Raspberry Cake

by Jeccika_13

Summary:

I apologize in advance for the pain.
Written for the Conan Gray Wishbone Flash Fest.
Inspired - and heavily, deeply influenced by - the song Actor by Conan Gray.

Excerpt:
In hindsight, it had been James's fault.

There were plenty of people in the world who could sleep with a person, spend time with them, and walk away without a second thought.

James had never been that person.

Chapter 1: Pretend nothing happened.

In hindsight, it had been James's fault.

There were plenty of people in the world who could sleep with a person, spend time with them, and walk away without a second thought.

James had never been that person. He fell fast, he fell hard, and he didn't walk away.

So when Barty started talking, he should have stopped listening. He should have gotten up and walked home - he was too drunk to drive back at that point.

He should have tried, just this once, to not do whatever the people around him needed him to.

"It'd be great if I could find a guy to like, experiment with?" Barty said. "You know. Just to see if I really am. But no one's gonna be willing to help me like that."

Originally, Sirius had been there. He'd gone home to Remus, though, which was unfortunate. Sirius probably would have stopped him.

But Sirius wasn't there. And Barty had been talking for the past thirty minutes about his struggle with attraction, and the guilt that came with it, and James was afflicted with the constant and draining need to fix. To help.

"I'd do it."

Barty lifted his head. "Yeah?" He smirked. "Didn't know you were into guys, Potter."

James shrugged, staring blankly at the ceiling. "I'm into everyone. Guys, girls. Doesn't matter."

"Of course, it doesn't," Barty replied, sounding slightly bitter. "Not to Saint Potter."

"I'm not," James denied, and that feeling was back. That slightly hollow, painful, awful feeling. "I'm not that good."

Everyone said he was. He was good, he was kind, he was smart. He was happy and calm and friendly and energetic.

People got uncomfortable if he was anything else.

"You'd really do it?" Barty asked.

James looked over for the first time since they'd started talking. "Do what?" He blinked. "Oh. Sleep with you? Yeah."

Barty watched him for a minute before slowly nodding. "We couldn't tell anyone. No one - no one knows about me."

"You told me," James pointed out.

"You're too loyal to be a liability," Barty said casually. "People probably tell you shit all the time."

He wasn't wrong. James knew so many secrets that he was afraid to talk sometimes.

He shrugged, and Barty nodded with a knowing look. "Can we start tonight?"

"Start - oh." James considered it. "I mean, yeah. If you want."

"Evan and Reg are out for the night." Barty sat up. "And your roommates won't notice if you get home early enough."

Something about that didn't feel quite right. "What do you mean?"

"Lupin and Sirius," Barty said, standing up. "They sleep late, yeah? So you can leave when we're done, pretend nothing happened here, and no one will be the wiser. I'll do the same with Reg and Evan."

James swallowed. "Pretend nothing happened."

"Obviously." Barty held out a hand. "Coming?"

"I'm not that good at lying," James said honestly.

"Then don't lie," Barty told him. He smirked. "Act."

When James didn't move, Barty dropped back down to crouch in front of him, looking almost serious. "Look. We obviously don't have to do this. But if I'm going to trust someone without potentially ruining my life, it's going to be you. I don't live with you. There are no feelings to mess with. It's safe. And maybe I want safe. So I'm asking -" He hesitated, but continued after a second. "I'm asking for a favor."

"You're drunk," James pointed out.

Barty shrugged. "So are you."

He stood up and held out a hand again. "So help me out?"

And so it started.

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After the first time they'd had sex, Barty had a panic attack. It took three hours to get him to a mental state James was comfortable with, and even then he made sure to check in after getting home.

James figured they were done after that.

Two weeks later, they were both at a party.

"Come home with me," Barty said, glancing around to make sure no one was listening.

James hesitated. "I don't know if that's smart. Last time -"

"Last time was bad," Barty acknowledged. He shrugged. "That's why it's you."

Something twisted in James's stomach. He ignored it.

"You want to try again?" James checked. "How much have you had to drink?"

"Two shots," Barty replied immediately. "I'm not drunk."

"I'm not either." James bit his lip. "Are you sure -"

"James," Barty cut him off. "If I wasn't sure, I wouldn't ask."

And so it happened again.

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After about a month and a half, Barty was a lot less anxious about the thought of being gay.

He was not less anxious about other people thinking he was gay.

Sometimes, when there was a little too much alcohol, they were more careless.

Makeout sessions in a bathroom stall.

Hands where they weren't supposed to be as they checked into a hotel on a group trip.

Barty's sweater in James's room, and James's jacket in his.

Small bruises on skin - necks, ribs, thighs.

They got a little less careful. But no one seemed to notice.

And so it continued, whatever they were doing.

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It was April when James finally asked.

"Are we dating?"

Barty finished pulling on his shirt. "What do you mean?"

"Dating," James repeated. "Is that what this is? What we're doing?"

"I guess." Barty grabbed his wallet. "That means this is exclusive, right?"

"I guess," James echoed.

"Then we're dating." Barty opened his door. "Lupin's still out?"

"Yeah," James confirmed.

Barty nodded, slipping out without another word.

And so they were dating. Sort of.

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At the end of May, an article came out. It wasn't surprising - they were all mixed up in the media industry, and gossip was a part of life for them.

This week's scandal and debate were centered on Barty and Evan.

'Friends? Or Friends With Benefits?'

James read the article.

And then he cleaned the entire apartment, trying to ignore the instincts screaming at him that something was going to happen.

But nothing did.

Barty didn't call.

He didn't text.

And so James waited.

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It took a week for Barty to show up at his apartment.

"They're not here, right?"

James let him in. "No one's here."

"Good." Barty lingered in the doorway. "We should stop our thing."

James kept one hand on the doorknob. "Our thing?"

"Yeah. Fucking. Or dating, or whatever it is," Barty clarified, not quite meeting his eyes. "I'm not gay. Figured it out."

"Oh." James had a million thoughts about that, but none of them were what he should say.

Instead, he stepped away from the door. "It's good that you found an answer." He smiled, and maybe it was a little less genuine than it should have been. "I'll grab your sweater - you left it again."

Barty was still in the entryway when he came back with the sweater in his hand. "Thanks."

"No problem." James leaned against the wall.

Barty nodded, opening the front door. Then he stopped, turning to look at him again. "We're good, right?" He shifted his weight. "You won't say anything?"

"We're good," James said, and he wasn't sure if it was true but it was what Barty wanted to hear. "It's like nothing happened."

Barty smiled at that, and the door was opened further - enough for James to see Remus quickly step back into the elevator area.

Barty turned the opposite way - toward the stairs, like he always did. He thought the elevator would increase his chances of getting caught.

James guessed he'd sort of been right.

He kept the door open as Barty disappeared down the stairwell, and Remus stepped back out into the open area.

Remus approached with a carefully blank expression. "James?"

"Welcome home," James managed. He went to the kitchen, pulling out the ingredients for a raspberry cake.

Remus followed him. "What was that?"

"What did it look like?" James asked. He took a deep breath, shoving down the hurt.

It didn't matter. They'd agreed at the beginning to keep it a secret. Barty had said there were no feelings.

"It looked like -" Remus stopped, and James knew he was trying to say it carefully. "You're making raspberry cake."

James nodded. "Yeah."

"You make raspberry cake when you're upset."

James hummed. "I've made it when I'm happy before."

"Once," Remus agreed. "But I don't think you're happy right now."

James just shrugged. "But the cake will be good."

There was a hand on his arm, and James reluctantly looked at one of his best friends. "I can't talk about it."

"Alright," Remus said calmly. "So what can you tell me?"

James thought about it for a minute.

And he settled on what mattered, in the end.

"He left."

Chapter 2: Can you keep it a secret?

There must have been something in his aura.

Something that labeled him - 'temporary'.

Something that made people want to try him out and put him back.

Something that brought him here, a year and a half into his relationship, sitting on the bed he'd made this morning.

"You're just safe," Lily said apologetically. "And it's not that I didn't like you. I really did, just - I've realized that I don't feel the way you do."

James swallowed hard. "Right."

"I mean, you had to have noticed," Lily continued. "We haven't had sex in months."

"You said you didn't like sex," James protested. "And that was fine. Is fine. I don't care."

"I know, James." Lily squeezed his hand. "And that's one of the reasons I love you so much. But I love you in a 'you're important to me and I want you to be happy' way. Not in the 'I'm in love with you' way. And you deserve that."

James nodded, blinking back tears. "Okay."

Lily pulled him into a hug. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," he said, and he knew it was a lie but it was one he needed to tell. "I understand."

They pulled apart, and she took his hand again.

And it was quiet for a while.

"I don't know what to do now," Lily said quietly.

"How long have you known?" James asked, matching her volume.

Lily's grip on his hand tightened, and his heart broke a little more. "It's a bad answer."

"But it's an answer," James said. "So can I hear it?"

His stomach twisted as she took a deep breath.

"I've been thinking about it for a year."

"A year?" James stood up, shaking his head. "A year? Lily, what -"

"I'm sorry!" Lily threw her hands up. "I just - I was confused! I liked you, and you were so sweet and perfect and I thought that I could make it work. I thought I could deal with it -"

"With what?" James asked, hurt and upset and all of the things he wasn't supposed to be. "With me? Am I something you've been dealing with?"

"No, no, not like that, it's not like that," Lily insisted. "James, I didn't mean to hurt you -"

"I brought up our wedding last week," James interrupted her, pacing. "I - I brought it up, and we talked about it, and the whole time you wanted to leave. What kind of - why would you -"

"I think I'm gay!"

The room got very quiet, very quickly.

Lily wrung her hands together over her lap, still sitting on the edge of the bed. "I - there's this girl at work. And nothing's happened, I promise, I would never do that to you, but -"

"But you wanted to," James realized. He took a deliberate step back, shaking his hands out as he tried to calm down.

Lily winced. "I wanted to."

"Okay." James nodded, pushing everything unimportant down for a second. "Okay. That's - okay." He took a deep breath. "I'm proud of you for telling me."

Tears fell down Lily's cheeks. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," James reassured her. "It's for the best. I understand."

"I just broke up with you," Lily protested. "You're supposed to be a little mean to me, okay?"

"I don't want to be mean," James admitted. He swiped at a tear that escaped. "I just want to be okay."

"Oh," Lily said softly, and then she was up, pulling him into another hug.

"I never wanted to hurt you," she whispered.

James returned the hug. "It's not your fault."

And it wasn't.

James wasn't the person people stayed with.

He was learning that now.

Lily was still crying when they pulled apart. "Can I ask for something awful?"

And James loved her. He did, and it hurt, and he wasn't sure it was going to stop hurting. "You can ask for anything."

"Can you keep it a secret?" Lily asked, and she couldn't have known how the words would feel but James felt a little betrayed anyway. "Just the part about me being gay. I'm not really confident yet, and I want to tell them myself, when I'm ready."

"Of course," James said, and he meant it. "I won't tell anyone."

He moved a bit of Lily's hair off of her face, gently wiping away the tears. "Do you want to put on a movie? I think I'm going to make something."

Lily's eyes filled with understanding, though the pain lingered. "Raspberry cake?"

James pretended it didn't hurt that she knew. "Yeah."

Lily nodded, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. "Whatever you need."

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It had taken a few days to work everything out - Lily had a lot of things at his apartment, and they had to update their friends, and they had a few long talks about how to preserve their friendship.

They moved all of Lily's stuff back to her apartment. They updated their friends, and assured them that it was an amicable split. There were no hard feelings.

Finally, Lily had taken the last few of her things, and James was sitting on the bed when there was a knock on his bedroom door.

Remus opened it, stepping inside quietly. "Hey."

"Hi." James stared at his blanket.

"Sirius is making chili," Remus offered. "And we restocked your ingredients section."

James nodded. "Thanks." He took a deep breath. "Guess you lost the coin toss."

He knew that's how they'd decided who would check on him. It's how they settled a lot of things.

"I won, actually."

That surprised him a little.

From the way Remus's lips ticked up, he noticed. "Want to talk about it?"

"Nothing to say," James said quietly. He shrugged, and then laughed, blinking back tears. "It's simple, right?"

He looked at one of his best friends, almost getting a sense of deja vu.

"She left."

Chapter 3: This is Pandora.

Lily was beaming, holding the other girl's hand in hers. "This is Pandora."

Pandora smiled brightly. "Hi!" She slid into the booth with Lily. "Lovely to officially meet you."

Sirius shook her hand. "I feel like I've seen you before."

"You know my brother," she replied easily. "Evan."

"Pandora just got a role in another movie," Lily said fondly.

"That's so cool!" Marlene leaned forward. "Do you have a makeup artist in mind? Because Sirius is great, and he'll do it at a reduced price if there's a dog on set."

Pandora smiled. "I can make that happen."

Sirius nudged James. "Hey."

James kept a smile on his face. "Yeah?"

"Are you okay?" Sirius asked quietly. "We can leave if you need to."

The offer was tempting.

"I'm good," James said. "She's nice."

"Yeah, but…" Sirius gave him a concerned look. "It's only been a couple months since you and - you know. You don't have to be okay right now."

"I am okay," James insisted. "I'm fine."

Sirius hesitated. "You made a raspberry cake last night."

He was going to have to start baking at someone else's apartment. "I know."

"You make raspberry cake when you're sad," Sirius informed him.

"I make it when I'm happy, too," James argued.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Are you happy?"

He hesitated. "I'm something."

"Something that means you want to leave?"

James pushed all of the feelings down. "Something unimportant."

Sirius started to protest, but James ignored it in favor of greeting Pandora. "What's your movie called? I'd love to go see it when it's out."

"It's called Birds and Lies," Pandora said brightly. "It's a comedy."

"Sounds great." He grinned. "I'm James, by the way."

"Oh, I know," Pandora replied. "Lily told me about you."

"All good things," Lily spoke up. "Promise."

Across from them, Marlene laughed. "Like there's anything bad to say." She grinned at him. "Our Jamie is practically a saint. Doesn't even drive over the speed limit."

His smile started to feel a little too forced. "I'm not that great."

"I think you are," Pandora said quietly, and James turned to her as Lily pulled Marlene's attention.

The blonde girl met his eyes with a soft smile. "You did more for her than you think," she told him, quiet enough that the others wouldn't hear.

James wasn't sure what to say. "Thanks?"

"I know it's weird," Pandora said, a little apologetic. "But I've been dying to talk to you. I met Lily before you two broke up, and I remember what she was like. She was scared, and reserved, and you changed that. Every time she talked about you, it was about something you did, or remembered, and how important you made her feel. You had a huge effect on her confidence, and I just want to say thank you." She tilted her head a little. "You were the first person she felt safe with, romantically, and if you weren't such an amazing person, she never would have asked me out."

"You gave her a safe space to grow," Pandora said softly. She met James's eyes. "So thank you. I've heard a lot of good things, and if you ever need anything, I'm available to help."

"Thank you," James replied, and everything hurt but there was something else there, too. Something a little kinder. "I hope we can be friends."

"We will be," Pandora said firmly. "I can tell."

James just smiled, and she seemed satisfied with that.

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James wasn't sure how he ended up in these situations.

It had started off easily enough - Sirius threw the idea out there, Remus agreed, and James went with it.

So they had a party.

Pandora greeted him with a hug, which made him smile. Lily gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Peter, who surprisingly did show up, brought a case of alcohol.

James was in the kitchen for the other arrivals, but he pretty much knew the guest list.

The trouble came after everyone had refilled their drinks a few times, and someone suggested they play 'never have I ever'.

James was sitting between Lily and Sirius.

Sirius lifted his cup. "Never have I ever brought a snake to school."

Barty drank, rolling his eyes.

Evan - who was here because of Pandora, mostly - laughed. "Of course you did."

The bottle landed on Barty.

"Yeah, yeah." Barty hummed in thought. "Never have I ever…slept with a guy."

Sirius, Remus, Lily, and Evan drank.

James stared at him. "What?"

Remus was watching him with concern.

"Slept with a guy," Sirius repeated for him.

Evan turned to Barty. "You're straight?"

Barty didn't even blink. "Yeah."

"Huh." Evan gave him an appraising look. "Didn't get that vibe."

"Sucks for you," Barty replied, shrugging.

Evan still didn't look convinced.

James downed his drink before standing up. "I'll be right back."

Pandora stood up, too. "I'm getting a snack. James, is there any fruit?"

"Yeah, it's in the fridge," James replied, detouring from his bedroom. "I'll show you."

He led Pandora to the kitchen and located the raspberries, handing her the container. "We also have apples and -"

"Do you like guys?"

"-grapes. What?" James turned to look at her.

"Do you like guys?" Pandora repeated, taking a raspberry out of the container. "Because I know a guy who has a crush on you, and I think you'd be good together."

"Um." James closed the fridge. "I - yeah. I like guys."

"Great!" Pandora handed the raspberries back. "I'll set you up." She stepped around him, but paused right before the doorway. "Oh, and James?"

James turned to look at her. "Yeah?"

"Barty's an asshole," she said cheerfully, and then she was gone.

James stared after her in shock.

And then he laughed.

"Yeah," he said to the empty kitchen. "He is."

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Three weeks later, James went to the coffee shop Pandora had directed him to, getting there twenty minutes early.

Five minutes before five, Regulus Black walked through the door.