Chapter Text
For some people, magic eye posters are the coolest things ever. Because at first glance its messy and it doesnt make any sense, but if you look very closely, and if you squint, everything lines up and its the most beautiful thing ever.
But for others, it doesnt line up, and its just a mess. A mess with no clear end in sight.
Holden awoke slowly in the car ontop of justin, his head rested on the mans chest. He breathed in through his nose shallowly before lifting his head up to look at justin.
"Justin?"
He said softly, not wanting to startle him.
Slowly justin awoke aswell, his eyes blinking open and looking sleepily at holden who was smiling widely.
"Hey justin.. i missed you.."
Justin chuckled, his hand automatically going to holden's head to pet his hair.
"Missed me? I never left."
Holden smiled, pressing a quick kiss to justin's cheek before nuzzling against it.
"I know... but when im asleep i dont know if im with you or not."
"Just remember this, if we fell asleep together, you'll wake up by my side."
Justin said with that sweet smile and comforting tone that made holden's heart skip a beat.
"..okay."
Holden responded simply, pressing multiple kisses to justin's cheek, making him giggle.
–
As justin and holden stood at the end of the cash register and the cashier was busy ringing them up, justin looked through his wallet.
Its then that he realized he only had 100 bucks left. He had been blindly spending money on food and motels the past 2 weeks but now he faced the realization that they were in desperate need of a job or they would starve.
"We need to find a job. Preferably today."
"Okay.. thats fine, right? We just drive around and.. look for one?"
Justin sighed, looking away from holden to look infront of him through the windshield.
"That didnt work last time, did it?"
Justin felt a pang of guilt at his harsh tone but brushed it off as he started driving to nowhere, basically.
"... okay."
Holden responded, a small genuine pout on his face.
"Youre not qualified to work here."
"If you cant give an address i cant hire you."
"Were not hiring currently."
Rejection after rejection after rejection it was for justin and holden, and by the end of the day they had driven around from city to city unable to find a single place that would hire both of them. And that was a requirement
Holden didnt ever wanna be away from justin for longer than an hour again.
"What are we gonna do? Seriously!"
"I dont know!"
Holden yelled, his hands grasping and pulling at his hair.
"Stop that, youre hurting yourself.."
"Dont tell me what to do!"
He responded, pulling harder despite knowing he was overreacting.
"Holden, stop!"
"SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Justin flinched backwards in the car, a concerned and shocked expression on his face from the unexpected outlash.
Holden continued to pull his hair and cry, hitting his head on the dashboard infront of him.
"Holden, please... im sorry.. i love you."
"YOU DIDNT LOVE ME WHEN YOU WERE RUDE TO ME THIS MORNING!"
"Is that what you think? That if i show a slight attitude that i dont love you? Listen to yourself, holden!"
Holden groaned in frustration, stopping his headslamming but continuing to pull his hair.
He wanted to be nowhere right now, he wanted to somehow prove to himself that justin didnt infact love him so he could have more and more supporting evidence that he was a piece of shit.
Why? Holden had no idea. He seemed to just be wired to think that he sucked and nobody could love a piece of garbage like him.
Holden felt the press of a pair of lips against his cheek, and he felt the immediate urge to push justin away, but he refused.
Justin didnt hate him, and he didnt deserve this push and pull treatment, despite that being how holden has treated everybody in his life.
But at that touch of justin's lips on his cheek, he felt calmer, and maybe, just for a second, he felt lovable.
"... am i too much?"
He asked sadly, his head slowly turning to look at justin who's face was so close to his they breathed on eachothers lips.
"Sometimes you can be very emotional, but you– the essence of you– is never too much."
Holden melted at those words. His hands fell from his head and he kissed justin deeply, moaning softly as his lips moved with justin's.
After a few seconds he pulled away and mumbled a soft apology, to which justin just nodded and reassured him.
"Its alright.. i get it... but its gonna be okay. And i do love you."
Holden felt more tears slipping down his cheeks, but instead of wiping them away he let them fall, let them stain his cheeks and neck and pool at the collar of his shirt.
"I love you so much, justin... i wouldnt know what to do or who i'd be without you... please, please dont forsake me, justin..."
He begged, letting out soft sobs.
Justin took him into his arms and hugged him tightly, whispering soft praises and reassurances into holden's ear as holden cried and sniffled.
He looked like a sad puppy and that made justin want to protect him and hold him even more.
–
The sun shone through the uncovered car windows, causing justin's eyes to flutter open. Holden layed ontop of him, his sweet face calm and relaxed in the haze of sleep. Justin felt a wave of anxiety wash over him looking at holden.
He was really pregnant.
With holden's baby.
Justin didnt know what to do about it, he wasnt sure if there was anything he could do. But he knew he didnt want this child. His hand reached under holden's waist to touch his own stomach, feeling himself as he was aware of the life inside him.
Justin not only didnt want a child, but he was afraid that having this child would made holden see him as a woman. It was his worst nightmare to be seen as something so feminine and womanly. He was taught growing up that women bear children and take care of them, and men only plant the seed. He didnt want to bear a child nor did he want to raise it, because that would prove his womanhood.
Justin combed his fingers through holden's hair to calm himself down, his breathing ragged.
He told himself it was going to be okay, and that he could probably get an abortion. But would he be a murderer if he did? Would holden think of him as a murderer?
He didnt wanna be bad. All justin wanted was to be good. He wanted to be the good boy.
Holden slowly awoke at the sound of justin's heavy breathing and soft, panicked whispers.
"Justin? Are you alright?"
He asked, looking at justin with those adorably concerned eyes that'd make any sensible man crack.
"Holden, what are we gonna do?"
Justin asked with a higher pitched voice than usual.
"Its alright.. were gonna find a job and a home and–"
"No, i dont mean that! What are we gonna do about our baby?"
Holden fell silent. They had had this conversation before and it was clear they didnt quite agree. So he took a deep breath and cleared his throat.
"Well... i cant stop you from makin' your own choice.."
"Thats all youre gonna say? I want to hear what you think, holden."
"I think.. that its your body, and therefor your choice."
"No, holden, really. I wanna know what you want to happen to this baby."
"You really wanna know? I dont want that baby to die! I want to raise it with you and be a daddy and have a family with you!"
Justin sighed, knowing holden was being honest now. He understood the craving for family, especially given the fact that holden never had much of a family to begin with. But he wasnt ready. He just wasnt.
"Holden, im so sorry but i dont want this baby..."
Holden started to tear up, his face scrunching up like a child as he let out a soft sob.
"Holden, dont cry.."
He didnt respond, covering his face with his hands and sobbing softly.
Justin stared at him, exhaustion written all over his face before he looked down at his stomach, the stomach that harbored a small human.
"I just cant do it, holden... i know you want it but i cant.."
He said, tearing up himself until both the men were crying softly.
Holden moved his hands away and looked at justin with forgiving eyes, gently cupping justin's cheeks.
"Hey, its alright.. i wont force you to have a baby.."
Justin nodded the tiniest nod before choking out–
"I dont wanna be a mother.."
He said before sobbing softly, crying like a baby.
"You will never be a mother. Youre a man. And if you were to one day have a kid, you'd be a dad."
Justin sobbed louder, gripping onto holden's shirt to keep himself grounded.
"But fathers dont bear the child or give birth to it..."
"Then we'll adopt."
Justin stopped crying for a moment, looking up at holden who smiled softly, a few tears still in his eyes.
"I just want you, justin. Every part of you. But if you dont want this baby, i dont want it either..."
Justin sniffled, wiping away his tears.
"I love you.."
He said with a shaking voice.
Holden's eyes widened slightly before he took a deep breath and responded.
"I love you too. So, so much."
He held justin, letting him continue to cry into his chest. He ruffled justin's dirty-blonde hair and kissed the top of his head.
"Child or not, youre my justin.. and ill always love you."
–
After many days of searching and trying to buy cheap foods and limiting their motel stays, both the men got a job working at a local gas station store.
While neither were particularly happy about the position, they couldnt pass it up as they really needed to money.
Their days started to consist of waking up, cuddling, working a boring ass 9-7, eating dinner and sleeping together, literally and figuratively.
At the same time holden started writing a book. He didnt have a title yet but he had a general premise. It would be about two men in the 60s who got a job herding sheep together and end up falling in love. It was meant to be heartbreakingly sad yet tender and loving, and as he continued to write over the next few weeks, justin continued to show more signs of pregnancy.
His stomach had a slight bump and he started craving less sex. So they had less sex.
While holden would always respect justin's boundaries and never force him into sex, he had started to feel as though they were growing apart because of it, and that pained him so bad.
He never wanted justin to feel so distant and moody like he does now, and he knew it was just hormones but it still made him softly cry at night when justin was asleep.
"Do you think theres been a.. distance between us lately?"
Holden asked while he was writing during their lunchbreak.
"...what do you mean?"
Holden sighed, putting his pen down.
"I just feel like.. ever since we got this new job... you've been acting more serious."
Justin smiled softly, looking at him with a confused expression.
"I dont know what youre talking about."
"Well, for one, weve been having less sex.."
Justin's smile disappeared at what sounded like a complaint.
"Is that what this is about? I just want less sex. Is that a fucking problem?"
Holden raised his hands, his eyes widening.
"Nonono, its not.. i just feel like its created a gap between us.."
Justin leaned forward and whispered–
"Holden, im pregnant."
He said to explain his lack of a libido, and holden nodded.
"I know, and im saying its fine that were having sex less, but... i dont want.. to lose you."
Justin's expression softened. He understood now that holden's remark wasnt to beg for more sex, but was simply out of fear of disconnection.
"You wont lose me. I promise."
He said as reassuringly as he could, putting a hand over holden's. Justin squeezed his hand and brought it to his lips, pressing a kiss to it.
Holden chuckled softly at that and blushed, that big grin on his face thats there everytime justin makes him feel happy.
"Youre amazing, justin. I want you to know that."
Justin smiled, his blue eyes penetrating holden's.
"I know."