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It was Taph’s and Dusekkars idea to have a calendar. Time had lost its meaning in this realm but a calendar provided some sense of normalcy. A festive tree had appeared in the main cabin one day so they were able to call that Christmas and wait until what would be January first to start this calendar of theirs.
007n7 had spent Christmas alone, even if the others had wanted him to celebrate with them — which they absolutely did not — he wouldn’t have been able to, anyways. Christmas hurt 007n7 horribly, the memories of working a few more hours here and there to buy C00lkidd the best presents he could imagine and seeing the look of elation on his kids face were excruciating. He’d do anything to hear his boy laugh and see him smile as he unwraps his big present one more time.
But it wasn’t December. It was October and 007n7 was freezing under his blanket from where he sat on the floor in his isolated cabin.
Was the fall always this cold? He wonders to himself
It wasn’t just any day in October, though. It was his birthday. 007n7 had died early on into a round and caught a glimpse at the calendar as he dragged himself out of the main cabin to go back to his secluded, isolated, alienated cabin where he couldn’t bother anyone. Instead, he was kept tucked away from the others where they could try to forget he existed in the evenings, his obstinate, noisome presence gone. The only times he prolonged the time they had to see him was when he lingered a bit longer just to get something to eat. He was usually hungry but denied himself the sustenance.
It didn’t matter, each round gave him stamina he could run down all he wanted; fed or starved he’d be able to function still. He just wasn’t sure he felt like he deserved the meal, because food brought people together and was used to celebrate and share with one another. 007n7 was never together in anything and the food just reminded him of how much of an outsider he’d always be.
He’s sure that even if he was simply curled up in the corner and didn’t say a word he’d manage to absolutely kill the mood of the entire cabin. So, he had to be cautious with when he chose to get something; if he annoyed someone in a round it didn’t matter how much the hunger kept him awake, he wouldn’t go in there. Sometimes a kind soul brought him something to eat and left it outside his cabin which was more kindness than 007n7 could ever deserve.
007n7’s thoughts come back to him, what he was originally thinking. It was his birthday and he was alone. 007n7 was on his cabin’s floor, a cabin Builderman had made him so generously, staring into space.
He wasn’t sure how old he was turning. Sure, he knows how old he was when he died; his death wasn’t sudden but thought out and carried out by himself, but before the calendar he had no way of knowing how much time has passed.
There were no warm greetings, no hugs, no birthday wishes, none of it. 007n7 didn’t expect there to be but seeing how the other survivors would so happily celebrate each others birthday and his was so quiet did hurt a bit. The other survivors birthdays were days 007n7 had to be sure to die as quick as possible in each round (should it be the last of the day) and hunker down in his cabin and not even think about leaving. His absence was his present.
007n7 wants to slap himself for his stupidity. He shouldn’t be moping about people not celebrating his birthday when they probably didn’t even know it was today. Nobody had asked him when it was and thus he never told them.
His mind drifts back to C00lkidd. His little boy had made him the sweetest cards each year. A sheet of folded copy paper with a crayon drawing and messy handwriting on the inside. 007n7 kept all of them, of course he did. He wishes he had them here with him now so he could read through them. Words about how he was such a great father, so hardworking, kind, patient, and talented.
If he read them now he’s not sure he’d believe the words, convinced he was falling into an echo chamber and just repeating back what he wanted to hear or anything of the like. Even so, he really wishes he had those cards with him.
The floor was starting to be too cold and too hard on his joints. So, 007n7 stands up and goes to lay in bed when he gets a stupid idea.
He has a lantern next to his bed, he could use it as a makeshift birthday candle. The idea was childish and truly stupid but 007n7 was so desperate for comfort that he didn’t care.
And so, he made an ‘itinerary’ of sorts, as if he had a real birthday celebration. He could pretend he did.
007n7’s idea was to go outside for a short walk, and admire the sky since even though this place was hell, it was beautiful. Then, he’d go onto the docks and admire the water and look at the sky some more, maybe see a shooting star if he’s lucky. The docks which his cabin was built on is where he felt most at peace. And finally, he’d come back inside and sing himself happy birthday, blow out his candle, and go to sleep.
After the novelty fades, 007n7 is left with how pathetic his situation is. Really, it’s his birthday and the only thing he can think to do is look at the sky and the water of all things? God, no wonder the others hated being around him, he was an absolute shell of a human being who was so painfully boring.
No mater, he’d go through his little birthday plan, a mockery of a ‘Celebration’. How much lower could he possibly drop?
Pushing the thoughts away, 007n7 folds his blanket up nicely and opens the door to his cabin, making sure nobody else was out, he slips out through the opening in the door — just large enough for him to fit through, nothing more, nothing less. Periodically, he looks over his shoulder to the main cabin, ensuring not a single soul could see him and become vehement upon seeing him.
It didn’t matter how sad he was, the stars were beautiful in their opulence. 007n7 wishes he were a star, something actually admirable and something to be marveled at. Instead, he found himself truly hideous, it was just another reason for the other survivors to detest him; he was annoying, useless, too loud, idiotic, strange, and unpleasant to look at. A true eyesore.
Those thoughts only serve to make 007n7 sadder. It was his birthday and yet his mind was still so full of self deprecating thoughts. He could never escape the undertow of his misery and his inadequacy.
Glancing over at the main cabin, out of paranoid that somebody was coming out or was watching him, 007n7 suddenly feels horribly anxious for no reason, his mind flooded with ‘What if’s’. He heads back to his cabin, shutting the door firmly before heading out onto the docks.
The water was beautiful in a tempting way, but he suppresses the thought for now. The docks were the only place his mind had a chance at getting even somewhat close to quiet and peaceful.
The rippling surface disrupted his reflection, which was merciful. He didn’t need a reminder of his face on his own birthday; this was meant to be his special day.
The stars were still beautiful as ever, shining dimly in the sky. The sight compared to the quiet ambience of the water was enough to soothe his mind. A wave of exhaustion washed over him, causing him to reach up and rub at his eyes. He might need to go to bed soon. He looks down and finds singular eyelash fell off.
007n7 looks down at the lash, people wished on those, right? He decides to humor himself and makes a wish even though he’s never wished on eyelashes before. Not even on his most hopeless nights where his eyes were red from sobbing — probably because he had bigger concerns to worry about.
“I think I want to never bother anyone ever again” he murmurs to absolutely nobody, rubbing his fingers together and allowing the eyelash to fall. In the water, on the dock, it didn’t matter where.
He sighs and looks down at the water once more. He could easily through himself into the water, let it fill his lungs. With how tired he is, he’s sure there wouldn’t be much a struggle. Who knows, maybe he’d actually die this time instead of his pathetic, failure, of an attempt.
Not tonight, 007n7 decides. He turns away from the water and walks back inside his cabin and opens the door on his lantern.
He takes a moment to get ready, he feels so ridiculous but maybe this would make him feel better.
“Happy birthday to me,” he murmurs, cringing slightly at the whole ordeal. His voice is hoarse which only furthers his disappointment in himself. “Happy birthday to me, happy birthday 007n7 happy birthday to me.” He elongates the first half of his name to fit the melody. 007n7 finishes the ridiculous song, before leaning forward and blowing out the flame in his lantern.
He wishes for peace of mind.
Now, with the only light being from the fireplace in the other room, a few tears run down his face. It was the crushing loneliness of it all. Nobody wished him a happy birthday, nobody wanted to see him and none were willing to deign themselves to talking to him.
He hates that stupid calendar.
He’d never be liked and he sure as hell would never be accepted.
He was so worthless his birthday made no difference. Maybe it would be better if he never existed in the first place. If he was still in the normal world and not this hellscape he might be told that he should be glad he was even alive when so many weren’t and that he should be furious he was going to die before he got to do everything to wanted to do, before he was taken away from everyone and everything he loved. But he wasn’t in the normal world anymore.
This is easily the most worthless he’s ever felt on his birthday. When he had C00lkidd his boy would make sure 007n7 knew how much his son loved him. When he was a teenager his parents would come home early from work and they’d go out to dinner and he’d get a few presents. His college days were a sorer subject.
Coming back after a long day of classes, gently opening the door to his dorm and immediately his boyfriend was on him, gingerly but effectively removing this backpack from the singular arm it was slung over and pulling him into an awfully tight hug.
“Happy Birthday, Seven.” He had said, pulling back slightly, bringing his hands to cup his face and peppering his face all over with kisses — his forehead, his temple, his cheeks, the bridge of his nose — though he avoided his lips purposefully, the closest he got was the corner of his mouth. Tease. “God I’ve been so excited for you to get back.” Noli dipped his head down and kissed his collarbone, resting his head on 007n7’s shoulder. His hands returned to 007n7’s back, holding him close.
007n7 was so sure that if everything beautiful in the world came together and had a resonate it would be the sound of Noli breathing softly against his skin.
For a moment he debated saying something like stupid like ‘Aw, you remembered’ just to get at him but decided against it. He was far too sweet for that, and frankly 007n7 had just wanted to actually kiss him and not tease him — unlike someone .
He did laugh softly though, taking one hand off his back to go to his hair. “You’re so sappy” he murmured in mock complaint, gently bringing his head off his shoulder back up. “C’mere.” He said softly and brought his lips to Noli’s, taking his other hand off their back and also bringing it to his partners hair.
God, Noli was so excessively soft with him. He wasn’t like this with anyone else, not even a modicum as soft with them as he was with 007n7. Instead, he was constantly making jokes and having a sharp tongue. He was soft with him, though and he rejuvenated 007n7 without fail every time.
They separated after a moment and 007n7 had carefully removed his hands from his hair, doing his best to let them just slip out as to not completely dishevel his hair.
“You’re so beautiful, you know that?” Noli had said in a quiet muse, idly playing with the edge of 007n7’s shirt. If there were intentions behind it — sometimes his boyfriend just wanted something to fidget with in his hands — 007n7 wasn’t sure but on the chance there were, he would give permission. Noli’s hand however drops away from his shirt and he gives him a warm smile. “Let’s go open your presents, okay?” Noli had said, slipping an arm around his waist and walking with him the very short distance (really just a few meager steps) to where his gifts were atop a desk.
If 007n7 could just live in his memories every single day, over and over again, he’d choose it in a heartbeat. He just wants to cry now. Everything always hurt so badly there was never any solace for him.
007n7 collapses into bed, his frame didn’t wrack with sobs, but tears did roll down his face as he falls asleep. Tomorrow wouldn’t be his birthday, tomorrow would be a new day, tomorrow would be an ordinary day.