Chapter Text
She sat at her kitchen table. She stared out the window. The colored panes washed the grubby buildings across from her into a dull rainbow. A dull rainbow.
Crawford was dead. Justice felt as though it had never been alive. She sat in her peach colored robe with the tiny carousel animals dotting it.
Underneath, a set of navy and orange polkadot pajamas.
Underneath, her small body seemingly growing smaller in the shadow of the dark place she was letting overtake her.
No one knew how much dark covered her heart everyday. But now, it's pushing. Pushing over the like a caste. Making a mold for next time.
It had been a week. She made excuses about working from home.
Kaya called and texted. Sometimes she answered and mumbled odd noises to confirm she "heard" what her friend was saying.
Sometimes she texted back and used emojis and exclamation points to ward off worry.
Next week, she planned to "get COVID" so she could stay home and quarantine for as long as she needed.
She didn't work. She mostly just sat and stared. Out at the dull rainbow. At the closed curtains across from her bed. Sometimes at the tv, laying on the couch. And she cried. In the shower, on the floor. She let everything in the fridge go bad. She ordered Chinese and didn't take out the trash. She let the dark cover. Cover and caste and mold. She let herself be taken over.
On Monday, she called in.
"Oh yeah, I'm fine! Just the ole COVID. You know I never got it when it was big. Guess it was waiting for me. Hah!" She feigned.
Ha. She thought to herself.
The Captain hung up, telling her he or Claudia would be happy to drop stuff off. She told them she recently got into DoorDash and didn't want her new addiction to be thwarted. He laughed. But she could hear the worry behind the laugh. The skepticism. The disappointment.
Always a disappointment. She thought. Her mother's voice echoing. Her own voice echoing.
On Tuesday her phone died and she gave up. She didn't charge it.
She stooped eating. She lay in her robe in bed and did nothing. Gonzo scratched at the front door a while to be let out, and finally gave up and curled into bed next to her.
She hoped the dog would go somewhere in the house. She thought of just letting her out and shutting the door. Or giving her away. Or asking a neighbor to watch her.
At that thought, she rose and walked gonzo outside. Gonzo eagerly peed and pooped. Elsbeth then walked in the apartment and grabbed up gonzo's things and led her to her neighbors door.
"Hi! Thanks for answering. I'm not feeling very well and I'm kinda new to New York. I was wondering... can you watch my dog for a couple of days? She's really a good girl."
The older woman across the hall smiled and nodded.
"Oh I would love to! My dog passed away a year ago now. I miss having one around."
“Thank you! Thanks, Melanie. Here is her stuff. Instructions on the inside of the food bin. Thank you."
"No problem, Elsbeth. Do you need anything?"
“Oh, no. No thank you!" She said, turning away and walking back into her apartment. 8:30pm. All the lights were off. She felt her way back to the bedroom. On the way, she grabbed an apple from the kitchen.
Clambering onto the bed, she dropped it. It rolled underneath and hovered in a stream of light coming from the window. She felt grief and then anger swell up over her former dejection. The apple became a representation of everything else that felt dropped and out of reach…hidden and red.
“Aghh!" She yelled, frustrated and angry. She slammed herself down onto the floor to look under the bed for it. She saw it sitting there, unmoving and unflinching, and felt mocked by it. She reached out, trying to grab the rosie red, but it was out of reach. She scrambled, shouted, tried a few more angles.
But in the end she lay there. Cheek on the floor, tears rolling down her face, eye squished and looking at the apple.
Eventually, she fell asleep.
On Thursday, Kaya couldn't help herself anymore.
She was nervous.
She was scared. And she was angry with herself that she had been so focused on being Detective and getting the transfer that she didn't check on Elsbeth more. Once her phone started going to voicemail and her messages went unread, she was worried. She let it go at first, but after two days, she felt sick. Panicked. Worried.
So she knocked on the door. No answer came. She heard a dog bark across the hall. It sounded like Gonzo, which she thought was strange and which worried her even more. She knocked again, calling for her friend.
"Els? It's me! It's Kaya!"
No answer. She fished around her pocket for her spare key and announced she was entering.
The apartment was dark. Curtains pulled. There was a faint smell of unclean dishes and trash not being taken out.
"Elsbeth?" Her heart rate spiked.
What if something happened.
What if she was too late.
She walked through the house, occasionally calling out for her friend.
“Els?" She said turning the corner to the bedroom. "Where's Gonzo?"
"Elsbeth? I'm coming in, okay?"
She said, pushing open the bedroom door.
The redhead was still on the floor.
Picking at the hardwood. Looking at the softening apple, unmoving.
“Elsbeth!" Kaya shouted, racing to her side. She wasn't sure if Elsbeth was dead or alive, her body slumped on the floor, she assumed the worst. Partly because she could never imagine her usually radiant friend in this mental state.
She rolled the redhead over, and was met with stunned, blinking eyes. Elsbeth's eyebrows furrowed, her mouth frowned in confusion.
“Elsbeth!" Kaya said, matching her facial expression. "What are you doing? What's going on?" She shook her shoulders gently.
Elsbeth did nothing. Kaya's face softened and her shoulders dropped. She was scared. She was confused. She was frustrated.
“Els?" She said again, this time rubbing her arms. Eventually, running a hand through the red hair she loved so much. "Where's Gonzo?" She said after a while, worried for the little pup.
Elsbeth shifted her gaze vaguely in the direction of the front door and neighboring apartment but still said nothing. She felt shame rise in her chest about neglecting the pup and shut her eyes. A few tears slipped out underneath her lids.
"Hey, hey, it's okay." Kaya cooed, brushing the tears from her face and cupping her cheek. "What's going on, baby?" Kaya asked again, too focused on Elsbeth's state to stop herself from using the pet name. The tears kept coming until Elsbeth was sobbing and covering her face with her own hands.
After a while, she stilled. Staring again at the apple.
She pointed vaguely at it with a finger. "I was trying to get that apple." She said finally. Kaya frowned in confusion and peeked under the bed and smiled a little and the funny comment.
“Oh. Here," she said, laying next to Elsbeth and reaching for the fruit, grabbing it with the tips of her fingers and rolling it into her hand.
“Got it! But, I think maybe it's gone bad l..." she held it in her hand, laying next to Elsbeth.
"Els, how long have you been here like this?" Elsbeth looked away.
"You look cute in your robe." Kaya said. Elsbeth smiled a little at this, almost imperceptibly.
"Thanks." She whispered. "She's with Melanie." She answered.
"Huh? Oh, Gonzo? Who's Melanie?" Kaya frowned again, oddly a little jealous and still very concerned for both her girls.
"Across the hall." Elsbeth replied, looking at the ceiling.
"Oh." Kaya replied. Looking at her friend and then letting her gaze fall on the ceiling with a sigh. She moved her apple-free hand to wrap around her friend’s.
"I've got you." She squeezed.
Elsbeth silently wept at the admission.
"I've got you." She squeezed again.
"I'm never gonna let you go.”