Work Text:
Another Monday. Another 8 AM lecture. Another cup of coffee to combat the misery and sleep deprivation.
“You look like shit,” Minji greets her kindly.
“I didn’t expect to look any better after four hours of sleep.” Haerin yawns, rubbing her eyes beneath her glasses. The skin of her professor's bald head gleams underneath the fluorescent lights, as if to remind her of her bright future of balding at thirty-one.
“Do you think there is a special shampoo for bald people?” Haerin mumbles.
Minji looks at her, bewildered at the sudden change of topic. “How would I know? Do I look bald to you?” Then she puts a hand against Haerin’s forehead as if to check her temperature. “Did the caffeine in your system finally fry all your brain cells?”
“Bold of you to assume that mine would be fried before yours,” Haerin deadpans, ignoring the sharp look Minji shoots at her. But before Minji can retort, their lecturer, who had finally managed to insert the USB stick into the right port, starts mumbling something incoherent into the mic.
“What did he say?” Haerin squints, before belatedly realizing that that doesn’t help with hearing.
Minji shrugs. “Just pretend like you understand something,” she whispers. “If you seem smart enough, people might think you’re hot.”
“Sure, whatever,” Haerin downs the last drops of her coffee. Then she leans back into her seat and observes the people around her.
A guy three rows in front of them is snacking away on a can of Pringles. Next to him, someone is looking up hair growth boost tutorials on YouTube. The girl right in front of them is sweating her blue hair dye out and Haerin contemplates if she should tell her that it has gotten onto the back of her shirt. Or perhaps it's some sort of fashion statement. You never know these days.
“Hey, can I have a bite?” Minji is talking to a girl in the row behind them, who stares back at Minji with a half-eaten apple in her hand.
“Do I know you?” The girl raises her eyebrows, clearly unimpressed.
“Well, you always have to start somewhere,” Minji grins, wiggling her eyebrows.
Oh god, not this again. Haerin reaches for her coffee cup, only to realize it's empty.
A beat of silence. The girl looks at Minji and Minji smiles back. And well, Haerin prays to the gods that the roof falls onto Minji's head.
“Sorry, I am not interested,” the girl says coldly, before biting into her apple again. Crunch. Haerin can almost hear Minji’s heart shatter into pieces. And that delights her.
“Get that grin off your face right now, Kang Haerin,” Minji mumbles beneath her breath, clearly embarrassed by the rejection she just faced. Haerin offers her a thumbs-up. Half encouragement, half mocking.
The rest of the lecture is pretty uneventful. The lecturer mumbles through his PowerPoint and Haerin doesn’t understand a single thing except the silence in between his words. Minji has excused herself for a bathroom break and never returned again. Either she is smoking or having a toilet breakdown, still in utter disbelief how someone could reject the Kim Minji.
Haerin learns that apple girl’s name is Hanni. And unlike Minji, she is nice and bearable.
“Does your friend do this often?” Hanni asks compassionately.
“It’s chronic I fear.” Haerin sighs. “She is not a bad person though, just a little… over-enthusiastic.”
“I see,” Hanni says before returning to her game of Tetris, and Haerin continues to people watch.
The girl in front of her is still sweating blue. The Pringles guy is wolfing down a plate of sushi. The guy next to him is going through the answers of a Reddit post titled “Can you mix Redbull with Monster?”
And suddenly, Haerin notices a new face in the crowd.
Danielle Marsh.
That's the first name and face Haerin remembered in her first semester, simply for the fact that it is inescapable. It's everywhere, from break room conversations to random Instagram posts.
“I heard that she slept with Claire’s boyfriend last night,” Haerin hears a girl beside her whisper to another girl. And Haerin isn't one to eavesdrop, but it's not her fault that they are atrociously bad at whispering.
“But I thought she was dating Marcus?” The other girl whispers back, and Haerin pretends she is busy with doodling in her notebook.
“Who knows. I wouldn't be surprised if she is two-timing.”
Three rows ahead of them, Danielle is propping her head up with an arm, blissfully unaware of this conversation. She looks good, better than anyone could possibly look for an 8 AM lecture. Light make-up, long lashes, brown eyes glimmering beneath the fluorescent lights.
But it's not like any of this is Haerin's business. They are two people from very different worlds after all.
Well, that was three hours ago. And now, it's three hours later and Haerin is deboning a fish while Danielle is breathing down her neck.
“You are good at this,” she hears Danielle say, sounding very impressed.
“Uh, thanks.” Haerin swallows, trying to steady the scalpel in her hand.
The way it happens is rather unspectacular. Haerin walked into the lab and sat down somewhere in the corner. The couple beside her were scratching each other’s backs. The girl in front of her was clinging onto her friend's arm like her life depended on it. And then there was Danielle Marsh, sitting in the front row, chatting with people, still wearing that picture-perfect smile.
Whatever, Haerin thought, I will let fate decide.
And fate was feeling a little funny that day, so of course, Danielle and she ended up being the only people not getting picked.
Arguably not the worst thing that could ever happen, Haerin likes to think that she has already been through that. She also doesn't have a personal vendetta against Danielle. She seems, well, kind and easygoing (even if Haerin is still very much intimidated by her presence).
It's just that there have been, for lack of a better word, rumors that are not exactly in Danielle's favor. To be more specific, it all started with that infamous post on the student forum that looked something like this:
STAY AWAY FROM DANIELLE MARSH!
oh my fucking god, you won't believe how annoying this little [redacted due to community guidelines] is! never does a single helpful thing during the lab (probably still drunk from last nights party), never picks up the phone when you need her, she can't even get the basic formatting for the lab protocol right! low-key hard carried her through the thing. Wish y'all's never have to go through this ever in your life 🙏🏼
Top Comment:
female born after 1993 can’t cook… all they know is be drunk, party all night long, be bisexual, eat hot chip & lie [75 likes]
Again, nothing personal against Danielle, it's just that Haerin is still traumatized by her last lab partner who walked into the lab with a half empty flask of vodka in his hand and proceeded to puke all over their plant samples.
Yes, Haerin has seen worse, that's why she hopes that this year will be much better.
“Need a hand?” Danielle leans a little closer and Haerin can smell the faint perfume on her skin, a hint of something citrusy.
“Could you hold the tweezers?” Haerin’s eyes are still fixed on the dissection tray.
If there is one thing that no one had ever dared to deny, it's the fact that Danielle is charming. And Haerin would be lying if she said the look from her big brown eyes doesn't affect her.
But they are in the middle of a dissection lab. The whole room smells like disinfectant and dead fish. There are weird, sticky juices on Haerin's gloves. Everything screams death, not romance.
“Sure thing.” Danielle takes the tweezers from her hand, and Haerin tries to ignore the tingling sensation on the spot where Danielle’s fingers brush hers. “Anything else?”
“That's all.” Haerin jams the scalpel back in place. Danielle’s hand is surprisingly steady for someone supposedly chronically hungover. “Thanks.”
“It's nothing.” Danielle smiles, and it's the first time Haerin sees it up close. It's warm, genuine, and Haerin feels weird when she stares at it for too long.
“I don't care that it happened to you.” Minji takes an aggressive bite from her chocolate croissant, still sulking over Hanni's rejection. “It should have happened to me.”
“It's your fault that you didn't take the lab this year,” Haerin says, stirring the milk into her coffee. “Otherwise, it might have been you.”
Minji perks up. “So, doesn't this mean you have her number now?”
“I am not giving you her number,” Haerin deadpans. “Unlike some people, I have morals.”
“Hey, I am just being resourceful!” Minji protests. “Besides, I am just happy that you finally have something interesting going on in your life besides people and bird watching.”
Haerin takes a sip from her coffee. “I like my uneventful life.”
“Haerin, this is university, not a retirement home.” Minji sighs.
“Well, yes, Minji, this is university, not a rollercoaster.” Haerin stretches her legs, feeling her bones crack in the process. She might as well retire right now.
“You are boring,” Minji whines. “Let’s go back to talking about Danielle.”
“What is there to talk about?”
Minji leans closer, her eyes wide in curiosity. “Like, how is she in person? Mean? Nice? Stoned?”
“Bearable, I suppose.” The image of Danielle’s smile has been haunting her since Monday.
“Stop serving me nothing burgers. I need the juice!” Minji urges on, like an impatient toddler.
“Minji, I have only known her for about two hours.” Haerin calmly empties her cup of coffee. “The only juice I can offer you is dead fish mucus.”
“Fine, whatever.” Minji finally backs off. “Just remember to tell me when you finally get to the part of making out or tearing each other's hair out.”
“We are not going to do any of that,” Haerin says firmly. “Unlike some people, we are civilized.”
“Hey, why are you being so mean today?”
“Thanks, I always am.” Haerin smiles. “Also, apple girl from this morning thinks you’re pathetic.”
Minji groans and buries her face into her palms. Zero-one, another win for Kang Haerin.
To Haerin's surprise, things are going better than expected.
Unlike the rumors, Danielle is… consistently bearable.
She doesn't go missing for half a week only to tell Haerin an hour before the deadline that she can't make it. She doesn't almost drop the scalpel onto Haerin's feet and then accuses Haerin of standing in her way.
Instead, she comes into the lab prepared and listens to instructions, and most importantly, she puts effort into the things she is doing.
“You're not so bad yourself.” Haerin is standing beside Danielle and watching her carefully separate the iris from the eye, impressed by the precision of Danielle’s cuts.
“You think so?” Danielle looks up, weirdly excited about the offhand compliment. Haerin doesn't get it. As someone who is basically drowning in love letters and unwanted DMs, something as small as this shouldn't even matter to Danielle anymore.
But it does, and Haerin doesn't get it.
“I think she might be into you.” Minji isn't drunk, but she constantly talks like she is.
Haerin ignores her, as always, and opens the document she shares with Danielle.
That's the other thing about Danielle. She gets her work done efficiently. Apart from the occasional typo, there is nothing Haerin can complain about. Correct formatting, appropriate citation style, neutral academic register. Everything she has seen so far is nothing like the stories she has heard. Emojis as punctuation marks? Pink text and Comic Sans? Nowhere in sight.
The only thing that concerns Haerin is Danielle’s ungodly working schedule. Yesterday it's 2:10 AM, the day before it's 3:45 AM. And today, Haerin sees Danielle’s cursor blinking on the document at 6:15 AM, the change history tells Haerin that Danielle had been working on it since 4:40 AM.
Haerin looks at the blinking cursor longer than she should, and Danielle notices. She always does.
hi :)
A text appears just above Haerin’s cursor. Haerin leans forward, her fingers hovering above the keyboard before finally typing a response.
How are you alive? You have been awake since 4AM…
superpowers 🔥
Danielle writes back. She is a slow typer, only slightly quicker than a granny squinting her eyes at the keyboard. It's strangely endearing, though Haerin thinks it should worry her more than it does.
Also, atrocious choice of emoji. Is she a millennial or what?
what about you? why are you awake?
Anatomy class. I got into the 6:30 AM group.
poor thing :(
“Dang, who got you smiling like that at six in the morning?” Minji asks groggily. “Care to share with the class?”
“You look like a raccoon,” Haerin says and uses the time Minji hurriedly fixes her make-up with the phone camera to respond to Danielle.
Sorry, class is starting soon
oh shoot. good luck, don’t pass out 🍀
I will try
“Look, you are totally smiling like an idiot,” Minji's agitating voice returns and Haerin closes her eyes and holds back the urge to stomp on her brand-new Doc Martens.
“Do you have a problem with that?” she says after a deep breath.
Minji grins. “You are in love, honey.”
“Apple girl told me you tripped over your leg when you walked past her in the hallway yesterday.”
Minji groans and knocks her head against the wall beside her. Zero-two, Kim Minji has no chance against her.
Later that day, Haerin walks into the lab and sees Danielle zoning out in her seat. Expression empty, eyes tired.
“Thought you might need it.” Haerin places an energy drink in front of her. Danielle shoots up, almost as if startled.
“Sorry, didn't mean to scare you.”
“No, no, I was just spacing out,” Danielle laughs. Then she picks up the can and examines it. Carrot flavor, zero sugar.
“How did you know this was my favorite?” Danielle asks, strangely hopeful. But it could also just be Haerin's sleep deprivation talking.
“It’s quite easy to remember when the flavor is so… unique,” Haerin says matter-of-factly. “I have never seen a person beside you drink it.”
“It's good,” Danielle says while cracking the can open in one swift motion.
Hot.
Wait, what is she thinking?
Maybe Haerin should really listen to Minji and take those sleep gummies because she is clearly starting to act strange.
“Want a sip?” Danielle offers. Casual, like she is just asking Haerin for the time.
Oh god, brain stop, she is not flirting with you. She is just being nice. Haerin bites the insides of her cheeks, trying to regain some control over the sleep-deprived mind.
“No thanks, I prefer coffee.”
“To each their own.” Danielle shrugs and takes a sip from her drink, finally letting Haerin breathe.
You are in love, honey.
Haerin bites back a groan and sinks into her seat.
I am not. I am just appreciative.
It doesn't take much for Danielle to become more than just bearable.
Maybe it's when their heads accidentally knock against each other when trying to take a peek into the microscope, and they almost tear up from trying to hold their laughs in. Or maybe it’s when Danielle waits for her to finish packing her bags and they walk down the empty hallways, complaining about whatever there was to complain about. The couple that couldn’t keep their hands off each other, the guy who ate the suspicious M&M he found in the back of a storage shelf, the professor who thinks that not addressing him with his full academic title is a personal insult.
And now, suddenly, Haerin almost looks forward to seeing her again.
“By the way, tell your strange friend to return my ballpoint pen by Friday,” Hanni says as she takes the seat next to Haerin. Now that Minji isn't showing up to the lecture anymore, it's usually Hanni who sits beside her.
“Did she rob you for attention?” Not very likely, but not impossible.
“I sat next to her during an exam,” Hanni sighs. “And her pen ran out of ink.”
“Well, that's nice of you,” Haerin says, the straw of her Iced Americano between her teeth. “I would've just left her to her own devices if I were you.”
Hanni laughs. “I am not that cruel.”
“You should be,” Haerin lowers her voice and whispers, almost like a warning. “Or she might get the wrong idea.”
“I think she already did,” Hanni sighs, again. But before Haerin can ask for any details, a familiar voice cuts her off.
“Is anyone sitting here already?” Warm, gentle, unmistakably Danielle.
Haerin looks up and sees Danielle drowning in an oversized hoodie. Pink fits her, Haerin thinks. Not that her opinion matters anyway.
“It’s empty.” Haerin swallows, her throat suddenly feeling dry.
She can feel Hanni’s curious gaze on her, but thankfully, she doesn’t say anything. Instead, she turns her attention back to her half-finished game of Wordle after greeting Danielle with a polite nod.
“Coffee for breakfast?” Danielle looks at the empty cup on the desk, then back at Haerin. “In fact, I don’t remember ever seeing you without a coffee in your hand.”
“Habit,” Haerin says, her hand instinctively reaching for the empty cup. By now, the people around them have already caught onto Danielle’s presence and started whispering to each other. Not loud enough for Haerin to catch any actual words, but just enough for her to imagine what they could be.
But Danielle doesn’t seem to be affected in any way. She pulls out her favorite college block and writes down the date with her favorite carrot ballpoint pen. Then she looks up again and smiles at Haerin, like it’s the easiest thing in the world.
Whatever, Haerin decides it’s best not to dwell on anything. Not on the whispers, nor on Danielle’s smile.
After the lecture, they walk to the library together to work on a group presentation. Haerin used to hate group projects, but Danielle makes it just a bit more bearable.
“The social hierarchy observed in campus pigeons,” Danielle reads the title of an article she has found in an old magazine and smiles at Haerin. “You wrote this one, right?”
Haerin looks over Danielle's shoulder, the article she wrote in her freshman year stares back at her. The same one that earned her the nickname “birdwatching girl”, since all she did for an entire semester of freshman year was follow pigeons around and watch them pick up breadcrumbs from the floor. Probably one of the reasons why she has no friends besides Minji. (Who is objectively a loser. Haerin means it as a compliment.)
“Didn't expect that they would still have that artefact lying around here,” Haerin mutters, suddenly embarrassed by the idea that someone out there has laid eyes on her embarrassing passion project.
“I remember reading it when it just came out,” Danielle says, and Haerin is suddenly painfully aware of how close they are standing. Shoulders almost brushing but not quite. But she doesn't back away. “I was surprised how engaging it was, despite the dry title,” she adds with a laugh.
“Thanks.” Haerin responds coyly, suddenly feeling her ears getting warm. “But you are probably one of the only people that didn't fall asleep reading it.”
“You think so?”
“Yeah, probably.”
“I don't think so,” Danielle smiles, and Haerin's heart skips a beat. “I think it's wonderful that someone has put so much work into something seemingly so small and insignificant.”
Haerin wants to say something, but nothing comes out. It feels weirdly uncomfortable, almost as if Danielle is pinching her heart apart with a pair of tweezers and taking a good look at it. This is your left ventricle, she points out to Haerin, I know exactly where it is.
Weird, uncomfortable, but strangely, Haerin doesn't hate it.
“Give Hanni her ballpoint pen back by Friday,” Haerin relays the message to Minji who visibly flinches at the mention of the name.
“Do I have to do it personally…”
“Well,” Haerin raises an eyebrow. “Now you are making me curious.”
Minji smacks her forehead against the table and lets out a small whimper. “I tried to ask her out.”
“Your determination is honestly impressive.”
“I can’t help that she is totally my type!” Minji lifts her head again. There is a red mark on the spot where her head hit the table. Haerin wonders if she should tell her how ridiculous she looks right now.
“Uninterested, unimpressed, unmoved?”
“Stop, please, stop.” Minji puts her hand into a T-shape. “Let's not talk about me. Talk about you.”
Haerin picks up her cup. “Well, nothing new on my end.”
“By that you mean still stuck in pinning jail?”
Haerin sighs. “How many times do I have to tell you that there is nothing going on between me and Danielle.”
“Well, the student forum definitely doesn't think so.” Minji flips her phone around and shows Haerin the newest post on the forum.
New campus couple????
I thought Danielle and Marcus were seeing each other but like she totally wants that weird bird watching girl’s cookie?
Attached is an image of Danielle and Haerin walking out of the library, sun falling onto their faces. Haerin seems to be in the middle of explaining something, and Danielle is smiling at her. Almost like she is really… in love. (Just to be clear, Haerin was just explaining how to identify the leader of a pigeon flock, not reciting Shakespeare’s sonnets.)
Haerin panickily scrolls down to the comment section.
Comments:
dang, she is really switching up her game [70 likes]
didn't think she would be into losers [60 likes]
trading Marcus for this… is she fr… [55 likes]
We love Lesbanese [5 likes]
“I am doomed.” She sinks back into her seat, feeling every last bit of will to life leave her body. “I am beyond doomed.”
“Why doomed?” Minji frees her phone from Haerin's death grip. “They seem supportive.”
“What about that screams supportive to you?”
“Well, look,” Minji points at the comment on the bottom with a meek like-count of five. “You are basically their Meghan and Harry.”
“Minji, I recognize your username.”
“Oops.”
Her. Danielle. Dating rumors. Her mind spins and spins before landing squarely back on Danielle's face, in the sun, smiling.
And the worst part is, there is a part of her that isn't appalled by this misunderstanding. A part of her that almost wishes this wasn't just a rumor.
“I hate my life,” Haerin mutters, leaning against the wall, hoping that its coldness would provide some comfort.
It doesn't. She still sees Danielle's face when she closes her eyes.
“Hard times, huh.” Minji's voice reeks of victory, but Haerin would never admit her defeat. It's still zero-two, Kang Haerin will defeat the devil someday.
The days pass without missing a beat. Haerin sits in her classes and stares at pixelated images of eukaryotic cells, trying her best not to think about Danielle.
“You look dead,” Minji is back again, now sitting right between her and Hanni. They seem to have gotten closer since the ballpoint incident, but Haerin doesn't have the energy to dig for details.
“I am.” Haerin slumps against the table. “You are talking to my ghost.”
Danielle doesn't show up for the lecture today, much to Haerin's relief. The whispers don't stop, but Haerin is slowly learning how to tune them out.
However, she also can't completely dodge Danielle. They are still lab partners after all.
“Careful.”
She snaps out of her trance. Danielle is holding her by the wrist. Above them, the fluorescent lights buzz.
Haerin blinks, once.
“Don’t cut yourself,” Danielle says, a worried frown on her face, her fingers still curled around Haerin's wrist.
Haerin looks down, the blade of her scalpel dangerously close to her finger. “Thanks,” she mutters.
“Is everything alright?” Danielle asks, wordlessly taking the scalpel from Haerin's hand.
“It's nothing,” Haerin says, still feeling a little dizzy. “Just a bit tired.”
She wonders if Danielle has seen that post, and if she did, what she thinks about it. Appalled, offended, or the same weird mix of everything that Haerin is feeling right now?
Haerin doesn't know. Danielle's calm and focused expression doesn't tell her anything she wants to know.
***
Danielle doesn't think Haerin likes her very much.
It's not that she is actively being mean in any way. No, it's different from the baseless rumors and strange looks she gets in the hallway.
Haerin is actually quite the opposite. She always greets Danielle and buys Danielle energy drinks and offers the hairband on her wrist when Danielle needs one.
Haerin is kind, and that kindness is uncomplicated. She doesn't do it because she wants Danielle's number. Or because she is trying to embarrass Danielle in some way. No, she sees Danielle beyond the rumors and lies, as just a human being. Someone with a steady hand and good eyes, someone who is patient, someone who she feels comfortable sharing strange hyperfixations with.
But lately, Haerin has been growing more and more distant. Not to the point where it is painfully obvious, but it's there, in the fleeting gazes, in the short responses, in the stuffy air lingering inside the lab room.
And now as she stares at the forum post, it all starts to make sense.
“What have I done….”
“Well, it's not really your fault, right?” Hyein offers a few reassuring back pats. “It's their fault for reading too much into everything.”
“But I should have known!” Danielle grabs Hyein by the shoulders. “I should have known that I would get her into trouble!”
“Ok, deeep breaths, remember, in and out-”
“I am so stupid! What if she hates me for the rest of her life now!”
“She is a Taurus, right?” Hyein grabs Danielle by the face and finally manages to get her under control. “Tauruses don’t hold grudges. Scorpios do.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” Hyein nods firmly. “I am an expert on these matters.”
“Ok, that’s good.” Danielle chooses to believe, because it's worse than imagining a world where Haerin despises her.
That afternoon, Haerin shows up with a cold to their library meeting. Nose red, eyes teary, and this strange feeling of guilt rises in Danielle’s throat.
What if it’s not just a simple cold? Maybe Haerin was stressing over the comments on the post. Maybe Haerin was losing sleep over the people whispering behind her back. Maybe this is all Danielle’s fault. For being careless, for disregarding Haerin's feelings.
“Are you really okay…” Danielle watches Haerin sneeze into the crook of her arm, and flinches, almost as if she is witnessing a trainwreck that could have been her fault. It’s the uncertainty that torments her.
“Yeah, it’s nothing,” Haerin says, her voice hoarse but still calm as ever. “I forgot to close the window last night.”
“Oh, that’s not good.” It puts Danielle’s mind at ease, if just for a little bit. “You should have stayed home if you weren’t feeling well.”
Haerin sniffles. “I needed some fresh air anyway.”
Danielle doesn’t point out the irony that Haerin just slept with an open window last night (which means she probably got plenty of fresh air already). Instead, she lowers her eyes to the bright display of her laptop and chews on her bottom lip, wondering how she should even begin her apology.
Hey, I am sorry! I know it really sucks right? Please don’t be angry. (Haha.)
No, no, that’s terrible.
Hey, you could stab me with the scalpel next Monday if you want. I won't stop you.
Hm, maybe a tad bit too brutal.
“Danielle?” Haerin’s voice cuts through the silence. “Everything alright?”
“Yeah, yup.” Danielle forces a smile. “Couldn’t be any better!”
Haerin is still looking at her, and for a moment, Danielle thinks she has already seen through her. But then Haerin averts her gaze and the world returns to silence.
So, that's how she ends up being awake at 3 AM, hunched over her laptop with thirty open tabs.
best phrases to use in formal apologies
tutorial: hacking into school forum 101
is time travel real?
how to time travel to undo mistake
Danielle lets out a sound that's between a scream and a groan. How is it possible that time travel isn't real in a day and age of air fryers?
She sighs, closing all thirty tabs before jumping back to her shared document with Haerin.
Anonymous Cat is currently modifying this document.
Haerin’s cursor blinks above hers.
Danielle swallows, her fingers already typing out the words before she can process them.
Hey, I am really sorry.
For what?
The post… I saw it.
Oh
There is a momentary pause before Haerin continues typing.
It’s not your fault anyway.
But still… sorry. I will try to clear the misunderstanding somehow!
It’s really not a big issue. Don’t worry.
Just as Danielle is about to type her response, she sees a new line of text appear.
Sleep well. Pulling all-nighters isn’t good for your liver :p
And why does that make Danielle's heart go into flight or fight mode?
***
It’s stupid, Haerin knows. It shouldn’t mean so much to her.
But she stares at Danielle’s blinking cursor and wonders if that’s the end of everything.
No more staying up past 1 AM and wondering if this means anything to Danielle. No more wishing that this could be more than it really is. No more dissecting every little moment for something that was never there in the first place.
I will clear the misunderstanding somehow!
That’s right, it was never real in the first place. From the beginning, it was just Haerin overthinking everything.
Whatever. Haerin sighs. It will pass someday.
“Baby’s first heartbreak?” Minji’s voice is even more irritating than usual.
Haerin glares at her, but there is no clever response she can come up with.
“What happened?” As if sensing the shift in her behavior, Minji's expression falters. And that’s even worse. Because that means that Haerin actually looks like she is going through something. Horrible. Haerin wishes the floor could swallow her.
“Nothing,” Haerin finally sighs. “That’s the point.”
“What do you mean that’s the-”
Hanni cuts Minji off by jamming her elbow into her ribs. Minji lets out a loud yelp that makes the girl in front of them turn around and give them a confused look. But at this point, Haerin doesn’t even care anymore.
“Here you go.” Hanni hands Haerin a handful of sweets, her favorite salt lemon flavored hard candies. “Minji said you liked these.”
“Thank you.” Haerin tries to smile. It works a bit better this time. “I just want you to know that Minji has done nothing to deserve you.”
“Hey, why do I get dragged into this again!”
Everything returns to how it is supposed to be. Cold fluorescent lights, the smell of disinfectant, the metallic glare of the scalpel. Danielle stands beside her, brows furrowed in concentration as she removes the surrounding tissues, and Haerin tries to forget the warmth of her hand against her wrist.
This will pass. Eventually. Like all things do.
New update
Ok, so did Danielle just ditch that nerd for Marcus again? Like they are totally back together right?
Attached is an image of them walking side by side down the hallway, arms intertwined.
Danielle is smiling at him and he is smiling back.
Comments:
I knew that she and that nerd wouldn't last long [70 likes]
Haha, Danielle totally just played her [60 likes]
Like I hate that [redacted] but her and Marcus are definitely a better match (both annoying as fuck) [49 likes]
i will miss my favorite lebians… [5 likes]
“Hey, sorry, but Marcus is picking me up for a date today,” Danielle tells her with an apologetic smile. “So, see you next week?”
“Yeah.” Haerin nods, trying to hide her disappointment. “Have fun.”
“I will try.” Danielle is still smiling, but the edges are faltering. Or maybe it's Haerin's sleep deprivation again.
Danielle is still nice and all sunshine. But now, she is consciously trying to keep her distance. Haerin knows this is for her own good, and Danielle probably also doesn't want people (or her boyfriend) to get the wrong idea.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't sting when Danielle pulls her hand back when their fingers accidentally brush while trying to adjust the microscope.
“Ok, so let's analyze the tea.” Minji is sitting on the rug in Hanni's apartment, holding her old Barbie dolls in her hand. “So, this is you. And you like Danielle.”
“Maybe, probably.” Haerin sighs. “Also, why am I bald?” The doll in Minji's hand looks like it has just barley survived a car crash. Fitting for her emotional state, but also kind of offensive.
“You may be bald, but you are also stronger,” Minji says firmly, before picking up another doll. Full, luscious brown hair. “And this is Danielle. It girl. Icon. Probably bisexual but definitely very confusing.”
“She is bisexual,” Hanni says nonchalantly as she leans back in her armchair. “I made out with her once in freshman year.”
Minji’s jaw drops. Haerin's eyes almost fall out of their socket.
“But… but you said you are straight…” Haerin hears Minji say. And maybe someone on this earth does have it worse than her.
“Anyway, unimportant,” Hanni continues, as if she hasn't just shown two Victorian children a toaster for the first time. “Point is, you like Danielle, but Danielle seems to be back with Marcus.”
“No, Hanni lets take a step back-”
Hanni cuts Minji off mid-sentence. “And she seems weirdly distant lately, which bugs you.”
“Yeah.” Haerin swallows, trying not to dwell on the fact that, well, Hanni and Danielle have made out, or how it makes her get that weird feeling in her stomach. The same one she gets when she sees Danielle walking next to Marcus.
Besides, there is someone who is processing this information worse than her.
“Made out….” Minji is staring at the patterns on the carpet like she had just witnessed a beheading.
Haerin gives Minji a pat on the shoulder before continuing. “I just wish that things could return to how they were before…”
Hanni puts a finger against her chin, as if deep in thought. But before she can share her wisdom with Haerin, Minji gets up from the floor and marches towards the door.
Hanni gets up and chases after her. “Hey, where are you going-”
“Drink,” Minji says firmly. “I need a drink.”
Haerin sighs and gets up from the couch, almost tripping over the bald Barbie in the process.
***
The plan goes well, and everyone thinks she is back to dating Marcus, which means that they will finally stop bothering Haerin.
“But I don’t get it.” Danielle takes a bite from the carrot stick Hyein offers her. “It almost seems like she is disappointed…”
Hyein sips on her milkshake and looks at Danielle. “Have you ever considered that she might be into you?”
“Impossible,” Danielle sighs, letting her head fall to the table. “She isn’t even into girls.”
“Danielle, she walks around in flannels and jorts.”
“Yeah, but one time I brought up the ‘Handmaiden’ during the lab and she looked at me like I had just slaughtered a pig in front of her.”
“How do you even-” Hyein sighs. “Anyway, are you trying to say that you think she is homophobic?”
“No, she isn’t!” Danielle shoots up, suddenly getting defensive. “She has a rainbow sticker on her laptop! And that one time we saw a lesbian couple pass us in the hallway, she smiled at them when they said hi!”
“Ok, so she is into girls?”
“No, I don’t think she is-”
“Gooshhh,” Hyein groans. “Why are you making everything so complicated?”
“Because I don’t get it!”
“Yeah, but why do you care so much?” Hyein squints, and Danielle suddenly feels queasy.
Of course, she has always assumed that Haerin isn’t into her because it seemed impossible that someone as smart and calm and cool as Haerin would be into her. A hot mess that never knows what it wants. A hot mess that overthinks every message she sends to people. Hot, but still a mess.
But what if Haerin is into her? Totally unlikely, but what if-
“I think you should just ask her-”
Danielle jumps up. “Marcus is calling me! I gotta go!”
A lie. Marcus only Snapchats people.
Marcus’s sweaty bangs are sticking to his forehead when Danielle finds him sitting on the bench, watching his teammates kick the ball around.
“You smell,” Danielle says when she plops down next to him.
“Well, keep your distance then.” He runs a hand through his hair, unimpressed by Danielle’s presence. “Why are you here anyway?”
“I am your girlfriend.” Danielle drags out the last word, almost as if to remind herself rather than Marcus. “Why shouldn't I be here?”
Marcus sighs, his eyes still fixed on the guys running through the field. Some of them shirtless, chest hair out and about. Gross, Danielle wants to stab her eyes out.
“You know, I wanted to tell you something anyway,” he finally says, voice suddenly growing softer. Then he looks at Danielle, his expression uncharacteristically serious. “I don’t think I can keep this up anymore… this game of pretend.”
Fuck, don't tell me he is going to confess.
Danielle wants to puke. She might as well run into that tree in the corner. Maybe then she won't have to deal with any of this anymore.
“I think we have to stop running away from ourselves.” Marcus is still looking at her, his voice low and serious. “You and me.”
“What do you mean…?”
Marcus takes a deep breath, then he says it.
“I am gay.”
Oh.
So, not that kind of confession.
“Congratulations?” Is she allowed to tell him that it has been obvious since day one or is that considered offensive?
Marcus sighs. “Ok, anyway. My point is you have to stop running too.”
“I am not running-”
“Figuratively.” Marcus rolls his eyes. “Metaphor or whatever you call it.”
“Oh, wow.” Danielle looks at him. Impressed. “Who taught you that word?”
“I am not stupid, Danielle,” Marcus huffs. “Anyway, that's all from me.”
He gets up from the beach and stretches himself. Somewhere in the distance, a guy is waving at Marcus. His short hair ruffled in the wind, his smile bright and warm.
Marcus waves back before looking over his shoulder, back at Danielle. “The rest is for yourself to figure out.”
***
Haerin hates this. She doesn't even know why she came along in the first place.
The music is loud and obnoxious. The people are loud and obnoxious. Everything smells like smoke and alcohol. Someone almost pukes on her shoes. She almost trips over someone's leg.
The bartender is nice, at least. She offers Haerin a kind smile and a glass of orange juice.
Minji and Hanni are standing by the beer pong table in the corner, facing each other off for a serious one-on-one match.
“I would never make out with a loser like you!” Hanni's ball misses Minji's cups and smashes into her face. Haerin doesn't think it was an accident.
“Ok, but you didn't have to lie to me!” Minji recovers from the murder attempt and picks up a ball, aiming suspiciously high.
“I didn't lie!” Hanni shouts back over the music, unaware of the silent audience they have attracted. Even the bartender is shooting glances in their direction. “I was just in my bicurious phase!”
Haerin thinks one of them is going to be dead by the end of the night.
“Alone here?” Some annoying guy is trying to hit on her. Haerin hates the sound of his voice and the smell of his perfume.
Suddenly, she sees a familiar face in the crowd.
Danielle Marsh.
The Danielle Marsh that lives rent-free in everyone's mind. The Danielle Marsh who seemingly can get everyone in the world but still gets excited over every small compliment from Haerin. The Danielle Marsh who is dancing with Marcus right now, all sunshine, all smiley.
Ouch. Haerin feels a sharp pain running through her ribcage. Or maybe it's her heart. Maybe she should get an EKG done soon. Nothing would be worse than dying from a heart attack, just like Minji had predicted.
The guy beside her is still nagging on. Hey, cutie can I have your number? What's your favorite color? Do you listen to Nirvana? Haerin's eyes are fixed on Danielle. Her hair dances with her movements, her skirt flutters like it has grown wings.
Marcus looks like a piece of cardboard in comparison. And, did he just dab?
“Hey, cutie are you even listening-”
“I think you should pull your pants up.” Haerin finally looks at the guy begging for her attention. “Your butt crack is showing.”
Someone lets out a laugh. Haerin looks up. Danielle is standing right beside her. Rosy cheeks, big brown eyes, arm almost touching hers.
“What did you just say-”
“Pull your pants up.” Danielle shoots him a cold glare, her voice growing low and threatening. “Capiche?”
Scary, but weirdly hot. Haerin needs help.
“Damn. Could have just said you’re a lesbian,” the guy grumbles, shuffling away like an offended toddler.
“Men.” Danielle sighs before smiling at Haerin. Easy, casual. “Everything alright?”
“Yeah.” Haerin nods. Wait, is that a heart attack she is feeling right now? Shit, she hoped that she would have at least made it to twenty-one.
Danielle orders some fancy cocktail that frankly sounds like a mumble jumble of words to Haerin. Then Danielle turns to look at her. “Mind some company?”
“No,” Haerin says, searching for Marcus in the crowd. “But does your boyfriend not mind?”
Danielle shrugs, pointing at Marcus, who is currently grinding against another guy. “He prefers dancing with other dudes anyway.”
“Huh.” Confident in his sexuality? Asserting dominance? Open relationship? You never know these days. Haerin is out of the loop with modern dating culture anyway.
Minji and Hanni are playing dodgeball with ping pong balls, laughing like idiots. Marcus whispers something into the DJ’s ear and then winks at Danielle, who playfully rolls her eyes.
“Wanna dance?” Danielle leans against the bar table, her cheeks redder than they were before. In the background, an ABBA song starts playing and the lights dim.
“With you?” Haerin asks, almost hopeful.
“Yeah, me.” There is a strand of hair sticking to Danielle's forehead. Haerin's hand itches. “You and me.”
“Oh.” Haerin takes a sip from her non-alcoholic beverage, hoping for some sort of placebo effect to settle in. This is high percentage vodka, may it give you courage.
“Sure,” she finally says. What's there to lose anyway?
She takes Danielle's hand and lets herself be dragged onto the dance floor.
“You're good at this,” Danielle says, seemingly surprised that Haerin isn't tripping over her own feet.
“I took some dance classes when I was younger,” Haerin answers sheepishly.
“Ballroom?”
“No.” Haerin gives Danielle a twirl. “Hip-hop.”
“Oh, wow,” Danielle laughs. “Unexpected.”
“And you?” Haerin asks, her hand back on Danielle's waist. It isn't a firm touch but enough to make her feel the heat radiating off Danielle's body. “Just naturally talented?“
“One may say I am full of surprise.” Danielle dips Haerin back and laughs when Haerin lets out a small squeal. “Oh wait, I wanna show you something!”
She drags Haerin by the hand and leads her to a door at the other end of the room. They make it past Minji and Hanni, who are being scolded by the bartender for almost breaking an expensive vase. Past Marcus, who is slow dancing with a guy half a head smaller than him.
Danielle smiles as she steps aside to let Haerin in. “Ex-employee privileges. They just let me chill here if I want to.”
It's a small break room of sorts. One couch, one table, one fridge. Danielle motions for Haerin to sit down on the couch and walks towards the fridge.
“Fancy some ice cream?” Danielle rummages around. “They got Ben&Jerry's, ice pops, some sort of ice cream sandwich and…”
“Ice pop is fine,” Haerin says, suddenly not knowing what to do with her hands. In the cold light from the fridge, she notices that Danielle's makeup is sort of smokey and bolder than what she usually wears.
“Your makeup looks nice,” Haerin comments, pretending like it doesn't make her go slightly feral. God, I am not your strongest soldier.
“You think so?” Danielle leans a bit closer so that Haerin can have a better look at her face. “Marcus helped me with it!”
Ouch. Now it feels like she had just swallowed a big clump of rocks. Haerin takes the strawberry flavored ice pop from Danielle hand and tries to ignore all the concerning signs her body is sending. Maybe she should really stop drinking coffee soon
“Here with friends?” Danielle asks, ripping the wrapper off her ice cream bar. “Or just roaming around?”
“I came with two friends, but I think they are too busy killing each other to notice that I'm missing.” She wonders if Minji and Hanni are still alive at this point. Or maybe someone had already called the cops before an extreme act of violence could happen.
“Kinda sucks when people just forget about you,” Danielle says, something unreadable flashing across her face. Haerin has a feeling that this isn't about herself. Maybe Danielle has been there before, alone, forgotten, but unlike Haerin, that's something she dislikes.
“But I have you now,” Haerin says, biting into her ice pop. It crunches between her molars. “And freezer-burned ice pops.”
Danielle looks at her, eyes big and glossy. The light above them flickers. Haerin can barely even taste the artificial strawberry on her tongue anymore.
Danielle opens her mouth, closes it again. Doesn't say anything.
Outside, Minji and Hanni are mopping the floor as punishment for getting the ping pong balls all over the place. Marcus nearly sets his hair on fire while trying to borrow a light for a cigarette. But Haerin doesn't get to witness any of this. Instead, she is alone with Danielle, sitting on the same couch, their shoulders almost touching.
“Sorry, I have to leave soon.” Haerin looks at the clock on the wall. It's almost midnight.
Danielle nods. “See you around… I guess.”
“Yeah… see you,” Haerin says, slowly getting up from the couch. She doesn't dare to look at Danielle. She thinks if she does, she will never be able to leave again.
Suddenly, a hand grabs her wrist. It's cold and shivering.
“Can… I kiss you?”
The clock keeps ticking over the muffled music and Haerin's heartbeat.
Did she hear that right?
“Like…” Haerin gulps. “French… greeting style? Merci beaucoup?”
Oh, god, what is she even saying?
“I guess… something like that…” Danielle stutters. “For… good omen. Or something.”
Maybe it's some sort of party girl ritual. Something spiritual, astrology, star sign, light a candle. Whatever.
“Uh…sure.. if it's part of the routine…”
Like what's the worst thing that could happen? It's just probably just a small peck on the cheeks for good luck-
Danielle kisses her. Squarely on the lips.
“Goodnight,” Danielle whispers when she pulls back.
Then she runs off before Haerin can respond.
What just happened?
Haerin can barely even feel the floor beneath her feet.
But the taste of Danielle's cherry lipstick lingers.
***
I kissed her.
Hyein
WHAT?
WHO?
WHERE?
WHAT?
Hairin.
“Goddammit autocorrect,” Danielle mutters beneath her breath.
*Haerin
Hyein
ON THE LIPS???
on the lips.
i fucked up so badly.
Danielle closes her eyes, feeling herself sink into the mattress.
First semester, freshman year, Danielle made friends with a group of girls who didn't seem to really like her.
It started subtly, small comments about her hair and outfit, conversations she had no place in, but never without a smile that made her question whether or not she was taking this the wrong way. So, Danielle stayed with them because it meant she still belonged somewhere.
Then the second semester rolled around and Danielle landed in the same lab as one of their boyfriends. One thing about him, he wore his pants lower than a skater in the 90s and there wasn't a single likable thing about him.
Danielle could not stand him ever since the first time he tagged along during one of their nights out. He was so full of himself that Danielle thinks that one day his ego would pop him like a balloon.
She doesn't use the word hate easily, but if there is one person that she hates with a burning passion, it's him and his unfunny jokes and lack of self-awareness.
And with Danielle's luck, she, of course, ends up being paired up with him for the lab.
The details are unimportant; Danielle also doesn't want to remind herself of all the horrors she had to go through. Fact is, his ego was so frail that when Danielle told him that he was holding the scalpel wrong he threw a tantrum like a three-year-old being told that Dino nuggets are actually made of chicken. But because Danielle notoriously hates confrontation, she just let him be, as long as he still showed up for the lab.
Still freshman year, Danielle spends most of her time sitting in libraries and has silent breakdowns over the mess in the shared document. Comic Sans, emojis, his phone number with a text beneath it that reads “i know you want me.”
Danielle wishes guillotines were still a thing, since nothing else seems to work.
A gentle “no” doesn't work, a direct “no” doesn't bother him and the last time Danielle told his girlfriend to keep an eye out for him, she was convinced that he cheated on her with Danielle and told everyone about it. She tried a second time, only to be told that she had been officially kicked out of the friend group.
Afterwards, all kinds of rumors started to circulate about her. Stealing people's boyfriends, being a horrible lab partner. Danielle doesn't even have to guess who started them.
She closes her eyes, trying to momentarily forget everything she has to deal with. The student forum littered with rumors about her, the glances she gets in the hallway, the hushed whispers behind her back. The only comfort left is that she knows that the semester is almost coming to an end and she won't have to speak to that guy ever again.
And when she opens her eyes again, she sees Haerin for the first time.
Danielle still remembers the blue of the sky, the green of the grass and Haerin in the middle of everything, holding a camera to a pigeon's face. Her eyes squinted, frowning in concentration.
The pigeon looks unbothered, almost as if they are used to her antics. Haerin snaps a few pictures from different angles, like a paparazzi on the red carpet. Then she smiles, content, before angling her camera in Danielle's direction.
Did she notice her staring? Or will this be another picture that ends up on the forum? The caption: The downfall of Danielle Marsh. Attached with a picture of her looking like she hadn't slept in three days.
Danielle panics, she tries to hide behind her laptop, but then she sees the camera flash off.
A pigeon flies by, throwing a shadow on Danielle's face. Haerin's camera follows it. Then she walks away, without even acknowledging Danielle.
Danielle laughs. How silly of her to think that the world revolves around her.
From then on, Danielle always sits by the same window in the library, hoping she would catch a glimpse of Haerin.
And when Haerin watches the pigeons, she watches Haerin. How she closes the eye meant for the viewfinder, how she intently scribbles something into her notebook, how she sits on the bench right next to a flock of pigeons fighting over a piece of bread.
For a moment, Danielle forgets everything, the whispers, the rumors, the looks. Her world shrinks to a point where it only fits Haerin and her pigeons. Nothing more, nothing less.
She never expected that one day she would kiss that girl and mess everything up. She should have swallowed those feelings back into her stomach. But because she was greedy, because she wanted more than she could have, she has now lost everything.
***
“Can I talk to you?”
Haerin lifts her head from her textbook and freezes.
“What?” Marcus looks down at her, unimpressed. “Did I grow a second head?”
Oh god, did he find out about it?
Haerin hasn't slept since last night. Since she dragged Hanni and Minji out of the club, preventing them from causing another crime scene. Since she shriveled up on Hanni's couch, staring at the moonlight that fell in through the window.
Since Danielle kissed her.
She doesn't understand it. Any of this. Danielle has a boyfriend. Danielle can have anyone she wants. Danielle clearly doesn't want her in that way.
And yet, last night happened. That kiss happened. And Haerin can still feel the ghost of Danielle's lips on hers.
“Hey, I am talking to you.”
Marcus is still standing in front of her, his hands deep in his pockets, the muscles on his arms flexed.
“How can I help you?” Haerin swallows, trying to stay calm.
For a moment, Haerin considers the possibility of getting punched in a public library. Statistically, this had to have happened at least once before, but Haerin really doesn't want to become the second number in that statistic.
“I am having a coming out party this Friday,” he finally says, his voice calm.
Then he raises an eyebrow. “You know what that means, right? Rainbow flags, kissing men, Born This Way by Lady Gaga.”
Haerin is at a loss for words. Is this supposed to be some sort of intimidation strategy? Haerin doesn't know. She really doesn't.
“Congratulations?” is all she manages to get out after silently closing and opening her mouth like a fish for what feels like eternity.
“You are invited. Danielle will be there too,” Marcus continues, unbothered by the question marks Haerin shoots him. “What's your Snapchat? For the location and time.”
Haerin feels the gears in her head loosen. What is this all about? Marcus is gay? What about him and Danielle?
“I don't have Snapchat.” She gets the most important information out first.
“E-mail? Pigeon mail? Neuralink? Or do you just expect me to send you a vison?”
The next day, Haerin wakes up to the following e-mail.
Subject: partyyy rockingg
my apartment, 6pm. pride themed outfits only, bring gifts
send from phone
Why didn't she just give him her phone number? Haerin stares at the e-mail that frankly should have just been a text message and sighs.
Re: partyyy rockingg
Dear Marcus,
So… does that mean you and Danielle are not… dating? Or is this some sort of polyamorous open relationship?
Kind regards,
Haerin Kang
Haerin might be slow, but contrary to Minji's belief, she isn't stupid. By now, she has also already put one and one together. But she needs to be sure, one hundred percent sure. Because she doesn't know if her heart can take another rejection.
Re: Re: partyyy rockingg
i only suck dick. is this clear enough?
Re:Re:Re: partyyy rocking
Dear Marcus,
Thank you for the speedy response. Again, congratulations. On coming out. Wishing you all the best for your future endeavors.
Proud of you,
Haerin Kang
She thinks about adding a rainbow emoji, but decides it's probably overkill. Marcus' response is even shorter this time, only one single sad yellow thumbs-up. This could have really just been a text exchange.
Haerin closes the tab with a sigh. Then she slumps against the table, closing her eyes.
So, what does that kiss mean now? An impulsive decision made under the influence of alcohol? Or did it really mean something?
Haerin sits up and pulls out a piece of scrap paper, one side already littered with plant sketches. She flips it around and writes Danielle's name on top. Then she draws a line in the middle and starts her analysis.
She likes me?
Listens to me talk about pigeons
Doesn't call me a loser
Kissed me
She thinks about adding “she smiles at me” but scribbles it out because it sounds too pathetic. Then she moves on to the other side.
Probably not.
Could just be playing you
Could have just been really drunk
Could have just mistaken you for her first love
Haerin groans. It's just going in circles again, a never-ending loop of optimism and pessimism. Why does she have to make everything so complicated?
Just ask her.
She finally writes down and circles it a few times, convincing herself that this is the only solution.
Do you guys have outfit recommendations for a coming out party?
Minji
????
is your uncle out of jail or what is this about??
Hanni
Minji, it's pride month…
Minji
oh, my bad
…
So, is anyone going to answer my question?
Minji
Omw
Hanni
Cue the makeover montage ✨
***
“You can't hide forever!” Danielle hears Hyein's muffled voice through the door.
Danielle throws an arm over her eyes and sighs. “What else am I supposed to do?”
“Talk to her! Marcus said she will show up at the party!”
“But what if she says no! What if she says that she never wants to talk to me again! Oh god, if people find out about the kiss, I will get her in so much trouble again-”
The door to her room suddenly falls open with a loud thud. Then she sees Hyein with the doorknob in her hand.
“I swear it was broken before that…”
Danielle doesn't know if she should cry, or laugh, or both at the same time.
“My door…” she buries her face into her pillow. “That took me three hours to assemble!”
“I am really sorry, please don't have another mental breakdown! I beg you!”
It takes another thirty minutes of gentle parenting from Hyein for her to finally calm down. Danielle admits, maybe she was a bit dramatic, but life is not exactly easy right now when you have to deal with a homoerotic lab-partnership and an assignment due at 11:59 PM at the same time.
“Besides,” Hyein sighs, patting Danielle's back like she is calming down a child that had just lost its favorite toy. “I bet you confused the heck out of her with that kiss. If you don't explain yourself, everything is just going to get worse.”
Danielle nods, like a kid being lectured by their mother. “I should.. apologize to her…”
“And tell her about your feelings,” Hyein says, her tone serious. “Make sure you are on the same page.”
“And if she rejects me and never talks to me again-”
“Then you are free.” Hyein squeezes her hand reassuringly. “Then you don't have to carry everything around with you anymore.”
Danielle takes a deep breath.
“How much time do we have left?”
Hyein's eyes light up. “Enough time to transform you into the hottest girl on earth!”
“Ok, now we are over-exaggerating-”
But Hyein is already rummaging through their shared closet for the best outfit while suggesting different lip combos to Danielle.
***
“Are you sure this is right?”
Haerin looks in the mirror. She looks like she could be the leader of some millennial hippie movement. And the fact that she has to probably, maybe, confess her feelings in this outfit seems like something straight out of a horror movie.
“You look approachable,” Minji says matter-of-factly. Next to her, Hanni nods
“This is modest but gives off just enough energy to not come off as homophobic.”
“Okay, another question.” Haerin looks at Hanni, then at Minji, both dressed in DIY rainbow tie-dye T-shirts. Hanni has styled hers into a tank top, which makes it at least somewhat excusable. Minji, however, is confidently wearing it like a tech startup CEO who doesn't understand that wearing a suit jacket over rainbow colors is a fashion crime punishable by law. “When were you guys invited?”
“Oh, Marcus is my brother,” Minji drops, like that wasn't just some crucial piece of lore she never revealed.
Hanni’s mouth drops open. Haerin tries to keep her eyes in the socket this time.
“What? Didn't I tell you that?” Minji looks at Hanni, who seems like she had just been told someone in this room is a serial killer.
“No, Minji…you said we were sneaking in as moral support for Haerin...”
“Well, that's the more important part anyway.” Minji smiles at Haerin innocently.
“Whatever…” Haerin sighs. She doesn't have the energy to deal with any of this anymore. All that matters now is that she somehow catches Danielle at the party and puts the record straight.
***
The party is already in full swing when Danielle arrives fashionably late. (Hyein wouldn't let her go until she had her eyeliner on spot, which took her approximately an additional forty minutes).
The speakers are blasting pop songs from the 2010s, every square inch of the room is covered in some sort of rainbow pattern. People are drinking, chatting, fighting, making out. Marcus is nowhere to be found, either he chickened out or he is already getting laid.
“Hey, I found her,” Hyein whisper-shouts into her ear. Danielle turns around and looks in the direction she is pointing.
And there is Haerin. Standing in the middle of the crowd, squeezed between two girls in rainbow tie-dye shirts. Wearing a pair of pink sunglasses and a shirt with the words “be who you are” printed on it in rainbow letters.
She looks so silly. Danielle wants to kiss her.
Haerin notices her too. She greets Danielle with a tight-lipped smile and an awkward hand wave.
This is not making it better. Danielle just wants to kiss her more badly.
“You can do this.” Hyein gives her two reassuring pats on the back, then she nudges her towards Haerin.
“Hey,” Danielle greets, her hand awkwardly doing something that resembles a wave.
“Yeah, hey,” Haerin greets back, her hands shoved deep into her jeans’ pockets.
Some guy bumps against Danielle's shoulder. She trips forward and Haerin tries to catch her. But instead, she knocks her forehead against Danielle's and almost loses her balance too.
“I think we should talk outside.” Danielle laughs, looking up at Haerin, who is trying her best not to grimace in pain. “Before either of us gets a concussion.”
***
They end up sitting on the stairs at the building entrance. Outside, you could still hear the music blasting from the open window. Haerin wonders how long it will take until they get a noise complaint.
“So…” They both start at the same time.
Danielle smiles. “You go first.”
“It's nothing important.” Haerin looks at the old lady walking her dog on the other side of the street, trying to ignore her heart making bungee jumps into her stomach. “You can go first.”
“Rock, paper, scissors,” Danielle suddenly says, already putting her hand into a fist. “Loser goes first.”
Rock against paper. Haerin wins for the first time in her life. She thought it was almost impossible to meet someone who is worse at this than her. But Danielle is always full of surprises.
“Okay, okay.” Danielle buries her face into her palms and takes a deep breath. “I got this.”
Then she looks at Haerin. “That kiss. I meant it.”
Someone is screaming along to the song playing inside. It almost sounds like Minji and Hanni.
“And, and I have probably liked you since freshman year,” Danielle continues, fidgeting with the fabric of her skirt. “But I just didn't know how to approach you, or if you even wanted to be associated with someone like me but I really really-”
“Wait a minute...” Haerin feels overwhelmed. The chaotic shouts from inside and the sudden swarm of mosquitoes doesn't make things any better. “Since freshman year?”
Danielle nods. “I always saw you observing the pigeons from the library and… I have always admired you for being so passionate about something.”
“I… thought I must have looked like a weirdo to everyone…” Haerin says, visibly flustered. Frankly, sometimes she regrets not having spent her first year on something more sensible. Like being more social or joining a club.
“I think that there is no one out there who isn't at least a bit of a weirdo,” Danielle says, her eyes not leaving Haerin's face. “I, for example, have been told that I need to stop eating carrots before my face turns orange.”
Haerin lets out a laugh. “Can that really happen?”
“Apparently,” Danielle shrugs. “I don't know how trustworthy my nutritionist is.”
A soothing late-night breeze passes by. The air grows a little lighter around them. There is a strand of hair sticking to Danielle’s forehead. Haerin reaches out to brush it away.
“To be honest,” Haerin begins, barely louder than a whisper, “I have been thinking a lot about this lately. The kiss, the forum post. You, us.”
A lone car drives down the road, its headlights flashing across Danielle's face. She looks mesmerizing. She has always looked mesmerizing.
“I have wondered if I was just overthinking everything and reading too much into every interaction.”
Danielle laces her hand with Haerin's. It's warm, anchoring, almost as if she sensed the faint tremble in Haerin's voice.
“I imagined what it would be like if we never talked again. And I imagined what it would be like if, by some miracle, you also liked me back.”
Haerin looks at their hands. Intertwined, lying peacefully in Danielle's lap.
“But I think I don't have to imagine it anymore.”
***
Haerin offers to walk her back home. Danielle purposely picks the longer route but she doesn't think Haerin would mind.
“I have always been curious about this,” Danielle says, looking up at the pigeon sitting on top of a streetlight. “Where do all the pigeons go at night?”
“They sleep,” Haerin tells her. They are still holding hands. Danielle doesn't mind that their palms are getting a bit sweaty. She thinks Haerin doesn't either. “Usually under bridges or on rooftops. But if they don't find a suitable spot, they sometimes also sleep on the ground.”
When they reach the door of Danielle’s place, she reluctantly lets go of Haerin's hand.
“See you soon.”
Haerin nods. “See you.”
But no one moves. Danielle doesn't dig out her keys. Haerin doesn't turn around and walk away.
“Not going in?” Haerin asks, pointing at the door.
“I will,” Danielle says. “After you leave.”
Then they fall back into silence. Haerin still isn't moving.
“Wanna come in?” Danielle tilts her head, her tone a little teasing. “Getting straight to the point?”
“No, no.” Haerin shakes her head. Danielle finds her panicked expression adorable. “I was… just wondering if… you know..?”
“You know?”
“Like a goodbye kiss or something… ” Haerin says. It's barely louder than the rustle of the leaves.
“Oh,” Danielle feels her face heat up. Right. Since it happened the last time too.
Oh god, why did I even do that.
“It's fine, I won't attack you this time…” Danielle says apologetically. “You are free to go…”
“No, I was wondering if I could…” A blush spreads across Haerin's face.
“Oh.”
This is going to be her death, isn't it? How is she even going to survive Haerin?
Danielle swallows. “Yeah, of course. Sure. Would be lovely.”
Wow, that just sounded desperate.
“Ok, then…”
Haerin steps a little closer. Then she puts a hand on Danielle's cheek and presses a kiss to her forehead.
And Danielle feels her insides crumble.
Haerin pulls back. “Good night then.”
“Good night.” Danielle barely even feels her legs. “Sweet dreams.”
“I’ll try.” Haerin nods, taking a few steps back, still facing Danielle. “Lately, they've all been about pigeons for some reason.”
Danielle laughs, her heart still racing. “Well, I’ll try my best to appear then.”
***
Another Monday. Another 8 AM lecture. But today, Haerin forgets her coffee.
“You… surprisingly don't look like shit,” Minji greets her kindly.
“Seven hours of sleep.” Haerin grins. “But you look horrible. Also where is Hanni?”
“Passed out on the couch probably,” Minji yawns. Haerin sees something like a hickey peeking through Minji’s hoodie. And no, she doesn't want to imagine anything.
“By the way.” Minji turns towards Haerin, her expression softening a little. “I’m really happy everything worked out for you.”
Today is their last lab session of the semester. Danielle is already waiting for her when she steps into the room.
“And, what did you dream about?”
“A giant carrot falling through my roof and almost decapitating me.”
“Wow,” Danielle laughs. “Gruesome.”
Then she leans in, her breath warm against Haerin's neck.
“I had a dream about you.”
***
Afterwards, they walk hand-in-hand to the cafe on campus. There are a few people who are glancing in their direction but Haerin stares back at them, until they get uncomfortable and look away.
“Your eyes are gonna dry out.” Danielle takes a sip from her drink and pokes Haerin's cheek.
“Well,” Haerin huffs. “They should learn how to mind their own business.”
Danielle laughs. “You're right. But I don't think that's the most effective method.”
“Do you have a better plan?”
“I do,” Danielle says, pulling out a sheet of paper from her notebook. She scribbles something down and holds it up like a sign.
10$ for every look you take
Miraculously, it works.
“You're such a weirdo,” Haerin laughs.
Danielle grins. “Aren't we all?”
low-key they are kinda cute together
like give me ten more of them if that means I don't have to endure those straight couples making out during fuckass DISSECTION LAB LIKE OMG THE ROOM SMELLS LIKE FORMALDEHYDE AND THERE ARE DEAD PEOPLE IN THE ROOM SHOW SOME GODDAMN RESPECT
Attached is a picture of Danielle and Haerin sitting on a bench under a tree. Haerin is pointing at one of the pigeons in front of them, seemingly explaining something to Danielle. And Danielle is looking at her like she just hung the stars in the sky.
Comments:
like i low-key never understood where all the hate came from they both seem like decent people [78 likes]
so marcus is gay and danielle is into girls… have we been straightbaited???? [100 likes]
can't lie, they look cute together [80 likes]
my favourite lesbians are back… [5 likes]