she deals in hearts

by qthedoor

Summary:

“I think your girlfriend is getting naked with the flirt over there. Maybe you should get a leash.”

Chapter 1: beyond the torchlight

Summary:

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know any of the individuals portrayed, nor do I claim to represent their real thoughts, feelings, or experiences. This story is a creative interpretation inspired by public personas and televised narratives, and no disrespect is intended toward the real people or their lives.

Parvati rubbed Amanda’s shoulder as the taller girl bent over the fire sniffling and digging her fingertips into her temples. The two of them sat on their log under the protection of the scraggly cave, the sounds of nature accompanying the occasional crack of wood.

“Oh God,” Amanda exhaled wetly. Parvati blinked back to her, realizing she’d gotten entranced by the glowing fire again.

She still didn’t know what to make of Amanda’s intense reaction to voting out Cirie tonight. Parvati hadn't even been sure that her Final Two partner would choose her as the day went on. Parvati got the sense that the jury thought Amanda was full of shit, but she knew better– not that she wouldn’t use it to her advantage, of course.

In the end, Parvati's efforts to link herself so solidly with the girl had proven successful. She'd chosen Parvati.

“Honey, I know that was a lot. You’ve gotta shake it off okay?” Parvati took a deep breath, straightened her spine to show her. She did a little shimmy when green eyes looked her way again, making the girl crack a small smile. “You’re going island crazy, but it’s just a game. You played it better.” She shrugged. It's what she told herself whenever she cut someone's dream short.

“You don’t think Cirie will hate me? I really didn’t want to do it, Parv.”

Parvati thought about it as Amanda’s shining doe eyes searched her face. She didn’t think Cirie was going to be necessarily happy with her. Yes, Cirie had once insinuated to Parvati that she didn’t think Amanda was the sharpest tool in the shed, but she doubted she’d hold a grudge forever.

“She would have done the same,” Parvati said simply. "She also voted for you the night you played the idol. I didn't ever put your name down," she added with a wink. 

Amanda still looked disturbed and Parvati held back her judgement. The girl was softer than people gave her credit for, and sometimes even Parvati was surprised by how there was more going on underneath her impassively beautiful face.

Parvati stood up and held her hand down to her partner. “Come on.”

The two girls navigated in the dark around the scattered pots and tools to the sleeping area.

As they laid together in the makeshift bed, she marveled at the sounds of lizards rustling in the brush and the flapping bats in the back of the cave. All the other contestants were probably tucked up in their beds in Ponderosa by now. There was no other person in their camp except for Amanda’s warm body.

Well, and the night camera crew hidden somewhere in the darkness. 

She found her hands reaching out to run down Amanda’s sides and arms as they murmured about the wonderment of besting everyone to the end. How they’d appear on television and what they’d do once out of Micronesia. 

Amanda’s blinks were getting longer and longer, but Parvati’s mind buzzed despite her molasses movements. 

She was still in game mode, and she felt like a wild thing. Unlike the rest, she'd scarcely eaten or gone on rewards this season so she constantly felt the hunger gnaw at her shrunken stomach.

“I can’t believe I’m going to another jury,” Amanda breathed, looking up at the cave ceiling. 

“What do you mean?” Parvati frowned as her finger stroked the soft skin of Amanda’s shoulder which was smattered with freckles from the sun. She loved the girl’s arms. They were stronger than hers with the ability to win challenges Parvati had no chance in. She’d seen it.

“Um…just that it’s crazy to be on another Survivor season so soon, that’s all.”

Parvati would have laughed at how bad Amanda was at tricking her if it weren’t for her mind busy putting two and two together.

The concept of Amanda making it to the final in a completely different Survivor season mere months ago and now being here-

Impressive.

Jeff had been livid when James had let information slip about the previous season and his idols, but Amanda had been obediently tight lipped until now. Parvati silently praised herself for getting in good with such a player early on.

“So crazy,” Parvati confirmed, her fingers not missing a beat as they explored the other girl’s back now. One thing about Parvati is she knew when to push and when to pull back. 

Minutes went by of just their breathing before Amanda looked into her eyes again. “Goodnight. See you in the morning,” she said sweetly, her sunburnt cheek pressed against her hands.

“Night,” Parvati adjusted her “pillow”, which was really just a bundle of clothes, punching it into submission as she shifted her dirty body into an orientation she could sleep in. Amanda moved her stomach closer to her and Parvati felt gentle fingers come up to hold the space between her hip and waist. 

She desperately avoided the feeling that flashed down her body and swelled near Amanda’s hand. Now was not the time for her body to have a mind of its own. Somewhere there was a man crouching down wearing cargo shorts and a baseball cap with his infrared camera, and tomorrow could very well be one of the biggest days of her life. 

Thanks to Amanda, she could feel a million dollars and the title of sole survivor at her fingertips.

* * *

God was Amanda not a public speaker and God was Parvati ecstatic about it. She did feel sort of bad as Amanda failed once again to point out to their fellow contestants that, frankly, she was the player to beat. 

Through the heat and starvation, she consistently thought of clever strategies to win individual immunity challenges. She was the first woman in Survivor history to find and play a hidden immunity idol in a masterclass run of saving herself. If she’d truly made it to the final in China, that would mean she’d been in this game for who knows how many consecutive days now while still holding it together mentally and physically.

Parvati knew Amanda had a voice in almost all the strategic decisions, so why wasn't she saying so? Hell, Parvati would even mention how Amanda caught a shark for her tribe if she were her. Everyone seemed eager to forget these facts, most of all Amanda herself.

If you don’t say it in jury, did it really happen?

She wondered if China had been much better for her. Based on how James was shaking his head and laughing in disbelief at Amanda’s answers, she wouldn’t bet on it.

“Amanda would go more with the flow and I think, for me, I’m willing to put myself out there and make bold moves and I didn’t see much of that from Amanda,” Parvati was in the middle of telling Alexis. Going the assertive route was an obvious choice for her since Amanda wanted clean hands. 

Speaking of, the girl beside her was now getting grilled by Alexis.

“We couldn’t help but be laughing when you were crying about sending Cirie home-” Parvati cringed inside thinking of Amanda’s genuine turmoil the last few days. The need to defend Amanda bubbled up inside her, but she kept staring at the fire while she wasn’t being addressed. 

As Parvati listened to the girl next to her fumble obvious ways to illustrate her gameplay, she got increasingly convinced that she had this jury in the palm of her hand. She hadn't been confident until now. 

And then Natalie walked up.

“Let’s start with you, Parv.” 

She felt herself smiling at the direct attention from Natalie who looked gorgeous, tanned, and clean . Wisps of Natalie’s blond hair blew in the breeze as her intense eyes danced, staring her down.

“My question to you is how does that resonate for you in the bedroom?” 

If Parvati were a simpler girl she might blush, but her first instinct was to laugh. All she could do in the face of the curve ball was smile like she always did if she didn’t know what to do.

She glanced at the jury to analyze how they were taking this and mimicked their level of surprised laughter so she wasn't giving too much or too little.

Jeff looked speechless and like he might put a stop to the line of questioning at any moment which Parvati thought was hypocritical since he had no problem taking everyone down avenues they didn't want to go half the time.

“You’re a flirt. You flirted with me on several occasions. Not complaining.” 

“You’re sexy,” Parvati defended, grinning.

Eliza looked like she’d been waiting for this moment since getting voted out with her delighted face barely being covered by her palm. Parvati herself feels a thrill from the opportunity to push the envelope and not deny such a taboo.

She tests the waters by admitting that she’d do what she needed with men and women to benefit herself. Even though her delivery was smooth as silk, her heartbeat ran at the possibility of the jury not liking this.

People always liked the status quo and she knew this better than anyone. 

You could cut the tension on the set with a machete.

Thankfully, Natalie eases off at the perfect time and doesn't say anything incriminating. 

She felt Amanda’s eyes burning into the side of her head which was noteworthy since the girl had been dissociating through this whole thing with that blank gaze she has up until now. 

As if reading her mind, Natalie goes on to suggest that Amanda is a zombified pageant queen with a glazed look and no substance. Like Alexis, it seems that those two have a certain vendetta. Natalie seems even more eager to cut Amanda down for size.

Parvati watches as Amanda finally defends herself, though not with as many specifics as Parvati would’ve suggested, but she seemed more moved to emotion by Natalie than the others so far. 

“No, it’s neither. It’s neither my strategy nor who I think that’s who I am as a person. Um, I’m a strong woman. I definitely have substance. Sometimes I’m a little reserved, but I definitely have made strategic decisions. I want to compete with the men, like I came into this competition to compete with the guys and I don’t want anything given to me. I came here to earn everything.”

That’s my girl. Parvati was oddly relieved that she finally said something that sounded like the Amanda she knew despite being her competition. 

Erik went on to whine about Amanda being mean to him in tribal and Parvati wanted so badly to roll her eyes. His golden retriever crush on her was obvious as the day was long. However, nothing could have prepared Parvati for Ozzy. 

"And honestly the hardest part is that, you took away 14 days that I could have spent with Amanda," Ozzy confessed before sighing and slapping his face.

Parvati tried to hold in her reaction, she really did. Honestly, she should be given the million bucks just for having to be here witnessing this and also keeping a straight face. As if in a nightmare, she watched Amanda’s beautiful sulking face turn into a grin as Ozzy proceeded to confess his love in the most eye-clawing display. She couldn’t tell what Amanda was truly feeling about this, but she didn’t like how they kept staring at each other like schoolchildren after Ozzy finally sat down after embarrassing his whole lineage. 

Even if it was her strategy to get his vote, Parvati was not impressed. She'd never thought it was a good move to keep everyone from knowing Amanda had been in on the Ozzy blindside. 

Can’t you see these guys are not helping your jury case? They’re sore losers making it about themselves…

But it wasn’t her business if Amanda and Ozzy wanted their Rob and Amber romance and their survivor wedding and jungle babies or whatever.  

It wasn’t her job to clue them in on how cringe they were.

Unfortunately, there was a lot of time to sit in silence and think as the crew cut and worked out the next segments. Ozzy kept staring next to her like a creep. She caught Natalie’s eye a couple times and it was a nice distraction.

As each person went up, she wondered what they were saying to the camera. She thought she did pretty well with every question, especially since her competition seemed to blank out every time someone addressed her. 

Would Eliza vote for her because she knew a few politicians? That had been pretty bad. On the other hand, it was nine months before Election Day. She’d have to apologize to the jury members who they’d offended by not knowing the names of any of their loved ones. And to Eliza herself. She looked at Amanda and wondered if she felt the guilt she felt too. Parvati had been the mean one, Amanda had just shrugged along. Maybe Eliza would give her vote to Amanda because of that.

Amanda looked back.

“Hi ,” Parvati mouthed. Hopefully that was allowed.

Amanda smiled at her, though her eyes held some trepidation. Parvati wanted to talk to her. She wanted to discuss the whole thing and dissect it. She wanted it to be like how it's been for the last 39 days where Amanda was her partner in collaboration- but also the person she trusted to help take her to the end. 

Even now, it didn't feel like they were playing against each other. Amanda had practically handed her the win, and it felt too good to be true.

She could see Amanda was getting increasingly more dead-eyed as the theatrics continued. Now that the hard part was over, they didn't even get the relief of knowing who won.

They’d soon be on a boat to Ponderosa, leaving the island forever, before heading home. Parvati couldn’t believe it.

* * *

“Oh my god, I look like a wet rat,” Natalie heard Amanda’s obnoxiously girly voice from the bathroom, giggling with Parvati as they looked at themselves in the mirror. 

For a girl from Montana, she had a strong Valley Girl accent in her arsenal. Natalie was already bothered by the two being tied to the hip. She missed when they were still in the game when Amanda looked miserable all the time while Parvati was always bouncing around smiling and unbothered. It was kind of a funny dynamic. 

“Isn’t it crazy?” Cirie said to both of them from the other side of the bathroom. “I kind of looked good for being in a bat cave for 38 days, not gonna lie though.”

Amanda cackled and eagerly agreed. She kept smushing her face around, completely focused on the task. 

Natalie didn’t have a problem with Amanda. She really didn’t. The girl was stupidly beautiful and was actually nice in a weird way, but Natalie always thought she was dull and lacked charm. The result of this odd combination and contradiction unfortunately made Amanda kind of entertaining and hilarious to experience. It infuriated her. Especially when the girl frustratingly won everything . Well, except for sole survivor, Natalie thought smugly. She was almost 90% confident Parvati had run away with the majority vote. 

“Nat, it’s your turn,” Alexis instructed, nudging her leg with her own.

Natalie sighed and looked at her cards. They were in the middle of a halfhearted game of Hearts as they waited for everyone to get ready for their last party in Ponderosa. Her, Jason, and Alexis were splayed out on the floor of the main room in a vague circle. It was half dark in the room with the only lights coming from the side rooms where contestants chattered and moved around.

She sighed and dropped one of her spades on the pile. Her ears stayed listening to Parvati’s voice as she strategized how she'd set up a situation where they could talk alone later on.

Jason flicked his wet hair and little sprinkles of Herbal Essences scented water landed on the side of Natalie’s arm. “Mmm, go fish.”

“Wrong game, dumbass,” Alexis groaned, “Just put down a card, I beg you.” She ate another handful of popcorn and Natalie followed the movement with some nuts of her own. 

They’d not stopped eating since they got to Ponderosa. Jason had almost bit her hand off when she tried to steal a piece of chicken from near his plate the other day.

The voice piped up again from the other room: “Parv, you have to come in here, oh my God. No– just come in!”

Natalie glanced up to see what looked like the figure of Parvati, now alone, still looking at herself in the mirror. She was talking to the spray of the shower and steam curling out of the top of the shower curtain.

“There.”

Jason had put a heart down. Fuck. He didn't have any spades.

“Amanda!” came Parvati’s delighted shriek as a wet hand pulled her into the shower, clothes and all. 

Natalie took the round of cards, adding the hearts to her negative points. 

A second later, a wet buff hit the bathroom floor with a smack and Natalie slammed her hands down. “Alright, I’m done!”

“Aw, don’t be a sore loser,” Jason drawled as he lazed back, dropping his cards on his chest.

Natalie rolled her eyes and unfolded her legs gracefully to get up. Alexis pushed her blue Hawaii cap up so she could peer up at her. "Hey!"

On her way out, Natalie passed a solitary Ozzy walking back inside from hanging off of a tree or some shit. Typical.

“I think your girlfriend is getting naked with the flirt over there. Maybe you should get a leash,” she bit out, not even motioning to the running shower. She raised her plucked eyebrows and gave him a pat before stomping away. 

Eliza, who had been looking through the CD’s, snapped to attention like she could smell drama. Both her and Alexis craned their heads to look at what Nat was referring to, but all they could see was the shower curtain moving around.

"Wait, what?" Alexis murmurs, shifting her eyes around as if she could see the gossip.

Eliza laughed in delight, “Oh, this is gonna be good.”

Notes:

This story is going to be a bit of a love letter to early Survivor, the 2000s, and Amanda Kimmel.

My girlfriend and I have been watching Survivor from the very beginning for the last 7 months and we recently finished Micronesia. I’ve been obsessed, but the last three seasons have made me fully submerge into a hyperfixation. I have done a ton of research for this story, so if there's any errors, pease point them out! I'd love nothing more than for the comments to be a place to nerd out.

Hopefully we can chug our way to HvV, but there should be more chapters before then. Three or four, maybe.

Disclaimer: Not trying to be a weirdo by writing about real people, just making my case as to what I think happened *wink*. I mean Parv already came out so I feel like if Amanda had even a drop of gay in her then this was all very probable! (I'm kidding, no one come after me. I'm using them as reality TV icons and wish them well in their real lives.)

See you soon!

Chapter 2: broken bodies

“Here, this is..” she read the tiny letters on the bottle, “Oh, this is a body scrub!”

“Oh my god, give me that,” Amanda said next to her. 

“Nope,” Parvati popped the ‘p’ just as the cap snapped open. “Wait your turn.”

Something inside her purred with satisfaction when Amanda obediently lingered at the side of the shower, watching her through the water with lidded eyes until she was finished using the product on her body. If Parvati exaggerated scrubbing around her breasts, so what. Sue her.

They’d been in here for only a handful of minutes now with Parvati trying to act normal every time her wet skin brushed against Amanda’s. Suds were dripping down curves that Parvati had no business looking at, but she had such an intense pull to just throw inhibitions out the window. 

When she finished, she looked at the taller girl for longer than she meant to and their eyes met silently. 

Amanda’s lashes were darker and stuck together from the water. The bridge of her nose and tops of her cheeks were pink like her lips. Her eyes were forest green from the low lighting. Everything looked like it was chiseled by an artist’s hand and was made that much more severe. 

She handed the bottle over to the taller girl, “Here.”

Parvati shook off persistent thoughts as she looked away to rinse out her shampoo. 

“I can scratch the dirt off me, ew. I cannot believe how amazing this feels,” Amanda said as she scored at her arms.

“I’m never leaving,” Parvati sighed, closing her eyes and letting the warm water hit her face and run down her long hair. Her malnourished muscles ached and her bug bitten legs burned when soap hit them.

The toplessness was really throwing her for a loop. Not necessarily her being topless in front of Amanda because she’d do that any day if the girl just asked, but she couldn’t figure out what Amanda wanted her to do. She’d pulled her in here during her shower. Parvati had taken off her shirt because Amanda herself had nothing on but her underwear so it was only fair. Amanda acted like it was innocent, but showers were vulnerable. They weren’t out in the wilderness anymore; this was a 4x4 enclosed space.

She’d been in scenarios with other women before where the lines were blurred, but it felt different with Amanda. Against her will, Parvati became…subdued? Apprehensive? 

“Here, you put your leg here, and I’ll put mine here so you can shave,” Amanda instructed the logistics of two girls shaving in a tiny shower.

Much too soon, the water ran cold, so they shut off the stream reluctantly. Parvati stuck her hand out and felt for the fluffy towels she saw on the counter twenty minutes ago.

“Are they in there? Like together?”  

“What could they be...her shirt…”

“..because he’s–”

"I thought-"

She almost couldn’t hear the snippets of conversation, but the water stopped just in time and she had good ears. The paranoia seized up her stomach, but she tried to remember no one was trying to vote her out anymore. 

When she pulled back into the safe haven that was the steamy shower, she subtly observed Amanda wring her hair for any indication she heard too.

Nothing. Amanda just smiled at her and looked at the tile solemnly. Or maybe pensively?  Parvati couldn't always tell.

She uses the towel to soak up most of the water from her hair as she passes over the other towel.

Parvati steps out with it wrapped around her body and gasps as her feet hit the cold floor. She intentionally looks toward where she thinks the voices came from and gives a little wave to the group of Survivor contestants standing around, clearly gossiping.

“What are you losers doing? It’s almost party time.” Okay, so maybe her mean-girl persona came out when she felt threatened.

“Yeah, we can’t party until you two finish getting ready. That's what they said,” Cirie said with her eyebrows raised. “But y'all are taking your sweet time.”

(They being the Survivor team who still directed them when and where to be for certain things.)

Parvati raised her eyebrow and gestured to her body wrapped in a small towel. “Well, some privacy would be nice unless everyone is trying to get a look.“ Ironic, considering what just happened in the shower.

Erik’s mouth formed an ‘o’ shape with his eyes fearful as if caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He had that twinkle in his eyes that made Parvati want to squeeze his cheeks. 

On the other hand, Ozzy’s jaw was tight and he gave her that look that Parvati hated like he was trying to humble her. He had a cigarette tucked behind his ear as if he was cool and not the biggest cringeball Parv had ever seen. His stupid necklaces and stupid curl in his hair. “Whatever, dude,” she thought as she rolled her eyes at him.

"Guys, seriously. We just got back and I think we deserve to enjoy some of the amenities that you all got for days now," she implored, serious now.

Alexis, Eliza, Erik, James, and Cirie awkwardly dispersed, still muttering to each other as she waved them away. She’d have to do some damage control later with each of them.

(Skills needed to win Survivor.)

Amanda was now stepping out of the shower so Parvati walked back to moisturize every inch of herself and get hot for this party.

“It feels so weird being here. Joining in so late. Cook Islands was so much easier because I had time to adjust more; I almost have FOMO watching everyone act so at home,” Parvati mused as she sat on the counter while Amanda did her makeup next to her in jeans and a tank top.

“Yeah, they let us have a few nights in China too. It didn’t look like this though,” she gestured with her mascara wand at the island resort/shack vibe going on. “Plus, I just love everyone on this season. Well, I had a lot of fun in China too. This one night we got to get drunk on snake sake and Todd– actually- can I talk about this now?”

“I still cannot believe you were a finalist two seasons in a row!” Parvati exclaimed, accidentally interrupting her, but Amanda just grinned. “I had a feeling, and I’m not surprised because you’re amazing, obviously. I can’t wait to watch your season when we get home. I wanna see what happened!” She let out a little scream as they giggled together.

Parvati was surprised to find she actually meant it, too. Part of her wanted to dissect Amanda's gameplay for selfish reasons, but she couldn't help but still clamber for the girl's favor, even when the game is over.

Coming off of Survivor is like the biggest adrenaline rush right before you crash. Parvati slept for a solid week after Cook Islands and was messed up to say the least. She’d never been to summer camp growing up, but one night at the beginning of the game, Eliza had told them that Survivor was like an extreme version of the co-ed two-month sleep-away camp she went to and was a counselor at growing up.

Parvati was dubious because, with Survivor, you get lovely things like parasites that make you shit blood. You're changed. Mattresses become too squishy and rooms too small. Your nervous system doesn't just readjust. Every little thing that you didn't feel during the game because you didn't realize or let yourself feel it was screaming at you.

"It was a blur. I want to see why I didn’t win. I mean, I’m pretty sure I didn’t win because I was invited back for another season with non-winners," Amanda said, a little too intensely.

“Don’t spoil it!” Parvati exclaimed and then got serious. “I’m glad you were in this season. We wouldn’t have gotten to bond like this.” They continued getting ready side by side and she thought of what Amanda wanted to hear in that moment, “I wish we could watch the season together. I hate watching it with family or friends because they don't understand fully. It might be better to have support, you know?”

"Yes," Amanda breathed and looked at her, searching, "I know exactly what you mean."

Hook, line, sinker. 

She got the rush she always felt when she read someone right. 

They went on to discuss how Amanda was thinking of making the move to LA. It might seem ridiculous to some, but you’re bonded for life with these people, and Los Angeles was the nucleus for reality TV people; that was just the way of the world. They'd already had many nights under the stars talking about it, but real life had never felt closer than now.

She knew Amanda loved Montana, but there was a world to explore.

She rambled about what kind of house she'd get if she won the million dollars and fantasized about having skylights and a garden. Amanda really liked the garden idea and was apparently a lover of plants and knew all about that stuff? Who knew.

Gardening wasn't her jam, but she let Amanda talk about it like she always did. It was cute when she got nerdy.

Parvati took a bit of a gamble and diverted the conversation to pick Amanda’s brain.

“We made ourselves the topic of speculation tonight.” She thought about Ozzy’s cold eyes and Alexis’ shifty ones, “You didn’t hear, but they were scandalized that we bathed together.”

“No, I heard them.”

Parvati’s hand paused for a half second before she recovered and continued blending in her makeup.

“You heard them all talking behind our backs, too?”

“Yeah.”

“I swore you didn’t look like it,” Parvati mumbled, frowning as she snapped her bronzer shut.

The taller girl shrugged, and Parvati realized she may have underestimated Amanda’s poker face. "I literally showered with Ami and Ozzy in front of Cirie and Erik so I don't know what the big deal is," she said defensively and Parvati gets it. They're still in game mode and Amanda has every reason to be.

She didn't want to hear any more about Ozzy and Ami.

“Let’s go, I want to see everyone.”

* * *

The second Amanda and Parvati came into the room, everyone cheered. Most people had already started drinking the booze that was stocked all around the place and the music was booming. 

Natalie was feeling a bit warm and tingly from the alcohol as she danced with Alexis and Eliza, giggling along with whatever James was telling them. 

They couldn’t get him to dance; he just kept standing there with his chest puffed out, rambling about something. If he was chatty when he was sober, there was absolutely no stopping him when tipsy.

“Aw, now see that just makes you want to throw up in your mouth a little,” James said and Natalie wholeheartedly agreed when she turned around and saw Amanda hugging and kissing Ozzy when he emerged from the kitchen. 

“Mm, shame,” Eliza said as she squinted at them in disgust and Natalie briefly wondered what that was about. "They're going to be insufferable."

"I got it," James sighed and James lazed over to Ozzy to guide him back into the kitchen where they were preparing the burgers and guacamole for the group.

“Hey guys!” Parvati said as she approached them looking beautiful in a simple white tank top that accentuated her bronzed skin. Her movements were controlled and effortless, which is how Natalie thought of Parvati Shallow at this point. Call her out for being like all the men who got caught in her web, but Natalie couldn’t help it. 

“Erik! Look at you all handsome and clean,” Parvati reached forward and ran her fingers through a section of Erik’s 80’s style hair. He grinned at her dopily and kept dancing with goofy, languid movements. 

Parvati laughed in delight at him, the kind that tipped her head back. She became preoccupied with exchanging dance moves with him as a solo cup seemed to apparate in her hand. Natalie had to leave to find more liquid courage because, unlike Parvati, she didn’t know how to use magic to have someone get her a drink before even saying a word.

Deep inside, a tiny hope was blooming, one she would never admit out loud. It kept blooming and blooming new hopes. Little expectations.

Natalie floated into the kitchen, looking for something to mix with gin that would make it taste less like ass. She looked to her left and saw Amanda with her whole head in the freezer. For a second, she thought she was just looking for something, but realized that no, the girl was just laying her head there chewing on an ice cube.

“What in the world are you doing, ‘Manda,” Natalie asked, her southern twang coming out stronger than usual. 

Amanda’s attention snapped away from watching the commotion of the kitchen to her and she grinned at her sheepishly, “I really missed ice.”

“Okay,” Natalie mused. Amanda’s lanky frame bent all up like that was a sight to see. She shook her head and walked to the pantry to grab a 2-liter lemonade bottle and leave.

"You don't like me, do you?" Amanda asked standing normally now, lips moving around the ice cube and her hand clasped to her arm. Natalie thought bitterly that she'd mastered how to look pathetic so you don't want to be mean to her.

Natalie hesitated and gave her a tight smile, "I think you're a nice girl, I've got nothing against you, sweetheart, honestly."

If Amanda believed her, she was stupider than she thought, but it wasn't her problem. She breezed out of the room, leaving the unconvinced girl standing there.

Outside, the place was crawling with Survivor contestants. They were all fresh out of living in a cave with no access to society and it made everything that more bizarre.

At the dinner table, they talked all things Survivor, the final jury, and their days at Ponderosa. 

Eliza clinked her glass with a fork and Natalie rolled her eyes. The New Yorker had been calling herself the Mayor of Ponderosa, which was only somewhat endearing because they all knew Eliza by now. “Okay, everyone go around and say the moment you knew you screwed your game,” she put her hand on her chest dramatically, “I personally think it would’ve been the most entertaining television of all time if Jason had actually had the immunity idol and not a fucking stick.”

“Letting one of these two win the final immunity,” Cirie unceremoniously pointed her fork at the two girls at the head of the table. 

They asked again what the challenge was and the three of them explained the balancing act in more detail of how Parvati dropped in first and the showdown between Cirie and Amanda.

"I was sweating out every single drop of water I'd had that day and I look over at Amanda- and this girl is fine!" Cirie narrates and everyone is at the edge of her seat since the woman is so good at stories. "This girl is switching her grip and had the hat down over her eyes looking in the zone-" She mimicked pulling a baseball cap over her eyes and what Amanda's face looked like while everyone laughed. "-I was like, um, no way that's going to work. And then it did and I was like, who told you about this method?"

Natalie piped up, “I think I had the same problem, Cirie. Seems like we both needed to win challenges that Kimmel here swiped up.”  Unfortunately. 

Amanda looked bashful (because of course she did), but she seemed excited to share that something similar happened during her season of China. Everyone wanted to know, but their Survivor babysitters cut into their conversation and told them to stop talking about other seasons that hadn't aired yet. Erik looked especially heartbroken at the interruption.

“Ozzy? How did you screw your game?” Eliza said diplomatically to continue her topic of conversation.

“Um, I just think trusting women, maybe,” Ozzy said with that dead voice and butthurt attitude. Natalie wondered how Amanda could stand him. 

“That’ll get you far in life,” Parvati spoke up, laughing cruelly but also looking disgusted and, oh did Natalie love when she was a cunt. "Maybe you should never touch a woman again, Oscar, since they're so dangerous. Villainous."

Ozzy glared at her and his nostrils flared like a bull.

Erik– not listening to anything going on– spoke with a mouth full of burger, “Giving away my immunity necklace.”

Everyone reacted with heckling and Eliza yelled, “We know, Erik.”

Alexis grinned, “Mine was trusting you, Erik. Parv?”

Parvati shrugged her shoulders, “Challenges? I guess? I really wanted to win individual immunity.”

Amanda got stoic when people looked at her for an answer, “Everything at the end of the game when I was losing my grip. I didn't know why I was crying so much." The vibe at the table got kind of awkward so she said, "I tried to have a better social game this time around, but I don’t know if it worked in the end.”

“Please,” James spit out confidently but kindly, “You had no break going from China to Micronesia and dominated both. I respect your game.”

Amanda smiled sunnily at James like he’d given her a gift, and he waved her off, grumbling about puppy dog eyes. Natalie supposed it was impressive. She'd probably start actually ripping people's esophagus' out with her teeth by day forty-five.

Eventually, everyone formed small groups, determined by how tired and/or sick they felt after eating. Some kept dancing, some sat at the table holding their bellies, but everyone chattered on with each other. Eliza disappeared at one point, probably to use the bathroom and deal with her insides. Natalie felt for her.

Natalie was talking with the girls and James while everyone pointedly ignored Ozzy and Amanda cuddling on the daybed. Natalie tried to catch Parvati’s eye, and when the other girl finally looked at her and smirked, Natalie took it upon herself to grab her hand and drag her toward the screened-in porch door. 

“Everyone is pulling me around today!” Parvati laughed and quickly followed her, squeezing her hand. 

Natalie decided to be petty and turned her head toward the daybed. Amanda was watching them with an unreadable expression on her face, and Natalie wondered how she could be so greedy to want all of Parv’s attention and yet not leave Ozzy’s side all night except to stick her head in the freezer and eat pizza. 

She stepped out onto the porch, letting the screen door click softly behind them. Out here, you could really hear the water lapping at the sand and bugs chirping loudly. There were some deckchairs to the side and some equipment and supplies for the resort staff nearby. The bamboo torches made soft orbs of light in the distance, more yellow than the twinkling stars in the inky sky. She traveled over to the chairs and Parvati crept next to her, silhouetted by the moonlight.

She brushed off the sand from the chair and took a seat while Parvati dropped down on the armrest, close enough to touch her shoulder if she wanted to. 

She didn’t. 

“Phew, the world is spinning a little bit. I don’t even know how that’s possible in the dark,” Natalie blinked and used her hands to ground herself, gripping the teak wood. “Are you spinning?”

“Mmm,” Parvati cocked her head to and fro, “Not yet. Lemme catch up.” She took a long sip despite her words slurring the tiniest bit.

"My little body cannot handle liquor right now," Natalie mumbled in response. They both drooped into each other like two sad flowers weighed down by alcohol.

"Should we go skinny dip?" Parvati suddenly petitioned, biting her lip and teasing her shirt up. "It's, like, the perfect opportunity."

The woman in front of her stripping and getting in the ocean surrounded by blue moonlight? Swimming closer to her and touching her- Natalie got hot under the collar just thinking about it.

"What if they come looking for us? Do you really want those cameramen to see everything?" she asked incredulously, but added, "I'm not saying no because I'm afraid of showing some skin, they just babysit us like we're toddlers with a fork."

Parvati wiggled her toes in the sand as she thought. "Mmm, yeah. It's got to be in the contracts we signed. They probably owe us a fuckton of money if we get eaten by a shark once we're not in the game anymore."

"At least they're not filming us now, for once," Natalie said and the younger girl nodded her head in agreement.

Natalie let her hand fall to the side and brushed lightly against Parvati’s thigh. Not enough to be obvious, just enough to see what she’d do.

Parvati didn’t react except for humming quietly.

“You know,” Natalie said, tilting her head toward her, “I think CBS might cut my speech.” Parvati furrowed her brow in confusion so she clarified, "The one at final tribal."

“No way.” Natalie looked at her, unconvinced. Parvati shook her head. “No, they eat that stuff up. ”

“What stuff?” Natalie questioned, wanting to see what Parvati said.

Back and forth, back and forth. Watching each other like a poker game.

“A player asking something direct and unexpected.” Parvati smiled slowly. “Vague references to a woman's sex life. Prime television or whatever. Not to mention, the implication that two hot women were flirting with each other.”

Natalie’s heart beat faster and she shrugged, “You knew you had my vote. There was no question. I just wanted you to earn it. Make you uncomfortable.”

“Oh yeah?” Parvati didn’t sound interested, which meant she was absolutely listening. 

“Am I a bitch for wanting to expose you a little? You voted me out after being all cushy with me.”

Parvati laughed, low and warm. “I liked it.”

“Yeah, you would.”

“Nat, I’m cushy with everyone,” Parvati said as she stretched out her legs. "Don't take it personal, God."

The air immediately got tense when the words left her mouth and, without thinking, Natalie sat up straighter. She pursed her lips and her next words came out splintered, much to her displeasure. “I’m aware, I’m not some idiot boy. I don't think with a dick. I actually enjoyed our time together.”

Parvati laughed and brushed sand off her legs as if she didn't have a care in the world, "Come on, Nat." She said it as if to say, "don't get mad at me now."

"No, Parvati. I'm being serious and I want a real answer from you."

Parvati didn’t say anything right away. The wind caught a few strands of her damp hair and Natalie watched her tuck them behind one ear, slower than necessary. When she finally looked up, there was something unreadable in her eyes.

Natalie was referring to the many conversations they'd had on the island. She wasn't naive enough to think she was the only one having deep conversations with Parvati, but still, they meant something to her. Natalie had confided in her about her troubles with men and her father. The two of them had bonded over that particular kind of dread: the kind where you wonder if you’ll ever fully belong to yourself. It was one of the many conversations they had that Natalie was pretty confident was real.

Natalie spoke up first, “How many people can you look at like that before it stops meaning anything.”

Parvati cleared her throat, suddenly looking put on the spot, “What’re you asking?”

“Exactly what I've been trying to ask you for days," Natalie said, letting her frustration come through, "Answer this for me, you flirt with people you’re attracted to?”

“Yes.”

“People you’d date? Consider dating, rather.”

“Sometimes. I mean sometimes I just need something.”

Natalie rolled her eyes, but powered on, “What about girls? Just fun and games?”

Parvati’s jaw clenched, but she didn’t back down from Natalie’s stare. “I guess I’m open to some things. Girls are fun,” she finally says and the air in Natalie’s chest is released at the admission and confirmation, but it still stings that Parvati attached the caveat. 

She gave Parvati a wry, unimpressed smile, "Girls are for fun, boys are for serious? Never heard that one before."

Parvati scoffed at her attitude, but she couldn't look at Natalie, and Natalie knew she'd struck a chord by how her throat bobbed and her jawbone flexed. The girl looked as taut as a bow. 

Natalie threw caution to the wind and put the final nail in the coffin: "I think you've felt something deeper for women before, it's just scary and you never had a reason to actually face it," Natalie proclaimed, feeling high off adrenaline from confronting her like this. Her stomach flip flopped with nerves as she watched Parvati react. Or maybe it was the alcohol?

Parvati stared at her long and hard and Natalie tried to remind herself that she was a grown woman who didn't need to back down from the storm behind the young woman's eyes. Not for the first time, she got the feeling that Parvati had a lot inside that no one got to see.

"I don't know if I'd say that after knowing someone for less than a month, but okay," she responded coldly, with the perfect amount of curated levity to her voice that it sent a shiver down Natalie's spine.

She didn't back down though and she kept staring at the younger girl, "I'm not saying I know you, honey, I'm just sayin' because I doubt anyone else will." Her twang was back.

Behind them, someone whooped from inside. A bottle clinked. Someone called Amanda’s name.

Parvati’s eyes snapped toward the sound, then back to Natalie who's eyebrows were raised. God, it was almost perfectly scripted.

"If you think that girl is more enlightened than you on the subject, you'll be waiting for a long time," Natalie found herself saying.

Parvati didn't ask who she was talking about. She didn't say anything actually. She released a sigh through her nose and squinted at the horizon, which was only a bluish ombré strip of light, illuminated by the moon.

“You’re sharp,” Parvati conceded after working her mouth, but Natalie kept her RBF on. “You notice too much.”

“So do you,” Natalie said. “That’s the problem.”

Parvati looked at her again, now squinting at her instead of the sky. Natalie knew that she was showing her cards. At this point, Parvati would be blind to not see that Natalie wanted her- just like she could see that Parvati tiptoed around Amanda in a way she didn’t with anyone else.

Parvati broke the stare when she turned her head to watch the ocean, leaving Natalie to watch her side profile. She observed her pensive eyes and followed the line of Parvati's beautiful nose to her downturned lips. She'd never seen Parvati's expression look so severe, even out in the wilderness.

“I think I’m going to go back inside. It’s a little chilly out here,” Natalie sighed and got up to lick her wounds elsewhere. The world lurched forward when she stood, and she was extra careful to not fall on her ass. 

She curled her toes as far as she could and the sand scrunched against skin and wood. A dim light above their heads buzzed with electricity. The bulb wasn't even bright enough to shed light on a single thing out there, but it was on.

When she finally got her bearings back, she realized Parvati had gotten up too, and her face was softer now as if she was coming out of the tense exchange and realized what she’d said. She held out her arms and looked hopeful. “Hug?”

It was an olive branch that Natalie was willing to take. No one could stay mad at Parvati Shallow. She’d like to see someone try.

They hugged and Natalie squeezed her tight, smelling vanilla and died a little when Parvati held her firmly back.

Parvati didn’t follow Natalie back inside. She stayed on the porch, letting the breeze blow sand into her damp clothes and the salt cling to her skin. Her figure looked lonely against the backdrop of the blue night as Natalie took one last glance behind her.

Inside, the music was lower than it was when they left. Mostly everyone had drifted toward their bed so they could get some sleep for the flight tomorrow, except for Alexis who was speaking to a camera man who was there to document Ponderosa for a CBS special. 

Alexis was talking to them about Erik, who lay on the dining table, completely passed out. He had a hoodie pulled over his head with the sunglasses still snug on his face. Alexis poked his foot and made a 'shh' noise, giggling.

Natalie passed them quiet as a mouse so she wouldn't be featured. Someone had left a half-eaten piece of cake on the counter. The main room smelled like sweat, beer, and ocean.

She paused at the edge of the hallway, listening for anyone still awake in the rooms. There was some murmuring, but it died down quickly.

Tomorrow, they’d leave Ponderosa. Leave Micronesia.

It would be a relief and it would be awful.

Natalie exhaled through her nose and leaned back against the wall, arms crossed. She thought about Parvati, the way she always said just enough to make you feel like there was more.

There probably wasn’t. Not for her.

She got into bed, ignoring her sticky body and a snoring Cirie, and shut the light off.

Click.

Notes:

This needs some editing, I know. There's some complex dynamics going on in this chapter so I was grappling with some of the dialogue. Feel free to let me know your thoughts on this chapter/story, and thank you for commenting on the first chapter! I was so surprised and delighted. We will soon get to post-Micro and get into the time in between season 16 and season 20. Cheers!

Chapter 3: Montana skies

Amanda exhaled as she rubbed her chalked thumb and pointer finger together. The midday sun was creeping across the limitless sky as sweat dripped down her temple and onto her tank top. She felt around at the warmed limestone of the rock face, trying to find the next placements for her fingers to grip.

It was early afternoon, a time that was usually busy in the mountains of Montana on such a beautiful day, but Amanda had found her own secluded area to hike and climb. She was no stranger to this route. She didn't even need much gear, just her shorts, shirt, climbing belt, and shoes.

Not too far below her, forested valley and trickling water stretched for as far as the eye could see and the slopes of the Tongue River Canyon cut into a cerulean sky. She longed to stick her face into the cool babbling brook she left behind down on the ground as she scaled the rockface of one of the trad routes. 

She kept a steady pace, looping her rope, testing each knot twice, breathing steady as her cams and nuts jingled on her belt. At one point, the toe of her La Sportiva slipped, just for a heartbeat, before she paused, blinked, and felt around some more while breathing deep and slow. 

The thing about climbing is that it forces you into a present flow state that she tried to tap into now. Her body moved fluidly to the next hold.

Ozzy would probably be an insane rock climber without trying. I guess I should bring him next time… 

When Ozzy visited her in February, she could tell he wasn’t necessarily exhilarated by the rural charm of the Big Sky Country, and it made her a bit self-conscious. He got along with her mom and stepdad, if not a little awkwardly, but seemed out of place.

I wonder if Parvati would like rock climbing.

She blinked at the thought. Her mind began to drift off with more ruminations along these lines, accessing everything she knew about the girl and imagining bringing her here one day, maybe even to this spot. Would she think Montana was boring and sleepy? She knows the girl loves the outdoors and hiking. She loved a challenge, just like her. A puzzle. 

This is something her brain had been doing lately, having Parvati Shallow pop into her daydreaming when she’s doing normal, humdrum things. She’s giving Frisco her horse fresh hay and she thinks of her. When she was playing Stratego against her stepfather during family game night, she thought of her. If she was at her friend Alex’s house with a beer in her hand watching a Broncos game, she thought of her. When she’s pacing back and forth in her room before a phone call with a fashion design program in Los Angeles, she thought of her.

It was getting a little ridiculous. Amanda had other friendships before that were intense and she would think about them a lot, but this was a lot.

She got to the top of the small route she’d chosen today. She was out on a clearing with lichen and vegetation that you could also get to by hiking. Looking down, she saw expansive plains of untouched beauty. Overhead, a hawk sailed below the puffy clouds. 

Everything felt bigger here. It was home, but sometimes she felt something that would bring her back to the game she left months ago. The echo of mania in her thought patterns or feeling the sweat on her neck. In her dreams, shadows stretched and danced in firelight.

Returning to her life was nice, but she was changed, and it felt like part of her hadn’t left Survivor. The only people who understood were Ozzy, James, and Parvati. 

Well, Eliza too. That girl was sure determined to keep in contact with her. 

(She thinks the girl is trying to indoctrinate her into being more politically literate and civically engaged, which vexes Amanda. Though annoying, she was starting to subconsciously tune in whenever she heard the names of politicians Eliza brought up constantly.)

At least one person in her immediate family, Katrina, knew at least a little about what it was like having visited Amanda in both China and Micronesia for the family episode. She experienced some challenges and saw where they ate and slept. She saw Amanda when she was wired and spent.

Soon, she and her family would be going to New York City to finish her experience off with another live reunion show. After that, she might feel even weirder than now.

As Amanda took a seat in the dirt below a tree for shade, she had a moment to actually replay and ruminate over the phone call she had the night before. 

At 9:20, an Atlanta area code called for her. Katrina came into her room with no warning, shoved the cordless phone in her hands and left with a dramatic sigh; she didn’t even close the door behind her.

“Hello?” She asked into the phone.

“Amanda! Hi, are you busy?”

Hearing the tone of Parvati’s voice made her feel things she didn’t expect to. It was huskier than she remembered with a soothing feminine tone that washed over Amanda as if she had just dipped her body into a warm bath.

“No, what’s up? I’m glad you called, I was missing you,” she said as she adjusted her position on her bed.

Parvati had called her childhood home’s landline—Amanda had told her about how her cell kept dying and she couldn’t find the charger, but it still surprised her. 

“I was cleaning out my suitcase and found that dumb necklace you made me out of like feathers and shells,” Parvati explained with some rustling in the background. “You remember that?”

Amanda let out a quiet laugh. “Dumb? Tell me how you really feel! I completely forgot about that. You said it looked like something washed up off the beach before you realized I’d made it.”

“I stand by that because even now, I got scared when I plucked it out of the depths of my backpack,” Parvati made a retching noise, and Amanda laughed with her, leaning back into her pillows.

They kept talking in a low voice; Parvati was telling her about her trip to New York, where she had visited some Survivor people and seen Cirie, as she was apparently a quick train ride away on something called the Metro North. They’d done some touristy things before the live finale that looked so fun judging by the Facebook posts. Parvati swore she was researching what was worthy of bringing Amanda to do when she arrived. 

“You promise? God, I’m so jealous and left out,” Amanda complained, but there was a seriousness to her words that shined through despite her trying to keep it lighthearted. She sighed as she fidgeted with a loose string from her shorts and a sad pit formed in her stomach.

Like usual, Parvati knew what to say. “I missed you, trust me. I didn’t have my warm body to curl into at night. No one is as warm and soft as you.” 

A memory of the two of them laying on their palm frond bed in camp at Micronesia flickered in her mind. As their tribemates slept, Amanda told her old stories, the ones her mother used to tell her when they went camping as kids. As they looked at the twinkling sky of Micronesia, Amanda murmured in Parvati’s ear about a canoe drifting down a river of stars.

Amanda smiled softly and pressed the phone closer to her cheek as if that would make Parvati any closer. 

“You’d laugh if you saw me right now,” Parvati continued, “I’m in my pajamas, curled up with tea, with a nature show on.”

“The Scrooge pajamas?” Amanda laughed, referring to a joke they had on the island that Parvati slept with a nightcap and nightdress when she was home alone. 

“No!” her voice cracked like Amanda was used to hearing. "They're normal pajama pants with dogs in ski outfits. Now tell me what you're wearing, good looking," her voice got lower like it did when she was flirting.

"Um," Amanda looked down at herself and thought for a quick beat she could be real coy and say anything she wanted in that moment, "A pair of super short shorts that I can't wear in public."

Parvati hummed and Amanda felt her face getting hot for some reason. Maybe she should turn her fan on.

Amanda shrugged even though the older girl couldn't see her, "I don't know, maybe I'll let you imagine the rest." 

In the hallway, Katrina gave her an odd look as she walked past her open door. Knowing her, she was probably eavesdropping for entertainment. Amanda got up to close it so she’d stop being so nosy. 

She expected Parvati to run with the baton she'd just passed her but, oddly, she just laughed and when she spoke again, her voice cracked more than usual.

"Maybe I will." 

Amanda bit her lip leaned against the door. Her mouth felt dry and she felt her heartbeat in her ears. She started pacing around her room in the silence, suddenly feeling restless.

She racked her brain for something to say in response. In the end she settled for: “What did you do today?"

"I had a calm day. I talked to my Dad and went to the boxing studio," she seemed to hesitate, but it was over before Amanda could mention in it, "did some admin stuff. My friend had me over to watch one of her indie foreign films-that was interesting."

Amanda frowned, confused, "So what made you call, like actually? It wasn't just to tell me about the necklace, was it?”

It wasn't like her and Parvati talked every day. There was a stray call here and there, but they usually planned it more. 

“I was just thinking of you.” Amanda waited since it sounded like there was more. She heard a bird chirp in the background.

“I was watching you earlier. On TV. I didn’t think it was fair to watch our season without catching up on China. I told you how a friend of mine recorded all of it, right?”

Amanda hummed as her heart rate picked up. In December, she’d come back from Micronesia and, not even two weeks later, was in the live finale of Survivor China only to find out she’d not won. It wasn’t a great shock, of course, but it was surreal to be there when the season felt like it had happened to her a lifetime ago.

“I want to understand your journey, obviously. It’s so funny watching you and James with a bunch of randos.”

“Which episode are you on?” She felt looser the more they strayed from the moment of tension .

“Six,” she laughs, “Oh my god, Amanda! You and Todd and that damn hidden immunity idol. I could not stop laughing.”

Amanda grinned and her cheeks warmed as she remembered how ridiculous the whole thing was. How she’d desperately tried to remain discreet as Todd impatiently drew more and more attention to their suspicious activities. 

“Oh my god,” she groaned and covered her forehead. “So embarrassing.”

“It was actually the best thing I’ve ever watched. I love how you just stood on it after knocking it down.” She heard some rustling over the phone like Parvati was shifting around. “I also love your little glasses! Why didn’t you bring those with you? You only had contacts.”

Her hand came up to her face to touch the rectangular glasses she was wearing now as they spoke. 

“They’re dorky and I was on National television…”

Parvati scoffed, “It's funny that you think that anything could affect your beauty and not just prove it more.” She said it so sincere and thick, but Amanda thought she was just flattering her to get her guard down.

She didn’t know what to say so they fell into a comfortable silence that was eventually broken when Parvati began asking her more about her time out there. She told her about how they ate frogs and water roots most of the time because they truly had no food compared to Micronesia. Then she found herself getting carried away by memories of her, Courtney, Todd, and Peih-Gee singing and laughing until their empty bellies hurt from doing impressions for hours. She described the beauty of the Chinese landscape, and how all of these things she’d forgotten were why she agreed to go back.

There’s nothing like your first time doing something so encompassing.

"I miss Courtney," Amanda said with a wistful grin. 

“I don’t understand,” Parvati started to say when she finished recalling all of these things, “It seemed like you had a good connection with people both times.”

"You mean you don't know why I lost?"

Parvati faltered, "Well, when you put it that way...I'm just saying you played an insane game. I mean, I would’ve voted for you."

Always praising with honeyed words. She saw that now.

“I couldn’t,” Amanda sucked in a breath, embarrassed by how pathetic and high her voice sounded all the sudden, “I don’t know if you would because…I tried to watch back the final jury so many times. Todd was so good at flattering people and I just caved whenever someone put pressure on me. You were like him with how good you were at sticking to your guns. It’s so frustrating that I am this close to losing again.”

She’d thought about it a lot and written about it. Amanda wasn’t used to talking to a big group of people like that, and if she did, they usually weren’t dissecting her words. Her verbalization wasn’t always successful because she didn’t have much practice on the fly like that. She just blacked out and forgot what she was saying because she was so nervous to being perceived.

(The woes of being an introvert and facing two social butterflies like Todd and Parvati in Final Tribal.)

Bringing this up again made her remember the guilt gnawing at her insides and crawling up her esophagus. She remembered the mean things people said to her both behind her back and right to America. Her fatigue that she pushed aside to win, win , win the challenges only to be brought to her knees by just...talking.

Parvati was silent on the phone but hummed lowly in acknowledgment, and that’s how Amanda knew she wasn’t ignorant of her skills. 

“I know I could’ve done better. I was so close. I think I was just so exhausted, Parv,” Amanda whispered on the phone holding back tears as she felt the mental strain that still weighed on her, “I think I was in over my head. I get so focused on winning, but it gets so real when it’s down to so few people. I don’t know how I found myself in that specific position twice where I was the one to pull the noose for Denise and Cirie. It’s like, I’m making direct choices that singlehandedly stop people from winning life-changing money! I just–” her voice cuts off and it’s just her breathing for a while. “It's like my body won't let me win.”

“I know what you’re saying,” Parvati reassures her, keeping her tone calming. “But at the end of the day, you have to remember that you deserve to win a game that you played well and put your heart into. And that’s what it is: a game. No matter how angry they seem and how they want to make you feel bad, it’s because they want to be in your position. They'd do it too! You can’t let them write your narrative.”

Amanda clenched her jaw and wiped her cheeks as silently as possible so the other girl wouldn’t hear. She felt prickly toward Parvati in that moment, even though she knew she had good intentions. The amount of times she’d heard, “it’s just a game” and not feeling patronized by it was a challenge. 

Maybe sensing her feelings, Parvati continued in the silence, “I don’t know if I could’ve done what you did.“

She made a sound over the phone and rolled her eyes. Again with the flattering just to prevent her from feeling negative emotions toward Parvati. 

“No, really. I’m being serious," Amanda heard her sigh and change her voice to sound less casual as if she had to take out the big guns for this conversation, "You have a quiet strength that I admire and don’t even fully understand. I also think you’re more clever than anyone knows, I mean watching China just proves it,” Parvati shared lowly and Amanda felt like she was holding her breath so she didn’t miss a word. “You’re a sweetie. The more you stick with me, the better you’ll be at not taking people’s crap.”

Amanda chewed at her lip and tried to figure out if she believed her. It was hard when she couldn’t study her face. She felt like Parvati never betrayed her before so maybe she did have a special interest in being her friend. A close friend, not just because of Survivor. 

There was silence before Parvati spoke up again. “Tell me something I don’t know about you. Something not many people know.”

Amanda thought about it before looking in the corner where her guitar stand was. It was a beat up acoustic that used to be her grandfather's. She supposed she could start trusting her in baby steps. 

“I can play guitar.”

“What?” Parvati sounded like she genuinely was not expecting that.

“I like to sing and play guitar for fun," She rolled her eyes sheepishly, "Mostly just Taylor Swift songs right now.”

“No way! I love her, but I sound like a cat dying when I sing. You’ll have to play something for me sometime.”

Amanda sighed as she thought about how long they’d been talking on the phone that night. Her and Ozzy’s conversations don’t usually go that long– especially in person when their hands start doing most of the talking.

They’d hung up shortly after that, leaving her feeling a mixture of uneasy and happy to have spoken to her. She’d felt vulnerable. She wanted to trust Parvati, but she wasn’t there yet. She’d cried way too many times in front of the older girl and Parv was never unkind, but Amanda would be a fool to think she wasn’t judging her. She was just so cool and collected. 

She wondered if her relationship with Parvati would ever leave the framework of Survivor. Partnering up for a specific goal. Bonding, but always looking out for themselves in the end. But Parvati cared, didn’t she? 

These were the sorts of things that nagged her mind, and distance didn’t help. 

The wind whipped through her ponytail as she got herself up and brushed the dirt from her hands and butt. She waved and greeted a family of hikers who passed her, clomping along. The little girl had the cutest purple sneakers and Paul Frank shirt. She squinted through the sunshine as she observed the view one last time before starting her descent. 

Each foot was cautious as she followed her route down. Back on the ground, she packed everything up and checked that she had her keys to the family car. When she got in the truck, she threw her climbing journal, which had a bunch of scribbles about everything on her brain, into the passenger seat.

Once home, Amanda let her gear fall to the floor, tugged off her tank top, and walked barefoot into the kitchen, her eyes briefly flicking to where the phone lived on the counter.

The answering machine blinked. Usually, she wouldn’t check the messages, but she pressed the button to listen. 

“Hi, Peggy, this is Kathy. Listen, I’m going to bring your tupperware to church on Sunday so let me know if you–”

She sighed and clicked it off. Next, she walked over to where the computer lived and sat down, her sweaty skin sticking to the leather uncomfortably. She had an email from Eliza that just said, “Read this.” with the link to a news article on...economic inequality? She rolled her eyes and logged out of her user. 

She gathered her belongings and brought them into her room, where she pulled out her journal one last time for the day.

She flipped to the page where she’d already written May 8 2008  and scribbled quickly in a new area:

Why does it still feel like my brain is in a pretzel? I keep feeling like I'm missing something.

Parvati is my  friend.

She looked at the words she just wrote. They seemed wrong.

Parvati is my competition.

She didn't like how that looked more accurate.

Parvati is my competition, but I want her friendship.

Maybe that was it? She thought of them as friends already so why did she crave this trust, attention, closeness.

She tapped her pen against the page, eyes unfocused on the wall. Then, after a pause, she added:

What is wrong with me lately?

Notes:

I did a lot of research on Montana and its mountains. Now I kind of want to visit since it looks so gorgeous in these spots! Fanfiction really makes you know about so many random things in great detail.

I also love this narrative that I’m spinning that Eliza makes it her personal mission to make sure these girls are socially conscious and news literate. I got the idea after the info came out that she grilled them at final tribal about politics and Amanda and Parv couldn’t answer. I’m thinking that she saw something gay going on between them during the season so now she’s working up the building blocks before sending them stuff about the LGBTQ community and internalized homophobia/heteronormativity. Doing God’s work, honestly.

There should be another chapter before HvV? Pretty sure since this was just a short connective chapter. No more Amanda POV in the future chapters, though, so enjoy it while it's here.

Chapter 4: pretty girl problems

It was odd to win a million dollars. As she hugged her family after her name was announced, she felt wonderstruck. The lights were bright and hot on her scalp as pride pumped through her veins. Something inside her gurgled up with delight, like champagne fizzing over the lip of a glass. The aggressive animal creeping in the corners of her navel felt full from eating the competition alive. 

They’d just wrapped filming the Reunion show, that final spectacle where questions are thrown at them in front of a live audience. Parvati explained her jury management and social capital to Jeff while her hand rested on Amanda’s thigh, Amanda’s hand firmly atop hers. 

What a surreal feeling.

She hugged castaways she hadn’t seen in months—many of whom she barely knew. Producers made quips about her impact on Survivor history. Even people who hated her, like Jonathan, offered congratulations. Everyone wanted a piece of her attention, and Parvati had always been a bit of an attention whore.

“Congratulations, Parvati,” Jeff said just to her, his eyes fixed on hers while the cameras rolled elsewhere. He gave that dimpled smile– but she wasn’t naive enough to think it was entirely genuine.

He may claim to love Survivor in all its forms, but she knew he had strong opinions about how people should win his game. She got the sense he didn’t fully respect how she clinched hers.

When she’d given her family a last kiss goodbye, she confirmed in her sister’s ear that she’d meet them for dinner later, just as promised. It would be at the fanciest restaurant they could find, since she was kind of rich now.

Briefly, she wondered how one even cashed a check like that. Would she need a lawyer? A financial team? The idea mystified her.

The theater emptied out, and contestants were leaving with their families or each other to explore the city's nightlife. Castaways that made it to final jury had to stay for press, so they all hovered around in clumps backstage, falling into easy patterns of chatter and laughter.

The lighting had changed from a nice golden glow to harsh fluorescents above them so everyone looked a little sweatier, a little shinier. Hair and wardrobe assistants darted around with tissues and powder. Water bottles were passed out like party favors.

Parvati looked up into the rafters as a crew member tapped translucent powder into her face so her forehead and cheeks wouldn't blind the public. 

“Thank you,” she chirped good-naturedly at them and straightened her dress for the fiftieth time. 

Her skin buzzed, and she didn’t know where to look or who to talk to. Natalie caught her eye and winked, but stayed locked in conversation with Alexis. To her left, Amanda stood with Ozzy—both of them looking awkward. 

Despite herself, Parvati noticed he wasn’t holding Amanda’s hand like before the theater cleared.

The green-eyed girl was saying something, offering him half-smiles. It was her brooding face, the one she made when she’d already shut down and needed time to stew. Parvati, of course, knew this because she’d spent weeks decoding all her faces.

(Amanda’s emotional state was never hard to read for her, but knowing exactly what she was thinking was impossible sometimes.)

This particular expression always sent Parvati into action since she never wanted Amanda strategizing against her on the Island.

“Amanda,” she called as crew members fluttered around her.

Like a loyal puppy, Amanda’s attention was redirected to her, and, unfortunately, so was Ozzy’s.

Parvati hadn’t actually planned what to say, too caught up in the thrill of stealing her. “Come here, hot stuff. Let’s talk strategy with these interviews.”

A flimsy excuse. They’d already been briefed by the media team. Amanda would breeze through with her girl-next-door charm while Parvati evaded questions, teased, and toyed with everyone.

Amanda gave her a plastic smile and rolled her eyes. Ozzy looked unhappy, but water was wet. He was probably dreading recounting his blindside for the hundredth time as well, something that made Parvati very happy.

“Um, we were talking here,” Ozzy snapped at her in the same irate way he always talks to her now. 

“Oh shoot, I’m sorry,” she whined, insincere as ever, cocking her hip. “It’s just that the two finalists have the longer press schedule. I think they want me and Amanda together.”

It was a little petty to rub it in his face, but Parvati loved to remind people that she and Amanda were the main characters. Even now, after she’d won, she didn’t want people to forget it was her and Amanda, not Amanda and Ozzy .

“I’ll see you later,” Amanda promised him, patting down his curls. The front curl bounced back into place as his dark eyes looked at her before sliding away, dull and dismissive.

Ding, ding, ding. Parvati smiled sweetly at him, a winner. 

“How are you feeling?” Parvati squinted up at her.

Amanda sighed and looked at her fixedly. Parvati’s heart skipped a beat in her chest, despite herself.

“Oh, you know,” Amanda sang, adding fake levity, but her voice was soft and flat. Her eyes were disappointed and stormy.

“Well, of course you’re depressed, you were talking to Ozzy,” Parvati said breezily, stepping into Amanda’s space like it was hers to take. “Come on, I’m way more fun.” 

Amanda let out an exasperated puff of air, but Parvati caught the corner of her mouth twitching.

“You’re impossible,” Amanda muttered.

They didn’t have much time to talk. For a while, they stick together, both of them hovering in each other’s orbit as different people come up to speak to them. Parvati’s steady stream of small talk kept things from getting awkward.

Soon, they were herded into a large, open hall where they were to speak with as many media outlets as possible. There were gaudy yellow and blue decorations, red felt rope, and tall men in suits guarding doors. Across the other side of the red rope were eager-looking people with microphones and cameras. 

She’d spotted a few notorious Survivor characters floating around. She could see the heads of Yul and Boston Rob near each other. Yul looked sharp in tailored formalwear, and Rob was absurdly casual in a short-sleeved button-up and cargo pants. Nate from Cook Islands showed up, primarily to support her. Rupert stood farther down the foyer, deep in conversation, wearing a Hawaiian shirt under a black blazer. Ethan Zohn and Jenna Lewis were in the crowd…at least she thought that was Jenna Lewis. Hard to tell. 

Unlike the other castaways, she and Amanda shared a publicist. Susan. Clipboard-clutching, gum-snapping Susan, who was now barking instructions at the press behind the velvet rope. She’d be managing their media flow, determining where they went and in what order. That was perfectly fine with Parvati, who felt out of her depth. 

“Alright Parvati, let’s get you going,” Susan declared, putting a manicured hand on her shoulder. “This gentleman first.”

She soon found out there weren’t many new and unique ways to answer the question “what are you doing with the money?”, but it didn’t stop her from trying to squeeze past the inquiry each time.

At one point, one of the reporters, a tall man with a salt and pepper buzz cut, asked into the microphone, “Parvati, what was with Natalie’s question? Was there something behind that? What- what-?”

He trailed off, clearly hoping she’d fill the silence.

She kept staring at him with an expectant face right until she saw the panic creep into his eyes. 

“Natalie and I are lovers.”

Mischief bubbled up inside her, leaving her mouth in delighted laughter as the two interviewers reflexively laughed with her, albeit not as joyful as her. The man’s laugh had a wild quality of relief and anxiety.

“You can print that,” she asserts, completely serious and keeps giggling before raising her eyebrows at him. “Anything else?”

* * *

After wrapping up her last interview, Parvati scanned the crowd for anyone familiar. The unknown faces gawking at her were getting a little old. The whole experience made her feel like she just finished playing the lead in a high school musical, and now she was stuck in that awkward limbo after the curtain fell— where everyone from your town loiters outside the auditorium waiting to congratulate you. 

Thanks to her height, she found Amanda a few yards away, still talking to a pair of reporters. Parvati meandered closer, careful to stay out of the cameras’ line of sight and the flow of foot traffic. Even then, people congratulated her as they passed– wide-eyed, starstruck, some beaming like they’d won too. Maybe, despite everything, there were people genuinely thrilled that she had won.

When she was close enough, but not in their space, she fidgeted with her earrings, pretending it was having issues while waiting for her to be done.

“It’s a weird mix of emotions right now. I feel proud of how far I got, but… yeah, it stings a little. But I guess that’s Survivor, right? ”

The interviewer asked her something, but Parvati couldn’t make it out fully. She heard her name and perked up. She strained her ears over the noise.

“-of Parvati’s gameplay?”

Amanda didn’t miss a beat. “Parvati played a great game. I mean, she’s smart, she’s social– she’s pretty– she knows how to read people so it’s not surprising,” she said, perfectly diplomatic.

Parvati thought that would be it, but Amanda kept going. The shift in tone was subtle, but she felt it immediately.

“She gives people what they want, you know,” Amanda said. “I’m sure she’s thrilled that it worked out for her.”

A small breath escaped her lips like something hit her in the stomach.

Her mind flashed to a moment a month ago, at a Starbucks, when a woman took a photo of her without asking. Parvati had called her out, only for the woman to smile and say, with a country drone, “I’m sending it to my husband. We watch Survivor, and he hates your voice so much. He wants to put you down like a dog whenever you’re on screen!”

Since Micronesia aired, the internet had torn her apart. Blogs labeled her an Island slut, a manipulative whore, a cocktease. Some of the images men had made of her online still made her sick. 

Who knows what’ll happen now that she’s won.

She felt oddly betrayed, but tried to tamp it down. It wasn’t a big deal, she told herself. Amanda could be upset after losing twice. She wouldn’t hold it against her.

It’s not something Parvati should care about anyway. Amanda didn’t even say anything particularly bad . She might not have even meant it like that.

(Granted, when she mentioned these things to Amanda, she’d laughed off most of the gross things happening to her. Called the worst headlines “creative.” )

Still, Amanda was supposed to get it. She was supposed to be smart enough. Instead, she was out here parroting soundbites that could’ve come straight from Jonathan Penner’s smug mouth. 

Parvati folded her arms in reflex, and she felt her mouth turn downward and eyebrows raise. She felt the desire to leave, but she didn’t know where else to go so she shuffled more toward where they were, trying to hear more. The interviewers seemed to have moved on from her answer while Parvati was still reeling from it.

“The fans wanted to know: who is your favorite Survivor player?”

“Um, when I watched when I was younger, I remember loving Tina and Ethan. Danni from Guatemala. James! I was so relieved when I first saw him in the hotel lobby and knew he was on this season too. I love him so much,” Amanda lit up like a Christmas tree talking about the tall man. She looked around for him, but was interrupted by the people in front of her. 

“Not Ozzy?” the interviewer baited her, clearly wanting some dirt on the situation. “Did you ever watch his first season and think to yourself-”

“I did,” Amanda interrupted smoothly, nodding as the smile dimmed, more serious. “He’s amazing in challenges. Ozzy and I care about each other a lot. It’s a unique experience to go through together so we’re figuring things out like anyone would, just… with cameras involved.” She smiled, “It’s not exactly the easiest relationship setup, but we’re doing our best.”

The interviewer nodded and continued on as if she didn’t say anything. 

“We spoke to Peih-Gee from Survivor China six months ago,” another chimed in. “She said she was shocked, watching it back, to see how much you actually did in the game— how big a player you are. Do you feel like that has contributed to your historic back-to-back losses? The idea that the jury doesn’t think you’re doing much?”

Parvati waited for Amanda’s response. There was a longer pause due to the sly insult in that question.

“You know, I need to work on shaping my narrative,” Amanda finally said. “Someone told me that recently, and I think it’s true. I believe I played a great game, and it speaks for itself, but sometimes that’s not enough.” Her voice was taut. The last sentence quick and clipped, a signal to move on.

As quickly as Amanda’s words had left her feeling cold and surly, this brought warmth into her body. God, was she easily swayed.

“There you are,” Susan appeared at her elbow, ID badge jangling on its lanyard. “Oh! Both of you. Perfect. Can you grab her? We’re wrapping up here.”

Despite her words, Susan tapped Amanda’s shoulder herself. Amanda turned, first toward her, then to Parvati.

She blinked like she’d been caught mid-thought. “Hey,” she said cautiously, her voice pitched high.

The interviewer lit up at the sight of the winner, no doubt hoping for a juicy moment on camera, but Parvati ignored it as she sidled up next to Amanda like she hadn’t just been eavesdropping.

“Susie Q says we gotta get going,” Parvati looked exaggeratingly apologetic at the man, twisted her jaw and gave the kind of “oh nooo” face that screamed staged remorse—adorable, effective. She jabbed her thumb to the side at their unhappy publicist. 

Parvati watched as his expression melted into one of sympathetic understanding and his eyes shined at her. She knew how to morph her pretty face to make people putty in her hands.

Without thinking, she slipped her hand down the length of Amanda’s arm until gently probing her fingers, asking for hand access. Her skin tingled and body warmed as she felt the other girl’s skin. 

As she gave an inordinately earnest goodbye to the man on both their behalves, she laced their fingers possessively and darted away with her.

Touching her like this always made something coil inside her– tight and impatient– while Amanda stayed maddeningly impassive.

Parvati wanted to sink her teeth into her until she got a reaction.

Susan called after them and made a noise of confusion at them leaving without her, but ultimately got sidetracked by a fan trying to hug James over the velvet rope and had to shoo them away.

Amanda followed her out of the hall and back toward the backstage tunnel.

“Sorry, I’m done with talking to people. I don’t know about you,” Parvati said, wiping the hair from her forehead. 

“No, yeah. Same.”

Parvati opened her mouth to speak again, but couldn’t before they got swept away by more reality TV chaos. 

There was no space to talk, not alone. The operations behind the scenes was a whole other organism that didn't care about the wants of one Parvati Shallow.

The last time she saw Amanda that trip, they were at a rooftop party in the city with all their Survivor friends, celebrating being together again. She was waving, drunk and giggly as Ozzy guided them to the exit, hand-in-hand. Parvati, caught in conversation- drunk herself- couldn't even process her goodbye before watching her disappear from view. 

* * *

Parvati’s date is gorgeous and so so boring.

They’re sitting on the patio of a rooftop bar in Los Feliz. She’s got her legs crossed and a smile on her face like usual. She got herself in this situation because last week, at the Tropicana Bar at the Hollywood Roosevelt, she’d been all over him. There was a pool there and he'd emerged– tall, built, dark-haired–  flicking his wet hair. He then proceeded to run into her and her girlfriends as they made their way to the bar.

Something slick and cold had hit her hands and her shirt stuck to his wet abdomen. Parvati whipped her head to attention with a surprised, “Oh!” as a God-like man in swim trunks apologized. He and his friends charmed her group for the rest of the night. He bought them drinks. Name dropped some high-profile celebrities. The rest was history.

His name was Eli and his charisma piqued her interest, but really, it was the way he focused on her that did it. They’d been on one other date before and it had been fine. There was a tension there that enticed her. 

But sitting here now, his arm draped lazily across the back of her chair like he’s staking a claim, she felt off for some reason. He was talking about an audition for some FBI show, but she wasn’t really listening. Her wine glass sweated in her hand as she swirled the melted ice around just to have something to do.

“Anyway, the role’s mine if the studio doesn’t go with the guy from Veronica Mars…”

Since she didn’t have to work her brain for the lackluster conversation, she instead admired his perfect features for a bit before getting uninterested in that as well. She wondered if the sex would be better than the conversation. There was something about the way he clearly wanted to dominate her– verbally, sexually, socially– that could have made things interesting. But she wasn’t sure she liked him enough to find out.

The last guy she dated had been a director in LA (shocker) who loved to put her down in sneaky ways and jerk her around for sport. Kept her on her toes. 

It seemed like the only thing she wanted to do these days was put herself into these situations.

“And what about you? You’re so mysterious, just sitting there watching me,” Eli said smugly, flashing his white teeth at her. 

She laughs because mysterious is what men call women when they have no idea what’s going on in their head and can’t read the room. He pointed at her with his tequila soda like it was a glass of scotch, smirking like he’d caught her doing something naughty.

Luckily, they were interrupted before Parvati could scoff at him.

A girl from another table—a sparkly-lipped girl in chunky Steve Madden heels and a denim skirt—squeals and leans across the railing. “Oh my God. Oh my God . You’re Parvati, right? From Survivor?” She almost mispronounces her name, but not enough for Parvati to correct her. 

Parvati flashes her a toothy smile, practiced. “Guilty.” 

The stranger seems happy about the prospect, so Parvati doesn’t raise her guard too much.

Eli squints at the girl and scratches the back of his short cut hair.

The girl’s drink begins to tip as she leans more and shoves her sunglasses on top of her head. “Can I just say: you were so good. Like, actually smart. Not like… you know.” She gestures vaguely, eyes wide. “You won, right?”

Eli raised his eyebrows and looked at her wryly before speaking up first. “She did, apparently,” he answers for her. “Their biggest season yet.”

Parvati smiles demurely and focuses her energy on appearing as nice as possible to this girl, “Not the biggest, but in my biased opinion, it was pretty darn good.”

The girl laughs, giddy. “I loved your female alliance. My boyfriend hated it. Fuming every night, which means you were doing something right.”

Parvati lets out a high, amused breath. “Well, we couldn’t have a man running things again, could we?”

She signs the girl’s cloth napkin with a stray pen in her purse, hiding it from their waiter. When the woman finally turns away, Eli turns back to her with an unimpressed look on his face.

Geez, you’d think he’d try to hide it more on a date.

“So,” he says, voice suddenly brittle, “do you get recognized a lot now?”

“Rarely,” she replies, rolling her eyes and busying herself by brushing her thumb across the lip of her glass. “It’s not that serious.”

“Reality TV has a short shelf life.”

She smiles, but it's pure performance. “Thanks, I’ll write that down.”

She didn’t stay long after that. Eli suggested they “keep the day going,” but she made up some excuse which had been easy to do since it was just past lunchtime.

Eli dropped her off at her apartment in West Hollywood in his black BMW 3 Series and she blew him a kiss as he sped off. When she shut the door behind her, she kicked off her heels and started taking out her earrings, padding through the living room to see if any of her roommates were home and wanted a report on the date. 

The place seemed still and quiet so she punched her thumb into the ‘ON’ button for the AC, slumped down on the couch and enjoyed the evening light streaming from their big window onto their tasteful decor. She had just flipped the TV on to a rerun of Bones when her phone buzzed.

1 New Text — Amanda

Got the internship!!! moving 2 LA end of next month. Will call soon x

Notes:

Guys, when I tell you I have been working on this chapter every day for months…it was rough. I’m praying you can't tell. I think I rewrote the reunion in twenty variations.

I also wrote such a massive chapter that I'm splitting it into two chapters. Next will be more Amanda/Parvati development in between seasons. We won't get to HvV just yet, but I should be finished with chapter 5 soon since it's 89% written. Yes, I will be sad when I have to write their [stupid] falling out.

Feedback is appreciated!

Chapter 5: footsie and peanut butter

Rat-tat-tat

Parvati rummaged through her purse for her lipgloss as she waited for someone to answer her knock. Her knuckles stung from how solid the older door was– a large forest green door with a little brass ‘27’ in the middle. 

She felt around her purse past the clinking Ibuprofen bottle, her wallet, and a crumpled cigarette packet until her fingers circled around the small cylinder. She was just able to apply some quickly, wondering if this was the correct floor, before the heavy door swung open.  

“Hey..?” The word rolled off her tongue and plopped onto the floor uselessly. Amanda’s eyes were listless and sad– nothing she’d expected when she came over to visit for the first time. 

“Come in,” Amanda sighed, making Parvati hesitantly step through the threshold into the sunny apartment that was actually decorated a lot for someone who had just moved in. There were boxes and tools, magazines, fluffy pillows, and seashells strung on the wall.

There was also an Amanda-shaped imprint in the couch where the throw blanket circled around an invisible person.

“Bad time?” Something was clearly off with Amanda, and not the ‘I miss Montana’ type of off she’d expected.  This was quieter and sharper, like an immediate, pressing pain.

Amanda’s long legs brought her to the couch quickly as she gracefully sunk into the corner, retaking the empty circle.

“I was going to text you not to come,” she looked up at her with her shining green eyes that looked light and stormy. In that moment, Parvati could picture a younger Amanda, maybe when she was fourteen, looking for comfort. “I guess it’s good you’re here, though.”

Parvati wanted to look around the place some more, but instead she studied Amanda as she sat there in a stretched-out sleep shirt that hung off her frame. Her hair was in a messy bun and her face looked clean and raw, just how Parvati liked it. 

Not that Amanda didn’t look stupid beautiful with makeup, obviously, but it always brought her back to how she knew Amanda on the island. 

“Okay, tell me what’s up,” Parvati said, taking her shoes off and shutting the door.

Amanda sucked in a breath and got to it. “I got some information from Chet.”

That made Parvati raise an eyebrow. “Chet? Haven’t heard that name in a long time.”

Amanda picked up her phone off the overturned box she’d been using as a side table and held it out like a weapon. “Apparently… he knows this girl. From New York.”

Parvati’s stomach turned. She had a feeling she knew where this was going.

Taking the phone, she clicked through, squinting at the tiny screen looking for Chet’s name. She skimmed it in silence.

It had been a few months since the Fans vs. Favorites Reunion show. She hadn’t thought about New York much since, except for when she was talking to Survivor friends and marveling at her win.

Amanda’s voice was low, “I don’t know who knows, but apparently she let it slip that she slept with Ozzy. In New York,” she sucked in a shaky breath and kept going with a strangled voice. “Right after the finale. She didn’t know we were still together. Chet thought I should know.”

“How kind of him,” Parvati grunted, finishing reading the last message before flicking her eyes upwards to see Amanda shake her head before tears appeared on her face. 

She covered her eyes with her hands. 

“Oh, honey,” Parvati cooed, putting the phone back and crouching on one knee so she could put a hand on her bare leg. 

“It’s-” was all Parvati heard before a sob broke through.

Parvati shushes her and rubs her back, feeling the soft cotton of her shirt and warmth of her body. She thinks she hears something like “so embarrassing.”

Eventually, she shoves the blanket cocoon aside so she can sit on the couch next to the younger woman. She switches from back rubs to taking Amanda’s hair tie out and running her hands through Amanda’s soft waves, trying to be a comfort.

“What a fucking rat,” Parvati murmured as she studied how the light made her dark hair look chestnut. She played with the locks of hair with her fingers, changing where the light hit. “Ozzy, I mean.”

All she got in response was a grunt of some kind. It could have been a laugh or a noise of frustration.

When she calmed down, Amanda rubbed her face and stared beyond the coffee table. “She’s some kind of model. Said she met him at a party? I don’t even know.” Two fingers come up to rub her temples.

“Ugh, who cares about her,” Parvati leaned forward. “Did you talk to Ozzy?”

Amanda’s face twisted into an expression that looked painful. “Yes, I called him. He just sighed at me! He sighed like I was burdening him by bringing it up and was like ‘you shouldn’t believe what people tell you’ just to turn around and say it was true. Didn’t try to soften the blow.”

Jesus Christ.

Parvati blinked, sucked in her lip and tried to look surprised even though it sounded like something Ozzy would do. Now, she didn't consider him cruel enough to do this to Amanda, but Ozzy would be that crude– that weak-minded– to cheat like this.

And after the hell he put Parvati through during final tribal council with his melodramatic speech, no less!

“He said it didn’t mean anything, and maybe it’s a sign we shouldn’t be together," Amanda muttered, mouth thick with saliva from crying. “It’s like he’s trying to hurt me. I mean, is that all I’m worth? Is that all my trust is worth?”

“A sign we shouldn’t be together?” Parvati repeated loudly, startling Amanda. “It’s not a fucking sign when you actively do something. He’s such a–”

She accidentally went on a rant before realizing Amanda was looking off into the distance with a wilted expression. She didn’t know where Amanda was, but it wasn’t with her.

Finally, she settled on telling her, “You don’t deserve that and you don’t need that.”

“He was going to help me move in,” Amanda said in reply, miserable. “My sister helped some, but she’s left already to go back to college.”

Parvati scoffed and stood up, popping her hip like Buffy. She pointed to her chest proudly. “I’ll help you move in.”

“I don’t know anyone here,” Amanda whimpered, ignoring her. “What am I even doing here?”

“Uh,” Parvati rolled her eyes and gestured to herself again, “You know me, babe. I’m all you need.” 

Amanda finally looked at her.

“Did you know?” she asked softly, intensely. 

Parvati shook her head fast, knowing immediately what she meant. “No. No, I didn’t.” Then slower: “You know I would have told you anything I know.”

It wasn’t entirely a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth. She’d heard some things from their Survivor circle, but hadn’t been sure if it was legit. Chet was a bit desperate to keep himself relevant among the castaways and was triggerhappy to have some gossip. Bottom line: it would not be good if Amanda knew she was keeping anything from her. 

Just like it’s always been with Ozzy and Amanda– she tried to stay impartial.

Amanda nodded once, like she already believed her. Her mouth pressed into a line.

“I don’t even think I’m mad. I’m just… tired of being humiliated. I’m such a loser.”

The self-depreciation unnerved Parvati and baffled her. It just seemed like a math equation that didn’t look right. The idea that Amanda could find a way to allow someone to make her feel that way about herself…

“Amanda,” Parvati said seriously, worried that she was looking at this entire situation wrong. “He made a fool of himself by betraying you. God, you should be mad!”

“Not everyone will think like you, Parvati,” Amanda said, and Parvati reeled back a little at the bitterness in her tone. Sometimes Amanda spoke to her with that tartness in her voice and it always took her by surprise. It wasn’t hurtful because Amanda couldn’t hurt a fly, but it was hard for Parvati to identify. Sometimes it would appear more when Parvati was being affectionate or kind.  

“Who the hell is everyone?” Parvati asked. It irked her because obviously she knew how brutal people could be. 

“If this got out somehow!” 

There was a pause as Parvati took a few breaths to keep levelheaded, as if she were in one of her yoga sessions. 

Amanda is stressed. Amanda just found out terrible news.

The city whispered through the open window, reminding them of the outside world. Cars beeped and a dog barked blocks away.

Amanda sighed and wiped her face, “I can picture the blogs now: ‘Amanda Loses Ozzy To Model Affair’ or ’Amanda Snuffs Torch on Ozzy After Steamy Side Fling Surfaces.’”

That made Parvati snort. So unintentionally funny.

“Um, no.  If he says a peep to the public, I’ll chop his balls off.” Parvati raised her eyebrows, daring her to say she was kidding. “I’m already planning to threaten him since we’ve been sitting here. I know a few Survivor Reddit mods who will tank his reputation.”

That made Amanda look at her hesitantly, “You’d do that for me?”

“I’d actually revel in it,” Parvati said with a grin, but she was serious.

She plopped herself down again, fixing her hair and shirt, unbothered. She'd worn her favorite blouse and the jeans that made her ass look amazing. It looked effortless, but back home, her bed was covered with heaps of discarded clothes she'd gone through before heading to Amanda's. 

Amanda herself wasn't wearing any pants. The woman had a propensity to lounge around the house in a shirt three sizes too large for her and just panties, Parvati has learned. Said something once about how it was more comfortable. 

The taller woman let out a long sigh and folded into Parvati’s shoulder like the air had been keeping her upright.

“I hate men," Amanda proclaimed simply. 

Parvati let out a laugh and agreed.

“No.” Parvati felt Amanda’s head move on her shoulder as she emoted more determinedly. “Like I actually hate men. They don’t get it. All he’d do was complain and talk about stuff in the most shallow way and was always wondering how he was voted out when he never understood a drop of strategy. He never made an effort to impress my parents. I always had to plan everything and–” She cut herself off, “You know, maybe I am mad. They’re all gross.”

Parvati laughed again, enjoying the tirade more than she probably should. She tried not to look too invested when, in reality, she hung onto every word.

“I mean, why can’t I– like– date you?”

Oh.

It sounded like something someone would say in a dream. Heat bloomed in her chest, curling at the base of her throat. She might start purring if she wasn’t careful.

She laughed, but it came out a beat too late, like she missed a step on the StairMaster, “Wait– what?”

Amanda was still going, not noticing the falter in her smile.

Without realizing it, Parvati brought a hand up to rub over her heart, as if trying to quiet the sudden thud behind it. As if Amanda might hear it.

“It’d be, like… actually kind of great, I think,” Amanda finished lamely and squinted up at Parvati from her shoulder. “Like you in guy-form. Or would it be me who's the guy?"

They were so close, Parvati could count the freckles on Amanda’s cheek. Words were at the tip of her tongue, but she accidentally thought about kissing her and her body flushed like she’d spiked a fever.

"Are you asking me out?" was what came out of Parvati's mouth. She heard her own voice sound a cross between amusement and bewilderment.

Slyly, she glanced again at Amanda's full lips before looking into her eyes expectantly. 

Amanda frowned, as if just now realizing what she’d said aloud. Her expression flickered to confusion, resistance, maybe even embarrassment. 

“No, I just meant... a joke,” she provided weakly.

But her ears were red.

Before Amanda could say more, the creak of a door interrupted them. A young woman stepped out from one of the closed rooms at the far end of the apartment, and Parvati startled— more deer-in-the-headlights than she’d felt in ages.

The stranger paused her stride when she saw them, intelligent-looking eyes observing the scene.

"Oops! Sorry, Amanda, I didn't realize there was someone over." She had a fast-paced way of talking, emphasizing certain consonants. She didn't sound like she was from California and a conversation with Amanda about it later would confirm the girl was from the East Coast. 

"Sorry,” Amanda said sheepishly, sitting up and combing her hair with her hands. Parvati didn’t know why she had to look so guilty. “Cleo, this is Parvati. Parvati, this is my new roommate."

Aw, so this is the girl who put up the ad on Facebook. 

Cleo changed her route from the kitchen to the living room where they sat innocently. She hovered by the archway, leaning against the paint casually. She had sharp features and calculating brown eyes that gleamed with amusement. Small in stature, but not someone you’d overlook. Her clothes were peculiar, but curated and trendy in a way that Parvati would consider crossing the 'cool' line. Maybe she was from Brooklyn, New York.

“Nice to meet you. Parvati?” She tried to mimic how Amanda said it, and Parvati nodded encouragingly.

"Yup, that’s me. Love the place,” Parvati oozed her charm, compensating for her earlier surprise. “How long have you been here?”

“About a year. I had two other roommates who bailed and left the city,” she said in that quick, snappy way. She lacked a sunny attitude, but it wasn't unpleasant.  “You’re real gorg. Where’d you say you were from? The same beauty factory that made this one?” she gestured to Amanda with her socked foot. “I almost didn’t message her back on Facebook because I thought she was one of those bots that steal model pictures off the internet.”

What an odd individual. Parvati rarely heard anyone who talked like Cleo in Los Angeles. 

"Aww, thanks! You’re one to talk,” Parvati flattered her back, master in the art of girl-talk. It wasn’t like she was lying. “I’ve lived a few places, but my family’s in Atlanta. I’ve been in LA for a couple years now.”

Cleo nods easily, fingering the ends of her long curly blonde hair. “So then how do you guys know each other? Are you..” She trails off, raising her eyebrows meaningfully. It was only for a second, but Parvati’s insides squirmed.

"She was also on the reality show I told you about,” Amanda piped up finally, as if she were waiting for a cue.

“Like– you and her together?”

Amanda nodded, “Yeah, I mean, we’ve both been on it twice and gotten pretty far,” she provided helpfully, sharing this fact proudly and sincerely like a little girl at a sleepover sharing a tidbit of cool information.

"No shit! That's awesome. I've never met a reality TV star before. Is there something wrong with you?" Cleo directed her attention to her.

"Definitely,” Parvati confirmed without missing a beat.

“Is it like…Big Brother? Or different?”

“Ew, no,” Parvati scoffed. “Way better than Big Brother. Trust me- never watch that before trying Survivor.

“Sorry I’m not a reality TV girl.” She did look genuinely disappointed, which endeared her to Parvati.  “It seems like I would know who you are if I were into that stuff.” She cocked her head to the side in a playful, wistful manner. “I feel like I’m experiencing something very cool and can’t appreciate it. I mean, your auras are crazy,” Cleo explained earnestly and pushed herself off the wall. 

"Aww, thank you." She thinks it was a compliment. “It’s okay, we’ve got time to indoctrinate you. You’ll soon realize how big of a deal we are.”

Amanda slapped her arm, signaling that was enough and Parvati sang a little, "just kidding!"

Cleo just smiled at them. "Anyway, it was nice to meet you. Gonna go Google you now,” she said in that brisk, wise-cracking manner that made Parvati huff with laughter. “Oh– and sorry for interrupting."

Cleo was already in the kitchen when she popped her head back out. "Oh hey, if you guys want to go out tonight, there's karaoke at this bar my friend works at." Parvati would soon learn that there were many many people Cleo knew all over Los Angeles in the service industry. She had a knack for forming deep friendships with many people, or so Parvati gathered. "I know someone here has a guitar so..."

She gestures to the general vicinity of Amanda's room and the moving boxes peaking out from the door.

"Thanks!" Parvati chirped. "That sounds so fun. You'll regret asking me the second I open my mouth."

She looked at Amanda questioningly but saw the shadow of sorrow in the creases of her eyelids.

"Yeah, I think we'll stay and catch up since I haven’t seen Manda in forever. But that would be so fun to take you up on the offer another time?" Parvati said from her position curled up into Amanda with little space between them, if any at all.

Cleo confirmed cheerily and rummaged around in the kitchen before slinking back into her room. Parvati caught a glimpse of dark wood furniture and different shaped perfumes and warm lighting. 

"She seems great, I'm glad you didn’t get a creep."

"Yeah," Amanda said, but her voice sounded far away and morose even though she was right next to her.

“Wanna order Thai?” she asked gently.

There was no more talk about Ozzy or anything related after that. They certainly didn't talk about the moment earlier before Cleo's unfortunately timed entrance. They were getting quite good at not addressing that elephant in the room.

Eventually, she accepted the fact that that Amanda didn’t want to talk at all so they watched America’s Next Top Model as they shoveled pad kra pao in their mouths. After that, they put in School of Rock since it was apparently Amanda’s comfort movie when she was sick. They played footsie as Amanda licked peanut butter off a spoon, the blue glow of the TV illuminating and casting shadows on her face.

Later, when Parvati was in her silky sheets at home, she replayed the memory behind her eyelids: Amanda giggling around the spoon in her mouth. Her inky hair tousled, falling in handsome swoops by her temple. Green eyes glowing and the red flush across her cheeks and the tip of her nose. Parvati replayed the day until her memories ran into each other like one big blob of sweetness and anxiety. 

She really did need to start doing something about this obsession.

Parvati had always had a certain compulsion toward girls, but this?

Natalie’s words echoed from months ago– words carried on salty air and humidity, from another life entirely.

She told herself it was just fatigue. Her family struggles were fraying the wires in her brain, and she needed to keep her sanity intact. Amanda was just… collateral damage.

That thought, cold as it was, helped her finally drift off to sleep, convinced she had a handle on things.

Notes:

Is it getting hot in here? The amount of people in this fic already like damn why are these girls about to kiss rn lowkey.

Had to split this chapter as well, surprise surprise. The words just keep flowing! Officially one more L.A. scene before HvV. We’re setting things up, people. It’s taking a little longer than expected because I realized that they’re going to need a lot more development if they’re going to survive that season.

(Next chapter won't be too long of a wait, similar to this one.)

Comments are appreciated so much! Since this fandom isn’t super active with stuff like this, I treasure the interactions with you all. I don’t know if people still use tumblr, but here is my tumblr:
@ jumbled-juliet
https://www.tumblr.com/jumbled-juliet?source=share