Chapter Text
Wilhelm
Wilhelm hadn’t planned for any of this to happen.
When his friend Noel had told him that he had been seeing someone, he had been happy for him. They’d known each other since they were kids, and together they had gone through first loves and break ups, through summer flings and sexuality crises, never really hiding parts of themselves or keeping secrets from one another.
Well – this latter statement hasn’t been true for Wilhelm for the past couple of months.
It hadn’t really been his intention to keep things from one of his oldest and closest friends, but is it really wrong to lie when telling the truth could hurt the other person even more than an omission ever could? Is it wrong to keep something to yourself when years and years of friendship are at stake? Or when, despite what your heart begs you to say and do, your mind stops you from acting on impulse and making bad decisions anyway?
Wilhelm still doesn’t have a clear answer to those questions. What he knows for sure, though, is that guilt is eating him alive and he’s being consumed by his own thoughts, all because of a godforsaken crush he has developed for his friend’s current boyfriend.
From the moment he had met Simon during a night out, Wilhelm had instantly known he was in trouble. The boy had shown up with Noel, who had introduced him to their group only by his name, because by then everybody knew all about the guy he had been seeing and couldn’t shut up about. Meeting him that night, Wilhelm suddenly understood why.
There was something about Simon that was so fascinating, even though Wilhelm couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was. It was probably the endearing deep brown eyes and sweet smile, or maybe his shyness when confronted with his friends – who Wilhelm knows all too well can be a little too much at times. It may have been the way he mostly kept to himself at the beginning but slowly started to warm up to all of them as the night went on, or the way his laugh always sounded genuine even when someone said something that wasn’t really that funny at all.
Wilhelm doesn’t know what it is about Simon that had him fall under his spell so hard and fast; all he knows is that, when he went home that night, he had a new itch he knew he couldn’t scratch and his thoughts were a jumbled up mess.
It has now been a few weeks since that night, and Simon has been present during most of their hang outs that happened since. Wilhelm had hoped that by seeing him more often he would sooner or later get used to his presence, like some sort of exposure therapy that would help him become unaffected by the boy’s natural charm and pretty face.
Oh, Wilhelm had been so wrong.
He believes there must be some sort of higher entity playing with him from above, because there’s no other explanation to the fact that, out of all the people in their group, Simon somehow decided that Wilhelm is the person he feels the most comfortable with beside, of course, Noel.
It had all started one evening when they had all been hanging out at Felice’s for movie night and Wilhelm had jokingly suggested they watch a horror movie, knowing full well how much his friends despise the genre; as it turns out, though, Simon loves them just as much as he does, as confirmed by the small gasp and the excited, “Yes!” he had let out while everyone else groaned and promptly told Wilhelm to shut up. They had ended up choosing another boring rom com like they did most of the times, but while they waited for the pizzas they ordered to be delivered before starting it, Simon had sat down next to him on the couch and asked him about his favorite horror movies.
That simple conversation had been it, for Wilhelm. While until then he had done his best to keep his distance from the guy, after that night he had just said: Fuck it.
Because talking to Simon had been so damn easy. Wilhelm had loved listening to him excitedly tell him all the fun facts he knew about the Saw franchise, or that Hereditary is the best horror movie released in recent years. He had thoroughly enjoyed watching Simon gesticulate way too much while speaking without probably even being aware of it, and had admired his ability to seamlessly go from one topic to the next without awkward pauses or weird deflections.
Wilhelm has never really been a good conversationalist – not with people he doesn’t know very well, anyway. Nevertheless, for the entirety of their conversation, there hadn’t been a single moment in which Wilhelm had felt the need to flee or to fill in rare silences with something to say, and that realization alone had been absolutely earth-shattering for him.
Starting from that night, Wilhelm has therefore stopped fighting the obvious attraction he feels for his friend’s boyfriend. He’s probably a masochist for allowing himself to fully embrace his rapidly growing feelings for Simon instead of suppressing them before the situation gets completely out of control, but the more time he spends with the boy, the more he can’t bring himself to care about the consequences of his irresponsibility – even if that means going home a little more heartbroken every single time they meet.
Even tonight, as Simon and Noel arrive holding hands at the bar they’re meeting at for karaoke night, Wilhelm feels the by now familiar sensation of his heart squeezing painfully in his chest, but still greets them both with a big smile on his face and quick hugs. Simon sits next to him like he so often does, and for just a moment Wilhelm allows himself to pretend that they’re here together and that the boy’s actual boyfriend isn’t occupying the seat on his other side.
“So who’s going up there first?” Felice asks excitedly after they’ve ordered their drinks. Simon only ordered a cola like he usually does, and they’ve hung out enough times now that Wilhelm can confidently say that he most probably doesn’t drink alcohol at all.
“I don’t know why you bother asking when you’re the only one that gets up there while still sober,” Henry points out, making Felice throw her head back and groan.
“You’re all so boring!” the girl accuses them. She looks around the table until her eyes land on Wilhelm. “Come on, Wille, let’s do a duet!”
“Are you out of your mind?” He snorts. “I barely sing when I’m drunk.”
“And that’s already bad enough,” Noel jokingly comments, making the entire group laugh.
“Excuse me?” Wilhelm says in mock offense. “I have the voice of an angel, thank you very much.”
“Yeah, a dying angel, maybe,” Maddie interjects under her breath.
Wilhelm’s about to retort, but the boy next to him precedes him.
“I’m sure you have a nice enough singing voice,” Simon says, placing a comforting hand on his arm. Tingles immediately spread through Wilhelm’s body from the point of contact and he’s suddenly at a complete loss for words.
“No, babe, I promise,” Noel says with a chuckle. “He’s so bad that someone threw a nugget at him while he was on stage, once.”
Everyone laughs again as they remember that unfortunate incident, Simon turns towards him and scrunches up his nose while hiding a smile. “Is it true?”
“Well, yes,” Wilhelm admits. “In my defense, though, I had a cold that night.”
“What about all the other terrible performances, then?” Henry teases him.
“Shut up, you’re just as bad as I am!”
“We should sing something together,” Simon suggests before Henry can reply. When Wilhelm abruptly looks at him again, he just shrugs. “Prove them wrong, you know?”
Wilhelm knows he should say no – not only because he really is godawful at karaoke, but also because he just said no to Felice, so agreeing to sing with Simon just because he asked would be a tiny bit too obvious. Still, as Simon keeps looking at him with those beautiful doe eyes of his and a hopeful smile on his full lips, he knows full well that he will do anything he asks of him.
After all, he’s still just a man.
“I choose the song, though,” he relents then, hating himself a little bit for being so damn weak. “If I have to embarrass myself, I want to do it singing a song that I like.”
Simon chuckles but nods as he gets up from his chair, Wilhelm follows suit among gasps and boos from his friends.
“You said no to me!” Felice points out, a hand on her chest for dramatic purposes.
“You didn’t defend me while everyone else was attacking me, so,” he jokingly replies with a shrug. He doesn’t miss the weird look Felice gives him, but decides that, for everyone’s sake, it’s better for him to ignore it and just follow Simon towards the side stage.
They go through the song book while someone else performs a terrible rendition of ‘Careless Whisper’, holding back their laughs as their eyes meet when the guy tries and fails to reach a particularly high note.
“No George Michael for us, he’s already being tortured enough,” Wilhelm jokingly whispers, making Simon giggle.
“Yeah, let’s leave him alone for tonight,” the boy agrees, flipping another page of the book. “Oh! I love ‘Endless Love’. What do you think?”
“Simon,” Wilhelm says patiently, making the other look up, “The guys weren’t lying when they said that I can’t sing for shit.”
Simon holds back a grin. “So you really are that bad?”
Wilhelm drops his jaw in mock offense. “I may not be good, but ‘Endless Love’ is not the easiest song to sing, either!”
The boy throws his head back as he laughs, and Wilhelm is one second away from telling him that as long as he keeps laughing like that, he’s willing to sing whatever he wants and to embarrass himself for the rest of the night.
“Okay, okay,” Simon says then, shaking his head with a smile still curving his lips as he goes back to flipping the pages of the book. “What about something from a musical? Like from The Greatest Showman or Grease or something?”
“I haven’t watched The Greatest Showman.”
“What?” Simon looks at him as if he’s just admitted to something absolutely horrible. “How’s that even possible? It was everywhere, a few years ago!”
“I don’t know, I'm not really into musicals, I guess,” Wilhelm admits with a shrug. “I have watched Grease, though.”
For a second it looks like Simon wants to say something else about the fact that he has never watched that particular movie, but he eventually decides to drop it. Wilhelm finds his passion for movies he likes so goddamn endearing that he would probably not even care if Simon went on and on about them for the rest of the evening, but to preserve a little bit of the dignity he still has left, he doesn’t say anything at all.
“So you know ‘You’re the One That I Want’, right?” Simon asks instead. “We could do that one.”
Wilhelm kind of wants to laugh and cry at the same time at the song choice. However, they’ve been debating about what to sing for long enough and the guy murdering ‘Careless Whisper’ has long left the stage, so he just relents. “Yeah, let’s do it.”
Simon’s smile is almost blinding as he closes the book and tells their song choice to the guy in charge of the music, motioning then for Wilhelm to follow him up on the small stage. They decide that Wilhelm will sing John Travolta’s parts while Simon will take on Olivia Newton-John’s, then the music fills the room and Wilhelm starts to sing.
His performance is in no way, shape or form better than any of the ones he’s delivered in the past, but he doesn’t even care when, as soon as Simon joins him, he reveals an angelic voice that maybe Wilhelm should’ve expected from him. It’s also not easy for him to remain concentrated on his own vocals when Simon’s looking directly at him as he beautifully sings lines such as I need a man and my heart is set on you, or repeats the title of the song over and over again – which is something he also should’ve expected when he agreed to sing this particular song.
By the time they reach the last chorus, though, Wilhelm’s having so much fun and feels so intoxicated by the little giggles Simon lets out into the microphone as they both exaggerate the ooh, ooh, oohs that he truly believes he could do this all night and not feel an ounce of shame. However, as the song comes to an end and they’re flooded by whoops and cheers mostly coming from their friends, Simon throws his arms around his neck to hug him and suddenly Wilhelm’s lungs don’t even hold enough air to breathe, let alone sing.
“That was so good!” Simon excitedly says, letting him go far too quickly for Wilhelm’s liking. “You're not that bad!”
“You’re obviously lying, but thank you,” he says with a chuckle as they both step off the stage, leaving room for the next brave person in line. “I didn’t know you could sing, though. You’re incredible.”
Simon smiles shyly at the compliment. “I used to be in a choir when I was in school,” he reveals casually. “I only sing for fun now, but I still really enjoy it.”
“What do you study?”
Somehow, the topic has never come up. He knows Simon is in university because one of the first times he joined one of their nights out he and Noel left quite early because they both had early classes the next morning, but Wilhelm never properly talked to him about it.
“Musicology,” Simon reveals, and – yeah, it makes so much more sense that he can sing like that, now. “It’s more theoretical than practical though, so I don’t really sing much there.”
“What do you want to do after uni?”
Wilhelm notices that they’ve both slowed down so as to not reach their table just yet, but doesn’t do or say anything to point it out. Every second he gets alone with Simon is precious, to him, so he will cherish it as much as he can.
“I always wanted to be a teacher,” Simon replies, smiling up at Wilhelm. “I’m pretty good with children, and I like teaching stuff to people. I feel like I could be okay at it.”
And, yes, Wilhelm could definitely see it. He could see Simon, with his gentle manners and sweet voice, teaching children about music and making them fall in love with it. Wilhelm himself has never been a particularly musical person, but under Simon's guide he could definitely learn to love the art much more than he does now.
Or maybe he’s just terribly down bad for him, who the fuck even knows at this point.
“I think you’ll be a great teacher,” Wilhelm says then, really meaning it. The way Simon blushes, he must understand it too.
“Thank you. What do you want to do after uni?”
Wilhelm shrugs. “I’m studying literature, but I don’t want to be a teacher. I don’t think I’d be really good at it.” Feeling his cheeks grow a little warmer, he admits, “I actually always wanted to own a book café. Like, a cozy place where people can come and read a book or study while also drinking coffee or tea, you know? Something like that.” When he turns towards Simon, the way he’s looking at him makes him blush even more. “I know it’s not a real plan for the future, but–”
“Why not? It’s very cool,” Simon interrupts him right away. “I sometimes go to a book café to study for exams. I love them so much, so I’d definitely be a customer.”
The sweet smile on the boy’s lips makes Wilhelm’s heart thump against his ribcage. “I’m counting on that.”
Simon chuckles and shakes his head, then walks in front of him to reach their table. As soon as he does, Noel gets up to wrap him in his arms and to congratulate him on the performance, making Simon giggle adorably as he jokingly complains about his boyfriend holding him too tight; nevertheless, he still winds his arms around his neck and kisses him softly a few times, smiling as Noel whispers something only for him to hear.
That whole scene happening right in front of his eyes is like a cold shower, for Wilhelm. He had somehow forgotten for a while that it’s all in his head, that the way he feels about Simon is not reciprocated and that whatever connection he sometimes thinks they have is purely platonic. For a few minutes, he had forgotten all about Simon being in a relationship with one of his closest friends – which, alone, should be a big enough reason to stop this madness and leave them the fuck alone.
With the excuse of saying something to Henry, Wilhelm sits on the opposite side of the long table, as far away from Simon and Noel as he possibly can. Still, he can’t stop himself from glancing in their direction every now and then, trying and failing to suppress the sting in his chest that resurfaces every time they simply glance at each other or exchange small touches.
The worst thing is, Noel looks so radiant with Simon. He’s always been a naturally happy-go-lucky person, but since he and Simon got together he’s been even more joyful than he already was.
And Wilhelm loves Noel – he really, really does. He loves seeing him happy and has only ever wanted the best for him, not only in his love life but in life in general.
Nevertheless, seeing him with Simon makes Wilhelm hate him a little bit. It makes him wish things that he never thought he would wish upon one of his friends – or anyone else, for that matter. It makes him silently hope every day that he will wake up to a text from Noel telling him that he and Simon have broken up, that he realized that their relationship wasn’t going anywhere, anyway, so why keep wasting time and energy on it?
Every time he’s hit by these kind of thoughts, Wilhelm hates himself a little bit more. Then, he’s reminded of why he’s having those thoughts in the first place either by Simon’s laugh, or by an endearing picture he posts on one of his socials, or simply by thinking about him, and the guilt turns into frustration and a longing that is slowly but surely consuming every fiber of his being.
Still, he knows he won’t do anything about it. He cherishes his friendship with Noel too much to ruin it for a crush on someone he’s only known for a couple of months, even more so when said someone has done nothing at all to show him that he feels even just a little bit about him like Wilhelm does.
So, tonight like every other night, Wilhelm just sucks it up and puts yet another stitch on his rapidly disintegrating heart, silently hoping that this aggravating pain has some sort of expiration date.
⊷⋆⊶
Since Wilhelm’s building is on the total opposite side, he has never really been in this area of the campus before. The only reason he’s here today is that he has to do a group project for one of his classes and he’s agreed to meet his classmates in a study room in one of the buildings in this area, since they can’t freely talk in the main library without being chastised by the librarian or other students.
It’s early December, and the snow that has been constantly falling since last night has created a white blanket that covers all the grass and paths on the campus grounds. Wilhelm has always liked the snow, so he quite enjoys the walk from his building to the one he’s meeting his classmates in; he enjoys the cold a little less, but since he’s bundled up in his thick scarf and winter coat, it doesn’t really bother him, either.
He’s almost reached his destination when he hears his name being called and instantly turns around, feeling his heart skip a beat as he sees Simon jog towards him.
“Hey,” he says a little breathlessly, as if he’d been trying to catch up with Wilhelm for longer than he’d been aware, “What are you doing here?”
Wilhelm doesn’t reply right away, distracted as he is by how snugly and cute Simon looks: like Wilhelm himself, he’s also bundled up in a large bomber jacket and a scarf, but he also has a beanie covering his hair, even though some curls are still peaking out from under it. His cheeks and nose are red from the cold, his hands are hidden in the pockets of his jacket and, in general, he looks like he’s enjoying the weather far less than Wilhelm is.
Wilhelm has the immediate urge to wrap him in his arms and not let him go until he’s warmed up enough.
“I’m, uhm–” He clears his throat, trying his best to remain focused and not let his mind wander to dangerous places. “I’m meeting some classmates for a group project in one of the study rooms here.”
He points at the building not far from them. Simon follows the direction of his hand for just a second before he meets his eyes again.
“That’s the uni museum, so I don’t think that’s the building you’re looking for,” he tells him with an amused smile.
“What?” Wilhelm throws his head back with a groan. “I’ve never been to this part of campus, so I have no idea where I’m going.”
Simon chuckles, pulling one hand out of his pocket to remove a snowflake that landed on his long eyelashes. Wilhelm is one second away from losing his goddamn mind.
“I can walk you, I have a free period,” the boy offers then. Before Wilhelm can reply, he’s already turning around and motioning for him to follow. “Let’s go.”
Just like that, Wilhelm finds himself walking beside Simon as snow keeps falling over them. They’re standing close enough on the narrow path that he can distinctly recognize Simon’s perfume even among all the smells surrounding them, and, for some reason, he finds that realization extremely comforting.
“Is your building around here?” he asks to distract himself from his own thoughts.
“Yeah, just over there,” Simon says, pointing at a building with his chin so as to not remove his hand from his jacket again. “The study room you’re looking for is in the building right next to it.”
“So I was completely off,” Wilhelm says with a snort.
“I mean, kind of.” Simon grins as he looks up at him. “Luckily you have me, though.”
That last sentence is clearly said is a playful tone. It still makes Wilhelm want to throw up.
“Yeah,” he says noncommittally, dropping his gaze to his feet to hide the frustration probably written all over his face.
They walk in silence for a minute or two, and Wilhelm’s once again surprised by how comfortable he feels simply being next to Simon even when none of them says anything at all. His thoughts are however interrupted by Simon revealing, almost timidly, “Actually, I was thinking about texting you if I didn’t catch you today.”
“What?”
Wilhelm’s question comes out far more sharply than he intended for it to be – something that catches Simon off guard.
“Yeah, I mean,” the boy says a little awkwardly and with an unnaturally high-pitched tone. He clears his throat before he continues. “There’s this new horror movie that came out a few days ago, I don’t know if you’ve heard about it. I was wondering if you wanted to go see it with me.”
Wilhelm is probably dead and in heaven, or at the very least he’s asleep and currently stuck in a dream, because – what?
“You really–” Wilhelm stops before he can embarrass himself with a stupid question, asking instead, “What about Noel?”
Simon furrows his brow. “What about him?”
“I mean, don’t you– Don't you want to go with him?”
Wilhelm really must’ve been dropped when he was a baby, because why the hell is he asking about Noel when Simon just asked him to go see a movie with him?
“He doesn’t really like horror movies very much,” Simon explains with a shrug.
And yeah, of course he doesn’t. Wilhelm knows that. Felice is the only person in their group that tolerates the genre, and even she needs a lot of convincing to go and see them at the cinema.
“Oh yeah,” Wilhelm says then, letting out a small chuckle to ease his own tension, “I think he’s still traumatized from when we saw Get Out a few years ago.”
Simon snorts. “Please, that’s not even a real horror movie but more, like, a very dark thriller!”
“I know, right?”
The boy rolls his eyes and Wilhelm laughs at his dramatics, which in turn makes Simon laugh as well. As they calm down, he then asks, “So, will you come with me? We can go whenever you want.”
The way he asks the question makes Wilhelm want to pull his hair out.
Just say no, Wille. For once in your life, please have some self-preservation and say no.
“Sure,” he agrees eventually, fully hating himself for once again being so damn weak.
“Great!” Simon says excitedly, which is enough to make Wilhelm not regret his decision. “When are you free this week?”
“Pretty much always.”
That’s a lie. He has no idea how long it will take for his group to finish their work today, he promised Felice he would help her clean up her room sometime this week, and he also needs to call back his mother to arrange that dinner he’s been postponing for far too long. Still, he would drop anything and everything to spend one evening alone with Simon, so – yeah, he’s pretty much always free.
“What about tomorrow, then?” the boy suggests. “My last class ends around six. We can eat something together before the movie, if you want.”
Wilhelm has never wanted anything more in his entire life.
“Sounds good,” he says, doing his best to sound as unaffected as possible even though, inside, there are currently fireworks going off in his chest.
They’ve meanwhile reached the building that houses the study room Wilhelm has been looking for, so they stop in front of it and turn to face each other.
“There you go,” Simon says, pointing at the entrance. “Go up to the second floor and walk down the corridor on the left side. The study room is the last one on the right.”
“Thank you.” Wilhelm doesn’t want to say goodbye to Simon yet, but a quick look at the watch on his left wrist tells him that he’s almost late. With a badly concealed sigh, he says, “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”
Simon smiles, the gesture so genuine that it lights up his entire face. “Thanks for keeping me company in between classes. See you tomorrow.”
He sends a quick wave his way before he turns around to leave. Wilhelm takes a minute to just stand there in the hope that the cold will help ease the fire currently burning under his skin.
⊷⋆⊶
It’s kind of ridiculous how nervous Wilhelm is as he waits for Simon outside the place they’ve picked for their dinner.
He arrived early and, a few minutes later, received a text from Simon telling him that he would be a little bit late, so he’s been walking in circles in front of the entrance ever since. He’s tried to stop many times, if not for his own sake, at least for that of the people looking outside from the large windows, who are probably wondering what that mad man is doing out there.
The thing is, in the past twenty-four hours, he’s tried his best to get into his thick skull the concept of this absolutely not being a date, but for some reason his mind keeps failing to understand that. He’s caught himself thinking several times about what to wear, which topics to discuss and how to act, and even though he’s always promptly stopped himself as soon as he became aware of what he was subconsciously doing, he’s painfully aware of the fact that he’s giving this hang out much more importance and significance than Simon ever will.
So, Wilhelm’s currently very nervous. He just wishes he could be normal about this, enjoy some time with Simon without having to constantly fight his own traitorous thoughts trying to convince him of things that are not real and never will be.
His mind concedes him the first moment of peaceful silence in over twenty-four hours only when he finally sees Simon walk towards him. He’s all bundled up in winter clothes just like he had been yesterday on campus, but the beanie is missing from his head and his hair is all tousled from the light wind; going by the frown etched on his forehead, it’s safe to say that he’s not enjoying the weather any more than he was yesterday.
“Hey, sorry I was late,” he apologizes as soon as he’s in front of Wilhelm, “My professor finished the lesson later than he was supposed to.”
“It’s okay, I also arrived not long ago.” A lie. He’s been here for almost half an hour. “Let’s go inside, it’s freezing out here.”
They sit at a table in front of one of the large windows – which kind of makes Wilhelm uncomfortable even though, rationally, he knows there is no reason for him to feel this way: he’s simply having dinner with a friend, whose boyfriend is very well informed about their plans for the evening, as proven by the texts he and Noel exchanged earlier that day.
After all, Simon has no reasons to lie about them hanging out to have dinner and watch a movie. It’s not like he’s harboring a secret crush for his boyfriend’s friend like a goddamn fool. That would be a totally insane thing to do.
“Oh my God, I’m so tired,” Simon whines after they place their orders, “This week has been hell, and it’s only Wednesday.”
“We can postpone, if you want,” Wilhelm suggests, a bit disappointed at the sole idea of not spending the evening with him but not wanting Simon to feel forced to go along with their plans if he doesn’t feel like it, “I don’t mind going another day.”
“No, I want to go tonight,” the boy insists, “I’ve already seen too many spoilers, and the movie has been out for less than a week.”
Wilhelm snorts. “What kind of spoilers can there be for a horror movie?”
“You’d be surprised.” Simon raises a challenging eyebrow. “I heard there’s a crazy plot twist.”
“Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know.”
“See? That’s what I mean!”
Wilhelm laughs at Simon’s passionate remark, which in turn causes the boy to do the same. He has such a pretty laugh, Wilhelm could stare at him laughing for hours and hours.
“Why are you tired?” he asks to change his train of thoughts, taking a sip of the cola both he and Simon ordered.
“I’ve been preparing a sort of recital for one of the courses I’m taking this semester,” he reveals. “I’ve been rehearsing every free moment I have in between classes and studying.”
“I thought you said you don’t sing,” Wilhelm can’t help but point out.
“Well, I usually don’t, this is an exception,” the boy clarifies. “The performance is not mandatory, but if you do it you start from a higher score when you take the final exam.”
“Mmm.” Wilhelm places one elbow on the table and the chin on his hand. “Is it a public performance? Can I come see it?”
Wilhelm’s pretty sure he’s not imagining the way Simon’s cheeks turn a light shade of pink and his voice a little more high-pitched. “You would want to?”
“Yeah, why not,” Wilhelm shrugs, “You were amazing during karaoke night.”
Simon seems taken aback by Wilhelm’s words and, for a second, he feels self-conscious and is afraid of having crossed a line he was not supposed to cross; however, the boy quickly recovers from his temporary stupor and lightly shakes his head, letting out a small chuckle.
“I’m afraid it’s a private performance,” he says eventually, “But thank you, I appreciate the compliment.”
Wilhelm scrunches up his nose to express his disappointment, which makes Simon jokingly roll his eyes with a pretty smile lighting up his face.
Dinner is filled with light conversations about university and plans for the Christmas holidays, which Simon is apparently spending with his small family in his hometown; he’s coming back to Stockholm for New Year’s, though, and is adamant on them needing to do something together to celebrate. He’s clearly referring to their whole group, but for just a second Wilhelm allows himself the delusion of believing he means just the two of them.
Their bellies are definitely full as they arrive to the cinema, but Simon still insists on them sharing a bowl of popcorn because, “Have you really gone to the cinema if you haven’t had any popcorn?”. Wilhelm has eaten a burger twice his size with chips on the side, but of course he’s going to share popcorn with Simon. He’s not that full, after all.
For the next two hours, Wilhelm can barely concentrate on what’s going on on the screen. Every time he thinks he can do it, that he can focus for more than one minute on the movie they’re watching, he’s distracted by Simon slightly repositioning on the seat next to his, or from their hands brushing as they reach into the bowl at the same time, or by Simon touching his arm to get his attention as he whispers something in his ear he has absolutely nothing intelligent to respond to. His mind simply keeps going Simon, Simon, Simon, which should be nothing new by now, but in the darkness of the room and with their close proximity everything just seems amplified to the nth degree.
By the time the end credits begin to roll, Wilhelm’s not really sure what the crazy plot twist was. Luckily for him, Simon enjoyed the movie enough to start blabbering about it as soon as the lights are turned on and everyone starts to leave, so he doesn’t really need to comment much apart from the occasional “That was crazy!” and “I, know, right?!” or “That part was so good!”. He wishes his mind had functioned enough to allow him to contribute more to the conversation, but alas, it is what it is.
The night is chilly but clear, with an almost full moon visible in the sky in between the few stars bright enough to be seen even with the city lights surrounding them. They are walking side by side, with their hands shoved deep inside the pockets of their jackets to keep them warm and condensation clouds appearing in front of their mouths as they continue to talk. If it was up to Wilhelm, he would never let this night come to an end.
“Do you also live around here?” Simon asks at some point.
“No, uhm, I–” Wilhelm clears his throat. “I actually live the other way from the cinema.”
“What?!” Simon stops in the middle of the sidewalk. “You could’ve told me when we left!”
“It’s okay, Simon, I don’t mind,” he reassures him, “I wanted to walk for a bit anyway.”
The boy looks at him as if he’s gone crazy. “It’s freezing.”
Wilhelm shrugs as he looks around. “It’s a nice night, though.”
The Christmas lights already adorn the city, the snow has settled on the ground, and the smell of julmust comes from some of the bars and restaurants close by. Wilhelm always loved the Christmas atmosphere, so he really doesn’t mind all that much walking in the cold a little bit more.
When his eyes land back on Simon, he almost blushes as he realizes that the boy has been watching him with curious, bright brown eyes. Simon kind of has the same reaction as he gets caught staring, but, differently from Wilhelm, he quickly averts his gaze. “Well, I live right there,” he says then, pointing at the building across the street. “Do you… Do you maybe want to come up for a bit? To warm up.”
The rapidity with which he added that last sentence tells Wilhelm that he’s very much aware of how the previous question sounded – which is something that makes Wilhelm’s entire body feel like it’s suddenly been set on fire.
Despite every fiber of his being begging him to say yes to Simon’s offer, he knows that this is a line he should not cross. It’s not like he’s deluded enough to think, realistically, that something between them would magically happen if they were alone in Simon’s apartment – even though, to be honest, he kind of is – but being with him in such a personal space would be a little bit too much for Wilhelm’s poor, battered heart.
For this reason, for once in his life, Wilhelm actually puts his well-being first. “I should go. I have an early class tomorrow.”
Which, to be fair, is not even a lie.
To his surprise, the way Simon’s shoulders slightly drop tells him that he’s a little bit disappointed by Wilhelm’s refusal. Why that is, though, Wilhelm prefers not to wonder.
“Okay,” Simon says eventually, taking a deep breath. “Thanks for coming, tonight. I had a lot of fun.”
“Me too. Whenever you want to watch a horror movie, you know where to find me.”
Simon chuckles, then starts to slowly walk backwards. “Goodnight, Wille. Text me when you get home.”
“Will do.”
The boy looks at him for a second longer, a smile still curving his soft-looking lips. He pulls a hand out of his pocket just to wave at Wilhelm, a gesture that he soon reciprocates; then, Simon turns around and walks across the street to enter his building without looking back.
Wilhelm’s pretty sure he’s well on his way to falling in love with him.
⊷⋆⊶
Wilhelm and Simon have been texting for the entirety of the Christmas break.
It’s been nothing too serious, really: they’ve just exchanged pictures of their meals or, in Simon’s case, of the decorations he’s put up in his house with his mother and sister, they’ve live-commented a few Christmas movies as they watched them on TV and, in general, they’ve constantly updated each other on their daily activities – no matter how boring or repetitive they were.
Despite the unseriousness of their texts, every time his phone vibrated to alert him of a new text, Wilhelm pulled it out of his pocket at light speed and a smile instantly curved his lips whenever he saw Simon’s name flash on the screen.
He knows he’s playing a dangerous game, even more so after the realization he’s had after their movie night: the smart thing to do would be to put a little bit of distance between them, give his mind and heart time to make peace with the fact that whatever he feels for Simon is one-sided and he should put a stop to it before it leads to a heartbreak even more painful of what he’s already experiencing.
Nevertheless, he hasn’t been brave enough to do just that. His attempts at simply waiting for a while before replying to Simon’s texts to al least not appear as eager as he is, had sensationally failed after just a day. His intentions to reply a little more coldly so as to try and discourage Simon from texting him again, had been discarded as soon as the boy had sent him something like ten funny memes one after the other after thinking that Wilhelm had been having a bad day.
They’re now in a cottage they’ve rented with their friends to celebrate New Year’s together, with Simon currently sitting on Noel’s lap as they all play a drinking rendition of Monopoly, and Wilhelm has never felt more helpless and miserable in his life.
He knows it’s all his fault, really. He can’t blame anyone for his stupidity – not Simon, and certainly not Noel. Still, as his friend tickles Simon’s sides making him giggle and squirm in his lap and then, as the boy takes his hands to stop him, wraps his arms around his middle and kisses his shoulder, Wilhelm feels a new, unjustified and irrational anger take hold of him.
“I’ll be back in a minute,” he says to no one in particular when everything becomes too much, getting up from the couch.
Felice, occupying the place next to him, looks up at him. “Where are you going?”
“I just need some air, it’s very hot in here.”
He doesn’t wait long enough to see her reaction to his obvious lie; instead, he turns around to leave the room and retrieves his coat from the hanger in the hall, then steps out of the cottage.
Snow is falling lightly around him, and the only sounds that can be heard are the voices and laugher coming from their cottage or the ones close by. Everyone is having fun, because it’s New Year’s and they’re spending it with friends and loved ones, just like Wilhelm is supposed to be doing. So, why can’t he enjoy the night like everybody else? Why does he have to be stuck pining after someone who’s so clearly happy with someone else? Why can’t he just let Simon and Noel live their lives and be fine with it?
“Are you okay?”
Wilhelm abruptly turns around at the sudden voice, not having heard anyone come out of the cottage lost as he was in his torturous thoughts. Felice is standing there, coat on and scarf tightly wrapped around her neck, clearly dressed as someone who knows they’re going to be out here for a while.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” Wilhelm tries to act dumb, but Felice’s unimpressed look tells him right away that she’s not buying it.
“Come on, Wille,” she admonishes him, “You and I both know that’s not true.”
For some reason, that simple statement coming from one of the people that knows him almost better than he knows himself is what makes him eventually break.
He turns around as tears of frustration fill his eyes, but that movement alone is enough for Felice to know exactly what is going on. He’s therefore not surprised when, in no time, he feels her arms wrap around him to hug him tightly to her chest. “Oh, Wille,” she whispers as she comfortingly runs her fingers through his hair.
Hugging her back, he swallows the lump in his throat. “I hate that I feel like this. I should be happy that Noel’s happy, but every time I see them together I just–”
He shakes his head, burying his face in Felice’s scarf to find comfort in the familiar smell of her perfume. Felice just lets him, hugging him even tighter. “It’s normal to feel like this when you like someone, Wille. You’re not a bad friend to Noel, if this is what you’re worried about.”
Wilhelm scoffs. “You clearly have no idea what goes on in my head most of the time.”
“And I’d like to keep it that way,” she jokes, making him wetly chuckle. “But in all seriousness, you and Simon haven’t done anything… Right?”
“Of course not,” he says right away to clear up any doubts she might have, “He doesn’t like me like that, anyway.”
“Based on how often I caught him looking at you just tonight, I wouldn’t be so sure.”
“What do you mean?” he asks frantically, a hopeful tone in his voice that sounds desperate and embarrassing even to his own ears.
He draws back from the hug they’re still wrapped in when Felice doesn’t reply, seeing regret painted all over her pretty face for what she’s just said. Before he can question her any further, though, they hear the countdown to the new year start; as soon as the clock strikes midnight, fireworks light up the night sky and music and loud cheers can be heard from all the cottages surrounding them – theirs as well.
“Happy new year, Wille!” Felice screams to overcome all the noise, throwing once again her arms around his neck.
“Happy new year,” he says with a chuckle, hugging her back just like he had been doing up until a few minutes ago.
They stay like that for a while, watching the fireworks with their arms still around each other, until they hear the door of the cottage open. As they turn around, Wilhelm’s heart flips in his chest upon seeing Simon appear behind the door.
“There you are,” the boy says, looking between Wilhelm and Felice a few times before he hesitantly smiles. “Come inside, we’re about to make a toast!”
“We’re coming!” Felice says, sending a smile his way. Simon briefly looks at Wilhelm, then back at Felice to nod before he disappears back inside. “You ready?” Felice asks him, running her hands up and down his arms.
Wilhelm takes a deep breath to ready himself. “Yeah, let’s go.”
⊷⋆⊶
A few hours later, everybody is out of their mind drunk.
It had started with a few too many toasts and glasses of champagne, which had later turned into shots and, then, awfully mixed drinks when someone had put some music on and everybody had started dancing.
Wilhelm, however, hadn’t really felt much like drinking, so he had stopped after a glass of champagne and a few shots; by the time everyone retires to their own room, he’s pretty much completely sober.
Since Felice is sharing a room with Simon’s sister Sara and Maddie, Henry with Walter and, of course, Simon with Noel, Wilhelm is left having his own room – something that, given how drunk everybody is, he currently appreciates very much.
He’s laying in the middle of his double bed, staring at the ceiling with his hands crossed behind his head and pretty much unable to sleep, when he hears a soft knock on his door. He turns his gaze towards it, saying, “Come in,” to whoever is on the other side, and is for some reason surprised by the person that cautiously walks in.
“Hey,” Simon says, his voice only a little higher than a whisper.
Wilhelm immediately pulls himself up on his elbows. “Hey.”
They simply stare at each other for a few moments, Wilhelm wondering why he’s in his room in the middle of the night, Simon clearly hesitating in giving him any explanation. Eventually, the boy takes a deep breath before he speaks. “I was wondering if I could… If I could sleep here with you, tonight?”
Wilhelm’s pretty sure he’s fallen asleep without noticing, because – what?
“What?” he asks out loud when the question ringing in his head remains without an answer.
“I, uhm– I just–” Simon shakes his head in a nervous gesture and then closes the door behind him, almost as if to make the conversation more private despite everyone else in the house clearly being asleep. “Noel is drunk, and I don’t really feel comfortable sleeping around drunk people. I have noticed that you haven’t been drinking as much as everyone else, tonight, so I was wondering if–” He stops himself again and clears his throat. “I can sleep on the couch if you–”
“No, no– I mean, yes, of course you can sleep here,” Wilhelm says quickly.
Simon looks hesitant for a second more, but eventually smiles. “Thank you.”
Wilhelm feels his heart thump loudly against his chest and the sound reverberating in his ears as he shuffles on one side of the bed, leaving space for Simon to get under the covers on the other. The rustle of the sheets fills the room as they both get comfortable in their new positions and, once they do, the rooms suddenly goes completely quiet.
In the midst of his currently jumbled up thoughts, Wilhelm remembers Sara casually mentioning, a few weeks back, that her and Simon’s dad is a recovering alcoholic. That memory, coupled with Simon’s most recent words, suggests to Wilhelm that this must be the exact reason why he had never seen Simon drink.
“I’m totally sober, by the way,” he therefore feels the need to clarify. “I mean, I’m sure I would still fail an alcohol test if I took one, but I–”
“It’s fine, Wille,” Simon interrupts his rambling with a chuckle. “I’m okay with people drinking, I just don’t like to be around them when they are, like, properly drunk.” Out of the corner of his eye, he sees the boy roll on his side to face him and immediately turns his head to do the same. “You know what I mean?”
For a few seconds, Wilhelm is distracted by the totally unfamiliar image of Simon lying in bed next to him. How many times had he closed his eyes and tried to create that exact image in his mind in the past few months? How many details had he added every single time to try and make it as realistic as possible?
In all the possible ways, the real Simon is even better than any replica his mind could ever come up with.
“Yeah,” he answers after what he’s sure is a far too long pause, “I do.”
He allows his eyes to roam his handsome face, taking in the soft, black curls falling on the white pillowcase, the curve of his lips, the adorable way his cheek is almost squashed into the pillow, then he averts his gaze to avoid passing for a freak. He remains, however, painfully aware of Simon’s dark eyes still trained on him, as if he’s studying Wilhelm no less than he’d been doing with him. That sole thought makes tingles spread throughout Wilhelm’s body.
“Can I ask you something?” Simon says eventually.
That makes Wilhelm’s eyes automatically find his again. “Yeah.”
Simon doesn’t speak right away, instead he chews on his lower lip almost nervously for a few more seconds. “Are you and Felice together?”
“What?” Wilhelm spits out. “No, of course not. Why do you ask?”
“I don’t know, just– When I found you outside earlier you looked, like, very cozy,” he explains. It’s too dark in the room to tell for sure if he’s blushing, but from his demeanor Wilhelm can tell that he’s flustered. “I just thought that, you know, maybe you didn’t want the others to know.”
“No, Simon,” Wilhelm says with a chuckle, turning on his side to face him completely, “I promise you everyone would laugh if you said that to them.”
The boy looks at him in silence for a second more, but then lets out a giggle. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry for asking.”
“Don’t be,” Wilhelm shrugs, “I don’t mind.”
Simon purses his lips, as if deep in thought. Then, when he seems to decide to just voice whatever he’s mulling over, he asks, “So you’re not dating anyone?”
Wilhelm feels his heart squeeze uncomfortably in his chest. “I’m not.”
A short pause. Then, almost in a whisper, “And you don’t like anyone?”
Lie, his mind tells him. Just lie. He will never know.
However, his heart and mouth seem to have other plans.
“No one I can have,” he confesses then. For a second he’s sure he sees something like recognition cross Simon’s face, but before the boy can properly react he hastily adds, “I think we should sleep.”
He rolls on his back, once again looking at the ceiling of which he knows perfectly well every detail, by now. Simon remains in his position for some time, but eventually sighs and also rolls on his back. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight,” Wilhelm whispers, even though he’s sure that sleep won’t come for him any time soon.
⊷⋆⊶
When Wilhelm wakes up the next morning, he finds himself in the most excruciating yet best situation he could’ve ever woken up in.
At some point during the night, he and Simon have unconsciously gravitated towards one another to the point that they’ve met in the middle of the large double bed. Now, Simon’s laying with his head on Wilhelm’s chest, his arm draped comfortably over his abdomen as he continues to sleep; as for Wilhelm, he currently has dark curls tickling his neck and the arm that is holding Simon to his chest is almost completely numb.
Wilhelm knows he should wake Simon up, or at the very least silently move him off his body – not only for the benefits of his mental sanity, but also because anyone could come into the room at any moment and find them like that. However, he also keeps conceding himself one more second to enjoy the sensation of waking up next to Simon. One more look at his peaceful face comfortably resting on his chest. One more gentle swipe of his thumb across the skin of his back, left bare by the shirt that has slightly ridden up during the night.
He tells himself one more so many times that, at some point, Simon stirs in his arms as he slowly wakes up and Wilhelm goes completely still.
“Hi,” the boy mumbles, his morning voice rough and deeper than it usually is. He turns his face upward to squint at Wilhelm, smiling adorably at him. All at once, though, he realizes the position they’re in and instantly pulls himself up. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to sleep on you. You should’ve moved me away.”
“It’s okay,” Wilhelm says with a breathy laugh, turning on his side to face him, “I didn’t mind being used as a pillow.”
Simon relaxes instantly at Wilhelm’s playful words, letting himself fall with his head on his own pillow as he lets out an embarrassed chuckle.
All of a sudden, they’re both lying on their sides, facing each other like they were just a few hours ago, but this time with much less distance between them. Their upper hands are both absentmindedly resting on the mattress between them, so close that all it would take for Wilhelm to hold Simon’s hand would be to move his fingers just a little bit.
“Happy new year,” Simon says at some point, a smile curving his full lips, “I didn’t say it to you last night.”
Wilhelm chuckles. “Happy new year.”
“I said it first,” the boy proclaims.
“It’s not a competition.”
“Who says it isn’t?”
“Literally every single person in the world.”
“Well, they’re all wrong.”
“Oh, shut up.”
Wilhelm laughs and then moves his hand that tiny little distance required to jokingly bump Simon’s, who bumps his hand back as he lets out an adorable giggle. As their laughter subside, though, their hands don’t move away from one another – a realization that makes Wilhelm’s heartbeat instantly skyrocket.
He doesn’t know who’s the first one that dares to move, all he knows is that, at some point, their fingers start to play with each other’s gently, caressing, holding and intertwining every now and then only to let go a second later and start all over again. With every single touch from Simon, Wilhelm feels a little bit more lightheaded but also nervous, because this, as innocent as it seems, should not be happening. When Wilhelm dares to raise his gaze from their hands to look at Simon, the furrow in his brow tells him that he knows it as well as he does.
“Last night, when you said that you don’t like anyone you can have,” the boy starts at some point, his voice unsteady and his eyes never leaving their intertwined hands, “Who were you thinking about?”
It’s clear that he already knows the answer to his own question. Wilhelm had already been pretty sure of it last night – which is exactly why he had stopped the conversation before Simon could ask any follow-up questions. He had, then, naively believed that Simon had forgotten about it, or at least decided to let it go to avoid creating unnecessary drama. Apparently, he had been wrong.
Wilhelm considers lying. He knows it is the best thing to do, because what would he even gain from telling him the truth? From confirming to Simon that, yes, it had been him he had been thinking about?
At the same time, though, he’s tired of constantly hiding how he feels. Simon, apparently, already knows anyway, so he might as well spare himself another lie.
“Don’t make me say it if you’re not going to do anything about it,” he replies, a hint of frustration in his voice that he’s not able to hold back.
It’s only then that Simon’s eyes find his again. With eyebrows still pinched together and voice tinged with desperation, he asks, “What do you want me to do about it?”
And that’s the thing – Wilhelm doesn’t know. He’s been extremely conflicted for months, divided between wanting to be a good and loyal friend to Noel and, for once in his life, acting selfishly and take what he wants so much it’s killing him.
Until last night, he had been dead sure that his attraction to Simon was totally one-sided, so the decision had been pretty much been taken for him; after Felice’s words and the tortured look Simon is sporting right now, though, Wilhelm’s not sure he’s the only one who feels like this anymore.
“I don’t know,” he admits in a whisper, letting out a shaky breath.
Without giving himself time to think twice about it, he lets go of Simon’s hand to cautiously touch his jaw with the tips of his fingers. Simon’s breath hitches, but he doesn’t stop him as he slowly and gently runs his fingers until his neck and then covers it with his palm, caressing his cheek with his thumb. The boy’s eyes close as he takes a deep, trembling breath, lightly but surely tilting his head towards Wilhelm’s palm as if to encourage him to continue.
With a renewed courage coursing through his veins, Wilhelm shuffles closer to Simon on the mattress until their knees touch under the covers and their feet intertwine. Simon’s hand closes in a fist on Wilhelm’s shirt, not pulling him in but not pushing him away, either; Wilhelm gives him time, meanwhile allowing his eyes to roam around his handsome face as he keeps caressing him with all the softness he can muster.
Simon eventually opens his eyes, and upon seeing the fire burning behind them Wilhelm already knows the conclusion he reached before he even does or says anything at all. This, however, doesn’t prevent the butterflies from erupting in his stomach as Simon slowly pulls him in, pressing his forehead to Wilhelm’s and raising his face enough to make their noses touch.
As Wilhelm’s eyes flutter shut in preparation for the kiss he’s been craving for months, a sudden knock on the door instantly bursts their bubble and brusquely brings them back to reality.
“Wille?” Noel’s voice calls quietly from outside the door. “Are you awake?”
As they spring apart at light speed, Wilhelm feels his heart beat in his throat. “Ye– Yes.”
“Is Simon with you?” Noel asks. “I can’t find him anywhere.”
Wilhelm looks at Simon, who is now sitting on his side of the bed with his hands covering his face. After taking a quick, shaky breath, the boy lowers his hands again. “Yeah, coming.”
He totally avoids even looking in Wilhelm’s general direction as he removes the covers from his legs and gets out of bed, rapidly fixing his hair before opening the door.
“Hey,” Noel greets him with a smile, “Why are you in here?”
“I–” Simon clears his throat. “You were snoring pretty loudly last night, and I couldn’t sleep.”
Noel laughs, circling Simon’s waist with an arm. “I don’t snore.”
“Yeah, you do when you’re drunk.” The boy’s comeback comes out a little harsher than he probably intended. He must notice it as well, because he immediately makes up for it by smiling at his boyfriend. “But it’s okay, I forgive you.”
“Oh, how kind of you.” Noel chuckles and then bends down to press a kiss to Simon’s lips that makes Wilhelm’s insides constrict. He averts his gaze, unable to look at them any longer. “Wille, are you coming? We’re making breakfast.”
“Yeah, I’ll be there in a sec,” he says distractedly, getting out of bed and starting to collect his clothes from the previous night to give himself anything to do to look busy.
“Okay,” Noel says. Then, to Simon, “Let’s go, baby.”
Wilhelm chances a quick glance their way, and in that exact moment Simon looks at him with a weird look in his eyes before he follows Noel out of the room.
Once alone, Wilhelm lets out the breath he had been holding and falls back on the bed, covering his face with his hands.
What the hell did I almost do?