Chapter Text
007n7 let out a quivering breath as he pulled his hand out of his pants.
Fuck. It’s been years. This is fucking pathetic.
He felt sick, he stayed laying in his bed, yearning for something. He didn’t know what anymore. Love, help, pain, something.
Love. He missed Noli. He really missed how close they were and how they would hug him so tightly and laugh with him.
Help. He wanted someone to help him. Someone to talk to about the pain. Someone to understand. Someone to know how it felt.
Pain. Part of him felt like he wanted it again. Wanting to be assaulted again. To hurt himself maybe. Part of him wished someone he loved hurt him, like Noli. That was the disgusting part to him at least.
He’d probably pick pain anyway. All he could do right now. He felt lightheaded, dizzy. He wanted to puke. He hated these STUPID fucking cabins. He hated how they all left him alone. No one knew but he didn’t actually like solitude. Far from it.
He grabbed the razor from inside his pillowcase. Sometimes he thought the thing that was running this hell wanted him to do this, being the reason why he even had the blade in the first place. Part of him started to get turned on again at the thought. Fucking disgusting.
He held the blade to his already cut up wrist and dragged it along, biting his lip, shaking from the intense pain.
“S-shh1t…” He whimpered out. His eyes rolled back. Why did he like this? He was a sick, sick fuck wasn’t he?
His mind started to drift onto other horrible things he thought about while he slit, fantasies of wanting to hurt and touch his loved ones, even friends, anyone. It was disgusting. He knew he would never ever do that to anyone though but it felt so wrong. He never wanted anyone to go through what he did.
The thought of hurting Noli, hurting his son even. God it made him sick. He didn’t even like things like that. Which was a good sign to him at least a little.
He refocused on what he was doing when he hit particularly deep, too deep.
“F-FUCKK—!”
He jolted and pulled back, letting out a loud swear and staring down at what he had done horrified. He was too loud. Way too loud. Someone could’ve heard that. They hated him but maybe they would check. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. FUCK!! He was an IDIOT!!
The pain really set in and he started to cry, he felt so stupid. Stupid for crying, stupid for doing this in the first place. He cut so deep the bleeding wouldn’t stop. He probably hit his bone or something. His arm and hand was covered in blood and he had dropped the blade on the floor.
He rushed to the bathroom, grabbing the medkit reluctantly, not wanting to have to try and close the wound. Usually he’d just let the blood seal it closed, but this was bad, REALLY BAD. He couldn’t risk it especially with a cut this big. Even if it would’ve healed by itself without assist it was fucking huge. What the fuck had he done.
He hated everything, hated this stupid body, hated his stupidity, hated his stupid decisions. Everything was so dumb. For being such a ‘genius’ to everyone in the past he really was a fucking idiot.
He felt dirty, his mind was racing. He couldn’t get his mind off of what had happened in the past. The past pain he couldn’t wish away. Pain that kept him up. Pain that tore him away from what he once had. Pain that haunts that innocent smile of his son. Pain that haunts the people he has to look at every single fucking day in this hell. Horrible.
He couldn’t get the taste of his name off his mouth. That admin. How foolish he was in college.
#######.
He didn’t want to even think of the name. It makes him want to puke.
He cried harder thinking about Noli and c00lkidd. God. Noli never knew. He never told him what happened. He just left. He wishes he told Noli. Noli would’ve helped. Noli would’ve helped all the pain. Helped him carry it. And c00lkidd. His beautiful son. He wished maybe c00lkidd could’ve been Noli’s. So then he wouldn’t have to look at those WINGS. Those wings were a reminder. Reminder of who was really the one who did it. It made him feel sick.
Maybe it would get better later.