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“What is happening to the world?!” Sirius yelled as he ran his hands through his hair, tangling the curls horribly in the process.
James, in a similar predicament, was lying face down into his bed. Sirius barely heard the ‘I have no idea’ that was muttered into the cushions.
The Triwizard Tournament. A lovely event that brought witches and wizards all over the world together for a bit of friendly competition. This year, the games were hosted at their very own Hogwarts.
Sirius stopped thinking it was lovely the second Dumbledore had announced that no one under the age of seventeen could put their name in the cup. James had agreed. It was total rubbish.
And to make matters worse even worse, the Triwizard Tournament didn’t only bring pretty girls from Beauxbatons Academy of Magic and hot, big muscled boys from Durmstrang Institue, but a ball. A bloody ball.
Now, being raised in the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black, Sirius knew proper ballroom etiquette, okay? The grandmother’s of his family were very impressed with his waltzing, thank you very much. All of these factors, on top of his charming personality and his beautiful, androgynous looks that got attention from both men and women alike, getting a date should be the easiest thing he’s ever done.
So why does he, two weeks before the ball, still not have a date?
His and James’ egos were straight up bruised.
James, very similarly to Sirius, came from a rich, pure blood family with dashing good looks and a charming smile that had girls swooning at every turn. Not to mention, he was fantastic at Quidditch and was the youngest player on their team in just their second year.
The pair of them had had people falling at their feet since day one. Literally since day one. Of their first year.
So, yeah, clearly neither of them were faring well with the rejection. Who can blame them? Sirius Black and James Potter had never been rejected in their lives! Look at them!
When McGonagall had first announced the ball, Sirius and James had laughed, bumping their fists together in pre-victory while Remus rolled his eyes so hard next to them Sirius was sure his eyes would rolls out of his head. They hadn’t asked anyone those first few days, waiting for the ladies (and gentleman) to come to them first. Because pfft, they were bloody James Potter and Sirius Black. They didn’t chase. They attracted, obviously.
So when a few days had passed and no one was falling at their feet during passing and lunch, they were thoroughly confused. Remus and Peter, ever so clever, laughed at their expressions so hard that milk nearly spewed out of their noses, the little shits. Sirius was sure they were getting a right kick out of this.
A bit disgruntled but not hopeless, they first sucked up their pride and realized they would just have to charm the people of Hogwarts and Beauxbatons and Durmstrang themselves.
Before that, they went up to Mary and Lily during class change , asking the two to be their dates. The girls were silent for a second before looking at each other before bursting out laughing and walking to their class, Mary waving her fingers at them in a wave over her shoulder in a tantalizing manner. “Plenty of fish in the sea, eh, Prongs?” He’d said after.
Not yet deterred by the rejection of the two lovely ladies, they decided they just had to up their game. The beautiful women of Beauxbatons. Because obviously two people who knew Sirius and James as well as Lily and Mary did were sure to reject them, but ladies from abroad? Totally clueless. The plan was foul proof.
Yeah, that had ended just as bad. While they (most of them) didn’t laugh in Sirius and James’ faces, they had still kindly rejected the two boys and said they were already going with somebody else.
“It’s like nobody has any taste anymore!” Sirius cried out exasperatedly and ran his hands over his face, flopping onto his own bed.
Remus, who sat against his headboard, doing homework, shook his head in disappointment. “Maybe the two of you are losing your charm,” he said dryly.
Sirius sat right back up, clutching his chest. “Your words are hurtful, Moony. They hurt people.”
Remus only flipped him off, not even sparing him a glance.
Sirius stood up with a huff and new found determination. He couldn’t let Remus think he was some charmless loser. He had to redeem himself.
“Prongs, we’re never getting dates if we stay in our bloody room. Let’s move!”
James groaned into his mattress before turning his head to the point where Sirius could actually hear the words coming out of his mouth. “Have a humiliation fetish, do you?”
Sirius only yanked him up by his shirt. “You’ll thank me at the dance when you’re dancing with the hottest girl the wizarding world has to offer!”
Sirius forced James out of the room, completely oblivious to the way Remus clutched his quill so hard it snapped.
—————————
A whole week later and nothing to show for it.
By now, all of the good ones had already gone, paired up with somebody else because apparently that’s what happens when you’re desirable, not that Sirius would know.
Merlin, it was so bad that Sirius Black himself was beginning to self-deprecate. The world might be ending.
“I’m telling you, even if she already has a date, you just gotta be so charming that she’ll leave him just for you!” Sirius whispered yelled during a study hall, the teacher always demanding complete silence. Sirius was pretty sure it was because he was hungover all the time.
James tapped his quill to his chin. “Reckon I can? Do it, I mean? And succeed?”
“You’re James bloody Potter, of course you can—“ Sirius must have said a little too loudly as the teacher shoved his head in warning. Remus snickered.
James’ face fell. “I dunno, mate. I’d feel bad cheating a guy out of his date,” and damn James Potter for his sensitive heart. It ruined his bad boy persona. Truly, it did.
Sirius sighed. “Well…I mean, at least we’re not the only ones without dates. I mean, look at Peter!”
James opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by Remus. “It might interest you to know that Peter’s already got someone,” he whispered, voice clipped.
James and Sirius stared with their mouths wide open. “What?!” Another shove to his head. Damn this guy, really.
“Now I’m really depressed,” Sirius groaned as pushed his fingers through his hair.
Remus had looked back down, making it look like he had nothing to do with their little outburst, only speaking again when he knew he wouldn’t get caught, the sly bastard. “Don’t act so surprised. Peter’s a nice guy, why wouldn’t someone want to go with him?”
James’ mouth closed but Sirius huffed. “Since when do girls like nice guys, huh? Never! Since literally never!”
After that aggravating bit of news, Sirius glared down at the paper he was doing for Potions, hoping it would take his mind off the matter. He glanced over at Remus’ for inspiration.
That is, until an idea popped into his head. Obviously! Why didn’t he think of it before?!
“Say, Remus,” Sirius whispered. “You don’t have a date either…”
Remus narrowed his eyes and quickly averted them when he saw their professor make their way to them, slapping the back of Sirius and James’ heads one more, James whinging about I didn’t even say anything!
“Well, it’s one thing for a rich, handsome bloke like me to show up alone, but for our poor, awkward Moony, it’s just sad.” It was a poor attempt at a joke and he registered the exact moment it fell flat when he saw the face Remus made at him.
Remus’ brows furrowed angrily, his voice definitely loud enough for the professor to hear, but no one wanted to punish goody-two-shoes Remus, the damn teacher’s pet. “I won’t be going alone because, believe it or not, someone’s asked me.”
Sirius’ eyes widened in surprise, a 'why didn’t you tell me?' on the tip of his tongue, but Remus stood up and slammed his hand on the table before the words were able to leave Sirius’ mouth.
He and James turned and watched as Remus turned in his Potions essay to their professor and made his way back to their table, collecting his belongings and narrowing his eyes. “And I said yes.”
“Bloody hell,” James murmured as Remus stormed his way out of the Great Hall.
Sirius felt a pit beginning to grow in his stomach. He hadn’t meant to upset Remus.
But something tells him the pit wasn’t all guilt. It was something closely akin to…jealously? No, that couldn’t be right. He was just feeling guilty. He would apologize to Remus when he saw him later in the day.
Sirius bit his lip, trying his best to write a Potions paper without Remus to copy off of.
—————————
By the day of the Yule Ball, Sirius and James had managed to get dates. Though, clearly neither of the two boys were too happy with the outcome, as shallow as it sounded.
The two girls were nice enough, he supposed. But when has he ever cared about nice?
Effie, Merlin bless her, had taken it upon herself to provide her sons with dress robes for the ball; family heirlooms. They were horrified when they opened the boxes.
Sirius had gotten the better end of the deal, but it still wasn't anywhere close to ideal. Sirius’ dress robes were a classic black and white, almost tux looking attire while James hadn’t been so lucky with his own dress robes being a rusted orange color with frills. Sirius shuddered at the sight, but took it upon himself to try to comfort his best mate.
“Well…I expect yours are more traditional—“
“Traditional?!” James cried. “They’re ancient!”
Sirius gave him an exasperated look.
“I look like my great-aunt Aditi”, James had cried again before taking an uncertain whiff, followed by miserable groaning. “I smell like my great-aunt Aditi.”
Out of respect for his second mother, he had, in fact, worn the dress robes. He knew they’d never get out of it. She’d want eighty thousand pictures by the time the night was over.
Remus got a right kick out of the situation, still a bit bitter toward Sirius’ remark. Sirius let him make his fun.
“Who are you going with?” Sirius asked desperately, days before the ball. Remus inhaled his cigarette, blowing the smoke out of the window.
He shrugged. “No one you know.”
Sirius raised his eyebrow, also slightly bitter even though he had no reason to be. “I see. A girl from Beauxbatons, then, Casanova?”
Remus only shrugged again. Damn the mysterious bastard.
When Sirius and James had arrived at the bottom of the staircase with their dates, the sound of orchestra and the smell of desserts in the air surrounded him, though neither helped to increase his mood as he all but pouted. He was already starting to feel bad for their dates, but not bad enough that he was going to do something about it.
Minnie had come over, frantically looking for the three contestants of the Triwizard Cup and their dates before stopping dead in her tracks at the sight of him and James. James specifically, Merlin bless him.
She put a hand over her mouth before patting his shoulder lightly, pity Sirius wasn’t sure was real all over her face before she left to continue her search. Sirius doubled over in laughed.
James, throughly offended, took his date and left Sirius for the ballroom.
Not giving James the satisfaction of following, Sirius’ gaze scanned the venue in the foyer and caught sight of Nikolai Aleksiev, Durmstang’s contestant for the Triwizard tournament. Nobody had done anything but fawn over the strong, attractive, perfect asshole since he stepped foot in the castle, and was, at the current moment, still surrounded by girls hoping for a dance. Sirius bloody hated him since the moment his name was chosen from the cup.
“He looks…beautiful,” his date, Amala, said in awe.
Sirius scoffed, rolling his eyes until he turned to her and realized she wasn’t looking at Nikolai Aleksiev.
He followed her eyes, which happened to be locked onto the top of the staircase.
Whipping around, his eyes nearly bulged out of his head as he saw his very own Remus Lupin walking down the stairs, fashionably late. A page taken out of Sirius’ own book.
Remus looked shy as he descended the stairs, as he so often did, but Merlin did he look every bit as attractive as Amala had so kindly pointed out.
His light brown shaggy hair, usually unruly from Remus running his hands through it as a nervous habit, now sat perfectly around his face and ears. His scars were on full display, which slightly surprised Sirius as Remus usually tried to hide them on big occasions with lots of people around. They shone and glimmered in the warm lighting of the entrance like there were lines of glowing silver etched into his very being. His clothes, unlike Sirius’ own, were modern and he didn’t look like a complete idiot. His vest was dark brown and his white button up had a few buttons undone, giving the smallest showcase of the scars running over his neck and chest to go along with his face.
Sirius was stunned. His mouth was wide open and his stomach dropped at the sight of his best friend. He was…gorgeous.
Sirius had always known Remus was attractive, don’t get him wrong. His face was sharp, he had a mysterious feel about him and his brown eyes shone in the light. His canine teeth were sharp and Sirius had no idea how bad he wanted them sunk in his flesh until this very second. He was smart, a hell if a lot stronger than his lanky self looked, and toned as all hell. But only now did Sirius think, oh, Merlin. I want him.
Remus caught his eye and gave a small, tight lipped smile. Sirius couldn’t bear smile back, only look at him dumbly as if he had put the bloody moon and stars in the sky.
Sirius was so caught in his ogling that he hadn’t even noticed when Nikolai Aleksiev had strolled up behind him, extending his hand for Remus to take and giving him a lopsided grin.
No.
No, no, no.
Remus laughed quietly at the formal gesture before descending the last bit of stairs before taking the man’s hand and letting his own lay atop of it.
And oh, this had to have been one of the worst days of Sirius’ life. And he’s lived through some pretty shitty days.
Remus. His Remus. Walking and touching hands with this bloody Bulgarian beast.
What did Sirius do to deserve this? Much, he reckoned.
It was even more aggravating how attractive they were together.
Remus was tall as shit. Everybody who walked past him knew it as he towered over most people at 5’11 at the ripe age of just 14. He had rarely saw people taller than Remus (partly because Remus stayed in whenever possible and was rarely with older years), and even then, there still weren’t many people who could see above the beanstalks head, at least not until this damn Bulgarian beast strolled up into their school and apparently swept Remus off his feet.
Sirius dug his nails into his palm. How was he supposed to compete with that? 6’5 or 6’6, 220 pounds of pure muscle, tanned skin and dark eyes. He was Sirius’ exact opposite!
Not his type then, Sirius thought grimly.
Sirius wasn’t usually one to be insecure. Matter of fact, he was the cockiest, most arrogant, self-centered piece of crap he knew. So why did he suddenly feel so insignificant? Apparently all it took was a single Bulgarian to swirl all of his confidence down the drain.
He helplessly watched Remus be led away by his date, his own date saying something that didn’t even register in Sirius’ ears.
Amala had dragged Sirius inside of the ball room, quickly finding a friend to mingle with as Sirius clearly wasn’t much conversation at the moment. Did James know about this? No, James wouldn’t keep that from him…but Remus did. Why? Why didn’t Remus tell him?
His thoughts ran and ran endlessly until he was broken out of them by the loudest trumpets he’d ever heard in his life. And the doors opened.
The three contestants of the Triwizard Tournament walked through the door, shoulders high and faces confident with their dates on their arm. Remus and what’s-his-face were in the middle.
When Remus and whoever he was with passed, he gave another small smile. Sirius heard James’ date muttered unbelievably from behind him. “Is that Remus Lupin? With Nikolai Aleksiev?”
“No,” James blanked, blinking slowly. “Absolutely not.” But yes. Absolutely yes it was Remus Lupin and Nikolai Aleksiev.
Sirius watched with a pouted look on his face as the three pairs made their way up to the center of the ball room, the orchestra instructor readying the musicians.
He watched as Nikolai Aleksiev placed with hand on Remus’ waist, Remus’ hand on his shoulder as they waited for the music to begin.
When it did, they gracefully started waltzing and Sirius scowled. Who even taught Remus how to do that?
You did, you daft, he mentally facepalmed. He had jokingly taught their dorm after their useless lesson from McGonagall (no offense, Minnie).
He wasn’t expecting anyone to actually follow along, he just wanted to show off!
The two of them moved together beautifully and smoothly, Aleksiev spinning Remus in the air as if he were picking up a feather and not a near six foot, 140 pound boy. They swayed and moved their feet perfectly in sync with each other.
Others began to join the dance floor, starting with McGonagall and Dumbledore, which was gross as it was like watching your two parents kiss (not that he had ever experienced that, but this is what he assumed it felt like).
Amala, the poor girl, had asked Sirius to dance, to which he refused, too absorbed in his own self pity to give a rats ass about her night.
At some point, they’d made their way to one of many available seats and stayed there for most of the night. To his surprise, James had joined them early on it the night, looking equally as pitiful as Sirius. When James said his date left for someone else, Amala scoffed. “Are you going to ask me to dance, Black?”
“Nope,” he answered quickly, drinking the punch he had spiked himself with. She had glared and left to go find her friends, presumably.
He hadn’t expected James to say anything on their mutually shitty night, but still looked up when he didn’t. Sirius followed his eyes as they flickered back and forth.
In one direction was Lily Evans with a gorgeous light skinned girl with dark hair from Beauxbatons talking and swaying to the music together. And in the other direction, Sirius rolled his eyes to see his brother. In all honestly, he was surprised Regulus was there at all. He figured this kind of thing would be below him. But alas, he was there with Barty and Evan. If Sirius had to guess, Barty and Evan were going together and had been happy to let Regulus butt in seeing as Barty twirled them both dramatically, Regulus rolling his eyes but letting a hint of a smile play on his lips anyway.
“Why didn’t you ask him?”
James snapped out of his thoughts. “Huh?”
“My brother,” Sirius nearly rolled his eyes. “Why didn’t you ask him?”
Sirius could tell James thought about refuting the argument but decided it was no use as he sighed. “Don’t know if I’d take the rejection well.”
Sirius narrowed his eyes at first, but eventually believed it. He wasn’t taking Lily’s rejection all too great if he was staring at her across the room the whole time.
“And you? Why didn’t you ask him?” James asked, equally, if not more, judging.
Now it was Sirius’ turn to be confused (or play dumb, one would argue). He furrowed his brows.
“Moony. Why didn’t you ask him?” James repeated, stealing the drink from Sirius hands and taking a swig, his face scrunching up at the unexpected alcohol.
Sirius was quiet when he responded. “How did you know?”
James gave him a sly smile as if the answer to that question were the most obvious thing in the world. “C’mon, mate. I see the way you look at him.”
And that surprised Sirius, because he hadn’t noticed. Hadn’t even thought of it before tonight. But now? Knowing it? The past year or so was beginning to make a little more sense.
“Oh,” was all Sirius responded back.
They sat in silence for a while after that. The ball was beginning to die down the later it got and Sirius and James themselves were about to head out, only having stayed to keep drinking and eating junk food when Remus and the nobody went all but running past him and James, standing in the middle of the room.
The nobody took Remus’ hand with both of his own and kissed the back of it, maintaining deep eye contact the whole time, leaving without a word afterwards.
Remus spun around on his heels after taking a split second to himself and plopped into the seat next to James, slightly out of breath and a goofy, carefree smile on his face. Sirius had never hated seeing him so happy.
“Hot, isn’t it?” Was what Remus came up with as he pulled at his collar. “Nikolai’s gone to get drinks.”
“Good time then, Moony?” James asked, tilting his head back to finish the rest of his drink (the one that had been Sirius’ half an hour before) when Remus settled.
“Yeah, actually. Thought I would hate it, but I didn’t nearly as much as I thought I would,” he rubbed the back of his neck. “And you two? Good night?”
Sirius almost laughed. James held back a nose wrinkle.
“Yeah, loads of fun,” Sirius replied sarcastically, slumping further into his seat.
Remus’ brows furrowed for a second, seemingly surprised at his snippiness. “Sorry…?”
Sirius didn’t dignify him with a response, only pouted as he slouched further in his seat.
In his peripheral, Sirius watched Remus look about the area they were sitting, most likely looking for their dates.
Great. Now Remus was going to think he was a loser who had no play anyway.
“Would you two like to join us?” Remus asked. He sounded like he had genuine intentions, and that only served to piss Sirius off more.
“No,” he said quickly. “We would not care to join you and Nikolai.” He spat the name out of his mouth like it was poison. He slouched back in his seat before looking at the reaction on Remus’ face. He knew he was being cruel and unfair, but the recognizable jealously in his chest burned.
“Merlin, what’s got your wand in a knot?” Remus said not unkindly, only confused and maybe a bit hurt.
But Sirius didn’t back down. He leaned in closer to Remus’ face over James, ignoring him entirely. “He’s a Durmstrang,” Sirius explained as if it were an explanation. “You’re fraternizing with the enemy.”
“The enemy?” Remus scoffed an angry laugh. “You’re the one who’s been talking about him ever since he got here! Want me to get you a bloody autograph since you’re such a big fan?”
Sirius didn’t respond to that. He felt his cheeks burn as he sat back again.
“Besides, the point of the tournament is international cooperation,” Remus sighed heavily. Angrily. “The whole point is to make friends!”
And let it be said that Sirius never backed down from a fight. Even when he wanted to. It seemed that the habit followed him all the way out of Grimmauld. “I think he’s got a bit more than friendship on his mind,” he mumbled before crossing his arms and looking away like a child.
James just sat increasingly distressed between them, knowing well enough not to intervene. The two of them could be nasty when they wanted to.
And right now? Apparently they wanted to.
Remus stood quickly. He turned his back as if he were about to leave before turning back again just a second later. Sirius saw the glint in his eyes that there was more that he wanted to say, but he changed his mind again as he bee-lined right for the door, no doubt going to find Nikolai.
James turned to peer over his shoulder before running a stressed hand through his hair. “What the bloody hell was that?!”
Sirius shrugged his shoulders, arms still crossed. He hadn’t enough time to decide if he were guilty or not yet.
“You two just love to fight, don’t you?” James said as he slumped back against the table, acting as if he was the one doing the fighting. Sirius didn’t hold him, though. James was an empath. Being in the middle of a fight means he was practically in it.
“Dunno what came over me,” Sirius muttered under his breath. “I just think Remus is being dumb.”
He heard James scoff. “Sirius, come on. You’re just jealous.”
“Am not!”
“Are too!”
“Am not!”
“Are too!”
Sirius whipped a flask out from his pocket that was nearly emptied before he downed the rest of it.
They could have left right now, but Sirius wasn’t willing to leave Remus alone with this Durmstrang asshole.
So instead, he tortured himself for the next thirty minutes by watching them.
—————————
“He’s using you!” Sirius yelled on their way out of the ballroom, finally going back to their dorm.
“Using me?!” Remus gesticulated annoyedly. “I can take care of myself, I don’t need you to do it for me!”
“I doubt it,” Sirius added snobbily and he walked too fast to be a normal pace. But, with his long legs, Remus didn’t fall behind for a second. “Besides, he’s way too old!”
“What?!” Remus asked incredulously, as if four whole years wasn’t a problem. “What—that’s what you think?!”
Remus fell behind just a step in his incredulousness that Sirius used to get ahead. “Yeah, that’s what I think!”
“You know what I think?!” Remus yelled when they reached the base of the stairs, stopping in front of it.
“Go on!” Sirius yelled back, finally looking Remus in the eye for the first time since the conversation started. He was startled to find them a bit glossy.
“Next time there’s a ball, pluck up the courage to ask me before somebody else does!” Remus whisper shouted thickly as he bent down to speak in Sirius’ face. “And not as a last resort!”
Sirius sputtered, embarrassed as all hell that Remus knew. Remus knew Sirius was going to ask him to the ball.
He tried to deflect the situation as best as he could, feeling hot all over from embarrassment. Maybe shame. “Well, t-that’s—that’s completely off the point!” He stopped when he saw James stroll up behind Remus with suspiciously red, slick lips. Well, he wasn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth and gladly took the diversion. “James!”
Remus spun instantly, his eyes still glossed over and his brows furrowed deeply. “Where have you been?”
James looked up, stunned when he came face to face with a very pissed off Remus. “Uh—“
“Never mind,” Remus whispered as he hid his face in his hands, rubbing harshly. “Off to bed. Both of you!”
James swallowed thickly but followed Remus’ instructions immediately as if it were his mum. He might as well have been, really.
He ran to Sirius with a very confused and frazzled expression but Sirius kept his face solid. Or, well, he thinks he did. They ascended the stairs and ran to the dorms rather quickly, leaving behind Remus on the staircase.
—————————
It was midnight and Sirius still wasn’t asleep. How could he be?
James passed out almost instantly, grateful to be taking off his hideous robes and tired from a night of public humiliation.
An hour after, the wooden door creaked open and Sirius sat up, assuming it was Remus before seeing Peter stroll in far too late to be normal for…a kid like him. His shoes were tied behind his neck by the laces and fell asleep just as quickly as James.
So by the time the midnight bell tolled, Sirius bolted straight up as he all but tore their dorm apart looking for the Marauders’ Map.
He found it in the drawer of James’ nightstand and instantly looked for Remus’ name.
He found it in the astronomy tower.
He didn’t waste another second before snatching the invisibility cloak and preparing himself for the torture exercise that was climbing the stairs to the tower.
And he exited the common room under the cloak, he had his eyes locked on Remus’ name the whole time as if it would disappear the moment Sirius looked away. Safe to say, he wasn’t about to chance it.
By the time Sirius reached the top of the astronomy tower, he was practically panting like a dog. He put a hand against the wall and caught his breath before he pushed open the stone door of the tower. Remus was notified of his presence immediately.
It hit Sirius now that he had no idea what he was going to say to Remus. He kind of just saw Remus’ name and went toward it without thinking. Oops.
He half expected Remus to shout at him, send him off or leave for the dorms himself, but he did none of those. He simply took a glance back, saw who it was, and turned his attention back toward the sky.
Sirius dropped the cloak from his shoulders, letting it rest on his forearm and he quickly checked the Map for administrators. He pocketed it when he was sure they were safe.
He stepped up to the guard railing where Remus rested his elbows and mirrored his position.
He was still in his ball clothes (obviously, seeing as he hadn’t come back to the dorm), but they were disheveled and askew. Sirius was slightly scared to ask why. Well, to be fair, he wasn’t a bit scared to say anything to Remus at the moment. He royally pissed the guy off, and you probably shouldn’t be pissing people off who are half a foot taller than you and who happen to be a werewolf. It just doesn’t seem like a good combination.
“Hey,” is what he opted for.
“Hey,” Remus responded, his voice devoid of any clear emotion.
Sirius swallowed and he was sure it was audible in the silence. “I’m—I wanted to say…I wanted to say I’m sorry.”
Remus didn’t respond with words, only hummed.
Sirius huffed, but he tried not to let it seem too bratty. “I’m sorry.”
“For?” He asked. And it was just like Remus to make Sirius explain himself like a child. He knows what he did wrong, thank you.
“For being a dickwad tonight. The past few weeks, actually,” Sirius tapped his chin. “I’m sorry.”
He heard Remus inhale a breath through his nose, long and deep. He worried his bottom lip just slightly between his teeth. “I’ll forgive you—“
Sirius exhaled in relief, but Remus wasn’t done.
“—if you tell me what you were so pissy about.”
And no. Oh no. No, no, no.
How the fuck do you explain to your best mate that the reason you’ve been such a dick to him is because you have romantic feelings for him and got ridiculously jealous when seeing him with someone else but had no idea about these feelings until literally a few hours ago?!
“Well,” Sirius started comically. “If you must know…”
Remus turned his head and he looked at Sirius for the first time since he got up there. His face shifted away from the moonlight when he faced Sirius, but Sirius could still make out all of his features by heart, of course. He’d memorized that face. He’d loved that face.
And now, with Remus’ eyes on him, he knew he couldn’t lie. Remus didn’t deserve it and Sirius wasn’t sure what it would do to their friendship if he did.
The truth will set you free, right?
“Because,” Sirius started again, his face more solemn under Remus’ heavy gaze.
And it was hard. Remus made it hard to talk. Sirius felt hot under his gaze and it made him watch to shift or twitch or just move. It was hard to be still like this.
Remus didn’t say anything else. He’d only watched Sirius wordlessly as he less than subtly squirmed in discomfort because apparently, he’d pissed Remus off so bad that he was getting no pity out of the other man.
“Because I didn’t want you going with Aleksiev.”
This wasn’t a good enough answer for Remus, who scoffed quietly and turned back to face the dark night’s sky.
But now, Sirius wasn’t done. He grabbed Remus by the chin none too gently and guided his eyes to him. Where they should be. On Sirius. “I wanted you to go with me.”
Remus was still, but Sirius wasn’t much better. He could have just ruined one of his best friendships with just one sentence, and Remus wasn’t helping him feel very assured.
But for Merlin’s sake, he was Sirius Black. So, he pretended to have more confidence than he really had at the moment. “I didn’t like seeing you with Aleksiev because you would have looked better with me.”
Remus breathed, but it was a subtle thing. A little puff of breath from his parted lips as if it were punched out of him. Sirius wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or a bad sign.
But if it was bad, then he was about to dig himself an even deeper hole. Remus had to know now because if Sirius kept this within himself for longer than a week, he was sure he would explode. So, best he get it out now.
“I want you, Remus. I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out, but I do,” Sirius whispered, sounding almost pleading as he dropped his hand from Remus’ face. “I want you and I hated seeing you with someone else and I won’t apologize for that. I’m sorry for treating you the way I did, but I’m not sorry for being angry.”
And now Remus’ silence was beginning to deter Sirius. He gave himself the benefit of the doubt for being Sirius Black and all, but he probably should have known better. Remus was his best mate, strong and attractive and hard headed. He wasn’t some random school girl falling at his feet. He was Remus bloody Lupin. Who was Sirius kidding?
“I want you too,” he heard a voice whisper. And for some reason, it took him longer than it should have to realize it was Remus’. Remus’ voice whispering to him. Remus was still looking him dead in the eye, through his brown curls, through light lashes, and whispered to him. “I want you too.”
Now it was Sirius’ turn to stop dead in his tracks.
He felt his breathing pause momentarily, his head tightening with the decreased amount of oxygen in it from how still his body became. His body chose this moment to react to the cold winter air by making him shudder. Or, that’s what he told himself anyway. Chances are, it was probably Remus.
“What?”
He saw Remus’ lip quirk just slightly. “Want to hear it again, do you?”
Sirius nodded dumbly, mouth hanging open.
“I want you,” Remus breathed. “Hell, I’ve wanted you for as long as I’ve known that I could want you.”
His mouth was still hanging open long after the words were spoken. He wasn’t stunned. Genuinely and unapologetically stunned. “Why didn’t you say anything?” He whispered, too afraid to speak any louder.
Remus chuckled, but it was sad sounding. “Are you kidding?” Sirius recognized the slight pause where Remus decided to change his question from ‘are you serious’ to ‘are you kidding’. It made Sirius smile. “You’re bloody Sirius Black. No one’s ever been able to have you.”
“No one’s ever tried,” Sirius confessed in a whisper. And it was true; he’d been with all kinds of people in his four years at Hogwarts, but it was all for show. None of it was love. Just image. Maybe sex. But no one ever liked him for him. Only his name. His popularity. His status.
Remus swallowed. Sirius watched his throat bob. “Why would I be any different?”
And Sirius was having absolutely none of that. He leaned in closer to Remus’ space, personal bubble be damned. “Are you kidding?” He repeated. “You’re bloody Remus Lupin.”
The taller boy raised an unimpressed brow at him. It didn’t make Sirius change his mind.
“You’re amazing,” he said, nothing short of astonished. And when Remus looked away with a scoff, he continued. “You’re smart. And beautiful. And funny. And you—you get me in a way that nobody else does. Not even James.”
Remus looked back at him, his face barely visible in the dark, but again, Sirius had memorized his every feature. Every tell of his face, even if barely visible. Sirius was pretty sure his eyes were becoming very glassy.
“Do you mean it?” Remus whispered. Their faces were so close at this point their noses were practically touching. “Any of it?”
Sirius shook his head. And he whispered back. “All of it.”
He doesn’t know took initiative first before their lips were crashing against each others with a profound sense of euphoria that Sirius has never been able to achieve in his life up until this point.
His body was on fire. Despite it being December in Scotland, he could barely feel the cold; just the heat of Remus’ body against his own, as well as the heat they were creating.
It was messy and wet. Too much tongue and teeth and probably a little too painful, but Sirius hadn’t even noticed. By the feel of it, Remus didn’t either.
His hands roamed. They’d just been given access to somewhere they were never allowed to be before and hell if he wasn’t about to take advantage of the opportunity presented to him that was Remus Lupin. His hands were in Remus’ hair, the back of his clothes, his arms. He grabbed.
Remus did the same. One of his strong hands was tangled in Sirius’ hair, pulling tightly in a way that should have caused Sirius pain, but didn’t. His other hand was holding Sirius firmly by the waist. Remus’ hands were hot. Unnaturally so. He had probably been casting warming charms at some point—it didn’t matter. They were warm and burning so good into Sirius’ flesh from where he was touching him and Sirius immediately knew there was no going back after this. He would dig his claws into Remus Lupin and never let him go again. Not for anybody. And by the way Remus was squeezing Sirius so tightly, he was sure he felt the same.
They broke apart gasping for breath, mouths wet with spit and Sirius wouldn’t be surprised if there were a bit of blood in the mix. They stared at each other in the dark as their chests rose and fell in tandem. Sirius kept his hands planted on Remus’ biceps, occasionally digging his nails in as if to make sure Remus was still there. That he hadn’t run.
Remus’ head fell forward and bonked against Sirius’ own, and they rested there. Foreheads against one another’s, their hands clinging onto each other desperately, practically panting into each others’ mouths. Yeah, Sirius was right where he wanted to be right now. Forever, really.
After some minutes, Remus backed away, and Sirius immediately went to panic.
“Remus—“
“Do you regret it?” He asked firmly.
Sirius was quick to respond. It was an easy answer. “No.”
He heard Remus take a deep breath, their hands still planted on each other. “Where do we go from here?”
Sirius pulled Remus in by his arms and rested their foreheads back against each other, deeply appreciating the proximity in the cold. “I don’t know. But…I’m willing to figure it out if you are.”
Remus went back in gladly, tightening the hands he had on Sirius waist and hips. “Yes. Please. I don’t think I could move on from this if I tried.”
Sirius laughed at his breathlessness. “Me either. But I wouldn’t want to.”
“Me either.” The response was quick.
Sirius close the few centimeters between their lips and they were kissing again.
And when Sirius felt the same rush of heat enter his body when he kissed Remus Lupin for a second time tonight, he knew he was making the right decision.
The kiss had been ruined when Remus jumped away after Sirius planted his hands under his shirt.
“Bloody hell, you’re freezing!” He shrieked as he grabbed Sirius’ hands in his own, rubbing them to create friction. “Come on, let’s get you inside.”
And Sirius went. Sirius would go where ever Remus wanted him to without question.
He didn’t know what waited for them in the future. He didn’t know what they would become or if they’d even survive the week (which, seemed unlikely).
But, after kissing Remus Lupin, not once, but twice, with their hands interlinked for warmth as they walked back to their dorm where Sirius was one hundred percent absolutely sleeping in Remus’ bed (because he was cold, obviously), Sirius Black, for one of the few times in his life, was excited for what the future held.