Chapter Text
The blue light of the computer was starting to sting my eyes.
I was tired, overwhelmed, but above all, numb.
There wasn’t a better alternative to work for me. Yet, work wasn't making me feel better too.
I was counting the minutes until the end of the shift, though I had nothing waiting for me afterward.
I’d only return to my tiny, claustrophobic, box-shaped apartment; eat just enough to stay alive, if I even felt like it, and fall asleep staring at the ceiling.
Or maybe I’d lie in bed, lost in the thoughts that refused to leave me alone until dawn.
At least, I felt some what useful at work.
Still, I kept counting down the seconds to escape.
I was constantly dissatisfied.
Even my sence of time had started to blur. Yesterday’s afternoon melted in today’s, and I couldn’t remember what happened on which day anymore. Because they were all the same. Nothing really changed except a few minor details.
Same bed, same home, same subway, same office, same desk, same computer, same emails, same documents, same people... Same, same, same...
Even while I suffer inside, my expression remained the same.
Forget being happy, I couldn’t even remember the last time I was truly angry.
I had become emotionless. Like a robot.
This numbness had been clinging to me for weeks.
Or was it months? I wasn’t sure.
To be honest, I couldn’t even remember when it all began.
And yet, when I first passed the interview and started this job, I was filled with motivation and drive. I burned with the desire to meet new people and improve myself.
Now, I had grown distant even from the little friendships I once had. Forget improving myself, if I managed to eat something, I felt like I’d achieved something extraordinary.
This monotony was killing me inside out.
Seconds dragged by.
I felt trapped in a time loop.
The moment the minute hand hit the hour, I grabbed my bag and bolted out of the building.
I was overwhelmed, suffocated, drowning, almost.
I left the skyscraper behind and walked away without looking back.
The sky mirrored my mood: cloudy and dark.
Autumn said goodbye to the sun and sent it home long ago. But I still had a long way to go before reaching mine.
I stood in the metro, packed shoulder-to-shoulder with the post-work crowd. As always, I arrive at the same time, in the same metro.
It was loud, as usual.
So was my mind.
Strangely, I had no idea what I was even thinking.
It was like static-crackling radio signals overlapping in my head.
Never stopping.
Just like the people around me.
I stared out the window. Zoned out.
My legs and eyes throb with exhaustion.
If I lay down, I might sleep for days, but falling asleep had become impossible.
As the stops passed by, I kept watching the streets, the city.
When my station came, muscle memory kicked in, and I stepped off on autopilot.
I blankly watched the train disappear, then headed home with that same dull numbness.
I lived in an old building in the city center, older than I was.
Finding a place close to work had been hard.
I still had to take the metro, but at least I didn’t have to transfer lines.
I climbed the stairs swearing under my breath, too numb to feel the fatigue.
My body was dull, my mind withered from overuse.
The inside of my apartment was dark, cold, airless...
Just like me.
Even when I turned on the lights, the room didn’t warm up, didn’t come to life.
Even when I turned on the heater, it didn’t feel warm.
It reflected my soul too well.
My briefcase dropped next to the door, ready for the same hour tomorrow.
My coat took its place on the rack.
My clothes left my body, replaced by heavy layers of homewear.
Freeing myself from that shirt buttoned till my throat and suffocating tie brought me a small, fleeting relief.
Now I was in bed, lying on top of the covers.
Alone.
Silent.
So silent,
I could hear my heart pumping blood through my body.
My ears buzzed.
It was driving me mad.
I stared at the ceiling feeling empty and blank.
I struggle with my thoughts until I passed out from exhaustion.
I thought about how meaningless my life felt.
Or maybe unnecessary.
Or tiring.
Or lonely.
I remembered the days when I used to be happy.
There weren’t many people in my life back then either, but at least there were some people to care about me, and I care about them.
Old day memories are coming back to me.
All my friends, my family, everyone drifted away...
Maybe I pushed them away.
I didn’t remember clearly.
I just knew that things used to be easier.
I wasn’t 'that' happy but I wasn’t this broken either.
My life is entirely full of dissatisfaction.
With my work, my meals, my clothes, my home...
And everything was held together by such a fragile rope,
it kept me away from falling apart, just enough to endure,
yet it's enough to make me feel worse than shit.
Eventually, like always, I chose to accept it and endure.
Everything in my life always went on “as usual.”
Because fighting back, stepping out of that line that just... wasn’t me. I guess I was a coward.
Thoughts swirled through my head right before sleep took me.
I asked myself:
Will there ever be a day I can be happy, without worrying about tomorrow?
As my eyes closed, a single tear slid down my cheek and soaked into my pillow.