pillow instead. His breathing hitches with every thrust, and then the French is back.
“Plus fort... plus vite..., Moony, fuck,” Sirius’s moans turn into breathless whimpers, almost wordless.
“That’s it, baby. Come here, I have you. Let me see you fall apart for me,” Remus groans, utterly undone by the surrender in the other man’s voice. His other hand wanders from Sirius’s hip to his shoulder, and with a sharp pull the other man is in his lap again. Chest to back. Remus on his knees, holding Sirius on top of his thighs firmly before picking up his frantic thrusts. Everything to rip another high out of Sirius.
“Yes, yes, please. Remplis-moi... Don’t stop,” Sirius gasps, almost delirious.
Remus’s hand curls softly around his throat, not quite squeezing yet, just holding, just a reminder. Mine. Sirius’s head rolls back on his shoulder, his hair brushing down Remus’s chest. Moans that sound more like broken sobs. Remus quickens his tight strokes on Sirius’s dick to the rhythm of his sounds.
“Fuck, fuck, I can’t… je vais me perdre… just like that... oh God, yes... you’re everywhere...,” his voice cracks and Remus burns with the melody of it.
He growls low in his throat, fucks into him harder, teeth grazing Sirius’s neck as he murmurs against the damp skin. “Yes, baby. Everywhere, You’re mine. Don’t hold back, love. Let me hear you.”
With his hand still curled around Sirius’s throat, he feels every shuddering breath against his palm, every stumbling heartbeat against his fingertips. Remus’s open mouth brushes over the smooth skin of the crook of his neck. Sirius arches, and melts into every thrust, chokes on every moan.
“Yes, j’suis à toi.” His voice an almost strangled sound. Their breaths become one, their bodies tangled, connected, hearts beating in the same rhythm.
One tight brush over his full length, paired with a light squeeze around his throat. Sirius becomes so tight, that Remus finally can’t resist any longer. The other man moans so loud that it’s ringing in his ears. Sirius’s body trembles in release. Remus clings to him by the way his whole posture slacks into his arms. He holds him tight, fucks them through it. His own orgasm seizes through his legs, makes his toes curl and his hands feel numb.
It seems like an eternity until their breaths slow down slightly and somehow Remus manages to lay both of them back down. Sirius collapses on the mattress. He groans when Remus slips out of him and when he rolls around to stare at the ceiling a breathless laugh escapes his lips. “Oh God, I think I might pass out,” he chuckles.
“Come here, don’t rush,” Remus murmurs back, voice just as spent. He pulls Sirius in by his waist and the other man shifts over the sheets willingly.
“What are you doing to me?” Sirius pants into the hands that came up to rub over his face before diving into his messy hair. “You’re telling me I could have had this for the past four years?” he asks, turning his face to the side, huge eyes directed at Remus, pupils still a little dilated. “I am such an idiot,” he adds with a whisper, more to himself.
“I won’t argue against that,” Remus hums with a smile, his hand absentmindedly running up and down Sirius’s side.
“Holy fuck,” Sirius breathes out again with a chuckle, shifting on the mattress, gulping repeatedly over his still slightly panting breaths.
“You’re alright? Want something to drink?” Remus voices his concerns. He doesn’t want Sirius to pass out for real.
Sirius’s eyes roam over the ceiling until they focus on Remus again, an almost stupid grin creeping to his face. “I think I just entered a new level of consciousness.”
Remus snorts and hides his face in the pillow for a second. “Well, you said you wanted to be fucked into the next century,” he grins, when he dives back up.
“And you clearly took that quite literally,” Sirius laughs breathlessly again. “Twice, Remus,” he shakes his head, in disbelief. “I just came twice. That shouldn’t even be possible.”
Remus’s soft snort develops into a chuckle.
“I think that might be my body telling me that I was a fool thinking I could ever be straight,” Sirius keeps going and Remus chuckle turns into a laugh. He pulls Sirius even closer and grins against his shoulder, before biting into it playfully.
“I mean, damn, I think I was born to do this,” Sirius adds, running his hands across his face again before giving his body a full stretch on the mattress, back arching off the mattress, hips and shoulders rolling in exhausted satisfaction. “Born to bottom, don’t you think?”
Remus finally bursts out laughing and Sirius quickly joins in, blinking up at Remus, mesmerized.
When they sober up, Remus rolls back around to face the other man, and Sirius mirrors his posture to properly look at him. Remus brushes a damp strand of hair out of Sirius’s face and the other man looks at him so softly, Remus sighs into the quietness of the room.
“But, honestly, how do you feel?” he asks quietly. “Are you alright?”
“I feel fantastic,” Sirius murmurs back with a soft smile.
“You’re unbelievable,” Remus hums back in awe.
“We should probably get Harry soon, or Molly is gonna worry,” he thinks out loud after a moment of shared silence.
Sirius hums in agreement. “I don’t know if I can walk though.”
“Stay here, I can go get him,” Remus answers, raising himself up in a sitting position. “I should probably shower first,” he adds, looking down at himself.
Sirius chuckles. “Damn if I knew I’d do a workout I wouldn’t have showered earlier.”
“Better than yoga?” Remus teases, leaning back over him to catch his lips in a slow, lazy kiss.
“Hm, definitely,” Sirius replies before biting his lip suggestively.
Remus catches his lip with his thumb. “Stop that, or I swear we’ll never leave this bed.”
“That’s the plan,” Sirius winks back. “If I’m that irresistible, why did you never make a move before?”
“If I had known that’s what you wanted as well, I would have done it a long time ago.”
A frown forms between Sirius’s brows. “I am so sorry, Remus.”
Remus makes a disapproving sound and runs his thumb over Sirius’s bottom lip again. “None of that now, baby.”
Sirius just sighs instead of answering, and Remus grins. “Oh, you like that, don’t you?” he hums lowly. “Baby?”
Sirius sighs again and then rolls on top of Remus to start kissing him again. Remus gives in for a while, his hands running over Sirius’s naked back slowly, his tongue dipping into his mouth lazily.
“Okay, that’s it. We have to get Harry back,” he tears himself away, softly pushing Sirius to the other side of the bed. “I will actively try to remind us that we have a child to care for,” he adds, sitting back up. “And you can already rehearse being less audible in the future. We can’t bring Harry over to Molly and Arthur every other night, or they will start asking questions,” he winks down at Sirius before finally standing up fully.
“Well, maybe you should start fucking me less good if you want me to keep quiet,” Sirius purrs back, arching one eyebrow suggestively.
Remus immediately leans over the mattress to press a kiss to his lips. Again. He’s so weak. But then he really tears himself away and starts dressing.
He’s in the middle of bottoning up his jeans when Sirius catches sight of something on the other side of the room. “Oh my god, that’s where you’ve been hiding your record player?” He’s out of the bed and kneels in front of the sideboard. Still naked.
“I’m not hiding it,” Remus chuckles slightly. Pulling his t-shirt over his head and desperately trying to straighten his hair.
“But you’ve been actively keeping it away from me,” Sirius adds, frowning over his shoulder. Remus gets a little distracted by the way he’s sitting naked on his bedroom floor.
Sirius starts shuffling through his records until a vicious smile spreads on his lips. Remus barely catches a glimpse of an AC/DC album before the intro of ‘Back in Black’ fills the room. Interesting choice for after-sex vibes. Oh wait…
Sirius rises up in front of Remus and starts rolling his hips. A suggestive smile plastered on his face. “Get it?” he beams. “Back,” he starts, putting his index finger to the middle of Remus’s chest. “In Black,” he adds, pointing to himself.
Remus bursts out laughing and Sirius joins in and then suddenly Sirius is on top of the sideboard, legs wrapped around Remus’s waist, hands fisted in Remus’s hair. And, no, he has to put an end to it. They have a godson and can’t act like horny teenagers all day. He tells Sirius as much and the other man pouts, running his hands over Remus’s chest, creating goosebumps all over it. It takes another fifteen minutes until Remus finally manages to rip himself away. Sirius is back in bed, tangled in sheets and that clearly doesn’t make it any easier to go.
Notes:
If any of you happen to be French: I’m so sorry. My school French skills died a long time ago, and yet here I am, confidently throwing out phrases like I didn’t fail half my verb tests. So what’s left is basically vibes and Google. I tried, I swear, but if this isn’t authentic French dirty talk, just… pretend it is? Merci!
Chapter 20: Bargaining IV
Notes:
We're officially entering the fluffy phase of the fic! Lets see how long it lasts...
Chapter Text
You were all that I wanted
You know that you still are
'Cause I've been alright, yeah, but you showed me better
I know that we're changing
But nothing feels different
I'm breaking the silence to say
If in ten years’ time I'm still on your mind
Would you call and say you want this?
No matter where we are you still have my heart
'Cause I locked it, and I promise
You're the locksmith
~ Locksmith – Sadie Jean
When Remus comes back from the Weasleys, Harry fast asleep in his arms, Sirius switched from AC/DC to Fleetwood Mac. The smooth tunes of ‘Tango in the Night’ fill the morning atmosphere of the house. Sirius isn’t in bed anymore though. Instead, Remus finds him leaning in the doorway of the main bedroom. He has put on some boxer briefs and over them one of Remus’s jumpers. He almost drowns in the thick material and Remus gets a little dizzy from the way the forest green colour of the hoodie contrasts with his long pale legs.
He tucks Harry into bed, careful not to wake him from his nap, closes the door to his room softly and then steps next to Sirius. Somehow, he desperately wants to wrap his arms around Sirius’s waist from behind, but the short walk over to the Weasleys gave him a little reality check and now he’s not quite sure how close he’s allowed to get.
His inner struggle becomes irrelevant when Sirius shifts and leans on him instead of the doorframe. One of Remus’s arms comes up automatically to wrap around the other man. For some time, they just stand side by side and stare into the room. Neither of them has dared to walk into the main bedroom ever since they moved into the house. The door has stayed closed ever since Remus shut it on that very first morning.
Now, Remus still doesn’t know how to feel about the room. It’s like the last remnant of the past, of the previous owners of the house. Everywhere else there is evidence of Remus’s and Sirius’s habitation of the house. This room still looks like part of a museum. The bed is neatly made, probably Lily’s doing, and the curtains are half open, letting some daylight peek through. For a bedroom, it’s pretty big. The ceiling is pitched, so the huge window front facing the garden is triangular as well. The double bed is pushed against the wall on the left side and the whole right side is lined with tall wardrobes. Next to the bed Remus notices another door, which is half open and, judging from the white tiles he can see, he assumes there is another bathroom behind.
“I hate this room,” Sirius mumbles softly after a moment. His head tips to the side slightly, leaning on Remus’s shoulder. Remus doesn’t answer, instead he just brushes a strand of Sirius’s still untamed hair behind his ear and looks at the other man expectantly. “I mean, look at the interior,” Sirius keeps going, a small smile tugging at his lips. “There is that massive window where you could look into the garden and watch the sunrise every morning with coffee and breakfast in bed, and they put the bed over there?” he asks almost outraged, pointing at the piece of furniture facing the wardrobes instead of the windows. As if the false placement of interior comes close to committing a crime. Remus has to suppress a slight smile.
“Hm, I agree,” he hums back just as softly, squeezing Sirius’s waist. When the other man doesn’t say anything more, he lets his gaze drift over the interior, trying to think about what else he would change about it. “I don’t really like the type of bed either. Black metal,” he adds after a while.
Sirius cranes his head slightly to look up at him with a teasing little grin. “You’re more of a wooden kind of guy, right?”
“I suppose,” Remus chuckles and shrugs.
Sirius turns his head back around and takes a moment to look around the room as well. “Yeah, same. There is another bathroom as well,” he keeps going, pointing towards the door in the corner.
“Practical,” Remus hums back.
Sirius nods slowly. “Yeah,” he agrees, and then takes the first step over the threshold to walk toward the bathroom. Remus follows with some hesitancy. Even after months, it still feels like they're intruding on Lily’s and James’s privacy.
“Damn, the bathroom is huge! What a waste,” Sirius calls back to him from the other room. Remus follows him and he’s right, the bathroom really is huge. The shower is at least twice as big as the one in the other bathroom and with the high ceiling and light wooden walls the whole room seems much friendlier.
“Sick bathtub!” Sirius keeps commenting, and Remus turns towards the corner bathtub beneath the high window. It really is rather nice. “Bet that was James’s idea. He used to take hour-long baths in college as well,” Sirius adds, humour behind his voice, and just like that the spell is broken and the weird tension of the room is gone. Their gazes meet across the room and then Sirius comes strolling over, halting right in front of Remus. For a second, they just stare at each other, Remus with a questioning look on his face, Sirius with an almost mischievous smile on his own. The next moment Sirius leans up on his tiptoes and connects their lips again. And with that, every hesitation and doubt leaves Remus’s body. He smiles against Sirius’s lips and deepens the kiss, hands running along Sirius’s naked thighs. The other man grabs the front of his jumper to pull Remus closer.
When they part, Sirius steps back down and Remus follows his movement, resting their foreheads against one another, feeling Sirius’s breath washing over his face. The other man blinks up at him and after a while the happy smile is back on his face. “I feel like it would be a huge waste not to use that room and this shower and this bathtub,” he grins up at him. Remus answers with a soft hum. “We have to get rid of that furniture though,” Sirius adds. “And I want a bed facing the window.” Remus just hums in approval again and then, instead of an answer, runs one hand along Sirius’s jaw to tilt his head up into another kiss.
When Harry wakes up from his nap, Sirius has narrowed the options down to three different beds. He shows each of them to Remus on his phone, commenting on the pros and cons. By dinner he has ordered one of them and, on top of it, organized a company that is going to come and get the old furniture out of the bedroom. Just as reckless and intrusive as Remus likes him to be.
~~~~~~~~~~
After dinner, they snuggle down on the couch, a bottle of white wine perched on the table in front of them.
"So,” Remus cuts into the comfortable silence after a while. “We haven't really talked about it yet," he adds, glancing at Sirius out of the corner of his eye. The other man has his legs draped over Remus’s lap while his head rests next to his shoulder, glass of wine lazily held in one hand. Remus’s own feet are on top of the table, next to the wine bottle.
"About what?" Sirius asks back, shifting his head to look up at Remus. "I’m kidding,” he smiles after a beat, slightly sitting up. “Do you want to talk about it?"
Remus turns to the side to face the other man and shrugs a little helplessly. "I think we should. I mean, I... things have changed really quickly during the last few days, and I guess I just want to check what exactly your intentions are," he answers slowly, searching Sirius’s face.
"Hm,” Sirius hums softly, leaning up even more, one hand behind his back to prop himself up on the cushions. “I guess my intention is to start over. But I don’t want us to be just friends. I think I made that rather clear today, or yesterday already," he shrugs slightly, biting his lip.
"Yeah, I don't want us to be just friends either," Remus nods slowly before placing his glass on the table and turning back towards Sirius. "I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I don’t want to be someone you're just testing yourself out with," he adds, breaking eye contact with his admission.
Sirius pauses for a beat, trying to catch Remus’s gaze again. "You don’t want to be my experiment again?" he asks cautiously.
"Yes," Remus nods, then shrugs and leans back on the couch.
Sirius puts his glass away as well and then shifts, tugging his legs underneath himself to look at Remus with earnestness. "You weren't my experiment last time either. I meant everything I said. I felt everything I did," he starts, his voice soft but honest. "Please don't think...,” he winces slightly before he continues. “I'm so sorry for how I made you feel with my rejection. But just know that... I am really attracted to you. Not just on a physical level or anything. I tried to suppress it for way too long, but I actually… like you," he murmurs. "A lot,” he adds, a soft glimmer lighting in his eyes. “You're no experiment, Remus," he repeats, looking deeply into his eyes. "I mean, I just bought a bed so we can move into the main bedroom together," he adds with a chuckle, slightly breaking the tension.
Remus joins in his chuckle. "Yeah, I guess I still need to get used to your sudden enthusiasm."
Sirius smiles back at him and then reaches for his hand to intertwine their fingers. "I know I tend to be a little... impulsive. But I really, really enjoyed our morning, and I probably just feel the need to make up for all the lost time," he admits quietly, looking down at their joined hands.
"I enjoyed our morning as well," Remus hums back, squeezing Sirius’s hand slightly before starting to rub soothing circles on the back of it.
Sirius’s eyes rise to meet his again and the slight shimmer is back. "Good," he smirks softly.
For a moment they just smile at each other, but then Remus’s worry picks up again. "I still think we shouldn't rush things too much," he frowns slightly.
Sirius starts worrying his lip, eyes back on their hands on top of his thigh. "Hm, well,” he shrugs. “We already live here and we're literally raising a child together for almost seven months now, I think it's a little late to keep things simple,” he huffs quietly. Then, suddenly, a grin creeps onto his lips that he tries, and fails, to suppress. “Plus, after our morning, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to stay away from you."
Remus grins as well. "I don't want to stay away from you either. I just... I don’t want you to do anything you're not sure about yet," he voices his concerns.
Sirius looks up at him through his dark lashes. He searches Remus’s face and then shifts even closer to his side. "I might be a little slow in coming to terms with my sexuality. And there probably is some internalised homophobia I really need to work through. But trust me when I say that… inside,” he pauses, pressing his free hand to his chest. “I was always sure about how much I want you," he adds, his voice suddenly not much more than a whisper.
Remus can’t help but scrunch his face up with all the emotions that suddenly rush through his whole body. "That just makes the last four years much more painful," he whispers back.
He feels the other man shifting again and then Sirius frees his hand from Remus’s grip to take his face in both of his hands. "I know, and that's fully on me,” he hums, looking into Remus’s eyes deeply. “So please, let's not waste any more time. We don’t need to rush things too much, but let's just… keep going?" he suggests.
"See where this is going?" Remus murmurs back, almost hypnotized by the glitter in Sirius’s eyes.
"Exactly," Sirius nods, and the next moment he’s straddling Remus’s lap, capturing his face between his hands again. "I want to kiss you good morning and fall asleep next to you. I want to hear you rant about your current reading or your opinion on church and Greek mythology," he starts, running his fingers along Remus’s jaw and into his hair.
Remus’s breath catches without his intention. "You remember that?"
Sirius just grins and then leans forward to purr into Remus’s ear. "Baby, I remember everything."
A shudder runs down Remus’s spine and he tilts his head back to catch Sirius’s lips in a kiss. The other man sighs into his mouth and tugs lightly at his hair to angle his head.
After a far too short amount of time, Sirius leans back again to continue his explanation. "I want to tell you about my day at work and go grocery shopping together,” he keeps going, stroking Remus’s jawline absentmindedly. “Preferably without getting disturbed by annoyingly hot doctors,” he adds with a faint eye roll. “I want to cook dinner together and dance in the kitchen."
"Sirius Black,” Remus cuts in with a mocking expression. “I didn't take you for such a romantic."
"Of course I can be romantic," he answers, an eyebrow raised. "I never really had to make an effort,” he grins, confidence matching his beautiful features. “But for you I'll try. Flowers, chocolate, fancy dinner, cinema. Whatever it takes to woo you," he hums against Remus’s lips.
"You know I'm already wooed," Remus whispers back, and then they’re kissing again. Remus rolls them around to press Sirius into the cushions, leaning over him.
"Can't hurt to still make an effort though," Sirius pants when they part again. "I mean, the least I can do is buy you some candy if you continue to fuck me as good as you did this morning,” he winks up at him and Remus groans. “Or protein bars maybe? For some stamina?" he continues to joke, poking his tongue out between his teeth. Remus leans back down to kiss the cheeky expression off his face.
"Mars bars," he mumbles, when Sirius is a panting mess beneath him.
"Huh?"
Remus chuckles. "Those are my favourites," he clarifies, smiling down at the other man.
"Noted," Sirius grins back before pulling Remus down towards him.
Chapter 21: Bargaining V
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Did I fall out of line when I called you?
When I told you "I'm fine"
You were lied to
How could I think that all that I gave you was enough?
'Cause every time I get too close, I just go mess it up
I keep thinking maybe if you let me back in
We can make it better, breaking every habit
Pull myself together, you could watch it happen
Let it happen, let it happen
~ Mess it up – Gracie Abrams
It’s the fourth time they’re having sex when Sirius guides Remus’s hand from his hair to his throat and encourages him to squeeze. Remus freezes and instead strokes his thumb over Sirius’s jawline until the other man blinks up at him. Remus has already noticed this behaviour during their previous times together, but he’s not even inside Sirius yet, and normally the other man only gets this desperate right before he comes. It never seemed like he was doing something he doesn’t want to do, and Remus likes to push boundaries as well, but he’s not going to do kinky shit without talking about it beforehand.
“Baby?” he murmurs, slightly leaning away to put some weight off Sirius. “Sirius? Look at me,” he repeats, and then waits until the other man opens his eyes again. “What do you want?” he hums softly, still stroking Sirius’s jawline.
“You know what I want,” the other man sighs back, pulling him closer with the legs that are locked behind his back.
“No, love. I’m asking what you’re trying to tell me. With this,” Remus indicates, pressing the rest of his fingers to the back of Sirius’s neck. “What do you want?”
Sirius shifts beneath him with an impatient roll of his hips. “Want you to stop talking and fuck me,” he whines, trying to catch Remus’s lips in another kiss.
“Sirius,” Remus keeps going, leaning further away. The other man now frowns up at him with a glare. Remus smiles back and tries to soothe him with a firmer grip on his neck. “I can wrap my hand around your throat if that’s what you like. I can make you feel good like that if you enjoy it. We can experiment as much as you want to discover what you like, but I won’t punish you,” he clarifies, looking at Sirius determinedly.
When Sirius doesn’t answer but just keeps glaring up at him, he starts talking again, slowly, softly. “I really hope that’s not what you’re doing. But I feel like you’re offering me the chance to take advantage in order to forgive you,” Remus hums, now slightly frowning as well.
He’s met with a furious headshake.
He searches the other man’s face and then starts to run his thumb along Sirius’s jawline again. “I’ve forgiven you, Sirius,” he whispers after a moment. “There is nothing you need to do to make amends. Especially not here. We can talk about it. But please don’t try to trick me into rage sex,” he hums, and then leans down to place a kiss next to his fingers.
A half-broken, half-disapproving sound escapes Sirius’s parted lips. “I’m sorry, I’m not… I… I don’t know. It feels good to make up to you like this,” he admits, sounding small.
Remus leans back again and tries to catch Sirius’s gaze, while the other man desperately tries to look anywhere else. “So that’s it? You want me to punish you for your slander?” Remus frowns down at him.
Beneath him, Sirius shrugs. “That won’t happen, babe,” Remus whispers in response. “What I enjoy most is making you feel good. I can be rough, I can pull your hair, I can pin you to the bed, I can choke you, but only if that’s what you like. Not so you can feel better about the past.”
Suddenly Sirius’s eyes are back on his. He worries his lip and then his arms wrap around Remus’s neck to pull him close again. “I do like you to be rough. I swear I like it when it’s intense,” he mumbles against his lips. “I love… I really like you like this.” He adds, almost shyly.
Remus takes a while to think about his words, their lips brushing ever so lightly. “Just, please… don’t ever let me do anything you’re not enjoying. Deal?” he hums back after a while.
“Deal,” Sirius smiles back before sealing their lips with a deep kiss.
~~~~~~~~~~
Two weeks after they started this not-so-new thing between them, Marlene comes over for her second house visit. They’re sitting down in the living room this time, with Remus and Sirius next to each other on the couch and Marlene on the armchair facing both of them. She seems to be pretty good at her job, because it takes her exactly five minutes to notice the difference, and on top of that, she doesn’t seem to be the type to hold her assumptions back.
“Oh God, you guys had sex, didn’t you?” she asks, her voice sounding more exhausted than actually mad. Remus and Sirius share a shocked look before glancing back at the social worker sitting opposite them.
“Excuse me?” Remus rasps hoarsely, sounding incredibly caught.
“Come on, he’s practically melting into you, it’s painfully obvious,” Marlene chuckles slightly, pointing towards Sirius, who’s sitting on the couch, one leg perched under the other, leaning into Remus’s personal space. Not like he can blame him. After all, it was Remus who had a hard time keeping himself from wrapping an arm around Sirius as soon as they sat down out of pure habit.
“So, not so straight after all?” Marlene asks Sirius, almost teasingly. Sirius must look offended, because the next moment she raises both hands defensively. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not straight either,” she chuckles. “But I knew there was some tension the last time I visited, it was hard to miss,” she shrugs, and both Remus and Sirius just stare back, not quite sure how to react to that revelation.
Marlene sobers up quickly and tucks a stray strand of hair behind her left ear before crossing one leg over the other and placing her folded hands on top of it. “Do me a favour and don’t mess this up, okay?” she asks, looking at them with raised eyebrows. “I hope you’re very sure about what you’re doing, because if this is just some fun, do yourself, and especially Harry, the favour and end it right away,” she adds, looking at both of them with a stern expression.
Sirius sits up on the couch slightly and clears his throat. “It’s not. Just fun, I mean.” Remus can’t help but smile slightly. Marlene notices and seems to have some trouble keeping her own expression in check.
“Then please be mature and responsible about it. I don’t want Harry to be in the middle of some hormonal mess,” she adds, still looking at them like a strict headmistress.
“We’ll try our best,” Sirius nods.
“Harry is still our top priority,” Remus adds.
“Good,” Marlene nods as well, and then her face morphs into an almost mischievous grin. “Well, I’m a little relieved, to be honest. If this works out, I think it’s way better than the pining tension that was going on before Christmas.”
~~~~~~~~~~
Even after Marlene left, there is still some tension between them. Remus notices that Sirius has something else on his mind but doesn’t push. They tuck Harry into bed and then get ready themselves. It’s only the second night they’re staying in their new bedroom. Sirius was right about the bed. It makes much more sense facing the window front instead. The lights are already out, but the curtains stay open, and when they climb into bed, their bodies get illuminated by the bright moonlight peeking through. Remus still doesn’t ask what’s wrong, but when Sirius lies down on top of his chest and one of his own hands dives into the other man’s long curls, he opens up, nonetheless.
"I just... I can't handle the thought of James never knowing who I really am," he mumbles into the quietness of the room.
Remus’s hand, tangled in Sirius’s hair, stops its movement. "Your sexuality doesn't need to be what defines you," he whispers back after a moment.
Sirius places his right hand next to his head and starts tapping his fingers restlessly. "But it's a part of me. A part James won't ever get to know," he keeps going, his voice suddenly raspy. "I feel like I lied to him. Like he didn't truly know me, and it... it hurts so fucking bad that I can't tell him." He gulps audibly, and Remus’s hand tightens in his hair. "I want to tell him about you. About us," he adds, voice wavering. "I catch myself thinking about the stuff I need to tell him when we see each other, and then I remember that this day won't come and I... I feel like every day this part of me is getting bigger and I want... I need to tell him, but I c-can't," his voice breaks, and something inside of Remus does as well.
He lets his arm slip, curling around Sirius’s shoulders instead to pull the other man closer to him. "You know that James wouldn't have had a problem with it, with us? Right?" he asks softly, his own voice not so stable anymore.
"Yes! That's the worst part,” Sirius huffs out wetly. “He would have fucking loved it! He would have loved us together. What do you think is the reason they arranged all of those fucking Friday dinners? They wanted us to get along. And now we're not just getting along, and I can't tell him. And if I had just realised it sooner. If I just hadn't been so scared. If I had just let you get close to me sooner. They could have known,” he rambles on.
“Hell, if I had done it sooner, maybe there wouldn't have been any Friday dinners, but other stuff, and maybe then... maybe...," he cuts himself off with a broken sort of sob. Remus turns fully towards him immediately to pull him into a tight embrace. Sirius starts choking on his own sobs against Remus’s chest, and Remus hides his own face in Sirius’s hair.
"No, stop, baby, stop," he tries to soothe him, voice breaking, the pet name slipping out of him automatically. "Don't think like that, please don't think like that. It's not your fault. It's no one’s fault," he keeps going, holding Sirius tightly while the other man shakes in his arms. "And he knows, love. I'm sure he knows," Remus rambles on. "Somewhere, wherever they are. And I'm sure he knew who you are anyway. You knew each other inside and out. A word isn't what defines you. He knew who you are, no matter what changed recently," he adds when Sirius’s grip on his shirt tightens.
"And when he's old enough to understand, you can tell Harry. Everything you want him to know about you. About us," Remus whispers into his hair, and slowly Sirius’s sobs quiet down. His breaths are still coming in ragged huffs, and Remus holds him tightly until his body stops shaking and he leans back to look up at Remus out of shiny eyes. He immediately pulls Remus’s face down towards himself. The kiss is wet and salty and painfully vulnerable. It seems to calm Sirius down even more, and after a while he untangles himself from Remus slightly to rest his head on his chest again.
~~~~~~~~~~
When Remus comes back to bed the next morning, two cups of coffee in hand, Sirius grins up at him and then shifts into a sitting position against the headboard. “You’re getting really good at this whole domestic relationship kinda thing,” he smiles, reaching for his cup of black coffee.
“Well, it might have been a while, but you don’t forget things like that,” Remus smiles slightly.
“Some cinnamon rolls and this would be perfect,” Sirius winks up at him as Remus slips back under the covers next to him.
“Ah, yeah, right,” Remus chuckles a little awkwardly.
“What?” Sirius frowns immediately.
"I was actually talking about the relationships I had during college," he admits, wincing slightly.
Sirius's eyes grow huge. "You had relationships during college?"
A slightly offended laugh escapes Remus’s lips. "Wow, don't sound so surprised," he nudges Sirius’s side playfully before leaning back against the headboard. "I had two boyfriends during my time at college, yes," he nods.
Sirius eyes him curiously before relaxing back into the pillow as well. "Why didn't it last?"
"Well,” Remus shrugs nonchalantly. “The first one cheated on me."
A deep frown forms on Sirius's face, and Remus notices the grip on his cup tightening. "Damn, I'm sorry to hear that.”
Remus smiles and shrugs again. "No, don't be. I mean, yes, total asshole, obviously, but don't worry, I got my revenge," he adds, grinning into his cup.
Sirius mirrors his expression with one raised eyebrow. "How? Did you cut his dick off?"
"No,” Remus laughs, shaking his head. “I contacted all of his sex partners and told them he had gonorrhoea."
"Oh my God, that's fantastic," Sirius bursts out before quickly sobering back up. "Wait, multiple sex partners?"
Remus sighs and takes a sip of coffee. “Apparently he wasn't aware that we were exclusive,” he exhales. “After almost a year, you would assume that would be implied or, you know, he could have at least checked if we were on the same page," he adds, smiling at Sirius. "After that I got more careful, or at least I always told my dates that I'm monogamous."
Sirius nods slowly and takes a sip of coffee as well. "What about the other one?" he asks after a while.
Remus glances out of the window and watches the trees moving in front of it for a while. "We were together for two and a half years and broke up shortly before I graduated," he starts, looking back at Sirius. "We started talking about the future. Like not in an extremely serious way, I mean I was only 24,” he smiles, gaze dropping down to Sirius’s hands. “But I told him that I might want to start a family someday, and he didn't. I said I could imagine getting married in the future, but he absolutely couldn't. I said I might want to move back to Oxford, and he didn't like that either. I planned to maybe become a professor or a librarian, and he didn't want his life to be, and I quote, 'so painfully prudish and middle-class',” he huffs humourlessly. “In the end, it wasn't even the fact that we wanted different things, but more about how he was not even open for discussion."
When he glances back up at Sirius, there is that deep, worrying frown back on the other man’s face. "Sounds like your ex-boyfriends were a couple of utter douchebags," he grunts out, and Remus can’t help but laugh. "You have terrible taste in men, Remus," he adds with a grin of his own.
"Tell me about it," Remus teases, nudging Sirius with his knee under the blanket.
"Ha ha," Sirius huffs out, rolling his eyes in faint annoyance. "Why didn't you date after college?" he asks after a beat.
"Oh, I did,” Remus speaks up, tilting his head and avoiding Sirius’s gaze. “It's just that my standards somehow seemed way too high."
"Because you're searching for someone who eventually wants a family and marriage and stuff?" Sirius asks back, trying to catch Remus’s eyes again.
"No," Remus mumbles before taking a long breath. "I told you I compared every guy to you during the first month of college," he starts slowly. "There might be a part of me that still... compares," he shrugs helplessly.
Sirius looks at him, surprised. "What? Me?" he asks, eyes big. "I'm the reason for your high standards?"
Remus shrugs again, taking another cautious sip. "Well, maybe not so much you specifically, but more like how I felt during this weekend. I never felt like this again. I never... glowed like this again. There was never a first kiss where my body felt like it was lighting up in flames," he explains quietly.
"What about Sebastian?" Sirius asks cautiously after a moment.
Remus glances back at him and notices the way Sirius is playing with his cup nervously. "I like him," he starts slowly. "He's pretty much the ideal version of what I pictured when thinking about what I want in a man, in a relationship. He's kind and charming. He likes kids, well, obviously. He's mature, he knows what he wants," he keeps going before Sirius cuts in.
"But? I mean if there's a but," he asks quickly, eyes pleading. "Please let there be a but,” he adds, and Remus chuckles.
"But...,” he speaks up pointedly. “When we kissed, my body didn't become a human torch."
"So, no spark?" Sirius asks, worrying his lip again.
"Sure, a little,” Remus admits, trying and failing to hide his smile. “But it's hard to be satisfied with a spark when you have experienced a fucking inferno."
And then Sirius Black fucking blushes. Because of something Remus said. He might have arrived in some strange parallel universe.
"Damn, maybe your expectations are too high,” Sirius huffs after a moment of shared silence. “I don't think I can compete with my 18-year-old self either, to be honest. Is it normal to be jealous of yourself?"
Remus chuckles and looks at the other man adoringly. "Sirius," he hums.
"What?" the other man purrs back.
Remus looks deep into his eyes. "Since last week I am literally burning."
"Mm," Sirius beams at him before looking down into his lap almost shyly. Remus places his cup down on the bedside table and then reaches for Sirius to put his cup away as well. And then they start kissing, passionately, rolling around on top of the covers until Sirius sits breathlessly in Remus’s lap. Remus is laying with his back pressed against the headboard, hands on Sirius’s thighs.
"So, it's just physical attraction then?" Sirius teases, his own hands still gripping the material of Remus’s shirt.
"It's not just physical attraction,” Remus assures him, running his hands up and down the soft skin of Sirius’s upper thighs. “I mean, you strolled into the bookstore and asked a hopelessly romantic 18-year-old to recommend you a romance novel set in Oxford because you just moved here. So, what do you think?"
Sirius sighs with faint nostalgia. "Again, can't compete with my past self," he chuckles and shakes his head.
Remus rolls his eyes and pulls Sirius closer towards him. "Okay, you wrote a damn lullaby about a star and a moon because I told you to sing more appropriate songs to Harry."
"You actually listened to the lyrics?" Sirius smiles while absentmindedly playing with the hem of Remus's shirt.
"Of course I did."
"It's something I kinda did for Harry, though," Sirius shrugs, and Remus grins.
"Fine. You offered to give me money to become your personal LGBTQIA+ project."
"I thought you didn't want to be my charity case," Sirius teases again.
"You kept the polaroid," Remus simply states next.
Sirius smiles back, one hand diving into Remus’s hair playfully. "I did, yes," he nods, still kinda unsatisfied.
"What?" Remus snorts. "Do you want a list?"
"Well, if you insist. After all, you came up with twenty nice adjectives about Sebastian without even thinking," Sirius challenges.
"You're unbelievable," Remus laughs before quickly leaning forward to press a quick kiss to Sirius’s lips.
"Is that number one?"
Remus leans back and lets his hand wander from Sirius’s thighs to his back. "You're cheeky and witty,” he starts. “You're really good with words. You always know what to say. You're intelligent and funny. You can be pretty mean, but in an annoyingly intelligent way as well, and I used to confuse it with arrogance. You have excellent taste in music and literature and movies. You're responsible even though you like to hide it behind your mischievous attitude. You have at least 50 different kinds of smiles, and I'm proud to say that by now I fluently recognise at least 35 of them immediately. You're the sweetest and most caring godfather Harry could ever wish for, and the truest and most loyal friend James ever had. I know that because he told me so."
For a long moment Sirius just stares at him in awe. Then, instead of an answer, he leans forward and captures Remus’s lips in another deep kiss.
Later, when they finish their lukewarm coffee, they get Harry, and Sirius reads a story from a children’s book about forest animals. He does all the different voices and even imitates the facial expressions of the noisy rabbit and the nerdy mouse. Soon Harry, as well as Remus, are a laughing mess on top of the mattress. When Harry moves over to shuffle through the book to look at the pictures, Sirius catches Remus’s glance.
"I guess this is not how you imagined your family life to be like?" he asks curiously.
Remus frowns and pops up on one elbow to take a look at Harry instead. "I love Harry just as much as any possible child of my own," he hums, a warm feeling spreading through his chest like it does every time he’s looking at his godson. His eyes are back on Sirius, and when the other man smiles at him, there is another warmth joining the first one, nearly making him float on top of the bed.
"Yeah, I know,” Sirius hums back softly before his expression turns cheeky again. “I actually meant the part where you raise your godson together with me," he shrugs nonchalantly. "I mean, the situation will probably be a little complicated to explain to your future boyfriend."
Remus is on top of him in an instant, tackling him down on the mattress, pinching his fingers into his sides.
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding!" Sirius gasps through his breathless chuckle.
Notes:
Thank you so much for all the lovely words, by the way! I try to reply to comments whenever I can anyway, but I want you to know that I absolutely adore every single comment, kudo, and bookmark. I never, ever take it for granted and it gives me so much motivation to keep writing!
(Even though I probably should be focusing more on other things… like finishing my master’s degree lol. This story is nearly done in drafts, and I’m already planning the next one… but no, I’m definitely NOT procrastinating! Totally productive. Haha)
Anyway: thank you for being here, sharing your thoughts, or even just silently reading along. You all are amazing!!
Chapter 22: Bargaining VI
Notes:
This chapter is brought to you by my inability to choose... couldn’t decide between a table or a bathtub scene, so I may have gotten a little carried away and just did both. No regrets.
Chapter Text
Lock me up and throw away the key
He knows how to get the best out of me
I'm no force for the world to see
Trade my whole life just to be
Tell nobody I control you
I broke you just to own you
They can't tell that I love you
'Cause you're loyal, baby
I love when you're submissive
Love it when I break skin
You feel pain without flinchin'
So say it
~ One of the Girls - Jennie Kim, Lily-Rose Melody Depp & The Weeknd
For the next two months, throughout all of April and May, Remus and Sirius live in some kind of romantic bliss. It’s like they’re horny teenagers in the honeymoon phase of a domestic relationship, but at the same time, they’re acting like an old married couple already.
And Remus notices, no matter his lack of relationship experience, that Sirius makes an incredible boyfriend. He’s charming and caring and thoughtful, and Remus sometimes gets weird looks from customers because he can’t stop smiling just thinking about him. Then, at the same time, Sirius is basically the definition of sexy, and Remus often has to suppress the urge to show him around like a trophy.
He doesn’t want to be such a cliché, but every time they walk home from dinner or another one of Sirius’s dating ideas, hand in hand, or stroll through the park, Remus’s arm around Sirius’s shoulders, he’s practically glowing with pride, and he’d love to rub it in everyone’s face. Yes, this handsome fucker next to me is mine!
But that’s not quite Remus’s style, so instead he keeps his possessive tendencies to their private moments, littering Sirius’s chest and neck with hickeys to mark his territory. And although Sirius uses to stand in front of the mirror mocking Remus about it, he knows that his boyfriend secretly likes it just as much.
Boyfriend. Remus might call him that in his head, but in reality, they haven’t talked about it yet. They’re not exactly holding back, telling the other how much they like each other. But there aren’t any other confessions yet. They’re technically doing everything a real couple does, and Remus knows that it’s not just sex for Sirius either, but they’re not really official yet.
It feels a lot like their special weekend ten years ago. Slow mornings with coffee in bed, deep conversations about ridiculous topics, heated moments and sweet confessions, and both of them not quite ready to leave their comfortable little bubble behind.
On top of everything else, Remus notices that he’s learning a lot about himself as well. For example, it never occurred to him how much he enjoys feeling wanted and how much he thrives on the feeling of his partner making an effort. Most of the time it’s small things, but maybe it’s exactly Sirius’s random thoughtfulness that makes Remus happy.
~~~~~~~~~~
“Sooo, I was thinking…” he starts one afternoon, all three of them lying on a blanket in the garden, Harry in between them, currently on the brink of falling asleep.
“Hm?” Remus hums, gazing up at the cloudless sky.
“I could get off work a little earlier tomorrow and instead go to the doctor,” Sirius continues, a smile audible in his voice.
Remus props himself up on one elbow to look down at the other man. “What do you need to see a doctor for?”
Sirius blinks up at him and a little blush starts blooming on his cheeks. “I was thinking… we could get ourselves tested and, you know…,” he pauses, taking a quick glance at Harry before continuing in a whisper. “Ditch the condoms?”
“Oh,” Remus chuckles surprised before laying back down. “Yeah, I’d love that.”
“Yeah?” Sirius hums next to him.
“Yes,” Remus clarifies.
“Great, ‘cause I already made the appointment.”
Remus snorts and then leans up again to catch the other man’s eyes. “I can see if I can get a last-minute spot during my lunch break tomorrow?” he asks.
“Great!” Sirius beams up at him, nodding repeatedly.
“Yeah?”
“Yes,” Sirius’s grin develops into an easy smile. “I could pick you up after work? Grab something to eat?”
“Date night?” Remus asks, wiggling his eyebrows, before shifting his gaze towards sleepy Harry. He cautiously catches one of his little hands in his own and and starts stroking the soft skin. “I can bring Harry over to Molly or the twins during my break as well,” he hums, catching Sirius’s gaze again.
The other man nods absentmindedly before taking Harry's other hand in his, mirroring Remus's fidgeting. Harry's fingers tighten around their index fingers, grabbing and holding on in his sleepy state of mind.
~~~~~~~~~~
The next day, shortly before closing time, Sirius comes strolling into the store. He’s not even wearing his leather jacket, just a band shirt and dark grey jeans instead, but the sight of him walking into the bookstore so casually gives Remus a déjà vu nonetheless.
He watches from behind the counter as Sirius slowly walks past a few shelves, not making eye contact yet. "Can I help you with something?” he breaks the silence after a while. “Are you looking for anything specific?"
Sirius bites his lip when he turns towards him, mischief written all over his face. “I do actually,” he hums suggestively. “I’m looking for a story set in Oxford?” he asks, taking a step closer, and Remus tries to hide his excited grin. “You see, someone told me about that book, but I can’t remember the title,” he adds, stopping in front of the counter and casually leaning on it.
Remus hums lowly, crossing his arms in front of his chest to keep himself from dragging Sirius across the tabletop. “Do you know what it is about?”
“I do, yes,” Sirius nods, biting his lip again. “The protagonist is that tall and super-hot bookstore owner, and he falls for a bike riding asshole. I think the story is set in two timelines, because the hot bookshop owner actually gives that bike riding asshole a second chance, and then they have all that mind-blowing sex. I mean, there are romantic dinners and cute movie nights and stuff as well, don’t get me wrong, it’s not just about the smut,” he explains before quickly glancing towards the door and then back at Remus. “But today I came here because I’m actually interested in that one specific smut scene.”
“Yeah?” Remus asks back, breathlessly.
“Hm,” Sirius nods, slowly rounding the counter and stepping up to Remus behind it. “It’s set in the bookstore the protagonist owns,” he hums, reaching out to let his hand run up Remus’s arm.
“Ah, I see,” he purrs back, catching Sirius around the waist casually. “Well, if you just let me close the shop first, I’m pretty sure I have a copy of exactly what you’re searching for back in my office.”
“Oh?” Sirius grins, raising one eyebrow suggestively. Remus quickly lets go of him to walk over towards the entrance, turning around the open-sign and locking the door.
When he’s back at Sirius’s side, he catches both of his hands and starts walking backwards towards his office. “So, tell me more about that hot bookstore owner,” he encourages.
“Hm, let’s see,” Sirius starts, eyes wandering over Remus’s upper body. “He has a very sexy back.”
“Back?” Remus chuckles, surprised.
“Yes! Back muscles,” Sirius groans, head falling back. “Like when he’s shirtless or wearing something tight and they’re flexing and shit? Damn. I wanna lick his back from rump to shoulder,” he adds, winking at Remus playfully.
Remus chuckles again, reaching for Sirius’s waist instead while simultaneously kicking open the door to the small office. They stumble over the threshold, and Sirius’s hands land on his back, squeezing his ass lightly.
“And don’t even get me started on that ass,” he groans, rolling his eyes back into his head. Remus just grins down at him before closing the door and pressing Sirius’s body against it. Towering over him, he lets his hands roam all the way up his sides and starts nipping at his neck. “He’s tall, like way taller than me, and I always act like it’s bothering me, but he’s also stronger and he can carry me around and flip me over, and that’s just…” Sirius's breath stumbles, when Remus picks him up and carries him over towards the desk in the middle of the room.
“Uh-huh,” he mumbles against the soft skin of Sirius's throat while the other man makes himself comfortable on the tabletop, hands diving into Remus’s curls.
“He has the softest hair ever, like gripping it is so nice,” he keeps going, tightening his hold on it and pulling lightly. Remus reaches for the hem of Sirius's shirt, pulling it up slightly to let his hands wander over his stomach and chest, teasing his hardening nipples. Sirius quickly gets rid of his own shirt in the process and then catches one of Remus’s hands, holding it up towards his face.
“And his hands? Fuck, I might have a kink or something. Long fingers, and the things he can do with them? Ugh!” His head tips back again, and he pulls Remus closer with his crossed legs. Remus leans over him, pushing him down on the surface and starts kissing a trail up Sirius’s chest and throat all the way until their lips meet for a deep, longing kiss. When he starts biting and licking on Sirius’s neck and collarbones the way he knows drives him crazy, the other man speaks up again, voice now all raspy and low.
“But you know he’s also…” he stops himself with an impatient moan directed towards the ceiling.
“Hm?” Remus hums against his pulse point.
Sirius sighs again, hands fisting at the back of Remus’s t-shirt. “He’s also funny and cute and caring and wise and just lovely, and…” his breath stumbles when Remus rolls his hip forward, pressing both of their erections against each other through the fabric of their jeans.
“Yeah?”
Sirius chuckles and meets his movements. “He also has a very nice cock.”
Remus huffs out a surprised laugh. “Yes?”
“Yes! Fucking… huge, like he’s hung, man,” Sirius pants when Remus palms him through the material.
“Hm, come here,” Remus presses out, catching Sirius’s lips again while starting to work on his jeans.
“How was your doctor’s appointment?” Sirius asks in between kisses, helping Remus to rip both his jeans and briefs down in one swift movement.
“All good,” Remus answers absentmindedly while running his hands all the way from Sirius ankles to his hips. The other man curves up into the touch and crosses his legs behind Remus back again.
“Yeah, same,” he smiles up from where he lies, spread out on the tabletop, fully naked.
“Good, I don’t have condoms here anyway,” Remus chuckles, before reaching for Sirius cock, stroking lightly.
He doesn’t have lube in his office either, so naturally, he has to open Sirius up with his tongue instead. When Remus spreads him apart and dives down, a surprised little screech escapes Sirius’s lips, but the next moment, he makes sounds, Remus has never heard before. God, he should have done this ages ago.
~~~~~~~~~~
A week later, Remus comes home from work to Sirius singing and dancing in the kitchen and preparing what’s probably supposed to be some sort of curry. Harry is sitting in his little chair next to the counter, happily swinging along. For a moment, Remus just stands in the entryway to the living room, watching the two of them.
“Hey!” Sirius beams over his shoulder once he catches sight of him.
“Hey, love,” Remus smiles back, crossing the space between them to hug Sirius from behind. “Smells good,” he adds, peeking over his shoulder and into the pot.
Sirius snorts and nudges Remus with his elbow. “Don’t lie.”
“I’m not,” Remus laughs.
Sirius turns around in his embrace to press a greeting kiss to his lips. His hands come to rest on his shoulders, and when he squeezes lightly, Remus winces.
“What’s wrong?” Sirius frowns, giving another even lighter stroke.
“Just a little sore in the shoulders,” Remus mumbles, giving his neck and back a tentative roll.
Sirius hums, picking up the light strokes again. “Wanna take a bath?” he suggests with a smile.
“Hm, sounds good. If you join,” Remus winks, giving Sirius's waist a little squeeze.
“That’s the plan,” Sirius hums back, before placing another quick kiss to Remus’s lips. “Okay, how about you try to save this curry disaster while I tuck Harry in bed and prepare a nice hot bath?” he suggests, glancing over his shoulder at the contents of the pots.
“Deal,” Remus chuckles, nosing at Sirius’s jawline.
When he walks into the bathroom twenty minutes later, two plates in hand, Sirius has just finished running the hot water. The room is already steamy, and the other man has lit some candles as well, bathing the room in soft orange light.
They sit down in the big corner bathtub facing each other, knees bumping lightly under the surface of the water. Once they have finished their dinner, Sirius tugs at Remus's hand lightly, ushering him to turn around and sit in front of him. He leans back against Sirius’s chest, making himself comfortable, and the other man immediately starts to massage his stiff shoulders with practiced hands, working on the knots, finding every sore spot. Remus sighs, eyelids fluttering shut, fully enjoying the treatment and submitting to the steady rhythm of Sirius’s strong hands.
Once his shoulders are all soft and loose again, he leans his head back against Sirius's shoulder, calm and satisfied. Sirius lets his hand wander from his shoulder to his face, taking Remus's chin between his fingers to guide his head a little to the side. The kissing starts soft and lazily, but with the hot water surrounding them and the candlelight illuminating the room, it doesn’t take long for it to turn desperate, needy, and more urgent. Sirius moans into his open mouth, and heat spreads in Remus's lower belly at the feeling of the other man’s growing hardness against his lower back. He shifts slightly, pulling Sirius closer, and the other man sinks a little further down into the water as well, allowing Remus to spread his legs further to turn around and settle between them. When their bodies fully align, warm water surrounding them, they both groan into the kiss, vibrating against each other's lips.
“Wait, wait,” Sirius pants after a while, breaking the kiss. With a bit of splashing, shuffling, and laughter, Remus manages to lean back against the opposite side of the bathtub, and Sirius moves as well to straddle his lap. He quickly puts his hair up in a bun, some wet strands already sticking to his neck and throat, glistening droplets of water running down his chest. Remus's hands instinctively run from his hips around to grab his arse. Their cocks press on top of his stomach, and Sirius gasps when one of Remus’s hands brushes lower to slowly tease his rim. He can’t stop the surprised groan leaving his mouth, and Sirius chuckles into their next kiss.
“I bought that waterproof lube last week,” he murmurs, shifting and grinding against Remus’s fingers.
“You prepared yourself?” he asks back almost breathlessly, his dick twitching and getting, if possible, even harder.
Sirius nods, rolling his hips forward, creating a minimal amount of friction between them.
“Fuck, that’s so hot, I wish I could have watched,” Remus groans again, head tipping back against the porcelain of the bathtub.
“Next time, love,” Sirius chuckles, lips brushing against his, spine curving backwards. “Can I?”
“Please,” Remus breathes out desperately, hands flexing and tightening on Sirius’s ass.
The other man starts lifting up a little. He adjusts himself cautiously, guiding Remus’s dick to his entrance. One hand still perched on Remus’s shoulder, he sinks down painfully slow, inch by inch, not breaking eye contact once. When he’s fully seated, his other hand grips for Remus’s shoulder as well. He starts moving slowly with long rolls of his hips. Remus’s hands grip tightly onto Sirius’s waist, leaving marks, but other than this he’s just lying back, utterly mesmerized, enjoying the show.
After a while, Sirius starts bouncing faster, picking up the pace, and Remus meets his movements. The water around them sloshes slightly, mixing with the sounds escaping both of their lips. Sirius’s wet chest is glistening in the soft candlelight. His head tips back and he starts moaning up at the ceiling desperately, voice echoing in the small room. His eyes half-closed, throat exposed, lost in pleasure, lifting and sinking, again and again, and Remus’s breath gets stuck in his chest by the pure beauty on top of him. God, he's so lucky.
Sirius’s movements become frantic and Remus’s grip on his thighs tightens to give him more stability. He rolls his hips even harder now, water lapping at the edges of the tub, and the slide of his body against Remus makes every nerve sing. Sirius is wild and beautiful, cheeks flushed, lips parted.
“Fuck, you feel so good inside of me,” he whispers, sounding gone.
“You’re doing so good, baby. Taking me so well,” Remus pants back, ripping Sirius out of his delirium. He opens his eyes back up, head tipping down, gaze locking with Remus’s, pupils blown wide. He slows just enough to lean forward and catch Remus’s lips in a needy sort of kiss.
“Ah, I’m yours,” he whispers into his mouth, and Remus's hands rise higher to grip his waist, to pull him closer, match his rhythm.
“Mine?” Remus groans back.
“Yes, yours, only yours,” Sirius nods frantically, clutching at Remus’s shoulders, nails dragging down his damp skin, desperate moans breaking against his lips.
The pace picks up even more, every thrust sending sharp sparks up Remus’s spine. Sirius breaks their kiss with a gasp, his forehead pressing to Remus’s, breath mingling.
“Don’t stop,” Sirius whispers into his open mouth, voice raw.
“As if I could,” Remus rasps back, tightening his grip as he drives up into him.
With the next roll of Sirius’s back he sits up slightly, pulling Sirius closer at his hips. The other man's hands shift from his shoulders to grip tightly onto the edge of the bathtub on both sides. He leans back, spine arching, and cries out, and Remus's fingers curl around his neck, pulling him in to lick a drop of water off his throat.
A strangled sort of cry escapes Sirius’s raw throat, and he clenches down on Remus, pulses around him. Remus follows shortly after, buried deep inside of Sirius, holding him as close as possible.
For a moment, the air is filled with nothing but their shared ragged breathing, along with the sound of the water slowly settling down. Sirius slumps forward, collapsing against his chest, his damp hair sticking to Remus’s cheek.
They stay like that for a while, not talking, just enjoying each other's closeness and the soft flicker of candlelight still dancing over their bodies.
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Last Edited Mon 16 Jun 2025 12:09PM UTC
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