Allow Yourself to Feel

by of_roses_and_darkness

Summary:

SPOILERS FOR NEWEST EPISODE

What if the bathroom scene with Jax went differently? Pomni can't shake a bad feeling and decides to check on Jax. Good thing she did.

Alternatively,

Jax learns to let himself feel.

Notes:

Brainworms... I was going to make this a one shot but now that I wrote it I realize I wanna go somewhere with it. Heheheheh.... Also also I know I already made a Jax abstraction fic, but this is- it's a bit of everything, you'll see. Also how can I resist? The angst writes itself.

Chapter 1: Blinded

Jax can't think straight. He hasn't been able to since his fight with Pomni, ugh–

Why is he like this? Why is he always like this? 

Jax sees everyone else head up to the front for the award ceremony. He tries his best not to make eye contact with anyone, but his eyes land straight on Pomni, who coincidentally also staring directly at him. 

He immediately looks back and heads as far away from everyone as he possibly can. 

Jax can do this. 

It's just one awards show, he's got this. 

It's a stupid, simple awards show. He can sit through it. 

Right?

When did the lights get brighter? God, the lights are piercing his eyes with how bright they are. Seriously, what gives? 

His situation is not helped when Caine's voice booms through the sound system. And he can't– he can't hear anything else. 

It's so fucking loud. 

His ears drop on command, flinching from the sudden loud noise. 

Every sense is heightened even more so right now.

“What about all the stuff you told me?”

Fuck…

Fuck— 

It keeps replaying it won't fucking stop. Jax wants it to shut up, he wants his mind to shut up. 

It won't stop– nothing is stopping everything keeps going—

Jax notices a new sound added to the assault on his ears. His own heartbeat. 

What the fuck is happening?

Caine is too loud, the lights are too bright, people keep clapping, Pomni’s voice won't shut the fuck up in his head–

He can't—

Maybe Jax can't do this, maybe he doesn't got this–

Fuck—

He can't be here. Especially not if Pomni is staring at him. 

What if Pomni is staring at him right now? 

Fuck– Jax has to leave– he can't do this, he can't fucking do this—

~ ☆ ~

Jax bolts it to the bathroom. He couldn't have been quick enough. 

He turns on the sink in hopes to drown out the sound of his heartbeat, which is only getting louder and louder and louder and—

Deep breaths. 

Right?

Right—

That's— that's what Ragatha would say– or something like that—

Deep breaths. 

1…

2…

Fuck it's not working, why isn't it working?

His vision is getting more blurry by the second, he can't think, he can't focus, he can't—

Is this what going insane feels like?

Jax looks up at the mirror and finally sees himself.

Except it's not himself, the person staring back isn't Jax bust instead an impostor. 

“You look terrible right now.” He mutters to himself. 

Jax continues to stare into the mirror as if the person looking back will suddenly make sense to him. 

He blinked, and in a split second his reflection changed. It takes his mind a second to process–

Ribbit is suddenly staring at him from the mirror. 

“No– no you're not here.” He breathes out to himself and definitely not to the hallucination staring back at him. 

“You're not—” 

And then Jax starts laughing. 

Uncontrollably laughing. He's finally fucking lost it. Holy fuck, he's going insane. 

~ ☆ ~

“Hey, Pomni, what's wrong…?” Pomni thinks that Ragatha looks wearier than before, and normally she'd ask back but right now she can't be bothered. 

She can't stop thinking about Jax. 

“I… earlier me and Jax sort of… got into a fight. A bad one and I… well, I'm worried about him.” 

A flash of understanding and an underlying sadness flashes through Ragatha's eyes. 

“I saw him run off to the bathroom, you could always check to make sure he's okay–”

Pomni isn't questioning the fact that this means Ragatha has been staring back at Jax too. 

She nods. 

“Yeah I think… yeah I think I'm going to go and do that.” 

Ragatha gives her an encouraging and worried nod.

Pomni gets up and goes to the bathroom. She didn't even really want to go to this award ceremony anyways. 

Way too much going on. 

She makes her way to the bathroom and is almost too scared to knock. 

Pomni knocks anyways. 

“Hey, Jax… I just— listen about earlier…” She tries but the words remain dead on her lips. 

She takes a deep breath. Why doesn't she just go for the truth right now?

“Hey, Jax– listen, I'm worried about you– I want you to be okay—”

No response. 

“Jax?”

Silence. 

And then…

Sobbing…? 

Is Pomni hearing this correctly…?

“Jax—”

She's scared. 

No, screw that. If today hasn't taught her anything, if Jax hadn't– 

She shouldn't be scared, she should just go for it. 

Fuck it.

Pomni kicks down the door. It falls and for a split second she remains still in pure shock that it worked. 

That's when she sees him– Jax is huddled in the corner with his legs to his chest and is hyperventilating. 

She wastes no time in running over to him. 

“Hey, hey— Jax–” Her voice is trying to be steady. She knows she's trying out the whole being fearless thing but she is pretty fucking fearful now. 

“Pom– pomni am– am I dying? Is—” Through struggled breaths that's all Jax manages to get out. 

Pomni sits beside him and shakes her head.

“No, you're not dying Jax. You're having a panic attack, a really bad one… but it's not the same as dying.”

Even if it feels like it. 

Pomni doesn't know a lot but that's one thing she does know for sure. 

“Ar– are you sure? Because– because Ribbit said that he started seeing things that weren't there and and I—” 

…Pomni didn't think she could get more worried for her friend. 

“Hey– hey, none of that right now– checking invisible boxes is only going to make you panic more– let's try something more physical, yeah?”

She's trying to get over the fact that Jax admitted to having hallucinations. 

One step at a time. One thing at a time. 

She has no clue how to deal with that— but panic attacks? That she can handle. 

Jax nods shakily. 

She doesn't know if asking for visual things will set him off so she has to work around it. 

“Okay… what are 4 things you can touch?”

Jax feels the floor beneath them both, then the wall, then himself, and then very gently and shakily, Pomni’s leg.

“The– the floor, the wall– you and uh…”

Pomni encourages him. “You got this.”

“My– my arm–”

She nods. “Good… what about 3 things you can hear?”

“Uh– my– my voice, your voice– my– my heart beating.”

Ah, yeah… Pomni knows that too well. 

She still gives him another encouraging nod. 

“2 things you can smell?”

Jax scrunches his nose. “How unclean this bathroom is and… and your scent–” 

Pomni smiles. Yeah the bathroom floor is fucking disgusting but neither of them care about that. 

“Good…”

“One thing you can taste…?”

“Uh… I mean does that even really count here?”

Pomni blinks. “Oh, yeah, you're right–” She forgot entirely that they're in the circus. 

He seems more… calm. So that's good. 

“Listen… we don't– we don't have to talk about what that was. I can even forget it happened if you really want me to, but Jax– I do care about you.” 

Jax nods idly. He clearly doesn't want to talk about it. 

Though, she doesn't know about the whole forgetting thing— 

Yeah, sure, she could just not bring it up but she doubts she's going to forget about it anytime soon. Especially with what he was saying earlier… 

“Thanks, Pomni.” Jax sounds exhausted. 

Pomni smiles. “No problem, Jax.”

They sit on the bathroom floor in silence for a while. 

Chapter 2: Thing Are Only Going to Get Worse

Summary:

What the chapter title says, heh... Jax comes to terms with the fact that hes abstracting. He's completely fine with it... right? Pomni and Ragatha talk. It's a good talk, but Pomni has other things on her mind.

Notes:

THE SUPPORT HAS BEEN CRAZY YALL. Here's chapter 2!!!

It's the next day and Jax has come to a conclusion. 

He's dying. 

Or at least, abstracting. 

That's the consensus he's come too. It's the only logical one. 

He's had panic attacks a few times before but that… seeing fake Ribbit like that it– it reminded him of when—

Well, that doesn't matter does it? 

With this he's come to another conclusion. He's not going to say anything or treat the rest of the time he has left like a bucket list. 

If he's going out, it's going to be as normal as possibly can be right now, no goodbyes, no sappy anything– not that anyone would care. 

Jax has put thought into this before. What he would do if he were to abstract. Of course… it's a little different now that he actually knows he's going to. But that's okay. 

Hopefully nobody figures it out. Both Pomni and Ragatha are pretty perceptive and Pomni did see yesterday…

But she promised not to say anything. Also, she knows the least about this sort of thing so it's probably not an immediate giveaway. 

Maybe someone will figure out something closer to the end, but at that point he figures he’ll have nothing to lose. 

Jax isn't upset that he's dying. It's an inevitable part of the circus, that's something he's learned during his time being here. 

Honestly he thinks it's the most cruel thing about the circus. 

You can't die but you'll live long enough to see yourself become something truly terrifying. 

And Jax is prepared for that. He is. 

A huffs out a sigh on his bed. He hates his room, he despises every part of it. But now that he's abstracting? This is where he's going to be more. 

One thing Jax refuses to do is let the others see what he's going to become. 

That's simply a line he won't cross, no one's going to be with him in his final moments. He couldn't do that to anyone in the circus. 

Jax isn't upset that he's abstracting. 

He just isn't. 

Out of the corner of his eye, a photo on his stand catches his attention. He gets up off his bed to see which one it is. 

Jax isn't a big photo person. 

Oh, right. 

It's the one of him and Pomni in front of Zooble's door. 

For some stupid and unknown reason, Jax picks the photo up to look at it closer. 

Pomni looks happy. The happiest he's ever seen her since she's arrived at the circus. Jax was there. He got to be a part of her happiest moment. 

He's not upset that he's abstracting. 

He's not upset that he's abstracting

He's not upset that he's–

Jax's fingers trace him and Pomni on the photo and for the first time since he's realized he's abstracting, his chest aches. 

It's not an ache like yesterday, that was different. It's a different kind of ache. A burning one. 

One that almost makes him upset that he's—

No. 

Pomni can find another friend, she will find another friend. She can make plenty. 

Jax won't be one of them. 

Jax isn't one of them. 

Because he doesn't have any friends left.

Not anymore. 

There's no point in getting close to Pomni if he knows he's just going to leave. There's no point in lying to himself as if nothing bad is going to happen. 

Jax swears that staring at this photo is going to make him abstract faster.

Or suddenly not be okay with abstracting. 

And he can't have that. 

Because Jax isn't upset that he's abstracting. 

He's not. 

So there's only one solution that comes to mind. 

He makes his way out of his room and out of the main part of the circus and into the back of it. 

There's a slew of garbage cans right in front of him. For a small, miniscule, moment he stares at the photo with regret. 

That is of course right before he tosses it into the garbage. 

Because Jax isn't upset. 

Suddenly Jax perks his ears up as he hears a noise— someone’s here, oh shit someone's here, someone's—

There's nobody there. 

But Jax does see fake Ribbit staring at him for a millisecond before disappearing into thin air. 

Fuck. 

He's going to have to get used to that. 

How could he ever get used to that?

He'll just have to. 

Jax stares at the photo, he can still see the indent from where he traced Pomni's smile. 

He then puts the lid on and walks away from it all. 

Because that's what he always did, and that's what he's going to continue to do in the end. 

~ ☆ ~

“Hey, Pomni, can I talk to you for a second…?”

Pomni was startled out of her thoughts by the sound of Ragatha's voice. So much so that she visibly jumps because of it. 

“Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to startle you…-” She looks really worried that she had done something wrong. 

Pomni shakes her head. “It wasn't you, I was just… lost in thought I guess.”

Thinking about Jax. 

And the fact that Jax admitted that he's been seeing things. 

But she promised not to say anything, she promised–

Who is she to break a promise to a friend?

Ragatha nods. Pomni still isn't fully checked into this conversation. 

“So… how did checking in with Jax go?” Ragatha didn't beat around the bush, Pomni could tell she was worried too. 

What does she do?

No, it didn't go okay. Jax is seeing things. I'm worried he's abstracting. I don't want to lose my friend. 

She promised Jax though, she promised—

“It went… okay.” She lies. Right to Ragatha's face. And she feels terrible about it. 

“Ribbit said that he started seeing things that weren't there and and I—” 

How would Ragatha even react? She knows they aren't as close as they used to be, but there's still a level of bond or… something between the two. 

God, Pomni is destroying herself over this. 

Maybe she needs to talk to Jax–

What good will that even do? 

“Anyways, um… earlier… before the awards, we were going to talk, yeah?” 

Ragatha nods. “Yeah… I don't mind who goes first.”

Pomni doesn't either. 

Honestly though she doesn't even want to be having this conversation right now. 

She promised—

“I'm sorry about putting you on the spot for the whole partners thing, I didn't mean to make you feel weird or upset by it–” 

Ragatha’s eyes light up. “Oh my gosh, Pomni, no! I'm the one who's sorry! I didn't want you to think that we were drifting apart or anything I just—”

Pomni nods. She understands. 

But there's an intrusive thought in her brain that makes her wonder about if the whole drifting apart thing was supposed to even be about her. It sounds like it was more meant for Jax. 

She promised—

“I understand, Ragatha. If this helps any, I still consider you a close friend.” She plasters a smile for Ragatha. It's derived from a genuine place but put up as a mask because she can't bring herself to actually smile right now. 

The last time she smiled was with Jax. 

She promised—

Ragatha’s eyes light up, it looks as if a big weight has been lifted off her chest. It does make Pomni happy. She just… can't find it in herself to feel happy right now. 

Not after everything that happened last night. 

“I consider you a close friend too, Pomni. I had… a talk with Kinger that really made me think about things.” 

Pomni nods. “Yeah, Kinger can really be… insightful.” She remembers when she was in well– hell– with Kinger. 

Ragatha nods and smiles. It genuinely seems like she's doing a lot better than before, her smile seems more… real. 

How much would it falter if Pomni tells Ragatha? 

How much would Jax falter if she breaks her promise? 

“Are you sure you're okay, Pomni?” 

It's as if her and Ragatha swapped roles. She plasters on the quickest fake smile she could muster and nods. 

“Yeah. This conversation has really helped me.” 

Ragatha nods. “I'm glad.” 

“Me too.”

~ ☆ ~

Pomni is conflicted. Except, not really. She knows exactly what she wants to do. She wants to go up to Jax, scream at him, and make sure he's okay. 

She wants to break her promise and tell someone—

Pomni knows nothing about abstraction. She doesn't know what the signs are. However, she does know panic attacks. 

And she's never seen things that aren't there because of a panic attack. 

When she had found him, when he had admitted that to her, it's almost as if he was mentally checking off some sort of list. 

The others seem to have a baseline understanding of abstraction. But to have a checklist…?

She wants to throttle him for all the information he knows so she can help him. 

Maybe she's blowing this out of proportions and he's not abstracting. 

Maybe. 

But what if she doesn't say anything?

What if Jax does abstract and she says nothing? 

Could she live with herself if that happened?

She promised Jax, she promised—

It could be nothing. And if it is nothing then she'd have broken the trust that took so long to be built between the two. 

But if it's something then…

Jax would never look at her the same, it would undoubtedly shake up what they had. Even if Jax claims what they had was nothing. 

Because she knows that's not true, it can't be. 

He cares. 

Which is why it would hurt him so much if she broke her promise. 

“What if I abstracted tomorrow?” 

Pomni didn't think she'd have to be on the other end of that and think about what she'd do if Jax abstracted. 

Those words came so easily because she knew she wasn't going to abstract. 

Now it's a possibility that Jax might and she's fucking terrified.  

Those words suddenly don't come easily in her head. She had said it to prove a point. 

And now… 

Well now she has no fucking clue what to do. 

What can she even do?

She has to do something–

She has to do something. 

“I can even forget it happened if you really want me to”

She can't forget about it. She hasn't been able to forget about it. She doesn't think she could forget about it even if she tried. 

One thing she is certain about is that whatever decision she makes?

Things are only going to get worse from here on out.

Notes:

Heh....

Chapter 3: Secret

Summary:

Jax and Pomni have an argument. Pomi has an enlightened conversation in a dark room with Kinger.

Notes:

Tuesdays and Thursdays are my planned upload days! Enjoy!

Jax hasn't slept in 72 hours. Which… okay, yeah sure, being in the circus means that no one technically needs sleep. But their bodies still need a shut off period, so the effects might as well be the same as actual sleep deprivation. 

It's fine, it's not like he's tired anyways. He doesn't need sleep. He's fine.

~ ☆ ~ 

“Hey Jax!” 

“... Ribbit, what are you doing up?” 

“Oh I haven't slept. Can't sleep.” 

“Why? Are you okay?” 

“Perfectly fine!” 

~ ☆ ~

If this was Ribbit's definition of perfectly fine then they either needed a better dictionary or Jax needed to look further. 

But of course he didn't. 

Because why would he? 

Jax can feel the start of insanity coming on. And it's terrifying. 

He's fine, though. Perfectly fine. 

Because Jax knew this would come with abstracting, he's accepted it, this is a part of the process. 

It's so much different going through it. 

What if he actually doesn't want to—?

No. 

No, he can't spend his time on stupid hopes like that. Because what if he actually decides he wants to live? 

There's not shit he can do to fix himself, he's going down and there's no room to have hope. Because all that's going to do is make him miserable once he realizes he can't fix anything. 

Having hope in a hopeless situation is fucking stupid, and all it does is lead to pain. Pain Jax doesn't need any more of. 

This fucking sucks. 

Suddenly, there's a knock on his door. And Jax jumps. Full on jumps backwards from his spot on the bed. 

He's getting worse and worse. 

And it's scaring him, just a little. 

Just enough.

Scrambling to act like nothing happened, Jax sits up and shouts through the door. 

“What do you want?” 

Probably Ragatha or something. She's been big on feelings and shit lately. 

“Can– can we talk…?”

It's Pomni. Jax blinks, sitting there, staring at the door for a solid 20 seconds before replying. 

He should say no. 

“Sure, but let's do it in the hallway.” 

Ugh, why did he say yes?

If he's doing this in no way is it going to be in his room. Fuck that. 

Jax walks up to the door and opens it. All Pomni does is stare. 

“You look… worse than before.” Pomni states bluntly. 

Jax rolls his eyes. “Yeah, keep going with those lines and I'm sure we'll make it as a couple.” 

Joking is the only thing that's going to get him through this. Does he really look that bad already?

Pomni's probably overreacting. 

“What did you want to talk about?” Jax changes the subject, already regretting even agreeing to talk. 

Pomni keeps staring. 

Why is her staring even bugging him so much?

It's freaking him out a little. 

“I wanted to talk about what happened a few days ago… at the award ceremony.”

Oh.

That. 

“You said you wouldn't talk about it.” 

Pomni shakes her head. “I'm not talking about it with anyone else, just you.”

Yeah this sucks. 

Jax groans. “Nothing happened. There's nothing that needs to be talked about. It was a fluke.”

A fluke.

A mistake.

A mistake that shouldn't have happened. 

“That wasn't a fluke…” He can see the worry in Pomni's eyes. 

“It was. I'm fine.”

He's fine. Perfectly fine. 

“Jax, you admitted to hallucinating. Are you still…?”

Jax nearly forgot he had said that outloud. He said too much, far too much. 

Which is why this whole conversation scares him more than it should. 

“No.”

Pomni isn't convinced, at all. Jax probably could've sold it a lot better. 

God damn it, he can already feel his mind leaving him, he's already off his game more than he wants to be right now. 

“You're my friend, Jax, I'm worried about you…” Pomni sounds sad. 

Great. Another thing he's ruined. 

Remember how in that photo she seemed so happy?

Something in Jax snaps. He doesn't know why he's letting her go on this long. 

“We’re not.”

“Not what?”

“Friends.” 

Pomni stares at him in disbelief, like she's not buying a single word that he's saying at the moment. 

Why won't she back off?

“You don't mean that.” She doesn't say it in a hurt tone, but in a confident one. She knows for a fact he's lying out of his ass.

He'll miss Pomni when he's gone.

No, he won't. 

Because they aren't friends. 

Jax doesn't have any of those.

Not anymore. 

He doesn't have anyone he's going to miss, and there's no one who's going to miss him. 

And that's exactly how he wants it to be. 

It's exactly how it needs to be. 

“Yes, I do. We aren't friends, we weren't ever friends. Whatever bond you thought we had? You made that up. Because I don't feel anything when I think about you, you mean nothing to me.”

Jax thinks he sounded a bit too manic. A bit too insane. 

Pomni blinks. “I don't believe you.”

“Then that sounds like a you problem, not a me problem.” 

Her eyes light up with determination. She's determined to make Jax admit he cares.

And he's not going to do it. 

Because he doesn't. 

And if he did?

Well, that doesn't matter because he doesn't. 

“You were the one who let me help you.” 

Jax scoffs. “Pomni, I was so unfocused from what was happening it could've been a piece of f!&$%g corn that helped me and I wouldn't have cared. You meant nothing in that situation. It could have been literally anyone else in the circus and it wouldn't have made a difference to me.”

He's lying out of his ass. 

“I want the old Jax back.” Pomni whispers it, sounding incredibly small. 

~ ☆ ~

“I want the old Ribbit back.”

“Yeah, well, that ship sailed a long time ago.”

~ ☆ ~

“Yeah, well, that ship sailed a long time ago.” Jax says it as coldly as he possibly could. 

Pomni stares at him for a few extra seconds before turning away and walking out from this conversation. 

She looks hurt. 

Good, maybe she'll stop caring. 

Maybe that means she won't feel anything when he's gone. 

~ ☆ ~

Pomni is fucking overwhelmed. She didn't know what she was expecting from Jax, but it wasn't that. 

She knows he's lying, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt at all. 

It stung a lot. It pierced her heart and broke it into a bunch of tiny pieces. 

He's lying. 

She knows that. 

Still though…

“You meant nothing in that situation.”

He looked… done. Jax looked like he hadn't slept in 48 hours or more, or that he was really hungover. 

Pomni actually had to take time to process how bad Jax looked when she first started talking to him. 

She should tell someone. 

But she promised—

Jax looked terrible. She needs to tell someone–

Suddenly all the colors of the circus begin to bother her. The array of colors are too… loud. Too overwhelming, she can't stand it right now– 

Pomni looks around for anywhere to hide. From the world. From the circus. She just… needs and out for the moment. 

That's when she sees a dark tunnel that leads into a different part of the circus. The tunnel is long and perfect, odds are no one would see her in there. 

She immediately goes into it and sits down. The darkness consumes her and she welcomes it. It's already calming her down a little bit. Way better than the colors. 

As she's sitting down, she thinks she feels something. “Is– is anyone here?” She asks, silently fucking praying nobody is. 

“Oh, hey Pomni! It's just me.” Kinger replies. 

Oh, it's Kinger. 

She's actually fine with that, she's not as opposed to it as she would be if it were anyone else. 

She can faintly see Kinger sitting down next to her. 

“What brings you here, Pomni?” 

While Pomni initially wanted time to think for herself, she thinks talking about it with Kinger may actually help. 

So she decides to be honest. 

“The circus was kinda… too much. I wanted a clear space to think, y'know?” It sounds a little sad and pathetic, but it's okay. 

Kinger hums in agreement. “I get that. The dark helps me think as well.”

There's a small pause where they're both just sitting there in silence.

Then,

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

Pomni hesitates for a moment. Trying to gather her words in a way that doesn't completely expose what happened between her and Jax. 

“I have this friend… who– who I'm concerned about. This friend… admitted something to me that I'm worried about. And I want to make it better… but I promised I wouldn't tell anyone else. I thought that maybe it was nothing but my friend seemed worse today and well… I'm scared. I don't know what to do.”

Pomni's voice trembles at the last sentence, her voice cracks and she feels like she could cry at any moment. 

That was a lot more than she thought she'd share. Pomni takes a deep breath. Kinger is wise, he'll help, hopefully… Pomni is just– endlessly worried. 

She's speaking without mentioning his name, almost like she's disconnected from the story. Except it's the exact opposite. This means everything to her. 

Kinger moves a little closer and Pomni doesn't fight it. It's oddly comforting for her right now. 

“If it's information someone wants you to keep from others, that's not a promise, that's a secret. And secrets can have a habit of being more trouble than they're worth.” 

Pomni takes that information in. It's not a promise, it's a secret. 

Jax wanted her to keep a secret. 

One that might hurt him…

She stays silent for a while, letting that thought sit with her for a bit. 

“What if… I tell someone and I'm wrong? Then my friend would just be betrayed.”

Kinger hums before replying. “That is a possibility. But, Pomni, you have notable instincts that I think are worth trusting. You're really smart. And also… you have to think about it.” Kinger pauses. 

“What's the worst scenario? Your friend being upset or whatever the alternative is if you don't say anything?”

“What would you do if I abstracted tomorrow?” 

She didn't think she'd be on the other side of that.

But now she is, and she has to consider her options. 

Jax being pissed at her vs Jax abstracting. 

She knows which one she'd choose. It's not even an actual choice, really, now that she is thinking about it like this. It was never a choice. 

“Thank you, Kinger…”

“Anytime, Pomni.”

~ ☆ ~ 

Jax doesn't know how to feel after that. 

Hopefully it stops Pomni from caring. Hopefully it makes her want him gone. 

That'd be the ideal scenario, wouldn't it? 

His room suddenly is the worst place for him to be. 

His ears perk up as he swears he hears a laugh. Jax turns his head around to try and figure out where it came from. It came from nowhere. 

That's when he realizes it was Ribbit's laugh. 

The laughter grows louder and Jax is going fucking insane trying to find a source for a noise that doesn't even exist. 

He sees a glimpse of Ribbit’s face again.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I'M SORRY, OKAY! I'M SORRY!”

It's a scream that tears out of his throat. One he doesn't feel ashamed screaming because no one will hear him or care anyways. 

Ribbit is gone. 

He's losing it. 

He's actually fucking losing it. 

The mirror beside him is taunting him. 

Why does he even have mirrors?

Jax can't stay confined in his room. It's going to kill him faster than abstraction will. 

He can't stay in here, he can't stay in here, he can't–

The mirror is taunting him, maybe it's the one laughing at him. 

Jax begins tearing his room apart to try and stop the noise. 

It won't stop. 

It's not ever going to stop. 

Not until he's gone.

Notes:

Y'all will get to see Jax's room in a later chapter.

Chapter 4: Running

Summary:

Pomni can't run from the fact that she might lose Jax. Jax can't run from how fast he's deteriorating.

Notes:

HI. I'm sorry for not uploading Tuesday when the week prior was when I said I'd have a new upload schedule. This week has been... eventful. Anyway, enjoy!

Pomni feels scared. Okay, that's not entirely surprising, she feels scared a lot of the time but… this is different. 

The fear she feels right now is different from any of their previous adventures, or when she had to hold her breath, it's separate from any of that. 

And that terrifies her even more. 

It's the type of fear she doesn't ever want to feel again after this. 

She could lose Jax. 

Her brain isn't entirely sure how to wrap around that fact. 

Pomni has to talk to Ragatha, and she has to do it soon. 

Pomni peeks her head around the corner to see Ragatha standing by herself. Now would be the time to talk to her, she doesn't want everyone else to know just yet.

Her legs don't want to move. They want to remain firmly planted into the ground. She moves anyway, ignoring how much of an effort it's taking her to do it. 

“Hey, Ragatha…?”

She's already a nervous wreck. 

Ragatha's eyes light up, she's happy to see Pomni. 

Pomni can't help but wonder exactly how long that's going to last when they start this conversation. 

“What's up, Pomni?”

It's okay. 

She's got this. 

It's just one conversation. 

Just one simple—

“Can we talk? Um… privately? In your room?” 

She already feels like she's fucking this up. Ragatha still has her upbeat demeanor, but Pomni can see the cracks of worry spreading. 

“Of course!”

Pomni feels like she's going to break into a million tiny pieces. 

The 1-2 minute walk to her room feels like 1-2 hours of walking in silence. 

It's okay. 

She's got this. 

They make it to Ragatha's room and Ragatha gently shuts the door behind them. 

“What's wrong?” 

Everything. 

Where does she even begin?

Telling Ragatha means admitting she lied to her face earlier. 

Telling Ragatha means admitting that she's been lying to everyone. 

Telling Ragatha means admitting that Jax actually needs help. 

And she's fucking mortified. 

This makes it true. Before, with Kinger, it was simply a concept. A hypothetical situation where Kinger didn't ask for any details and she didn't give any. 

This? This makes it real. 

Which means she might really lose Jax. 

And she doesn't want that. 

“Pomni…?”

Fuck. 

“I…-”

She tries, she truly does, but the words get caught in her throat. She's trying so desperately to make them leave, to say something. 

For fucks sake her friend could be in need if serious help and she's struggling to speak. 

“I– I—”

She starts breathing heavily, as if making rapid breaths will help expel the words that are clung to her. 

“Woah, Pomni, hey… whatever it is, we'll figure it out, okay? I need you to take a deep breath with me, yeah? Try to match my breathing.”

Pomni nods as if she's an idle doll being told what to do and what to think. Because she can't do much else at the moment. 

She stares at Ragatha’s chest rising and falling and attempts to match it. 

Her friend is in trouble and she's struggling to breathe. 

Her friend is in trouble and she can't even manage to say it outloud. 

She needs to get the words out soon, she needs to say it out loud, she needs—

“I lied.”

Well, that's not exactly what she was planning on starting with, but at least it's actual words this time and not strangled noises?

She decides to not wait for Ragatha’s reaction and keep going, because if she stops she doesn't know if she’ll have the courage to start again. 

“I lied to you, earlier. When you asked about how Jax was doing? I lied. I– I went to the bathroom and he was having a panic attack. A bad one. And– and I was able to help, because I kinda– know those too well– anyways– he uh— he– he offhandedly admitted that he was hallucinating. And I uh– I didn't say anything, not at first, because I didn't know what it meant. He made me promise to not say anything. I was concerned but I didn't— um but today he looked so much worse and when I asked if he was still hallucinating he didn't say anything and then Kinger told me that it wasn't a promise but it was a secret and now I'm scared I'm going to lose him and I don't wanna lose my best friend…-”

She says the last sentence with such raw vulnerability that she doesn't even recognize her own voice. 

Wow, yeah she was not expecting to say all of that. But she did. 

Pomni just admitted all of that outloud. 

Ragatha stares at her, dumbstruck. Pomni figures her brain is trying to load and process the important bits of what Pomni had just said. 

“Jax is hallucinating…?” 

Is all she manages to ask quietly. Pomni knows she knows the answer, she just can't process it fully. 

“Yeah… he's not– he's not doing good right now.” 

The image of Jax looking all tattered and like he hasn't slept in ages is burnt into her mind. 

Pomni pauses. She debates on telling Ragatha exactly what he said, the part about Ribbit. 

She ultimately decides against it. She doesn't know enough about that to answer any questions about what Jax had meant by that.

Pomni can see the complicated slew of emotions coursing through Ragatha. 

This is why Pomni wanted to go to her first. 

Even given the fact that her and Jax don't get along all that much, she knows Ragatha would help come up with a plan regardless. She knows him more than almost anyone. 

“We need to do something. Pomni, I'm glad you told me— but we need to talk to Jax. We– we need to help him.”

Both Ragatha almost saying we ‘have’ to help him and the unspoken ‘before it's too late’ goes unmentioned between the two of them. No matter how obvious those were. 

“Yeah. I agree.” 

Pomni doesn't want to lose her friend. 

~ ☆ ~

Jax feels like he's floating. Not in a good way, in a ‘I am losing my fucking mind’ way. 

Each day he can feel himself getting closer to the brink of insanity. 

And that's almost worse than actually going insane. 

Scratch that, it is worse. 

Knowing that you're going to be someone unrecognizable and not being able to do anything to change it? 

It's horrifying. 

Jax is eventually going to turn into a monster. 

Maybe he's already become the monster, he's not entirely sure. 

His head hurts. It's a throbbing pain that's pulsating throughout his whole body. 

Maybe the true abstraction has already happened and Jax is already a hollow husk of what he used to be. Maybe the actual act of abstracting is an act of service, and the entire process beforehand is the true monster.

Wow. He needs to stop thinking.

Except that's all he seems to do. 

Jax is fine with abstracting. 

He has to be. 

“GOOD MORNING MY —” Instead of saying some dumb nickname, Caine simply glitches for a solid 10 seconds before going back to normal. 

Jax has seen Caine glitch before but right now it's messing with him. The glitching is humming in his brain, even after it's over. 

Whatever, it's fine. He'll learn to ignore it. 

“What's the adventure this time?” Zooble already sounds done and annoyed and Jax doesn't blame them one bit. 

He doesn't want to do whatever it is. 

“I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED! I LOVE YOUR ENTHUSIASM ZOOBLE! TODAY YOU ALL WILL BE DERAILING A TRAIN! THIS WILL TEACH YOU ALL COMMUNICATION.” 

“But haven't we already dealt with tra—”

Before Zooble can even finish they're teleported onto the train. 

Great. 

Just what Jax needed today. 

Jax spawns on the train right next to Zooble and Zooble keeps staring at Jax. 

“Do you have something to tell me plug n’ play?”

“You look like s%!t.” Zooble says it bluntly, maybe with a hint of concern?

No, Jax is imaging it, he has to be. Zooble doesn't give a shit about him. 

“Wow, thanks for that lovely observation. I know my beauty is hard not to notice.” 

Zooble rolls their eyes, no small hint of concern anymore.

Good. That's how it needs to be. 

“How are we going to stop the train?” 

Ragatha chimes in and Jax is glad for the change of topic. 

“OOH! BUTTERFLY!” Kinger immediately jumps off the train to follow a golden butterfly. 

Well, there goes one member. 

“Does anyone know literally anything about trains?” Pomni asks. 

Jax shrugs. “You guys are taking this too seriously.” 

Instead of the reaction Jax was expecting, both Pomni and Ragatha seem to get sad at that comment. 

What the fuck?

Y'know what, no, it's not his problem. 

“I– I know a bit about trains, but not a lot.”

Gangle starts explaining what she knows and Jax can't help from zoning out. 

There's no need to take any of this seriously. 

They're in a circus for crying out loud, nothing needs to be taken this seriously. 

Not even Jax abstracting. 

It seems like they formed some sort of plan and Jax can't be fucked to figure out what it is. 

Instead the glitching he heard earlier comes back, humming throughout his body as if he can feel his code. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Jax sees a figure. He turns his head to that direction to see Ribbit standing there. 

It almost looks like they have something to say. 

They're standing there, staring at Jax as if there's something he's supposed to figure out. 

Suddenly nothing else that's going on matters but Ribbit's figure. The world around him blurs, his vision remains fixated on them. 

The humming gets louder, almost as if it too is trying to send a message. Maybe the humming and the glitching is a part of him now. 

Jax almost wants to run toward Ribbit. But he doesn't. He remains unmoving, staring at something he knows doesn't even exist, while still treating it like it's the only thing that exists. 

“JAX!” 

What? Jax turns around to see everyone staring at him. Zooble keeps speaking. 

It pulls him out of his head enough to register the world back into his focus. Out of simple curiosity, Jax glances back to see if Ribbit was still there. 

He was gone just as fast as they came. 

“Are you trying to f!$%k us? Who am I kidding, you probably —” 

Zooble cuts themself off. Except, it's not because they're teleported somewhere else. They blink, staring at Jax as if this is the first time they're actually looking at him. 

Everyone else remains silent. No one talks. Jax can feel the eyes of everyone at him. 

Does he really look that bad right now?

Then, within the blink of an eye, the train stops. They managed to stop the train while Jax was busy doing… whatever that was. 

Jeez. That was the shortest adventure Jax has ever done. 

Doesn't matter, at least they're back at the circus now. 

“A 10 minute adventure? Man, Caine really is losing his edge.”

Instead of laughing or being annoyed, Gangle stares at him in silence. 

He's had too many eyes staring at him today. 

“Jax, i-it was 5 hours. Not 10 minutes.”

Wait what? 

Fuck–

Fuck–

Did Jax really zone out that badly?

How long was he staring at—

Shit.

He's worse than he thought. 

Whatever. 

Jax is walking to his room. Suddenly he hears people behind him. Then he feels a gentle tap on his shoulder. 

For some inexplicable reason, it makes Jax jump. He flinches at the touch. Something he hasn't done in– well in a long time. 

“Hey, Jax?”  

Jax turns around and it's Ragatha and Pomni. Ragatha is using her worried voice. 

Except… it's not her usual one. It's… different. It almost sounds fearful too. 

Why would she be scared? That doesn't make any sense. 

And what does Jax have to do with anything?

It's almost uncanny seeing this side of Ragatha again. 

“Me and Pomni need to talk to you.”

 

Notes:

Welp...

Also, don't worry, the butterfly led Kinger safely back to the circus, and he's chilling in his fort :D