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When you’re alone, it doesn’t matter how many potential resources there are, all of them just feel so pointless. Your mind fortifies itself and distorts everything. Missed calls are clear signs of rejection, your texts going unread means people are sick of you. Eventually, your mind takes it as a sign and you just stop trying, you stop reaching out. Your schedule becomes barren. Nobody wants to see you, nobody bothers to reach out. Sure, you could reach out but you look oh so desperate texting someone multiple times and never receiving a response, letting your side of the messages wrack up with unread balloons of speech that hold your unseen words. Maybe they’re ignored, maybe they have yet to get to you.
For 007n7, the soft light of his phone glowed in his hand. He really should call someone. His most recent message was from months ago, he had stupidly tried to call his parents. Why would they want to talk to their son? Because he was unstable? Lost the child he swore he’d be around for? It was ridiculous. They wouldn’t pick up and 007n7 wouldn’t bother them.
It got to a point his hands shook every time his screen lit up randomly out of fear of a notification from someone trying to talk to him, he’d be far too awkward and filled with shame to talk to them normally.
It seemed he only had one option left and was to die, to finally extinguish his life by his own hands the way it was always intended to happen.
007n7 doesn’t know why he didn’t do it sooner. That was a lie, he knew why. It’s because he kept imagining plans or milestones as such he had to live to see.
Seeing his friend for the first time in months, his birthday, he couldn’t die so close to the holidays, his parents anniversary, Graduating high school, going to college
And then he met Noli and he stopped needing to schedule something for the purpose of survival. He could schedule things for the purpose of wanting to spend time with his beloved. It was something he looked forward to experiencing and making plans also insanely afterwards wasn’t to keep his urges at bay, it was out of love and a need to spend more time with someone.
007n7 would have called it forever in a heartbeat. Noli had helped soothe him to an extent he thought impossible before. He stopped slicing at his skin, desperate to hurt, desperate to pay a penance to someone who wasn’t listening or even watching. He stopped because Noli asked him to. He stoped spending time scrutinizing his face until he didn’t even know what he saw in the mirror anymore because Noli helped him feel more comfortable in his own skin. He really did wonder what he looked like through Noli’s eyes.
But then Noli was gone, and their possibilities haunted 007n7. Noli would always be his favorite Almost. His favorite what could have been.
He stopped needing to schedule things to take care of the child Noli had left him over. He was so tiny and cold 007n7 couldn’t just leave him out there. Unfortunately, the comfort C00lkidd gave him took a while to set in, he felt this gaping loneliness. He told himself it would be the last time he made himself bleed, he deserved it, needed it even after the breakup.
He had tore at his arm, completely lacerated it. His arm had bled all over his shirt but that was the least of his worries at the time. Spots had danced throughout his vision but he didn’t care, he had to hurt to make it up for all his wrongs. For the months following he wasn’t clean but he wasn’t relapsing either, it was too soon to be considered a relapse rather just a continuous occurrence.
I hope this, kid of yours never learns what you fucking threw away and how you walked away from it like I was nothing.
The words rang through his head just as clear as when they were first said. Out of all the goodbyes 007n7 had ever said, Noli’s was the one he couldn’t get out of his head.
C00lkidd had been his light, his little boy, something 007n7 would protect rather than destroy. He kept all of his drawings, every card he made him, every school project with the stapler punctured still on the corners. He had to work a few jobs to give his boy a good life, but it was worth it to see him smile.
C00lkidd was missing now, too. 007n7 had abandoned any hope of being clean, not until his son was found. He didn’t bother cleaning his wounds, either, if he had gotten an infection so be it.
Putting up missing posters, asking his neighbors for help only to see the disgust in their gaze. He knew he was inferior to them, feared, unworthy of their help but he needed it so badly to no avail. The police called C00lkidd dead, he’d been missing too long, they were done searching. The news had made 007n7 collapse to the floor in tears immediately. It didn’t matter that it was an assumption and that his little one might still be alive, he was assumed dead.
It didn’t matter how much he repeated that he was going to be a good father over and over again. He was too busy to see his kid a lot; he probably neglected his child accidentally. Maybe that was why C00lkidd ran away.
Upstairs, C00lkidd’s room remained untouched. Bed still unmade, toys in the same rows, countless books unread — books 007n7 promised to read to him.
And so here was now, sitting on the floor of his gelid kitchen. It was wintertime and it was too cold to bear, 007n7 could see his breath with every exhale. He kept the heat off in a desperate attempt to save some money. He supposed it didn’t matter anymore, he was going to be dead soon.
He had written a letter already, the pen ran runny and messy against the paper, his handwriting was less than perfect as his hands were too cold to hold the pen properly. He apologized to every person he could think he ever did wrong.
His parents, his cousin, aunts and uncles, Elliot, his neighbors, Noli, C00lkidd, whoever found his body
He signed his name and added the date onto it before sealing it and placing it onto the counter.
He summoned a gun on his C00lgui but before pressing into onto his temple, he picked up his phone. His previous anxiety he had over communicating with people seemed to ebb away and was replaced with a strong, frantic urge to get a hold of Noli. It was a strange thing, 007n7 chalked it up to his mind subconsciously fighting and searching for a reason to keep him alive.
He starts with texting.
”Noli, I know you probably don’t want to hear from me but please I’m so lonely.”
No response.
He goes against everything he originally was too fearful to do.
”Noli I know you hate me but please I don’t know if I can be alone right now C00lkidds gone I can’t do this anymore please just help me.”
It occurs to 007n7 then that he is no more the person Noli left now then he was then.
“I’m so sorry for everything I ever did to you just please answer me”
He starts calling him then, frantically, desperately, racking up missed calls to Noli. God, he was so annoying. A few tears slip out from his eyes, previously he had been far too numb to cry but being ignored by the one person he’d only ever loved hurt. He misses holding Noli close to him. He misses being wanted.
” Please just talk to me one last time.”
Nothing.
”You were right, Noli I was a horrible father and I was a horrible partner to you, you deserved so much better and so did C00lkidd.”
Eventually the messages get marked as read. But still no response. Maybe Noli thought he was lying for was just trying to mess with him.
“I love you. I’m sorry.”
Truly, he was sorry. Particularly, he regretted being such a coward. When him and Noli were dating, Noli’s parents knew almost immediately. 007n7 had been far too nervous to tell his own. To make matters worse, he was horribly hypocritical. Couldn’t even tell his own parents then expected Noli to stay and raise a child with him and indirectly let their neighborhood know? He was so, so stupid.
He presses the gun he created into his temple, the metal was cold and unforgiving and it mercilessly dug into his skin. He couldn’t have really expected that he could keep hurting people the way that he did and thought it would never catch up to him.
One click and the safety comes right off.
A second and pain explodes in the side of his skull but the pain is gone as fast as it came.
Beside him, his phone lights up one last time with one last notification. Of course, 007n7 isn’t conscious to see it or read it even, instead he’s simply dead to the world, unable to find a reason to stay.
Noli had stared at his phone, 007n7 was texting him. He wasn’t sure how to feel. Annoyed? Disgusted? Worried? Concerned? Incredulous?
007n7 had hurt him badly, left his body in a rotting state after he pressured him into taking this stupid void star and then all of his affection was diverted away from Noli to some random child he didn’t even know. It didn’t matter that 007n7 had insisted they could have been a family or whatever stupid quixotic dream he harbored. They had plans to live forever in the memories of others, they had plans for greatness and 007n7 couldn’t just fucking wait for any of that.
Sure, if 007n7 had let them finish up their hacking and let them slowly stop then maybe Noli would have been willing to settle down and have a family with 007n7 and help him through every painful memory.
The issue was 007n7 only inflicted painful memories onto his at the time weary mind.
Yet, he’s never moved on.
There was no other person. No trysts, no museum dates, no handholding, no flamboyant girl and no charming man. It was just Noli with his void star and the solitude that came with it.
It’s not like he’d be able to find someone to date anyways. Nobody would want to date someone whose body was literally decomposing.
Except for 007n7. He still looked at Noli like he was the most beautiful person to ever grace the earth.
He forces the thought from his head in favor of sneering down at his phone with disgust. 007n7 was trying to get a reaction out of him. It had been nearly a decade and this was his sick idea of a joke.
He had the nerve to say he loved him.
Noli turns his phone off. 007n7 wouldn’t get the amusement of seeing him respond.
No matter how badly Noli wanted to respond; to scream at him, to say he’s scum, to pour his heart out and say how much he missed him, to blame him for all of his problems. He didn’t respond.
It had been a while since that night. Noli happened to be in their old town — the one where 007n7 and him used to live — as to why he wasn’t sure.
He’d vehemently deny it had anything to do with his ex boyfriend.
What he is sure of is that it’s gelid and awfully cold outside, his breath curling visibly with every exhale he took. Noli didn’t mind, he rather preferred the cold over the nauseating heat the summer brought. Snow covered the ground in a serene blanket, covering the ground and masking sound.
Even so, as he was walking through the streets, reliving his old memories, he passes by a street lamp. There was nothing significant about it, he’s probably passed tens of which were identical. Hell, he’s probably passed this exact one plenty of times.
The issue was there was a missing poster plastered onto it. A red face he associated with disdain stared back at him, smiling.
It was C00lkidd. Below was 007n7’s contact information and Noli felt his heart drop upon seeing the information was very much so real.
His child went missing and Noli had thought he was joking and left him on read.
Maybe this was a part of his whole elaborate scheme. Everything was always mind games with them. He also happened to know 007n7 like he knew nobody else. An elaborate prank like this was very much so something the 007n7 he knew in college would do.
The time they had been playing back and fourth petty jokes on each other and 007n7 had covered their soap in clear nail polish so it wouldn’t lather no matter how hard Noli tried.
Intentional or not, 007n7 knew a thing or two about how to get to him. Noli had long since acknowledged that 007n7 subconsciously knew him too well, that his mind would perfectly map out things he couldn’t even understand why would be bothersome to Noli. The same could be said about Noli and vice versa. It was merely their bond, even if not consciously knowing they were doing something their minds knew how to make the other one tick.
The time he put something else in his food randomly which had Noli spiraling but he tried his best to conceal it and not let his boyfriend know how much he was messing with his head. That had been unintentional, 007n7 didn’t know it would cause that reaction. To him, it had been a relatively small thing but Noli would never tell him why it got to him.
Noli takes one last glance at the address on the missing poster. He still knew their old address by heart, maybe he was making sure it didn’t change, maybe it was to think about what he could have had still.
Honestly, seeing the address hurt a bit more than he’d like to admit, he had used to live there with 007n7. They were together and that’s all that mattered then. That address was the one he had walked away from, the one he could still be living in.
Walking to the address, what he once called home was now merely a house — if you could even call it that.
Everything was seemingly the same.
Noli approached the front door and sighed, partially disappointed in himself for coming back, and knocked on the door. He took a step back and waited.
And nothing happened.
He tried again and the same result came.
If 007n7 really hadn’t changed a thing there was a spare key in the window flower box on the left next to the fake plant; that way you wouldn’t get too much dirt on your hands as the fake plant acted as a barrier and the key was wedged between the side of the box and the plant.
Lo and behold the key was still there, it looked a little different as it had been nearly a decade but Noli picked it up all the same and slid it into the lock on the front door. The lock makes a resonate click and Noli is able to press down on the thumb latch to open the door.
In theory, he could have obviously just used his void star to open the door in less than a second yet he still reached for a key. As for while, maybe it was nostalgia for the domestic feeling he used to have reaching for that key when he forgot his own. Maybe it was to see if the key was still.
Or maybe, it’s because I don’t feel like making a scene with the ostentatious, attention grabbing void star he forces himself to think that’s why as he opens the door.
The smell hits him first, it’s rancid and sickening.
The second thing he registers is how cold it was. Noli could see his breath inside the house just the same he could outside.
“Seven?” He calls out, sounding uncertain. Noli really couldn’t make himself use his full name. He’d always be Seven to him no matter how much time went by.
No response came. And Noli just knew that he was home. 007n7 always hung his keys up on the third knob on their little shelf. Usually, Noli’s keys hung on the second one but it was obviously empty. A photo frame laid atop the shelf, face down and covered in dust on top of it, was a white rectangle — presumably another photo. Noli couldn’t help himself, he picked the photo up and nearly dropped it upon seeing it.
007n7 hadn’t gotten rid of the photo of them when they first went out hacking. The photo was from before they were even dating. Noli tried to act like he felt nothing upon seeing it, even to a silent home he was paranoid.
He picked up the photo not in frame and looked at it to. It was them in their dorm except they were notably closer this time and Noli knew it was from when they got back from their first real date after 007n7 had sheepishly asked him out. For the longest time, that photo had been standing tall so they’d both see it everytime they left or came back home. The photo brought back memories, Noli had said yes when 007n7 asked him out, of course, he had been waiting to either get the courage himself or for 007n7 to ask him. He was worried that 007n7 was just over affectionate and didn’t actually like him. He sets the photo dome as soon as his hand would allow and redirects his focus.
“Sev?” He asks again, louder this time. Mentally, he was beating himself up for not only calling him seven but now also the shortened, even more affectionate nickname he used to call him.
Again, no response. He takes a step forward, no longer just standing right in the entrance hall and walks around the bottom floor. He walks through the living room they used to watch stupid movies in, he walks by the basement, he wanted to avoid going in there if he could, the stairs were annoyingly steep. Eventually, he gets to the kitchen and is stopped dead in his tracks.
007n7 was on the floor and he definitely wasn’t asleep.
Noli crumbles to his knees, noting an envelope on the counter before finding himself beside 007n7 and desperately lets his hands feel for a pulse or anything. He finds nothing and gives himself a moment to just feel.
The fact 007n7 had been serious and Noli had taken it as a joke was something he’d confront later.
For now, though, panic was gripping at him. The logical part of his mind forced him to stand up and grasp the envelope. He opens it with shaking hands and his mind drifts down to the end, looking for a signature and finding it. It hadn’t changed at all from college and Noli had seen 007n7’s signature at the bottom of cards and letters or atop assignments he had asked to compare answers.
The other thing he sees is the date 007n7 write it on. It had been exactly two weeks ago. Fourteen days and nobody had bothered to check up on him. He reads the letter or at least tries to but his eyes kept reading the same sentence over and over again, unable to move down.
To Whoever finds my body, I’m sorry for inconveniencing you his eyes skip down. To C00lkidd, To my parents, To my cousin, my aunt, my uncle, Elliot
Then finally he reads two words that made his heart rate spike.
To Noli
He swallows and looks down again. He decided it wasn’t his place to read the others sections but it would be a disservice to not read his own.
”I’m sorry, I wasn’t a better partner to you, especially near the end of the relationship. I’m sorry I texted and called you so much it was wrong of me to try to get you involved in this again, it was horribly selfish of me. I hope you find someone who’s worth your time, you were always the best hacker I ever knew I should have never made you take the void star you were perfect and talented enough without it. I love you.”
There was more but Noli couldn’t bring himself to read it. Shakily, he places the letter back down on the counter and turns his attention back to 007n7. He had blood crusted on him, his skull fractured, and his body was overall just limb and dull looking and disgustingly lifeless.
He supposed the cold was a silver lining as it slowed the decay process.
“I hope you’re in a better place now.” Noli murmurs, choking back tears. He fishes his phone out from his pocket and goes to call someone that would actually know what they were doing.
If only he knew where 007n7 was now.