Chapter Text
"When does a war end? When can I say your name and have it mean only your name and not what you left behind? " — Ocean Vuong
Most people are terrified of liminal spaces, but Huening Kai has always found a strange sense of comfort through them. Vacant classrooms on winter break. Deserted hospital parking lots in the early morning. Closed street vendor stalls during a rainstorm. Empty chairs in a hospital waiting room, the distant beeping in the background being the only signs of human life.
He feels like a liminal space sometimes, too.
His clothes only smell like him. Nobody's ran their fingers through his hair. Only his own shoes are stored by his apartment's entry. And although there's hundreds of unanswered messages on his phone, it doesn't seem like anyone wants to talk to him, they just want something from him. He can't recall the last time he was kissed. Or maybe he can, but he just doesn't want to think about him.
Nothing lasts forever, though. Somebody's bound to pass through him soon. He just doesn't think he's ready yet. Two years could be two minutes could be two decades.
He doesn't know anything at all.
—
Being back to university after a two year break is disorienting to say the least.
While he can make his way through smoothly, nobody's waiting for him in the courtyard or the rec center or the library. While he knows a good amount of people, most of which are nice to him, he knows what they say behind his back. The weather isn't the only cold thing March carries.
Once he senses a hint of curiosity, he retreats. Somewhere along the way, he went from being endearingly transparent to an impenetrable iron fortress.
He wakes up. He goes to school. He gets shit done. He goes home. He goes to the studio. He goes back home. Rinse. Repeat.
It's okay, he thinks, this is the choice I made.
—
He's thumbing his way through The Vegetarian by Hang Kang when one of his juniors invites him to a movie night. Normally he'd say yes, but he has about fifty pages left and he'd like to finish it quick enough to return the book to the library and browse for another one.
It's a lame excuse and he knows that, but he has no reason to lie.
"Oh," the girl says, "I appreciate the honesty, sunbae. You can still stop by for snacks if you want."
"Okay. Thanks." He smiles. As he's turned around he doesn't miss her dejected sigh.
Another voice whispers, "Yah, I told you he'd want nothing to do with us. He's waiting for his friends to come back." He trudges to the library as if the words burned him.
They couldn't be more wrong.
Kai is finally enjoying a home cooked meal after weeks of convenience store ramen and sugary snacks. His mother is going through her college album and points out everyone's names, one by one. Her eyes look so bright and wondrous, they kind of remind him of someone he doesn't want to mention.
"Ahh look, this is when we all gave each other perms and nearly burnt off our scalps." She points to a group of young girls, making silly faces at the camera. "And this is when we snuck into an S.E.S. concert at our rival university." A younger version of his mother does a shhh motion with her index finger and a failed wink. "Oh and this is when we put a random international student in drag and partied downtown." Kai squints this time, that dude kind of looks like…
"Wait is that dad?" He laughs.
"Yes! He made such a pretty woman, I was so jealous. He got hit on more than me. It was irritating."
"Did you guys bribe him or something?"
"Of course we did! But it was his fault for saying he'd do anything to get my attention." She shrugs.
"Why drag though?"
"We had another friend who was an actual drag queen so we needed a decoy to get to the bar safely."
He nods, that's fair. He snaps a picture and sends it to the family group chat. He mutes it soon as the messages start flooding in.
His mother sighs, "I miss my girls. they're all professionals with careers and families, but we were just kids once. There was seven of us, but now there's just five. I miss everyone. What we used to be. I don't think I can go a day without thinking about them."
"What happened?"
"Nothing." She smiles, "Sometimes you just grow up and apart. There's nobody to blame."
"But how come they barely see you anymore?" He asks, dejected.
"They mostly call, but I am pleasantly surprised every time I see them. I don't hold it against them. The older you get, the harder it is to meet up with friends." She explains.
"Don't you ever feel… resentment?" Kai gnaws at his bottom lip. At the end of the day, he's still just a young person lost in this world. His mother's heart tightens in her chest, but he pretends not to notice.
She tilts her head, "This isn't about me, is it?" Kai looks down, "The boys will come back soon, you should be there for them. Hash it out like men do! fight and yell. And then forgive each other like brothers do. I mean, you always wanted brothers, right?"
"What if they don't forgive me? What if Beomgyu hyung still hates me?" He sulks. His mother stands up to pat his head. That is the only way that she can tower over him now.
"Kai-yah, don't think your way into rejection. You have to face it head on. You did it when I got sick. You did it when some schools passed you over. You are in the perfect stage of your life to make a million mistakes. I will always be cheering you on, but I did not raise a quitter."
He nods solemnly, "Okay. I'll try." Wishes that her words of encouragement meant more, but they're just words. Maybe if he smooths it out in his brain a couple more times he'll find the right formula, the right cadence of words to warrant forgiveness. Maybe this time he'll be a better person, so that perhaps, he could be loved.
He hopes that's enough. He really, really does.
Two years back
The band room is usually empty in the evening, small traces of the sunset wane through the curtains haphazardly. Golden hour, they call it, but to Kai it's just another day he's cramming assignments for his general classes.
It would be more useful to do this at the library or his dorm room, but he finds those places suffocating. Plus, if someone walks in it's the perfect excuse to procrastinate more.
As if on queue three of his seniors walk in, dropping their belongings immediately. Everyone in the department dotes on him, which he is eternally grateful for… except, he has no clue what they're ranting about.
"You must be crushed."
"Hang in there Hyuka, it'll be over in no time if you focus on school."
"I don't understand why this is happening so suddenly…"
Instead of freaking out like a normal person, he just sighs and says, "Yeah, well… It is what it is."
The oldest noona, with a caramel brown eyes softens, "You are so strong, Kai-yah. I would genuinely lose my mind if my whole friend group enlisted at the same time."
Everything stops.
But he doesn't say anything. This has to be some sort of sick joke. It is way past April fools.
"You're so lucky you don't have to go. But it sucks to be left behind. Man…"
Sucks to be left behind.
You must be crushed.
I would lose my mind.
You're so strong… Kai-yah. Kai-yah—
"KAI!" Taehyun shouts. He looks around as a bead of sweat falls from his forehead to his chin. He left his backpack and his shoe laces are untied. He didn't know how hard he's breathing until he feels Taehyun's hand on chest attempting to calm him down.
It doesn't work. He drops to the ground, "You're leaving. All of you." He croaks.
"W-who told you?" Taehyun meets him down, wearing a puzzled look on his face. This time it's not so cute.
"What's going on, Taehyun-ah?"
"We were going to tell you eventually." Yeonjun's hand rubs his shoulder gently, trying to ground him. He tries to reach for it but covers his face instead. He can't imagine how pathetic he must look. No wonder they're all leaving him behind.
"You guys aren't even in your mid-twenties yet, why is this happening so soon?" He asks.
"If we go now we can request a specific branch of service. It'll be easier to get it out of the way now so we can come back to school instead of a competitive job market." Taehyun explains like it's the most uncomplicated thing in the world.
"We haven't even finished freshman year, Taehyun-ah."
"That's exactly why it's the perfect time. Me and Beomgyu haven't taken major level classes yet, so it'll be kind of like a fresh start when we come back."
"What about you and Soobin hyung, huh? You only have one year left." He looks at Yeonjun, who rubs the back of his neck sheepishly.
"We were always gonna go together, but Beomgyu's father got us a connection that can put all of us in the same unit. So we won't be alone."
"We have a deadline to apply. I'm sorry, Hyuka." This time Soobin speaks up, he didn't even notice the latter was in the room. Beomgyu is there, too, but he looks… angry?
"If you guys have a deadline, does that not defeat the purpose of 'choosing' where to serve?" He points out the discrepancy.
"Yah! It's more complicated than that," Beomgyu chides, "There's a process and it has to be done precisely so they don't accidentally leave one of us out."
Then what about me? He refrains from asking. Everything is so overwhelming. He should've just studied at his dorm.
"We were going to tell you properly."
"I don't know how it got out."
Kai doesn't know who's saying what, but tries for the door. They don't let him leave.
"You can't go out like this. Come sit down and we'll explain it more thoroughly." Taehyun holds his hands but he wrings them off. The boy looks so betrayed.
"You're looking down on me. All of you." Kai regrets the words as soon as he opens his mouth because they're charged with so much anger he didn't know he had. This isn't the first time he's the odd one out. He's crushed inside.
"It was just supposed to be me and Soobin, but then Beomgyu told his father and before I know it, Taehyun's part of the plan. I promise you we considered you every step of the way. This isn't fun for us, okay? None of us want to leave you or school. I know how it looks but you have to believe me." Yeonjun is frantic, while Beomgyu tries to calm him down.
Beomgyu takes one look at Kai and says, "You're lucky you don't have to do this, Kai-yah. It's better that way."
"Easy for you to say. This was part of your plan." Kai points out.
"This wasn't done to leave you out—" Beomgyu protests.
"Maybe I'd believe you if weren't lying to Yeonjun hyung—"
"This isn't about that and the fact that you're bringing it up now is so low." Beomgyu spits out. Yeonjun is perplexed, this isn't about conscription anymore. Taehyun's knowing eyes meet him across the room but it's far too late. The damage is done.
"Okay, can someone explain what's going on? Kai-yah?" Yeonjun asks.
"Huening Kai. No." Taehyun says, no affection in his voice. A warning.
He turns to look at Soobin and Beomgyu and then back at Yeonjun. Taehyun shakes his head in disapproval, but it's far too late to take back his words.
"Beomgyu and Soobin are fucking."
"What?" Yeonjun pales, he turns to look at his boyfriend of two years and the man he calls his best friend, "What."
The silence is suffocating, there's a buzzing sensation in Kai's ear and the sound of his own heartbeat pulses through him painfully fast.
Soobin's shoulders shake in disgrace. His silence confirms it all and the oldest just goes back and forth looking at everyone. Taehyun looks down, too. Everybody knew but him.
An ugly part of Kai is relieved that for once he isn't the odd man out. It hurts that it had to be his Yeonjun hyung, who'd jump at any chance to protect him. But they're all leaving him now? What does it matter anymore?
"Huening. Kai. You have no right." Beomgyu charges towards him and nobody holds him back, "This has nothing to do with the enlistment! Why would you say that?"
"You were planning on serving for two years with your long-term boyfriend and your side piece. In what world does that make sense? That's not fair to Yeonjun hyung. That's not fair to Soobin hyung either. What were you plotting? Telling him right after everything is signed and sealed so that he has no choice but to forgive you?" Kai spits back, his back is pressed against the wall. He'll feel Beomgyu's raging hands against his collarbones for days. He'll never forget the look of betrayal in the older boy's face.
"Soobin is not my side piece—" He stops himself but everyone in the room knows the implication of those words.
"You're in love with him." Kai says, "That makes it so much worse. You said it was just physical. Now you've hurt two people."
"You're hurting me now, Kai-yah." Beomgyu says as he weakly slams him back, eyes brimming with tears. This day is full of ironies.
"It wasn't my place to say. And I'm sorry it came off that way. Everyone thinks we're one big happy family, but we're all lying to each other." Kai rarely cries, but he's very close. He knows he's severing their ties together. This might as well be his funeral.
It already feels like they're in war. Except he's a lone soldier, while they're a fully functioning platoon.
Yeonjun gently pulls Beomgyu back, turning his face towards him. He looks both distraught and relieved, "At least it was with our Soobinie. I can understand why… We can— we can still figure something out, okay?" They walk over to Soobin and hold each other. The three of them, their own unit. A family.
Kai can't say he's surprised. But now he has to face Taehyun's wrath.
The door slams.
"What the fuck was that?" Taehyun pulls him away from the building like he might detonate another bomb on them if he stays near.
"I'd like to ask you the same question." Kai rolls his eyes. Taehyun grips him tight enough to bruise but he's reveling in the fact that the older boy hasn't beat him to a pulp. Yet.
"I wasn't bluffing when I said you were part— there's programs you can take abroad while we're gone—"
Kai laughs, "Oh so now you're sending me away, too? Who told you could make that decision for me?"
"I was just going to make suggestions." Taehyun pulls at the hem of his sweater, one of his nervous ticks.
"Even my own parents aren't this controlling."
"If you'd just let me explain—"
"Then go ahead!" Kai yells.
"Stop interrupting me! Damn it! I wasn't going to go, okay? I didn't want to leave you!" Taehyun fires back. This is going nowhere.
"But you still are… What made you change your mind?"
"Either way it's going to be hard for me. At least I'll have the hyungs by my side. If I waited until they got back, then I'd have to leave right at the start of our careers, halting all of my hard work. If I do it now, at least the university will back me up when I come back. Both ways I have to make a tough choice. I'm in a lose-lose situation, Kai-yah. Can you at least try to understand?" Any other person would've said it's a shitty excuse, but Taehyun is not as lucky as the rest of them.
He's a scholarship student and his family is not supportive of his dream, unlike with the other four who come from the upper middle class and have connections in the industry. The boys offer help all the time, but he refuses. He has so much more to prove. It shouldn't be this way.
"I get it, I do. It just hurts that I had to find out from other people." Kai says a half-truth because what he wants to say is, 'Why am I so easy to abandon?'
"I don't know how it got out. I swear."
"They all hate me now."
"No." Taehyun denies. He moves closer. Somehow they made it out to the underground parking lot of the apartment building, so their voices echo back and forth. A dance you can only hear but not see.
"Beomgyu probably wants to kill me." Kai finds it in himself to chuckle.
"Fuck. He definitely does." Taehyun laughs for the first time that night. Which is a relief to Kai because he thought he'd get his ass handed to him.
"How am I gonna face Yeonjun and Soobin?"
"They'll just have to forgive you."
"What if they don't?"
"I'm telling you they will."
"I think I should go home. I'm so tired." Not the dorms, his mother's house. He needs a voice of reason in all of this.
Taehyun rubs his hands up and down Kai's arms, then his belly, "Okay, baby. Let's meet up tomorrow once things have cooled down. I'll call you in the morning, okay?"
He hums in agreement, too exhausted to get words out. He presses their foreheads together as Taehyun moves his hands up. If he closes his eyes, he might even hear Taehyun's heart drumming in his chest.
Kai just stares at the ground. Taehyun holds his face delicately, like he might break. What they have is not concrete like Beomgyu and Yeonjun, backed by years of friendship and later romance. But it is also not a whirlwind affair like Beomgyu and Soobin, which should feel more dirty and wrong, but just makes sense in their dynamic. He hates how the others are his prime example for love. He can't even use his own parents because they're separated.
What Kai and Taehyun have is more fragile. Started out as a joke of their hyungs being infatuated with each other, but now they don't even know what to do with it. What to do with each other. What are they doing to each other?
Truthfully, it's better that their hyungs will be there to tend to Taehyun's heart. Not because he's strong or anything, but because he doesn't want the starry-eyed boy to be lonely. Pathetic isn't it? He lashed out for nothing. This is the best case scenario in this fucked up non-relationship relationship.
"Promise me you'll stay. Promise me you'll be at the farewell ceremony, please?" He breathes.
"I promise." Kai whispers earnestly. He leans in for a kiss. It already feels like goodbye.
—
Kai takes the last train home, its nearing midnight. The consequences of his actions are just hitting him now. Of course, Yeonjun would forgive them. Even if he was the one who got betrayed. Even if things are significantly more complicated now. Worst of all, he made a promise to Taehyun, that he'll be there at the send off. That he'll stay. And he wants to keep it. He swears.
He gives his mother a frantic break down of the events and she hands him a glass of water.
"First of all, that's a lot. And you still haven't eaten anything all day? Gimme a sec." She goes around the kitchen to look for leftovers. She rubs her temples for a moment trying to find her wording. Her eyes look a bit vacant, exhausted.
His mother is a criminal justice lawyer with persistent clientele and now she has to deal with her middle kid's college problems on a random Tuesday. Kai feels so guilty all over again. But he has nowhere else to go.
Normally he writes about his problems, whether it's just long rants on the notes app or on one of his journals. Tonight is different, though. He's not sure where he'll even begin.
"I can hear you thinking from here. Stop doing that. You are not a burden." She says firmly.
"And yet I'm always left behind."
"Your father and I— we just weren't good for each other. We didn't wanna ruin you. Any of you. And it's not fair that you're projecting this onto your friends now." She has a point, but he's too hurt and shocked to be levelheaded.
"They might as well have put rings on each other and eloped." He throws his hands up.
"I wanted to shield you from this, I saw how it messed up my brothers, cousins, uncles, even your grandfather. I failed to recognize that you'd also be affected by the people in your proximity." She sighs, putting warmed up side dishes in front of him. At least he can rejoice in a tasty meal.
"Don't talk to me like a lawyer, Eomma." He shoves a spoonful of rice in his face. In any other context he'd look adorable.
"I'm deeply sorry that I can't protect you from this, son." And he knows she means it.
"I promised Taehyun-ah that I'll send them off, but I don't think I'm strong enough." He admits.
"You should apologize first. It'll be easier that way…" She looks around the room pensively, "Why did you retaliate against Beomgyu specifically? The four of them are leaving, but why did you pick him?"
"He said that I was 'lucky' and it hurt. I wasn't thinking honestly. And the look he gave me, Eomma… I'll never forget that look. I feel like shit." Water will not be able to wash down the lump in his throat. He is so deeply remorseful.
Beomgyu and him were inseparable until he found out that he was betraying Yeonjun. He's barely known the both of them for a year, but he's grown quite close to them. Soobin, on the other hand, he's known his whole life. And he's wracking his brain trying to comprehend how he could do such a thing. How the hell are they going to war for two years after this? And why didn't Taehyun tell him anything? There are too many questions swimming in his brain.
"You'll probably hate me for this but he is right. Forced conscription is no joke, it's a violation of human rights. Even if your father wasn't an American, I would've found a loophole for you to avoid it." She sighs, "I mean this with all my heart, but war, in every context, is bigger than your feelings. You have to accept that."
Any other person would be in tears right now, but his mother has always been more objective and analytical. If he wanted an emotional response, he would've called his father. That gives him an idea.
"What if I renounce—"
"Absolutely not. Do not even finish that sentence."
"But what am I supposed to do, then? For two years?" He's aware that he sounds like a petulant child. Like it's his first time being denied candy at a grocery store.
"It's one year and nine months at most. You survived 19 years without them, this is nothing. Unless there's a crucial detail you're leaving out. Which one of them is it?" His eomma already knows he's harbors feelings for one of his friends. He's not much of a good actor. Now that she knows about the hyungs' messed up relationship, the only valid candidate is none other than…
"Kang Taehyun." Kai shocks himself with how sad it sounds coming from his mouth.
He didn't want it to be like this. In his head, a year from now, he'd be introducing Kang Taehyun as his college sweetheart at a family gathering and everyone would've been happy for him. The way he just said Taehyun's name sounds like a sin. Sounds like a crime. Sounds like someone from a parallel reality who only shares his name and not his soul.
"So you're in love." She smiles, "This is what love does to you."
"Pretty ugly isn't it?" He chuckles, running a hand through his messy brown hair. He's due for a haircut soon, but Taehyun likes it long.
"You're just like your father." She laughs. There's probably some memories running through her head right now. He knows they never truly fell out of love, they were just pulled in different directions in life.
"The problem isn't that I'm in love, it's that he's too ashamed to tell the others." He sighs.
"Did he tell you that he's ashamed? How did you come up with that conclusion?"
"He doesn't have to. It's quite clear."
"That is not concrete evidence. Perhaps he's too overwhelmed by his feelings. Or maybe he feels that since he's leaving soon, confessing would be… far more brutal than just having a clean break. I can imagine that it's a hundred times more difficult to confess your love to the three people who have practically become family in the span of a year. From what I know of your Taehyun, he's pragmatic. He probably thinks that keeping things between the two of you gives you the chance to run away if you want. That he's setting you free by giving you an out. And the way your relationship will affect the group's dynamic. You guys are his family now, 'damn, I can't afford to lose a single one of them.' Being brave is hard." She looks at him with a grimace.
"Jesus Christ." Is all he can say. They sit in silence for a while until he gets up and cleans the plates. He feels a bit queasy from it all. The revelation, the fight, the fallout, the promise, this conversation— it's all too much.
His mother comes around the kitchen island and subs his arm, "Everything will work out, son. Apologize, own up to it. And I'm sorry that we made you feel abandoned all this time."
"Its okay, Eomma. Thanks for knocking some sense into me. Go to bed, I'll clean up and throw out the garbage, hmm?" He assures her. He can't look her in the eye just yet.
She pinches his cheek and says, "Goodnight, penguin." He doesn't miss how she drags her feet on the ground. She's been working herself to the bone since forever, it hurts to see her like this. He'll bring it up to the siblings group chat soon.
Once everything is clean and done, he stares at the ceiling, scrolling through KakaoTalk. A number of messages from Soobin, two missed calls from Taehyun, one long text from Yeonjun and nothing from Beomgyu. He could go upstairs to his bedroom, but the couch feels so nice.
He's deep inside a dream that has no foundation. All he can feel is the wind on his arms and the sounds of the beach. His hair sticks to his forehead thanks to the sunscreen. It feels rewarding that his mind is taking him to a serene place—
CRASH!
A loud sound breaks him out of his reverie, too heavy to be an object like a lamp or suitcase. Yet not loud enough to be outside noise from the neighborhood.
"Eomma?" He calls out. Nothing.
As he nears the bedroom, all he can hear is small scratch like sounds and erratic breathing. She's shaking on the ground, looks like she was going to the bathroom, but this isn't a regular fall. Luckily, he brought his phone with him and dials 119.
The operator sounds robotic, like he's had this phone call a million times. What's the address? Tells him to turn her on her side. No its not a heart attack, it's a seizure. Make sure she doesn't hurt her head. And what's the address, again? Put a pillow under her head, if not just remain there. If she comes back to her senses don't barrage her with questions. Help is on the way. Don't panic.
She just looks like she's sleeping now. He doesn't say anything out loud.
All the neighbors have turned on their lights, nothing usually happens on this street. Kai is holding her hand in the ambulance as they check her eyes and put an IV drip on her arm. The main paramedic turns to him and smiles.
"You were strong, kid." He says, "Just hang in there."
Everything the doctors and nurses say go over his head. He has to get in touch with her primary doctors, get referrals, find specialists, run tests, wait for scans. It's all too much and it doesn't even feel like it's his life anymore. His problems from merely a few hours ago feel so insignificant now.
It's 2 AM and he refrains from calling Bahiyyih's company, she's on a cellphone ban until debut. Lea is out of the country at a song camp, he's too haggard to check the time zone difference. His father is God knows where. He's not going to take it well. The only person left is his grandmother, but she's old and frail. If she finds out her only daughter almost just died, she might die, too.
Kai thinks it's funny that he was about to willingly sign up for a war nobody wanted him to be a part of, when the one that was given him hours later was designed specifically to leave nothing behind.
It's now 9 AM and he's about to collapse in the waiting room. Time passes fast when your mother almost dies. 'I have to do this on my own, don't I?' he asks himself.
His phone rings and the most beautiful chocolate eyes are staring up at him. He remembers that day, they were taking silly pictures on Kai's new phone. Taehyun begged him to change it because it looked so unserious. Kai refused because Taehyun's natural cuteness soothed his nerves.
He hits decline.
Kai's having dinner with his dad, who is back to the country after one of his many trips. This time for good. However, this is a bit of a rare occurrence for the both of them because he's closer to his mom now. But it hasn't always been the case.
"What was I like as a kid?" Kai asks with genuine curiosity. He doesn't remember much of his childhood.
"You were a good kid. Passionate. Energetic. Curious." His father punctuates each word animatedly, like he's performing for the back row every time, "You've always loved music. I don't think any of us pictured you doing anything else. Actually, during your Doljabi celebration, when you turned one, you surprised us. It didn't make since until now."
"What? Did I pick a stethoscope?" Kai grimaces because everything he's learned about the medical world has been due to his mother's illness. He doesn't want that to be the rest of his life.
"No, Actually, you picked a book." His father suggests to all the books strewn about in his apartment, his bookshelf is overflowing and there's a bunch of unopened boxes containing even more books. "I mean, you don't even look like a musician off the bat. You always enjoyed reading, but never more than music."
"I don't feel the need to pick to be honest. I do music for school and work, so reading helps me unwind." He shrugs. Plus the more he reads, the bigger access he has to words and the better songs he can write.
"Your grandmother thought you were going to be a poet. Like Manhae or Kim Sowol. But songwriting is its own form of poetry as well. Though, I will say, your songs are a bit…" His hands make funny circular motions, like he's rubbing an invisible crystal ball.
"Boring? Depressing?" They both make the same expression and Kai's sporting blond hair now, so it looks like he's having a conversation with himself. His older sister, Lea, advised him to change up his style before coming back to university, but he just looks like his old man.
"I was gonna say love sick, but sure! What the hell." He goes back to slurping his noodles. Nobody said dinner had to be fancy.
"Well, those three depressing songs are paying both my rent and mom's hospital bills." If he has to use his trauma to be debt-free then so be it.
"I already told you, I can handle your mom's bills. All you have to do is focus on school now. At least you already have job experience. You've always been practical."
"Hmm, not much has changed then."
"When you were younger, you never asked for help. You still don't actually. Figuring out your needs is like pulling teeth."
"Ahh.." He stretches and smiles, "I just figure it out eventually, Dad."
"I know you do and I have faith in you. But you can ask for help, Son. You might not reach out to me first which hurts, not gonna lie. I hope there's other people in your life who you feel comfortable enough to go to." His father nods. So this is what he looks like when he's compromising.
"Dad," A beat of silence, "Why didn't you visit?"
"I couldn't bear to see your mother like that." He confesses.
"But you've been separated for years."
"Yeah. But. I still couldn't see her like that. She— I mean. I knew her when she was full of life. She always had a trip planned or a party to go to or a project to finish. I could barely keep up with her, she kicked my ass every single day. Would sign us up for hiking excursions or to volunteer at pet shelters. It was like she was having a competition with herself to see how much she could do in four short years. And then she became a mother." His father's posture stiffens.
Kai nods, "I don't take it personally. You both had lives before us."
"It just felt like the light left her eyes. You guys were great kids, but there were three of you. Everywhere. You'd be happy at the same time. Angry at the same time. Upset at the same time. For a second it's like you were triplets. I felt so guilty that I had to leave for work often. She never held me back, you know, we had to eat. I love you guys more than life itself, but we should have waited. We should have lived more. And I'll always carry that guilt with me. I feel like I took something away from her." His father is in tears by now. Kai hands him some napkins, making sure he didn't accidentally scribble any lyrics on them.
'Sometimes you can love someone so much that it makes you lonely,' He thinks of Those Winter Sundays, 'What did I know? What did I know of love's austere and lonely offices…'
"So that's why you fought so hard for our custody? You were giving her an out." He concludes. Usually it's the other way around. His family sure is unique.
"Yes, I wanted her to be happy. Free. To see her dream, not just as a dream, but as something she was meant to do all along. I forgot to factor in one huge detail, though."
"Which is?" Kai inquires, tilting his head.
"That she'd abandon everything to be your mother. The same way I sacrificed everything so that she could be free." His father smiles.
"So you guys were both idiots in love." Kai claps. He shakes his head in disbelief.
His father straightens up and slams his fist down, "Hey!" But it holds no malice, he rubs the table as if he were apologizing to it.
"It's okay, Dad. It's hereditary." Kai thinks about all the dumb things he's done for love. All the stupid words he's said. All the bridges he has burned. He truly is their son.
The dinner is much lighter after that. They video call his sisters who complain about being left out. Then they call his mom and Kai knows his dad will fall asleep on the couch. He gets him a cup of tea and a blanket.
The Huenings are a fun bunch.
Kai volunteered to be an accompanist for two of his juniors. They're two bright-eyed vocalists who throw themselves headfirst into their performances. They're auditioning for a musical which Kai only has a vague idea about. He's not much of a theater guy, honestly. It's kind of ironic because he lives and breathes music.
As soon as he finishes his classes, he makes his way uptown to the small indie label ran by Kim Namjoon. A senior that had long graduated by the time Kai was enrolled, but by a stroke of luck gave him a chance to show his skills to the world. The elder being a prodigy himself understood the pressure that came with it. Though, Kai doesn't consider himself a savant or anything, he just knew what he wanted to do from a young age. And as a child of divorced parents, they let him get away with everything.
"They're leaning towards something more lo-fi. Think Rad Museum. Think Sole. Think Junny." Namjoon explains.
"Okay, got it. This is just the toplining right?"
"Yes, don't be precious with it. Make it sound natural, I just need a melody for now. The lyrics can come later." He says and presses the buttons.
Kai slides into the booth, adjusts the mic for his height. This is the second building the company has and he finally doesn't have to hunch over to fit inside. Namjoon makes an 'okay' sign and by the first few seconds, he already knows who he's emulating.
This has a triple time signature, but it's bass heavy so he knows a catchy melody is child's play. By the third run, he's got it narrowed down more precisely, even got some words out in the process. He'll never sound like Taehyun, though. His runs are not as smooth, his vocals are built for rock anthems and bubble gum pop, but this is enough for now.
"That was awesome, man." Namjoon says into the headset, "Can you do it four more times just for shits and giggles?" The older man puts his hands together forming a triangle that makes him come off way more serious than he actually is. Producer mode.
Kai doesn't object. He tears the corners of the music sheet and rolls them into tiny pieces instead.
The force of gravity pulls Kai back into Taehyun's arms almost aggressively. Although he is larger in size, he feels small in his arms and lets himself get pulled deeper and deeper. They're turning on the soft snow as fast as one can when bundled up to oblivion.
They halt. The smaller boy beams above him, framed by the soft grey clouds. The rough texture of Taehyun's gloves hold Kai's face in captivity as he shakes his snow piled hair on the boy below him.
Kai doesn't really fight back, he waits for the boy to stop and get closer until he blows on the snow that fell on his lips. He closes his eyes and smiles prettily, gorgeous dimples forming on his cheeks. The most beautiful anomaly in the universe.
Something shoves him back. In a blink, he's being held against the wall. Beomgyu's tear-stricken face snarling up at him. Nobody has ever looked at him with more anger. You have no right. You have no right. Those words are tattooed behind his eyelids now. His mind won't liberate him.
The other's faces, even Taehyun's, form into something disgustingly unrecognizable. There's a monster in this room. Maybe it's him. Or maybe it's the place itself. So familiar and so foreign at once.
The wind sweeps the ceiling off, Kai looks up in awe, he feels that lump in his throat only the coldest of seasons can drag and he's back in Taehyun's arms again. He tries to draw him closer, but the older starts a tickle attack. Perhaps he's numbed by the frigid blanket underneath his body. You're hurting me now, Kai-yah. But Taehyun never said that to him, right?
He wants to cry but his body won't let him. He doesn't know why, something's lodged inside and no one else can pull it out. It's cold and it's hot. He's being pulled and pushed. He's home in Taehyun's arms in the snow on the mountains. He's breaking Beomgyu's heart in that rundown apartment that he too, once called home.
He's afraid to blink, but his eyes sting with tears. They're all unshed anyways. Maybe if he twists his body to free himself of the grip— but he doesn't want to be free? Does he? He twists and turns and stills in terror. There is no halo above Taehyun's head, yet he's still smiling. Promise me you'll stay? His lip is bitten raw. You're hurting me now, Kai-yah. His knuckles are white, he's working so hard.
THUD—
—
It's not often that he gets nightmares, but he does see Taehyun in his dreams from time to time. He doesn't want to scrutinize his subconscious desires. The whole thing can be summarized with one word: guilt.
The sounds of a body falling is too familiar to him now. It is wired in his nervous system to cool down, act fast and wait for help. All of his mother's episodes were sudden, rash. He used to sleep like the dead, but now any small sound awakens him.
Moving away from his mother's house after two years of spending every waking second together was hard. It wasn't even this hard when he went away for college. He trusts that his father is taking great care of her now, he spent six full months training him on how to act on the worse possible scenarios, but also to give her space to breathe.
The separation anxiety withered over the last few weeks, but he is still built to shut down and act.
At the start of the semester, they were moving instruments from the first level to the upper levels due to an incoming storm. Everything was going well until one of his classmates slipped and twisted his ankle. Naturally, he was first on the scene. Some people said he looked like a paramedic and others praised him for his attentiveness.
He couldn't shove the anxiety down so he invited the classmate for lunch. Even offered to take him home, but the latter declined. Everyone was a bit shocked because this 'new' Kai was quite stoic and aloof, but he was more grounded and earnest than before. Only Professor Min new the vague version for his absence, giving him more than enough time to adjust to being a full time student again.
It happened again, it was a female classmate this time. They went for smoothies on the quad. the worst part is that he can't even build the reputation of a player because everybody knows he's just too kind. Too much of a pushover.
He began to notice a pattern by the third time or was it the fourth? He isn't sure. It was a catch-22 situation because he can't stop his body from reacting the way it does now, but that reaction will keep him getting pushed around by his peers. Yet if he finds a way to completely ignore it, the anxiety will crush him inside.
Fuck it. A boy's gotta eat. Even if it costs him his dignity.
The spring semester ended with a whimper and not a bang. It's mid-July now and it's sweltering in Seoul. He's at a speakeasy event courtesy of Bahiyyih who couldn't make it due to an early flight.
He takes a Manhattan on the rocks and sucks on the cherry as he looks around the room. There's definitely people with industry connects in here, but also the unfortunate souls that don't want to die from the heatwave.
Songwriting is an individual process in the way that no two songs ever start the same, their foundations to be specific. Like tonight, for example, seems like the perfect ambiance to dance with a lover despite the humidity and stickiness of his clothes. One can only hope to have someone too close to make them forget about the melting of their skins.
Kai knows he's good-looking. He knows that the tilt of his head can make certain people's world's shift on their axis. A subtle palm on his cheek, the way his eyes glisten under the dimness of the room. A nose-scrunched smile that gives him that boyish aura. A phantom touch done too soon that leaves more to be desired.
The melody-less lyrics nag behind his ears and before he knows it, he's pulling words, scribbles honestly, of this daydream like night. This bores whoever it was he was talking to, but he doesn't care. This isn't a liminal space, there's people here, but why does it feel like he's being occupied for the first time in years? Like he's being seen. Lived in.
He's mindlessly writing while a strong scent of cypress and amber pine hit him. It's unfamiliar but nice, he merely glances at the man's hands before he dives back into his leather journal, not wanting to lose this spontaneous moment of inspiration.
"I'm sorry," He knows the man is trying to get his attention, "but I can't talk until I get this out of my system…" He susurrates. He doesn't hear anything other than the scrape of a stool. This is getting interesting.
i can see you in my memories / dance with me, dance with me, dance with me /
take one more chance on me, chance on me, chance on me /
i'm bleeding painfully, painfully, painfully /
you in the faded picture / and your gaze that erased me
He sounds them out, but not loud enough for the other to hear. And if he does, it doesn't show. He's filled up two pages of loosely-related rhymes until he hears a familiar giggle. An unmistakable sound.
Blame it on the alcohol or the lights or the almost-nightmare that shook him to his core or the longing that gnaws on him like a parasite or even the fact that the 'you' in his journals can be narrowed down to one name. Three syllables.
Kang Taehyun in the flesh, older and far more beautiful. His eyes behold a sharpness some like to call wisdom, some like to call wonder. The gorgeous slope of his nose that meets his perfectly balanced lips. His cheekbones and jawline that were once chiseled out by a novice apprentice, now make utmost sense weathered by the passage of time and the mysteries of distance.
Kai forgot how much it burns to be close to him.
The knowledge that his almost-lover, doomed muse, his best friend at one point— was out there getting more beautiful every day— it pulverized him.
"Kai-yah…" Taehyun murmurs softly, like saying his name any louder would break the little bubble they've created in this already little place.
When does a war end?
But he can't say anything back. He's holding his breath.
When can I say your name and have it mean only your name…
Taehyun leans closer, holding Kai's left bicep in place so as to trap him in a trance. It almost works. They're almost close enough to melt. Not parted by the intervals of space between them and words unsaid. Like two living, breathing ends of a wound striding towards each other, opening up once again to bleed on the table.
…And not what you left behind?
He bolts.