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They strap him down and he doesn’t fight them. He never fights them anymore. He doesn’t remember exactly but he knows there will be consequences if he does.
Today someone else is there, just behind Pierce. He has dark hair and dark eyes that meet his openly. That is new. None of them ever look at him except Pierce and even Pierce never looks at him like that. The new man’s face shows horror as if he cannot believe this is happening.
“Are you going to give him electroshocks?” The man asks one of the technicians who nods. “Shouldn’t you give him painkillers first?” He sounds genuinely concerned.
“Why bother?” The technician replies. “He’s not going to remember the pain anyway.”
He does but he knows better than to say so. Each time he can feel it for days afterwards but that’s fine. It’s his punishment for disobeying.
He can feel the man’s eyes on him the entire time.
/
“Hey”, the man says, “I’m Brock Rumlow. I was told you’re the famous Winter Soldier. Is it okay if I call you Winter for short?” Rumlow waits as if he wants an actual answer.
He finds that confusing. They never ask him about anything that is not related to the mission at hand. “Yes”, he says eventually. They never call him by any name at all so Winter is as good as any other.
“I’m guessing you’re feeling pretty bad at the moment so I got you some painkillers.
He stares at the white pills in Rumlow’s open palm. No one has given him painkillers before, he’s sure of that. After a moment he takes them and the bottle of water Rumlow offers him as well. It’s enough to take the edge of the pain.
“I don’t know if Pierce told you, but we’re on the same team now”, Rumlow says.
He waits. Rumlow is new if he thinks they tell him anything.
“How do you feel?” Rumlow asks. He sounds nice and Winter doesn’t know what to make of that.
“I’m fine”, he says.
“Sure you are”, Rumlow grins and it sounds like he doesn’t believe him. “I’ve been electrocuted before. I know it hurts like a bitch.” He squeezes Winter’s shoulder. “You’re good to go?”
Winter nods.
/
“Where are you taking him?” Rumlow asks as they lead Winter away.
“He’s being put on ice”, one of the technicians answers.
“On ice?” Rumlow frowns. “We literally just came back. Doesn’t he get a rest day or anything?”
The technician snorts. “Do you give your guns rest days?”
“He’s not a thing”, Rumlow protests.
“Agent Rumlow, a word please”, Winter hears Alexander Pierce say and then the door closes.
/
Waking up from the ice he’s never cold. That comes later when he’s been walking around for a bit. Then he starts shivering violently and even once that has passed, he still feels cold for days after as if the ice has seeped into his bones.
“Hey”, a man...Rumlow says once the thawing process is finished and he’s free to move. “Remember me?”
“You’re Brock Rumlow. You’re my team leader”, he says dutifully.
Usually he’s alone for the next half an hour after thawing out so he can sort himself out. But it seems like there is an urgent mission or else Rumlow wouldn’t be here.
“Got you some tea”, Rumlow says and holds up a steaming mug.
“Tea?” Winter blinks.
“Tea”, Rumlow repeats and presses the mug into his hand. “Careful, it’s hot.”
“What is the mission?” Winter asks.
“The mission?” Rumlow shrugs. “I’ll tell you that later when the rest of the team’s here too. No point in saying everything twice.”
“But isn’t it urgent?” He doesn’t understand why Rumlow is here if it’s not for a mission.
Rumlow shakes his head. “Are you okay?”
Winter has started shivering. His teeth are chattering. He can’t stop it, no matter how much he wants to.
“Easy, easy”, Rumlow says. He takes the mug from his hand and makes him sit down. “They don’t have even any fucking blankets here.” He squeezes Winter’s shoulder and says, “I’ll be right back.”
Winter doesn’t answer. Can’t answer. He’s shivering too much.
Rumlow comes back very quickly and wraps a thick orange emergency blanket around his shoulders. “Here”, he says and rubs Winter’s arm and shoulders until the shivering subsides.
“Does this happen every time?”
Winter nods.
“And they just leave you here on your own without a blanket or a hot drink?”
He nods again.
“Not on my watch, kid.”
/
“Why does he get electroshocks again?” Rumlow demands to know. They have returned from their mission, successfully again, and he’s being prepared for the chair.
“You have a new mission”, one of the technicians says, “Do you not?”
“That doesn’t explain...this.”
“Mr. Pierce doesn’t want the Asset out of cryo for too long without a mind-wipe.”
“What’s so important he’s not allowed to remember?”
Winter has been asking himself that too sometimes.
“That’s none of your concern, Agent Rumlow.”
Just like last time he feels Rumlow’s eyes on him until he feels nothing but the pain.
/
When he wakes up there’s a man with him. For a moment he thinks that the man is familiar but the impression doesn’t last.
“Do you know me?” The man asks.
He shakes his head and braces himself to be hurt again. Sometimes he forgets people he’s not allowed to forget.
Instead the man nods and says, “I’m Brock Rumlow. I’m your team leader, Winter.”
Winter. That tells him something. There’s something linked to that word. A memory. He can feel it. It sits right under the surface. “Winter”, he whispers.
“You said it was okay if I called you that”, Rumlow explains.
“Winter is my name.” It’s half a question and half a statement.
“As good as at least”, Rumlow said and held out his hand. “I’ve got some painkillers for you. I know you feel like shit.”
Winter hesitated.
“Go on, take them, it’s fine”, Rumlow assured him.
Winter followed his orders.
/
It becomes a pattern. When he’s put on ice or on the chair, Rumlow will be there, watching him.
When he wakes up, Rumlow is there, waiting for him with painkillers if he has just been wiped and a blanket and tea if he has been on ice.
“Hi Winter, I’m Brock Rumlow. I’m you team leader.”
Those are the first words Rumlow always says to him, no matter if he remembers or not. Rumlow is always there, he is the first and the last face he sees. Always.
Sometimes months or even years pass in between. He’ll wake up and Rumlow will have a different haircut or more lines on his face or injuries that haven’t been there the last time Winter has seen him.
/
“Hi Winter, I’m Brock Rumlow. I’m you team leader.”
He has been wiped. His whole body aches. And yet he knows who Rumlow is even before he says anything.
“I know.”
For some reason Rumlow looks happy to hear that. “That’s a first.” He gives Winter the painkillers and Winter takes them without hesitation.
/
He retains the knowledge who Rumlow is through the next few times he is wiped. Each time when he wakes up and sees Rumlow he knows who he is instantly.
He also knows who he is.
His name is Winter.
He’s on Rumlow’s team.
He has a place and a name he belongs to.
If he ever had that before he has long forgotten them.
/
“The weather is too bad”, Jolene says. She’s their team’s pilot. Winter knows that “We need to wait until it clears up. I’d say tomorrow at best but more likely the day after.”
Rumlow shrugs. Their mission isn’t time sensitive, just a drug lord that needs to be taken down and his possessions seized. Centipede is very interested in one of his new mixtures. “Come on”, he says to Winter. “You can bunk at mine if you want.”
“I’m not supposed to be leave the base unless for a mission.”
Well, this is part of the mission. My apartment is a lot closer to the airport than the lab.”
Winter hesitates but then he nods and follows Rumlow.
He’s a good soldier, after all. He follows orders.
/
Brock’s apartment is a small two-bedroom right under the roof. It’s clean and tidy and he obviously doesn’t spend much time here but to Winter it seems lavish. There are pictures on the wall and a few medals on the shelves, mostly from boxing and different martial arts competitions.
“Jack swears that my couch is more comfortable than the bed so I guess you’ll be okay there”, Rumlow says as he puts sheets, a pillow and a blanket on the sofa.
The last thing Winter sees before falling asleep is Rumlow’s back as he walks into his bedroom.
/
“Fuck, Winter, don’t watch people sleep. It’s creepy.”
“I woke up and you weren’t there”, Winter says. “You’re always there when I wake up.”
Rumlow rubs a hand over his face and sighs. Then he grabs his phone from the nightstand. “JJ says she’ll try again at 1300, so we’ve got plenty of time. So I’m going back to sleep. You can take the other side of the bed if you don’t want to sleep alone.”
Winter does as he’s told except he doesn’t go to sleep. Instead he watches Rumlow and wonders what Rumlow sees when he watches him. Winter cannot imagine that he looks this soft, this vulnerable, this fragile when he’s not conscious.
He wants to remember this moment forever and ever. This moment where he feels warm and safe and that he wants to last forever.
/
Once he almost reaches for Rumlow when the shocks end but behind Pierce’s back Rumlow’s eyes have widened when he notices what Winter is about to do. And he almost imperceptibly, shakes his head. Winter curls his hand into a fist to suppress the urge to reach out.
/
He wakes up in the passenger seat of a car. It’s sunny and warm outside and Rumlow has a window open. It’s just the two of them on this mission.
Winter likes these missions the best, now that he can remember some of them.
“Good morning”, Rumlow says when he sees that Winter is awake.
“Good morning”, Winter replies even though the clock tells him it’s not morning at all.
The silence lasts but it’s not a bad thing. Winter watches Rumlow and how the sun plays with the shadows on his skin. He looks warm and safe and Winter again feels the urge to reach out and touch him.
“Where would you go if you could go anywhere?” Rumlow asks eventually. He does that sometimes, just asks questions about things and whether Winter likes or wants them or not.
He shrugs. “Somewhere warm.”
“California, Mexico, Italy?” Rumlow wants to know. The sun is shining and the wind that comes through the open window rustles his hair. He looks alive and warm and Winter wishes he could reach out and touch him to get a piece of that. Yet when he mentions Italy, Winter shivers.
“Never been to the West Coast”, he says.
For a second Rumlow takes his eyes off the road and smiles at him, “One day maybe, huh?”
/
He wakes up. It’s cold. It feels colder than it has ever before. He’s shivering violently, his teeth chatter, his muscles clench. He doesn’t remember if it has ever been this bad before.
“It’s okay, it’s okay, Winter. I got you”, Rumlow says and wraps a blanket around him and then his arms.
Winter doesn’t remember ever being this close to another human being before.
He didn’t know you can be starved for touch as much as for water and food and sleep.
He wants to bury in Rumlow’s skin and stay there, small and warm and safe.
Rumlow smells good, Winter thinks as he hides his face in Rumlow’s neck.
His shivers subside but they stay like this for longer.
It’s Rumlow who finally pulls away first but not far and even that much he only does reluctantly as if he doesn’t want to leave anymore than Winter does. They’re so close that he can feel Rumlow’s breath on his skin.
He presses his lips against Rumlow’s because he wants to. Wants to but doesn’t know why. Can’t explain what he’s feeling because he’s forgotten the words only that it feels like pain but in a good way. The pain expands in his chest as he feels Rumlow’s lips move against his, feels his hands cup his face.
Rumlow breaks away, breathless. “Don’t”, he says, “Winter don’t do this.”
“Why?”
“Because you have no idea what you’re doing.”
Rumlow looks scared.
Winter doesn’t mention it again.
But until he’s forced to forget he remembers.
/
Pierce is talking to him but Winter doesn’t listen to him. He knew the man on the bridge. He knows him. He’s sure of it like he hasn’t been sure of anything ever.
Of course Pierce notices and slaps him for his inattention but Winter knew the man on the bridge. He wants to ask Rumlow how that can be. Who the man on the bridge is. But Rumlow is looking to the side arms crossed over his chest.
Only when Pierce gives the order to wipe him does Rumlow look back at him. There’s a strange expression on his face. A mix of regret and sadness.
For a moment their eyes meet and Winter wants. He wants. He can feel the good pain in his chest.
It doesn’t last.
Rumlow’s face is the last thing he sees before he starts screaming.
/
“Hey, Winter”, a man says. He has dark hair and dark eyes and looks familiar even if he cannot remember him.
“Do I know you?” He asks. For some reason the man makes him think of sunshine.
“No”, the man says with a smile but he looks as if he’s hurt. The man walks past him when he asks, “What’s your name?”
“Brock Rumlow”, the man says. “Take care out there.”
/
He wakes up when the driver yells out the last stop. The sun shines so brightly that he has to shield his eyes when he steps off the bus. It’s warm, warmer than he ever remembers being but he can’t take his jacket off yet.
The wind carries the smell of the sea and the cries of sea gulls. Some of it feels familiar even if he cannot remember why. It’s early enough that there aren’t too many people around and no one pays attention to him.
The beach is easy to find. He takes off his jacket, his shoes and socks and stretches out in the warm sand, the constantly crashing waves in his ear. Out here he feels save enough to remember. He knows that when he wakes up he’s alone. He’s never been on his own, not like this. A part of him is scared. But another part is cautiously excited.
He’s no one.
He’s alone.
He’s free.