Chapter Text
If you missed the train I'm on
You will know that I am gone
You can hear the whistle blow a hundred miles
A hundred miles, a hundred miles
A hundred miles, a hundred miles
You can hear the whistle blow a hundred miles
Lord, I'm one, Lord, I'm two
Lord, I'm three, Lord, I'm four
Lord, I'm five hundred miles away from home
The first time Wu Suowei had imagined killing himself, he had been six years old.
It was Saturday. At least he remembers it to be, because it was since then he has lived with a foreboding sense of restlessness accompanying each weekend. He remembers it clearly because Saturdays used to be when he’d help his parents at the farm. He used to get up early, dress up in his dirty clothes and laugh lightly as his mother would bathe him in sunscreen. His father used to cycle there beside a sizable mini-cycle with little Wu Suowei holding onto the handles for dear life.
Life had been good then. Saturdays used to be the pinnacle of joy for him, how he’d sit on that knee-high chair and wave at his father. How he’d wear the straw hat his mother hand made, how he’d run around the field giggling as his father followed, how sometimes he’d forget his toys on the fields and cry until one of his parents got it back.
His mother said it was stubbornness. His father found it endearing.
In the end, it was this stubbornness that got his father killed.
It was Saturday. Wu Suowei forgot a toy, a red car he didn’t even like, by the cornfield. His mother was insistent on not giving into his brat-like whims but his father’s heart was softer. For him, Suowei was his darling son, the sweetest thing in the world. So, despite heavy rain and a road which was yet to be built, his father kissed him on the cheek and disappeared into the fog.
It probably wasn’t as dramatic as he remembers but that was the last time Wu Suowei ever saw his father.
It was Saturday. It was eight pm. It was a police officer with a frown on his face. It was a car accident. It was his mother wailing in their garden. It was everything yet it was nothing at all.
Yet, for Wu Suowei, it was the end of his world. For the first time in his life, Wu Suowei had wanted to die.
How fitting, now sixteen years later, it’s Saturday and his life had once again fallen apart
The second time Wu Suowei had imagined killing himself, he was twenty two. And this time, it was truly no one’s fault but his own
Wu Suowei’s world had tilted on its axis precisely three weeks ago. The day his mother had passed. The day he had walked into the garden, a playful smile gracing his lips, and realised his mother’s body was cold.
The water is hot on his skin, burning in ways Suowei had not known humans to burn. His wet clothes cling to his body like an unfair reminder of his loneliness. How strange, he’s alone, with the only thing to keep him warm being the clothes on his back.
As the water fell, Suowei cried for the first time. Tears of grief, of anger, of disillusionment. But the deep rest tears were of a deep, deep regret. At how foolishly he had messed up. How he had let Chi Cheng walk away, forcing him into Wang Shuo’s direction. How he had let his mother die, depriving her of the few chances she’d have of seeing her son succeed.
Then, it’s the grey sweater he’s wearing. Because Chi Cheng gave it to him. Because his mother complimented it. Because he could think of both of them while wearing it and now they’re both gone.
Isn’t it so pathetic altogether? To ruin the lives of those you love and then stare at the scattered remains of your own and have no one but yourself to blame.
How could he even think Chi Cheng would love him? Why had he sneakily glanced at the door of his mother’s funeral waiting for Chi Cheng to come. Why had he spent the past three weeks on Xiao Shuai’s couch waiting for Chi Cheng to whisk him away? Why had he thought that Chi cheng, who was surely together with Wang Shuai again, would ever give him another chance.
In truth, there was no reason to. There was no reason to live it all.
It had been the fourth night he’ll be spending away from Xiao Shuai, who bless his heart, had put his entire life aside for Suowei. But Suowei couldn’t burden him more than he already had. Tonight would be his last night as well.
He had nothing to live for. After his father’s passing, he had lived with no reason beyond wanting to give his mother a good life. He had gotten his first part time job delivering the morning newspaper at just twelve years old. He had spent a decade doing every job in the book just so his poor mother would have to work less.
Then, he lived for Chi Cheng. For precisely six months since he realised he loved Chi Cheng, he had lived for him. It was like a shiny chance at redemption, his only chance at a relationship he hadn’t ruined.
But just as with his mother, the stark reminder of how he had gotten his father killed followed. With Chi Cheng the bitter existence of his revenge haunted him. Neither would let him breathe in peace. That was the irony in being loved by Suowei, the fact that his love would always come in a blanket of regret coveting it.
The water of the shower was burning. He had not made the decision to die lightly. The water was cold whenever he read of people dying. Just as the rain was cold the day his father died. But in truth, Suowei’s heart had felt so frigid these past few weeks that all he wanted for his death was to experience some warmth.
But the water of the shower was burning. Underneath the folded sleeves of his sweater was skin reddened by hours of abuse. The blade held to his wrist shook every time he dragged it across. It trembled between his fingers like it was afraid of something.
It was not the death Suowei was afraid of.
As he lay on the bathroom floor, the shower still overflowing with water, he cried face down. He didn’t want to be seen. He didn't want to sit up. An irrational little part of him couldn’t help but fear seeing his parents' faces as he dared to look up. A less loud, more shameful part desperately wanted to see Chi Cheng’s.
The rain outside seemed hell-bent on reminding him of the Saturday his father had died. It felt like life reminding him of the sickest form of irony. All Suowei could think of regardless were the almost two years of bliss he had spent beside Chi Cheng so far. The illusion of perfection, the reverie wistfully wrapped with the delicate hands of ignorance. Yet even then, he can never forget the moment he saw Chi Cheng’s eyes that day. The day he asked Wu Suowei if he ever loved him. The day he found out the truth
At the time, Suowei was in a terrible place, so leaving Chi Cheng meant living alone again. Before he even got the chance to grieve his soulmate, he was already catapulted into caring for his dying mother. That, combined with the frail nature of his mental health left him with few days sober.
This was indeed not the first time he ended up with a razor to his wrist. This was not the first set of scars he had created on his wrist.
These days, his scar ridden hands were carefully hidden behind long sleeves. Xiao Shuai is too afraid of breaking him to even ask and Guo Chengyu friendship with him was still in the early stages of its conception. Neither could find out a thing.
As the blood flowed freely down his hands, as the cuts widened with ferocity. As the white embers of his flesh peaked back at him in a mockery, he slowly began wondering if this is what death is supposed to be like.
Beside him was a small bottle. His mother’s pills. They were meant for heart failure. They were meant to regulate her blood. These were the same pills she had avoided taking so often, just to feed him an extra meal. And not taking them had killed her. In a cruel twist of fate, taking them in her stead would kill Suowei.
The thought of using them to die, to kill himself, to disappear from this world. The thought of debasing himself enough to take his late mother’s medication in his desperation to die, made an ugly kind of shame pool inside his stomach.
The rain heaved on even more. Asking him to stop in it’s own ferocious way. He ignored it entirely.
He swallows the first two pills with ease. The tears running down his face, the wetness inside his mouth, making it easy for them to slide in.
The day should dispel soon. The night should start peeking in. The dusk should’ve appeared outside.
He thinks of that one time, right after Chi Cheng’s first visit to Wang Shuo. It was early winter. The first cold chill of the year which had sent shivers down his spine. How he had crawled into their joint bathroom and held a knife between his hands. How he had done nothing more than held it. How he stared at it.
At first, it had been nothing but a fleeting thought, dismissed so easily when Chi Cheng returned. The knife long forgotten on a dining table. When in the morning, Chi Cheng had asked why it was out of the dishes, he had lied and said it was for a late night fruit craving.
His boyfriend had believed him.
Because then, trust had come easy to Chi Cheng. That month, had Suowei asked Chi Cheng to walk on coal, he knows for a fact his boyfriend would've done it without a second thought.
Now, he stares at the door everyday, hoping he’d just give him a second glance.
Sometimes, grappled by the reality of his betrayal, Suowei would hold onto Chi Cheng’s shirt in hopes that the warmth from it could dampen his seething heart.
Chi Cheng. Chi Cheng. Chi Cheng.
His boyfriend. His lover. The love of his life.
The man who no longer loved him.
The next few pills Wu Suowei takes in a clump.
The pills struggle to go down his throat, he feels himself gag a bit. The reflex forces him lower on the floor. His body curls into itself a little more. To anyone else, he’d look so small like this. To himself, he didn’t feel like anything at all.
A gust of air blew at him. The door of the bathroom shaking due to the winds outside. It looked like something begging him to stop. Like the world was rearranging itself to prevent his death.
But this world could rearrange it’s guts and untether it bones, it would not change the fact it had swallowed Wu Suowei and eaten away at his soul.
Just as cleaning the surroundings of a dead body would not make its rotting stop, bringing this world’s insistence would not make the bleeding stop.
The truth was, Wu Suowei was a child of this world, who was hurt. He was not hurt by Chi Cheng. He was not hurt by his mother. But he was terribly hurt. And the only person he could blame was nature itself.
The next set of pills was also a group. This time, six pills. As the dizziness began to kick in, Suowei could barely register the process of eating more.
When his father had passed, he had not been permitted to see the body they cremated. He had spent a long time wondering how he must have looked.
It was when he saw his mother’s body, that Suowei realised what a corpse resembles.
Sleeping.
His mother looked like she was sleeping so peacefully.
He wonders if he’d look that way too.
Today, he woke up like usual. Hoping to hear an echo of footsteps from the kitchen. The rhythmic patterns of his mothers steps breathing near his ears. It reminded him of that birthday of his, when he stayed in bed until five pm and his mother brought warm soup. The sound of his mother’s footsteps, moving comfortably across the kitchen, had kept him feeling safe that day.
Now there was nothing.
All that there was, were the growing cracks on the ceiling. The whimpering edges of one scratch which blend into the other like a growing threat. Their house is aging before his eyes. A house he now owned alone. It’s growing alongside him and now he’s leaving it to grow alone.
After two more hours pass and the clock strikes nine, Wu Suowei feels a wave of pure fear wash over him. The pills must have begun working, as he felt the desire to take measured, weightless steps to his bed and hide himself in it.
There are no steps to take. As he forces his body to move, a strangled cry leaves his mouth. It hurts. It hurts so bad. His hands struggle to pick themselves up due to the open wounds surrounding them. He imagines to sit up a little, to his disappointment, neither his parents nor Chi Cheng greet him.
Water drips down his bed into his eyes. He smells iron all around him. His lips are bleeding too, sharp bite all over them, whatever energy he has left is spent clawing at the skin around his mouth with his teeth. It hurts. It hurts so much. The pain is all consuming.
Wu Suowei could not bear the pain. He could not take anything more than gentle smiles and kind words. It was what made Chi Cheng act so sweet with him. Now, as his hands bled out, as his flesh and water felt like one, as his skin stuck to the flaming tiles of the bathroom floor, he did could not find Chi Cheng’s kindness anywhere
Chi Cheng. Chi Cheng. Chi Cheng.
He found himself saying the name like a prayer. What a strange god to pray to. But Suowei never believed in gods. He believed in himself and even more he believed in Chi cheng.
He said his lover’s name like the holy grail. The father, son and the Holy Ghost. All three spirits of heaven poured into his love.
Chi Cheng. Chi Cheng. Chi Cheng.
Have you ever loved someone too much, your love for them filled you to the brim, until all that was left inside your soul in their absence was the longing for their presence?
Yet Suowei doesn’t deserve Chi Cheng. He doesn't deserve love. Therefore Suowei must die.
Though, Suowei never realised dying meant dying alone.
Chi Cheng had once made Wu Suowei wait for nine hours. It was the first time Chi Cheng had so blatantly lied. He had gone to visit Wang Shuo.
No, he hadn’t. He had gone to visit Suowei’s mother. He knew that now. But then it was Wang Shuo.
It had been Wang Shuo, It had been Suowei sobbing on the couch. It had been the softest whisper of betrayal against a harsh chance of being replaced.
He had spent three of those nine hours making dinner. Then, he had spent thirty minutes packing that dinner in a foil. Finally, he had taken ten seconds to throw it away. To someone else, such a thing may not matter, but for Suowei it was representative of the all consuming, bitter anger he felt burning inside him.
The reason he remembers this moment, this exact moment as his consciousness weakens, is because it was at the end of those nine hours when Chi Cheng had come back that seeing his face had made Suowei forget his anger completely. All he had wanted then was to kiss his boyfriend stupid and keep his love around forever.
Now that love hung inside his chest like an iron weight.
But then, it had been everything. His lover’s love which left him blindsided. He could not imagine a world where anyone else would be so kind to him.
His Chi Cheng loved him. He had to have loved him. And now he loves Wang Shuo so Suowei must die.
There was nothing left to live for afterall.
Xiao Shuai calls him right as he feels his eyelids grow heavy with pain.
“Da Wei! Guo Chengyu and I are in town. We were wondering if..” His friend pauses, he imagines the doctor looking at his boyfriend for confirmation just about now, “if we could come visit?”
The lie isn’t difficult to spot. In the nearly two years he’s known Xiao Shuai, there has never been a reason for him to visit the countryside. He’s here for Suowei. But it won't matter. Within minutes, suowei will be dead. God, he’s going to miss his best friend
Not trusting his voice, he just hums. It’d be a nice thing afterall, to not die alone.
“Well, it’s less of a question and more of a need. It’s raining so much. We really didn’t expect it, isn’t it so strange for it to rain this much in the winters?”
Xiao Shuai has a habit of muttering about random things. It’s how he deflects talking about things which are important. It’s how he had avoided talking about Meng Tao for so long. Though it stopped working on Wu Suowei a long time ago, he could see through the small talk and the slight plea to let them come.
It doesn’t matter.
He doesn’t remind them that Guo Chengyu’s car is expensive enough to get them through a storm if needs arises, instead he says the bitter thought which clutches as his throat and clammers his heart shut
“Maybe, it’s my mother crying.” The burning ice enters his veins and stays there for just a moment. And then it leaves nothing behind. Nothing at all.
Maybe it’s his mother crying. Maybe it’s his father wailing at the sky. Maybe it's both of them, looking down at the disappointment he’s become. Their darling son, sitting on the tiles of the bathroom they had painted together, nothing more than a corpse waiting to be.
There’s a sharp intake of air from the other side. He hears Guo Chengyu say something though he doesn’t know what. Xiao Shuai chuckles awkwardly.
“What do you mean? Don’t speak nonsense. We’ll be there in ten minutes—“
Suowei wants to let him finish, he really does, but he wants his last words to be a reminder of how sorry he is. He wants the world to know he remembers that he messed up. He wishes that maybe the words can leave his mouth and evaporate into the air, maybe then the air would reach Chi Cheng, and Chi Cheng would know he loved him.
”She said she liked Chi Cheng. She wanted me to get married. But I think she liked Chi Cheng.” And she did. She would’ve loved him ever more had she gotten the time. Had he not ruined it. “Do you think she would’ve accepted him? Do you think she would’ve liked him then too?”
Xiao Shuai’s voice comes out frantic this time, he can hear the noise of other cars behind him, "Of course she would. She’d see how happy he made you and she’d love him. She’d love him so much.”
The words of his best friend are so devastatingly soft yet they prick at Suowei’s heart like a thousand thorns.
“Maybe. In a kinder world, she would’ve gotten to love all of me.” The sob which escapes his throat is strangled, held back by nothing more than his blood ridden hands
“She already did. She really, really did. Just hold on a little bit longer okay? We’ll be there soon.” There’s louder horns and blaring noises of something cutting through water on the other side.
Wu Suowei knows his friends will be too late.
He feels the dizziness begin to take over again. There’s a pool of redness around him, the tiles all covered in blood that should be outside his body. It occurs to him that he’s dying. He’s dying. He’s dying. He’s dying alone.
And Chi Cheng doesn’t know he loves him.
“She can forgive me for not getting married, I know my mother. But she won’t forgive me for hurting Chi Cheng. I love him, I love him so much, Ge, I told him I don’t love him but Ge, I really do. I love him and he doesn’t even know… He doesn’t know.”
It's the first time he’s called Xiao Shuai Ge. Sometimes, he forgets how he doesn’t see the older man as just a friend, sometimes he forgets how Jiang Xiao Shuai was family now. It makes him feel like a child, like a child begging his older brother to believe his lies. He wishes Jiang Xiao Shuai believes him.
”It’s okay. It’s okay. He’ll believe him. You can tell him yourself. Mr. Mighty be a little slow but he isn’t stupid enough not to know, right Chengyu?” Xiao Shuai tries to laugh, it’s a sound wrapped within itself, it sounds like poison.
“Yeah, yeah. He will. He really will. If he doesn’t I’ll set him straight Xiao Wei,” Guo Chengyu is even more breathless than Xiao Shuai.
It reminds him of the days he’s spent cooped up in their apartment. Him and Chengyu cared for each other in strange ways before, the way you love someone who’s cared for by the person you loved the most. They loved each other on behalf of Xiao Shuai and Chi Cheng, both ready to protect the other for the sake of their person.
In the past few weeks, that has changed. In the past few weeks, Chengyu had begun seeing Suowei as family too. And now his family was crumbling right before his eyes.
“No. He won’t. I’ll never get a chance to tell him again. I’ll never get to talk to him again..” Suowei slurs out, his head beginning to drop on the floor. The phone is now lying next to him, long since having fallen from his hands
He feels the tears building up. Chi Cheng doesn’t want him. Chi Cheng wanted Wang Shuo. Chi Cheng didn’t see his love. Chi Cheng doesn’t know he loves him. He imagines a world where Wang shuo and his boyfriend— his ex boyfriend— are together. Their family. Their life. All away from him.
Chi Cheng and Wang Shuo.
And Wu Suowei, alone without the love of his life.
The worst part is, there is no one to blame.
“Suowei,” Xiao Shuai whispers, his voice deathly still. “What do you mean you won’t get to talk to him again?”
It takes a while for his friend’s words to register now. The burning hot water has begun feeling cold. His red skin begins to take the shade of a pale blue. The shivers which rack his body should be answers enough to Xiao Shuai.
But the tears which follow are telling too.
For god’s sake don’t cry, he tells himself. As he struggles to form words with his closing throat. As white spit begins to trickle out. As every thought feels too complex, too difficult. As the coldness enters his flesh completely and sinks into his bones. Please don’t cry, he begs himself. The water embalms his body. Please don’t cry.
He feels like he’s lying to himself but the sobs he hears next don’t come from him.
It’s Xiao Shuai
As he waits for death to take him, he realises he’s made his last remaining family cry. Beside it, are sniffles from Guo Chengyu, who undoubtedly is breaking every traffic law in sight. He’s made his friends cry. The last sound he’ll get to hear, will be of him disappointing someone again.
“Because.. because…” He tries to form the words, the disoriented thoughts make it difficult to identify what he says next, “By the time you come, I’ll be gone.”
The cries of Xiao Shuai turn into frantic wails. He’s saying something. He’s asking for something. He’s crying into the phone and begging for his— Suowei’s— life.
But Suowei doesn’t hear a word, having lost his consciousness already, with nothing more than an illusive memory of Chi Cheng’s voice whispering to him.
“Da bao, did you ever love me?”
“Chi Cheng, I’ll love you till the day I die.”