Work Text:
Kat: GUYS J HAD AN IDEA
[Kat renamed the groupchat “Crime committers”]
Kat: Fellow crime committers
Anna: Like one crime dayumm
Jane: I think we all committed like five crimes and I think Anne committed ten
Anne: I only murdered one guy
Catalina: One guy too many
Anne: Didnt u help me cover it up 🤨
Catalina: A little
Anna: Okay well we didn't know until after his body got found sooo
Kat: Not the point
Cathy: What is the point then??
Kat: I just wanted a groupchat for us is that too much to ask
Anne: We live in the same city Chaton
Anna: And I can barely take that
Jane: :-(
Anna: Not you babe <3
Jane: :-D
Cathy: Gay
Kat: Imagine that
Anne: Couldn't be me
Catalina: We made out last night
Anne: But we had socks on 🙄
Anna: How does it feel to have made out with a murderer Catalina
Catalina: Pretty good tbh
Anne: I'm a great kisser
Kat: I hope you're better at kissing than you are not murdering people cause damn
Anne: I MURDER ONE PERSON AMD SUDDENLY ALL I AM IS A MURDERER
Cathy: Do you want us to make fun of you for other things?
Cathy: Cause there's a lot.
Anne: 😥 why would you say that
Jane: Shes grumpy cause she hasn't had caffeine today
Cathy: The coffee machine isn't working and the onsite starbucks is closed
Anne: Come over to Kat and I’s house we have caffeine
Kat: I'll prepare you a cup
Cathy: U GUYS ARE MY SAVIORS 🧎🏾🧎🏾🧎🏾
Anna: Homie calm downnn
Anne: Thats addict talk Cathy
Cathy: You know a lot about being an addict huh?
Anne: 😦
Kat: Cathy,,,
Catalina: Damn Cathy get some caffeine
Cathy: Srry Anne pls give me caffeine
Anne: Fine but only because I'm scared of what you'll drag up if I don't
Cathy: love u too /p
Anne: 🙁 love u too ig
Kat: Take ur coffee beast
Cathy: TYY 🙇🏾🙇🏾🧎🏾🧎🏾
Anna: You have issues
Cathy: Rnt you dating the cousin of a murderer
Anna: you are Kat r lowk qpring??
Cathy: But like.... It's different
Anna: It's really not
Anne: Dont agitate her I get caught in the crossfire
Anna: I wanna agitate her more
Anne: 🙁 life is rough for murderers out here
Anne: guys omg
Cathy: It's 3 am kys
Anne: okay but GUYE
Anne: we got away with a murdwr
Anne: lie the tv show
Anne: like
Cathy: Oh my God
Catalina: All of you go to sleep
Kat: Why are you up??
Catalina: Anna is up
Anna: SHHHH
Jane: Anna.
Catalina: Oops
Anna: Is this payback because I ate your pasta??
Catalina: Nope.
Catalina: 🙃
Jane: Anna Cleves, go to sleep right now.
Anna: Fine MOM.
Jane: Don't call your girlfriend ‘mom’ that's weird.
Anne: call her mommy instead
Cathy: isn't that ur cousin
Anne: oh
Anne: oh shit
Anne: oh GOD PLZ DONT CALL MY COUSIN MOMMY
Anna: Mommy~ 😩🤤
Kat: I'm bleaching my eyes
Cathy: Like you bleached that murder weapon!
Kat: That was Anne
Catalina: Of course it was
Anne: Linaaa :/
Catalina: Srry babe but you killed someone
Anne: One person
Jane: And you did most of the taking care of the body Kat and I awkwardly watched
Anne: Who cleaned the blood out of the shed 🤔
Anne: OH YEAH YOU 😡
Kat: Who stabbed him 🤔
Kat: OH YEAH YOU 😡
Anne: I DID IT FOR YOU CHATON
Anne: the betrayal I feel is incredulous
Anna: Wtf does that mean??
Cathy: I don't think ur using that right
Anne: mmm I thinm I iid
Anne: (of a person or their manner) unwilling or unable to believe something.
"an incredulous gasp"
Anne: the betraysal I felt was unbelievable
Kat: You can spell “incredolous” but not “think” or “did”
Anne: incredulous*
Kat: KAY WHY ESS
Jane: What?
Catalina: Did you SPELL “kys” out?
Kat: Yeah
Jane: Stop telling each other to kill yourselves.
Anna: Someone's gonna actually do it
Catalina: Probably Anne or Kat
Anne: HEY
Kat: WAHT
Anna: Havent both of you TRIED to kys?
Anne: technically... I stopped right before
Kat: No I stopped u and I just failed
Anne: i wouldn't have faled I woulda veen set it chaton didnt find me
Catalina: Stop trying to kill yourselves
Cathy: Yeah Anne your kill count with be two
Anne: stfu
Anne: I am sick and tired of being hated on for being a murderer alright
Anne: I just wanna like
Anne: Murder in piece
Cathy: wrong “piece”
Cathy: it’s “peace”
Jane: Why are you guys still up?
Jane: Go to sleep.
Kat: Why are YOU up Janey??
Jane: …man look at the time!
Jane: Gtg
Kat: HA
Kat: I am gonna sleep tho tomorrow is the first day of exam week and shit
Anne: WAHT
Cathy: Exam week <<<<
Jane: I would rather get back with Henry than go through exam week.
Anne: I would rather actually hang myself than keep go back to that shit
Catalina: Let’s not do the weird “I would rather [trauma dump]” chain we all know how this is going to end
Kat: So I cant make my joke?
Cathy: You have too much material it’s an unfair advantage over the rest of us
Kat: Man 😕
Anna: Okay but so does Anne she has like almost every form of abuse and drugs and murder PLUS Catalina Anne and Jane all have “relationship with Henry” what are Cathy and I supposed to do
Cathy: Weren’t you like an alcoholic
Catalina: Why are you saying that like we haven’t watched her have ten hangovers in a week
Anna: Okay I don’t know why I’m being harassed as if I’m Anne
Anne: You just harassed me
Kat: Guys we are getting sidetracked
Cathy: Someone pls bring me coffee in between fourth and fifth I don’t have time to get any and I’ve been out since second period
Jane: I will I’ll be free for a bit then
Cathy: Thank you 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Anne: Those kinda look like dicks
Cathy: no they don’t
Kat: I can see it
Anne: 🙏🙏🙏 the blue parts are the balls
Anna: Taking “blue balls” too seriously
Anne: HA
Kat: HSKGSJSHS
Catalina: I hate all of you
Anne: But shawty 🥺🥺
Catalina: You’re so annoying /pos /aff
Jane: What??
Anna: U guys r so dysfunctional
Anne: ARE NOT
Kat: You guys hated each other for like a million years before you got together
Catalina: It was like six or seven months calm down
Anna: six seven 🤷🏾
Cathy: stop I’m not even joking
Cathy: You can’t just put /pos /aff at the end of smth
Anne: Disagree
Jane: I haven’t slept nearly enough for this conversation…
Anna: Neither have I
Kat: *collapses*
Anne: *collapses with you*
Catalina: Stop??
Kat: Oh
Cathy: IM GOING TO HANG MYSELF
Kat: That’s Anne’s job
Anne: Et tu Brute :(
Kat: I don’t know French Anne
Anne: Maybe I will just hang myself next time since no one here LOVES ME ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND MY REFERENCES
Cathy: I don’t think you even spelled that right
Anne: Go have a caffeine addiction
Cathy: Shut up
Catalina: Everyone needs to go to therapy or stop talking
Anna: Aren’t you gay🤨
Anna: Don’t you like women🤢🤮
Catalina: You’re also gay Anna
Kat: You’re dating my cousin
Anna: Well
Anna: [Anna went offline]
Anne: that’s not how this fucking works
Anne: god Anna
Kat: STOP FIGHTINGGGGGGG
Anne: You just made a joke about my suicide stop
Kat: I was there I can make jokes
Anne: Is that like a rule now
Kat: Yes.
Anne: Well
Anne: Alright 😕
Cathy: No both of you stop it wtf
Anna: Remember Henry
Catalina: Ive seen him at the grocery store and also dated him for like years
Catalina: Yeah
Catalina: I remember him
Anne: He tried to choke me out and abused me for a hot minute
Kat: He cut my neck with an alcohol bottle in a dark alleyway because SOMEONE framed him for murder
Jane: My bad on that one but
Jane: He abused me for like a month
Cathy: I watched Catalina drop all her standards and pretend she wasn’t a lesbian for him
Anna: just making sure we all stay up to date on this kind of stuff
Anne: But why
Jane: What purpose does this serve??
Anna: Ehhh
Jane: Cathy I’m getting u coffee
Cathy: HOLY FUCK I LOVE YOU
Anne: GUYS
Anne: WHATS UR GO TO MENTAL BREAKDOWN SONG
Anna: I hate my mom by grlwood
Kat: It’s only sex
Cathy: The other night I cried while thinking of having sex with you
Kat: Not out of desire or shame but some subconscious impulse to feel pain
Catalina: Little Miss perfect :/ and top of my school
Cathy: On brand
Cathy: Anyway art is dead for me
Jane: Class of 2013
Jane: Mitski in general actually
Kat: IM LIQUID SMOOOOTH
Anne: COME TOUCH ME TOOOO
Anna: Anne u didn’t say urs
Anne: maybe I don’t wanna say it
Anne: nosy
Kat: Annie you have toooo
Catalina: Oh I know all of her breakdown songs
Anne: LINA WAIT
Catalina: heavy by Florence road, take me to war by the crane wives, creep Radiohead, cop car Mitski
Anne: traitor….
Kat: L
Kat: But cop car>>>
Anna: DOLLHOUSE>>>>>
Anne: PICTURES PICTURES SMILE FOR THE PICTURES
Anna: POSE WITH YOUR BROTHER WONT YOU BE A GOOD SISTER
Kat: EVERYONE THINKS THAT WERE PERFECT
Anna: PLEASE DONT LET THEM LOOK THROUGH THE SURFAAACE
Cathy: stop being mentally ill
Anne: oh bold words from you caffein addict
Cathy: bold words from you murderer
Anne: I will never live that down huh
Cathy: No
Anne: anyway don’t u relate to art is dead or whatever
Anne: mental illness
Cathy: okay but also
Cathy: look whos inside again
Jane: You’re all very concerningly sad
Catalina: You said a Mitski song Jane
Jane: Mom will you wash my back this once :(
Anne: get therapy lmao
Anna: Aren’t you a murderer ??
Anne: 🫤 guys come on
Catalina: Ew?? Why are you using that emoji
Anne: wh
Anne: why not
Catalina: It’s bad
Catalina: 😕 solos
Anne: we r getting a divorce
Catalina: We aren’t married??
Anne: 📝 sign here bitch
Catalina: If you’re gonna use that language with me I will
Jane: Guys stop
Kat: U two r a mess
Anne: stfu Jane
Jane: WHY NOT KAT??
Anne: I could never insult dear kitty
Kat: >:3
Anna: ur biased Anne
Anne: yea I am
Kat: >:333
Cathy: Okay I’m listening to ur guys mental breakdown songs and guys…..
Cathy: Go to therapy
Anne: no lmao
Kat: I am!!
Catalina: Thats a lot of money
Catalina: And I’m going through a divorce soo
Jane: I don’t need therapy
Anna: mmmaybe
Cathy: Jane.
Cathy: Do u srsly think you don’t need therapy??
Jane: Uh
Jane: Yeah?
Anne: oh jane…..
Jane: WHAT???
Anne: 🫤
Catalina: 😕**
Anne: 📝
Catalina: ✍️✍️
Anne: no WAIT
Anne: UR SUPPOSED TI FIGHT FOR ME
Catalina: Why would I do that
Anne: :(
Kat: Ooooooh Catti
Cathy: Shes gonna guilt trip u so hard
Catalina: No I’m not folding this time
Anne: u aren’t gonna come give me affection??
Catalina: No.
Anne: but linaaaa :(
Catalina: You can cope for a night without me.
Kat: oooooooh
Jane: I’m concerned
Anne: alright 😞
Catalina: See? We’re fine
Cathy: she’s gonna say smth
Anne: yknow
Anna: here it comes
Catalina: It won’t work
Anne: it’s fine cuz I don’t get affection a lot anyway
Catalina: This doesn’t affect me at all
Anne: especially when I was little and growing up
Jane: Anne…
Cathy: is that it??
Kat: no she’s got more
Anne: like when I accidentally killed my brother
Cathy: Oh.
Catalina: Anne this isn’t gonna work
Anne: the only time someone held me then was when I curled up with his corpse
Kat: she’s far from done
Catalina: Im not breaking
Anne: my own parents wouldn’t even comfort me cause it was all my fault
Anne: i haven’t gotten a hug from them since that day
Anne: they just shipped me away
Anne: but whatever I dont need comfort that bad
Anne: maybe I can find some alchohol or smth
Kat: “alchohol”
Anne: 😕
Anne: is that good enough for u Catalina
Anne: do I get ur love now
Catalina: Okay the emoji got me
Catalina: I’ll go to your house after classes
Anne: :) yay
Anna: Jesus
Catalina: It’s not my fault her life is so sad
Jane: That was scarily effective
Kat: Anne’s a master manipulator
Cathy: Remind me to ask her to help me write emails to my teachers about late work
Anne: will do
Kat: LMAO
Catalina: Im weak alright??
Anne: <3
Anne: guys
Kat: It is 2 in the am Anne.
Anne: I know
Anne: but guys
Anne: guys I think I have depression
Kat: You
Kat: Think?
Anne: maybe ☹️
Kat: You have been switching between all of Inside, and all of Hamilton all day.
Kat: YOU HAVE MORE THAN DEPRESSION
Kat: YOU HAVE MENTAL ILLNESS x10
Cathy: “All day” that’s like… only three times each tbf 😭
Anne: i know right
Cathy: What
Jane: Why are you guys even up?
Anne: depression
Kat: Anne’s depression
Cathy: Essay
Jane: Anne… what the fuck?
Anna: ur issues are so bad you got Jane to cuss lmao
Anne: I KNOW MY SISTER LIKE I KNOW MY OWN MIND 🗣️🗣️🗣️
Anne: YOU WILL NEVER FIND ANYONE AS TRUSTING OR AS KIND
Anne: IF I TELL HER THAT I LOVE HIM SHED BE SILENTLY RESIGNED
Anne: HED BE MINE
Anne: SHE WOULD SAY IM FINE
Kat: SHED BE LYING
Kat: As much as I hate this Hamilton goes hard
Anne: idk what’s wrong with me tonight
Anne: its all coming out
Anne: all my issues
Anne: all my represssd trauma from the past 19 years of living
Anne: and it’s materializing in sobbing and screaming to hamilton and inside
Catalina: Why not just make and listen to playlist with Hamilton and Inside
Catalina: I mean doing all of inside then all of Hamilton seems kind of dumb
Catalina: Or even like half of Inside then half of hamilton or something
Anne: ur a genius lina
Anne: i might as well put mitski on that playlist
Anne: cuz yknow
Anne: its mitski
Kat: If you start playing Mitski I’ll start crying
Cathy: Go to bed guys
Anne: mmmm
Anne: no
Anne: IM LIQUID SMOOOOTH
Kat: COME TOUCH ME TOOOO
Anna: wtf is going on
Anne: Mitski
Kat: Anne is infecting me with her mental issues
Anne: AHHHHHHHHHH
Anna: play drunk walk home and I’m on my way
Catalina: Don’t encourage this
Jane: You encouraged this more
Cathy: Everyone go to sleep??
Anne: oh god jobless monday
Kat: he only loves me when
Kat: there’s a means
Kat: he
Kat: means
Kat: to
Kat: end
Anne: OH I MISS WHEN WE FIRST MEEEEEET
Anne: guys i have depression
Anne: im blaming all my issues on……… h*nry
Kat: Mood but i have other men in my life that were ass too!
Catalina: Vouch
Cathy: I don’t think thats healthy guys
Anna: ur not healthy
Cathy: You’re right
Anna: oh
Jane: You might as well put in the crane wives
Catalina: ON SOME LEVEL I THINK IVE ALWAYS UNDERSTOOOOOD
Jane: THAT A SHIP COULD NEVER REALLY LOVE AN ANCHOORRRR
Cathy: THE DARK DOESNT FRIGHTEN ME I CHOSE TO CLOSE MY EYES
Cathy: IT IS MINE IT IS MIIIIIIINE
Anne: THE MOON WILL SING A SONG FOR ME I LOVED YOU LIKE THE SUN
Anna: I MAY NEVER BE A RICH MAN BUT THE RICH MAN HELL NEVER HAVE ME NEVER HAVE MEEEE
Kat: I WILL ONLY BREAK YOUR PRETY THINGS
Anne: I WILL ONLY WRING YOU DRY OF EVERYTHING
Catalina: Anyway go to sleep
Anne: i would rather die
Anne: u guys think i could get alcohol
Kat: no.
Anna: I will tie you down
Jane: I will not let you
Cathy: Absolutely not you recovering alcoholic
Catalina: I won’t talk to you for a week
Anne: guys cmon it wasn’t that bad
Kat: You got horrendously drunk like three times in less than two weeks once
Anna: And whenever you get drunk, you get suicidal
Anne: im suicidal sober too sooooo
Jane: Go to therapy
Anne: no im good
Catalina: I beg to differ
Anne: then beg
Anne: fucker
Catalina: ……
Catalina: I’m not talking to you for the rest of the night
Anne: pfftttt i can guilt you into it again
Kat: I don’t know Annie
Anne: I’m committing suicide tonight.
Kat: what
Anne: /j
Anne: /J SLASH J
Kat: WHAT
Anne: OG MU GOD IM SO SORRY
Kat: WHAT YHE FUGK
Anne: IM SO SO SORRY
Kat: IS WORNG
Anne: IT WAS A JOKE IS WEAR
Kat: WITH YOU
Anne: EVWEYTHING
Kat: DO YOU THINK
Kat: HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT
Kat: DO YOU THINK THOUGHTS
Anne: NO I DONT IM SO SORRY
Cathy: Anne…
Anne: IM SORYE
Anna: dude
Kat: WHAT THE HELL MAKES YOU TBINK ITS OKAY
Kat: TO TEXT “I’m committing suicide tonight.” AT MIDNIGHT WITH NO /J AND PERFECT PUNCTUATION
Anne: I DONT INOW I CANT EVEN REMEMBWR WHAT I WAS JOKING ABOUT
Kat: YOY NEED TO
Kat: WHAT THE FUVK
Anne: I KNOW IM SO SORRY
Kat: WITH YOUR TRACK RECORD??
Jane: I’m glad I just woke up
Jane: I would’ve had a heart attack.
Anne: IM SO SORRY
Kat: for fucks sake Anne
Kat: you’re trying to get us killed??
Anne: I’m so sorry ☹️
Cathy: Not your best moment dude
Anne: im aware
Anne: im sorry
Kat: I’m going to ur room
Anne: ☹️ okay
Anne: im so so so sorry
Anne: ill make it up to u
Kat: I’m in ur room why are you texting
Anne: u just texted
Kat: I hate you
Anne: ☹️
Kat: /pos
Anna: well
Cathy: I think I’m gonna get a B omfg I flopped on that essay 😭😭
Cathy: I CANT DK THIS
Anna: 😭😭 girl calm down it’s barely your Junior year
Catalina: No that’s the worst one for sure
Anne: I would be bias that was the year I murdered someone 😭
Anna: No fr the classes were the least of my concern
Kat: Okay Anne was failing all her classes before the murder
Anne: And before the murder I was being abused so
Cathy: IDC ITS MY TURN 😭😭😭
Jane: Sorry Cathy what happened?
Cathy: The final is worth so much of my grade okay 😭 ?? And everything sucks
Cathy: I BLANKED ON BYSTANDER BIAS
Cathy: I said passerby syndrome I done 😭?!!
Catalina: 😭??
Anne: Yeah that’s pretty bad LMAO
Kat: Nooo like I’d get it tho if I read that 😭
Cathy: shooting myself yesterday
Anne: So she can make suicid jokes but not me?
Anna: Only one of you actually attempted so yeah actually 😭 dumb bitch
Anne: UM!?!?
Catalina: Anna don’t be rude
Anna: You called her that yesterday
Catalina: Well… she was being one so
Anne: UM.
Kat: Okay guys everyone be nicer to Annie or she’s gonna do it again
Cathy: ALL OF YOU STFU 😭😭 MOURN WITH ME
Anna: It isn’t like you’re in the running for valedictorian a B is fine
Cathy: do you
Cathy: Did you just meet me
Catalina: Anna she is in the running for valedictorian
Anna: DEADASS??(
Anna: OMFG get that B so I can skip ur graduation without feeling like a horrible person
Anne: LMAO???
Cathy: I HATE ALL OF YOU DIE EXCELR FOR KAT AND JANE
Catalina: I’m giving you a ride home today
Cathy: And Catalina
Anna: So just me and Anne 😭?
Anne: I never win
Cathy; Actually just Anna cause I’m scared Anne’s gonna commit
Anne: 🫠🫠