Chapter Text
"Look - I'm sorry I said I didn't want you."
Shauna held her quiet, tiny baby in a thousand bundles to protect him from the blizzard cold and everything the wilderness outside embodies. "I guess you probably knew that... but it was all really complicated, I'll tell you all about it someday. The point is, I was so so wrong. And I love you so so much."
Her baby's beady eyes look up into his mother's face, and maybe he recognises her, maybe he's too close to the brink of death to properly tell. Either way, he remains still. For someone who (that Shauna desperately recognises and fears) is almost too hungry to live, he isn't wailing or grabbing or even shaking. It's a distinct difference to the hunger the Yellowjackets have come to welcome, nor one that any other member of a decent civilisation could comprehend.
"And I can't wait to see who you'll become, what you'll do, but it all depends on this. On us, figuring this out." Shauna strokes his forehead gently and sniffles.
Theres a distinct look of self-hatred on Shauna's sickly pale face - actual real meat for dinner was sure to break the breastfeeding issue, she had hoped and prayed. Provided, it was already the next afternoon and there was zero signs of Shauna gaining the ability to breatfeed. That's four days (or is it five?) of beign simply alive for Shauna's baby and now four-five days of fasting. The conundrum was beginning to arouse a new kind of panic like none before, like Shauna's heart beated with a sense of being constantly hunted.
Even now, as Shauna holds her child close, something that only just brought her such a sense of comfort, nothing can quell the pit in her stomach. Action needs to be taken. She can't rest and remain optimism in the rest of her football team anymore. In an idyllic world, Misty could magically cure her issue and Nat and Travis would spend more time catching pray then they had a history of last summer.
Even so, that isn't the case, is it? She can hear Van and Tai tending to the fire after the snow cleared, Lottie's eccentric group gathering and murmuring "I hear.." statements, Coach Ben coughing in the next room over. Shauna knows for fact they're all awfully concerned for her and her baby, though are they doing anything? Secretly, a depraved and twisted part of all of them wrangled deep inside, is wishing the baby will die. That way, there will be an opportuinity to feast once again.
Shauna wipes her eyes, having decided to face the music. She tucks her hair back and carefully places her baby onto the bed she's sitting on Shauna kisses his forehead even more carefully. "It's you and me kid."
Shauna frankly hasn't further coarse of action, howevet even if she gorges herself on Crystal or shares it with the team, it will be something, and she will ensure she has the biggest piece. She's going to find Crystal. For her son.
She stumbles about the room with a sharp pain between her legs but determination nonetheless. She grabs another pair of socks, her beanie-turned-headwrap, fingerless yet useful gloves and a thin bedcover Natalie had makeshifted into a cloak for hunting in extreme weather.
Shauna makes her way out of the bedroom, holding her baby as per usual, and manages her way to the table where Coach Ben sits, staring out the window. He seems not there, and Shauna doubts for a second; is this all right, to leave her baby with someone who refused to help with the birth?
With or without Coach Ben, the experience of pushing an entire being out would've been earth-shattering pain, yet Shauna's little remaining trust had been almost entirely broken.
Stilll... psychos in the woods praying for her, Lottie's head against her stomach whispering...
There was simply no one else. Ben Scott hadn't partaken in the whole eating Jackie thing, and whether Shauna could admit this aloud or not, she knew he had simply better morals. He was an upstanding civilian. He had thrived in society and that made him inadaptable here. Directions pointed to the actuality that if anyone was capable of watching Shauna's son without their mouth watering, it'd be him.
"Oh, Shauna." His eyes look dull.
"I know it's sudden and all, but I need you to watch him." Coach Ben's empty eyes redirect to the bundle of baby in her arms and slowly swelling down stomach. "Oh." He appears to shake himself awake, and looks a little less stoic then he has these past few days. As if he is now forced to be apart of his life, apart of this cabin and this society. "I mean, shit, yeah. That's fine. How long, though?"
Shauna thinks. "Maybe an hour or two. I'm just going on a walk. I'll be back before it gets dark, definitely." Coach Ben reaches his hands out, and then they falter as if nervous, nevertheless Shauna can't give him time to think it over. He's the only person. She gently moves her son into his arms. Coach Ben holds him out awkwardly at arms length, yet manages to repeat Shauna's own motherly hold. "What do I do if he cries? What do you do?"
Shauna's heart tightens and she fights back a grimace. With a fairly fiece bite, she says "He doesn't cry. He hasn't." Ben doesn't look confronted or worried, as Shauna might've wanted. He and the baby are both stoic creatures. it might be a good match. "Oh." he repeats though makes no effort to enquire.
Shauna, perhaps more anxious then she could possibly of imagined two minutes ago, forces herself to walk away. She can't be bothered to keep this up when she has a job to do. She grabs a recently sharpened hand-knife (where a sleeping Javi lay) from Javi's intricate wood sculptures and pockets it for worst case scenarios. Almost to the door, Coach Ben's voice rises and he raises one hand. It makes sense, he definitely needs further instruction, still drowsy from his long disengagement. "You need to be careful and walk slow. You're only five days" (so it was five days.) "from giving birth." he pauses a little, but continues "I'll watch him as long as you want." he promises empathetically.
Shauna's heart tugs a little. It's strange why, for days she's been totally and rationally numb. On the other hand, Coach Ben is the closest to a good person in a thousand miles distance. "Bye." and Shauna walks out the door.
She purposefully avoids eye contact with Van and Tai, not even looking in their general direction, as they break whispers and look up. "Wait, Shauna!-" she speeds up, daring her to follow after. She can't bother with this conversation once again. Can't bother with Tai. She doesn't. Tai and Van speak in hushed tones once more, and this time Shauna feels their eyes in her back staring holes.
Cold wind slams into Shauna despite her many layers of wear and it worsens her already shaky legs. Shauna knows the direction of the 'toilet' and tries to shift her ways through winding trees, rocky terrain and heaps of snow. She simply walks and walks and walks until her ankles are on fire and her arms ache with the absense of a newborn. This has to be it. "We were taking the shit bucket out and there was an accident," Misty cried with purpose. Shauna has to be right about this or everything she breathes oxegyn and heart beats and blood pumps for.
Shauna hears an owl hoot. She hears the wind through the trees. She hears herself groan with dispassion from her injuries. Coach Ben was, admittedly right. She can't walk too fast given her time of postpartum. No matter this, the only way out is through.
Her eyes are tired but thankfully the walk isn't too far - for practicality - and trees part onto the cliff. In this snowy open space, there isn't any clues.
Shauna stills. We were taking the shit bucket out and there was an accident, accident?
There's no way she's buried under all the snow, now thawing a little, because then she would've been easier to find when Misty ventured out for her only recently. Her inspection, of course, can't be trusted. Given this, the pit in Shauna's stomach drops even further. What if Misty got to her first? She wouldn't. She can't. Misty couldn't of because Shauna has to believe what favours her baby.
What if Misty did finish her off in the first place? A big shiny knife through her chest, slamming her head into a rock, pushing her off the cliff-
Pushing her off the cliff.
Idea lightens up inside of Shauna. Her aching feet, shaky legs and wound can't delay her as she quickens pace, finding footpath around the side of the mountain, forced to clutch her bare hands against icy rock to balance. It immediately burns cold and Shauna grits her teeth, forcing forward. She almost slips as she rounds around a tree, the soft dome of slow would've landed her dead. She groans loudly from shifting her hips too quickly and stomach clenching down. Vision blurs from hunger. Shauna has to stop herself from instictively grabbing her stomach to shield her unborn baby from it, then remembers he's safe, at home (did she just call Dead Guy's Cabin her home?) and sound.
Now to look. The snow is definitely thawed, she can tell, but not completely. Rationality has left her. Shauna's hands dig through the snow, trying to move fast enough for her brain to not register the freeze attacking her bones. Whimpers leave her mouth, shaking more decidely like an animal and hunger beginning to awaken inside of her. Desperation. She has to do this. Persevere. Do not forget the reason you have to do this.
Clawing and shifting through countless layers of snow, Shauna's index finally brushes something solid. Given her entire hands are now numb and at risk of being frostbiten, she almost doesn't believe it. As best as she can, she flexes her fingers once more, and sure enough, there is something right there. Further and further she reaches, having now made a great hole in the snow almost the size of an animal pit.
Shaky arms brush away snow after snow.
It reveals a plaid covered wrist under layers of a fur brown coat, hands bare. Yes!
Hunger drives home the choice to wrap around the ankle and tug as hard as she can with her unable body. It takes moments, minutes - with effort, soon the shoulder joint is revealed out. It's hard to manuever, given rigormortis has more then set it, but Crystal is perfectly perserved in the snow. Her skin has a lace of frost to it.
Before any humanity has a chance to reach out, force Shauna to remember who she was before the plane crash and who she was before biting into Jackie's flakey skin and developing a hunger for it, she bears her entire array of teeth and bites down. It's cold under her mouth, it's nothing like how Jackie tasted when she was heated above a fire, but it's something. And it's the best thing Shauna has tasted in months. The taste is overwhelming. Any previous ideas of sharing with the teammates, the ones who hadn't the same hint of determiantion as she does now, is completely gone. This is her victory; this is her baby's victory.
Shauna returns home to the cabin with a overtly full stomach and a passion to cradle her baby to her chest once more. When she enters the door, almost all the members of Yellowjacket's (once a soccer team, now a civilization) crowding the fire. Shauna's cheeks immediately gain colour as she walks in the door and desperately closes her hands into fists to hide the blueness from tips to knuckles.
Natalie is the first to reach her, genuine end-of-world-fear etched on her face. "Where the fuck have you been?! Why did you leave without telling any of us? What happened?" She grabs her by the elbows and incidentally forces her to reveal her hands. Expression worsens and she cusps her fingers with her own much warmer ones. "What is this? Are you okay? What the fuck have you been doing?"
Tai crowds around her and in the distance, Coach Ben stares onwards. Shauna, without fear, pushes both of them away. She's much stronger now. She feels much better. Natalie pushes forward, but Shauna forces her way to Coach Ben. Tai asks the same genre of questions, and from the screaming match and Shauna's grasping arrival, everyone is staring directly at her. The Yellowjackets spacing the area around the cabin shuffle in- Misty, Mari, Robin and Van. "You can't leave for that long, seriously Shauna! Are you okay?" someone exclaims.
Shauna just can't help it- a big toothy grin reaches her face whilst she sees her baby held perfectly in the corner of Coach Ben's arm. She can't tell whether its her hopefulness or reality, but she swears she sees him smile slightly. Coach Ben looks both relieved at her safety and relieved at the idea of having to hold this child anymore. Shauna swears he hasn't moved. An almost silent, barely audible "thank you" is whispered to him as she reaches for him, bouncing him gently and immediately.
This is the idyllic world she was craving. She is fed - overtly -, her baby might've smiled just now, and he's now moments away from being fed. She can feel it. There is no hope of feeding him anymore, only sureness.
Lottie draws closer, maybe only twenty inches away from Shauna and her son, head bowed. Shauna simply pushes her away with more strength then meant and Lottie's body hits the floor. Shauna has no time for this.
Shauna walks with purpose to the bedroom she was in only this afternoon and slams the door behind her. Sighs and exclaimations fill the main cabin room. Tai rushes to help Lottie up, Misty standing off the side. There is no expression on Lottie's face, but her head is still bowed.
"Jesus..." groans Nat, rubbing temples and dramatically dropping into a chair.
Inside Shauna's safe haven, her son roots towards Shauna's breast - for the first time since his birthday! - and Shauna encourages him, a smile still playing on her face, stroking his head. After even more prolonged groping, her baby's tiny hands digging into her breast and chest, wriggling his legs. More movement for the first time since ever, since the last time Shauna had fun. And finally, he latches. Shauna's heart is soaring.
Finally, the pit in Shauna's stomach loosens. A healthy baby is the one thing Shauna wants in this entire world, and she finally has it. Forget Jackie, forget the weird wilderness cult, forget Jeff back home and her mom packing up her old bedroom decorations, forget the pile of bones and blood hidden under the snow where Crystal's frozen grave used to lay.
She can take care of her baby. Her baby can grow, become a person and she can finally name him, knowing he won't pass, because he has a chance now. "It's you and me kid, you and me against the whole world."