Chapter Text
When Jake opens his eyes, he's home.
He raises a hand, pushing a few stray hairs out of his face as the wind sweeps over the island. In the distance he can see the massive spire of the volcano, a slight red glow cresting the peak. It contrasts marvelously against the endless blue of the sky, the green of the island, the rich, deep brown of the earth. He wipes sweat from his forehead, smudging the lenses of his specs, but it's nothing that a bit of spitshine won't fix once he has a chance to sit down and get his bearings. It's the middle of summer, or close, and the sun reflects off the water like a glistening mirror.
In the middle of the sky there's a fat, fluffy white cloud. It's shaped sort of like a dog, one of those big, fluffy white ones that he remembers Grandma pointing out to him in books. She used to have a dog just like this, she used to say. She'd always look a little sad. She'd loved that dog. His name was Halley and he was the best hound a girl could have asked for, right up until that monstrous hag speared him through and left him for me to find. A malamute. Maybe part husky. Wolflike and shaggy and massive.
There's a dog exactly like that standing on the ridge of one of the green, grassy hills. He can't see its eyes from here, just the stripe of its tongue, as green as the hills, lolling out of its toothy mouth.
Green.
He's never seen dog monsters on his island before, though he's always wondered if they exist and if they'd be any less horrendous than the other beasties he has to deal with day in and day out. The dog has noticed him for sure and its pure-white tail wags once, a pale banner against the green and blue, and then it starts forward. Jake's instinct, taught by years of bad encounters, is to run, but before he can so much as blink, the forward bound of the dog has turned into something else. Something that sets fire blazing at the inside of his eyes, green as the dog's tongue, green as the hills around him, green as – something that he can't place, that he can't name. And then the dog is right in front of him. Less than a pace away.
A voice he doesn't recognize shouts a word he doesn't recognize, and the beast is upon him. He tries to fight back, but his limbs don't respond and the beast's mouth is open wide, displaying every one of those sharp, jagged white teeth. Its eyes are as green as its tongue. As green as the fire that burned against Jake's eyelids. The beast overwhelms him and he falls backward to the ground, terrified, straining to fight with a body that won't listen.
It licks him.
It's not the lick of a animal sizing up prey -- which is what he's used to, from more scraps with the monsters than he likes to think about. Instead, it's the lick he's watched countless dogs in movies give to their owners. Welcome home, I missed you. Enough that Jake feels like he ought to reward the thing with a biscuit as it keeps licking, furiously, over cheeks full of stubble and a bristly mustache just below his nose and he's beginning to realize something about this is completely wrong even though he doesn't know how or why.
When Jake opens his eyes, he's home.
He stares at the grey ceiling of the house he claimed as his, but the vivid, almost tangible reality of the dream he just had is already fading. Still, he's not sure he can forget that green-eyed dog anytime soon, even though it's probably some sort of jumbled attempt by his mind to piece together his grandmother's – erm, situation – with the life he lived before. Grandmother? Granddaughter? Jade. He settles on Jade.
His phone buzzes on his bedside table and he has to smother the instinctive terror that comes along with it. When he fumbles for the damned thing, it tells him that it's 10:37 a.m., which means this is the latest he's slept in since – ever, possibly. Before the game, for certain. There's a half-dozen missed messages piling up on Pesterchum, though a couple are from after he fell asleep last night. He thumbs through the others as he sits up, feeling his unruly hair poking out at an even stranger angle than usual. One from Jade checking in as to whether today was going to be another alone day. A couple from Roxy. Even one from Jane.
He really tries not to let his heart sink when not a single one of them is from Dirk.
I was the one who said I wanted to take some time to think things over, he reminds himself. The problem with all of that was that by “some time” he hadn't meant a full dratted month without so much as a squeak. Not even word one. He hasn't even seen Dirk out and about, and it's not like the little town they're living in is that big, either. Roxy estimated it was even smaller than the compound her house had been in, and it hasn't grown a lot during the last month. The carapace folk don't exactly have the benefit of a god of time at their disposal, like the rest of them.
Roxy is asking the same thing as Jade. He opens up the conversation, dallies a bit before he reads it. Combs his hair, phone perched on the sink. Brushes his teeth. And then, when he's finally good and ready, sits back down and answers.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT]
TG: yo jakey
TG: jakey jakey eggs n bakey
TG: when youre upsies or whatever give me a ping ok
TG: jane n callie n me are makin plans and need 2 know if ur comin out into the daylight today
TG: or if its another “jake english marathons lotr” kind of day
TG: anyways
TG: lemme know
GT: Good gracious rox i was thinking id come along but then you had to go and mention lord of the rings.
GT: Temptation is a wily mistress and her name is galadriel!
GT: You know cate blanchett actually won some awards for that even though she got snubbed for the oscar.
GT: Snubbed!
TG: jake u are lucky to b talking to the single one of ur friends who knows who galadriel even is
TG: well janey might know and dirk probably knows all like "theoretically"
TG: but its not relevant enough of dumb cultural artifacts so it aint like he cares
TG: anyway imma use my voidy powers to snatch ur attentions back
TG: all roguish like
TG: waggles fingers mystically
TG: wait shit
TG: *waggles fingers mystically*
TG: with the asterix for my buddy j e
GT: *double pistols and a wink!*
GT: I do say you can hardly waggle those mystical fingers of yours without a few stars flying isnt that right.
GT: Anyway whats on the agenda for today?
TG: idk we were gonna just hang out i think
TG: didnt want u to feel left out
TG: youve been all like quiet and shy lately and i know thats just the english way but
TG: i ALSO know the english way is to get worried about nobody else talkin 2 u
TG: so here i am
TG: talkin
GT: Thats mighty fine of you rox and you know i appreciate the thought.
GT: I mean that with all my heart honestly.
GT: But i dont think im feeling up to it today?
The phone lingers without a response for more time than seems necessary. Jake has to smother the thought that Roxy's offended. She said she was with Jane and Callie. Maybe she's talking to them. But the silence stretches out and maybe Jake's just grown too much like Dirk, with his endless need to fill even the most comfortable of silences, because his fingers hurry to type out his next message.
GT: Its not about you so please dont think it is!
GT: Truth be told i just didnt sleep very well and i might crawl right back into the sack for a little more shuteye.
TG: jake
GT: We could maybe do something later today instead? Once ive got my head on straight and all you know me rox.
TG: jake calm down
TG: its fine
TG: i was just talkin to callie and jane
GT: Phew. *wipes forehead with kerchief*
TG: did you have nightmares? or are u sick as a dog and lying in hopes i wont surprise void up some chix soup for ur ass
GT: Nightmares might be the best way to put it!
GT: Though the dreams werent technically all that big of humdingers.
GT: I dont know roxy id like to just take a little time to think them over is all.
GT: Youre sure thats all right?
TG: jake what is all right 4 u is all right 4 me
TG: were 3 hot girls we can entertain ourselves just fine
TG: tho youll be missin out
TG: ;) ;) ;)
GT: And right disappointed i am to do so!
GT: Thanks though roxy youre a gem.
TG: feel better jake
Normally, Jake would leave it at that. Set down his phone, flip through his movies until he finds a winner, and immerse himself in cinema for the rest of the day as he lets the odd dream settle to the back of his mind, eventually to be forgotten entirely. But today ... He chews his lip. His fingers are already pecking out his next message.
GT: One more thing though if you dont mind.
GT: Have you seen strider around?
TG: you havent?
TG: damn im gonna give him hell for u
TG: hes up and about and has been for a while
TG: that said i think hes with dave right now so he might be busy
Sometimes, it's been hard not to be jealous of Dirk's brother. It's not even that Jake wants what they have. Dirk attempting to make Jake his emotional pack mule was hard enough even before they were living in a new world together. But he's beginning to feel all right with maybe being a bit of an emotional caddy, instead. Just taking a little of Dirk's load.
He worries a little about Dave, honestly. If Dirk loads him up with expectations and fears anywhere like he did to Jake, then Jake knows it's not exactly a good experience. Still -- it's hard not to look at Dave and think, he used to go to me with this stuff.
GT: Gotcha rox ill just drop him a message or two and be on my way.
GT: After so many messages from him back in the game my phone is feeling a little empty thats all.
TG: um
GT: Haha just a little joke you know how it is.
GT: Sorry it was probably sort of in bad taste huh.
TG: mebbe
TG: lil bit
GT: Well in any case ill be off i suppose.
GT: Send jane and callie my love.
TG: sure
TG: jake?
TG: i know this shouldnt need saying given how it worked out between u
TG: and trust me ive said the same thing 2 him
TG: even though he apparently hasnt even talked 2 u
TG: what a shithead
TG: but
TG: well
TG: try not to be too rough on him
GT: *crosses heart*
GT: Scouts honor ms lalonde.
TG: i dont think u usually cross hearts when u say scouts honor
TG: oh well who tf cares
TG: talk 2 u later jakester
Well, and that was that, wasn't it? From here on, it rests on Jake's shoulders. He can't make Roxy go talk to Dirk for him, though apparently she's planning to do just that at some point. He thumbs through his other messages. He can't pester Jane; she's with Roxy and would know immediately what he's really there for. He debates sending her a hello just for the sake of it, but his heart sinks and he decides he'd rather not have to face her assuming that he's only there to talk out his issues again.
A month and he's still scared of that.
He sighs. He can bug Jade later, he decides. Sometimes a man's got to do what a man's got to do. Put his head down and charge on forward. Even though he really, really doesn't want to.
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]
GT: Howdy strider i do hope im not interrupting anything.
GT: Dont feel the need to get distracted with me if youre with your brother!
GT: I just wanted to pop by and say hi today is all.
GT: Its been a while and i was thinking ...
GT: Maybe youd like to come over for a bit?
GT: We could watch some flicks if you like i still have all of your brothers films lined up and ready.
GT: Erm uh that is.
GT: Your other brothers?
GT: This whole family situation has made everything so confusing.
GT: *Rubs temples*
No response.
Usually by now Dirk would be talking his ear off. Or, well, typing it off. Dirk has never been too softspoken and especially not so in text. Jake hopes that maybe he's just off with Dave, or away from his phone. Shades. Ha, when is Dirk ever away from his shades? He chews on his lip, heart sinking.
GT: I suppose you must be off doing something and thats just fine really.
GT: But if you see this later today would you give me a ring?
GT: Its been a while like i said and i just was hoping we could catch up.
GT: I bet you and your brother have come up with all sorts of rhymes and the like id love to hear.
GT: ...
GT: *Rocks on his feet*
Was that really necessary? Now he looks desperate.
GT: Well anyway just let me know if youd like to come around.
GT: Ill have snacks all at the ready!
TT: No.
He's expecting the response so little that he jumps. Actually physically jerks a bit in his shoes.
GT: Well thats fine buddy i heard that you were busy with your brother!
GT: Maybe tomorrow then?
TT: No, Jake.
TT: It's a bad idea.
TT: Enjoy your movies. The Movey was always my favorite if you're looking for a recommendation.
GT: Okay strider thanks for the tip.
GT: Talk to you again soon!
-- timaeusTestified [TT] is now an idle chum! --
GT: ... :(
He had expected the no, but he hadn't expected the bluntness attached to it. Dirk has always had blunt tendencies, so maybe Jake should have seen it coming, but as it is ...
He tries to flood out the hollowness. Dirk is probably still upset with him. He'd still be upset, if he were in Dirk's shoes. But even if their conversation on the lily pad was tense and uncomfortable, and even if Jake had requested a little bit of time, he'd hoped ...
Well, what's the use of dwelling on it.
Jake drops Jade a quick message but sets his phone down on his bed before he can see if she's going to reply. Just a simple request to talk and an acknowledgment that he is indeed staying in for the day. He retreats to his shelf of movies -- thank god for still having access to alchemiters -- and shuffles through them. Out of spite or maybe just hurt, he avoids the Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff section entirely, even though THE MOVEY is sticking out like the bright yellow, poorly-antialiased Comic Sans it is. He lands on the section where he keeps his favorites, skips over Avatar toward the ones that always get his eyes stinging, and picks up a few, pushing the first into the DVD player without even looking at the label.
Homeward Bound.
This one is more of a cathartic cry movie than much else, but he still settles down onto his bed with a sigh.
Everyone else had wanted to live with people. With their new families. Get to know them. Jake ... Jake had wanted the safety of his little round room back. He couldn't exactly have that, but he did take one of the smaller buildings, keep it all to himself. Some of the others had glanced at him, but Jade had cheerily moved in next door in a house of her own as well, and that had settled it. Close enough that Jake could seek her out when he was feeling alone; far enough that he had his own bed, his own room, his own little house with his things that, when he was feeling overwhelmed, he could retreat to.
Watching Homeward Bound makes him regret it, a little bit. Seeing the warmth of the family living together. The way they love each other, the way they love their pets. Jake thinks about the dog from his dream, green-eyed and wild, and his heart aches. Maybe he can talk to Jade and Roxy about getting a dog. Though it's probably much more complicated to create than even a troll egg.
By the time Shadow is climbing over the hill, he's in tears, and he takes a good ten minutes after the credits roll to just let himself recover. Then it's on to the next movie.
The Time Traveler's Wife.
He's watched this one a lot less, but it still makes him cry. By the end of the movie he's always beside himself with how much they love each other. It's probably a mistake. The more it goes on, the more he's caught up once again in thoughts of how much things went wrong between him and Dirk, and how they might have been able to have something like that if he'd tried harder. That same old fear that he won't ever feel anything that deep, that all-encompassing, surfaces less than half through the movie, and never goes away, watching the leads with what he knows must be envy.
He doesn't take any time to recover from this one. He already knows what the next movie in the row is, and he's already biting down on his lip as Brokeback Mountain starts up onscreen.
He hasn't had anything to eat, aside from a bag of chips he had nearby and chowed down on throughout Homeward Bound. It doesn't matter. His stomach is raw with fear and regret and terror that Dirk will never forgive him and the minute Heath Ledger reaches out for that shirt's collar and says "I swear, Jack," Jake does the unthinkable and doesn't bother to watch the credits.
He whirls around and finds his phone, sitting on his pillow. Tears are streaming down his cheeks and there's definitely snot trailing from his nose and it is probably the least pretty he's looked since he was in prison on Derse. He's half expecting Dirk's stupid brain phantom to pop out of nowhere and deride him for it. But there's no sign of him and that makes him even more upset, because maybe Dirk is so upset with him that even his splinters won't speak to Jake. And wouldn't he just friggin deserve that! Tears drip onto his phone. He doesn't bother to wipe them away. Too busy typing. His fingers are probably flying over the keyboard faster than Dirk's ever did.
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]
GT: Youre probably not even there but i just had to say it before i let it swim away again just like i always do.
GT: I dont know if youre still mad at me or if youre always going to be mad at me but if you are id understand dirk i really would.
GT: But i dont want to just sit here with my thumb up my bum letting it be when its killing me.
GT: Are we just never going to talk again dirk?
GT: Is this how everything ends between us?
GT: Im not saying we have to be gung ho to the max again right away but doesnt it just frigging eat at you?
GT: Strider.
GT: Dirk.
GT: I miss you.
There's no response. Fucking silly to even wait for one. Jake sniffs loudly, wipes miserably at his eyes, and, disgusted at himself, flings himself down into his bed and cries until his eyes are so sore and puffy that he doesn't think he's even physically capable of crying anymore.
His phone's message light is on.
He picks it up, squinting at it with sore eyes. Did he turn off the message noise for his movies? He must have. That, or he's just been crying too loudly to hear it.
TT:
TT: I
TT: Miss you too.
TT: But you have to trust me on this.
TT: We can't do this right now, all right?
TT: You'll thank me eventually.
TT: I'll explain it to you when I can.
TT: And Jake?
TT: I'm really sorry.
TT: For everything.
-- timaeusTestified [TT] has logged off!--
It ought to make him feel better.
It only makes him feel ten times worse.
Sorry! Not sorry enough to stick around and let Jake talk to him. Isn't that just like Dirk Strider, impossible to reach even after the stupid hell game is over and they're supposedly living in peace. He flings his phone down; it bounces on the floor once and then clatters away. Then he throws himself back into his bed and wishes he could just cry himself back to sleep, back to his island, even back to the dream island with the green-eyed dog.
He's too sore and dried up to cry any longer, but he does hiccup and sob his way into sleep eventually.
The dog is there.