Chapter Text
1.Ellie
Ironically, Joel was the first person to explain what a soulmate was to me.
The guy was by far one of the deadliest humans I've ever met. Moulded by endless years of fighting and surviving. Joel Miller was a force to be reckoned with. So obviously hearing him talk about soulmates of all things as a reality, was utterly ridiculous.
I, of course, did not believe him, at least not at the start.
I still remember to this day how that conversation went. One night on our travels to Wyoming, Joel had let it slip. Huddled in the woods, eating cans of cold peaches for dinner, Joel grew irritated at the birthmark on his shoulder.
“This stupid mark, I swear, if it moves one more time, I'll burn it off!” He’d growled, rubbing at the birthmark under his sleeve.
I startled up from my own can, lost in thoughts of the last chapter in my newest Starlight Savage, and only caught half of what he said.
“What mark?” I’d asked him.
His obvious confusion at my question made me pause more than usual, my younger self instantly knowing this was a topic to pay attention to.
“My mark? The same mark everyone has. The one on your shoulder, kiddo. “The bond mark,” he’d answered.
“Bond mark?” I parroted at him, highly incredulous. I knew everyone held similar birthmarks, but I never imagined they had a purpose.
My answer convinced Joel of my lack of knowledge on said topic. It was plain as day I had no idea what he was talking about, so he then proceeded to explain it to me.
Basic birthmarks, by appearance, bond marks, or soulmate marks, as they were generally known, were something all people carried on their bodies from birth. Everyone had one. Appearing anywhere on the body, the marks moved after the age of 16. Travelling from skin to skin, like a live snake once someone reached maturity. I remember being very freaked out by this. Joel said it had something to do with the mark searching for its ‘other half.’ I had laughed at him. Eyebrows raised sceptically. Joel had laughed at me, a sound he didn't make often, and had left the explanation there.
But my adolescent curiosity made me ask. sceptically.
“Other half?”
The rarity in a soulmate mark wasn't the fact everyone had one but finding its pair on another. Only one percent of the population ever met their bonded person, or soulmate, and this, he stressed to me, was a statistic before the end of the world. Now it was more a myth. Joel said there was no point in ever imagining I would meet my match. It was such an impossibility.
“It's best not to dwell on a maybe, kid.” He’d huffed.
Stunned by all the new information at the time, I’d asked him how you would even know if you’ve met your supposed pair.
“You’d know. The marks would move to a point of the body, almost as if reaching out to another in desperation. I've seen it once. Happened back in Boston to two strangers. They collapsed in pain from the marks' harsh movements across their skin and had to crawl the last couple of metres to each other. I can still remember their screams, girl. The marks were hurting them. But once they touched, they were both silent, clutching each other in relief. Their bond didn't do them any good, Ellie. It seemed to hurt like a bitch. Not something I'd wish on you. Okay? So don't go chasing a maybe like I know you will. You can still love someone without a mark to bind you.” He had concluded his explanations after that.
I still didn't quite believe him, and if I hadn't asked for clarity from Dina and Jesse after a couple of weeks of our friendship or felt my own mark start to move the day I turned 16, I'd probably still have the same thoughts on soulmates as Joel. Now my thoughts were more or less the same as everyone else's. It was an impossibility. A nice thought, but best not to dwell too hard on it.
Apart from the telltale pull of movement under my skin, I didn't let my soulmark phase me.
Jackson was a lively community, and when Joel and I had returned after Salt Lake to live here with the rest of Joel's family, his brother Tommy and wife Maria, both of whom were leaders of the community, I'd met Dina and Jesse. I was thankful for their friendship over the years. Especially after my fallout with Joel.
Once Joel told me what really happened at Salt Lake with the fireflies while I was unconscious, I felt so lost. Betrayed by the truth, I'd distanced myself from my caretaker.
Dina and Jesse made me feel normal and safe. My closest friends. They didn't press on Joel and me and knew to leave the issues be, as it wasn't their problem to bear. Jackson, despite the betrayal of the man I arrived with, grew on me, and I started to think of it as my home. With its mostly friendly community and easy lifestyle, I'd found my confidence here. Grew here.
A couple of months after settling into the refurbished garage of Joel's house, an act set in motion by me in hopes of creating more distance between us, I had met Kat. My first girlfriend. She had offered to do a tattoo for me, and I knew exactly where I wanted it. Over the burn concealing my healed bite.
We hit it off, and after getting over the first-time awkwardness, we had a relatively easy relationship. It didn't last long though, a year at most if I recall. Our relationship ended peacefully enough. We were better off as friends. She had a new crush, and I was, to my own mortification at the cliche, pining for my straight best friend.
Who turned out to not be so straight.
Dina was my second relationship; a complicated whirlwind of secret pining and unsure sexualities and ping-ponging between me and Jesse had made the whole thing confusing, to say the least.
I wasn't sure if the relationship was worth it sometimes.
I knew I was fascinated by Dina in all her confident glory. She was the life of the party after all.
A beacon to a moth like me.
Together we were a match of chaos and cockiness, and it felt right. But her inability to commit longer than a couple of months with either Jesse or me had left us both hurt and saddened. We didn't blame her, nor did we blame each other. We knew Dina was a free spirit, Dina being Dina after all, but we also knew it wouldn't last, and I was way too gay to ever make a thruple work like we suspected Dina really wanted. A suspicion we never voiced aloud.
So she swung between us. On again, off again. It was exhausting.
I knew I had to eventually let Dina down. She was starting to tear it all apart, and Jesse was more distant lately than ever. So, I planned to let her know after the winter dance. couldn't keep up with the casualness of our relationship anymore, and I hoped we could go back to being solely friends.
No intimacy.
I knew she would understand; Dina wasn't one to pressure unless necessary. She would give me the benefit of the doubt even if she would be sad and mopey about it for a while. I hoped in setting this boundary we could rebuild our friendships.
Dina had to kiss me, though. Right in the middle of the fucking winter dance.
Right in the eyeline of the town's bigot.
It was a confrontation I didn't need, leaving me so sour and vicious at the foul man. An anger I redirected at Joel as he stepped in to defend us.
I felt bad about it, my anger, and decided to talk to him that night on his porch, for the first time in two years. I had been thinking about forgiving him for a while now, and it was as good an opportunity as any. I made it very clear I was still so mad at him. Murdering all those people, going against my wishes to use my immunity for a cure. But I also was tired of being mad. I'm so tired. I wanted to try to forgive him properly. We left the night on a good note.
It was a start.
Hopefully it continued.
This all happened yesterday, and after being woken up by Jesse for patrol, I was now seated on Shimmer, my horse, riding alongside Dina, securing a route outside of Jackson. Jesse had taken another checkpoint and gone south, the atmosphere obviously still too awkward for him to be around us at the moment. I didn't blame the guy.
“I'm sorry about last night, El.” Dina started to speak; our easy and casual avoidance of the topic now voided the deeper into patrol we were.
I sighed into the cold midmorning air, breath fogging in front of me. She wanted to talk about the kiss.
It seemed like we were doing this then.
“You have nothing to be sorry for. It was just a kiss. Seth's an ass and always has been.” I grumbled at her, hand bouncing on my thigh, not really wanting to talk about this but knowing I had to rip the bandaid off at some point.
Might as well be now.
I thought back to Jesse's dejected face last night when Dina pulled away from my lips.
Fuck it.
“Look, Dina, I can't do this again.” I start, anxiety crawling up my spine. “ Jesse and I haven't spoken properly in months. We dodge you as a topic when we do speak because we don't know what to make of this awkwardness anymore. We both know what you really want. But you have to know by now we aren't comfortable with even thinking about…something like that. I really hope we can go back to being just friends from now on. I think it's best for everyone if we do.” I feel instant relief from getting this weight off my chest.
My words hint at her desire for a threesome. Just the idea makes me shudder.
I looked over at her, and her eyes were flushed with tears, her cheeks pink not just from the winter winds but also from her emotions. She looked resigned, and I knew from her face she was shattered but also accepting.
Because it was the truth. One we cannot keep avoiding. She's taken this indecision too far.
“I could see it was affecting both you and Jesse to some extent. I didn't mean to put you both in such a difficult spot. I just don't know what I want. And I let that get in the way of our friendship and fuck it up. I hope you can forgive me. And of course we are still going to be best friends, you idiot. I'd never abandon our friendship for anything. You know that, right?” She sniffled out.
“I know.” I softly said to her, happy she accepted my decision.
“Good,” she weakly smiled, and we kept trotting along the winding snow path to the checkpoint, more at ease with each other’s presence.
“C’mon, dork, I know a place where we can relax a bit after check-in. This route is usually pretty chill.” She waved me onward, trotting ahead. My smile tugged at my lips as I followed her. others’
We came upon an old library, half buried in the snow, and after tying the horses and checking for no infected, we went down to the basement.
I discovered heaven. It was a weed farm.
“Holy fuck.” I gasped in awe.
Dina chuckled behind me. “I know, it's Eugene’s. We came here once on patrol; the old man wanted to make a pit stop. You won't believe how fresh this stuff used to be.”
After taking in all the glory, we got to work, lighting a blunt from a sealed jar, and relaxed back onto the old sofa, satisfied and happy. We chatted and flirted like we usually did, but there was no sexual tension, at least not as obvious as it used to be between us. Dina was really making an effort to respect my wishes. It made me happy.
We spent a while like that, in our easy haze, giggling every now and then like the morons we are. We swapped stories with each pass of the bud. It felt like home.
After a while, the long blunt burned out; we rose from the couch and put on our jackets, only to pause as we heard the creak of the basement steps above us. We turned to see Jesse coming down them. He looks embarrassed and tries to turn his face away, obviously thinking we were post-fuckout; his uncomfortableness was at the forefront.
“Jeez, relax, dude! You didn't interrupt anything, okay?” Dina scowled at him, now seeing how distant he really was around us.
“Yeah, man, that's all done now. Dina and I are just friends. I've thrown my hat out of the ring. I just want our friendships back.” I assured him, slapping his shoulder to get him to look at me.
“Really?” He breathed, excitement underlining his tone as he finally looked at me. Damn, dude was whipped.
“Yep.” I snorted at him. He's too much like a puppy, I swear.
He sighed, relieved. “Okay then. That's good because I don't want to walk in on you having sex anymore. Once was enough.” He grinned even as he fake shuddered, but his teasing quickly faded, replaced by clear worry.
“That's not why I'm here, actually. It's been hours, and nobody's heard from Joel and Tommy since this morning. I got a radio call from Maria that they haven't returned to base, and then I went to check their sign-in like she asked before we left. They haven't marked the route, so I've been looking for them since.” He rushed, eyes darting worriedly between us.
“Shit!” I swore, worry creeping into my bones. “Something bad must have happened.”
“It could just be their radio was broken.” Dina tried to reassure.
“Either way we have to find them to be sure.” I grunted, gathering my stuff hastily. Dina does the same. Tommy and Joel went out early this morning at sunrise. It’s far too late in the day for there to be no sign of them. “How much of their region have you covered?”
“Not much.” He said.
“Then we split up. Go at it from different sides, and we can cover the whole thing in a few hours.” I looked between the two.
“I don't like you riding solo. We don't know what's out there.” Jesse spoke against the idea.
“Exactly! What if they need help?!” I raised my voice, desperate to get a move on.
“Okay.” Jesse agreed. “I'll head west, Dina can take south, and you come about it from the east, okay? But be smart about it, yeah?”
“Yeah,” I agreed, already moving ahead of them.
Mounting our horses, we dashed off in our directions. My mind is on finding Joel and Tommy. The pit of my stomach is dropping more and more as I look out around the blizzard weather.
Please, please let me find them.