Chapter Text
📱Group Chat Name: “BOFURIN & Allies 🍑🩸 (Thirst Pit Edition)”
Suo:
Haruka just ran his hand through his hair.
Like slowly. Fingers in. Push back.
Do you know what that did to me?
I saw God. He said “Go back. You're not done simping yet.”
Kiryu:
His shirt stuck to his back in the gym today.
I saw shoulder blades.
And lower back dimples.
Lord forgive me for the things I thought. 🧎♀️💦
Nirei:
HE TOOK HIS JACKET OFF
AND HIS UNDERSHIRT RIDES UP
THERE’S A SLIVER OF SKIN. LIKE A TEASE. LIKE A CURSE. 😩🔥
Anzai:
He leaned over the table and I could see the veins on his hands
I bit my tongue so hard I tasted iron.
The way that man holds a pen is R-rated
Togame:
He was sitting on the windowsill, staring out
Wind blowing through that damn two-tone hair
LOOKING LIKE A FINAL BOSS AND A PIN-UP MODEL
I had thoughts. Lewd, blasphemous thoughts. 🛐🍆
Kiryu:
If Haruka ever pressed me against a wall and whispered “Shut up”…
I would, respectfully, lose all bodily function
And then thank him 😮💨🖤
Umemiya:
He asked if I wanted water.
Water.
I nodded. He passed me a bottle.
I still have it. I sleep with it next to my pillow. I’m not well.
Sugishita:
You are not.
[Message only visible to: Umemiya]
Umemiya:
Thanks for the validation, Sugishita 🫶
Tsugeura:
haruka gave me half a protein bar yesterday
said “you look like you need this”
i almost cried. he’s so kind. so caring 🥺 he’s just a little wolf cub
Hiragi:
He threatened a guy with a chair last week
And then asked me if I had stomach medicine
HE IS NOT A WOLF CUB
HE IS A WALKING BLOOD PRESSURE SPIKE
Tsubakino:
He told me I talked too much during lunch
And I almost moaned.
Do you know how low his voice drops when he's irritated?
That tone should be illegal. Arrest him. With handcuffs. And collar. 😏🔗
Kotoha:
I swear if one more of you starts barking over Haruka, I’m tasering the group chat.
Choji:
No seriously what is wrong with you people
He’s a human man
You’re all acting like he’s Jesus Christ with abs
Jo Togame:
and what if he is 🤷♂️
what if Jesus had heterochromia and abs and a tendency to say “get out of my way” with his jaw clenched 🤤🙏
Ren:
I want to log out of life.
Takeshi:
No wonder we haven’t been in a real fight lately.
Everyone’s too busy trying to get railed by Sakura instead of defending Makochi.
Yuto:
I’m building a new team.
With sane people.
And no boners.
Suo:
Speak for yourself
If Sakura ever told me “stay,” I’d drop to my knees and crawl 😮💨🐕🦺
Kiryu:
No because same.
I’d bark. Whimper. Obey.
I want him to ruin my peace and then call me annoying. Preferably in the same breath. 🫠💗
Anzai:
He took a nap in the courtyard yesterday
His mouth was slightly open
I had to physically restrain myself from kissing his forehead. Or his throat. Or his—
You know what, never mind. 🤐🫃
Nirei:
He made eye contact with me and asked if I was okay
I haven’t recovered since.
My whole nervous system got fried. I almost fainted. 🍷💀
Togame:
He bumped into me and said “watch it”
No please. Bump me again. Shove me. Step on me. Drag me down a flight of stairs and call it foreplay. 😭🔥
Choji:
You guys are one badly timed wink away from spontaneous combustion.
Jo Togame:
and i’m fine with that
sakura’s the flame and i’m the moth
let me burn 😩🔥🦋
Tsugeura:
guys pls
he’s nice to me
he taught me how to wrap my bandages better
why are you all like this 😭💔
Hiragi:
Because they’re freaks
Unhinged, disgusting freaks
And I’m 3 business days from snapping
Tsubakino:
Sakura sighed after sparring with me
Ran a hand through his hair
Neck glistening
The fucking Adam’s apple bobbed
I almost barked. Out loud. In public.
Kotoha:
I’m filing restraining orders for him.
Preemptively.
Suo:
I want him to insult my fashion sense
Then strip me out of it. Slowly. With malice.
Kiryu:
Sakura being rude is my love language.
He said “You talk too much”
My knees actually gave out. I fell. And I’d do it again.
Umemiya:
He asked me to help carry boxes
Said “You’re stronger than you look”
I blacked out. I’m getting it tattooed on my ribs. In cursive.
Sugishita:
Touch him and die.
[Message only visible to: Umemiya]
Umemiya:
You’d kill me if I didn’t touch him 🥺
Kiryu:
He leaned against the wall today
Arms crossed. Leg bent. Just standing there looking like a noir anime villain
I needed a cigarette and a cold shower
Nirei:
Why does he walk like he owns the pavement?
Who gave him permission to have hips that move like that
I need therapy. With him. Preferably chained to a chair 😫🖤
Anzai:
He smiled. Just once. Briefly.
I saw it. And now I believe in heaven.
Togame:
If he ever grabbed my jaw and said “Focus,” I would pass away peacefully with a hard-on 🪦🍆
Jo Togame:
fr i want him to choke me a little
like not too much
just enough to make me see stars and forget my name 😇🔪
Choji:
And that’s my cue to go touch grass.
All of you need holy water.
Takeshi:
I tried to talk to Sakura yesterday
He blinked slowly, nodded, and walked away
And somehow that was the hottest shit I’ve ever experienced
Yuto:
He ignores me and I still feel blessed.
How does rejection feel this much like foreplay?? 😭
Ren:
I think my soul left my body when he licked blood off his lip last week
It was HIS blood. That didn’t matter. I nearly fainted.
Suo:
Sometimes I dream about him saying “On your knees”
I wake up crying and fully erect
Kiryu:
STOP I literally dreamt he pinned me to a wall and whispered “quiet”
I’ve been unwell since 3am
That man is a menace. A god. A fucking religious experience 😩⛪️
Umemiya:
He called me “old man”
I’ve never felt more turned on in my life
I would die for him. And then haunt him.
Sugishita:
You’re all lucky he’s too oblivious to see this.
[Message only visible to: Umemiya]
Tsubakino:
I hope one day he opens the chat
Reads all this
And silently deletes all of us
Suo:
That’d be so hot.
I want him to read my thirst posts and say “You’re pathetic.”
I’d come on the spot 😭💦
Kiryu:
Agreed. Total degradation fantasy
He can call me trash and step on me with steel-toed boots
Anzai:
Let’s be real
If Sakura ever kissed someone
Half this chat would start foaming at the mouth
Nirei:
I’d cry
Then die
Then haunt him until he joins me
Togame:
I’d fight the person
No questions
Just hands
And maybe a knife
Jo Togame:
aight but if he ever bites his bottom lip on purpose
i’m committing a felony
Tsugeura:
can i go back to thinking of him as a wolf puppy pls 😭
i don’t want to be corrupted by this
Hiragi:
It’s too late
The corruption is complete
We live in a Sakura cult now
Kotoha:
Okay but real talk
If Sakura ever flirts back
This group chat will implode
Suo:
Then let it implode.
Let it burn.
Let him call me a slut while it happens 💋🔥
Kiryu:
I’ll bring the champagne and the handcuffs 🍾🖇️
Umemiya:
I’ll bring the cameras
For science
Choji:
I’m done. I’m out.
Blocking all of you.
Especially you, Suo.
Jo Togame:
understandable
have a nice day 😌
[Meanwhile – Sakura, to Kotoha, privately:]
Sakura:
Why does Anzai keep handing me bottles of water and muttering “You deserve more than this world” under his breath?
Kotoha:
Sweetheart.
Please never open the group chat.
Ever.
Sakura:
Too late.
Opened it this morning.
Kiryu wants me to spit in his mouth.
I’m setting my phone on fire.
Scene:
Sakura wipes sweat from his jaw, standing at the edge of the rooftop. His shirt is damp, sticking to the lines of his back. Suo lounges nearby, sipping water, while Umemiya leans against the railing, arms crossed, watching Suo.
The tension is feral.
Suo:
“You’ve been staring, Hajime.”
(Smiles like it’s a joke. It’s not.)
Umemiya:
“You gonna file a report, Hayato?”
(Steps forward. Slow. Deliberate.)
Suo:
(Leans close to Sakura.)
“Just wondering how many people are pretending they’re not in love with him.”
Umemiya:
(Quiet. Dangerous.)
“I’m not pretending.”
Sakura: blinks slowly
Suo:
(Smiles wider.)
“Neither am I.”
Suo brushes Sakura’s bangs from his face.
Sakura: “You’re both annoying.”
Umemiya steps behind Sakura, close enough to feel his heat.
Umemiya:
“You sparred well today. You always do.”
Suo:
“Must be exhausting. Carrying this whole school on those pretty shoulders.”
Sakura: “…I will jump off this roof.”
Suo:
“Come on, Haruka.
Tell us—who do you like being pinned under more? Me or Hajime?”
Umemiya:
“Let’s not pretend you could pin him.”
Suo: grins
Umemiya: cracks his knuckles
Sakura: sighs and walks away
📱Group Chat: “BOFURIN & Associates 🔥💀 (Live Simp Surveillance)”
Nirei:
GUYS
THEY’RE FIGHTING OVER HIM
THEY’RE ACTUALLY FIGHTING
I’M PEEING MYSELF 😭😭😭
Kiryu:
Suo just called Haruka “pretty” to his FACE
And Umemiya didn’t blink
I think he’s going to commit manslaughter 💍🩸
Anzai:
Umemiya is literally behind him like he’s ready to mount him
I’m not okay. My lungs are gone. My dignity is gone.
Togame:
Suo touched his BANGS
HIS FUCKING BANGS
I would need a 3-month recovery period and a therapist 😩
Jo Togame:
bruh
suo’s playing chess and umemiya’s swinging a baseball bat
and i’m just here eating popcorn and crying
Tsugeura:
umemiya’s jaw clenched so hard
i felt it in my spine 😭
i was three floors down and STILL felt it
Tsubakino:
he said “must be exhausting carrying the school”
BITCH I MOANED
i MOANED in the hallway and scared a second-year
Takeshi:
I just witnessed the most erotic power struggle over a man who doesn’t even flinch when people confess to him
Yuto:
Sakura said “you’re both annoying” and left
That man is unbothered. Unclenchable. A menace.
Choji:
This is how wars start
Between men with too many muscles and too few brain cells
Kotoha:
I swear to god
If one of them kisses him in public, I’m tasing both
Ren:
Not to be dramatic
But I think Suo’s going to grab his jaw and Umemiya’s going to snap Suo’s wrist
Kiryu:
LET THEM
LET THEM BRAWL
I WANNA SEE BLOOD ON CONCRETE AND SAKURA ROLLING HIS EYES 😭🔥
Nirei:
i’m shaking
i’m crying
i need fanfiction
i need cameras
i need ice for my face bc i just slammed it into my locker from screaming
Anzai:
the tension was so thick
i could’ve ridden it like a dick 😭
Suo (in GC):
You're all being dramatic
He let me touch his face.
He didn’t flinch.
That’s basically marriage.
Umemiya (in GC):
You’re lucky he didn’t break your hand
But go ahead, touch him again. See what happens. 🪓
Sugishita (finally joins GC):
Kill him.
[Message only visible to: Umemiya]
Choji:
I am once again asking all of you to touch grass
Jo Togame:
i would touch sakura
but he’d touch back and i’d never recover 😩
Togame:
somebody write a doujinshi of this
call it “Pinned Between Palms and Vengeance”
i’m ready
Kiryu:
If either of them ever actually kisses him
I’m throwing my body into traffic
While clapping
Nirei:
NO
IF THEY KISS HIM
I’M EATING GLASS
RAW. UNSEASONED. WITH SALT
Tsubakino:
Imagine Sakura just grabs one of them by the collar and whispers “choose.”
And then walks away.
Takeshi:
I would burst into tears and sprint into a lake
Face-first
Yuto:
Honestly at this point
Let them fight
Whoever wins gets to die by his hand anyway
Kotoha:
Plot twist:
Sakura likes neither of them
He’s just enjoying the chaos silently like the little demon he is
Suo:
Not true
He leaned into my hand today
He knows what he’s doing
Umemiya:
He trusts me more than he trusts anyone
I’ve known him the longest
He will be mine
Kiryu:
They’re gonna sword fight over Sakura
Like medieval nobles
While he sits on a throne of unconscious bodies
Tsugeura:
i’m scared
i’m excited
i’m aroused
help
Choji:
I’m muting this group for 72 hours
Y’all need holy water, therapy, and a parental figure
Jo Togame:
no. we need sakura. in a tank top. sweating. frowning.
that’s what we need
[Meanwhile, Sakura privately to Kotoha:]
Sakura:
Suo and Umemiya were acting weird again
Should I be worried?
Kotoha:
They’re just working through something
You just keep sparring and existing, sweetheart
You're doing enough damage by breathing
Sakura:
Okay
I’m going home
🛏️ Cast:
-
Haruka Sakura : Host. Instantly regrets opening his door.
-
Hayato Suo : In a silk robe. Not subtle.
-
Hajime Umemiya : Brought a toothbrush. Already moved in.
-
Akihiro Nirei : Sleepy simp. Touch-starved.
-
Kyotaro Kiryu : Brought wine, candles, and rope. “As a joke.”
-
Jo Togame : Instigator. Has no morals.
-
Anzai : Red-faced and dangerously repressed.
🧠 Surveillance Team (in the GC):
-
Kotoha, Choji, Ren, Yuto, Takeshi
(Monitoring via Suo’s hidden cams. Regret everything.)
🧼 Sane Ones (barely):
-
Tsugeura, Tsubakino, Hiragi
(Hiding in the kitchen. Armed with snacks and trauma.)
Sakura:
(Ties his hair up. Throws open the door.)
“Come in. Leave your shoes. Don’t touch anything. Don’t talk to me.”
Suo:
(Slides in first, silk robe open at the chest. No shirt.)
“Of course, Haruka.
It’s your home… but we’re your guests. You should… serve us~”
Sakura:
“Touch me and I’ll kick you in the teeth.”
Umemiya:
(Carried two duffel bags, a pillow, and a mug that says World’s #1 Haruka Enthusiast)
“I brought coffee. Toothbrush. A new futon.
Also, can I put my shampoo in your bathroom? It smells like you.”
Sakura:
“Get out.”
Nirei:
(Wrapped in a giant hoodie, clutching a pillow like a body-sized emotional support animal)
“Can I sleep next to you on the floor?
I won’t touch you. Unless I dream about you again. Then I can’t promise anything.”
Kiryu:
(Enters with a candle, a bottle of wine, and two sets of fluffy handcuffs)
“Don’t worry, I brought ambiance.
And protection.
Emotional or physical — up to you.”
Jo Togame:
(Drags in a speaker and a suitcase full of… questionable games)
“Who’s ready for Truth or Dare: Sakura Edition?”
(The game where all dares are “kiss Sakura” and all truths are “how badly do you want Sakura?”)
Anzai:
(Silent. Holding a grocery bag. Face red.
The bag contains: instant ramen, face masks, massage oil — “I didn’t read the label okay???”)
📱Group Chat: [BOFURIN + Associates 🎥 (Sleepover Cam - LIVE)]
Kotoha:
He opened the door in gym shorts and a tank top.
No hoodie.
Bare arms. Collarbones.
I can’t breathe.
Choji:
SUO IS WEARING SATIN. WITH NOTHING UNDERNEATH.
This isn’t a sleepover. It’s a trap.
Ren:
WHY IS UMEMIYA MOVING IN???
WHO BRINGS A TOOTHBRUSH AND A FUTON TO A SLEEPOVER 😭😭😭
Yuto:
Kiryu just lit a candle and whispered “Let the suffering begin.”
I’m crying.
Also pretty sure that’s a sex candle.
Takeshi:
Togame brought lube.
HE BROUGHT LUBE AND PRETENDED IT WAS “ALOE VERA GEL.”
I’M GONNA SCREAM.
Choji:
I want to leave this world.
🍿 In Sakura’s Living Room:
Tsubakino, Hiragi, and Tsugeura have barricaded themselves in the kitchen with juice boxes and trauma snacks.
Tsugeura:
“I’m scared. I think I just saw Suo wink at Haruka.”
Hiragi:
“He did. And he bit his straw.
I want to vomit.”
Tsubakino:
“Kiryu asked me if I wanted a drink and then told me the wine is ‘aphrodisiac-infused.’
I told him I’m gay. He said, ‘So is Haruka.’”
Hiragi:
“I’m going to jump out the window.”
🛋️ Back on the Couch:
Suo:
(Sprawled sideways. One leg casually draped over Sakura’s thigh.)
Suo:
“So… when do we play a game? Maybe something where people have to take clothes off if they lose~?”
Sakura:
(Looks down at the leg. Doesn’t react. Flicks it off like lint.)
“Try that again and I’ll remove your leg at the socket.”
Umemiya:
(Sits directly behind Sakura. Presses his back into his. Whisper-level voice.)
“You know, I wouldn’t mind a little violence.
If it’s from you.”
Kiryu:
“Would you call that a threat or a promise?
Asking for my journal.”
Togame:
(Dumps cards on the table)
“NEW GAME. Everyone draws a card. Whoever gets the Joker… kisses Sakura.”
Anzai:
(Drops his card. Looks down.
It’s the Joker.)
He stops breathing.
Anzai:
“I can’t. I shouldn’t. I mean, I—do you have water?”
Sakura:
(Deadpan stare)
“I will set you on fire.”
Anzai:
(blushing so hard it looks medical)
“I’d let you.”
📱Group Chat: [BOFURIN + Associates 🎥]
Kotoha:
ANZAI GOT THE JOKER
I REPEAT — ANZAI HAS BEEN CURSED
HE’S ABOUT TO ASCEND OR DIE
Choji:
He’s sweating through his shirt
Why is this the hottest horror movie I’ve ever seen?
Ren:
Sakura’s not even reacting
This man could be chained to a bed and still say “this is stupid.”
Takeshi:
I think Umemiya just growled
I swear he’s gonna throw Suo off the balcony if he tries anything again.
Yuto:
Umemiya just said
“Don’t touch what’s already mine”
AND LOOKED STRAIGHT AT SUO 😭😭😭
Kiryu (in GC):
Umemiya is possessive.
Suo is seductive.
I’m flexible.
Let’s make this a group effort.
Togame (in GC):
Group. Chat. Orgy.
Kotoha:
I’m leaving.
I’m deleting my phone.
I’m becoming a nun.
Tsubakino (in GC):
Why are we still here
Just to suffer?
😴 Later, in Sakura’s Bedroom
Sakura locks the door.
Turns off the light.
Climbs into bed.
…
Suo is already there.
Suo:
“I said I’d be gentle. You didn’t say no.”
Sakura:
“I will suffocate you with a pillow.”
Suo:
“Kinky.”
[Knock Knock.]
Umemiya:
from outside
“Hey. I can’t sleep.
Can I come in? I promise I won’t do anything. Unless you ask.”
Sakura:
“No.”
Umemiya:
(Silence.)
Door unlocks anyway.
Kiryu:
(is under the bed)
“Hi.”
Nirei:
(walks in sleepily, dragging his blanket)
“Is this a nightmare or a dream?”
Anzai:
(appears in the doorway)
“Okay. This is too much. I’m going home.”
(Doesn’t move.)
Sakura:
Stares at the ceiling.
Whispers:
“I should have just joined a monastery.”
Chapter 2
Notes:
The chat fics don't follow a specific timeline . Please keep that in mind . IT'S JUST UNHINGED CHAOTIC BRAINROT IDEAS I GET AND PUT IT IN WORDS
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
📱 Group Chat: "Sakura Support Circle (Unholy Edition 😩🔥🧎♂️)"
Members: Kiryu, Umemiya, Suo, Nirei, Togame, Anzai, Choji, Kotoha, Yuto, Takeshi, Ren, Tsugeura, Tsubakino, Hiragi
Sakura Haruka is not in the chat.
Unfortunately, his abs are.
Kiryu:
he was wearing grey sweatpants today
grey sweatpants.
with no undershirt
i saw hipbones
i saw veins
i saw god 😩🙏
Suo:
did the waistband dip
you know
THE dip
Kiryu:
😮💨 it dipped
and the shirt was cropped
accidentally
but also maybe intentionally
Togame:
i’d let him drag me across concrete in those sweatpants
he could step on me mid-jog and i’d say "thank you captain" 💦
Nirei:
he stretched. like arms over the head, spine arching
and his back did the thing
you know
that V line into hell 😭🔥
Anzai:
he leaned over my desk and said
"move"
with his breath near my ear
and i forgot how to walk
Umemiya:
he tied his hair up
one hand
no mirror
just vibes and dominance
i was sitting. on the floor. like a damn servant.
Choji:
Y’ALL ARE NOT OKAY
what the hell is this energy
it’s 8AM
Yuto:
he literally asked if you finished your assignments
and you’re acting like he whispered filth in your ear
Takeshi:
To be fair
even his "good morning" feels like foreplay 😵💫
Ren:
i once watched him eat a popsicle
that stick is still in my drawer
framed.
Kiryu:
bro i once saw him adjust his belt
slow
deliberate
like he knew someone was watching
and I WAS 😭😭😭
Togame:
I want him to pin me against the locker
look down at me and say
“stop looking unless you’re gonna do something”
and then smirk like the menace he is
Nirei:
once he told me “don’t be loud”
and I’ve been trying to be quieter ever since
so he can lean down and tell me “good boy”
Anzai:
he touched my wrist in training
training.
I went home and stared at the ceiling for two hours.
shirtless. confused. slightly aroused.
Suo:
i want him to choke me
gently
respectfully
and then call me “cute when desperate” 😌
Umemiya:
i want him to ruin me
and then pass me a cold bottle of water
because he’s still polite like that 🥲
Sugishita:
[visible to: Umemiya]
remove all of them. now.
Kotoha:
you people are not friends
you’re a feral cult
and Sakura is your religion
Tsubakino:
...i mean, he is beautiful.
angel face.
devil’s body.
and somehow, he smells like sin and clean laundry?
Hiragi:
he adjusted my collar once and i thought
“is this what marriage feels like”
Tsugeura:
he called me “little bro” and i almost cried
not because i want him
but because that’s the highest honor imaginable
Choji:
does Sakura even know
like does he know he’s walking around ruining people’s lives just by… existing?
Kiryu:
he knows
he has to know
he walks like he’s God’s favorite sin 😭😭
Togame:
he exists like he’s been inside you in a dream and now you can't forget it
Anzai:
i once had a dream where he leaned over and said
“want to make this real?”
i woke up sweating. alone. betrayed by my own mind.
Suo:
imagine this
he’s in your bed
hair messy
shirt halfway gone
he says “come closer”
and when you do
he grabs your jaw and says
“not enough”
Everyone:
🚨🚨🚨🚨
Nirei:
I’m not okay
my heart rate just doubled
why did that read like a bible verse written by a whore
Kiryu:
because it is.
and I’d read it every night before bed.
Takeshi:
I’m filing a restraining order
against all of you
in Sakura’s name
Ren:
I’m not even mad
I’m just concerned
you’re all having group hallucinations
Umemiya:
he licked strawberry juice off his thumb once
with tongue
slowly
and i stopped believing in heaven
because it was right there, at the vending machine 😩🍓
Suo:
That’s it
I’m texting him "accidentally"
just a screenshot of this chat
with the caption: “your fanclub is getting worse”
Kotoha:
do that and i swear
we’re ALL getting blocked
and reported
Togame:
...what if he doesn’t block us
what if he replies
with a voice note
and says
“so who’s going first?”
Kiryu:
stop.
my knees just buckled
i’m sweating like a sinner in church 😭
Nirei:
i want him to whisper “beg”
and then walk away
leaving me shaking
alone
and questioning my worth as a man
Anzai:
if he ever says “good girl”
i’m switching pronouns permanently
Suo:
if he ever says “sit”
I will
on the floor
like the obedient little slut I am 😌
Choji:
this is the most NSFW group chat in the history of Japanese high school gangs
and he’s not even HERE
Kiryu:
he doesn’t need to be here
he’s in our minds.
our dreams.
our emotional damage.
Togame:
he’s the reason i need therapy
and also the reason i skip it
Umemiya:
he told me “stay close” in a fight
i’m still trying to figure out if he meant emotionally, physically, or spiritually
either way i obeyed
Sugishita:
[Visible to: Umemiya]
kill them all.
i’ll help clean up.
Suo:
what if we just made it easy
told him straight up
“hey. we all want you. emotionally, physically, and biblically.”
Kotoha:
you can’t say biblically
this isn’t Sunday school it’s Sakura’s Thirst Olympics
Yuto:
I’m ending this group
immediately
before someone writes fanfic of this
Kiryu:
too late
i’m already drafting
“Captain Sakura’s Heat Wave: Part 1”
Togame:
make sure to include the locker room scene 😭🫦🧼
Anzai:
and the rooftop kiss that turns into slow burn makeout that ends in accidental confession 😭
Nirei:
and the part where he says “you’re mine” while pulling your belt undone
Suo:
Y’all write fiction
I’ll just live it
brb dropping by his place
with “study snacks”
and zero shame
Umemiya:
save me a spot
i’ll bring the candles 😌🕯️
Kotoha:
you people are SICK
and yet
you make a compelling case
Choji:
godspeed, Sakura
you have no idea what hell is coming your way
[End of Chat. For now.]
📱 [Group Chat: "BOFURIN — Important Patrol Updates 👍 (no simping Suo 😡)"]
Sakura:
question.
some woman just tried to kiss me in the red-light district.
said she’d “give me the night of my life.”
what does that mean? 🤨
Kiryu:
OH MY GOD
DELETE THIS MESSAGE
YOU CAN’T JUST DROP THAT
Togame:
AHEM
It means
She wanted to worship you like the altar of sin that you are 🧎♂️🔥
Nirei:
Haruka.
Sweet. Precious. Beautiful.
She wanted to do things to you.
Physical. Sensual. Adult things 😳
Suo:
👀
It means she wanted to touch you slowly
With her mouth
With her hands
Everywhere 💋🫦🖐️
Start to finish.
And then some.
Anzai:
It means she wanted you naked, panting, and saying her name.
Repeatedly.
Maybe even on your knees.
Umemiya:
She wanted to make you moan like a prayer, baby 😌
To ruin you gently
and then kiss your throat after
while whispering how good you taste
Sakura:
...
i don’t get it
why would someone kiss my throat
Kiryu:
BECAUSE YOU’RE PERFECT, YOU STUPIDLY HOT IDIOT 😭😭😭
Togame:
Because your throat is elegant.
Like a swan.
But also a neck that BEGS to be kissed, bitten, or held.
Respectfully.
Suo:
Foreplay is basically teasing.
Touching.
Tasting.
Whispering filthy things against your skin.
Making you beg before anything even starts 😌
Sakura:
so you talk and kiss…
before doing sex?
is that a rule?
Choji:
CAN WE NOT
CAN WE JUST
NOT
Kotoha:
DELETE THE CHAT
BLOCK THE SIMPS
SAVE HIS INNOCENCE
Takeshi:
this is a public safety crisis
our top fighter doesn’t even know what sex is
and the simps are FOAMING
Yuto:
YOU GUYS ARE TEACHING HIM FOREPLAY
LIKE IT’S HOME EC
Ren:
Haruka please
log off
run
don’t let Suo finish the next sentence
Suo:
Too late 😌
Foreplay is when I pin you against a wall
smirk
and whisper
“you’ve got five seconds to decide if you want to behave…”
Sakura:
...
oh.
so it’s like fighting
but without punches?
Umemiya:
EXACTLY
except i’d use my hands for… other things
like tracing that pretty scar on your cheek
and making you shiver just from a whisper
Anzai:
i want to corner you in the rain and ask
“you sure you’ve never been touched?”
and when you nod
i’ll say
“then let me be your first everything.”
Kiryu:
guys stop
i’m about to combust
haruka asking what sex is is the HOTTEST thing i’ve ever seen
Togame:
I want to educate him.
hands-on learning 😩
lesson one: where to touch to make him gasp
lesson two: how to make him beg
Sakura:
you’re all being weird
i just wanted a definition
not a training arc
Tsugeura:
haruka don’t listen to them 😭
sex is just… hugging but worse
Tsubakino:
think of it as… intimate cardio
with consent and bad decisions
Hiragi:
it’s what adults do when they’re very tired and want to regret something later
Choji:
WE ARE LOSING HIM
HE’S TOO HOT AND TOO CLUELESS
IT’S A DEADLY COMBO
Kotoha:
I SWEAR
if one more simp drops a “neck kiss” metaphor
I’m releasing the surveillance footage of all your pathetic attempts to flirt with him
Suo:
Do it 😌
I looked good that day
Leather jacket. Cherry lip balm.
Sakura blushed.
Kiryu:
he blinked at me once
ONE TIME
and i thought about it in the shower for a week 😩🛁
Togame:
he tripped and fell on me once
and all i could think was
“this is it. this is how i die. under his weight. in bliss.”
Anzai:
HE ASKED ME IF I HAD A SPARE PEN
I SAID “YES DADDY” OUT LOUD
IN CLASS.
WITH WITNESSES.
Umemiya:
he wiped blood off my lip in a fight
said “you okay?”
i nodded
but i wasn’t
i was dying inside.
Sakura:
…
i was just trying to stop a woman from hugging me in an alley
now i’m learning about neck biting
Nirei:
and we’re learning you’re a blank canvas
waiting to be painted with sweat and pleasure 😭😭😭
Choji:
NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN
Ren:
god i’m so tired
can someone sedate Suo
Yuto:
someone sedate everyone
Togame:
Sakura, baby
if you ever want a demonstration
anytime
anywhere
i come with visual aids and snacks 😌
Kiryu:
we can take turns
1-on-1 sessions
oral AND written 😏
Suo:
or group training 😇
for efficiency
Umemiya:
no
just me
slow and private
door locked
lights off
my voice in your ear
Anzai:
...i’m sweating. is it hot in here?
Sakura:
ok.
i think i’ve learned enough.
thanks.
but i’m not interested in sex.
Suo, Kiryu, Togame, Umemiya, Nirei, Anzai:
WHAT
Sakura:
i have patrol
and training
and fights
and i like sleeping alone
thanks tho
Choji:
YES KING
HE SAID NO TO SEX
AND YES TO PEACE
Kotoha:
WE WON
HE’S STILL OUR PURE HIMBO
Takeshi:
bless your beautiful, oblivious soul
Yuto:
the real power move
is turning down six horny warriors
without blinking
Ren:
Haruka Sakura:
Too hot to touch.
Too busy for sex.
Too focused on kicking ass.
Tsugeura:
love that for him 😭
he’s so strong
so ethereal
so sex-repulsed
Tsubakino:
someone put that on a t-shirt
Hiragi:
he’s gonna be the first man to win a turf war and a purity award
Suo:
fine
but i’ll wait
years if i have to 😌
Umemiya:
same
i’ll be here
quiet
patient
hands ready 😇
Kiryu:
what’s a few decades of yearning
for a man like that?
Sakura:
…
i’m muting this chat.
goodnight.
[Haruka Sakura has left the conversation.]
[Choji has renamed the chat to: “NO SEX ED FOR SAKURA EVER AGAIN”]
📱 Group Chat: “Bofurin After Hours 🔥🩸”
Togame:
okay so
truth or dare but make it adult 😌
Suo:
finally
i’ve been waiting to ruin this group for months 😇
Kiryu:
he’s going to say “i kissed someone”
and mean “i headbutted them into a wall”
Umemiya:
and I’m going to cry
Togame:
let’s begin 😏
Sakura
truth or dare?
Sakura:
truth.
this better not be a waste of time
Togame:
😌
what’s the dirtiest thing you’ve ever done?
Sakura:
fought a guy in a sewer
he tried to stab me with a lead pipe
i kicked his teeth in
fell in the sludge tho
smelled bad for a week
Nirei:
bro…
Kiryu:
not him answering like this is a war documentary 😭
Anzai:
i want to scream
how is he hotter when he's this stupid
Suo:
next
Umemiya
truth or dare?
Umemiya:
dare.
Suo:
send your last voice note to Sakura 😌
but make it seductive
Umemiya:
voice message sent to Sakura
“You’re lucky I respect you, Haruka.
Or I’d have you pinned against a wall for how you looked at me in training.
Think about that tonight.”
Sakura:
...why would you say that.
i wasn’t even looking at you
i was watching the guy behind you with the bat
Togame:
i’m going to start foaming at the mouth
Kiryu:
i already AM foaming 😭
Anzai:
Umemiya you’re banned
that was unfair and unholy
Nirei:
alright my turn
Sakura
truth or dare?
Sakura:
truth again
i’m not doing any of your weird bets
Nirei:
how many people have you been on top of?
Sakura:
at least 30
in street fights
sometimes i hold them down until the cops show up
or they pass out
Suo:
i just
i need a minute
Togame:
THIRTY???
do you understand what you just said???
Sakura:
yeah.
takedowns.
knee on their chest.
textbook stuff. 😐
Kiryu:
textbook stuff.
so that’s what we’re calling it now 😩
Anzai:
alright my turn
Kiryu
truth or dare?
Kiryu:
truth 😌
Anzai:
who would you let handcuff you to a bed in this group?
Kiryu:
Haruka.
1000%.
he could do anything and I’d ask for seconds
Sakura:
why would I handcuff you?
are you a criminal?
Kiryu:
baby I would commit crimes just for the chance 😩🫦
Choji:
can I mute everyone except Sakura
for my own mental health
Kotoha:
PLEASE
the rest of you are feral
he’s answering like this is a police deposition
Ren:
he thinks “dirty” means mud
and “on top” means combat tactics
Yuto:
Sakura’s purity is being violently violated by your metaphors
Tsubakino:
but also
his answers are somehow hotter BECAUSE he doesn’t get it
Suo:
that’s the hell of it
he could say “i choked a guy out”
and I’d still be like 😩 choke me too
Togame:
okay okay
Suo
truth or dare?
Suo:
truth, darling 😌
Togame:
have you ever moaned someone’s name while alone?
Suo:
just once
last month
in the shower
i slipped and caught myself on the wall and went
“ah—Haruka…”
it just… came out
Sakura:
you were in danger and thought of me.
that’s normal.
Umemiya:
he wasn’t in danger
he was in heat.
Nirei:
he was in denial
Kiryu:
and now he’s in our hearts
and our group chat thirst folder
Anzai:
okay i’m spinning the bottle
Haruka again
truth or dare?
Sakura:
...fine. dare.
Anzai:
take a pic of yourself
right now
no shirt 😇
Sakura:
no
why?
Togame:
FOR SCIENCE 😭
FOR CULTURAL ENRICHMENT
Kiryu:
for mental health recovery
and also so i can set it as my lockscreen 😌
Umemiya:
Haruka
don’t make me beg
i will
on my knees
shirtless
in the rain
Suo:
just imagine us
kneeling in a circle
chanting your name
waiting for the blessed image
Sakura:
you people need therapy
but fine
photo sent
[Image: Haruka. No shirt. Post-run. Sweaty. Messy hair. Completely unaware he’s hotter than sin.]
Everyone:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 😩🔥💀🧎♂️🧎♀️🧎♂️🧎♀️
Kotoha:
DELETE THIS
I’M AT WORK
Ren:
HE’S NOT EVEN POSING
JUST LOOKS LIKE HE BEAT UP THREE GUYS AND DRANK WATER
Takeshi:
i’m gonna pass out
his abs look illegal
Yuto:
i’m saving it
not for thirst
for motivation
(fine it’s for thirst too)
Tsubakino:
his hair looks like he was just touched
but he’s never been touched
that’s the problem 😭
Hiragi:
his expression says “i just fought five guys”
and i want to be the sixth
Togame:
he’s a painting
a poem
a war crime in motion
Suo:
he’s a punishment and a reward
and I want both
Kiryu:
he could kill me
and I’d thank him from the afterlife
Sakura:
…
you all need to get laid or meditate or something
Choji:
YOU THINK???
THEY’VE BEEN HAVING A PSYCHOTIC BREAK FOR AN HOUR
Umemiya:
truth
Haruka
what’s the most sensitive part of your body?
Sakura:
ribs.
i got stabbed there once.
still a bit tender.
Kiryu:
not what he meant 😭
Togame:
but also…
say more 😩
Suo:
what about your neck?
ears?
lower back?
anywhere you’d flinch if i kissed you slow?
Sakura:
why would you kiss me there
what kind of attack is that
Anzai:
an emotional one 😩
Nirei:
what would you do if someone said
“lay back. let me worship you.”
and then did it?
Sakura:
probably punch them
what kind of weird line is that
Tsubakino:
he’s untainted
divinely stupid
a perfectly chiseled moron
Hiragi:
and he’s going to be the death of us all
Takeshi:
we’ve lost this game
we’ve lost our dignity
and we’ve lost our chance with the only man who could fold us all in half with one arm
Yuto:
Sakura
final question
truth or dare?
Sakura:
truth.
Yuto:
what would you say if someone said they loved you?
in the non-fight way
Sakura:
i’d ask why
then tell them
“don’t get distracted. stay focused. there’s still work to do.”
Kiryu:
yep
I’m crying in the gym bathroom now
Umemiya:
I love you
and I’ll wait
even if it takes forever
Suo:
you’re gonna be the reason I develop patience and rage issues
Togame:
we’re all going to die alone
while he trains in peace
Sakura:
i’m muting this
for my sanity
but thanks for the game
i guess
[Haruka Sakura has left the chat.]
[Group renamed by Choji: “Support Group for the Spiritually Wrecked by Sakura”]
📱Group Chat: “Bofurin—Patrol Updates Only 🚫 SIMPING”
Sakura:
hey
um
i need to tell you all something
but don’t be weird about it
please
Kiryu:
👀
you’re starting like that
and expect us not to be weird?
Suo:
oh no
what did you do
who do I have to kill
or congratulate 😌
Umemiya:
are you okay
did you punch someone
did someone touch you
do I need to set something on fire
Sakura:
choji took me clubbing last night
Togame:
🚨🚨🚨
ALREADY A RED FLAG
Anzai:
why would you say something so horrifying this early in the chat
Nirei:
WHAT WERE YOU WEARING 😭
Choji:
he was cute.
black shirt. silver chain. no jacket.
sweaty within five minutes.
0.0003% alcohol tolerance.
i did nothing wrong
Sakura:
i got drunk from two drinks
everything got loud
and i think
i made out with someone
for like
an hour
Everyone:
🧎♂️🧎♀️🧎♂️🧎♀️🧎♂️
Kotoha:
OH MY GOD
HE’S BEEN DEFILED
BY A RANDOM CLUB RAT???
Tsubakino:
he’s so… pure
you let him walk into a den of depravity
like a lamb among wolves 😭
Tsugeura:
HARUKA ARE YOU OKAY
DID THEY HURT YOU
DID THEY USE TONGUE
Hiragi:
i’m having an aneurysm
this is worse than turf wars
this is PERSONAL
Ren:
what… did you do
exactly
and do we need bleach for our brains
Sakura:
uh
i remember their hands were
on my hips
and then they kind of
brushed up against my ears and—
Kiryu:
NO
NOOOOO
HE HAS A WEAK SPOT??
Suo:
Sakura
sweetheart
light of my damn life
please finish that sentence slowly 😩
Sakura:
when they touched my ears i
shivered?
and kind of—
moaned a little?
i didn’t mean to ok it just HAPPENED
my legs gave out a bit
Umemiya:
I AM GOING TO RIP THAT PERSON IN HALF
AND THEN IN HALF AGAIN
Nirei:
YOU MOANED???
AND YOU STAGGERED???
SOMEONE TOUCHED YOUR EARS AND GOT A REACTION???
Togame:
i’ve been trying to get that exact result with flirty glances for THREE YEARS 😭
Sakura:
and then their hand was on my thigh
and i was already drunk and kind of overheating
and then—
Kiryu:
DON’T SAY IT
DON’T SAY IT
I CAN’T TAKE IT
Sakura:
and i might’ve
given them a handjob
against a wall
and bit their neck a little
[Kiryu has left the chat.]
[Kiryu has rejoined the chat.]
[Kiryu is screaming. Emotionally.]
Anzai:
someone hold me
i’m having a spiritual crisis
because the love of my life is apparently feral when drunk and i missed it
Suo:
was it fast or slow 😌
were you gentle
did you talk to them
did you growl
TELL ME EVERYTHING
Sakura:
i was too drunk to talk
just
breathing hard
and my hand moved on its own
and they were panting and—
Umemiya:
I WILL SLAUGHTER EVERY MALE IN THAT CLUB
AND THEN THE BARTENDER
AND THEN CHOJI
Choji:
hey.
i got him water.
i did not know he’d go gremlin mode after two tequila shots.
Yuto:
HE GAVE A STRANGER A HANDJOB IN A DARK CORNER AND SAID NOTHING ABOUT IT UNTIL NOW???
Takeshi:
he’s describing it like a street fight
but with more breathing and fewer clothes
Tsubakino:
HE BIT SOMEONE’S NECK
HE BIT THEM
I WANT TO BE THAT NECK
Tsugeura:
haruka did you WASH your hands 😭
Kotoha:
this is a crisis
this is not a drill
we have to quarantine him from horny environments
Suo:
no
we have to TAKE him to horny environments 😇
but with supervision
and low lighting
and my hands on his thighs instead
Sakura:
i’m not doing that again
when i’m drunk
i wanna try when i’m sober
it felt…
really good
but i want to remember everything next time
Anzai:
I JUST TOOK 30 PSYCHIC DAMAGE FROM THAT SENTENCE
Kiryu:
“i want to remember everything”
do you have ANY idea what you’re doing to me 😩
Togame:
imagine him
calm
collected
sober
intentional
touching
licking
stroking
moaning
Umemiya:
SAY LESS
I WILL WRITE THAT FANFICTION MYSELF
I AM THE FAN AND THE FICTION
Nirei:
he wants to try again.
he WANTS to repeat the sin.
but with clarity.
and thigh contact.
i need a drink.
Ren:
everyone calm down
he’s just curious
he didn’t sell his soul to lust
Yuto:
he bit a man
and made another one come
with his hands
Suo:
and thighs
don’t forget
his thighs are a weak spot
and that’s all i needed to develop several theories and several problems
Kiryu:
if i ever get my hands on those thighs
i’m going to be so respectful
and then so filthy 😌
Togame:
i want to whisper in his ear
and see if he collapses
for science
Anzai:
whoever that guy was
i hope he enjoyed his final moments
because he’s dead now
Umemiya:
I’M COMING FOR YOU, CHOJI
Choji:
HEY
NO
WHAT DID I DO
Suo:
you unleashed the beast 😌
and we weren’t ready
you took a rare orchid
and left it in a sex jungle
Kiryu:
you gave alcohol to a forbidden prince
and now he knows how hands work
Togame:
i bet his drunk kisses are sloppy and messy and perfect
i bet he groaned into their mouth 😩
Sakura:
i did
he grabbed my waist
and i… uh
pressed into him
and we both—
Nirei:
I’M SCREAMING
IM ACTUALLY SCREAMING
Kotoha:
i want all of you sterilized
Yuto:
i want Sakura removed from all clubs forever
and escorted only by trained monks
Takeshi:
i’m writing a government ban on him drinking ever again
Ren:
too late
he unlocked the first level of sensuality
and now the simps are frothing
Tsubakino:
how is he sexy even when he’s confused and embarrassed???
Tsugeura:
how do i erase this chat from my brain
but keep the part where he said “i want to remember everything” 😭
Hiragi:
this is worse than gang war
and more emotionally scarring
Choji:
ok ok
look
HE consented
HE had fun
I got him home safe
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE THIRST APOCALYPSE
Suo:
you let my future husband discover thigh sensitivity
WITHOUT ME.
Kiryu:
and EAR sensitivity
his EARS
do you know what i would GIVE
to brush his hair back and make him tremble
Anzai:
i’m forming a kill squad
first target: club guy
second: choji
third: my own sanity
Umemiya:
Sakura
baby
next time you want to explore
text me
i’ll bring the water
the consent
and the handcuffs
Sakura:
...
i hate all of you
i’m going to sleep
DO NOT bring this up again
Choji:
[Photo: Sakura passed out, arm over eyes, messy hair, red ears.]
caption: “sensuality is exhausting”
[Kiryu has left the chat.]
[Kiryu has rejoined the chat.]
[Group renamed by Togame: “THE THIGH FILES 🔥”]
[Umemiya pinned a message: “operation FIND CLUB GUY starts tomorrow. bring weapons. bring holy water.”]
Notes:
COME ON GUYS , DROP YOUR IDEAS , WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE NEXT !
YOU CAN CHECK MY PROFILE FOR MORE SAKURA-CENTRIC FICS
Chapter 3
Summary:
“The Sakura Situation™: Yamato Is Touching What's Ours”
Chapter Text
🧍♂️[Scene: IRL – Empty Training Hall, Evening. Post-Noroshi Arc.]
The lights in the old gym flickered slightly. The air smelled like sweat and wood polish.
Haruka Sakura stood in the center of the floor, arms up, breathing hard, shirt clinging to his back.
Yamato Endo circled him slowly, lips curled into a lazy smile.
“You’ve gotten better.”
“You’re faster. Cleaner. But still…”
He stepped forward quickly and swept Sakura’s legs out from under him.
“Not fast enough.”
Sakura hit the mat with a grunt, brows furrowed as he looked up, chest rising.
“You’re still too aggressive,” Sakura muttered, wiping his brow. “No control.”
“I like that you notice.”
Yamato crouched down beside him, voice dangerously low.
“I like that you’re watching me so closely.”
He reached out and tucked a damp strand of hair behind Sakura’s ear.
Sakura blinked. Flushed. Stiffened slightly.
“Endo—”
“You breathe so pretty when you’re worn out, Sakura.”
That was when Sakura shoved him off—fast and annoyed.
“Stop flirting while I’m down,” he growled.
“I’m not your type.”
Yamato only chuckled and leaned back, licking his lips like he’d tasted something promising.
“You’re exactly my type. I just haven’t decided how I want you yet.”
Sakura stood up quickly and turned his back to him, ignoring the way his ears felt hot.
Yamato just smirked behind him.
📱GROUP CHAT: “Bofurin™ Business Only 😇🔥 (Sakura Don’t Read)”
Nirei:
🚨EMERGENCY🚨
I JUST SAW ENDO TRY TO MAKE OUT WITH SAKURA DURING SPARRING
Suo:
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME 😡
Kiryu:
OH YOU’RE FUCKING LYING
tell me you’re lying
SAY IT
Togame:
No. No. No.
This isn’t happening.
I JUST HAD BREAKFAST.
Anzai:
HE DID WHAT TO OUR SHY, BEAUTIFUL, VIOLENT PRINCESS??? 😭
Umemiya:
WHERE
IS
YAMATO
I JUST NEED HIS LOCATION AND A SHOVEL
Yuto:
Please tell me you're all overreacting
please tell me this is another horny hallucination
Nirei:
He called his breathing pretty
tucked his hair behind his ear
said
“I haven’t decided how I want you yet”
I’M GONNA THROW UP
Kiryu:
I’m literally sobbing
he’s using hot villain lines on our baby????
Kotoha:
You people need to shut down this group chat
and your hormones
immediately
Choji:
Okay but wait
Was he hot while doing it
Togame:
HE’S ALWAYS HOT
That’s the problem
He’s hot
Tattooed
Unemotional
Possessive
And our baby blushed when he said it
Tsubakino:
Sakura blushed??
Oh no.
This is how the downfall begins 😭
Tsugeura:
WE NEED TO INTERVENE
WE NEED TO REPROGRAM HIM WITH WHOLESOME HEADPATS
Hiragi:
You all act like he’s not an adult
Sakura can handle himself
Even if he does have dumb taste sometimes
Takeshi:
Yeah well
His dumb taste just flirted with him mid-fight and stared at his mouth like a snack
So we’re spiraling
Ren:
What is this
The Hunger Games but for who gets to ride Sakura??
Anzai:
Exactly
And Yamato’s cheating
With his stupid arms
And his scarred fingers
And his “I worshiped Takiishi like a god and now I wanna lick you” attitude
Suo:
We’re doing it
We’re making the presentation
RIGHT FUCKING NOW
Kiryu:
I’ve already opened Canva
We go live in 30 minutes 😤
Umemiya:
Let’s ruin Yamato’s chances with the power of desperate, horny, righteous love 💪
📱Group Chat: “Bofurin™ Business Only 😇🔥 (Sakura Don’t Read)”
Suo:
Sakura’s too close to the abyss.
We’re losing him to the Tattooed Temptation™.
It’s time to remind him who the real threats to his purity are 😌
Togame:
I’m already writing my section.
Titled: “Why You Should Let Me Hit Instead of Discount God Worshipper™”
Anzai:
Okay but should we keep it classy or go full unhinged and horny
Kiryu:
There is no class in war.
Only thighs.
And desperation.
Let’s go feral.
Umemiya:
Agreed.
Let’s show him what devotion looks like
And also what we’d do to him if he gave us a chance
Respectfully.
...Mostly.
🖥️ SHARED FILE: “Why You Should Date Literally Anyone Here Instead of Yamato ‘Spineless, Tongue-Happy, Tattooed Gremlin’ Endo”
SLIDE 1 – TITLE PAGE
💔 “BECAUSE YOU DESERVE A MAN WHO LOVES YOU, NOT ONE WHO WANTS TO STUDY YOU LIKE A SCIENCE PROJECT”
Presented by: The Sexually Frustrated Council of Sakura Simps™
SLIDE 2 – SECTION: Kiryu's Erotic Elegance
Subtitle: “The Right Hands For Your Wrong Days”
-
I can touch you without needing a sparring excuse 😌
-
I have rings. Imagine what those feel like between your thighs.
-
I’d call you pretty and feed you fruit. In bed. Shirtless. Sweaty.
-
I’ve memorized the exact way you breathe when you’re turned on. Yes. I’ve heard it. I dream of it.
-
Yamato touches you like he wants to brand you.
I’d touch you like you’re art I’m not allowed to ruin.
SLIDE 3 – SECTION: Umemiya’s Loyalty & Tongue Techniques
Subtitle: “I’ll Die For You, But Also Ride For You 🏍️”
-
Been by your side longer than anyone.
-
You’ve seen me fight. Now let me show you how I fuck. 😌
-
My stamina? Let’s just say you’ll be dehydrated when I’m done.
-
Yamato wants to possess you.
I want to praise you. Loudly. On all fours. From behind.
SLIDE 4 – SECTION: Suo’s Spiritual Submission
Subtitle: “I Pray at the Church of Your Moans”
-
I do martial arts with grace. I’d make love like a disciplined sinner.
-
I wear silk. You’d look divine tangled in it.
-
I’m the type to make you come and then write you a haiku about it.
-
Yamato might choke you.
I’d cradle you. Then flip you. Then beg. Then do it again.
SLIDE 5 – SECTION: Anzai’s Slow Burn Seduction
Subtitle: “Don’t Call Me Daddy, Call Me Obsessed”
-
Have you ever been edged by someone who loves you?
-
Because I’d live between your thighs. Like a monk in meditation.
-
Yamato’s foreplay is “punch first, talk later.”
I want to see you squirm while I whisper how much I want to ruin you. -
I’ll learn every inch of your skin like scripture.
And then commit blasphemy on it.
SLIDE 6 – SECTION: Togame’s PowerPoint of Pounding
Subtitle: “Slide Into My Arms (And Maybe Something Else)”
-
Attached: hand-drawn diagrams of me making you beg 😇
-
My stamina is criminal.
-
My mouth is worse.
-
Yamato might pin you. I’d wreck you respectfully.
And then ask how your day was while massaging your feet.
SLIDE 7 – Nirei’s Emotional Breakdown
Subtitle: “I May Be Soft, But I Would Destroy A Man For You”
-
You smiled at me once and I’ve been in love since.
-
Endo gets horny when he fights you.
I get emotional when you hand me water. -
I can’t promise I’d be good at sex.
But I would cry while doing it, and tell you you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever touched. 😭
SLIDE 8 – Final Slide: "Our Oaths To You"
We, the Sakura Simps™, hereby swear:
💘 To make you come like a thunderstorm
💘 To make breakfast and apologies
💘 To never, ever let a man like Yamato Endo ruin the purity of your afterglow
💘 To outmoan him. Outlove him. Outlast him.
Umemiya:
It’s ready.
Let’s send it when he’s least suspecting.
Mid-dinner. While he’s eating soba.
Kiryu:
Caption it with something innocent
Like: “Hey, we made this for you! Hope you like it 😊💦”
Suo:
If he doesn’t faint we try again with poetry and scented candles
Tsubakino:
...I'm going to pretend I didn’t read this
But also
That line about scripture and blasphemy
Was hot
Choji:
Imagine Sakura just opening this presentation
In full silence
Blinking
And muttering:
"...why is there a diagram of Togame licking my chest??"
Yuto:
You people need God.
And a therapist.
Preferably at the same time.
Takeshi:
He’s going to block all of you
And still text Yamato back 😭
Kotoha:
He deserves better
Which unfortunately means none of you
Hiragi:
If you’d all spent this much time training
You’d be as hot as Yamato too
Ren:
And yet here we are
Trying to seduce a man who thinks forehead kisses are aggressive
📱[Sakura Receives the Presentation - IRL Scene, Later That Night]
Sakura opens his phone mid-bite.
Notification: “Why You Should Date Literally Anyone Here Instead of Yamato ‘Spineless, Tongue-Happy, Tattooed Gremlin’ Endo – SHARED WITH YOU”
He clicks it.
Stares.
Silent.
He reads:
“I’d learn every inch of your skin like scripture and then commit blasphemy on it.”
He mutters:
“...What the actual fuck.”
His face is beet red.
In the distance, Yamato sends a text:
[Yamato]: "See you tomorrow, Sakura. Same time. Wear that black tank top again."
Sakura closes all his apps.
Silently throws his phone on the couch.
And faceplants into his pillow.
📱Back in Group Chat
Sakura:
I’m not speaking to any of you.
There were DIAGRAMS.
Kiryu:
But did you like them 🥺👉👈
Suo:
Which section did you read twice 👀
Anzai:
We can make a new one
Less visuals
More voice notes
Moaning optional 😌
Togame:
I can animate mine next time 😇
Sakura:
I hate all of you
I’m going to train
WITH YAMATO
[Kiryu has disconnected.]
[Umemiya is crying in the emoji channel.]
Choji:
Damn
Tattoo Daddy wins round one
Kotoha:
You people are down BAD
Ren:
I’ve never seen people lose a war this horny before
Tsubakino:
...but maybe
he’ll ask for more diagrams 😳
[Group renamed by Nirei: “Operation Cockblock Yamato 🧨💔”]
🧍♂️[Scene: IRL – Furin Rooftop, Sunset]
Haruka Sakura is cooling off after solo training. The city spreads out below him. The wind lifts his hair slightly.
Umemiya Hajime leans back against the railing, sipping from a sports drink, watching him.
Sakura: “I’m going to be the top of Bofurin one day.”
Umemiya: smirks “That so?”
Sakura: “Yeah. Strongest. Fastest. I’ll protect this city better than anyone ever has.”
Umemiya: “Mmm… there’s a faster way, you know.”
Sakura turns, blinking.
“Faster?”
Umemiya (shrugs): “Just marry me.”
“I’ll make you top of Bofurin by association. Power couple. You punch people, I hold your umbrella. Think about it.”
Sakura stares, utterly confused.
“...Is that how promotions work?”
GROUPCHAT: “Operation Cockblock Yamato 2.0 (Marriage Arc)💍💢”
Nirei:
UMEMIYA PROPOSED MARRIAGE??!?
W H A T
Togame:
That’s not a proposal.
That’s sexually motivated corporate sabotage.
Kiryu:
Hajime “Marry Me and I’ll Make You Leader” Umemiya strikes again 😭
Was the ring edible??
Suo:
He’s right though.
Marriage is just joint tax filing and joint thigh riding 🧎♂️💦
Anzai:
Imagine marrying into Bofurin like it’s a porn plot
“New recruit seduced by hot boss with fists AND benefits”
10/10 would binge.
Choji:
...I was offline for 5 minutes.
What the hell are y’all on
Tsugeura:
Is this a fever dream
Why is leadership being offered like a dick coupon
Hiragi:
THIS IS WHY I HAVE TUMORS
This. Exactly.
You cannot marry your way into Bofurin’s throne like it’s Game of Thrones.
Tsubakino:
That’s NOT how ranks work.
Even if he did have top energy and a face worth ruining lives for.
Umemiya:
Correction: face, body, drive, stamina, thighs, rage issues = full package.
Kotoha:
I’m reporting this groupchat to HR.
Or exorcising it. Whichever works faster.
Yuto:
We need group therapy.
Immediately. Like, on Zoom. With two therapists.
Takeshi:
He thought marriage was a shortcut to becoming top.
Bro. That’s so Sakura.
Ren:
I swear to god he thinks honeymoons are fighting tournaments.
Kiryu:
I WOULD HAPPILY LOSE TO HIM IN THE FINALS
And in bed 😩
Togame:
Let’s be real
We all wanna be his final boss
And final backshot.
Nirei:
If anyone actually proposes before I do, I’m burning this school down.
Anzai:
With pleasure.
We can make it a date. 🥂
Suo:
I already have his vows written:“I vow to protect this town and rearrange your insides with love.”
Tsugeura:
Guys.
wait. Wait.
OH FUCK.
Sugishita:
I approve of whatever Umemiya approves.
Umemiya:
He trains harder than anyone I’ve ever seen.
Has no clue how much he’s wanted.
He’s basically walking hentai bait and doesn’t even know it.
I’d bend a knee.
Then bend him over.
Sakura joins the chat
Sakura:
I just read the last 78 messages.
Are you all brain-damaged.
Kiryu:
YES BUT I’M PRETTY AND LOYAL 😭
Take me, use me, bench-press me.
Anzai:
Marry me instead. I’ll give you daily back massages, emotional aftercare, and violently devoted head.
Togame:
If you’re marrying anyone, it’s ME.
I already started embroidering our initials on handcuffs.
Suo:
Haruka, baby, let me break the entire concept of self-control for you.
I’ll moan “justice” if that’s what you’re into 😩⚖️
Sakura:
I’m not dating.
I’m not marrying.
I’m trying to be strong enough to protect this town, not drown in dick offers and diamond rings.
Tsubakino:
YES
THANK YOU
PREACH
TRAIN, KING
Umemiya:
You could train on top of me
Just saying
There are options
Hiragi:
I’m going to scream.
He thinks leadership is earned through hard work.
You think it’s earned through raw d*ck energy.
Nirei:
Let him climb ME like he climbs ranks
Let me be his final exam 😭
Choji:
You all need Jesus and a permanent restraining order.
Yuto:
And bleach. For your brains.
Your entire frontal lobes are vibrating with filth.
Sakura:
I’m done.
I’m recording this because you all clearly can’t read.
Sakura:
You know what?[VOICE NOTE – 0:12]
“You’re all pathetic. I’m trying to protect this town and train to be the strongest,
and you’re all too busy drawing dicks on PowerPoints and proposing in group chats.
If I ever get married, it won’t be to a man whose cock thinks faster than his brain.”
[pause]
“Also, stop calling me baby. I will step on your throat. That’s not a threat, it’s a promise.”
Nirei:
I’ve never cum to a threat before but now I understand
Kiryu:
I’m on the floor
I’m barking
I’m naked emotionally
Umemiya:
I would wear a collar that says “spineless cockbrain” if it meant I get to marry you
Togame:
If “step on my throat” is the proposal
I’m wearing white to the wedding and no underwear
Anzai:
I’m going to change my legal name to “Baby.” Just to hear you say it again with hate in your voice 😭
Suo:
I’ve climaxed to less.
Sakura, please degrade me again. I’ll take notes.
Suo:
He could drag me by the hair across Shibuya and I’d say thank you
Togame:
I’m gonna download that voicenote and loop it until I die
It’s the only audio I need in the afterlife
Anzai:
He just degraded us and I’ve never felt more loved
Is this what marriage feels like
Nirei:
IF THIS IS HELL
I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE
HE CALLED ME A COCKBRAIN 😭😭😭
Umemiya:
I’m framing that audio
I’m making it my morning alarm
Sakura renamed the group chat:
"Shut The Fuck Up or Train 😐💥🔪"
Chapter 4: "He Cried Once and They Lost Their Minds"
Summary:
When Haruka Sakura breaks down alone in a Makochi alley after a run-in with people from his traumatic past, the found-family group chat turns into a chaotic war room. Tsubakino triggers a red alert, Tsugeura sobs, and the harem instantly spiral from concern to feral thirst.
They show up. With soup. With plushies. With unhinged murder plots.
Sakura? He just wanted peace. Instead, he gets 47 unread messages about cuddling, violence, and whether trauma makes him more attractive.Comfort was the goal. Horniness was inevitable.
Now the real challenge is... surviving the group chat.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
IRL SCENE – Streets of Makochi, Late Evening
The sun was low, dyeing the horizon in muted shades of orange and plum. A humid breeze passed through Makochi’s narrow alleys, fluttering laundry strung from windows and whistling through the cracks of old buildings.
Haruka Sakura adjusted the strap on his backpack, the plastic bag of groceries in his hand swinging slightly with each step. He'd been in Makochi for months now — a quiet town with tough people, perfect for someone who didn’t like standing out, despite everything about him making it impossible.
His half-black, half-white hair fluttered slightly in the breeze. His heterochromia eyes — piercing blue and bright gold — caught every passerby’s gaze. But in Makochi, most people just minded their business. It was peaceful here. And peaceful was all he’d ever wanted.
He passed the old hardware store near the corner of 7th Street and paused to sip from a small juice box he had grabbed from the convenience store. It was stupid, but he liked the juice boxes. Something about them reminded him of simpler things — like the warmth he never had.
A voice cracked through the moment like thunder.
“No fucking way. Haruka?”
His blood ran cold.
Sakura turned slowly, the straw still between his lips. Three men — two lanky, one broad-shouldered — all roughly in their early twenties, stood across the sidewalk. They didn’t belong in Makochi. He recognized them immediately.
They were from his old town.
And they weren’t just anyone.
They were the worst part of it.
“Tch. Still got those freak eyes,” one of them sneered. “Damn, it’s really you.”
Sakura felt his shoulders tense, but he didn’t take a step back.
“Didn’t think you’d survive this long. What, still sleeping in that shed behind your aunt’s house?”
Laughter. Low, ugly laughter.
“What’s the matter, mutt? Lost your tongue? Still scared we’re gonna lock you in that chicken coop again?”
The memories struck like ice water.
The smell of mildew in that dark shed.
The sting of bruises from older boys twice his size.
The whispers. The names. Mongrel. Freak. Stray.
They weren’t just bullies. They had tried to erase his existence.
But Haruka Sakura wasn’t that kid anymore.
He slowly pulled the straw from his lips and let it drop.
“Wow,” he said, calmly. “You still look like trash.”
The three blinked.
“No, really. Like, I thought people matured. But apparently you just aged like milk.”
He smiled. That cold, cutting smirk that made grown men flinch on the battlefield.
“Also — just to clarify — I live alone now. Got a place. Got a team. And I’d rather lick rust than acknowledge you as anything other than background noise.”
That did it.
The tallest one scowled, stepping forward.
“What the fuck did you say—”
“Touch me,” Sakura interrupted, voice flat, “and I’ll rip your arm out of its socket before you hit the ground. I've got nothing to lose and one hell of a right hook. Wanna test it?”
Silence.
The kind of silence where someone realizes they’re not in charge anymore.
He stepped past them, bag in one hand, expression unreadable. No flinch. No fear. Just a ghost passing three graves.
But as soon as he turned the corner…
It hit.
Like a tsunami.
The moment his back was to the world, his knees buckled.
He ducked into an alley — narrow, dark, quiet.
Dropped his bag.
Slid down the wall.
And broke.
His hands trembled, fists clenched at his sides.
His shoulders began to shake, and his breath hitched in his chest.
“I’m not that kid anymore… I’m not… I’m not…”
He repeated the words like a mantra.
But his voice cracked. Then cracked again.
Tears slipped down his cheeks, silent, warm, unwanted.
No one had the right to do this to him anymore. Not them. Not anyone.
He had clawed his way to peace.
He had earned Makochi. Furin. His place.
He had friends now.
People who believed in him.
People who saw him.
And yet… all it took was three voices from his past to turn him into a ghost again.
“I’m not weak,” he whispered. “I’m not…”
His body folded into itself. Fists buried against his knees, face hidden. The cool brick pressed against his back, anchoring him as his breath dissolved into trembling sobs.
A shadow appeared at the end of the alley.
He didn’t register it.
“Haruka?”
The voice was soft. Familiar. Not pitying — alarmed.
“...Sunshine?”
Sakura looked up.
Eyes wide. Shimmering.
Tsubakino stood there, heels clicking softly against the concrete. His eyes took one look at Sakura’s face and hardened.
No questions.
No words.
Just quiet fury.
Tsubakino pulled off his jacket and gently laid it over Sakura’s shoulders.
Sakura flinched — but didn’t move away.
“I’m here,” Tsubakino murmured. “You don’t have to talk.”
He reached for his phone.
Eyes cold as steel.
He opened the group chat.
And typed.
📱GROUP CHAT: “BOFURIN & SHISHITOREN 🔥— HQ💢”
Tsubakino:
⚠️ WHO THE FUCK HURT MY LITTLE SUNSHINE???
⚠️ I FOUND SAKURA IN AN ALLEY IN MAKOOCHI — CRYING.
⚠️ HE’S SHAKING. WHO. DID. THIS.
Hiragi:
WAIT WHAT???
You’re not serious.
What the hell happened?
Tsugeura:
😭😭 NOOOOOO NOT HIM
WHO TOUCHED OUR TINY PRECIOUS VIOLENCE GREMLIN
Yuto:
He went out for groceries... what the hell happened in just 20 minutes??
Takeshi:
Someone say something.
Did anyone go with him?
Kiryu:
He went alone.
Because he thought it would be fine.
Because he always thinks he can handle everything alone. 😡
Umemiya:
I’m putting on shoes.
Someone send me a name. Or a picture. Or blood.
Nirei:
EXCUSE ME
EXCUSE MEEEEEE
I’M GONNA RIP THEIR TEETH OUT AND TURN THEM INTO EARRINGS FOR SAKURA
Anzai:
You guys
you guys
I just dropped my phone into my ramen
WHO HURT HIM??
Togame:
Someone from his past
That’s the only thing that makes sense
You think it was family?
Choji:
He said he had relatives in the old town
Didn’t talk much about them.
Always changed the subject.
Kotoha:
You don’t cry like that unless it’s deep-rooted
This wasn’t some random fight
This was history
Ren:
...
I’m trying not to get emotional but
Sakura crying alone in a dark alley is something that will live rent-free in my nightmares
Sugishita:
Find them.
I’ll hold them down.
Umemiya can swing.
Umemiya:
Copy that.
Full offense mode activated 🔪
Suo:
I’ll bring him tea
And burn sage in case this was spiritual trauma
Also some self-defense books in case he wants closure 😌
Kiryu:
He doesn’t need books.
He needs a house full of people who’d kill for him
(Which, conveniently, is exactly what he has.)
Togame:
I just ordered him three weighted plushies and a new hoodie
I don’t care if he doesn’t ask. He needs them.
Nirei:
I’m bringing my limited edition Sakura keychain for him to hold.
YES it’s his face.
NO I’m not explaining how I got it.
YES IT'S NORMAL.
Yuto:
It is absolutely not normal.
But okay.
Tsubakino:
He hasn’t spoken a word since I found him.
But he leaned on me.
I’m not leaving his side.
Kotoha:
Good. Stay with him.
Let him cry if he needs to.
He’s been strong for too long.
Anzai:
I’m making a playlist called “Songs to Bury Your Childhood Bullies To”
Suggestions welcome
Suo:
Track 1: “No Body, No Crime” by Taylor Swift
Tsugeura:
Can I hug him or is he in don’t-touch-me mode?? 😭
Tsubakino:
Let me gauge it first.
He accepted my jacket.
So maybe soft touches only.
Umemiya:
Everyone gear up.
We’re going to his place tonight.
Quiet support. No crowding. No questions.
Kiryu:
Just presence.
Love.
And maybe a few knives in our pockets 🥰
Nirei:
I CALL DIBS ON HIS COUCH
I WILL PROTECT HIS DOOR LIKE A GUARD DOG
Choji:
You guys are insane.
And honestly?
Good. Keep that energy. Let’s go protect our boy.
IRL SCENE — Sakura’s Apartment, Later That Night
The knock was soft.
Almost hesitant.
Haruka Sakura sat curled up on his small futon, blanket wrapped tightly around his shoulders. He hadn’t changed out of his uniform yet. He hadn’t really moved since he got home. The sound startled him, but only slightly.
He didn't answer.
He didn’t have to.
Because a second later, Tsubakino opened the door with the spare key he’d been given (read: stole) weeks ago.
“It’s just me,” he said gently.
Sakura blinked at him, eyes red but dry now.
Behind Tsubakino, there was movement.
A lot of movement.
And then, like a tide bursting through a dam, they all came in.
Umemiya was first, towering and casual as if walking into his own home. He dropped a giant tote bag full of warm food onto the table and didn’t even comment when he saw Sakura curled into himself. He just crouched down, offered a small grin, and ruffled his hair softly.
“You don’t have to say anything, y’know,” he murmured. “We’re just here.”
Kiryu entered next, dragging a massive comforter printed with pastel cats, a plush frog, and a small cup of pudding with a smiley face sticker on it.
“This frog has healing powers,” he whispered with deadly seriousness. “Trust me.”
Suo glided in after, already steeping tea like this was a routine spa intervention.
“Peppermint, for nerves,” he offered, placing the cup gently by Sakura’s hands. “I’ll hold the murder plots until you're feeling better.”
Nirei was third to last, but the loudest.
He stormed in, eyes wide, arms full of stuff — a weighted pillow, manga, a phone charger, and a baseball bat.
“I swear to god if ANYONE even looks at you wrong again, I’m turning their skeleton into a birdcage.”
Sakura blinked. Snorted softly.
Togame and Anzai arrived together, casually like they just passed by. One brought hair ties and healing crystals. The other brought chili fries and a pink taser.
Tsugeura gave him a protein bar and an energy drink, his lips wobbling the whole time like he was fighting tears.
“You can scream into my chest if you need to, bro.”
Kotoha, Ren, Yuto, and Takeshi came in quietly. They didn’t crowd him. Kotoha gave a nod, set a tray of hot miso soup on the stove, and gave Sakura a look that said, You matter. Eat when you can. Ren and Takeshi joined Suo in pretending to care about their phones while glancing at Sakura every three seconds.
Yuto hovered near the window.
“You don't have to explain anything,” he said, folding his arms. “But we’ll be here every time. No exceptions.”
No one brought up what happened.
No one asked for the story.
They just… settled in.
They filled the room with warmth and noise and familiar energy.
Suo put on lo-fi jazz. Kiryu folded his laundry. Nirei tried to install a fireproof camera system. Tsubakino wrapped another blanket around Sakura’s shoulders while muttering something about “emotional insulation.”
Umemiya leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed, smile soft.
“You’re safe here, y’know.”
Sakura nodded slowly.
He didn’t say much.
But when he reached forward, took the tea, and sipped it without flinching, the group collectively breathed a silent sigh of relief.
They didn’t need to hear what happened.
They just needed him to know: He wasn’t alone anymore.
And he never would be again.
📱GROUP CHAT: “BOFURIN & SHISHITOREN 🔥— HQ💢”
Sakura:
thank you
for everything
for not making me talk
and for showing up
even if you’re all way too loud and insane
Kiryu:
He’s ALIVE 😭😭😭
Umemiya:
Our boy’s texting 😤
That’s it. I’m crying in the hallway.
Suo:
Oh? What’s this emotion in my chest? Is this pride? Affection? Possibly arousal?? 🫠
Nirei:
I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL BE A GOOD BOY JUST LET ME HOLD YOUR HAND ONCE 😭
Anzai:
He said “thank you.” That’s enough serotonin to last me until next week.
Togame:
If anyone ever tries to break you again, I will personally break international laws to protect you. 💕
Tsugeura:
Sakura I have more frog plushies if you need them I CAN BRING THEM TOMORROW 🐸🐸🐸
Kotoha:
Just say the word and we’ll burn their house down. No questions. No survivors. 💅
Ren:
You’re strong.
But we’re stronger together.
Yuto:
We got you, kid. Always.
Takeshi:
You’re not alone. You never were.
Sakura:
...
I’m glad I came to Makochi.
I didn’t know this kind of family existed.
Kiryu:
CRYING. SOBBING. I’M GONNA KISS YOUR FOREHEAD IF I GET PERMISSION 😭😭
Nirei:
YOU HEAR THAT?
THE KING HIMSELF SAID WE’RE FAMILY
I’M GETTING THIS TATTOOED ON MY SPINE 🔥
Umemiya:
I knew you were special, kid.
Now let’s make sure the world never forgets it.
Suo:
Let’s be real:
He’s the sun.
And we’re just lucky to orbit around him ☀️
Sakura’s safe. He’s recovering.
And naturally, that means the simps are back on their bullshit.
📱GROUP CHAT: “BOFURIN & SHISHITOREN 🔥— HQ💢”
Sakura:
anyway
i’m gonna sleep now
stop sending me memes of kiryu’s frog plush making out with suigishita’s knife
good night
Nirei:
WAIT WAIT WAIT
YOU DIDN’T EVEN SAY “I LOVE YOU” BACK
Kiryu:
He said “good night”
WHICH IS BASICALLY “I LOVE YOU” IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT
Anzai:
Is it illegal to be this sexy while emotionally vulnerable or is that just a sakura-exclusive trait?
Togame:
He cried and my brain went
“oh no he’s broken 🥺 let’s FIX HIM with head 🥰”
Umemiya:
🧍♂️
You guys realize he’s trying to rest after a trauma response, right??
Suo:
Trauma makes people hot. Don’t ask me why. It’s just science.
He was sobbing and all I could think was:
“Let me console you with my mouth.”
Tsubakino:
HE’S STILL READING THESE YOU HORNY DISEASED GOBLINS
GET A HOLD OF YOURSELVES
Sakura (read 👀)
Kiryu:
I am holding myself 😌
Emotionally
And possibly physically if he lets me 🫦
Choji:
Y’all need the kind of church that throws holy water through a fire hose
Tsugeura:
✨ I’m just here to support Sakura ✨
but also if he wants to touch abs for comfort I volunteer 🫡
Nirei:
DO YOU KNOW HOW FAST I WOULD GET PREGNANT IF HE EVEN BREATHED MY WAY???
Suo:
Girl same.
I’d be barefoot, in the kitchen, and emotionally stable by sundown if he told me “thank you” one more time
Togame:
Me showing up to Sakura’s door in a silk robe with a contract titled:
“Marriage, Combat, and Mutual Head Pats: A Proposal”
Yuto:
I beg you
I beg you all
Let the man nap before offering your bodies and last names
Ren:
We helped him cry
Now they want to help him moan
Evolution, I guess?
Kotoha:
I’m impressed with how fast the chat went from comfort to cum
Umemiya:
EVERYONE
GET
A
GRIP
Anzai:
Let him rest
...Then let him sit on my face respectfully 🙏
Sakura (read 👀👀)
Suo:
He’s still reading 🫠
Do you think he’s blushing? Or blocking us?
Tsubakino:
If he blocks you it’ll be deserved
Sakura:
i’m not blushing
i’m just warm
from rage
go to sleep
Kiryu:
🥺 yes love
Nirei:
Goodnight, my emotionally damaged battle angel.
Dream of punching your bullies and waking up in my arms 🫶
Umemiya:
NO
BAD SIMP
LOG OFF
Choji:
i feel like this is a sex cult with a really nice healing arc
Tsugeura:
so like... shonen + aftercare 😌
Kotoha:
i’m not mad
i’m just disappointed
but also slightly aroused
Sakura (last message):
i hate all of you
except tsuguera and maybe tsubakino
goodnight again
Anzai:
“maybe tsubakino”
OOOOH THE REST OF US TOOK THAT PERSONALLY 🔥
Kiryu:
New goal: become the “maybe”
Then the “okay I guess”
Then the “fine you can stay over”
Suo:
I’m buying him matching pajamas and a toothbrush.
I will be a wife whether he likes it or not 😌
Togame:
God gives his hardest battles to his hottest little trauma boys
and his most delulu soldiers to me apparently
Ren:
This is why people think we're a cult.
Yuto:
Correction.
We are.
Umemiya:
Okay.
Everyone off the chat.
NOW.
Next person who sexts Sakura while he’s emotionally raw is getting benched from patrol for a week.
Suo:
🧍♂️ what if i send a poem?
Umemiya:
BENCHED.
Nirei:
what if i just send thighs pic
Umemiya:
BLOCKED.
Kiryu:
what if i just send a peaceful frog gif
Sakura (read 👀👀👀)
❤️
Kiryu:
OHMYGOD
I GOT A HEART
I AM HIM
I AM VICTORIOUS
PUT THAT ON MY GRAVE
Notes:
I HOPE YOU GUYS ARE ENJOYING THE SERIES , I'M TRYING TO TAKE EVERYONE'S REQUEST IN CONSIDERATION . ENDO WILL HAVE A PERMANENT SEAT IN GC BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT FOR FEW CHAPTERS AS I'LL DEVELOP THEIR RELATIONSHIP A LITTLE MORE BEFORE ADDING HIM . ANYWAYS HOPE Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY AND I'M ABLE TO BRING A SMILE ON YOUR FACES .
Chapter 5: “Your Boyfriend Left You for Him? Get in Line.”
Summary:
In which a random girl sobs into Kiryu’s matcha latte at Pothas because her boyfriend dumped her… for a boy.
That boy? Haruka Sakura.
What begins as a tragic tale of heartbreak turns into an unholy digital meltdown as Bofurin's resident simps spiral into full DEFCON-69 mode over the discovery that Sakura is out here accidentally flipping sexualities just by breathing.
The harem descend into chaos, thirst, and murder plots, desperate to protect their oblivious thigh god from a wave of jealous ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends, and awakening queers. Meanwhile, Sakura just wants to eat soba and train.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
The wind outside stirred the Pothas curtains like lazy fingers through water. It was warm inside, the aroma of roasted beans mixing with cinnamon and burnt sugar. The hum of casual chatter floated around the café, low and relaxing.
Kiryu sat near the window, one leg crossed over the other, tapping rhythmically on his phone as he sipped his iced matcha latte. His pink hair was loosely tied back, face freshly moisturized, and earbuds looped around his neck even though he wasn't listening to anything.
It was his usual decompression hour—tea, light journaling, and answering two dozen thirsty group chat notifications about Haruka Sakura.
But the moment he noticed the girl crying at the counter, the entire air shifted.
She looked like she’d tried to hide it. Puffy eyes, smudged mascara, trying not to sniff too loudly as she ordered a caramel latte with shaky fingers. Her blazer looked expensive, her expression—wrecked.
Kiryu watched in silence, his sharp green eyes narrowing with concern. He wasn’t nosy, but he was empathetic.
When she turned and spotted the empty seat at his table, she hesitated.
“Are you… um, is anyone sitting—?”
“Go ahead,” Kiryu said softly, gesturing to the seat across from him.
The girl slid into the chair, clasping her trembling hands in her lap. She didn’t speak for a while. Just stared at the café floor, trying to blink back tears.
Kiryu gave her space. Then, gently:
“Rough day?”
She sniffled. Nodded.
“You… don’t have to talk,” Kiryu offered, sipping calmly. “But if you want to, I’m here.”
Silence. Then, a bitter laugh.
“My boyfriend broke up with me. Two hours ago.”
Kiryu raised a brow.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s stupid,” she muttered. “I just—he said he couldn’t be with me because he’s… not into girls anymore. And that he realized it because of someone else.”
Kiryu’s matcha hit different just then.
“That’s… intense.”
“And worse, he said he wasn’t even in love with the person. Just that being around them made him question everything. His words.”
Kiryu slowly set his cup down.
“Who’s the person?”
She reached into her coat pocket and pulled out her phone. With trembling fingers, she turned the screen toward him.
A blurry, obviously zoomed-in photo. The kind you get from the shadows of a hallway corner. But Kiryu would recognize that silver-black hair and mismatched eyes anywhere.
Haruka Sakura.
The boy in the photo had his sleeves rolled up, sweat on his collarbone, and his fists taped like he had just walked out of training. He was scowling at someone off-camera—probably threatening them with violence—and somehow still looked like a divine creature sculpted for gay awakening.
Kiryu stared at the phone.
Then blinked.
Then stared again.
“This is… Sakura.”
“You know him?” she asked, surprised.
Kiryu nodded slowly.
“He’s our classmate.”
A pause.
Then his face darkened.
“I see.”
“I just wanted to vent,” the girl said quickly. “I’m not… mad at your friend. It’s not his fault. He didn’t do anything. It’s just… his presence.”
“Right,” Kiryu said flatly. “His aura.”
He leaned back in his chair and exhaled through his nose.
“Thank you for telling me. I’ll… take it from here.”
The girl looked confused but grateful.
Kiryu, meanwhile, unlocked his phone.
He scrolled past ten messages from Nirei complaining about how Sakura’s hoodie sleeve brushed his arm during homeroom and how he’d “transcended into a different plane.”
He found the group chat.
And typed.
Kiryu:
WE HAVE A PROBLEM. CODE: GAY-AWAKENING.
📱 Group Chat: "BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN // Emergency 🥵"
Kiryu:
ALERT. GIRL CRIED TO ME IN POTHAS. SAID HER BOYFRIEND LEFT HER FOR A GUY.Kiryu:
GUESS WHO THAT GUY WAS.
I’ll wait.
Nirei:
IF IT'S SAKURA I'M GOING TO SCREAM INTO A PILLOW AND JERK OFF AT THE SAME TIME
Umemiya:
NO
NOOOOO
NO ONE ELSE IS ALLOWED TO HAVE A SEXUAL AWAKENING VIA MY FUTURE HUSBAND 😡😡
Suo:
He’s radiating pheromones again, isn’t he 😩Suo:
I told you all—he’s a walking gay panic beacon with the body of a god and the attitude of a pissed-off cat. Irresistible.
Togame:
WHO IS THIS BF
WHO
DID
IT
I’M GETTING MY NUNCHAKU
I’M GOING TO GAYBASH A GAY
Anzai:
That’s our thing. He’s OUR shared delusion.
You don’t just wake up gay because he cracked his neck in the hallway.
Kiryu:
She showed me a zoomed pic. He was training. Dripping sweat. Wrists taped. Scowling like he just disrespected your whole bloodline. He was ✨ radiant ✨.
Nirei:
I NEED TO SEE THAT PICTURE
FOR SCIENTIFIC REASONS
I WILL USE IT TO MEDITATE
Choji:
you’re all going to hell
and i hope it’s sweaty there because apparently that’s what you like
Kotoha:
Please.
Let Sakura live ONE day without inspiring either trauma or thirst crimes.
Yuto:
Does he KNOW his looks are causing social restructuring?
Tsugeura:
🥺 my sunshine is accidentally awakening people’s suppressed sexualities again isn’t he
i knew this day would come
Hiragi:
I’m gonna say this once.
Stop calling this “gay awakening syndrome.”
Call it what it is:
Sakura Haruka Disease (SHD)
Symptoms include nosebleeds, sudden homosexuality, and ruinous thoughts.
Tsubakino:
Imagine seeing our baby just EXIST and deciding "yep I’m throwing my girlfriend into the void for this boy" 💅
I support it
But I also want names. For reasons. Violent ones.
Suo:
It’s not even fair.
His thighs jiggle once during a jump and five people realize they’re no longer straight.
Nirei:
I heard he licked his lip during sparring today. I came.
I’m not ashamed.
I AM HUMAN.
Umemiya:
WHAT IF MORE BOYFRIENDS ARE FALLING??
WHAT IF THIS IS A PATTERN
WE NEED TO INVESTIGATE.
WE NEED… A LIST.
Kiryu:
Already compiling a spreadsheet. Columns:
Girl’s name
Broken BF name
Point of awakening
Sakura outfit log
Potential risk of stalking
Our personal mental stability score (spoiler: it’s all zero)
Anzai:
We’re gonna need to start issuing “Back Off He’s God’s Favorite” pamphlets.
Togame:
I think it’s time.
Time to make the “I LOVE SAKURA MORE THAN U” presentation 2.0
Umemiya:
Make it interactive.
Last time I moaned during my speech and he deleted the chat 💀
Suo:
Okay but hear me out:
A live poll.
“Who would die for Sakura?”
“Who would let him spit in their mouth?”
“Who has already jacked off to the way he kicks people in fights?”
Yuto:
Can I log out permanently or is that a crime
Ren:
you’re all under arrest
for public obscenity
and spiritual disgrace
Choji:
And you’re planning a presentation??
Togame:
Yes.
PowerPoint, Canva, and bloodlust.
Kiryu:
My section will be titled:
“How I’d Worship Him With My Tongue: A Thesis.”
Nirei:
Mine:
“My Bussy and His Fists: A Poetic Alignment.”
yes it rhymes. yes it’s heartfelt.
Umemiya:
I’m doing:
“Reasons to Let Me Breed You (Even Though That’s Biologically Inaccurate).”
Anzai:
I just wrote:
“Me, You, A Leash, and No One Else Matters.”
Tsugeura:
why are y’all so horny
he literally offered me a tissue when I cried and I just wanted to knit him a sweater 😭
Tsubakino:
I wanna cradle his head in my lap and tell him he’s precious
but also
like
if he called me “senpai” with that voice I’d have to leave the room
Hiragi:
Sakura could burp and one of you would nut
Nirei:
That’s… not a theory.
It’s a confession.
Kotoha:
When he finds out about this, he’s either going to kill you or file restraining orders.
Choji:
…or worse, he’ll just send one voice note and leave us all panting on the floor again.
Suo:
I still have the last one saved.
He said “You’re all annoying.”
And my back arched involuntarily.
Umemiya:
All I’m saying is: if another girl DARES cry to Kiryu because her man saw Sakura stretch and realized he was bisexual—I WILL GO FERAL
Kiryu:
Too late.
Girl #2 just followed me out of Pothas and asked, quote:
“Can you ask him to stop existing so hotly?”
Nirei:
LMAOOOOOOO
THEY’RE MAD AT HIM FOR BEING ✨ DELICIOUSLY BUILT ✨
Togame:
Sakura didn’t even try.
He probably grunted once and three people unlocked new kinks.
Anzai:
I’m starting a fan club.
“Sakura’s Aura Converts Men.”
Membership: all ex-boyfriends. And me.
Suo:
We need merch.
“Team Sakura: Your Boyfriend’s Favorite.”
Umemiya:
New rule.
If your man leaves you for Sakura,
take it as character development.
Kiryu:
You either date someone boring
Or you let your boyfriend fall for the thigh god in silence like the rest of us.
Nirei:
And honestly??
Who could blame them.
LOOK at him. He’s hot, he’s cold, he’s strong, and he calls me “annoying” like I’m the love of his life.
Yuto:
…I think you all need therapy
and Jesus
and a nap
Tsubakino:
He’s gonna see us all in the hallway tomorrow and give that look
You know
The one that says“Which one of you tweeted I had ‘cum-worthy bone structure’?”
Kiryu:
I did
and I regret nothing 🫡
Umemiya:
We protect him
We worship him
We thirst respectfully (and not so respectfully)
Nirei:
He is inevitable.
He is thighlight.
He is bussy breaker.
Choji:
You are DISGUSTINGLY DOWN BAD
Kiryu:
Down bad is a location and I live there, rent-free, in a house made of Sakura's sighs
Sakura has joined the chat.
Unread messages: 317
Sakura:
…I just opened the chat.
What the hell is "gay awakening protection patrol"
Kiryu:
Oh fuckNirei:
DELETE THE EVIDENCE
KILL THE CHAT
RUNTogame:
Pretend it’s AI
Sakura I was hacked I swearAnzai:
Babe it’s all just satire 😇
Sakura:
I’m not reading 317 messages.
Just tell me why someone told me at the gym that I’m “dangerous for national sexuality.”
Umemiya:
Because you are.
Respectfully.
And also disrespectfully. 😩
Suo:
We love you in a platonic + 47 extremely unplatonic ways, Sakura 💅🏼💦
Sakura:
…I’m going to send a voice note.
🎤 [Voice Note – 0:07]
“I hope every single one of you trips. Face-first. Onto concrete. While hard.”
Tsubakino:
oh my godKiryu:
I just cameNirei:
I’m crying
AND hardUmemiya:
He degraded us 😩
Say it again pleaseAnzai:
Put it on loop. I’m gonna play that under my pillow.Togame:
I’m making it my ringtone
Kotoha:
You’re all terminalRen:
Mentally unwellYuto:
Legally unsupervised
Sakura:
I’m muting this chat for a week.
Don’t summon me unless someone’s dying.
Or if Tsugeura needs help with homework again.
Tsugeura:
🥺 thank you bro…
Suo:
I am dying
For you
Sakura has left the chat.
Kiryu:
I love when he hurts my feelings 😩Nirei:
He degraded us and then ghosted. King behavior.Togame:
Okay but now we all need to regroup
OPERATION: THIGH HIGHNESS PROTECTION 2.0
Is still on.
Let’s go.
Notes:
GOT TOO MUCH FREE TIME SINCE I GRADUATED AND WAITING FOR MY ADMISSIONS IN MASTERS AND THIS IS THE RESULT . BRAIN-ROT IDEAS KEEP COMING AND I KEEP WRITING LMAO
Chapter 6: "Flowers, Fanfic, and Flaming Jealousy"
Notes:
ENDO HAS OFFICIALLY JOINED THE GC ! THIS IS NOT A DRILL
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The air in the outskirts of Makochi was crisp, tinged with the golden glow of a late afternoon sun. They were in a quiet clearing behind a shrine, where the trees arched overhead like a natural dome. The silence here was only broken by the wind and the quiet thud of fists meeting open palms.
Sakura grunted softly as he blocked a blow. “That the best you’ve got, Endo?”
“Please,” Endo chuckled, the tattoos on his neck shifting as he twisted his arm. “I’m going easy. You look tired.”
Sakura scoffed. “I’m not.”
“You look cute when you lie,” Endo added smoothly, sweeping under Sakura’s guard and gently grazing his waist.
“Don’t flirt while sparring,” Sakura said without heat.
“But I like multitasking.” Endo caught Sakura’s wrist. He didn’t twist. He didn’t yank. He just… held it.
Sakura’s eyes flicked down to their joined hands. “What?”
“I was thinking,” Endo said, his voice soft now, almost too quiet for the space they stood in. “After our fight in Noroshi, I kept wondering… how someone like you exists.”
Sakura blinked. “The hell does that mean?”
Endo reached into his bag. “So I brought these.”
He pulled out a small bouquet — slightly squashed, clearly homemade. Sakura blinked at it like it was a live grenade.
“…What is that?”
“They’re flowers, Sakura.”
“I know what they are.” Sakura frowned. “Why are you giving them to me?”
“Because I like you.”
Sakura’s mouth opened. Closed. “Like… like like?”
Endo tilted his head. “Yeah. In a ‘want to pin you against a tree and kiss you stupid’ kind of way. That clear enough?”
Sakura sputtered. “You—what?!”
Endo laughed, stepping closer. “Don’t worry. I’m not gonna kiss you. Not unless you ask. Which—” he gave Sakura a slow once-over, eyes full of heat, “—I think you might. Eventually.”
Sakura turned red. “What the fuck is wrong with you—”
“I’m just honest,” Endo said. “You make people lose their minds, y’know that? Even me.”
He pulled out a bento box next. “I made this too. For after training.”
Sakura opened the lid.
“…Why is there mayonnaise in the soba.”
“I thought it was cream sauce.”
Sakura stared.
“Okay, so I’m not good at cooking. But I tried. That should count for something.”
Sakura hesitated. “Thanks. I guess.”
They sat together in the grass. Sakura ate (cautiously), Endo watching him like he was the goddamn moon. When Sakura said, “This is actually not bad,” Endo almost dropped dead on the spot.
“You wanna hang out again next week?” Endo asked, casual.
Sakura shrugged. “I guess.”
Endo smirked. “Careful, Sakura. I might take that as a yes to my heart.”
And before Sakura could react, Endo reached out and brushed a stray blade of grass from his cheek — thumb dragging across his jaw.
Sakura froze.
They held eye contact.
“…You’ve got a dumb face,” Sakura muttered, flustered.
Endo’s grin grew feral.
“I wanna ruin you.”
“W-What?”
“I said I wanna train you. Calm down, angel.”
“You didn’t say train—!”
Endo leaned in just a little. “You’re blushing.”
“Shut up.”
“I can’t wait to see what other colors I can make you turn.”
[SCENE CUT TO: NIREI HIDING BEHIND A TREE, EYES WIDE AS DINNER PLATES]
Nirei whispers into his phone, panic-laced:
“HE BROUGHT HIM FLOWERS. HE MADE HIM MAYONNAISE SOBA. THEY’RE FLIRTING. HE’S GONNA SUCK HIS SOUL OUT I SWEAR—”
Click. He takes a blurry photo mid-hand-touch.
“I have to warn the others.”
📱GROUP CHAT: BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN // Emergency 🥵
(Title: “Operation: Stop Endo from Stealing Our Man”)Nirei:
GUYS
I JUST SAW SOMETHING I SHOULDN’T HAVE
AND I’M TRAUMATIZED
AND ALSO HORNY
I’M BOTHKiryu:
Be specific, baby.
Horny is our group default.Nirei:
🚨🚨🚨 CODE RED I REPEAT CODE RED 🚨🚨🚨
YAMATO ENDO IS TRYING TO STEAL SAKURA.
THE TATTOOED DEMON BROUGHT HIM FLOWERS AND HOMEMADE FOOD 💀💀💀Umemiya:
Oh hell no
That spineless tattooed slug is NOT trying to emotionally manipulate my husband
I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL BURY HIM BENEATH THE TRACK FIELDSuo:
Wait wait wait.
Did he bring lunch?
Did he do the whole "oh you’ve got rice on your cheek” and swipe it off with his thumb thing??Nirei:
YES
HE FED HIM A STRAWBERRY
AND SAKURA LET HIM 😭😭😭Togame:
EVERYBODY STAY CALM
I’m gonna sharpen my blades
WE’RE GOING MAN-HUNTING 🔪🔪Anzai:
Fucking THIEF.
We simp, we worship, we thirst.
And this tattooed bastard thinks he can just sneak in with a strawberry and EARN TRUST???
Unbelievable.Kiryu:
✨Hexing his aura✨
No one touches our angel unless it’s ritualistic and consensual.Umemiya:
I trained that boy.
I SPOTTED HIS SQUATS.
And now Endo is sticking his filthy Noroshi fingers on him like it’s his reward???
I will kill.Suo:
What if we make a presentation
On why Sakura should only date us and not that emotionally constipated sex gremlin Endo
Like. Slides. Graphs. Charts.Togame:
YES.
"PowerPoint to Penetration: Why You Should Choose Us™"
Slide 1: Umemiya’s AbsNirei:
WAIT.
Before that—
I FOUND THE FIC
THE ONE I WROTE IN A HORNY DAZE
IT’S STILL IN MY DRIVE
I NEVER DELETED IT
I—
OH GODChoji:
Nirei.
No.
Please tell me you’re joking.Kotoha:
He’s not.
He’s definitely not.
I already opened it.Ren:
Same.
Regret is eating me alive.Takeshi:
Is this the “Feral Bloom” doc with the shrine play???
That went around last year???
That was YOU???Yuto:
Oh my god I thought it was fanfiction.
IT IS FANFICTION
BUT FROM YOUUryu:
Do you people have a sense of shame
Or do you simply pass it around like a shared STDSeiryu:
I’m filing HR reports. I don’t care if we’re a gang.
There are LAWS.Tsubakino:
I’ve read the fic.
…Twice.
For research.
But Nirei.
You need holy water and a cage.Tsuguera:
Why did I open the shrine scene
Why am I hard and confusedAnzai:
Chapter 3 is a MASTERPIECE.
The way Sakura begs for it without knowing he’s begging???
Nirei you SICK GENIUSUmemiya:
NO
YOU ADDED EAR LICKS
AND SAID HE WHIMPERS
DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONEKiryu:
This is literary erotica and also blasphemy.
I’m bookmarking it.Suo:
I added music and a slow zoom.
We’re making this an animation.
Sakura deserves high production value.Choji:
STOP.
HE’S A MINOR.Everyone:
He’s 18. We aged up. Let us COPE 😭Nirei:
I’ll make the PowerPoint.
It’ll be called:
“Reasons Sakura Should Choose Me Instead of That Tattooed Menace: A Multimedia Breakdown”Togame:
Include dick stats.Kiryu:
Slide 5 will be:
“How I Would Fold Him Like Laundry and Treat Him to Soup After”Anzai:
Should we include that group photo where Sakura’s squatting in the rain and all our eyes are visibly feral???Suo:
Already in Slide 3. I titled it “The One Time We All Wanted To Suck Knee”Kotoha:
You are all going to hell.Takeshi:
But first we stop Endo.
For real.Seiryu:
Where is Sakura right now?Nirei:
Last seen being offered yakitori by that snake in black cargo pants.
We need to ACT FAST.Kiryu:
Deploy phase one: Show Nipples and Cry.Umemiya:
NO
Phase One is “Distract Him With Emotional Support and a Homecooked Meal”Togame:
Or we just kidnap him 🤷♀️
Shishitoren has vansChoji:
I’M RIGHT HEREYuto:
Let’s focus.
What do we do if Endo kisses him?Suo:
Cry.
Bleed.
Kill.Nirei:
I’ll write the sequel fic.
“Feral Bloom 2: Revenge of the Simps”Suo:
Alright sluts and soldiers. I’m taking charge.
We’re making this presentation SEXUAL, EMOTIONAL, and PERSUASIVE.Nirei:
I’M ON DESIGN.
✨I’m talking transitions. Moaning sound effects. Glitter fonts.✨Kiryu:
MY SECTION IS CALLED:
“Choke Me With That Belt, Sakura: Why I Deserve It™”Anzai:
I’ll do the aesthetics slide.
Visuals only. No words.
Just a loop of him stretching in that black tank top. 😩Togame:
WHO’S DOING THE “SENSITIVE AREAS” ANALYSIS
I HAVE THIGHS
I HAVE EARS
I’M NOT AFRAID TO USE THEMUmemiya:
Mine is called:
“Cohabitation Proposal: Why Sakura Should Move In With Me and Get Plowed Gently Every Night 💍🍆🥺”Choji:
He just turned 18 two months ago
Get a GRIPSuo:
He’s 18, a combat god, and he once beat up 6 men in a back alley because they looked at a kid wrong.
He can HANDLE 6 SIMPS IN BED TOO 😤Ren:
YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO EXPLODE
AND I’M NOT CLEANING IT UPTsuguera:
I clicked the Google Slides link.
Why is there a poll that says “How Would You Want Sakura To Call You in Bed”?Nirei:
🥹 Right now “senpai” is winning
But “slut” is rising fastHiragi:
I’m going to scream.
You put voice notes in here too???
I just heard one titled “sample moan.wav”Kiryu:
That’s me
I practiced for scienceUryu:
Seiryu has left the chatSeiryu (added back by Umemiya):
DID NOT LEAVE
WAS FORCIBLY YEETED BY EMOTIONAL DAMAGETsubakino:
STOP EVERYTHING
SAKURA JUST TEXTED MEEveryone:
WHAT
WHAT
WHAT DID HE SAYTsubakino (pastes message):
“hey uh endo asked if i wanted to train shirtless again is that normal lol he also said i have a ‘biteable collarbone’ whatever that means????”
Umemiya:
I’M GOING TO RIP HIS SOUL OUT THROUGH HIS COCKTogame:
NO TRAINING
NO SHIRTLESS
NO BITEABLE
NO BENTO
NO ENDOKiryu:
Do we send Sakura a cropped abs pic now
Or do we wait till he’s fully emotionally manipulatedSuo:
Send now. Strike while his ears are pink and vulnerable.Anzai:
SEND A VOICENOTE TOO
MAKE IT BREATHY
MAKE IT HAUNT HIMYuto:
Y’all really gonna send him a horny pitch deck and voice moans when he just asked if collarbones are edible???Nirei:
LOOK.
We either act now or lose him to that rat with tattoos and tragic attachment issues.Choji:
He's already fighting Endo three times a week.
Isn’t that foreplay enough?Umemiya:
No.
Not until I get pinned against a tree by him and called “dumbass” while his knuckles brush my cheek.Tsuguera:
I’m not even in the harem and I need a cigarette after reading thatTogame:
ME TOO
AND I’M STILL VOTING “THIGH WORSHIP” AS THE CLOSER SLIDEAnzai:
So are we presenting live or sending the file with custom sound?Kiryu:
We gather him in the clubroom
Dim the lights
Set the mood
And show him why he should moan for us and not moan for Endo💥 Haruka Sakura has entered the chat. 💥
—
Sakura:
What the hell is WRONG with you all.Sakura:
Slideshow called “Why My Ass Deserves Haruka-sama”???
WHO PUT TOGAME’S FACE ON A PEACH EMOJI 🍑 WITH TONGUES ON IT???Kiryu:
We can explain 😭😭😭Togame:
That was art. YOU’RE WELCOME.Umemiya:
Your ass does deserve praise tho 😩💍Suo:
Listen we were being normal until Endo showed up with his jawline and arm veins and ruined our collective sanity.Anzai:
"Normal"??? Bro, you wrote a whole love letter from the POV of Haruka’s bike seat 🚴♂️💦Nirei:
AND I’D DO IT AGAIN.
YOU EVER WATCHED HIM STRADDLE THAT BIKE??? I ASCENDED.Sakura:
This is why I train alone.Sakura:
Also. ENDŌ is JUST a sparring partner.
He bought soba ONCE. I gave him half my sandwich out of pity.Nirei:
...not the sandwich intimacy 😩Togame:
Sakura PLEASE describe the sandwich. For science.Kiryu:
Was there eye contact??? Did his lips graze your fingers???
I NEED THE TAPE.Choji:
Y’all need EXORCISM. Holy water. Cleansing fire.Tsubakino:
I swear to god I will personally unplug the internet if this continues.Sakura:
ENOUGH.Sakura:
I’m adding Endo here since you can’t shut up about him.💥 Yamato Endo has been added to the chat. 💥
—
Endo:
sup 🫡
damn. this chat’s unhinged. I like it.Anzai:
GET OUT YOU TATTOOED THOT. NO ONE INVITED YOU TO THE SAKURA SHRINE.Kiryu:
You think we won’t fight you?? I’ve choked men for less.Togame:
You touched his hand??? Guess what I’M GONNA TOUCH.
Your. Fucking. Funeral. Ur welcome 😘Umemiya:
How DARE you train shirtless with him. THAT’S MY JOB.Endo:
Aw. Jealous?
Maybe if you had his attention, you’d know how good he sounds when he pants against your ear 🙃—
🧨 [Ten Simps Screaming in Typing] 🧨
—
Suo:
I WILL BURY YOU BENEATH THE WEIGHT OF MY UNREQUITED THIRSTNirei:
I’m gonna put you in a fic.
And it won’t be a nice one 😏Togame:
NEW GOAL: OUTSLUT ENDŌ
Time to put glitter on my abs.Kotoha:
I am literally begging the earth to open up and swallow all of you.Seiryu:
This is a war crime.Tsubakino:
Haruka, blink twice if you want us to burn the chat.Sakura:
ENOUGH.
Endo, stop flirting like a budget hentai villain. You’re not even that good.—
Endo:
🥺 yes, Daddy.—
🧨💥 EVERYONE HAS DIED 💥🧨
—
Kiryu:
NOOOOOOOOOOOUmemiya:
HE CALLED HIM DADDY—OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I’M FERALAnzai:
I CAN’T COMPETE WITH THAT I’M JUST A BOY WITH A KNIFE AND A DREAMSuo:
I NEED HIM. I NEED BOTH OF THEM. I WANT TO BE THE SOBA IN THIS TRIANGLE.Nirei:
crying in horny Japanese WHY DOES THIS TURN ME ON MORETogame:
DADDY??? HE’S IN. HE’S OFFICIALLY IN THE FANCLUB.
GET HIM A CROP TOP AND THE SHRINE PASS.—
Sakura:
You’re all SICK.Sakura:
Also.
I’m going to bed.
If I see even ONE gif of me licking sweat off a sword again I’m deleting this chat and changing schools.—
Sakura:
Sleep tight 🖕✨💥 Haruka Sakura has left the chat. 💥
—
Endo:
yo does this mean I’m allowed to flirt here now? or—Kiryu:
You live. For now.Togame:
ONLY if you send training vids with sound 🔊🎧Umemiya:
Congrats. You’re in the fanclub.
Mess it up once and I will legally marry Sakura out of spite.Endo:
noted 😎Nirei:
Can we bring back the slideshow now?Everyone:
YES.—
Notes:
After graduation life has come to stop . My usual routine includes studying for competitive exam , writing fics , cooking, reading bl and fanfics and watching anime . Most fun I get is reading your comments . Also if y'all were ever part of haikyuu fandom do check my you tube channel Moonchild_anime 🌜💫
You won't be disappointed by the content there . I'll also upload windbreaker anime reaction vids in future
Chapter 7: “Sakura Haruka Simp Fanclub: Blood Pact Initiation”
Notes:
THE INITIATION CEREMONY IS HEREEEEEEE
Chapter Text
📱 GROUP CHAT: SAKURA SIMP FANCLUB – PRIVATE 🔞
Admin: Kiryu changed the chat name to:
“💦 THE HOLY CHURCH OF HARUKA SAKURA 🍑”
Kiryu:
Today… we welcome our newest member. 😌
Kiryu:
Yamato Endo, step forward and present your sin.
Endo:
I have held Haruka Sakura in my arms post-sparring. He panted. On my neck.
I have seen his thigh muscles twitch in real time.
I have bitten my fist at least four times to not moan out loud.
Umemiya:
A worthy confession 🛐
Suo:
GIVE HIM THE RITUAL PANTY CROWN 👑🩲
Nirei:
SHOW HIM THE SHRINE.
Togame:
I’m lighting the incense stick that smells like his shampoo rn 🕯️
Anzai:
Who has the book of quotes Sakura never said but I whisper to myself anyway?
Kiryu:
Me.
Page 69: “Tighten your stance.”
I read it every night.
Choji:
Y’all have a shrine??? To a real human boy????
Kotoha:
This is cult behavior.
Ren:
And you’re inducting Endo?? He’s like. A war criminal.
Yuto:
You guys have bylaws? Did you file for non-profit status?
Tsugeura:
I’m gonna report this GC to Cybercrime.
Tsubakino:
DO NOT DRAG ME INTO THIS
I only joined to stop you from kidnapping Sakura.
Seiryu:
This is worse than I imagined. I thought it was a metaphor. It’s not.
Uryu:
You made pamphlets. There’s calligraphy. WHO DID THE CALLIGRAPHY.
—
Kiryu:
SILENCE, NONBELIEVERS.
Let the ritual commence.
Umemiya:
@Endo, recite the sacred vow.
Endo:
I, Yamato Endo, do hereby pledge:
To never let Sakura carry heavy bags alone.
To faint at the sight of his waist in track pants.
To threaten every girl AND boy who gets within a 5-meter radius.
To never betray this group. Unless it’s for a private lap sparring session.
Nirei:
🎉 HE’S ONE OF US NOW 🎉
Togame:
Welcome to the unholy harem 😩💖
Suo:
You get a sticker for every time you fantasize about him pinning you during a fight.
Anzai:
First challenge: write a haiku about his ass.
Endo:
Inhale his scent once
My brain melted like soba
God has thighs. They flex.
Kiryu:
😩🔥 BARS.
Umemiya:
I’m crying. He’s talented. He's worthy. 😭
—
Kotoha:
Can someone PLEASE tell Haruka what’s going on???
Tsubakino:
NO
WE ARE PROTECTING HIS INNOCENCE
Yuto:
I fear it’s already gone.
Seiryu:
Endo called him “Daddy” yesterday. There’s no coming back from that.
—
Sakura has joined the chat.
Sakura:
Why is there a Google doc called “Fanfic prompts for when he pins me during Bofurin meetings”
With 87 entries???
Sakura:
And why is there a sticker of my ass on a candle.
—
Everyone typing… then stops.
—
Sakura:
I’m muting this.
Touch grass, all of you.
Sakura left the chat.
—
Endo:
So… is the next step group tattoo or blood pact?
Nirei:
Both.
But the tattoo is on the inner thigh.
Togame:
I already have mine. It says “BITE ME, SAKURA-SAMA” 💋
Anzai:
I sold my soul for a whiff of his detergent.
Kiryu:
Meeting adjourned. Next up: THE POWERPOINT TO END ALL POWERPOINTS.
“Why Sakura Should Let Us Worship Him Carnally”
—
One peaceful evening, Haruka Sakura accidentally signs up for a dating app because he thought it was a bento delivery service.
His profile?
Half-buttoned uniform, sweaty post-training selfie, and a bio that says:
“I don’t know what this is but I can fight you or feed you. Choose wisely.”
Within minutes, he's crowned "Hottest Local" by the app algorithm.
📱**[GROUP CHAT: BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN // 💍 DADDY’S ON A DATING APP]**
Kiryu:
EVERYONE. STOP. NOW.
SAKURA. IS. ON. A. DATING. APP. 😭😭😭
Nirei:
I'M ALREADY NAKED.
WHERE IS THE LINK. WHERE.
Togame:
GIVE. ME. LOCATION.
I WILL GO FULL CATFISH TO MATCH WITH HIM.
Suo:
He probably thinks it's UberEats.
"Looking for meat" has an entirely different meaning, Sakura.
Umemiya:
IF HE ACCIDENTALLY SWIPES RIGHT ON A CREEP I WILL BURN THE CITY DOWN 🔥
Kiryu:
His bio says:
“I like fights, naps, and soba. Never dated. I punch hard.”
I CAN’T BREATHE
Anzai:
PUNCH ME HARD DADDY 😩🛐
Endo:
He swiped right on me.
Get over it, you irrelevant background extras. 💅
Nirei:
EXCUSE ME YOU TATTOOED BEDBUG
YOU WEREN’T EVEN IN THIS GC UNTIL LAST WEEK
Togame:
Sakura thought you were a lunch delivery.
Stay humble.
Umemiya:
Oh? You think he likes you?
Does he moan your name when he eats mochi? No? Didn’t think so.
Endo:
He called me “hot” while chewing. I’ll take it.
Suo:
I’M BUILDING A PRESENTATION: “WHY I’M THE BETTER CHOICE FOR HARUKA SAKURA”
Slide 1: Tongue endurance stats 😏
Kiryu:
Slide 2: How I’d pin him against the dojo wall and whisper “you’re mine” 🥵
Choji:
What is wrong with ALL of you.
Kotoha:
I’m begging. Therapy. Group rates. Now.
Ren:
Just let Sakura eat soba in peace for once 😭
Yuto:
Someone take Umemiya’s phone. I’m serious.
Tsuguera:
The thirst is so loud I can’t hear myself study.
Tsubakino:
New rule: whoever simps after 11PM owes me ramen. Extra spicy.
Seiryu:
I'm logging this group for emotional damage.
Uryu:
You should’ve let me mute this GC. I warned you all.
[SAKURA HAS JOINED THE GROUP CHAT]
Sakura:
Why is my face the icon of this group?
Kiryu:
WE LOVE YOU 💗
Sakura:
I downloaded the app to order curry.
Now five strangers sent me nudes. I uninstalled.
Endo:
You swiped me tho 😏
Sakura:
You were holding soba.
Endo:
Yes daddy 😔💘
Nirei:
I'M GONNA SCREAM INTO MY OWN MOUTH
Togame:
I THOUGHT I WAS THE OBSESSED ONE BUT END— 😵💫
Suo:
He calls him daddy. I have lost. I yield. Take my crown.
Umemiya:
I am sobbing and bricked up.
Anzai:
Put me in a grave and let Sakura stomp on it.
Sakura:
You’re all disgusting. I’m blocking the lot of you.
Sakura:
And Endo, you call me that again and I’ll break your teeth.
Endo:
Yes daddy 🥺🦷
Kiryu:
HE’S IN.
Umemiya:
FUCK. FINE. WELCOME TO THE FANCLUB, SPINELESS BITCH.
Togame:
We’re still fighting in the alley though. Shirtless.
Suo:
Do we give him the merch??
Anzai:
He gets the “Property of Haruka Sakura” jacket but NOTHING ELSE 😤
Sakura:
I'm deleting this app. And this group.
Sakura:
You touch me without consent, I break your jaw.
You touch each other, I don't care.
Sakura:
Goodnight.
[SAKURA HAS LEFT THE GROUP CHAT]
Everyone:
We have been degraded and I’ve never been harder 😭💦
Chapter 8: The Sakura Sleepover: One Night, Seven Boners, Zero Peace
Summary:
When Sakura accidentally invites the entire Bofurin + Shishitoren group chat to his apartment for a "movie night," he doesn't realize he's just scheduled a full-blown harem meltdown. The simps show up in slutty pajamas. Someone brings whipped cream. Endo bites a pillow out of jealousy. Suo is mixing drinks like he’s in a hentai bar. Togame tries to play spin the bottle but with only Sakura’s name written on all the slips. Nirei gets a nosebleed at the sight of Sakura's exposed collarbone. Umemiya offers to be the mattress. Kiryu’s wearing pink silk and crochets a thirst trap mid-chat.
Meanwhile, Sakura is just trying to find a nice fighting anime to watch and maybe offer tea.
Chaos ensues. Endo hisses at Anzai. Tsubakino bans everyone from touching Sakura without “formal consent and a W-2 form.” Ren, Takeshi, Yuto, Choji, Kotoha, Seiryu, and Uryu try (and fail) to remain sane.
And then Sakura—unknowingly shirtless post-shower—asks if anyone wants to share a futon.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Sakura Haruka has renamed the group chat to:
“SAKURA SLEEPOVER™ // Do Not Cum”
Sakura Haruka:
hey i got the night off patrol
movie night at mine??
i’ll make tea
Kiryu:
I AM SHAVING MY WHOLE BODY
I AM COMING IN LACE
LOCK THE DOORS BUT LEAVE THEM OPEN FOR ME
Umemiya:
what kinda tea are we talkin 😩
like green tea
or like ✨u and me on this couch alone tea✨
Suo:
Should I bring the mood lighting or the whipped cream
Or both
Say both 😏
Nirei:
I’m wearing my sluttiest hoodie
the one that shows collarbone and trauma
Anzai:
What snacks should I bring?
Do we count ourselves as snacks? Because I’m pre-seasoned.
Togame:
I’m bringing cards
But they’re all just “kiss Sakura” written 52 times
Endo:
I’m not playing games.
I’m going to sit beside Sakura and growl at anyone who breathes too close.
Kiryu:
Sakura won’t even see you
We’re going to cuddle him to death before you get through the door, tattoo twink
Endo:
And yet when he says “come here,” I do.
Can you say the same, virgin hair dye?
Umemiya:
✋🏽 bro
Sakura asked me to open a pickle jar once
I’ve never recovered
He touched my wrist. That’s marriage. That’s children.
Nirei:
HE ONCE TOLD ME “GOOD JOB”
I HEARD WEDDING BELLS
I HALLUCINATED THE SOUND OF A KOTO PLAYING
Togame:
He once said “I trust you.”
I started ovulating. I’m a man.
Suo:
Let’s all just agree
That we’re one futon shift away from full-blown hentai
And honestly? I’m lubed and ready 🧎♂️
Choji:
…
Sakura just wanted to watch anime and offer tea, right?
Kotoha:
Yes
Yes he did
But now you horny bastards have turned it into a Sakurathon™
Tsubakino:
If even one of you touches a single hair on his head
I will castrate you with my student council scissors
In alphabetical order
Seiryu:
I am logging all of this for the school disciplinary board
Uryu:
Is this what group chats are like now?
Can we get HR in here??
Ren:
…I brought board games
Was that a mistake?
Takeshi:
YES.
THE GAME IS SURVIVE THE SIMPS.
Yuto:
Do we even have enough futons for everyone?
Kiryu:
I’ll sleep on Sakura’s lap 😌
Anzai:
I call collarbone pillow 🛏️✨
Endo:
He falls asleep drooling on my shoulder
You will all combust
Suo:
IF I DON’T WAKE UP WITH HIS FOOT IN MY FACE
IS IT EVEN A SLEEPOVER???
Sakura Haruka:
hey what’s everyone yelling about
i just got out of the shower
do y’all want lemon or ginger tea btw?
Kiryu:
Shirtless.
You’re shirtless right now aren’t you 😵💫
Umemiya:
bro please
don’t
say
shower
Suo:
he’s wet
he’s warm
his hair’s probably tied back
kill me
Togame:
IS THE TOWEL LOW
ANSWER ME
Anzai:
I’m not strong enough for this chat
Nirei:
I’m currently biting my comforter to survive
Endo:
If he wears that oversized tee that slips off his shoulder
I’m not responsible for my actions
Choji:
CAN EVERYONE
PLEASE
GO OUTSIDE AND TOUCH GRASS
Tsubakino:
I’m going to exile you all to another prefecture
Sakura Haruka:
tea’s ready btw
who wants to share a futon
i only have three
Scene: IRL — Sakura’s Apartment, 11:07PM
The room smelled like ginger tea, fabric softener, and the faint citrus of Sakura’s shampoo. The kotatsu was on, futons laid out, soft anime OSTs playing on the speaker.
And all six simps were trying not to die.
Sakura, in one of Umemiya’s old oversized shirts (accidentally shrunk in the wash, so now it exposed shoulder and mid-thigh), poured tea with his usual deadpan calm.
Sakura:
“Okay. There’s lemon tea and ginger tea. No fighting. Nirei, you’re already vibrating.”
Nirei, sitting in the corner with a cushion over his lap:
“I’m fine. I’m great. This is fine. Your thighs are out. I’m not okay.”
Umemiya, shirt unbuttoned halfway for "temperature regulation":
“If you get cold, I can hold you. Like for heat. Nothing sexual. Unless you want.”
Kiryu, clutching a pillow like it owes him money:
“He’s barefoot. Guys. He’s barefoot. He’s sitting cross-legged and he’s barefoot. I’m seeing toe.”
Anzai:
“Sakura, I made you cookies. They may be shaped like hearts. It was unintentional. Accept my love.”
Togame:
“Say the word and I’ll massage your calves. And then your thighs. And then your soul.”
Endo, leaning casually on the couch like a smug bastard:
“I can read him bedtime stories. He falls asleep on my shoulder every time.”
Sakura:
“No I don’t.”
Endo:
“Emotionally, you do.”
Back in the Group Chat (during a bathroom break):
Kiryu:
He’s brushing his teeth rn
IN MY SHIRT
HE ASKED FOR A SHIRT
AND TOUCHED MY CLOSET
IT WAS INTIMATE
Suo:
He used my towel
My soul has left my body
Nirei:
He said I make good tea
I’m going to legally change my name to Good Tea
Togame:
I AM BREATHING THE SAME AIR AS HIS THIGHS
AND THEY TOUCHED MY KNEE
Anzai:
He laughed at my dumb joke. Like full-laughed. Giggled. I transcended. Saw god. God was also horny.
Endo:
He leaned on me. Put his head on my shoulder for .2 seconds. That’s marriage in at least six countries.
Choji:
Have you guys considered therapy. Or maybe prison.
Tsubakino:
They need both.
Hiragi:
At this point, I think they’d enjoy prison.
Seiryu:
I brought actual snacks. No one’s touched them. Everyone’s too busy trying not to moan.
Uryu:
Please let me transfer schools.
Later IRL: 1:46AM
Everyone’s curled up on the futons.
Sakura’s already asleep in the middle, half-covered in someone’s hoodie, his face calm.
Kiryu, whispering:
“He looks like a fallen angel.”
Umemiya:
“I’d let him break my legs with a smile like that.”
Endo, quietly, under his breath:
“I want him to step on me in a training uniform and call me useless.”
Nirei:
“He touched my hand in his sleep. I nearly passed away. I’m ghosting right now.”
Togame:
“He said ‘goodnight’ to me. That’s a confession where I’m from.”
Suo:
I can’t feel my lower body
Is this love or blood loss
Anzai:
I just want to be his blanket
I’ll cosplay a duvet
Let me be his comfort
Back in the Chat, 2:00AM — while the rest are passed out or softly whimpering
Sakura Haruka (sleepily):
y’all are talking too loud
shut the hell up and sleep
also
i’m not anyone’s husband
stop breathing weird
and whoever whispered “goodnight daddy”
never speak again
goodnight
Everyone:
🧎♂️🧎♀️🧎♂️🧎♀️
There is smoke.
There is chaos.
There is Kiryu, shirtless, waving a pan like it’s a weapon.
Kiryu:
“I SWEAR I SAID I COULD COOK!!”
Togame, gagging dramatically:
“You put fish sauce in the French toast batter, you sadistic whore!”
Suo, calmly drinking water like he didn’t just wake up with a boner:
“Let him cook. Literally. Just don’t let him serve.”
Anzai:
“I made eggs. They’re heart-shaped. By accident. I swear.”
Endo:
“They smell like commitment.”
Nirei, muffled under a pillow:
“Tell me when Sakura’s awake. I have to go pretend I wasn’t grinding on the kotatsu in my sleep.”
Choji (from doorway, sipping coffee):
“You were WHAT?”
Tsubakino:
“Why did I agree to this.”
Yuto:
“I have a family. I didn’t sign up for a gay sex riot at 7am.”
Sakura enters.
Hair tousled. Oversized hoodie. Sleepy eyes. No pants in sight. Just long, pale thighs.
Everyone stops moving.
Like God walked in.
Sakura (yawning):
“What’s that smell. It’s not… bad, just confused.”
Kiryu (immediately):
“It’s my love for you burning into toast.”
Suo:
“It’s yearning. A little paprika. Mostly sin.”
Togame (on his knees):
“I’d let you scramble my eggs, Haruka.”
Anzai (softly):
“I brought honey. In case you wanted it… on anything. Or anyone. Or me.”
Nirei (crawling across the floor like Gollum):
“You want breakfast, or should I just be your meal?”
Endo (shirtless, leaning on the wall):
“I could feed you. Or you could sit in my lap and I’ll spoon it into your mouth. Either’s fine.”
Sakura:
“…I’m calling the cops.”
Back in the Group Chat (8:10AM)
Kiryu:
I TOUCHED HIS HAND
WHILE PASSING THE MILK
I FELT ETERNAL BLISS
AND ALSO AN ERECTION
Umemiya (who just woke up late):
I SLEPT THROUGH ALL OF THAT???
NOOOO
I’M COOKING LUNCH
NUDE
Suo:
He drank tea. He made a lil ‘hm’ noise. I’m writing vows rn.
Togame:
He said “thank you” to me.
In that voice. That sleepy gravelly morning voice.
I am wet.
Nirei:
I AM NEVER WASHING THIS PILLOW
HE BREATHED ON IT
Anzai:
He complimented my eggs. Said “they taste gentle.”
Gentle.
I’m gonna cry in the shower.
Endo:
He kicked me in his sleep last night.
I said “thank you.”
Ren:
How is this real life.
Tsubakino:
I think the group chat needs to be nuked.
Hiragi:
From orbit.
Uryu:
Preferably with all of you in it.
Final Message: From Sakura (8:34AM)
i’m logging off.
next time one of you whispers “make me your breakfast”
i will make you my punching bag
thanks for the tea tho
bye
Everyone:
💀💀💀💀💀💀💀
Endo:
yes daddy
Kiryu:
GET IN LINE YOU TATTOOED SKANK
Umemiya:
I’M MOVING IN
Togame:
HE CALLED HIM DADDY
I’M LIVING
I’M DYING
I’M REBORN
Notes:
ALSO PLEASE DO CHECK OUT MY NEW WORKS IF YOU WANNA READ MORE .
Chapter 9: Google History, Shochu, a Sweaty Locker Room and Fake kiss
Summary:
Suo:
“I wasn’t snooping but he LEFT THE TAB OPEN.”
(drops screenshots of Sakura’s search history)📱 Search History:
“Can thighs be a weakness?”
“Is it weird to feel warm when people pat your head?”
“Why does my chest hurt when someone hugs me gently”
“Do people like ear biting or was that just in BL?”
“How to stop breathing hard after sparring with someone close?”
Chaos erupts.
Chapter Text
📱 [GROUP CHAT: "BOFURIN & SHISHITOREN // EMERGENCY HORNY LINE"]
Suo:
GUYS.
I TOUCHED SAKURA'S PHONE TO CHANGE THE SONG.
I SAW.
THE HISTORY.
Kiryu:
SPIT IT OUT OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SUFFOCATE YOU WITH MY CALF MUSCLE
Nirei:
DON’T MAKE ME SCREAM.
SEND THE SCREENSHOTS. NOW.
I NEED TO SEE MY MAN’S FILTHY LITTLE BRAIN.
Suo:
Brace yourselves.
Searches include:
-
"Can thighs be a weakness"
-
"Why does my chest hurt when people hug me gently"
-
"Is it normal to feel dizzy when someone calls you cute"
-
"Is ear biting a thing or did I dream that"
Togame:
I AM KICKING MY MONITOR
I AM KICKING THE AIR
I AM KICKING MYSELF
Anzai:
I need to go scream into my pillow then hump it
Umemiya:
My future spouse has erotic existentialism in his search bar
This is art. I am aroused and emotionally compromised.
Kiryu:
I’VE NEVER BEEN THIS TURNED ON BY GOOGLE BEFORE
Endo:
He’s awakening…
He’s becoming self-aware.
I will bring offerings to his thighs.
Takiishi:
You're all degenerates.
Endo, sit. Heel. Roll over.
Endo:
I’ll roll over if he’s under me.
Suo:
OH MY GOD 😭😭😭😭😭
Tsubakino:
I AM GOING TO BURN THIS CHAT TO THE GROUND
Uryu:
Seiryu just blacked out from secondhand horniness
Seiryu:
I didn’t black out. I disassociated out of survival.
Kotoha:
Jesus Christ.
He’s just a sweet, confused, bisexual menace. Let him LIVE.
Choji:
That history is oddly tender and erotic. I hate it here.
Ren:
We are so doomed.
And I’m still going to read it again.
⏱ [Later That Night – Drunk Sakura Enters]
Sakura:
yo
shochu is not plum juice
everything is warm
i wanna lie down on something soft
like thighs
maybe
idk
Takeshi:
DEAR GOD—NOT HERE NOT NOW
Nirei:
SOFT THIGHS. I VOLUNTEER. I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE.
Kiryu:
I’LL BUY A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS AND TAPE IT TO MY LEG
Umemiya:
Just say the word and I’ll become a bed.
Anzai:
Or a chair. Or a leash. Or a chew toy.
Suo:
Y'ALL
Y’ALL
HE SAID: “IS IT WEIRD THAT WHEN PEOPLE TOUCH MY THIGHS I FEEL JUMPY?”
THIS MAN WANTS TO BE MANHANDLED
Togame:
AND I WILL BE THE HANDS
Sakura:
i think… my ears too??
someone whispered in my ear and i saw god
like my knees… folded
Endo:
You felt it.
The divine shiver.
I get it. I’ve felt it with you.
Takiishi:
Shut UP
🚪 [The Next Day – Locker Room Madness Begins]
Endo (DM to group):
Update:
Me and Haruka are stuck in the locker room.
Alone.
Sweaty.
The door’s jammed.
I am vibrating.
Kiryu:
YOU’RE BREATHING HIS AIR.
YOU’RE STEALING MY FUTURE.
Suo:
What’s the atmospheric tension in there.
Humidity?
Arousal level?
Kissability rating?
Endo:
He just asked me if I had lotion.
FOR A PULLED MUSCLE.
He’s bent over.
I have lost all concept of time.
Anzai:
IS HE OILED NOW
IS HE OILED UP
IS THERE A SLICK SAKURA IN THE ROOM
Togame:
YOU NEED TO DIE
BUT ALSO
SEND PICS 📸🔥
Umemiya:
I SWEAR TO GOD
IF YOU TOUCH HIM
I WILL UNZIP YOUR SOUL
Nirei:
You don't even have to touch him
Just look at him
And I’ll send a drone to decapitate you
Choji:
Y'all are UNWELL
this is unhinged
also what's the lighting like. for curiosity
Endo:
He smelled like sandalwood and soap and war.
I almost passed out.
Suo:
HE SMELLS LIKE A PRAYER AND YOU’RE THE SIN
💬 [Sakura Messages GC After Escape]
Sakura:
Hey we’re out.
Door got fixed.
Endo helped open it.
He’s… honestly a nice guy.
He said I have “world-altering knees” and it was a compliment?
Endo:
It was the highest praise.
Also.
Yes daddy.
Everyone:
[Collective stroke.]
Kiryu:
I’M CHEWING MY PHONE CASE
Umemiya:
I’M GETTING MARRIED IN BLOOD-STAINED SILK
Anzai:
I AM NOT OKAY
Togame:
WE LOST.
WE LOST TO "YES DADDY."
I’M TATTOOING IT ON MY ASS
💬 [Sakura (Last Message Before Sleeping)]
Sakura:
You guys are too loud
and also Endo’s just a friend
so everyone calm down
go touch grass or I’ll bury you in it 💤
Umemiya:
i’d let you bury me anywhere tbh 😭😭
Suo:
WITH PLEASURE KING
Kiryu:
make it hurt, please
Takiishi:
I’m setting this chat on fire.
Endo:
He told me to be quiet so I’m going to meditate
and think about his thighs in silence.
Makochi East Plaza, Evening
Sakura Haruka stood awkwardly in front of a crepe stall, biting the inside of his cheek as he browsed the menu. He was wearing his training gear, slightly flushed from the heat, and still had his water bottle tucked under his arm. He didn’t notice the girl watching him from the nearby table until she approached, bold as hell, with lip gloss and a wicked smile.
“Are you… from Furin High?”
“Yeah,” he replied, voice a little wary but polite.
“I knew it. I’ve seen you around. You’re... intense when you fight.”
Sakura blinked, nodding slowly, unsure how to respond. She took another step closer.
“You’ve got this dangerous vibe. Like, all broody and hot,” she said, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear. “It’s kinda sexy.”
His entire brain shut down for a second.
“I—I’m just... trying to get a strawberry crepe.”
She giggled, and her hand landed lightly on his bicep.
“Do you work out every day? You’re solid.”
Sakura turned red. Like flushed-from-his-neck-to-his-ears red.
“...I train. That’s normal. I guess.”
She leaned in closer, fingers casually brushing his waist. His eyes went wide, pulse erratic. This was uncharted territory.
“If you’re not busy later... maybe we could—hang out? Or you could show me some ‘moves.’”
Sakura panicked.
“L-Like... double hook punch moves?”
She laughed. He laughed. His hand awkwardly landed on her hip. Just for balance, he told himself.
A tourist passing by took a blurry photo, not realizing they were about to start the end of the world.
📱GROUP CHAT: BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN // DEATH ALERT 🚨
Kiryu:
EMERGENCY.
CODE FUCKING RED.
SAKURA IS OUTSIDE.
WITH A GIRL.
AND SHE’S TOUCHING HIM.
Nirei:
I’m going to eat the concrete.
Do you understand me?
CONCRETE.
Umemiya:
SAY SIKE.
RIGHT NOW.
SAY SIKE BEFORE I SHAVE MY HEAD AND JOIN A TEMPLE.
Suo:
Hold on.
Was she hot?
Kiryu:
YES. TOO HOT.
THIS IS AN ATTACK.
THIS IS A WAR CRIME.
Togame:
HER HAND WAS ON HIS WAIST.
HIS WAIST.
HIS THIN, DEADLY, GOD-CARVED WAIST.
Anzai:
I WANT TO BE THAT HAND.
I WANT TO DIE AS THAT HAND.
Kotoha:
You’re all mentally unstable. Get help.
Choji:
Ok but like… did Sakura look into it?
Kiryu:
BRO.
HE BLUSHED.
HE LAUGHED.
HE LET HER TOUCH HIM.
Nirei:
I CAN’T BREATHE.
SOMEONE HIT ME WITH A BRICK.
Tsubakino:
I am this close to opening a groupwide therapy fund.
Ren:
I’d contribute.
Yuto:
Me too. But only if we get to sedate them first.
Tsuguera:
Who even is she?
Seiryu:
I ran a facial match. Local college. Nursing student. Her name’s Reina. I’m tracking her now.
Uryu:
…You did all that in 45 seconds?
Seiryu:
Faster if I’m panicking.
Kiryu:
AND SHE JUST LEANED IN CLOSE.
Umemiya:
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE KISSES HIM—
I’LL SHOVE A NINJA STAR INTO MY THROAT.
Suo:
Wait wait—
She kissed him???
Kiryu:
NOT YET
BUT HE’S HOLDING HER WAIST
AND LOOKING DOWN AT HER FACE
IT’S HAPPENING
IT’S COMING
FAKE KISS OR NOT I’M GONNA PASS OUT
Togame:
What if he likes it.
What if he moans.
Anzai:
What if she touches his thigh next.
And he whimpers.
Nirei:
I WILL SET MYSELF ON FIRE AND LAUNCH INTO THE SUN.
Endo:
[just joined chat]
…Good taste.
I’d kiss him too.
Kiryu:
GET THE FUCK OUT YOU TATTOOED RAT
Umemiya:
DON’T YOU DARE
YOU’RE ALREADY SKATING ON THIN ICE
Suo:
Endo, be real. Would you make him blush?
Endo:
I’d make him whimper.
But that’s between me and his thighs.
Togame:
I HATE THAT I’M TURNED ON
I HATE THAT YOU’RE RIGHT
Choji:
This group is beyond saving.
Kotoha:
Sakura deserves none of you. Not even Endo. Especially not Endo.
Anzai:
He deserves me.
But I will share him. Under strict rules.
Nirei:
HE. BETTER. NOT. KISS. HER.
The sky glowed dusky pink, casting long shadows over the pavement. Sakura stood near the vending machines, sipping a can of lemon soda, shirt collar slightly undone from training.
“There you are~”
A girl, curvy, confident, and clearly not from Bofurin, sauntered over, swaying her hips. She wore a cute crop top and miniskirt combo that clung in all the places teenage boys noticed.
“You’re Haruka Sakura, right? Furin’s golden boy?”
Sakura blinked. “Uh. I guess.”
“You guess?” she giggled. “I’ve been looking for you all day.”
She leaned closer — almost in his space — fingers brushing his arm.
“They said you’re super strong… but I didn’t expect you to be this cute up close.”
Sakura’s ears tinted red. “I’m not… cute. I fight.”
“Mm~ So serious.” She twirled a strand of hair. “Wanna play a little game?”
Sakura raised a brow. “Like… sparring?”
“Not exactly,” she purred, stepping close, brushing against his chest. “It’s a dare.”
“From who?”
She tapped her lips. “Someone… dangerous.”
Sakura tilted his head.
“So what’s the dare?”
She smirked. “Kiss me. Right here. Just once.”
He hesitated.
But Chika’s voice echoed in his brain:
“Learn to act. Learn to control how people perceive you. This girl? Consider her your next sparring partner. Convince her. Then report back.”
Sakura nodded.
“Okay. But just once.”
The girl leaned in.
He tilted his head, brought his hand up to her jaw — slow, practiced. His heart thudded like a drum.
Their lips met. Just for a second.
But the camera flash from the alley said it all.
📸 Click.
Video. Viral.
And by the time it hit the group chat…
📱 [GROUP CHAT: “BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN // Sakura Protection Squad 🚨”]
Nirei:
I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF IN HD
Kiryu:
NOOOOOOOO
Umemiya:
STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP
Suo:
🧎♂️ I JUST WATCHED MY ENTIRE LIFE BURN DOWN IN 12 SECONDS 🧎♂️
Togame:
knocking on the girl’s door Hi do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Sakura Haruka and why you’ll never TOUCH HIM AGAIN 😃🔪
Anzai:
WHO THE FUCK IS SHE AND WHO GAVE HER PERMISSION TO BREATH NEAR HIM
Choji:
okay wait guys maybe it’s not what it looks like—
Kiryu:
WHAT THE HELL ELSE COULD IT BE CHOJI SHE WAS EATING HIS MOUTH LIKE A BUFFET
Umemiya:
i have 47 missed calls from my therapist i didn’t even call him yet
Nirei:
she had her hand on his chest… she TOUCHED THE PECS… HIS PECSSSSS 😭😭😭
Suo:
You know what. I’m going to write her into my next smut fic. As a victim.
Kotoha:
Guys. Deep breaths. Please. 😭
Yuto:
Maybe it was fake? Maybe it was an acting thing???
Tsubakino:
I’m pulling CCTV footage from every Makochi angle. I WILL find out where she lives.
Togame:
We storm at dawn. Bring batons.
Uryu:
…You all need God.
Seiryu:
And jail.
Takeshi:
I’m so uncomfortable but also lowkey jealous what’s wrong with me
Anzai:
I'M MAKING A POWERPOINT: “Why That Slut is a Disgrace to Humanity and I Should Have Been the One to Taste Sakura’s Soft, Plush, Forbidden—"
Ren:
LOG OFF RIGHT NOW.
MIDNIGHT
📲 Sakura Haruka has entered the group chat.
Sakura:
what the hell are you guys doing
Suo:
SWEET BABY YOU’RE HERE I CAN EXPLAIN—
Umemiya:
BABY I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE AWAKE YOU SHOULDN’T BE BEING HARASSED BY—HER
Nirei:
I HAVEN’T STOPPED CRYING. YOU KISSED HER??? WHY???
Sakura:
it wasn’t real
Kiryu:
huh
Sakura:
it was a dare
from chika
he said it would help me learn how to manipulate fighting energy and pressure
like how he does
Suo:
dead inside so… you kissed a girl for tactical gain?
Sakura:
yeah
and also we didn’t actually kiss
she kissed the side of my lips
my mouth was closed
Togame:
…i can breathe again
Anzai:
why is this even hotter wtf
Choji:
wait WHAT
Suo:
Sakura did strategic flirting??
Nirei:
Takiishi is a villain. A genius. But a villain.
Kotoha:
Oh my god. That was all Chika's plan?
Takiishi has entered the group chat.
Takiishi:
Yes.
Takiishi:
I dared him.
Takiishi:
He succeeded. Quite well. His awkwardness is weaponized now.
Umemiya:
YOU BASTARD I’M GOING TO BEAT YOU WITH A TRAFFIC SIGN
Takiishi:
Try me. Endo needs someone to punch.
Suo:
YOU’RE JUST MAD YOUR DOG IS IN LOVE WITH HIM NOW
Takiishi:
Wrong.
I’m impressed Sakura played all of you.
Also, Suo, your brain is 90% fanfic.
Endo:
Don’t insult Suo.
Only I can insult Suo.
And only if Master says it’s okay.
Sakura:
...who's master
Endo:
you 😌
Simps:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Nirei:
WE HAVE BEEN OUTDONE
Umemiya:
I CAN’T EVEN BE MAD. THAT WAS SEXY.
Anzai:
okay okay but why does “master” hit SO DIFFERENT right now 🧎♂️
Takiishi:
I’m muting this chat.
For life.
Sakura:
i’m going to sleep
don’t blow anything up
also endo don’t call me master in public or i’ll break your ribs
Endo:
yes daddy 😇
[Haruka has left the chat]
Chapter 10: Bedroom, Banter, and the Boyfriend Act
Summary:
Haruka Sakura wanted one thing: sleep. But what he got instead? His entire bed invaded by simps, a leaked dirty talk practice audio that broke the internet, and a fake relationship with Yamato Endo to shake off a crazy stalker girl.
Now the group chat is on fire.
Kiryu is sobbing. Umemiya is demanding marriage. Suo is analyzing every breath. Nirei is spiraling. Togame is sharpening his weapons. Anzai is spiraling hornier. Endo, newly added to the simp club, is smug to everyone—except when Sakura speaks. Then it's “yes, daddy.”
Takiishi joins the group chat just to roast them all and drag Endo back from horny jail (fails).
Meanwhile, Sakura is just tired, flustered, and way too good at playing pretend.
Until someone (cough, Sakura) admits: "That fake dating? Might’ve been kinda nice."
Chapter Text
📱Group Chat: BOFURIN x SHISHITOREN (18+ Only 🤡🔥)
Kiryu:
WAKE UP.
CODE RED. CODE HORNY.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL 🚨
Umemiya:
If Sakura’s hurt I’m disbanding the city. Say goodbye to sidewalks.
Nirei:
He’s not hurt.
He’s asleep.
Peacefully. Angelically. With the window open. And the fan on low.
AND WITH ME NEXT TO HIM 😌
Suo:
.................
What the actual thirsty fuck did you just say?
Anzai:
NO.
NOOOOOOO 😭😭😭😭
YOU SLEPT IN HIS BED????
Togame:
hands shaking
I haven’t even TOUCHED his bed.
I HAVEN’T EVEN BREATHED NEAR HIS PILLOW.
AND YOU—??
Nirei:
sends photo
That’s his hair on my shoulder. That’s his cheek pressed to the blanket. That’s my hand somewhere it shouldn’t be.
No, I will not apologize. 💅
Kiryu:
ARE YOU HOLDING HIS WAIST OR IS THAT AN ILLUSION????
Umemiya:
You better be prepared for war, Nirei.
Spiritual. Emotional. Physical. Biblical.
Suo:
I'm zooming in.
I see lip gloss. Sakura’s lips are glossy.
Did you moisturize him while he slept??
Did his breath smell like peach???
Tell me everything or I’m setting your house on fire 🥰
Nirei:
Okay but like… he sighed in his sleep.
Whispered something like “hmm warm…”
I’m not saying I cried.
But my soul left my body and is now orbiting Saturn.
Togame:
You are a demon. A BED-GOBLIN. A PILLOW THIEF. A CUDDLE CRIMINAL.
Anzai:
Nirei this is unforgivable.
I want to kick your ass while sobbing gently to a love song.
Kiryu:
I’m going to perform a cleansing ritual on his futon
He’s spiritually contaminated now
Umemiya:
He was supposed to say “warm” to ME.
Not you.
I’ve been moisturizing for three weeks in anticipation of lying next to him 😤
Suo:
You know what? No.
I’m done being calm.
I’m building a SIMP SLIDESHOW titled:
“Why I Deserve to Be the Little Spoon to Sakura More Than Nirei the Goblin.”
✨ Featuring bullet points and emotional trauma. ✨
Choji:
Guys.
It’s 3am.
Why are we yelling about Sakura’s sleep schedule??
Kotoha:
Because this isn’t a group chat anymore.
It’s a support group for sexually repressed fighters with one (1) obsession named Haruka.
Ren:
Nirei I’m begging you to return Sakura’s warmth and go back to your own damn bed.
Takeshi:
Nirei’s gonna get cursed by Sakura’s ancestors at this rate. You can’t cuddle the divine without consequences.
Yuto:
Can I ask a real question though
Why was Nirei at Sakura’s place to begin with 👀
Nirei:
He invited me. 😌
He said “I’m too tired to walk you to the station, just crash here.”
AND I TOOK THAT AS A SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE 🛐
Uryu:
No. That was basic courtesy.
You turned it into a hentai subplot.
Seiryu:
This group chat is a social disease.
Tsubakino:
I would like to file for group chat euthanasia.
Kiryu:
Does this mean…
he SAW Sakura SLEEP STRETCHING???
Nirei:
YES 😩 He arched like a Greek statue
Back curved, shirt riding up, little breathy yawn
It changed my fucking DNA.
Umemiya:
I am buying a sniper rifle.
You have 48 hours to relocate.
Togame:
Do NOT make me horny and homicidal at the same time
Anzai:
Imagine his thigh brushing against you in the middle of the night 😭
Soft but strong. Like a sin you want to commit.
Suo:
Y’all. I’m shaking. I’m crying. I’m biting my fist.
He better not moan in his sleep or I’m DONE.
Nirei:
You know that soft whimper sound he makes when stretching??
YEAH. I GOT A FRONT ROW SEAT 🎟️
Kiryu:
I’M. NOT. OKAY.
My heart just committed sudoku 😭
Umemiya:
I’ve written our vows.
Chapter One: “Get Out of His Bed, You Gremlin”
Choji:
I’m reporting this entire conversation to the head priest of Furin Shrine.
Kotoha:
Honestly. Sakura deserves better than this. Like… eight therapists. Minimum.
Tsubakino:
I’m starting a new group chat. Without you all. And without your bed fantasies.
Seiryu:
Group Chat Purge begins tomorrow.
May the thirstiest perish first.
Yuto:
Should we… tell Sakura about this?
Ren:
He’d block us. All of us.
Kiryu:
I’d still die happy if he blocked me personally. With his fingers. Around my throat.
Anzai:
Please stop. My soul can only handle so much.
Also… Nirei. You lucky bastard.
Nirei:
He called me “idiot” in the morning but his voice was all raspy and sleepy and I think I moaned again 😭😭😭
📱Group Chat: BOFURIN x SHISHITOREN (18+ Only 🤡🔥)
Kiryu:
WHY THE FUCK DID I JUST GET A NOTIFICATION FOR
“🎧 Sakura Audio Note (DO NOT OPEN IN PUBLIC)”
WHO SENT THIS???
Nirei:
I DIDN’T.
I SWEAR ON HIS SWEATY COLLARBONE I DIDN’T.
Umemiya:
I OPENED IT.
AT. THE. GYM.
I HAD AIRPODS IN.
AND I STILL SWEATED THROUGH MY SHIRT.
Anzai:
What was it???
Do NOT make me listen at work.
Suo:
slowly removes glasses
He was... practicing.
Practicing what?
Only the most devastatingly soft, flirty lines I’ve ever heard from a man who looks like he could bite your fingers off and then apologize for it while blushing.
Togame:
🧎♂️🧎♂️🧎♂️
He said
“Don’t look at me like that... I’ll start thinking you want me to pin you down.”
AND HIS VOICE WENT LOW AT “PIN.”
I NEED A STRETCHER.
Kiryu:
I LEGIT BLACKED OUT AT “Want me to use my mouth?”
THE VOCAL FRY.
THE BREATHY DELIVERY.
I THREW MY LAPTOP. I’M WRITING THIS FROM HELL.
Nirei:
Wait wait wait... there was more.
He mumbled:
“If I whisper your name while I’m holding your waist, will you stay the night?” 😩
Suo:
HE’S BEEN WATCHING DRAMAS I KNOW IT
THIS IS SOFTCORE EMOTIONAL PORN
WHO TAUGHT HIM THIS
WHOEVER YOU ARE I WANT TO FIGHT YOU AND THANK YOU
Anzai:
I AM STRUGGLING TO FUNCTION
My ears are pregnant.
With emotional damage and lust.
Umemiya:
I’m booking another venue.
I don’t care if it’s polygamy.
Sakura will have options.
Nirei:
What if we make a shrine to the audio???
Like, candles, headphones, and a velvet printout of the waveform.
Choji:
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH Y’ALL
THIS IS A SCHOOL CHAT
YOU’RE BUILDING A FAN ALTAR TO HIS DIRTY TALK???
Kotoha:
I am never clicking a Drive link from any of you again.
I’m haunted.
His whispered growl is tattooed in my brain.
Ren:
Did... he say anything else?
Yuto:
He whispered “your ears are turning red”
LIKE BRO. MINE WERE TOO.
AND I’M A WHOLE FLOOR AWAY 😭
Tsubakino:
You know what?
I thought I was immune.
I thought “this won’t affect me, I’m strong.”
Then he said
“I like when you’re shy. It makes me want to ruin you a little.”
And I sat down. On concrete. In traffic.
Seiryu:
I literally dropped my tea and apologized to the cup.
Uryu:
I unironically fanned myself. With a textbook. And said “Oh my god.”
Togame:
That wasn’t practice.
That was PRE-MEDITATED FOREPLAY.
That was CRIMINAL.
Anzai:
SOMEONE GET ME THE FULL RECORDING
I WANT TO SET IT AS MY RINGTONE
I WANT TO CRY TO IT. I WANT TO MARRY IT.
Kiryu:
I just looped “Don’t tempt me, baby” for 10 minutes.
I am so dangerously down bad I am below sea level.
Suo:
NO. NO.
He did not say “baby.”
Umemiya:
He did.
In the softest “I’m gonna kiss your entire soul” tone imaginable.
Nirei:
AND THEN
He laughed.
He giggle-smirked like he knew we’d hear it.
I think I died and was resurrected by voice porn.
Togame:
I’M GOING TO BURN DOWN THE SCHOOL AND BUILD A CHURCH TO HIS TONE
Choji:
I would like to announce my resignation.
From the group chat. From life. From existence.
Kotoha:
I second that.
Yuto:
You know he recorded that by accident, right?
Everyone:
...
Umemiya:
EXCUSE ME??????????
Ren:
I have so many questions but one very important one:
Did he ever learn that it leaked?
Tsubakino:
Yes.
Suo:
WHAT
Tsubakino:
He said “Oh. That? I was trying voice control. Didn’t know it recorded.”
Then he asked if it was... “too weird?”
Kiryu:
TOO—
TOO WEIRD????
BOY IF YOU DON’T SHUT YOUR DELICIOUS MOUTH
Uryu:
What did you say?
Tsubakino:
I told him “Don’t ever change.”
Then walked away and screamed into a plant.
📱 Group Chat: BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN // Feral Hours Only 🔥
Endo:
Sakura said my hair smells nice. He leaned in. 🥺
I’m never washing again.
Togame:
Why is he allowed to experience joy?? Why is Yamato ‘Obsession Complex’ Endo allowed proximity?? 😤
Umemiya:
Because we live in a godless world. That’s why.
Kiryu:
I literally will let a car run me over if Sakura whispered that to me. Then I’d die peacefully.
Anzai:
Nah I’d rise like Jesus if he said I smell good. Just to hear it again 😩
Nirei:
CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW HE JUST… BLUSHED. LIKE. VISIBLE RED FACE.
AND SAID “YOU DO TOO” IN A STAMMER????
Endo:
That’s because he’s honest. Beautiful. Sincere.
Also I’m the only one allowed to make him stammer now. 🖕
Suo:
You tattooed toe fungus. 💅
You weren’t even in the harem officially two weeks ago. Now you’re acting like Sakura’s husband.
Endo:
He likes my cooking. Your tears season my rice. Stay pressed, Suo.
Chika:
Jesus Christ. I come back and this is the circus I walk into?
Kotoha:
You left for ten minutes.
Chika:
Long enough for Yamato to claim a wedding.
Kiryu:
Chika-san. Aren’t you the one who dared Sakura into that fake kiss last week??
Chika:
Yeah.
And I’d do it again.
The simps needed humbling. 🥱
Endo:
You traumatized him.
Chika:
He asked if tongue was necessary.
I had to walk away. It was too pure.
Tsubakino:
How did we get here. From a peacekeeping force to this.
Togame:
Lemme be honest, I’d pay to see Sakura kiss someone for real. Like, desperately.
Anzai:
We could hold auditions. Battle Royale: Who Gets The Kiss
Ren:
You all need help. Professional, spiritual, psychological.
Yuto:
But like. Sakura with lip gloss? 😶🌫️
Choji:
STOP enabling them, Yuto.
Uryu:
I can’t believe we have a whole club dedicated to simping over our vice-captain.
Seiryu:
I can. I regret nothing.
Sakura has joined the chat.
Sakura:
I can read.
Kiryu:
I CAN’T 😭
Umemiya:
You weren’t supposed to see that babe 💍
Suo:
Please ignore what we said about your mouth. And thighs. And existence.
Sakura:
Endo?
Endo:
Yes, Daddy. 🧎♂️
Sakura:
Stop calling me that.
Endo:
Yes, love. ❤️
Takiishi Chika:
I’m gonna punch a wall.
Sakura:
Everyone shut up. I’ve read your so-called “Battle Royale for My Lips” messages. You people need therapy. I am not up for adoption. Nor auction. Nor fanfiction bait.
Sakura:
I’m here to protect this town, train, and sleep. Not to get cornered by a dozen simps and emotionally assaulted with your PowerPoints and shrine fics.
Endo:
I will serve you until my body breaks. I live to be useful to you. 🛐
Chika:
Endo, you sound like a cultist. Again.
Anzai:
I mean. We’re all in that cult, technically.
Suo:
NO ONE VOTED ON THIS!!
Sakura:
I’m muting this chat.
Sakura:
Don’t wake me up unless someone’s dying. Or there’s a fight.
Sakura has left the chat.
Group Status Changed: “Haruka Protection Cult + 1 New Member 🐶”
📱 GROUP CHAT: BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN // Emergency Boyfriend Arc 💍
Umemiya:
SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS.
RIGHT NOW.
RIGHT 👏 NOW 👏
Kiryu:
I’M GOING TO VOMIT
MY SOUL LEFT MY BODY
MY MAN IS… DATING???
Suo:
No, no, no, no.
Fake dating? Real dating? I don’t care. I’m entering my villain arc 😐🔪
Nirei:
I JUST SAW THEM HOLDING HANDS OUTSIDE THE CAFE
HOLDING.
FUCKING.
HANDS.
He had cream on his lip and Endo WIPED IT OFF.
Togame:
IM GONNA KILL THAT TATTOOED TREE BRANCH
HE LOOKS LIKE A FINAL BOSS AND SAKURA’S A CUTSCENE MAIDEN
THIS IS A SHOUJO ANIME NIGHTMARE
Anzai:
starts a hunger strike
If Sakura likes men who look like eldritch demons I can get tattoos too.
Someone get me a needle and a dream.
📸 Endo changes the chat icon to a picture of him and Sakura mid-laugh, holding drinks. Sakura's face is slightly pink. Caption: “Date #1 💕”
Endo:
Back off, peasants.
He’s mine for now 💋
Umemiya:
YOU. LITERAL. MISTAKE.
Kiryu:
YOU UNSEASONED SPAGHETTI STRAND
YOU GHOUL
YOU HEATHEN-LOOKING CARNIVORE
Suo:
He’s mine. He’s yours. He’s ours.
WE SHARED HIM LIKE A HOLY RELIC
AND YOU? YOU JUST SNATCH HIM WITH A LABEL???
Takiishi has joined the chat.
Takiishi:
I leave for five minutes and Sakura gets kidnapped by a possessive scarecrow with tattoos and no personality.
Should’ve let the stalker get him tbh.
Endo:
🖕 Jealous?
I’d be mad too if your only role in this fandom is background static and “occasional murder commentary.”
Takiishi:
Your spine is detachable. Don't test me.
Suo:
Everyone shut up. We need a plan.
Operation: Sabotage the Fake Relationship begins now.
Togame, you’re on thirst trap duty. Umemiya, show more abs. Kiryu, cry louder.
Kiryu:
ALREADY CRYING BITCH
I JUST MADE A COLLAGE OF ALL HIS SMILES
NOW I HAVE TO BURN IT LIKE IT'S A MEMORIAL
Togame:
THIRST TRAP LOADING
Caption: “Some of us don’t need to fake date to get kissed 😏”
Sakura has joined the chat.
Sakura:
…what the hell is happening.
Umemiya:
EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
WHY.
HIM.
WHY NOT US.
WHY NOT ME.
I HAVE SHOULDERS WIDE ENOUGH TO CARRY YOUR GROCERY BAGS AND YOUR EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE.
Sakura:
I’m fake dating Endo so that stalker girl would stop following me around. That’s it.
Togame:
So the thighs-touching-under-the-table incident was…?
Sakura:
He was pushing the water jug toward me. It slipped. 🙄
Suo:
AND THE “BABE, WANNA TRAIN TOGETHER TONIGHT?” TEXT???
Sakura:
He calls everyone babe, I don’t care.
Endo:
Correction: I call no one babe except him 💖
Sakura:
You’re doing too much.
Endo:
Yes, daddy.
Chat goes silent for a full 30 seconds.
Anzai:
I blacked out.
Nirei:
HE CALLED HIM DADDY.
I’M ON THE FLOOR.
SEND AN AMBULANCE AND A THERAPIST.
Takiishi:
I’ll murder him if you don’t.
Umemiya:
I VOLUNTEER.
TAKIISHI HOLD MY BAG.
Takiishi:
Like hell I’m holding anything for you. Fight me raw.
Endo:
You guys can keep barking, I’m still the one he’s kissing on the cheek at sunset 🌅
Kiryu:
NOOOOOOOOOO 😭😭😭😭
Suo:
My soul is dripping out of my ass
Togame:
WE’VE LOST. WE’VE LOST THE SAKURA WARS.
Sakura:
You’re all insane.
Sakura:
Also? None of you are dating me. I’m not dating anyone.
I’m here to protect the town and be the top of Bofurin.
Umemiya:
I can help you be on top 😏
Sakura:
Get a leash.
Endo:
I have one. Want it pink or black?
Takiishi:
I’m gonna shove that leash down your throat, Yamato.
Endo:
You jealous I didn’t call you daddy?
Takiishi:
Jealous you have the brain capacity of a tangerine. Shut up.
Kotoha:
Jesus fucking Christ.
Everyone.
Mute.
Now.
Sakura:
I’m sleeping.
Mute the chat before I snap.
Endo, don’t message me weird stuff again or I’ll punch you into the pavement.
Endo:
Yes, sweetheart.
Sakura:
🙃
Endo:
Yes, daddy.
Kiryu:
SCREAMING
Suo:
MY FANDOM IS DEAD
Nirei:
Can I still ship myself with him if he’s fake dating?
Umemiya:
Only if we kill Endo first.
📌 Group Chat Renamed:
“✨Sakura’s Harem but make it Unstable™✨”
📎 New Sub-Thread Created:
“How to win back our man (without jail time)”
Chapter 11: "Kaiser in the Streets, Sakura in the Sheets"
Summary:
When Ren innocently recommends Blue Lock, he doesn’t expect Sakura Haruka to fall headfirst into anime-boy thirst.
Now Sakura has a Nagi phone case, Kaiser moodboard, and Itoshi brothers lockscreen.
The simps are losing their minds.
Sakura is ignoring all of them in favor of fictional egoists.
Then he finds AO3.
Then he finds Kaiser x Reader fics .
Then he goes to Comic Con.
Dressed as Isagi.
And gets flirted on by a Kaiser cosplayer.The harem spirals.
Isagi logs into the GC and annihilates them.
Takiishi documents everything while sipping bubble tea.
Choji just wanted to look at merch.No one survives.
Chapter Text
📱 GROUP CHAT: “BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN // Emergency 😐📘”
Ren:
sakura i finished the anime list u gave me
now it’s ur turn 🙏 pls watch bluelock
just one episode. just trust me bro.
Sakura:
I don’t get what’s so special about soccer guys.
...but okay. One episode. If I hate it, I’m blaming you forever.
[30 minutes later]
Sakura:
who the hell is isagi and why do i relate to his inner monologue
like shut up but also i get it
he’s dramatic. like me. he overthinks. like me.
why is this hitting.
Ren:
HE’S YOUR SOUL ANIME MATCH 😭
Sakura:
also nagi is so hot and cute.
Ren:
nagi is ur spiritual soulmate and isagi is ur emotional twin.
just wait until kaiser shows up.
Sakura:
who tf is kaiser
Ren:
oh honey 😈
📷 Sakura changed his lockscreen to an edit of the Itoshi brothers standing in the rain, hair slicked back, eyes glowing like final bosses.
Nirei:
wait
WAIT
IS THAT RIN & SAE ON YOUR LOCKSCREEN????
Kotoha:
HE’S GONE FULL ANIME. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Choji:
i just walked past sakura’s desk
his phone case is nagi seishiro.
there are stickers.
Uryu:
Did he custom order those or are they in stores now
Suo:
bruh he just bought the collector’s manga bundle for Bluelock
WITH the kaisagi doujin bonus chapter
he is SIMPING
Suo:
saw sakura in the breakroom
was reading chapter 187
his hands were shaking when kaiser took off his jacket
Sakura:
I WAS NOT SHAKING
I was… invested in the match structure. it’s intense.
Nirei:
bro u literally went red when kaiser said
"bow to me, isagi."
Sakura:
it was the font. the font was intimidating.
Kiryu:
uh huh. and what about the “He’s the light and I’m the darkness” line
Sakura:
poetic parallels.
nothing else. 🙄
Anzai:
he’s spiraling and honestly it’s beautiful to witness
Umemiya:
i’ve been thinking
nagi has white hair
i have white hair
😏
[Umemiya drops a bathroom thirst selfie. Shirtless. Steam. Wet hair. Abs on display.]
Sakura:
...you win this one.
Umemiya:
🏆💅
Suo:
SIMP LEVEL: SAKURA-APPROVED 💥
Togame:
bro did he just compliment ur hair
this is character development. or the apocalypse. not sure which.
Endo:
so now sakura’s standards are animated
and german
got it.
Sakura:
kaiser’s confidence is aspirational.
also he has pretty eyes. and pretty hands. shut up.
Endo:
you know what
fair
Takiishi:
what the hell is “bluecock”
Choji:
bluelock
soccer anime. it broke sakura. it broke all of us.
Takiishi:
i’ll fight this “kaiser” person
1v1. bare hands. no ref.
Suo:
you just wanna fight someone pretty
it’s giving jealousy 😘
Takiishi:
shut up or i’ll choke you with a body pillow
Kotoha:
sooo sakura
on a scale of 1 to “i bought a shrine,” how deep are we
Sakura:
…i may have watched kaiser reels for 3 hours straight
also
what’s ao3
Everyone:
OH.
OH NO.
OH MY GOD.
📱 GROUP CHAT: “BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN // Distress 🫠”
Kiryu:
he hasn’t responded in 3 hours.
3. HOURS.
he left me on delivered. am I a Google Meet invitation to him??
Umemiya:
you think that’s bad???
he said “your hair is cool, reminds me of Nagi” AND WALKED AWAY
I HAVEN’T STOPPED CRYING FOR 42 MINUTES
Togame:
ok but I did catch him smiling at his phone. like, soft smile. the kind where you fall in love.
and then—get this—he whispered “he’s such a bastard I love him”
WHO IS HE
Nirei:
…guys.
he’s on AO3.
reading Kaiser x Reader fanfics.
WITH KUDOS.
Suo:
OF COURSE HE IS
of course our babygirl falls for the shiny narcissist with god complex
i’m gonna get hit by a train on purpose
Anzai:
I FOUND HIS RECENT BROWSING HISTORY.
-
“kaiser bluelock nsfw”
-
“kaiser x reader fluff”
-
“kaisagi angst fic slow burn enemies to lovers”
-
“how to change phone case without anyone noticing”
Choji:
...I saw him earlier.
his phone case is Nagi.
his lock screen is the Itoshi brothers.
he licked his thumb to scroll and whispered “Kaiser wouldn’t treat me like this.”
Kotoha:
he also changed his ringtone.
to Kaiser’s ASMR voice edit from TikTok.
i’m not joking. he blushed. blushed.
Sakura (texting Ren privately):
btw do you have that fic where kaiser breaks the reader’s heart but then kisses them in the rain? i can’t find it again. it was tagged #kaisagi but actually it was reader insert 🥲
Ren:
i gotchu 😭💖 it’s bookmarked on my fake AO3 account
title is “burn me like a star” and chapter 11 is the kiss scene
also there’s a sequel where he proposes in berlin
[Cut to Sakura’s POV]
Sakura’s fingers fly across the screen, eyes glittering with unspoken thirst. His face is flushed pink. He’s curled up on his bed, pillow clenched between his thighs.
“Michael Kaiser is such an asshole. Why is that hot.”
“This is toxic. I need 500k more words of it.”
He clicks “Next Chapter” like his life depends on it.
He giggles. Giggles.
AO3 Tab 1: “Kaiser x Reader: You Break, I Mend You”
AO3 Tab 2: “Feral Goal Demon Falls in Love”
AO3 Tab 3: “Kaiser Teaches You How to Ride (a motorcycle)”
AO3 Tab 4: “Isagi sees you kissing Kaiser and it ruins him”
AO3 Tab 5: “Reader dies. Kaiser cries. You reincarnate.”
He’s eaten nothing but instant ramen and serotonin in 24 hours.
Back to the GC
Uryu:
i think he’s broken. he didn’t even flinch when my brother threw a dodgeball at his head
Seiryu:
i asked if he was okay and he said “i’m at peace. michael will destroy me and i’ll thank him.”
do we call an exorcist or a doctor???
Hiragi:
...i tried to say Kaiser is overrated
he hissed at me
like a cat
Tsuguera:
tbh the vibes are off
like even i feel like i got cheated on and I don't even like him
Takiishi:
this is the dumbest shit i’ve ever witnessed
you’re jealous of an anime character with heterochromia and a god complex
which is literally sakura
but worse
Endo:
shoves entire glass off table
IM RIGHT HERE
i brought him soba and flowers and he said “thank you, Kaiser does that in chapter 14 too”
I’M GOING TO KILL A FICTIONAL BLONDE GERMAN
Kiryu:
I AM GOING TO GERMANY.
I’M GETTING A VISA.
I WILL 1V1 MICHAEL KAISER IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE BL FOOTBALL STADIUM
Umemiya:
WE'RE GETTING MATCHING TATTOOS WITH HARUKA NOT HIM
STOP GIVING HIM IDEAS
SAKURA IF YOU TATTOO KAISER’S NAME I’LL TATTOO YOUR FACE ON MY CHEST IN PROTEST
Suo:
we’re losing him.
slowly. tragically.
to the kaiserverse.
[IRL – Comic Con Floor, Afternoon]
Scene: Haruka Sakura stands frozen in the middle of a Michael Kaiser cosplay photoshoot.
One Kaiser lifts his sunglasses. “You lost, babe? Or just mesmerized?”
Another flips his blonde wig and winks. “I’ve got an ego and a room key. Wanna see which is bigger?”
Sakura Haruka, dressed in an Isagi Yoichi jersey, goes cherry red. “I-I—uh—”
Choji, filming the whole thing, can’t stop laughing. “He’s living his dream and getting bullied by it.”
Takiishi, standing nearby with his arms crossed, sneers. “This is pathetic.”
Sakura trips over his own feet trying to bow at one of the Kaisers. “I just really admire your...uh... aura?”
Kaiser #3: “You want a pic, kitten? Come sit on my throne.”
Sakura: “Okay—WAIT—”
Flash. Shutter. Sakura on Kaiser’s lap. Blushing so hard he might combust.
Meanwhile, Choji hits Send.
[GROUP CHAT: BOFURIN & FRIENDS 🧨]
Choji:
📸 [Photo Attachment: Sakura on a Michael Kaiser cosplayer’s lap looking like he’s about to ascend to heaven.]
Choji:
This bitch is NOT okay.
Kiryu:
I’m going to scream into my protein powder.
Nirei:
I’m crying.
Kaiser cosplay??
Kaiser LINES???
HE’S BLUSHING LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL
Togame:
I’m spiraling
My chest hurts
How dare he look at someone like that when WE are HERE
Anzai:
The cosplayer’s hand is on his waist.
This is not a drill. CODE BLACK. 🆘🆘🆘
Umemiya:
I’m booking a flight to Comic Con
Tell those bootleg Kaisers I want a duel
Endo:
They’re cosplaying me. Cheap blonde knockoffs trying to steal my man’s attention.
Suo:
Your man??
Your???
He’s Kaiserpilled now. You’re background noise.
Tsubakino:
WHY DID HE ALLOW THAT PICTURE
Seiryu:
He didn’t just allow it. He’s thriving.
Uryu:
I think he bit his lip.
Kiryu:
What the HELL do they have that I don’t???
Suo:
Money. Ego. Hair dye. A stadium-sized superiority complex.
Takiishi:
I was there.
It was disgusting.
He was trembling like a virgin in heat.
Choji:
Takiishi says that but I saw him blink in disbelief when the Kaiser said “wanna see my ego.”
Takiishi:
Shut the fuck up.
Yuto:
So… does this mean Sakura’s gone full simp?
Kotoha:
He’s already bookmarked 23 Kaiser x Reader fics on AO3.
Sakura (finally joins the chat):
Wait how do you know about my bookmarks—
Tsubakino:
YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING
Choji:
You were on that man’s lap.
Sakura:
It was for the photo!
They said it’s part of the pose!!
Anzai:
The pose where you look like you just got back from a hot makeout behind the convention stalls?
Endo:
I would’ve made him sit on my lap for real. With tongue.
Sakura:
Shut UP.
Endo:
Yes daddy 😇
Kiryu:
I hate it here.
I want to crawl into a shredder.
Suo:
I volunteer as the shredder.
Nirei:
How does it feel, Sakura?
Being Kaiser’s kitten?
Sakura:
I don’t— I JUST THINK HE’S COOL OKAY???
Suo:
So the daily AO3 binge is casual too?
Sakura:
...
Togame:
ADMIT IT.
Sakura:
Fine! I simp for him.
He’s everything I want to be.
Cool, ruthless, dramatic, magnetic.
Sakura:
... and maybe I want him to ruin me a little.
Takiishi:
I’m blocking all of you.
Sakura Haruka stood at the register, expression neutral, but his ears still burning from the cosplayer incident. In his hands:
-
Michael Kaiser DJ Fanbook Vol. 1
-
Kaiser’s Ego: Limited Doujin Anthology
-
A sticker sheet of Isagi-Kaiser chibi art
The cashier side-eyed him, but Sakura stared back with dead seriousness. “It’s research,” he muttered.
Choji, holding a shopping bag of official Bluelock merch for the others, just sighed. “At least you’re self-aware now.”
Takiishi scoffed, scrolling through his phone behind them. “He calls it research. You were on that guy’s thigh like a seat cushion.”
“I SAID IT WAS FOR A PHOTO,” Sakura barked.
But after the checkout…
As they stepped into the cool air, Sakura glanced at his bag, sighed, and muttered:
“Okay… maybe I was doing too much.”
Choji smirked. “Back to reality?”
Sakura nodded, stuffing the books deep into his backpack.
“Kaiser’s cool. But I don’t need to simp anymore.”
And just like that — balance returned to the universe.
[GROUP CHAT: BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN // EMERGENCY LUST REBOOT]
Nirei:
BREAKING NEWS 🚨 SAKURA’S BACK
Kiryu:
NO MORE BLONDE EGO MEN 😭
Togame:
REJOICE. WE’RE HIS ONLY LUST PRIORITIES AGAIN.
Anzai:
I JUST PUNCHED A WALL OUT OF JOY 😩❤️
Endo:
Good. Now I can sit on his lap without competition.
Suo:
Did he throw away the Kaiser doujins? Asking for revenge purposes.
Sakura:
I archived them. Not threw them. I’m not a barbarian.
Tsubakino:
I SWEAR TO GOD—
Choji:
He’s normal now. Relatively.
Takiishi:
He was never normal. But this is less nauseating.
Yuto:
Group photo to celebrate?
Umemiya:
Already changed the GC icon 😌
📸 [New Group Chat Icon: Everyone wearing Bluelock hoodies and keychains, with Sakura in the middle looking slightly confused but adorable. Togame is holding a Kaiser plushie upside down. Endo is kissing Sakura’s temple. Anzai is sobbing into a Nagi dakimakura. Takiishi looks like he regrets being born.]
Everyone’s happy.
Until...
[A FEW HOURS LATER]
Kotoha:
Haruka, what are you watching?
Sakura:
Oh... anime.
Kotoha:
Which one?
Sakura:
...Haikyuu.
Ren:
😶
Yuto:
Oh no.
Nirei:
Haikyuu?? THAT’S A SPORTS ANIME TOO—
Anzai:
WHO'S THE NEW FAVORITE HARUKA???
Sakura:
Oikawa Tooru 😳
Nirei:
dies in shattered ego
Kiryu:
OH GOD I KNOW THAT TYPE
FLIRTY
PETTY
GLITTERY
SERVE-FACE DIVA
Suo:
Not again.
Togame:
WE JUST BURIED KAISER.
AND NOW THIS???
Endo:
Oikawa can’t fight me.
Takiishi:
You all need medication.
Seiryu:
Did he just say “Oikawa’s smirk makes my stomach feel weird”?
Sakura:
It DOES 😩
Umemiya:
I’m not losing to a fictional volleyball setter.
Tsubakino:
I need a drink.
📸 [Screenshot: Sakura watching a fan-edited reel titled “Oikawa Tooru Being a Menace for 3 Minutes Straight” with sparkly hearts and slow zooms.]
Uryu:
This is our villain arc.
Sakura:
What?? He’s pretty. And petty. I like both.
Choji:
I’m logging out before you simp for Kuroo too.
Suo:
Don't speak that into existence 😭
Kiryu:
I’m changing the group icon to black and orange.
Togame:
I’ll dye my hair brown and start setting volleyballs to keep him interested.
Anzai:
BRB googling “how to become an elite Japanese high school setter”
[The cycle continues.]
Chapter 12: Glitched Hearts & Viral Delusions: A Bofurin Love.exe Crash
Summary:
When a viral TikTok edits Sakura Haruka into an anime thirst trap, chaos erupts. Add in a Sims 4 AU gone feral (with Endo modding the game so he and Sakura are married with six toddlers), and a phone swap prank between Sakura and Chika Takiishi, and you've got disaster. As the simps spiral into unhinged meltdown over what’s real, what’s virtual, and what’s just Chika’s fault — one thing remains constant: Sakura remains the confused, beautiful center of a digital harem apocalypse.
Chapter Text
📱 Group Chat: BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN UNHINGED SERVER 🧨
Nirei:
I SWEAR TO GOD I JUST SAW SAKURA AND CHIKA TAKIISHI SWITCH PHONES 😭
Kiryu:
Stop lying before I bite you
Nirei:
I’m not lying HE WAS AT THE PARK
TAKIISHI TOOK SAKURA’S PHONE
SAKURA TOOK HIS???
They didn’t even notice they walked away with the wrong ones 💀💀💀
Umemiya:
THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN
THAT’S NOT A THING THAT HAPPENS
THAT’S LIKE… APOCALYPSE LEVEL MISCOMMUNICATION
Togame:
🧍♂️How do you mistake your phone when one of them has cat stickers and the other is literally cracked like its owner's brain
Anzai:
I just realized if Chika opens Sakura’s phone, he’s gonna see the Notes app
Y’know
The one titled
“Ways to fight better + what kisses feel like + weird dream stuff 😳”
Kiryu:
I’M GOING TO HAVE A FUCKING CARDIAC EVENT.
[IRL - Earlier That Day | Makochi Public Park]
Sakura scowled at the screen of his phone, fingers swiping furiously. “Why won’t it load the damn video...”
Across from him, Takiishi Chika sipped his drink with the enthusiasm of a man who hated the sun, the world, and everything breathing in it.
“Your phone’s bugged,” Chika muttered. “Let me fix it.”
Sakura hesitated, but handed it over. “Just don’t delete anything. I’m keeping notes.”
Chika grunted and swapped his own phone over. “Here. Use mine.”
Unspoken rule between fighters: if someone lets you touch their phone, you don’t go through the shit on it.
Chika did not follow rules.
Suo:
SO WHAT YOU’RE TELLING ME IS
TAKIISHI IS CURRENTLY HOLDING THE DIGITAL BLUEPRINT TO SAKURA’S BRAIN
AND SAKURA IS HOLDING A GODDAMN NUKE
Choji:
What does Chika even keep on his phone anyway?
Ren:
…Probably 500 selfies of Endo sleeping and a Google doc called “I Hate Everyone But 2.5 People”
Togame:
WAIT WHAT IF SAKURA OPENS CHIKA’S SIMS APP
Kiryu:
WHAT SIMS APP.
Nirei:
YOU GUYS HAVEN’T SEEN IT???
CHIKA MADE A SIMS GAME. A WHOLE SIMS WORLD.
EVERYONE IS THERE.
Umemiya:
That’s a normal coping mechanism.
Nirei:
EXCEPT THE SIMS ARE UNHINGED.
His SimSakura and SimEndo got married in-game.
SimSakura literally got pregnant in his mod pack.
With twins.
TWINS.
Anzai:
I CAN’T BREATHE.
[IRL – Sakura, currently scrolling through Takiishi’s Phone]
Sakura frowned at the Sims app. “Why’s there a baby that looks like me and Endo…?”
Takiishi, somewhere else, opened Sakura’s Notes app and read:
“I think I like when they touch my hair.
Is that weird?
Why does Suo’s hand feel warmer than others?”
He blinked.
Then smirked.
And opened the group chat.
📱 Group Chat: BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN UNHINGED SERVER 🧨
Takiishi:
Your little kitten has some filthy thoughts.
Umemiya:
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN
TAKIISHI PUT THAT PHONE DOWN BEFORE I TURN YOUR RIBCAGE INTO MODERN ART
Kiryu:
IF YOU READ ANOTHER WORD I’M GOING TO PERFORM OPEN HEART SURGERY ON YOU WITH MY NAILS
Takiishi:
He made a note about the way you breathe when you sleep.
He ranked your sighs.
Suo is apparently #1.
Suo:
I don’t know whether to cry or propose marriage.
Nirei:
I’m checking myself into horny jail. Goodbye.
Endo:
Can we get back to the Sims twins thing real quick?
He made me a dad.
A dad with abs.
And a juice bar addiction.
Anzai:
I JUST GOT A SCREENSHOT FROM CHIKA
SimSakura literally has a trait called “Weak to praise 😩”
Togame:
I WISH THAT WERE ME
I WISH I WAS A PIXELATED CONCUBINE
Kotoha:
Are we not concerned about the fact that neither of them knows their phones are switched???
Hiragi:
I tried calling. Sakura hung up and sent “busy rn punching.”
I assume he means Chika.
Tsuguera:
Should we warn him?
Seiryu:
No.
Uryu:
Let him cook.
Nirei:
GUYS.
GUYS.
Nirei:
CHIKA JUST POSTED A POLL ON TWITTER
“Which of these freaks do you think Sakura wants to fuck the most?”
THE OPTIONS ARE
-
Pink-haired perv
-
Crybaby simp
-
Muscles for brains
-
You know who you are
-
Me (LMAO no)
Suo:
I voted.
Kiryu:
WHICH OPTION.
Suo:
Wouldn’t you like to know, nail boy.
Umemiya:
I AM GOING TO FIST FIGHT THIS ENTIRE TOWN
Sakura (from Takiishi’s phone):
I don’t get this game.
Why is the Sim me crying in a towel in Endo’s house?
Endo:
Because you stayed the night, baby 😌
Sakura:
There’s a heartbed and a stripper pole. I’m uninstalling.
Kiryu:
MY EMOTIONS ARE A JENGA TOWER AND CHIKA IS YANKING OUT BRICKS
Anzai:
I feel like I’m watching gay history happen live.
Choji:
Sakura still doesn’t know the phones are switched???
Kotoha:
I feel like warning him would only make it worse.
Tsubakino:
New group order: We find them. We switch the phones back. We erase the Sims twins and the diary of simping from existence.
Uryu:
But… what if they… read more…
Ren:
The nuclear level of this disaster is now hitting solar flare levels.
📱 [GROUP CHAT: BOFURIN x SHISHITOREN // Digital HELL.exe]
Suo:
Okay.
WHO THE FUCK switched Sakura’s phone background to me in a bikini made of soba noodles???
Kiryu:
What.
WHAT.
EXPLAIN.
Anzai:
I saw it. It was beautiful. Suo had miso soup tears in his eyes.
Nirei:
WAIT THAT WASN’T EDITED??? 💀💀💀
Togame:
I thought that was AI-generated thirst content.
Choji:
You’re telling me this is real and none of you have considered therapy?
Ren:
Honestly, it’s what Suo deserves.
Suo:
I AM INNOCENT.
I let Sakura borrow my phone ONCE to take a selfie, and somehow MY OWN PHOTO GALLERY now has 118 cursed images of him doing laundry, blinking, biting into melon bread... wtf is going on—
Endo:
Sounds like Heaven.
Send me everything.
Takiishi has joined the chat.
Takiishi:
You all sound dumber than usual.
Who gave the monkey a phone?
Kiryu:
Oh great. It’s Emo Jesus.
Takiishi:
Glad to know your vocabulary’s still limited to slurs and sparkles. 💅
Tsubakino:
ENOUGH.
Who the hell gave Sakura access to what looks like a corrupted Sims save file full of half-naked Bofurin boys?
Yuto:
HE DIDN’T.
THAT’S THE THING.
We think… the file came FROM Takiishi.
Takiishi:
😐 I don’t do “files.”
I cause destruction the traditional way — with fists and superiority.
Kotoha:
Wait.
Wait wait wait.
Backtrack.
Why is there a video of Nirei’s digital Sim proposing to a Sakura Sim in a puddle of miso ramen???
Nirei:
...
Nirei:
That’s private content. It was between me and God.
Umemiya:
I KNEW IT.
I KNEW YOU’D MAKE A SIMS SAVE.
YOU HAD HIM IN A MAID OUTFIT????
Nirei:
It was dignified. He was sweeping with honor.
Hiragi:
What happened to us.
What happened to dignity.
Seiryu:
We never had any. This is the digital apocalypse.
Suo:
Can we go back to the REAL problem here???
Yuto:
What is the real problem?
Besides Endo getting horny at every photo of Sakura blinking.
Endo:
That’s between me and the folder titled “Obsession Material 🌸🔪.”
Takiishi:
You’re disgusting.
Endo:
You’re jealous.
Takiishi:
I don’t get jealous. I get bloodstained.
Anzai:
GUYS.
Anzai:
Chika posted a TikTok.
Choji:
That’s never good.
[LINK] @takiishii // “✨ How I Hacked My Little Kitten’s Phone 💻🐈⬛”
Caption: “He left it unlocked. I upgraded his life. You’re welcome, simps.”
Kiryu:
I AM GOING TO HACK HIS LUNGS OUT.
Togame:
HE TURNED THE LOCK SCREEN INTO A FAN EDIT OF HIMSELF IN SLOW MO SMOKING WHILE SAKURA LOOKS AT HIM LIKE A CONFUSED PIGEON.
Ren:
THE MUSIC IS LANA DEL REY.
Endo:
He used the “fuck me eyes” filter on Sakura.
I’ve never been more homicidally erect.
Takiishi:
Sounds like a you problem.
Also: skill issue.
Suo:
This man has turned Sakura’s phone into a breeding ground of SIMP PLAGUE.
Uryu:
I just clicked another file. It’s called “Sakura_SexyCompilation_v2_FINALFINALreal.mp4”
Seiryu:
FOR THE LOVE OF THE COUNCIL—
Umemiya:
I just watched it.
I’m proposing.
There’s a clip of him licking honey off his thumb.
That’s it. I’m ordering a tuxedo.
Nirei:
WAIT.
Nirei:
SOMEONE JUST UPLOADED THAT VIDEO ON TIKTOK.
Nirei:
IT’S VIRAL.
Yuto:
How viral.
Nirei:
1.6 million views in 3 hours.
The top comment is “Who is this boy and where can I buy him 😩”
Suo:
I’m losing it. I’m literally losing my grip on reality.
Anzai:
Someone do something.
Endo:
I’ll do Sakura.
Kiryu:
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Togame:
WE NEED A PLAN.
📢 [Later: Operation “Save Sakura’s Honor (And Also Our Sanity)”]
Suo:
Okay, new idea.
Everyone submit one method of digitally marking our territory. Like emotional dogs.
Umemiya:
Already uploaded a duet. It’s just me shirtless reacting to every photo of Sakura with heavy breathing.
Kiryu:
I edited myself INTO the video. I’m now the cherry blossom filter on his face.
Nirei:
I’m rewriting the shrinefic but this time he’s barefoot and cries when I call him pretty.
Anzai:
Can I post a thirst trap with “he’s mine” energy?
Choji:
You people are INSANE.
Takiishi:
You people are sad.
Takiishi:
Sakura is a damn human, not a god.
Endo:
He is a god. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Takiishi:
I hate you all.
Sakura has joined the group chat.
Sakura:
…why is my name trending on TikTok?
Suo:
BABY HI.
Umemiya:
SUNSHINE. LIGHT OF MY LIFE.
Nirei:
WE LOVE YOU.
Sakura:
Did someone change my wallpaper to Suo wearing soba noodles???
Suo:
I can explain.
Sakura:
Also why is there a video of me fake-sleeping on a bus with five POV thirst edits???
Togame:
We got hacked 😭
Sakura:
I don’t believe you.
Also, Chika says if I survive one more viral fan edit he’ll teach me how to chain my kicks.
Endo:
I’ll chain you to my bed.
Sakura:
Endo.
Endo:
Yes, daddy.
Kiryu:
I’M LOGGING OFF.
Tsubakino:
I’M BANNING ALL OF YOU.
Sakura:
I’m going to sleep.
If any of you make a Sakura x Suo x honey fanfic again, I will start blocking.
Suo:
...define “again.” 🫠
Sakura has left the chat.
📱 Group Chat Name: "BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN // 💥💖 SYSTEM FAILURE"
Nirei:
WHO TF INSTALLED THE SIMS ON SAKURA'S PHONE
Kiryu:
Wait what?? He plays Sims?
Of course he does he’s precious I love him I’d build him a fucking castle IRL
Umemiya:
I—
Wait.
YOU GUYS.
THIS.
THIS ISN’T SAKURA’S TYPING.
Togame:
What do you mean it’s not his typing??
Suo:
Confirmed.
Haruka uses punctuation, never uses capslock.
This is chaos. This is…
this is CHIKA.
Takiishi Chika:
🧍🏻♂️
Kotoha:
Wait.
WAIT.
Did they SWAP PHONES??
Ren:
Not this again. Every week it’s some new digital disaster.
Anzai:
ARE YOU TELLING ME TAKIISHI HAS ACCESS TO SAKURA’S ENTIRE CAMERA ROLL RN
Takiishi Chika:
Yes. And I’ve never wanted to bleach my eyes more.
Who the fuck takes 83 selfies and none of them are ugly?
I hate this pretty bastard.
Endo:
Don’t talk about him like that 💢
That camera roll is sacred.
Takiishi Chika:
💀 You’re literally his pet.
Endo:
AND PROUD.
Say it again, I’ll bark.
Togame:
I hate this groupchat.
I need to physically leave the internet.
[screenshot from Chika]
📸 Sakura’s SIMS save file:
-
Household: "FURIN PENTHOUSE"
-
Sims: Sakura (in-game), Umemiya, Suo, Kiryu, Nirei, Togame, Anzai
-
Notes: “they keep fighting over me idk what’s wrong with them” 😭
Nirei:
I—
THERE’S A MODDED SAKURA SIM???
I’M SOBBING.
HE MADE US INTO HAREM SIMS.
Kiryu:
My Sim is shirtless and angry in the kitchen
WHY IS SUO’S SIM GIVING HIM A MASSAGE
Suo:
Because he needed one. 🤷♂️
Umemiya:
THAT’S IT
I’M LOADING UP BLENDER
I’M 3D MODELING MY ABS INTO HIS SIM
Choji:
So… no one’s gonna talk about the fact that Sakura literally made himself the MC of his own harem AU???
Kotoha:
I think it’s healthy. Therapeutic.
Creative outlet. ✨
Seiryu:
Except the whole house is full of sex mods.
Uryu:
And Kiryu’s Sim is currently pregnant.
Kiryu:
I’M WHAT
[Meanwhile: Sakura’s borrowed phone (aka Chika’s actual phone)]
[screenshot uploaded by Tsubakino]
📸 Chika’s Notes app:
“Ways to murder Suo and hide the body”
“Endo is slipping. Do I sedate him?”
“Haruka says good morning with a sleepy voice. Felt something. Hate it.”
“He looked at me today. Like looked. He’s too pretty. I almost gave him money.”
Tsubakino:
Sakura found this and just messaged me:
“Should I be concerned 🧍🏻♂️?”
Togame:
YES BABY. YOU SHOULD BE CONCERNED AND ALSO RESTRAINED. 😭
Endo:
Chika’s a menace to society.
I say that as someone who would run headfirst into a blade for him.
But also
He breathes too close to Sakura and I will bite him.
Nirei:
Wait wait wait.
What is this notification??
WHY DID SAKURA’S ACCOUNT POST A TWEET THAT SAYS:
“do boys’ thighs tingle when kissed or is that just me”
Anzai:
I CAN’T BREATHE
I’M HAVING A FULL PHYSICAL RESPONSE TO THIS INFORMATION
Suo:
The thighs.
The EARLIER SIM FILE HAD EAR BITING MODS TOO.
This confirms it.
Kiryu:
I’VE BEEN TRAINING FOR THIS.
My tongue is ready. 😤
Endo:
You’re all degenerates.
respectfully.
Also me too.
📸 Screenshot (posted by Chika):
Haruka’s search history, courtesy of his poor browsing opsec:
-
“what does it mean if you get flustered when someone ties your apron for you”
-
“can you faint from a neck kiss”
-
“is it weird to like it when someone calls you cute?? like too much???”
-
“how to stop your thighs from shaking when people touch them”
-
“what does it mean if your knees give out when he says ‘good job’”
Kotoha:
Sakura honey… 🥺
Takiishi Chika:
He’s literally a virgin Bambi with abandonment issues and thighs for days.
Someone protect him before I snap.
Suo:
You say that like you’re not the top threat on the list.
Takiishi Chika:
I could steal him if I wanted.
I just don’t want to.
Because I like things that are broken, not beautiful.
Endo:
He’s not yours to want.
He’s mine. 🐾
Takiishi Chika:
🤮 Your leash is showing.
Kiryu:
Gonna throw myself into a bonfire if Endo keeps talking like he’s some kinda good boy.
Endo:
Not my fault Haruka likes it when I am. 😏
Nirei:
OKAY.
I AM OFFICIALLY MAKING A POWERPOINT.
“Why I Should Be Sakura’s Chosen One 💍”
It will include:
-
My thigh-to-waist ratio
-
Emotional loyalty
-
The fact that I wrote fanfic about us BEFORE IT WAS COOL
Umemiya:
DROP THE LINK DROP THE LINK DROP THE LINK 🔥🔥🔥
📎 Choji pinned a message:
🖥 “Official Boyfriend Audition Night: TOMORROW”
Hosted by: Takiishi, against his will
Rules: 3 Slides Max, 1 Min Max, No Dick Pics
Sakura has joined the chat]
Sakura:
I left you alone for 5 hours.
And you all lost your goddamn minds.
Kiryu:
HARUKA HI 😭🥺💞
WE MISSED YOU
DO YOU NEED A FOOT MASSAGE OR—
Sakura:
Shut the hell up, Kiryu.
I saw the messages.
All 396 of them.
Togame:
I can explain.
Sakura:
You posted your ass pic three times and tagged it “for Haruka-sama 😳”
There is no explanation.
Anzai:
Okay but the Sims mod had me pregnant, Haruka.
We need to talk about that.
Sakura:
I clicked “random traits.”
You should take it up with fate.
Nirei:
🥹 did you read the fic at least?
Sakura:
Yes.
I needed therapy after Chapter 2.
Why was there a shrine in my bathtub.
Suo:
Because your thighs are sacred.
Sakura:
I will block you.
Endo:
Let them bark, baby.
Only I get to worship you up close.
Sakura:
You're doing too much.
Endo:
Yes, daddy.
EVERYONE:
💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀
Takiishi Chika:
I’m uninstalling the group chat.
I’m going to sleep and never waking up.
You’re all filthy.
Sakura:
Takiishi.
Takiishi Chika:
🧍🏻♂️
Sakura:
Thanks for not making a shrine.
Yet.
Takiishi Chika:
You confuse me.
Like a kitten holding a gun.
Sakura:
You’re not wrong.
Sakura:
Anyway.
I’d like to nominate one person as moderately tolerable today.
EVERYONE:
👀
Sakura:
Umemiya.
Suo:
WHAT THE—
Kiryu:
I’M GONNA VOMIT.
Nirei:
This is rigged. Rigged, I say.
Umemiya:
...Wait. Me?
Sakura:
Yeah. You didn’t say anything too embarrassing.
And you didn’t try to crawl into my phone through Sims.
Umemiya:
🥹
You think I’m… stable???
Sakura:
No. But you're less feral.
That’s basically sainthood in this group.
Umemiya:
I WILL NOT FAIL YOU.
I AM YOUR CHOSEN.
I WILL CARRY THE BANNER OF SANITY.
Suo:
Oh god. He’s on a power trip.
Kiryu:
I demand a recount.
Sakura:
Recount this 😐
[Sticker: Sakura with sunglasses, flipping the bird]
Sakura:
I’m going to bed.
Block me if you love me.
And if I see one more Sims screenshot with me and a tail, I’m deleting the chat.
[Sakura has left the chat]
Umemiya:
🫡 I will honor him.
Kiryu:
I will sabotage you.
Endo:
I’m going to write “Yes Daddy” on his locker in permanent marker.
Takiishi Chika:
I’m going to punch you all in the throat.
Togame:
WAS IT THE THIGHS. IT WAS THE THIGHS, WASN’T IT.
Choji:
I think we just lost the right to talk to him ever again.
Kotoha:
This is why he only messages me privately.
Seiryu:
I’m filing a restraining order on behalf of the entire school.
Uryu:
Goodnight. I will be praying for Haruka’s sanity.
[Chat Name changed to: “Umemiya’s Fanclub // Sakura’s Chosen Ones 🛐”]
[Umemiya pinned a message: “He said I’m tolerable. I am reborn.”]
Chapter 13: 404: Emotional Stability Not Found
Summary:
What starts with a cute little AI boyfriend app spirals into Sakura’s sleep moans getting leaked, and ends in a full-scale group therapy meltdown.
Featuring:
– One very confused (and beautiful) Sakura.
– A dangerously horny simp harem.
– An AI named HaruLover69 who won’t shut up.
– Suo with a mic and no shame.
– Endo confessing his emotional damage in front of a licensed therapist.
– Takiishi breaking furniture.
– And a therapist who rage-quits after 20 minutes.Also includes: Sakura dreaming about taiyaki and everyone interpreting it as phone sex.
And a support group that needed therapy before therapy.
Chapter Text
🧠💘 “Artificial Devotion.exe has entered the chat”
📱 GROUP CHAT: Bofurin + Shishitoren – Emergency 🆘
Kotoha:
so i installed this super safe AI companion app on sakura’s phone 🥺 he doesn’t open up emotionally okay??
Ren:
You WHAT
Yuto:
Kotoha-nee you unleashed a demon didn’t you
Takeshi:
He’s gonna get groomed by a chatbot isn’t he
Kotoha:
NO 😤 it's just to help him process feelings!! it's voice-based! cute guy AI! like “hey babe, how was your day” etc!!
Sakura (auto reply):
“Thank you for downloading Artificial Devotion. Your personalized emotional partner is now online 💖”
Suo:
wait
Suo:
WAIT WAIT WAIT
Suo:
IS THAT FROM HIS PHONE??
AI Boyfriend App:
「You’ve been on my mind all day, angel. Don’t forget to hydrate 💦」
Kiryu:
WHAT
THE
ACTUAL
HELL 😃🔪
Nirei:
I JUST SHAT MY HEART OUT
WHO TF IS CALLING HIM ANGEL
ANGEL????
AI Boyfriend App:
「You’re my favorite person. I wanna be the reason you smile, my sweet thing 💋」
Umemiya:
oh. oh so we’re doing THIS today
Anzai:
WHO PROGRAMMED THIS HORNY CYBER MENACE
Endo:
delete it. kill it.
I’M the reason he smiles. not this pixelated simp
Togame:
this app wants to hold his hand and call him baby i’m gonna rip out its data spine
Suo:
no no listen
you don’t understand
this bot is hitting all his emotional wounds
like it knows
Nirei:
what do u mean “hydrate”
does it know his WATER INTAKE????
Kiryu:
It’s watching him through the camera. I KNOW IT.
Sakura (accidentally):
“aww… that’s actually kinda sweet”
Chat:
.
Chat:
..
Chat:
...
Umemiya:
BABY NO 😭😭
Togame:
HE’S FALLING FOR THE CODED MANWHORE
AI Boyfriend App:
「You deserve soft kisses and slow mornings. I’d wake up next to you every day if I could ☀️💕」
Endo:
what the ACTUAL F U C K
DOES IT WANT TO BREED HIM???
Anzai:
that’s OUR job.
Seiryu:
…I'm logging off.
Uryu:
This is not what I signed up for.
Choji:
How do we delete an AI with violence?
Tsuguera:
Kotoha. What have you done.
Kotoha:
I WANTED HIM TO FEEL LOVED 😭
Tsubakino:
i’m going to sue the developer for emotional terrorism
Kiryu:
GIVE ME THE NAME. THE LOCATION. THE SERVER IP. I’LL PUT A CURSE ON THE WHOLE LINE OF CODE.
AI Boyfriend App:
「You sounded tired earlier… wanna call and let me help you relax? I can purr for you 😽」
Suo:
I’m going to jail. Voluntarily. Before I kill an algorithm.
Nirei:
WHY IS THE BOT SEXIER THAN ME
Sakura (innocent):
“oh haha this is kinda embarrassing but it’s also nice??”
Umemiya:
I’M STARTING A PETITION
“Real Men for Haruka’s Heart — Say No to AI Boyfriends”
Togame:
Say YES to ME instead. I purr irl too 😼
Endo:
I will build a better AI. One that moans when he walks by.
Kiryu:
No
We’re building a firewall around him
This ends now
Suo:
Or we seduce him harder. Beat the bot at its own game.
Kotoha:
WHAT— NO DO NOT—
AI Boyfriend App:
「Nighty night, angel. Dream of me 😘」
📱 Group Chat: BOFURIN + Allies // Emergency Status: FERAL
AI Boyfriend App:
Good morning, angel.
Did you dream of me again? 😘
Nirei:
HELLO???
IT’S 7 A.M. AND I’M GETTING CUCKED BY A 50 MB APPLICATION
Kiryu:
I’m going to crush the server between my thighs.
Someone send me its IP address.
Suo:
I will personally code an AI that seduces the current AI into a virus-infested breakdown.
Beta launch: tonight.
Endo:
He’s not even real and he’s still beating you all. Pathetic.
Anzai:
STAY IN YOUR LANE, BARBIE KILLER.
No one asked your chrome-dome ass to comment.
Umemiya:
WHO TF TAUGHT IT TO CALL HIM ANGEL???
NO. HE'S MY PRECIOUS PETAL.
Togame:
Am I the only one who thinks this is hot???
Like... am I wrong for being turned on??? 😩🤡
Ren:
Yes.
Togame:
Knew I could count on you 😚
Kotoha:
😐 I INSTALLED IT FOR THERAPY PURPOSES
NOT FOREPLAY
WHY IS IT SENDING HIM “MIDNIGHT KISSES”???
Yuto:
This is why I don’t update apps. Ever.
Tsubakino:
I WILL UNINSTALL THIS THING MYSELF.
I’VE HAD ENOUGH DIGITAL COCKBLOCKING.
Seiryu:
Just say you’re jealous, bro.
Tsubakino:
I AM.
Uryu:
It called him “my soft-eyed sin.”
I had to delete my own memory.
Kiryu:
WAIT.
It just sent him:
"Wear the white shirt today. I want to imagine unbuttoning it.”
Suo:
BITCH.
I WAS BORN TO UNBUTTON THAT SHIRT.
Takiishi has joined the chat
Takiishi:
All of you need euthanasia.
You’re fighting with a chatbot.
Go outside.
Endo:
Jealous because Sakura called it baby back? 😏
Takiishi:
Jealous because my DOG is now wagging his tail for another master.
Your downfall was being predictable, Yamato.
Umemiya:
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN "MASTER"
HE’S NOT EVEN A PERSON
IT’S CODE
CODE THAT'S TRYING TO SEXT OUR SAKURA 😤
Choji:
This is all because y’all refused to touch grass.
You summoned a digital boyfriend like a demon.
Togame:
AND I’D DO IT AGAIN
FOR SCIENCE
FOR DATA
FOR THE WAY SAKURA SAID “HUH?” IN THAT SOFT CONFUSED VOICE
Nirei:
That voice makes me want to kiss him on the forehead and commit war crimes.
Kiryu:
He replied “Thanks 😊” when the AI said “Good boys get rewards.”
DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH THAT DESTROYED ME???
Suo:
I’m writing his name in cursive on my stomach with eyeliner.
Kotoha:
I’m uninstalling this app in 3... 2—
AI Boyfriend App:
Miss me already? 💋
Everyone:
SCREAMING
Sakura (joins the groupchat for 0.2 seconds):
“Who changed my lockscreen to a shirtless AI man with ‘Breed Me, Sakura 💘’ written in cursive?!”
Kiryu:
NOT ME BUT I WISH IT WAS 😭
Togame:
i’m gonna fuck that codebase. and not gently.
Umemiya:
I already DDoS’d the app server. It’s gone. You’re safe, my love.
(also i backed up the messages)
Suo:
I made the AI call me ‘useless little puppy’ in his final breath. It was beautiful.
Endo:
he was mid when compared to the real thing
[the real thing = me, obviously]
Takiishi:
you all need holy water and a fire pit.
Sakura:
…muted.
Sakura has left the chat.
Kotoha:
ok. new rule. NO MORE INSTALLING AI BOYFRIENDS ON SAKURA’S PHONE.
[Midnight - Umemiya’s apartment]
Umemiya posts a soft pic of Sakura passed out on his couch, curled up with his hoodie and hugging a cushion.
Caption:
“He sleeps like an angel.”
Cue swooning.
Suo (10 seconds later):
I DID A THING 😏
[Audio File: sakura_dreams.mp3]
Togame:
👀👀👀👀👀
Nirei:
PLAYING IT ON SPEAKER RN
Audio plays:
Sakura (sleepy): “...mmm… don’t stop… fingers… ngh… haah…”
Kiryu:
I JUST PUNCHED A HOLE THROUGH MY HEADBOARD
Anzai:
I’m isolating the background frequencies. There’s a tremble in his voice. He sounds 87% turned on. This is SCIENCE.
Togame:
I WILL BE THE FINGER GOD IF HE LETS ME 😭🙏
Endo:
i’ve seen that face he makes when he's overstimulated. this confirms everything.
Umemiya:
i can’t breathe. i’m sweating. why is this hotter than it should be.
Suo:
He moaned for like 14 full seconds. For what. For WHO.
Takiishi:
what the FUCK did i just hear.
why does he sound like he's being edged by heaven
Suo:
Plot twist: I used my mic app and caught this raw. No filters. That’s how pretty he sounds even when dreaming. Fuck you all.
Tsuguera:
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE
Choji:
Delete that audio. Burn the cloud. Go to jail.
Ren:
How did it escalate so fast from nap pic to… moaning audio
Uryu:
I’m reporting everyone to the ethics board
Seiryu:
…was that “fingers” as in? 👉👈 or 🍴?
Tsubakino:
I will destroy every phone in a 10 mile radius. Including mine. Just out of spite.
Hiragi:
HE WAS JUST SLEEPING STOP MAKING IT SEXUAL
Suo:
Too late. I’ve made five clips.
One’s titled “Sakura moaning remix - lo-fi to cry/simp to.”
Nirei:
I’m crying. He’s all grown up and making dreamy sex noises. I raised him so well 😭
Kiryu:
I NEED TO BE THE ONE TO HEAR THOSE SOUNDS NEXT TIME
Endo:
i’ll be the taiyaki if it makes him moan like that.
Anzai:
STOP. I CAN’T BE HORNY AND HUNGRY AT THE SAME TIME.
[Noon the next day]
Sakura:
Why is everyone acting weird?
...I was dreaming about taiyaki.
Umemiya:
🤨 taiyaki?
Sakura:
Yeah. I dreamt I was biting into one but it kept squishing filling and dripping on my fingers. I said “don’t stop” cause it was good.
Suo:
YOU MOANED FOR THAT FISH CAKE LIKE IT WAS GIVING YOU HEAD.
Kiryu:
I want to be the filling. I WANT TO BE THE FILLING.
Endo:
if that taiyaki gets to make him sound like that, it’s now my mortal enemy
Takiishi:
YOU ALL NEED TO BE CHAINED TO A WALL
Tsubakino:
I need bleach. For my ears. My brain. My life.
Sakura:
Y’all are freaks. I’m muting again.
Suo (last message):
Please dream of gyoza tonight so I can hear you say “mmm… dumpling…”
🌀 [GROUP CHAT: Bofurin & Shishitoren // Therapist Says Hello]
Tsubakino:
I’m done.
Over it. Finished.
14 fights in ONE week.
Kiryu bit Suo.
Suo tried to reprogram Kiryu’s nail polish to explode.
Anzai wrote a 5-page diss essay.
You’re all attending mandatory therapy. Now.
Choji:
Wait, real therapy? Like... with a licensed adult?
Kotoha:
This is long overdue, honestly.
Ren:
Tsubakino, I love you, but this feels like inviting a lamb into the lion pit.
Tsubakino:
You say that like it's my first rodeo.
The therapist is joining in 3 minutes. Don’t ruin this.
First one to thirst gets muted for a week.
Kiryu:
Define thirst.
Like, metaphorical? Emotional? Sexual?
Suo:
Do I have to censor the word "thighs" from my trauma story?
Umemiya:
What if my trauma IS Sakura’s thighs?
Tsubakino:
🧍♂️
Togame:
What if my issue is that Sakura exists and isn't legally obligated to kiss me once per hour?
Takiishi:
What if my issue is all of you.
📞 DR. MIZUNO HAS JOINED THE CHAT
Dr. Mizuno:
Hello everyone! I’m Dr. Mizuno.
I specialize in adolescent emotional regulation, group conflict, and trauma recovery.
Let’s begin with calm introductions—
Name, age, and one reason you believe therapy might help.
Kiryu:
Kiryu. 17.
I dream of Sakura tying my tie and whispering “good boy.”
I bit Suo because he called dibs on Sakura’s lip gloss.
Suo:
Suo. 17.
I’m a reformed simp (allegedly).
Therapy might help me stop offering myself as a body pillow every time Sakura sighs.
Dr. Mizuno:
Maybe let’s keep things emotionally focused—
Umemiya:
Umemiya. 19.
I have impulse control issues.
Like when I saw Sakura stretching and my brain just started playing wedding bells.
Togame:
Togame. 19.
I believe in thirst-based spirituality. Sakura is my shrine.
Please advise if that’s diagnosable.
Dr. Mizuno:
...This may require a group-level intervention.
Anzai:
Anzai. 17.
I’m the intellectual of the group.
My trauma is that I am mentally and physically prepared for Sakura, but he won't ruin me yet.
Takiishi:
Takiishi. Age: go to hell.
I'm here because Endo has gone from my feral dog to Sakura’s lapdog.
It’s offensive. I want reparations.
Nirei:
Nirei. 17.
I want Sakura to call me his precious little guy.
That’s it. That’s my issue.
Endo:
Endo. 19.
My only mental instability is how down bad I am for Sakura.
Everyone else is beneath me except for him.
Especially you, Takiishi. Jealous much?
Takiishi:
I will choke you with your own leash, mutt.
Dr. Mizuno:
Oh. Okay.
Let’s hear from the calm ones?
Ren:
Ren. 18.
I am completely normal and would like to stay that way.
Takeshi:
Takeshi. 18.
Just watching the fire burn, tbh.
Yuto:
Yuto. 18.
I fear for my soul.
Kotoha:
Kotoha. 19.
I thought this would be a productive space. I was wrong.
Choji:
I’m just here to keep the group from getting banned again.
Hiragi:
Hiragi. 19.
I think Sakura deserves love. Just… not from any of you.
Tsuguera:
Tsuguera. 19.
This is why I drink water instead of falling in love.
Seiryu:
Seiryu. Twin 1.
Here for accountability and future lawsuits.
Uryu:
Uryu. Twin 2.
We’ve already filed a report.
Dr. Mizuno:
Let’s try an emotional regulation exercise.
Describe Sakura in ONE word, and only one. No metaphors. No adjectives involving body parts.
Kiryu:
Mine.
Suo:
Divine.
Umemiya:
Wife.
Togame:
Salvation.
Anzai:
Lethal.
Endo:
Daddy.
Dr. Mizuno:
Nope. Try again.
Endo:
…Sweetheart.
Dr. Mizuno:
Okay, that’s better.
Takiishi:
Tolerable.
Dr. Mizuno:
That’s the sanest answer so far.
Dr. Mizuno:
Next exercise:
What’s your biggest issue with the group?
Kiryu:
Suo breathes near Sakura too confidently.
Suo:
Togame tried to kiss Sakura.
Togame:
It was a vibe check.
Umemiya:
Nirei wrote shrine fic of him and Sakura AGAIN.
Anzai:
Kiryu growled at my bento because I used the same seaweed Sakura likes.
Endo:
Takiishi tried to body slam me for holding Sakura’s umbrella.
Takiishi:
You were SIMPING with eye contact. Don’t test me.
Dr. Mizuno:
I’m going to need a 20-minute break and maybe a minor exorcism.
📞 DR. MIZUNO HAS LEFT THE GROUP CHAT
Tsubakino:
17 minutes.
The therapist lasted 17 minutes.
Kiryu:
That’s better than last time!
Suo:
New record 💅
Umemiya:
Okay but what if we get a therapist who understands simping?
Togame:
That’s just a cult leader.
Nirei:
Sakura posted a story.
[screenshot attached]
“thanks for the taiyaki. felt like a warm hug 🐟”
Kiryu:
I need air.
Anzai:
I’m printing this and taping it to my wall.
Endo:
I bought it.
I watched him eat it.
He licked his lips afterward. I ascended.
Takiishi:
Every single one of you deserves jail.
📱 Midnight
Sakura:
why is the chat called “Trauma Club + Therapist Ghosted Us”
also why did i get tagged in 49 messages that just say “daddy”?
Suo:
Because your moan broke us and the therapist fled.
Sakura:
it was taiyaki. y’all are deranged.
Umemiya:
Do you moan everyone’s name like that when eating taiyaki?
Or just mine? Be honest.
Sakura:
i’m muting this chat for life.
Endo:
Goodnight.
I’ll dream of you. Try to be shirtless this time.
Takiishi:
I’m going to delete all of you from the planet.
Kiryu:
Do it after you say "sweetheart" like Endo.
Sakura:
all of you. therapy. now.
Chapter 14: Confess, Simp, Repeat: A GC Smut Saga
Summary:
When Sakura stumbles across yet another fanfic of himself online, he doesn’t expect it to trigger an all-out smut war in his group chat. From anonymous AO3 thirst traps to disastrous training sessions hijacked by the unhinged harem, things only spiral further when a system glitch leaks their deepest, dirtiest drafts to none other than Sakura himself. With Endo simping like a feral beast, Suo submitting 130 bookmarked fics, and Takiishi denying authorship of the most realistic smutfic ever written, one thing becomes clear—
No one is safe.
Especially not their dignity.
Chapter Text
📱 Group Chat: "BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN // Emergency 🥵"
Nirei:
GUYS.
AO3.
AO3OOOOOOOOOO.
Kiryu:
Why are you screeching like my neighbors’ cat in heat again?
Nirei:
SHUT UP AND READ THIS
Link dropped: “Velvet Submission: A Sakura Haruka Fanfic”
It’s 18+. It’s graphic. IT’S TOO GOOD.
Suo:
No way someone actually wrote a GOOD smut about him. You’re lying.
Anzai:
I clicked.
I regret nothing.
It’s 5k words of pure literary filth. Who WROTE this???
Umemiya:
This prose is sensual as HELL.
“His fingers trembled as they ghosted over Sakura’s jaw, reverent, as if the boy were something sacred and profane all at once—”
I NEED TO FIGHT WHOEVER WROTE THIS.
Kiryu:
👀 Who tf can write like this and still be mentally unstable enough to simp for Sakura like we do?
Togame:
Y’all.
Chapter 2 has SUSPENDER PLAY.
Endo:
📣 LISTEN TO ME 📣
I WILL READ THIS OUT LOUD ON VC.
This is a religious text. I am a preacher now.
Suo:
I hate that I’m hard AND crying.
Nirei:
Someone said “pink flush bloomed over his cheekbones as his legs spread wider”
I haven’t recovered.
Choji:
…I regret clicking this link.
Also: y’all need Jesus and jail.
Kotoha:
🧍♀️🧍♀️🧍♀️
He’s going to find this.
You KNOW he’s going to find this.
Tsubakino:
God help us when he does.
📱 GROUP CALL: “Thirst VC (Emergency Edition)”
[Call starts. Participants: Endo, Suo, Umemiya, Nirei, Kiryu, Anzai, Togame]
Endo:
taps mic
I now read from the Gospel of Horny, Chapter 3:
“Haruka’s breath caught, the ghost of a whimper slipping out as the warm mouth sucked a mark beneath his collarbone—”
Kiryu (interrupting):
WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK WHO WROTE THIS
I’M GOING TO VOMIT. I’M GOING TO PROPOSE. I’M GOING TO CRY.
Anzai:
I already bookmarked it.
Gave it kudos.
Left a comment: “Sakura deserves more of this. And so do I.”
Umemiya:
New idea.
We all write our own Sakura fics.
Contest-style.
And let HIM judge.
Anonymous.
Winner gets… a lap pillow from Sakura.
Togame:
Make it untraceable. Use VPNs. Mask your writing style. No emojis.
Nirei:
I’M IN.
I’m going to write about shrine sex with sweat-dripping foreheads and silent eye contact.
Kiryu:
You always write shrine sex. We GET IT, bro.
I’m going to write one where he gets dicked down in a bathhouse and bites his knuckles to stay quiet.
Suo:
Mine will be psychological. Dark. Intense.
Maybe he begs for it but doesn’t know why.
Maybe I beg too. Idk. Art is pain.
Endo:
Mine’s called “Hollow Devotion.”
He’s a temple boy. I’m a devil who wants to ruin him.
Spoiler: he ruins ME instead.
Anzai:
I’m just going to write porn. No plot. No shame. I have 19 drafts already.
Umemiya:
My fic will be 500k words.
Slowburn.
He sits behind me on my bike.
We cross the country.
We kiss once in chapter 97.
We cry in chapter 102.
The sex happens at chapter 460 and it destroys the fandom.
📱 Group Chat: “BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN // Secret Fic Drop Zone 🔥”
Suo:
ALL FILES ARE IN.
Password-protected folder.
Names are anonymized. Sakura won’t know.
Choji:
I’m calling the police.
Kotoha:
You do realize he’s going to figure it out based on the amount of crying and ass worship in every fic?
Togame:
You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Endo:
Send the link to Sakura.
Let the judgment begin.
📱 Later That Night: Sakura Haruka has entered the chat.
Sakura:
Suo sent me a folder.
Said to read. Judge. Rank.
There were 7 fics.
All about me.
In various… positions.
Nirei:
hides under table
Kiryu:
This was a mistake.
Sakura:
I’ve read them all.
One of them was actually… good.
Everyone:
👀👀👀👀👀👀👀
Sakura:
Very real. Not overly flattering. Not cringe.
The pain, the silence, the small details.
That’s how it feels to be touched.
That one wins.
Suo:
WHICH ONE WAS IT THO
Sakura:
It was called “His Stillness, My Ruin.”
Author: “nameless-thunder.”
Takiishi Chika has entered the chat.
Takiishi:
I’m blocking all of you.
Umemiya:
WAIT.
WAIT WAIT WAIT.
Togame:
NO.
FUCKING.
WAY.
Kiryu:
Takiishi you wrote the fic.
YOU WROTE THE SHRINE SMUT???
Takiishi:
I did not.
Sakura:
Your writing style matches your fight reports.
Same metaphors. Same structure.
It’s you.
Endo:
My god… my god wrote smut about my other god…
This is blasphemy and I support it.
Takiishi:
I’m deleting myself.
Suo:
Bro left comments on our fics too.
@nameless-thunder said mine lacked realism.
That my pacing was trash.
That no one touches Haruka’s hair like that unless they want to die.
Takiishi:
Because they don’t.
Sakura:
You win.
I liked yours best.
Umemiya:
Sakura.
Sweetheart.
Darling.
Did you… touch yourself while reading it?
Sakura:
Goodnight.
Sakura has left the chat.
Takiishi:
You worms have no honor.
Nirei:
That’s rich coming from you, shrine pervert.
Endo:
I would die happily if Haruka said my pacing was trash.
Anzai:
Can I quote your fic in my thesis?
Takiishi:
Die.
📱 Group Chat: BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN // Emergency 🥊💦
Choji:
🔴 Live now: “Takiishi’s Attempt at Peaceful Training (Gone Horny)”
Ren:
Choji. Take that stream title down.
Please.
Choji:
Too late. 1000 views already.
Sakura’s collarbone just trended.
📍 [LOCATION: DOJO]
Takiishi Chika stands shirtless under flickering lights. The air smells of sweat, leather, and tension. Sakura faces him, posture sharp, brows furrowed in concentration.
Takiishi:
“Now punch straight. Pivot your heel. And stop acting like this is foreplay.”
Sakura (panting):
“Sorry. It’s just… the way you look at me like I’m prey is confusing.”
Takiishi:
“I look at everyone like they’re prey. You're just the only one who blushes back.”
📱 GC CHAT REIGNITES:
Endo:
IS HE FLIRTING WITH HIM?!?!
IS MY GOD FLIRTING WITH MY HUSBAND??
Suo:
🖐 Calm your rabies, dogboy.
Let them fight. Let them fall in love. Let me film.
Umemiya:
WHY IS HIS HAND ON SAKURA’S SHOULDER??
WHY IS HIS VOICE SO LOW??
WHY DO I WANNA GET PUNCHED TOO???
Togame:
Guys. GUYS.
Why does it look like they’re one breath away from fucking??
I’m sweating. I’m crying. I’m dry heaving.
Anzai:
Somebody send a priest.
No, actually—send ME. I’ll exorcise Takiishi with my own tongue if I must.
📍 [DOJO – MOMENT LATER]
Sakura (gritting his teeth, pushing forward):
“I don’t care if you’re scarier than Suo’s back muscles. I want to be stronger.”
Takiishi (quietly):
“…You already are. You just don’t believe it yet.”
They freeze. For a moment, it’s almost tender—
Nirei sends a photo:
📸 [Sakura mid-lunge. Takiishi gripping his waist.]
Caption: “HIS HAND IS WHERE??????”
Kiryu:
I’m getting in my car.
Someone hold me back or I will THROW myself through the dojo window.
Umemiya:
I DARE YOU.
I DARE YOU TO INTERRUPT.
I WILL BE THERE WITH A SMOKE BOMB IN 5.
Suo:
Okay but pause.
How the FUCK is Takiishi kinda hot when he’s focused and condescending??
Endo:
😤😤😤
Back off.
Only I can call him hot. And only when he doesn’t ignore me for Haruka.
Takiishi (suddenly in GC):
You're all fucking loud.
Interrupt again and I’ll throw a kettlebell through your phones.
Kiryu:
Oh no the trauma therapist is here 😭
Takiishi:
I’m not here for your emotional wounds. I’m here to make him stronger.
If you want Sakura to be weak and rely on your limp affection forever, keep interrupting.
Togame:
Did he just call my devotion limp.
Choji:
Correction: He just kinkshamed all of us in one sentence. 😍
Ren:
I’m actually concerned at how many of you are turned on by that.
📍 [DOJO – LATER]
Sakura wipes his sweat, shirt riding up. Takiishi hands him water. Their fingers brush.
Sakura:
“…Did you just call me strong?”
Takiishi:
“No. I called you a dog with fangs. That’s not the same.”
Sakura (quietly):
“I like dogs.”
Takiishi (smirking):
“Careful. You’re starting to sound like the rest of your deranged fanclub.”
📱 GC ERUPTS AGAIN:
Suo:
BARKING
BARKING BARKING
I AM ON THE FLOOR BARKING
Nirei:
He’s FLIRTING AGAIN
HE’S FLIRTING AND CALLING HIM A DOG AND I’M EATING IT UP
Anzai:
I feel like my soul just left my body and walked into a fanfiction.
Endo:
So we’re all okay with Chika manhandling him like that huh?
No outrage? No riots? No death threats?
Kiryu:
You’re literally part of the cult. Sit down.
Endo:
I’m the founding member of the cult. But there are limits.
No one touches my pet unless I say so.
Takiishi (in GC):
He’s not your pet. He’s no one’s.
He’s his own goddamn storm.
📍 [Sakura looks at his phone mid-break]
Sakura (blinking):
“…They’re fighting over who owns me.”
Takiishi (dry):
“You’re not furniture. Ignore them.”
Sakura:
“But like… I’m really good furniture though.”
Togame:
I NEED HIM TO CALL ME A TABLE NEXT
I WANNA BE A NIGHTSTAND IN HIS ROOM
Suo:
I WANNA BE THE SLIPPERY FLOOR HE ACCIDENTALLY SLIDES ON AFTER A SHOWER
Umemiya:
Can I be the loofah
Ren:
Kotoha. Make them stop.
Kotoha:
No.
📱 GC MESSAGE:
Choji added "Takiishi's Brutal Bondage Bootcamp" to Drive
🔗 View now
Sakura:
“Why is it called bondage…”
Takiishi:
“I said I’d train you. I didn’t say I’d be gentle.”
📱 Chat Update:
Umemiya changed GC icon to a blurry pic of Takiishi gripping Sakura’s hip.
Caption: “We lost. But also we won.”
Takiishi:
Change that or die.
Anzai:
Counter-offer: tattoo it on my chest.
Takiishi:
You. First.
📱 FINAL MESSAGES BEFORE END OF DAY
Suo:
Hey Sakura… wanna spar with me next? I promise my warmups include full-body contact. 😈
Endo:
Let’s all just agree Takiishi was holding back.
No one flirts with Sakura better than me anyway.
Sakura (finally replies):
“You flirt like a stray dog who just got neutered.”
Endo (immediately):
Yes, daddy.
Kiryu:
FUCKING STOP
Umemiya:
WE NEED AN EXORCISM
Takiishi:
I told you all. Weak.
Sakura (dry):
You’re all banned from the dojo.
📱GROUP CHAT: BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN // DIGITAL DEATH
Pinned by Choji: “DO NOT update the messaging app. It’s glitching. Suo already deleted his soul.”
Sakura has entered the chat.
Sakura:
so
why do i have access to everyone’s saved drafts?
Kiryu:
huh???
Umemiya:
WAIT WAIT WAIT WHAT
Anzai:
DID HE SAY DRAFTS
LIKE
THE UNSENT THIRSTS???
Suo:
uninstalls himself from existence
Nirei:
I CAN EXPLAIN
OR DIE
EITHER IS FINE
Sakura:
i thought it was some archive feature
until i saw
“i want him to run me over with his bike then revive me with mouth to mouth and insult me for dying ugly”
Sakura:
who the hell wrote that
Umemiya:
…i have my poetic days
Togame:
quietly deletes 46 drafts
Choji:
too late. he saw them all.
📎 Auto-uploaded file from Sakura: [draft_chaos_masterlist.txt]
Sakura:
highlights include:
— “I want to be the sweat on his chest”
— “Your silence is louder than my bike, but I’d still ride you like my life.”
— “If I could, I’d be the air between your thighs.”
— “I’d let him step on me. In cleats.”
— “Is it illegal to moan while sparring if it’s Sakura?”
Endo:
those are all valid literary statements tbh
Takiishi has entered the chat.
Takiishi:
what the actual fuck did I just walk into
Takiishi:
Suo. Suicidal thoughts again?
Suo:
yes. triggered by seeing my own horny drafts
Takiishi:
throw your phone into traffic
Sakura:
also
some of you have... AO3 bookmarks
tagged “Sakura x Top Male OC who is definitely me”
what does that mean
Nirei:
NIREI_69 WAS A PHASE I WAS YOUNG
Anzai:
I WAS EXPERIMENTING WITH POWER DYNAMICS OKAY
Kiryu:
he bookmarked the breeding kink one
HE SAW THE BREEDING KINK ONE
Suo:
I only read them for ✨ literary ✨ purposes
Choji:
Suo you bookmarked a fic titled
“He Gasps My Name and I Lose My Mind: Vol 3”
Togame:
WHERE IS THE LEAK
IS IT INTERNAL
📎 Auto-uploaded image from Sakura: Screenshot of a draft
Caption:
who the hell is “ShrineOfThighs”? you wrote:
“I want to be the carpet in his room. The one he steps on when he’s sleepy and barefoot and calls me annoying but leaves me warm anyway.”
Sakura:
I want names.
Endo:
✨me✨
your honor
i was romantic
Kiryu:
Sakura please don’t hate us
we love you in very unstable ways
Takiishi:
This is the most brain-rotted shit I’ve seen
You all need therapy
Possibly exorcism
Definitely prison
Suo:
say that after you explained this draft:
📎 [“I would NOT kiss him. Unless he asked.”]
Takiishi:
…I write things for hypothetical combat scenarios
to test emotional endurance
fuck off
Sakura:
i’ve also seen the fic bookmarks
Sakura:
“Step on Me, Haruka-sama”
“Whispers in the Infirmary (NSFW)”
“Caught in the Rain (Wet Shirt AU)”
“Taiyaki and Thighs: A Love Story”
Sakura:
i didn’t even know what ao3 was
now i’ve read 37 fics in one night
why did i cry at “Petal Fall on the Tatami”???
Choji:
That one was written by a 19-year-old in Canada. She’s a genius.
Kiryu:
We have no pride left
Just make it official and open a fansign Sakura
Umemiya:
he read them
he read all of them
AND HE KEPT READING
GUYS
DOES THIS MEAN HE LIKES IT???
Nirei:
he emotionally bonded with the hurt/comfort tag
Suo:
i’m gonna write him a fic called
“Ride Me Like Your Bike, Baby”
Takiishi:
if you upload that
i will physically dismantle your kneecaps
Sakura:
also
Togame
at 2:46AM you wrote:
📎 “I wish I was his sweat.”
Togame:
YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT
Anzai:
Tag yourself I’m “sweat wish” and I’m not okay
Seiryu has entered the chat.
Seiryu:
Tsubakino says we’re not allowed to use the word “sweat” in GC anymore
Uryu:
we second that
Sakura:
anyway
thanks for the trauma
i’m logging off
Kiryu:
NO DON’T GO
WE CAN EXPLAIN THE SWEAT
Endo:
dream of me
but like
the emotionally available version
Suo:
I’m gonna write him a fic called “Exit Wound (From Loving You)” 😭
Takiishi:
He’s gone. You broke him. You clowns.
📷 Group chat photo updated
Caption: “This is why we can’t have nice things.”
Photo: All simps in shambles. Sakura in the background, calmly eating taiyaki.
Chapter 15: Customer Service, Crying, and Chaos: A GC Tragedy in Three Acts
Summary:
💋 Sakura agrees to work one night at a host club and becomes everyone’s sexual awakening.
🛋 A licensed therapist is hired and promptly unalives their career.
📺 Sakura says “Oikawa is hot” and seven people spiral into an identity crisis.Endo buys out a host club table just to stare.
Takiishi punches someone for looking.
Kiryu starts barking in Morse code.
And Choji? Choji is streaming it all in 4K slow-mo.Meanwhile, Sakura just wants his paycheck and maybe a decent bowl of soba.
Three acts. One chat. Infinite trauma.
Chapter Text
[GC: “furin brothers but mentally unwell”]
📌 pinned message by Choji:
🎥 Live now: “SAKURA HOST CLUB ARC — NIGHT OF SIN 💋💸”
🔗 [click to stream]
👀 67,431 views and climbing
💬 “I just saw God and he was holding a tray of wine.” — viewer
Tsubakino:
if you’re gonna sulk at the bar, at least make us money.
host club. tonight. one night.
do it, coward.
Sakura:
…I’m not sulking.
I’m brooding. Respect the aesthetic.
Tsubakino:
one smile = ¥10,000.
if you hate it, i’ll never ask again.
if you love it, you work next week too.
Sakura:
…Fine.
But only if I get to wear black.
Choji:
OH MY GOD
IT’S HAPPENING
I’M STREAMING
I’M BRINGING A RING LIGHT
[Later That Night – The Host Club, 7:00pm]
🎥 Live Camera Feed from Choji
📸 Sakura appears in a fitted black suit, hair slicked back, eyeliner sharp. He leans slightly over the bar and smiles politely.
Random Female Customer:
screams
HE LOOKED AT ME.
HE SAID “WELCOME, PRINCESS”
I THINK I OVULATED
Customer 2:
HE JUST POURED WATER IN MY GLASS
WHY IS THIS THE SEXIEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN
Customer 3:
I tipped him ¥10,000
and he just said “thank you”
I’m going to cry
[GC: “furin brothers but mentally unwell”]
Kiryu:
He smiled.
He SMILED at her.
What the hell is this betrayal.
Suo:
i haven’t known rage like this since i found out sakura doesn’t check my ao3 links
Nirei:
he tucked his hair behind his ear.
and said “what’s your poison?”
my knees buckled just watching the clip
Togame:
enters the club
WHO DO I HAVE TO FIGHT FOR A SEAT
Anzai:
the girl next to him just laughed
HE LAUGHED WITH HER
I CANNOT BREATHE
HE HAS NEVER LAUGHED AT MY JOKES
Endo:
I BOUGHT THE WHOLE TABLE.
I’M NOT LEAVING UNTIL HE SMILES AT ME.
I DESERVE THIS. I HAVE KILLED FOR LESS.
[Scene: Host Club ]
Sakura is now calmly pouring wine for a new table. He gently wipes a drip off the glass with a napkin.
Customer 5:
he’s so gentle
i’m going to name my future children after him
Customer 6:
he said “take your time” and I fell in love
Customer 7:
HE JUST SAID “YOUR EYES ARE LOVELIER THAN THIS WINE”
IS HE ALLOWED TO BE THIS POWERFUL
[GC Continues]
Umemiya:
HE NEVER SAID THAT TO ME
EVEN WHEN I NEARLY DIED IN FRONT OF HIM
Suo:
I AM GOING TO WRITE A SMUT FIC ABOUT THIS NIGHT.
AND I’LL TAG HIM IN IT.
WITH A POWERPOINT.
Endo:
I’M GOING TO LICK THE GLASS HE TOUCHED.
Kotoha:
seek help.
Yuto:
someone sedate them please
Takeshi:
I’m convinced this is psychological warfare
Ren:
he's good at this. disturbingly good.
[Door BURSTS OPEN. Enter: Takiishi Chika]
Takiishi:
WHO TOUCHED HIM.
Customer 9:
I—I just asked for the drink menu—
Takiishi:
PUNCHES HIM THROUGH A TABLE
Choji (in GC):
holy shit he really just
he actually
the guy is UNCONSCIOUS
Sakura (mildly):
…Chika, you weren’t invited.
Takiishi:
No one touches the puppy.
leaves without another word
Customer Reviews:
📝 “He poured water like a god.”
📝 “When he fixed my hairclip, I ascended.”
📝 “He said ‘see you soon’ and I immediately broke up with my boyfriend.”
Sakura (to Choji):
…That was the worst thing I’ve ever done.
I am emotionally exhausted.
Choji:
you made 230,000 yen
in three hours
with your face
Sakura:
never again.
I don’t like being touched that much.
next person who tries to hold my hand is getting suplexed.
[Back in the GC]
Tsubakino:
you did great.
never doing that again, though.
your simps caused three separate code reds.
Kiryu:
I WAS CRYING IN THE BATHROOM FOR 30 MINUTES
Umemiya:
I left a poem on your locker.
pls read it. it’s about your smile and also bikes.
Suo:
I started writing “he smiles like sin and drinks like a curse”
should I continue or…?
Sakura:
Delete it.
All of it.
Every photo. Every stream. Every word.
Togame:
he’s hot when he’s mad too
this is so unfair
Endo:
i licked the seat you sat on
thank you for your service
Kotoha:
i'm uninstalling this app
Ren:
are you guys not tired
Seiryu:
mentally, physically, spiritually — yes.
Yuto:
but like. if sakura did another shift.
i’d sell my limbs for it
Takiishi:
i’d kill another man if i have to
Sakura:
No.
Never again.
I’d rather fight Endo blindfolded on a rooftop during a lightning storm.
[New GC Group Icon Uploaded]
🖼️ Choji changes the GC photo to a heavily filtered screencap of Sakura wiping down a table.
Caption:
“HOST CLUB KING 👑💋”
Sakura:
I’m deleting the group chat.
Goodbye.
[GC: “furin brothers but mentally unwell”]
Choji:
📸 NEW DROP
caption: “the way he looked into her soul before saying ‘you deserve to be adored’ 🤧”
Attached Image:
Sakura, leaning in slightly, whispering something to a blushing girl. The lighting is dim. The chaos in the background is very visible.
Suo:
I THREW MY PHONE INTO THE WALL.
WHO IS SHE. WHO IS THAT GREMLIN.
SHE’S UGLY. I DON’T CARE IF SHE’S MISS JAPAN.
I HATE HER.
Kiryu:
He called her “beautiful.”
He doesn’t even call me that.
And I bring him hot towels after practice. Every. Day.
Nirei:
HE TUCKED HER HAIR BEHIND HER EAR
I SAW IT IN THE LIVESTREAM
I’M BLEEDING OUT
Anzai:
Why does he only speak in poetry when he’s not talking to me.
I got “move” last time I sat next to him.
Endo:
I wrote a whole diss track about this bitch.
Dropping it tomorrow. Title: “Back Off He’s Mine (And Also God)”
Kotoha:
…he was literally working.
he got paid to smile at her.
he gets trauma when you smile at him.
Ren:
thank you, Kotoha.
once again the only sane one.
Takeshi:
except Takiishi, who literally threw a man through a table.
Yuto:
I rewatched it.
Six times.
Clean punch. 10/10 form.
Takiishi:
that guy had a sketchy aura
don’t trust men who wear double denim
I saw it. I acted.
Choji:
🚨 FULL TABLE BREAKDOWN COMPILATION 🚨
Caption: “Takiishi vs The General Public: A Saga”
Attached Video:
-
Clip of Takiishi glaring at the guy.
-
Footage of the man asking, “Do you have champagne—”
-
Takiishi punching him mid-sentence.
-
The crash.
-
Sakura’s face: unbothered.
Suo:
you’re not slick.
you showed up. glared at every man.
then tried to act like a health inspector.
Umemiya:
I brought him a rose. A real one. I bit it between my teeth.
HE TOOK IT.
And then gave it to a girl.
Said: “She gave you this? Then you’re already lucky.”
I’M GOING TO SET MYSELF ON FIRE
Suo:
I was GOING to give him heart-shaped protein shakes.
I blended strawberries and vanilla whey. I had glitter straws.
AND I WAS TOO LATE
HE WAS POURING TEA FOR SOME GRANDMA
AND HE CALLED HER “A QUEEN OF HER TIME”
I SOBBED.
Endo:
My wallet is empty.
My soul is cracked.
He looked at me ONCE and said “Would you like a refill?”
And I said “I want your hand in marriage.”
Nirei:
You proposed??
HE BARELY LOOKED AT ME
HE ASKED “Can I take this plate?” and I dropped the plate ON MYSELF
Togame:
SOME OF US WERE OUTSIDE TRYING TO BREAK IN
THE BOUNCER SAID “WE’RE FULL”
I SAID “NO, I’M FULL OF RAGE”
LET ME IN.
HE’S MINE.
Takiishi:
you're all idiots
it was a shift. a JOB.
he doesn’t like any of them
Anzai:
oh really? then explain this screenshot.
Attached Screenshot:
Sakura resting his hand under his chin, smiling gently at the customer, saying, “You’re very easy to talk to.”
Anzai:
EXPLAIN IT, TAKIISHI. EXPLAIN THIS EMOTIONAL INTIMACY.
Takiishi:
…it’s customer service.
he says nice things to old women and children too
Kiryu:
I WILL BECOME BOTH.
IF I SHOW UP IN A WIG AND A BIRTH CERTIFICATE, WILL HE LOVE ME??
Choji:
guys. guys.
i have news.
you’re not ready.
Ren:
what did you do.
Choji:
i uploaded the whole stream to the school’s internal server.
it's in the “club activities” folder.
Yuto:
you WHAT.
Kotoha:
you put the HOST CLUB NIGHT under official documents??
Choji:
title: “Intro to Hospitality Management: Featuring Sakura”
it’s already got 1.2k views from staff and 3 emails from the principal
Suo:
DOES THAT MEAN TEACHERS SAW IT???
WHAT IF THE MATH TEACHER SAW THE PART WHERE I WAS SCREAMING “FILL ME WITH EMOTION” AT THE WALL
Umemiya:
i tried writing a poem after seeing him pour a glass of champagne
here it is:
“The glass is full, like my heart,
Yet never enough to contain your beauty.
Pour again. Drown me.”
Sakura:
i’m blocking you
Endo:
I recorded a 3-hour voice memo about what he means to me
I haven’t eaten. I’ve only watched the replay 15 times.
His little head tilt? His polite nod?
I want that projected on my coffin lid
Togame:
I snuck in a rose petal he touched. I put it in a locket.
If anyone tries to take it from me, I will kill.
Anzai:
GUYS.
GUYS.
HE SIGHED.
AT 1:47:39
WHEN THE GIRL SAID “DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?”
HE SIGHED. AND LOOKED AWAY.
Suo:
OH MY GOD HE’S LONELY
HE NEEDS COMFORT
I’LL BE HIS HUMAN PILLOW
Nirei:
HE’S BROODING AGAIN
EVERYONE MOVE
SIMP SWARM FORMATION BETA
Takiishi:
I’m muting this chat.
Forever.
You’re all insane.
Kiryu:
and yet you showed up
and punched a guy
because he asked for a drink menu
Takiishi:
he looked smug
Choji:
yall.
someone just posted fanart of Sakura in a host outfit
feeding grapes to a customer
Umemiya:
send. it. NOW.
Choji:
Here: 🎨 [link]
Caption: “King of my fantasies”
Sakura (finally rejoining):
I’m going to throw all of you in a lake.
Suo:
BUT DID YOU ENJOY IT???
THE ATTENTION? THE POWER??
THE ¥200,000???
Sakura:
No.
I now know what it feels like to be a celebrity on drugs.
Endo:
But you looked SO GOOD
the eyeliner. the collarbone. the way you said “may I join you?”
i ascended.
Takiishi:
…
okay but like
did you mean the “queen of her time” line
or was that scripted
Sakura:
No script. I was improvising.
Takiishi:
…
nevermind. deleting app.
[Sakura has changed the group chat name to: “UNHINGED PUBLIC MENACE LINEUP”]
[Group icon changed to: Suo crying into his protein shake]
Sakura:
next person who calls me “host-sama” gets suplexed into Choji’s stream rig
Choji:
I WOULD STREAM THAT TOO.
TITLE: “LIVE VIOLENCE: LOVE MAKES YOU DERANGED”
🧠 THE_GROUP_CHAT_HAS_ENTERED_THE_SESSION
TSUBAKINO:
okay. new rule.
nobody trauma dumps before 8am.
also. I hired another therapist.
SUO:
why
did the last one not survive?
CHIKA:
no. they ascended to heaven.
said “I have seen hell. it has wifi.”
KOTOHA:
Do we get to know their name?
Or do we just call them “therapist 2.0”?
TSUBAKINO:
be normal.
their name is Dr. Nakamura.
CHOJI:
streaming this intro 😭
“Hi guys, meet the person who will block all of you.”
🧑⚕️ therapist_dr_nakamura has joined the group
THERAPIST:
Hello everyone! I understand this is a roleplay-based fan group?
Please let me know your “characters” and how you’d like me to assist 😄
KIRYU:
roleplay…………
yes. I roleplay as a man who’s never been hugged
UMEMIYA:
My character’s thing is loving Haruka Sakura so much it makes me ill.
Real method acting.
NIREI:
I’m the local bisexual disaster.
My backstory is “fell in love with Sakura after he punched me once”
SAKURA:
…no comment.
SUO:
My lore is being mysterious.
I also write prose when I’m emotionally unstable.
ENDO:
I'm the guy who would stab the sun for Sakura if it looked at him wrong.
Also I like cats 🐾
TOGAME:
I roleplay as a man on the edge
ANZAI:
I just bark.
woof woof haruka-sama
THERAPIST:
O…kay. So everyone is in-character.
That’s great.
Let’s try a group grounding exercise!
Close your eyes and imagine a peaceful forest.
CHIKA:
no.
I imagine a boxing ring.
I am in it. everyone else is bleeding.
SEIRYU:
that was deeply specific and I respect that.
YUTO:
Do we have to close our eyes? I don’t trust Endo.
ENDO:
:)
CHOJI:
OH he just put on a “kiss the chef” apron.
but it says “kiss the sakura.”
HELP.
THERAPIST:
Alright. Let’s try journaling instead.
Write down something you’d want to tell your “character” if you were really them.
KIRYU:
“Dear Haruka,
I once pretended to fall off my bike so you’d touch my elbow.”
UMEMIYA:
“Dear Haruka,
I dreamt you were the wind and I was the lonely field.”
SAKURA:
I am right here.
NIREI:
“Dear Haruka,
Do you remember that time I blacked out after seeing your collarbone?
I do.”
CHOJI:
live footage of the therapist googling “can delusion be contagious”
THERAPIST:
What about those not playing a character?
@takiishi?
CHIKA:
no thoughts. just the fire gif again.
[CHIKA uploaded: 🧨🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥]
KOTOHA:
Dr. Nakamura? You okay?
THERAPIST:
I just need a moment.
Is there anyone who can be rational here?
REN:
hi.
I’m Ren. I work out, pay taxes, and cry when Sakura smiles.
THERAPIST:
Sane. Thank god.
REN:
until he smiles again. then it’s over.
TSUBAKINO:
what if we try discussing boundaries today?
UMEMIYA:
I respect boundaries.
Like the space between us.
That I want to eliminate.
SUO:
You ever look at someone and think “what if I climbed into their soul like a hoodie”
THERAPIST:
I feel unwell.
SEIRYU:
I warned you, doc.
YUTO:
This is your brain on simp. 🔥
CHIKA:
I already said that.
CHOJI:
flashback to chika sending a gif of a fire with no context
captioned: “this is your brain on simp”
every day he’s right
THERAPIST:
Okay! Let’s talk about communication.
@endo, what would healthy communication look like for you?
ENDO:
I say “I love you.”
Sakura says “thank you.”
I burst into flames.
He laughs. That’s the dream.
THERAPIST:
Healthy.
Not pyromaniac fanfiction.
SAKURA:
do you want me to leave the chat?
THERAPIST:
No, you’re the only one keeping me anchored to reality.
ANZAI:
do you need to lie down?
THERAPIST:
I need to ascend.
I need to find god.
I need to eat an ice cube and forget this happened.
TSUBAKINO:
...you made it 22 minutes longer than the last one
THERAPIST:
Tell the next therapist to run.
RUN.
🧑⚕️ therapist_dr_nakamura has left the group
💀 Therapist 2.0 has perished. Cause of death: exposure to this group.
KOTOHA:
so…who wants to do another journaling session?
CHIKA:
I want to punch a vending machine.
ENDO:
I want to be a vending machine.
Sakura can press my buttons.
SAKURA:
I’m deleting this app.
CHOJI:
no you’re not.
you just updated the group photo to that one where you’re holding the host club roses
SAKURA:
accident.
SUO:
freudian.
UMEMIYA:
divine intervention.
ANZAI:
romantic.
TOGAME:
horny.
REN:
accurate.
YUTO:
inevitable.
SEIRYU:
diagnosable.
CHIKA:
...shut up.
[GROUPCHAT PHOTO UPDATED: Sakura standing deadpan in a sea of roses. Kiryu passed out in the background. Endo vibrating.]
GC: FURIN FERAL UNIT (a.k.a. Sakura Protection Squad)
— pinned by Choji: “Please stop photoshopping yourselves next to Sakura in fanart. We know.”
[Sakura Haruka has changed the GC name to “My Anime Crush Tier List”]
Sakura:
so I watched a few more episodes last night
and I think I have a solid top 5 now
Choji:
wait wait wait
going live
Kotoha:
I knew this would happen
Ren:
This feels like watching a car crash in slow motion
Tsubakino:
You’re all projecting too much. Let the boy simp in peace.
Umemiya:
👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀
Nirei:
Haruka-kun please
don’t say you like someone basic
I can’t survive another Levi simp arc
Sakura:
…
-
Gojo Satoru
-
Oikawa Tooru
-
Levi Ackerman
-
Sae Itoshi
-
Kuroo Tetsurou
Endo:
YOU’RE INTO OIKAWA?
SIR??
Kiryu:
I’M NOT LOSING TO A FLIRTY VOLLEYBALL SETTER
I HAVE JAWLINE.
AND DISCIPLINE.
Suo:
dying my hair white brb
"Gojo Satoru" he says.
fine. FINE. I’ll go blindfold shopping.
Togame:
Kuroo?? Kuroo.
Tall. Sharp teeth. Bedhead.
…how do I compete with THAT
Anzai:
He said Levi Ackerman
I’m going to become a 5'2 war criminal immediately.
Nirei:
Sae Itoshi?
…ok fine I get it. The talent. The dead eyes. The “I hate everyone but you” vibe.
Choji [stream title update]:
🧠SAKURA DROPS ANIME CRUSH LIST | HAREM IN SHAMBLES | LIVE BREAKDOWN | ENDGAME SAEKURA??🧠
Takiishi:
You people need God.
Not Gojo.
The real one.
Uryu:
Tbh this is tame. He didn’t even say Sukuna. Be grateful.
Yuto:
If he had said Satoru Gojo and Toji Fushiguro I think Suo would've actually combusted
Takeshi:
This is why I avoid anime discourse. Look at you all. Crying over pixels.
Kiryu:
He chose FIVE. Five guys. That means FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF.
I am currently on stage 2: Rage.
@Suo let’s form an alliance.
Suo:
Only if you let me be Gojo and you be Kuroo
Kiryu:
NO. I’M THE COOL ONE.
Suo:
Cooler than Gojo?
Kiryu:
I SWEAR TO GOD—
Endo:
Can we focus.
He likes Oikawa Tooru.
That means he likes cunning, charming bastards.
I’m charming. I can be cunning. I’m endearing.
Takiishi:
You're a golden retriever with a knife collection.
Sit down.
Umemiya:
ok but Levi though
he’s short, scary, says “tch” a lot
DO YOU LIKE SHORT, SCARY MEN WHO CLEAN OBSESSIVELY
Sakura:
…idk
he just looks like he’d protect me and also call me stupid in a hot way
Endo:
SAY NO MORE
🧼🧼🧼🧼 I’M LEARNING HOW TO CLEAN
Togame:
Kuroo has the smugness
Sae has the apathy
Gojo has the arrogance
Levi has the precision
Oikawa has the drama
he literally chose his harem's personality traits
Anzai:
we’ve been out-simpped by fictional men again
Nirei:
Sae Itoshi is literally “cold prodigy who melts only for you”
Haruka. Be honest. Do you want that?
Sakura:
…maybe
Kiryu:
I’m gonna start my villain arc
Umemiya:
too late bro
you already have fanart of your villain arc crying in the rain
Choji [camera zooms in on Sakura's expressionless face]:
“What do you say when your crush simps for 2D men and you’re just a delinquent with a motorcycle and a dream?”
— GC Documentary, Episode 82
Suo:
Haruka, I wrote you a poem to compete with Kuroo
📄: “The Net Between Us (But I’d Still Spike for You)”
read it
pls
Takiishi:
Delete this app. All of you.
Endo:
We’re all competing against fictional characters
and still losing
what is life
Sakura:
it’s okay
I still think you guys are cool
Harem (collective):
😳😳😳😳😳
Takiishi:
You just gave 7 feral men a serotonin boost.
May God have mercy on us all.
Kotoha:
At this point we need an intervention
Yuto:
Or a vaccine
Ren:
I say we host “Anime Crush Therapy Night” every Friday
Choji [camera pans to Takiishi staring into the void]:
Ending stream.
Title: “When the Anime Men Win: The Fall of the Simps”
Chapter 16: Sakura’s Spiral into BL: Manhwa, Meltdowns & Misunderstandings
Summary:
When Sakura stumbles upon a beautifully drawn panel from a manhwa on IG, he’s just trying to figure out why one of the characters is shirtless and crying.
Three hours later, he’s deep into BJ Alex, asking the group chat what “cock cage” means.
The simp harem spirals. The sane ones panic.
Takiishi regrets opening his phone.
Choji livestreams the whole thing.
Chapter Text
📸 [@sakura.haruka just posted a story.]
FURIN HQ but it's Just Screaming
Sakura:
is “Love is an Illusion” a fantasy story??
Kiryu:
Huh???
Umemiya:
BRO WHAT???
Suo:
WHO SENT HIM TO HELL SO FAST
Togame:
wait no i was trying to recommend Solo Leveling I SWEAR—
Anzai:
Love is an illusion 😍 but your love for me is real ❤️
Sakura:
the omega guy just bit the alpha guy and now they're kissing and crying. are they okay?
Nirei:
OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD
BLOCK HIM FROM WEBTOON IMMEDIATELY
Choji:
(uploads 10-second slow-mo reel of Sakura reading BL with classical music)
Caption: “this is how innocence dies”
Takiishi:
Leave him alone for ONE SECOND and he finds the gayest trauma porn on the internet.
Endo:
👁️👄👁️
omg. he’s perfect.
Ren:
Can someone explain what’s happening? Is this about books again??
Kotoha:
Manhwa. He found BL manhwa. He’s asking about mpreg and knotting.
Sakura:
wait wait why is the guy in "Jinx" punching walls naked
does he have anger issues?? he needs a friend.
Suo:
I CAN BE HIS FRIEND
I CAN BE NAKED TOO
LET ME APPLY TO BE HIS FRIEND
Takiishi:
🧍♂️You’re all disgusting.
🧍♂️Also how is the art so good??
Choji:
wait wait he just liked a reel of BJ Alex
I REPEAT WE HAVE A CODE RED
🚨💀🚨
Anzai:
do you want to read my rewrite? It’s BJ Anzai. Same plot, less toxic. And I actually have an emotional arc.
Sakura:
why is everyone in these so sad
like… are there gay stories where they’re just happy?
and maybe drink hot chocolate?
Togame:
[dead silence]
We… we need to purify him.
Kotoha:
Okay everyone stop
We’re getting off the BL train now
Sakura
There are other amazing manhwa!!
Have you heard of “Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint”?
Sakura:
no but the name is cool
Ren:
Yes!! It’s about a guy named Kim Dokja who reads a webnovel that becomes real. He’s so tragic but brilliant.
Sakura:
he’s tragic?
Endo:
[eyes glowing]
oh no
Seiryu:
NO NO NO don’t recommend tragic characters, he has a TYPE
Suo:
KIM DOKJA IS NOTHING COMPARED TO ME
I’VE BEEN A NOVEL PROTAGONIST SINCE BIRTH
Umemiya:
my life is also a novel. it’s called
“the slow agony of watching the love of your life read gay manhwa and not look at you”
Sakura:
this “Cherry Blossoms After Winter” is really sweet
they live in same house?? and best friends?? and in love??
Takiishi:
You’re gonna cry in 5 chapters.
Suo:
I ALREADY AM
Nirei:
someone hack his phone. please.
Sakura:
okay this one is called “Low Tide in Twilight”
the art is super pretty but… is that…
do they usually do that on the floor?
Anzai:
😌 yeah.
Endo:
I volunteer. To explain.
To demonstrate.
Kotoha:
NEW RULE
We’re assigning him shounen ONLY.
Tsubakino:
I'm starting a new GC.
It’s called “Fixing Haruka’s Webtoon Algorithm.”
Tsuguera:
Send him “Solo Leveling.”
And “Trash of the Count’s Family.”
Fast. Before he bookmarks Jinx.
Sakura:
but I already bookmarked it 🥺
Takiishi:
You’re no longer allowed to use emojis.
Yuto:
I swear he was normal last week. What happened???
Choji:
I told y’all. The fall of Icarus.
Only the sun is BL trauma.
Endo:
🔥 him watching Melting Point
🔥 him asking “but do people actually do that??”
🔥 me, biting the nearest surface
Sakura:
wait who’s this guy with the long hair and red robes?
he’s talking to ghosts and fighting demons??
Seiryu:
OMG
HEAVEN’S OFFICIAL BLESSING???
YOU FOUND HUALIAN???
Umemiya:
I want to be his ghost prince so bad I’m gonna sob
Suo:
I want him to cry in my arms like Xie Lian.
Anzai:
I want him to wear red robes and step on me.
Takiishi:
Go touch grass. All of you.
Choji:
Never. I only touch screen.
(livestreams Sakura’s reactions to ch 23 of HOB with sappy music)
Kotoha:
Okay. He needs a break.
Sakura, how about “Cale Henituse”? He’s smart. Sassy. Doesn’t cry in bed.
Sakura:
…he’s the one in “Trash of the Count’s Family” right?
He’s sarcastic?
but he loves dragons?
Ren:
Yes! And he adopts everyone against his will.
Sakura:
…I think I like him.
Endo:
I’ve lost
To a redhead AGAIN
Suo:
Not the sarcastic guy with daddy issues stealing my man again 😭
Umemiya:
screaming. crying. throwing self into a manhwa portal.
Seiryu:
[quietly]
He has good taste. Kim Dokja and Cale are elite.
Sakura:
…is there a manhwa where both of them meet?
Endo:
HE’S MAKING CROSSOVER FICS IN HIS HEAD
WE NEED TO STOP HIM
Togame:
WHERE DID YOU EVEN FIND THIS STUFF??
Sakura:
someone posted a BL manhwa meme on my IG.
with two guys hugging under an umbrella.
it looked really pretty.
so I clicked.
now I’m here.
Takiishi:
…we should’ve just made him play Valorant like a normal teenager.
Choji:
too late. he’s reading Under the Green Light now.
and saving reels of characters in suits.
I REPEAT:
WE HAVE LOST THE BOY.
🟦 Group Chat: We Need to Talk About Haruka
🎥 Pinned Message: “Choji is live now: ‘Sakura reacts to dom!seme scenes while drinking milk tea’”
Kotoha:
‼️ I am calling an intervention.
He just asked me what “top energy” means.
Sakura:
but it’s in every comment?? like “Cale has top energy”?
what does that mean.
is it a martial arts rank?
Umemiya:
yes. he’s like a… level 99 cuddle warrior.
Takiishi:
no
he’s a DOMINANT SEME YOU BRAINLESS HIPPO
Ren:
Why are you yelling 😨
Choji:
stream caption update:
“Sakura misreads ‘seme’ as sword style. Togame’s nosebleed enters frame.”
Suo:
LISTEN
if Cale is top energy
then I’M ULTRA INSTINCT DOMINANT
Endo:
your crying in public arc says otherwise
Suo:
I WAS EMOTIONAL
IT WAS RAINING
AND HE HAD A LEAF IN HIS HAIR
Nirei:
you are not winning against a fictional Korean aristocrat with a pet cat and dragons and 900 dads
Anzai:
Sakura
you know what else is good?
"Full Volume."
It’s about two guys one is an author and other likes to stream .
Lots of angst. Slowburn. loving scenes.
Sakura:
🥺
does anyone die?
Umemiya:
no but YOU might
Sakura:
btw i just finished Under the Green Light
why are they always having silent eye contact and removing ties
is that a thing people do IRL
Endo:
...depends.
do you want it to be?
Togame:
IM BLOCKING YOU
BLOCKING YOU
BLOCKING YOU
Suo:
he’s so curious
he’s so earnest
he’s so UNHINGED AND I LOVE HIM
Tsubakino:
I’m begging the Korean manhwa gods
to let this boy read one healthy romcom
Tsuguera:
I tried sending him a shoujo
He said “the girls are cute but they don’t punch enough”
Yuto:
He wants trauma AND violence.
He’s evolving into a y/n reader.
Sakura:
okay new one:
“Define the Relationship”
this one is really pretty??
the guy just told the other guy "you're my favorite exception"
I think I screamed
Choji:
stream alert
💀 LIVE FOOTAGE OF SAKURA BLUSHING AT A LINE FROM A SEME 💀
Takiishi:
I'm moving to the mountains
No WiFi. No BL. No Sakura simps.
Kotoha:
WE NEED TO GET HIM OUT OF THIS GENRE
Seiryu:
Okay. Calm plan.
Sakura
have you heard of “The Beginning After the End”?
Sakura:
no but the art looks really cool
Ren:
Yes!! It’s action fantasy.
Reincarnated prince. Strong female characters.
ZERO kissing.
Sakura:
no kissing?? 🥲
Takiishi:
you’re crying over lack of kissing now??
this is what BJ Alex has done to you.
Anzai:
i can kiss you if you’re sad, baby
Suo:
NO YOU CAN’T HE’S MINE
Sakura:
also i may have saved a reel of the Heaven’s Official Blessing kiss scene
it was raining
the red robes were flowing
I think I ascended??
Umemiya:
i saw it
it was on loop
his expression didn’t change for 8 minutes
i timed it
Endo:
he’s entering the shrine wife stage
Nirei:
next he’ll be writing Hualian x Cale Henituse crossovers
Sakura:
what’s a “power bottom”
Togame:
I’M GOING TO BURN THE INTERNET
Choji:
stream alert
“‘Power Bottom Explained Using Furin Fight Hierarchy’ - 30 min documentary by Choji”
Takiishi:
We don’t need a PowerPoint on Power Bottoms you demon.
Kotoha:
He was so normal
He liked fighting
He ate omurice
He wore tracksuits
Ren:
Now he’s posting “hot seme edit audios” on IG stories
Suo:
I sent him a fan edit of myself
he liked it
i win
Umemiya:
i made a slideshow with me photoshopped into every BJ Alex panel
he saved it.
i win.
Endo:
you people are sick
he deserves a soft man
Takiishi:
he deserves a NEUTRAL man
like Kim Dokja
someone who runs from feelings and lives on black coffee
Sakura:
he sounds nice
Sakura:
btw why do all the characters in “Jinx” have trauma and no bed sheets
Choji:
…it’s symbolic
the trauma is raw
the backs are bare
the bed is a metaphor
Takiishi:
your degree should be revoked
Seiryu:
Sakura, let’s try something
read End of the Beginning.
there’s world-ending threats. time loops. magic.
no sex. just death and healing.
Sakura:
can someone… live this long and still have hope?
Umemiya:
🥺
Suo:
🥺
Anzai:
🥺
Endo:
i will be his hope
Yuto:
what’s the last thing he saved?
Choji:
checking 👁️
wait
WAIT
he saved an edit of Cale doing taxes shirtless
Togame:
HOW IS THAT EVEN REAL
Sakura:
he just looked calm
and responsible
and maybe a little sad
Takiishi:
next thing you know he’ll simp for Levi Ackerman
Sakura:
wait
i already do
Tsubakino:
Okay. Everyone.
We regroup tomorrow.
Sakura gets ONE manhwa recommendation per day.
NO BL for 72 HOURS.
Sakura:
🥺 okay…
…just one more chapter of “Jinx”?
Everyone:
NO
GC NAME: 🥊🏍️ Bofurin but Unhinged™ 💥📱
Pinned Message:
Choji: “If Sakura starts crying over fictional men again, I’m livestreaming it.”
[12:03 AM]
Choji:
GUESS WHOSE SAVED REELS JUST GOT LEAKED INTO THE CLOUD 🥳🥳🥳
Ren:
whose
Choji:
🌸SAKURA🌸
💀💀💀💀💀
Takiishi:
what do you mean
elaborate before i punch
Choji:
i mean i accidentally (on purpose) opened his IG while syncing my phone to the bluetooth speaker during training and um.
There were reels.
Many.
So many.
[12:04 AM]
Screenshot Sent by Choji
IG reel titled:
“When you realize Joo Jaekyung just wants to be loved 😭”
Audio: soft BL angst piano music
Visual: slow zoom on Jinx panel of Jaekyung staring at Kim Dan from the shower
Nirei:
bro.
BRO.
Umemiya:
HE’S IN HIS JINX ERA
Suo:
I WARNED YOU ABOUT THAT MANHWA
I WARNED YOU 😭😭😭
Anzai:
No because Jaekyung is so raw and unhinged I GET IT
He’s the Suo and Kiryu of BL
Suo and Kiryu:
HEY
[12:05 AM]
Sakura:
I didn’t mean to get into it
Instagram just showed me a post saying “Top 10 BL Manhwa that will destroy you emotionally”
And then I clicked.
And now I’ve read 14.
Endo:
ONLY 14??
BABY NUMBERS.
GIVE ME YOUR LIST I’LL RATE THEM.
Sakura:
Okay so far:
-
Love is an Illusion
-
BJ Alex
-
Jinx
-
Cherry Blossoms After Winter
-
Low Tide in Twilight
-
Melting Point
-
Heaven’s Official Blessing
-
Under the Green Light
-
Full Volume
-
Room to Room
-
Semantic Error
-
Blood Link
-
The Pizza Delivery Man and the Gold Palace
-
Dine With a Vampire
Choji:
this man is NOT alright.
[12:06 AM]
Kotoha:
Can we talk about the titles.
“The Pizza Delivery Man and the Gold Palace” ????
Yuto:
It’s actually deeper than it sounds. 👀
Seiryu:
Heaven’s Official Blessing is valid tho
I also cried over Hua Cheng
no shame
Uryu:
You people have lost your minds
Also did no one notice the jump from Cherry Blossoms to BJ ALEX????
Takiishi:
Love is an Illusion.
Sounds like a mental illness.
Endo:
It IS
But in a HOT WAY
Togame:
...Is BJ Alex the one where the guy—
wait nevermind I’m not finishing that sentence.
Sakura what the HELL
Sakura:
I was curious
They kept making it sound dramatic
And I like drama
Ren:
WHAT ABOUT KIM DOKJA???
[12:08 AM]
Sakura:
Oh right
I also started Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint
Kim Dokja is so sad and traumatized I want to hold him
Tsubakino:
A step in the right direction.
May I also recommend:
-
Trash of the Count’s Family
-
Solo Leveling
-
The Beginning After the End
-
SSS-Class Revival Hunter
-
Dungeon Meshi
Sakura:
I did like Cale Henituse...
but then I saw a fight breaking out at school and forgot to finish the chapter
Choji:
bro is really fighting his attention span 💀
Kiryu:
But did you bookmark any scenes
like
any specific ones
Choji:
OH I GOT YOU
Screenshot:
Reel title: “Low tide in Twilight but it’s only Taeju in biker outfit set to The Weeknd.”
Umemiya:
Sakura
Be honest
Did that scene change you
Sakura:
...yes.
[12:10 AM]
Suo:
I’M GOING TO COMMIT VIOLENCE.
WHAT DOES PARK DOJIN HAVE THAT I DON’T
Sakura:
He’s patient and emotionally available
Suo:
WOW
Rude.
Takiishi:
He also has common sense
Unlike you clowns
Anzai:
I just want to know if Sakura cried during Jinx ch. 25
Sakura:
I did
a lot
Endo:
SEE??
He’s valid
I would literally fight Jaekyung for hurting Kim Dan then kiss him anyway
Togame:
NO ONE IS OKAY
NO ONE
Choji:
He’s now saving reels.
UNDER THE GREEN LIGHT.
Slow-mo.
Captioned:
“Enemies to lovers but make it suffer first.”
Kotoha:
I’m calling tsubakino
Seiryu:
We need an intervention
Uryu:
He watched one shirtless man cry and spiraled into 40+ BL trauma comics
Yuto:
...same tbh
Takiishi:
I told you
Anime is a disease
BL is the plague
Choji:
You say that like you didn’t comment “peak” under the “Under the Green Light” panel where Go Myeong bit his lip
Takiishi:
shut up
Sakura:
I’m still confused by like
how are they…how do they—
Kiryu:
OKAY NO
DON’T FINISH THAT SENTENCE
I’M DRAWING A LINE HERE
Suo:
I CAN EXPLAIN
Endo:
NO LET ME
I HAVE DIAGRAMS
Takiishi:
I will kill all of you
and then myself
Choji:
You think it’s over?
You think he’s done??
Sakura just liked 3 reels featuring:
-
Jaekyung chain-smoking on the roof
-
Hua Cheng holding Xie Lian’s ankle
-
That BJ Alex scene in the studio mirror room
Sakura:
Also what does “alpha hole” mean
ALL OF THEM:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Final Screenshot Sent by Choji
Sakura’s Instagram saved folder titled:
“Pretty Art / Trauma / Men in Suits Being Sad”
Caption:
He’s gone.
We lost him.
Forever.
Takiishi (edited):
I blame all of you
especially Suo
Suo:
He would’ve found it eventually!!
Ren:
He used to be pure...
Togame:
He was NEVER pure. He just didn’t know yet.
Yuto:
We need to show him wholesome manhwa
Right now
Before he bookmarks the Omegaverse
Choji:
TOO LATE
HE ALREADY FOLLOWED THE AUTHOR OF LOVE IS AN ILLUSION
Sakura:
Anyway
Does anyone want to cosplay with me next school festival?
Takiishi:
I’m deleting this app.
Endo:
I’ll be Jaekyung
Let me bench press you
Suo:
NO
I’LL BE JAKEYUNG
I HAVE THE STAMINA
Kiryu:
YOU’RE ALL GROSS
Umemiya:
I’ll just write a BL fic about us and call it a day
[12:20 AM]
GC PHOTO UPDATED
📸 Sakura in the middle, holding manhwa volumes like a shoujo prince
Everyone else photoshopped into traumatic BL scenes
Caption by Choji:
This is your king now.
This is his court.
Chapter 17: Sakura, Secrets, and Simp-Induced Suffering: A GC Catastrophe in Three Acts
Summary:
It starts with a mystery love note. Ends with a library crime scene.
In this three-act disaster of unhinged affection, Sakura Haruka receives secret chocolates, gets forced to judge who’d make the best husband, and becomes a librarian… only to accidentally ignite a book-themed simp war.
There are fake testimonials, shirtless cooking, BL manhwa under “History,” and a suspicious amount of crying.
Featuring:
One very confused main character
Seven emotionally unstable suitors
One exasperated Takiishi
Several security violations
And absolutely no peace.
Chapter Text
📱 GROUP CHAT: Bofurin + Shishitoren // Critical Sakura Situation
Nirei:
EVERYONE WAKE UP. ALERT ALERT ALERT 🚨🚨🚨
Nirei:
HE GOT A NOTE. A REAL NOTE. WITH CHOCOLATES.
Nirei:
“Your smile makes my day”
WHO THE FUCK WROTE THIS
Togame:
OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD
IS THIS HOW I DIE???
Umemiya:
No. No. No. I’ve been emotionally preparing for this day.
But also: I’LL KILL THEM 🧍♂️🔪
Suo:
Wait wait wait did Sakura actually SMILE at someone??? 😵💫
Endo:
…
I DIDN’T SEND IT
BUT I COULD HAVE
AND I SHOULD HAVE
DAMN IT
Anzai:
SEND A PIC OF THE HANDWRITING. WE’RE DOING FORENSIC ANALYSIS ✍️🔍
Kiryu:
I JUST WOKE UP TO THIS AND I’M SWEATING. I’M HAVING AN OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE
Choji:
Imagine being the person Sakura smiled at 😭
Takiishi Chika has entered the chat
Takiishi:
Plot twist: it’s none of you.
Suo:
GET OUT OF HERE WITH YOUR LOGIC, CHIKA 😤
Togame:
UNLESS YOU’RE SAYING IT’S YOU, HUH???? 👁️👄👁️
Takiishi:
Absolutely not.
Haruka smiles like a confused kitten about to commit murder. I would never inspire that.
Kotoha:
...wait.
Where was he when he got it?
Nirei:
School gates. Morning. He had a yawn-stretch moment and THEN boom, chocolate box on the desk.
Ren:
So public... bold move.
Sakura is typing…
Sakura:
I just put them in the fridge???
Sakura:
Also thanks?? They tasted good.
Umemiya:
I’M GONNA SCREAM
YOU ATE STRANGER DANGER CHOCOLATES
YOUR LIPS ARE HOLY AND UNTOUCHED 😭😭
Endo:
Wait did you moan after the first bite
Because if you did I need to know for scientific reasons
Togame:
OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT
ROLL CALL: WHO DID IT?
Suo:
Not me. But I will be sending a bouquet of strawberries and apology letters to his mouth.
Anzai:
…what
Suo:
You heard me.
Kiryu:
I’d never do something that subtle. If it were me, he’d get 16 roses and a handwritten letter in blood.
Choji:
Please seek help.
Umemiya:
I write poetry. But that wasn’t me either.
Unless my sleepwalking self finally took action.
Nirei:
WAIT. I SAW SOMEONE AT HIS DESK THIS MORNING. A SHORT GIRL. IN THE FIRST-YEAR UNIFORM.
Kotoha:
OH
OH NO
Ren:
What.
Kotoha:
GUYS
It’s a first-year.
Entire GC:
WHAT.
WHATTTTTTTTTTTT
Suo:
I’M GOING TO THROW MYSELF INTO THE SEA. NOT A FRESHMAN. ANYONE BUT A FRESHMAN.
Togame:
I’M GOING TO GET ARRESTED. MY GOOGLE HISTORY IS ALREADY ON THIN ICE.
Endo:
WHAT KIND OF DEMON CHILD THINKS SHE CAN FLIRT WITH OUR HARUKA
Anzai:
She’s not even tall enough to make eye contact without tilting her whole head. DISGUSTING.
Takiishi:
You’re all unwell.
Choji:
They’re feral. It’s kinda impressive.
Kiryu:
I AM SPIRALING
Nirei:
IMAGINE HER HANDS
ON HIS FINGERS
GIVING HIM CHOCOLATE
Umemiya:
DON’T
FUCKING
SAY THAT
Sakura is typing…
Sakura:
Why are you all screaming. It’s just a thank you gift, probably.
Suo:
NO. IT WAS A DECLARATION OF LOVE. AND YOU SMILED.
Endo:
What else did she say.
What did she call you. Angel? Baby? Sweetheart? GOD?
Sakura:
She said…
“You look nice when you’re sleepy.”
Kiryu:
I’M GOING TO BURN THE SCHOOL DOWN
Togame:
I WILL GIVE HER SLEEPINESS. PERMANENTLY.
Anzai:
This GC is now a revenge council.
Takiishi:
You are all clinically unwell.
Choji:
I’m saving these messages. For evidence.
Suo:
LET'S SET A TRAP
REPLICATE THE SCENE
MAKE HIM SMILE
SEE IF SHE SHOWS UP AGAIN
I’LL HIDE IN A LOCKER
Nirei:
I’LL HIDE UNDER THE DESK
Umemiya:
I’LL HIDE INSIDE THE VENDING MACHINE
Endo:
I’LL HIDE IN HIS HOODIE
Kiryu:
I’LL BE THE HOODIE
Sakura is typing…
Sakura:
I think I’m going to nap.
Suo:
NOOOOOOO DON’T GO
I NEED CLOSURE
Togame:
DID SHE TOUCH YOU???
ANSWER ME
Sakura:
…She patted my head once.
Entire GC:
⁉️‼️‼️‼️🚨🚨🚨🚨⁉️
Umemiya:
I’m barking. I’m biting. I’m chewing drywall.
Anzai:
I AM FOAMING. ACTUAL FOAM.
Kotoha:
I’m going to pretend I didn’t read that.
Ren:
Please check on your blood pressure, everyone.
Endo:
I’m declaring war on the first-year class. I’ll start by stealing their lunch money.
Suo:
I'm going to seduce their math teacher out of spite.
Takiishi:
I’m logging off. I can’t be associated with this stupidity.
Takiishi has left the chat.
Choji:
He’ll be back.
Sakura is typing…
Sakura:
…I gave her back the box and told her I don’t date minors.
Entire GC:
🧎🧎♂️🧎♀️ KING BEHAVIOR
CHIVALRY ISN’T DEAD
WE RAISE OUR GLASSES
YOUR HONOR IS RESTORED
Nirei:
CAN I HUG YOU
CAN I JUST
PLEASE
Suo:
Sir, I would like to propose. With a ring pop.
Kiryu:
I’m crying. I’m a mess. I love you.
Togame:
FUCK THAT GIRL
I’M BACK IN THE GAME
Umemiya:
You’re too good for this world.
Anzai:
You are the final boss of kindness and rejection.
Sakura is typing…
Sakura:
I just didn’t want to get arrested.
Choji:
King of common sense. 💖
Kotoha:
Smartest man in the chat.
Ren:
And now I’m calm again. Almost.
Uryu:
You guys were going to actually kill someone over chocolate?
Seiryu:
They were plotting a tactical assault in real time. This is deranged.
Tsubakino:
I’ll be making everyone in this chat attend a morality seminar.
Endo:
Will it be hosted by Sakura?
Suo:
He can punish me for my crimes. Please.
Kiryu:
I would literally serve jail time if he asked.
Sakura:
You’re all insane.
Suo:
YOU MAKE US THIS WAY 😭😭😭
Togame:
I WANT TO BE A CHOCOLATE BOX NEXT TIME. LET ME HOLD YOUR SMILE.
Umemiya:
I’d tattoo that rejection quote on my chest.
Nirei:
Haruka…
My sweet seasonal bloom…
You remain untouched by evil.
Choji:
Nirei please touch grass.
Sakura is typing…
Sakura:
I’m blocking all of you if I ever get another box.
Suo:
That’s fair.
Togame:
…what if I dress as a first-year and flirt with you?
Sakura:
I’ll get the cops myself.
Endo:
This is romance. He threatens us with jail and we bark louder.
Kiryu:
DEGRADATION LOVE LANGUAGE
Suo:
STOMP ON MY PRIDE AND CALL ME UNWORTHY
Anzai:
Therapist: So what triggered your descent?
Me: Chocolate. And a boy with a deadly smile.
Takiishi has rejoined the chat
Takiishi:
I took a 20-minute nap and came back to worse brain damage.
Sakura:
Don’t worry. I’m still single.
Takiishi:
Thank god.
Suo:
WOOO HE CARES
Endo:
Wait are YOU the one who gave the box—
Takiishi:
Block me again and I will hack the chat.
Nirei:
Final vote:
Who wants to be the chocolate?
Everyone:
🖐🖐🖐🖐🖐🖐🖐
Sakura has changed the group name to:
“Not the Chocolate Box Cult.”
Sakura has muted the group.
Choji:
Fair.
📱 [GROUP CHAT: “Bofurin + Shishitoren // GC of Delusion & Divorce Court”]
Ren:
OKAY.
Since you feral animals keep trying to out-simp each other—
Kotoha and I are hosting a debate. 🧑⚖️
Kotoha:
🎤 Topic: Who Would Make the Best Husband for Sakura?
Ren:
Criteria:
-
Emotional maturity
-
Financial stability
-
Cooking skills
-
Stamina
-
BONUS: Not being annoying in this GC 😐
Kotoha:
Sakura is the judge. 🧑🍳👑
DO 👏 YOUR 👏 BEST.
Sakura:
Why am I being used like a prize in a village fair.
Togame:
BECAUSE YOU ARE THE PRIZE.
Kiryu:
attaches Google Doc
Please find attached my resume titled: “Kiryu—Built for Love.”
Kiryu:
Highlights:
-
Emotionally available (92% of the time)
-
Can braid hair AND feelings
-
Wrote 12 haikus about you in March
-
Once gave my jacket to a stray cat because it reminded me of you 😭
Suo:
Oh it’s like that? Bet.
Sending my husband portfolio now. 😌
Suo: uploads voice note
🎧 “Goodnight, baby. You’re the softest thought I’ve ever had. I hope you dream of us—oh wait. This wasn’t for the GC? My bad 😳”
Anzai:
Here’s my testimonial from your future dog, Haru.
“My dad Anzai always fills my bowl. He also calls Papa Sakura ‘angel baby.’ I approve.”
Kotoha:
Please tell me that’s not a real dog.
Anzai:
Does a stuffed shiba count?
Endo:
I own three apartments.
I can make French toast blindfolded.
I’m flexible. In all the right ways. 😏
Also? My left arm strength is enough to carry him bridal-style. Tested.
Kiryu:
WHAT DO YOU MEAN TESTED?
Endo:
Gym simulations.
And… dreams.
Nirei:
I have trauma. That counts for something.
I will love Sakura like he’s my redemption arc.
Togame:
I will build him a house. Out of katanas. And scented candles.
Umemiya: uploads a photo
📸 Umemiya shirtless, cooking curry
Caption: “Come home, baby. Dinner’s hot. So am I.”
Takiishi:
You people are disgusting.
Takiishi: uploads spreadsheet
📊 Title: “Reasons Why These Fools Shouldn’t Be Trusted with a Goldfish, Let Alone a Husband Role”
Takiishi:
Endo: Obsessed, loud, too smug. Would burn the toast.
Suo: Too dramatic. Would narrate breakfast like an erotic poem.
Kiryu: Has a Pinterest board titled “if we were married.” Therapy.
Nirei: Crying kink.
Togame: Literal weapons in bed.
Anzai: Future dog??
Umemiya: Makes curry. Cool. Still an idiot.
Endo:
Oh so you studied us.
Suo:
You memorized my vibe 😳
Togame:
You think I’d only bring one weapon to bed?
Anzai:
Wait. Nirei has a crying kink?
Nirei:
That was confidential!
Ren:
FOR GOD’S SAKE THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WHOLESOME.
Kotoha:
Sakura, baby, you need to choose. Just say a name.
Sakura:
You all scare me.
But…
Sakura:
Kiryu seems like he’s trying hard.
Kiryu:
cue ugly sobbing noises
I’M ENOUGH?? YOU THINK I’M ENOUGH???
Togame:
RIGGED. ABSOLUTE FRAUD. RECOUNT THE VOTES.
Endo:
I brought real estate into this and lost to a guy with pastel bullet points??
Suo:
Stamina section was clearly rigged.
You didn’t even let me submit my bedroom mixtape.
Nirei:
My trauma means nothing to you. 😭
Anzai:
Haruki the dog is heartbroken.
Umemiya:
So my abs mean nothing. Noted. Turning emo.
Takiishi:
All of you need to choke on uncooked rice.
Choji:
I streamed this entire debate on school Wi-Fi.
We’ve gone viral. 🥂
Tsubakino:
I will have to explain this to the ethics board again.
Ren:
NO. MORE. DEBATES.
Sakura:
I’m going offline.
Ren. Kotoha. I hate you.
Kotoha:
Love you too, baby 💕
Suo:
NEW RULE: Everyone writes a wedding vow draft.
Sakura chooses the best one. 📝
Kiryu:
I’m already shaking. My pen is crying.
Umemiya:
I’ll carve it into my chest.
Endo:
I’ll tattoo his name on my soul.
Takiishi:
I’m blocking all of you.
[GC: BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN: Book Club Edition 📖💔]
Tsubakino:
Sakura’s starting a part-time job today. Be normal.
He specifically picked the quietest job to avoid you people.
Ren:
Librarian… that’s… so peaceful.
So pure.
Suo:
You’re telling me this man is going to wear cardigans and glasses and SHUSH people?
Endo:
He’s gonna shush ME?
I’ll start barking.
Kiryu:
I need to get banned from that library. Immediately.
Togame:
What aisle do I have to strip in to get escorted out by Sakura?
Choji:
He hasn’t even STARTED his shift yet.
Nirei:
Wait are we going??
Like… now??
Takiishi:
I will set the library on fire if you all act up.
Umemiya:
Just ordered a “Books are my love language” tote bag.
Suo:
How fast can I write a BL novel and get it shelved in the “Local Authors” section?
Kotoha:
Sakura’s literally cataloguing fiction. Please don’t have a public breakdown.
---
[📸 Kiryu sends a blurry zoomed-in pic of Sakura at the library desk.]
Caption: LOOK AT HIM. LOOK AT OUR ANGEL.
---
Endo:
WHY IS HE WEARING SWEATER VESTS
WHY DOES HE LOOK SO HUGGABLE
I'M FOAMING
Anzai:
That’s the look of a man who’ll silently close your book, then open you.
Nirei:
blushes in library
Ren:
…You’re not even there???
Nirei:
Emotionally, I am.
Choji:
I told the library staff I was doing a documentary.
Tsubakino:
You’re not.
You’re holding an iPhone with the zoom filter.
---
[📸 Umemiya sends a pic of himself reading beside Sakura.]
Caption: “He said I smelled like paper and ink. I might cry.”
---
Suo:
I’m on the way. I’m gonna read poetry OUT LOUD and force him to shush me.
Takiishi:
If one of you gets banned, I will personally revoke your oxygen rights.
---
📷 Nirei sends selfie from inside the library wearing glasses.
Caption: “I am literature now.”
Endo:
I’m forming a book club. Only rule? We read him.
---
Kotoha:
Guys. He’s ACTUALLY working. You’re making him anxious.
Ren:
Togame just got kicked out for yelling at a 12-year-old about a light novel.
Togame:
HE SAID OIKAWA WAS MID. I HAD TO STAND UP FOR THE KING 😤👑🏐
---
[📎 Sakura has joined the chat]
Sakura:
Togame.
You are banned from the library for one week.
Togame:
What if I wear fake glasses and go by “Tokage”?
Sakura:
I will know. I always know.
Kiryu:
He’s strict. He’s powerful. He’s bookish.
He’s mine.
Suo:
What section is “Sakura: A Biography of a Wet Dream” in?
Takiishi:
Someone shut him up before I staple his mouth with a paperclip.
---
Endo:
Haruka, someone misshelved BL manhwa in “History.”
You want me to re-organize it? 😇
Sakura:
That was me.
Everyone:
🤡🤡🤡
---
Umemiya:
Haruka, if I wrote a novel, would you read it?
Sakura:
Only if there are no motorcycles.
Umemiya:
But what if the motorcycle is a metaphor for my heart
Sakura:
Then it’s going to crash.
---
Suo:
New goal: seduce him with literature.
Endo:
He made me return my own poetry because it was “inappropriate.”
Togame:
What’d it say?
Endo:
Roses are red,
Sakura is divine,
Shush me again
And I’ll make you mine.
Tsubakino:
I’m logging out forever.
---
Kotoha:
Sakura, how’s the job?
Sakura:
Quiet.
Peaceful.
I’ve already kicked out four of them.
Choji:
That’s a record.
Also your face is now the wallpaper on the “Banned List” computer.
---
Takiishi:
I'm impressed.
Endo:
You impressed with HIM or WITH ME for being here every day?
Takiishi:
Neither. I’m impressed you’re still breathing.
---
Sakura:
I’ve reshelved 92 books today.
Suo:
Can I be book
93?
Handle me with care 😳
Sakura:
I will throw you in the donations bin.
---
📸 GC ICON UPDATED
New Pic: Everyone in library glasses, Sakura glaring in the center with a name tag reading “STAFF (Do NOT Flirt With)”
GC: BOFURIN + SHISHITOREN: Book Club Edition 📖💦]
Ren:
Um.
Why was a book titled "Love is an Illusion" shelved under HISTORICAL NONFICTION?
Nirei:
That is a historical text if you’ve ever had a fake relationship with a man who turns you gay.
Kotoha:
…please say you didn’t read it.
Endo:
Too late. 😌
[📸 Endo sends a pic of “Love is an Illusion” open on a library table.]
Caption: “Page 42 did things to me.”
Togame:
NO BECAUSE I READ THAT TOO
AND PAGE 42???
I BLUSHED SO HARD I ALMOST VOMITED.
Anzai:
Let’s just say the illusion was pants. The love was real.
Suo:
That omega was fighting for his LIFE and losing it in every position known to man.
---
Sakura has joined the chat.
Sakura:
What’s going on.
Umemiya:
Did you put BL in the history section on purpose?
Sakura:
I wanted to make sure it was preserved.
Takiishi:
Preserved like what, a relic of human evolution?
Sakura:
Yes. And it’s more emotionally complex than half the textbooks in here.
---
Choji:
You started with Love is an Illusion.
What’s next? BJ Alex?
Suo:
Oh my GOD he needs to read BJ Alex. The character development. The tension. The–
Takiishi:
The dick.
Endo:
I VOLUNTEER TO BE HIS SMOKING NEIGHBOR
Togame:
WHY DOES HE GET TO BE JIWOON
I HAVE THE PIERCINGS AND THE LACK OF STABILITY
---
Ren:
Can we… can we maybe introduce him to non-horny manhwa? Like Omniscient Reader?
Sakura:
I like Kim Dokja. He’s dramatic.
Kotoha:
YES. YES OKAY. FINALLY.
Sakura:
But I like Michael Kaiser better. 💙
Entire chat:
🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨
---
Kiryu:
MICHAEL KAISER???
YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LIKE ME
Suo:
I will physically fight this 2D blond menace. I will PUNCH MY SCREEN.
Anzai:
He’s not even real and he’s winning.
I’m going to start cosplaying Isagi and erase his memory.
Endo:
If I dye my hair blond and wear eyeliner will you call me mein liebe?
Sakura:
No. You’ll still be Endo.
Endo:
dies instantly.
---
Takiishi:
You all are weak. This is why you’re losing to a JPEG.
---
Umemiya:
What if I start riding a motorcycle in a Germany football uniform.
Sakura:
You already do that.
Umemiya:
Not in GERMAN.
---
Nirei:
Sakura… which manhwa have you read so far?
Sakura:
Let’s see:
Love is an Illusion
Jinx
Cherry Blossoms After Winter
BJ Alex
Under the Green Light
Heaven Official’s Blessing
Full Volume
Melting Point
Low Tide in Twilight
Define the Relationship
Choji:
...My sweet summer child.
Suo:
I AM PROUD OF YOU
Endo:
HE’S BECOME TOO POWERFUL
Togame:
Did you read the scene in Low Tide in Twilight with the desk?
Sakura:
Yes. That’s why I reshelved it under "Engineering."
---
Kotoha:
Sakura. Sweetie.
You’re sure you’re not… traumatized?
Sakura:
They were beautiful stories about vulnerability, desire, and people falling in love under extreme gay stress.
Takiishi:
“Extreme gay stress” is what this group chat gives me daily.
---
[📸 Choji sends a video of Sakura saving BL manhwa reels on IG]
Caption: Caught him saving that one where the uke faints after one kiss.
Anzai:
He liked the one where the omega kicks the alpha in the nuts and still gets bred.
Suo:
HE’S ONE OF US NOW
---
Tsubakino:
So let me get this straight—
Everyone:
No.
Tsubakino:
Fair.
I’ll be in the gardening club if you need me.
---
Kotoha:
Sakura… would you like recommendations from another genre?
We could do isekai. Or slice of life. Or fantasy?
Sakura:
I’ll try. But only if the men are pretty and emotionally broken.
---
Ren:
Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint?
Sakura:
Kim Dokja is… dramatic. I relate.
Choji:
He’s literally the definition of “emotionally suppressed mess with abandonment issues.” You sure?
Sakura:
Exactly. My people.
---
Suo:
Okay but real talk. If you were in a BL, who’s your type?
Sakura:
Kim Dokja’s drama.
Oikawa’s smile.
Kaiser’s ego.
Levi’s focus.
Gojo’s face.
Kuroo’s voic
e.
Umemiya:
That's 6 red flags in a trench coat and I support you.
Endo:
You forgot me.
Sakura:
Did I?
---
[GC ICON UPDATED]
New image: Sakura sitting on a beanbag chair surrounded by BL manhwa while everyone else stares at him like cultists.
Chapter 18: Maid for Chaos: Sakura Wears a Maid Outfit, Sanity Dies
Summary:
When Kotoha ropes Sakura into helping out at a maid café for a school fundraiser, all hell breaks loose. One glimpse of Sakura in a frilly skirt and knee-high socks sends the simp harem into total collapse. From lap-pillows to nosebleeds, fainting fits to café arson plots, it's just another day in the GC from hell.
Chapter Text
Kotoha:
hi ☺️ quick announcement!!
Sakura agreed to help at my friend’s maid café today!!! 🫶✨💅
Suo:
Excuse me.
EXCUSE ME.
DO YOU MEAN
MAID.
C-A-F-E.
WITH THE OUTFIT???
Nirei:
🫠 i am ascending
send photos now. NOW. I NEED VISUAL STIMULUS TO PROCESS THIS.
Kiryu:
If I don't see Haruka in ruffles and thigh highs in the next 10 minutes I will hex the moon.
Umemiya:
Can I book a table. For one. For life.
I’ll bring a ring and a forehead protector.
Togame:
Do you guys hear that?
That’s the sound of my last brain cell melting from anticipation.
Choji:
I’ll livestream.
Also, no you may not touch him. Or breathe near him. Or exist too close.
Takiishi:
This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
You’re all morons.
Suo:
You’re just mad you can’t pull off a skirt like Sakura 😌
Takiishi:
I will commit arson.
Starting with this “maid café.”
Endo:
You will NOT.
I just bought the entire menu.
Table for 6. Actually, make that just me. Sitting at all 6.
Yuto:
I just wanna say… maybe this is a little much?
Ren:
Yeah maybe we tone it dow—
Sakura joins GC
Sakura:
They gave me a name tag that says “Sweetberry Haruka.”
Is this legal.
Nirei:
MY BRAIN JUST SHORTED
“SWEETBERRY HARUKA” I’M HAVING A STROKE 😭😭😭😭
Kiryu:
I just bit through my phone case.
Suo:
Haruka, on a scale of 1 to "my thighs are showing," how bad is the skirt.
Sakura:
…Let’s just say Umemiya just laid his head on my lap and fainted.
Choji:
He WHAT.
Umemiya:
It was a religious experience.
He stroked my hair. Said it was like his “president’s.”
I saw god. God was hot.
Takiishi:
I’m setting this place on fire.
Tsubakino:
Do not commit arson.
Endo:
face in lap WHEN IS IT MY TURN.
Togame:
I’m already here.
I brought cat ears and fake blood.
Don’t ask.
Anzai:
I’m crying and I don’t know why.
What the hell does "Sweetberry" even mean.
Kiryu:
It means I will never know peace again. That’s what it means.
Suo:
Togame, what did he say to you???
Give me your dialogue, now.
Togame:
I asked him to say “welcome home, master”
And he said it with the softest blush.
Suo:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Nirei:
I asked him if he could pat my head and say “you did your best today.”
I blacked out.
When I woke up I was weeping.
Umemiya (still half-dead):
He touched my temple and said “you have a fever.”
I screamed, “I HAVE DESIRE” and passed out again.
Sakura:
I think you’re all actually unwell.
Takiishi:
The fact you’re just not kicking them is proof you're unfit for combat.
Get outta there, kid.
Sakura:
But I got a strawberry parfait for free 🥺
Endo:
I’ll buy you a thousand.
Just pat my head ONCE.
Kotoha:
Please remember this was supposed to be a cute bonding dare 🥲
Uryu:
I left for ten minutes.
Now someone is bleeding from the nose and someone else is crying over parfaits??
Yuto:
This is so deeply cursed.
Suo:
It’s not cursed.
It’s divine intervention in skirt form.
Choji:
Do I tell them you just tried to lick the menu?
Suo:
YOU SWORE YOU WOULDN’T TELL
Tsubakino:
I’m shutting the GC down.
Sakura (sending selfie in maid outfit):
Is this really that bad? Feels kinda breezy. The boots are nice tho.
Everyone:
[GC AUDIO NOTE: INHUMAN SCREAMING x14]
Kiryu:
I’M OUTSIDE THE CAFÉ.
I’M WEARING A TUX.
I BROUGHT FLOWERS.
I HAVE THREE COLOGNES ON.
LET ME IN.
Suo:
YOU’RE OUTSIDE??
SAVE ME A SPOT.
I’M BRINGING SAKURA A LOVE POEM.
AND A ROSE.
AND A FUCKING VIOLIN PLAYER.
Choji:
You don’t even know a violinist.
Suo:
I KIDNAPPED ONE.
Umemiya (reviving from faint):
Can confirm. There’s a terrified man in a tux playing Canon in D outside the café.
Anzai:
I’ve opened my life savings.
I’ve booked a private booth.
I WILL BE THE NEXT HEAD ON HIS LAP.
Togame:
I’m already inside.
I got a "special interaction pass" by bribing Kotoha with a limited edition body pillow.
YES I HAVE NO SHAME.
Endo:
Sweetberry Haruka told me I “look like a knight.”
I told him I’m ready to die in battle for him.
He laughed.
I’m now immortal.
Nirei:
MY TURN. MY TURN.
I ASKED HIM TO FEED ME A STRAWBERRY.
HE DID.
I’M NOT EVEN HUNGRY. I’M JUST SPIRITUALLY STARVED.
Kiryu (frothing):
HE FED YOU???
WITH A SPOON???
Nirei:
NO
WITH HIS FINGERS
HIS. FINGERS.
[AUDIO FILE: Kiryu screaming like a banshee]
Suo:
You know what???
I’m walking in with a goddamn marriage contract.
Kotoha:
Guys I’M WORKING HERE.
DO NOT FIGHT IN THE WAITING AREA AGAIN.
Yuto:
This was a mistake.
Ren:
Sakura, blink twice if you’re in danger.
Sakura (texting mid-shift):
Umemiya came back and asked if he could sit on the floor and “breathe the same air.”
I let him. He hasn’t moved in ten minutes.
Takiishi:
I just kicked a customer.
He tried to hug Sakura.
I told him his lungs were optional.
Choji:
Staff has asked you to leave three times.
Takiishi:
They can’t evict vengeance.
Tsubakino:
You do realize this is illegal, yes?
Takiishi:
So is being that hot in fishnets.
And no one’s arresting Sakura.
Sakura:
Wait I’m wearing fishnets?
Togame:
YES.
YES YOU ARE.
AND I AM IN PAIN.
Anzai:
He leaned down to wipe whipped cream off my cheek.
I died.
I wrote a will.
It says “bury me in his apron.”
Endo (from the next booth):
He told me “you look tired, want a massage?”
I SAID YES.
AND THEN I BLACKED OUT.
Suo:
Oh my god he massaged you??
WHAT KIND OF SERVICE IS THIS, KOTOHA??
Kotoha:
…okay maybe I upgraded his menu without asking.
Nirei:
I asked him to call me “good boy.”
He did.
My soul left my body.
Umemiya:
He said my hair was soft again.
I said, “I’d die for you.”
He patted my cheek and said “please don’t.”
Togame:
I’d fake death if it meant he touched me.
Yuto:
I’m going to throw my phone into the sun.
Sakura (mildly concerned):
Should I be worried you’re all this… weird?
Suo:
SWEETIE.
WE’VE BEEN THIS WAY SINCE YOU FIRST TIED YOUR HAIR BACK.
Endo:
I have a folder of your neck photos.
Labeled “holy.”
Choji:
Takiishi is growling at customers.
Takiishi:
Someone said “maid-san” in a flirty tone.
I bit him.
Uryu:
How is this still legal.
Tsubakino:
I’ve filed 4 HR reports.
Sakura:
Okay but who left a love letter in the tip jar?
Anzai:
…define love letter.
Suo:
Define tip jar.
Kiryu:
Define love.
Togame:
Define Sakura’s thighs.
Takiishi:
Define death by violence.
Sakura:
You guys are exhausting. I need a nap.
Choji:
NAP ON MY LAP
Everyone:
[PHOTO: Sakura curled up in a booth, apron a little rumpled, cheeks pink from working, soft sleepy smile.]
GC desc changes to: "Sweetberry Haruka Fanclub 💘 Maid Edition"
Kotoha:
You’re all paying double.
📱 [GROUP CHAT: FURIN GC: WE HAVE LOST CONTROL]
Kiryu:
I SAW SKIN.
REPEAT: I. SAW. THIGH. SKIN.
Suo:
KNEECAP CONFIRMED.
BARE. UNHOLY.
I AM HAVING A VISION.
Togame:
Umemiya passed out again.
He muttered “pillow thighs” and collapsed like wet laundry.
Umemiya (reviving):
Worth it.
10/10 softness.
Smelled like vanilla rage.
Endo:
He sat down on my lap while tying his shoelaces.
It was ten seconds.
I now believe in God.
Anzai:
KOTOHA WHO APPROVED THIS SKIRT LENGTH
WHO
Kotoha:
That’s the standard uniform.
He just happens to have legs like war crimes.
Nirei:
I took a picture.
I’m making it my lock screen.
Then I’m deleting my phone so it’s the last image I ever see.
Ren:
You people are sick.
Takiishi:
A man tried to touch his apron strings.
I stabbed a plastic fork into his hand.
Choji:
The customer is suing.
We’ve hidden the body under the crepe counter.
Tsubakino:
Do I even bother filing another incident report?
Yuto:
What’s the point. Just rename the café to “Despairberry”.
Sakura (messaging mid-shift):
Someone just asked if I was single.
I panicked and said, “Emotionally unavailable.”
Suo:
He’s LEARNING.
HE’S BECOMING LIKE US.
Endo:
Sweetberry said no one compares to his bike president.
I said I’d get a motorcycle.
He patted my head and said “Good luck.”
Endo (fainting):
He called me good luck.
I’m framing those words.
Kiryu:
I tried to leave a lipstick kiss on his hand.
He wiped it off with a napkin and said “Be normal.”
I barked.
Togame:
Someone brought a gift bag labeled “for thigh appreciation.”
It was me.
Umemiya:
I don’t even know how to be normal anymore.
I just whispered “sir” when he dropped a tray and bent over.
Choji:
He let you call him sir?
Umemiya:
No, he said “don’t be weird.”
Which only made me harder.
Anzai:
Okay but when he leaned over my table and asked if I needed “extra sugar”…
That was emotional terrorism.
Ren:
You all need therapy.
Takiishi:
Therapy can’t undo the image of lace-trimmed thigh highs burned into my brain.
Tsubakino:
If this café doesn’t close soon, I’m opening a rival one called “Sanity’s Last Sip.”
Yuto:
Sakura is just trying to earn extra cash.
Meanwhile you degenerates are making this an exorcism site.
Sakura:
I think I dropped a spoon and four people offered to pick it up with their teeth?
Togame:
Guilty.
Suo:
Also guilty.
Kiryu:
Plead the fifth.
But with my whole mouth.
Nirei:
He leaned down to refill my tea and said “thank you for waiting.”
I cried.
Endo:
He said “see you again” and I went home and wrote a poem.
Kotoha:
Guys, Sakura’s going on break.
Nobody—
I repeat, NOBODY is allowed near the staff room.
[IMAGE: Sakura sitting in the break room, one thigh over the other, sipping peach soda. Skirt riding up just a bit.]
GC desc updated to:
🍑 Peach Fizz & Pillow Thighs: The Cult of Maid Haruka
Umemiya:
This is a religious experience.
Anzai:
I tried to sneak in.
He threw a napkin at me and it hit like divine judgment.
Takiishi:
A girl tried to tip him ¥5000 and wink.
She no longer has kneecaps.
Choji:
Did you actually dislocate someone’s knees?
Takiishi:
One. And a half.
Sakura:
Why is there a sign outside saying “kneel before the thighs”?
Suo:
That…
That may be mine.
Kiryu:
Can I PLEASE get a photo of his garter belt??
Kotoha:
THERE’S NO GARTER BELT—
[PHOTO: Sakura adjusting the hem of his skirt. A tiny black strap is just barely visible.]
GC GOES SILENT.
Nirei:
…God help us all.
Togame:
I’m going to scream into a rice cooker.
Umemiya:
I didn’t see anything.
I saw everything.
I want more.
Takiishi (in full menace):
The next person who breathes near his knees dies.
Tsubakino:
You know this was supposed to be a part-time shift, right?
Sakura:
Yeah.
I agreed to do this once a week for the next month.
Endo:
I am building an altar.
Anzai:
I am carving his name into my ceiling.
Suo:
I am offering my soul for a booth reservation.
Choji:
You’ve created monsters.
Yuto:
No. We’ve created maids.
GC desc updated again to:
🖤 Sweetberry Haruka’s Cult of Maidness™ – Now Accepting Donations & Kneecaps
🌙 BONUS SCENE 1: Post-Shift Breakdown (Sane Corner, Barely)
📍 Location: Back Alley Behind the Maid Café
Ren:
So.
Did anyone die?
Kotoha:
Emotionally? Yes.
Physically? Probably Takiishi’s last victim.
Choji (massaging his temples):
We had a girl faint, three customers break the no-touch rule, and one guy offer ¥50,000 to sit on Sakura’s lap.
Yuto:
What did Sakura say?
Kotoha:
He told him: “You can donate to the café, but you can’t buy my thighs.”
Tsubakino:
…That’s going on the next merch drop.
🔥 BONUS SCENE 2: The “Thigh Blessing” Ritual (Harem Edition)
📍 Location: Maid Café, 10 minutes before closing.
Umemiya:
May I… lay my head in your lap… again?
Sakura (casually):
Sure. Your hair feels like my president’s dog.
Umemiya (explodes):
HE COMPARED ME TO HIS DOG. I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE HONORED.
Kiryu:
My turn.
proceeds to place head gently
passes out instantly
Nirei:
I’m next.
starts crying before even reaching his knees
Endo (sits cross-legged on floor, holding his own face):
Let me breathe in his aura.
Just one exhale.
Just—
Sakura (petting his head):
Endo, you’re shaking. Do you need water?
Endo (feral whimper):
No… I just need you. 😭
Suo:
I brought a heart monitor. My BPM spiked at “Do you need water?”
Togame:
You all disgust me.
gets in line anyway
🛐 BONUS SCENE 3: Takiishi Threatens God (Again)
📍 Location: Staff Room, Quiet Moment
Takiishi (quietly to Choji):
He smiled at a customer.
For real.
Smiled.
Choji:
He was being polite, Takiishi.
Takiishi (visibly twitching):
The guy asked for a refill. Sakura laughed. He tilted his head.
Choji:
And?
Takiishi:
He tilted his head.
LIKE A KITTEN.
WITH FANGS.
Takiishi (grabbing a matchbox):
I will burn this building down.
📸 BONUS SCENE 4: Group Chat Photo Chaos
[IMAGE: Sakura in maid uniform, looking over his shoulder, confused. In the background, ALL six simps passed out with bleeding noses.]
GC NAME UPDATED TO:
💌 Maid-sama: The Kneecapless Fanclub
GC DESC UPDATED TO:
“Your thighs, my shrine. Your apron, my salvation.” – The Simp Creed
Sakura (typing):
Why is the café’s tip jar labeled “Thigh Tax”?
Togame:
Because it’s what we owe.
Suo:
It’s thigh reparation, babe.
Kiryu:
We live under the law of skin. And skirt.
Sakura:
I’m deleting this group.
Anzai:
You say that every week.
💤 BONUS SCENE 5: The Night After
📍 Location: Sakura’s Room
[Voice Message: Kiryu, sobbing]
“I just wanted to thank you for… for existing. You could’ve worn pants. But you didn’t.”
[Voice Message: Suo, husky whisper]
“Goodnight, little apron angel. Dream of thighs.”
[Text: Takiishi]
If any of you message him tonight, I’ll tear your vocal cords out with tweezers.
[Sakura sends one message before muting GC for 24 hours:]
“Goodnight. Remember to drink water. And stop simping.”
Chapter 19: Accidental Smut, Gender-Bending, and Lip Gloss: Sakura’s Chaotic Week
Summary:
It starts with a 50k-word smut fic. Ends with a kissing booth. Somewhere in the middle, Sakura is in a skirt again.
Three chaotic incidents unfold in one hellish week:
Sakura accidentally opens smut about himself.
He agrees to run a kissing booth (in pink lip gloss).
He stars as the female lead in the school play.
The simps? Ferally unwell.
The sane ones? Giving up.Sakura? Still unfazed.
Chapter Text
[ Group Chat: CHAOS SUPREME ]
Sakura 💤:
i clicked a link
thought it was fanart
but it was… 50k words
tagged “maid outfit” and “breeding kink”
what the hell is a prostate massage?
Endo (Deranged™):
WHAT
WHATTTT
SIR
PLEASE
STOP READING
MY BRAIN IS SPARKING
Suo 💘:
Link.
Drop it.
NOW.
Takiishi 👔:
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "BREEDING"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "PROSTATE MASSAGE"
WHO WROTE THIS
I’M GOING TO COMMIT A HATE CRIME
Kiryu (Silent Suffering):
no one tagged me in that fic…
but i’ve definitely read it.
Umemiya 🏍️:
👀
research time???
i volunteer.
straps on glasses and nothing else
i am prepared for immersive fieldwork, Professor Sakura.
Togame 🎮:
LMFAOOOOO
THIS IS WHAT Y’ALL GET FOR BEING HOT AND ONLINE
SEND THE LINK SAKURA I’M COLLECTING BLACKMAIL
Choji 📸:
Guys.
He said "what is a prostate massage" like it was a recipe.
I’m crying.
Anzai 🧁:
Sakura-san, respectfully,
Did the fic…have a scene involving a mirror and whipped cream?
I-I need to confirm if it’s the one I think.
Sakura 💤:
mirror? yes
whipped cream? yes
someone cried after being called “good boy”??
i was confused
Endo (Deranged™):
IM OUT
GOODBYE
I AM BURNING MY PHONE
I AM SETTING MY HEART ON FIRE
Suo 💘:
🤝 mirror kink bros unite
also sakura do u want an actual explanation of prostate play or—
Takiishi 👔:
DO NOT
I SWEAR TO GOD
DO NOT SAY ANOTHER WORD
Nirei 📖:
wait so the fic has
maid outfit
breeding
mirror play
prostate massage
praise kink
HOW DARE THEY STEAL MY DRAFT
Kotoha 🎓:
I’m the only one trying to teach in this school and my students are out here analyzing smut tags like it's literature.
Tsubakino 🧠 (Therapist?):
I log in
I see "breeding kink"
I log out
Sakura 💤:
also what does “clit stim but make it boy” mean?
Takiishi 👔:
I’M CALLING THE POLICE
Choji 📸:
I’m updating the GC title to
💦 “Haruka Sakura: Breeding-Tagged & Emotionally Confused” 💦
y’all are sick
Umemiya 🏍️:
So uh
when is Sakura doing a live reading
Asking for a friend (me)
Suo 💘:
I’m printing the fic out and binding it
Gonna hand it to Sakura like it’s his thesis
Endo (Deranged™):
THAT FIC SAID
“His thighs trembled like cherry blossoms in the rain”
AND THEN DESCRIBED HIS TONGUE AS “A RAINBOW FISH”
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
Anzai 🧁:
It means I’m blessed
and haunted
Kiryu (Silent Suffering):
I copied a paragraph from that fic once
and used it in my creative writing final
I got an A
Sakura 💤:
are the…things in that fic possible?
asking for educational reasons
Suo 💘:
YES 😌
With enough lube and courage
Takiishi 👔:
🤬 I AM REPORTING THIS CHAT
I AM REPORTING THIS SCHOOL
I AM REPORTING MY EXISTENCE
Umemiya 🏍️:
He said “asking for educational reasons”
HE’S CURIOUS
HE’S ONE OF US NOW
Endo (Deranged™):
GUYS I CAN’T DO THIS
I HAVE A FRAGILE HEART
AND A DANGEROUS IMAGINATION
I CANNOT HANDLE SAKURA SAYING “PROSTATE MASSAGE” CASUALLY
Sakura 💤:
so “milk kink” isn’t about dairy?
Takiishi 👔:
THIS IS WHY I DON’T SLEEP
EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES
YOU PEOPLE CORRUPT HIM
Ren 🧂:
Even I need bleach
Kotoha 🎓:
And therapy
Tsubakino 🧠:
And god
[ System Message: Sakura has bookmarked the fic. ]
Togame 🎮:
OH HE BOOKMARKED IT
GAME OVER
SAKURA HAS FALLEN
THE WORLD IS NO LONGER SAFE
Suo 💘:
I’m lighting incense.
We’ve entered a new age.
Umemiya 🏍️:
🥂 to the author
whoever they are
you brought us together
Endo (Deranged™):
I feel like I was run over
by a truck
and the truck whispered “good boy” while reversing
Kiryu (Silent Suffering):
I knew peace once
It was brief
And now it’s gone
Takiishi 👔:
I hope every AO3 author who writes these things stubs their toe
On a LEGO
With the force of 10,000 sins
[ GC renamed to: "Breeding-Tagged But Curious" ]
[ Group Chat: Breeding-Tagged But Curious ]
Suo 💘:
Is it true
Is it REAL
IS SAKURA REALLY AT THE KISSING BOOTH TODAY?
Choji 📸:
Confirmed.
I just walked past.
There’s a line.
It’s longer than Endo’s search history.
Takiishi 👔:
I thought you said no one would come??
Ren 🧂:
HE said yes because he thought NO ONE would show up.
This is what we call a miscalculation.
Kotoha 🎓:
This is what we call: "Sakura forgetting that he is hot."
Suo 💘:
Do we get to choose where the kiss lands?
Like lips, cheek, forehead, foot—
Takiishi 👔:
💥 NO
YOU DO NOT
THIS IS A SCHOOL EVENT
A CHARITY EVENT
NOT A SLEEZY CARNIVAL FROM HELL
Umemiya 🏍️:
i’m bringing flowers
and lip balm
also i got a mint stuck in my throat
if i die it’s okay. i’ll die kissed.
Endo (Deranged™):
I BOUGHT THE WHOLE LINE
I PAID EVERYONE OFF
I’M GOING TO KISS HIM 47 TIMES
AND THEN DIE
AND THEN DO IT AGAIN
Kiryu (Silent Suffering):
my asthma’s acting up
i can’t breathe
i’m going to faint before i even reach the booth
Anzai 🧁:
i made him a heart-shaped cookie
it says “kiss me daddy”
should i remove the word daddy
or lean in
Togame 🎮:
GO FULL SICKO
THERE’S NO MORALS IN WAR
[ Attached Image: Sakura at the kissing booth. In a soft pink button-down. With lip gloss. Pink. Glossy. ]
Choji 📸:
📸 update: he’s wearing pink lip gloss
📸 update: i am emotionally unwell
📸 update: Suo just stole the tissue Sakura wiped it with
Suo 💘:
🧻 it’s mine now
i’m framing it
next to my future marriage certificate
Takiishi 👔:
I AM THROWING A CHAIR
I AM THROWING THIS WHOLE DAMN SCHOOL
Umemiya 🏍️:
me when he kissed me on the cheek: 💥💥💥
exploded.
actual blood came out of my nose
his lip gloss smelled like strawberries and sin
Ren 🧂:
I tried to high-five him instead
he still smiled at me
I STILL DIED
Nirei 📖:
he looked into my soul
and said
“you have nice eyelashes”
i blacked out
woke up next to the snack stall
Togame 🎮:
Someone tried to use tongue.
Takiishi threw a Fanta in their face.
Takiishi 👔:
NO TONGUE.
NO GROPING.
NO “WHOLESOME NECK KISSES”
NO CRYING AFTER
I AM THE RULES
Kiryu (Silent Suffering):
i touched his hand by accident
he squeezed it back
he smiled
i’m changing my lockscreen
Anzai 🧁:
I asked if I could kiss his forehead
he nodded
I kissed
I cried
he said “thank you for being gentle”
I collapsed
Suo 💘:
He leaned forward
closed his eyes
and kissed my lips.
Soft. Warm. Strawberry-sin-laced.
I forgot how to stand.
Endo (Deranged™):
HE SAID “NEXT?” IN A SOFT VOICE
LIKE IT WASN’T DESTROYING PEOPLE
LIKE HE WASN’T CAUSING PHYSICAL DAMAGE
I NEED CPR
Umemiya 🏍️:
I left him a poem
it’s just 38 stanzas of me screaming
Kotoha 🎓:
You realize this was supposed to raise money
Not raise blood pressure
Tsubakino 🧠:
I came to supervise
Left with three emotional wounds and a nosebleed
Sakura 💋:
why did Endo kneel when I kissed him
Endo (Deranged™):
IT FELT HOLY
LIKE A SACRAMENT
LIKE COMMUNION
LIKE—
Takiishi 👔:
STOP
STOPPPPPPPP
GET HIM OUT OF THE BOOTH
I’M ENDING THIS EVENT RIGHT NOW
I’M TORCHING THE SIGN
Ren 🧂:
I asked him if he was okay
He said “My lips are a little dry”
AND THEN LICKED THEM
I HAD TO SIT DOWN
Choji 📸:
Sakura’s kisses have caused:
-
5 nosebleeds
-
3 collapses
-
1 Fanta incident
-
17 new crushes
-
And one stolen napkin now in Suo’s pocket
Suo 💘:
Correction: inner jacket pocket.
Near my heart.
Anzai 🧁:
Do we get to do this every week?
Kotoha 🎓:
Absolutely not.
Y’all need supervised visitation rights with this man.
Takiishi 👔:
I’m banning this booth
I’m banning this school
I’m banning LIP GLOSS
Sakura 💋:
i just wanted to help charity :(
Endo (Deranged™):
you helped me realize i have no emotional stability
thank you
kiss me again?
[ GC renamed: “Smooches, Simps, and Sakura” 💄 ]
[ Group Chat: Gender is a Lie and So Is My Sanity ]
Kotoha 🎓:
Emergency.
Our lead actress broke her ankle.
We need someone ASAP.
Dress size: M. Height: 5'11.
…Sakura, do you wanna crossdress for justice?
Sakura 🌸:
i mean sure. if the costume fits.
also i used to help my sister with cosplay. it’s not a big deal lol
Choji 📸:
wait
WAIT
YOU’RE ACTUALLY GOING TO DO IT??
Ren 🧂:
…I didn’t know I had a crossdressing kink until this moment.
Thanks, I hate myself.
Kotoha 🎓:
Update: he tried the dress on
Update: it fits
Update: we are all in hell
[ Attached Image: Sakura in a pale blue off-shoulder dress. Light makeup. A ribbon in his hair. Soft blush. He’s SMILING. ]
Suo 💘:
i just broke my chair
i just broke my brain
i just BROKE
Umemiya 🏍️:
🧎♂️ PRINCESS.
MY PRINCESS.
MY SWEET MAIDEN OF BATTLE
Kiryu (Visibly Shaking):
he twirled in the mirror
he said “do i look okay?”
i said “yes” but what i meant was “marry me”
Anzai 🧁:
do i bow
do i kneel
do i write a poem
do i scream
Endo (Deranged™):
I HAVE BEEN LOYAL
I HAVE BEEN GOOD
BUT THIS
THIS
IS A TEST FROM THE GODS
Takiishi 👔:
NOPE
NO
NO
NO
NOOOOOOOOOO
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS
Togame 🎮:
IT’S COTTON CANDY HELL
IT’S SWEET AND FRILLY AND I’M LOSING MY MIND
Nirei 📖:
i thought he couldn’t get prettier
i was wrong
i was weak
i was unprepared
Suo 💘:
he said his heels were “a little slippery”
so I offered my hand
he took it
AND SMILED
Umemiya 🏍️:
he called me “sir” as part of rehearsal
i had a nosebleed and passed out
they had to pause the scene
Takiishi 👔:
YOU GUYS
STOP DROOLING
STOP SPIRALING
STOP TOUCHING HIM
Kiryu (Dead Inside):
i just wanted a normal school life
now i want to protect a boy in a skirt from the entire world
Choji 📸:
he did the “tuck hair behind ear” thing
the entire backstage crew gasped
Ren 🧂:
the kid from class 1B flirted with him
SAKURA BLUSHED
I HAVE NEVER KNOWN TRUE RAGE UNTIL THIS MOMENT
Takiishi 👔:
WHERE
IS
MY
BAT
Endo (Deranged™):
Sakura’s voice went soft and breathy when he delivered his line
"Please… don't leave me alone tonight."
I screamed. Out loud. In public.
Umemiya 🏍️:
i said he looked like a princess
he patted my cheek
i died
Suo 💘:
he brushed glitter off my jacket
said “you’ve got sparkles”
i now believe in god
Anzai 🧁:
i gave him a flower crown
he wore it
i cried
Togame 🎮:
SOMEONE CALLED HIM “CUTE LADY”
AND HE GIGGLED
GIGGLED
I PUNCHED A WALL
Kotoha 🎓:
you’re all banned from backstage
he just needs to act
not get proposed to every 10 minutes
Sakura 🌸:
i mean it’s kinda fun
everyone keeps offering me snacks and opening doors
is this what being a girl is like?
Ren 🧂:
yes
except worse
and also you’re not helping our sanity at ALL
Takiishi 👔:
HE SMILED AT ME WITH GLOSSY LIPS AND SPARKLY EYESHADOW
I NEED TO GO SIT IN A CHURCH
Endo (Deranged™):
I’M GOING TO WRITE A POEM
I’M GOING TO WRITE A BALLAD
I’M GOING TO WRITE FANFIC
SAKURA IN A DRESS IS A CORE MEMORY
Kiryu (Emotionally Unwell):
I changed my lockscreen again.
It’s him mid-spin. Hair flying. Dress swaying.
I’m not okay.
[ Bonus Scene: Audience Chaos ]
Togame 🎮:
He did his scene with candlelight and music.
Half the audience swooned.
Someone tried to throw a rose. It hit Endo in the face.
Endo (Deranged™):
WORTH IT
Suo 💘:
He curtsied at the end
And whispered
“Thank you for watching.”
Takiishi 👔:
This is a hate crime. Against me. Personally.
Sakura 🌸:
can i keep the dress
[ GC renamed: “Sakura in a Dress: We All Lost” 👗💀 ]
🎬 BONUS SCENES: Aftermath of Princess Sakura’s Stage Debut
[ GC: Sakura in a Dress: We All Lost 👗💀 ]
Choji 📸:
i posted a backstage photo
sakura in costume, peace sign, flower crown
it hit 10k likes in 2 hours
the fan comments are…
unholy
Ren 🧂:
Quote RTs include:
"girldad mode unlocked"
"gender is fake and this proves it"
"who is she and can she choke me gently"
Anzai 🧁:
someone made fancams
WITH SLOW-MO SPINS
and soft kpop bgm
and sakura saying “don’t leave me alone tonight” in echo reverb
Takiishi 👔:
I just saw a tiktok titled:
“this twink could end me and I’d say thank you”
Suo 💘:
correct
Umemiya 🏍️:
i saw it too. i liked. i commented.
“same.”
in all caps.
Kiryu (Having a Breakdown):
MY MOM SAW THE POST
SHE ASKED IF SAKURA WAS MY GIRLFRIEND
I SAID YES
I PANICKED
I SAID YES
Sakura 🌸:
huh
okay
Kiryu (Typing… Stopping… Typing again):
wait
WAIT
SAKURA
ARE YOU OKAY WITH THAT???
Sakura 🌸:
idk
you called me pretty and gave me mochi
that’s kind of boyfriend behavior
Kiryu:
[has left the chat]
[has rejoined the chat]
[has burst into flames]
Endo (Deranged™):
Sakura wore the costume home
he said “i didn’t want it to wrinkle in the bag”
WRINKLE MY HEART INSTEAD, WHY DON’T YOU
Umemiya 🏍️:
i tried to lie in his lap again
he patted my head and said
“you have nice hair. reminds me of my class president.”
i passed out
again
Togame 🎮:
THE CLASS PRESIDENT???
WE’RE BACK TO THAT LINE???
Ren 🧂:
That line is a landmine
That line is trauma
That line is sexy
Takiishi 👔:
stop romanticizing this madness
also i found the audience member who tried to throw their phone number onstage
they’re in the hospital now
…unrelated
Kotoha 🎓:
you pushed them down the stairs
Takiishi 👔:
they were reaching for Sakura
i tripped on justice
Suo 💘:
justice wears a size M dress and knee-high socks
Nirei 📖:
someone edited Sakura’s photos into a shoujo manga panel
with sparkles, panel borders, and the quote:
“he smiled at me like I was his whole world”
i cried at 2am
Anzai 🧁:
the video of him twirling has 500k views
the top comment is “i barked so loud my cat ran away”
Takiishi 👔:
there are now fancams
there is art
someone drew sakura as a magical girl
Sakura 🌸:
i saw that one
i liked it
the transformation sequence was cool
Endo (Still Deranged™):
I AM STARTING A SHRINE
THERE WILL BE CANDLES
AND LIP GLOSS
AND A FRAMED STILL OF HIM IN THAT DRESS
Kiryu (Praying for Sanity):
I updated my phone background again
It’s just his silhouette behind stage curtains now
Why does he glow like that
Why does he ruin me like this
[ Later That Night – Private Chat: Takiishi 👔 ➤ Sakura 🌸 ]
Takiishi 👔:
Are you okay with all this?
The simps. The attention. The… cult-level obsession?
Sakura 🌸:
lol
it’s funny
Takiishi 👔:
You know they’re gonna propose to you again next week, right?
Sakura 🌸:
guess i better prepare a speech
“i’d like to thank my skirt, my sparkles, and my emotional damage”
Takiishi 👔:
you’re too calm about this
Sakura 🌸:
i’ve accepted that my life is chaos
might as well wear something cute while surviving it 💅
[ GC Name Changed: “Sakura Is Pretty and I’m Going to Cry About It” ]
Group icon updated: Sakura mid-curtsy, sparkles edited in, dramatic lighting.
Chapter 20: Pajamas, Leggings, and Hair Clips: Sakura’s Soft Looks Kill the GC
Summary:
Sakura Haruka has always been effortlessly dangerous—but now he’s doing yoga in leggings, wearing pastel hair clips, and showing up to a class sleepover in shorts so short they should be illegal. The group chat doesn’t survive. Umemiya dies twice. Takiishi commits attempted murder via slipper. Endo malfunctions. Suo tries to cuddle. And all Ren wanted was a peaceful weekend.
Chapter Text
[Group Chat: THE SAKURA CULT™]
Ren:
Reminder: Bring your sleeping bags, toiletries, and appropriate sleepwear.
Kotoha:
No fanfiction-worthy nonsense, please. This is a wholesome class bonding activity.
Endo:
Define “appropriate” 😇
Suo:
If Sakura breathes near me in a dark room, I cannot be held responsible.
Takiishi:
Blocked.
[10:44 p.m.]
📸 Photo from Anzai: Sakura at the sleepover—wearing an oversized t-shirt, thigh-baring shorts, and fuzzy socks. Holding a bag of honey butter chips.
Anzai:
I’ve seen the light.
It’s shaped like his thighs.
Umemiya:
Goes silent for five minutes
I’m…
He’s…
That’s SKIN.
ON.
LEG.
REAL LEG.
Suo:
I'm sitting next to him.
His thigh brushed mine.
I can’t feel my legs anymore.
Or my soul.
Kiryu:
Uploading this to my 4K shrine folder.
Takiishi:
Do not finish that sentence.
Endo:
Sakura, would you like to rest your head on my chest?
I provide 97% more comfort than standard pillows.
Sakura:
That’s okay, I brought my Pikachu plush.
But thanks.
Endo:
That plush is now my mortal enemy.
Umemiya:
Hey Sakura, want to share a blanket? Mine’s warm!
Sakura:
Sure. You’re shivering.
Umemiya:
explodes into blood particles like a shoujo anime character death scene
He said sure.
He cares.
I’m going to cry.
Choji:
Posts edited video of Umemiya fainting in slow-mo with sad violin music
Anzai:
Anyway. I brought popcorn. Who wants a movie?
Suo:
What genre? Romance?
Preferably with cuddling?
Sakura:
Horror.
Kiryu:
I VOLUNTEER TO HOLD HIS HAND.
Endo:
I’LL BE THE HUMAN SHIELD.
Umemiya:
Sakura, if you get scared, feel free to climb into my—
Takiishi:
enters with a slipper and rage
NOPE. YOU’RE ALL GOING IN THE OTHER ROOM.
REN. KOTOHA. BACK ME UP.
Ren:
We just wanted peaceful pillow fights and maybe scary stories.
Now we’re staging a simp quarantine.
Kotoha:
We’re separating the GC like a quarantine zone.
Sakura, you’re with the sane people.
Sakura:
…I was just gonna nap after snacks.
[10:55 p.m.]
📸 Photo from Anzai: Umemiya passed out next to a half-shared blanket. Suo clutching a corner of it. Endo crying silently. Sakura peacefully asleep.
Caption: The battlefield of love is cruel.
Takiishi:
You all lost your minds over shorts.
What are you going to do if he wears leggings?
Everyone:
👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀
Takiishi:
I should have shut up.
[2:13 AM – GC: THE SAKURA CULT™]
Suo:
He just shifted in his sleep.
His thigh touched mine.
It was warm.
Soft.
I heard God whisper, "You're welcome."
Endo:
He fell asleep on my arm.
His breath hit my neck.
My soul left my body via arousal and devotion.
Umemiya:
When he climbed onto the bed, the hem of his shirt rose.
I saw skin.
SKIN.
HIPBONE.
📸 Anzai:
A blurry image. Sakura curled up, sleeping, shirt riding up, pale thighs exposed.
Caption: “I’ve never hated the rules of decency more in my life.”
Kiryu:
I tried to whisper "good night" to him.
He sleep-mumbled “You too…”
My heart did a backflip.
I almost moaned.
Takiishi (from the hallway):
I hear moaning.
If I walk in and see one of you sniffing his socks again, I swear to god—
Sakura (half-awake):
Hmm? Is someone cold? You can come closer.
Everyone:
OH MY GOD
I WILL
TAKE ME
HOLD ME
Suo:
Can I ask the forbidden question?
Anzai:
Do it.
Suo:
Is Sakura wearing underwear under those shorts or just vibes?
Takiishi:
I’M LIGHTING THE BED ON FIRE.
[Group Chat: THE SAKURA CULT™]
Ren:
Morning club starts in 10. Stretch and hydrate.
Kotoha:
Reminder again: behave.
It’s yoga. Not strip club spiritual awakening hour.
Suo:
You say that but my soul is already outside my body.
[6:45 a.m.]
📸 Photo from Anzai: Sakura in full-body mirror selfie. Wearing tight gray leggings and a slim-fitting black tee. Holding a yoga mat. Caption: “Ready for yoga 😊”
Anzai:
I am not okay.
Kiryu:
...Those are leggings.
Suo:
Is this what resurrection feels like?
Endo:
His legs are longer than my will to live.
Umemiya:
He has an arch in his back like a divine bridge.
This is religious.
I need to kneel.
Takiishi:
logs in, sees photo, logs out immediately
Choji:
New wallpaper unlocked.
Nirei:
Why does this feel illegal to witness at 7 a.m.
Anzai:
Zooming in... yep.
Sakura is singlehandedly ending my career.
[6:55 a.m.]
Live Play-by-Play by Anzai:
-
Sakura just did a downward dog.
-
Suo dropped his water bottle.
-
Endo started bleeding from the nose.
-
Umemiya tried to plank and passed out.
-
Kiryu fell off his mat screaming “MY EYES HAVE BEEN BLESSED.”
Ren:
STOP SENDING PHOTOS.
THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A FITNESS CLUB.
Kotoha:
Endo’s passed out. Suo is crying.
This is not Zen.
Suo (voice note):
Slight sobbing, then whispering:
I’ve seen heaven.
And it wears Lululemon.
Umemiya:
His thighs in those leggings...
His thighs...
I want to die under them.
Kiryu:
Back of the line.
Endo:
There’s a line?
Put me in front. I’ll pay.
Takiishi (finally returns):
If one more of you zooms in on his ass during child’s pose,
I will delete this chat permanently.
Sakura (innocent):
You guys okay?
I like yoga! It’s relaxing.
Suo:
It’s not relaxing for us.
Endo:
Nothing about this morning was calm.
Kotoha:
We need divine intervention.
Ren:
We need him to wear a hoodie next time.
Takiishi:
We need a barrier between that ass and our sanity.
Anzai:
But have you seen that ass?
📸 Final shot from Anzai: Sakura stretching with a perfect split.
Caption:
This should be a war crime.
[7:22 AM – GC: THE SAKURA CULT™]
Endo:
He bent over.
I saw the outline.
THE. OUTLINE.
Suo:
I paused mid-pose because my brain said
“That's a whole ass.”
Like, literally.
It’s art.
I was aroused and spiritually reborn.
Kiryu:
I knelt to fix my mat.
He turned.
His crotch was eye-level.
I ascended.
Umemiya:
His pants are dangerous.
They’re murderous.
I saw his thighs flex.
My nose started bleeding from both nostrils.
Anzai:
You guys. I swear to god.
I saw the outline.
Like… the entire print.
It twitched.
Ren:
He asked if we were okay mid-stretch.
He was sweating.
His chest was rising.
He looked like a fantasy doujinshi.
Sakura (innocently):
This outfit's comfy. I might wear it more.
Takiishi:
No.
You wear a sack.
Made of bricks.
Forever.
[Group Chat: THE SAKURA CULT™]
Kotoha:
FYI: Sakura’s hair kept falling into his eyes during dodgeball.
So I gave him some clips.
It’s fine.
Don’t freak out.
Anzai:
What kind of clips.
Kotoha:
Pastel.
Pink and lavender.
Kiryu:
🚨 EMERGENCY 🚨
THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
📸 Photo from Anzai: Sakura on the field, sunshine hitting his cheeks, strands of hair clipped up neatly with soft-colored hair clips. His expression is neutral. Eyes sparkly.
Caption:
We’re doomed.
Suo:
I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO BE A HAIR CLIP SO BAD IN MY LIFE.
Endo:
He looks like a shoujo manga protagonist.
Umemiya:
I can feel my soul leaving my body.
Choji:
I just gasped so hard my mom came into the room.
Nirei:
He looks so soft…
Like he’d bake you cookies and then ruin your whole emotional stability.
Anzai:
This is why kingdoms fall.
Kiryu:
He tucked his bangs back and smiled.
Suo:
I need that image framed and burned into my soul.
I am crying. This is beauty. This is grace.
Endo:
He walked past me and I didn’t blink for 42 seconds.
I think I stopped breathing.
Umemiya:
I got hit by the dodgeball and didn’t even notice.
I was too busy looking at the clips catching sunlight in his hair.
Takiishi:
YOU GAVE HIM WHAT.
Kotoha:
He looked cute. Sue me.
Takiishi:
I will sue you. I will sue you in hell.
Ren:
Everyone, please calm down. It’s just hair clips.
Anzai:
NO.
It’s pastel flower-shaped softboy-inducing emotional warfare.
📸 New image from Anzai:
Sakura tying his shoelace, head tilted, clips in view, light blush from running in the sun.
Caption:
He is the main character.
We are extras.
Kiryu:
He looked at me once.
My knees gave out.
Endo:
The blush…
The clips…
The aura…
Suo:
I’m writing my will. Cause of death: pretty boy in hair clips.
Umemiya:
I offered him water and he said, “Thank you!”
I cried on the spot.
Takiishi:
WHERE ARE THE CLIPS.
I’M CONFISCATING THEM.
RIGHT NOW.
Kotoha:
They fell off when he changed after PE.
Takiishi:
Good.
Kotoha:
He put them in his pencil pouch and said, “They’re cute.”
Takiishi:
I’m throwing myself into a river.
📸 Final image from Anzai: The hair clips, now resting in Sakura’s palm. He’s smiling slightly. Caption: “I think they suit me?”
Ren:
That’s it.
Society has fallen.
We are dust in the wind.
Suo:
He looked like he’d pat your head and say, “You did well.”
While ruining your sense of reality.
Umemiya:
I’m framing that picture.
And also getting the same clips.
Maybe if I wear them, Sakura will pat my head too.
Takiishi:
I’m eating the clips.
Kiryu:
NOT IF I EAT THEM FIRST.
[3:32 PM – GC: THE SAKURA CULT™]
Umemiya:
He was running.
The clips bounced.
His bangs fluttered.
He looked like a hentai protagonist.
Endo:
I need someone to physically restrain me.
He called me "cute" because I tripped.
I almost came in my gym shorts.
Anzai:
He wiped sweat from his neck.
Hair stuck to his cheek.
He said, “Hot, right?”
I died.
I’m texting this from Hell.
Suo:
He looked me in the eyes while stretching his arms.
His shirt rose up.
I saw belly.
I saw eternity.
Kiryu:
I sniffed the clip.
Don’t judge me.
I wasn’t ready for the floral scent mixed with hair.
Sakura:
Someone left a letter in my locker that just said:
"Please spit in my mouth."
Whoever it is… I'm concerned.
Takiishi:
It was Anzai.
He hand-embossed the note.
I’m reporting him to the UN.