Chapter Text
I’d wanted to die since I was 10. Before my parents died, before I knew I was gay, before Alex. After not reaching my parents expectations for the 1000th time. I’d made a 92 on an English essay. The whole way home, I cried. I already knew the punishment: I was to be sent to bed without dinner. Not that it mattered anyway; I was starting to get thunder thighs anyway. I sobbed, wondering why I was such a screwup. I buried my face in my pillow and cried. I pressed the pillow down harder; I'd seen people get smothered on those crime shows my parents watched. It seemed peaceful once you stopped fighting your demise. But I didn't die. The universe wouldn't grant me that luxury. I pushed the pillow off my face when i felt too hot, gasping for air like a fish. In the morning i wanted to say something, anything. I wanted them to know I wasn't okay. But what could I say? Hey, Mom and Dad, last night after you yelled, I tried to kill myself.
The only difference now was this time it was going to work; I was sure of it. It was Christmas break. I had nowhere to go yet again. I hadn't seen alex since our fight, and i knew now was the time. All I had was Tylenol, and that would have to be enough. The bottle was new; I’d bought it a few days ago just for this. The cashier at the store was bubbly and friendly like Alex, and my heart ached. I looked around the room full of reminders of him: his energy drinks and hair ties.
The bottle felt heavier than usual, like it was weighed down by wasted potential. I sat on alex’s bed; it still smelled like him. I unscrewed the top. I dry swallowed 1, then 2, then 3, and then i stopped counting. I was only acutely aware of how it was almost empty. I slumped off the bed, the room spinning. Then I smiled, knowing Alex would finally be happier with me weighing him down.