Chapter Text
Look, Dennis Does Not Care about Mac’s new boyfriend.
Usually, they last for a week, tops. It’s always the same cycle: Mac finds a guy, bangs him, falls in love and starts getting weird and clingy, and always, always scares them off, repeat ad nauseum. Dennis finds it kind of pathetic how easily and how often Mac gets his ‘heart broken’, not that he can relate to or buy into the sappy bullshit he spews about every new guy, like ‘true love’, or ‘the one’. It’s like a reverse of Dennis’s system, where Mac gets separated entirely every time.
But somehow, this guy seems to be sticking around. Mac even brought him to the bar, which will probably be what scares him off if Mac’s ass-bike or anxious attachment style didn’t already. (Dennis can actually use terms like that because he minored in Psych at U Penn, an Ivy League, so Dee can fuck right off with calling him a pretentious jealous asshole, whatever that means).
And what should be happening is that Van (Yes, actually his name, which like who shortens the name Vance? It’s already one syllable) would take one look at this shithole south Philly bar, cleaned by Charlie, with Dee trying to put the moves on him, and hightail it out of the bar never to be heard from again.
Weirdly, this guy isn’t doing that, somehow? All 6 feet and 2 inches of him (Mentioned by Mac many, many times) stays by Mac’s side, a hand on his waist, and powers through Dee’s pathetic excuse for flirting. He even says hi to Dennis and offers him a handshake, not so subtly revealing his expensive watch. If Dennis cared (which he doesn’t, at all. Mac’s random boyfriends are not worth taking up space in his mind) he’d call up Rickety Cricket to drop acid in a booth and scare him off, but he’s starting to have doubts that that would even do it.
To distract himself (From nothing. Because he doesn’t care about Mac’s upper crust new fling at all) he starts flirting with a hot girl, probably wafted in by Van’s expensive cologne (Dior Sauvage, which Dennis’s cultured palette identifies immediately, aided by the ridiculous amount he put on.) She’s a pretty blonde, and he strikes up a conversation as she orders.
“Can I get a whiskey on the rocks, please?” Mmm, sophisticated, and her manicured nails are notably ringless. Ah, she’ll do perfectly.
“You got it, but I think the ice might melt for a girl as hot as you” Dennis says, trying to put on his most charming smile.
The blonde smiles tightly, before glancing at Van in the corner (Somehow talking to Frank without running away) and he can see her actually do a triple take at just the sight of his back, and Dennis’s charming grin drops. The blonde (Which is actually a whorish color, come to think of it), licks her lips subconsciously.
She leans in, and lowers her voice. “Do you think you could send him a drink from me?” She asks, like this is Sudz or something.
He doesn’t try to hide his scowl when he says, “He’s gay. He’s with the other guy next to him”
She looks a little disappointed. “Ah, all the hot ones,” she says, “Well, better for guys like you, I guess.”
“Guys… like me?”
Her eyes widen a little. “Oh sorry, are you not um, gay? I just assumed because of the makeup.”
Dennis’s scowl is a full on grimace, as he slams her drink onto the countertop with a little too much force. “You know you really shouldn’t act like that to someone who makes your drinks. You don’t know who I am? I mean, I could be a serial killer who poisons bitchy women’s drinks for all you know.”
“Excuse me?!”
Dennis is done with the day already, and done with bitchy whorish blondes doubly so. “Ugh, Dee come deal with this bitch!” he says as her whines fade into the background.
He heads to the corner, and stands next to Charlie, who’s fiddling with the TV again.
“Hey Dennis, have you met Van yet? He’s super awesome!”
Well, so much for taking his mind off of blond whores for the time being.
“That guy’ll last a month, tops. Anyways, have you seen Cricket anywhere?”
Charlie holds a stripped wire in his mouth for a moment to fiddle with the tv again, before replying.
“No, bro. But I get why Mac likes him, he’s all muscly and stuff, like what you used to be but like... more. And plus he makes people, which like girls love dude.”
Dennis’s eye twitches. “Okay, first of all, I’m going for a toned look, and second, what the fuck do you mean ‘makes people’?”
“He like produces bodies and stuff, it’s super cool!”
“Charlie, do you mean a body builder? You’re aware body builders don’t actually make bodies, right?” Jesus, Dennis was finding it harder to be the one intelligent person in the group.
“Oh, are you talking about Van? I hope he sticks around more, he went to Cornell, and it’ll be nice to have another Ivy grad here,” Dee said, walking by.
“Dee, you stupid bird, I went to Penn too. We went to the same school!” Dennis said.
“Yeah, well, thanks for sticking me with that stupid bitch who didn’t tip and kept yelling about the ‘murder bar’ that we run. Besides, we all know you’re just jealous,” Dee squawked. Ohh, that bitch.
“You stupid bitch, I’m not jealous of some pretentious freak. Besides, he’s stayed with Mac for this long, so he’s obviously got some sort of mental problem. Maybe it’s another Kevin situation?” Dee scowls a little at that, and Charlie has long since stopped paying attention and is now holding a 9 volt to his tongue.
“Whatever boners, I don’t care that you’re jealous of Van, just stop scaring off the female customers” Dee says, rolling her eyes.
—
Somehow, Van sticks around for another week after that, and, as Mac enthusiastically mentions during dinner, is celebrating his 2 month anniversary in a couple of days.
And the fact is, Dennis doesn’t care (Like, at all), which is why he’s so tired about hearing about that blond douchebag in every conversation with Mac. It’s like he hung the moon and stars, how Mac talks about him, and it’s getting Very Annoying.
Their last monthly dinner was all about Van this, Van that. (‘Van gave me a bracelet!’ ‘Van took me to a restaurant better than Gugino’s!’ ‘Van wants to take me to meet his parents!’) Which is extremely irritating to hear so much about someone who he doesn’t care about at all.
Dee, the stupid bird, has somehow gotten it into her head that Dennis was jealous of Van for still being rich and jacked and working for a modeling company (which Dennis totally could have done if he wasn’t stuck running the bar with those idiots). She’d also mentioned something about Dennis being afraid because Mac didn’t find him hot anymore, which Frank of all people agreed with (Warthog sized and shaped he was, having no right to comment on the appearance of anyone at all), and that he’d peaked or something. Dennis didn’t catch the last part as his hand became far too claw shaped for his liking for him to be in her vicinity, and he’d been doing so good recently.
And that thought, stupid as it was, kept wriggling around his brain, as Mac was giggling and texting Van on the couch (Actually giggling, like a teenager), that he’d peaked in attractiveness and fallen so far that Mac wasn’t into him anymore (Which was frankly preposterous, gay Mac was a whore of the highest degree, and would fuck anything in Philly with a pulse, or already had done so.)
Mac would get bored with Van if he didn’t get bored with him, right? So Dennis could, morally, run a small experiment to confirm he was still desirable (Not that he needed to prove it, he’d been off carbs for 2 weeks now, so he was extra defined).
Just, check in, present himself as a viable candidate for sex to Mac, and when he inevitably says yes, rub it in his face how he clearly didn’t actually ‘love’ Van and needed to break up with him (Mac had been throwing around the L word far too often for Dennis’s liking. He himself didn’t love anyone, save for his own image in the mirror. Too much vulnerability, like offering your neck to a predator.) His plan is foolproof, and he gets up off the couch to set it in motion.
He freshens up in the bathroom, putting on a little bit of the pheromone spray, and some cologne, not Sauvage, since he wasn’t a male prostitute (Well…). He wrapped himself in a silk robe the ladies loved, and which Mac had complimented several times, and stalked out to the living room, seductively.
Mac was still letting out irritating giggles every so often, and didn’t even notice when Dennis came in and stood in front of the television.
“Mac” Dennis says, seductively. He had known Mac for 20 years, he knew what worked on him by now. He had to show that he didn’t care about Mac at all, but was still willing to be serviced.
Mac was infuriatingly still looking at the screen, smiling. Dennis coughs conspicuously again. “Mac,” he says, a little louder this time.
“Huh? Oh, what’s up Dennis?” he says, much less happy as he was pulled away from texting his boytoy (This guy had to have some kind of method, Mac was almost as hooked as he was with Johnny, without any anal beads). Mac gives no signs of arousal, or even acknowledgment of the sex robe or pheromones, yet Dennis won’t let that shake his confidence.
“Mac,” Dennis says, putting on his most confident voice. “After much consideration, I have decided to allow you to Engage Physically with me. I am not gay, so you’ll just blow me, but i’ve taken pity of your years-”
“Den,” Mac interrupts, “I’m not going to have sex with you dude.”
“... What.” Dennis says, feeling his eye twitch. This was very much Not how it was supposed to go.
“Look, I really like Van, dude, and I don’t wanna mess it up! Plus I have a hot rich buff boyfriend now, which is frankly better than whatever you have going on.”
Dennis clenches and unclenches his jaw. What. The Fuck? Mac?? Refusing him? Van probably, no, definitely had some sort of manipulation or cult going on and had sucked Mac in with it.
No, no, no, Dennis doesn't care, at All. Like literally at all. Because who fucking cares if Mac of all people doesn’t want to sleep with him.
“HAHAhaha,” he laughs (At a totally normal volume), “V-VANCE, Van, no, totally bro I get it! I-I get it! I wasn’t being serious, I was just trying t-to get you to say yes so you would- so you guys wouldn’t-”
“Sure bro, ” Mac says, impassively.
“I wasn’t actually going to have sex with you, Mac, you kno-”
“Hey Dennis,” Mac cuts him off, with a bored look on his face. “Could you like, leave? I have to call Van and I kinda need some quiet, y’know?”
Dennis’s entire face twitches. “Sure,” he says, not even trying to force a neutral tone, and leaves the room.
Rich??? Buff??? What in heaven’s name was this Van guy doing to Mac to make him disregard the Golden god, right in front of him!?
—
It isn’t like he’s snooping. Really, it’s Mac’s fault for leaving his phone out in the open, and for having Mrs. Mac’s birthday as the password. And sue him for being curious about how this Vance guy got Mac so hooked that he refused Dennis (Again, not that he cares. At all). He went to messages and scrolled to Vance, who was labeled with a bicep picture and what looked like either a heart or penis next to his name.
Van <333: I think your friend doesn’t like me…
Mac:Wut? No bby all my friends loved u
Van <333: Your one friend
Van <333: The old kinda chubby one
Mac: Frank? Nah babe he loved you!! All of them did <3
Van <333: No the one you used to like
Van <333: Green sweater, balding?
Mac: Dennis? No I don’t see why he would do that
Mac: But like
Mac: Today he kinda tried to break us up?
Mac: IDK why he would do that tho
Van <333: I think that bitch is jealous of us
Van <333: You know, don’t take this the wrong way, but
Van <333: I don’t think your friends have your best interests at heart
Van <333: Maybe you should start spending time with some of my friends at the bar they work at
Mac: Maybe
Mac: Gn babyyy
Mac: I love you Van <3
Seen 11 PM
And Dennis swears the world turns red for just a few moments. His phone drops out of his hand. A vein pulses in his forehead and neck. His BP watch goes off, but the sound is far away. Bald? Old?
He hadn’t peaked. He hadn’t. He’s not balding and he’s not chubby and he’s not wrinkly and Mac’s been into him since High School! That had to mean something! And there aren't droplets running down his face and smudging his mascara and if there were it was just sweat. Dennis is hot and desirable and still skinny because he’d been so good and hadn’t struck out with the last 4 women he’d tried with. And Mac still loves him, not that he cares at all or even likes him back, but Mac still worships him even though he hadn’t touched him in a month and hasn’t said ‘I love you’ for two and nothing had changed at all, for the past twenty years, nothing has changed.
Or at least.
Dennis hasn’t.
Dennis vaguely registered his breathing getting heavier, and that he had just thrown Mac’s beer glass at a wall full force. There was no stir from the other room.