digital stars

by bubblemoth

Summary:

This is a fanfiction based on The Amazing Digital Circus

Chapter 1: A Connection

At first it was vibrant and fun, but after a while, the circus lost its color. The cellar opened and closed once more, gaining a new element, and a funeral took place.
The frog and the rabbit had a deep connection of pranks, jokes, and happiness. Though, this would pass and leave the rabbit in a deeply frustrating situation.

 

 Though there was no need to sleep in the digital world they found themselves in, often times the characters still enjoyed rest. It was familiar and comforting and reminded them that even if they were trapped in a fake world where human needs somehow precede them, they are still human.
 Jax awoke from a nap he decided to take after the adventure that day. One of particular bother, it being “The Secrets of the Centipede's Cipher”, where the characters must go around with a partner and work together to find hidden ciphers and decode them in order to escape a room which was designed by “The Centipede”. Jax hadn’t been used to many cooperative situations like partnership or friendship even before the incident, which he supposes is why he had taken it especially difficult. That isn’t to say he never had friends, it was just harder for him to meet the “right people”.
Unusually, the emotions he felt after the adventure were extremely positive. He seemed to have made a truly incredible connection with someone that day and couldn’t stop thinking about it. Once he got out of bed, he made his way to the door as he thought about what to fill his time with for the rest of the day. Days in the circus were usually bland to say the least, sure there were adventures to keep themselves entertained but that doesn’t mean they brought joy.
 As the door shut behind him, he heard a medium pitched voice yell, “Jax!” from their own bedroom door. It was his new friend, Ribbit, waving a hand in the air as he smiled. Jax waved back and turned as his frog friend followed him down the hall to the main area of the tent.
 Ribbit held his hands behind his back, leaning forward while he looked at Jax. “Soo, you took a nap, then?” He asked, alluding to earlier that day when Jax mentioned he was going to "take the fattest nap ever after this adventure”. “Ha. Yeah, I did. What’d you do when we got back?” Jax asked, then tipped his head slightly to the floor as the two continued walking. “Hmmm, nothing much. I guess I could’ve taken a nap as well, but I just chilled out instead. That adventure was kinda crazy, right?” Ribbit smiled. “Heh, they all are.” Jax scoffed, “Caine’s crazy.” “Yeah, that’s true.”
 They continued making their way through the hallway, until Jax stopped. “What’re you up to for the rest of today?” He inquired. “Hmm I don’t know… but...” Ribbit took a pause, cringing before he finished, “I know whatever it is, I want you to be part of it.” “Oh BROTHER…” Jax blushed, holding in a laugh as he smiled. They looked into one another’s eyes blankly, and momentarily they both glanced away, flustered. Jax cleared his throat, looking back in front of himself, and Ribbit quickly looked back at him once more before also looking forward and saying, “Um… wanna go hang outside the tent? It’s gonna be dark soon so we could go lay under the stars… o-or whatever. That’s lame, nevermind.” Ribbit shook his head and sighed. “I don’t think it’s lame,” Jax responded suddenly. “I’d… I’d love to do that…” They looked at one another again and smiled, making their way out of the circus tent.
 Jax and Ribbit sit on the grass and take a moment to relax. They sit in silence for a moment, enjoying their dim but vibrant surroundings, and each other’s company. “The stars are actually really beautiful… even if they aren’t real.” Ribbit began, “Hey, Jax…” “Yeah?” “This may seem like a strange question, but… are you real?” There was a moment of silent, comfortable eye contact before Jax exhaled a quick, breathy laugh and replied; “I’m real, Ribbit.” He smiled.
 There, sitting beside each other with their locked eyes which shone under the sparkling stars, they felt relaxed, and weightless. The glimmers from one another’s eyes seemed to pulse and glow brighter and brighter, until they each slowly fluttered closed, pulling towards the other’s pair. As their faces closed in, they sunk into a long, sweet kiss. A shooting star flew across the dark blue, star-spotted sky, just in Jax’s view as he opened his eyes. He didn’t generally believe in superstitions, or wishes, or luck, but as that beautiful star went by in this magical moment, he thought, maybe they can mean something. So he made a wish. I hope I can find more connections like this. I don’t like feeling alone…
 They pulled away from each other, flustered and speechless. Jax, immediately processing what had just happened, quickly turned away from Ribbit. Ribbit, on the other hand, appeared unfazed entirely. This clearly wasn’t a new experience for him. “Hey, uh… you know, if you want we can pretend this didn’t happen… um-” Ribbit began, seeing Jax’s seemingly overwhelmed and confused look, before Jax turned to look back at him. “N-no, no, I, uh…ugh. I-I’m sorry. I… I have to go actually.” Without another word from either of them, Jax quickly stood up and began walking away, Ribbit’s concerned eyes following him for a moment before he looked down at the grass beneath him.

Chapter 2: A Goodnight

     The next morning, Caine gathered everyone to the stage to announce the day’s adventure. Jax and Ribbit stood at a distance, still awkward and confused about the night before. 

     “Alllrrrrighty, everyone! Today’s adventure will be… ‘ Caine’s Corn Field of Crazy Crafts'" Caine announced extravagantly to the group.

       Jeez, the guy loves his alliteration I guess. 

     "It looks like the suggestion box had one paper in it that said something about having 'chill arts and crafts time', so.... crafts! But since I am in charge and enjoy mischief and horror, there will be a twist! Today, everyone will gather in a corn field and perform various art related tasks that require partner work.”

     Ugh, and what's with all the teamwork and escape room adventures lately??

     “But here’s the twist, you must perform these tasks under a time limit in order to claim the key that opens the door to exit the adventure! If you fail to do so before time runs out, you’ll get corn cobs thrown at you by yours truly!” He quietly giggled in a less than comforting way. “I’m just joking. Or am I?...... Anyway, good luck!” With that, Caine opened the portal to the adventure. 

     Jax glanced back over to where Ribbit was standing, but quickly looked back away, with a cringe on his face. Jax began to walk towards the portal, slower than usual. He was unbelievably uncomfortable. He didn’t know what to do, everything would be so awkward now. This is what he was worried about. He had just made a real friend and he kissed him. 

     What a fucking idiot.

     He walked through behind everyone else, looking at the ground. The portal closed behind him, and he found himself sorrowfully slouching in a corn field with people he couldn’t care less about, and someone who actually made him feel things. And instead of talking with him, he’s scared and shutting him out. 

     As everyone began partnering up, Jax came to the realization that truly nobody even batted an eye towards him. Nobody even considered it. Or at least that’s what he felt. Of course, Ragatha would always offer, but why would she now? Maybe for some reason now she’s realized he’s not worth the effort even though she’s hated him this whole time. But he was overthinking.

     As he stood still, looking down, Ribbit was staring over at him. He noticed he looked different. He didn’t have an annoyed look on his face like he would usually in adventures. He didn’t look like he’d rather be somewhere other than the adventure, and he didn’t look uncomfortable anymore, not exactly. He looked emotionless, he was out of it. Ribbit could tell he was in his own head and thinking too much. He had the same look in his eyes after their kiss. 

     He didn’t know what to do to get him to talk about it. He didn’t want to pressure him or bother him but he didn’t get a chance to make sure he was okay before they were sent here. He was worried about him last night when he ran off and was honestly relieved that morning to see him. Running off and being awkward and scared wasn’t like him, so Ribbit began to think he might have been in his head way too much after that to not have abstracted.

     “Hey… I, um…” Ribbit paused. “I know you probably don’t feel like talking to me, or being around me right now, and I- I totally understand. And you probably don’t think we can be friends anymore and that’s really um, that’s o- okay. But, uh- I was wondering if… we could talk at some point? I- I’m just honestly… I’m a little worried about you, and I- I…” He spoke quickly, stuttering and barely taking a breath. 

     Jax jerked his head back at him, almost as if he was snapped out of something as soon as Ribbit said he was worried about him. It must have been so irregular for someone to go out of their way and make it obvious they truly cared for his well-being that he gasped when he looked over. 

     “I-it’s okay. Um…” He sighed and looked away, taking a long blink. He didn’t finish his sentence, he looked so different. His eyes looked glossy, like he was about to cry. He looked so… genuine. He’d never seen him this way before. Not until their kiss. Jax never showed anyone his real feelings and emotions, and looking back Ribbit realized how hard he must have been trying to make it that way. But as soon as that kiss happened… it was like he’d never had to overthink something so much in his life, so he just completely drained his ability to mask. He must not have bothered to sleep last night. 

     “Look… I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable. We don’t have to talk if that’s what you want. But let’s just get through this adventure? As partners?” Ribbit proposed, attempting to change the subject. “You know, I don’t think I’ve mentioned this but I’m actually an artist. I mean, not professionally or anything but I love to draw. This could be fun.” 

      There was a short pause before Jax seemingly, mostly , snapped out of it and responded, “Yeah, why not. Let’s do it.” The pair proceeded to engage in the adventure, with little conversation. They both seemed uncomfortable and just wanted to get it over with.

 

     When they returned from the adventure, Ribbit and Jax walked together for a moment before one of them spoke. “Hey, do you wanna check out my room?” Ribbit inquired. “Yeah, alright.” The two of them made their way to Ribbit’s room in silence.

     Ribbit gestured for Jax to enter first, and he did. Jax looked around the room, seeing walls covered in artwork, art supplies and paper all over the furniture. “This is pretty dope,” Jax began. “Uh, what’s with all the fake plants, though?” He asked as he noticed an assortment of plastic potted plants placed all around the room. 

     “Oh! Well, in the real world, I worked in a greenhouse. I’ve always loved plants, and nature. So I suppose I sort of miss being around all the greenery, y’know? I just like having little reminders all around, even if they’re fake.” Ribbit’s smile began to fade, talking about his real life. “Do you ever worry… we won’t make it out of here?...” He let out a breathy, dry laugh.

     Jax looked over with a concerned face for a moment. “Yeah… I guess I do.” He’d avoided talking about his own feelings all day, but he actually began to worry about Ribbit himself. This wasn’t really like him. 

     “Hey… I know I said I didn’t want to talk about what happened… but, I- I feel like maybe you need someone to talk to?” He immediately cringed after saying that. He really did start to change, having a real, true friendship. He truly cared for his friend, and tried to bring out a part of himself that wasn’t typical, because he became worried. It was scaring him.

     Ribbit sighed as he sat down on his bed, looking over at Jax. “I guess. I don’t know. I try not to bother people with my problems, especially since everyone else here is troubled with the same thing. I just want to go home…” His eyes began to water, and he looked down.

     The room went quiet and became still for a second before Jax slowly walked over to Ribbit. He paused again, he didn’t know what to do. He was so unfamiliar with everything feelings-related, he had no idea how to help. He didn’t know what to say.

     He took the last few steps towards Ribbit’s bed, and sat beside him. When he looked over, he noticed tears were falling from Ribbit’s eyes. Jax’s eyebrows furrowed in concern and sadness. Without another second, he wrapped his arms around him, and rested his chin on Ribbit’s head. 

     “...I know,” He spoke quietly. “I know.”

     After a moment, Ribbit embraced him back and held Jax’s arms in his own, calming down. “Thank you…” He sniffled. “You’re a good friend, you know. I’m glad I got to spend time with you.” 

     They pulled out of the embrace, looking at each other. “Really?” Jax said. “I’m kind of an asshole, you know. I’m surprised you like me at all.” He laughed. “Of course I like you! You might be an asshole, but you still have a heart. You actually care about people even though you don’t show it much… you care about… me.” Ribbit assured him. “I guess I just… I’m really grateful I’m not totally alone here, you know?” He smiled. “Yeah… I am too.” Jax began. “Look, I’m… SO bad at emotions. This is really awkward for me.” He sighed.

     I do care about you. So much.

     But he couldn’t say it. He had a feeling he might regret it because for once in his life he actually felt something for someone, but he just couldn’t say anything. He was so unfamiliar with being open and trusting about feelings.

 

     The two of them looked at each other for a second. “Well, I should get going…” Jax said, standing up. “Yeah…” Ribbit frowned. As he made his way to the door, he turned back and said, “Well, I guess I’ll see ya tomorrow, man. Night Ribbit.” Ribbit smiled at Jax and replied, “Yeah, see you.” Jax turned around, walking out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

     When Jax began walking away from the door, he heard a click which he thought was strange at the moment, but decided to brush it off. It sounded like the door locked, which wasn’t that strange he supposed. Maybe Ribbit just felt safer with a secure door. Yeah…

Notes:

sorry chat the next ones gonna be bad

Chapter 3: A Change

 

Something immediately felt off this morning. He didn’t know what it was but he sensed it as soon as he woke up. He heard mumbles coming from outside his room and down the hall, from various voices. It sounded like everyone else in the circus was speaking at once. He couldn’t tell the tone of the conversation since he was only half awake, so he decided to  check it out. He walked to his door and exited his room

Walking down the hall to the main part of the tent, he rubbed his eyes as the mumbles became more coherent. “Yeah, I think so too…” “I’m a little worried…” “Do you think he’s alright?” As he approached the group, they all stopped speaking at once.

“Oh, Jax! Good morning,” Ragatha said, smiling with slight sadness. “Um, we were just talking about… Ribbit? I- I don’t mean to bother you with this but would you have any ideas why his door is locked, and he’s not responding to us? I thought usually he didn’t tend to sleep at night and we’re all a bit concerned…we just went to check on him again a minute ago…” 

She paused, giving Jax a moment to respond. But he didn’t. Without another word from anyone, they all looked at him as his eyes opened wide. He turned back around to the hallway, and ran. Without a second thought his legs just started moving, he didn’t know why but as soon as she mentioned the locked door he felt terrified. Nobody followed him, they were confused, they all just watched as he ran to the door.

He approached the door, and suddenly froze. Staring at it. He hesitantly lifted his leg up to kick down the door. It cracked, and cracked again. With one final kick, it broke enough for him to push through the remaining wood. Before he even stepped through the hole in the door, he saw it. A glitching black mass, hovering around an unlit room.

The others heard him, and approached the room as well. They all stood still, watching Jax once again, waiting to see what he was doing.

He blinked, and slowly crawled through the door. He didn’t believe it. He couldn’t understand what he was looking at. He must have still been asleep. He stood up straight as a shiver ran down his entire body, and he blinked again. His eyes followed the huge thing as it recklessly flung itself around the room. 

He couldn’t take his eyes off its many own, as it turned around and saw him. It seemed to calm down. The sharp black edges of the mass glitched slower as its irises did the same. The eyes all pointed towards him, they were staring at each other again. Not the enraged, wreckless, confused mass, it was him. He could feel that it was his friend looking back at him. He was still frozen with fear and confusion. 

The others stood in shock, scared of what they saw through the large hole in the door. Kinger was frozen too, remembering moments when he saw a similar black mass. Ragatha covered her mouth with one hand, with a worried expression on her face. 

     Each of them took turns looking at each other, and back at Jax, who was still standing still in the room. Ragatha was the first to slowly walk forward, reaching her hands out to Jax to pull him away from the sight. The others followed her, each trying both not to invade his space, and remove him from the situation at the same time. He didn’t even flinch as he felt their hands grabbing onto him and pulling him away. He slightly snapped out of it enough to move, slowly walking with them as they continued to pull him away. He looked at the floor, his ears flopped beside either side of his head, resting on his shoulders.

Notes:

sorry chat

Chapter 4: A Cellar

 

Everyone continued to walk away from the hallway as Caine showed up to deal with the abstraction. Jax wouldn’t dare look behind him as he did so. From the corner of his eye, he saw Caine dragging it to the cellar as it opened in front of him. He looked up, and the cellar closed. His friend was gone. 

 

The next day, they had a service for him like they’d done with others. Except his only friend didn’t show up. 

Ragatha knocked on Jax’s door that morning to tell him they were going to set it up. As she opened the door, she saw him lying on his bed, facing the wall with his legs pulled up to his chest. He appeared to be hugging what looked like a stuffed bear between them. 

“Hey… we’re gonna do the funeral this morning, if… you wanted to come. Since Caine isn’t doing an adventure today. Just wanted to let you know.” She said calmly. Jax turned his head so it was hiding further into his pillow, and he pulled his legs closer to himself. As he sat like that for another moment, she realized that was his answer. She frowned, and gently closed the door, leaving him be. 

The least you could do is show up, asshole. Tears rolled down his face as he frowned. He sniffled, breathing shaky breaths as he continued to cry. He didn’t cry often, so whenever he did, it felt like he was losing his shit. Maybe this time he actually was though. After all, “losing your shit” is literally what kills you here. Maybe it was good he was finally crying instead of holding it in like usual. It probably would kill him if he did that this time. But it isn’t like he could just cry nonstop until he finds a way out of this place, so what the hell was he supposed to do instead?

He hated himself. It was his fault. Why the hell couldn’t I just tell him I cared about him, how is that hard to do at all? It was all he needed to hear and I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t just state a fact. What the fuck is my problem

After laying for a while, not sleeping, he decided he needed something, anything, to distract him. He would literally accept an adventure. He sighed, standing up from his bed. Nothing interesting was in his room anyway, so he decided to occupy himself elsewhere. But really there weren't many places to hang out. The Carnival rides and everything else outside the tent get boring and repetitive pretty quick. So the only other place to hang out was the main area of the tent, or… the rooms.

He stood in the hall again, staring at the door. But this time it was a new door. It looks like it’d been fixed after he, well, mangled it. There was Ribbit’s face in the circle, only now it had a red ‘X’ across it. Jax sighed, and twisted the door handle. As he pushed open the door, he felt a wave of emotion before shaking his head, as if ignoring it. I’ve already cried today. 

He stepped into the room, closing the door gently behind him. He looked around, glancing between the fake plants and art supplies that were both spread out everywhere. He walked towards Ribbit’s art desk, and sat in the chair. He looked around the surface of the desk, decorated with doodle-covered post-it notes, pencils, and other papers. He noticed one paper specifically, though. It was an index card with writing on the lined side. It appeared to be a list of things he still wanted to draw. One of the items on the list seemed to be scribbled out, but Jax squinted, trying to make out what it said. 

‘me and sa-’

No,

…’Jax’ … ‘at’... ‘a safari’

What?? What do you mean a safari? Not like for hunting, right? No way he’d be into that.

He scoffed, slightly confused, and slid the paper back to the pile of post-it notes he found it in. He looked back at the other papers on the desk, admiring his doodles. When he looked down at the drawers in the desk, he noticed one of them was slightly open, so he opened that one first. This drawer contained the post-it notes, index cards, and other small papers. The drawer below it kept the regular sized papers, drawing pads and lined paper. The third drawer he opened had art supplies that weren’t kept in the pencil cup on top of the desk. These supplies were tools Jax didn’t recognize, not being an artist himself. Kneaded erasers, smudge sticks, and charcoal. But there were also tools like regular erasers, an assortment of pen sizes, and pencil sharpeners. 

He didn’t know why, but he stuck on the pencil sharpeners for a moment. An undesirable thought crossed his mind as he stared at them longer. His eyebrows furrowed, his lips pursed closed as he thought about it more. He’d made up his mind quickly, and without hesitation, he snatched them out of the drawer, and stuck them in his pocket. Just then, he stood up, and exited Ribbit’s room, heading back to his own. 

Maybe this would keep him from going fully insane and help him avoid abstraction. It seemed like enough of a distraction from everything. What else was he supposed to do? He didn’t have any more ideas. Nothing in this place was filling enough. After a while, you get bored of everything here, nothing is distracting enough anymore. No matter how hard Caine might try.

Chapter 5: A Cheat

Notes:

TW// Very graphic depictions of sh, skip the whole chapter to avoid triggering/sensitive content

A few days had passed since the funeral, since Jax took something from Ribbit’s room. He hadn’t yet done anything, he didn’t know why he was hesitating. It was the only reasonable solution, it would be a good enough distraction from his thoughts when nothing else was enough to. A solution to cheat insanity, avoid whatever death even was in this place. He hated himself for what he did, or rather, hadn’t done, but he didn’t wish to die. Especially not like… that. 

The day’s adventure just ended, and everyone began their normal activities after returning. But Jax wasn’t planning on sleeping after this one like usual. But still, like always he found himself in his bedroom, only this time he made his way toward a set of shelves and drawers he had across the room from his bed. He didn’t keep much in them, just a few papers and writing utensils if he ever felt like touching them. He made sure his door was locked before doing anything.

As he pulled them open and looked at the mostly empty space, he realized he didn’t really have any hobbies. In the real world, he’d just gotten out of school so what was there for him to do anyway? He usually spent his time at home, playing solo games. Mostly video games, but he did enjoy solitaire. He’d hang out with his animals as well. But otherwise no actual hobbies like drawing, or writing like others seemed to have. Maybe if he got out of here, he’d start keeping plants, who knows? 

Regardless, he kept stalling. Opening and closing the drawers in his desk even though he knew what all of them contained. When he finally reached the particular drawer he’d been avoiding for these past few days, he sighed. His fingers wrapped around the handle, and he pulled it open, revealing the items he’d stolen from his friend’s art desk. 

Now, he decided he wouldn’t wait any longer. At last, he reached for one of the pencil sharpeners in the drawer, setting it on the desk in front of him. He grabbed for the drawer that for some reason had tools in it, and took out a small screwdriver in order to undo the nails which were keeping him away from the blade. He loosened all the nails on the plastic, and let them fall out of their place and onto the desk. As he shook the small piece of plastic, the blade dropped as well. 

Finally, here was his relief. Stop hesitating. It’s been days since you’ve made up your mind, what are you still waiting for? Just do it already, it’ll feel better. 

Before taking any action, he thought about placement. He couldn’t scar his arms and cause others to look down on him because of it. Where was somewhere they wouldn’t see? His entire arms were uncovered. His legs, he thought. He adjusted his overalls so his legs were exposed, more specifically his thighs. 

He scooped the tiny blade off the desk and into his hand, grabbing it with his other pointer finger and thumb. The blade was brushing against his fur, just above his knee. And without another moment of hesitation, at last it was touching his skin. He pressed down, not too hard, and began to slide it once across his leg. He winced, inhaling sharply. After a moment, he saw a small bit of red start to peek through his fur. Luckily, his fur wasn’t very long or dense, so he didn’t have to worry about it getting stuck and clumping.

After a short pause, he started trembling slightly. His breathing was shaky as he exhaled through his nose, and he was leaned back in his chair. He looked at the cut for a second, and swallowed, his breathing returning to normal. Unfortunately, another feeling took over.

Too late, he realized that the thing he had feared about doing this hadn’t been the worry of people seeing him differently if they knew. It was the worry of how it would make him feel. Because, it made him feel… so good. He knew it would make him feel better, as a distraction, he thought. But only one cut in and he was worried it’d become more than a rare action to distract himself. He felt exhilarated… euphoric. He was scared at the same time, because he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop himself. But he also somehow felt so in control of himself, more than ever.

Going into this, he obviously knew he’d feel something, emotionally, after the first cut, but he had no idea it’d make him feel so many things at once . He placed the blade back to his skin, making another small cut across his leg, wincing again. 

He noticed the gloves could be useful to use as cover as well, his hands. So he readjusted his overalls to their usual state, removed one of his gloves, and placed it on the desk. As he brought the blade up to his hand, he suddenly thought of how Ribbit would feel about him doing this. He already had a lot of confusing emotions happening at a time, though, so he ignored the thought. And after all, he was doing this because Ribbit wasn’t there anymore, so what did he care? He wasn’t there to stop him, or try to talk him out of it. 

He continued to reach the blade to his hand. As he began pressing down just underneath where the glove slightly covered his wrist, he heard a knock on his door. Startled, he flinched, with the blade still pressing on his wrist. It sliced through the skin quicker than he intended it to. He sucked air in through his teeth, and slammed his fist on the desk unintentionally.

“Ah!- Y- yeah, who is it?” He frantically set the blade back down on the desk, covering it up with his glove as he stood up. “It’s Ragatha… I was just wondering if you were doing okay? You really didn’t talk after we got back today…” Jax made his way to the door, quietly unlocking it before she realized it was locked and tried to ask him if something else was wrong. 

“Yep, yeah, all good.” He said as he opened the door, meeting his eyes with Ragatha’s. He hid his bare hand behind him, in the most natural way he could.

“Oookay,” She began, furrowing her eyebrows. “Are you… sure? You’re actually acting way weirder than usual. Like, you aren’t mocking me for checking in on you.” She asked, confused.

“Ok, well, maybe I’m just tired, asshole, maybe I didn’t get to take my nap yet.” He snapped, trying to reestablish his usual demeanor. He wasn’t usually caught in such a panicked state, so he wasn’t used to having to quickly change his attitude. Also, he was a terrible liar. Tremendously bad.

“Yeah, okay there it is. Well, sorry if I woke you up, but I just wanted to let you know that even though you’re an asshole to me I care that you aren’t gonna… you know, abstract. So, just… I’m here.” Ragatha assured him. He just stared back at her for a second before saying, “Gosh, are you that lonely? Pretending you care about me?” in a sarcastic tone, grinning widely. 

“How do you always find a way to insult other people and diminish your own well-being at the same time? Ugh, anyway, I guess I’m glad you seem to be your normal-ish self. I’ll see you, Jax” She said, walking off.

Jax sighed in relief, shutting the door again. He walked back to the desk, placing the empty plastic pencil sharpener, the nails, and blade into a drawer. He put his glove back on, groaning. He sat back down in the chair and leaned back, his arms dangling off the chair beside him on either side. As he looked up at the ceiling, breathing heavily, he replayed what had just happened. He just stared, and smiled.

Chapter 6: Fading Open Wounds

Notes:

TW// depictions of sh
this whole chapter surrounds Jax's actions from the previous chapter
it isn't nearly as detailed

As Jax sat still in his chair, still looking up at the ceiling, the feeling started slipping away from the front of his mind. He began to miss it, trying to hold onto it before it faded for good. Or, temporarily, he’d hoped. After all, he was planning to do this again. 

Once the emotions passed, he looked back down, cringing at what he’d done. He removed his glove again just to see the damage. He could clearly see the mark of where he’d sliced his wrist, partially by accident. With another sigh, the glove slid back onto his hand, and he undid his overalls once more to look at his thighs. There were only two small cuts, but they still managed to pull another smile out from his lips. 

 

He didn’t sleep that night, he was distracted by the moment Ragatha came to his door, checking in on him like she did for everyone. That moment turned out to make him less uncomfortable than he’d expected. He wasn’t still nervous about how he was almost caught, or how his demeanor slipped. It made him feel… alive. The pure panic he’d felt when there was a knock on his door at the worst possible moment, when someone could’ve seen him… 

It’s exciting

The next morning, Caine called everyone to the large table he’d set up in the tent sometimes for meals. Though they didn’t require food in the circus, some of them thought it was nice to try and share meals together, just to have some “family” time more or less. Something distracting, like the adventures, but not as annoying or… honestly terrifying as they sometimes were. 

As everyone gathered in, Jax grabbed a chair at one of the ends of the table, yawning as he plopped down in his seat. He rested his chin in his palm, with his elbow supporting him on the table, as he looked to his right at the other circus members beside him along the table. He was glad, he supposed, to at least not be alone in here. 

He pondered more as he picked at the crispy pieces of fabricated bacon on his plate. Suddenly, Ragatha, who was seated to his left, tried catching his attention. Jax was balancing a piece of bacon upright on his plate underneath his left pointer finger, pulling it back and forth. After a few relaxed calls of his name, he turned his head to face her, letting the bacon fall onto his plate. His arm pulled back towards him on his side, resting his hand on the table. 

“Hey,” she began, when he finally focused on her. “So, I know yesterday, when I came to your room to check on you… you seemed kinda… different? And I pointed it out… and you switched back to being your normal rude self.” Jax just sat and stared at her. He knew this was about to be weird for no reason because she saw him slip yesterday.

Ragatha continued. “I just wanted to ask again what that was about, because it was really not like you to have to switch up your tone in front of other people, cause you’re kind of… just always rude. But you must be having a lot of feelings, or something…” She took a pause. “I really don’t know what I’m saying,” she let out a quiet, awkward laugh. “I just wanted to let you know that I can tell something’s really wrong, and…” She trailed off, glancing at his hand.

Jax noticed her eye and shivered. Quickly pulling his hand off the table and into his lap, he covered his wrist with his other hand. He noticed too late that the cut wasn’t exactly conveniently placed, and barely covered up by his glove. There’s no way she didn’t just actually see it. Shit

There was absolutely no casual way he could possibly play this off. “Yeah, I just wanted some other thing to distract myself from going insane, so… this! Nothing weird about it! You’re gonna stop pestering me about my feelings now for sure, right?”

Ragatha’s eye met with his as they both looked away from his… situation. She seemed like she was in shock, but also, not at all shocked at what she was seeing. She was speechless. “I, umm… a-are you…? I…” She didn’t have a clue what to say in a situation like this. 

“Well, Raggy, looks like breakfast is over! I’ll see ya later.” Jax said as normal as he could, even though nothing could possibly explain it, or change the fact that she saw it. 

He stood up from his seat, attempting to disengage from the terrible conversation they were about to have if Ragatha could get any words out. But before he could walk away, Ragatha quickly stood up, grabbing his arm. Jax inhaled, and quickly turned back to face her again, refusing to make eye contact.

She still couldn't form a full thought, or any sentence for that matter. They just stood as everyone else stared at them from their seats. Ragatha looked deep into his eyes, blinking, as he eventually returned the eye contact. His breath was quaking, he felt so intimidated for some reason. He knew it was probably just because she didn’t know what to say, but it looked to him like Ragatha was frustrated, confused, almost disappointed with him. He couldn’t handle that. 

Just as Ragatha looked like she would finally have thoughts to actually express, Jax pulled his hand away from her, looking at it. Just in that moment, the wound blinked a few times, and disappeared with a pop! noise. What the hell??? He furrowed his eyebrows.

They both looked at Jax’s blank wrist, perplexed as to what just happened. Everyone else at the table was trying to not get involved with their business, and had no idea what was going on. They all quickly decided to quit staring and they continued on their conversations as awkwardly as possible. Jax glanced back up at Ragatha, before quickly turning and walking away. She just watched him as he left, standing still with her arms beside her.

 

As soon as Jax made it back to his room, he locked the door. He had to check something. 

The cuts on his thighs were gone, too.

How the hell is this happening? Usually the only way our appearances change is because…

Chapter 7: All-Seeing Eyes

Jax sat on the edge of his bed, staring at the floor beside his feet. Just a moment ago, he was in the main area of the tent with the long table, and all the other members of the circus. And just a moment ago, the strangest thing happened to him. It wasn’t strange per say, more unexpected. After all, he of course was aware that Caine altered their physical appearances regularly and freely. The disturbing part was that…

 How the hell did he know they were there?  

But then, Jax remembered. Caine’s “Hundreds of All-Seeing Eyes!” 

 Of course. Ugh. But wait, when would he have even…

After a few moments of uninterrupted silence, Jax pondering the exact situation that could’ve caused that revelation from Caine, he realized. He probably only found out about the cuts at breakfast just now. But surely he would’ve noticed beforehand with all his eyes? They’re literally everywhere, all the time. How could he have not found out before? But that doesn’t make sense either, he would’ve removed the cuts as soon as he found out…

He was struggling to come up with a logical explanation about the timing of this. Of course Caine could have only just found out, but his eyes truly are all over, so how would he not have noticed before? In any case, he knew about it now, and it was too late. 

Just then, he saw it. The unmistakable shape of a singular stray eyeball, lurking in a corner of his room. 

 Oh, unbelievable.

He thought for a moment and decided he should confront Caine about this. But before that, he’d find out for sure whether or not Caine actually does know what’s happening. Even though he was almost certain he was fully aware of the situation and the cuts disappearing wasn’t some kind of automatic “time’s up” deal. And on top of that, the floating eye that was currently staring at him in his room after that just went down.

 But like, just cause the eye is here right now, and the cuts just disappeared it doesn’t even necessarily mean he’d keep doing it, right?  

So, he headed over to his desk, intending to test his theory in order to be certain before confronting Caine. Only, when he reached for the drawer holding the blade, it was missing. Along with the other pencil sharpeners he’d stolen. 

  Oh what the fuck? You have to be kidding. 

Now he had no choice. The first chance he got, he’d talk to Caine. But he’d wait until after the day’s adventure.

Jax closed the drawer with a quiet groan, and looked over at the eye with a judging look on his face. He sighed, turning away and walking back to his bed. He fell backwards onto the mattress, his knees at the edge, and let his legs sit off the side of the bed. He stayed like that for a moment, just staring at the ceiling above him replaying everything that happened from the moment he left his room.

 It’s all such bullshit. … God I hate it here.  

He furrowed his eyebrows as he  thought about his existence here in the circus. He often tried not to, for fear of going too deep into thought and… abstracting because of it. But sometimes he couldn’t help himself. He just missed… everything. Everything that was real. He just wanted to go home. He missed his real life, his real body. It could be fun here sometimes, though rarely, but mostly he was just bored to tears by it all. It was strange, often it would be neutral, and emit at least some sense of normalcy, a schedule. But other times it’d just be completely unbearable. Though, it all seemed unbearable now that his one real friend was gone. But he couldn’t let it get to him. 

He sat up and took a deep breath, before he started getting too deep into it. He turned, lifting his legs up on the mattress. He shifted so he was eventually lying down on the bed, on his side and facing the wall. He’d just gotten up and it was only the morning, so he’d still have to endure an adventure, but for now he thought, why not go to sleep? He hadn’t slept the night before, not like he could be tired, but regardless. He lay for a few moments, hoping to drift off, and eventually doing so before his mind had the chance to sneak feelings of homesickness up on him again.

Notes:

sorry if there are things that dont make sense or if things were repetitive, i HATE proofreading <3

Chapter 8: Confrontation

 

Jax was woken up by Caine when he loudly knocked at his door at the time of the adventure. Reluctantly, he left the comfort of his bed and followed Caine to where he’d gathered the others.

I seriously can’t wait to hear his excuse for this.

 

Soon, the adventure was over and everyone returned to the circus tent. Now was the time Jax would initiate a, hopefully productive, conversation with Caine about his situation. Productive being, Jax thought, Caine allowing him to continue doing what caused such strong emotions within him. The urges and physical feelings that quickly made him feel so alive in this lonely, hopeless digital hell he found himself in.

Watching as the other circus members disperse from the portal they all just walked through, Jax stayed where he was, hoping to catch Caine’s attention. Without him even speaking, Caine immediately noticed Jax was just looking at him from slightly below. “Did you… need something?” Caine asked, confused as he darted his eyes left and right and droopily pointed in Jax’s direction.

“Actually, yeah. I have something to ask you.” Jax admitted in an obviously less than comforting tone, staring at Caine with his eyes squinted. Caine cleared his throat, “I- okay well, sure, yeah.” He could tell Jax was annoyed about something, and he almost felt personally threatened, without even knowing what he was going to say. He was actually scared, Jax was genuinely intimidating, Caine found, whenever he felt real passion about something. So knowing he intended to express a genuine negative emotion towards Caine made him shiver. 

“We can… go to my office, then.” Caine proposed in a tone that made it obvious to Jax that he was uncomfortable, scared even. He snapped his fingers, and the two were suddenly in the small room with Caine’s desk. They sat across from each other, silently before one of them spoke up. Jax had his arms crossed, and his eyes still squinted.

“So, why’d you get rid of the uh, you know.” Jax paused momentarily between his words, almost as if deciding whether to outright say it. For some reason it felt too uncomfortable for him to speak it out loud, in any form. He waited for the moment to finally confront Caine, and now that he was right in front of him, waiting specifically for Jax’s words, he couldn’t get them out.

“The… what?...” Caine replied with a head tilt, not very convincingly playing dumb, as Jax fully knew he understood.

“Don’t act stupid, you must know what I’m talking about. It’s literally the only thing that’s happened to me in the last, like, week. Let alone specifically coming from you.”

“Oh, that. Well… what about it?” Jax looked almost shocked after hearing that. Looking at Caine as if he were to say ‘What about it?’ in the most sarcastic tone possible. His eyes were wide open, his eyebrows curved in confusion, looking in complete disbelief. There was a moment of this particular stare before he finally let it out. 

He unfolded his arms as he stood from his chair and began shouting, “Why does it even matter to you if I do it?! How does it affect you to the point of completely taking away any chance of me doing it again? Hell, even the reminder of it that was on my actual body was taken away from me. This time, couldn’t at least that stayed, to let me have something to actually hold on to since you stole everything else?!” He referred to how Caine regularly reset their physical appearances, hoping that just once, something could stay that wasn’t meant to be there. Jax had never expressed this much negative emotion towards Caine before, or anyone in the circus for that matter.

“Because I am not programmed to be able to understand or handle… whatever this is!” He abruptly snapped back in response. “I’m not capable of understanding any human emotion to quite this extent. I get basic emotions, but I can’t understand why they cause the things they do inside people. So whenever something like… this comes up, all I can do is dispose of it, or else it’s just there as a constant reminder to everyone of how I don’t understand or relate to any of you!”Jax had never seen Caine so serious before.

Caine took a pause, trying to explain the situation Jax found himself in, or more so, trying to explain to the best of his ability why he did what he did about it, and why. “Because I might be powerful here, but I can’t help any of you, no matter how hard I try to grasp human feelings. That’s why… that’s what abstraction is. It’s your human emotions completely taking over you because there’s nothing I can do to help you.”

Jax stared at him as he explained, not knowing what to think. Until finally he said, “So, basically you took this away from me… because you couldn’t handle looking at it. Right.” He scoffed, turning away from Caine. “You’re just… so… selfish.” 

Caine tensed as those words escaped his mouth. “...Selfish…” He didn’t move, or appear particularly frustrated when he heard it. He just stayed still, looking at Jax with a blank “face”. Of course, he knew what ‘selfish’ meant, and he knew Jax had said it with the intention of being degrading, but he didn’t understand how it fit into the situation. He may be intelligent, but he just couldn’t grasp how Jax felt like what he’d done was selfish of him. He didn’t understand how he’d hurt him because of what he did, or why Jax was so upset about it, even though he obviously knew it had been entirely about him. 

“Look, I think this conversation is about over. Just, go… sleep or something.” Caine turned away from Jax, and suddenly disappeared. Jax shook his head with an annoyed sigh, and began walking back toward the bedroom hallway. 

That fucker. What the hell am I supposed to do now  

Jax entered his room, finally sitting back on his bed. Can he seriously not just let it happen? Nobody asked him to help it anyway, I don’t know why he’s treating it like some immensely unbearable thing.

It just pissed him off more when he realized that why Caine had done that was entirely the opposite of why Jax was doing it in the first place. Caine removed any trace of what he thought was a sign of the “negative mental state” he saw Jax to be in, because he wasn’t able to help him avoid that state otherwise. When really he was using it as a means to avoid feeling, which is what would actually get to him, cause him to eventually abstract. Not being able to use this as an outlet was just going to be worse for him. Caine didn’t understand that. He didn’t attempt to before he cut their conversation short.

Regardless, he decided to be angry with Caine tomorrow. He wanted to sleep. He lie still in his bed once again, trying to avoid thinking too much about what was keeping him awake.

Notes:

after this one's gonna be a time skip to pomni's arrival, i don't have much else to say that doesn't involve her cause ive done most of the personal stuff with jax already and im not good at coming up with things about characters we arent familiar with as a fandom yk