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Summary
After reading the draft of Deathly Hallows in 2007, Ron Weasley gives his creator a phone call.
Please note the satire tag and this work contains religious references.
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Bookmark Notes:
“Right so, I wanted to talk to you about my role in the final book. I mean it just feels a bit out of character for me, I had this issue in Goblet of Fire if you remember. It doesn’t really make a huge amount of narrative sense for me to be willing to lay down my life one month and then be all petty the next month.” Mumbling on the end of the line.
“Uh huh, uh huh yeah no I get it - St Peter the doubter to Harry’s Jesus, Lancelot to King Arthur yeah…” “Yeah I get that he’s the most important saint, I get that Lancelot’s the most famous knight of all time but I feel like a bunch of teenage girls are not going to follow those allusions and are just going to focus on the bad bits. Like are they going to get it’s an homage to Christianity and British literary tradition, rather than saying anything about my actual character?” Mumbling on the line.
“Right but I just feel like Hermione, who is Hermes the messenger for the gods - aka you, is not really conveying that in the return scene.” “Yeah no I mean I get the whole Jesus thing but I mean you keep flip-flopping between whether or not Harry is a regular dude and I just think that people are going to think I’m a dick and Hermione is a saint rather than it representing a homage to British history and culture.” Mumbling on the line.
“No I know I know the deluminator is the Phial of Galadriel…Samwise Gamgee yeah yeah.” Mumbling on the line.
“Well, like in Half-Blood Prince, those Othello references with the birds, you promised that would come off as me being the authentic one, the one without pretense, the one who wears his heart on his sleeves but I don’t think that’s what it it ended up coming off as…And you never followed up on the chess stuff like you promised.” More mumbling on the line.
“Yeah I mean I get that you said it was obviously me and Hermione but then you said that stuff about me having to be worthy of her by dating someone else? I mean what the hell was that about?” “What do you mean you don’t remember? God you do this a lot you know…” Mumbling on the line
“Yeah, yeah, yeah but being the good character that embodies the true human spirit including human frailty doesn’t seem like it’s going to endear me to anybody though…”cMumbling on the line.
“No I know the British love an underdog and hate a hero but is that going to translate to the other markets?” Mumbling on the line.
“No I know there are much more obviously evil characters but I feel like people will not want to relate to the complexity of genuine human emotions like jealousy and doubt rather than engaging with characters who are just outright nasty.” Mumbling on the line.
“Uh huh yeah no I know they’re going to have make quite a leap, yeah no I get it. I’m just worried they won’t.” “Yes I know the locket is a typical story device in everything from the snake in the Garden of Eden to Scar in the Lion King but I feel like if you don’t explain it, have anything from my point of view…” Mumbling on the line.
“No I know you named her Ginevra and made her possessed to make it blatantly obvious she is Guinevere/ Mary Magdalen but …” Mumbling on the line
“Yes and bringing Harry back from the dead and making his love save us all and be all forgiving, yes no I understand but I just - I just don’t think a bunch of teens are going to think that deeply about it and it’s not like you talk about it in your interviews, in fact you try pretty unconvincingly to debunk it…” Mumbling on the line.
“Yeah I know they got all pre-occupied with Twilight in the Christianity debate and that’s not your fault but I just think these references to the role of alchemy in British literature and Christianity and Shakespeare and King Arthur are going over people’s heads.” Mumbling on the line
“No I understand too much high-minded stuff risks alienating a mainstream fan base but then how do you expect people to…” Mumbling on the line.
“Right no I mean of course the money… Uh huh yeah cash cow, milked for all it’s worth. No I understand I just feel like you’re contradicting yourself…” Mumbling on the line.
“No I mean I still think the kids are going to hang me out to dry for these homages which are not really consistent with my characterisation in other parts but I suppose you know best…although I mean you do say you don’t re-read your own books so there are some wild story inconsistencies - what was with promising me and Hermione would go to the Dursleys and then not delivering…" Mumbling on the line.
“No I suppose not my place… Uh huh no it’s not like you’re going to throw me under the bus in later interviews just to fit in with the cultural zeitgeist at the time right? ... Right?” Line goes dead.
Notes: Draco etc fans often remind me of David in the Vicar of Dibley when he is cast as Herod in the Christmas story and insists on trying to bring out his nicer side… “I said kiss the babies, not kill the babies…”