Chapter Text
The day his little brother is born is the first time he ever sees his father smile.
Rei hadn’t known the man could possess such feelings. Rarely does his father ever look at him, but when he does, it’s never like that. Even Rei’s little three-year-old mind can read the difference.
His father’s features are hard and serious. His face is not mean; it’s more similar to stone, unreadable, rarely breached by emotion. Maybe it is because of the power he possesses, the weight of his position, that he carries himself in such a way. Even when his father speaks to him, it feels as if it is through a hundred layers of thick walls, a small window in his attention. His mind is balancing, ruminating on a hundred other things.
But when his father looks upon his little brother, he is fully there. A new warmth enters his eyes, and the grim line of his lips turns upwards.
Rei is in awe of it.
What a wonderful thing, his father’s smile, his pride, his joy. The little bundle, cradled lovingly in his stepmother’s arms must truly be something amazing. To be able to cause such an expression to form on the ever hard exterior of his father’s face.
His brother’s birth is celebrated throughout the main and branch houses. The adults drink sake all day, and the children eat their fill of sweet red beans and rice.
Father announces that he has named the new child Tsugio.
Rei can’t read Chinese characters yet, but his grandmother tells him the name used the characters for “succeed” and “boy”. The boy who will succeed. The boy who will inherit. It all sounds beautiful to him. Like the name of the main character in a storybook.
He hadn’t known names held meanings like that, and Rei is suddenly very excited for when he will finally learn how to read like an adult.
He asks his grandmother what characters his father had chosen for him, but she informs him that his father hadn’t chosen any. She says she can’t remember exactly who had named him, but she does tell him that he had been given his mother’s name, Reika.
Rei wonders later if that was why grandmother calls him Rei - to her, Reika is still her daughter.
To him, Reika is no one. He has never met her, and he supposes if he knew her, he would call her "mother", not her name. But grandmother talks to him more than anyone. She is the one calling his name most of the time, so he's always thought of himself as being “Rei”. Sometimes he even forgets that Reika is his real name.
When he thinks about it, maybe it is a good thing that his father hadn’t named him. It would’ve been disrespectful to ignore a name given to him by his father. Now he doesn’t have to worry about that.
Tsugio’s mother is still recovering. The birth has taken a toll on her body. Father is still gone most of the time, so he hires nurses and summons more shikigami to care for her and the child while he is away. A few people come from the branch houses to check in on them as well.
Rei cannot see shikigami unless they purposely make themselves visible to him, so it is easy for him to tell the difference between the lower gods that serve his father and the members of the Karasuma branch houses. He has long grown used to the sight of floating dishes and phantom sliding doors. Some of them are kind enough to reveal themselves when they see him, but most do not do so unless it is necessary.
Rei and his grandmother also try to do their part to help. On request from Tsugio’s mother, they sing him lullabies and take him out to the courtyard and on strolls around the family compound.
Rei is happy that there is something he can do for his little brother. He's been told that being the big brother means making sacrifices, so he is proud of himself.
He occasionally wanders into Tsuigio’s room to watch the precious gift through the bars of his crib. His little brother sleeps most of the time, but when he is awake, Rei sticks his hand inside and lets Tsugio greedily grab at his fingers. Even at his size, his brother's grip is impressively strong, and sometimes Rei struggles to pull his hand back out.
Another big celebration is held one month after Tsugio's birth. This time even more people come to see the new baby, and they are all dressed in more formal attire. Tsugio himself is wrapped in the cloth of an extravagant red and black kimono as he's carried in a procession to the family shrine. Rei is held back by his grandmother at the torii gate, since he is not allowed to enter their family's sacred grounds like the others.
He feels a little envy and embarrassment as he's pulled out of the line of relatives, but he knows better than to sulk. He obediently turns his back on the ceremony and follows his grandmother back to their room to wait for the event to be over.
Rei does not fully understand why he cannot attend like everyone else, but he decides not to question his grandmother.
Instead he asks her about his own birth celebrations, if people had also celebrated like this when he was born. He tries to picture himself as the star of such a magnificent parade, and feels his chest swell at the thought.
But his grandmother's face twists into anger at his question, and Rei quickly knows that he’s asked something he should not have.
“Of course not!” she scoffs. “Your poor mother gave birth to a child with no spiritual energy! There was no reason for the masters to come!”
The words are something he’s heard a lot in his few years. Sometimes whispered, sometimes directly. Rei isn’t completely sure what it is, “spiritual energy”. All he knows is that he doesn’t have any, and that that is bad.
Grandmother continues to complain, muttering to the room moreso than to Rei now. She throws her hands woefully up in the air.
“My unfortunate daughter, married into a great exorcist house, only to give birth to a powerless son! At least now the stain of her misfortune on this family has been lessened by Aiko-san’s miracle.”
She doesn’t attempt to hide the bitterness from her voice. Grandmother is reserved and courtly around others, but when it is just the two of them, her tone changes.
The Aiko-san she speaks of is Tsugio’s mother, his father’s second wife.
Rei isn’t sure what to think of her. She’s been here for as long as he can remember, but she keeps a distance from him, and he knows she is not his mother. She has never been unkind to him, but Grandmother seems to think she is dangerous. Though, of course, Rei has yet to meet anyone his grandmother has a good opinion of.
“That woman is untouchable now," she warns him with a hiss, "so don’t become a burden for her or her son. You address her with honorifics, speak to her politely. Just try to be useful to this house somehow. Be grateful they’re keeping you around to begin with.”
By the time he is four, Rei thinks he manages to be a little useful.
Tsugio is one year old now and has started to do more than sleep all day. Everyone around the compound boasts about how strong he is and about the powerful exorcist he will become. About how he will bring honor to the Karasuma family. Rei can’t really see it, when he is still so tiny, but he knows that they all must be right, since Father has said the same.
However, at this point Tsugio is still just potential. He is too young to begin his training, not even able to walk yet. The difference between them is not so vast now. Not as vast as it will become.
Rei enjoys spending time with Tsugio, trying to teach him to walk and talk, showing him his toys - though he always shows more interest in his hair, fingers, face (anything he can grab). He remembers getting in trouble for making a mess with grandmother’s calligraphy brush and ink, but when he gets up to the same hijinks with Tsugio, no one seems to mind.
There are no other children in the main house. He has a few cousins in the compound, but they are all older, and have never shown any interest in him, so it’s fun to finally have someone to play with.
Sadly, Rei starts to have less time when his education begins.
One day, a man with shoulder-length, perfectly smooth black hair and dark, placid eyes comes to the courtyard to fetch him. His face makes him look somewhere between an adult and child, but he feels much older. Looking at him, Rei immediately knows that he is not human, and he asks the man if he’s a shikigami.
“No, but I am in service to your house,” he replies, his voice is almost toneless, the tiniest ripples on a pond. “Come with me, Rei. I will be your teacher from today on.”
After that, his tutor comes almost every day to teach him basic numbers and characters. Rei only learns his name, Yutaka, after asking for it, since he is only allowed to call him sensei.
Yutaka’s expression rarely changes, though his face has a calm, cool quality to it. When Rei makes mistakes or doesn’t practice enough, he doesn’t even yell or hit him like grandmother does. His punishments are carried out perfunctorily, like set reactions to his failures.
Rei, of course, tries to do his best. He feels himself learning and growing, but it never seems to be fast enough, not for Yutaka or for his grandmother. Grandmother, unlike Yutaka, does get angry when he receives bad reports. She says that he would normally be conducting his studies on top of spiritual and physical training, and that he has no excuse for poor performance.
To tell the truth though, while Rei hates being spanked or yelled at, he hates it more when his grandmother doesn’t get angry; the times when she just looks far off with sad eyes, without even the energy to be disappointed.
Rei does know how to read a little bit now, like he'd dreamed of before. He pulls Tsugio into his lap and reads him some of the picture books he has. Tsugio is starting to speak too. He can say Rei’s name, and he often uses it as a way to say he wants something. He says “Rei-nii” when he wants the page turned, “Rei-nii” when he wants a toy. “Rei-nii” when he wants to be held. Rei knows it’s wrong, but he thinks it’s kind of cute.
Aiko-san is pregnant again, and soon they will both have another sibling. Rei tries to tell Tsugio about it, but he’s not sure if he understands. Aiko-san has never seemed well after giving birth to Tsugio, so Rei is surprised that she is having another baby already. Grandmother says it is because her womb is too valuable to waste.
Two years pass, and Rei is now six years old. Tsugio is three, and their newest little brother, Fuyuki, is almost two.
Tsugio’s training with Father will start today.
“I stay with Rei-nii,” Tsugio states simply when one of shikigami comes to help him get ready. The way in which he casually refuses makes Rei swallow involuntarily. Rei can’t remember ever speaking to any adult that way, much less a lower god under Father’s employ.
They are in the courtyard by the sacred tree. Fuyuki is down for a nap, snoring on a blanket spread out on the engawa, and Rei is spending time with his brothers before his morning tutoring session.
The shikigami’s eyes instantly fall onto Rei. Now it is his turn to be useful.
“Tsugio. You have to go with them. Father will be here for you soon.” He tries to convince him, hoping that evoking Father’s name will do the trick.
Tsugio’s eyes narrow, like he’s considering his plea, but still doesn't like it.
“Will Rei-nii be there too?”
“No. I have my own lessons. You have to go with Father.” Rei uses Father’s name again, hoping Tsugio will understand that he won’t be able to get out of this. There is a reason the shikigami aren’t all bending to him like they usually do.
Tsuigo nods, looking like he gets it.
“Okay, then I won’t go either.”
But he doesn’t.
Rei lets out a sigh. He turns back to the shikigami for help, but they give him none. He thinks of what his grandmother would do, but knows that will not work. That would only get him in trouble. Tsugio is not like him.
Tsugio ignores the tension in the room like it’s not there, tugging on Rei’s sleeve with a book in his hand.
“Read this.” He orders, then climbs into his lap.
Then Rei thinks of something.
“Tsugio,” he starts, swallowing apprehensively. He’s never spoken harshly to anyone before, but he does his best to sound stern. “If you don’t listen to the servants and go with Father, then I won’t play with you ever again," he threatens. His voice is colder than he means it to be, but the words have already come out before he can change course.
Tsugio stiffens in his lap, and Rei immediately feels guilty. He shouldn’t have said that. He should have encouraged him with a reward instead. Tsugio isn't him. He's meant to be treated with warmth and softness.
Rei can’t see Tsugio’s expression, and he's afraid he might be crying from the way his body quivers.
He doesn’t know what will happen next when his little brother pushes himself out of his lap and finds his footing on the ground.
From behind, Rei sees his tiny little shoulders rise and fall with a big breath, his posture straighter and taller than a three-year-old's should be. In a moment, the quivering subsides, and Tsugio opens his mouth to speak.
“I’ll go.”
He finally says, bravely lifting his chin to the shikigami at the door.
And Rei should feel relieved in his success, should feel proud of the thankful looks he receives, but all he feels is a painful tightening in his chest.
Tsugio turns back to look at him one last time before letting the shikigami usher him away.
For a split second, Rei has the urge to run up and hug him, to pull him back into his lap and read him the story like he'd wanted, or walk beside him and hold his hand. But he quickly pushes down the selfish desires. He has done what was needed of him. He cannot hinder or join his brother on his path. That would not be useful for anybody.
Rei's job here is finished.
It is just him and Fuyuki in the courtyard now. For now, at least. One day Fuyuki will also leave to train. But right now, that day seems far off. He wonders if the twins in Aiko-san’s belly will also train with Father one day.
He hates the jealousy that he feels when he thinks about such things, knowing it's unbecoming of an older brother. He must only think of what he can do for his younger siblings.
But would it be so bad if there were another sibling like him? Another child without spiritual energy. Who wouldn’t leave with Father. Who would stay and endure the stone-faced Yutaka’s tutelage with him. It is a selfish thing to want. It would make Father unhappy. There's not a single person in the world who'd be happy about it other than himself.
“Rei-nii?” A sleepy voice calls out for him. Fuyuki seems to have awoken from his nap.
He rubs his eyes as he sits up on his blanket.
“Tsu-nii?”
He gives Rei a puzzled look, wondering where his other brother has gone. Rei doesn’t know whether or not to try explaining.
Fuyuki talks much less than Tsugio had at his age. He does seem to understand what people say, but he rarely responds. He speaks more with his eyes- his big grey eyes are observant and ever curious. They seem to always be absorbing information and asking questions to the world around them.
Rei thinks of what to say, but before he can come up with an answer, Yutaka silently appears in the courtyard to collect him.
Now it is his turn to leave. He pats his little brother on the head before obediently following Yutaka to begin his studies.
Rei doesn’t see Tsugio for almost a year after that.
In that time, he gains two new brothers, Kaho and Riho. Father had shown his face briefly to name the children, but he had not been there at the birth celebrations. Aiko-san had again become unwell after giving birth, and this time her body is even weaker than before.
“They will have to wait longer now before they put another child in her,” his grandmother had said, shaking her head. “I wish I was in the position to tell those men before. This is what happens if you make a woman pregnant before her body fully recovers.” She had almost sounded sympathetic, which was not common for a woman as hard as his grandmother. Any softness in her expression had evaporated when she looked at Rei though. “Well, she should know. All she needs to do is birth one child like you and they’ll stop.”
The house is busier than ever. The new babies are much fussier than Fuyuki and Tsugio ever were. Rei seems to have a way with them, and the nurses often call on him for help.
Fuyuki still does not talk much, but he can when he needs to. Rei can tell he misses his mother. He worries at first that he might blame the twins for her health, but while he is disinterested in them at first, he slowly grows to accept them.
That morning, they play with them together in the courtyard.
The scene is eerily similar to the scene from a year prior. It is Fuyuki’s last day home before he starts his training.
Father and Tsugio are coming back to get him.
Before their arrival, all family members and servants, besides the twins, who are left in their cribs, line up by the front entrance to greet them.
Everyone kneels and bows their heads when his father and brother come through the doors.
When Rei is allowed to look up, he waves and flashes Tsugio a smile. He has missed his little brother since he’s been gone.
Tsugio does not smile back. His eyes flicker in his direction for a moment before focusing on something else.
This is when the changes in his brother first become apparent. Tsugio is only a year older, but in that space in time he seems to have lost many of his childlike qualities.
After the formal greeting is over, Rei finally gets a chance to talk to him.
“Tsugio,” he smiles at him again. “I’m glad you’re back.”
“Yes,” he replies. Rei had thought he might jump into his arms or hug his waist like he used to, but he supposes he is too big for that now. Tsugio’s voice too, is no longer childlike. It is odd, to hear him speak with perfect grammar and pronunciation. “It’s good to see you, Nii-san.”
Rei is taken aback by the name. Tsugio has never called him that before.
It is his first real taste of it, of the distance that has grown between them.
Rei tries to keep the smile on his face. “We have two new little brothers now. Come on, I’ll take you to them.”
He hadn’t known a year ago that that would be the last time Tsugio would call him Rei-nii. Rei wonders now if the same will happen with Fuyuki. If he will also come back changed.
Fuyuki hasn’t left yet, but already he feels lonely. This time, he is the one who has trouble letting go.
The next morning, Rei wakes up early to see his brothers and Father off.
He holds Fuyuki’s hand as they walk to the front entrance. It is hard to say goodbye, but Father is watching expectantly.
Fuyuki does not cause trouble like Tsugio had, and obediently releases his hand.
“Bye Rei-nii.” He gives him one last look, unreadable grey eyes staring into him before he turns around.
Rei watches the three figures retreat into the distance. He wonders when he will see them again. What they will be like the next time he does.