Work Text:
one
It’s a mess to live with six people, that’s what everyone says. By the first week, they already got a listed spreadsheet and chart for everything. Available times where Yoonchae can drop in and do her laundry, an actual lost and found box in the middle of the living room, what and what cannot go in their rooms, free crying spots. It feels a little like Dream Academy, all over again, but maybe that’s only because Yoonchae has never had any other roommates beyond other trainees. Not like anyone else has, either.
Yoonchae really has no other place to stay, so she’s okay with this. Sophia likes to stay up for way too long sometimes, talk to her about everything and nothing. There’s this scene in Wicked, Sophia once told her, where Elphaba flies for the first time and even though the whole nation is out to get her, she still feels like she can do anything, just because she was free. That's theater, Sophia says. Sophia talks about it like she's knows what it feels like.
Yoonchae has never known anything like it. But she falls asleep that night thinking about it; the wind being the only thing dragging her down, the brief breath between that moment and the next where she feels like she can fly, to be known as Jeong, not Yoonchae. Maybe that is the type of freedom that comes with being older. Manon is Manon, Sophia is Sophia and Jeong is Yoonchae, a part of her family, a part of her class, a part of a girl group. Yoonchae imagines what Elphaba feels, jumping off an entire tower and declaring look, I can fly without you all, and thinks, yeah, no.
Sophia is the leader, the glue holding them together, and Yoonchae is maybe the tiny space between the objects, something that’s only ever meant to be in between. Yoonchae wishes– well, she doesn’t know the word for it. She wishes she had the words, she wishes she was better at English.
“Yoonchae,” In the middle of the night, Sophia asks, “Where are you going?”
It’s the crack between dust and dawn. Yoonchae can’t even see Sophia’s eyes on her that clearly, but she knows. The lights are off, because according to Manon, Yoonchae likes sleeping like Dracula. Yoonchae also wishes she had sharp teeth, just like a real vampire, because maybe then she can bite Sophia’s tongue off.
Yoonchae muffles her head against a pillow, “I don’t know.”
“No, but like, seriously,” Even in the dark, Sophia is still moving beyond Yoonchae, two steps ahead, chasing for the next, shiny thing. Maybe that’s Sophia’s role as the leader, to wake up Yoonchae at one and ask Yoonchae the questions she really, really doesn’t want to linger on right now, and it’s Yoonchae’s role as the maknae to just simply hope, and hope. Yoonchae so desperately wants to catch up.
Lara and Megan are going to stay with their parents. Dani and Manon already promised each other they’ll be rooming together. Sophia has family in L.A, her aunt, if Yoonchae remembers properly, someone Yoonchae has only ever met once. She’s nice, though, and Sophia is so clearly hers.
And Yoonchae– well, “I can live alone.”
Sophia doesn’t like the quiet. That’s one of the first three things Yoonchae knew about her during Dream Academy. When she’s not talking, she’s singing, and when she’s singing, she’s mouthing things out, doing little finger things, gestures, big, big gestures. Sometimes, Sophia’s elaborate gestures look a little like this; Sophia shuffling in her bed, walking over to Yoonchae’s, and plopping herself onto her mattress instead. Even in the dark, Yoonchae can so clearly imagine Sophia's lips sinking into a frown, her eyebrows furrowing. That’s one thing Yoonchae is good at, other than being the youngest in a girl group– imagining, always imagining.
“I can live with you,” Sophia says.
“You don’t have to.”
“But I want to,” Sophia finds Yoonchae’s hand in the dark. The windows aren’t open, and with no moonlight there’s nothing that proves Sophia is solid. Yoonchae remembers the dreams she used to have – back when she was starting out as a trainee in Seoul – of skies and stars and sun. Back then, she imagined flying to the sky, tasting the light like sun chips on her mouth. In this hour, even with the solid weight of Sophia’s hand, Sophia feels as real as that.
two
Sophia tells her it’s okay to rely on her sometimes. Sophia kind of says that to everyone, but especially Yoonchae. She’ll be subtle about it a lot of the time, like by sneaking in treats and snacks she knows Yoonchae likes, or by walking with Yoonchae to H-Mart, pulling in large, glittery eyes to let Sophia pay for her. Yoonchae has tried to do the same thing for her, but Sophia always finds a way to make them switch at the last minute. Which is supposed to be Yoonchae’s thing, but okay.
Sometimes Yoonchae wonders if Sophia has ever been told the same thing. According to Manon, Sophia might just explode if someone tells her that directly, so they have to show it in miniature ways. Like by carrying Sophia's duffle bag to training, talking for Sophia when she’s eating, paying for Sophia’s food in the rare times she does space out. But the thing is, Sophia doesn’t ever, like, space out. She’s alert all the time, as if Missy is in the corner of the room watching and taking down notes on who to eliminate.
Well– there was this one exception. Yoonchae has this distinct memory of Sophia coming home to their room once, late at night. There was no noise when Sophia entered, not even the weight of her bag dropping. Sophia took off her coat, hung it, and walked past Yoonchae without greeting her. Sophia must have tried a new perfume, Yoonchae thought, she smelt floral, with the faint sparks of vanilla. Yoonchae swore she knew the name, she had a relative wear it once.
It only dawned on Yoonchae that Sophia normally spoke to her first, not the other way around. Yoonchae cleared her throat, spoke, "Where did you go?”
Whenever Sophia looks at Yoonchae, Yoonchae can’t really stop herself from thinking Sophia will only ever see her as who she was when she was fifteen, eating ramen in a convenience store while Sophia tried on the name Yoonchip for her. It’s better that way, because Yoonchae remembers how Sophia looked at Yoonchae that day, like she lost something, like she thought someone else would be behind Yoonchae.
It’s nothing interesting, Sophia said, as if that answered everything, before sinking her entire weight to Yoonchae’s bed, and asking, how about you? It’s annoying, how Sophia can say everything while nothing all at once. She’ll answer a question, without really answering it, then smile with her pearl white teeth and direct attention elsewhere. Sophia is the anchor, so maybe it’s natural she’ll keep Yoonchae grounded in one spot, never letting Yoonchae chase after her. Yoonchae tries not to resent her for it.
They ended up making a blanket fort and picking a Netflix show to watch together. Sophia had been binging through some Indonesian shows, so they ended up sitting through Ratu-Ratu Queens. There was this scene in the second episode, where Biyah was reminiscing upon an old friend of hers, Tuti, that was her name. They had travelled together, and later on, Biyah saw Tuti on the stage, in pink, shimmering, lights, performing like Biyah always wanted Tuti to. It was sad, though, because things never happened the way Biyah envisioned it’ll happen like. In Biyah’s head, she’ll be with Tuti, hitting on some drums, maybe, or doing really anything Titi would’ve asked of her.
Sophia leaned really close to the screen during that scene, covering Yoonchae’s view. Yoonchae had pushed her off, telling her to stop being so greedy. Sophia kept staring. Yoonchae only remembered the name of the perfume Sophia was wearing then, it was La Marquise.
three
Yoonchae wakes up at one to Sophia. Yoonchae knows Sophia’s voice by heart, she hears it every time she tries to fall asleep, answering Yoonchae’s interview questions for her, singing Buttons to annoy her. There's also the fact Yoonchae's whole job hinges on Sophia's voice beside her. Yoonchae has never heard Sophia like this.
Yoonchae only hesitates for a moment before turning to face Sophia. Sophia hears it, Yoonchae knows she does, because Yoonchae’s blankets fall off from her bed with the movement. The lights are turned on tonight, and Sophia seems so real now, so solid, with her head sunk deep in her pillow. She’s using her arms to shelter herself, and when Sophia makes a sound, it comes out as ragged, muffled.
Yoonchae can count on one hand the amount of times she has seen Sophia cry. The first time had been during the final. Sophia facing away from the rest of them, holding in her breath. Sophia running to the other side the first chance she could, wrapping her arms around Marquise. From the corner of Yoonchae’s eye, Sophia holding Marquise’s face, Sophia mouthing the words, I love you. Sophia after.
Yoonchae’s body moves on its own. She walks over to Sophia’s bed, letting her feet step over her fallen blanket. Her throat closes, she forces herself to speak.
“It’s okay,” Sophia tells her, then she chokes in a breath, “I’m okay, Yoonchip, go back to sleep.”
“I can’t,” And Yoonchae wants so desperately for Sophia to look at her, to face her, “Sophia.”
“I’ll be quieter,” Sophia says. Her breath comes in slower, still infinitely fragile, “You won’t be getting any more sleep.”
Yoonchae feels like she’s back in Seoul again with her family, all of a sudden, with her mom insisting she needs rest, even though it’s been nine months since she hugged her. Yet, she's murmuring in her ear, go to sleep Jeong-ah, go to sleep. It feels almost a little unfair, because Yoonchae knows the same trick wouldn’t work on her mom, knows Sophia would’ve cracked Yoonchae open had Yoonchae been in her position.
Sophia’s hand moves to cover Yoonchae’s, she presses on it hard. “Please. I can handle this by myself.”
Yoonchae stares at their hands. Sophia’s nails are chewed off, and Yoonchae knows tracing over them is the closest Yoonchae can ever get to facing Sophia. Yoonchae holds her hand, she doesn’t do anything else. The lights are on, Sophia is solid.
Yoonchae was fifteen when Sophia was twenty. Yoonchae was dancing to Confident whilst Sophia was playing to Buttons. When they renew their contract, Yoonchae will be twenty three, one year older than Sophia is now, and Sophia will be twenty eight. That’s a good thing, Manon always says, if this ends up not being your thing, you didn’t waste the entirety of your twenties on it. Yeah, Yoonchae agreed, I would’ve just wasted my graduation ceremony.
Maybe that’s why catching up with Sophia will always feel a little impossible. No amount of candles in her birthday cake will ever stop Sophia from seeing Yoonchae as her baby. And at the end of the day, nine times out of ten, it’ll be Sophia quietly wiping Yoonchae’s eyeshadow off in some bathroom anyway. Yoonchae’s eyes will be puffy, red with irritation, but at least she’ll be clean, and Sophia will pinch her nose and say they should binge a trashy show after.
Yoonchae can imagine though. When she finally catches up, when there’s enough candles in her birthday cake, will Sophia face her, then? Maybe when Sophia is thirty four and Yoonchae is twenty nine, Sophia will finally let Yoonchae hold her at one in the morning, sob into her shoulder instead of the pillow she is still holding from Dream Academy. It’s a good, distant, clear point, because Yoonchae really has no clue what she’ll do after this whole girl group thing wraps up.