The Secrets That We Keep

by Lextrow

Notes:

I wrote a thing. It was for me but you get it too. I know, I'm so nice.

Regulus had secrets. He was a Black, of course he did.

The whole family was full of half hidden secrets and poorly contained rumours, each one was treated with mild contempt, if not dutifully ignored. That didn't make them go away though.

Like when Sirius was exposed for being queer. The whole school buzzed with talk for weeks but he didn't even glance in their direction. The stories that he'd been beaten and cursed near to death before being disowned were significantly harder to ignore but he'd kept his head held high all the same. A Black move, even if he ignored that fact too.

Regulus had more secrets than he could count and less of an ability to ignore them. Sirius knew many of them, of course he did. Before him being disowned the two were nearly inseperable once in private. Barty and Evan each knew a handful though they didn't talk about it much. His biggest secret though, something not even Sirius knew? The blood that was slowly staining all the shirts in his trunk and the feeling like he was slowly dying from the inside.

It'd started when he was young, an inconspicous nick on his wrist here, a burn from getting too close to a fire there, but had quickly spiralled. Now scars lined both his arms and hardly a day went by without him hiding away to dig some blade into his skin until blood flowed that beautiful crimson red color. He'd taken to wearing dark colored shirts or a cloak after looking at his arms in class to see that the wounds had re-opened and were soaking through his sleeves.

He was struggling, but Blacks don't admit that. Blacks don't smile back at their disowned brothers from across the hall or seek them out for comfort like he desperately wanted to. Blacks don't ask for help like he really needed to. And Blacks never, ever, let anybody in on a secret if they could help it.

And Regulus was doing his best.

His best wasn't always good enough though.

It was just a Tuesday. History of Magic was as boring as ever, Slughorn was planning a dinner party again that'd he'd invited Regulus to, and Transfiguration homework was due. All entirely normal things. Except Regulus felt like shit.

He managed to ditch his friends at lunch, making an excuse about forgetting something in the dorm and practically bolted out of the hall. There was one bathroom on the second floor that was practically impossible to find unless you knew what you were looking for and he headed towards it. The halls were mostly empty and when he arrived no one was even nearby, much less in the bathroom. Locking himself in a stall, he dropped his bag and sat down on the toilet seat, putting his head in his hands. Tears stung his eyes and he tried to hold them back but his breaking point had long since passed and he had to settle for trying to muffle his sobs the best he could.

After a few moments of his own hiccupy cries echoing back at him, he tugged his robe off and rolled up his right sleeve. Even after years of Walburga trying to get him to use his right hand, and having the scars to match, his left was still steadier. Typically he wouldn't mind but he had classes after this and precise wounds were easier to close. Digging in his bag, he found the small knife he kept there for days exactly like this.

Taking a deep breath, he carefully drew the knife across his arm. Red appeared instantly and after a moment of welling up in the wound, it dripped down his arm. It was pretty, in a sad way he supposed. Rather like him if he was being honest. Prehaps he was destined for this. Sliding the blade over his arm again, more blood joined the rest sliding down his arm like the tear tracks on his cheeks. Methodically he sliced again and again, occasionally reopening wounds that were already partially healed.

He didn't hear anything until the soft knocking on the stall door. Instantly he froze, going absolutely silent. The knife tip was still resting in the newest wound slightly but he hardly dare breathe.

"Reggie?" Sirius. "I know you don't want to talk to me but I wanted to make sure you're okay, you seemed upset this morning and I didn't see you in the hall during lunch at all."

Of course it was Sirius, it had to be, the universe wouldn't have let it be any other way. He couldn't say anything, his voice would surely give him away. He couldn't very well ignore him either, it'd just make him push harder. He was stuck, frozen in place by sheer terror of being discovered.

"Will you please just tell me if you're alright? You don't have to tell me anything and I can leave you alone if you do." Still, Regulus didn't respond, couldn't. He just watched under the door as Sirius sank to the ground with a sigh and leaned up against the wall.

"I don't know what I'm doing wrong Reggie. I'm trying, merlin am I trying. I can't even get you to look at me and it's killing me. I just want to make sure you're safe and taken care of but I don't know how to do that if you won't let me." Regulus didn't say anything but very slowly pulled the knife away from his arm and set it down on top of his backpack. Sirius must have heard the tiny movement because he went silent and when Regulus went still again he slumped against the door. After a moment he spoke again.

"You know, last week me and Prongs pulled this prank off, we got into the teachers supply closets and charmed all their pens to only write swear words. The third years got them first and you should have seen the aftermath. I think Minnie knows it was us but she can't prove it." Regulus sat, baffled as to why Sirius was sitting outside the door, telling him this story. "'Course, Moony says we shouldn't have done that to the younger kids so we still got in trouble. We're planning something for the seventh years now, Wormy's gotten a friend from his mum's side to send us uh... pollen. He's in charge of it though so I'm not sure exactly what we're doing with it."

As Sirius kept talking about all the little things Regulus felt himself relaxing. After a few minutes he shifted so he was sitting with his legs crossed and wrapped his hand around the wound that was still steadily bleeding to stem the flow a bit. Sirius's voice faltered when he heard Regulus move but once he went quiet again he went back to talking. He wasn't sure how long they sat there while he listened but after what felt like several eternities he hesitantly leaned forward and unlocked the door.

Sirius went silent immediately, cutting of mid word like someone had silenced him. It was quiet enough to hear their breathing for exactly three seconds before Sirius shot to his feet and yanked the door open. He took in the scene in a second, eyes scanning Regulus, then the stall. Shoving the bag out of reach with his foot, he quickly dropped down to his knees in front of Regulus.

"It's alright Reggie, I've got you. Lets get you fixed up, yeah?" He managed a small nod and Sirius quickly set to his task. Gently he pulled his hand away from his arm, then pulled out his wand and muttered a handful of healing spells. Regulus just watched him, trembling very slightly. Once the wounds all closed and the blood was gone, Sirius looked up at him.

"Thank you for letting me in Reg. Can you tell me if there's any more of these?" After a moment, he rolled up his other sleeve too and let Sirius examine the scars. It was quiet for another moment. "How long has this been going on?" Regulus hesitated and Sirius squeezed his hands gently. "It's alright, I'm not upset, I've just got to know."

After a shaky breath, Regulus managed a soft: "Couple years." Sirius's eyebrows went up ever so slightly and Regulus quickly continued. "Just got bad after..." After Sirius ran away. He didn't say it but the way his hands sublty tightened Regulus could tell he knew.

"Does anyone else know?" A quick shake of his head. "Is there anything else going on I should know about?" Regulus tensed, feeling a little ill. Telling was scary, not telling felt horrible. "Reggie. I need you to tell me if something else is going on. I can't help if you don't let me."

"I... I don't like eating, I just don't some days and I..." Looking down at Sirius, expression so incredibly patient as Regulus struggled to force words out past his innate terror of someone knowing made his voice catch on abrupt tears.

"Hey, it's okay. Can you try and take a deep breath for me?" After a moment, Regulus managed a breath and Sirius squeezed his hands.

"I don't think I want to be alive anymore." Sirius's expression changed instantly as the calm mask cracked, revealing the sheer terror that those words brought on.

"Reggie, oh fuck, come here." He crumpled forward into his hug, shaking. Sirius seemed to be doing his best to hold him as close as possible, dragging him practically into his lap.

"It'll be alright, I've got you Reggie."

"I can't do it." Regulus pressed his face into Sirius's shoulder, voice slightly muffled. "I miss you and I can't do it like you can. You just... you just walk around like everythings okay and I can't do that."

"No one's asking you to. I don't act like everythings alright all the time, you just only see the little bit of me that looks okay. It's okay to be hurt, I promise you, it's okay. You just have to know when you've got something on your own, and when you really need help."

"And this Reggie?" He pulled away a little to look Regulus in the eyes. "This is a 'really need help' kind of thing. So let me help you with it, okay?" He nodded ever so slightly and could see the releif on Sirius's face.

"First order of business then is to get you some food, sound alright?" He must have pulled a face because Sirius gave him a sympathetic look. "I know, food is hard sometimes but we'll get you something that seems edible and you can take your time with it."

"I've got classes."

"That's second order of business, we're skiving off." Despite himself, Regulus felt a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

"We'll get in trouble."

"Only if we get caught, come on, lets go get something to eat." The two managed to get to their feet and gather their stuff, Regulus pretended not to notice Sirius pocketing the knife because he really didn't feel like crying again.

They made their way out into the hallway and as they walked Regulus pressed himself against Sirius's side. He squeezed his hand in return and Regulus thought he might have felt just a little bit better.

Notes:

Thanks for reading! If you liked it please leave kudos or a comment to fuel my immortal soul!

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 8 of Bedtime Stories