The Look-Alike Lift

by meowgnus_c

Summary:

Prunella chose The Ersatz Elevator (A Series of Unfortunate Events) for one of her books.

Notes:

taking a break from my other fanfic for a bit! I hope this staves you guys off for a while.

Chapter 1

Today was a little different. Grandpa was in town doing... old-man things, probably stalking Diane's baking techniques to beat them, and he had told Chase and Deacon that he wouldn't be home until mid-afternoon. 

The boys had done their chores and picked up Prunella from across the street. Chase was internally worried about Prunella's book, since it was her turn to pick today. The last time she'd picked, they'd joined an animal war. Chase had to launch himself onto a roof with a catapult because the griffin guy hadn't grabbed him, half of his prophecy. 

Chase didn't really want to do anything that again, especially considering the fact he had almost gotten shot several times. 

Prunella set her Lady Lovalorn backpack on one of the stools around the kitchen island and got herself a second breakfast, as per usual. 

Bronze was ragebaiting Deacon somewhere upstairs. Chase could hear Deacon progressively getting more and more exasperated. Casual Tuesday, you know? Eventually, Deacon came downstairs with the Keys and set them all on the island. 

"So, Prunella," Deacon asked, getting the peanut butter from the cabinet for Bronze, "What book do you want to do today?"

"Mm..." Prunella mumbled around her spoon as she rummaged through her backpack and pulled out a book with a girl in a purple dress that seemed to be climbing down an elevator shaft, of sorts. Was she using ties? Whatever; Chase didn't care, so long as he didn't have her role. "Me an' Dad found the show, so we got the books before we watched to judge the accuracy."

The title read A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Ersatz Elevator. Chase could imagine that it would be pleasant. What did 'ersatz' mean, anyway?

...

They started off in a car. They all were dressed similarly, minus Prunella, who was in a black skirt with knee-high socks of the same color, plus Mary Jane shoes. Chase and Deacon were dressed almost identically, except Chase's school jacket (whatever it was called) was unbuttoned. There was a pink ribbon around his wrist, too, and Deacon had a yellow one on the opposite wrist. 

Both boys looked confused, but said nothing and instead flinched when the guy in the driver's seat started coughing up a lung. Prunella crossed her arms over her chest. 

"Now, Baudelaires, I know you must be a little nervous," he said, "I was a little nervous myself trying to find you a new guardian.. given your previous track record, but never fear! This is a very fashionable block. Much more fashionable than where you once lived with your parents, even though it's a few blocks away." 

"Why would we care about that?" Deacon asked Chase quietly.

"Money? I dunno, man. You're the one who found the summary online."

Deacon sighed. "Fair enough. The Baudelaires - us - have been orphaned a little less than a year prior to now. Our parents perished in a fire that burned down their mansion. The man driving us, Mr. Poe, is the one in charge of our placement and our fortune. He placed us in the care of the wrong person, Count Olaf, who is now searching for us to get his hands on our money."

"He tried marrying Violet in the first book," Prunella chimed in, deciding to take over. "When that failed, Mr. Poe sent them to their actual guardian's place, a snake-guy named Montgomery Montgomery, and Olaf found them and killed the snake-guy. It repeats like that for most of the books, until the one before this where we were sent to a boarding school instead. We met two triplets there who got kidnapped by the Olaf guy so he could get more money."

Chase sighed. "Great, so we have to stay alive and struggle doing that while also trying to find those kids?" he asked, fixing his hair. He wondered absently what roll Buddy'd have in this. Probably a random woman that did something previously in other books. 

"Pretty much, yeah," Prunella replied. 

Chapter 2

Notes:

i use the script from the show, so i'm sorry if this isn't book accurate i swear i've read the books but i don't own them

this starts with a lot of dialogue and it's pissing me off i'm sorry for the readers who don't like talking parts

"Don't we talk about them?" Deacon asked, "The triplets, I mean?"

"Yes, the Quagmire twins," Mr. Poe hummed.

"Triplets," Prunella corrected gruffly. 

"Isn't there only two of them?" Chase asked, picking at his teeth for a moment. 

"Their brother, Quigley, died in a fire," Deacon replied as he checked the notes on his phone. "They're still triplets, Chase.

"Then there's no need to worry about him," Mr. Poe said. "As for Dennis and Iphigenia-"

"Duncan and Isadora," Deacon sighed. 

A police car started to pass by, its siren wailing and the lights flashing. It was probably unnecessary, or at least ironic. It looked like it was from the 1960s. 

"Do you know what that is, Baudelaires?" Mr. Poe asked, sounding almost smug. 

Everyone in the backseat looked at each other. Prunella answered, "A cop car."

"A citywide manhunt to apprehend Olaf and rescue your friends!" Mr. Poe got out of the car. 

Everyone else got out after a moment. The street was dark, and Chase had to squint hard to make anything out. Trees were everywhere, even in the sidewalk concrete. "Yeesh," he muttered, grabbing Prunella's hand to make sure she didn't wander off. "Do emos and Goths live on this street or what?"

In a window nearby, Chase caught his reflection. He was the girl on the cover of the book. She was dressed the same, but with the skirt and long socks that Prunella had.

Prunella was some pre-teen boy with slight curls and glasses dressed in Chase and Deacon's outfit.

Deacon was a toddler, it seemed, dressed in the uniform with the skirt and socks. Chase almost laughed. But it wasn't all that funny, he kept telling himself. 

Mr. Poe led them to some big apartment building on 667 Dark Avenue, talking about a bank and bringing Olaf to justice. Chase wanted to make a joke about it (the street), but figured Deacon or Prunella would shove him into oncoming traffic if he did. 

"Look at the wanted posters we had pasted up all over town," Mr. Poe chirped. You could barely see them with all the trees blocking the light.

Prunella voiced that. Mr. Poe said something about a good likeness of a very bad person. 

"Furthermore, once I have dropped you off at this apartment, where old friends of your parents have promised to be your new guardians, I'm taking a lengthy helicopter ride to search for the Quagmires using the binoculars my wife gave to me as an anniversary present!" Poe admitted needlessly. He started looking around for the numbers 667, saying they were somewhere on the block. He then ran into a pole and gave himself a bloody nose. "Found the building. It's right next to this lamppost I just ran into."

"Should... we check on him?" Deacon asked, fidgeting with the yellow ribbon around his wrist. 

"Nah, he's fine," Prunella said, following the banker to the apartment. 

Chapter 3

Notes:

I don't have my computer so I can't watch the show as I'm typing this so 💔🥀
I'm sorry if the dialogue isn't right
*edited this chapter*

Inside the lobby, it was scarcely lit. There were wanted posters of Count Olaf on the inside. The guy at the front desk shone a flashlight at them.

"Names?" the lobby-man asked. 

"Uh... I'm Violet Baudelaire and these are my siblings, Klaus and Sunny," Chase replied, "I guess." He muttered the last bit. 

"Oh yes, you're expected. But who is that behind you with the nosebleed? This is a restricted area."

"Don't mind me," Mr. Poe replied, showing his credentials, "I'm just dropping off the Baudelaires, and then I'm off to find a clinic and/or a bag of frozen peas before I miss my helicopter."

"I'm sorry, sir, no unauthorized parties allowed; there's a citywide manhunt going on."

"Well, in that case, goodbye, Baudelaires. If you need to contact me, remember I'll be in a helicopter and won't be reachable at any moment at any time!" Mr. Poe said as he left.

"Friend of yours?" the lobby-man asked the trio.

"He works in a bank," Prunella huffed.

"I know the type," the man said, shutting off his flashlight. "In fact, you'll be staying with the city's sixth most important financial adviser and their spouse, Mr. and Mrs. Squalor live in the penthouse, which is a word that means 'the very top floor of 667 Dark Avenue', the most fashionable building in town and the most secure. Rest assured, Count Olaf won't be able to get in or out of this building." As he finished up, the lobby-man turned his flashlight back on and shone it on a wanted poster of a man balding at 48 with a unibrow and unsightly teeth.

"Sorry about the lighting," the man continued, "Dark is in."

"What's it in?" Deacon asked Chase quietly. 

"Just in," the man answered. "You can take these stairs to the penthouse." 

They all, minus the lobby-man, looked at the elevators on this floor, seeing the 'out' signs posted on them.

Chase looked at Deacon, then at Prunella. They were already looking at him. "You offer to fix them," Prunella whispered, squeezing Chase's hand. "Violet's an inventor and kind of a mechanic."

"Oh... 'kay. Are the elevators out of order? I can uh... I can take a look at them if you want?" Chase offered. 

"That's a very kind and unusual offer, but elevators are not out of order. They're just out," Lobby-Man hummed. "I'll phone the penthouse and tell them to expect you within the hour."

...

They climbed the stairs for what felt like hours.

"Not even fairytales love leg-day this much," Chase grumbled as they finally reached the top. On every other floor, besides the main, there had only been one elevator shaft. Maybe one of them went directly to the main floor?

Prunella went to go ring the doorbell of the suite. Before she could, a man with a tiny mustache in a pinstripe suit opened the door. He pulled off the look, oddly. Is that Tony Hale?

"You must be the Baudelaires!" the man greeted cheerfully, stepping aside to let the three of them in. "Welcome! The door's always unlocked!"

He stepped out to shake their hands. "My name is Jerome Squalor and I am so happy you've come to stay with us!"

"He's awfully chipper," Prunella noted, crossing her arms.

"Oh, goodness, you three must be out of breath from that long climb," Mr. Squalor said. "Well, luckily I can think of two things to do about that. One, you can stop calling me Mr. Squalor and start calling me Jerome, and number two, I am going to make you a nice, cold martini! Come this way!" He lead the trio inside. 

Holy rich person, Chase thought as he entered the penthouse.

"Martinis?" Chase asked Deacon softly. 

"Those are alcoholic," Deacon said. He took Prunella's hand to keep her from wandering off around the apartment and/or getting one of the drinks. 

"Well, yes, usually!" Jerome laughed. "But alcoholic martinis are out and aqueous martinis are in."

"The heck's an aqueous martini?" Chase asked one of them, though he wasn't sure which one he was talking to anymore.

"Eh, an aqueous martini's just cold water in a fancy glass with an olive in it," Jerome said as he made their drinks.

"I'm sure you three are adventurous, just like your parents. I remember when we all went up to Mount Fraught and did high-impact bird-watching! How many years ago was that?" Jerome wondered. "Though I've never met any of your previous guardians. I do remember your parents being fond of all of them, however.

"I also remember one of the eagles flying off with my best pair of binoculars that day! Eugh, I was not happy." He handed all of them the olived water. Prunella held the glass by the rim. "And then, soon after that, I lost touch with your parents. But you know how it is; you get older, you find different interests, you marry a woman who despises all of your old friends!" Jerome chuckled a bit. "But! There's no need to discuss such unpleasantness. I wanted to adopt you from the moment I heard about the fire. Unfortunately, it was impossible."

"There ain't no way this guy lives alone," Chase said, looking around instead of paying attention to plot-relevant discussions. The first room was bigger than the first floor of the Hollow farmhouse. How big was the rest of the apartment, then?

They heard the loud click of heels and a door opening. At the top of the stairs near the right side of the room, Buddy stood in his own pinstripe suit, the top few buttons naturally undone. Violet (the Key) had done something to his hair again today, making it a little longer and more 1920s-champagne-curl-ish, but she kept it black. He kinda looked like Clara Bow, in a way. 

"Orphans were out, then," Buddy called from up on the landing. He came down the stairs (miraculously without falling down them) and moved to stand by Jerome. The guy didn't need stilettos. In them, Buddy was taller than Deacon by several inches. "But now they're in."

Notes:

do I write Esmé's greeting or what 😿

Chapter 4

Notes:

I'll edit this so Buddy's role has accents later.

also i'm sorry if Buddy's out-of-character; I don't write antagonists often but his switch-up in the series is helping a little bit

+ wee headcanon cameos (what are they called)

i wrote this while i was sick, so i'm sorry if it's absolute dookie

"Good evening," Buddy hummed. He seemed in an awfully good mood today, surprisingly. Maybe the book got better later on?

"Well, it's mid-morning, my precious," Jerome mumbled, though fondly, as he began making another drink, likely for Buddy.

"Whatever, darling," Buddy replied, waving his hand. "I didn't expect you three - well, besides maybe Prunella - to be interested in novels like these."

"It was Prunella's choice," Chase informed, putting his hands in his front pockets. He tried not to stare too too much at Buddy's exposed clavicle.

"Eh," Buddy said with a shrug. "I'm Esmé Gigi Genivieve Squalor, a financial adviser for the city. Do any of you know the plot of this book?"

"Me an' my dad are reading it," Prunella informed, handing Chase her olive. 

"Oh," Buddy replied as Jerome handed him an aqueous martini. "Well done, I suppose. Then I take it that neither of you have?" He said this while looking at Chase and Deacon.

"I read the first three books in middle school," Deacon mumbled. "It got too absurd for me to continue past The Wide Window."

"I remember Deacon talking about it during a study-hall we had together," Chase replied.

"That's not 'read', Chase," Buddy sighed, taking a sip of his drink. "Who decided green olives would be a good decoration in water?"

"You did, Esmé," Jerome replied. 

"Hm. So only one of you read this?"

"We have notes; it's fine," Deacon sighed. "And Prunella knows this book fine."

"Sure. Well, anyway, I'd at least hope you know who the antagonist is?"

Chase looked between Deacon and Prunella, waiting for one of them to reply. 

"Gunther," Prunella said eventually. "Count Olaf in disguise."

"Yes," Buddy said. "He's in the living room now, hiding behind a curtain. I'm supposed to be bragging about 'having three real live orphans', but I can imagine you all are fine if I don't. They'll be sick with jealousy! Allegedly. Won't they Jerome?"

"I don't know, darling," Jerome said, "I don't like to hear that anyone's sick."

"You'll have such a glamorous life with me that your kidnapped friends' eyes will roll back in their heads," Buddy said as he drank the aqueous martini, though he got rid of the olive on a toothpick in it. He'd set it back on the tray on Jerome's fold-up table that he made the drinks on.

"I'm sure," Chase exhaled, finding a bit of tin in his pocket and deciding to fidget with it. Where the tin came from, he didn't know. It didn't feel rusty, though, so no tetanus on a cut finger!

"You're supposed to be exposed to the innest restaurants, boutiques, premiers, cockfights, gallery openings, et cetera, at least while you live with Esmé and Jerome."

"What fights?" Chase asked. Deacon elbowed him in the ribs, hard. 

"What my wife means," Jerome laughed, "is that we hope you'll feel safe and secure."

"Jerome, don't tell them silly things like that," Buddy said, sounding a little strained as he swallowed.

"Okay." 

"Here are some things to know," Buddy stated, "Dark is in, light is out. Stairs are in, elevators are out. Pinstripe suits are..." He trailed off, waiting for one of them to speak up. 

"...In," Jerome whispered. 

"In?" Chase repeated.

"In," Buddy said.

"Yes," Jerome exhaled. 

"And those horrible clothes you're wearing are out."

"What my wife means is we hope you'll feel comfortable while you're here!" Jerome laughed awkwardly. "I just feel awful about all the terrible experiences you've had, and to think this entire time we could've been taking care of you and-" 

"Jerome, it couldn't be helped," Buddy sighed, playing with one of the rings on his fingers absently. He'd set his martini glass down on the table. "When something's out, it's out. And orphans used to be out."

"Well, thank God you're interested in orphans now," Prunella scoffed.