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Ellie hadn't expected it, even after having a crush on Cat Song for the past year, and being friends for most of the time she'd been with the Millers. The kiss came as a shock to her as they were sitting in her room together. Ellie was lying on her stomach on her bed, reading the newest Savage Starlight issue while Cat was sitting on the floor next to her, drawing in her art book, when she turned quickly and planted a closed-mouth kiss on her lips.
Suddenly, Ellie was back at the last place where she'd been with Riley, imagining their first kiss but having never been able to do it, and she jerked away from Cat harshly.
She moved so fast that her knees slid off the other side of her bed, and she flopped down on the floor on the far side of it as Cat called out to ask if she was okay, and the bedroom door opened suddenly. Joel stood there looking harried when Ellie's head popped back up over the bed.
"I'm fine, Joel," she assured as he came around the end of the bed and helped her up, hands and eyes tracing up and down her shoulders and back to make sure she wasn't hurt. She allowed it to happen with patience, something that he needed to do anytime she so much as sneezed or skinned her knee, fear left over from the times in the past when she or her sister were hurt, and he couldn't do anything to stop it.
After a minute of this, Ellie rolled her eyes, and he took a half step back, "You sure you're okay, Ellie-girl?"
"I just fell off the bed like a dummy, no big deal. You gotta learn to chill, old man."
Joel rolled his eyes at the title, leaning down to press a kiss to her forehead before giving Cat an unreadable look and heading back to the living room, leaving the door cracked open with another glance at Ellie. The silent command was clear: 'Leave the door open.'
She'd never told him that she only likes girls and figured he was doing that because she'd just fallen out of her bed for 'no reason' and he was being cautious. He'd asked a few times if she'd met any boys, not that he was thrilled about either of them dating, so it had been more about talking about it than anything.
Once he was gone, Ellie was left with Cat in an awkward silence.
"I'm sorry, that was stupid," Cat said, and Ellie slumped onto the side of her bed, folding her legs in front of her and patting the other side of the bed so Cat would sit as well. When she did, Ellie took a deep breath.
"Just unexpected. My… Joel… The Millers don't know that I like girls, and that was my first kiss."
" Shit! " Cat whispered, "I'm sorry, Ellie; I should have asked you before I did anything, but I figured if we liked each other, then it wasn't a big deal."
"It is a big deal; if they don't like it, then I could get kicked out!" Ellie whispered, and she looked back at the door, afraid that Joel would be there, but there was no one there.
Sarah wasn't here; she was out with friends, and Tommy was out on a date with his girlfriend Maria. Tess and Charlie were supposed to come over later, but for now, it was just Ellie and Joel in the house.
Cat looked down at her lap, then looked up again at Ellie, "I didn't think, Ellie. Sorry."
Ellie looked away from the other girl. "I think you should go."
"Ellie, will you call me later? Can we go out? Like really?"
She shrugged, "I'll talk to you after I talk to the Millers about it."
Cat nodded, and Ellie walked her out to the front door, waving her off with a tight smile as Joel watched her from the couch, where he was reading a book. She closed the door and looked at him.
"Cat not gonna stay longer? I thought you were planning more comic reading and to bother Tess and me later on."
Ellie shrugged and moved over to flop next to him, snuggling into Joel's side. He chuckled as he moved his arm over her shoulder and pressed a kiss to her head before opening his book again to start reading. It was a copy of one of the books that she was reading for her English class, and Ellie frowned as she looked up at him.
"Why do you have that?" she asked.
Joel shrugged, "Just figured I would give it a read."
Ellie nodded, sure that he was reading it for the express purpose of helping her with homework, but she figured she would let him slide about it. Sarah usually helped her, too, because she'd already read the books. Still, when they started chattering around the dinner table about whatever book she was currently reading, he liked to join.
She let him go back to reading, pressing her head against his shoulder in the quiet of the weekend afternoon; Joel had some old man music playing quietly from his radio, and the hand that was around her shoulder kept rubbing up and down her arm in a comfortable absent-minded gesture that Ellie always loved when it happened.
She needed to tell him the truth about what happened with Cat. She had gotten used to telling him and Sarah everything, but she'd heard so many stories about gay kids telling their parents the truth and then getting kicked out or hurt because of who they liked.
Then Tess knocked on the door after a little while, and he gave her another kiss and went to open the door to his girlfriend and her sixteen-year-old son, so she let the moment pass, figuring there would be time enough later.
It only took three days for Joel and Sarah to figure out something was weighing on Ellie. It was equally endearing and annoying to live with people who knew her well enough to call her out quickly when something was going wrong. She'd had one counseling session with Natasha Tembo since the kiss, and she'd been very straightforward when she told Ellie that there was no reason to think that the Millers were going to reject her for her sexuality.
She'd been with them for two years, and anytime something happened when she made a mistake, or she wasn't perfect like Sarah, it was like going back to all the other homes she'd been in before she ran at the age of twelve. Two years with the Millers helped, but it didn't magically make her into a functional teenager.
Once they came home from the Miller business office, Tommy didn't even go into the house. Ellie frowned after him before walking into their home, and Joel closed the door behind them.
"Ellie, can I have a moment with you alone?" Joel asked, and Sarah looked at them both before heading to her room. Ellie moved to sit on the couch, dropping her bag on the floor next to her feet. She crossed her arms over her stomach, trying to hide how her heart rate had spiked and her breathing had become a little irregular.
Joel pulled one of the dining room chairs over and sat down in front of her, pressing a gentle hand to her knee, "Kiddo, you didn't do anything wrong. Take a breath."
She did, breathing in through her nose and breathing out again.
"Again, baby girl."
Ellie followed his direction again, and the action made everything slow down a bit. She nodded at Joel to let him know he needed to say what he was going to say while she remained relatively calm.
"Somethin's been goin' on Kiddo, and you are about to vibrate out of your skin. Tell me?"
Ellie moved to kick off her shoes and pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs and pressing her cheek to her knees. It's her fault that she let the Millers get to know her.
Joel grabbed one of her feet, and her eyes came back to his face, the soft look he gave to Ellie and Sarah all the time. She took another deep breath and said the first stupid thing that came into her mind.
"I had my first kiss."
Joel looked around the room like he was expecting someone to be there, but then looked back at her, "Okay? Was it okay?"
She nodded, "Surprising, but it was okay."
"You're a little young for kissin' people, but why is that makin' you stressed? Even talkin' to Nat didn't help this week, and it usually does."
"She asked me on a date," Ellie blurted out, and it took Joel a few seconds to interpret what she said before he grabbed her upper arms and shook her a little with a smile on his face.
"That's great, kiddo; what did you tell her?" he responded as he sat back down again.
"What? Is that it?" she asked him. Joel also said 'her,' so he understood her.
Joel's head tilted a little, "Whaddya mean?"
"I kissed a girl. I only like girls. I'm only ever going to date girls. That's not normal! "
Joel's face smoothed out again, "Oh, honey. There's nothing wrong with only liking girls." He reached out his hand for her to take or not, so Ellie put one of her hands in his. Joel took that as the invitation to move next to her on the couch and pulled her into his side, just as he had after Cat left.
Nothing had changed.
"It doesn't make you mad?" Ellie asked.
Joel shook his head against her head and squeezed her a little bit, "Baby, no, of course not. I don't care who you like, as long as they are good to you. I went through this with Sarah not that long ago, and, as I already said, I think you're a little young yet, but that could just be the dad in me. I would be thrilled if you didn't date until you were in your mid-twenties."
Ellie chuckled, "Fat chance, dude."
"I figured," Joel said and pressed another kiss to her head. "Who's the lucky girl?"
"Cat," Ellie said, and Joel froze up a little, and Ellie did too, "What's wrong? You said it wasn't a problem."
Joel moved a little so he could turn towards her, and Ellie felt the cold loss of his comfort, but he reached out and took her hands in his. "You likin' girls is not a problem, Els; I am worried that she's a couple of years older than you. I'm not going to say you can't go out with her, but I think you should stick to double dates or group hangouts for a little while so I can get to know her. As someone who's romantically interested in my daughter."
Ellie frowned, "So you don't trust me, even if you do accept me?"
Joel sighed and pulled her into a hug, "No, baby girl, I'm worried about you. That's not a lack of trust. I just wanna make sure you're safe with someone a little older than you."
Ellie didn't pull away, but there was a part of her that thought she should, for the sake of Cat, to defend her. Then she considered the moment when Cat kissed her and how, in that moment, there was a part of her that hurt because Cat didn't ask her if she wanted to kiss. She thought about the times when the Millers made concerted efforts to ensure she understood the importance of consent and that she always had the right to her privacy and safety; maybe he had a point.
"So I can go out with Cat? As long as I go with a group?"
"Yes, you can. I think you and I should talk to Nat about good boundaries because you are still young, and I want you to be safe while you are learning about dating and liking other people."
Ellie nodded and leaned into his side for another hug, and she let herself relax into it with a sigh.
"Can I come out now?" Sarah asked from her room.
"Yeah, baby, sorry," Joel called out, and Sarah walked out into the front room and shoved something into Ellie's lap before she dropped down on Ellie's other side. Ellie frowned at her sister and looked down at the pin sitting in the crease of her pants. She picked it up to see a PRIDE rainbow flag pin and stared at Sarah in shock.
"Sarah, should you be eavesdropping on our conversations?" Joel asked, admonishing her a little, though they both knew it wasn't going to keep the girl from listening in on whatever conversations she wanted to be a part of.
Ellie ignored that part for what was important to her, "How did you know?"
Sarah rolled her eyes. "Ellie, you're not very subtle. I didn't want to assume, but I figured you weren't completely straight ages ago. I'm so happy you're finally able to come out to us about it. We were going to love you no matter what, but I can say that Dad only worrying about one daughter having an unplanned teenage pregnancy is way better for his heart than the possibility of two."
Ellie snorted and closed her fingers over the pin, and shared a look with Sarah, then Joel, "You're sure you're okay with me being a lesbian?"
She'd never said the word out loud before. It felt good to say it to her family. Ellie pulled them both into a hug and took a couple of deep, soothing breaths before playfully shoving them away and securing the pin to her backpack. They then began their homework while Joel prepared their dinner.
That evening, once Ellie and Sarah were safely ensconced in their beds for the night, Joel slipped out the door and headed over to his brother's door. Tommy jerked it open after Joel knocked twice like he'd been waiting near the damn thing to answer, "Well?"
"She got asked out. Had her first kiss, and she was freaking out about telling us," Joel said succinctly.
Tommy nodded, "Because of the gay thing?"
"She was worried we weren't going to accept her when we found out, poor kid. You think she would hate us if we had a family-only 'coming out' party?"
Tommy chuckled, "Oh hell yeah, she would."
"I am concerned about the girl, it's Cat Song, the girl in Sarah's grade who spends time with Ellie a lot. I didn't wanna enforce any rules on their friendship, but if they are going to go out, I think some boundaries are good."
After doing this with Sarah not long ago, it felt both strange and comforting to come to his brother about this. The adults in their family, Joel, Tommy, Tess, and Maria, were usually involved in many of his decisions about the girls. Still, when he couldn't touch base with his partner, Tess, or Tommy's girl, Maria, Tommy was always a willing co-parent for the girls.
Tommy frowned, rubbing at his beard a little, "She's been friends with Ellie a long time, but if they are going to date, I can see how changing some of the rules for Ellie's comfort isn't a bad thing. She's still so young, and according to Sarah, Cat has been dating for a couple of years already, not to mention the tattoos."
Joel nodded and glanced back to his door, "I should get back; she's been so unsettled the last couple of days, and if she has bad dreams, I don't want her to be alone."
"Get on then, Papa Bear," Tommy grinned and slapped his shoulder lightly, "We'll talk with the ladies tomorrow, I'm sure they can help us keep from pissing off Ellie with our overbearance."
"We can only hope," Joel said and hugged his brother before walking back to his house, walking in and locking the door before taking off his shoes and heading back to the bedrooms, double-checking that the girls were each in their beds before going to his. He went through his nightly routine before opening his door a crack so he could hear the girls if there were any issues, then got into bed, taking a couple of deep breaths like he'd taught Ellie to do, recognizing that his baby was growing up and he'd only had her for two years.
Joel wasn't ready for her to grow up, but he wouldn't stand in their way.