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Regulus Black had made several questionable decisions in his life, agreeing to marry James Potter had, at the time, been one of them, and agreeing to own a cream colored sofa with a man who ate crisps like he was auditioning for a vacuum commercial had been another.
But tonight? Tonight was a new level of poor life choices.
He was live on TikTok. And not just any live, but a listening party live.
“Say it.” James demanded from the other end of the couch, grinning like an excited child waiting for cake. “Tell them what we’re doing, Reggie.”
Regulus adjusted the phone stand on the coffee table, tucking one leg beneath him. “Fine. Good evening, everyone. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but we’re doing a full listen of Taylor Swift’s new album, The Life of a Showgirl.”
There was a flurry of hearts across the screen. Thousands of people were already tuned in.
He continued grimly. “I’m doing this against my will. My husband, however–”
“Is thrilled!” James interrupted, scooting into frame with a wide grin, hair sticking up in five different directions. “You can’t resist the cultural moment, love. We’re Swifties tonight!”
“I’m a hostage.” Regulus said flatly.
James reached over and pinched his cheek affectionately. “You’re my favorite hostage.”
In the corner of the screen, the comments were flying.
“SIRIUS IS HERE OMG”
“James looks like he pregamed with espresso.”
“Reg looks so done already”
“Alright.” Regulus sighed. “Track one: The Fate of Ophelia. May Shakespeare forgive us all.”
He tapped play.
The opening chords were upbeat and soft as falling petals. James immediately swayed.
“Oh, it’s pretty.” James murmured, tilting his head. “It sounds like… like the perfect song to dance to.”
“Fantastic.” Regulus deadpanned. “Let’s see what happens.”
A few lines in, Taylor’s voice lilting about “if you never come for me, I’d drown myself in melancholy,” Regulus’s brow furrowed. “Why does it sound like she didn’t get the Ophelia story right?”
James snorted, while dancing on beat. “It’s artistic, love.”
“It’s derivative.” Regulus countered. “Also, Ophelia’s fate was chosen by Ophelia herself. It’s supposed to be empowering, not… a love song.”
The comments went wild:
“Reg, pls, let us enjoy it :(”
“He’s right though ‘Your vibes’ in the chorus??”
“James vibing like he’s never heard criticism in his life”
Sirius appeared, as always, uninvited but enthusiastic:
“This is the best live I’ve ever watched. Reg being tortured while James is vibing.”
Regulus sighed through his nose. “I’m turning the comments off if my brother keeps breathing in them.”
James, unfazed, started humming along, dramatically clutching his chest. “She’s saying ‘And if you never come for me, I might’ve lingered in purgatory’ That’s deep.”
“That’s therapy bait.” Regulus muttered.
He paused the song at the final note. “Verdict: five stars. Pretty production, unhinged metaphors, but still catchy beat. Could’ve been worse.”
James grinned. “I’m giving it a solid ten out of ten!”
“Of course you are.”
Track Two: “Elizabeth Taylor”
“Oh, I love this title.” James said, immediately sitting up straighter. “So glamorous.”
“Mm.” Regulus hummed skeptically, sipping his iced tea. “Let’s see if she does the icon justice.”
By the first chorus, a dramatic wail about “I’d cry my eyes violet”, Regulus froze mid sip.
“Oh no.” he said softly. “She’s doing symbolism. Badly.”
James burst out laughing. “You’re impossible!”
“She’s mixing nonsensical metaphors. This is lyrical whiplash.”
“I think it’s cute!”
“You think everything’s cute.” Regulus reminded him, eyes flicking over James’s grin. It was, annoyingly, a cute grin.
The comments agreed with both sides in equal measure.
“Reg is so real for hating the poor methaphore.”
“James is me when I listen to anything with sparkles.”
“Evan says he wants the instrumental only.”
“Evan’s right.” Regulus said aloud, scanning the flood. “Strip the lyrics, keep the beat. I could live with that.”
James threw an arm around his shoulders and shook him gently. “Come on, you’re smiling. You like it a little.”
“I’m smiling because you’re ridiculous.” Regulus corrected, but didn’t move away.
Track Three: “Opalite”
Regulus already looked wary when the intro started, soft, ethereal, almost too pretty. Like the audio equivalent of a Pinterest board titled healing era.
“Oh no.” He muttered. “I know this vibe. This is the ‘I’m getting married and I’m fresh out of therapy’ song.”
James was bopping his head already. “It’s so sparkly though!”
“James, she just said ‘don’t we try to love love’.” Regulus pressed two fingers to his temple. “I think my IQ just dropped three points.”
“She’s reclaiming her shine!” James defended, throwing a hand up like he was in court. “Like an opal! An opalite! You know, fragile but glowy!”
Regulus side eyed him. “You’re fragile and glowy.”
“Thank you.” James said proudly.
The lyrics swelled, “it’s alright / you were dancing through the lightning strikes / sleepless in the onyx night.” and Regulus physically cringed.
“Why does she write like she’s haunting her own poetry slam?”
The live chat was screaming:
“NOT ‘haunting her own poetry slam’.”
“regulus be serious she’s trying her best”
“this is my FAVORITE track!”
“james get him under control pls”
“Okay, but–” James pointed at the speaker, eyes bright. “This bridge? This bridge slaps.”
And indeed, the bridge was catchy, lush harmonies, swelling synths, the kind of chorus that sounded like twirling under LED lights in your bedroom. James was doing exactly that, spinning dramatically with his arms out.
Regulus, on the other hand, looked like he’d just bitten into an unripe lemon. “It’s giving… kid’s party anthem.”
James clutched his chest. “How dare you! This is transcendence, Reg. You gotta feel it in your soul!”
“My soul has taste.”
“Your soul has a stick up its–”
“James.”
“–sweater.” He finished quickly, grinning. “Stick up its sweater.”
Regulus sighed, dragging a hand over his face. “This is why I don’t do reaction videos. It’s bad for my blood pressure.”
“Baby, you love it.” James teased, leaning over to kiss his cheek. “You live for the drama.”
Regulus stared straight into the camera. “I live despite the drama.”
The chat was losing it:
“HE SAID WHAT HE SAID!!!!!!!”
“nah bc opalite is peak taylor u just don’t get it”
“james is right this slaps”
“someone get regulus a stress ball”
As the track faded, Regulus leaned back, muttering. “Opalite… I think she named it after the rock because it’s emotionally hollow.”
James gasped. “You’re gonna get us canceled!”
“Good. Maybe then I’ll get some peace.”
Track Four: “Father Figure”
“Oh, this one sounds controversial.” Regulus murmured, already frowning. “But it’s a bit repetitive, no?”
“What?” James asked, turning up the volume. “Oh! Oh, is this… is she– is that George Michael?”
“Interpolated.” Regulus said grimly. “Which is Latin for ‘I’m about to commit artistic theft.’”
James cackled. “No, listen, the beat’s kind of sexy–”
“James.” Regulus warned. “Don’t you dare say that about a song referencing being a father figure.”
“I didn’t mean it like that!” James laughed so hard he nearly tipped his drink. “Oh my god, you’re evil.”
“Taylor’s evil.” Regulus corrected. “I’m just the messenger.”
The comments spiraled instantly:
“THE TENSION.”
“Sirius: ‘Not him dragging Taylor mid-song’”
“Barty says this track is therapycore”
Regulus pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m starting to suspect Barty doesn’t know what therapy is.”
James leaned in, brushing a kiss to his temple. “You’re adorable when you’re suffering.”
“Mm. I’m aware.”
Track Five: “Eldest Daughter”
“Ah.” Regulus sighed. “A relatable one at last.”
James gave him a look. “You’re not the eldest sibling.”
“I am spiritually.”
The lyrics, however, didn’t really seem to be talking about being an eldest daughter. Regulus frowned along, arms crossed. “What the hell is she talking about?”
James blinked. “‘Everybody’s so punk on the internet / every joke is just trolling and memes’.”
“If I thought the other ones were bad, this one is atrocious.” Regulus said, mouth hanging open. “She just said she’s not a bad bitch and this isn’t savage.”
James reached for his hand. “Well… I mean, it’s funny.” He chucked.
“Divorce.” Regulus said instantly.
Track six: Ruin the Friendship
By track six, Regulus was visibly bracing himself. One hand on his drink, the other hovering near the skip button, just in case Taylor decided to rhyme “car” with “bar”.
But when the song started, steady rhythm, he didn’t cringe. He blinked. Tilted his head a little.
“Oh.” he said, surprised. “This one’s… not terrible.”
James gasped, hand to chest like he’d just witnessed a miracle. “Did you just say–?”
“Don’t make it weird.” Regulus warned. “I said not terrible, not good.”
Still, as the verse went on, soft confessions, that kind of sad smile in a song vibe, Regulus’ shoulders relaxed.
“She’s reminiscing.” James whispered dramatically, leaning closer. “Lost love. Lost time.”
Regulus sipped his drink. “Mmm. It’s very… wistful. Understated. No metaphors about chandeliers and glitter. I can respect that.”
James snorted. “You have a heart after all.”
“Barely.” Regulus muttered. “But this one’s… okay. She sounds sincere. Not like she’s performing vulnerability for engagement.”
The chorus swelled. “It was not convenient, no / But I whispered at the grave / ‘Should’ve kissed you anyway.’” and James quietly hummed along, smiling.
Regulus side eyed him. “You’re thinking about us, aren’t you.”
James grinned. “Obviously. I’d ruin so many friendships for you.”
“You did ruin one.” Regulus said dryly. “Yours and Sirius’s.”
“Worth it.” James said, and kissed his cheek.
Regulus rolled his eyes, but a smile tugged at his mouth anyway.
The chat was melting:
“THEY’RE SO CUTEEE”
“REGULUS SAID IT’S NOT TERRIBLE THAT’S A WIN”
“we got him yall”
“JAMES ‘I’D RUIN SO MANY FRIENDSHIPS FOR YOU’ POTTER”
As the track faded, Regulus sighed softly. “Okay. Fine. This one’s… okay. I’d listen again. Maybe. If I was forced.”
James beamed. “High praise!”
“Moderate praise.” Regulus corrected. “She gets one point for this. One.”
James whispered to the camera, “That’s like a Grammy in Regulus speak.”
Regulus elbowed him. “Next song before I change my mind.”
Track Seven: “Actually Romantic”
By this point, James was fully horizontal, head in Regulus’s lap, mouthing the lyrics and tapping rhythm on his thigh.
“It’s sweet!” James insisted as Regulus scoffed. “She’s saying, like, you’re so obsessed with me and that’s cute.”
Regulus raised an eyebrow. “I appreciate the sentiment. The execution, however, sounds like a Hallmark ad.”
“I’m ignoring you.”
“You always do.”
James grinned up at him. “Still love you though.”
Regulus paused, heartbeat softening. “I know.” He murmured, brushing hair from James’s forehead. “Tragic, isn’t it?”
The comments collectively melted.
“STOP YOU’RE SO CUTE”
“Sirius: I take it back, marriage suits you freaks”
“Remus: I’m sobbing into my tea.”
Regulus ignored them all, though his mouth curved.
Track eight: “Wish List”
As the opening notes of “Wish List” filled the room, Regulus raised an eyebrow. The song began with a playful tone, listing extravagant desires. “That yacht life, under chopper blades / those bright lights and Balenci’ shades.” and even a “Palme d’Or”. James, ever the optimist, grinned. “Sounds like a dream, huh?”
Regulus smirked. “A nightmare, maybe. But go on.”
The mood shifted as Taylor’s voice softened. “I just want you / Have a couple kids / Got the whole block looking like you.” Regulus paused, clearly weirded out by the chorus. “Well, that’s… unexpected.”
James leaned in, nudging him. “Not everything’s about the glitz and glam.”
Regulus sighed. “Fine, it’s a decent sentiment. But then she had to go and ruin it with ‘the whole block looking like you.’ What does that even mean?”
James chuckled. “Maybe she just wants a neighborhood full of people who look like her partner.”
Regulus shook his head. “It’s a metaphor, a bad one. Sounds a bit eugenistic to be honest.”
Despite his critique, Regulus couldn’t help but feel a warmth from the song’s genuine longing for a simple, shared life. “Alright, alright.” He conceded. “It’s not the worst track. But she still lost me at the block part.”
James smiled, leaning back. “Progress.”
Track Nine: “Wood”
“James.” Regulus said halfway through the verse, face blank. “She did not just say that.”
James sat up, choking on air. “OH MY GOD–”
“Explicit content warning, my god!” Regulus threw his hands up. “She’s abandoned metaphor entirely! We’re in the lumber aisle of innuendo!”
James was howling. “It’s– it’s funny!”
“It’s obscene!”
“You love obscene!”
“I love tasteful obscene!”
The comments were in absolute chaos:
“REGULUS BLUSHING OMGGG”
“Evan: this song is a masterpiece.”
“Sirius: put headphones on I’m in public”
James leaned close, whispering. “You’re red.”
“Of embarrassment. That’s so fucking cringe.”
Track Ten: “Cancelled!”
“This one’s going to be messy.” Regulus predicted.
The chorus hit, Taylor singing “did you girlboss too close to the sun.”
Regulus froze. “Oh. Oh, that’s so bad.”
James winced. “Okay, yeah, that lyric’s… something.”
“She said ‘girlboss’ and then ‘welcome to my underworld where it gets quite dark.’ James. Is she thirty five or fifteen?”
James wheezed laughter. “Okay, it sounds tacky”
“I rest my case.”
By “Honey” Regulus had slumped against James’s shoulder, voice soft but still cutting. “I really hate the words she’s using, it sounds so bleak. I’m calling the Oxford dictionary and filing a complaint.”
James kissed the top of his head. “You’re enjoying yourself.”
“I’m suffering stylishly.”
Final Track: “The Life of a Showgirl” (feat. Sabrina Carpenter)
As the outro faded, Regulus sat silently for a long moment.
“Well?” James prompted, grinning.
Regulus sighed. “It’s… not atrocious. Sabrina saves it.”
“Ha!”
“It’s indulgent, clumsy, and occasionally fun. Like watching a generic pop song doing the bare minimum.”
James chuckled. “So… seven out of ten?”
“Four.” Regulus corrected. “And that’s generous.”
James looped an arm around him, pulling him close. “I love you, even when you’re wrong.”
“I’m never wrong.” Regulus said primly, leaning into his side anyway.
The comments erupted again, full of declarations of love, laughter and demands for more. Sirius typed something unintelligible about “marital chaos”.
Regulus glanced at the screen, then back at James. “Well. That was a disaster.”
“Best disaster ever.” James said, beaming.
“Mm. You’re insufferable.”
“You married me.”
“I was young. And foolish.”
“And in love.”
Regulus hesitated, then smiled softly. “Still am.”
James blinked, startled, before his grin returned, brighter. “Oh, that’s going on a t-shirt.”
Regulus rolled his eyes. “Goodnight, internet. Go touch some grass. And may Taylor Swift guide you to better lyrics.”
He ended the live.
James immediately turned to him, eyes shining. “Admit it, you had fun.”
Regulus crossed his arms. “Fun is a strong word.”
“You smiled!”
“I was grimacing.”
“You laughed!”
“At you, not the album.”
“Still counts.”
Regulus sighed dramatically, then leaned forward, kissing him quick and soft. “Fine. Maybe I had fun, but just a little.”
James’s grin could’ve powered the national grid. “Told you. Swifties win again.”
“Don’t push it.”
They curled back into the couch, the phone screen dimming, the soft glow of the living room wrapping around them.
Regulus rested his head on James’s shoulder, muttering, “Next time, we’re listening to Lana.”
James grinned. “Deal. But only if we can dance.”
“Fine.” Regulus murmured, eyes fluttering shut. “But if you sing, I’m filing for divorce.”
“Fair enough, love. Fair enough.”
A few hours later…
The internet was on fire. Like, actual flames.
Clips of Regulus rolling his eyes so hard he nearly saw his brain during “Cancelled” were everywhere. Every corner of TikTok, Twitter, Instagram, someone had changed the song and put other atrocious ones on top of it instead, slowed them down with dramatic captions, even autotuned his exasperated “you’re still talking about high school? Be for real! Grow up!” into a trending audio.
Meanwhile, James’ dorky little shoulder dance to the chorus of “The Fate of Ophelia” had been crowned the “Showgirl Dance.” Everyone was doing it. Everyone.
And Regulus? Oh, he was Public Enemy No. 1 on SwiftTok.
“Do you think we should… say something?” James asked, balancing a bowl of popcorn on his lap, scrolling through thousands of videos using the audio of Regulus’ dramatic sigh.
Regulus didn’t even look up from his phone. “I think people should learn to have better taste. And maybe hobbies.”
“Baby, you are their hobby now.” James said cheerfully.
Regulus gave him a long, deadpan stare. “Wonderful. My legacy.”
Still, after Sirius texted “u trending again bro.” and Barty sent a voice note crying with laughter, Regulus knew he had to at least pretend to care. The internet expected an acknowledgment. Not an apology, Merlin forbid, but something.
So, he did what any sane, chronically online adult would do. He set up his tripod in the kitchen, wore his comfiest sweater, and dragged James into frame because apparently, being adorable softened public outrage.
“Okay.” Regulus started, the tone of a man being held hostage by PR. “So. Some of you have… feelings about my opinions on The Life of a Showgirl.”
James waved to the camera. “Hi! We love you, Swifties!”
Regulus blinked slowly, like a cat debating violence. “We do not.”
“Baby–”
“Anyway.” Regulus continued, “I would just like to clarify that I don’t hate Taylor Swift. I simply hate… this album. Which is different.”
“Very different.” James nodded seriously, stealing a handful of popcorn.
“And I think it’s perfectly reasonable to acknowledge that not every piece of art made by a millionaire pop star is a masterpiece. Some are just–” He gestured vaguely. “bad. And that’s okay. Growth happens.”
James coughed pointedly. “You told me the album made you want to file for divorce.”
“Context, James.” Regulus glared at him. “It was hyperbole.”
A pause.
“…Mostly.”
The comments were already flooding in, floating across the screen:
“THIS IS WORSE THAN KANYE”
“he’s so unserious”
“regulus is right actually but i’m scared to say it”
“JAMES IS TOO CUTE I CAN’T”
“showgirl dance supremacy!!”
Regulus sighed. “Look, if you enjoyed it, that’s great. Art is subjective. Taste, however, is not.”
James leaned in, grinning. “He means he loves it though.”
“I mean I tolerate it.” Regulus corrected, and turned off the live.
“Love.” James said after a beat. “You know this live is going to make them even madder, right?”
Regulus shrugged, picking up his mug of tea. “Good. Maybe then they’ll stream something else.”
“Like what?”
“Reputation. Obviously.”