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Derek left OLD Lady Margaery’s tent clutching his left hand to his chest. He felt a real sense of betrayal by the man he loved, but more so he just felt hurt. Emotionally speaking, his intense physical pain a smaller aside. As he made his way toward the hospital on foot he found himself ruminating on all the negative thoughts that sprung to mind.
“Of course Titch didn’t defend you, you’re not worth defending”, one of the ugly voices said.
Another sounded in with, “Why would he even bother with someone he sees only as an assistant?”
A hopeful part of him tried to make itself known by adding in, “He seemed to care enough the one night we had together.”
It was viciously interrupted with a hurt, “Which he instantly regretted the morning after. He ran away from you out of his own house.”
That hopeful voice refused to be drowned out though as it defended Titch, “He was just scared, just like he was back there with Lady Margaery.”
With a scathing tone one of the negative voice rebutted, “Him being scared doesn’t give him the right to hurt us like he has, time and time again.”
The thoughts fought on in his head as he walked, head down, feet shuffling. The vast majority of those thoughts seemed to be very upset, if not at Titch then at James for betraying his brother, at OLD Lady Margaery for helping James and breaking his fingers, Titch’s Dad for how he seemed to have raised his sons to see each other as rivals rather than family, his own Dad, though he wasn’t sure why for the last one. His father was a perfectly lovely man who had only ever supported his dreams, even when his dream was a 5’7 blond man with intimacy issues.
As he finally made it to the hospital he found some relief from the thoughts as he went through the bother of A&E intake. However, that respite didn’t last long, for as he waited to be seen he found himself keeping an eye out for blond hair, but it was never Titch. As he braced himself through his fingers being reset, he wished for Titch’s hand to hold, but he wasn’t there. As a nurse told him what he had to do to keep his fingers on track to healing well he hoped Titch would show up at the last minute, but alas he did not. It was as Derek was leaving the hospital hours later, maybe hanging around longer than needed, that he let that hope, that wish, die. As he turned away from the hospital his only thought was, “He must not care at all.”
----
Titch watched Derek as he ducked out of the tent, a horrible pain in his chest. Lady Margaery was right, he missed his chance. Derek had been nothing but helpful, kind and understanding. He had shown Titch nothing but love long before the ill-fated night they spent together, where he was the one to ruin what should have been remembered as the best in his life. He had panicked though, when he woke up in Derek’s arms, warm, comfortable and happier than he could remember being in a very long time, maybe since the day the Wright family officially adopted him, welcoming him into their home like he belonged. he had panicked then too.
He hadn’t known what it was like to be loved before that, what it was like to have a family, a home. He’d spent his early childhood in an orphanage where he made it his goal not to be seen, remembered or even thought of, it was safer that way. Even if it occasionally cost a hungry belly or being left out from the games the other children played. If people didn't pay him attention then he wasn't as likely to get hurt. It was the Wright's that showed him attention could be positive, that someone could love him.
The love he felt for Derek was different though, so much more intense and consuming, and it terrified him. He had woken up that morning and started to freak out once the sleepy haze wore off. He had tried to extract himself from Derek’s arms without waking him, but they were so entwined he never really had a chance. Instead of sneaking out of his own room like a coward, he was confronted by a beautiful, sleepy smile. He remembered the panic ebbed for a long moment as he took in the happy look on Derek’s face, but his panic and fear won out, as it often did when he found himself face to face with his emotions. He had completely missed Derek saying something too him, the other man’s smile disappearing, before blurting out perhaps one of the stupidest things he’d ever spoken. He’d told Derek it had been a mistake, that he regretted letting it happen, then he’d ran off before he could see the effect the words had on the man in his bed. He didn’t want to face the hurt he feared would be there. He pretended not to see that pain as time moved on from that morning. Instead when Derek would try to bring it up he'd brush it off, like it hadn't been important to him as well.
Now, as he stood between Margaery and the door, he felt a sense of hopelessness come over him. Surely it was too late, surely this time Derek wouldn’t be so forgiving, even if he was forever understanding of Titch’s behaviour.
With a great sigh he let those negative thoughts win out once again and decided that he could at least fix something, if not his relationship with Derek. So instead of running after a man who surely must be fed up with him, he stayed and turned to Lady Margaery, ready to make a deal. He had to at least make things right with James, even if his recent behaviour didn’t much deserve it. If only for their bond as children, he knew he needed his brother to understand he still loved him and wanted what was best for him. It took him hours of negotiation, but eventually they came to a deal, the lands overall prosperity for James’. Titch could give up his dreams if it meant his brother had his.
Lady Margaery took pity on him as he headed to the door of her tent, head down as he wiped tiredly at his face. Before he could duck through she called for his attention, “Titch, you imbecile, he told you what to do and where he’d be.” She wiggled her fingers at him as she advised, “Now go and do it. As I like to say, it’s never too late until somebody is dead.”
Morbid as her words were, he did take them to heart. She was right, he had to go find Derek at the hospital and tell him that he’d figured out his priorities. He needed to tell him what he’d done and let him know that he wanted Derek there with him as he figured out what came next. He had to tell him that he had remembered that family should come first, and Derek was part of his family. A stupid plot of land should have never come before the people he cared about, before Derek. He needed to tell him he wasn't married to the job.
He ran the whole way to the hospital before he became aware of his surroundings. It was well into the evening. Derek had left for the hospital hours ago. Surely he wasn’t still being helped inside. Still, hope flaring in his chest, he went inside, desperately looking for the giant of a man he now knew he loved more than anything. He saw no sign of him though, even when he walked through the halls and out around the building. There was no sign of Derek. He felt that hope slowly die out as he continued to wander around the grounds.
Eventually he had to give up. Security was getting suspicious of his aimlessness and seemed about ready to approach. So finally he decided it was time to head back to the farm, regroup. He still had to talk to James, try to sort out their relationship. He told himself as he shuffled home on tired feet that he’d find Derek first thing in the morning and apologize, tell him how much he means to him.
By the time he was walking up the steps of the house he was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t quite notice James at first. It wasn’t until his brother was up in his space that he looked up to a truly pissed off look. He managed to assuage James’ anger by telling him what he’d done, what he’d traded.
With his hands on his brother’s shoulders, he told him, “You never wanted to be a farmer, James. You never wanted any of this, but father did. He wanted you to follow in his footsteps so bad he didn’t stop to ask if that was what you wanted, if it would make you happy. He just wanted what he thought was best for us, god rest his soul, but he went about it in a shit way.” Seeing his brother was truly listening to him he told him, “You need to do what makes you happy. If football is what that looks like for you, then I support you one hundred percent.”
James looked close to tears as nodded. “Football is what makes me happy.” He seemed to frown to himself before asking, “But what about you little brother?”
Ignoring the nickname he had always hated in the past, but kind of liked when said with so much caring, Titch asked, “What about me?”
James put his hand over one of the hand on his shoulder as he clarified, “What makes you happy? What are your dreams?”
Taken aback a little, he answered honestly, “I truly do love being a farmer, working the land and growing things that people need. I was living pretty close to my dream, if only it hadn’t cost me the people I loved.”
In a moment of surprising insight, James asked, “People? Who else has the farm cost you?”
Blushing, not knowing how his brother would react, Titch looked at his shoes as he admitted just one word, “Derek.”
There was a sad sigh from James before he heard him say, “Oh brother, what did you do?” Looking up at his words Titch saw his brother pull something from his pocket as he told him, “Derek came by not too long ago to say goodbye. He seemed really upset. He left you a letter and said to make sure you got it.”
Titch felt a cold chill go down his spine and settle heavy in his stomach. With a shaking hand he reached out to take a seemingly innocent piece of folded paper that he feared would break his heart.
He wasn’t wrong to fear the piece of paper. He felt his heart break as he read,
Dearest Titch,
By the time you get this I’ll have probably left. Consider this my notice.
I don’t want to be a constant reminder of your regrets and I don’t want to push my feelings on you, but I have to tell you this at least once. I love you. I’ve loved you since the first time you smiled at me, but I now realize that love is truly unrequited. I don’t regret meeting you, I never could, I’ll also never regret our one night together, but I hope I can move past it, past this and let you live your best life without me, and hopefully live my second best without you.
I had hoped I could be what makes you happy but I see now I cannot. I truly hope you find what does brighten your life, like you did mine, and hold on to it. You deserve a chance at your dreams. You deserve happiness.
One last thing, before sitting down to write this letter I made one last stop to see Lady Margaery to make one last trade. The happiest I’ve seen you is on the farm, working the land, so I traded for your lands prosperity. It won't be as it used to be, unrelenting on one half, but rather fruitful throughout. You and James can work together, rather than against each other. Neither needs to prosper at the others expense. I truly hope you two work it out.
Your Loving Ex-Assistant,
Derek
Titch didn’t realize he had started to cry until a tear landed on the page in his shaking hands. He felt his breath hitch in his chest as he was vaguely aware of an arm pulling him into a hug. James pulled him closer as he finished reading the letter he was peaking at. James pulled him impossibly close as he shushed him, comforting him by gently saying, “It’s okay little bother. We can fix this. We’ll find him before he leaves and you can tell him that he’s wrong about how you feel. He’ll forgive you and everything will be fine.”
Trying to stop himself from sobbing, Titch choked out, “You don’t understand, James. I hurt him. I made him feel unloved, unwanted. I don’t deserve to be forgiven.”
----
He was almost done packing what he needed. He figured he could come back for the little else he had. His rent was paid through the month so he was in no rush to be out completely. He was in a rush to be out himself though. He needed to go home to lick his wounds surrounded by his family. He needed to be around people that loved him. He’d already bought his ticket and phoned his Mom from a rare payphone, scaring her half to death as he instantly started sobbing at the sound of her loving voice. His family was waiting for him, waiting to comfort him. He had even heard his Dad on the phone in the background calling his sister. He didn’t think she’d be there for his arrival, after all she had two young kids and a husband to pull along behind her, but he knew in his heart she’d be there in the morning with a box of pastries and a box of tissues.
He did a mental checklist one last time before leaving and locking the door behind him. If he was quick he’d catch his train just on time.
----
Titch tried knocking on Derek’s door for a couple of minutes before his neighbour, probably out of annoyance, popped her head out to inform him Derek wasn’t home, that they had seen him leave with a suitcase fifteen minutes ago. His despair must have shown on his face because the lady’s face softened as she told him, “Everything will be fine, love. I’m sure he’ll be back in a couple days time.”
He didn’t tell her he feared Derek didn’t want to come back. He didn’t tell her he feared never getting the chance to tell the man he loved that he loved him more than anything. What he did tell her was a very subdued, “I hope you’re right.”
She seemed to look a little concerned with his response but he didn’t stick around to hear any follow up questions. Instead he trudged his way back out to the truck where James was waiting for him.
At seeing his brother come out alone James frowned before asking, “So we missed him then?”
Nodding, Titch all but whispered, “Let’s just go home. There isn’t anything I can do until I figure out where he’s gone.”
As James started the truck up he noted, “It’s a shame Old Lady Margaery has your phone, or you could just call him.”
Titch felt a moment of hope as he asked, “Don’t you have his number?”
Looking sheepish, James told him, “I broke my phone in a football match last week. That’s why I had yours when I went to see Old Lady Margaery.” At Titch’s despondent look he added, “Phillip will probably have his number. After all, my farm assistant and yours had to have been in contact.”
He didn’t feel any hope at that thought though. After all, Derek had traded with Lady Margaery, who’d had a penchant for phones of late. There was a very good chance Derek had traded his fancy new phone for Titch’s apparent happiness, ironically taking away his chance at it.
----
Derek spent the train ride home trying not to concern the people sitting around him. He was trying to keep a brave face as he fought off more tears. He tried not to think about Titch but very much failed. By the time he was stepping off the train he was exhausted beyond measure. He was utterly relieved to see his parents stood nearby with big, though concerned, smiles. Before any words were exchanged he found himself engulfed in a group hug. He was quick to give a vague explanation about his fingers before too many questions could be asked.
It wasn’t long before he found himself being fussed over as he was led to his parent’s car, herded in like he was five again. It was easier to keep his mind off of things as his parents told him about all the stuff he had missed since they lasted talked. There were endless stories about his niece and nephew, who he was assured he’d see the next day. He even found himself gently laughing at the antics of his four year old niece who had started having a lot of opinions by the sounds of it.
They got back to his childhood home with no more tears making an appearance. It wasn’t until his mom was handing him a hot cocoa, and his dad was gently pulling him to sit down between them on the couch, that the tears started fresh. He poured his heart out to them as they quietly sat and listened, hugging him when he got quiet when the tears were too much.
Fully sobbing, he choked out, “I just love him so much, and I wish with all my heart he loved me back.” Gathering himself a little, he told them, “I just want to be someone that makes him happy, someone who makes him feel loved, like he’s wanted and he belongs. I want him to understand that he’s worthy of love no matter what unrealistic standards he sets for himself.”
Pulling him into a tight hug, his mother told him, “If it’s meant to be it will all work out. If not, we’ll be here to help you through it.”
He felt his father’s hand on his back as the older man added, “For what it’s worth, I think he’s crazy if he doesn’t come after you. From all that you’ve told us, you seem to put a lot of faith in the man, so I have faith in him too.”
Not long after he was gently told he needed to get some sleep. He wasn’t about to argue, he felt dead on his feet. If he was feeling any less horrid he might have felt silly about falling asleep to the feeling of his mom’s fingers brushing gently through his hair, but as it was he probably wouldn’t have fallen asleep without it.
----
Titch didn’t sleep a wink. Somewhere between James convincing him to eat something and pushing him to bed he realized he knew where Derek would likely have gone. He might have been a prick to Derek about that night, but he did listen, and care. After, when they had been lying in bed, cuddled up together, they had talked for hours. Titch had opened up about his childhood after Derek had talked all about his. They had compared stories about parents and siblings and childhood crushes. The main thing that Titch took away was that Derek truly took comfort from his family, from his family home. He knew that nothing was more important to the man than family.
In the early hours of the morning, just as the sun was beginning to peek over the edge of the horizon, he found himself booking a ticket. It was his best bet and he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to do everything he could to try to get to Derek. He couldn’t let the man think for one second longer he wasn’t loved by Titch.
He was grateful when he woke his brother to no complaints. James was happy to drive him to the train station. He even told Titch he’d talk to Phillip when he got to the farm, to see if he could get a hold of Derek. Of course Titch didn’t think it would amount to anything useful, but he kept that to himself. It was nice having his brother backing him again like when they were kids.
It wasn’t long, though it felt an eternity, before Titch found himself sitting on a train speeding toward his best chance at happiness. He tried to psych himself up as they sped along, quietly practicing to himself what he would say. He didn’t want to get it wrong, not again.
----
Waking from a wrestles sleep, Derek found himself disoriented for a moment when he opened his eyes. It took a moment for the last few days to come back to him. He had to remember why he was waking up in his childhood bedroom. He didn’t have much time to dwell on it though before there was a rapid knock at the bedroom door, quickly followed by said door flying open to two sets of small feet and one set that should know better than to barge in on a person. He didn’t actually mind however as he was soon covered in a dog pile of some of his favorite people. His niece was crawling rapidly over the bed to kiss him on the cheek as his nephew dive-bombed into his stomach. His sister was quick to jump on his feet as she shouted, “Kids, what do we do when someone is being a pouty McPouterson?”
He barely had time to brace himself before two little voices yelled back, “We tickle, tickle, tickle them!” He managed to keep his gangly limbs from flailing out and hurting anyone, but not by much. As he pled for mercy he found himself smiling a real smile again. It gave him hope that he could get through this.
After some cuddle time with his two favorite people, and his sister who he supposed was a favorite too, they all went out to the kitchen where wonderful smells were coming from. They ate a relatively relaxing meal as the kids did most of the talking, very excited to get a surprise visit from their Uncle Gangly.
Later, not being given a choice in the matter, Derek found himself being herded into another car. His sister told him with no doubt about the matter that he was spending the day having fun with his niece and nephew, which he wasn’t about to argue with anyway.
----
Fairly sure he knew where he was going, Titch made his way from the train station. He didn’t have a house number but he did have a street name and a description of the house. He felt relatively sure he could fine Derek’s childhood home.
He had the taxi drop him off at one end of the street. He was determined to find Mr. and Mrs. Long’s house if it was the last thing he did. He told himself that even if Derek wasn’t there, they might be able to point him in the right direction.
In the end he only had to walk down the street and look at the first house that matched the description. As he was contemplating a trees level of fun to climb the front door burst open and a tall man, who was very clearly related to Derek look and height wise, came striding out, approaching him with a weary but still kind look on his face.
The man looked him up and down with a critical eye before asking, “Titch, is it?”
Feeling the politeness his father instilled in him, Titch straitened his exhausted body as much as he could as he politely responded, “Yes, sir. Mr. Long I presume?”
The man reached out a hand to shake as he told him, “That would be me, yes.”
Titch felt a wave of relief as he was quick to ask, “Is Derek here?”
Pursing his lips, the man gave him another evaluating look before responding, “Not at the moment, no.” He seemed to see Titch deflate as he quickly added, “We expect him home in a few hours though. He’s spending the day with family.”
Hope coming back to him, Titch responded by asking, “May I come back then, to see him?” He looked sheepishly down at his feet, hands tightly grasped in front of him, as he added, “There is something I need to tell him. Something we need to talk about.”
Though Titch didn’t look up to see it, a small smile crossed the older man’s face before he responded, “No need to come back,” Titch felt his heart drop before the man continued, “You can come wait inside. I’m sure Martha will want to meet you. Besides, you look like a stiff breeze could topple you.”
Titch felt like crying as he nodded gratefully. He’d been running on fumes and a place to sit and wait sounded wonderful.
He managed to make it through about twenty minutes of somewhat stilted but comfortable conversation before he felt his eyelids starting to droop. He didn’t mean to fall asleep, but to the mild amusement of Martha and her husband, he dropped off in the middle of a sentence that wasn’t very coherent to begin with.
----
Derek was stood outside an ice cream shop, trying very hard not to get any of said treat on himself, when he heard his sister’s phone go off. He looked over to see her exchange a few quick, surprised words with someone before hanging up and looking to Derek. It was with a bit of a troubled smile that she told him, “Mom and Dad have a surprise for you when we get home. They said not to rush though.”
Raising his eyebrows at the odd contradicting emotions crossing her face, he asked, “Should I be worried? Will I be walking into some sort of trap?”
Laughing lightly, his sister assured, “Nothing to worry about, big bro. Just keep enjoying your time with us.”
Trusting his sister, he let it go, and soon enough it was out of mind. He was too busy trying to decide if it was rude to refuse a four year-olds hug on the basis of sticky fingers and face. In the end he didn’t get much of a choice when his six year old nephew sneaked up from behind and jumped on his back while he was bent down cleaning the little girls face of chocolate ice cream. At that point there was no point in refusing further ice cream covered hugs.
By the time they were pulling up to their childhood home, he was exhausted, and his sister didn’t seem to be fairing much better. It was with that as an excuse that she told him she was dropping him off before heading home. He had thought she was staying for supper but didn’t think much of it as he was saying his good-byes.
It wasn’t until he was stepping though the front door, heading into the living room that he realized why his sister had been acting oddly.
He found both his parents sitting quietly as they read and a very familiar mop of blond hair seemingly past out on the couch. Only mildly joking, he whispered, “Please tell me you didn’t kill him?” Somewhat paralyzed by surprise, he managed to further squeak out, “Why is Titch passed out on your couch?”
Turning to look at him in unison, both his parents raised an eyebrow that silently said, “Why do you think?”
Accepting this none answer, Derek started to nod to himself. One of the mean voices in his head piped up with, “He’s probably not here to declare his undying love. He probably just wants his assistant back. Especially now he can grow things again.”
The much nicer voice that seemed to strive off hope offered as an alternative, “Or he realized what he had lost and he’s here to get YOU back, not just his assistant.”
Taking a deep breath, he shook off the voices and decided there was only one way to find out. Quietly, he asked his parents for some privacy with Titch before slowly, hesitantly approaching the smaller man. Gently putting his hand on the sleeping man’s shoulder, he called out his name.
It took a moment but soon enough he was looking into the blurry, sleep confused, eyes of the man he loved. He couldn’t help the hope he felt but it wasn’t without pain as well.
Softly, he asked, “Why are you asleep on my parents couch, Titch, love?” He only caught the slip up after the fact, quickly apologizing, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that.”
Titch, though still groggy, was quick to shake his head and say, “No, please don’t apologize, especially never for that.”
Feeling hope grow in his heart, Derek asked, “I thought it made you uncomfortable?”
Sitting up, Titch gently grabbed Derek’s hands as he corrected, “No, not uncomfortable, maybe a little scared, but never uncomfortable. Not if it’s you saying it.”
Not ready to fully give in to hope, Derek furrowed his brow in question as he asked, “Why are you here, Titch?”
It broke Titch’s heart to see the doubt and pain on Derek’s face, so he took a deep breath and gathered all of his courage before letting himself tell Derek what he deserved to hear, “I love you, Derek.”
Derek felt his heart skip a beat at hearing those words, his breath catching in his lungs, still not sure he could believe what he was hearing.
Seeing the doubt still there, Titch raised one hand to Derek’s face as he all but whispered, “I’m in love with you.” Tears were springing to both their eyes as he continued, “I’ve been in love with you for longer than I was willing to admit to myself because I was scared.” He swallowed thickly, looking away from Derek’s beautiful eyes before admitting, “I was a coward, and I let it hurt you. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”
A hand mirroring his own gently touched his cheek, encouraging him to look up. Derek couldn’t stand seeing so much pain in his love’s enchanting eye’s as he told him, “A coward wouldn’t be sitting on my parents couch right now, telling me everything I’ve ever dreamed of hearing. I think that takes a pretty brave person.”
He was grateful to see a small smile come back to Titch’s face as the smaller man promised, “I will spend every day of the rest of our lives trying to live up to that, if you’ll give me a second, or more like third or fourth, chance?”
Laughing at the slight rambling, Derek asked the question he had wanted to ask since Titch looked at him with love clear on his face. “Yes, love, can I kiss you now?”
Titch was already moving in as he murmured, “Yes”.
This kiss was nothing like the kisses they had shared before. This one was slower but with so much more feeling being openly displayed behind it. Derek hadn’t thought their night together passionless, but it didn’t come close to this. It was like Titch had finally let his emotions show, flow out in how he pulled Derek in closer, both hands coming up to stroke his cheeks before one sneaking back to the nape of his neck. He felt like he was being consumed by love, and if he had doubted the veracity of Titch’s words before, he definitely didn’t now.
Both men only pulled back when they heard a clearing of the throat from behind them. Derek noted that Titch turned a lovely shade of red before looking behind him to see both his parents grinning from ear to ear, though clearly trying to hide it.
Derek’s father finally spoke, asking, “So is this matter settled then? Have you two cleared things up between yourselves?”
Nodding, Derek told him with a smile of his own, “Yes, I rather think so.”
Clutching her hands to her chest, his mom softly exclaimed, “Isn’t that just lovely.” She smiled at her son as she asked, “Now, if you two are done making out like teenagers, Titch dear, will you be staying for supper?”
Looking to Titch for an answer, he heard the other man politely respond, “I would love to, Mrs. Long.”
She only laughed as she told him, “Martha dear. Family can always call me Martha.”
----
Later that night, as Derek found himself in Titch's arms, he felt a sense of peace overcome him. He and Titch had talked, hours on end, each explaining their end of things. They laughed over the near misses as Titch had gone after Derek, just a little too far behind. They also came to realize they owed Lady Margaery a thank you, even if she broke Derek's fingers.
The last thing Derek heard as he drifted off was Titch's soft voice, murmuring into his hair, "I've never been happier than I am right now, all thanks to you, love."