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Nishinoya was seven when his grandma died. She was a small woman with fluffy white hair, and her funeral was beautiful. Nishinoya was there, trying to catch the cherry blossom taken by the wind with his small little hands. He remembers that.
He also remembers everyone running around him, trying to protect him from something. When he walked closer to the coffin, he thought his aunts would faint. He is too young, they would say, poor little thing, how can he deal with that?
But Noya learned that from his grandpa a long time ago, when he was four, and the old dog that lived on his street passed away. Things die, ok? Cycles ends. That dog was too old, and that house had a new owner, and his grandma had a better place to go. Nothing is eternal. There is nothing he can do to change that.
Oh, but the grief? The grief always sucks.
I-Denial
After the fight, Noya just goes home. He goes home, feeling a deep void in his chest, and pretends everything is ok. It's not like he is the type of guy to hide his feelings — much more the opposite: he wears his heart on his sleeve, and is pretty sure he wouldn’t be in this situation if he didn’t — but sometimes having a big mouth costs a lot, and today might be the day to learn that lesson.
Or not.
He will see.
It wasn't that bad anyway. Asahi will be back tomorrow. They will play volleyball. They will laugh. Asahi will give him one of those sweet repousse smiles. They will walk home together, stargazing and talking about nothing important. Noya will offer him a garigari-kun, and the earth will be spinning as usual again. Simple as that.
So Noya doesn't even go crying to his grandpa, call his sisters for advice, or anything like that. He just follows his day the way he usually would: greets his mom with a kiss on the cheeks, sits on the kitchen countertop, and makes her laugh while eating bits of whatever she is cooking. It doesn't matter that his lips are bitter while he kisses her, or that his muscles are sore when he jumps for the countertop, much less that he can feel no happiness in his own jokes.
Later, his grandpa is going to ask about the game against Date Kou, and Noya will run away from that question. He is not a coward, but there is no reason for him to make a big deal out of it. They still got next year, they still got volleyball, and they still got each other's back.
Asahi is going to be back the next day.
II- Anger
It happens that Asahi is not back the next day. Nor the next.
And that's when the suppressed feelings from two days ago come to bite him. Nishinoya explodes — more of a volcano than a human. His mouth is full of lava, and his eye drops are fire instead of tears. It reverberates through his thin bones, as if he is finally becoming the storm he was born to be.
Seeing Asahi's face is like seeing betrayal.
“Why didn't you come yesterday?” Noya asks, before Asahi's doe eyes can make him give up.
“It's pointless.” Asahi says.
And Nishinoya didn’t know he could feel such hate for someone he cares about more than anything. He didn’t know he could be so cruel. He didn’t know that Asahi's back, the thing he admired the most for the past year, could become his worst nightmare.
There are ceramic shards on the floor, there is a desperate vice director on his back, there is his hoarse voice reverberating through the corridor. There are no tears in his eyes. The anger doesn't let them roll.
III- Bargain
It's a simple deal. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a player for another.
“Look, Noya, I know I don't have the best reading skills ever, but I am pretty sure that's not what that phrase means.”
It's Ryuu, trying to convince him again. But Nishinoya is certain, he won't change his mind.
“I don't care what it means, I am not coming back until Asahi does it too!”
Ryuu tskc.
“Come on, Noya! You are our Guardian Deity! We need you!”
And Nishinoya knows it's childish. He knows giving up his position might be in vain. But he is trying to bargain with the goods here. Everything they need, everything they want, so he can have Asahi back. The thing he loves the most, his position, is all he has to offer.
“That's the problem, Ryuu: Guardians trust those they care about. And I know he will come back.”
Just like Penelope weaving the loom, he will wait as much as he needs. Isn't he a deity? Patience was never his virtue, but it can be, for Asahi.
IV-Depression
When there is no volleyball, there is a void. A void on his afternoons, that is no more occupied with practices, but also a void on his chest. It's something about not feeling his muscles sore after a day of practice, or something about missing the laughs in the changing room. He wants to feel the ball against his forearm again, wants to send it to Suga and to watch as Asahi's shoulder contracts majestically as he hits it. Noya wants to feel that connection again.
He misses the cacophony after the practice, the way Ryuu would say something dumb, the way Enoshita would roll his eyes, the way Daichi would be laughing in the background about something Suga said, and Nishinoya… His eyes would just wander a little bit, seeking a specific gentle, caring smile, just to check if it was there. He misses how, sometimes, when he found it, Asahi would notice it, and the room would become a background blur, as their eyes met.
If Noya closes his eyes, he can almost feel the smell of air salonpas, he can almost hear the sound of the ball hitting the floor, he can almost feel the warmth on his chest… Why would the thing he most love hurt him the most?
It's been a whole week since Asahi left, and that's when Nishinoya finally cries. He lays in bed, shaking, letting himself drown in his own tears. They come like a tsunami, bitter and sharp, and he lets himself sink.
His grandpa tries to talk to him, his mother hugs him, his father buys garigari-kun; but, for a couple of days, he only knows sadness.
V- Acceptance
“Your problem, Yuu, is that you never know when to give up.” Aoi, the youngest of his big sisters, used to say that.
And Nishinoya used to hate it. He used to feel small and powerless, trapped in her bigger hands while playing fight. But not anymore. Now he knows she was also too young that time, and she wasn't that smart either. Yes, he never knows when to give up, but the universe is always on his side.
What can he say? He is a lucky boy. If he wants things enough, if he throws a little tantrum, he will eventually get them. The universe spoiled him again, again, again and again.
That's all to say Asahi enters the gym, with the sunset shining in an orange halo against his back, and Nishinoya knows, for sure, that he always gets what he wants.
“Even if I don't score, I still want to play.” Is what Asahi says.
And Nishinoya always gets what he wants because the Universe has its favorites. And Nishinoya always gets what he wants because he knows exactly what it is. And he always gets what he wants because he trusts, blindly, in those he loves.
VI. Denial, once more.
Asahi is back. Asahi is back, everything is ok, everything is perfect, and the world is spinning as usual. For the first week in the past two months, Nishinoya can finally breathe.
So of course Tanaka has to go there and screw everything.
They are in his house when it happens. Ryuu is sitting on the floor and Nishinoya is sprawling in bed, almost as if he is in his own home ( he might be, with how much time he spends here, anyway). It is a hot afternoon and Noya is glad to spend it being childish and eating ice cream with his best friend. Until Ryuu looks at him with a shitty grin, opens that damn mouth and changes Nishinoya's whole life's trajectory with a couple of words.
“So, now that everything has passed, you don't have something to tell me?”
“What do you mean?” Noya asks, praying that Ryuu doesn't know how much he gossiped with Saeko while being away from the team.
“Come on, Noya! You know that I am ok with it…”
“It what?”
“It, like… The gay stuff, right? The thing you have going with Asahi, be it whatever it is.”
“Gay?! I am not… We are not… Asahi… We don't… We are just friends, Ryuu!”
Tanaka seems shocked.
“Oh shit! You don't know it.”
And Nishinoya feels like he might faint.
“KNOW WHAT?”
“About your big fat crush on Asahi, dude!! Like, come on, I always thought there was something there, with all those smiles, and praises, and not-so-casual touches, but I let it slide, you know? Until you fucking dropped volleyball cause of him, Noya! You are having it so fucking bad…”
And Noya thinks Ryuu is going nuts. Yes, that's it, Ryuu is going nuts. Because he is Nishinoya and he always knows what he wants, right? There is no way he wouldn’t notice if… And he doesn't even swing that way! He does find some boys cute, and he does like tall and strong bodies but that's not… It's just admiration! He has eyes, for fucks sake! Noya just doesn't have toxic masculinity (he grew up with three sisters, please note that); he can admire beauty when he sees it. Nishinoya is just an evolved man, that's it.
“I don't, Ryuu! Look, I would have dropped volleyball too if you were the one leaving. Or Suga, or Daichi, because that's what friends do! My friendship with Asahi is just a bit different than ours, but that's only because he is a little more fragile…”
Tanaka gives him a look that Noya can't quite understand. It seems a bit… Disappointed? As if he expected more from his best friend. Even though Noya tries, he can't quite get why Ryuu would feel disappointed with him telling the truth.
After this, Noya just goes home. He goes home, feeling a deep void in his chest, and pretends everything is ok. It's not like he is the type of guy to hide his feelings — much more the opposite: he wears his heart on his sleeve, and is pretty sure he wouldn’t be in this situation if he didn’t — but, if he feels bitter when he kisses his mother once again, he doesn’t tell anyone.
Later, his grandpa is going to ask about his day, and Noya will run away from that question. He is not a coward, but there is no reason for him to make a big deal out of it. Ryuu is just crazy, he might have been watching too much of Saeko's dramas.
There is nothing to worry about, Nishinoya is going to forget it the next day.
VII. Anger, afresh
Nishinoya doesn't forget it the next day. Nor the next.
He waits for Asahi outside of his classroom like he's been doing for the past week. In a platonic, friendly way, of course, it doesn't matter what Ryuu says. And Noya shouldn't be worrying about those stupid thoughts Ryuu had. Not ever, because they are, well, stupid, but especially not now, while waiting in the third year hall like a protagonist of a shoujo manga. So Noya let his ears wander, trying to focus on any other thing.
But that is not a good idea.
“It seems like Asahi's little boyfriend is back…” It's the poisonous whisper he hears from two boys leaving the class.
Noya feels his veins burn in anger. He turns around, looking daggers at them. Noya knows he shouldn't pick-up another fight on the third-year floor, but he also is the boy who always knows what he wants, and, right now, he really, really wants to punch those guys.
“Hey, ass–...”
That's when Noya feels a big, familiar hand on his back.
“Nishi! Sorry for making you wait, but we can go now.”
It's Asahi, with his stupid cute sweater, and his stupid cute smile, and his stupid cute voice and Nishinoya… Looking at Asahi's face this close, he feels his heart beat faster. His stomach churns, his face burns and, suddenly, he feels like he needs to get out of it.
Seeing Asahi's face makes his chest burn with a red feeling. He just isn't sure about which one.
VIII. Bargain, again
Nishinoya's Friday afternoon is spent sitting on the floor buried in all his sister's old teen magazine he could find. How do you know if you like him? Is the title of one, almost as if to provoke him.
But Noya won't fall for that. He doesn't even know why he hunts up the magazines to start with. There is nothing happening between him and Asahi. It might have been Ryuu and his crazy ideas, entering his mind, craving their damn roots on his brain.
‘You think he is cute’, says the magazine, and Nishinoya thinks this might be the dumbest article ever written. Why would you even be reading this if you don't think he is cute? Besides that, yeah, Asahi is cute, but that's an objective fact, right? More than that, Asahi is handsome: his eyes are a deep, gentle shade of brown, his lips are delicate and thick and his ass…
Ok, next question.
‘You are always curious about his personal life.’ is it, which is such a dumb topic that makes Noya think that he might be able to have a column in a teen magazine. That's literally just friendship. When he has a friend, Noya always wants to know more of them, to hear their stories, to devour everything they have to offer. With Asahi, it’s no different.
Except it is a little, but that's only because Asahi is the most interesting person Noya knows; it's not his fault that the guy is a box full of surprises! Like, come on, who would expect a 6’3 feet guy to sew, draw and love poetry?! Who wouldn’t melt while listening to him talking about his grandma, or making a surprisingly mean joke? Who wouldn’t want to feel his weakness with their fingertip, just to believe they are there? It's perfectly normal to think your friends are interesting.
‘You think about kissing him all of the time.’
…
Yeah, that's a stupid quiz, anyway. If Noya thought about it once or twice everyday in the past year no one can blame him. He is just a bit confused. It's the long hair. The long hair is confusing him. The long hair and the doe eyes. Yeah.
There is no problem thinking very frequently about making out with your friend, right?
Right?
IX. Depression, doubled.
It hits him like a train, the thought that he might be a bit gay. Wasn't he the boy that always knows what he wants? Wasn't he one of the Universe's favorite children? Wasn't that all just platonic?
He stays in bed the whole weekend, rooting.
X. Acceptance 102
So, according to Google, he is bi; which he didn’t know was an option but, oh boy, it does sound good. He is bi and he is quickly noticing that he does want to kiss every girl in the world, but also half of the boys. Especially a tall, awkward one.
The one that could make Noya quit his favorite sport, the one that has the smile he always searches for, the one that makes him feel red. The one with all the right words, and such an hesitation on his eyes, and such a gentleness on his gesture… The one Nishinoya loves.
Yeah, that's right, loves. Because Noya was being dumb, and running away, and being the only thing he had promised he wouldn’t be: a coward. In hindsight, it was always there, it was always Asahi. Noya loves him. Loves his gentleness, and his strength, and everything he has to offer.
It's after a long day of practice when it hits him. It's a night full of stars and Asahi bought them porkbuns, simple as that. Asahi bites his, eyes closing in pleasure, and Nishinoya can't deny it anymore. Can't deny it, can't be angry, can't bargain, can't feel any sadness. Grief sucks, but there is always a silver lining.
“ I love you, Asahi.”
All he can do is accept it.