Chapter Text
1st June.
eun 💐(heejay pope)@nepotismdarling
Just in case you guys forgot, Jay named a guitar after Heeseung. They literally have a child together! They are not divorced!!
3 reply | 75 retweets | 1.1k likes
“They think you’re divorced.”
Heeseung blinks in surprise then looks at Jay beside him who has his eyebrows furrowed together.
They share a glance before Heeseung returns his gaze back to their manager in front of them - face serious.
“Right, divorced… divorced?”
Jay interjects immediately, “They say that about a lot of couples-”
“Ships,” Heeseung corrects him immediately.
Couple is a word used to describe an official relationship between two people, the usage of that word feels sacred somehow, an urban legend for idols like them.
“Yes, ships, pairs, OTP? Do they still use that word?”
“I’m unaware,” their manager explains, gesturing to them with one hand, “About these couple-”
“Ships,” Heeseung says, again.
“Ships stuff,” he rolls his eyes, “but the marketing team says that it would be good for your group. Increase in fans, increase in sales, increase revenue!”
Heeseung and Jay don’t share the same cheer. In fact, Jay looks oddly pale - like he might be sick. Heeseung is a bit hurt that being proposed to pretend being his significant other would make Jay feel this bad. To an extent, Heeseung understands that there will be resistance but to look like you might puke at any given minute makes something ugly and heavy settle in Heeseung’s stomach.
If Jay isn’t going to say anything about it, Heeseung will.
“Respectfully,” Heeseung begins, “Me and Sunoo have been divorced for years. Engenes talk about it all the time.”
Which is odd because he and Sunoo are still close, it's hard not to be when you spend all your time with each other - it’s just that they’re less expressive about their closeness on camera.
Sitting in comfortable silence, showing a funny video to each other every once in a while is more of their love language.
“We thought about it,” the manager says casually. “It was either you two, or you,” he points to Heeseung “- with Sunoo. The long time divorcees finally patching things up?”
He fake gasps then points to Jay, “Or you with Jungwon. Clinging to each other all the time, could it be something more?"
Heeseung smiles politely to stop himself from banging his head in front of everyone here. He doesn't want anyone, Jay especially, to think that he's uncool.
“But ultimately we decided on you two. Yay Heejay!”
“Why?” Jay finally croaks out.
Heeseung throws him a worried glance that Jay pointedly does not return.
“It was a 50-50 between all three, so we called in extra reinforcement to vote and here we are!”
The manager stands up and claps his hands.
“So do what you have to, be a bit flirty,” he puts his palms near his lips like he’s saying something scandalous, “Just remember, no kissing!”
Heeseung feels his right eyebrow twitch in annoyance. The company isn’t asking for permission, it’s an order; they’re simply telling them what they have to do.
He sighs, resigned. He tries to catch Jay’s eyes but he has a feeling that Jay does not want to look at him right now.
Heeseung puts a hand on Jay’s shoulder. Finally, the younger one looks at him - eyes wide, biting his lip in worry and Heeseung can’t help the way his lips melt into a tiny smile.
Jay is adorable in everything he does - even when he gets angry, he gets a bit stompy and pouts - even then he is adorable. And now with so much worry and anxiousness, it feels like looking at a small tired kitten.
“There,” their manager says suddenly, making them jump a bit.
“Just like that,” he points to them, then making a photograph gesture using his thumb and pointer finger with both hands to shape a square frame. “Exactly like that. Do that in front of the camera next time. Not too bold and just the right amount of subtlety.”
Heeseung bites his lips to stop himself from saying things he doesn't mean but Jay’s earnest voice fills the room.
“How about the other members? Do they know?”
The man just shrugs. “That's up to you two. Just make sure word doesn’t get out between you guys.”
Jay turns his wide eyes to Heeseung again, and Heeseung feels a sense of impending doom wash over him.
˚ . ★⋆. ࿐࿔
Jay likes to tuck his hair behind his ear, a cute endearing habit. He does it all the time but he does it a lot especially when he’s nervous or shy.
They're on their way back to the dorms, both silent. Heeseung has counted five hair-behind-ear-tucks from Jay and wonders if Jay ever had long hair for quite some time to develop that habit.
Heeseung racks his brain to try and find something to start a conversation but if he’s being honest, he’s too blindsided by their meeting before to even think straight.
The only thing dividing them right now is the space in the middle between their seats but it’s an uncomfortable kind of quiet that Heeseung fights back the urge to move to the backseats so he can pretend to be asleep.
Sunoo had jokingly mentioned before about how one of his friends ended up being a therapist and Heeseung is seriously considering asking Sunoo about his contact to book a session just so he could sort out his mind.
“Hyung.”
Heeseung turns to Jay immediately, he can’t help it, drawn in like sunflower to the sun.
Misery loves company, Hybe loves overworking their artists and taking advantage of their fans - or however the saying goes.
“Hyung,” Jay repeats, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear.
Six, Heeseung counts.
“What do we do?”
The scar running down the middle of Jay’s bottom lip has re-opened from how much Jay has bit down onto it earlier. Heeseung opens his mouth to respond but catches Jay picking off a dry patch of skin on his lips.
“Jongseong-ah,” Heeseung can’t help but nag a little, instinctively reaching over to pry Jay’s hand away, “Stop that, your lip is bleeding again.”
“Oh,” Jay smiles sheepishly, embarrassed.
Instead of pulling away from Heeseung’s touch, Jay only pulls away a little bit so he can intertwine their fingers together. Heeseung feels his hand frozen stiff but relaxes it by force when Jay gives Heeseung’s hand a squeeze.
Jay licks his lips and Heeseung follows the motion before going back up to his eyes.
Jay has always been clingy, he lets other people cling to him and he clings to others too - like bubblegum, Heeseung thinks. But somehow this act feels a bit intimate after the recent news, as Heeseung dubs it in his head.
“Hyung,” Jay whines this time, lips jutting out a bit in a pout. He squeezes Heeseung’s hand again.
Heeseung can feel the corner of his lips lift up, maybe this will be easier than I thought.
“Don’t worry,” Heeseung reassures him, not even sure what he’s telling Jay to not worry about.
“I don’t know what to do. What do we do?” Jay repeats his worries again.
Heeseung doesn't know either to be honest, but Jay is admitting this to him, sharing his worries, and chose - for one of the few times ever - to be vulnerable with Heeseung.
“Jongseong-ah,” Heeseung swings their intertwined hands a bit, “Don’t worry. We’ll figure this out.”
Jay looks Heeseung in the eye. Heeseung holds the eye contact even when he feels warmth travelling up his neck.
“Hyung, do you really think this is a good idea?”
No, Heeseung wants to reply, this is a horrible idea.
Heeseung wants to joke about being careful of trucks being sent with their huge blaring neon signs but decides against it. That seems like the kind of joke he can probably tell Ni-ki and Jake, but the rest would actually get worried.
He can imagine Sunghoon furrowing his eyebrows, his features contorted in concern, ‘hyung, i think you should talk to somebody’, he’ll say. Silly and serious at the same time.
“Just the right amount of subtlety, remember?” Heeseung reminds Jay, “It’s not like we have to kiss in front of the camera.”
Jay looks away. Heeseung is afraid he had said the wrong thing when he sees Jay’s cheeks turning pink and Heeseung lets out a soft laugh when Jay tucks a strand of hair behind his ear again.
Seven times.
Heeseung looks outside his window, they’re nearing their dorm - home, where five other people are waiting for them.
“Don’t worry,” Heeseung repeats the same mantra. “We’ll figure it out, we always do.”
Jay squeezes his hand in response. Heeseung smiles, how hard can it be?
˚ . ★⋆. ࿐࿔
“This is so fucking hard.” Heeseung groans to himself.
He and Jay had both agreed to write down their plans and ideas then meet up at Jay’s room tomorrow morning to brainstorm together. They’ve decided against telling anyone else at the moment, but it’s something they have to think about again. Keeping such a big secret could backfire at any time.
And maybe the other members could share their ideas too, Heeseung thinks to himself. (Bad idea.)
He thought writing it on his bed would help him feel more relaxed, there has to be a psychological phenomenon where being in bed helps you right?
It feels more ironic given how his notebook is a company gift to them years ago, an ugly grey with the words Belift written in a boring font smacked in the middle of the cover.
He glances back down to his notebook in front of him. He had divided the page into three parts,
Questions.
What do we do?- Who do we tell? (Jungwon,
Jake,Sunghoon, Sunoo,Ni-ki, Heedo?) - How regularly do we have to post each other? Should we post each other?
What is too much?What are you uncomfortable doing?
Ideas.
- Don’t tell Ni-ki and Jake, they talk too much
- Make more eye contact
- SUBTLE!!!
- Hold hands. Sometimes
- Look for fan edits (Maybe have someone filter the videos first, nothing too weird)
- Definitely tell Jungwon - make him filter the edits
Plans?
- Go on dates?
- Post pictures of each other
- Point at #heejay banners during concerts
- Mention Jay in interviews
- Share a room during trips?
(make a post saying jay is the best roommate)the members will find it weird
“Mention the other in interviews…” Heeseung mutters to himself, “Don’t I already do that too much?”
Jungwon had shown everyone a five minute compilation of all the members calling Jay’s name even when Jay wasn't around and he had the epiphany that yeah, they do in fact, do that a lot. But it’s mostly Jungwon.
Heeseung scribbles a note beside that idea.
- Mention Jay in interviews (more than Jungwon does)
“There.” Heeseung gives up and flops down on his pillow.
It’s fine, he tells himself, as long as he puts in enough effort - smile a little bigger, let his hands linger a little longer, stare a few seconds too long - it would work out.
The only reference he has is his crush from high school and even then it wasn’t intense. It wasn't even normal.
It was short and fleeting like taking care of an injured bird - not enough knowledge, lots of trials, mistakes, and knowing right from the start that it won't last. And sometimes they die.
Heeseung's injured bird had died.
There's another thing nagging at the back of his mind, something that Heeseung had spent years tempering down so they never come back. That Heeseung absolutely refuses to acknowledge, even now.
Jay, something tugs at Heeseung’s heart strings, Jay isn't fleeting .
Heeseung reminds himself to ask for Sunoo's friend's number.
˚ . ★⋆. ࿐࿔
Jay clears his throat. Heeseung looks at him expectantly.
They’re sitting across each other in Jay’s room, a plush in each of their laps. For moral support, Jay had said and Heeseung couldn’t help the way his hands itch to touch Jay’s hair, to pat him and tousle his hair in a bout of cuteness aggression.
“Uh, so,” Jay is nervous, Heeseung can tell - three hair tucks, and one hand fisting the poor deer plushie on his lap.
“Feel free to tell me if any of these makes you uncomfortable.”
Heeseung nods.
“First of all. Hold Heeseung hyungs’s hand a bunch of times. Have sleepovers.”
Heeseung waits for more but Jay doesn’t say anything. Heeseung tilts his head to the side so the notepad doesn't obscure his view of Jay anymore.
“Jongseong?”
Jay slowly puts down the notepad. Face flushed and hands a bit shaky. He nods to himself and Heeseung can’t help the giggles escaping him.
“Stop,” Jay says, scowling, “Shut up. This is hard. I’ve never done this.”
“Neither have I!”
“Okay well let’s see yours.”
Heeseung passes Jay his notebook easily, letting the younger one read from it.
“Jungwon doesn’t say my name that much,” Jay says, but his tone suggests otherwise. “And I think Jungwon would send the weirdest edits ever.”
“People like weird things,” Heeseung counters.
“Do you think we should regularly post each other? We’re too busy to even upload a selfie.”
“Cross that out then.”
Jay does it quietly.
“I don’t get the sleepover part,” Heeseung admits, “We’re already housemates.”
Jay lifts his hand up to tuck his hair behind his ear.
Four.
“I was thinking we could,” Jay pauses, “Sleep together.”
Immediately Jay turns into a frenzy. His hands fly all over in front of him, nearly dislocating his plushie from his lap.
“Not- No. Not that way,” Jay’s eyes are wide, panicked, his whole face red - Heeseung feels the corner of his mouth lift up. “Never, I mean. Not never but. Yeah...”
This time Heeseung lets his instinct take over, reaching over to ruffle Jay’s hair.
“I get it. Like a sleepover with friends. Same room. Is that it?”
Jay nods, slumping in relief. He shrugs.
“Night time is usually more intimate, it’s when one is more vulnerable or something. It’s- Do you think it’s a good idea?”
Heeseung thinks about it seriously.
There's this weird fuzzy feeling buzzing his blood anytime Jay asks him for reassurance. Heeseung ignores it.
Jay and Heeseung rarely share a room on trips. Everyone seems to have their assigned partners - Jungwon and Jay, Ni-ki and Jake, Sunghoon with either Sunoo or Heeseung.
Him. Jay. One room. Okay.
One bed? Heeseung feels himself freaking out a bit at that. Jay hasn't said it but wouldn't it be weird to let Jay sleep on the floor?
“Yeah,” Heeseung says casually, even though his mind is stuck on one bed, one bed, one bed.
Jay peers up at Heeseung with his wide sparkly eyes. The sense of impending doom washes over Heeseung again. Damnit.
“You can say no if you don’t want to hyung, I don’t want to impose.”
“You’re not,” Heeseung immediately denies, “I mean it.”
“You can even come over anytime you want.” What the hell am I saying.
Heeseung wants to take it all back, wants to trade his lies for honesty because Jay would understand, right? He always does. But then he sees the giddiness blooming on Jay’s face and his heart restricts in his chest.
“You’re the best Heeseungie hyung.”
Too late.
˚ . ★⋆. ࿐࿔
They manage the sleepover on Tuesday, just two days after the meeting. Heeseung had pushed all thoughts about this marketing strategy to the back of his mind - his head is already muddled with other thoughts: their comeback, their surprise cover, future events.
It was all overwhelming that when Tuesday came around, Heeseung was actually glad to have a distraction in the form of Park Jongseong.
When Jay had dragged his comforter to Heeseung’s room, Sunghoon had looked at them suspiciously. Heeseung wasn’t sure how to dodge the question of ‘what are you guys doing?’ but Jay had given him an impressively aggressive middle finger that started a bickering so out of topic.
“You’re just mad that Heeseung hyung didn’t invite you to our slumber party.”
“Are you 12?” Sunghoon had bristled, like an angry puppy. “Heeseung hyung is probably just being considerate about you being scared of the dark!”
“I am not scared of the dark!”
Jay gawks at him and slams the door in his face. Then he threw a sheepish smile at Heeseung.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, “Your door is fine.”
Heeseung helps Jay tug the comforter - filled with two pillows and three plushies in the middle - near the bed and starts to lift it up when Jay stops him.
“No,” Jay says as he spreads the comforter. “I’ll sleep on the floor.”
“No way.” Heeseung takes one side of the comforter to lug it on his bed but Jay jumps in the middle, weighing it down.
“Hyung” Jay whines, “I love sleeping on the floor.”
“No you don’t.”
“No, I don’t,” Jay agrees, “But I take up so much space when I sleep. What if I push you off the bed?”
“The floor is bad for your body.”
“Just tonight, if I manage to sleep on one side and not ransack your room, we’ll sleep together next time.”
Heeseung thinks about Jay’s body pushing against him again, probably warm and-
“Just this one time,” Heeseung agrees, turning to his bed immediately, heart racing and face red.
He flops head down on his pillow and hears Jay laugh in the background. He closes his ears, praying Jay doesn't see the red climbing up.
“I’m closing the lights.” Jay announces as the room turns dark.
Heeseung lets himself roll over to face the ceiling, grateful that Jay wouldn’t be able to see his face.
Why the hell did his mind even go there?
It’s not like this will be the first time they slept together. Heeseung had thought about stuff like this before (being intimate with someone) but only shallowly, a passing thought and something he quickly banished to the back of his mind.
Heeseung was afraid to unravel his own mind, to find the answers he had put to rest. Afraid of things he could never have, not in this lifetime as an idol. Holding hands on a date, slow dancing in the kitchen, taking a late night walk together - everything people talk about in love songs - forbidden.
And those thoughts were a thing of the past, when they first debuted. When Heeseung’s mind ran 1000 km per second, overthinking and overanalyzing everything - his fans, staff, members.
And Jay, fuck, it’s complicated.
Heeseung feels his stomach twist uncomfortably, Jongseong is right, night time makes people vulnerable. Heeseung is not ready to face the demons he buried years ago. Not now.
Not when he finally feels some sense of normalcy in his life.
Heeseung prays he gets to sleep. And his demons too. He ignores the small disappointment creeping up at the lack of a warm body beside him.
“I’m glad my birthday is over."
Heeseung looks over and down at Jay, his eyebrows raising in question.
Jay looks so tiny swamped in his comforter and surrounded by his plushies - a black cat, a bear and a large avocado. He’s on his stomach, scrolling through his phone.
His screen lights up his face so Heeseung can see the smile on his face.
“You don’t need to overthink it and I have a lot of time to think about yours.” Jay chirps happily, “No offense hyung, but you suck at birthday posts. That’s why you have so many divorce allegations.”
Heeseung turns back to the ceiling and groans.
“I already said it in front of you guys, what’s the hurry in posting it? Actions speak louder than words, isn’t that the saying? Since when does a twitter post speak louder?”
Jay laughs at Heeseung’s lame joke.
“Posting about it before the day ends means you care enough to be on time,” Jay answers truthfully.
“So you’re saying I don’t care enough?” Heeseung teases.
“Ah hyung,” Heeseung can hear the pout in his reply, “I’m just saying what people think. I know you care. A lot.”
Heeseung feels himself smiling. “I can’t wait for next week, I’m excited to see what Engenes think.”
“I’m kinda scared,” Jay admits truthfully.
Is this the heart to heart talk?
“You’ll do great,” Heeseung reassures him, “You always do. You exceed everyone’s expectations each time.”
“Yeah?”
Heeseung can hear the hope in Jay’s voice.
“Yeah. And they’ll love Helium, we already do. Sunghoon sings it everyday. Hell, I sing it a lot too. It’s amazing.” You’re amazing, the words seem to come easy.
“Nothing will beat Highway 1009, my favourite song,” Jay laughs softly, the way he always does when something makes him happy, under his breath and never too loud.
“You have bad taste. My favourite is Helium, the best producer produced it.”
Jay laughs loudly this time and Heeseung closes his eyes.
See? Easy, he tells himself. This marketing strategy is going to work just fine.
˚ . ★⋆. ࿐࿔
Jay and Heeseung both agree that they’ll choose one day per week for a sleepover, and it can be any day. Choosing just one day won’t work with how unpredictable and full their schedules are.
Heeseung feels like he can barely breathe the next few days, everyday blurring together into practice, eating and sleeping. The only notifications in their group chat are reminders of their schedule tomorrow, as if no one even had the time to scroll through their phones.
The anticipation is suffocating.
Heeseung glances down at his phone when a notification pops in. He had just finished showering and was about to head to the kitchen to ransack their fridge for something edible.
🧛🏻♂️🧛🏻🧛🏻♂️ 1,2,3 connect!!! 🧛🏻🧛🏻♂️🧛🏻🧛🏻♂️
June 4
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Tap to learn more.
Our leader Jungwon
Dinner for seven~ come to our floor i ordered for everyone [21:13]
[picture of food on their dining table] [21:13]
me:
Yayy [21:17]
Pyeonyuk prince
OMW [21:18]
Jaeyunnie
Don’t let Sunoo steal the mozzarella sticks!!![21:19]
Ni-ki 💪
ok [21:21]
Sunoooo
Give me the mozzarella sticks. 😡 [21:21]
Heeseung waits for Jay to reply his confirmation but after five minutes has passed, he pockets his phone and heads for Jay’s room. The younger man is probably asleep from exhaustion.
“Jongseong?” Heeseung knocks on the door four times. Nothing. Silence.
Heeseung sees Sunghoon and Ni-ki speeding past him, screeching as they probably try to race each other.
“I’m coming in,” Heeseung warns.
Heeseung tries the doorknob and lo and behold, the door opens to Jay standing on the other side, surprised. His hand is also on the doorknob on the other side.
“Hyung,” Jay blinks in surprise.
“I knocked but you didn’t say anything, you okay?” Heeseung leans down a bit to look at Jay’s face closer only for the younger to duck away.
“I’m fine,” Jay pauses, absentmindedly reaching for one of Heeseung’s hands, “... just a bit distracted.”
“Okay,” Heeseung glances down at their hands.
He knows Jay is lying but tugs Jay towards the door anyway, “Come on we need to eat. Everyone's probably waiting.”
Jay just lets Heeseung pull him along.
“Hyung,” Jay calls out for him right before they reach the other dormitory’s door.
“What?” Heeseung asks, a bit impatient now that they're so close to food - Heeseung can smell the ramen from outside.
He pauses and waits patiently for Jay to finish his sentence. Jay drops their intertwined hands.
Heeseung already misses the warm palm against his skin.
“Can I sleep with you tonight?”
Heeseung opens his mouth - wants to say no immediately, just because he feels unprepared and admittedly a bit freaked out by the forward way Jay had said it.
But the look on Jay’s face, the way he’s biting on his lower lip and like he wants to hide instead of hang with the other members, makes Heeseung change his mind.
Heeseung watches as Jay tucks his hair behind his ears and before Heeseung can think further and change his mind again he says yes.
It’s worth it, the way Jay immediately relaxes and pushes the door open.
“Your favourite member is here!” Jay announces cheerily, as if he wasn't one minute away from biting his nails down a few seconds ago.
Heeseung wonders how many times has this happened - where Jay masks his feelings, puts it aside neatly so no one else will know.
Dinner passes by easily and way too soon, it's true that time passes by faster when you're with your loved ones afterall.
Ni-ki and Jake talked about how excited they are to see the fans and Jungwon keeps bringing up how the fans called their photoshoot BDSM themed.
“You're on twitter too much,” Jake had told Jungwon. “And you didn't follow me back!”
Heeseung was surprised at this.
“Since when did you have an account? I thought it was only Jay and Jungwon.”
Jake thrusts his device to Heeseung’s face.
Heidi. @crownedrage
why is jake always looking at his members like he wants to stick his tongue down their throats IM SICKKK
21 reply | 1.3k retweets | 2.4 k likes
Jake grins like the menace he is, “I didn't want to miss out on things like this.”
“Don’t worry hyung,” Sunoo says as he eats, “I don't have one either.”
Heeseung throws Sunghoon a look, the implication behind Sunoo’s words meaning Sunghoon also has one but the younger man was too busy slurping down the ramyun noodles to care.
When everyone's already in their own bedroom, Heeseung opens the play store and downloads twitter, intrigued. He knows it's under a different name now but calling it X just feels wrong and weird.
Just as Heeseung opens the signup screen, Jay knocks at his door and Heeseung lets him in, throwing his phone on his bed somewhere to open the door.
“Hey,” Jay smiles at him, “Sorry it took so long. I didn't want anyone to see me.”
Heeseung snorts as Jay passes by him, two pillows in his arms and the black cat plushie snug in the middle.
“What am I? Your one night stand?” Heeseung asks as Jay throws everything on his bed and belly jumps on it. “And please don't break my bed.”
Jay pats the space next to him and Heeseung warily walks over, slipping under his blanket like a normal person. His phone is probably under Jay’s massive pillows. The twitter account will just have to wait another day.
Heeseung looks to the side and finds Jay’s eyes already on his. Jay’s hair glows like a halo from the moon shining down outside his window. Even his eyelashes are dusted white. Like an angel.
Heeseung watches Jay’s lips part when he begins to speak. Yeah no, Heeseung looks away. He prays his gulp isn't as audible as he feels it is.
“How are you feeling hyung?”
It’s not like they’ve never shared a bed. But there's something since that day, since the marketing strategy meeting that has unnerved Heeseung, that makes him a bit jumpier than usual.
Something clawing its way out of Heeseung’s esophagus.
Something about having to pretend there's something more with the person you’ve spent almost a decade trying to learn their habits and flaws, flipping every corner of them to study their characteristics, that Heeseung has met many versions of.
Jay at fourteen - all round cheeks, fidgeting with his hands. Always checking his reflection in the mirror and second guessing himself, more quiet and reserved. A kid who couldn't even look Heeseung in the eye.
Jay at seventeen - a sharper jaw, more confident in his steps. There's a sparkle in his eyes when he watches the older trainees, still so easily impressed. He can look Heeseung in the eye and doesn't stop talking his ears off.
Jay at eighteen, after debut. Still holding onto his insecurities, so obvious even when he tried to hide it. His soft smile towards his fans. Finding solace in reading random trivia about anything and everything.
Jay at twenty-three. All hard edges and round corners. Somehow sharp and soft at the same time. He stands taller, more confident in what he does, in his singing and dancing but somehow still finds him double checking himself in the mirror, still carrying the weight of thinking he isn't enough.
Heeseung wants to tell Jay, I’m not sure about what we're doing actually.
Heeseung takes a deep breath.
“Do you know any trusted doctors?” Heeseung asks, quieter than intended.
“Why?” Heeseung can hear the frown in Jay's voice. “Are you sick?”
Jay enters Heeseung’s line of sight, sitting up so he can look at Heeseung’s face.
“No,” Heeseung closes his eyes for a few seconds, “Just asking. You look like someone with a lot of friends.”
Jay looks at him puzzled, his head tilting to the side like a lost kitty.
“Hyung,” Jay presses the back of one hand to Heeseung’s forehead. Then pulls away when there is no sign of overheating or coldness.
“You know I don't have a lot of friends. You’ve been with me for nine years, what friends are you talking about?” Jay tucks a strand of hair behind his ear - self conscious or nervous, Heeseung can't tell.
“Imaginary friends?” Oh forget it, Heeseung wants to scream, stop taking me seriously, I'm just crazy.
“They’re going to ask questions for the fan showcase,” Heeseung interrupts Jay before he could answer. “What do you think they’ll ask?”
Might as well ask about the weather with this kind of topic.
Jay shrugs and lays down again, this time facing the ceiling too. Heeseung is just glad he doesn't need to look Jay straight in the eye when he lies.
“It’s probably something sentimental like how they made us talk about one another in the Manifesto Seoul DVD.”
Heeseung rolls on his side, back facing Jay so he doesn't see Heeseung’s face turning red and morphing through all seven stages of grief. Heeseung is pretty sure his face had come close to The Scream painting.
The Scream parody (2025): a copy of an art composition created by Lee Heeseung.
“That was embarrassing,” Heeseung admits honestly. The last stage, acceptance. But Jay is right, the fans love it, the people want to know what they have to say to each other - a heart to heart - no matter how many times they’ve answered it.
“I liked it when you said I did well even when I was tired - it was,” Jay pauses for a second. “It was nice.”
Nice, sure. How kind of Heeseung to tell Jay let’s get food together like that they don't all eat dinner together almost every other day.
Isn't Jay too easily impressed? Is the bar in hell? If a cat meows do you think it's nice too?
“I feel like I’ve run out of words to say about you guys. I hope they ask something different for once.”
“Like what?”
“I don't know, maybe ‘what's your favourite food these days? or which member pisses you off the most lately?”
Jay laughs. The parted lips, upper teeth showing kind of laugh, the one that turns his eyes turn to crescent moons and his dimples deepen, the kind of laugh that makes the world turn in slow motion.
The kind of laugh Heeseung has memorised to know what it looks like without turning his head.
“My answer would be Jake,” Jay says in between fits of laughter. If Jay had stopped, Jay would have noticed that Heeseung’s laughter had turned quiet.
“You know he stole my sweater and refused to return it. I had to buy a new one, the fabric is just so soft and it's so comfortable.”
“So you understand why he had to resort to stealing from you.”
“Now we suddenly have couple sweaters.” Jay giggles again.
See, Heeseung tells himself, easy - just do it in front of the camera tomorrow; make him laugh; Jay laughs easily.
“For our own sake I hope they don't ask that,” Heeseung yawns. “Don't want another rumour.”
Heeseung rolls on his back, throws a goodnight to the ceiling and presses his eyes closed shut.
“Goodnight hyung, and thank you.” Jay answers.
Heeseung still doesn't open his eyes. “For what?”
“For doing this with me,” Heeseung hears rustling from his left but fights the urge to open his eyes even then. Ignores the warmth flowing through him at Jay’s words - always too honest it feels uncomfortable sometimes.
“I’m glad they chose you. I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else.”
Too honest it suffocates Heeseung all the same.
Heeseung closes his eyes, the warmth turning to a searing burn, something clogging his arteries and stopping his heart. Jay’s soft snores fill the silence of the room, sleep always comes to him easy.
Heeseung opens his eyes and turns towards the slumbering body beside him. Jay is on his side facing him.
Heeseung imagines the courage Jay had probably conjured up to say those words to him. How Heeseung had stayed silent.
Jay breathes through his lips when he sleeps, his plump lips open slightly. The scar running down the middle of his bottom lips is obvious even in the dark; Heeseung wants to trace it with his thumb.
Heeseung debates on suffocating himself with a pillow but decides against it.
He’ll just make up for it tomorrow.
˚ . ★⋆. ࿐࿔
Heeseung feels like a walking zombie. He should ‘lock in’ as the maknae line likes to say these days but he can't help but feel like Nell from the Haunting of Hill House - the ghost of something still so alive, a premonition of his past coming back to haunt his future.
By the words Jay had told him last night, by “I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else.”
He eats breakfast absentmindedly, barely acknowledging the others greeting him good morning. Jay had looked at him weird but Heeseung brushed him off, saying he's just a bit nervous for today’s showcase.
June 5
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me:
can you ask mom if our family has a story of heart problems? [10:17]
Heedo 👹👺🤡
pay me [10:19]
are you sick?? [10:19]
me:
no [10:20]
Heedo 👹👺🤡
mom said no [10:21]
she said ure stupid [10:21]
me:
she didn't say that stop lying using her name [10:21]
Heedo 👹👺🤡
🤣 [10:21]
When they all meet up at the lobby by afternoon, Heeseung has regained more energy. Everyone is talking over one another, the staff instructing them to stay close to each other. A van stops near the lobby doors and Heeseung is about to step out with the others when he hears Jungwon’s voice ring clear in his ears.
“Hyung.”
Heeseung feels a hand clamp down on his shoulder firmly. Heeseung turns around slightly and offers Jungwon a smile.
“Jungwonie, we have to go.”
The staff are already herding Ni-Ki, Jake, Sunoo and Jay into one van as Sunghoon waits for the vehicle to drive away to make way for their other van.
“You know you can tell me anything right?” Jungwon is looking right at Heeseung’s soul. Intensely, as if he already knows where Heeseung’s mind is at. Heeseung refuses to spiral.
“I know.” Heeseung says hesitantly.
“You're not alone, you have us. You have me.” Like a football coach.
“I know,” Heeseung means it this time, he does know. Taking the offer is another thing though. “Thanks.”
“Hey!”
Jungwon and Heeseung jump a bit at the staff shouting at them.
“Come on,” the woman urges.
Sunghoon is already waiting for them inside, and the moment the doors close he launches into a talk about how he was too nervous to sleep last night which Heeseung is thankful for.
At least Heeseung wasn't the only one restless last night.
˚ . ★⋆. ࿐࿔
Ni-ki, Jay, Heeseung, Jake, Sunghoon, Jungwon and Sunoo are seated in that exact order.
It starts off easy, the questions light. Favourite song? Jay answered Highway 1009, easily even though he knew that the MC was asking about their favourite song in the latest album. He had even looked at Heeseung when he talked about how he cried reading the lyrics because he knew it was how Heeseung truly felt.
The fans loved it. Jongseong should win an oscar.
The MC corrected the question, Favourite song in Bad Desire? and Jay had pretended to be embarrassed about his previous answer. Heeseung watched him tuck a strand of hair behind his ear as the fans' shouts grew louder.
Jay was right about the sentimental questions. They had to talk about the person sitting on their left and Heeseung is secretly relieved that he had to say something to Jake instead of Jay this time around. Jake is an open book and doesn't hold back his words. Whatever is written on his face is the truth.
Heeseung’s mind goes to Jay anyway.
Jay is an ancient relic with five different locks, something you have to either pry open or find the right keys. Heeseung knows by now that no one has managed to find all the keys just yet, not even himself.
When Jay held Heeseung's hand, the older man let his eyes linger longer. He can imagine what they look like in other people’s eyes. The firm hand grip, the way Heeseung is looking at Jay as Jay looks everywhere except for him - the perfect scandal.
It was nearing the end of their showcase. Being so close to the people who have supported you, who love you, their fans and the group members - it does something to Heeseung. It makes him relax a bit.
And that is his first mistake.
“I think we’ve mentioned this before, but Heeseung hyung,” Ni-ki turns to Heeseung, a glint of mischief that scares Heeseung in his eyes. “He sleep talks sometimes. Jay hyung too. But lately with the comeback and everything - I think Heeseung hyung is more stressed that he sleep talks more.”
Heeseung immediately interrupts, afraid that their fans will get the wrong idea, “I’m not stressed, It’s not that. I’m-”
Fuck, Heeseung pauses, trying to find the right words. Fuck you Ni-ki he thinks, Fuck Bang PD, Fuck Belift, Fuck-
“Tired.” Jay chimes in cheerfully. Heeseung is about to turn, and disagree when Jay continues on.
“Not the bad kind of tired. It’s a good kind of tired, after doing a lot of fun things the entire day. Heeseungie hyung likes being busy.”
Heeseung nods, reaching out a hand to pat Jay’s thigh three times and letting it stay there a few seconds longer before pulling away. The right amount of subtlety.
“That’s why he sleep talks more,” Jungwon says helpfully.
“He says weird things. He once said ‘Okay let's eat ramen’, it was 4 A.M.,” Ni-ki laughs, “Another time he said, ‘mario kart’ and then fell asleep immediately.”
“It’s cute.” Jay insists, laughing. Heeseung is mortified.
“He scared me a few days ago,” Sunghoon suddenly adds. “It was almost 3:00 A.M., we stayed up to watch a movie but Heeseung hyung fell asleep. Then suddenly, he sat up like this.”
Sunghoon demonstrates how he saw Heeseung that night, rigid posture, hands by his side and eyes still closed, as everyone laughs.
“Hyung, hyung, I called out to him and kept asking him if he was okay, I even put a hand on his shoulder to wake him up.”
Sunghoon puts his hand on Jake’s shoulder beside him, shaking him a bit like he did to Heeseung that night.
“He didn’t wake up at all, but suddenly he said…” Sunghoon pauses and looks Heeseung straight in the eyes.
Heeseung can feel his stomach drop to his toes. I can’t believe it, Heeseung gives himself a pep talk, now I have to murder everyone. My members, the MC, everyone in this studio. Shit
“What did he say?” The MC finally asks when the pause goes on too long.
Sunghoon smirks, he will be the first to go, Heeseung thinks.
“He said, Jongseong-ah.”
Heeseung is horrified. Everyone burst into laughter and Heeseung forces himself to smile and laugh as well, hiding his expression with his hands.
Isn’t this too much information? I’m going to put LEGOs all over the floor later so everyone will suffer.
Heeseung feels a drop of cold sweat run down his nape.
Jay puts a reassuring hand on Heeseung’s shoulder and the older lets his hands fall away as they share a glance. By the way Jay’s eyes turn to crescent moons and his lips curl so wide - Heeseung knows it’s genuine.
“Heeseung hyung is a secret bluejay,” Jungwon adds for damage control.
Jay laughs harder, “Should I give you an autograph?”
Heeseung tsks playfully, a relieved smile on his face. “Is this how you talk to someone older than you?”
Heeseung is playing dirty, because he knows the members aside from Sunoo gets nervous when he does that but they’ve had their share of laughs, it’s Heeseung's turn now. Before anyone gets to reply though, the MC intervenes.
“Ni-ki, you mentioned that Jay also sleep talks, what does he say in his sleep?”
“He mumbles a lot so I can’t really say. But I remember one time when he said meow and then fell asleep again.”
Sunghoon coos and pokes fun at Jay, calling him kitty cat while Jake jumps at the opportunity to coax Jay to meow for the audience. Jay does it easily, used to the other two and their unrelenting teasing.
The rest of the interview goes smoothly, nothing humiliating happens again.
Sunghoon recommends Love Me Anyway by Chappell Roan and Sunoo shares that he’s going to watch Juvenile Justice when he has the time. Jay mentions Heeseung as his inspiration these days, which wow, Heeseung can’t wait for the video to drop and see what their fans say.
Heeseung climbs into their van with Ni-ki behind him. Jungwon, Sunoo and Jake are already off on their way in another van. The two open spots is the middle one across Sunghoon and the backseat beside Jay. Heeseung goes for the one opposite Sunghoon before Ni-ki nudges his back painfully.
Heeseung looks behind him and is about to give Ni-ki a piece of his mind when the younger one points to Jay with his chin. Heeseung throws him a questioning look but follows.
“Hey,” Heeseung greets Jay awkwardly. Trying to put some space between them, not too much that Jay would notice but enough so he feels less awkward.
Jay smiles at him. “Hey hyung, you okay?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
“You know,” Jay shrugs, “About what Ni-ki said.”
“Ah,” Heeseung reminds himself to plot their demise later on in his head. “It’s fine, the fans will like it. Hashtag HeeJay remember?”
Jay scrunches his nose cutely.
“But you don’t like it when people know about your private stuff.”
Heeseung looks at Jay, still pouting and looking down at his feet.
Hesitantly, he reaches out a hand to hold one of Jay’s and Jay lets him. This is Jay's idea, Heeseung tells himself. Jay slides their palm together and intertwines their fingers like it’s the most normal thing in the world, like it’s second nature.
So much for putting some space, Heeseung berates himself.
“You really don’t think it’s weird?” He finally asks, better to know the truth than to live in a lie.
Jay looks at Heeseung who immediately averts his eyes; eye contact is still a battlefield for him.
“No,” Jay answers honestly. “It’s cute.”
Heeseung rolls his eyes but he can feel his demeanor relaxing, as if he needed the reassurance that he’s not some creep bothering Jay.
The answer makes his heart tug a bit but Heeseung refuses to think about it too much.
“You would think a pig rolling in mud is cute, I don’t trust you.”
Jay leans against Heeseung, like bubble gum sticking to the closest surface.
“I do think pigs are cute,” Jay defends, “They’re very messy but cute too.”
“You know they eat anything right? If you threw them a corpse, they would gobble it down.”
Heeseung glances down at Jay as he closes his eyes. Heeseung stares at the way the setting sun outside and Jay’s eyelashes casts a shadow across his nose bridge and down his cheeks, the way the orange hue gives him an angel glow.
Heeseung can see in his mind the molten brown in Jay’s eyes if he were to open his eyes right now. His line of sight trails to Jay’s lips, plump and begging for a kiss.
Heeseung looks away, his heart racing, surprised at his own thoughts just to meet Ni-ki’s eyes.
The youngest wiggles his eyebrows before his giggle fills the van. Heeseung tries to telepathically cuss at Ni-ki but Jay shifts beside him and Heeseung freezes.
“Hyung.”
Heeseung stops breathing, was Jay sleeptalking? Will he meow?
“Hyung, relax, you’re too stiff.” Jay lifts his head and presses one hand on Heeseung’s chest, urging him to actually rest against the seat.
When he’s satisfied, he gives Heeseung’s chest a pat and leans against him again.
Heeseung prays that Jay does not hear his heart trying to leap out from his rib cage as he stares straight ahead.
Heeseung sure has been praying a lot these days, he might be able to quit being an idol and start being a priest. Or a monk, we’ll see. Whichever is easier to apply as.
Jay had his eyes closed so it's impossible that he saw Heeseung staring, right? But isn't it also true that you could always feel when someone is staring at you?
“Heeseung hyung,” Jay calls to him again.
Heeseung inhales as slowly as he can, hoping it doesn't jostle Jay too much before answering.
“Yeah?”
“Do you remember?”
Heeseung feels his heart doing flip flops now - hey Bixby what are the symptoms of heart failure?
“Remember what?”
“About the sleeptalking.”
When Heeseung chances a glance at Jay, the other still has his eyes closed. Heeseung lets the silence linger for a few more seconds, just so he can stare longer before turning away, gazing outside the window. Jay is the one to break the silence again.
“Before this, at a show, I told you.”
“Wow how specific,” Heeseung remarks, “We’ve definitely only been to one show, of course silly me. How could I not remember?”
Jay just nudges Heeseung for his sarcasm. The trees outside the window are blocking Heeseung’s view of the sunset but he can see the sky bleeding pink and purple.
He wants to snap a picture but that would mean moving his hand and if he moves his hand… What if Jay doesn’t want to lean against him anymore?
“I’ve told you before. Sometimes when you sleep talk, you call my name.”
Heeseung wants to strangle himself.
˚ . ★⋆. ࿐࿔
The top of their dormitory building has a closed area. It's a greenhouse with tinted windows that Heeseung has made his secret spot even though it’s open to all the residents.
The city view from up here is amazing. Everything twinkles like christmas lights, it's usually noisier on Friday and weekend nights but today is still considered Thursday night so the night is quieter.
The city lights are a make-do for Heeseung. Here they can never see the stars, it's too polluted. Instead of looking up to search for them, Heeseung looks down and pretends the stars have fallen on Earth and turned to street lights.
June 6
🔒Messages and calls are end-to-end
encrypted. No one outside of this chat can read or listen to them.
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me:
Hey, still awake? [01:17]
Jongseong
Yeah. [01:17]
Already in bed though. [01:17]
Hyung [01:19]
You okay? [01:19]
me:
Did you tell anyone about our marketing strategy? [01:20]
Jongseong
No. Why? [01:20]
Have you told anyone? [01:20]
me:
I’m planning to tell Jungwon. Is that okay? [01:20]
We can talk about who else to tell later. [01:20]
Jongseong? [01:22]
Jongseong
Yeah. Okay. 👍👍👍👍 [01:23]
me:
Okay, go to sleep now. Goodnight! [01:23]
Jongseong
Goodnight hyung ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 😴 [01:23]
“You wanted to talk?”
Heeseung yelps and turns around. Both hands balled into fists.
“Fuck,” Heeseung sat down on one of the benches outlooking the city view and held one hand to his chest. “You scared me Jungwon, what the hell.”
Jungwon plops down beside Heeseung, “You wanted to meet here. Suspicious. Are you planning to murder me?”
Heeseung can see why Jay and Jungwon get along so well. They're both weird, in a good sense that is. They say whatever's on their mind and they know random trivia of other much more random things.
“We’ll see about that,” Heeseung eyes him warily.
“So,” Jungwon probs almost immediately, “What's wrong?”
Jungwon is not the type of person to beat around the bush and Heeseung hasn't figured if that's a fortunate or unfortunate thing yet.
“It's about Jay right?”
Heeseung hears the snap of his neck because of how fast he turns.
“Am I wrong? Is it something else? Is that not why you’re spiraling?”
“No,” Heeseung blurts out before he can stop himself. Might as well just get it out now. “It is about him. And I am not spiraling.”
Jungwon doesn’t look convinced. Heeseung hangs his head low.
“I call his name in my sleep, what the hell.”
Heeseung buries his face in his hands. Okay, maybe he is spiraling a bit.
Jungwon puts a hand on his shoulder much like earlier. His grip is firm and grounding.
The way Ni-ki was looking at him earlier, like he knew something Heeseung didn’t, made Heeseung feel a bit sick. Heeseung doesn’t like not knowing things, not having that sense of control.
“Everyone knows that, he's said that before right? Two years ago I think.”
“Yeah but now people are going to remember it again!”
Heeseung turns to Jungwon and grabs both his shoulders, a manic craze in his eyes.
“Let's exchange rooms. Trade my spot for yours, please. It’s embarrassing.”
Jungwon just looks amused.
“But you weren't this embarrassed before? What’s the difference?”
The thing is, it is just as embarrassing. The only difference is that before, Heeseung would keep it in and never tell anyone. Spiraled silently.
When that part got aired, about how he and Jay sleep talk - about how Heeseung calls his name in his sleep - Heeseung was half tempted to duct tape his mouth shut or jump off the Hybe building.
The shame is still the same but at least there wasn't the weight of being a couple on him at that time.
Not a couple, Heeseung reminds himself, definitely not a couple.
Heeseung feels as if he has to play into the act to make it convincing.
“You haven't said anything weird at your sleepovers if that's what you're wondering.”
Heeseung’s lungs fill with dread and by the look in Jungwon’s eyes, he knows he said the wrong thing.
“How do you know about that?”
Maybe Sunghoon told him, but Heeseung knows that it would be out of character for Sunghoon.
Sunghoon isn't the type to get suspicious easily and by the way Jay and him had bickered, it was obvious Sunghoon didn't think much of it, not to the point he would consult Jungwon one on one.
“Jay hyung told me.”
“What else did he tell you?”
Jungwon shrugs again and Heeseung lets his hands fall to his side.
“Nothing.”
“You're lying.”
“I'm not.” and Heeseung knows that's true.
Jungwon never lies, not when he has no reason to. He doesn't believe in lying except when it comes to cheating during game nights.
So if Jay didn't tell him, then how does he know? Jungwon is as brazen as ever, eyes looking right at Heeseung.
“You know about our marketing strategy.” Heeseung realizes.
The day before their meeting, Jungwon was called to the company. Jungwon is the extra reinforcement they talked about. That's why Jay doesn't need to tell Jungwon anything, he already knows.
“Is that what you call it? Marketing strategy?”
Heeseung feels like he's in a telenovela, the betrayed wife who finds out her husband has been cheating with a lowlife girl who is nicer and prettier than her.
“Yeah, I was the one who voted for you two.”
The husband is leaving with his arms around his new girl. Heeseung falls to the ground in the telenovela.
“Why?”
“No reason,” Jungwon averts his eyes for a second. A tell that he’s trying to lie. Which means he has a reason to lie.
Heeseung thinks about it, tries to clip all the pieces of evidence in his head. It doesn't really make any sense but fuck.
“You hate Jongseong.”
“Hyung,” there's a warning in Jungwon’s tone.
“You're overthinking this. I do not hate Jay hyung. I just voted whatever I thought was for the best, okay?”
For the best? Then another bell rings in Heeseung’s head. A more obvious sequence of evidence forms and it's suddenly crystal clear.
"You like Jay." Heeseung doesn't know why his words sound so accusatory.
But it does feel like Jungwon had committed a crime for some reason. Heeseung feels all sense of control slipping through his fingers.
Jay? Jay? His best friend, Jay? His ride or die? His fake pretend-something-more-than-friends, Jay?
Jungwon looks at Heeseung as he sits with his thoughts, as if he is making up his mind about something.
Finally Jungwon admits with a small smile, "Maybe."
Wow, Heeseung thinks, Maybe? Jay doesn't deserve someone who is so half assed about him.
“I can see the face you’re making, hyung.”
Heeseung feels bad, embarrassed even, what the hell?
First of all, Heeseung is a very cool hyung who would never judge anything anyone does. Plus, Jungwon is his good friend and Jungwon would make a great lover, Heeseung is sure of that.
But Jay’s lover? No one will ever be enough for such a guy like Jay.
"What do you mean maybe?" Heeseung repeats lamely, a hint of judgement in his tone that they both ignore.
"Yeah, maybe I like him." Jungwon looks Heeseung straight in the eyes as he delivers the craziest line Heeseung has ever heard. "I think you like him more than me though, hyung."
And Heeseung's world stops in motion.
In his head, everyone is screaming as the tides turn to tsunamis, volcanoes are blowing up, buildings are collapsing - help, help, the voices scream. Jake is screaming at him, telling him to move out the way as all his members run past him.
Heeseung splutters like one of the volcanoes. Dangerous and hot.
"What the hell are you saying."
“It was a question,” Jungwon defends lamely, as if Heeseung’s reaction is boring him.
“No it wasn't, that's a statement.” Heeseung stands up.
Then sits back down again because the greenhouse is too small to pace around.
“Okay,” Jungwon comforts him, “Is it a wrong or right statement?”
Heeseung opens his mouth to say something.
“I was just asking.” Jungwon repeats, his hands up in mock surrender.
Heeseung lets the thoughts he buried rise from the dead.
Jay, eighteen, just debuted, asking Heeseung in a whisper if he could sleep next to him - trying to find comfort in a face more familiar than his mother. The way Heeseung had let him in without hesitation.
Those nights Jay had tucked himself by Heeseung’s side snugly and had traced star patterns on Heeseung’s arm. A four pointed star, a five pointed one, a five pointed one that kindergarteners usually draw - the one with a pentagon in the middle.
Heeseung had let him. Heeseung had wanted to protect him from the world back then, when there were more snide comments than good ones, when everything they do is scrutinised under a microscope and overanalysed. When a compliment is twisted into a slur, when their smiles are called snide and not genuine.
One wrong move and you're trending for all the wrong things. Heeseung had let Jay weep on him at night, when the rest of the world had lulled to sleep.
Even now it’s terrifying, but years of experience shapes you, helps you.
You stay in the hurt and sadness and madness for some time and you come out of it alive and stronger. The only way out is through afterall.
Emotions to Heeseung are more akin to gardening than it is to anything else. You plant a seed, and it sprouts out. You water it, let the sun shine on it and put it in the right soil with the right amount of nutritions. It grows, to whatever you plant it.
But sometimes there are things that you don't plant in your garden but it grows anyway, things that live by good luck. A pollen dropped by some bird or bee, or spores that found the perfect soil to grow in, blown at the correct time in the right direction.
Jealousy like ivy growing outside your garden gates but slowly slithers up like a snake and suddenly it's in your garden, poisonous and ready to fester in your heart. Climbing higher the more you let it, if you don't get rid of it.
Hope, like dandelions; the seeds blown into your garden with just one small breeze, suddenly they’re blooming everywhere and you can’t help the way you pluck them and blow your wishes onto them, letting the wind take them away somewhere far.
And love. Like roses. You see them sprouting and you let it because roses are pretty. The stems are covered in thorns, prickly; sometimes you bleed but it smells so damn good. You let it stay in your garden anyways. One day it’s small, just one blooming rose, then you close your eyes and they’ve taken up so much space, the whole space smells like roses.
Too busy appreciating the beauty that you don’t see how much they’ve grown, how smaller the path to them has become. Roses - white for family, burgundy for friendship and blood red for romance.
The crimson so bright you could spot it from a mile away. And yet, you will always be in awe of their beauty each and every time.
Heeseung didn’t even notice the way he gravitated towards Jongseong at first. The way Jongseong’s words would ground him like a steady hand on his back.
Jay-ah, Jongseong-ah, Jongseongie, the clingy guy who only has one hyung to look after him. The guy Heeseung can’t take his eyes off but can’t look in the eye either.
Who would put his chin on Heeseung’s shoulder to read whatever’s in Heeseung’s hands, who would lean his head on the nearest shoulder, who would play with Heeseung’s fingers, who secretly likes hugs, suddenly everything is Jongseong, Jongseong, Jongseong. Bright and colourful Jongseong.
Heeseung hadn’t even realised it until…
Doesn’t remember those days but he remembers the moment he had to take a step back. When they’ve gotten back from their en-o-clock shooting, and Heeseung sees Jay standing by his bunk bed.
Jay rarely came to him during that time; DIMENSION: ANSWER was a good time. There were more compliments than hate comments, when they’re busy going to events back to back, and can see how much support they actually had.
Heeseung had missed the company but is happy that it means he’s not the only one who can appreciate Jay as who he is.
“Jongseong.” Heeseung was pleasantly surprised to see him.
Heeseung had jumped on his bed and looked at Jay expectantly and that’s when he noticed the tears gathered in Jay’s eyes.
“Jongseong,” Heeseung sat up, and let Jay fall to his knees. He had let Jay hug his waist, making space between his legs.
“What's wrong?”
“Hyung,” Jay was pleading, the arms around his waist tightened.
“I think I like boys.”
Jay had confessed so softly Heeseung was sure he misheard him. Heeseung wanted to pull back but Jay was already crying in his stomach.
“Hyung I like boys, I- I think I’m weird.”
Heeseung’s stomach coiled with something he couldn't explain, his heart thumping so hard as he processed the words.
I like boys.
Heeseung was sure Jay could feel how his body stiffened, and that was why Jay started crying harder.
The confession blindsided Heeseung completely.
Since when? How do you know? How are you sure? Who made you cry? Who is it? But Heeseung didn't ask any of it. He pushed it to the side and with stiff arms, pulled Jay into a tight hug.
Heeseung felt angry too, unsure why, but he was angry all the same. He couldn't think straight, couldn't place his finger on why his chest was burning hot at the words Jay uttered.
“It’s okay,” Heeseung had said, had repeated, like a prayer or a chant or something holy.
He had let Jay cry on him until he was exhausted. Until the digital alarm clock on his nightstand blared 2:45 A.M. and Jay had pulled away first.
Jay had looked him in the eye, probably trying to dig into his heart, trying to find something to hold onto. Something he didn't find.
“You don't think I’m weird?” Jay had croaked out.
Heeseung wanted to say, no, deny it immediately. Heeseung wanted Jay to know that he would never hate him.
“No, you're not weird.” But Heeseung’s voice came out weird and a beat too late.
Heeseung could see the fear in Jay’s eyes as he got up, wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt and thanked Heeseung quietly before leaving.
Jay had said goodnight but it felt more like a goodbye because something shifted in the air around them after that.
Jay never came to his bedroom for no reason anymore and Heeseung pretended the stars Jay had drawn on him before had run out of hydrogen, had lost all heat and died.
It took a few months for Jay to even be in close proximity with Heeseung after that. For them to get as close and comfortable as they are now - they had to pretend that night never happened.
The death of a star is the brightest they’ve ever been afterall.
That's when Heeseung knew.
“I’m probably homophobic, towards Jay.” Heeseung says instead to fuck with Jungwon.
He buries that moment deep in his mind and tries to forget it, really. He never thinks about it. Because he can't believe he would ever feel that way, and towards one of his best friends.
“You're homophobic?” Jungwon’s even more surprised.
“Just with Jongseong, I guess.” Heeseung replies.
“There's no right circumstance to be bigoted, hyung. What do you mean you're homophobic towards Jongseong? How can you be homophobic towards just one person?”
Heeseung shrugs.
“Hyung,” Jungwon says exasperated. “I’m bisexual. I like men.”
Heeseung blinks at him.
“Okay,” Heeseung uses Jungwon’s own tone on him, “Thanks for telling me?”
“Hyung.” Jungwon uses a tone that indicates he’s going to be really, really angry. “I’m bisexual. What do you feel?”
Heeseung pretends to think about it. Nothing. “Uh, how did you find out?”
“Because I like someone.”
Right. Jongseong, Heeseung thinks. Jungwon likes Jay and he's making me say it. Some people really are born evil.
Jungwon holds Heeseung by the shoulders this time. Heeseung has a feeling Jungwon is one second away from murdering him. “Are you angry at me?”
A pause. Kinda. But for a different reason. “No. I told you, it's towards Jay only.”
“Do you hate Jay?”
No hesitation this time. “No.”
“Do you hate that Jay likes men?”
“Yes,” the words glide off easily. Heeseung pauses. Jungwon can see the gears in Heeseung’s head turning.
“See what I’m saying-”
“Heeseung hyung, I think you refuse to think and say the truth because you're scared. I know you're not this dumb. I know you saw Sunghoon hyung check out Soobin hyung before. I know you know half of our group are probably not straight at all.”
Heeseung stays quiet. Burying the memory from before deeper down.
“Why do you rather believe that you, the same person who comforted Jake when he broke up with his ambiguous gendered lover after debut, the same person who congratulated our fan who- mind you she told you she has a girlfriend, you smiled at her and said you were happy for her.”
It’s hard to play dumb around Jungwon.
“Were you lying?”
“No. I meant it. Every word of it.”
“You're not homophobic. Say it with me.”
Heeseung feels like a toddler being told to say mama but does it anyway. Like a remake of that one episode of spongebob screaming from the rooftop.
“I’m not homophobic.”
“So what are you?” Jungwon asks, hands gripping Heeseung tighter. “I’ve seen you look at other guys backstage, the way your eyes go down their bodies.”
“Fucking hell,” Heeseung gasps, “Can we not do this?”
“Enough of that hyung. What are you?”
Heeseung gulps audibly.
“An idiot sandwich.”
Jungwon sighs and lets go of Heeseung, facing forward and staring at a potted Jasmine plant. Probably plotting how to kill Heeseung with the pot. Whatever.
“A homosexual. Half a homosexual. Bisexual.” Heeseung says this time.
“Okay, thanks for telling me. Although anyone could have guessed it.” Jungwon says, patting Heeseung’s thigh. “For who?”
“Hot people.”
“Okay,” Heeseung can see Jungwon’s eyebrow twitch. “Name one of the hot people.”
Heeseung stays silent. He knows this game, knows what Jungwon is trying to get him to say.
But Heeseung can't say it. If he says it, that means he’ll have to face it. Heeseung tries to remember the hangman’s knot instruction he once saw.
- Pass the tag end behind the “8” shape made with the rope.
“This would be easier if you could just be honest with me.” Jungwon turns to Heeseung, “Sunoo hyung's friend is a therapist, he’ll sign an NDA.”
Why the fuck would Heeseung be honest with a man who just admitted to liking Jongseong? Who maybe likes Jongseong?
- Wrap it around the upper loop and the standing part.
- Wrap it three more times.
“When Jay came out to me,” Heeseung begins carefully, “It- Doesn't it mean he likes someone? That's how you know right? Because you like a man, so you know you like men.”
“How did you know you liked men?” Jungwon asks back.
“The girl I talked about before, the one I liked for three years.” Heeseung takes a deep breath. “It’s not a her.”
Jungwon nods. Yay, Heeseung thinks, #teambisexual.
“Why do you hate the fact that Jay hyung likes men?”
Because it's not me.
- Pass it through the small top loop.
- Hold the lower loop and pull the tag end to tighten.
- Knot completed.
Heeseung buries his face in his hands again. He can't say it, because if he does he can't take it back.
Admitting it means accepting it.
“Can I take a medical leave tomorrow?”
Jungwon stands up and dusts himself off. “Good conversation. See you tomorrow.”
“Oh and hyung?”
Jungwon is at the doorway of the greenhouse, smirking as if he had just witnessed a stand up comedy gone wrong.
“What?” Words feel like lead in Heeseung’s mouth.
“I don't like Jay hyung,” Jungwon grins, watching as Heeseung gets increasingly more confused. “Not like that. But it was nice to see your reaction.”
Heeseung watches as Jungwon disappears from his sight. Jungwon might be lying. There's no way anyone so close to Jay could resist Jay. Heeseung would know best.
˚ . ★⋆. ࿐࿔
June 6
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Manager #2
[Screenshot of the trending page on twitter, the word heejay with 37k posts.] [07:14]
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Manager #2
Check out the hashtags! [08:16]
Heeseung holds back the urge to throw his phone across the room.
★