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1.
Doctor Doom is not Bucky’s thing. In fact, he’s pretty sure there’s four bimbos in blue spandex jumpsuits who are supposed to deal with Doom.
Bucky and Sam aren’t even supposed to be on Doom duty. This whole Latverian mission was all about busting drug smugglers, not evil supervillains. But Sam got a whiff of Doom doing something underhanded, so now he’s Sam’s thing. Which makes him, inherently, Bucky’s thing.
And for the most part, they’d had it under control. Ironically enough, they were doing fine up until Doom fled the scene. He got some sort of ‘alert’ on something that looked suspiciously like an Apple Watch, and disappeared through a trapdoor.
But not before ordering his doom bots to destroy Bucky and Sam.
Cool. Fine. Bucky doesn’t believe in panicking. It’s just that they are surrounded by more of the killer machines then he can count, and Sam won’t be smart enough to fly away if he can’t take Bucky with him, so Bucky is going to need at least three contingency plans and he’s barely scraping together one and-
“RA RA RASPUTIN, RUSSIA’S SMOLLEST UWU BEAN!” A ball of black and red rolls in front of Bucky and Sam, then unfolds itself to reveal someone in a costume that is super dumb and looks kinda like that Spider-Guy’s suit.
Okay fine, the katanas are cool.
New guy whistles through his teeth. “Hey Falc. Hey Tall, Dark and Broody. Boy oh boy do you guys have a bad case of the doom bots.”
“Hey….” says Sam, always marginally more polite than Bucky.
“Oh my god, did you forget my name,” the other guy actually giggles.
“No, definitely not,” sputters Sam, “You’re um, Deadpond?”
“That’s so stupid,” says Bucky. “That can’t possibly be his name.”
“Close but no cigar,” the doom bots are closing in, and not-Deadpond does a twirl. “But that’s fine, it gives me a chance to do my song!”
From there, things only get more confusing. For starters, where is that music coming from? And is that…rapping?
“They call me Deadpool, I'm hella fast. Came to merc the bad guys, and get some ass!”
Deadpool (Sam was so close, the name is still dumb) unsheathes his katanas and makes quick work of the nearest doom bot.
“Got blades for days, got guns galore. Got combo moves, evades and more. With bear traps and hand grenades. Pull the pistol like a maniac right in your face!”
How the fuck did he fit all of that in those pouches on his belt?
“Poppin off caps, leave a trail of guts. Sittin' on my chair, scratchin' my nuts
Don't stop when I shoot, full-auto is on. Your ass is grass, and I'm mowin' the lawn!”
Okay fine, he’s got incredible aim.
“Hot lead to the head, and I won't stop! Whatcha crew gunna do when I hack and chop?”
…Did he just T-bag a doom bot?
“But all these bitches are prima donnas. I stuff my face with chimichangas. Tacos and beers, always keepin' it loose. Hang on for a minute while I'm droppin' a deuce!”
Deadpool does, unfortunately, somehow, perform all of those actions.
“Merc with a mouth, I can't die. One foot in a grave, but I'm still alive. Try to kill me? I'll just revive! Then I'll put another bullet right between your eyes!”
Oh… Bucky kinda remembers Steve mentioning this guy. Something about a healing factor even better than theirs. And being super annoying.
“I'm dangerous, feeling wreckless. Squeeze your neck like I was a necklace. Jump, flip and leave 'em headless! I like my guns all big like Texas!”
That is a really big gun. If this guy ever shuts up Bucky would like to know where he can get one.
“Hey goons, thugs, and bosses! Guess what? I brought Colossus!
Time's up, better count your losses! Kickin' that ass as my boyfriend watches!”
Bucky doesn’t have time to dwell on the giant shiny metal man that’s just come in through the wall . Because Deadpool tosses Bucky a phone that is video calling a contact labeled ‘bb boi’ and is answered by…Spider-Man?
“Run away, you know that I'll chase. Every bad guy, put 'em right in their place! Revenge! I'm gonna give you a taste, I'm sexy as hell, but I cover my face!”
“Hi?” Spider-Man is clearly swinging somewhere in downtown New York. “What’s up Sergeant Barnes? Oh! Is ‘Pool doing his song for you? I can’t believe I’m missing your first team-up!”
Is this a ‘team-up’?
“I'm 'bout to take you all to school with guns and knives!”
Bucky hands Sam the phone, he knows Spider-guy better.
“Tellin' jokes and breakin' the rules, I came for the tacos!”
Where the fuck did Deadpool get a taco from?
“Playin' with the ladies and my family jewels to bust a nut!”
And….he’s T-bagging doom bots again.
“'Bout to throw down with all these fools, so come and get some!”
What Steve hadn’t mentioned was how incredibly athletic this guy is?
“Bring the noise, I'll bring the pain. Ha! Kickin' ass and takin' names
Payback time, I'm not playin' games. These superpowers are feeling strange!”
Bucky wouldn’t be surprised if Strange himself showed up for his verse at this point, but he doesn’t.
“I move like a freakin' ninja. Hand to hand, you know I'll end ya. Got two swords, now I'll avenge ya. I don't care if I offend ya.”
Yeah, Bucky is a fan of the katanas. However, he’s gonna have to ask Sam later if that ninja line is culturally appropriative.
“Listen up, I got somethin' to say. That's right, I run my mouth all day! Step up, take a bloodbath! Now you're tryin' to run and it's makin' me laugh!”
If doom bots had the ability to flee, they would be right now.
“Ha ha ha! Where you gonna go to? Tryin' to hide, but you know I'm gonna find you! Tippy-toes, sneakin' up behind you, I'm Deadpool! Do I have to remind you?”
Did the lenses on his mask just wink at Bucky?
“Regenerate, because it's cool, when I fall off a ledge”
Holy shit that’s almost…
“The crazy-ass guards always lookin' to duel, so click, click, boom! I don't believe in the Golden Rule, I came to get paid!”
…all of the doom bots? Destroyed?
“Note to the ladies: I'm not a tool, I'm a sexy motherfucker.”
The giant shiny man, Colossus, shrugs and says in a deep voice, “he is a little bit of a tool. But he is also family.”
Deadpool comes to a pose in front of Sam and Bucky. Who haven’t had to move throughout the entire song. Haven’t had to touch a single one of their weapons. Sam starts to clap and Deadpool collapses, panting.
“Thank you, thank you, I’m not gonna do the whole outro because it’s kind of long. Do you guys think we could hitch a ride back with you to New York?”
2.
Bucky isn’t sure if he and Sam are Avengers that only do Avenger-related work occasionally. Or if they are just ‘regular’ superheroes who occasionally do work with the Avengers.
Either way, both he and Sam try to spend more time overseas working on missions, than sitting in boring Avenger meetings.
The one teeny tiny issue is that they both still have a hard time telling Steve ‘no’. Which is why they are currently sitting in one of the aforementioned Avenger meetings.
Well, Bucky is sitting and Sam is standing in the doorway talking to Thor.
“Jarvis, where the hell is Underoos and company?” barks Tony. Bucky doesn’t get what Steve sees in the guy.
“They are on their way to the tower sir. It looks like today will be a close call.”
“What does that even mean?” asks Sam.
“The Young Spider and the Pool of Dead often enjoy a friendly race to the tower for our gatherings!” explains Thor. “We place wagers on them.”
Steve grimaces and asks Nat, “Who did you bet on?”
“Peter.”
“Dammit.”
“Clint always bets on Deadpool,” Bruce tells Bucky. “But Nat is always right.”
“Wade’s going to catch up eventually,” says Clint. “But Nat cheated and left a kitchen window open for the kid.”
Nat raises a singular eyebrow.
“Fuck,” says Clint. “That window was a decoy wasn’t it?”
At that moment, Spider-Man fhwip fwhips to the door frame of the conference room and launches himself through-
-straight into the arms of Sam. Who catches him, right as Deadpool crashes through an overhead vent onto the table. Which lets out a hearty CRACK as he squeals: “Aw man! I was trying to land in Wilson’s arms!”
“Thanks,” says Spider-Man as Sam sets him on his feet. “Sorry about that.”
Sam shakes his head. “Do I even want to know where you came from?”
Spidey gives double thumbs up, “at least I won.”
“In what universe?!” splutters Deadpool. “I was definitely in the building before you-”
“In this-”
Tony clears his throat. It finally occurs to Spidey to look around, and he sees that Sam has come to sit next to Bucky, and the rest of the Avengers.
Deadpool slides off the table into Bucky’s lap where they manage to perform an elaborate handshake.
“Good to know that things can always get more chaotic,” says Steve.
“You should already know that,” says Clint.
“Cool, well since you two have so much energy, you can take a call we just received about rabid horse-sized kittens rampaging in Greenwich,” says Tony.
“Sweet,” says Deadpool.
“Wilson and Barnes can go with you.”
“Teeeeeaaaam up!” sings Deadpool in a pitchy falsetto.
Bucky dumps Deadpool out of his lap and turns to Sam. “This is why I never want to come to these things.”
3.
“Bucky. Bucky, wake up.”
“No.”
“Bucky,” says Sam, sitting up in their bed. “The spider-kid is on our fire escape.”
“Neat.” Bucky’s half naked and wholly determined not to be awake at 2am.
The window slides up and Spider-Man’s voice slips in. “Uh, hi Sam. Can I come in?”
“Hi. Sure, seeing as you’re already crawling through the window.”
“Goddammit.” This is Bucky, pulling a pillow over his head.
“You okay?” asks Sam. Because the spider-kid should really be spider-guy now that he’s in his late twenties. But he’s too easy to worry about.
“Oh yeah, I’m totally fine! But um, can I bring Deadpool in through the front door? I don’t know if he can hold together until we get to Queens and it’s raining and the alleyway I left him in is so gross-”
“For the love of god go get your fucking boyfriend,” grumbles Bucky, finally sitting up. “But don’t let him get blood in the elevator. We like all our neighbors.”
“Thanks Bucky! I’ll be right back!”
“His boyfriend?” echoes Sam as spider-kid vaults out of the window. He himself walks sleepily out of the bedroom, flipping light switches on.
“Don’t be homophobic Sam,” says Bucky, grumpily going to unlock their front door.
“Bucky, I had your dick in my mouth like three hours ago.”
“Which I would love to hear about in intimate detail,” wheezes Deadpool, coming in through the door. He’s being held up by the spider-kid, and held together with what looks like a lot of webbing. “But you should know I bled all over your elevator.”
“Fuck,” says Bucky.
“Way to hash the vibe DP,” says spider-kid, lowering the mercenary to the floor. He pulls off his own mask and turns to Bucky. Fine, Bucky will admit he is somewhat of an adult. Kinda. “I’m pretty good at getting blood out of stuff at this point.”
Deadpool sounds like he’s hocked a loogie into his own mask. “We can do the Steve thing, that will make them laugh!”
“What’s the Steve thing?” Sam sounds as suspicious as Bucky feels.
Deadpool pulls out a hello kitty phone and dials ‘Irondick’ on speaker.
“Why are you calling Tony? It’s 2am he won’t pick-”
“Hello?” Steve Roger’s sleepy voice comes through crystal clear.
Sam, Bucky, Wade, and Peter all laugh.
Tension broken. Sam, ever too courteous for his own good (see also: that time Steve and Natasha were fugitives of the law and showed up at his door and he let them) lends out spare sweatpants and t-shirts, and Bucky gets to go back to bed.
…
Bucky wakes up again to someone having a nightmare. After living with Sam, his super soldier sense often alerts him at the first whimper.
But…Bucky is wrapped up in Sam who is still slumbering soundly.
Bucky retracts himself from those biceps he’s so fond of, and peeks out into the living room. Deadpool, now fully healed, and Peter (spider-kid keeps insisting he has a name) have somehow managed to squeeze together on the couch and make it look cozy instead of impossible.
Peter cries out a little in his sleep, again, and Deadpool sleepily pets his back slurring dozily, “It’s alright baby boy, you’re having a bad dream. I’m right here.”
Peter startles awake. “Where-”
“We’re at Sir Falc-a-lot and Robo Cop’s place having a sleepover team-up.”
“Right.” And with that the kid conks back out.
Bucky goes back to bed.
4.
The thing about being a ‘super hero’ or ‘avenger’ or whatever the fuck it is they are doing here: is that most of the time you feel ridiculous.
For example: a bunch of guys dressed up in spandex fighting rabid horse-sized kittens in downtown New York? Dumb.
Natasha, Jen, Hope, Wanda? At least they all have hobbies. Careers outside of waiting for aliens or wizards or robots to show up.
Bucky thinks he needs to take their unspoken advice and get a hobby. Because when the Red Hulk comes smashing through the Financial District of Manhattan? He and Sam are so hobbyless, so real-job-less, that they are the first to show up. And Spider-Man and Deadpool are the second.
For the most part, it goes like how it always goes with those two. They are surprisingly effective for how much they find it impossible to shut up.
“Mess with the honk,” Deadpool gets a fire hydrant open and the blast sprays straight up into Red Hulk’s face, momentarily distracting him.
“You get the bonk!” Spider-Man shoves a large (driver-less) delivery truck under the hulk’s feet that he trips over and crashes into the pavement.
“You snooze, you lose!” yells Deadpool, throwing an explosive in the air to distract the hulk as he climbs back to his feet with a roar.
“You snost, and you lost!” Great, now Sam is chiming in as he sweeps in on his wings to get more civilians out of the way.
Spider-Man swings in to land by where Bucky is shooting useless rounds of very large bullets at the hulk’s face. “He doesn’t have Bruce’s abilities of energy absorption,” Spider-Man tells Bucky. He webs down a street light to smack into the big, angry bad guy now lumbering towards them. It does exactly nothing to stop him. “He’ll overheat with gamma radiation. Eventually.”
“What does that mean? He’s gonna xplode?!” Bucky switches out the magazine of his gun, with the knowledge that it’s not going to do much.
“It should mean he’ll get tired,” says Spider-Man. “We need to keep wearing him out until Tony can get here with the tranquilizer.” He fwhip fhwips off to the side of a building to continue distracting the Red Hulk.
Bucky briefly wonders what kind of tranquilizer can take down a hulk, and if he could possibly use it to get drunk. He misses being drunk.
Almost as much as he misses shooting something at all affected by his bullets. Dammit.
Tony does arrive with the tranq (Steve, Nat, and Bruce are somewhere undisclosed doing something top secret, Bucky had zoned out when Steve told him about it). But of course there’s only one big vial of it. And of course Tony is pulled away almost immediately to stop a building from falling down. And of course the Red Hulk is positioned to bring it down anyways with one big smash. And of course Spider-Man is the guy who ends up with the vial while Sam tries to help Tony keep the building up. Deadpool is across the street getting civilians to safety like Peter told him to and-
“No no NO NO NO!” Deadpool starts screaming into the comms as Spider-Man swings towards the Red Hulk with the tranquilizer. “NOT THE SLOW-TEMPO REPRISE OF YOUR MAIN THEME!!”
Bucky doesn’t know what that means. But he does know it’s bad when Spider-Man lets the hulk catch him in a big fist, because it’s the fastest way he can get close, and stabs him with the needle before he does anymore structural damage.
Spider-Man doesn’t let out the horrible little scream one makes when being squeezed by a hulk, until he’s made sure the Red Hulk is good and tranqued. Which he is, and it unfortunately makes him stumble back into the precarious falling-building situation.
Down comes the building, with Red Hulk and Spider-Man underneath it.
Good thing Bucky knows, from experience, that he’s faster than a falling building.
One day, Bucky is sure he’s going to find out what the super soldier serum can’t survive. But today isn’t that day. He gets himself over Peter, and his vibranium arm over as much of his own head as he can, and focuses on the screeching in his comms to distract himself from all the settling concrete trying to snap his spine. “He’s okay Wade,” gasps Bucky, because he knows what it’s like to be in love with a heroic idiot. “I can hear his heartbeat. Just get us out of here.”
Between Tony, Sam, and Wade, they are dug out faster than most people would be. Bucky loses consciousness right as he feels Sam’s hands pulling him up. By the time he comes back around, he’s in a hospital bed in the Avengers tower.
“I hope you’re the one who changed my underwear,” Bucky says weakly.
This does not produce a smile from the very upset Sam sitting by his bed. “You ever pull shit like that again, and I’m mailing your arm back to Wakanda.”
“Is the kid-”
“Peter is fine. Very concussed, a few broken bones that will heal dumb fast. But by our pathetically low standards, he’s fine. ”
“Ross?”
“Is unfortunately also fine. Lucky bastard.”
Bucky knows Sam doesn’t truly mean the unfortunately part. Bucky will dive under as many falling buildings as it takes as long as Sam feels like they are doing some good.
“It’s only funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s hilarious?” tries Bucky.
Still no smile from Sam. But he does lean over and rest his forehead on Bucky’s chest. “That scared me, Buck.”
Bucky pats his head. “I’m fine.” It’s true, he can feel his legs and everything. “But not our best team-up.”
5.
Sam is the bravest, funniest, most sincere, sexiest guy Bucky knows. Bucky is grateful for every single morning that he wakes up to another day of Sam ordering him around, both on the field and in the bedroom. Bucky would do anything for Sam.
Bucky, however, would not wish a sick Sam Wilson on anyone.
Now, it’s not like Bucky isn’t sympathetic. It’s not like Bucky isn't trying. But once he’s made the home-made chicken noodle soup, bought ALL the cold medicines, cleaned the house, been to the doctor appointment, and made the couch into the world’s comfiest sick bed? And Sam Wilson is still acting like he’s got the bubonic plague? What else can he do?!
Bucky had to get out of there.
Torres said he had some weird data coming out of Quebec, nothing too wild or anything. Canada had been willing to grant Bucky, Steve, and Sam pardon during the lil Sokovia Accords issue, so he’s more than welcome to come check out anything that will probably be wrapped up by dinner.
Bucky had said ‘get me on a fucking quinjet, please and thank you.’
What none of this long-winded context does, is justify Bucky getting stuck.
In his defense, what Torres called some “weird data coming out of Quebec, nothing too wild” ends up being smuggled Chitauri tech and some guys who are not stoked to have The Winter Soldier banging down their door about it. Bucky is 70 years and a few brainwashings past overqualified when it comes to b-list weapons-dealers. Except…
…Except one guy has the unfortunate sense to shoot Bucky with that one piece of goddamn alien tech that ends up containing Bucky in a floating bubble of something that doesn’t hurt him. And he can’t break out of.
It’s not dangerous. It’s not ground-breaking. It’s fucking embarrassing.
Bucky stares at the smugglers through his bubble prison that bobs five feet off the ground. He keeps trying to, at the very least, float up-right, but even that is making him do goofy things with his arms.
The smugglers stare at Bucky. They try to play victorious, but honestly what can you do with a super-soldier in a bubble? Not let him out, that’s for goddam certain. Not with that murderous look in his eyes.
The impasse is broken by the screaming of several of the smugglers who appear to have been shot in their butt cheeks.
“Rise and shine Canada!” shrieks a gleeful, familiar voice. ““The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed!”
Yup, Bucky recognizes that figure. “Wade?”
“Bonjour!” Wade, (Well, Deadpool, he’s in uniform) round-house kicks a smuggler in his face. “Doomed by the narrative all by yourself handsome?”
“Sam is out sick,” admits Bucky, floating sideways as he gives up on his fight to seem dignified in the bubble.
Wade "tsks" and bangs the head of two more smugglers together. “Spidey is at work. Like, his actual 9-5."
“Weird.”
“Totally,” agrees Wade. “Blah blah blah, something about a 401K and life health insurance.”
“No offense,” truly, but Bucky has got to ask. “Why are you here?”
“Oh! Because I have all you tracked, duh! And when I saw you were coming to Le Motherland I totally had to tag along to see what you were up to!” Wade finishes non-fatally taking care of the last baddie. “Way less maple syrup involved than I hoped.”
“Are you gonna get me out of here or what?” The bubble is now making Bucky's hair do weird things.
Wade sighs, shoots the knee of a guy who's trying to stand back up. “Sometimes I Wonder if I’m Too Silly of a Goose.” He pulls out a katana.
“Wait-” starts Bucky. But it’s too late. Turns out his impenetrable bubble prison is penetrable from the outside. And pops on the adamantium blade of Wade’s katana. Bucky hits the ground with a cough.
Wade leans over, his mask somehow smiling down at Bucky, singing “What can I say except you're welcome!”
“Don’t ruin Moana for me,” groans Bucky.
…
“Hey,” Wade when they’re in the quinjet on the way back. He doesn’t sound serious, per say. But maybe as serious as Bucky can assume he gets. “Did I ever say thank you for saving itsy-bitsy’s life?”
Bucky realizes he’s talking about Bucky not letting Peter get entirely squished during the Red Hulk Episode. “Uh, yeah. And you sent, I’m not exaggerating, thirty dozen roses. And Build-A-Bears of both me and Sam that say incredibly inappropriate things when you squeeze them.”
“Oh good, sounds like me. But with this swiss-cheese noggin, I had to make sure.” Wade hums and pulls a tangerine flavored La Croix out of nowhere. Cracks it open. “Here’s to another successful team-up.”
+1
Bucky is less surprised that he and Sam have run into Peter at Trader Joes, and more surprised that Peter is wearing crocs. With all those holes and the nastiness of New York City you would think-
“Do you and Wade want to come over for dinner tonight?” Why is Sam asking that? The last time Spider-Man and Deadpool came over they absolutely ruined the elevator.
Peter beams. God, it should be illegal to be that shiny. “I think Wade’s already got something going, so you guys should come to our place!”
“Yes,” Bucky is admittedly soooo curious. “We can do that.”
Sam shoots him a look, “If Wade is already cooking you should check with him first-”
Peter already has his phone out, making the call. “Hi DP, I just ran into Sam and Bucky. Do you care that I invited them over to dinner? No, this is not one of your dirty fantasies. I’ll ask.” Peter looks at them, “Do you guys have any allergies or food restrictions? No? They said no. Cool, be home in ten. Actually, I’ll walk with them, so like twenty.”
Sam, of course, has to ask. “Were you going to swing home with your groceries? In crocs?”
Which is how Bucky and Sam end up eating the most delicious lasagna dinner Bucky has ever had, in the most cluttered apartment Bucky has ever seen. It’s absolute chaos. He can’t wait to come back and snoop around.
“Do I smell dessert?” asks Sam, two seconds after they’ve finished the meal.
“Wade made crème brûlée.”
Deadpool reappears with a flaming platter. “It’s the only kind of arson Peter allows in the house.”
“That’s because of the incident with the toaster-“
Wade sets the crème brûlée on the table and when it stops being on fire, it actually looks divine. “Made with love!”
“That means he licked the spoon.” Peter says, “but it is pretty phenomenal.”
Peter is right, it is phenomenal.
Even Sam pats his stomach and says, “This was a good team-up.”