Work Text:
I’ve waited for this moment, always
A night
Minho
The room was veiled in darkness. Minho was lying next to Jisung on his bed. The bed on the other side of the room was empty. Through some kind of godly fortune, I.N. was away until tomorrow. Minho and Jisung had watched a movie together. Close to the resolution, Jisung had fallen asleep, and now the drama had ended. Minho studied Jisung’s side profile, as he lay motionless on his back, his beautiful eyelashes not even fluttering. Minho folded the laptop and the room turned dark. As he put the computer on the shelf next to the bed, Jisung moved. Maybe he’d only been in a slumber.
He looked at Minho with bleary eyes. “Oh, it ended… are you leaving?”
“No… I think I’ll stay here, if that’s okay. You can go back to sleep, I’ll join you soon.”
“Mmm, okay…”
His voice was a little bleak, making Minho turn to him. “You all right?”
Jisung cleared his throat. “I don’t know… maybe it was because of the movie, but I had a dream… about someone. It was a little confusing.” The volume was diminishing with each word.
“Ahh.”
He didn’t continue, but Minho could feel a dark aura emanating from him. He softly lay down next to Jisung. To not push anything, he didn’t touch him. He just lay there. Jisung swallowed. Then, he swallowed again.
“Would you like to tell me about it?” Minho’s voice was small and gentle.
“I don’t know, it’s embarrassing.” Jisung looked up into the ceiling.
“That doesn’t matter.”
They both fell silent, while Jisung made up his mind. Then, he spoke. “I had someone I loved. A lot. More than anything.”
“Mhm, I see.”
“Since I was an idiot, I lost that person.” He paused, seemingly having a hard time finding words he could share.
“They showed up in my dream, and I thought it was for real.” His voice sounded thick. “It just goes to show… that no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop thinking of them. It’s like I lost myself, like they kept… a piece of me, that I’ll never get back.” His voice crumbled. “I miss them every single day. I regret my actions every single day. Everything I did, and everything I didn’t do.”
Minho didn’t look at Jisung, since he felt like he might stop talking if he was studied too carefully.
“It’s okay,” Minho comforted, but inside of him, a war was taking place. He wanted so badly to be there for Jisung, to be the one he could confide in. But this… could he really handle hearing this?
“Seeing that person in my dreams was like taking a punch to the gut. I’d hoped I would be ready to move on by now, but maybe I’ll just never be free.”
“Mm.” Minho didn’t know what to say. He already knew this, sort of. Since he’d known Jisung, there’d always been a cloud hanging over him. Something that couldn’t only be described as stress, social anxiety or overachievement. It was a darkness that would better be characterised as grief. But it was only visible sometimes. Maybe only to him.
“For how long was that person in your life?”
“Well, it depends on how you see it. We weren’t really together for that long, just a few months, but that time… it meant everything to me. Then, there was a lot of back and forth, getting back together and breaking up again. Every time, I sincerely felt like I would die. I even told them once, that if they left me, I’d be dead.” He scoffed. “It crashed anyway.”
His voice had a flatness to it, the tone of someone completely exhausted. “I’ve begged them on my knees to come back, until I lost every ounce of dignity. I’ve been standing outside in the middle of the night, screaming and crying because of them. We loved each other so much… but it really, really didn’t work out, and we kept hurting each other. Despite that, I want them back. It’s pathetic.”
Minho swallowed, trying to regain some energy. His heart was aching, his cheeks burning. I hate the person who did that to you. No, he couldn’t say that. What could he say? Nothing. Who was he? No one.
But Jisung was hurting. That was even more important than himself. He’d have to deal with his own heart later. “Can I hold you?”
Jisung nodded. Minho took him in his arms, cradling him in his embrace. Jisung’s heart was beating rapidly, their heartbeats melted together. If Minho could pour himself into Jisung to give him strength, he would. “You can cry if you need to. I’ve got you.”
Jisung’s face leant on his cheek, it was warm and a little damp. He spoke in a very thin voice. “I don’t know if I can cry. I’m out of tears. I’m so empty it scares me.”
Minho held him tightly, trying to transfer calm, warmth… everything that was in his heart. On the tip of his tongue, there was something… a missing sentence, the only reasonable thing to say… but he couldn’t. Instead, he whispered it in his mind.
Hang in there, baby. I love you.
A morning
Jisung - One and a half year later
Jisung didn’t know what woke him up, maybe it was the light. There weren’t any blackout curtains in the room, and he’d forgotten to bring his sleeping mask. The others were still sleeping, someone was snoring lightly from the other side of the room. He started moving a little and reached for his phone. He’d better get up and put some clothes on, since he’d have to go make breakfast with Channie hyung soon.
Jisung hadn’t gotten enough sleep, but somehow he felt refreshed anyway. Maybe it was the air in the countryside? Getting dressed, he was in an unusually good mood. What had happened yesterday, again? They’d been having food and drinks together while filming, they’d talked a lot and played games… He chuckled to himself when he remembered. Minho hyung had said that he loved him.
That was just as expected, Minho was always playing around. He’d said that to get Jisung to spare him from getting up early to make breakfast. Truth be told, Jisung had wanted to do it with Minho, but had ended up asking Channie hyung instead… That was the safest thing to do, he reckoned.
The air was clear and bright as Jisung and Chan walked together along the gravel road, making small talk about everything and nothing, but every few minutes, that sentence would pop up in Jisung’s mind.
I won’t be fake either. I love you.
Every time it replayed, he felt the same tingle of joy, but after a while he also started to analyse. Why, exactly, had Minho said that? It was a joke, wasn’t it? They were doing this all the time. Since they were so close, many people believed they were together. It was a trope they were playing around with, being the original SKZ couple. Then, the joke had continued with Hyunjin coming between them, as Minho started to hang out more with him. The truth was that Minho and Jisung were so close that none of such things mattered… So why did he have a hang-up on it, right now?
He thought back on the last few days. Minho had been in quite a weird mood recently. Somewhat devilish. Yesterday, for instance, when they’d recorded, he was supposed to wash Jisung’s hair. Minho was usually kind and considerate… talking to him in a gentle voice, while being demanding toward others. But this time, his hands had been rough, and it had hurt quite a bit. They were all laughing about it, but… was anything going on? Minho wasn’t frustrated with him over something, was he? No, he was laughing. And if he was irritated, why would he then have said…
Jisung glanced to the side. He could ask Channie hyung what he thought… but how would he phrase such a question?
Have you noticed Minho hyung acting weird toward me… I mean, more than usually?
Do you think I’ve done something to annoy Minho hyung lately?
What do you think Minho hyung meant when he said that he loved me?
None of this made any sense. Those questions were completely incoherent, and of course Channie hyung wouldn’t be able to answer any of it. He just had to leave it be. That’s what he usually did when there was something he didn’t understand. Why was he even thinking about this in the first place?
A rage
Minho - Almost a year later
Minho was standing on a terrace outside of where they were currently filming. They had a break before the next scene, and the others were getting something to drink, but Minho wanted to be alone. Since they were filming for TV, it was very intense, the days were long, and he had to spend a lot of time being close with Jisung, right in front of the whole group, and a film crew to boot. He enjoyed it, but it made him exhausted.
He hadn’t asked for this. He hadn’t asked for a love that was like a raging storm. The more time that passed, the more he didn’t know what to do with it. The love he was carrying with him, everyday and everywhere, had to be screamed from the top of his lungs. It had to be shown to the world. When Jisung was in his vicinity, Minho’s mind melted, and things just happened. He had to touch him. He had to call him. Han-aah. He had to make him react, make him happy, angry… something. Everything.
Could you ever get over that person?
He’d considered asking, but after that one time, they’d never spoken about it again. Still, new songs appeared. Songs with lyrics that Jisung had written, songs about his broken heart, songs about his yearning. That heart didn’t seem to be easily mended. Minho had said to himself that night, holding Jisung in his arms, that he’d wait for him. And he’d done it, he’d waited this long, and he still wanted to keep waiting. The itch that was Jisung still needed to be scratched.
Sometimes, he wondered, though. Was there any use?
Could you ever open your heart to someone again? And, if you did… could it be me?
His questions needed answers so badly, but he couldn’t direct them to Jisung… since the words just wouldn’t come out of his mouth.
From a distance, he heard the others’ voices. Jisung’s was the loudest, his laughter cut through the air. Or maybe, Minho’s ears had just grown accustomed to single it out?
They came back with drinks and snacks, and they all went inside.
Now, the room was full of chatter, laughter, people and cameras. Minho was sitting on a mat with a heart rate monitor connected to him. The goal was for the others to increase his pulse. They were all loud and cheering, but Minho was concentrating. He would play this game, but honestly, he didn’t feel like getting affected by anything or anyone right now.
He looked up, just as Jisung came over with a face that was already triumphant. “I’ll give you a kiss!”
It was just a few seconds, but time slowed down as he leant down and put his lips to his neck. Jisung’s lips. On his neck. As he had always wanted. Minho breathed in. If this moment could last… then it would be worth everything, all the years he had waited. If those lips would stay with him, stay on his skin… then this yearning could be ended. If he could take Jisung’s arms and wind them around himself, sheltering him forever… then everything else would go away, and their love would be the only thing left in this world. But it was just a game. All of it, a stupid game. In that moment, Jisung put his tongue out, touching the skin on his neck, just a swift lick, a millisecond. Minho stood up. His heart was speeding, the game was lost. But what did it matter? This was how it always was, how it always would be. Laughing off what he wanted the most, pretending that it was nothing.
The filming was done for the day, and they were waiting for the car to take them back to their homes. Minho and Jisung were standing by themselves, a bit away from the others’ ears. Now, words suddenly formed on Minho’s lips, came tumbling out of his mouth. “Why did you do that?”
“Do what, hyung?” Jisung looked up, surprised. Then, somehow, he seemed to pick up. “Kiss you? Did you not like it?”
“That’s not why I asked. I wanted to know why you chose to do it… like that?”
Jisung still looked perplexed. “It was a game? I really don’t get what you mean now.”
“Of course you don’t.” The tone of his voice was sarcastic, but he also tried to keep it light. He didn’t want to look at Jisung, since he already knew what face he was making.
“It’s just irritating,” he continued, trying to sound casual. “You going around kissing people randomly. You shouldn’t be doing such things if there’s no meaning behind them. Right?”
A revelation
Jisung - Three months later
They were onstage. Light and sound were all over him and everywhere, the show was nearing the end. Jisung was full of energy, he’d sung and screamed, he’d run, he’d jumped and danced. He’d laughed and sweated. Now, it was the last song. He stood next to Minho, and Minho grabbed his hand. It was warm, firm, still gentle. My secure spot that will never go away. The lights showered over them, it went straight into Jisung’s eyes, straight into his mind. It exploded. What came over him was one of the strongest emotions he’d ever felt. Pure joy, pure euphoria. He squeezed Minho’s hand. He couldn’t believe they were standing here, next to each other. He couldn’t believe they had found each other in this world.
Two days later, they were backstage in a secluded area, with a table full of food in front of them. Jisung was eager to get rice, Minho was too. As Jisung reached out for the spoon, their hands brushed, and a sparkling current went through the whole of his body. Just like the one he’d felt onstage. He stopped in the middle of the motion. Minho continued helping himself from the buffet, while Jisung just stood there. He watched Minho get a drink, a spoon and chopsticks, and take his tray to the table. He sat down, then looked up at Jisung. His face was lit, as from a source coming from within. He gazed at Jisung with a questioning smile, as in: Why are you not coming?
Jisung was still motionless, and the thought that popped into his mind was: Why is he looking like that? Was he always that beautiful?
Jisung couldn’t fall asleep. His brain was full of the weirdest sensations he’d ever experienced. It was as if he’d drunk some kind of drug-infused soda, making his mind carbonated, his cheeks blossom and his eyes pop. What was happening? He hadn’t been able to concentrate for one moment the last few days. Did he have too much caffeine?
Once again, he thought back to the other day, the moment when Minho had taken his hand and overwhelmed him with emotion. He swallowed. The image was stuck in his mind. The stage lights, the green colour flowing all over him, through him, turning into liquid inside. He couldn’t breathe. He had to move his body. He’d been spirited away. What was this, really?
The question and answer landed in him simultaneously.
Am I in love with Minho?
I am in love with Minho.
What the actual hell?
A night
Minho
It was way too late, but Minho was still awake. They were in a new city, and tomorrow was the concert. He should have slept early, but couldn’t find peace. He’d taken a shower and was lying in bed, trying to read a book, but his eyes kept slipping on the words.
Then, there was a light knock on the door. Who’d come at this time? He grabbed a t-shirt and put it on. It had to be one of the members, so that would have to do.
He opened the door slightly. Outside was Han Jisung.
“Hyung… Can I come in?”
“Sure.” Minho let him in and they sat down on the bed. Jisung coming to Minho with his troubles was an old habit, and he enjoyed being the one who’d listen to his worries.
“What’s wrong,” he asked. “Can’t sleep?”
Jisung shook his head. His cheeks were rosy. “I’m in a strange mood,” he started, then swallowed, looking almost desperate. “So I decided I had to talk to you.”
Jisung acted a little differently from what he used to. What was it, this time?
Minho smiled softly. “Then, tell me, what’s on your mind?”
Jisung caught his gaze, looking straight into his eyes with a serious face. “You. You are on my mind.”
Minho could feel his chest tighten. “I… am?”
“Yeah. I felt like I had to tell you now, or I’d explode.” He drew a deep breath, closing his eyes briefly, then opening them again. “I think I’ve maybe… I think I’ve fallen in love with you.”
Minho could only stare. Those were the words he’d been waiting for. He’d stopped counting days, months, years. All of it had become a blur.
“I’m sorry,” Jisung continued. “It wasn’t supposed to happen. But it did anyway.”
Minho watched him fixedly. It wasn’t supposed to happen? Minho’s heart was racing. Years ago, he’d used to fantasise about this moment. He’d rehearsed lines to say, actions to take. Somehow, those were all gone from his mind. But one thing he knew was that this was definitely supposed to happen. It just hadn’t, until now.
He was still at a loss for words, and Jisung looked a little anxious. His voice was thin when he continued. “How do you feel about this, hyung?”
Minho kept looking into Jisung’s eyes, and said in a voice that was slow and a little thick. “I feel… overjoyed.”
The words didn’t fit with his look and tone, and Jisung’s eyes went wide. “You do?”
Now, Minho had to smile. “You really don’t know? I’ve been in love with you for years. Since the first week… I sort of fell for you instantly.”
Jisung kept staring at him. His eyes became even darker, and his lips were trembling a little. “So… all this time?”
Minho nodded. “All this time.”
Jisung
Now it was Jisung who couldn’t find any words. His heart was beating too fast. He reached for Minho’s hands, taking them both in his. “I… I’m sorry I didn’t know.”
At the same time, something fell into place within him. He did know. He did know that Minho loved him. And he’d gladly accepted that love, already from the start. From their first meeting, it hadn’t taken long until Minho hugged him for the first time, and he’d almost started crying, because he needed it so badly. Minho had been next to him through all this. They’d laughed, talked and held each other. The realisation was too huge to put into words.
“Minho hyung…” he started, but couldn’t continue. He let go of Minho’s hands and opened his arms to collect him. They landed in each other’s embrace. On the inside, Jisung was like throbbing jelly, but he had Minho’s arms firmly around him, and it felt like coming home. This was where he truly belonged. How could he not have understood?
They breathed into each other for a long, silent moment. Inside Jisung was a thunderstorm of pounding heartbeats, blood rushing, too hot and fast to fit his veins. He felt like he’d faint.
He let go a little. “Hyung, I think I need to lie down.”
They lay next to each other on the bed, and Jisung closed his eyes. It was all too much. He couldn’t handle the emotions that were welling through his body and mind.
After a while, Minho turned to him and put his hand on his cheek, stroking it softly. Jisung opened his eyes, looking into Minho’s. Darkest brown. The most beautiful eyes he’d ever seen. Minho’s thumb stroked the skin next to his ear, and he felt like he would cry.
Minho leant forward and kissed him. The softest kiss, his lips considerate and curious at the same time. They tasted each other, and Jisung’s body filled up with something warm, flooding, reaching into him, into particles he didn’t know existed. Minho’s hand kept fondling as they kissed. His hair, the skin on his neck, a soft squeeze on his earlobe. Jisung had to open his eyes. He had to see Minho. He drew back a little, looking into those dark ponds, the full source of his happiness, his whole existence.
“It feels like I’ve waited for this moment, always,” he whispered.
Minho’s lips curled upwards. He smiled to himself a little before speaking. “If you feel that way, then how do you think I feel? Just think about it.”
He raised his brows and gave out his typical, jolly chuckle.
And then they kissed, again.