Chapter Text
Private message between Chishiya and Niragi
Chishiya: I have a proposal.
Niragi: nothing good is going to come from this conversation
Chishiya: I've not even gotten to said request, have you so little faith in me?
Niragi: zero faith, yea
Chishiya: The way you type is egregious.
Niragi: im texting a stuck up asshole not writing a professional email
Niragi: if you want punctuation i better be on payroll
Chishiya : If you're done, I would like to continue.
Niragi: yes yes your highness
Chishiya: I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend
Niragi: ….
Niragi: it's may
Chishiya : May 28th, I am aware. What does that have to do with anything?
Niragi: yeah, you're almost 2 months off from April fools, buddy
Chishiya : Haha Niragi
Niragi: you fuckin serious?
Chishiya : Amazing, punctuation!
Niragi: listen asshole, I barely even tolerate you and you think I'd willingly pretend to be your damn boyfriend?
Niragi: and for what
Niragi: bc last time I checked, being gay was a social death sentence in the wrong neighborhood, esp the wealthy ass family ur from
Chishiya: That's the point.
Niragi: wtf
Chishiya: My parents want me to date their business partner's daughter. Whom I don't wish to date for 30 different reasons
Niragi: one of which is that you're apparently very gay
Chishiya: And the only way they're going to leave me alone is if they think I've found a partner already, and I do need them to understand that I like men exclusively.
Chishiya replied to the message, "one of which is that…."
Chishiya: Yeah, mainly that.
Niragi: cool cool you got shit parents
Niragi: why tf is this my issue tho
Chishiya: Because you're the only other queer man I know whos not taken.
Niragi: tatta is rite there
Chishiya: Tatta's straight?
Niragi: very much not
Chishiya: Well, that is unfortunate.
Niragi: if you tell me you prematurely volunteered me, i will shoot you
Chishiya: Well, there are other reasons. He wouldn't work, he's too nice to be put through the hell that is my family.
Chishiya: But i did have to give them a name earlier tonight and hadn't anticipated they would immediately want to meet said boyfriend
Niragi: I know where you live, asshole. I am going to strangle you in your sleep
Chishiya: No you will not.
Niragi: whyyy
Chishiya: Again, I have my reasons. One of which is that you're everything my parents would hate in a partner. Loud, brash, unrespectable career, among other things.
Niragi: wow, i feel so incentivized to meet your family and do this huge favor for you
Chishiya: Seriously, Niragi,
Niragi: I'm serious about not giving a fuck about whatever shit you managed to stir up with your family
Niragi: I can barely tolerate you, and you expect me to sit and play nice with your family
Chishiya: It's not like you have a lot of excitement in your life
Niragi: last I check ur the one who needs entertainment at second or hell kneel over and die
Chishiya: …
Niragi: right now it seems to me ur desperate bc you already admitted to dating me and now you can't go back
Niragi: you'll say anything right now so you don't have to admit you lied
Chishiya: Are you done?
Niragi: You know what?
Niragi: you're right
Niragi : I am board
Niragi: so sure, I'll pay along
Niragi: but you never get to ask me anything ever again
Chishiya: Gladly.
Niragi: now
Niragi: what the hell do you even want me to do???
Chishiya: So my family expects you to attend with me to a medical convention later this month as my plus one, since according to them, I'm approaching the age where it's socially unacceptable to be single.
Niragi: you're like 25
Chishiya: I turn 30 this year
Niragi: no you don't
Chishiya: Do you live to be the contrarian?
Niragi: that's your job freak
Chishiya: Okay, then, well, we have to prepare for that.
Niragi: what happened to my behavior being part of the charm
Chishiya: I'm trying to piss off my family, not embarrass myself.
Niragi: hate to break it to you, but you embarrassed yourself the second you said we were dating
Chishiya : I have dignity left, and you will not be the one to destroy it
Niragi: that's what you think
Chishiya: Please don't make me regret this, I quite literally cannot go back.
Niragi: again, that happened the second you told your parents i was your boyfriend
Chishiya: Anyway, i feel it goes without saying that no one will ever hear about this,
Niragi: as funny as it would be to bully you
Niragi: Yeah, no way am I admitting to even pretending to be interested in you.
Chishiya: Good, glad we had that conversation.
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Chishiya family chatroom
Dad: Shuntaro, I expect to meet this young man at least once before you bring him to this conference.
Shuntaro: That is exactly not what was said to me yesterday.
Dad: You will not bring shame to the family name by bringing a roughen to such an important event.
Shuntaro: Father, with all due respect, the fact I'm bringing a man negates that fact.
Dad: if you're going to engage with a man, it will be a man we approve of.
Shuntaro: With absolutely zero respect, then, that's not your choice to make.
Mom: If you're so in love with such a man, then allow us to meet him.
Shuntaro: When, exactly?
Mom: This Friday, dear.
Private message between Chishiya and Niragi
Chishiya: Time sensitive question, are you busy Friday evening?
Niragi: no???
Chishiya: Perfect, you're meeting my family early.
Niragi: what
Niragi: excuse me asshole get back here
Chishiya family chatroom
Shuntaro: Had to check in, we're both free that night.
Mom: Wonderful.
Dad: I expect the best from you, Shuntaro.
Shuntaro: Yes, father.
Chishiya's notes app
- Dinner with family on Friday at 5pm,
- Get Niragi nice-ish clothes.
Private message between Chishiya and Niragi
Niragi: Chishiya Shuntaro
Chishiya: That wasn't necessary.
Niragi: It got your attention asshole
Niragi: now explain yourself
Chishiya: My parents want to meet you Friday, to 'assess you'.
Niragi: why the fuck do I want to do this again?
Chishiya: Because I pay the rent.
Niragi: asshole
Chishiya: Mmm, so you've told me. Anyway, my parents are going to be exactly like me but worse, so good luck
Niragi: hey have I told you how much I want to murder ?
Chishiya: Extensively, yes
Niragi: well i really want to disembowel you right now
Chishiya: I didn't know you could use big words like that
Niragi: I'm going to beat you to death with my diploma
Chishiya: Well that's just unnecessary
Niragi: ffs
Niragi: wait a damn minute
Niragi: I know nothing about you you cryptic asshole
Chishiya: And?
Niragi: isn't that like the bare minimum for a relationship?
Chishiya: my parents knew next to nothing about each other when they got married, so I don't see a problem
Niragi: oh my god ur hopeless
Chishiya: ???
Niragi: I cannot believe I have to be the expert here
Niragi: are you trying to convince your family that you actually like your partner or just pulled some random dude off the street
Niragi: dude, what's my favorite color?
Chishiya: Why would I know that?
Niragi: because we're dating
Chishiya: …
Niragi: yeah dumbass, we have to actually know stuff about each other if you want them to buy this shit.
Chishiya: I suppose
Niragi: Ur lucky I'm at work rn or I'd walk into your house and strangle you dead
Chishiya: I'm pretty sure that's not part of a healthy relationship, either.
Niragi: fucking
Niragi: look, I have a project to finish, I don't got time for this shit
Chishiya: When you return.
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Chishiya's notes app
- Things I learned about Niragi
- He wears glasses. He's wearing glasses as I write.
- Very annoying
- Has a degree and is far too proud of it
- Won't talk about his family for whatever reason
- Sad sad social life
- A light weight, how is he already tipsy?
- He likes potatoes, perhaps too much (and I thought ramen for every meal was bad, but potato and egg? Come one get some variety)
- His favorite color is purple. He is lying, I'm sure.
- His glasses are distracting me it's stupid
- He makes video games and apparently that requires you to be good at math.
- Him and Arisu should compete for who's more accident prone. My money is on Arisu.
- Has dated before. He is lying, I'm positive.
- Is probably too concerned about time
Niragi's notes app
Things about the rat bastard
- His family is even more annoying than he is. Why did I agree to this again?
- Thinks sleeping is a hobby
- Cat person. not surprising
- Eat ramen for every meal. At this point I'm breaking into his house and giving him a proper meal for the sale of his sodium intake
- Favorite color blue
- Has no concept of a relationship whatsoever.
- Thinks being an asshole is a personality trait
- Daddy issues ™
- And who's surprised
- He uses box dye from 7-11 which makes so much sense god his hair is fried
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The Group Chat ™
Kuina: Movie night Friday?
Arisu: sounds fun sounds fun
Usagi: Yeah, I don't mind. What time were we thinking
Kuina: something like 7pm? I think everyone should be off work by then
Arisu: yeah, I get off at 5 so I should have time.
Ann: I'm off that day, sounds doable.
Kuina: @Chishiya @Niragi come on losers
Arisu: you know how busy those two are
Kuina: Yeah, they're always busy, but I want to hang out with my friends .
Niragi: no
Kuina: come on, man, you never hang out
Niragi: I literally saw you freaks earlier this month
Kuina: that doesn't count
Niragi: unless you want to explain to my boss why I'm behind on this deadline
Niragi: no
Kuina: (╥﹏╥)
Niragi: get that thing away from me
Arisu: well, I'm sure there's always next time.
Usagi: yeah Kuina. Besides, it's not like we don't see him enough
Niragi: Listen here bitch
Chishiya: I'm afraid I'll also be busy
Kuina: you've gotta chill with the 60 hour work weeks man
Chishiya: It's not really a choice, but sure.
Kuina: why am I always denied the option to hang out with my friends (っ˘̩╭╮˘̩)っ
Niragi: wait literally one day and I'll be free you dramatic bitch
Chishiya: I've still got another 12 hour shift.
Niragi: frankly getting him away from the hospital or his bed was a fools errand anyway
Arisu: sad but true.
Chishiya: I am right here
Kuina: call me when you're not overworking yourself to death
Chishiya: Okay, Kuina.
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Private message between Chishiya and Niragi
Chishiya: Do you even own a suit?
Niragi: It's a family dinner????
Chishiya : It's my family. You're expected to dress at least semi formally. And you will need a proper suit for the convention.
Niragi: for fuckin what
Chishiya: This is a formal event.
Niragi: Wasn't the whole point to be an embarrassment?
Chishiya: I want to embarrass my family, not myself.
Niragi: hsjsjsjab
Chishiya: Why am I surprised you don't own a suit?
Niragi: 90% of my job is sitting behind a desk
Niragi: the best you're going to get is a patterned button up
Chishiya: I am certain that wearing those shirts around my parents will result in you being called a slur.
Niragi: mmm yes, my fashion sense will get me gay slurs
Niragi: and not, idk, dating a man
Chishiya: Yes.
Niragi: wait until they find out about gay sex
Chishiya: You are not telling my family we had sex. It's bad enough to pretend to date you
Niragi: ofc, Shuntaro
Chishiya: Don't call me that.
Niragi: name me one well adjusted couple who would call each other their family names
Niragi: and if you say your parents I'm going to shoot you
Chishiya: I would still call you Niragi even if we were dating
Niragi: not happening freak
Chishiya: This cannot be the obvious tell
Niragi: Do you even know my given name?
Chishiya: Suguru
Niragi: there we go
Niragi: Just stop pretending to be dumb
Niragi: It's not a good look
Chishiya: It's hard not dumbing myself down for you.
Niragi forwarded a message
Niragi: I'm going to beat you to death with my diploma
Chishiya: Yes yes I get it you went to college you're very proud.
Chishiya: Why would I ever call you Suguru?
Niragi: you wouldn't call me Niragi in bed
Chishiya: I would sooner sleep on the floor than share a bed with you.
Niragi: bitch
Chishiya : Besides, you would be screaming my name.
Niragi: BITCH
Chishiya: Moving on. We need to go suit shopping tomorrow
Niragi: why do I need a suit
Chishiya: No boyfriend of mine will embarrass me, Suguru.
Niragi: ugh
Niragi: I send your future partner my condolences
Chishiya: You are an insufferable child.
Niragi: that's what I try to be
Niragi: if I can annoy you half as bad as you annoy me, then I'll be happy in life
Chishiya: I don't think you can experience happiness.
Niragi: I'll be happy when I have my hands around your throat
Chishiya: …
Niragi: wait
Chishiya: It's not like I took you for a vanilla kind of guy,
Niragi: no
Chishiya: But breath play? Really?
Niragi: I hate you
Chishiya: The feeling is very mutual.
Niragi: what the fuck was this original conversation even about
Chishiya: Suit shopping.
Niragi: damn
Niragi: I shouldn't have asked
Chishiya: We can't just pretend you don't need a suit.
Niragi: can this wait until after dinner?
Chishiya: If my parents insist on taking you shopping themselves, I'm throwing you to the wolves.
Niragi: WHY IS YOUR ONLY PERSONALITY TRAIT BEING AN ASSHOLE
Chishiya: You're the only person bothered by this behavior, so I'm not sure how to help you.
Niragi: I'm just the only one with the balls to call you out
Chishiya: Doubt it.
Chishiya: Regardless, I need to see what acceptable clothes you have for tomorrow.
Niragi: if you think I'm not only letting you into my home but my closet you're crazy
Chishiya: What were you saying about healthy relationships again?
Niragi: I'm an amazing and wonderful friend who won't leave you to your shitty family
Chishiya: We are not friends.
Niragi: obviously
Niragi: we're boyfriends
Chishiya: I'm going to burn your entire closet to the ground.
Niragi: how nice
Niragi: while ur being a bitch over there, I'm going to be mentally preparing for whatever clusterfuck is going to happen tomorrow.
Chishiya: The things I tolerate.
Niragi: yep.
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Private messages between Chishiya and Kuina
Kuina: hey man, are you going to be fine with your family tonight?
Chishiya: Of course.
Kuina: I just wanted to check. They've been talking to you more often recently
Chishiya: They finally remembered I exist purely to show off like a toy
Kuina: damn, want me to fight them?
Kuina: I've been told I throw a mean right hook.
Chishiya: I'll consider
Chishiya: They're talking about numbers, I don't even understand what the numbers are about.
Kuina: damn
Kuina: do you want to eat snacks and watch crappy k-dramas next time you're free?
Chishiya: make it a c-drama, and we've got ourselves a night
Kuina: o((*^▽^*))oo((*^▽^*))o
Chishiya: …
Kuina: :D
Chishiya: ⊂(・^・⊂)
Kuina: YES
Chishiya: My fathers giving me a look so I have to put my phone away, I'll fill you in at a later date.
Kuina: chao
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Chishiya Family Chatroom.
Dad: Are you trying to make a fool out of me, boy?
Shuntaro: Of course not, father.
Dad: Then why would you dare bring such a man into our home and sully our name like that.
Shuntaro: You're the ones who insisted I show off my partner to you and the convention. May i remind you that I have never been vocal or loud about my sexuality or relationship.
Dad: I wanted you to court Momot for our business prospects.
Shuntaro: I will not leave my current partner for a loveless relationship so that the hospital can get funding. I already told you this.
Mom: Surely you had better prospects than this Niragi.
Shuntaro: Feelings are often illogical, are they not?
Mom: You should know better than how to control them.
Shuntaro: Do you have anything new to say? Or shall you lament on my taboo relations once more.
Dad: I want you and that boy to represent the Chishiya name with more respect. If you inist on being with him, then you will have him dressed finely at the convention. Understood?
Shuntaro: Yes father.
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Private message between Chishiya and Niragi
Chishiya: That went surprisingly well.
Niragi: ur dad had like zero expectations and I still somehow disappointed him
Chishiya: You and me both.
Niragi: and u want me to do this shit again
Chishiya: Just once more. They don't expect me to bring you around all that much, and in a few months I can just tell them we split.
Niragi: ugh
Chishiya: You can't say this isn't amusing.
Niragi: I'm having my regrets
Chishiya: Mmm.
Niragi: listen I thought my mom was concerning when she talks Korean randomly
Niragi: didn't appreciate ur mom just deciding to have an entire convo with you in a whole different language
Chishiya: Your mother is Korean?
Niragi: not important
Chishiya: I disagree.
Niragi: too bad
Niragi: what was that
Chishiya: She was judging you. Not even my input can take away from the way you dress and present yourself. It doesn't help you don't come from money
Niragi: god forbid I'm not a nepobaby
Chishiya: They don't quite approve of you, but I'm being firm about this.
Niragi: how is it you have a back born for everyone but your freaky parents
Chishiya: I don't know.
Chishiya: I'm sure your behavior would differ between strangers and friends and your family.
Chishiya: Even if you don't like them.
Niragi: wrong! my mother loves me and my behavior
Chishiya: I don't believe you.
Niragi: oh, but i did get this
Niragi has sent a photo to the chat room
Chishiya: …
Niragi: why didn't you tell me you were a natural blonde
Chishiya: When did you even have time to take those?
Niragi: why would i ever tell you when it's so much funnier not to
Chishiya: Delete that.
Niragi: Absolutely not.
Chishiya: Why is it you only remember what a capital letter is when you're being difficult? Regardless. I was right, my father does want to personally choose a suit for the both of us. Apparently matching attire will really sell this whole thing to the sponsors.
Chishiya: And makes him feel better about the fact I insist on bringing you.
Niragi: no????
Chishiya: I sincerely wish this was an option. Publicly matching with you of all people is more of a hit to my dignity than anything else.
Niragi: ur priorities are so out of wack idk if anything can help you
Chishiya: My priorities are perfectly in order. However, this does mean that you'll be coming with me to a suit fitting.
Niragi: I did not sign up to spend this much time with you
Niragi: i don't fuckin like you
Chishiya: The feeling is very mutual.
Niragi: fuck you
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Private message between Chishiya and Kuina
Kuina: brooo
Kuina: shopping trip without me?
Chishiya: What in the world are you talking about?
Kuina: i can see ur location
Chishiya: I'm suit shopping. It's very boring.
Kuina: it'd be less boring if I was there to annoy you
Chishiya: I'm sure. I would rather not expose you to my father, though
Chishiya: I haven't forgotten your offer, I simply like not subjecting myself to that chaos unnecessarily.
Kuina: (눈‸눈)
Chishiya: I'm sure.
Chishiya: I appreciate your input, but I assure you I'm fine.
Kuina: Ik
Kuina: ur just so busy lately and I miss hanging w/ you
Chishiya: Have I informed you that you're quite clingy?
Chishiya: But I will hang out with you when I'm free.
Kuina: >:D
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Private message between Kuina and Niragi
Kuina: look, I know you have Chishiya's address
Kuina: he wants you
Niragi: tf??
Kuina: you know how he is with work rite?
Niragi: you mean how he works his himself to the point he's physically exhausted and unable to do anything but lay there ?
Kuina: that's it
Niragi: so hes down for the count as per usual
Kuina: bingo
Niragi: so why is this my problem
Niragi: this is like a monthly tradition for him to collapse in his apartment and if ignore us all for a while
Kuina: yeah but he's super sick
Niragi: when isn't he
Kuina: look asshole, you can put up your tough man front all you want but if you two think we can't see how much you care about each other, you're either really obvious or think we're dumb.
Kuina: and at this point I'm starting to think it's both
Kuina: but no, this prideful jackass tried to work through exhaustion and sickness and now he's got a 39.4° fever. And he's hella delirious
Niragi: goddamn it
Kuina: exactly!
Niragi: but ur taking care of him right now?
Kuina: yeah, he wasn't responding and he gave me a spare to his place. He was just collapsed on the couch when I got here
Niragi: why is he physically incapable of going tf to bed and eating a normal meal?
Kuina: because he's Chishiya
Niragi: mf
Kuina: but he's whining for you and he's being stubborn.
Kuina: so be a good boyfriend and come help him
Niragi: how many times do I have to say that he's not my fuckin boyfriend?
Kuina: which is why he's on the brink of delirium asking for 'Suguru'
Niragi: UGH
Niragi: I've got another 2 hours on my shift
Niragi: so tell him to hold tf on
Kuina: why do I have to deal with sick emotional Shiya.
Niragi: I'll be there in literally 3 hours calm ur tits woman
Kuina: you don't have a feverish stubborn man trying to crush you to get at your phone.
Niragi: has he eaten yet? he gets tired after a meal and getting something into his will make him more agreeable
Kuina: the only thing he has in his house is like 4 vegetables, eggs, and a shit ton of ramen.
Niragi: and his 4 pound bag of rice. He likes tomatoes and eggs, which I'm pretty sure you can turn into soup. Or just add rice.
Kuina: mhm, do I want to know how you know him so well
Niragi: you already have your suspicions, so cope.
Niragi: Do you want me to help you or do you want to deal with Taro yourself
Kuina: fine!
Kuina: but if you hurt my best friend I will beat your ass
Niragi: whatever.
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Private message between Chishiya and Niragi
Chishiya: hurt up
Niragi: oh no, your perfectly written text messages
Niragi: if I didn't know you were out of to before, I sure know now.
Chishiya: hm lonely.
Niragi: your best friend is sitting 5 feed away from you
Chishiya: but I wan t you
Niragi: Ugh
Chishiya: kuina mad sup wrong
Chishiya: urs is better
Niragi: my my, never thought I'd see the day you were nice to me
Chishiya: m always nice
Chishiya: nicest man akive
Niragi: Ik taro
Chishiya: :)
Niragi: do me a solid and never use emoticons again
Chishiya: you're mean and a bulky
Niragi: look, I'm not going to get there any faster by texted you
Chishiya: call?
Niragi: because I'm so kind and generous
Niragi: sure
Chishiya: non of that was teue
Niragi: …
Chishiya: fine asshole jus call me now
[Call started]
[Call ended– 54 minutes]
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Private message between Kuina and Niragi
Kuina: thanks for taking care of Chishiya again
Niragi: yeah yeah you freaks owe me
Kuina: like you're not revealing in the excuse to cozy up to him
Niragi: mm, yes, a clingy, even more bitch taro coughing all over me.
Niragi: exactly what I want in life.
Kuina: seriously asshole.
Kuina: I'm glad you two like each other now.
Kuina: you're really good for each other
Kuina: I look forward to the wedding
Niragi': I'm going to ignore those messages
Niragi: Chishiya is throwing a fit over fuckin steamed eggs which is more important
Kuina: what happened to taro (◔‿◔)?
This user is no longer able to receive messages
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Private message between Chishiya and Niragi
Niragi: I know you're literally sleep next to me and won't see it.
Niragi: but at some point we'll need to explain this. Your best friend is gettin fuckin pushy and has come to some incorrect ideas
Niragi: so whenever you're not burning up and whining about eggs
Niragi: defo do something about that.