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After his elimination, Benji couldn't help but blame himself. It was a pain and effort to keep going in the show, and yet his own elimination did not sit well with him. I mean, he had left Hannah all alone. It was his fault for being so weird.
Benji sighed as he stepped off the boat and into the island. He noticed the sign labeled something about getting a chance to come back or going to a motel. He couldn't see it well due to the tears welling in his eyes, but he didn't care anyway. He hated it. He hated everything. But he mainly hated himself.
He had a heavy suspicion Tristan probably chose to come-back. So he decided to take the path to the island. Benji didn't care anymore about coming back, really. He just wanted to see them.
As he stepped into the sort of campground the others had set up, it was already pouring rain. Great. Weather just fit for his mood in that moment.
He wasn't sure where everyone was and it made him anxious. Benji set into slight panic as he felt the tears in his eyes threatening to fall- and his chest tightening. "F-fucking idiot.." he called himself, knowing no one was there to hear it but him.
He truely was a disappointment. Just like his mother said. Benji couldn't help himself as he fell to the ground, hugging his knees and feeling tears rapidly falling down to wet his clothes. At least it blended in with the raindrops- so no one would notice when they eventually find him.
He started thinking about his home-life. Unlike his parents, he wasn't religious, he figured he never would be. It was weird. It felt so foreign to him, something he knew he would never ever understand.
Kinda like himself. He would never manage to understand who he truly was. It was pathetic.
-
Benji hadn't even registered Tristan's touch on his shoulder as they gasp worriedly. "Benji?"
He thinks about around 3 hours had passed. He was kinda hoping it took them longer to find him. Especially like this.
Benji gazed up, his face completely clear of tears. He was great at hiding when he had been crying. Not even intentionally, he just was.
"Benji!" Tristan gasped, now excitedly. They pulled Benji into a hug lovingly, his arms wrapping around them too. "I missed you buddy! What happened??"
"..."
It wasn't worth it.
"I don't know. Hi Tris." Benji replied back somberly. As much as he was an unintentional expert at hiding his tears- he wasn't great at hiding his true feelings and it showed.
"Benji? You good?" The goth asked him, rubbing his back in their embrace.
"Oh, yeah. I'm all okay. Where are the others?" He sniffed, hoping Tristan would ignore his mood.
"Cmon, I'll lead the way!" They grabbed his hand, pulling away from the hug that now threatened to destroy Benji.
-
"Ivy!! Guess who's back!" They cheered, peering into the place they had managed to "live" in. Ivy gasped, looking quizzically. "What? Is it Zaid!"
"Oh- um, no not quite!" They chuckled, pulling Benji into the scene. He let out a low chuckle, trying to get away from the eyes that stared him down.
Ted looked at Alessio in slight confusion, the both of them genuinely not knowing who he was quite well. "Ah, Benji? I see. You were in red team- correct?" Alessio questioned, in which Benji nodded.
"Benji... hm.." Amelie sneered, not quite liking him still. Benji gulped nervously in response darting his eyes around the room. He began to attempt to soothe himself in this distressing moment by rubbing the back of his neck. It was something he did when stressed, trying to apply pressure to himself to distract him.
It wasn't a healthy coping mechanism- but it worked.
"T-tris can we go somewhere else..." He begged silently hoping they would get the hint. Luckily, they did and pulled him out. They had their arm around his shoulder as they walked around with him.
Benji wasn't okay.
It wasn't long before Tristan noticed Benji sniffing an awful lot. "Benji?"
As soon as they whispered his name, he broke into quiet sobs. Tristan immediately held him.
"I-i'm so stupid, im so fucking stupid, Tris.." He cried with pure self-hatred. Before Tristan could manage a positive response he continued on. "Its all my fucking fault, Tris. I caused this. One of the only friends i had hates me now." Tristan was shocked. Who on earth hated Benji?
"What? Who?" They whispered.
"Zaid. He hates my guts."
"What?! How, how did that happen..?"
"I-i.. I don't really know. I think he thinks I targeted Ivy on purpose. I-i didn't want to I swear, but I couldn't betray Hannah and I like Zaid too much to get him out of the game."
"What? He didn't even think to ask if it was Hannah's doing?"
Benji hadn't quite realized that, and it made him feel even shittier than before. God he fucking hated himself. Somehow, he had considered himself closer to Zaid than Hannah was to Zaid. And yet even with that, Zaid didnt even think to question if Hannah was the one who did this. It was always Benji's fault.
"I'm a fucking idiot. I hate myself. Im sorry. I don't understand why you're putting up with me right now."
"Hey.. hey, don't apologize. None of this is your fault.."
"It is, Tristan." Tristan heard Benji call them their full name instead of a nickname, like "Tris". It was out of the normal for him.