Chapter Text
There must be something about him.
Something that terrifies all of Ren’s fears. Something that always terrifies him more than anything else, mortifying and paralyzing to think about. How such a beautiful dragon was broken down into mere tears.
“Ren.” That special person whispered hundreds of years ago. “What are we?”
“Lovers.” But that came out like a garbled mess. “Best friends.” But that isn’t true. “Strangers.” Oddly comforting.
“You’re everything but.” The special person sighs. “I don’t want you to die.”
“I can’t.” Ren replies. His voice is clearer than before.
“Don’t leave me.”
Ren woke up from that weird dream. The dragon still slumbers beside him, a privilege nobody holds except himself. The dragon is ever so cold to the touch, slightly… cooling, and breathing calmly beside his always racing heart. Always so young and beautiful. Always so alive, always moving like water. The dragon stirs for a little bit, but finds peace again after Ren’s hand lays atop the younger’s shoulder.
His dearest. His beloved.
No one can kill him but Ren.
“Ren?” The dragon asked as he woke up. It has been hours since Ren has been mulling over to move away or sit still, the sinking feeling gnawing on his heart and it eats him alive.
“Yes, beloved?” His throat lets out a sound that’s raspy and dry.
“How long?” A simple question.
“Don’t know.” And a simple answer to that question.
“Hmm.” Dan Heng nods. He’s still in his usual, Nameless form, sitting up and letting his knees curl near his chin. “What’s up?”
“If I walk away, I’ll miss you. If I don’t, I won’t eat.” Ren answers, still looking away from Dan Heng.
“...Thats… what you’ve been thinking for hours?” Dan Heng asked with a soft tone. He knows Ren is in a delicate state of mind, and he doesn’t mind being patient today.
“Yes. Unfortunately.” Upon hearing Ren’s statement, the dragon snorts a small giggle. “Don’t laugh at me. But your scent… it’s telling me you’re happy.” Ren shoved Dan Heng gently.
“Oh you and your nose.” Dan Heng sighs. Ren’s nose is sharp as ever, and even sharper when detecting the air around the dragon and predicting his moods.
Ren finally stood up, and slowly dragged his feet to go to the parlor car. Dan Heng didn’t follow, sleeping again while sitting. He’s still tired from Amphoreus, it brought back memories before a tragedy, and memories he thought he had lost.
In a moment of reprieve, Ren stood silently before the food. He’s still in a dilemma on how to make his dragon happy. His hands were for destruction, not for loving. His touches are flavorless, his words are short like a human raised by dogs. Still, they’re strangers. He loves a stranger and would burn the universe for him.
At the end of the day, he’s looking for a small comfort in a life he’s lived for so long. This stranger comforts him in ways nobody else could. He chases after that gentle feeling, even if it has to result in fighting. It hurts, but he comes back for more.
He ate the food that felt tasteless. He forced himself to swallow it, lest he faced Dan Heng’s ire. Pom-Pom slid a small holographic note to him, telling him to help clean the bathtub. His powerful hands are used to scrub the tiles clean.
The sense of purpose fills his undying heart with a little bit of relief. That’s exactly what he worries, him not having a purpose. That one day Dan Heng will have no use of him, just like after his reincarnation. That one day the dragon will forget.
“Ren!” His dragon calls. Ren leaves the plate he was eating at, and rushed to the dragon’s side.
“What?” He asked, peeking at Dan Heng’s bedroom door inside the Express.
“Oh… uhm… were you eating? I’m sorry if I disturbed you or anything I-“ Ren places his trembling finger on Dan Heng’s lips.
“I will take you to parlor car. Eat with me.” He said.
Dan Heng giggles as he flicks off the rice on Ren’s cheek. The dragon is playful today. Perhaps too playful. But Ren dismisses it. Maybe it’s not a dream after all, that they have a happy life together.
“When are you going back to the hunters?” Dan Heng asked.
“If I could… I don’t want to.” Ren looks at the dragon with regret. “I want to stay.”
“Hm. I’ll talk with Himeko about it. But I can’t guarantee.” Dan Heng whispers. “Your bounty and… crimes. I can’t erase those who you’ve hurt.”
“Mm. I understand.” Ren nods. Though his borrowed heart now has hairline cracks lining it.
“Hey, you know I can always visit you, right?” Dan Heng gently smiled.
“Mm.” The man nods. Every time he hits the road, it takes a little piece of him and it rots slowly.
The food had become even more stale on Ren’s tongue though. His food is cold, the soup lukewarm and drink halfway filled. Dan Heng took a fresh plate of food, fragrant and bright-colored. When he zoned out, Ren felt a warm spoon nudging his lips. The food tasted better than what he ate. Is it even the same food? The taste and texture itself is different. Why so? He is confuzzled.
Jazz music plays inside the Parlor Car. The melody slow and steady, while the dragon ate. It plays endlessly it seems, always calming the surroundings and maybe play melodies grace his ears from time to time. When it’s time to go back, Ren only sighs. He will lose himself inside a fantasy again, where both he and Dan Heng were never plagued by past and had restarted their romance after 700 aching years. Is it a sin to ask the dragon to abandon him? He is useless, after all.
A cold hand gripped his. The dragon noticed. He is caught.
“What are you thinking about?” Dan Heng asked.
“Nothing.” I want to speak in private. A hidden message.
“Finish the food then,” Dan Heng smiled. But his smile got downturned when Ren didn’t seem to have the appetite anymore.
“Do you know the theory of the ship of Theseus?” Ren asked. “If the ship is completely replaced over time, is the ship still the same ship or a different one?”
“Don’t ask funny things, go eat.” Dan Heng dismisses.
“I’m serious, Dan Heng. Am I even me?”
“It doesn’t matter.” The dragon simply answered.
Funnily enough, fate had different plans for Ren. The ship that’s due to fly him back was hijacked by somebody else, so he’s got a little more time to spare. He earnestly helped to clean the bathrooms and tubs, even if his trembling hands can only do so much. Dan Heng didn’t waste any more time and started to pack more stuff for Ren, dry foods, hair oils, and wound-care stuff so his scars can fade over time. It’s unnecessary, yes, but the dragon’s peace of mind is at the stake here.
Ren sat down on the bed, checking his phone and scrolling on the chat. He isn’t aware of his surroundings, things muted around him as he reads the script over and over and over again to make sure he remembers every detail. To make sure his dragon’s path is clear.
“What do you think about this- hey,” Dan Heng looked at the man who’s transfixed to the screen.
Ren felt his head being slowly lifted up, and his eyes met the gorgeous teal only oceans that were touched by the night sky looked like. The deep, deep teal that drowns him in their unshed tears. The red eyeliner Dan Heng wore today is a different color of red. A blood red color, like the tip of Ren’s hair, and like spider lilies. He’s transfixed to the face that he loves, trying to etch every detail in his mind. Trying his best to photograph the moment and tuck it deep inside him, until the impression of Dan Heng is always in the corner of his eyes like a ghost.
Sometimes, when Ren sees those eyes, he saw a glimpse of Dan Feng. A man he loved until his death and rebirth. A man so perfect, so delicate yet strong, and oh so beautiful. But perfect doesn’t always means it’s working. The man before him isn’t some toy he plays or replacement, but a real person with real feelings. He must remember that. Maybe Dan Feng will let the one who wears his face now to remember their burning love.
“Ren.” Two cold palms cooled his warm face.
“I’m fine.” I’m only here passing time in his arms.
“You are not.” The dragon refutes. “They’ve come to collect you.”
“Hm.” Ren nods, then stuffed the rest of his things inside that overnight bag Dan Heng gave. “I guess this is a goodbye.”
“A goodbye is too harsh, don’t you think?” Dan Heng whispers while smoothing out Ren’s suit jacket that he wears for disguise.
“Can you do my hair?” The hunter whispered back.
“Do you have time?” Dan Heng watches as Ren nods eagerly. Maybe Kafka will forgive him for this little reprieve.
The hair stick is snug on the base of Ren’s skull near his nape, long dark blue hair made into a half bun that’s a little lopsided but tightened. Not the same as it used to, but he appreciates it nonetheless.
“Did he… usually do your hair?” Dan Heng asked as he put in the final touches.
“Mmm. When he has the time, yes. I mostly do it on my own, but these hands can’t do intricate things anymore.” He said.
Dan Heng placed a small whisper of a kiss on the top of Ren’s neatly combed head, silently wishing the man luck and praying that his Ren will not come back even more broken than before.
“Thank you.” He felt it. He felt the kiss, burning from the top of his head to the soles of his feet. The tingle it left washes a certain calmness on him, like a sea after a large storm. In his undying heart, he wishes deep down that Dan Heng would come to terms with his actions. Of why he chases and chases and chases, even if he had to prolong it by hurting his one and only love.
For the first time, Dan Heng felt secure knowing that the admission means Ren still feels something for him. Not just a borrower of a face, not just repressed anger to the man who shackled him with life. He’s been in relationships before, but none were as fulfilling as when he’s with Ren. The man is very calm, determined and passionate. He’s not the most understanding man, but he is willing to learn new things about Dan Heng every day.
“You know my heart belongs to you.” Ren kissed the dragon’s hand, removing it slowly and peering into the eye of its owner. “I don’t know when I’ll be back. The script didn’t predict it this time.” Maybe just one last time, say that you want me too.
“I’ll be waiting for your return then.” Dan Heng smiles.
Dan Heng kept thinking about his question about the ship theory. Is it the same ship if every part is replaced? Does the human soul have sentience and how much does Ren remember if his body kept reconstructing back after being pulverized into smithereens? He has so many questions, yet the answers also led to more questions.
The top layers of the bright red eyeliner that he used already oxidized into a darker color by the time he’s finished thinking about it, making the color a richer, deeper red inside the small tin he bought. His thoughts still danced in his confused mind, while his heart misses the man who used to be his tormentor.
The dragon shivers at the thought, blood and viscera staining his memories as that man restitched the broken body in seconds. How the sight of that man used to make him recoil, but now it fills his heart with a bittersweet joy. His soul calls for that man, his body remembers. He cries when Ren cries, he laughs when Ren feels unbridled happiness.
“This is supposed to be your perfect ending.” A voice inside his head rang. “You’ll always be with me, my beloved.”
Ren
‘You didn’t let me close my eyes with dignity’
‘In the back of my eyelids, all I see is your beautiful face’
A text rang in just as Dan Heng was mulling on texting Ren. Should he be flattered or unsettled? It’s wild how Ren could just type in words that affect Dan Heng’s feelings immediately. He felt the impact to the ground, as he fell down to his knees reading it. He could feel the bracer tightening and getting hotter each second—What happened to Ren?
Kafka
‘If a-Ren texts you, he’s probably drunk out of his mind. We finally found a liquor strong enough to make him break his sober streak.’
Oh, so he’s drunk texting. How fun. Dan Heng sighs, as the worse had comes to pass it seems. But the second he looks away, a call came in with the caller ID being so familiar that he answered it on the first ring.
“Mmmm… what’re you doing?” That voice isn’t quite the same, yet it felt familiar. “Shorry if I disturb you at work, m’friends are pesterin me to call you. Dunno why.”
“You didn’t disturb me, don’t worry.” Dan Heng curtly replies. Truth to be told, he does not know how to act with a very drunk Ren on the other side of the phone. When Dan Feng died, he didn’t leave a manual on how Ren behaves after having too much to drink.
“They prolly want me to say some… uh stuff that I’ve said to them about you…” The hunter murmurs. He’s most likely back to his own hotel room.
“Is there anything you want to say about me? I’m quite curious as well.” Dan Heng coaxes the truth out of Ren’s mouth.
“Just… yknow, my heart always beats for you, and I only feel safe around you. I can only sleep beside you without waking up from my nightmares feeling empty inside. I’ve wanted to kiss you, to smother you with affection, and suffocate you with love I’ve hidden deep in the back of my heart.” Ren said with a little bit of slips and slurring his words.
Oh, how that delights Dan Heng—even if his rational side does not agree. “You are welcome to do that, remember?”
“ I do, I do. I just… wanna say it here I guess. I’ll be back in three days at most. I texted Himeko through Kafka so we can spend some time together.” The hunter professes.
“H-Himeko?!” Now Dan Heng is surprised at how talkative and bold Ren is when he’s drunk. Maybe he does need to procure this special liquor.
“Don’t worry my dear, she’s uh not exactly okay with it but I’ll convince her… probably.” Ren slurred out his words again, and maybe at the other end, he’s a slobbering mess.
“Don’t push yourself. I’ll be okay not meeting you for a bit.” Dan Heng reassures.
“What about me? I’m not okay not spending time with you.” Ren pulls out a slight whine that the dragon never knew existed.
“I’ll ask if you can stay over like last time, okay?” The dragon chuckles.
“I can hear your smile from over here. I uhm… I need to sleep.” Ren yawns, something rare that happens only if the man is overly tired or drunk.
“Sweet dreams.” Dan Heng wishes for him. Dream a little dream of me. His mind quietly adds.
Three days went past like a blur. Dan Heng had felt like it was going too fast, too much time spent on the bed not doing anything but reading Ren’s text over and over again, like he’s trying to decipher any hidden meaning within it. Supposedly, there is one.
“DAAAN HENG!!” March’s jovial scream tore him out of his daydream. “YOUR HUSBAND IS HERE!”
Husband? Oh. Shit. Dan Heng runs towards his door and opened it, but he was met with a soft wall that’s colored dark blue with the scent of blood.
“What’s the hurry?” The wall spoke, and Dan Heng froze. Warm hands snakes on his waist, and a soft kiss is placed on his head.
“Ren?” Dan Heng squeaks, unable to muster up any other word.
“Who else?” The man smirks, seemingly in a very good mood. “Answer me, beloved.”
“Ah… I was… too excited. Welcome back.” He mutters. Dan Heng sunk on the man’s hold, his cool body finally finding a warm counterpart to regulate both his emotions and temperature.
“I was going to surprise you, but that pinkie had ruined it.” Ren sulks as his large body finally enters the archive room. The door was slammed hard, and those red eyes stare down his dragon with intensity.
“March, you mean? How come does she even know that you’re my husband?” Dan Heng exasperatedly sighs.
“Ask her, not me.” Ren shrugs. “Anyways, how is my beautiful dragon?”
“I’m good. Come here, sit with me.” Dan Heng pats the futon, motioning Ren to sit down beside him.
The man sat down quickly and nearly cuddled up to Dan Heng. An arm slung over the dragon’s shoulders, another holding his thigh. Ren rests his head on his dragon’s head, taking in large breaths that calms him down quicker than Kafka ever will.
“How was the mission? I smell a little bit of blood on you.” Dan Heng asked.
“Not bad. We found the dormant Stellaron early on.” Ren answers.
“Can I sit on your lap?” The dragon experimentally mutters. Ren yanks him easily, and he ends up straddling the man within a second.
“What is that? I couldn’t hear you.” The man smirks widely. Dan Heng is reduced to a sputtering mess, unable to answer the teasing.
“When did you become such a tease?” Dan Heng hits him jokingly with a hint of annoyance. They continued to sit in silence, hearing each other’s heartbeats as it beats for each other and exchanging quiet kisses only meant for them to hear.
For a man who finally had his lover back, Ren isn’t too enthusiastic. He was waiting for the ball to drop, for the circumstances to change because Dan Heng will probably drop the act soon enough. He figured that if he acted more boldly, maybe he could do this one last time before being awkward again with the dragon.
“Why’d you stop?” The dragon whispers.
Ren only shook his head and smiled. He’s disassociating. “It’s nothing.”
“It’s something, Xing-er. Talk to me.” Dan Heng coaxes.
Unlike other times when Ren denies his past self, he only peers at Dan Heng in a strange way. Like a man finally at peace. Ren wears an expression one usually has in a coffin, serene yet stiff at the same time.
“I’m sorry for denying you of my feelings for so long.” The man finally talks. It was stilted and weirdly strained, like someone’s… crying. Can a blade even cry?
“You’ve denied yourself of your feelings, Xing-er.” He whispers. “You’re not cold, you’re not broken. You’re still, at the end of the day, my husband. And I’ve accepted you for who you are already.”
“How can you when all I’ve given you is uncertainty?” Ren asked.
“To be loved is to be known,” Dan Heng started. “And you know me too well.”
“Why didn’t you question that I acted the way I did earlier?” He asked quietly.
“Why then?”
“I thought… maybe, just maybe, you’d finally want me too if I act like him.” He is desperate for something to hold on. Something to signal that Dan Heng truly accepted who he is and who he isn’t. “You know that I do love you, very much, but how do I know that you love me too?”
“I’m sorry, Xing-er.” Dan Heng mutters. The cold teal eyes got a little glassy, but that’s about it.
“I’m glad we kissed.” Ren admits. “The least I could give you before I depart again for another mission.”
“You have another mission? When? Where? Why?” Dan Heng sounded like he cared a lot.
“It’s far away, in two days, and because… I’m not sure I could face you on the anniversary of our past marriage.” He mustered up the courage to say.
“When is it?” Dan Heng asked.
“The Sedition. We said our vows and you bowed three times as I lay dying.” Ren looked away, unable to stop his tears. “Our clothes are red because of blood, not because of the joyous occasion. But it was enough.”
“Was it?” Dan Heng tilts his head, face looking concerned.
“I had hoped for a wedding someday under a waterfall, where we say our vows under the stars instead of missiles and broken walls.” Ren held Dan Heng’s arm tighter and tighter. “I had hoped that one day you’ll wear the ring I made for us.”
“Where is it now?” The dragon asks.
Ren opens his clothing, and there is a hidden pocket on the inside lining of his shirt. A small ring on a broken chain is there, while the other of the pair is under the bandages of his hand. It is still gleaming bright, an intricate braid pattern with a delicate, small diamond on it. To think that it’s still in pristine condition is insanely unlikely.
“I kept it safe, even from that witch. For a time, it was hidden inside my body where it fused inside a wound.” Ren whispers. “It’s placed at the bottom of my heart, and the only body part that’s never wounded anymore.”
Dan Heng examines Ren’s body first and foremost before the ring, looking at the countless new bandages lining up his torso. He poured a lot of cloudhymn healing to soothe the wounds, but a hand pushed it off gently.
“I don’t need it.” He whispers. “But thank you nonetheless.”
“Why wouldn’t you need it?” Dan Heng gasps. He seemed almost offended. “Let me at least do something for you.”
“You’ve done everything already. Don’t worry, beloved.” Ren, for the first time in a long time, cracked a wide smile. “Your words are enough to give me life.”
“Why do you even still love me?” The dragon asks.
“Why not?” Such a simple answer. “You soothe me, you healed me, and you will always let me hold you especially when I’m not feeling well. It’s… quite enough for me.”
Dan Heng slowly started to hold Ren and cradle his head gently. For a time, they stayed like that, with the dragon rocking back and forth while silent tears rolled down his cheeks. He doesn’t deserve Ren’s love.
“I love you too.” He whispers. Finally admitting that he too, sway in the same tune of love that Ren danced in.
The man freezes under his hold, and the hands that now snaked his waist tightened. It was apparent to him that Ren was never expecting to really be loved back in this lifetime, and was nursing away scraps of their past’s broken memories to live on. He scavenged for affection that Dan Heng rarely gives, and always content on whatever the younger decides to do.
Maybe he’s gotten used to loving Ren. The quiet kind of love, admiration and care. The way in which Ren silently sharpens Cloud Piercer, and the way in which he never crosses Dan Heng’s boundary beyond a battle. He’s never once crossed the dragon’s personal space, keeping it a Shard Sword’s length without verbal and physical consent.
“Hey, just remember that I now know that I love whatever’s wrong with you, okay? And I mean it lightheartedly.” Dan Heng attempts to calm the weeping man down, whose sniffles are muffled on Dan Heng’s chest.
“This is so complicated.” The man replies. “I fucked up a lot of things, Dan Heng.”
“Me too.” The dragon quietly adds. “Would you still like me to call you by that name or not?”
“Whatever you call me with, I will come regardless.” He pulls Dan Heng impossibly tighter. “Unless death calls me first to their arms.”
The younger began to pepper kisses on Ren’s face, wanting to show that he’s loved and appreciated, his presence always welcome and his confessions always heard. Ruby irises only ponder at him with that nearly blank stare, but Dan Heng knows it’s a stare of admiration. It never once blinked between kisses, wanting to remember this moment without any intermissions.
“Can I live in this moment forever?” Ren whispers.
“I wish we could, husband.” Dan Heng kisses the lips of a man he thought is long dead.