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In the months since he joined the sect, it has become -sharply- apparent to Meng Yao that there is a very important secret being kept amongst the brothers of the inner family and several of their closest disciples, fortress staff, and healers.
He's smart enough to not ask too many questions about it, choosing instead to only observe, making a list in his head of things that don't quite add up.
Or, at least, they don't add up to what everyone wants him to believe, which is that Nie-gongzi is second-gender-neutral. The obvious conclusion is that he did not, in fact, take after his mother's bloodline, but that of his father and brother.
The problem is figuring out why he would be making such an effort to hide that.
Or, rather, why Nie-zongzhu and the other members of the sect would be helping him hide it.
After all, he sees almost every day how much Nie Mingjue barks demands and even physically drags his brother to the training fields; would it not be a great deal easier for Nie Huaisang to keep up with his older brother’s wishes if he weren't being handicapped by the medications Meng Yao has also seen him try to hide?
He wonders if the issue is a distorted mirror to his own; his father may have been disgusted to be approached by a bastard, but the fact that he had been a primary had both saved and damned him.
It had kept him from being killed on the spot like some of his apparently numerous half-siblings, and had given him a chance to earn his way in, but his father had also made it clear he wouldn't be allowed to be a threat to the legitimate son's inheritance.
Even if Nie Huaisang is the heir here, he is also a second son. More labyrinthine inner-family politics? Or is it just Huaisang's way of trying to keep from having more of the sect's responsibilities dropped on his back? But the latter still doesn’t explain the involvement of others in the deception…
It's a puzzle. One that makes his head hurt to contemplate too much.
He wishes he had more information, even just some sort of records on all these complex unspoken social laws he'd missed out on growing up outside of the sects. The etiquette he's already been taught and what he's been picking up on the fly do well enough for now, but there is still so much, particularly considering second genders among cultivators, that he has yet to learn.
When he's picked to accompany Nie Huaisang on the trip to the Cloud Recesses -"At least I'm actually the right age this time," Nie Huaisang mutters as he tosses the invitation letter into his bag- he finds an opportunity to observe more closely.
After all, this time, unlike back in the Unclean Realms where they'd been expected to maintain a certain level of distance, he and Huaisang are to share a room at each inn stop.
The first sign of something unusual is at the second inn on their way.
At dinner, Nie Huaisang had been his typical self, dramatically exaggerating his complaints about where they were going to the amusement or exasperation of their fellows.
But once the door to their room is closed and all but one of the lanterns have been extinguished, he seems...
Knowing he's not supposed to be watching his young master so closely, Meng Yao prepares for sleep quickly and lies down in his own bed, quiet and still enough that Nie Huaisang will not notice anything amiss. When the other boy opens a small box taken from his luggage, Meng Yao almost gives himself away with a noise of surprise at the sight of all the little vials and bottles inside.
Huaisang is carrying a considerably larger number of medications than expected, and while he recognizes some of the colorful little pills as hormone suppressants and scent blockers, the rest he can't identify, especially not the liquid ones.
The hair on the back of his neck rises in a shiver of unease.
True, he also has to take more than one suppressant and blocker himself, but nowhere near the number or dosages Nie Huaisang forces himself to ingest.
Something... Something is wrong here.
To be forced to train like a normal neutral or primary while under the effect of that much-!
"Meng Yao?"
He freezes.
But Nie Huaisang isn't looking at him, fiddling with one of the lanterns instead. "Are you awake?"
"I am now," Meng Yao replies, keeping his voice mild and a little rough, as if he'd just started out of a light doze.
Nie Huaisang visibly flinches, hunching down like a scolded child, and Meng Yao has to bite back a feeling of-
-he's not sure what.
"Is there something gongzi needs?" he asks, gentling his tone.
"I might need you to give the gift speech at the arrival ceremony."
That's... an unexpected request.
Nie Huaisang, for a change, has been taking this particular assignment by his brother seriously, so to suddenly change his mind like this...
"May I inquire why?"
Nie Huaisang rolls a shoulder in a shrug that he can tell is an entirely fake attempt to emulate his normal flighty behavior. "I just might need help remembering the words. Besides, the Jin sect's delegation is in line before us. it'll give you a chance to show you're smarter than them."
He involuntarily glances in the direction of the box he now knows contains all those little medication bottles, but is fortunate in that Huaisang is still turned away from him and doesn't see it. "If gongzi so wishes," he says, giving none of his concerns away.
"Thanks."
The lantern gets blown out and Nie Huaisang lies down, and Meng Yao sees for the first time how he huddles into a small blanketed ball with his back pressed against the wall, as if cold or for defense. He knows Nie Huaisang doesn't always sleep like that back in the Unclean Realms... and yet it's clearly a practiced act.
Something is wrong.
It takes him a long time to fall asleep himself.
"Oh, it's following us again."
Meng Yao looks up from the travel report he's been working on to find Nie Huaisang staring into the tree branches overhead. "What is?"
Nie Huaisang fishes a pouch out of his sleeve and scatters a handful of nuts on the table, and a small bird of a mottled array of pink, orange, and red drops out of the tree to stare hungrily at the offered food from the other end.
"I saw it a few times yesterday, but it never got close enough for a good look," he says, pushing a nut closer.
His hand visibly trembles as he does so.
Meng Yao frowns, then glances around at the other disciples. They're paying no mind, focused on their own food and conversations, but he decides it's better not to bring up the subject of Nie Huaisang’s clearly-faltering health until they're alone for the night. "Are you sure it's the same one, then?" he asks instead.
"Has to be. The coloring's unusual enough. I won't be able to tell why it's been going the same way as us until I catch it, though."
"Oi, Meng Yao," one of the other boys cuts in before he can ask another question, and by the time he's finished sorting out the minor issue, both Nie Huaisang and the bird are gone.
Nie Huaisang reappears just a little after nightfall, one of his catch cages in hand and the bird in the cage. As soon as he crosses the threshold into their room, he stumbles slightly, swaying on his feet like a tree in the wind for a moment before regaining his balance long enough to set the cage down on the small night table between their beds and sit himself down on the mattress.
Something is wrong.
"Gongzi," Meng Yao says as he gets up from his own bed. "Are you- do you need me to get you anything? Some strong tea, perhaps?"
"Ah?" Nie Huaisang asks, tilting his head in a manner that reminds Meng Yao of a disoriented puppy, before snapping back to himself and giving an attempt at a flippant laugh that makes the back of Meng Yao’s neck prickle. "Oh. no, no... no need for that. I'm fine."
That might be the worst, most obvious lie Meng Yao has ever heard his young master tell.
"Then at least let me help you get ready for bed," he presses. "You look-" like death "-exhausted."
Nie Huaisang flinches and looks away. His hands are shaking again. "That... that won't be necessary either. I'm fine."
"Gongzi-"
"Just... you'll still help me with the speech tomorrow, right?"
Meng Yao presses his mouth into a thin line, eyebrows furrowing as he tries to figure out what bizarre game Nie Huaisang is playing. Why... Why is that the only thing he-?
"Of course I will," he finally says.
Nie Huaisang gives a short nod, then just... stays as he is, silently watching the bird as it fluffs and preens.
Taking the hint -or at least what he thinks the hint is- Meng Yao finishes his own evening ritual and lies down.
Once again, he feigns sleep and he watches Nie Huaisang force down what seems like entirely too much medication.
And this time, when the other boy removes his outer robes, he sees the collar of wound-together suppression charms that hadn't been there the day before.
To a casual observer, Nie Huaisang is back to his usual self once more as they arrive at the Cloud Recesses and begin meeting the students of the other sects.
Meng Yao is not a casual observer.
The suppression collar is still around Huaisang's neck, mostly hidden by his robes. He's a little too pale, the usual brightness of his eyes and his grin a little dimmed, a his cheer little forced.
Something is wrong.
They line up, and he watches as Huaisang introduces the captured bird -already growing healthier on the fruit and nuts Huaisang provides it- to the heir and head disciple of the Jiang sect. They go quiet when Grandmaster Lan arrives, and the welcoming ceremony is about to start when-
"Meng Yao."
The urgent whisper is so soft and unsteady that he almost misses it.
"Gongzi?"
"Do you remember what I asked you?"
The speech, yes. He still doesn’t know why Nie Huaisang is so insistent about it, but-
Before he can answer in the affirmative, he notices the Jiang head disciple turn his head just a little in Nie Huaisang's direction and immediately go wide-eyed in alarm.
His own worry spiking, he reaches out-
-and catches Nie Huaisang just as the other boy's legs give way.
His face is white as the guest overcoat he's wearing, his eyes are glassy, and there's so much blood streaming from his nose that it's already covered his mouth and is now soaking into the collars of his robes.
"Gongzi!"
The anxious cry that escapes him draws the attention of everyone in the room. For the briefest moment, Lan Qiren looks annoyed by the interruption, then he sees the blood and his expression immediately shifts to concern as he calls for a healer and comes over himself to assist.
Three of their fellow Nie juniors and both of the Jiang sect boys Huaisang just befriended are trying to crowd in to help, but Lan Qiren swats them away like clustering bees to give room for the healer that just rushed in, leaving Meng Yao the only one cradling his young master.
He opens his mouth to try and explain the previous spells he'd seen, but before he can get words out, he notices a strange, sharp scent- more metallic than the blood staining Nie Huaisang’s face and clothes, and with something like soured wine mixed in.
He can tell the healer has immediately noticed it too, and the man's expression turns stony as his gaze flickers around the room at all the gathered students and adults trying to get a good view of what's going on. "Get him out of here," he mutters just loudly enough for Meng Yao and Lan Qiren to hear. "To the infirmary, and quickly."
Something in the way he says it must be a kind of code, because Lan Qiren gives a similarly solemn nod and motions over a stocky, solid-looking woman from among the servants, who picks Nie Huaisang up with ease.
"You," the healer says to Meng Yao. "Contact your sect leader. Tell him to get here on the double."
Startled and somewhat numb, Meng Yao swallows hard and nods.
Then, as if magicked away by the wind, the healer, the woman, and Nie Huaisang are out of the room, leaving everyone murmuring and gossiping about what the hell had just happened.
By the time the students are released to go get settled in their rooms before dinner, Meng Yao thinks he might pass out from the stress headache now pounding in his ears and behind his eyes.
Sending the emergency summons to Nie Mingjue, being embarrassed by Lans -Lans of all people; they had rules about this- repeating the gossip about him for all to hear, the Wen sect's second son hijacking the ceremony in a blatant threat...
But ultimately, the only thing he cares about is whether or not Nie Huaisang’s condition is still as serious as it had looked when he collapsed.
According to the layouts he'd been allowed to study before they’d been sent down to the Recesses, the infirmary should be right around-
Turning a corner, he bumps into a much taller someone, and is mortified when he steps back to see it is the First Jade. "Ah-"
Lan Xichen catches him before he can hurriedly bow. "Hello again,” he says with an amiable smile. “Are you looking for Huaisang?"
"Yes," Meng Yao says, relieved that his accidental rudeness will be ignored.
"I am actually on my way there myself," Lan Xichen says, and despite his placid demeanor, Meng Yao can see a slight wrinkle form between his eyebrows that betrays his concern. "For him to have gotten this sick without anyone noticing-"
"I did," Meng Yao blurts out before his brain can catch up to his mouth. When Lan Xichen looks at him in surprise, he quickly explains. "He's been listless, wobbly, not himself. But he hid it around the other disciples, and every time I tried to ask him about it, he insisted he was fine. And I've been working in the Unclean Realms long enough to know that if he's pretending to be fine, it's really serious-"
"You’re right about his behavior… That isn't good at all," Lan Xichen interrupts in a soft murmur, his expression turning outright worried as he looks down the hall that -according to the layout- would be the one for the infirmary. "Well, come on, then. Hopefully between the two of us, we'll have a complete observation report for Mingjue-xiong to go along with Shufu’s.”
To their surprise, when they arrive, Nie Huaisang isn't in one of the beds in the main room of the infirmary. Instead, one of the healers points them to a closed-off room to the side, but then immediately tells them they won't be allowed in.
"No one but Medic Ruzheng may enter until Nie-zongzhu arrives," she says bluntly when Meng Yao tries to press the issue.
He doesn't miss the look of consternation that crosses Lan Xichen's face at the name, and resolves to ask him about it before Nie Mingjue arrives.
"Can you at least give us an update on his condition?" he asks in entirely genuine, earnest worry. "Will he be alright?"
The nurse glances in the direction of the door, which is as clear a sign of "probably not" as if she'd outright said the words.
Meng Yao feels sick to his stomach.
If only he'd forced Nie Huaisang to see a healer on their way south, or had kept him from going out tracking alone, or-
The nurse clears her throat. "Nie-gongzi is currently as stable as he can be with... the problems he is suffering from. But that is all I can give you."
"I see... May I wait here for my sect leader, then?"
She waves him over to one of the benches, and he nearly collapses onto the painted wood to get off unsteady legs.
"I am going to go check in with Shufu again... perhaps he has been given an update. Would you like me to bring you something to eat when I come back?" Lan Xichen offers kindly.
"I don't think my stomach can handle anything solid, not even-" too stressed to mind himself, he almost slips and says 'food as bland as yours supposedly is,' but catches the words at the last moment.
Lan Xichen, having clearly deduced where his thought had gone, thankfully looks amused instead of insulted. "Some tea, then. It will be better than worrying on a completely empty stomach."
Meng Yao nods. "Thank you."
When the door shuts behind Lan Xichen's departure, the silence in the room becomes almost smothering, the only sound that of the nurse's brush on paper as she writes down notes.
Meng Yao exhales slowly, then rests his head in his hands. He hopes Nie Mingjue will arrive soon.
He also hopes it won't be his own neck on the chopping block for having not managed Nie Huaisang's condition better.
Most of all, he hopes that Nie Huaisang will be okay, and that scares him a little bit more than the other two, for some reason.
Lan Xichen returns shortly before dinner, a talisman-wrapped container for keeping tea warm during travel in hand. "My apologies for taking so long," he says as he offers it. "With today having been a rather... unusual series of events, Shufu requested assistance rearranging some matters."
"I understand. Thank you," Meng Yao replies with a half bow as he accepts, then carefully wrenches out the stopper and takes a sip. The flavor of it is much more neutral and weak than he's grown to favor living in Qinghe, but it's still good, and the warmth helps to settle his stomach a bit.
"Are you not going to dinner?" he asks when Lan Xichen sits down beside him.
"It is more important to see that guests are taken care of in a time of emergency than it is to adhere to one's normal schedule. Once Mingjue-xiong gets here and this is sorted out, I will eat with the lot of you."
That makes sense.
They sit quietly, Meng Yao occasionally sipping at the tea, as they watch a man in the garb of the medical staff bustle out of the room Nie Huaisang has been sequestered in and vanish into what looks to be a supply room, then return to the sickroom and lock the door behind him.
"That would be Medic Ruzheng, I presume."
"Yes."
Meng Yao takes another sip of tea, watching Lan Xichen sidelong out of the corner of his eye, then decides to simply get the question on his mind out of the way. "Earlier, when we were told he would be caring for Hu- Nie-gongzi, you seemed surprised."
"Ah-" Lan Xichen looks embarrassed at having been caught with such a reaction. "Well, it is a little strange. Being an ancillary himself, he's normally only called in to handle others of his second-gender. A safety precaution for all sides. With Huaisang being neutral, there's less of a possibility of anything getting violent, but-"
Meng Yao goes still, mentally blanking on what else Lan Xichen is saying as, just like that, all of the oddities he'd been observing, especially in the past few days, click into place to solve the puzzle.
The medications, the collar, the rules about how close people could get…
He’d been right that everyone is trying to hide Nie Huaisang's second gender.
He'd been wrong about which one it is.
The acrid metal and alcohol smell suddenly makes perfect sense, as does the reaction the healer had in the main hall. He'd never personally been around an ancillary in severe medical distress since the brothel his mother worked in exclusively accepted neutrals, but setting off that kind of scent bomb in a room packed to the rafters with primaries and neutrals couldn't possibly have ended well had it not been handled immediately.
This... this is going to take a lot of mental recalibration on his part. A re-evaluation of everything he thought he knew about this whole situation. A recontextualization of their relationship.
Or... perhaps not so much on the last one.
While he certainly understands better why Nie Huaisang's health has been so precarious, does it really change that much between them?
Maybe... or maybe not.
He will think about it more when he's no longer reeling from the revelation.
Just after nightfall, Nie Mingjue sweeps in like the roll of a storm, his face a thundercloud to match.
For a brief moment, Meng Yao feels almost dizzy with fear when green eyes that are practically glowing land on him, until he realizes that expression is worry, not anger.
He lets out the breath that had frozen in his chest, then gets up and bows deeply, straightening as the medic and the nurse who'd spoken with him and Lan Xichen earlier emerge from the room where Huaisang is being kept.
"How bad is it?" Nie Mingjue asks the medic, tilting his head in just enough acknowledgement to Lan Qiren and Lan Xichen as to not be rude, the pair having returned from their other evening duties.
"He is currently stable," Medic Ruzheng replies. "But his meridians are in extremely poor condition, even with our attempts to smooth out the worst of the fraying with qi manipulation, and his heart is struggling to recover from the strain it's been through."
The man's tone is... blunt, to say the least; almost angry.
But if Nie Huaisang is, like Meng Yao now suspects, a fellow ancillary, and the suppressants are indeed responsible for the way his health suddenly went into freefall, Meng Yao can understand.
And Nie Mingjue seems to understand as well. His sect leader takes a deep breath, then rubs between his eyes as he lets it out.
"Can we take this discussion inside?" he asks, tone surprisingly conciliatory, even verging on pleading.
The medic looks past him to Lan Qiren, who nods, then he moves aside to hold the door open.
Meng Yao blinks in surprise when Nie Mingjue motions for him to join those entering Nie Huaisang's room, but quickly obeys.
Nie Huaisang lies on the bed, the sheets and blankets folded down to his waist and his upper body bare. There are bandages wrapped around his torso all the way down past the covers, along with his neck and wrists, that are covered in writing and tiny arrays done in quickhand, none of which Meng Yao recognizes. There is a cloth mask over his mouth and nose with arrays Meng Yao does know, designed to help keep his airway clear without having to use a tube.
He is still so, so pale and it makes the dark circles under his eyes look almost like bruises. The metal and alcohol scent is still present, but to a much lesser degree. It's been partially supplanted with an ash and spice scent that could be incense, or could be his actual scent without the distress overlaying it.
There are chairs on either side of the bed, and Nie Mingjue sinks into one, taking hold of his brother's hand once the medic gives him the okay. The motion momentarily draws Meng Yao's eye to the bedside table, where he notices Huaisang's catch cage is sitting empty.
'He'll be disappointed,' flits across his mind before he mentally shakes himself back to paying attention to more important matters.
No one seems to mind when Meng Yao takes the other chair, so he sits quietly and listens as Medic Ruzheng further details Nie Huaisang's condition and Nie Mingjue's expression grows more and more desolate and the other Lans struggle to hide their increasing unease.
"Mingjue-xiong, why would you keep him on so many suppressants for so long?" Lan Xichen finally says, despite his uncle's disapproving look for the outburst.
"It wasn't originally my call," Nie Mingjue says, face half-buried in his hands. "it was Fuqin's. And I know what you're thinking," he adds, looking directly at the medic, "But at the time, the only thing on Fuqin's mind was Sang-er's safety. Nobody knew Huaisang was ancillary when he was born, and I mean nobody. By all examination, he was a completely neutral boy until he presented."
It takes a moment for the implications of Nie Mingjue's words to sink in, and then there is a soft collective inhale of horror.
For a neutral boy to become ancillary-
Nevermind the extensive hormonal changes, the physical mutations necessary would have been-
"How?" the nurse whose name Meng Yao still doesn't know asks. "There's never been-"
"There has," Lan Qiren says. His face is positively grey, but his voice is steady. "But only twice before in all the inter-sect records I've ever seen. If it ever happened more than that, it was kept a secret... as you've been attempting to do."
"The rarity was what scared us," Nie Mingjue admits. "If you've read all those records, you know better than anyone that some primaries will take too much interest in an oddity like him. Huaisang was so little and his body was so wrecked, there was no way he would have been able to defend himself if one did."
Meng Yao feels a little shiver go up his spine and involuntarily squeezes Nie Huaisang's hand.
For his father to have still been alive and lucid enough to weigh the decision, he would have had to have only been eight at the most.
He remembers how frightened his own mother had been when he'd presented two years early at twelve, and that had mainly been because she'd been afraid the brothel owner would perceive him as a threat and have him thrown out.
To not only see their own son and brother's body practically tear itself apart and rearrange itself at eight, but realize he was now vulnerable to primaries with less than noble intentions...
Well, he still doesn't like the results of Nie Haoran's decision and Nie Mingjue's continued enforcement of it, but he understands why it had been made.
Medic Ruzheng seems to feel the same way, his metaphorical hackles lowering. "All the same," he says, the irritation having faded from his voice. "This can’t continue. It's a miracle his heart didn't simply give out this time."
"We were going to take him off the medication once the lectures were over and he was safe at home," Nie Mingjue mumbles behind his hands.
"Does he know that?" Meng Yao asks before he can stop himself.
Even as much as he knows Nie Huaisang despises the classwork, surely his young master would have taken it more seriously if he'd been aware that passing his classes would mean no longer having to constantly force down the pills. He would have had to keep the collars, perhaps, but that would be considerably less damaging.
The look Nie Mingjue gives him is both reassuring and frustrating, because it indicates that no, Nie Huaisang hadn't been told.
He doesn't bother to hold back from letting out a quiet huff and squeezes the unconscious boy's hand a little harder than before.
"So, what will we do with him now?" Lan Xichen asks.
What will they do considering there are now members of the Wen sect in the Cloud Recesses, they all hear.
The ones who stayed may currently be obeying the rules, but aside from Nie Mingjue, they'd all seen Wen Chao's blatant power play, and Nie Mingjue has surely heard about it already.
Lan Qiren tugs at his beard, eyes closed in thought for several seconds. "In his current health, it would be unwise to have him join any of the training classes. He will remain in the infirmary... under quarantine."
It's not a lie, really, which makes the suggestion all the more impressive. Clearly the other Lans in the room think so, especially Lan Xichen, who is visibly biting his tongue to hide a smile.
Nie Mingjue looks relieved, for a moment, then frowns. "And his other lessons?"
"With the schedule being as tight as it is, it would be best to have someone bring him notes from the lectures and go over them with him," Lan Xichen says. "I don't mind doing it on the days I'm free, but I don't know how many of the other students you would be comfortable with coming in, especially since external scent blockers will only do so much."
Nie Mingjue's frown deepens, then he turns his head to look at Meng Yao. "What about you?"
Meng Yao blinks at him. "Me, zongzhu?"
"I don't want to push you out of your original job, but aside from Xichen, you're the person he knows and trusts the most here. Would you be willing to stay and act as his tutor?"
It would be a lie to say that the offer doesn't feel a little bit like a step down compared to practically running the Unclean Realms with the approval of his sect leader.
On the other hand, he is practically being gifted a position as a student, even if it isn't being called that. The sheer amount of knowledge he could glean might even make up for the wasted years studying con artist-made fake manuals. Moreover, he would persistently be at Huaisang's side as he recovered into his new state of normal, and would likely be called upon to assist with his care.
Perhaps it would give him the context he needed for that relationship re-evaluation.
After all, it wasn't as though he'd been immune to Huaisang's cheerful affection, charm, and generosity before; the difference is that he now has a greater understanding of the situation and the needs that must be met. On top of that, there would be less social resistance if they were to pursue something in the future, and even if they didn't, there was the chance to understand each other more fully.
He has a great deal to consider and several months ahead to consider it while he looks after his young master and, in the meantime, he could take advantage of the education in cultivation he'd otherwise been denied for so long.
Meng Yao stands and bows. "I am willing, Zongzhu."