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“Absolutely not.”
Shauna, as it turns out, does have boundaries. They may be less firmly set than most girls her age would set them with her best friend—way less firmly, even—but they exist. Not even Jackie pouting at her from the other end of her bed, lit only by the dim light of the white lamps on Jackie’s nightstands, can change her mind.
In fact, Shauna’s reaction to this ridiculous request, to what Jackie’s just taken out of the drawer of one of those nightstands, can only be described as utter disbelief. She feels insulted. Is she really that much of a doormat? Has she lodged herself so firmly up Jackie’s ass that Jackie had actually thought this was a reasonable request?
Sure, Shauna had said yes to the practice makeouts a couple of years ago (and every time Jackie’s requested them since, even though they both know how to kiss now), and she’d groped Jackie’s chest a few times (Over the shirt! Mostly! Sometimes over the bra, maybe, but not totally bare or anything!) when Jackie had needed to experiment with what she’d liked there so she could pass on the information to Jeff. And yes, they’ve practiced hickeys on each other, and maybe once her thigh had accidentally wound up between Jackie’s and there’d been a little bit of movement there, just for a second or two. And maybe that had been the sexiest moment of Shauna’s sad, virginal life, because boys don’t like her and she’s been trying her hardest not to unpack the girls thing until she’s in college next year.
But.
But.
This is ridiculous. Jackie huffing at Shauna like she’s annoyed and frustrated with her for saying no is even more ridiculous. “Shauna. Stop looking so freaked out.”
“Where did you even get that?” As disgusted as she is, Shauna finds herself staring at it with revolted fascination.
Jackie rolls her eyes, a faint blush painting her cheeks. “Look. Some of the girls on the Prom committee were talking about… about vibrators, and one of them said her mom even bought her one once—“
Shauna’s eyes bug out. “Your mom got you that?”
Jackie snorts. “God, no. Of course not. But I got curious and I found a place and I just… wound up getting this while I was there, too.” She waves the thing in her hand and Shauna jerks away from it like getting anywhere near it might contaminate her. Jackie deflates. “Whatever. It was a stupid idea, I guess.”
Yes, it had been. Jackie whipping this thing out after a monologue about wanting to lose her virginity to Jeff but needing to practice first and rambling about how Shauna’s always been the person she’s practiced with… That had been a stupid idea. Jackie’s temporarily completely lost her mind, is what it is.
Shauna’s brain backpedals a few sentences, and she blurts, “Wait. Too?”
“There’s a vibrator in this thing,” Jackie says, pointing at a small pocket Shauna can see near the front. “In the, uh… well, they call it a harness, but it’s basically underwear, right? I got a small one that’s supposed to go in there. The lady said it would feel good for the, um. The wearer.”
Shauna feels ant-sized, suddenly. “Oh.” Her brain’s working a mile a minute while Jackie awkwardly clears her throat and looks around her room like it isn’t chock full of the same white and pink décor it always has been. Now, with this new piece of information, Shauna’s thinking harder about it all. Because Jackie had been thinking about Shauna, apparently. Walked into a sex shop, spotted a fake penis and a harness, and thought about Shauna wearing it, fucking her with it. And not only that, but had taken into consideration that it should feel good for Shauna, too.
Her head spins. Her throat feels drier than it ever has. “Let me just…” she blurts, flushing. “Let me see it. I guess.”
Jackie’s back straightens, her eyes snapping right to Shauna, filled with poorly concealed hope, her arms extending. Shauna holds the whole contraption up by the harness, pinched between two fingers, examining it all more closely as it dangles from her grip.
It’s kind of like they’ve been taking baby steps since sophomore year and suddenly Jackie’s launched them into the stratosphere out of nowhere. Kissing, making out, hickeys, boobs over clothing, accidental grinding for two seconds… using a sex toy and losing their virginities together?
Would it count? Shauna thinks it would. Maybe Jackie doesn’t. Shauna probably shouldn’t tell her that not counting it would also be ridiculous.
Also, she has logistics questions. Embarrassing ones. “I mean,” she starts, turning red even as she clears her throat. “Would we even be able to…? I mean, would you be able to...?” Actually, she can’t ask this. She shouldn’t have started to ask it.
But Jackie’s eyebrows are raised, and she immediately pushes Shauna to finish it. “What?”
Shauna winces, averting her eyes. “Wouldn’t it hurt?” It looks average-sized. Or at least what Shauna assumes must be average. Like, it looks normal. “If you can’t, you know. Get ready?”
It’s as embarrassing as she’d known it would be. Jackie turns red and sputters, “I—Yeah, but. I can—It’ll be fine. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
Shauna doesn’t miss those sneaky “it’ll”s. Not “it would”. “It will”. Like it’s decided that they’re doing this, even despite Shauna’s protests.
God, she hates when Jackie does that. Just takes over and bulldozes, so certain that she can get Shauna onside if she acts confident enough about being in the right.
She huffs, staring at the contraption in her hand. She lets herself think about it plainly. Jackie, her Jackie, wants Shauna to put on a strap-on and fuck her for practice. So that she knows what it’s like. She wants to lay beneath Shauna at this sleepover they’re having, here and now, and probably make out and touch and try to get wet from it—and apparently Jackie has reason to believe that she can get wet from it—so that Shauna’s hips can push this thing into her and then out of her. To see if it feels good, if it makes her moan, if it makes her come—
“Okay,” Shauna croaks, swallowing thickly. “I’ll do it.”
Jackie launches herself at Shauna, still flushed but beaming now, wrapping her up in a tight hug. “Yes!” she celebrates. “Thank you, thank you, thank you, I owe you so much—”
It goes unsaid that they can never tell anyone about this. That they won’t really talk about it much either, if they ever do at all. Just like they don’t talk about any of the other stuff when it’s not either happening or about to happen.
“Do you want me to, like,” Shauna starts carefully, when Jackie finally pulls away, “be Jeff? Like, try to do it how you think he’d do it?”
Jackie contemplates this like it’s actually a great question. Finally, she decides, “No, that’s okay. The whole point is kind of to make sure I’m ready for Jeff. You know how he’s always all rough and aggressive with his hands.” Shauna does know. It sounds unpleasant, and maybe mildly scary. She’s always so gentle when she touches herself, and even more gentle when her hands are on Jackie’s body. Jackie’s had to ask her to squeeze her boobs harder at least half a dozen times by now. “If he’s like that with sex, I need to work up to it.”
Shauna nods and wets her lips. It makes sense. Of course, this whole thing is insane, but within that insanity, it makes sense.
“What now?”
Jackie glances down to her pajama shorts. “I guess you take those off and put the harness on.”
Because it’s more like underwear, it’ll cover her up, at least. She takes it wordlessly, her heart pounding, and follows orders, heading straight for Jackie’s bathroom for some privacy.
Inside, she fumbles with it, sliding her shorts down and the harness up, then wiggling her hips with her nose wrinkled, watching the dark purple thing between her thighs wiggle with her. She can feel something small and hard in that pocket, pressing where it needs to be pressing. Her fingers tremble a little as she dips them into the harness, into the pocket, and finds a small button at the top of the vibrator. She glances at the closed bathroom door, as though Jackie might be right on the other side of it, ready to overhear this.
Then she presses the button.
She’s a little turned on from the whole situation in a sort of nervous, anxious, freaking out about fucking her attractive female best friend kind of way, and that’s apparently a decent enough start that the low vibrations against her clit make her eyes slam shut and her arm reach out to grip tightly at the bathroom counter.
Fuck, it feels good. If she had more pressure there, if she could nudge her hips forward into something…
God, that something is Jackie. She’s meant to rock into Jackie and there will be pressure and she’ll probably make sounds from how good it feels and Jackie will look up at her and maybe she’ll make sounds too and—
Shauna turns it off, runs a clammy hand through her hair, and makes peace with herself. She wants this. She wants it to be good for the both of them. She wants to surprise and impress Jackie and make her lose control and… and have an orgasm.
She exhales shakily and sets her jaw, looks at her own face in the mirror and gives herself a small nod. She can do this. She can do this and do it well and not give away that she’s not only come around on the idea, but that she’s desperately into it. Even if wearing a fake penis makes her feel fucking stupid and she’d rather use her fingers, regardless of how gay that’d be, how gay it makes her.
Maybe she still can. Maybe she’ll get to do both.
She rests a hand between her own thighs as she emerges from the bathroom, depressing the toy between her legs and trying valiantly to hide it from Jackie’s eyes.
Jackie’s moved while Shauna’s been gone: she’s laying back against her own pillows now, bottom half beneath the sheets, her shirt removed, top half clad in a lacy bra. There’s a hand mirror on her nightstand alongside a tube of lip gloss and some blush, and Shauna can tell she’d applied both. Tried to make herself look a little nicer for this. And then there’s that bra.
“…Oh.” Shauna’s hand slips away and the toy springs up, at attention.
Jackie giggles. “Happy to see me, Shipman?”
Shauna blushes and then rolls her eyes, avoiding Jackie’s. “Shut up.”
“I thought it’d look funnier,” Jackie says, tilting her head, taking in Shauna in her big T-shirt and her harness. “It looks okay.”
Shauna pushes it down again anyway. “If I were a guy, I’d never wanna get turned on. At least with girls you can’t see it. And it’s not fucking annoying.” She huffs, giving up, crossing her arms over her chest instead.
Jackie grins—though not wholly, something that’s probably nerves holding it back—and tells her, “Okay, come over here and lay down next to me.”
Shauna’s used to taking orders in situations like these. Well, not that there’s ever been a situation like this, but… just, when they’re not being quite so platonic.
So she does it. She splays herself out on her back over the comforter when she gets there, then slips under it when Jackie tells her to do that, too, and parts her lips obediently when Jackie sits up and leans over her, cupping her cheek.
The first kiss with Jackie is always electric, but Shauna can tell right away that tonight is different. Tonight it doesn’t stay soft and slow for long. Jackie kisses her harder, deeper, like she’s really trying to get something out of it. Shauna sticks to her usual routine: tries to keep control of herself, tries not to make noises, but Jackie parts from her after a minute, just enough to breathe out into the space between them, “Don’t hold back this time. I want to try it for real.”
Shauna almost whimpers before she asks, “Are you sure?”
Jackie nods against her forehead. “Are you?”
“Yeah.”
“Me too.” Jackie kisses the corner of her mouth. “Let’s just… go all the way.”
Shauna doesn’t know what that means, or maybe can’t process what it means beyond the obvious. She really hadn’t thought through it all, because soon Jackie’s rolling onto her back and pulling Shauna with her by the shirt, tugging Shauna on top of her, slipping her hands under Shauna’s T-shirt all while still kissing her. Hands slide over Shauna’s bare stomach, and Shauna feels a little like a boy with the toy poking at Jackie’s abdomen but she’s very aware she’s a girl when Jackie’s hands rise higher and higher toward her breasts. She’s not really sure why this part is happening. How they’ve suddenly gone from practicing for Jeff to Jackie feeling up her body.
But Shauna moans into her mouth anyway and certainly doesn’t stop her, and Jackie’s hands grasp eagerly at her chest, squeezing the way she knows Shauna likes after doing it a few times above her shirt, and it’s so much more when it’s skin on skin. Shauna stops thinking and just moves, body rocking into Jackie’s, her mouth dipping to Jackie’s neck. One of her hands grips the warm skin at Jackie’s waist while her other hand props her up, and she feels Jackie’s right hand leave her breast and slide down, lower, until it’s gripping the toy between their bodies. She tugs at it gently, then strokes it even though it’s dry, and whispers to Shauna, “Do you wanna put this in me?”
Shauna knows then that she’s just here to play a role, but she doesn’t care; she can feel how damp she’s getting. “Yeah,” she groans into Jackie’s neck. “Take your shorts off.”
If it were up to her, she’d go so slow. Drag this out, make it perfect. But she knows this isn’t Jackie and Shauna. Not for Jackie. This is Jackie and a practice guy who will listen to her and let her be in control.
Except Jackie’s breath is hitching at the demand, and then she’s got both hands on her own shorts and she’s wriggling out of them as smoothly as she can from beneath Shauna. Their lower halves are still under the covers, so Shauna can’t see her, but she sees the shorts when Jackie pulls them out and drops them off of the side of the bed.
Jackie fists a hand in her hair to drag her into a long kiss, then breathes out, “I’d make Jeff use his fingers first.”
Shauna’s heart almost beats out of her chest. “Okay.” She shifts, giving herself room, and lets her hand slide low, just enough space between their faces that they could make eye contact if they wanted. Shauna doesn’t check to see if Jackie’s looking at her. She keeps her eyes low on her own arm, watching part of it vanish beneath the sheets. Her wrists twists, finding the right angle between Jackie’s spread legs.
Jackie’s wet. Shauna’s made her this way. All heat and slick and soft velvet, and she gasps when Shauna touches her.
“Oh,” slips out of Shauna’s mouth, stunned and quiet—there’s so much—and her eyes lift to Jackie’s to find them squeezed tight. She wonders what’s done it for her. If she’s been thinking of Jeff. If she hasn’t been thinking of Jeff.
Her fingers have frozen, and she doesn’t realize it until Jackie’s eyes open and she says, breathless and nervous, “Just for a little while. Just to get ready.”
Jackie thinks she’s hesitating. Not that Shauna’s brain’s just short-circuited at the feel of her. “Yeah,” Shauna rasps. “I can do that.”
Shauna knows how to do this part; it’s second-nature, even if it’s a little different with someone else. Even if it’s so distracting having Jackie’s arms lift and wind around her, drawing her closer, and Jackie’s mouth panting right by her ear.
Shauna starts slow, drawing gentle circles. Starts with the intent of not trying to finish, because that would be… that’s not what this is, because there’s a very specific goal in mind. Soon, Jackie’s hips are moving and she’s panting hard and she whispers to Shauna, “Keep going,” when Shauna’s strokes get a little faster, and then she nods with eager approval when Shauna’s fingers slip lower.
She presses in with one finger, and it’s too easy. Jackie’s ready. She takes another like it’s nothing, and quivers around Shauna’s fingers after, holding them tight inside.
“Fuck,” Shauna whispers, burning hot between her thighs, dumb with arousal. “That feels good for you?” She can tell it does.
Jackie’s taking in heavy breaths like she’s not sure where her next one will come from. “Yeah,” she says, shaky, faint. “I want… You should move them.”
She knows Jeff is bad at this part. She knows details she wishes she didn’t know. Details about Jackie bleeding from it, hurting, having to ask him to stop. So she goes slowly, stretching Jackie out, searching with her fingers, curling them as she moves them in and out, finding a familiar spongy spot that makes Jackie whimper and grip Shauna’s hair so tight it hurts.
Now Jackie’s the one letting out a soft, “Oh,” moving a little desperately against Shauna’s fingers, body tightening beneath her.
Shauna swallows down a soft sound in her throat and keeps hitting that spot with her fingertips, just whispers, “Do you want me to stop?” as Jackie’s legs quiver on either side of her own.
“No,” Jackie whines, arching further into her. “I’m… Shauna—“ She feels Jackie’s body twitch, her walls flutter and clamp down. Then Jackie stiffens and turns her head and cries out into Shauna’s neck, arms clinging to her and pulling at her, body trembling beneath her, exhales sounding heavy and desperate. Shauna holds still, letting her work through it, not daring to move an inch and ruin it in any way. She tries to be present for it, to be there for every second of it even as her brain fries itself with the knowledge that she’s just made Jackie come with her fingers. And so quickly, too.
When it’s over, Jackie relaxes beneath her and catches her breath, sweaty and sated. Only her hands move: to the hem of Shauna’s shirt, tugging at it weakly. Shauna carefully removes her fingers from Jackie and lets the next part happen, doesn’t question it. Just gives Jackie what she seems to want and lets her shirt be pulled over her head and tossed aside. She’s not wearing a bra like Jackie. She flattens their bodies together to hide herself, and then they’re just breathing together like they’re both trying to process what’s just happened.
“Was that okay?” Shauna murmurs, finally.
“Yeah,” Jackie says softly. She sounds surprised. “I just… I need a second. To get ready again.”
Right. This still has a purpose. Shauna’s just been a little better at this than expected. Or Jackie’s been more… receptive to it. Maybe some of both.
Shauna tries to sound practical. “It should be, um… easier now? I think?”
“Yeah,” Jackie says again. “Yeah, good plan.” Like Shauna had planned to stick her fingers in Jackie and get her off with them. Like Jackie hadn’t been the one to outright tell her not to stop. Sure.
“Thanks,” Shauna whispers, taking credit anyway.
“Just give me another minute,” Jackie says quietly, and Shauna nods, eyes darting everywhere, not sure where to look now. She can feel Jackie’s body warm and bare beneath her, save for the fabric of her bra.
“Do you, uh, want this off?” she risks asking, gesturing down to it. Since they’re taking clothes off that don’t technically need to be removed, apparently.
Jackie’s eyes drop and she swallows hard. “Yeah, okay.” She does it herself, then: reaching around and unhooking it, peeling it away. They should probably both be less shy about this, given that Shauna’s just fingered her to completion and they’ve seen each other naked in locker rooms before, but something about them being naked together like this feels so vulnerable and raw.
Shauna would take her harness off if Jackie requested it, but she knows she won’t be asked. She stares at Jackie’s boobs for what she knows is a couple of seconds too long, and then tries to make it seem like it was on purpose with a short, decisive, “I really don’t think they’re too small.” They’ve discussed this before.
“Yours are better,” Jackie says quietly, and then reaches up, one arm sliding around Shauna’s back, the other hand gently cupping one of her breasts, palming it, thumb brushing over it. Shauna tries to keep her face and her breathing even. “I think,” Jackie adds, gulping, “we should start now.”
Shauna has no idea how to do this part, and Jackie must know that, but she nods confidently anyway and reaches down between her thighs, gripping the toy, fumbling to get a good hold on it. She feels Jackie spreading her legs further beneath her and her pulse pounds faster, harder. “I might need to see,” Shauna mumbles, and Jackie nods and nudges the bedding down, exposing herself.
Shauna tries not to react, but Jackie’s so beautiful. She bites down on her lip and fixes her eyes to her own hand instead. The toy is so dry, and Jackie’s so wet she’s shining with it but Shauna isn’t sure it’s enough.
She gets an idea—one that makes her face feel like it’s on fire—and just goes for it before she can talk herself out of it. She lets go of the toy, slides her hand into her underwear while Jackie watches, and strokes her own slick, swollen flesh, gathering the dampness there. Then she slides her hand out and starts to coat the toy with it.
Jackie gasps quietly and then slides the hand on Shauna’s back up to her neck, pulling her down into a heavy kiss. Shauna’s strangled moan is lost somewhere between their mouths. She moves her hand in again, gathering more, and again, still kissing Jackie heatedly, trying not to groan at the brief relief of her own sliding fingers.
Soon, the toy is coated in her, and her lips are swollen and so are Jackie’s, and Jackie’s wriggling beneath her almost like she’s impatient.
“I’m gonna try it,” Shauna warns. “It’s really wet; it should—“
“Uh huh,” Jackie breathes, nodding, angling her hips up like something instinctive in her has told her to do it.
Shauna grips it as best as she can, too aware of the thickness as she rubs it up against Jackie, right between her legs. She’s not completely sure it’ll work at all, but when she presses gently there’s an immediate give, a sharp inhale from Jackie, and the first little bit of it starts to sink in and disappear.
“Ow,” Jackie hisses, and Shauna pauses immediately, an unpleasant twist in her gut, looking up at her. Jackie’s sweating, red-faced, one fist clutching at the bedsheets. “It’s okay,” she reassures Shauna anyway. “Just… keep going.”
Shauna nudges her hips forward gingerly, watching Jackie’s face, watching her mouth pop open and her eyes squeeze shut tight. “Jackie?” she checks, and it surprises her how low her voice sounds.
“It burns,” Jackie pants out, and Shauna immediately starts to gingerly withdraw. “Ow!” Jackie squeaks, and Shauna freezes. “That’s worse. Just go in. Go in.”
“Hold on,” Shauna’s eyes dip low. There’s only maybe an inch inside, and so many more to go. She fumbles to work her fingers into the harness again, further slicking up the toy as best as she can. Then she gets an idea, and Jackie is watching her, not protesting, so Shauna moves her hand to Jackie’s clit and starts to circle it gingerly, carefully.
Jackie’s eyes flutter shut and her breathing gets harsher, louder. Shauna presses forward with her hips, just a little, and Jackie’s eyebrows furrow but she doesn’t tense up or cry out in pain again.
Shauna touches her faster, harder, and presses in and in, watching Jackie whimper and gasp beneath her, seeing her jaw go slack and her mouth fall open when Shauna’s hips finally meet Jackie’s. She’s in. All the way in, and Jackie’s making sounds like she knows it.
“Is that okay?” Shauna whispers, slowing her fingers.
Jackie grips Shauna’s back hard and nods eagerly. “Yeah. It’s—You’re just a lot.”
Something molten hot drops straight into Shauna’s abdomen, making her pound hard between her thighs. Her mind races. She adjusts quickly, goes with it. Gives Jackie what she clearly wants out of this. “So are you,” she murmurs, lowering her body further, her hand trapped between them as it brushes over Jackie’s clit. “I don’t wanna pull out.”
Is this weird—them pretending that it’s real, that Shauna’s a boy? Probably. Is it making Jackie whimper into her ear and clutch her tighter? Yes. And so Shauna will do it for as long as Jackie wants her to.
She warns Jackie, “Don’t tense up,” and then shifts her hips back, still teasing her clit as she starts to withdraw.
She can tell that it doesn’t feel good, that Jackie’s breath is hitching in a way that is unpleasant, that the drag is painful and burning. Shauna stops halfway and presses back in, and Jackie shudders pleasantly beneath her. “Fuck,” Jackie whispers, sounding too real and too present for a moment, the fantasy shattered. “It feels awful when you take it out. But I like it going in.”
“Okay. Let me just…” Shauna moves carefully, creating some space between their bodies, giving her hand more room. The next time she tries to pull out, she rubs hard and fast, distractingly so. She only goes halfway again, and this time when she presses back in, Jackie lets out a strangled moan and nods approvingly at her.
Shauna does it again, and again, and each time Jackie seems to be in less pain, until finally Shauna’s hips draw back fully and she pushes back in, once, and then again, and by the third time Jackie’s fingernails are digging into her back and her legs are trying desperately to find a place to press into and around her waist.
Shauna starts pumping her hips, all of the blood in her body rushing to settle between her thighs, and the bed is creaking, and Jackie is moaning, “Oh, oh my God,” like she’s surprised by how good it feels.
Shauna can’t feel anything herself beyond the pressure, the easy slide of it, and it’s not enough to get her off but it’s plenty enough for her to be enjoying this. There are muscles burning she didn’t know she had but she could do this forever, could spend the rest of her life fucking Jackie and listening to the panting and moaning and whimpering in her ear.
Jackie’s legs lock around her and pull, trying to get her impossibly closer, nails scratching down Shauna’s back, and Shauna can barely process it all without feeling like she’s about to pass out. Jackie’s clinging to her like her entire world has narrowed down to the contact between them, gasping for breath, gasping like Shauna’s making her feel better than Jeff ever has.
“Turn the vibrator on,” Jackie says pleadingly. “I want you to f—“ She cuts herself off, moaning, shifting her hips.
Shauna had genuinely forgotten about it, so distracted with her own hips and the hand between Jackie’s thighs. She pauses everything now, giving Jackie a second to recover, and abandons Jackie’s clit to dip into the harness. Jackie’s chest rises and falls rapidly against her own, one of her hands leaving Shauna’s back to run a hand over her own dampening forehead.
Shauna finds the button for the vibrator and looks up to Jackie nervously, almost like she’s asking for permission again, finger hovering. Jackie manages a weak smile and just says, “You’re really good at this.” It’s obvious that she’s surprised by it. There’s an unspoken question on the end of it, a silent “How?” that Shauna isn’t sure how to answer.
“I’m always good at you,” she murmurs. She doesn’t know why she says it. It just comes out of her.
Jackie blinks rapidly at her, something subtle shifting in her expression, warming behind her eyes. “Yeah,” she says softly, “I know.”
Shauna tears her eyes away and presses the button. It changes everything. “Fuck,” she mutters, and suddenly she’s dizzy with want and need, hungry for it, feeling her own orgasm within reach. She’s so keyed up from what they’ve been doing that she feels like she might not even need the extra pressure.
Jackie watches her with unmistakable arousal. “Do you like it?”
“Yeah,” Shauna says shortly, biting into her lip, trying to gather her shattered thoughts into something that can help her remember what to do next. She shifts her arms, plants both palms into the mattress, and at a hasty nod from Jackie she starts to work her hips selfishly, quickly, because the sooner she pulls out of Jackie the sooner she can push in, and every time she pushes in the vibrator presses right up against her clit, right where she needs it. Soon, she’s moaning just like Jackie, and they’re gasping against each other, bodies finding a rapid rhythm that seems to be working for the both of them.
She’s never done anything close to this before and doesn’t actually know what to say, so she’s not sure where it comes from, what makes her press her mouth desperately to Jackie’s ear, let out a series of shuddering breaths that match Jackie’s perfectly, and whimper to her, “I’m really close, I think I’m gonna…” She loses her nerve at the last word. “It feels so good.”
“Me too,” Jackie confesses right back, voice shaky and weak. “Just… do it harder. Deep.”
Shauna fumbles for her hip to get more leverage and then drives into her, quick and short and harsh, not even pulling out halfway, and she can tell it’s just right when Jackie gets a little louder and starts to tremble underneath her. Shauna rolls her hips mindlessly, grinding forward on the vibrator, moaning helplessly into Jackie’s ear, “Fuck. Fuck.”
She comes with a soft cry and feels Jackie’s nails sting at her shoulder blades, and then Jackie muffles a series of her own sounds into her neck and Shauna can barely move her hips into the extra resistance. They shudder through it together, pressed tight and panting, and when it’s over Shauna turns the vibrator off, tucks her face into Jackie’s neck too, and just breathes, in and out, waiting for her mind to start working again.
She expects it to be awkward, now that the matching fogs in their brains are starting to fade. But Jackie just lets out a breathless laugh, legs still wrapped around Shauna’s waist, and sighs, “Wowza. You should’ve been born a boy.”
“But I wasn’t,” Shauna thinks dazedly to herself. “And we’re both so fucking gay for doing this.”
It becomes a thing.
The second time, Jackie brings it up more confidently, just a few sleepovers after the first time, while they’re tucked under Jackie’s comforter and in the middle of making out. It’s a quick, simple, breathed out, “Do you wanna practice with the thing again?” between heavy, heated kisses, more intense than the way it’d used to be. Shauna’s nod is so quick and eager that Jackie laughs at her—though it’s more of an affectionate chuckle, even if it does come with an overconfident smirk.
Five minutes later, Shauna’s rocking into Jackie desperately, vibrator buzzing, and Jackie’s hitching out, “Harder, Shauna,” into her ear, voice thick and heavy and low. She murmurs instructions and orders until Shauna’s apparently got it just right, and then comes before Shauna does.
When Shauna does finish, it’s with her hips flush against Jackie’s, the strap still buried deep, the vibrator pressing hard against her, and Jackie’s tongue sweeping hungrily into her mouth.
Jackie swallows her sounds, grips her twitching body hard and groans out, “You sound hot when you moan.”
What little willpower Shauna has left shatters, and from there on out Jackie has her on a new type of leash, different from the one that’s over a decade old. They both know it. They both do nothing to change it.
Soon Shauna’s being coaxed (very easily) into “practice” handjobs—as though Jackie needs them—where Jackie sticks her hand into the harness this time and strokes between Shauna’s thighs a little longer than she needs to for someone who’s supposed to just be collecting lubricant. Then she goes back and forth between that and jacking the toy firmly, pressing the buzzing vibrator into Shauna’s clit on every downstroke until Shauna comes, Jackie whispering things like “you’re so wet” and “you’re so hard” to her all the while—contradictory, confusing things in that they both turn her on for some reason. She has a feeling Jackie could whisper something benign like “that shelf is white” to her in that voice and even that’d get her off, though, so she tries not to read into it.
Practice blowjobs—again, transparently unneeded—happen too. They go similarly, but with less talking, but the third time they try it Jackie inexplicably decides to do the whole lubrication thing even though her spit works perfectly well, and Shauna comes in record time watching Jackie lick and suck Shauna’s arousal off of the strap like she knows exactly what it’s doing to her. She tells her casually afterward that she tastes better than Jeff, and Shauna almost comes again on the spot from the compliment alone.
And then there’s the sex, of course. It gets easier every time. Jackie gets used to it, and so does Shauna. By the time a month has passed, Shauna’s getting led around their school like her usual sidekick self by day, and by night she’s shoving an excited, turned on Jackie up against her dresser, turning her around, bending her over, and driving into her with her hips while her parents are asleep down the hall, none the wiser.
The nights always happen at Jackie’s command—“I want to do that thing we do sometimes again” and “What if we did it against that” and “Let’s try it this way”— but it’s still kind of a stress reliever. She’s had some resentment building up toward Jackie over the years, as much as she feels guilty about it, and who knows what she would’ve done if they hadn’t found this lovely solution. The solution being Shauna thrusting into Jackie and chasing her own climax with a gruff, “Good girl, Jax, that’s it,” which, the first time it had slipped out of her mouth, had made her tense up and prepare to be judged, and instead Jackie had just moaned and came.
There’s more to it, though. The way Jackie will look at her now sometimes in class and Shauna will just know she’s reliving something, or imagining something that’s yet to come. The knowledge that Jackie thinks of Shauna like that, and them like that, even if Shauna still has to play second fiddle to Jeff.
But even the Jeff stuff isn’t as true anymore, because one night they go to a party with him out near the woods, and Jackie brings a suspiciously large purse she says is new but Shauna recognizes as the one Jackie’d hated back in freshman year—which makes complete sense once she sneaks Shauna out to the woods while Jeff’s distracted with Randy and digs out everything they’ll need while Shauna watches, slack-jawed.
“Put it on,” Jackie says, pressing it all into her hands. “Why do you think I had you wear a dress?”
“Because it made my boobs look good?” Shauna says dumbly.
Jackie’s eyes dip to her chest. “Yeah. But I also have to be back by curfew tonight and you can’t stay over, and I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to do this all week, so.”
Shauna processes that. “So, like, against a tree?”
Jackie’s eyes glint with some knowledge Shauna’s yet to acquire. “Not quite.”
Later, Shauna goes home with dirt smears on the back of her dress and a leaf in her hair, but she falls asleep to memories of Jackie grinding on top of her and gripping Shauna’s bare chest—Shauna’s dress pulled down and her bra tossed away somewhere in the dirt—as they’d both come together.
They go to Seattle for Nationals, and Jackie sneaks the strap-on into their luggage and then gets pounded into the mattress for half the night in their hotel room. She walks a little funny the next day and they lose their game—two things that may be related, but they don’t talk about that.
They go shopping together for summer bikinis, share a changing room, and Jackie whispers to Shauna that she looks great in her swimsuit “Riiiight… here,” a hand drifting low on her body, brushing over her ass and around, cupping her low, right between her thighs.
Shauna burns hot from her scalp to her toes, thinks about it all day, and plays right into Jackie’s hands that night at their sleepover: cuddling into her, wiggling her hips into Jackie’s ass, mumbling, “Can we?” and getting rewarded with Jackie’s nod and a yank at the drawer of her nightstand.
They graduate, and Shauna, fully resigned to being utterly pathetic for Jackie by now, has it on under her gown and clothes at the ceremony, taped down, all because Jackie’s told her to. She spends the whole time paranoid and flushed, and then they sneak away before they meet up with their parents and fuck in the backseat of Shauna’s car, Jackie riding her and panting out, “I can’t believe you really wore it for me,” while Shauna moans beneath her.
They don’t talk about Jeff. Whether Jackie’s started having sex with him, whether it’s even good in the event that she has, and especially not how he compares to Shauna.
Shauna knows she’s gotten good at it. By the time summer’s in full swing, having a sleepover is unequivocally code for going at it like rabbits unless Jackie’s on her period, in which case Jackie still does the whole handjob or blowjob routine because she clearly enjoys getting Shauna off and she’s still trying to pretend there’s anything heterosexual about it.
Shauna’s had Jackie’s fingers in her underwear, but she hasn’t had them in her body, and she knows it’s greedy of her to want it like she does. She’s had Jackie in a dozen different ways, and maybe that should be enough, but she has enough common sense to know now that she’s in love and also in deep shit, given that they’re going to Rutgers together soon and Jackie’s still dating Jeff. She’ll probably always want more. Deep down she probably always has.
The topic of sex toys comes up somehow at a party at Lottie’s sometime in mid-June, a week after Van and Tai have come out. Van’s the one who unknowingly mentions Shauna’s particular area of expertise first, with wiggled eyebrows and a suggestive glance at Tai, who blushes but swats at her and tells the group, “We don’t use that. She’s fucking around.”
Jackie sips at her drink and giggles out with feigned innocence, “Wait, what’s a strap-on?”
Half an hour later, she shoves Shauna onto a bed in Lottie’s guest room, undoes Shauna’s jeans, moves her underwear hastily to the side beneath her skirt and sinks down onto her.
As turned on as she is, Shauna can’t help but raise her eyebrows in the moment and ask, “What’s a strap-on? Really?”
“Sorry,” Jackie pants out, rolling her eyes, “should I have said, ‘Oh, yeah, that’s the thing I’ve been making Shauna fuck me with since April; she’s even wearing one tonight?’”
“You’re not making me do anything,” Shauna groans out, shutting her eyes tight, vibrator already rubbing just right under the guidance of Jackie’s hips. “Fuck, you’re so good at this, Jax.”
“I’m great at it.” Jackie leans over her, grabbing her wrists, pinning them down and kissing Shauna hard all without slowing her movements. “I’m not making you do anything,” she echoes, but it almost sounds like a question. Then out of nowhere, she whispers, “Do you love me?”
Shauna doesn’t even think about it. She’s nodding even before the words are out. “Yeah.” Let Jackie think she means friendship. Saying it has never changed anything before. “I love you.”
Jackie doesn’t say it back, just works her hips until Shauna’s seeing stars, and then makes her see them again two more times all without coming herself. It almost feels like a reward.
They cuddle for a few minutes before they return to the party. Jackie tells everyone that they were gone for so long because Shauna drank too much and puked everywhere.
In July, Shauna goes down on Jackie for the first time. There’s no excuse this time, no reasoning about stretching her out or getting her ready, because Jackie doesn’t have issues with that anymore; she always gets wet with Shauna and she’s used to taking the strap now.
It’s just them shedding their clothing and making out and then Shauna kissing down her body and then suddenly Jackie’s fingers are in her hair and Shauna is too low and neither of them are stopping it. Shauna can’t stop moaning at the taste and feel of Jackie in her mouth, and Jackie comes faster than she ever has.
After, Shauna drives her hips into Jackie with extra force, like somehow it’ll make it okay. Jackie looks up at her with something heavy and fond and desperate in her eyes and doesn’t freak out afterward, just says, “It’s unfair how perfect you are at everything.”
Shauna hasn’t heard a peep about Jeff in weeks.
When the time comes, Shauna and Jackie both help each other pack for Rutgers. When they’re at Jackie’s house and Jackie’s parents leave them alone for half an hour to go pick up lunch, Jackie shoves Shauna onto her bed the instant the front door’s closed and starts removing clothes. As soon as Shauna’s pants are gone, Jackie surprises her by shoving her hand into Shauna’s underwear and stroking firmly at her clit.
Shauna chokes back a moan, gasps out, “Jackie,” then throws a searching arm out toward Jackie’s nightstand. “Hold on, I’ll get it.”
Jackie’s hand stills. She goes oddly silent for a moment, then just says, “Yeah, okay.”
It’s as good as it always is, but Jackie’s hands and eyes barely leave her breasts the whole time, and when Shauna comes, Jackie dips her head and sucks on her nipple during the aftershocks. That’s new, but they don’t talk about it.
Shauna misplaces it in a suitcase or a box somewhere when they first move into their dorm. It’s lost for a week despite their best efforts, and on the fifth day Jackie just puffs out, “Alright, I’m horny,” while Shauna’s trying to sleep on the other side of the room.
“You sure?” Shauna asks as Jackie mounts her thigh and starts to grind on her.
“Been sure,” Jackie mutters under her breath, and Shauna’s too distracted with using her hands to guide the movement of Jackie’s hips to really listen to her. They’ve never done this without it. Shauna isn’t sure what it means, and she’s too scared to ask.
She finds it two days later, in the bottom of a large box of junk at the back of their closet. She’s baffled; she’s so sure she wouldn’t have put it there. When she shows Jackie she’s found it, Jackie just says, “Oh,” with a small little shrug and then asks her whether she wants to order takeout.
“Tell me I’m better,” is Shauna’s version of dirty talk one night, Jackie beneath her on her cramped dorm bed, their bodies moving in a practiced rhythm, Shauna buried deep and Jackie’s teeth at the shell of her ear.
“Better than who?” Jackie pants out, audibly confused.
Shauna’s rhythm falters for half a second but then she clarifies, “Him,” because there’s no way she’s saying Jeff’s name in bed.
“Jeff?” Jackie apparently has no such qualms. “I wouldn’t know.”
Shauna’s hips stutter and she leans back to get a better look at her. “You haven’t fucked Jeff?” She’s only spent months trying not to think about it. Long nights agonizing over whether Jackie’s spending nights at his place when she’s not at Shauna’s, wondering how often they’re doing what Jackie and Shauna have been doing.
“Can we talk about this in, like, two minutes?” Jackie rushes out, reaching an arm down to touch herself. “I never did, no.”
Shauna lets it go long enough to press her body to Jackie’s again and start to pick up speed, but not long enough to let Jackie finish. “Why not?”
“Because,” Jackie pants, “you were always too good at it to bother with anyone else. When you aren’t trying to talk to me about my ex-boyfriend during, anyway.”
Shauna’s thoughts come to a screeching halt, and so do her hips. “What?” she asks, gaping at her.
Jackie looks confused. “Did you think you were bad at it?”
“Jeff,” Shauna clarifies. “You broke up with Jeff. When?”
“Uh, like, June?” Jackie blinks at her, her hand faltering on her clit. “You couldn’t tell?”
“You didn’t tell me?” Shauna counters. “You always tell me about your Jeff breakups.”
Jackie flushes. “I just figured you’d sort of notice. And like, take the hint? I mean, considering.”
“Considering…?” Shauna echoes.
Jackie sighs. “God. You’re gonna make me say it?”
Shauna swallows thickly. Her heart rate picks up. “Yeah,” she decides.
“Fine.” Jackie bites her lip. “Your fake dick made me realize I wasn’t into Jeff’s real dick, so I dumped him. And then, after I was obviously into some other stuff with you too, I kept thinking about what else I wanted us to do. And… I maybe hid the fake dick.”
“That was on purpose?”
“Yes.” Jackie rolls her eyes. “Now, how about you just finish me off and then say some nice words about your own feelings so I feel less embarrassed about mine?”
Shauna looks her over softly. “Feelings, like…? As in…?”
Jackie softens too, reaching up to cup Shauna’s cheek, stroking it with her thumb. For a fleeting moment, she drops the bravado and almost seems nervous. “Yeah. Is that okay?”
Shauna dips her head, letting out a small laugh of relief. “Yeah, Jax. I’m inside you, so. It’s definitely okay.”
Jackie relaxes a little, the tension between them easing, and smiles knowingly. “It’s not actually you, technically.”
Shauna raises an eyebrow. “Oh, so we’re done pretending now? No more jerk off sessions?”
Jackie huffs, amused. “Cut me some slack; I bought a strap-on and asked my best friend to fuck me with it and I wanted to be able to tell myself I was still straight. I had to cope somehow.”
Shauna lets out a quiet, heavy breath that feels years in the making, her heart pounding and warming, and hides her face in Jackie’s neck. “Okay,” she says.
Jackie gives her a sweet smile as Shauna lifts her head. “If it’s any consolation, you’re insanely good with it. But you’re good with everything. You got me off crazy fast that first time with your fingers. It surprised me.”
“I remember.” Shauna closes her eyes for a moment, exhaling unevenly. “I really want yours in me,” she confesses. “I think about it constantly.”
Jackie nods eagerly and Shauna watches her swallow a lump in her throat. “Please. I’ve literally tried. Let’s do it as soon as you’re done with me.”
“Won’t take long,” Shauna promises, flattening herself to Jackie and starting to pump her hips again. “Never does.”
“Fuck off,” Jackie moans out through a laugh, and Shauna smiles against her neck.
It’s different this time. Teasing aside, Shauna finally goes as slowly as she’d wanted to on that first night back in Jackie’s bedroom. Her lips settle against Jackie’s temple, and Jackie’s hands grip her shoulder blade and cup the back of her head, and they just breathe and moan quietly as their bodies come together again and again.
“I love you,” Jackie whispers to her out of nowhere, and it slams into Shauna’s chest and makes her lose her rhythm for a couple of strokes. “Faster, okay?”
“I love you,” Shauna says back, and then she rocks her hips hard into Jackie and listens to her come.
After, Shauna turns the vibrator off before it can finish her, pulls gently out of Jackie, and then Jackie practically launches herself at her and tears the harness off, climbs on top of her, and pushes inside of her with two fingers. She pounds into her over and over again until Shauna’s toes are curling and she’s practically whimpering, her grip tight on Jackie’s shoulders.
She tells herself that it’s because it’s new, that it’s because it’s actually Jackie touching her and not a vibrator, that it’s because Jackie loves her and they’ve both finally confessed it. That’s why she’s loud and whiny and all desperate-sounding and pitiful, why she whimpers to Jackie, “You feel so good in me, Jax,” and tells her, “Please don’t stop, I need you,” when she’s close.
When she comes, she’s so loud that their neighbors in the room next door bang on the wall with annoyance. Shauna flushes and tries to hide her face with a pillow after, but Jackie stops her, studying her with utter fascination, like maybe she’s just discovered something new about Shauna. Or maybe about herself.
“What?” Shauna breathes, wary now beneath her embarrassment.
Jackie pulls her fingers out and her eyes settle between Shauna’s parted thighs. Then she says the last thing Shauna ever thought she’d hear from Jackie Taylor.
“…I wanna wear it next time.”