Chapter Text
It was peaceful here, calm, despite all of the murmured chaos and hurried feet that carried to him on the cool breeze. The clear blue sky allowed dappled sunlight to dance across the forest floor, as the limbs of the canopy above swayed in synchronicity with the wind, always dancing, but never touching.
“Hey, Buck.”
He’d heard Steve approaching, of course. Steve had never quite mastered the fluidity of movement and silent footfalls that Bucky had had ingrained in him through brute force. That was probably a good thing, really.
“Hey, Steve.”
Bucky flashed him a small smile, but he knew Steve could see that it hadn’t quite reached his eyes. Steve had always been able to read him like a book.
“I’m fine, really,” Bucky assured him, clapping him on the shoulder and looking up to the sky again. But the peaceful moment had passed, like all of the fleeting moments of respite he had ever managed to seize.
“Buck, c’mon. Talk to me.”
Bucky considered this for a moment. All of the words that he wanted to say, words that he had bitten from his tongue for years, feelings he had ruthlessly trampled into the darkest, furthest recesses of his psyche, swirled like an EF5 tornado through his mind. Instead, he fell back onto his tried and true method of deflecting. Old habits die hard.
“You’re going back soon?”
“Yeah, in about twenty minutes. Bruce is just getting things set up.” Steve turned and looked back through the trees to where Bruce was working away at his computer. When he looked back, he could see the way tension pinched at the corners of Bucky’s eyes and mouth, the way his jaw flexed. “But I’ll be back before you even know I’m gone, pal.”
“You should stay,” It had escaped from between Bucky's lips before he even knew that he was forming the words. He had spent the last few hours trying to dissect the exact way to approach this, to gently manipulate Steve into acceptance.
“I swear, Buck, I’ll only be gone a minute. I’ll be right back.” Steve smiled at him, all earnest and heartfelt. God, he loved that smile. But he had to do this. Steve would never come to this decision on his own. He took a long, slightly shaky breath and clenched his jaw, trying to find the resolve.
“No, Steve. You should go back, and you should stay there.”
Steve’s brow furrowed in confusion, with a look of hurt blooming like a bruise behind his eyes. Hurting Steve made Bucky’s gut roil and his heart ache with each thumping beat against his ribs, but once he had said the words aloud, he knew that it was the right thing to do.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you…” He paused, running a hand through his hair, trying and failing to find the words. He pushed on, “You spent the first twenty-five years of your life never knowing if you’d see your next birthday. More time in the hospital than out of it.” He couldn't meet Steve’s eyes, couldn’t risk him reading his face and seeing the way that his heart was shattering. “And after the serum, you were thrown straight into the middle of a war. Then you woke up from the ice and everyone you loved was gone, and you just…threw yourself into one fight after another. When are you gonna actually live , Steve?”
Steve looked at him like he’d just been slapped. Bucky could feel his resolve waning. This was killing him; he wanted him to stay. With him. But Steve deserved so much more.
“You’re not making any sense, man. What are you trying to say?”
“You know what I’m saying. I’m saying go and live a life. Take your girl out for that dance you promised her. Settle down, have the family you always wanted. Live .” Bucky’s voice almost cracked in the last word, his breaths harsh and short in his chest, but his resolve solidified.
“Bucky, no. Don’t…Don’t say that shit. I’m not gonna leave you!” Steve looked horrified, angry, almost. Stupid punk didn’t know it was for his own good.
“Steve, please. You’ve given up everything for me. You gave up the shield. You broke the law, several of them in fact. You ruined your reputation. You fought with Tony,” there went his voice again, cracking on the name, “You broke up your family, the Avengers, for me. I owe you, for all of it. For saving me, for not giving up on me, I wouldn’t…” A stone had become firmly lodged in his throat, and his eyes were burning. He cleared his throat. “I wouldn’t be here without you. But I’m not your responsibility anymore. You got me here, I can take it the rest of the way. I need to do this myself now.”
“So, what? You can’t do that if I’m here? Buck, c’mon.”
Steve had grabbed him now, by his elbow. The warm press of Steve’s hand to his arm threw a shiver up Bucky’s spine. He wanted nothing more than to turn to Steve, pull him in, and never let go. But he owed him this. This was something he could do, to start repaying that infinite debt.
“I want you to have a life. You deserve to have a life, not be stuck here taking care of a former brainwashed assassin and trying to save a world that doesn’t even know who you really are anymore. I’ve got this from here. I’ll be okay. And the rest of them - what’s left of the Avengers, and the Wakandans - they’ll keep the world safe for you.”
Steve eyebrows were drawn down in consternation, but Bucky could see that the idea was starting to appeal to him. He just had to tip him over the line.
“Please, Steve. You can go and live a whole life, marry Peggy, have a couple kids, get a dog. You’ve done enough for this world, for me , now it’s your turn.”
Steve was looking at him, the indecision between loyalty to his best friend and the desire for a real life - away from fighting, away from the constant pressure that came with the name and the shield, away from the chaos that had reigned over their lives for the better part of a century - he could see that Steve was struggling to deny the appeal of it. Bucky saw the cracks and went for the kill.
“And like you said, you’ll be back in a minute. Just…a little older, and hopefully wiser. And I’ll come visit you in the nursing home.”
Bucky smiled at him, hoping that it was convincing enough to reach his eyes this time.
“I can’t just leave you here on your own...” Hesitation showed in Steve’s eyes and the fine lines of concern that radiated across his temples and brow. “Come back with me?” The look on Steve’s face was all naivety and childlike hopefulness, and it almost broke through Bucky’s defences, until reality brought him crashing back down to earth.
“With a metal arm?” Bucky gave him a rueful smile. “I don’t belong there anymore,” he shook his head, “And I’d only weigh you down. If you won’t do it for yourself, then do it for me, it’s all I’ve ever wanted for you - a chance to be happy. I’ll be okay, I promise.”
Steve could always read him, and the look he gave Bucky now, of resignation, defeat, let him know that Steve had seen the steadfast determination in his eyes. Bucky wasn’t going to go, but he was going to insist that Steve did. Everyone had always thought that Steve was the stubborn one, and he was to a degree, but he had nothing on Bucky Barnes once he’d set his mind on something. He was an immovable object to Steve’s unstoppable force.
“If…if something happens and I don’t make it back, will you promise me that you won’t shut yourself away? That you’ll reach out to people, let people in. Let Sam help you, please, he’s a good man, I trust him.”
“Of course.” Bucky replied, turning his face upwards to look at the canopy again, so that Steve couldn’t read the lie.
“Will you take the shield for me, when I get back?”
Bucky was blindsided by the question; he hadn’t even considered the shield. The mantle of Captain America. They belonged to Steve, and it had never occurred to him that they could be transferable. But he quickly shook his head.
“Nah, man. I’m just…I can’t take on that kind of responsibility, y’know. I’m sorry, I just…”
“Of course, shit, I’m sorry I asked. You don’t need that over your head. Not right now.”
“How about you hold onto it, and I think by the time you get back, you’ll know who to give it to. I know you’ll find the right person, make the right choice.”
Steve looked at him, the unshed tears in his eyes mirroring Bucky’s own.
“I’m gonna miss you, buddy.”
“Me too, Stevie.”
“No way, pal, you'll see me in a minute,” He said it with such confidence and assuredness that Bucky almost, almost believed it. But he knew deep down that even if Steve returned, things would never, could never, be the same. There would be decades and a whole lifetime of experiences that would separate them forever.
Steve wrapped a hand around the back of Bucky’s neck and drew him into a fierce hug. He felt Steve’s heart beat against his own, in sync, just like their breathing. He wanted nothing more than to stay in that moment forever, and gripped onto him just a fraction tighter, before Steve eventually pulled back, and Bucky let him slip through his vibranium fingers.
Watching Steve walk back through the clearing to the lake, Bucky felt as though his heart had stopped beating. Broken, irreparable. There was no air in his lungs, and no blood pumping through his veins. He was nothing more than a million shattered pieces assembled into the vague shape of a man. But somehow, he was still painfully alive.