Chapter Text
Manila, Philippines, May 2025
“Safe travels, Cardinal. Please give our warmest regards to Cardinal Tagle.”
“Of course. Mag ingat kayo sa drive pabalik*.”
With a last blessing, Cardinal David fixed his backpack, and tested the trolley. He then showed his passport to the guard at the airport entrance. As he was preparing to go in, some media personnel spotted him, and began rushing forward to ask questions. The security guard instinctively tensed up, and was ready to shield him away, but Cardinal David raised a hand, indicating to let the press ask him questions.
“Cardinal David, are you going to Rome already for the conclave?”
“How are you holding up, Cardinal, on the news of Pope Francis’ passing?”
“What can you say about Cardinal Tagle being one of the front running names for the next pope?”
Cardinal David smiled, and the last question indeed piqued his interest. Oh if only these people knew how choosing the next pope truly happens.
“We should pray for the eternal repose of the soul of our dear Pope, he has been a beacon of hope, positive change, and kindness the world has been following for a long time. The process of choosing the next pope is a spiritual journey, not only for me, but for all of us cardinals participating in the conclave. I ask that you also pray for us clergymen to be discerning, and for the Holy Spirit to lead us into the next shepherd of the church.”
***
Vatican City, May 2025,
One Day Before the Conclave
The warm sun of Rome looks nice today, Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle thinks. Luis to Cardinal David, Antonio to Cardinal Advincula, little boy to most of the other cardinals of the Roman Curia, and also, to the late Holy Father.
He suddenly feels another wave of sadness covering him, it feels like a grey downcast after all that warm sunshine. He then dugs into the pockets of his cassock, and pulls out a caramel candy. Carefully, he unwraps it, and pops the candy into his mouth. The sweetness tries it best to overpower the sadness that has latched onto him upon remembering the late Holy Father.
With a silent glance to the photo of the last Supreme Pontiff on the wall of his office, Cardinal Tagle bows his head in silent prayer for the eternal rest of Pope Francis.
He also prays that finally, upon years and years of hardwork, and being inside the world's largest gilded cage, for the eternal peace and happiness, one Jorge Bergoglio now has, albeit depressingly, only at the time of his death.
A walk outside might do him some good.
***
“Luis.”
“Ambo. Kamusta flight? Nakatulog ka naman ba*?”
“Ay, pagkatapos nalang nung lay over sa Dubai. Buti nalang hindi din ganon katagal layover, wala akong masyadong perang pang Duty Free*.”
“Ay nako, sino naman din pagbibigyan mo ng Duty Free dito*?”
“Ikaw, syempre! Mahilig ka sa candy diba*?”
Luis laughs and embraces his long time friend, and fellow cardinal, Cardinal Pablo Virgilio “Ambo” David. They then took seats, and Luis began serving tea to Ambo.
“ May balita ka Ambo kelan dating ng flight ni Cardinal Advincula*?”
“Baka bukas ng umaga dating nya dito sa Roma, base sa narinig ko. Buti marunong ka pa magsalita ng Filipino, Luis. Nagiisip nga ako habang nasa biyahe papunta dito kung kailangan ko na din ba mag-in depth na pag-aaral ng Italiano*!”
Luis tries to hide his laugh behind the teacup. “ Ikaw talaga*! I am still the same old Tagle you knew before the Roman Curia adopted me.”
“Again, congratulations on your appointment, Cardinal. I wasn't able to congratulate you well the first time around.”
“Oh thank you. We'll see if I'll still be able to keep this job. Pero honestly, I do miss the Philippines na, Ambo*.”
Ambo smiles and drinks his tea. “The Philippines also misses you, Cardinal Tagle. Yes. We'll see if the next Pope will now allow you to go home.”
***
The remaining cardinals participating for the conclave arrived at the Vatican steadily, like water flowing in the stream. Cardinal Tagle watches, and greets the familiar faces. Cardinal David was by his side awhile ago, but soon lost interest in pleasantries, and has wandered off somewhere, probably to have a nice chat with the other cardinals, rather than being stuck with him. He doesn't mind. He and Ambo have been talking since yesterday, as soon as he arrived. He then saw the familiar gait of the archbishop of Manila, Cardinal Jose Advincula.
“Buongiorno, Eminence Cardinal.” Luis bows and tries to get a mano* from Cardinal Advincula, but the other man swatted his hand away, and tried to hit him in the head. Cardinal Advincula was smiling. “Ikaw! Ilang buwan ka lang nawala sa ‘Pinas tinuturing mo na akong lolo! Eh isa ka naman din dyang senior citizen!*”
Luis laughs and results in just kissing Cardinal Advincula’s ring. He then smiles at the older man. “Have it just been a few months? I feel like it was longer.”
The older cardinal turns solemn, and lowers his voice. “Is the Roman Curia treating you well, Antonio?”
“Yes. I am very much happy working here. There’s always a new thing to learn every now and then.”
“But?”
“What?”
“I hint a sense of but in your sentence, eminenza. Kamusta ka ba talaga, Antonio*?”
Luis looks onward. He notices the other cardinals talking, mostly in groups. Those with the same language tend to flock together. He tries to find Cardinal David, but the man is nowhere to be seen. He sighs, any hope of trying to escape the conversation with Cardinal Advincula now disappeared into thin air. “I just miss being in the Philippines, Cardinal. Rome is nothing but short of beautiful, I am still in awe of seeing the art and the sculptures the city has to offer everyday, but I cannot help thinking that nothing compares to being at home. I miss cooking, doing homilies like a normal everyday priest, hearing confessions, speaking in Filipino, oh speaking in Spanish and Latin could get quite tiring, and I miss my family. I know I am called for something greater, but you know, I am just human, who apparently gets homesick every now and then. And as much as everyone would like to paint out, I am still getting old each passing day. A retirement would be nice.”
At the last statement, Cardinal Advincula turns to him, shock emanating in his features. “Retirement? Are you serious?”
“It’s just a passing thought every now and then, Cardinal. I will continue praying and meditating over this.”
A silence fell on the hall, as another cardinal walked in. Luis cranes his head to see who arrived and see what is so novel about the newcomer that it rendered an entire room quiet. When he saw the face, it all came crashing down.
Robert Francis Prevost. Few months ago, he was just a cardinal. A year ago, he was just a bishop. The late Pope Francis sped run his promotion in a series of moves when he started feeling the sickness emanating inside him. Few months after being a bishop he was then named as head of the office for bishops, the one responsible for vetting candidates before becoming bishops. In the same year, he was then elevated into being a cardinal, the fastest rising in the ranks Luis has seen since his stay as head of the Dicastery for Evangelization. When the late Holy Father started to display physical manifestations of sickness, he then promoted Prevost to the highest order of cardinals, making him one of the thirteen cardinal bishops in the entirety of the College of Cardinals.
His fast track promotion may come as a surprise to many Roman Curia members, but for Luis, who served as one of the very few people who hears the late Holy Father’s innermost thoughts, it's not surprising as the man shared the same values as Francis. The late Holy Father also treated Prevost as somewhat of a protege, someone groomed and handpicked to represent the same principles and values he held, even when his papacy was about to end. Now, Luis tries not to think if everything the late Holy Father did was some elaborate game of chess, but the allusion enters his mind nonetheless. Navigating the politics of the Vatican is one thing, in the years Luis has been part of the Roman Curia, he is no stranger to such things, and he can understand why Francis would want to secure his legacy.
He heard Ambo say in passing during their long talk the night before: the papacy is a huge burden, especially on an older man. He really cannot blame Francis if he wants to play his cards straight. Now, the buzz and noise of the press is also nothing new during these events. This will be Luis’ second conclave. Ambo shared an anecdote to him about the Philippine press saying his name was one of the front runners for the papacy. Ridiculous! He despises being in the spotlight, Ambo knows that, since their days in Ateneo, they developed a system that works for them: Ambo is the more outspoken one, so he is the one who takes and makes the statements, while Luis observes and tries to support from the sidelines. If there is someone who might fit the bill, it should be Ambo. Luis refrains from reading the news too much, but sometimes, he just cannot help himself. Part of his ritual in trying to manage his homesickness for the Philippines is to read news from the Philippine press, and of course, he will later learn that indulging in this comes at a price: because he now knows that the press is speculating about who will be the next pope. That’s normal. Everyone has opinions or predictions on who will the keys of Saint Peter be handed to. But more than that, he now knows that he and Ambo are considered as front runner candidates for the papacy.
It’s one thing to assume he has the capability, he would not even go into the specifics of why Ambo was now also a name thrown in the papabile . The conclave is not a competition, nor an election. It is its own thing entirely.
Robert soon finds his eyes, and when he starts to walk towards him and Cardinal Advincula, Luis is forced to halt his thoughts. Cardinal Advincula, seeing something that is enough to get his whole attention, leaves him to face the newest member of the College of Cardinals alone. Robert smiles, but without teeth. Luis puts on his most genuine smile, the one that makes his eyes crinkle, as Francis used to remark.
“Luis.”
Robert eagerly reaches for his hands. Luis returns the gesture, and clasps Robert’s hands on his own. His name, spoken in Robert’s soft baritone, with the hints of his Chicago roots, but now has a more Peruvian lilt to it, makes him feel a bit funny. He tries to push the thoughts aside for now. This is no time to reminisce.
“Robert. Good to see you are well.”
The hold in Luis’ hands tightens. Robert’s voice drops to almost a whisper. “I am kind of terrified actually.”
“Oh? What ails you, my dear Robert?”
“This is my first conclave. I have no idea what would be happening, although I did read and do some research on how these work. It has been very enlightening and fruitful.”
“You already did your homework, Robert. That’s enough.”
“Still, I am quite nervous.” Robert laughs self-deprecatingly.
“Good thing I am here, no? I can walk you through the steps. We’ll do this together.”
Robert lets go of Luis’ hands. Luis tries not to dwell on the loss of contact. “Of course. You are always leading and teaching me things. I am really glad you’re still here, Luis.”
Luis’ smile doesn’t waver. Something in his chest constricts at Robert’s words. “Where else would I be, Robert?”
***
Manila, Philippines, March 2013
The heat starts to creep up to him. Robert picks up his handkerchief, deep within the pockets of his white Augustinian robes, and wipes the sweat beading at his forehead. He again glances around the church courtyard, and sees people milling around.
The San Sebastian Church, located inside the walled city of Intramuros, in Manila, the capital of the Philippines, stands in all its glory despite the years. He is impressed and reminded by the strong foundations the Catholic Church has on this country that managed to stand the test of time. Some may then argue that the Philippines became one of the strongest Catholic countries in Southeast Asia due to colonization, a price paid in embracing the faith was losing the indigenous traits of the land. Robert knows and tries to understand that sometimes, embracing the faith is a double edged sword, and at the end of the day, the people practicing it are just mortal men. God itself might be perfect, but those who practice and serve in the name of the faith are not. He tries to fight a smile at the thought he had: if all of them are perfect, then what religion is for?
A lull falls on the crowd of people around him. He tries to find the reason and immediately sees it in the form of another priest. His mind instantly corrects him as the garments the man wears is not just that of a priest: but of a cardinal. He has short cropped, jet black hair, atop is the red zucchetto of being a cardinal. The man carries himself with quiet grace, but despite that, people seem to be drawn to him, as they begin to converge on where he is, getting blessings, and talking to him. What next caught Robert’s gaze is the man’s eyes, small, slit, very different from the full and round eyes of every Filipino he has met since arriving in the Philippines. The man laughed at something a person said by his side said, and the action made his eyes smaller. He also has a very radiant aura, and a kind demeanor, a strange contrast to Robert’s strong features. And lastly, the man is always smiling, or is never a stranger to smiling, as his cheeks and the lines beside his lips show wrinkles not brought upon by age, but by constant smiling.
Robert tries to break free from his internal monologue on how different and beautiful the man can be, but the moment was cut off because soon enough, the man’s eyes landed on his, and his smiles are now in his direction. Robert tries to fight a blush reddening his cheeks, it must be the heat.
The man reaches where Robert is, and the people around them suddenly become meaningless. He speaks in a calm, comforting manner, in smooth English. “Good morning, you might be the Prior General of the Augustinian Order, am I right?”
“Yes, Eminence. I am Robert Francis Prevost.”
“Sharp eyes, I see.” The man laughs, Robert cannot help but smile also.
“The red zucchetto is hard to miss, I am afraid.”
“Father Prevost, correct me if I am wrong?”
“Yes.”
“Welcome to the Philippines, and to Manila, Father Prevost. I am Luis Antonio Tagle, the current archbishop of the Archdiocese of Manila. Let me show you around?”
The smile is back again, and it calms something inside Robert, that he knows somewhere deep within him that whatever this man may ask, he will do it, considering it is within his power.
“Of course. I am at your service.”
***
He was then led into the rooms behind the altar, and when he received the request, he had no heart to say no.
He knows that it is part of his duties as a visiting priest for the Augustinian order to be able to hold mass at will, but of course, the request also didn’t come lightly, in his opinion.
He watches, transfixed, as Cardinal Tagle was dressed, the white veil of the mass vestments almost making him look ethereal. He was so focused that the voice of the altar boy was lost on him, and when the boy only spoke a bit louder he was able to get back on his bearings.
“Thank you”, he breathed out, when he was finished dressing.
“Please leave us a moment”, Cardinal Tagle said, smiling in place. The people bowed, and they were left alone. Robert begins to count the ways he could screw up this conversation with the cardinal.
“Thank you for agreeing to say this Mass with us.” Cardinal Tagle again smiles, and it takes a lot of Robert’s willpower to pull an answer out of his brain. What is with this smiling cardinal that gets him all tongue tied all of a sudden? He was better than this!
“I was not really expecting that you would be the one to ask me a few minutes ago. I thought you would just send someone to pass on the order, as the opportunity passed already. The people want to see you and talk to you more, I understand.”
“Oh it's no trouble at all. I want to pass the sentiment personally, as I am very glad that you are able to join us here today. I wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to share one of God’s greatest acts of love for the people with you, Prior General. I have heard a lot about you. Forgive me for being presumptuous.”
“All good things I hope,” Robert smiles at the ground, and that’s the reason that he missed the look Cardinal Tagle gave him that moment.
It was a mixture of fondness, and grace. And a little bit of something else.
***
The mass was a success, and everything went smoothly, as it should. Luis joins the crowd in clapping for jubilation, and he turns to his side. He watches as Robert scans the crowd, clapping, a smile in his lips. The man proved to be what his reputation precedes him. The moment he received the news that the Prior General for the Augustinian Order would be visiting the Philippines, Luis couldn’t contain his excitement and made it a mission to meet the man. He wasn’t lying when he told Robert that he had heard of him before his arrival. He did his own research about the Augustinian priest as soon as he was made known of his impending visit. The research was made so that he can think of all the topics to discuss with the man, so that he would feel welcomed and at home. If there is one thing the Filipinos are known for, it’s for their hospitality, and Luis will not be the reason that crown will be dethroned from his race.
He can also admit, on a more personal note, that he was taken with the steady rise of the man in terms of ranks inside the Augustinian order. There are plenty of reasons, Luis thinks, that maybe Robert is just dedicated to his vocation, and is intelligent. From the limited interactions they’ve had so far, he can at least make his own deduction that Robert is indeed intelligent, albeit on the shy side. A fellow introvert, Luis rejoices. It might come as a surprise to many, especially to his fellow countrymen, that Luis is an introvert. Ever since his seminary days, he always tends to keep to himself, and has carried the personality up until his ordination as a cardinal. He appears jolly and sociable, but not as a facade to wear, but because he really does enjoy his work, and at the end of the day, he recharges on his own through reading, and prayer.
Robert’s introversion was more on the silent side. He remembers his good friend, Ambo David, saying one time they were having coffee, that there is another term on the socialization spectrum: ambivert. Ambo quotes that Luis might be an ambivert, someone who can display both introvert and extrovert behaviours. Luis shakes his head at the thought, and says that no matter what everyone says, or perceives him to be, he’s still an introvert at heart. And Robert is very much so. He notices that if no one talks to him, the man prefers to observe his surroundings. He also tends to get shy easily, especially when Luis talks to him. Which perplexes Luis, because he’s just some regular priest, right? The cardinal title might provide some reason for apprehension or fear but, he tries his best to be cheerful, approachable, and does his best in being kind, so that people will look beyond the title, the robes, the uniform, and see him for who he is. A man who just wants to serve.
He then resolves that it might just be Robert still trying to adjust to the Philippine climate and all, and besides, he only just met Luis a few hours ago, it’s not like they are friends already.
Though, some part of Luis hopes they soon will be.
He walks to Robert's side, and ducks his head near the other man's ear, to be able to be heard amidst the crowd, “They will be taking some photos outside, and I am afraid we need to be in those photos. For documentation purposes.”
He steps outside of the man's space, but a hand finds his arm.
“Of course, anything for the documentation team.” He then laughs.
Smiling for the cameras has never been easier.
***
Vatican City, May 2025
First Day of Conclave
The ceremonies for the beginning of the conclave was a long, and some may say, a tedious one. Robert uses the long ceremonies as a way to re-calibrate himself. He is still in shock, and if he listens well to his heart, deeply saddened, by the death of Francis. The man became some sort of a father figure to him, a father when he began his slow, yet decisive rise in the ranks inside the Vatican's Curia. At first he does not understand why Francis wanted him to chair the positions being thrown at him, but now, in the moment of his death, painful as it may seems, he now understands why Francis did what he had to do. He and Francis share the same values and thoughts on certain issues surrounding the Curia, and the vocation of priesthood, so he could understand why the man would want someone who holds the same beliefs to hold high positions in the Curia.
He is currently on the single file, waiting for his turn to recite the prayer, and oath before the conclave. This part of the ceremonies is still being televised, and Robert tries to shake off the feeling of being watched, which comes as a tingling in his neck.
Ahead of him is Cardinal Tagle, head bowed, probably deep in prayer. Robert remembers that he also should probably continue praying, but his mind strayed into the grief he still unpacks. Forgive him, but sometimes, a smaller voice inside his head tells him that he just wants everything to stop, and that the world should just let him grieve, and that one should not be treated as some spectacle on international television.
But he is now a cardinal, speedily promoted by the late Holy Father, and his life of quiet mornings in the Chiclayo countryside are now dreams of a past era. He suddenly feels the slight twinge of missing his flock back in Peru, even if he was already in Rome since last year.
The quiet, yet steady voice of Cardinal Tagle fills the chapel. Robert bows his head in prayer, uses the grief he feels, both for Francis and for his flock, as energy to push through the holy sacrament of electing the new supreme pontiff.
“Amen”. Cardinal Tagle bows slightly, and walks away from the podium. He turns and walks back to his position on the tables. Robert takes a deep breath, and puts his hand on the book, and begins to recite.
Little does he know, Cardinal Tagle watches him, eyes unflinching, as if remembering something.
***
Manila, Philippines, December, 2013
“Cardinal Tagle! How joyous that you are able to make it!”
Luis laughs and embraces his fellow priests, accepting a beso on the cheek every now and then. He then allows the younger priest to guide him by his seat. It was a late afternoon, the sun glinting around the tree leaves. A slight breeze ruffles Luis’ hair. He smiles as he sits down. The round table was empty, sans from another Jesuit priest seated at his right. Luis greets him easily, and the conversation flows, until another man joins their table.
Luis recognizes the sharp features, albeit now, he notes, that his hair, the little he has, had turned grayer. Or it might be the sunlight playing tricks on his eyesight again, Luis admits that his eyesight is not the best out there. He immediately stands up to greet the newcomer. His body follows the sudden automatic reaction of reaching out for the hands of one Robert Francis Prevost.
“Father Prevost. It's very nice to see you again.”
Robert eyes him, something shining in his eyes. It makes him younger. He smiles, jovially. “Cardinal Tagle. How serendipitous. Who would've thought?”
Luis glances around, and makes the brave decision of putting a hand atop Robert's. The intimacy could just be labeled as something normal between men of the cloth. Luis squeezes. Robert’s smile grows wider. “Yes. How generous fate, our God is to us.”
The day passes on like a blur of fresh flowers, music, and food. Luis remembers seeing Robert watching, fascinated at the group of Jesuit priests performing. Luis shares laughter with the group seated at their table, but every now and then, when it was his time to share an anecdote, or a joke, he first glances at Robert to see what his reaction would be like. The man smiles easily, and when he laughs, Luis doesn't know if it's just happenstance, but their eyes always keep meeting, before joining in on the laughter.
As the event draws close, he is surprised to see Robert by his side again, shyly looking around. It was just the two of them at the table now, their other groupmates already left, or conversing with fellow priests around.
“This was a great day, Cardinal.”
“Luis.”
“Hmm?”
Robert looks at him, a small smile at his face. Luis is suddenly hit with a thought of how peaceful, or daresay, beatific , his smile looks like.
“Please call me Luis. I am afraid I have shown you my true colors enough that formalities are not warranted anymore.”
“Well, your true colors are fascinating enough.”
“Oh you jest too much.”
“Still, it's not our nature as men of God to lie eh no? Please, call me Bob.”
“What a predictable nickname.” Luis doesn't know what prompted him to tease, but he was glad to take the step as Robert laughs out loud, a melody he thinks he has never heard before.
“Sorry to ruin your expectations, I am just your everyday, normal, nothing spectacular man.”
“Well, I do think you'll surprise us all, me especially, someday. Chito. Please call me Chito.”
Robert looks at him, and the smile again returns. “I can see why you'll be called that.”
Luis tries to hide his blush, by looking around, appreciating God's gifts.
But his eyes keep on returning Robert, and they just smile and laugh, and keep on talking, until the sun has fully set, garden lights were lit, and they separated with exchanged email addresses, and a promise to write and continue their interesting discussion about theology, and turtles, via email.
***
From: [email protected]
Subject: An Interesting Read (Theology and Turtles)
Dearest Chito:
Still cannot believe you gave away your personal email just like that. What if I use this to sign up for a new streaming service? I heard that was the newest buzz among the younger generations nowadays to pass the time. I think I would definitely need that, as I have been assigned on a newest mission to Chiclayo, Peru. Eons away from where I first started. I admit I am a bit scared of the new found responsibility, but I know upon searching my heart and soul that I belong outside, together with the Lord’s flock, helping, making a change, small steps at a time. You've mentioned to me before I departed from Manila that I am a tad bit restless. Maybe it's the lack of activity, or what you have said: I am destined for something bigger than just being a priest.
I admit that I have no desire to climb the ranks of the vocation. But if it's in the Lord’s will, who am I to say no. I am merely his sheep and he's the shepherd.
Anyway, enough about me, how are you doing? I heard that you are being promoted into cardinal-bishop. My advanced congratulations to you, Chito. I am very proud of you.
Attached is a reading I found regarding Theology on Modern Times, and a recent Time Magazine article I found about turtles native to Peru. Did you know that turtles found in South America are adapted to human interactions? Curious indeed, if you want to find out more, read the article, and let me know what you think.
All the best,
Robert
ps: Is it alright I call you as I have said in the beginning of this email? Sorry. The thought just crossed my mind. I never asked for your permission.
Sent via Gmail Mobile, February 14, 2014
{attached file: Theology on the Rise of Social Media and Its Role on Evangelization. pdf}
{attached file: Link to: Turtles in South America: A National Geographic Publication together with Times Magazine}
***
From: [email protected]
Subject: Manila (I feel pressured)
Dear Robert:
Hello, Robert. I feel elated to hear from you. Congratulations and I wish you well on your new posting. I do hope you will be able to find what you've been looking for (I have full faith that you will perform splendidly, you're destined for greater things, and you have a heart for true service, Robert).
I recently concluded a televised interview with Ms. Bernadette Sembrano, I think it was for a TV Maria show. They asked about my life back in Cavite, when I was still a boy, my life in Ateneo, and pre-seminarian days. They find it interesting how much of a grade conscious I am, but when I admit that I am exhausted from all the studying I did, both in seminary, and until I became cardinal. If you're interested, I can send you the interview clip once they show it. I get shy seeing myself on camera, and at least, with me sharing the interview clip with you, I have someone to laugh about it with.
Life in Manila is always busy. Managing one of the largest archdiocese in the Philippines is no small feat, I have high respect for my predecessors. I feel I have bigger shoes to fill, and there are times I feel inadequate for the job. I continue to pray and meditate on this, for the Lord has reasons why He put me into this position, and that I have to trust in His will. Sometimes though, I wish I have your courage, your free spirit, to move where the Holy Spirit wants you to be. Without reservations, or trepidation. I will pray for your safety always, and also, for this fear of mine to go away.
I have read the theology piece. I have a lot to say, I will be emailing my thoughts about it once I settle in my new office. Thank you for the interesting article about native South American turtles, they are fascinating indeed. Have you already encountered one? How did it go?
You're always in my thoughts, and prayers Robert. Hoping that you are well, and that the Lord may bless you.
Yours truly,
Chito
ps: Of course, Bob. Is it alright I call you the same? After all, you're a very dear friend to me.
Sent from Iphone, May 03, 2014
***
From: [email protected]
Subject: In-Depth Analysis of Theology on the Rise of Social Media and Its Role on Evangelization. pdf
Dear Robert:
Attached is my review on the article you sent me. Forgive me, I think I went off on a tangent in the third paragraph. I do hope I still did deliver on the point I wanted to make.
Thank you for the amazing read!
Yours truly,
Chito
{attached: LATagle_TheologyOnTheRiseOfSocialMedia_paper.pdf}
Sent from Iphone, May 05, 2014
***
From: [email protected]
Subject: Life in Chiclayo (And Other Things)
Dearest Chito:
I am very glad to hear you are doing well, albeit I hope I can offer a shoulder of comfort when you are questioning yourself. I believe you are deserving of that position. Can you fly out here to Peru so I can offer you words of comfort? Could that be arranged? It's been a while since I last saw a familiar face. Just joking. Haha. We're both too busy and have duties that need fulfilling. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy with the new community I am slowly, yet, constantly building here. Life in Chiclayo is simple enough. There are many dishes here that might interest you, as you mentioned in passing that you love cooking, and experimenting with ingredients to create dishes. Peruvian dishes are a mind of its own, delicious, interesting, and curious. Something that would definitely tickle your fancy.
Life here is not always easy. There are many challenges I have to face, problems in the community that might not be a job for a priest, but sometimes, you just have to step in and handle it. When the rainy season comes, flooding is a rampant problem. Wading along floodwaters to reach families and give them relief supplies become a common image, that it's becoming normalized. For me it shouldn't. People deserve a safe environment to live in, despite the hazards they continue to face. I will be trying to lobby for some support from the local government to help in rebuilding the area, a recent typhoon has hit Chiclayo and until now, there are many areas that are flooded. Wading in knee deep waters has become my new way to spend the mornings.
I also began to pick up some words in Spanish. Slowly, I’m familiarizing myself with the language, and learning it. I don’t want them to adjust to a foreigner, learning another language all over again just so I can communicate with them effectively. I have been taking Spanish classes, and reading novels in the same language. It’s been going well, I think. I can speak Spanish on the most basic levels, like excusing myself, apologizing, and saying good morning or good night. I remember it’s like that time I am studying Latin and Italian. I find Latin to be the harder one, even though you seem to make it so easy (I remember that time you speak in fluent Latin, as a jest to the rumors of you getting a Roman Curia position, look who managed to be on the end of the joke this time). Hola Luis, he estado pensando en cómo has estado, qué comida has comido, qué lugares has estado viendo.
Maybe the day will come that I can finally speak a whole paragraph in Spanish, and you will none the wiser, maybe I can finally send codes in emails using Spanish so that it will become a little game of ours.
I’ve received your in-depth analysis on the last article I sent. You truly have a way with words, Luis. Your analysis is insightful, and I have some points I’d like to raise about it. Is it possible to write those to you, via email, but I admit I would very much like to have a speedier response because I have a feeling this is going to be another discussion for the books.
No pressure though. Let me know if you're amenable to such questions. For now, I will end this letter with this note. Praying for you and your work, Luis. I know you'll do great.
Yours truly,
Bob
Sent via Gmail Mobile, May 20, 2014
***
From: [email protected]
Subject: We can migrate our talks to a more suitable platform
Dear Bob,
I think you have some interesting questions for me. I am very much glad to hear that you have been adjusting well at Chiclayo. Perhaps I could give you my personal number, so you can reach me faster. Also, my email inbox is getting full with some letters from either my archdiocese business, or personal ones, from my friends and family back in different organizations, ranging from my classmates at Ateneo, to my local community in Imus, Cavite. And apologies for the speedy reply, I managed to read your email because I was on my desk, browsing through my inbox on my laptop, while waiting for the printer to finish its job.
Here's my number: 0995-xxx-xxxx.
Please reach out as soon as you're able. I am interested to hear more about Chiclayo cuisine (and your questions of course).
You're always in my prayers, Robert. Godspeed.
Yours truly,
Chito
ps: Me temo que últimamente he estado pensando en mi hogar y en mi familia. Además, siempre estoy pensando en ti y en cómo estás.
I know Spanish, Bob. May I recommend you read Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterismo, two novels written by the Philippine National Hero, Jose Rizal, about the rise of the Philippine revolution during the Spanish occupation. The original novels were written in Spanish, I think. Hehe.
Sent from Iphone, May 21, 2014
***
Vatican City, May 2025
First Day of Conclave
The first day of conclave left everyone a bit tired. The voting sessions were long, and when they failed to meet the majority, they immediately proceeded with the next ballot. As they release the smoke, the only indicator to the outside world that no Vicar of Christ is yet chosen by the Holy Spirit, Luis takes a deep breath, and sends another prayer up above, a prayer for the repose of his late father figure Francis, and a prayer that may soon reach a conclusion.
Don't get him wrong, he is grateful for the experience, to be a part of the process that will elect the next pope, but being secluded from the rest of the world is somewhat taxing for him. He does enjoy the company of his fellow cardinals, especially Ambo, who he didn't get to spend much time with considering that most of his work right now is in Rome, he is sometimes envious that Ambo still gets to work with his flock back in Caloocan, while Luis is here in the palaces of Vatican, managing political affairs of the Curia. He tries to pray the envy away, as the position is a blessing and a responsibility bestowed by the late Pope in trust to his capabilities and skills. This is also the Lord’s will for him, and as one of His sheep, Luis has to follow. Also, the presence of one Cardinal Prevost made this conclave a bit more bearable, for Luis. He knows that despite his long years of service in the Curia, there are a few he can truly call as his friends.
“Brothers in Christ, as we again failed to reach a majority vote, we will resume the ballot next morning, after mass. We ask our brother monsignors to unlock the doors.”
Luis stands and gives a solemn bow, together with the other cardinals. In his periphery, he sees Robert taking a deep breath as he stands. The older man soon caught his gaze, and Luis could not look away. Robert smiles timidly, as the heavy sound of the oak doors of the Sistine Chapel opening reverberates around the room. The cardinals began talking in quiet hush tones, as they all continued on a single file walking outside to the waiting coaches.
Luis drops his head in an absent minded prayer, but he feels something tugging the hem of the arm of his cassock. He turns and sees Robert guiltily pulling his hand back, as if a child caught with their hands in the cookie jar.
“Yes?” He whispers, he hopes his voice carries all through the noise of the Sistine. He is again hit with the thought that the cameras will now again get a glimpse of them, as the Vatican News Media team will cover their exit and journey from the Sistine back to Casa Santa Marta.
“Do you have plans when you return to Casa Santa Marta?”
“Not at the moment. I was thinking of meditation and prayer before dinner.”
“Good. Can I meet you at your quarters after we freshen up? Before dinner?”
“Of course, Robert.”
Robert smiles, and bows, then walks away. Luis watches him retreat, and then he feels a hand upon his shoulder. It's Cardinal David.
“I have the strongest urge to talk to you about your answers to the quiz.”
Luis tries to contain his laugh. He fails to notice a pair of eyes watching him and his best friend.
***
As he finishes with the sign of the cross, a knock comes to Luis’ door. He slowly get up, dusted his cassock, and answers the knock. He was expecting Robert on the other side, but was surprised as he was greeted by Cardinal David.
“Ambo. Anong maipaglilingkod ko sa iyo?* Is everything alright?”
“I just want to catch up. Can I come in?”
“Sure, sure.”
He steps sideways and closes the door as Ambo enters. Ambo notices the still burning candle at the bedside table. He faces Luis.
“Were you praying? I apologize for barging in.”
“No, I just finished. How are you, Ambo? I heard that you made a show changing speech before the conclave started. I am not surprised your name was called during voting.”
Ambo snorts. “Someone asked me about my stances considering Duterte was already arrested by the ICC. It comes crashing down to the period we are in the midst of the ‘war on drugs’ during his time. Apparently, some cardinals hold the thought that you were silent on the killings.”
Luis sighs. That news never fails to make him a bit sad, not because of the tarnishing it brings to his name, but because the idea that many people would think that he doesn't care for the welfare of the ordinary Filipino breaks his heart. “You don't need to defend my honor, Ambo. The Lord knows the truth and what is truly in my heart. I appreciate the sentiment, nonetheless.”
“I cannot stand fake news and misinformation, Chito. You know that.”
“Thank you for looking out for me, Ambo.”
Ambo again glances at the candle. “I noticed that you and Cardinal Prevost are on speaking terms lately.”
“We've been good friends since 2013, Ambo. Again, to quote back what you said kanina* , you know that.” He chuckles.
“Luis” Ambo uses the given name of his friend, an indicator that he wants to get a point across. “Is your heart well?”
“Yes. I am finding fulfillment everyday here at work.”
“You're evading the question. I am concerned that the same thing in the past will hurt you again. Ayoko na makita kang ganon ulit, Chito. Ibang iba yung Chito na yon sa Chito na nakilala ko*.”
Luis goes, and blows out the candle. He watches as tendrils of smoke rise from the wick, transfixed. Or maybe he doesn't want to see the emotions in Ambo's eyes. Probably pity.
“It's alright, Ambo. The conclave will soon end, we will have a new pope, and he will go back to his duties, I will go back to mine, and everything will go back to the way it was.”
“What if you get elected? I heard your name as one of the front runners for the papibile.”
“I am here to help elect the pope, not to become the new pope. But again, I cannot dictate what the Holy Spirit desires. It's the Lord’s will after all.”
“What if he gets elected, Luis? What then? He is one of the so-called dark horse candidates for the papacy. And I am inclined to agree, as it seems like the late Holy Father speedrun his promotion.”
Luis faces Ambo, suddenly, his easygoing attitude, and carefree smiles are nowhere to be seen. He looks serious, eons away from the Cardinal Tagle everyone sees. He fiddles with the rosary still in his hands.
“If it's meant to be, then it will be. We'll all cross the bridge when the Holy Spirit makes us.”
***
Manila, Philippines, August 2019
Luis yawns as he reaches for the cup of coffee on his desk. The sunshine basks his room, yet he cannot get rid of the sleepiness. He was up early to say the 6am Mass, and immediately proceeded to his office work after. He was beginning to regret not eating something before diving into his work. A cup of coffee can only work as much.
The room was quiet, the birds chirping can be heard outside. Luis tries to concentrate on his work, and rethinks another cup of coffee when a ping from his phone catches his attention.
Text Message from Bob:
-Good morning (I assume it's morning there, Chito). Another fruitful day, thanks be to God.
Luis’ facade easily morphs into a fond smile. He immediately types a reply.
-How's Chiclayo? How are you doing? I remember, upon looking at my calendar, only a few more weeks before your birthday.
The last one might not be the entire truth, but Luis cannot help himself to bring the thought up. He has been thinking how to let Robert have a special day, even if they're halfway across the globe from each other.
The dots on his message screen began to load, indicating that Robert was typing a message. Luis feels elated, it's been a few months since they both went their separate ways, deep diving into their own work, it's been rare that they have the same downtime enough to have a full on conversation.
-It's been quite tiring, to be honest. But I love being involved in the community. My Spanish is not sub par anymore. Thank you for your book recommendation, by the way, if I forgot to mention it.
*typing*
-I just recently finished joining on a school rebuilding project. A recent typhoon has hit Chiclayo, and as relief became the priority, we started to also begin to rebuild the schools that have been hit by the typhoon. I managed to secure some funding from politicians. Lobbying was an exhausting experience, internally. But some sacrifices must be done for the greater good.
-That's good to hear, Bob. Thanks be to God. I am also glad to hear that you are safe. Is everyone in the community safe also? I do hope that the damages are only minimal.
-I am safe, and also, I am very thankful that there are no casualties, the early warning and preparedness campaigns have been paying off. The damages are quite serious, but we have managed to pool enough funds to do the rebuilding continuously. There are three schools here in Chiclayo that have been hardly hit, and will be needing repairs. I am extending the necessary manpower needed.
-Thanks be to God, indeed. That's good to hear that repair works are commencing, and will be proceeding smoothly as you shared. I do hope you're not over exerting yourself.
-Relax, Chito. I am used to doing heavy lifting. Also, I did mention that they are feeding me here quite heartily if I may add. It would be a shame not to transform all that energy into something productive.
-Yes. I am also very much interested in their cuisine. The photos you sent on your last email of the dishes you managed to try there are interesting and look delicious. Have you tried making one? How did it go?
-I did. But I think the story of how I made it is best “served” by person.
*typing*
-Get it?
“Cardinal Tagle. We need some papers to review with you, this is in regards with Caritas-”
Luis looks up from his phone. He didn't even hear the knock nor his secretary coming in. Was he engrossed in his conversation with Robert?
“Oh. Let me just wrap something up and I'll focus on that, thank you.”
He rapidly types back on his phone, albeit he felt heavy with each tap of a letter on the virtual keyboard.
-Apologies, Bob. I must depart for a while on our conversation. I would love to hear from you, when our schedules do align, sometime. Work calls, I am afraid. You're always in my prayers, Bob.
*typing*
-Of course. Apologies for keeping you from your duties, Cardinal. Haha. Just in jest. Goodnight, or, good morning again, Chito. Please keep in touch.
Luis tries not to feel melancholic. He summons a smile, and faces his secretary.
“So, about the documents-”
***
They weren't able to text much in the passing weeks.
Luis received his promotion, from the Vatican, as the new prefect for the Evangelization of Peoples. It was big news, so much that it entailed press coverage, numerous tv and radio interviews, news articles about him, his life story, journey in the seminary, and his rise up to being a cardinal. And then, another promotion comes rolling in: he was appointed as the apostolic administrator of Manila.
There is also the matter of reshuffling in terms of his work. He has to give up his position as head of Caritas in light of this newfound position. His duties became numerous, and he soon found himself blessing more people, being recognized on the streets, and less time saying Masses on the Manila Cathedral, as more official duties came trickling down from the Vatican.
It was three months since his promotion, that he found himself, at night, after saying his nightly prayers, utterly exhausted, and social battery drained because he finished another tv interviews with ABS-CBN that day, that he found himself scrolling through his phone messages, and tapping onto Robert’s name.
-I got promoted as the new prefect for the Evangelization of the Peoples. Also the new apostolic administrator of Manila.
*typing*
-Sorry. It has been a hectic three months.
He sighs, locks his phone, and starts to prepare his bed. A ping made him stop his ministrations. He resisted the urge to speedily check his phone like a teenager.
Still, when he managed to sit on his bed, he looked at his notifications, and he felt lighter upon seeing a familiar name.
-Congratulations, Chito. You deserve it.
*typing*
-I fully understand, please do not worry. We're both off into our own work, and we are servants of God first. How is the feeling of being the new prefect?
-It was a whirlwind, really. I wasn't expecting it in the first place. Yet I am fully grateful for the trust our Holy Father has given me. I am, though, struggling on something. It's buried within the recesses of my mind, and it resurfaces when I am alone, in the middle of prayer, when I am doing nothing, when my schedule is clear enough.
-What is it, Chito? You know that you can tell me everything, your secrets or fears are between us, and God.
Luis takes a deep breath, and tries to be brave. For something, he doesn't know.
-Can I call?
*typing*
A minute. Or two. Luis feels the ticking of the clock is the only sound in his bedroom.
Calling:
Robert Prevost
Luis slides the green button. He gently puts the phone onto his right ear. He timidly answers, “Hello?”
“Why are you whispering, Chito? Are you in the middle of a mass or something? If yes, then why are you on your phone?”
The hint of amusement on Robert’s voice brings a smile to Luis’ face. Oh how he feels good hearing his friend's voice again.
“Maybe you are the one inside a church right now, Bob. It's sleeping time here in the Philippines.”
“Close enough. I am outside our church. I am just enroute to a birthday celebration. I was invited by the child's mother yesterday, when I received your text.”
“Oh I am sorry to hold you up. Go now, you might miss the cake!”
“It's alright, Chito. The birthday party can wait. It's actually the second birthday party I've been to this week alone.”
“Someone is a favourite.”
Robert laughs. “Nothing can beat the original Mr. Congeniality, I am afraid. If you're the one here, I think you'll be invited to a party or any gathering everyday of the week.”
“You exaggerate much, Bob!” Luis tries to sound scandalized.
Robert’s laughter rivals the choral music of the cathedral, Luis thinks absentmindedly.
“What is bothering you, Chito?” Robert sounds serious, yet concern laces every syllable.
“I feel, inadequate.”
Silence.
“Bob?”
“Sorry, I was waiting for the next part. Or, you know, if you have any follow up. You are much of the talker between the two of us.”
“Bob, you jest too much! I am not that talkative. I am an introvert.”
“Sure, Chito. But, all teasing aside, what makes you think you're inadequate? Do you feel as if you do not deserve the position being given to you now?”
“Yes.”
“Ridiculous.”
Luis raises an eyebrow on the one word answer. “Really, Bob?”
“Yes. I mean, of all the people I know, you're the most dedicated, hardworking, kind, and spiritual person I know. The fact you became a bishop at that age, and then a cardinal, I think it proves enough that you have the skill, the drive, and the holy faith needed by this church, and the Holy Father sees that too.”
Luis feels something warm in his chest. He puts a hand into it. He can feel his heartbeat, steady, going a bit faster somewhat.
“They say that the decisions of the Holy Father are also guided by the Holy Spirit. So, even your assignment, and promotion to these positions, you could say, is the Lord’s will. You've been working hard and excelling for so long, Chito. You'll do great, I believe in you.”
“That’s, Bob-” Something chokes on Luis, that he suddenly finds it hard to say words to reply back to. Robert. But it seems like Robert is on a tangent.
“It's okay to doubt yourself, Chito. We're mortal men. But I do hope that you also understand that these opportunities came to you because you deserve it, and that I am always praying for you, not just for your safety and comfort, but also for your success. I am proud to see you doing what you love, and excelling at it.”
The lump dissolves, and the feeling on Luis’ chest finally morphs into a name: fondness.
“Thank you, Bob. Your kindness means a great deal.”
“You're welcome, Chito. Are you going to bed?”
“Yes. Why?”
“Would you like to pray together? Before you go to sleep?”
Luis smiles, soft, easy. He hopes Robert is also smiling on the other side of the line.
“Of course.”
***
Robert was named the new bishop of Chiclayo, three months after. He texts Luis of the news, and a few hours later, as Robert was already preparing for bed, his phone rings.
“Chito-”
“Bob! Congratulations! I am so proud of you!”
Luis’ ecstatic voice, maybe a bit breathless, Robert wonders if Luis does exercise, but his greeting was enough to constrict his chest, albeit not in a painful way.
Oh how he miss seeing some sunny smiles, and infectious energy. Chiclayo might be his home, but something might be missing?
He shakes his head, and tries to get rid of that stray thought.
“Thank you, Cardinale Tagle.”
“Please, Bishop Prevost-”
They bicker and catch up for a few hours more. And if it resulted in Robert getting a late night's sleep, he doesn't complain.
He and Luis prayed together, at Luis’ request, before ending the call.
“Lord, may you bless, guide, and protect Bishop Robert Prevost. In his new position, may you continue to shine your mercy, your wisdom, your strength. as our new brother faces this newfound responsibility that you have given. May you always keep him safe, happy, and at peace. Amen.”
Robert clutches onto the rosary, tighter.
“Amen.”
***
A year and a half since Robert made Chiclayo his new home, he received the news that he'll soon look back, and call it one of his very few heartbreaks.
Luis was just finishing typing something onto his computer, the sun setting behind the windows of his office, when his phone rings.
Calling:
Robert Prevost
“Hello, Bob. How are you?”
Silence. Heavy breathing. If Luis tries to listen harder, he can hear someone holding back something, what could be it, he has no idea.
“-Chito?”
Robert sounds so, small. Luis stands, worry etches into his forehead.
“Bob, what happened?”
Silence again. A deep breath. Rustle of fabric. He hears a bag zipper being opened, and clothes being put inside said bag. He hears Robert sighs again.
“My mother passed away, Chito.”
***
It's hard, Luis realizes, thinking how to share his sympathies and condolences to Robert, halfway across the globe. Before the call ended, as Robert said he will be flying home for the funeral, Luis tried to be there for his friend, and share his grief. He also asked that if Robert needed someone to talk to, his line is always open, and that he is there for him, always.
He is suddenly hit with nostalgia and starts to miss his parents. He thinks maybe he should visit them sometime on the upcoming weekend.
Robert's mother has been ill for a long time, he recalls his friend sharing to him a few years back, when Robert was still here in the Philippines as a visiting Prior General of the Augustinian Order. The news still came as a shock to Luis, and he has no idea of how Robert’s been taking it, as Luis hopes that his friend's mother would be recovering swiftly.
It seems like the Lord has other plans.
***
Going through the motions of a loved one's death was all done on autopilot for Robert. He and his brothers, together with his father, watched as the casket was lowered into the ground. His eyes focused on some flowers as the dirt began to cover the wood. The words of the priest giving his last blessing was an echo to his ears. He just prays, prays for his mother's eternal repose ,
Sometime later, he began to pray something else, and when his older brother places a hand on his shoulder, he doesn't stop.
He is afraid that if he stops praying, unwelcome thoughts will come for him.
The same night, he sits on his bed, and tries to remember if he did bring his rosary. He packed up his things, booked a flight to Chicago, on autopilot. As if he's just operating on some standard operating procedure, a robot, a shell of a man who's just following preset orders.
“I am here, Bob. Don't be a stranger to reach out if you need a shoulder to cry on.”
He snorts, picks up his phone, and scrolls to his conversation with Luis. He hits the call button.
He feels delirious, and expects that no one will answer him. God knows what time it is back there in Manila, but it seems like God himself might have taken pity on his way of handling grief, that Luis’ soft, melodious voice fills his phone speakers.
“Bob-”
“Hello, Chito. I am sorry for calling you out of the blue-”
“It's alright, Bob. I did say don't hesitate to reach out. Are you in Chicago?”
“Yes.”
A rustle of paper. Pen writing. Luis might be working.
“I-” Luis laughs, albeit it sounds hollow, but maybe, it could just be Robert's grief talking. “Bob. I have no idea what to say.”
“It's okay. Just, stay.”
Another rustling of paper. He can hear a pen being put down on the table.
“Of course.”
“Can you,” Robert swallows. Don't cry . You've made it this far without crying.
“Yes?”
“Do you know the last time I cried?”
Luis was silent on the other line. If the situation wasn't serious, Robert would've laughed at rendering the younger man speechless. But he was also surprised at the words that came out of his mouth.
“-No?” Luis answers back timidly, as if he's afraid of spooking Robert away from their conversation.
“It was during my first three weeks at Chiclayo. Someone played a dirty trick on me. I was relatively new to this place, imagine, also, I still didn't speak their language by then, and someone did this prank on me. Chito, it's just a prank, a dirty, convoluted trick, that I am myself at a loss on why they did it to me, and yet, that one simple thing, it made me so upset, my assistant priest found me in my chambers that night, crying.”
“I didn't even cry when I heard the news about Mom, Chito. I didn't even cry when I told you about it. I didn't even cry when I started packing my stuff. When I booked the ticket. On the flight home. When I arrived at our home. When I saw her. Even at her final rites, I shed no tear, Chito. But when someone played a dirty trick on me over there at Chiclayo, I cried.”
A sob.
Robert feels something inside him breaks.
“What is wrong with me, Chito. Oh, what is wrong with me?”
***
There is nothing else Luis wanted at that moment but to materialize right at Robert's side, and offer him comfort, a warm hand on his hands, or even a tight hug.
He has no words to offer, no wisdom coming to him at that moment, and his heart breaks at being able to do nothing but listen as Robert finally breaks down.
He listens, and suddenly, he is weeping too, the papers on his desk are being marked with tear stains, as he shared the grief of his dear friend.
And when Robert finally calms down enough to small sobs, with a choked voice, Luis sings to him. An old song he remembers to have recorded for the Jesuit Music Ministry.
Isugo mo kahit saan
Hamakin man ako't saktan
Dalangin ko'y maging tapat
Pag-ibig mo ay sasapat
Sanlibo man aking buhay
Sanlibo ring iaalay
Sanlibo kong kamatayan
Sa palad mo ilalaan
He continued to hum, when the song ended, until he heard soft snores on the other line.
***
The digital clock strikes midnight. Luis rubs his temples, and lets out a yawn. He stretches his aching back, and is reminded of his aging body when he hears some bones cracking.
*ring*
“Hello.” A yawn escapes his mouth, making the greeting sound longer than what should be.
“You work too hard, Chito. Get some rest.”
Luis could recognize the soft baritone anywhere. He wonders why. “To what do I owe the pleasure, Bob?”
“Can't just be a regular social call. It's been three weeks since we last talked. How are you, Chito?”
“Oh it's always the same old work, Bob. Nothing special as what you've been doing over there. I think you finally made a name for yourself. The people of Chiclayo love you.”
“Please, that's ridiculous. I am just an old man doing charity and missionary work. What's so special and lovable about that?”
Luis spins his pen on his fingers, a habit he learned from Ambo back in seminary, when a thought slowly comes to him, so slow, it's like a gentle wind blowing to his face while being near the sea.
What's so special and lovable about that?
Easy smiles. Easy conversations.
Intellectual discussions. Text chains ranging from the most philosophical theology piece, to what is the best Mexican telenovela.
Luis stops spinning his pen. He sits straight on his chair.
Thoughts begin warring inside his head. He needs to let them out, lest he becomes insane.
Does Robert need to know? Does he deserve this penance?
What's so special and lovable about that?
“Robert.”
The sudden use of his given name caught Robert's attention. “Yes?”
Luis fights the tears from clouding his voice. Oh why is only realizing this now .
Is this even real?
Oh Lord, is this a test?
“Will you take my confession?”
“What is it, Luis?” Robert's voice goes quiet.
Luis hides a sob. He holds onto his pen, tightly. Like a lifeline.
“I am having doubts. Doubts on myself and my own feelings.”
“What kind of doubts, Chito?”
The nickname use pinches something on Luis. He smiles, self-deprecatingly.
“Back then, you said I am where I am right now, because I deserve it, and I have the heart, and the holy faith needed for the job.”
“Yes.”
“I don't think I am the perfect person you paint me to be.”
“Why would you think that, Chito?”
Deep breaths. Now or never, Luis.
“I have doubts whether I am good enough, because, because-”
Luis stands, his chair making a scraping noise in the quiet office. He can hear Robert’s breaths on the other end.
“-Chito?” Robert gently prods.
“I am having feelings for a friend, feelings of deep fondness, a strong feeling of wanting to take care of them, to keep them safe, content, at peace. I pray for their safety, their healing, their success, everyday. I feel love, I am confused whether these feelings are still platonic because, I keep thinking about them every second of every day. I keep thinking what could they be doing at this moment, what food have they eaten. At the end of the day, before I go to bed, I pray for them, and I pray that they soon reach out, and tell me the things they've done, the food they've eaten, the lessons they've learned.”
Robert feels something heavy. He suddenly finds it hard to speak, but he tries to voice it out, something forces him to. “I don't understand how loving someone could be a sin, when it was one of God's commandments to us? Is this love making you reconsider your vows to Him?”
“No. They even made my relationship to Him stronger.”
“Then Luis, I don't understand, how-”
“Because it's you.”
One sentence.
Yet it was enough to rock not just one, but two worlds at the same moment.
No one speaks for a moment. It felt like hours, Luis sits again, put his head in his other hand, and massaged his forehead. He closes his eyes.
“Chito.”
Luis’ eyes open rapidly.
“Yes?”
“I need, I need some time to meditate on this. You also look like you're in need of rest, maybe you're just tired, or overworked, or stressed, Chito.”
“Bob, listen, I-”
“Please get some rest, Chito. Goodnight.”
The line clicks. It felt like a death sentence.
***
The days felt longer. Weeks passed like some sort of agony. Masses used to be a place of rest and peace for Luis, but even in the middle of him blessing the sacrament, he feels a tinge of hurt, and sadness pulling him under, and he feels unworthy of facing the Blessed Sacrament, as he feels like he'd done a big error that might have cost him a friendship that he treasures greatly.
After mass, he is surprised when Ambo approaches him, and gently asks him, in hushed tones, “You look, unhappy, Chito.”
“Oh, am I?”
“Your eyes look tired. Have you been sleeping well?”
Luis considered telling a lie, but there's so much sinning he could do before he could possibly explode from the bottled up emotions he's been having. It's been three weeks since that night. Robert still hasn't reached out since. It's making him mad. It's making him restless. It's making him sad.
Luis needs to go to confession. What better man for the job than his best friend.
“Ambo. Will you take my confession?”
Ambo looks surprised, but quickly looks around, and when he notices that the crowd has thinned out on the cathedral, he gestures to the series of pews.
“When the church's door closes, I will hear it.”
***
Ambo takes a deep breath, as he watches the kneeling Cardinal Tagle praying ten Hail Marys. He remembers how in the past few weeks, people started to comment about the cardinal looking more tired, less jovial, and his smiles didn't last long. Some of the cathedral workers have remarked, albeit they don't know that one Cardinal Ambo is listening to them, that Cardinal Tagle has been stricter than usual. He smiles less, and is serious when giving instructions or orders.
He looks to the altar ahead. He closes his eyes.
Pray for us, oh Holy Mother of God, that we be made worthy of the promises of Christ.
***
Vatican City, May 2025
Night of the First Day of Conclave
Luis and Ambo walked to the dining hall of Casa Santa Marta in relative silence. Luis is again wearing his smiling, friendly facade. Ambo thinks about how different his friend looked a while ago, when he confronted him about his past with one Cardinal Prevost.
He was serious when he said that he doesn't want to see that kind of Luis again.
Arriving at the dining hall, some cardinals begin to greet each, or both of them. They find themselves in conversations ranging from the usual pleasantries, to their current affairs in their respective posts. Luis, being the man he is, was able to command the attention of their group, talking animatedly, hand gestures and everything. Ambo was more than glad to turn over all the talking to him. He watches, a small smile on his face, partly relieved that what he's seeing right now seems to erase the ghost that came around upon him bringing up the past to his friend.
The group seemed to part slowly, Ambo might exaggerate, but that's definitely what happened, because one Cardinal Prevost made his way to their little group, and positioned himself at his side, watching Luis all the way.
“Cardinal Prevost”. Ambo greets, and he decides he should take the wheel. Robert glances at him, gives him a polite smile. “Cardinal David. How are you?”
“Oh just the usual, homilies left and right, blessings, I admit the tea here in Rome is ten times better as always, but, there is a reason Filipinos love coffee more, even if the weather is scorching hot already.” Ambo laughs, remembering Luis’ innate love for coffee.
“Coffee at Peru also tastes a bit different from the ones I’m used to having at Chicago. Dare I say theirs, over at Peru, has a more natural and aromatic taste, I remember it's because of mixing in with different herbal extracts, and oranges. They use orange pulps up to the peel itself. I managed to bring some when I started working here in Rome. I’d given some to Luis during my earlier tenure here two years ago. Would you also like to try some?”
Is he trying to win me over? Ambo thinks to himself . “Sounds interesting. I would love to, Cardinal.”
“Wonderful. I will bring it tomorrow. Although the stash is getting smaller each day.”
“Oh, you still outsource it from Chiclayo?”
“At first I didn’t want to, as the process itself could get quite tedious and a bit expensive, if you ask me. But some of my local flock insisted, both as a parting and an early birthday gift, they say. As I was leaving Chiclayo, they gave me two huge boxes full of food and other stuff that I love from that place, and most of these have long shelf lives, so they managed to survive the journey from Chiclayo to Rome, thanks be to God. During my first birthday and work anniversary here, they again sent a care package. I was both touched and a bit embarrassed that they are going out of their way to make me feel less homesick.”
Ambo feels a wave of sadness upon remembering how homesick Luis was back then when he first came to Rome when he was promoted to a much higher position within the Roman Curia. He suddenly feels sympathetic at Robert, whose transition was more abrupt, and leaves little space for adjustments. If Luis has years of transition, Robert only has months. Francis really does work when he puts his mind into it. Before Ambo could muster a reply to Robert, Luis seemed to have noticed them, and their little group had dispersed. He smiles upon them both. “Bonding over coffee without me, hmm. I am feeling left out.”
“We are just talking about how Cardinal Prevost here is still loved so much by his flock back there in Peru. Did you know he received a care package filled with Chiclayo goodies last year?” Ambo says, his lips quirked up.
“I did say he is a favourite among his town,” Luis agrees, smiling still in place.
“Was. I am afraid I still don’t know if they’ll allow me to come back there, someday.” Robert muses.
The lack of definitive time frame hit something on the three men. One of them will walk out of the conclave no longer a cardinal.
“Oh, excuse me, Cardinal David, may I borrow the good Cardinal Tagle for a moment?” Robert asks, with a small smile on his face.
Luis tries to mask his surprise with a slow cough, in a different situation, Ambo might have found the situation hilarious, but he is again hit with the mental image of Luis a while ago, when he remembered the past.
But again, they’re all grown men, responsible for their own decisions.
“Feel free, Cardinal”, Ambo gestures to his friend. Luis blushes. Ambo tries not to laugh at his friend’s expense. He walks ahead, finding Cardinal Advincula so he can finally sit down and have a good conversation with the older Filipino. He admits that his English meter is slowly trickling down to negative values as the night goes.
“Cardinal Prevost”, Luis smiles, trying to fix some invisible hole in his sleeve, then faces Robert. “What can I do for you? No need to be formal around Cardinal David, he’s a good fellow, and very much unserious if the situation calls for it, haha.”
“I was wondering if I can invite you for a walk at the Vatican gardens after dinner. I heard there are new inhabitants there?”
“Oh you mean the Vatican turtles. Yes, yes, they have settled quite nicely, the late Holy Father likes them so much.” Luis tries to fight the instant wave of sadness threatening to seep out. “I would love to, Cardinal.”
“Bob.”
“I am sorry?”
“You used to call me Bob. Whatever-”
Robert’s sentence was interrupted with a clinking sound, signalling the start of their dinner. Luis looks apologetic, before leaving to make way to his seat.
Robert tries again to find his footing amidst the sea of reds.
***
“You look nervous, Cardinale? Whatever is ailing you?” Cardinal Advincula remarks after finishing his meal, wiping the corner of his mouth with the table napkin. He then proceeds to drink water after making his statement.
The other cardinals present on the table now turned their attention to Luis. Ambo tries to find the pasta served to them interesting, to prevent him from meeting Luis’ eyes. If only Luis can shoot daggers out of his own-
“Nothing much, Cardinal. Masyado ata kayong naiistress, at kung ano-ano napapansin nyo.”* Luis jokes, trying to use humor to lighten and redirect the scrutiny away from him. He really does think nothing is wrong, but he is trying to catch the attention of one Cardinal Ambo David to help him get out of the situation. He was feeling fine after the conclave, but after that talk with Ambo, he was again reminded of past things (and possibly, regrets) that he’d rather not remember!
“Good evening, cardinals.”
The baritone, Luis, would recognize that voice anywhere. He breathes a sigh of relief and prays thanks to God.
“Cardinal Prevost”, one of the cardinals at their table exclaims, “how are you holding up? This is your first conclave, am I right?”
“Yes. It has been an enlightening experience for me, both mentally and spiritually. Forgive me, I would very much like to talk and continue to bore you all with my perspective about the conclave, but I am here on a mission.” Robert laughs self-deprecatingly. “Cardinal Tagle, if you are done with your dinner, may I borrow you for the remainder of the night before we retire?”
The proclamation was done on the fact that not only Luis can hear what Robert has said. Luis prevents another blush from seeping through. Ambo finally looks up from his food, and is giving him a peculiar look. The older Cardinal Advincula looked interested in the proceedings, but decided not to say anything, Luis is thankful.
“Of course, excuse me gentlemen. I am afraid I am needed elsewhere. Have a good night.”
He stands up, and tries to shrug off the feeling of being watched as he and Robert walked out of the dining halls.
***
The cold night air provides Luis some sort of respite. He pulls the coat tighter around himself. Even years of being here in Rome, Luis cannot shrug off his low cold tolerance. The tropical blood runs deep.
“Are you feeling cold, Luis? Perhaps we should take this inside?”
“Ah no, I am fine, haha. It isn’t much cold anyway, don’t you think? We are nearing the season of Roman summers.”
“Yes, and I wonder who will be the one facing the people outside, those pilgrims, waiting, praying at Saint Peter’s Square.”
They reached the fountain, where most of the turtles are living. Luis bends down, and tries to look for the creatures. He laughs when he sees one climbing out of the fountain, using the base of the statues as an escape route.
“Oh would you look at that! Someone is dying to escape.”
Robert follows Luis’ gaze, he smiles. They both watch as the turtle slowly manages to escape, now trodding the cobblestone path, narrowly missing their shoes. “He finally escaped. Good for him.”
“Oh but that poor creature runs the risk of being walked over.”
“So, are you saying they should stay inside their home? For their own safety?”
“There’s a reason why you don’t see turtles trodding around the Vatican gardens, Robert.”
In a series of fluid motions, Robert kneels down, picks up the turtle, and holds it gently. His bishop ring provides a stark contrast in the dark outline of the turtle. Robert stands, and looks down on his newfound companion. “We need to return you home, where you are safe.”
He then walks the turtle back to its pond, and again kneels, releasing the turtle in the water. The turtle, unaware of what Robert just said, swims away. Robert remains kneeling, transfixed at watching the turtle swim away, Luis at his side, standing. It’s been a minute before the older man speaks up, his voice timid, “What if the turtle wanted to see the outside world, the world beyond the round walls of this fountain? And we sent them back to their prison?”
“A bird trapped inside a gilded cage. But what if that cage is the safest place for them to be?” Luis counters. “What if their purpose, their whole life is dedicated to living inside the fountain, together with their other turtle friends.” Luis smiles, a tinge of sadness coloring the expression.
“Just like being a Pope, isn’t it? Your responsibility is to lead your flock which is billions in numbers, but at the same time, your job and responsibility is dedicated to living inside this city, these walls, these churches, together with your other cardinal friends.” Robert stands up, faces Luis, his face unreadable. “ Chito.”
Oh.
It’s been a while since Luis heard that name said in that voice. He feels his heart twinge, both in pain, and fondness. It’s been so long-
“Chito. I actually want to ask for your forgiveness.”
“What for?” Luis sounds small, as if one wrong tone, he will break the moment, he will once again send Robert running for the hills-
“For that night, for leaving you in the dark, for not, acknowledging what you said to me.”
Luis closes his eyes. It doesn’t really help that Ambo dug out the old wounds earlier, now he is tormented with the emotions, the hurt, the loss, the anger, the guilt he felt all those years back. He lost time, he lost himself, he began asking himself if he was right in continuing his vocation, if he was worthy of the titles being given to him, he began asking if there was something wrong with him.
“I know that saying that takes a lot of courage, a lot of will, and that you are coming from a difficult place. And I did nothing to ease that for you, I just shut down, and left, instead of-”
“What would’ve you done anyway, Bob?” Luis interrupts, he cannot help it, he needs to say it. The nickname sounded bitter, when way back then, it was called out of fondness. “It’s been years, Robert-”
“Bob, please. Please call me Bob. Please tell me at least that you still didn’t throw away the friendship we’ve had, Chito.”
Luis finally turns to the other man. And he was shocked to see tears in the older man’s eyes. They aren’t falling, but they are there. Robert is indeed in anguish.
And if Luis feels all the phantom pain of years ago, he still cannot take it when he sees Robert in pain.
“I admit that even then, I would not have handled the situation as well. Because I admit that at that moment, I was not the best version of myself. I am not well-versed enough, I know nothing, I still hold rigid beliefs, beliefs taught by the institution I worked and studied all my life, Chito, you should understand, trying to navigate my way through all the noise and questions and doubts, it was not easy, but you, it was you Chito who forced me to have courage to face these questions, to try to open myself up to new ideas, new beliefs. It was a long journey, but I can at least say that I am not that man all those years ago. I am sorry Chito, for all of the pain I’ve caused, because of my own ignorance, and struggles in understanding.”
Luis again looks at the rippling water of the fountain. He watches as the turtles keep on swimming, nonchalant in the face of turmoil of emotions inside him.
One of the greatest commandments of God is love.
The other is forgiveness.
Love begets forgiveness.
True love, forgives.
“Oh, Bob, it’s all in the past. We need to focus on the present, especially now we are at a turning point in our church.”
***
Manila, Philippines, March 2020
Ambo’s singing fades from the hearing of Luis, and suddenly, he feels tears threatening to spill over. He immediately brings down the mic from his face, as to avoid any stray sound from being heard in the speakers.
Thankfully, Ambo notices the spilling of emotions, so he closes the song at the right moment, and smiles.
“Isa namang masigabong palakpakan para sa ating Cardinal Tagle!* Bon voyage, Cardinal! May you enjoy and find purpose in your new calling there in Rome.”
He then hugs Luis. Luis hugs him tighter, and buries his head along his best friend's shoulders.The tears keep falling. Oh how you always wear your heart on your sleeve, Luis, he remembers his mother saying to him when he was a boy, and he instantly gets frustrated when he doesn’t understand his lessons on Religion. Oh how long was then, when his problems only consist of lessons and school and not getting enough snacks. Now, his problems are bigger than himself and now he has to face them in a new environment, far away from what he calls home.
He got promoted again into a much higher position within the Roman Curia: he is now the new head of the Dicastery for Evangelization, and he will be working from Rome. He probably should've seen him being uprooted from the Philippines coming, but still, it didn't stop the fact from pulling at his heartstrings altogether.
His flight to Rome will be in the next two days, and Cardinal David, together with all of his staff, organized a despedida party for him. Luis found the gesture very touching, so yes, he has been crying for some time now. Good thing he has Ambo to comfort and assure him that despite him being miles away from home, he's doing it for the Lord and will always be in his prayers.
The party lasted until midnight, and as Luis bids farewell to the people he has worked with for so many years, a ping from his phone catches his attention away, as he climbs up to the car that will bring him back to his home.
“Congratulations, new head of the Dicastery for Evangelization.
I am proud of you. You're always in my prayers.”
Luis glances at the sender.
Robert Prevost.
It's been a year since that fateful night. Since then, Luis never stopped praying, repenting, asking what's wrong with him, a year of silence, and now-
Luis fights the onslaught of emotions, and another wave of tears pricking his eyelids. He rapidly closes the screen, and glances outside, letting the passing city lights blur his view.
He needs to get to Rome, face his new position and responsibilities, in one piece.
***
Vatican City, April 2020
The world braces for the pandemic, the disease slowly making its way on every city, every town, every home. Luis struggles in isolation, as he is not only confined inside, he is confined far away from his family and friends. Thank the Lord at technology that he spends every night talking to his brother, his parents, and Ambo. He also gets occasional calls from his past staff members, and from one Cardinal Advincula, who is still trying to learn the concept of Zoom. As much as technology bridges the gap and eases the pain of isolation, it is also a double edged sword, as it makes Luis even more homesick.
He prays every night, and in one of the many nights he's inside, he lost count of the days, that he texted Robert.
Robert replied, and from there on, he helped Luis bade the homesickness away, one text at a time. Both of them shared the struggle, as same two men trapped in places far away from home, him in Rome, Robert in Chiclayo, but Luis thinks, Robert already calls Chiclayo his home, but still, Robert worries about his family back in Chicago, and for his community, as this wave of sickness makes its way around the globe.
“Luis, have you prayed yet?”
Luis glances at the window, his only vantage of the world outside.
“I lost count how many times I've prayed today, Robert.”
*typing*
“Oh same-”
***
Vatican City, March 2022
A new apostolic administrator of Callao was named by Pope Francis. The College of Cardinals lined up the hall to welcome the appointee. From the documents that passed Luis’ desk, he was not surprised at the name that floated.
He suspects that Francis has some plans for one Robert Prevost. Whatever those plans were, he has no idea, but thinks it cannot be that bad. Francis always put God and the Church above all else. That's what being a Pope is about.
Cardinal Prevost shakes hands and accepts congratulations, upon rising from his kneeling position in front of the Pope. He looks a bit emotional, which is normal. Luis tries to fight the urge to reach out and encloses his hands around Robert's.
He must wait for his turn.
At long last, Robert arrives at his place. He smiles, the same old boyish smile Luis associates with him. Luis raises his hand for a shake, but was mildly surprised when it was enclosed in both of Robert’s hands.
“Cardinal Tagle, it's finally good to see you.”
It's been roughly three years. Luis tries to forgive himself in the span of years that passed. He also tried to forgive Robert in those. He asks the Lord for guidance, and for continued support.
Yet, his heart continues to beat in an unnerving manner, and he still feels the deep fondness he has for the other man after all those years apart.
“Congratulations, Cardinal. May the Lord guide you.”
The Lord indeed guided him. A year later, Luis watches as Pope Francis gently puts the red zucchetto atop Robert's head.
He is now a Cardinal.
Robert rises, and soon enough, he meets his eyes. Luis tries to decipher as to why Robert looks yearning for something.
***
Vatican City, May 2025,
Second Day of Conclave
The last cardinal to cast his ballot has finally took his seat.
Robert takes a deep breath, adjusts his sitting position, and cautions a glance to his side. Luis has his eyes closed, whether on prayer or meditation, or probably catching up on sleep, he is not sure. He fights the urge to reach out, tug at the hem of his cassock, like what he did yesterday, but Luis’ words ring so loudly in his head, it's drowning everything else, even while he is in the midst of the conclave.
“Oh, Bob, it’s all in the past. We need to focus on the present, especially now we are at a turning point in our church.”
Robert knows that Luis is one of the front runners for the papacy. The Asians have their whispers of voting either for him, or Cardinal David. He has no ambitions to take the keys of Saint Peter, but again, who is he, who is anyone else really, inside the Sistine Chapel right now, to say no upon the calling of the Holy Spirit.
He is skeptical of whether Luis truly forgave him, because honestly, what he did was not becoming a good friend and trusted confidante to him. Since the day Luis confessed, he used the distance, the growing responsibilities, and his own prejudices, to put himself away from the situation, to avoid facing his own thoughts, and dare he might say, what his own heart says upon the matter.
Luis called him a week after that day. He watched the ringing of his phone, and let it ring, and ring, until it automatically went to his voicemail. Every night, Luis called, Robert stopped whatever he was doing, as he began his daily war of answering or not answering the phone.
In the end, Luis gave up. Robert cannot blame him.
Some nights he wonders what could’ve happened, if he did pick up the phone, and answered the call.
The ballots have been cast, and the counting began. Luis opens his eyes. Robert opened his pen, but when his name became the most pronounced name after a few minutes, he stopped writing.
Cardinale Prevost
Cardinale Tagle
Cardinale Prevost
Cardinale Parolin
Cardinale Zuppi
Cardinale Prevost
Cardinale Tagle
Cardinale David
Cardinale Tagle
Cardinale Prevost
Cardinale Prevost
Cardinale Prevost
Cardinale Prevost
Cardinale Prevost
Cardinale Prev-
Robert takes a deep breath. He cannot be hyperventilating right now.
Cardinale Tagle
Cardinale Prevost
Cardinale Prevost
He closes his eyes and lowers his head on the table. Lord, please, it cannot be what you will upon-
Cardinale Parolin
Cardinale Prevost
Cardinale Prevost
A tug on the arm of his cassock. Robert's head snaps up, and he is faced with the kind, smiling face of Luis Antonio Tagle. He is holding out a wrapped candy.
“Do you want a caramel candy, Your Eminence?”
Robert smiles. His heart calms its rapid heartbeat. Yet, the sound of his name being called, continues.
“Yes, please. Thank you” he says, a tad breathless.
***
The two-thirds majority has been reached. A deafening round of applause sounds at the Sistine.
Luis stands, and claps, but with his gaze transfixed on the lone man still sitting, head bowed. Luis thinks if Robert is praying, or is still trying to catch his breath. He resisted the urge to reach out and put a hand on the other man's shoulders. He knows nothing of the burden that will now shoulder his dearest, yet-
The head of the College of Cardinals approaches, a monsignor at his heels, carrying the documents that will only need Robert's signature, documents that will cement his ascension.
“Maioris sumus perventum est. Fratres nostri in christo te pontificem summum elegerunt. Recipis?”
Robert's head is still bowed down.
“Cardinale Prevost, fratres nostri in christo te pontificem summum elegerunt. Recipis?”
Robert answers, with his head still bowed down, a small answer, only heard due to the silence that has now enveloped the Sistine.
“Accepto.”
“Quod nomen vis vocari?”
No answer.
Luis’ heart tugs painfully.
“Quod nomen vis vocari?” The Dean of the College of Cardinals repeats, putting an emphasis on each word.
Luis watches, heart and stomach in twisted knots, as Robert raises his head, faces the Dean, eyes earnest, shining, unyielding.
“Leo.”
***
The sound of chatter drowns Luis in. He watches as Cardinal Advincula shares an anecdote that results in a loud laughter from Cardinal David. Other cardinals are also arranged in groups, talking excitedly, and preparing for the soon reveal of the new pope.
The monsignors have cleared the tables, and are beginning to load the ballots in the incinerator, Luis watches, full attention on the proceedings on the sidelines. The incinerator door was shut, and the switch turned on. A whooshing sound can be heard amidst the hubbub of conversations.
The sound of shouting, cheers, and people soon reaches the walls of the Sistine. Some cardinals paused in their talks to listen to the world rejoicing at the news that a new pope has been chosen. Luis listens, when a monsignor quietly approaches him.
“Your Eminence, his Holiness is requesting your presence at the Room of Tears.”
***
Luis thinks of the last ballot he placed, during the vote that elected Robert. He thinks of the probable reason why Robert chose Leo as his papal name. He thinks if he ever did think what his papal name will be.
As the door of the Room of Tears opens, he is greeted with a Robert so very far off from the Cardinal Prevost everyone has been seeing during the two days of the conclave. Standing in the middle of the room is Robert Francis Prevost, his back turned to him, now clad in scarlet robes, and as if in slow motion, Luis watches as the gold threaded chasuble was lowered into Robert’s shoulders.
A white zucchetto was placed atop his graying hair. The final piece. For now.
“Your Holiness, His Eminence Cardinal Tagle.”
Robert slowly turns, and Luis’ breath catches. He feels his heart clench, tightly. It pains his chest, but he resists the urge to touch a hand atop it.
Robert smiles, albeit small, and it doesn't reach his eyes, Luis thinks deliriously. He gives a look at the three other men that have been assisting him.
“Will you please give us a moment? I'll send him up when everything is ready.”
The men bowed, and slowly left the room. As the door shuts, Luis takes another deep breath, appraising the situation in front of him. This is one of the very few moments where he cannot find the words to say, the chatterbox rendered speechless, he remembers Robert fondly calling him-
No, should I be calling him Pope Leo XIV now, Luis thinks.
“Chito.”
The nickname, and the tone it was said, summoned so many emotions. Luis faces the new pope, his new boss, his friend, and dare he might say, his beloved. Robert is trying to hold himself together.
“Your Holiness-”
“Please, do not call me that. Not now, please, when you’re about to hear what I am about to say. Please face me now as Robert, the Robert you forgave, the Robert who still hopes is your friend.”
Luis bows, then faces Robert. “Bob, what is troubling you, tell me. I want to help you.”
“I am scared, Chito.”
“No one walks inside this room ready, Bob. You are not the first one. It’s okay.”
“I am less scared of the responsibilities, I am scared of something else.”
“What is it, Bob?”
Robert turns away, paces the room. He does it for a good two minutes. Luis waits, patiently. Again, he does not know of the struggles his friend is now facing. What does he know of the burden, of the terror Robert is now facing. If waiting for him to get his bearings together, albeit how long it may be, then so be it.
The world is excited to meet its new pope. The world can wait.
Robert finishes his pacing, and walks back to where Luis stands. “Will you take my confession, Luis?”
“Robert-”
“Forgive me, for I am fearing this new position thrown upon me.”
“Again, Robert, no one wants the papacy. No one walks into this room ready, it's alright-”
“I am afraid, not because of some holy fear, Chito. I am afraid of the papacy, of what it entails, because of you.”
Luis was shocked. Does Robert really think-
“Are you thinking I wanted the papacy? Robert I never-”
“No, not in that sense. I am afraid of becoming pope because it might mean that I’ll be losing you, and I do not, no, I cannot live with that reality because, because, after all this time, Chito, I still love you.”
Luis feels like the world is subsequently being thrown off its axis, or it might just be him. Since Robert’s election, Luis has been struggling with some unnamed emotion, fear, apprehension, concern, for him, but now, with the words coming out of the new Holy Father’s mouth, Luis thinks that maybe all his fears still stems on the one selfish part of his self that recognizes the idea that once Robert becomes the pope, he will no longer be his.
“What?”
“I have loved you, Chito, that what was I was feeling all those years ago, when I saw you laughing during that time we met again after my first visit here in the Philippines, when I read every email you send me, when I receive a new message from you, when I hear your voice, telling me about your day, that what was I felt when you told me you have feelings for me, but I was ignorant back then. I tried to pray the feeling away, because how can I love you, someone who’s good, who’s holy, who’s dedicated to the service, to the church, when we’re both men serving God, men that was supposed to belong to the Church and nothing else.”
“What made you change your mind, Bob? What made you accept, this?
“Time can really change a person’s perspective, Chito. All those years I’ve wasted, wasted drowning in my own doubts, and fears, when I could’ve been brave and told you from the start.” Robert smiles, and then, a lone tear falls.
“I never stopped thinking about you, even if I never returned your calls, your messages. I’ve always thought if loving you, Chito, was a test, or a sin. But I wondered also, how come loving you is a sin, Chito? How loving the most kind, dedicated, and steadfast person I know be a sin? How come loving the true rock upon which the church stands upon be a sin? I am never fully free from you, Chito, you never left my mind, you haunted my thoughts, every waking day, and before I closed my eyes to sleep, for more than a decade.”
“Please, Bob-”
“Chito-” Robert’s eyes are wet with unshed tears, Luis urges to reach out, but something still holds him back, his hands are balled into fists at his sides.
“Bob, if you’re doing this to break my heart again, you’re doing a great job at it.”
“Chito, no, I am not doing this to break your heart. I am telling you all these because I need you to know, and so that, you can decide, whether you’ll continue to stay here, by my side, after everything else. After everything I’ve done, after everything you went through. Even if I become pope today, Chito-”
Luis removes his eyeglasses, wipes the tears he was too powerless to stop.
“If loving you was truly a sin, Chito, then I will gladly bear the cross until my last breath, and may God forgive me when I come knocking on the heaven’s door.” The final statement leaves Robert’s lips, and with that, he bows his head, waiting for absolution.
How ironic, that the new pope is begging for forgiveness, from a mere cardinal.
All those years, yet.
Love is one of God’s greatest commandments.
Love begets forgiveness.
Who was he lying? Luis knew that even on the days his heart breaks at every unanswered call or message, that same heart never stopped praying, never stopped loving the man in front of him. Luis should’ve known, the moment he shook hands with the then Prior General of the Augustinian Order, that his whole life, will forever be changed.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
“I am always at your service, Holy Father." Chito places a brave smile for Robert, tears unyielding. "Let me carry the cross with you. If you confess your sin to Him, then let me confess with you. Let Him judge both of us, together." He ducks his head, now that he cannot stop the tears from falling, but again raises so that the older man can see the emotion surging forth in his eyes. "Know this, Robert, before the world sees you and takes you as another person, know that I've never stopped loving you, even on the days you didn't return my calls, even on the days you felt unworthy because of your grief, even on the days I thought you forgot all about me. And I will continue to do so, even if you are no longer mine."
Luis kneels, and softly kisses the hand of the new holy father. Robert chokes on some emotion. He immediately meets Luis on the ground, and hugs him tightly. Luis is enveloped in the smell of incense, and something uniquely Robert. He hugs tighter, trying to memorize the feel of the man he loves on his arms.
"Oh I promise I'll do better this time, Chito. I'll be better, just don't leave me, please don't ever leave, please-"
The desperation was broken off by sobs. Luis' arms around the new pontiff tightens. At that moment, he was still not Leo XIV. He is still Robert Francis Prevost, a man who has loved him for more than a decade.
A ghost of lips fell across Luis' forehead. It doesn't feel like a benediction, but more like a searing promise, of what's yet to come.
Slowly, Robert inches his way closer to Luis, Luis cannot help but be magnetized, he is just that helpless , and before anything else, before they can second think their way out of what is happening, their lips meet, stained with tears, and years of separation fueling the kiss. Both men have no experience in this area, but are willing to take the leap of faith to fully express the depth of love, and emotion the one has for another.
Luis grasps onto the golden chasuble tightly, pouring all those years of heartache for Robert into the kiss. Robert tenderly holds the other man’s head, his hand losing itself on the locks, he first saw those as pure black locks, now streaked with gray, as a reminder of all those years he wasted. He deepens the kiss, hoping that could be enough compensation.
Apparently, they still need to breathe, so they break free, and as Luis opens his eyes, he is reminded of who they are, where they are, and that the world is now waiting for the man in front of him. Gently, he stands, pulling Robert with him.
“The world waits for you.” Luis softly says, the words bouncing off the other man’s lips. Luis smiles. “Kind of rude of me for keeping you all to myself now, eh?”
Robert laughs, finally, a sound that is so long coming. “I am still scared, Chito.”
“It's alright. You’ll figure it out, and you’ll have your own system soon. And besides, I am here. I do hope that’s enough.”
Robert reaches for Luis’ hand, squeezes.
“More than enough.”
***
But I always knew, that in the end, no one is coming to save me, so I just prayed-
“Habemus Papam!”
The crowd erupts. The curtains part, and slowly, Robert takes a breath, and walks to the balcony.
The crowd goes wild. Pope Leo XIV is now born, the new pope for the modern world.
And I keep praying, and praying, and praying-
Robert remembers that after this day, nothing will ever be the same. He is not just Robert Prevost anymore. Leo XIV is now another facet of his life.
He’ll never be able to go back to Chiclayo, again. He fights the tears, swallows the emotions down.
If it’s meant to be, then it will be
Leo XIV waves again, and with a deep breath, addresses the crowd.
Far from the pope, on a separate balcony, the cardinals watch as the new pope gives his first address to the world. Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle watches, smiling in place, thankful to the Lord for the blessing of the new pope.
And so I met him there, and told him I believe.
His heart knows that after today, nothing will be the same.
Oh how will he navigate this newfound relationship with Robert, who doesn’t belong to him anymore.
If it's meant to be, then it will be.
He is now also Leo XIV.
He is not just Robert Francis Prevost. He is of the church and it’s billion devotees too.
I forgive it all as it comes back to me.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.b For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
Corinthians on love.
Love begets forgiveness.
God gave them another chance. Albeit on such challenging circumstances. Maybe, they still have time.
Time to finally make it right.
Tbc.
***