Chapter Text
It started to feel like he was living two lives
The one everyone could see , and the one only him and Taehyung knew.
By day, He worked, smiled, answered work calls, listened to Hana talk about her work, friends and projects,
By night he went to dinners with her where everything looked normal.
He laughed when he needed to.
He nodded when he was supposed to
He even reached for her hand sometimes.to just ground himself
But every time she leaned in to kiss him, his breath would falter and when he finally gave in, closing his eyes,
he can only see him
Taehyung’s mouth
he can only hears him
Taehyung’s voice
That small, familiar gasp that made his world go quiet.his mind rest
The taste of soju and that night’s rain.The smell of soap, sweet shampoo and detergent still lingered in his memory like something he couldn’t wash off.
He stopped trying to
Because in the end, it was the only thing that made him feel alive.
Between the boy’s lips and the liquor, he found his only kind of peace
A false, fragile paradise.
He’d tell himself he will ignore his heart, not anymore, that he will treated it as a habit,
A bad habbit ,
like his smoking and drinking habit
A comfort his body craved
But then Taehyung would look at him
really look at him
From a far
Because they never talk to each other in public
And everything would collapse again.
And his heart will starts to become greedy again
He was losing himself slowly, quietly,
behind closed doors,
in stolen breaths and trembling touches.
And every time he left Taehyung’s room, he told himself,
This will be the last time.
It never was.
It’s been two months now , they were still kissing in the shadows ,
in every corner when no one is looking ,gradually Jin noticed the change ,their messages changed ,softer somehow, more frequent.
They didn’t talk about what happened.
Never
Not the kisses, not the fever, not the things that still lingered between them in the quiet.
But something had shifted
He had noticed
Now, his replies came faster
Not always long, but warmer
“What are you doing now ? hyung “ the boy have sent before
“working “
“you don’t get bored from working all the time ”
Don’t have other things to do
“Hyung , look I found him in our neighbourhood
He looked like he was lost :(, I took him to the police station ,isn’t he cute “
Attached a photo of a cute puppy
Taehyung really love puppies ,he realized
But You are more cuter -He wants to say
Sometimes even late at night
“ Sorry just saw your messages , are you still awake ?”
Wow he is apologizing now too
“hmmm” came Taehyung reply after two minutes only
“can’t sleep ”
Why ?
It’s almost 2 Am !!
Was he still sick?,..
“ I have an exam tomorrow 😭, I need to stuuuuudy :(”
“good luck “
Why he is so boring? , the younger was sharing his day updates with him
but he couldn’t offer any lonnger or funnier replies ?
He wasn’t familiar with using emojies with him too
He was a mess
He isn't seeing him often now after hana was back from her business trip ,
he got busy with his work again and also the younger was apparently has a difficult time because of his exams ,
So Jin was hanging by a thread (those short exchange messages between them) for his life . when he didn’t receive them he will go for the liquor ,
then he will be reading and rereading their past messages again and again until the new ones will come
He felt himself going back to be a teenager again , foresting his first crush
Always anxiously waiting for the younger’s message notification , he has back to track his Instagram account ,
moniterig , analyzing every move of his
He saw him post a story before , Taehyung took a selfie of his boyish handsome face , hair a mess like he was just woke up , complaining about his under eyes bags
You are still beautiful though
And with every passing day ,he felt his longing is doubling
He wants to see the younger boy so bad
It looks like he was the only one between them was affected by this physical distance ,
The boy looked like he forgot their agreement
He isn’t coming to deliver that Kimich recently
And Jin finds himself wants to go to the Kim house and complain about his empty fridge
He knew Taehyung was busy with his exams now , but he can’t stop his selfish heart at the same time
“Hyung , are you asleep?”
He felt his heart resume his beating again when he got Taehyung’s late message
Jin was working late that day , with one glass to keep his company as usual ,
Taehyung didn’t message him for two weeks now and Jin felt himself going crazy waiting for their next message but he couldn’t dare to send them first
He hesitated , he should wait a bit and reply
Make it causal , like he wasn’t waiting for the whole two weeks for those messages
“almost.. “
Liar
Then silence
When he felt the silence stretched for more than 30 seconds , he got panicked ,the boy may think that he doesn’t want to talk, or he had disturbed him Therefore he add an awkward:
“you ?”
He groans internally at his stupid and awkward actions
Great
Taehyung will really think he is a boring person now
He should talks more , but what he should say ? , “I Missed you “
“Where did you disappear last week's ?“..
”Why you're not messaging me anymore ?”
They never had conversations longer than four or five lines.
He wasn’t a talkative person to begin with but lately, he found himself wanting to talk.
He caught himself getting anxious while waiting for the younger’s reply.
Then his phone buzzed. A new message.
Taehyung had sent a photo.
“Practicing for my final exam tomorrow 😵💫”
This late?
It was a photo of a plain canvas. The background looked like the art studio on Taehyung’s campus.
He’d mentioned before in one of his messages that he’d been spending a lot of time there lately, preparing for his upcoming exams.
Jin had never seen Taehyung’s paintings before — only the scattered sketchbooks and tools lying around his room that night.
He typed back:
“But you need to sleep too.”
“It’s late”
Was he planning to sleep there?
How was he going to make it home this late?
It had been raining earlier
But Taehyung didn’t reply
And Jin felt his chest tighten — anxious at the thought of the younger spending the night alone in that quiet studio.
The studio was quiet except for the soft hum of rain tapping against the window,smelled faintly of turpentine and cold air .
The windows cracked open to let in the cold evening air. Half-finished canvases leaned against the wall, the floor cluttered with brushes, sketch pads, and the mess of Taehyung’s restless creativity.
The studio was empty except for him barefoot, shirt sleeves rolled up, moonlight and outside’s road lam post light spilling across the floor.
Taehyung stood by the mirror, focused, mouthing his lines, one hand pushing his curls from his forehead.His hair had grown more longer now, curling slightly at the ends, damp with sweat.
He looked tired but glowing, alive in a way Jin hadn’t seen in weeks.
Something in Jin’s chest twisted painfully.
He didn’t notice him at first, too caught in his world , that strange mix of confidence and innocence that always made Jin’s heart ache.
Jin didn’t move. just stood there, watching quietly from the doorway, his chest tightening with every second.
There is a smudge of yellow on Taehyung’s cheek, his loose shirt sleeves are rolled-up , the faint streak of blue is still on his fingers.
He looked like chaos. Beautiful, living chaos.
And Jin, who had been holding himself together for weeks, felt something inside him unravel.
He looked… older somehow.
More beautiful
More out of reach
Ans Jin wasn’t sure what hurt more , missing him all this time, or finally seeing him again.
Taehyung turned at last, startled.
“Hyung?”
His voice echoed softly in the empty studio , surprised, breathless, almost disbelieving.
Jin froze for a heartbeat, caught by those wide eyes, by the faint sheen of sweat on Taehyung’s temple, by the way his chest rose and fell too fast.
He looked younger and older all at once his curls damp, shirt clinging to his collarbones, a silver earring glinting by his neck.
“What are you doing here?” Taehyung asked, voice low, careful , but his lips were already trembling with a smile he couldn’t hide.
“I was… passing by,” Jin said, and it was a lie even his own voice couldn’t carry.
Taehyung took a slow step closer, his barefoot soft against the wooden floor.
“you said you are about to sleep ”
The word came out barely above a whisper.but Jin can still see the soft smirk on that handsome face
“you missed me that much ?” Taehyung’s lips curved faintly, teasing ,but Jin can sense the heat in his eyes betrayed how much he wanted this too
Yeah
“I shouldn’t have come,” he murmured looking around feeling his ears getting red,
“But you did.”
That Brat
God, he missed him
He took a step closer before he could stop himself.
“You’ve grown your hair,” Jin murmured softly, reaching up. His fingers brushed through the curls, pushing them from Taehyung’s face.
Taehyung’s breath hitched
“yeah ..” he was looking at him from under those longlashes
That was all it took
A step, then another , and suddenly he was there, too close, his hand reaching before his mind could stop him, fingers brushing against the paint on the younger’s jaw.
“and you’ve got something here…” he muttered. His thumb came away streaked with green.
God, why he can’t control his body anymore
Taehyung smiled faintly pressing closer to the touch , breath catching, before his eyes moved to look at his lips
“hmm “ the younger just hummed as an answer , eyes never leaving his lips
Jin’s heart tripped. He didn’t know who moved first , maybe both at once , but then their lips met.
The first touch of their lips was hesitant, almost questioning,testing the water
Then it started to be clumsy, hastily ,desperate. Jin’s hand found the back of Taehyung’s neck, pulling him closer.
Taehyung gasped softly ,then they stumbled,Their noses bumped,Taehyung giggled softly against his mouth, his hand gripping Jin’s shirt to steady himself
“Careful…” he started, but the rest of his words were swallowed when Taehyung’s mouth found his again.
The kiss deepened , messy, desperate, teeth grazing, lips parting to breathe each other in.
Taehyung tasted faintly of something like coffee and paint;
Then something broke.
Two weeks of restraint and silence came pouring out all at once , the ache he felt, the missing…,
They stumbled again ,their feet catching on the corner of a canvas.
Jin’s hand shot out to catch him by the waist, steadying him, but instead they both went down in a quick, tangled fall half on the mat, half over each other.
“God” Jin gasped, bracing his hand to steady Taehyung’s laying body on his
“You you’re going to break my ribs.”
Taehyung just laughed, the sound breathless and bright. His curls fell over his eyes, his smile wide and unguarded.
Jin felt his heart expand when he realized it was directed to him this time
Not others
“You started it , hyung.”
Jin couldn’t help it , he chuckled too, embarassed
The sound breaking through the thick tension that had followed him for weeks. Then Taehyung’s fingers brushed his cheek,
smearing a streak of red paint there.
“Now you match me,” he whispered, grinning.
Jin didn’t answer he just dipped his head ,to print a soft kiss on those lips again
He felt Taehyung sigh in the soft kiss closing his eyes , placing his hands softly on his chest ,
They resume their kisses again , this time more softer , tender that Jin felt his heart melted with it
It was different now
Slower. Warmer
Not the hungry, reckless kind they used to steal in dark corners ,
this one lingered, like both of them were afraid of what would happen when it ended.
“Is this my good luck kiss ?”
Taehyung’s whispered in his mouth , paint-stained fingers traced his jaw, his neck, curling in his hair. The faint scent of turpentine mixed with the warmth of skin and breath.
Every brush of lips felt like a confession neither dared to say out loud.
He didn’t answer , he let his lips to talk instead
When they finally broke apart, both of them were breathing hard, cheeks flushed. Jin’s face was streaked with red and blue paint now,
Taehyung’s with a smudge of green across his nose.
They looked at each other ,a mess of color, breathless laughter erupt from their mouths again , quiet ache
“Let’s get you home ”
The rain had eased into a drizzle by the time they left the studio.
The city lights blurred across the windshield, gold and blue melting into the wet glass. The heater hummed softly, and neither of them spoke.
Taehyung sat beside him, hoodie pulled up, hair still damp from the drizzle.
His fingers played absently with the edge of his sleeve, but Jin could feel his gaze flicker toward him now and then ,
small, quiet glances that made his chest tighten all over again.
Jin’s knuckles were white on the steering wheel
He wants to talk , to starts a conversation , but he can’t find any words to begin with
Why it is so awkward when they are not kissing ?
Maybe He shouldn’t have come
He shouldn’t have kissed him again,
Because now he is close, he wants to keep kissing him
He still want to reach across the seat just to hold his hand.
Every red light felt like a lifetime , the soft hum of Taehyung’s breathing, the faint scent of paint and rain lingering between them.
When they finally pulled up in front of the Kim house, neither moved.
The headlights washed faintly over the wet gate, the familiar garden path glistening under streetlight.
“Thanks for dropping me, hyung,” Taehyung said quietly, unbuckling his seatbelt. His voice was softer now, a little shy, the kind of tone that undid Jin completely.
“Yeah…” Jin managed, his throat tight.
Taehyung hesitated, his hand on the door handle, and turned to him ,that small, half-smile that always looked like it was holding back something bigger.
“I’ll… see you soon?”
Jin nodded, though something in him twisted painfully at the words.
Soon never felt soon enough.
Taehyung reached for the handle again, but Jin’s voice stopped him.
“Tae—”
He didn’t even finish.
The name alone made Taehyung turn, eyes wide, uncertain.
And before either of them could think, Jin leaned across the small space and kissed him.
It was slow, trembling, filled with everything Jin couldn’t say.
Taehyung froze for a moment, then melted into it, his hand finding the back of Jin’s neck, thumb brushing against his skin.
The rain whispered against the windows
The world outside was still
When Jin pulled away, Taehyung’s eyes were glassy, lips parted like he wanted to speak but couldn’t.
Jin gave him a faint, helpless smile
“Good luck tommorow “
“Go inside, it’s late,” he said softly, voice shaking just enough to betray him.
Taehyung nodded slowly, then stepped out of the car, closing the door gently behind him.
Jin sat there long after he disappeared behind the gate.
The faint scent of him lingered in the car , the paint, rain, and warmth.
And for the first time in weeks, Jin smiled, though his heart ached.
Yeah this must be his bad habit now
The same comfort and safe feeling he felt whenever he touch the liquor
It’s a shame he call this a “bad habit” when he feel much better when he is close to him
He just realized how badly he had missed the younger ,
How he was missing the feeling of safe he felt when he is close to him ,
when he was kissing him like this , there is no judgment , no requirement for perfection ,
just want
Taehyung wants him , without any more demands
Yes , he wants more from the younger
His greedy heart still wants more
But on the other side , Taehyung wants him as he is
No more , no less
And Jin thought , if this was a sin, then he’d already stopped praying for forgiveness.
.