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Jack stared up at the ceiling. He’d spent the last ten-ish minutes inspecting the smooth cream color with its speckles of various shades of brown, maybe some green mixed it though it was difficult to tell from a distance, and thinking of the various things it reminded him of. Some kinds of eggs were like that, the ceramic of the mugs that Alex had always liked, countertops in those manufacturedly homey kitchens…
“Jack.” A patient voice broke through his internal musing.
He let out a soft sigh and tipped his chin back down to study the man in the armchair across from him. Sandy hair fell across his forehead in a neat wave, brown eyes a few shades lighter than Robby’s watched him without judgement or irritation as Jack’s silence protracted but they still held weight. He was handsome in a boyishly charming way even though he was probably quite a few years older than Jack, older than even Robby. Cameron Penner, Jack’s therapist, tipped his head to silently prompt Jack to speak.
“Right,” Jack cleared his throat awkwardly. “Um… things are okay. For the most part.” Jack’s fingers fidgeted with a loose thread on the arm of his chair. The fabric’s weave had started to fray at one of the seams and Jack couldn’t help but pick at it. Cameron nodded, already knowing from their few sessions that he had to wait Jack out until he finally meandered to the point he actually wanted to talk about. “Things with Robby could be… better. On my part. I know- he would never say this, never make me feel like this but I still do because I know that- nevermind, I just, I know that I could be doing more. For him.”
“Meaning what, exactly?” Cameron asked. “I know in the past you’ve fixated over sex-” Jack’s cheeks flared hot with embarrassment as he forced himself to look Cameron in the eye and internalize the lack of judgement there, “-but we’ve talked about this, Jack. You beating yourself up or pushing yourself isn’t going to change the fact that you might not be ready.”
“It’s not the sex,” Jack waved his hand. Cameron raised an eyebrow and Jack blew out an exasperated breath. “Fine, it’s not just the sex. Ever since Alex died,” Jack’s voice still cracked around her name, “Robby has been there holding all the pieces together. I just don’t know what he gets out of this.”
“Have you tried asking him?” Cameron asked.
Jack let out a sharp bark of laughter. “Fuck no.”
“Well,” Cameron held up his hands almost helplessly. “That might be a good place to start.” There was an almost sarcastic tilt to his voice that usually made Jack laugh, but it also- when he was in a mood like he was at that moment- grated on his nerves.
They talked about Robby and about Alex, Jack’s thoughts wandered a little between questions but Cameron was pretty good at either letting him get back to the topic on his own or on subtly nudging him back from his deflections. Cameron was still in the phase of things where he mostly listened, only occasionally asking a leading question for Jack to expand on, but when their session slowly started winding to a close, he took on a more guiding role than observing.
“Sometime between going home tonight and our next session in a few days, I want you to talk to Robby about your relationship. You seem stuck on the idea that you’re taking more than you’re giving, that you’re not providing Robby with the things you’d expect from yourself in a relationship, and I want you to hear what he has to say about it.” Cameron was jotting down a few notes on the legal pad he kept balanced on his thigh during their session but he looked up when Jack didn’t say anything. “Okay?”
“Who knew therapy came with so much homework?” Jack grumbled to himself and slumped down a little in his seat, petulant and prickly like he usually was after a session.
“Oh, we’re just getting started,” Cameron said with a small smile and not much sympathy.
…..
Jack felt just as wrung out and cagey after therapy as he had after his early PT sessions. Except this time, he couldn’t bitch and moan to Robby about it because- well, Jack hadn’t told Robby about therapy. He still hadn’t even told Robby about the grief group and he’d been going to that for nearly a month longer than therapy since he’d dragged his ass about calling Cameron in the first place.
And just like after a brutal PT session, Jack stretched out- now on the floor rather than the couch simply because the floor had more space- with JJ on his chest to let his warm, familiar weight help reset Jack’s nervous system.
“You okay?” Robby asked and twisted a little to be able to look at Jack properly from where he stood by Jack’s head.
“Yeah,” Jack murmured and ran his fingertips up and down JJ’s back as his son dozed against his chest. He’d been fussy and irritable when Jack had gotten home. Teething, if the drool and increased tendency to shove anything within grabbing distance into his mouth was anything to go by. “Think we both needed this.” Jack brushed a soft kiss against soft, dark brown curls.
“Yeah?” Robby asked with a slight uptick in concern. It wasn’t just in his voice either. It was there in the slight downward curve of his mouth and the pinch between his brows.
“In a weird mood today,” Jack admitted and waved his hand to dismiss the bulk of Robby’s concern. “Floor is helping.”
“Well,” Robby said and he stepped to Jack’s side before nodding down at the floor at his own feet. “Mind if I join you?” Jack felt a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. It was silly, but it was also so Robby that it made Jack’s chest ache with fondness.
“Go for it.” Robby nodded and he eased himself into the spot beside Jack, studying him for a moment longer before turning to stare up at the ceiling like Jack had been doing before Robby had floated into his eye-line.
They both lay there for a while in the quiet stillness of their living room. The only sounds that broke through were either JJ’s sleepy snuffles or the muted sounds from outside Jack’s apartment.
“I was thinking,” Robby said as he slipped his hand into Jack’s, keeping his grip loose in case Jack wanted to pull away but Jack just gave his hand a gentle squeeze.
“Oh yeah? Dangerous times,” Jack murmured and he turned his head to look at Robby. He seemed to be chewing on his words a little, weighing them out carefully before speaking. “Mike?” Jack tugged at Robby’s hand to get his attention and then raised an eyebrow at him when Robby turned to look.
“Should get a rug,” Robby finally said and then turned his face back towards the ceiling. “If you’re gonna keep spending time down here.”
Jack had a feeling that hadn’t been what Robby was originally going to say, but he swallowed down the urge to press as he turned his face back towards the light fixture. “Yeah,” he agreed softly and stroked his thumb over the side of Robby’s hand softly. “Maybe.” He took a slow, deep breath and let it out just as slowly, keeping it controlled and steady. “Can I-” Jack’s voice faltered and he pulled a face at the ceiling. “Can I ask you something?”
“You’re suddenly asking permission?” Robby asked teasingly.
Jack huffed a laugh through his nose and nudged Robby with his elbow. “I’m being serious,” he muttered. He still hadn’t completely untangled his thoughts from his session with Cameron but the longer he put off talking to Robby, the more he knew he’d be able to convince himself he didn’t need to. “Am I- Do I give you what you need?” Jack asked stiltedly. “From this- us- our relationship?” Jack finally got the guts to turn his head and look at Robby properly.
“What?” Robby’s brows furrowed.
“I mean-” Jack took a breath. “You give so much of yourself. To me, to JJ, to making sure that we’re okay and that we have what we need. But… do I do that for you?” Jack asked with a frown. He wasn’t sure he was going about this right, getting the sentiment out in a way that could be understood, but Robby’s expression turned thoughtful so maybe he was doing okay.
“I think so,” Robby said but there was a waver of uncertainty there that made Jack’s stomach clench uncomfortably. “You’re a good partner, Jack.”
“But how?” Jack hated how unconvinced and insecure he sounded. “I mean- I’ve been such a mess and you’ve just… you’ve been the solid one. Keeping everything together.” He thought of the rooftop and then when he’d broken down in the nursery. Robby had been the one to hold Jack up and keep him from shattering. Jack hadn’t done that for Robby in a long, long time.
“I don’t need some grand gesture,” Robby said and shook his head. “This is enough for me.” When Jack just looked at him, disbelief and confusion etched into his features, Robby laughed lightly and held up their joined hands. “You, here, being together. That’s all I want or need. I thought I was supposed to be the overthinker in this relationship?” It was meant to be teasing. Something to lighten the mood. But Jack just shook his head insistently.
“That can’t be enough. That’s just not- it’s not fair, Mike.”
“Do I look unhappy to you?” Robby asked and lifted an eyebrow.
Jack studied his face and felt a small smile quirking his lips. “At the moment or..?” Jack trailed off and Robby laughed and rolled his eyes at him. “No,” Jack answered after another second. “No, you look…” Jack paused, mouth still open as he fished for the right word. “Content.”
“Okay then,” Robby said and he lifted their hands up to his mouth so he could press a kiss against the back of Jack’s hand. “Stop worrying so much then.” They both knew it wasn’t that simple, but Jack did feel the worst of his anxious energy settle at being reassured that Robby was good, that he didn’t feel neglected in their relationship. Which didn’t mean that Jack still didn’t intend to try, to do just as much for Robby as Robby did for him, but it helped ease the guilt of Jack thinking of himself as a burden that Robby had to carry.
JJ let out a low whine and lifted his head up from Jack’s chest with a cranky expression already on his face. Like Jack and Robby’s relationship talk had annoyingly dragged him from his pleasant nap. Jack snorted and he ran a hand over the flyaway curls that stuck up wildly on his son’s head. “Oh, I’m sorry. Did we wake His Little Majesty?” Jack chuckled as he brushed a kiss to his son’s round cheek. JJ babbled at Jack in obvious displeasure and pushed his chubby little hand against Jack’s jaw.
Robby sat up with a laugh and lifted JJ off Jack’s chest. “Come here, bunny. Let’s get you something for that sore mouth.” He rubbed JJ’s back softly before he stood and carried him over to the fridge. They’d been keeping a few clean pacifiers in a bag in the fridge to cool them down and hopefully soothe his sore gums. Once Robby had wrestled one out, he slipped it between JJ’s lips, smiling when JJ immediately latched onto it.
Jack let himself soak in the image of Robby holding JJ, talking to him lowly as he put the pacifiers away but then also investigated the contents of the fridge so he could make dinner plans, and he let out a soft breath as he allowed himself to luxuriate in the warmth of contentment and affection that covered him like a blanket.
…..
Cameron watched Jack carefully for a long moment. They’d just finished talking about the conversation that Jack had had with Robby, but something about his expression made the hair at Jack’s nape prickle uncomfortably. “I want to talk about Alex.” Jack jolted like he’d been electrocuted.
“We’ve talked about Alex,” Jack said cautiously. “We’ve talked about her a lot, actually. You sure those notes of yours are doin’ you any good?” Jack asked, putting on a teasing smile in the hopes that this conversation wasn’t going the direction he thought it might be.
“Yes, we’ve talked about Alex as the mother of your son, as your wife, but we’ve never talked about her role in why you’re here.” Cameron’s voice was gentle in deference to how difficult he knew this conversation was likely to be for Jack.
“Well, she died,” Jack said and his voice sounded scraped raw. “But it’s not like that was her fault.” He could hear the edge of defensiveness in his tone. Which was ridiculous, he knew that Cameron wasn’t accusing Alex of doing anything on purpose, but there was something about the phrase her role that grated over the ragged edges of the still-delicate wound that was his wife.
Cameron just nodded and waited, silent and neutral, for Jack to keep going.
Jack grumbled as he looked toward the window, glaring at the potted plants that were lined up on the sill as if they were the reason he was having to discuss Alex and the complicated knot of feelings that surrounded her. “She died. I mean- there’s not really much more to it. We were happy, we’d just had a baby, and then-” Jack hissed a breath through his teeth.
“And then?” Cameron prompted but Jack stayed mulishly silent. Cameron let out something approximating a disappointed sigh. “Jack, it’s not going to get any easier by not talking about it.” Jack’s jaw ticked and he felt his eyes stinging at the corners as he studiously avoided Cameron’s gaze. “You’d just had your son and then…” He trailed off, leaving it open for Jack to keep talking.
“Then she died,” Jack repeated helplessly, floundering for what to say beyond that because it was the cold, hard truth. One moment they’d been happy and the next Alex was dead. “She died from a completely preventable medical condition. If I had just been paying more attention-” Jack shook his head. “I’m a doctor. I know all the signs of a PE, know the statistics of postpartum complications. I shouldn’t have left until I knew she was going to be okay.” It felt like tearing off the top layer of skin that had grown over a festered wound. “Sometimes…” Jack let out a breath. “I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if I’d been here at home.”
“I’d say that’s fairly normal. To wonder,” Cameron said easily. “But wondering and blaming yourself for something out of your control are two different things.” Jack grimaced, hating how reasonable Cameron sounded. “Just say you had been home, what would have changed? In your mind?”
Jack blinked. He’d never- he hadn’t really thought to walk himself through it before. “If I’d…” Jack’s brows furrowed. “I could have seen the signs, the symptoms, gotten her to the hospital faster.”
“Maybe,” Cameron conceded with a small shrug. “But would that have that changed the outcome?”
It hit Jack like a particularly brutal punch to the chest and it took everything in him not to double over from the force of the words as they sank in. His exhale was little more than a wheeze and he had to make a concentrated effort to pull air into his lungs again. “I don’t…” His voice faltered weakly and he scrubbed a hand over his face. “I don’t know.”
“That’s okay,” Cameron said, keeping his voice low and soothing as he ducked his head to fish for Jack’s gaze. Once he had it, he continued slow and deliberate. “It would be impossible to know for certain, which is why the guilt you’re carrying is misplaced. By your own admission, you being there might not have changed anything.” Cameron’s hands folded in his lap and he gave Jack a small smile. “Be sad, be angry, however you feel about the unfairness of Alex’s death is understandable, but taking on the blame for the fact that she died isn’t fair to you and it isn’t healthy.”
Jack nodded numbly, though he wasn’t actually sure that the sentiment that Cameron was trying to get across had actually sunk in yet. Eventually it would, he knew, but it was just a question of how long it would take first.
…..
The first thing that Jack registered was that the air was so hot and dry that it felt like he was choking on it as he tried to get a proper breath. But the desert air and the churned-up dust and the smell of gunpowder and chemical incendiaries all swirled together thick enough that it was almost impossible.
Alarm bells were going off in the back of Jack’s mind, but he couldn’t quite focus enough through the haze in his head to remember why. All he could think about was the hot, slick feeling of blood on his hands as he worked on the young solider whose name he couldn’t remember. His eyes flicked over the patch with his name but they were so blurred by dust and sweat that he couldn’t read it properly.
He blinked, hoping to get some of the sweat from his eyes, before there was a familiar sensation in his chest in the half-second before he heard the concussive release of energy that preceded another familiar burning in his leg.
Time passed in fits and starts and it was like it was happening to someone else for a moment. Tourniquet cinched above his knee, shaky hands trying to clear the blood and sweat from his eyes, finding the bag of supplies he needed.
Jack snapped into his body again properly when he pulled himself over to the body he’d been working on before the blast, before he’d lost his leg, but instead of the pale, already-dead face of the young man in uniform, he found himself face to face with Alex.
Jack startled back from her even though she was laying there as if she were sleeping, untouched by the violence that was tearing its way around the little bubble they found themselves in. But, no, that wasn’t quite right. Because Alex’s skin had always been a warm olive color. It had taken on the ashen color of a corpse, lips bloodless and tinged a cyanotic blue at the corners.
Jack’s hands were trembling as he reached out to check her pulse.
She gasped before his hand made contact- a horrible, wet sound that Jack had heard hundreds of times from young soldiers that were drowning in their own blood either from a shot tearing through their lungs or crush injuries that he was completely unequipped to try and repair- and blood bubbled from behind her lips. Except it didn’t stop. It just kept coming and coming until it was flooding the ground beneath them both, climbing relentlessly up Jack’s legs and waist and torso.
Jack jolted awake half a second before he pitched himself off the side of the bed with a strangled shout that sounded more like a yelp. He hit the floor with a solid thud, his shoulder and hip taking the worst of the impact, and in a twisted way he was grateful for the sharp burst of blunt pain that helped to ground him in the moment.
“Wha’s goin’ on?” Robby’s voice was thick with sleep and he seemed to realize quickly that Jack wasn’t in bed beside him anymore. Jack could just see the top of his head, hair sticking up wildly as he looked around frantically, when Robby sat up. “Jack?” His voice was alert.
“I’m fine,” Jack muttered but he hadn’t tried to move just yet. The insistent throb along his right side discouraged the idea. That and the even deeper sting of his wounded pride.
Robby tossed the blankets off and leaned over Jack’s side of the bed so he could turn the bedside lamp on. Jack had to blink against the sudden burst of light but once his vision was clear, he could see the concern twisting Robby’s features as he too squinted against the light.
“You’re on the floor.” Robby’s brows were knit together.
Okay, so not as awake as Jack had initially thought.
“I noticed,” Jack grunted as he shifted so he could push himself up. His shoulder gave a particularly harsh twinge of protest but Jack wasn’t going to stay sprawled on the floor beside their bed like an asshole. Once he was propped upright, Jack dragged a hand down his face to clear the cold sweat from his skin before he pinched his nose and focused on breathing so his frantic heart would slow down a bit. “Should get in the shower, I’m fucking soaked,” Jack muttered to himself.
“Let me help,” Robby said and before Jack could bite out something that he’d regret, he heard the rustle of sheets and the sound of Robby’s feet hitting the floor. “Anything hurt that I should know about?” Robby asked and when Jack dropped his hand from his face, Robby’s eyes were sharper, wakeful, and flicking over him assessingly.
“Knocked my hip and shoulder, but it’s probably just some bad bruises.” Jack sighed heavily, irritable in a way that was just the way he processed the emotional come-down from a nightmare. Robby nodded but he crouched beside Jack and gently prodded at his shoulder before skimming down to check his ribs and then finally to his hip. Jack grit his teeth but more so that he didn’t snap at Robby than because of any pain.
“Okay,” Robby murmured, mostly to himself, as he smoothed his hand over Jack’s arm soothingly. “Let’s get you up.”
It should have been humiliating. Having to have Robby help him get off the floor, Robby helping him limp towards the bathroom because he must have twisted his left leg while he’d still been asleep. But… it wasn’t. Not really anyways. Some part of him hated the need for assistance, the temporary lack of independence, but the balm of Robby’s steady presence helped a little. That and the exhaustion.
Robby propped Jack against the edge of the sink before he went to get the water on and to the temperature he knew that Jack liked, but when he started to head out of the bathroom, Jack caught his wrist lightly. “Stay?” He asked and brushed his thumb over Robby’s pulse.
Robby’s eyes studied Jack’s face for a moment before he nodded. “Yeah. Just let me grab some clean clothes.” He leaned in and pressed a kiss to Jack’s forehead before he stepped out. Jack let his tired eyes close as he listened to Robby in the bedroom. The soft rasp of the dresser opening, the rustle of clothes being pulled out, the same hush of sound as it closed again. “You sure you’re not gonna fall asleep on me?” Robby asked lightly as he stepped back inside, settling the clothes on the vanity behind Jack.
“No promises,” Jack mumbled and cracked a small smile before he opened his eyes. Instead of peeling off his own sweat-damp clothes, Jack reached for the hem of Robby’s t-shirt so he could lift it up and over his head. Robby just let him, not even protesting when Jack tossed it into a crumpled heap on the floor before reaching for the drawstring of his sweatpants. After undoing the loose knot, Jack pushed them and Robby’s boxers down in one before kicking them to the side where he’d dropped Robby’s shirt.
It wasn’t sexual. No intention behind Jack’s movements other than to get Robby’s clothes off so he could join Jack in the shower. The adrenaline from the nightmare was going to run out soon and he was going to crash and crash hard. He could already feel it in the faint tremble of his fingers as he moved to try and tug at the collar of his own t-shirt.
“Hey,” Robby said quietly and he caught Jack’s wrists, thumbs skating over skin in a comforting arc. “I’ve got it.” It didn’t take much effort on Robby’s part to brush Jack’s hands away so he could peel the sweat-damp fabric from where it’d stuck to Jack’s collar and back. The soft cotton scraped almost like sandpaper over his skin but then it was just Robby’s warm, sure hand on his waist to keep him upright as he shoved Jack’s shorts and underwear off his hips.
Once they were both naked, Robby leaned in and pressed another lingering kiss against Jack’s forehead. Jack shuddered and let his head drop onto Robby’s shoulder. They stood there for a while as the steam slowly started to fog up the shower doors, spilling out of the bathroom through the door they’d left open- just in case, both always keeping an ear out for the baby in the other room- but then Robby hummed and eased Jack away. “Come on.”
Jack just nodded and let himself be shuffled into the shower with Robby. Robby let Jack sway back into his space once they were both beneath the warm spray, his hands coming up to cradle the back of Jack’s neck and to keep that steadying hand on his waist.
Jack took a breath and- before he could convince himself not to- started talking into the damp skin of Robby’s collarbone. “It was another nightmare,” Jack admitted. His voice was raspy and raw and tired but he knew that Robby could hear him He could feel it in the way that Robby’s body went carefully still. “It was when I lost my leg. Except,” Jack shivered a little despite the close warmth of the shower, “instead of the kid I’d been working on that day… it was Alex.” He grimaced and pressed his face into Robby’s skin harder.
“Jesus, Jack,” Robby said quietly, words barely a whisper. His fingers trailed up into Jack’s hair as he worked to rub some of the tension out of Jack’s neck before he could give himself a headache.
Jack shook his head slightly. “It’s- well, not fine, but-” Jack made an inarticulate sound. He was too emotionally exhausted to try and find the right words. “I just wanted to tell you.”
Robby took a deep breath- Jack shifting slightly with the way his ribcage expanded with it- before pressing a kiss to Jack’s temple, lingering close after so that his lips brushed against skin when he spoke. “I appreciate you telling me.” The quiet sincerity of Robby’s voice was almost too much and Jack was thankful that they weren’t looking each other in the eye at the moment.
They lingered until the water started its turn towards a cooler temperature before they did a quick scrub-down to rinse off any lingering unpleasantness. Even before Robby was finished trailing the soapy washcloth over his back, Jack felt his eyes gumming up with fatigue.
He was barely holding on to wakefulness as Robby wrapped a towel around his own waist before taking up Jack’s and rubbing it over his hair. Jack grunted in disapproval- his hair was going to frizz if Robby kept that up- which only made Robby laugh as he tossed the towel into Jack’s chest. “People who fall asleep standing up don’t get to be prissy about their hair,” Robby teased as he unknotted his towel so he could scrub it over his own skin briskly.
“Spoken like a man without curls,” Jack murmured as he finished drying off his body and hung up his towel while he combed his fingers through his hair to try and fix the damage that Robby had done.
“You’re still pretty with frizz,” Robby said, a laugh barely contained by his words, and leaned in to press a kiss to the clean skin of Jack’s shoulder. Jack just snorted and pulled on underwear, not seeing the point of tossing anything else on, before leaning his hip against the edge of the sink as Robby pulled fresh pajamas on.
“Prettier without it though,” Jack said and hooked his arm around Robby’s waist once he moved close enough. They made their ungainly way back to the bed and collapsed into it without another word.
There was a beat of silence where they were both teetering on the edge of sleep before the baby monitor crackled to life with an ear-splitting cry that was loud enough to be heard in stereo.
Jack started to heave himself out of bed but a hand in the middle of his chest stopped him, Robby already halfway out of bed. “I’ve got him. Go back to sleep.” And as much as Jack wanted to protest, his limbs were too weak to even try to make the effort to get up.
Jack could hear Robby’s voice on the monitor after a moment, low and crooning as he spoke comforting nonsense to the baby in the next room over. It took a while until JJ’s cries tapered off into the hiccuping little sounds that meant he’d tired himself out.
Jack was asleep, with a fond smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, before Robby had the chance to get back into their bed.
Though neither of them were able to stay that way for very long since JJ’s teething pain had settled in for certain and he was up every hour or two, crying from the discomfort. Robby and Jack took turns trading off to get up with the baby to get him a cold pacifier or washcloth to gnaw on as they rocked him or paced around the living room to try and get him to fall back to sleep for a little while longer.
By four-thirty, Jack had given up on sleep and had JJ propped in one arm, chilled teething ring in his mouth as he leaned his sleepy head against Jack’s shoulder, and fiddled with the coffeemaker with the other hand. His body swayed instinctively as he measured out the grounds, filled the reservoir, then listened to the hiss and bubble of water through the filter.
Jack was on his second cup of coffee by the time he heard the familiar sound of Robby’s alarm in the other room. There was a pause- the moment after it went off but before Robby woke up- before the sound cut out and Jack could hear the low groan that signaled Robby was both awake and stretching the stiffness from his lanky limbs.
“Jack?”
He smiled against the rim of his mug before carrying it and JJ, dozing now but not completely asleep, back into the bedroom. Robby was sprawled in the mess of their crumpled sheets, one arm tossed over his head and the other stretched into the spot beside him where Jack usually slept, his hair even more of a bird’s nest than it had been when he’d woken with Jack’s nightmare.
He looked ridiculous.
He looked gorgeous.
“Mornin’,” Jack said and moved to sit on the edge of the bed, left leg curled under him while he let the prosthetic dangle.
“How long have you been up?” Robby asked, squinting at him suspiciously before he knuckled at the corner of his eye to clear it.
“Little bit.” Jack shrugged casually and carefully shifted his hold on JJ, waiting until his little snuffles had stopped before he spoke again. “Figured one of us should get some rest and I couldn’t sleep anyway so. Coffee?” He held out the mug in his hand. He’d only taken a few sips out of it and it wasn’t like he and Robby were shy about swapping spit.
Robby hummed and took the mug, propping himself up so he didn’t spill it down his front as he took a tentative sip. His nose wrinkled slightly at the cloying feeling of cream on his tongue- Robby often avoided it because he didn’t like the traces left behind in his mouth, Jack knew- but he just nodded gratefully anyways. “Thanks.” He held the warm ceramic between his hands and then tipped his head slightly. “Okay?”
It was a loaded question. Something that they were both aware of.
“Yeah,” Jack said after a moment. And he was a little surprised to find out that it was true. The nightmare had been visceral and horrible but the early morning quiet had given him the chance to catalogue it and tuck it away in a place where it couldn’t weigh on him anymore.
Cameron would probably be over the fucking moon when Jack told him.
Robby let out a slow breath before he passed the mug of coffee back over to Jack so he could push himself up and swing his legs off the bed. “I’ll get started on breakfast then.” Jack nodded even though Robby couldn’t see him with his back turned.
Their morning went the same as practically every other morning from there. JJ was a bit more irritable from lack of sleep than he normally was- trying to crawl away from Jack when he was changing him and getting him dressed and then screaming his displeasure when Jack just gently tugged him back so he could finish- but he’d seemed to settle down, or tire himself out, before they’d dropped him off with Jack’s mother.
Adamson had Jack working a little more hands-on with the students. He had reminded Jack at his last check-in that PTMC was a teaching hospital and that teaching the students needed to be prioritized unless patient care would be compromised. Jack sometimes forgot that he could slow down without things crashing to a terrible halt. So instead of the med students and residents trailing after Robby like ducklings, they were orbiting Jack for the day.
He was showing one of the med students how to suture a fairly deep arm lac when Sandra, the deputy ward clerk, poked her head in. “Dr. Abbot, do you have a moment?” She asked politely as her eyes flicked around the room.
“Well…” Jack trailed off before he nodded to Richards to switch places with him, handing the needle off to her easily. “You’ve seen me do a dozen of these already. Just make sure to keep steady tension. Ward will supervise.” He caught the resident’s eye and he nodded easily before stepping up to watch Richards work. Jack stripped his gloves off as he closed the curtain behind him and reached for the hand sanitizer. “What’s up?”
“Do you know a Marion Abbot? Late fifties, brown hair, average build?” Sandra asked carefully, her clipboard held up against her chest like a shield.
Jack went still. “That’s my mother.”
Sandra’s face softened sympathetically. “That’s what I thought. She’s at intake with a young boy-"
Jack took off at a sprint before she could even finish her sentence, weaving around students and nurses as he made his way out to the intake desk. His eyes immediately landed on his mother where she was speaking to Lupe before jumping to where JJ was perched on her hip, sobbing his lungs out, with a bloody gauze pad pressed to his tiny forehead.
“Ma,” Jack said urgently as he felt his heart kick up in his chest. “What happened?” He didn’t mean for his voice to come out so sharply, but she was in the ER with his son and his son was bleeding.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I only put him down for a second,” Her voice was edged with desperation as Jack rushed through the doors to lift JJ out of her arms. “He was crying and so I stepped away- just to compose myself- and he must have pulled himself up with the coffee table.” Jack gingerly lifted the gauze pad from his son’s skin to see a thick slash of blood just above his eyebrow. It was still trickling a steady amount of blood despite the pressure his mother had clearly tried to keep on it so it was difficult for Jack to gauge how bad it was. “He must have fallen and caught the corner of it. Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry.” Her voice shook and Jack saw the tears that were glittering in her eyes. “I thought I was doing the right thing, stepping way before I- but I should have known better.”
“It’s okay,” Jack said, but his voice was shaking in a way it hadn’t since he was a med student. “It’s okay. He’ll be fine. Lupe, I’m going to-” He looked at the ward clerk and she nodded in understanding, already buzzing them back.
Jack’s legs felt like water as he cradled JJ in the crook of his elbow so that he could keep pressure on the wound with his other hand as he carried his son back to Central, his mother a pale, silent shadow just behind him. Dana turned at the sound of JJ’s crying and looked at him with wide eyes but before he could even open his mouth, she was in motion. “Jesse,” she said, snagging the nurse from where he’d just been setting a chart in the rack. “I need you to move Mr. Downing to South 17 and have Marisol take the empty bed to North 7.” Jesse nodded and she sent him on his way with a pat between his shoulders. “You, come with me.” She looped an arm around Jack’s shoulders and guided him into North 7, pausing only briefly as the nurses finished the bed swap. “Sit.” Dana pointed him towards the edge of the bed. “I’ll be back.”
It felt like time dragged on for hours as Jack just stood there, rocking his weight between his feet to try and soothe JJ. His son’s cries weren’t as shrill as before, but each one was still like a jagged knife wound tearing his chest open. He didn’t try to say anything to his mother and his eyes wouldn’t focus on anything but the blood-soaked gauze on JJ’s forehead.
There was a light knock and then Dana came in with the suture tray propped up against her hip. “I grabbed reinforcements,” she said before stepping aside so that Jack could see that she wasn’t alone.
Robby side-stepped around her quickly, face drawn, as he flicked his eyes over the scene in front of him. “What happened, Jack?” He went a bit pale as he stepped up and cradled JJ’s head in one hand so he could gently lift the gauze with the other.
“He fell,” Jack croaked, his head spinning at the off-balanced feeling of being on the wrong side of the hospital room. “He fell and he cracked his head on the table and- fuck, it’s bad, isn’t it?” Jack’s voice trembled as he held JJ just a fraction tighter. But that wasn’t going to help, wasn’t going to protect him, the damage had already been done.
“Head wounds bleed a lot, you know that,” Robby said, his voice low and soothing even as his eyebrows drew together in concern. “We’ll have Dana clean it up and then-”
“No,” Jack snapped and he twisted his body away as if to shield JJ from the rest of the room. “I’ll do it.” It was completely irrational but he couldn’t bring himself to pass JJ over into someone else’s care. Not right then, not when that was what had caused this to happen in the first place. “I’m his dad-”
“Exactly,” Dana said firmly. “He doesn’t need the doctor. He’s got one,” she gestured to Robby. “Just be his dad.” Jack felt his anger flare up, hot and bitter, but when he tried to find any reason to argue, he couldn’t. He trusted Robby and Dana both, knew Robby loved JJ just as much as Jack did and would never do anything that would hurt him. “Abbot,” Dana’s voice softened, “there’s a reason they tell us not to treat our own families. Let us help.”
Jack felt his resolve crumble. “Robby’s his dad too,” Jack muttered even as he moved to sit in the middle of the patient bed with JJ held securely in his lap.
“Not on paper. Which is how we’re gonna get away with having him be the one to do this,” Dana teased to try and diffuse the worst of the tension. But she was so focused on calming Jack that she didn’t notice the way that Robby’s expression shuttered at her words as he turned to pull on gloves.
“Once we’ve finished with the wound closure, I want to order a facial series and a head CT,” Robby said in the same controlled voice that Jack had heard him use on every other patient he’d ever seen. He pulled his penlight from his pocket and glanced at Jack with a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Just to be safe.” Jack nodded, throat too tight to speak, as Robby clicked the light on before shining it in each of JJ’s eyes. “Pupils equal and reactive, no drawback response to light.”
Robby took a breath before he peeled the gauze away from JJ’s skin and tossed it into the kidney basin that Dana held out for him. “Okay, bunny,” Robby murmured and set a hand on JJ’s leg, chafing his hand over it comfortingly. “You’re gonna have to hold him, Jack.” Robby’s dark eyes were empathetic as he reached for a drape to shield JJ’s clothes to keep him from getting soaked. “He’ll probably cry, but it won’t be hurting him. It will probably just be from the cold if anything.”
Jack had always known that Robby was a good doctor. He’d seen him run traumas with a calm confidence that seemed to put the patients and their family members at ease, but being on the receiving end of it made Jack all the more grateful for the man in front of him as Robby irrigated the wound on their son’s head gently. As predicted, JJ protested the indignity of having saline dripping down his face, but Robby’s reassurances and praise kept him from ever tipping over into full-throated screams.
Robby patted the wound dry before examining it with careful consideration. “Well,” he said with a rush of breath that spoke to his own relief. “It doesn’t look deep. I think a little Dermabond should do the trick.”
“Really?” Jack asked and shifted a little so he could look at it himself. His eyes had stayed on Robby throughout the entire process. But when he looked, it confirmed what Robby had said. The actual split of skin was only about three centimeters long and it wasn’t very deep. A superficial little thing. Probably wouldn’t even leave a scar.
“Probably better than sutures anyway since he can’t really pick the glue apart once it’s set.” Robby’s shoulders were softened with the release of the worst of his fear. “I still want to get those X-rays and CT to be sure but-”
“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Jack agreed breathlessly and he shifted JJ a little so he could lean forward and press a grateful kiss to Robby’s lips. “That’s- thank you.” He knocked his forehead against Robby’s lightly.
“Don’t thank me,” Robby murmured and bumped his nose against Jack’s before he pulled away again. “Not for this.” He studied Jack for a moment with an expression that Jack didn’t understand before Dana cleared her throat and it was wiped away by a sudden flood of embarrassment. They’d both forgotten about the fact that they weren’t alone in the room.
“Want me to grab that Dermabond?” Dana asked with an amused curl to her lips. But there was also a warmth beneath it.
“Please,” Robby said and cleared his throat as he tried to ignore the fact that his face had to be burning beneath the brilliant flush that had him red from his hairline to the collar of his scrubs.
“So he’s going to be okay?” Marion asked shakily as Dana slipped out for the applicator.
“Yeah, Marion, it seems like he’s just fine,” Robby sent her a reassuring smile. “Even minor head wounds can look really scary because of all the blood, but his neuro exam seems alright: he’s alert and interactive, he’s moving all his extremities. The worst of it was probably just the shock.” Robby stood and he shifted the tray away from him so he could put a reassuring hand on her arm. “We’re going to be extra careful with the tests, but you did the right thing bringing him in.”
“I’m sorry I shouted, Ma,” Jack said as shame curdled in his stomach. “I saw all the blood and I just-” Jack let out a humorless laugh. “I panicked. But I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”
She waved his apology away before quickly wiping beneath her eyes. “I know you didn’t mean it, sweetheart. As long as he’s okay. That’s what’s important.”
When Dana came back, it was quick work to give JJ the anaesthetic before Robby applied the Dermabond and sealed the wound closed with careful hands and a comforting smile at the baby in Jack’s lap. Once it was set, Robby let his hand drop and he leaned down to press a smacking kiss to JJ’s forehead. “All better,” Robby announced and then let out a laugh as JJ clapped like the whole experience had just been another game that he and Robby were playing.
JJ made a delighted little sound as he held his hands out for Robby. “Dada,” he said clearly, waving his arms impatiently as Robby froze instead of reaching back. Jack sucked in a breath and then a slow-crawling smile spread across his face at the panic in Robby’s eyes. “Dada!” JJ demanded more insistently as he slumped forward over Jack’s arm around his middle to try and grasp at Robby.
Robby lifted his eyes to Jack’s with a sheepish expression. “Jack, he doesn’t…” His voice faltered a little. “It doesn’t mean anything.” But Jack didn’t feel a stab of anger or jealousy. It was Robby and Robby was JJ’s dad, they’d settled that what felt like forever ago.
“Of course it does,” Jack said and he lifted JJ up so they were practically cheek to cheek. “Means he knows exactly who you are.” Robby’s expression wobbled and for a moment Jack wondered if Robby was about to cry. He steadied himself by catching one of JJ’s chubby little hands and pressing a kiss to the palm of it, much to their son’s delight as he let out a shriek of laughter. Probably from the texture of Robby’s stubble against his own baby-soft skin.
It was a thought that had been drifting insubstantially at the back of his mind for- if Jack thought about it- a while. But looking at Robby then, it settled into Jack’s mind and heart with finality: he was in love with Robby.
…..
Jack idly studied the drift of clouds as they tracked across a sky that was so blue it almost made his eyes sting from the saturation. It was the type of blue that almost looked like it was impossible, made you think that it couldn’t be real.
“Jack,” Cameron’s voice coaxed him into looking away from the scene outside the window and back at him. His mouth was lifted up at the corner with an amused smile. “Want to tell me what you’re thinking about?”
Jack’s own mouth twitched up into a smile. “Sure,” he said and for once he didn’t feel like he was holding himself so tight he might snap. “JJ said his first word the other day.”
Cameron seemed genuinely pleased to hear it. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Jack said and he rubbed at his mouth to hide the way his small smile stretched into a grin. “Said Dada.” Cameron tipped his head, eyes narrowing a little because he knew Jack well enough by then to know that there was something else to it. “Mind you, he said it to my partner, Robby, rather than me,” Jack pointed out and Cameron let out a soft huff of laughter, “but it felt right. Felt good.”
“How did Robby take it?”
Jack let out a laugh as he thought about the face that Robby always made when JJ said it. “He’s mortified because he thinks that I’m going to get upset at some point,” Jack said and shook his head at the idea. “So far only Robby is Dada. But… I’m okay with it. I think he needs it, the reassurance, more than I do.”
“Why do you think that is?” Cameron asked in that way that Jack knew meant that Cameron was just trying to get him to articulate his thoughts and feelings out loud.
“Because I feel good, secure, in knowing that Robby is just as much JJ’s dad as I am. Sometimes, I think he worries that he’s second-best. Or nothing at all.” Jack shrugged. “And because I love him.” It was the first time that Jack had said it out loud. He and Robby weren’t quite there yet, but Jack was sure that with a little time they’d get there.
“Big step,” Cameron said, his voice neutral but the spark in his eyes giving away how pleased he was to hear it. “Think you’re ready for it?”
Jack grinned at him. “I think I’m ready to try.”