Looked at your pictures and cried like a baby

by Marsh_Milo

Summary:

Phainon brought Eras Nova! He lifted all his friends curses too! But... why is he still bearing the biggest curse? Did he deserve to be alive? He watched his friends die over and over. He killed them over and over again. Why... do they still care about him?

In other words Phainon struggles with his self worth after everything and the Chrysos Heirs try to help him! Phainon has a lot of issues!

Notes:

This is my first fanfic EVER! ꉂ૮(°□°'˶)ა All feedback is welcome! hopefully the AO3 curse doesn't catch up to me! The freaky stuff will probably be in a later chapter! I wanted to focus on Phainon suffering and running away! Stayed tuned I guess? Also the rating will probably change and tags will probably be added! Anyways! Enjoy! Also title is from "Vodka Cranberry" by Conan Gray!
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/ づ♡

Chapter 1: Speak up! I know you hate me

Phainon was exhausted, He could hardly remember what happened. He remembers the fire, the pain, the agony. He remembers bringing Eras Nova, he remembers the 33550336 cycles, his friends… His friends. Where was he? Where are they?

 

He was on a bed, not his own, in a white room. It smelt clean, very clean like soap and sanitizer. He was in the Twilight Courtyard. The realization hits him. He needed to leave. But, to his luck someone got to him first.

 

“Doot doot!”

 

(Not so little) Ica is floating by him.  How long has it been there? Phainon stares at him speechless. Hoping the “little” creature didn’t see his inner turmoil. Not long after Hyacine pokes her head into the room looking distressed and relief fills her eyes. 

 

“Phainon! You’re awake!” She says excitedly.

 

After all these cycles, the amount of deaths he's caused, how can she still bear to look at me. He thought. He smiles, it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, but it never truly did. 

 

“How long was I… Out?” He questions, immediately grimacing at his voice. It was rough. He couldn’t bear listening to himself. 

 

“Around 2 weeks.” She stated, a bit more seriously. “We…” she stuttered, then cleared her throat. “We didn’t think you’d make it.” Her usually bright smile wasn’t there. How could you do this? You brought her this distress, you should’ve died. He tries to ignore those thoughts. He needed to apologize, he needed to run. 

 

“S-sorry Hyacine!” He tried to sound okay? At best. But he saw Hyacine's frown deepen and he knew he couldn’t fool her. Hyacine shakes her head, disapproving him. Then she sighs. “You know… the others will be very happy to hear about you.” Phainon looks away. He can’t see them. He won’t see them. “Doot Doot!” Hyacine giggles at little Ica, seeing that it agrees. “But before that I need to run some tests! Make sure you're still…” She drifted off. Phainon stopped listening. 

 

“Um… P-Phainon..?” Phainon comes back to reality, he doesn’t utter a word, he barely looks at

Hyacine. He only sees the titan that Hyacine once was. He was scared. He didn’t even realize the tests were done. “You should stay for a couple more days. I’ll check up on you! I’m sure the other Chrysos Heirs will too!” And with that her and little Ica leave him alone. 

 

I can’t see the Chrysos Heirs. They don’t want to see me. He thought. 

It was late into the night, it was dark, Phainon had never seen it before. The eternal sun was no longer eternal. Strange. He’ll leave now, he’ll leave forever. He attempts to stand up. Only to fall. He grimaces at the thump he made, but he gets up, wobbling like a new born fawn. Everyone

should be asleep right now. It was the perfect time for him to leave. He grabs his teleslate and sees all his notifications. He ignores them. They were all probably shaming him anyway. Hyacine was just… doing her job. Yeah. That’s it. 

 

He stumbles out of the room, he’s wearing basic clothes, sweatpants, a hoodie. He passes a mirror and understands Hyacine's concern. He looks awful. His hair is disheveled and matted, and it looks like he has to black eyes, his cheeks were sunk in. His eyes held no light, he looked dead. He wished he was.

 

The walk to his home was uneventful, the cold air was nice on his burning skin. 

 

He enters his home, locks his door, and collapses. When his eyes opened again, the sun was out again. He stared at it like it personally offended him. It did. He picks up his teleslate and sees multiple miscalls from Hyacine. He doesn’t bother replying. 

 

It’s been five days since Phainon came home. He hasn’t left his home. He hasn’t eaten. He hasn’t slept, he’s plagued with nightmares. But he deserves them! He’s killed his friends so many times, he deserves to suffer. He received more messages than he can count, he just doesn’t care. He remains on the ground for a few more hours.

 

A firm knock hits his door. He flinches. He doesn’t move.

 

A second, he still doesn’t move.

 

Then a voice. 

 

“Deliverer! I know you’re in there!”

Mydeimos. He could recognize him by the sound of his footsteps. He’ll leave eventually. I'm not worth this effort, I don’t deserve your care. 

 

“I swear Deliverer I will break your door down.” Phainon holds his breath, but doesn’t make an attempt to move. He’ll leave, you know he will, he wants you dead. Phainon looks at the door, but he stays on the floor. That is until he hears a loud THUD on his door. He panics. He shouldn’t care about me, why is he trying to get to me? 

 

Phainon is suddenly on his feet, a dizzy spell hits him, he doesn’t care. He sprints to the door blocking it with his body. He can’t see you like this, he’ll think you're weak.

 

He hasn’t eaten in days, he knows he can’t fend Mydeimos off for long, but determination has always been his strong suit. A particularly hard thud makes Phainon lose his balance, ass to floor. His head hurts, he tries to blink dark spots out of his vision, when he manages to do so, Mydeimos is standing above him. When had he made it inside?

“ What the fuck do you think youre doing?” Mydeimos scolds him.

 

Phainon looks down trying to come up with something, anything, but his mind goes blank. 

He remembers a time, when he first joined the Chrysos Heirs, Cipher said he was like an alley cat. Despite his very Samoyed like personality and appearance, she was… kinda right?

”you’re kinda like a alley cat you know? You hiss and bite but… you’re really harmless.”

”You know, alley cats, when they’re sick or injured, they find a dark alley and wait to die. You do that.”

I guess she was right.

That was Phainons last thought before he passed out, he saw golden eyes stare at him with concern before everything went blank.

 

Chapter 2: Wailing like an imbecile

Summary:

Basically Phainon realizing his friends don't hate him! But, he doesn't know how'll he'll face them. Good thing Mydeimos is there to help him!

Notes:

Wrote this instead of sleeping fr fr. I hope you enjoy this chapter! Not sure how many i'll do! If you have any recs let me know and i'll try to do them! (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)

Phainon wakes up hazily. He remembers passing out on the floor, but now he's in his bed. Then, it comes back to him. His little mental breakdown in front of Mydeimos. Aw fuck. He hops out of his bed, falling face first into the ground. Or… not? 

 

He had braced himself to feel the ground but it never came. Instead, he feels steady hands around his waist, then he sees the red tattoos accompanying them. He feels sick. Phainon holds his breath as he looks up at Mydeimos, he has a very prominent scowl on his face. 

 

“Phainon.” Mydeimos’ voice is steady yet firm, Phainon doesn’t know what to know so he does the only thing he does know how to do. He’ll pretend he’s ok. 

 

Still in Mydei’s grasp, he musters up the brightest smile he can (It’s dull, it almost looks painful).

“Mydei! W-what are you doing here? Haha..” Phainon knew he fucked up, Mydei’s frown deepened. 

 

“When was the last time you ate?”

 

Fuck he wasn’t going to let him go.

 

“Mydei..” Phainon whined “I will eat, later, not now, maybe tonight..?” He was rambling. But he didn’t deserve Mydei’s care, he deserved this. Phainon wasn’t privileged enough for an answer, instead the hands around his waist moved. One remained at the waist, while the other wandered to his knees. He was hoisted up, like he weighed nothing. 

 

“M-Mydei, what are you doing?!” Phainon sputtered.

“I made food, you are going to eat it.” Mydeimos stated it, not questioned. 

 

“I’m not hungry.”

 

“Bullshit.”

 

Phainon was silent until they made their way to his kitchen. A bag of groceries was there, he hadn’t brought those.

 

“You didn’t have shit here. I’m impressed you made it this far.”

Phainon didn’t grace him with an answer. But his house looked cleaner than before. He stared down at his meal. Pancakes. Big surprise. Phainon hesitated, Mydei was watching him fully. His hands shook, instead of eating he looked up at Mydeimos.

“Um.. I really DO appreciate this but… do you have to watch? You can go do something more important…? Surely there's something better to do.” 

 

He was trying so hard to keep calm but the voice in his head kept getting louder and louder. He hates you, he wants you dead, you don’t deserve to live. They will never forgive you, they will leave you. A hand lands on his shoulder. He flinches. 

“Deliverer, you are the most important thing I could be tending to right now.” Mydei said casually. At that confession Phainon saw red. Liar liar liar liar liar LIAR LIAR LAIR. He wouldn’t accept that. He didn’t need pity. 

 

“FUCK! LIAR WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?” Phainon snapped, Mydei hardly moved, hand still on his shoulder, though it grew firmer, angrier. He remained silent, like he was trying to read him. 

 

Suddenly, both Mydei’s hands were on him, forcing them to be face to face. Golden eyes seething with anger, looking at tired blue ones.

 

“You think I would dumb myself down for you, deliverer?” Phainon hadn’t realized he was crying. “I’M HERE BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU. GET THAT THOUGH YOUR HEAD.” Mydei was yelling now. Phainon had seen him angry before, but not like this. A sob ripped its way out of him. Shaky and vulnerable. He was broken before, but now he is shattered. He had even realized Mydei was saying something to him. 

 

He was hyperventilating. He couldn’t be seen like this, not by Mydei. He tries to curl in on himself but firm hands keep him up right. I wish the ground would consume me . 

 

“Breathe Phainon, I’m sorry.” Mydei whispers to him over and over again. Mydei? Apologizing? He almost couldn’t believe it. Maybe he would’ve teased him about it except for the fact he is currently trying not to pass out from lack of oxygen.  

 

"You can still feel me, can't you? I'm real, I wont leave you." Phainon doesn't realize it, but he's been muttering things under his breathe. His insecurities, how he believes he's undeserving of love. How he doesn't feel real, how he can't comprehend the fact all his friends were alive, that they were okay, and that they were worried about his well-being. 

 

When Phainon comes back to his senses, he’s on the ground, with Mydei, in his lap, clinging to his shoulders. Embarrassment rushes through him. Mydeimos watches him like a hawk, Phainon avoids eye contact. Fuck, he isn’t going to let this go. Pancakes were long forgotten on the table. 

 

“What was your plan? Rot on the floor until you die.”

 

Phainon doesn’t know how to respond, so he opts out of it. Mydei’s caressing the back of Phainon’s head, waiting for a response.

 

“I guess so?” Phainon mutters and Mydei’s brows furrow more. Phainon wants to smooth them out. He doesn’t deserve his concern. 

 

“You know, Hyacine was so stressed when she couldn’t find you.” 

 

Phainon looked at him confused but Mydeimos continued.

“Tribbie, Trianne, and Trinnon are making a bracelet for you.” Phainon knew they were alive, but hearing that made him want to cry again.

 

“Aglea opened her tailor shop, Cipher’s there too, they’re worried about you.” Phainon starts to cry again.

 

“Castorise’s curse was removed. She wanted to hug you, she wanted to feel alive, she wanted you to feel alive. Everyone forgives you.”

 

Phainon doesn’t believe him. Phainon wants to believe him so badly. But he can’t, they’ll be happier without him. Mydei practically picks him off the ground, hauling towards the door. Phainon plants his feet on the ground, he’s not ready to see them.

 

“I’ll be here with you, they miss you, let us help you.” Mydei was softer now, like one wrong move would make Phainon shatter, but that wasn't completely off. 

 

Phainon stills, Mydei grabs his hand, squeezing it, Phainon unwillingly leaves his house, heading towards the bath house. He has to see them alive.

Chapter 3: If you won't end things, I will

Summary:

The other Chrysos Heirs finally show up, but Phainon doesn't deserve their concern. He could handle it! He couldn't, he was going to break.

Notes:

Thank you for all the support!! I don't know if I'll still add smut in this fic, but def in another one! ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡
Any suggestions are welcomed! Enjoy this chapter! I love Castorice and Phainons relationship/friendship!
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Phainon still hadn’t eaten. After Phainon's little breakdown, he had forgotten about the food waiting for him. Mydei’s hand was wrapped tightly around his, it seems he forgot too, he was set on proving Phainon wrong. 

 

They step outside into the warm sun, which would usually feel good on his skin but today? It was getting harder to walk, the lack of, well, anything, was really catching up to him. Mydeimos spared him a few glances since he was stumbling behind, his hand was steading him. 

 

As they started approaching the bath house, the panic Phainon had felt started building up again. They hate you, you kill them over and over again. Phainon stilled. Maybe it was the heat or the panic but he couldn’t handle it. As they walked, people would come up to him. The people he used to help before he became… useless. They offered him words of encouragement, bread, or sometimes they just smiled. It was overwhelming. He offered them his brightest smile, telling them he was okay now. Mydei glared at him. 

 

“We should probably visit Hyacine.” Mydei states.

 

“What? Why? I’m perfectly fine!”

They both knew it was a lie. Phainon regretted saying that the second it came out. Mydei rolls his eyes, already walking to their new destination. This was probably the plan all along. Phainon

doesn’t know if he should sigh a sigh of relief or distress. He knows he's not in good condition but he could handle it! He always has anyways. 

 

But, I guess not right now, because he’s partially being dragged by Mydeimos, his legs won’t cooperate with him. He hears Mydei sigh. Stop being pathetic, you’re being a burden. Phainon is snapped out of his thoughts as he is scooped up again. He lets out a weak sigh, but doesn’t resist. He couldn’t even if he really wanted to. He wraps his arms around Mydei’s shoulders and Mydei lets out a hum. 

 

He probably passed out in Mydei’s arms, the next thing he knows is he’s back in the same room from where he started. He mutters swears under his breath. Mydei’s towering over him, snapping him out of his daze, once again. He hasn’t been talking as much. Have I done something wrong? Well, of course I have but, he could’ve left me, he could’ve watched me die like I have over and over again to him. I deserve it. 

 

“If you keep thinking so hard, you might not wake up next time.” Phainon lets out a little chuckle. Mydeimos was dead serious. Phainon looks down at his hands, the wall behind Mydei, the floor, anywhere but him. He hears a knock at the door, Hyacine. He’s glad it’s her. The door opens

and there she is, but she’s not alone. 

 

Castorice, Aglea, and Tribbie were accompanying her. He freezes, then smiles, it hurts him. But, he doesn’t want them to worry about him. Before he can even start speaking, Mydei beats him to it. 

“He passed out, multiple times, refuses to eat for Aeons know how long, and probably hasn’t slept PROPERLY in years.” Mydei deadpans. 

 

Silence

Phainon’s gut twists. Surely he could cover it up! Maybe Mydei just… caught him at a bad time, or the side effects of the cycles were catching up to him. He looks up ready to relay his “side of the story” (A complete lie) then he stills. They look at him with concern, worry, guilt, and despair. The words never left Phainon’s mouth. 

 

“Snowy… Is that true..?” Tribbie asks. Phainon swallows hard, ever since the curses were lifted, Tribbie was still split into three. Anaxa had said the rest of her was lost to time, only three remain. Alive. 

 

“Ah!” He realized he hadn’t answered her. He panics, for what feels like the nth time today. “O-of course it’s not true!” His smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “You know how Mydei is! He’s just… worried! Over exaggerating!” Mydei scoffs. No one believes him. For good reason, he doesn’t believe in himself. 

 

Tribbie shuffles over to him, hand extending towards him, holding something very tightly. Her hands split open revealing a bracelet. Different hues of blue and yellow. It gorgeous. 

 

“Me, Trianne, and Trinnon made this for you.” She sounds duller, her usual smile in there. Phainon’s heart aches. The room feels heavy, he could cut through the tension. Phainon smiles, a little brighter, and grabs the bracelet. He slides it on his wrist, has he lost weight? He holds it up to admire it. It’s perfect. 

 

“Thank you Tribbie! It’s beautiful.” He smiles gently, the tension shifts. Mydei relaxes a bit beside him. 

 

The tension in Phainon’s shoulders reappears when Aglea asks the unanswered question again, she’s gentle, she seems more human now.

“How long has it been since you’ve taken care of yourself?” All eyes are on him now, he thinks about lying, then he remembers he can’t get anything past any of them, not anymore. 

 

“A week or so..? I can’t really remember. But I assure you I’m alright! Don’t worry about me!”

 

“Bullshit.” Mydeimos states. Not to counter him or anything, just stating Phainon was wrong. Worry reappears back on their faces. They shouldn’t have to worry about me. Hyacine slaps an icepack on his head. When had he gotten so hot? It felt nice. Silence absorbs them.

Everyone looks so much better than before, the flame chase finally not weighing on their shoulders, he doesn’t want to drag them down. They should’ve let him die, they shouldn’t have saved him. 

 

While Hyacine is talking to the other heirs, Castorice comes up to him. She fumbles with her fingers, not saying a word. 

 

Castorice wants to hug you, she wants to feel human, she wants you to feel human. 

 

The words replay in his head, he glances up at her while she’s still trying to find the right words to use. Wordlessly, he reaches his hands out, and embraces her. Nothing happens, just two friends trying to feel human. 

 

“Thank you.” She whispers, then slowly, like Phainon might break, she returns the hug. Tears fall down their face, he doesn’t feel as cold anymore. 

Chapter 4: Speak up, don't leave me waiting

Summary:

He misses his friends and watches them party!! And then gets caught getting his freak on, and then has to face his fears of facing other people. But, his friends are their for him, because of course they are! (This summary sucks so bad I'm so sorry! (• ᴖ •｡ ))

Notes:

Hey... hey guys... been a while (ᵕ ´ ∇ ˋ ˶)
The curse did NOT get me yet!! I've just been real busy with work, so the next chapter might also take a while, sorry
(◞‸◟,)
Anyways!!! Enjoy!!!!

A week has passed since that whole… “inncident”. Phainon was back up, but it came with some consequences. AKA the Chrysos Heirs checking up on him 24/7. At first they were discreet about it, asking him about his day and so on. But now? They show up to his house with food, they bring him care packages, and they’re making him go to “therapy”. It’s not really therapy because Phainon refuses to speak, he just awkwardly sits there. Better than nothing though, am I right? 

 

He still feels like absolute shit though. He IS trying, but maybe he’s not trying hard enough? He’s tired. He’s currently rotting at home, Castorice had just visited him, not for any reason she had said. But, it drained him. Not that talking to her was a chore of course! He loved her, but… talking… right now? He can’t do it. 

 

Being watched is, in the long run, helping him. If they weren’t, let's be honest, he probably wouldn’t be here. It’s not like i’m suicidal or anything! An empty thought. He’d never act on it! The Chrysos Heirs cannot find out about this. But, they wouldn’t miss me anyways, and I am alone right now…

 

No, he won’t let them down. Not again. Also, he can’t tell if he’s really alone. Phainon knows Cipher is somewhere, she’s been following him around since… you know. So, he’ll hold out. Wait till they trust him again, then he’ll… no. He’s gotta stop. 

 

Phainon can hear cheers from outside, quickly pulling him out of his thoughts. Peeking out his window he sees a crowd of people, far too many people. Balloons are hung up, banners too. He remembers Tribbie mentioning a festival for Eras Nova. Guess he forgot it was today. It looks

fun. Aglea told him to “go talk to people, being holed up in your room isn’t doing you any good.” He thought about going out there. But, people asking him about what he did, and then thanking him for it? No chance, he’ll sit this one out. 

 

Being a part of the festival? No. Watching from afar? Absolutely. When the attention moved elsewhere, probably Anaxa drunkenly debating with a child, he stuck out and headed towards the roof tops, the one he and Mydei used to fight on. When have they last sparred? Whatever. He could see Aglea’s new tailor shop, it looked nice, peaceful. He’s happy for her. Business seems to be booming, people are gathered around it. 

 

He can see Castorice, Hyacine, and Cipher checking out a food stand. Cipher has her arms swung around both of them, Castorice looks a little uncomfortable, she’s probably not used to being touched. Hyacine is laughing while Cipher starts pointing to random dishes. It looks like fun. 

 

At this point, he’s probably seen all the Chrysos Heirs, except one. Mydeimos. Honestly, he hadn’t seen him in a while. He probably got sick of me. Or maybe he went somewhere? Why does Phainon miss him? It’s not like they were together or anything. Probably scared him away. Mydei wasn’t a big fan of festivals though, every festival Mydeis been too, was because Phainon dragged him there. He chuckles a little at that thought. 

He’d usually hangout on rooftops, like Phainon was right now… The thought hits him. If Mydei decides to observe the festival, he’d be here. And if Mydei found him here, he’d make him go to the festival. Phainon loved festivals, Mydei knew that about him. But, he couldn’t bring himself to go. 

 

Phainon had been watching his friends for a while, he hadn’t looked up, or even observed his surroundings. Reluctantly, he lifts his head up, and looks around. He knew he wasn’t alone. Fuck. He turns around and meets golden eyes. Double fuck. How long has he been there? They stare at each other, for what feels like 30 years, it was probably 10 seconds. Phainon decides to break the silence. 

 

“How long have you been there?”

 

“Are you not going to join the festivals? They’ve got activities I know you’d enjoy.”

 

Mydei just happens to “avoid” the question, and instead questions Phainon. Phainon rolls his eyes as Mydei sits down beside him. Mydei's hand rests on Phainon's shoulder, it’s warm. They continue to sit in silence, it’s not uncomfortable per se. 

Mydei’s hand moves suddenly, it rests on Phainon’s cheek now, shifting his gaze to Mydei’s face. He looks calm. 

 

“Slap me if you don’t want this.” Mydei whispers into his ear. 

 

He leans in, brushing his lips against Phainons. As if he’s testing the waters. When Phainon doesn’t refuse, he finally presses in for a proper kiss. It was delicate, there was no hunger in it. Phainon didn’t move, he wanted this. His heart is racing, and he could feel his face burning. Without thinking, he grabbed Mydei’s face, and pulled him in for more. This kiss was the complete opposite of the last one. All hunger, Mydei reciprocated, kissing back with even more hunger. 

 

A whistle pulls them out of their… tongue fight. Phainon snaps his head towards the sound to find Cipher, Castorice, Hyacine, and Tribbie standing there. If he was red before, he was purple now. Hyacine's hands were covering Tribbie’s face, probably should’ve been the other way around considering Tribbie was older. Castorice was covering her mouth, her eyes wide. And of course Cipher. She was laughing her ass off.

 

Hyacine spoke first, pulling Phainon out of his trace. “Um… We saw you watching from the rooftops and thought you’d want to join… sorry for um… interrupting…?”

 

Phainon turns to Mydei, wide-eyed, and honestly, they seem to be in the same boat. Both being unable to form a coherent thought. Cipher. Still laughing, decides to add on. 

“You… you know you looked pretty lonely up here. Thought you’d want to join us. Seems you were busy with Mr. “I don’t like Phainon.” She’s still laughing her ass off, and Mydei turns impossibly more red. 

 

“You guys should totally still join us! The more the merrier!” Tribbie says after Hyacine finally moves there hands. Trying to avoid more embarrassment, Phainon springs up, still glowing red.

 

“Let’s go guys! The festival won’t wait for us!” Phainon says walking towards the stairs. Everyone knows he’s trying to avoid this conversation. They still play along, heading down to the activities, now Phainon has to face his fears, head on, AND with the added embarrassment of what just happened. 

 

Mydei also just so happens to never leave his side, not once did he stray.