Work Text:
The X-Mansion was made to support mutants of all ages. It may have been considered controversial, but the earlier you started to train super-humans, the more prepared they were to kick ass later in life.
Which is how Wade Wilson and Peter Parker ended up getting shoved into a playroom, walls coated in pink and blue paint and toys of various size, color, kind, and age range scattered around the shag carpet. With, of course, absolutely nothing to do.
“But, Tony!” Peter protested, pouting. Great. They already treated him like a child, but this was a whole new low.
“ But Tony nothing. We have to talk and the Professor doesn’t want that,” He aggressively pointed towards Deadpool, (who was sitting in a bean bag chair much too small for a grown man), “Around anything that can break. Sorry, Bub. You’re getting stuck with babysitting duty.”
And what an appropriate place to have it. The room was fairly large, and everything was child-sized. The chairs, the table in the corner, the television currently playing Christian propagan- Er, Veggie Tales. Wade didn’t seemed to be bothered by this. Then again, Peter had never known him to really be bothered by anything that wasn’t his own self, or a shortage of tacos.
“Please, I’ll do anything . I’ll clean your armor for a week.” Peter begged, placing his hands together, eyes wide and pleading. Tony looked conflicted, and Peter thought he might be winning him over, when-
CRASH!
Peter turned around just in time to see the last block fall from the tower. Deadpool was standing beside it, whistling and shuffling his feet, eyes glued to the ceiling. Without looking down, he pushed one of the blocks under the table, mumbling, “Wasn’t me.”
Peter looked back to Tony just in time to see all the work he’d done crumble. Tony’s resolve strengthened, and his voice once again turned firm.
“Stay here. Make sure he doesn’t break anything important.” He said.
Peter gave a loud groan, burying his face in his hands. He was one hundred percent certain that whatever he’d done in a past life to deserve this, it must have been deplorable.
“You’ll be back soon?” He clarified.
Tony nodded. “Ten to fifteen minutes. But we need to understand what we’re dealing with." He looked over towards Wade again, adding quietly, "Especially since it’s big enough that we need that walking disaster.”
“I more think of myself as a running disaster. A little faster and capable of more damage than a walking one, but destined to trip and end up with rugburn on my face. Not that you’d notice. I look like God decided to give me rug burn all over my entire body.” Suddenly, he turned towards the television, angrily wagging his finger at the talking cucumber. “Explain that with the bible!”
“God help me.” Peter said, flatly.
Deadpool then proceeded to go around the room, picking up several items and inspecting them thoroughly before setting them back down and moving on. Peter leaned against the door, ignoring the general mayhem, until-
“Hey, a barbie house!” Wade exclaimed. Peter heard a loud thump as his butt hit the floor. To the tune of the Barbie song, he teased, "C'mon, Peter, let's go party."
"That didn't rhyme." He announced, walking over to Deadpool. Mostly out of a morbid curiosity, but partially because he had absolutely nothing to do.
Wade immediately stripped her down, and rose his voice up an octave. "My oh My! I hope the fabulously rich Miss Richardson doesn't find us having GAY SEX in her pool again!"
He picked up another barbie and immediately smooshed their faces together, and Peter could feel his own face crinkled in a mixture of disgust and amusement. "That is absolutely not how you play with a barbie doll."
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was in the presence of a plastic connoisseur." Deadpool said, immediately scooting over. He patted the spot on the carpet next to him, looking up at Peter. "Why don't you get down here and show me how it's done?"
"I... I'm not going to..." Peter argued. Still, he couldn't deny that the temptation was there. He found just about everything with Deadpool intriguing, and the small room was getting boring. Even moreso than it had already been. Besides, what could the harm be? Tony wasn't due to come back for at least another seven minutes.
Deadpool must have been able to tell he was close to caving, since he held out the second barbie doll. Peter took it, sighing heavily.
"You have to say something that a six year old would say. An average six-year-old." He argued.
"Please, do the honors." Deadpool gushed, gesturing towards the dreamhouse. Peter quickly did one last check of the window to ensure that Tony wasn't coming back before he plopped down, trying to fight the wave of shame and awkwardness that was fighting to crash over him.
He was a grown-ass man in his early thirties, sitting on the floor in a children's playroom, about to play barbies with a man in his early forties.
Peter Parker wasn't sure the exact moment that his life spun out of control, but he was one hundred percent certain it was in direct correlation with meeting Wade WIlson.
He made his voice a little higher, not quite committing to it. "Um... We should go to the mall. And hunt for cute boys. Or girls."
Because Peter Parker didn't want to be heteronormative.
"Sure!" Deadpool said, tilting his Barbie from side-to-side to indicate that she was speaking, "But first, you have to help me hide a dead body. That Ken motherfucker sent me a dick pic on snapchat for the last time."
Peter was caught between correcting him and laughing. FInally, the latter won out, and he felt his nose crinkle. Suddenly, he didn't feel all that awkward anymore.
"Right." Peter responded, giggling a little, "And then we can have gay sex in Miss Richardson's pool."
Deadpool gave a fake, girly gasp. "You know me so well, Stacy!"
Peter gave another laugh, letting himself enjoy this. After all, it wasn't often that he got to let down his tough guy exterior and just... Be himself. And he knew that Wade wouldn't judge him.
Suddenly, Peter felt a cold breeze down his back. He froze, knowing what had happened before he turned around.
"I can explain." He said, accidentally using his higher, barbie voice. He cleared his throat and tried again, a blush covering his face. "It's not what it looks like!"
Tony stared blankly at the two of them, completely flabbergasted. A few moments passed in silence before a slow, sneaky smirk began to come across his face. "Oh, no, please don't let me interrupt your fun, Stacy."
"How much of that did you hear? I was tricked into it!" He argued, throwing his hands in the air. Tony's eyes sparkled with amusement.
"Not important." Tony said, turning around. He raised his glove this mouth, speaking into it. "JARVIS? Remind me to suspend Peter and Wade's access to the Avengers swimming pool."
"We have a swimming pool?" Wade asked, excitement evident in his voice. Peter doubted his own ability to feel anything other than mortification, after this.
"Not anymore." He said, flatly.
Several seconds passed in silence as Tony walked down the hall, no doubt already working on informing the entire team of the scene he'd witnessed.
Deadpool's voice remained high and feminine. "I guess we got caught by Miss Richardson."